498: The Power of Negative Thinking

I am Dana K White.

I share my personal desobification process

as I figure out ways to keep my own home under control. I share the truth about cleaning and organizing strategies that actually work in real life for real people. People who don't love cleaning and organizing. Thanks for joining me today.

This is podcast number 400 and 98. I'm not going to say I keep wanting to say things as I get closer to 500, but I've already said them. So anyway, here we go. I am calling this one.

“I think I'm going to call it the power of negative thinking.”

Okay, don't get confused and think. Oh, she said that so nicely that maybe she means negative thinking is a good thing. I don't mean that negative thinking is a good thing. I just think it's kind of a funny play on the thing

that you hear all the time, which is the power of positive thinking, which I have mixed feelings about. Like, I think just, you know me, I've mentioned so many times. I am not, I don't love cheerleading.

I mean, I loved doing being a cheerleader when I was young and all that, but I don't love people raw, rawing me on and thinking that that is going to be the thing that changes everything for me.

That's all you need. If you just think positively, you'll be able to do it. Well, I struggled in my home for my entire life and people saying, oh, Dana, you can do it. Didn't help 'cause I didn't know what to do, right?

So I do have feelings about the whole power of positive thinking, but I kind of think looking at it

“from this reverse side of the power of negative thinking.”

It kind of gives me a little more like, yeah, it do have to kind of be positive, but also there are ways like legitimate, actual ways to be more positive about your home, to feel that hope for your home.

And it really is more about your attitude does affect your space. It affects whether or not you can do the thing. It really does have an impact. I know this from seeing it.

So okay, see I'll know I have a book coming out. Or no, it's already out. Oh my goodness, it came out on Tuesday. I'm recording this the Friday before. The book is out.

I hope that some of you have it in your homes. I hope you love it. If you love it, please go live a review on Amazon to tell other people what you've loved about it. 'Cause it's a short book.

It's like 750 words or so. And so you know, you can pretty much read it really quickly 'cause it's a children's book for ages four to eight. It's called Winnie's pile of pillows. Winnie loves cool stuff.

And she discovers that she loves pillows, like loves pillows. And all of a sudden she has all these opportunities to collect more and more and more pillows.

And she thinks this is amazing.

And to all of a sudden she can't do the things that she wants to do in her room anymore. And she can't enjoy her room. She can't see the things she loves because she's got so many pillows.

So anyway, I'm sure you can figure out that she figures out she has to get rid of some of the pillows. But anyway, did I just run the whole book? No, it is, I'm very, very proud of this project. I had so much fun writing it.

So much fun working with the illustrator. It's adorable. Anyway, but that book is out now. And so over the last couple of weeks, we've been, if you're on our newsletter,

which if you're not, you should be, you know, we've been putting out, hey, I bet this book coming out, Dana has this book coming out. Make sure you've pre-ordered if you have kids and you want to.

And, okay, I'm gonna tell you an immediate response that we got, like an email back that we got.

Like, the minute we put out the first, hey,

when either walrus, you know, when he's pile of pillows, this book, and immediate response. Like, it was just, like, the email goes out and somebody responds this way. And I normally would not tell you what was said

because I don't wanna embarrass the person or anything, but I'm gonna tell you 'cause it's not that big of a deal. It's not, I don't want you imagining some horrible thing that someone said, because people do say horrible things on the internet.

“So this is not my first go-round of having negativity, okay?”

But the reason I wanted to bring it up was that it just kind of, it just wasn't negative attitude. Like, that's all it was, was just negativity and freedom to express the negativity and it just, anyway. So here we go.

So we sent out the email and then we get a response immediately that says, "Why a walrus? "Not most kids favorite animal." It's fine, right? Like, it's fine.

And if you're having a conversation, okay. But it just was, it just made me think about

and who I have, you know, shared with

“and I do these strategy sessions here on the podcast.”

I talk to people all the time, speaking of all kinds of things. I'm just in constant conversations about people's homes. And the difference often between the people who really make progress and the people who don't make progress is often a positive or negative attitude.

And the positive attitude, the positivity comes from realizing that there is a way, like, oh, okay. So anyway, this whole thing is not about that one comment. It was just about the immediate negative response and how so often what I see is the people who

really struggle to get going tend to have immediate negative responses, which then keep them from listening and hearing the hope. But it's once you decide, I'm gonna listen, I'm gonna hear the hope. I'm gonna try to understand that is the thing

that often, well, that I see makes people able to move forward. Okay, so let's talk about the whole, like, how does it damage your ability to work in your home if you let your first response be negative? Now, sometimes you can't help it.

I mean, I totally understand that. Like, sometimes you cannot help that you have a negative response.

“And honestly, if you are struggling in your home,”

the way that I was, that is normal. It's like, I've tried. That's the way I felt, I've tried all these things. Nobody understands, nobody gets it. Nobody can help me because I've tried,

and I've never been able to do it.

It's actually impossible. So that negative response does come from the reality of past experience, okay? But the reason we're talking about this is my hope is that if you have that negative response, that'll never work.

That won't work for me. Oh, I couldn't do that because of this, this, this, and this. Like, you can just rattle off a list of all the reasons why such and such thing is not going to work for me. The reason we're talking about it is that I want you

to recognize that in yourself.

“And then I'm going to give you some ways to combat that, okay?”

And also we're going to talk about other people in your home. And how negative responses to them can often be the thing that causes frustration, which then makes it harder to get people on board. We were talking about that.

You know, one of my main goals in what I do here, you know, it's in my little bio that I share is like, I share hope for the hopelessly messy. So I am coming at this understanding that my target audience is hopelessly messy, which means my target audience

is often hopeless the way that I was. So my goal is to give hope. Well, how do you go from so hopeless that you just can't even listen to some kinds of hope? Well, you're listening right now.

So here's the main thing I would say. Recognize that it's an automatic negative response. And that having a negative attitude towards something is like decluttering or getting your house under control. No, she doesn't understand.

She doesn't understand what my kitchen looks like. She doesn't understand what my situation is. All of this, that negative response recognizing that it's a negative response, recognizing that-- and I'm not saying to replace it with false hope

because I don't find that to be helpful at all.

But instead to say, I am never going to be able to make

any progress if I only respond negatively. So since I recognize this automatic negative response, what can I do? Well, you have some tools to deal with it. The number one tool that I believe

combats the negative hopeless response to if there's any way that anybody could ever help you get your house under control or along with a lot of other things is non-committal experimentation. So I had a podcast where I talked about that a couple months

ago, probably.

of people saying, oh, this is the thing I needed.

So if you haven't listened to that episode, I'll give you the short version here, but I encourage you to go back and find that one. We'll link to that in the show notes, though. I can't remember what episode it is,

but we'll figure it out before this goes out to you. But non-committal experimentation means I don't have to believe it. I don't have to say that's gonna work in order to give it a try. I am not committing to this solution. I am just trying to see if this is a solution.

“That is the best way to combat the automatic negative response”

that causes you to not really listen to what could end up being helpful and hopeful for you, for your space. Okay, so if you experience that negative response, recognize it and say, okay, I'm just gonna listen

without formulating my response. This is actually something not to do with decluttering, but just in general, over, I would say the last seven or eight years, something that I was listening, learning about some things that were different from my own corner

of the world and things, and what I learned was how important it is to truly listen without formulating your response while you're listening and how normal it is like how normal it is to, if you're talking to somebody and they're saying something that you're like,

oh no, no, no, I don't agree with that. How normal it is to already be creating your argument in your head while they're still talking, so that you're ready for as soon as they stop talking, I'm gonna give them my response.

Well, that actually means that my response is not correct 'cause I haven't actually heard what they've said. So this idea of, I don't know if they call it active listening

or whatever, but it's basically this idea of listening

without arguing with what I'm hearing in my head before they've stopped talking. Listen to the whole thing and I'm listening non-committally. This is the same thing with the whole non-committal experimentation. I'm not saying that I'm listening and agreeing to everything.

Me listening to what is being said is not an agreement, but I will know so much better whether or not I agree, whether or not I'm willing to try this if I've actually listened. So it's that me, the thing that has changed for me

and probably the last seven or eight years has been this very, I guess it's hard, this very active practice of noticing inside my brain that, oh, I'm not listening, I'm forming my response. Okay, I'm gonna stop doing that and keep listening.

And so many times, we end up, well,

“we always communicate better when we do that, right?”

But also, we end up being much more on the same page. Like the person who is telling me something does understand a whole lot more, then I maybe would have given them credit for it if I was not actually listening to them.

And then if I actually listen to them, then they're more likely to listen to me. Like it's just a good conversation practice, right? So the same thing with this, that is non-committal experimentation. If you notice yourself shutting down

or starting to argue in your brain, especially if you're listening to a podcast and I'm gonna have y'all talk back on the podcast, which you're welcome to, right? Like I'm not saying like talk back in the bad way

when the kids are not gonna talk back or whatever. That's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying like, how many of you is y'all tell me all the time you're like, we're in conversation when you're at a podcast.

And that's great, but like if you notice yourself giving the speech in your head instead of listening because of a negative response, give a chance to actually listen and then form your response

after you've heard the whole thing. You know, one of the things that I try to do

“and I'm sure, those of y'all have been here since what?”

How long has this podcast been going like 20, I mean, 2013 maybe? I don't know. Some of y'all have been here since the very beginning

and that always just tickles me

and I'm always amazed that you're still here and I love it so much and y'all are great, but you are great, I don't mean there's no butt to that. But I'm just saying you've noticed

to the way that I used to think,

“to the things that I used to struggle with so much”

that I felt complete despair, complete negative response to anything about that. I felt totally hopeless and I talk about that a lot. Why? Because you may have listened for over 10 years,

but someone else, this is their first time.

And I know that that is the most transformational thing for so many people is to feel understood. That's what I hear from so many people that they feel understood and because they feel understood

and they feel like being understood means, oh, I'm not broken, I'm not helpless. So then that is the thing that allows them to move forward and say, oh, now that I feel understood, I am willing to hear and maybe try the thing

that you're saying here. So, okay, so the automatic response, recognize it, and then listen and try things with this mindset of non-committal experimentation. To know that you are not trying the advice

that you're hearing to give me the advice give her validation. Like that's not it. When you have a non-committal experimentation mindset, you might be trying it just to prove I'm wrong. And that's perfectly fine because you trying it

even with the intention to prove it wrong is you experiencing forward progress, experiencing movement in maybe an area where you used to feel completely stuck. But now you're moving and if you're moving,

it's so much easier to keep moving and to end up making progress. So that's what I was helping. Like give it a try, give doing the dishes everyday a try. If you so many people are convinced

that it could not possibly make the difference that I say it would make. Well, just having a, I bet you Dana's wrong, that's just negative thinking, right? Like that's just a negative response.

There's no way, but non-committal experimentation, let's you go, she's got to be wrong. But I'm gonna do this just to prove that she's wrong. And then that's when you find out I'm right. But even if you don't, you've still done some dishes

and you're still better off, right? Like even if I am wrong, which I'm not. But you know what I mean?

So here's what we're gonna talk about other people.

“Because the reason I think this is a valid piece”

of this conversation that we need to be having when we talk about negativity, is that every single time. And I, I mean, I want to say maybe there's, I want to give the qualifier maybe there's been a time

where somebody didn't ask about the other people in their house. I don't think there has. It is quite literally every single time. The subject of clutter, decluttering, keeping the house, doing the dishes,

keeping things picked up, keeping laundry done, every single time somebody's gonna ask, well, what about the other people? What should they be doing their part? How do I get them to be excited about decluttering?

How do I get them to be on board? How do I get them to not argue with me? Well, you know, every relationship is different. So what do I always say?

“Those of you who've been here a long time, you know?”

I always say, start with your own stuff first.

Because there's nothing to argue about on that one. I'm not saying that some people don't end up with arguments on that one, okay? I'm not saying that. But start with your own stuff and neutral stuff first.

Because if you don't often, what ends up happening is the other people dig their hills and their hills. Their hill, other people dig their hills in even harder and resist your decluttering efforts even more. If they're like, I'm sorry, why are you focused on my things

when your own things are there? And what's usually happening? The person is feeling criticized and they're feeling unjustly criticized because you've got your own mess that you are like,

wow, what's the big deal about that? Let's focus on your problem. You know, like this, this is negativity. And so it is a big part of the issue. So start with your own stuff first, start with neutral stuff.

I hear from so many people. I know the same thing happened to me as our house started to change. The people living in my house were like,

'cause they just didn't care as much as I cared. But they started to notice, oh, it's easier to live in a house with less stuff. And that started to change their perspective on stuff and eventually they were much more on board with decluttering.

I mean, it just changed things for me to do,

worry about my own stuff first.

But also when I'm worrying about my own stuff first, there's no one for me to convince. There's no one for me to negotiate with. There's no one for me to say something and brace myself for negativity.

I'm sometimes have to do with my own negative self-talk toward myself, but I get to just have that negotiation on my own, and I just get to move forward and make real progress. But when I try to get other people on board first, then that's where a lot of either,

either there's the issue of your own stuff in front of you and they're like, why are you focused on mine when yours is there? Or there's just a lot of baggage. Because I firmly believe that one of the reasons

that family members resist decluttering is they are associating decluttering with pulling everything out of a space, making a bunch of piles, and then it's staying in total chaos.

Way worse than it was before, for a week or a month or months or longer.

“Because that's what my family thought decluttering meant”

before I figured out. If I will just pull one item out of the time and make a final decision and act on that final decision,

I will never end up with the bigger mess,

the bigger, oh, skip the chaos step. Like that before when I would say, okay, I'm gonna declutter. It was me getting into a tizzy. It was me saying, I'm so sick of this.

Let's do this. So because of past experience, they resisted, because of past arguments about their stuff. And this is one of the reasons why I'm always explaining

that if you're helping someone, going through those first three steps are so incredibly powerful, because they helped to rebuild the trust from past times when you were decluttering

and you didn't do it that way. And instead, you picked up their very favorite teddy bear off the floor and said, why do you need this? You never play with it.

Well, that's all very accusatory and negative and it automatically makes people resist and push back, right? But if you start by saying, hey, do you see any trash? And if they say no, and you say, I, well, that is breaking what they assumed was gonna happen.

And then it allows you to keep on going. Of course, you're gonna throw away the trash as you get to that in the, well, where would you look first for this waterburger french fry package that somehow is on the floor of your room?

You know, where would you look first for that? And then they, then it becomes obvious that it's trash or, you know, you can go through the process. You can work through anything with the decluttering questions. But that's the reason we start is to rebuild that trust.

“Well, I think it's important to go, okay,”

if I personally am having a negative reaction to that one, that won't work for yourself, is it possible that your family might, and I'm not saying this is the case for everybody. Like, I hope that everybody is doing everything great,

but come on, I mean, like, in families, my mother-in-law used to say, if I has been I joke about it now, and she passed away in 2019, I think, and we ended up being very, very close before she died.

But there were some rough gears there, you know, when we were first married and adjusting and all that, I have to tell y'all, my oldest. Who's not dating anybody or anything, but we were talking, and I said something,

I said, I think it might be a good mother-in-law, and he was like, oh, I think you're gonna be a great mother-in-law. And I was like, oh my, can you say that again? Well, I'm recording it. Anyways, I'll just tell y'all in that way it's recorded,

but you just have to trust that he really said it. He really did say that. Anyway, my mother-in-law would say things. Like kind of awful things, right? Just kind of like, oh, my word, I can't believe she just said that to any of us,

whatever, and her thing that she would always say

is like, well, we're family. And so if we are ever jokein' around, and sometimes not, you know, but we're gonna say something that sounds really, well, you know, we're family.

“That's what we always say, like, we're family.”

Well, the truth is that it can still really hurt, you know, and it's not just an excuse to say whatever when, just because we're family.

if I want to have a home where everybody feels loved

and accepted, then there's certain things I need to not say. You know, my mother, you know, my parents are not perfect or anything, but one of the things that they're great, but one of the things that, my mother, I don't remember her saying this to me

until I was a teenager, she was explaining something, probably because I had said something that I shouldn't have said. But she said, you know, your dad and I have this rule between us, that we don't like criticize or point out something negative, unless there's something

that can be done about it. Like, that is the defining factor. So her example, I think, was like, you know, if somebody is about to go on stage to give a speech, if they have a booker in their nose,

then you tell them, hey, you got a booker in your nose, because they can pick the booker and neatly put it into a Kleenex and throw it into a trash can and then sanitize their hands, but you know, whatever, but they can pick the booker

before they get on stage. But if they have a stain on their shirt, and they're about to go on stage in 24 seconds, then there's no time to deal with the stain on the shirt. And so she's like, so we just don't say anything,

“because the only thing it will do to say those words out loud”

is to make them feel insecure. And we all know that somebody can get up there and be confident and get their point across and it's a good experience, even though they had a stain on their shirt, right?

Like it's possible. But if we tell them they have a stain on their shirt and all of a sudden they feel insecure, it is going to mean that they can't do the thing, as well, that they want to do, okay?

So that I believe is really good advice. That I try and it's hard, oh my goodness, so many times my prayer is, God, please shut my mouth when it needs to be shut, because oh my goodness, I talk too much.

But that's how I can have a podcast. Anyway, but that, that right there, it's like, is this helpful? I am, you know, I'm free to say whatever I want to say, but there's consequences.

And so many times, when we're dealing with the people who live in our house, because we're family, you know, we just say whatever, but it can really be hurtful and can cause things to be more difficult. You know, I ask, you know, questions all the time,

“like I said about, how do I get my family on board?”

One of the things is when your family makes progress

when they do something is your first reaction,

positive or negative. Now here's the example I'm gonna give you. It is very normal as the parent in a situation or even as the person who it's kind of your realm, like maybe the fact that you're listening to this podcast

means that in your home, it's kind of the home and the home maintenance is like your realm, right? Like it's the thing that it doesn't all fall on you, but it's kind of your thing. And maybe that's just because you care more

and therefore you're listening and you're thinking about it more. But the question is, when someone does something, it is normal if you are in a position of either authority or just kind of this is my realm, it's very normal to see all that's left to be done.

All the things, like that's great that you washed that dish, but did you see or that you washed all those dishes in the sink, but did you see all these ones on the counter?

“Did you notice the ones that were still in the table?”

And then dining room table, did you go through all the rooms and get all those dishes? I'm not saying that those aren't things that need to be discussed and that they pointed out and helpful.

But what's that first reaction?

Because the first reaction, especially if somebody is trying to be helpful, trying to do the right thing, trying to please you or contribute or whatever, watching that first reaction,

like the immediate reaction is it positive or is it negative? Is it, thank you, I appreciate that so much. And then let's look for opportunities, maybe to say, hey, I'm gonna bring some more things in here, because there's actually a few more things in there.

But that initial response is so powerful because

if the immediate response to, I did the dishes, did you see these? Did you see these? It's a negative response to something that they were trying to do well.

“And here's the reason I'm bringing this up.”

I hear from y'all all the time, accent and skin is getting really thick right now. I hear from y'all all the time. Now, powerful it is to change your goal from done to better.

One of the first videos I did when I first started getting back to doing videos like in 2021, or 2022 maybe, I don't know, whenever it was. One of the first videos I did was just this mindset. And I talked about it so many times,

and I shared it before in other ways. But it was one of those videos where I talked about, you know what, better is good. And if I make my goal to make this space better, then anything I do, I've achieved that goal.

If I move one piece of trash into the trash can, I have made this space better. And that mindset shift changed my home, all the times where I had this huge long goal

and all these things to do, I could never get started

because of the goal itself was so overwhelming. When I made the goal, this teeny, tiny thing of, I'm just gonna make this space better. Then I was able to start immediately. And I made it a little bit better and a little bit better.

And it ended up getting to where I'd always wanted my house to be just by my goal being better and celebrating better all along the way. As opposed to not celebrating anything until it was real, real good.

Well, it never got real real good, as long as that was how it was looking at it. But when I looked at it as, you know what? Better is good and I'm gonna celebrate that. Then that got me to real, real, real good.

Where I'd always wanted to be. Real real good is not proper grammar, okay kids? Anyway, that is something I, because I see how powerful that is for me. And I know I've heard from so many of you

how powerful that is for you to take that and say, I need to use that same mentality on how I treat the other people in my home. 'Cause they haven't listened to the podcast. They haven't analyzed blah, blah, blah, all this stuff

about their house. But if they do the dishes that are in the sink, that's better. Celebrate better. Because that's how to give the positive response,

even when there's more to be done, is to celebrate better and then keep going from there.

“Always remember that if you can't be pleased,”

people stop trying.

And I think it's always important to think about it

from your own perspective first and then apply it to the people in your house, okay? This is what happens with me. When I get to a point where I realize, oh, this person cannot be pleased,

no matter what I do, this person's not gonna be happy, guess what I stop doing. Caring whatsoever about that person being happy, because I could work really, really hard and try to do everything they want.

And they're still not gonna be happy. So why would I work really, really hard and try to do everything that they want? But it doesn't matter. So I'm not gonna do that.

I think a lot of y'all listening here understand that from your own perspective, right? Like if somebody proves they can't be pleased, I am going to stop trying. Well, that can also happen with other people

towards you. If you can't be pleased, then they may stop trying. And sometimes we have to realize that, oh, this is the vibe I've been getting off. Just like the person who said the thing about,

y'all walrus or whatever. I'm like, I don't think that they meant to be like, I am gonna get Dana. I'm just telling y'all, it's not that big of a deal. I could list off some really big deal things

that people said to me, but it's not. I don't think there was an intention of that. But it hurt by feelings. Why? Because this is my book that I love.

This is a book that at this point has already been printed and cannot be changed. And also, I'm not gonna change it

“'cause I love that it's a walrus, like who cares, right?”

But that doesn't bring good feelings in me to where the person's saying that.

when am I saying something

that automatically causes the person who's hearing it

“to be like, well, I don't care what she thinks, right?”

So all of that, I also wanna end on saying, I know that some of you are listening to this and saying, and truly are like, I have been positive. It's the other person in my family who I wish would hear this and take this in, it's their reaction to me.

And I totally get that. And I'm sorry that that's your situation. My hope is that you can gain realistic positivity

from this podcast, that you can feel understood

and know that there are people out there who understand, I understand, you know, my Patreon community is a private community where people encourage each other because we're like, most people don't understand

“what a big deal it was to do the dishes.”

We get it, we will celebrate with you, to do that. So, but here on the podcast, we talk about that step. And you can get that from listening to the podcast. Oh, this is somebody who understands, I am not broken. There is nothing wrong with me.

I just have to figure out what does work for me. And I call that realistic positivity. Realistic positivity is based on feeling understood and knowing that because I'm understood, the person who understands me can give me real actual help.

I know what to do. I feel capable because I non-comitally experimented and started with the trash.

“And by doing that, I saw the huge impacts”

that I could make just throwing away trash. And by seeing the huge impact that I could make just throwing away trash, now I don't feel hopeless about decluttering anymore. I feel like, oh, I know what makes a difference

starting with trash. All right, that means I now know how to start any and all decluttering projects. That right there is realistic positivity. So you can from this podcast and from the work

that you do in your own home and from the impact that you see happen in your own home, you can experience realistic positivity. But I do urge you to pay attention to immediate negative responses.

Pay attention to immediate despair and say, oh, let me catch that and not be negative. I want to listen all the way through. And then I'm going to non-comitally experiment and through that experimentation,

I will be able to be realistically positive. Okay, I hope that was helpful at all. Many is many, no, not many. Winnie the Walrus, Winnie's pile of pillows,

my first children's book is out in the world.

So you know what, if you, you can still get the kids version of my five step no-mastic-cluttering process, it's adorable at printable. You can still get that at uslobcamsclean.com/winy, just enter your order information there.

Also, you know, if you just wanted to read it for yourself and then just for the fun of it and then go give it to your local library or put it in a little free library, those things, you know, or give it to your neighbor kid

or whatever, just keep it in your home library for if you have kids come over, that would be great. Okay, I will talk to you all later. Bye.