Armchair Anonymous: Funny Pregnancy

I'm Dan Shepherd, I'm joined by Lily Padman.

“- Hi. - Today we have funny pregnancy stories.”

- Pregnancy can go all kinds of ways. - It really can, you know, we often get gifted EVACs in our other prompts. And anytime that happens, I'm just grateful. - That's right. - The universe is smiling on us.

- Yes. - Please enjoy funny pregnancy stories. ♪ Good times, take 'em slow, my love ♪ ♪ I had a move, I remember one thing ♪ ♪ You gotta know, I'ma keep 'em shiny ♪ - Can you hear us? - I thought this could be a prank.

I'm like me, you know.

- It might get still be. - AI is pretty powerful, so good.

Maybe a loved one coordinated something, and there's a pop-out. - Ooh. - That would be extra special. - What fake name do you want? - Okay, I'm gonna use McKenzie.

I don't think I look like a McKenzie, but I'll tie it in later, why I chose that name. - Are you allowed to tell us where you're at? McKenzie. - Yes, I'm in North Carolina. - Ooh. - Ooh.

- What part? I'm in the Raleigh Durham area, and Monica, I did marry a Georgia Bulldog. - Ooh. - Ooh. - What? - He graduated in 2010.

I mean, I graduated in 2009.

“Maybe I had a crush on him. - Was he in theater?”

- No, he was not in theater, but I would love to see him here. - Was he in public relations, or the greatest school of communications? - No, he was in finance.

And then he took a class at the end of college that was like, how to pick a major, just for like an easy grade, and the last thing he should do was finance. - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- It's okay, it's doing great. - But maybe he booty bombed over at the spot to you, or pretty funny. - I'm sure, we ran into each other. I'm not even know what the SEC was when we started dating,

and then I was like, I will take on the Georgia Bulldogs. What do I need to learn? - Thank you. - Okay, so you have a funny pregnancy story. - I do, I am mortified that this is the story that was chosen of all my submissions.

(laughing) Just to paint in the picture, I have three beautiful kids, love them so much, so I've been pregnant three times. And pregnancy for me is not a glamorous experience.

Some people are glowing, some people feel better than ever. I am not. The only glow is like sweat and nausea coming off of me. So all of my pregnancy feels like I'm living in this sort of bubble. Like it's not even really happening.

It's funny when I had my third child,

actually in 2024. I gave birth, the whole thing. Like, it's a baby okay, are we good? And then I looked at my husband, and I said, I'm not pregnant anymore.

And high five, Tim, on the delivery, I don't think I've even pushed out the plus sentence. As soon as I get birth to that baby, I feel better. I'm like, get me a sandwich, get me.

It's a bizarre thing. Wow. I was gonna ask you if you had boys. Do you have all boys? I have girl, boy, boy.

Okay. And is it true, did you find that the nausea was worse for the boys and the girls? A hundred percent. It was from beginning to literally pushing that baby out.

So my daughter, I was only sick for like 20 weeks of it, but the boys were the full time. Only 20 weeks. 4 or 5. Nothing touches it, not so fan, nothing.

Like, I mean, I've tried all the thing. And then people that have you tried lemon water?

“And I'm like, have you tried throwing lemon water up?”

Oh. Oh. So anyways, just humbling experience all around is when I'm getting at pregnancy. So this story takes place in 2020.

I was pregnant with my second.

Oh, we are time to be pregnant. That I mean, COVID happened during this. And it was so scary that doctors like don't go anywhere. Don't do anything. And I'm such a rule follower.

I was very stressed about it. Really quick. I had a glass have full take on being pregnant during COVID. Because we know a few people that were. And I was like, the upside is normally when you're pregnant.

You feel like you're missing out on a bunch of shit. Ponder percent. And you're not missing on anything. You're doing the exact same thing everyone. And my husband was working from home.

And then it was great with the C section because he was working from home for that. And you're not supposed to pick up anything heavier than your baby, which is impossible as a mom with other kids. So I feel like, can you get her out of the crib? Please.

But for someone who is rule follower in scared of germs. It's a lot to handle. So during this course of this, just bizarre season. I start to feel too little lumps. I guess underneath my arms.

So as a woman, you are immediately terrified. You're like, I have breast cancer. And it runs in the family. So I send a message to the doctor. Like, we do need you to come in.

Is that felt really serious? Because they weren't just really having you come in for anything. They were even like skipping regular appointments. I go into the office. There's a nurse and there's a doctor who is older.

Which I actually love an older doctor. I'm like, you've seen it all. I feel like, you know, you're doing. You're not Googling stuff in the back. Like, you know.

So he's doing the exam. Monica, I'm sure. He's experienced this exam. You're wearing that super cool front open chair.

And he's feeling these spots.

“And he's like, huh, this is interesting.”

I'm like, oh my gosh. So scared. And he starts to feel one of the spots. And he goes, oh my gosh. And I'm like, what?

He goes. It's a nipple. No. Wait. What?

I know. My sister is like, Dax is going to have a lot of follow-ups on this. But here's what he does. Instead of being like, okay, honey, you're all right. You appear to have grown in extra nipple and pregnancy.

He goes, oh my gosh. I've never seen this. Why? And all my years. And the squeeze is it.

And milk comes out. It's lactating. I've heard about this. Because there's like breast tissue that goes up into your armpits. Oh, I'm so glad it's not cancer.

And then I'm like, what? Is it happening? He runs out into the hallway. He's like, I got to get someone else to see this. So the other doctors are coming in marveling at it.

Oh, my gosh. You're right. It does produce milk. And I'm like, what? What?

Well, they've heard about this medically. And they haven't seen it. And they are pumped. This is an episode of Friends, Ross' Thing. Oh, it is.

They call it the like nubbing. Yeah. No, no, that's Chandler's nubbing. I'm like, it's not even just one extra nipple. It's two extra nipples.

Like, how embarrassing is that? So anyways, I am left feeling like, okay. I'm a freak show. Should I just go join the circus? Everyone is marveling at it.

And he would come in and show somebody, watch what happens when I speed it. Oh, this guy. They refer me to like a breast specialist that they have. And I go in and see her.

And I'm like, I'm sure you've never seen this before.

I know I'm the only one in America. And she's like, oh, honey, you have got it good. I've seen it all down people's arms. Wow. Multiple nipples running down the arm.

She said you can get them anywhere. And she was like, honey, you're lucky that it's just in your armpit. And I was like, okay, well, thanks. I don't know what to say. And she said you can even get mastitis.

Sure. I was really lucky that that did not happen. But it's kind of like a running joke in my friend group that I have this great milk supply because my babies get so fat so fast. And I am not like a big person.

So it's just always shocking like how do you have this baby. I'm like, I might be the extra nipples. I don't know. Maybe my body just does a lot. You're a super producer.

Hold on. You're back at the dock. She's saying don't worry. These could be up and down your arm. That's comforting.

But my next thought would be, okay. So how do we remove them?

“Were you thinking like, oh, I'm going to get these removed?”

Yes. I was like, so what do I do? And she was like, honey, I just leave it. And I was like, well, I don't want to. Can you see it?

Yeah, you can. Okay, it's right there. Do you see it? It's cute though. It looks like an in-grown hair.

Yeah. It just looks like a teeny tiny bump. I'm not pregnant or nursing right now. So there's no swelling with it. But you could still just think it's like arm fat that everybody has.

Yeah. I actually recently went back to the doctor and she was like, we can remove it. I was kind of worried about scarring because I'm like, is it worse to have a scarring or to have a nipple? I mean, these are the deep part of it in questions. I had a console with a plastic surgeon which turned into a whole thing.

It was on the phone with him for 30 minutes. They didn't understand. I was like, just trying to get the extra nipples removed. They're like, well, honey, how do you feel about your breast right now? Oh, good.

I'm trying to upsell you a little bit. A hundred percent. I was like, well, I mean, I've nursed three babies who does feel good after that. The doctors in this story suck. Mine is that one lady.

Yes. She's like, I got you down for a fat transfer and we're going to remove it. I'm like, no, no, no. I'm just trying to make her feel bad because it's her job. And I'm like, well, duh, like everyone goes here to do this.

So, anyways, I will get the surgery at some point. Legistically, I need to find a time when I can actually do that. Cause I have three on kids. For the listener, I want to say, because my mind immediately went to you also had two new areas.

That's not the case. No, that's true. Right. And it's still all skin color. Yeah.

I told my sister like, Dax is going to ask about areas. I know it.

“Well, I think when you hear nipple, you're associated immediately.”

I think I'm a whole thing. The whole package. Yeah. Maybe it's a cautionary tale. You two may have a nipple and not know it.

I really do. Yeah. I mean, it looks like when I've had a clogged hair follicle in my armpit and that I wrench on that as if it's a normal pimple. It just looks like a little skin tag.

What did your husband have to say about it? I mean, that's great. He signed up for two boobs and he got four. Yeah. Cause he ever stuck on it.

You're happy to have that. You don't have to answer that. That's just you're just laughing. I told him I have so many funny stories. I'm one of those people that just bizarre things happened to me.

It's always like, I've got a prompt.

And then I told him I was like, Oh, my gosh. I got selected for our childcare anonymous. He's like, What story is it? I was like, It's a nipple. It's great.

I think a lot of people feel very seen right now. Yes. Totally. I have a lot of breast tissue in my armpit. Yes. And I think a lot of women do assume it's fat.

I know someone who there's like plastic surgery. You can do on that area. And when she had it done, they were like, Oh, that was actually breast tissue.

You can tell when you're pmsing in your boobs hurt.

I can feel it in my armpit. So Monica, watch out. Oh, my God. I truly felt like a science experiment in there with everyone laughing and coming in. Well, your sister was right.

I have a couple of follow-up questions. So one is mastitis is something that, Well, I guess it varies among people. But certainly with something that Kristen had to deal with a several times. And I even had to help at one point. This is a story that came public.

But at any rate, were you having to express these other nipples to prevent getting mastitis? No, I think that can happen to some people. Another thing is like, it's going to stop producing milk.

“You know, that's how you like we in a baby.”

You stop nursing them. And so because I wasn't nursing a baby on them. But you could have you could have been like, My boobs tired. Suck on my armpit now. Sure.

Baby is really something. It reminds me of an episode of taxi cab confessions. This great reality show that was on HBO early on. It was real people that took cab rides.

And then the people would talk to them.

Crazy stories would come in. In this gal had had a breast augmentation after her last pregnancy. She just was lactating since that point. For years long after she stopped breastfeeding. What?

Yes, that was the uncommon results of that augmentation is that she was producing milk indefinitely. All kinds of things can happen. Sounds tough. They seem to like it this couple. They were.

She was drinking. Well, this was a story. She was ashamed of. They were excited. She actually pulled her boob in the cab and demonstrated that milk came out.

It was a female cab driver. She was great at getting stories out of people. Wow. Teach their own. Oh, well, that's a great story.

Yeah, extra nipples. That's a shocker. I hadn't heard of that.

I would love to explain why you spent the name of Kennedy.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. So I texted my college friends. They know how much I love this podcast. I was like, guys, I don't know if I want to go out in the world with this.

And now everyone I know is looking closely at my armpits. And McKenzie Tech, she said, use my name. Heck, I don't care. And so she's actually all the way into pan right now with her family. So shout out to her and all my friends who were just so pumped to take care that I was coming on this podcast.

And then both of my grandparents on my dad's side were in AA. I remember as a young kid going to an AA meeting with my grandfather to get one of his like, sobriety coins. And I was just thinking about how cool it is. I'm two generations removed from that and how from a young age, we talked about AA, we talked about addiction.

And what you're doing is like shaping the next generations.

“I think it's a different way to think down the line about it.”

And it is really blessed our family just the openness about that. Wonderful. Did they have corny sains and bumper stickers? Were they all in? Did they have like the one day at a time hung up?

They didn't have any sticker and he just had his little coins. And when he passed away, we all got a coin and it was really sweet. Yeah, that's my favorite thing I have of my dad. This is box of coins. I just mailed one of them to Aaron.

Oh, that's awesome. Well, thank you. I didn't think this was going to be my gateway into this. But here we are. I love it.

Yeah. We'll take it. Great meeting you McKenzie. Great to meet you guys. Bye.

Take care. Hello. Hello. Do I pronounce your name? Asia.

Asia. Where are you, Asia? I am actually in a work trip. I'm in El Salvador. Right now.

What the hell are you doing in El Salvador? Well, I'm here with my church and we're doing some site visits with some communities that we help. Okay. It looks gorgeous behind you. Right now I have a really nice view of the Pacific Ocean.

Wow. What time is it there? It is 3 p.m. Oh. Two hours later.

What happens in the next two hours? That's my favorite joke. Where do you live normally? So I am actually not far from Robby. I'm in Lake Zurich, Illinois.

Bobby, why do you know that? I do.

“And do we think Bobby loves the cutest boy ever from Chicago?”

Oh, I do. Oh, absolutely. And I follow him for all the restaurant tips and everything. It's my travel guide. He kind of is a travel guide.

He should have some kind of newsletter or something. [ Music ] Okay. So you had a funny pregnancy. I do have a funny pregnancy story.

Okay. So let's set the scene. I am newlywed about probably a year into my marriage. And we had started talking about, okay. I think we're ready to start a family setting the scene.

We live in a very small apartment. One bed, one bath, and I'm late on my period. So I'm like, okay, I think I got a test. In my mind, I had this whole beautiful idea of how I would tell my husband if I was pregnant.

I had started planning it out. I'm going to do this whole thing. But this suspense got the best to me. And one evening, I was just like, you know what? I can't even wait any more.

Let's just go get the test. I told my husband, I'm like, I think I'm pregnant. So you want to test with me? And he was like, oh my god. Yes, what?

So we go into our little bathroom.

Our door, they had to cut out a space for the toilet. So when it opened, so they would go over the toilet. Like, that's how small. It's very small. We're like, need to need.

And I'm in there. And I'm going to do the deed. You're going to pee on the stick for anyone who doesn't know how this works. Yes, I'm going to pee on the stick. He's in there with me.

We're holding hands.

“We're like, our life is potentially about to change forever.”

We get the results. The two lines pop up. I am pregnant. We instantly lock eyes. And I am just shaking.

And instantly have explosive dire. Oh, wow. Oh my god. It's perfect because you're on the toilet. It was perfect.

Wow. You know what? Made me stay safe. And the toilet. Because usually you would pee and then you get out of the hay.

But I stayed on the toilet. Your body knew. Well, there wasn't room. It doesn't sound like to move around with him in there. There was not.

Locked eyes with my husband. I just had that. You guys were talking about the seven kingdoms that scene. Picture that. Okay.

That's a very. Firehosey. Yeah. Firehosey. Yeah.

My body is just letting it just release everything. I would have said, oh, it's a boy. It was a boy. Yeah. Of course it was.

There's such a rascal. Oh, man.

Where we can have it from the second or maybe.

Oh, did you guys start dying like that? Yeah. I was like shitting laughing. All things. And he just kind of flustered.

Like, I don't know what to do right now. A lot of things happened very quickly. He became a dad. He saw his wife. Shivers all good.

It was a lot to take in. It's a good primer for what's coming. Yeah. Blow out 100%. Oh, man.

And how old is that little boy now? Actually, I actually wanted to pre-term labor with him at about 24 weeks. Justation. And he was with us for seven hours before he passed away. Oh, so sorry.

It's okay. You know what? He may not be with us right now. But I get to share him with the world through stories like this. So that's beautiful.

You know, even though I wish he was here, the greatest gift is to be able to share his life. Even though he's not here.

“And so this is like the best way that I could be sharing my something with you guys.”

I'm just so honored. We are honored. Yeah. I have a beautiful five year old now. She was in the NICU for about three months.

She was born early too. And you guys lived in my ears through that whole experience. And you guys were away from me to escape. Some of the hard stuff that I was going through. I started listening because I wanted to escape.

But listening to you guys really what that did to me was remind me that I want to be present. And I want to live this life and I want to experience the wonderful things and the hard things that you both have done such a beautiful job at painting a mosaic of this life experience that we all get to be living right now.

And so thank you so much. Oh, thank you. You just lifted my spirits like crazy and congrats on your little girl. Thank you so much. I have lots of people that love you guys as well.

I would love to shout out my mom, Dee. And I would love to shout out Ashley and Maria and Emily and my daughter Eva who also listen to our cheer and honor. And also be on the conversations. Yeah, it's a thought starter.

Sure. Her teacher says, well, she has a lot of background knowledge. Thank you for chatting with us. Yeah, it's so nice to meet you. Have a great rest of your trip.

Love you guys. Bye. Bye. I love your tiny mic. Yes.

The first time we've ever had anyone with a tiny mic and immediately makes me think

of all those funny Instagram videos. Oh, it's definitely because I make TikTok videos. Yeah. Oh, it's trying to be super professional. It's great.

Amy, where are you? I'm in Bartsown, Kentucky. Okay. We don't get enough callers from Kentucky. I know actually was listening to one the other day.

I got excited to hear her talking about Kentucky. And I get excited hearing you talking about Tennessee too.

“And did you get excited when we had Chris Stapleton on?”

He was talking about Eastern Kentucky. Absolutely. I just saw him in the summer. You did. It was spectacular.

Amazing. Okay. So, Amy, are you a transplant to Kentucky? Or did you grow up there as well? Growing Kentucky owns rural Kentucky.

So, third largest town in Kentucky. But now moved to Bartsown just by way of job and career college. And Kentucky's on the come up, right? It's kind of growing as well, like Tennessee. Yeah.

We're growing a little bit. I've been eye on some farm land over there. Have you? That would be amazing. It's so beautiful.

It's crazy. It's gorgeous. My family has a cabin on Lake Malone. So, every time you talk about your lake house and buildings,

So, I get excited to hear you talk about it.

Boat season's coming. Okay. So, you have a funny pregnancy story. So, my story starts back in 2008. I was 24 years old in grad school.

Kind of like in my indie era. I had a hoop nose ring in. I was cool girl. I were trying to be anyway.

“And I had this one particular store that I like to shop for noshrings.”

I couldn't find what I wanted everywhere. So, I had this one place I wanted to go. And so, that just sticks in my mind. Because if I lost a nose ring, I had to go back to that one store. So, I want to cut off if you have any face piercings or anything.

But, if you do your drying your face, you're sleeping the night. Sometimes it can come out. You can lose your nose ring. So, that would happen sometimes. And this one particular time I was looking for my nose ring.

I was looking at my bedsheets. So, I was looking at my pillow cases. I couldn't find it. So, inconvenience. I got to go to that one particular store and pick up my nose ring.

So, again, I'm in grad school. I'm starting an internship. I'm starting to become a little more professional. I was starting to be a school psychologist. So, as I was kind of growing in my profession,

I started wearing my nose and ring less and less. You know, wasn't wearing it to work. So, it'd only be an evening thing. Then it only became weekends. Then it became never.

So, it kind of just aged out. Now, I've just got a scar on my face. Will it close up like your ears or no? Yes. It's closed up.

I can't get anything in there. Now it's just this whole that's bare that I wish wasn't there. But what do you get it? It's a receipt of living. Exactly.

So, in this first internship turn job I met my husband.

He was a special education teacher at the school where I was a school psychologist. So, a little bit of an impromute story Monica. I like that. It's a good pair. The dating marriage eventually we're going to fast forward to December 2015.

So, seven years later, I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I go to the doctor and I had been having some elevated blood pressure. A little bit of protein in the urine. I had preclampsia. So, they sent me to the hospital for bed rest.

So, I was there for a couple days. I monitored lots of ultrasounds. And can you explain quickly what preclampsia is?

“I remember we were all watching the Downton Abbey.”

Oh. In one of the characters at preclampsia. And the man grabbed the bedpost and collapsed with fear. Oh, goodness. Yeah.

It can be very dangerous. Yes. So, what is it? Really just elevated blood pressure, which then if it gets too high, you could go into seizures. Like, it's dangerous for the baby.

So, just lots of monitoring. And then lots of fluid retention. What it can go into and then what it actually eventually did go into for me is help syndrome. And that's like really dangerous. So, that's, I wrote it down.

Homalysis elevated liver enzymes low platelets. So, if it gets that bad, like for me, I had extreme back pain because my liver was distended. Oh. Then if you have low platelets, like you can bleed out.

It's really dangerous. So, the only resolution is deliver the baby. It's only way to help the baby or the mom. So, I ended up with that two times with both of them. Oh, my goodness.

Before it went there, it was still just that kind of swelling. And you're hoping that you monitored enough to not develop and to help syndrome. But I'm pre-eclampsia. I'm laid up on a couch. My goal is to keep them in for six more weeks.

I wanted to keep my son safe. So, lots of moving from the couch to the bed. Lots of chilling. All through the holidays. I make it all the way to New Year's Eve on 2015.

Again, sitting on a couch, watching the fireworks. And typical pregnancy swelling. But I'm really retaining a lot of fluid because of pre-eclampsia. So, super stuffy. I sneeze.

I blow my nose in the tissue. Uh-oh. Is the nose ring from 2008. What? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're the fucking stopper. And you had no pain or any kind of incline that it was in there. Oh, my God.

No issues. God gave you pre-eclampsia so you could extract this nose ring. Right? Where was it? In your finest.

Yeah, I guess just living up in my head. Oh, my God.

“I think I didn't get like mercury poisoning or like metal.”

Well, I think they have to be sterile to use as rings. Did it look rusty? Yeah, it was like calcified. Oh, why? Wow.

Okay, now I'm going to ask a perverse question. I'm on record is like if I'm working to try to get something out of my sinuses and it's taking a long, long time.

And it finally comes out.

And I know I share this with Aaron. There is such euphoria attached to that. Oh, fuck yeah, that's out of my body. Did you have a wave of like, oh, my God. Think God, that's out.

I didn't know it was in there. I didn't feel it. So it didn't even feel any different. It was literally like, what in the world? I mean, I was in shock.

Well, it's like, what else is up there if that's a car keys? Old Motorola cell phone. I don't know if I would have had an MRI or something. Would there have been some sort of issue? Because there was metal in my face.

Oh, I did send a picture to him at. Okay, great. I'm going to flip it over now. Oh, sure. Oh, okay.

Can't believe that ended up in your finances. It's like, yeah, it's full hoop still. Yeah. But it's open. So there's that metal kind of hook.

Yeah. That feels awy. Think of me times you had colds and stuff. Wow. Seven years is a long time for it to live up there.

I love that you brought it home. Because I did think at one point what was all the nose ring. Chit about. Oh, that was great. Yeah, it was good.

But somehow it didn't cue me in at all to that. That was going to project I allow. Right.

If it never came out, maybe it would've just made its way up to here.

I. I think it just. We're delivered had live for seven years. That's don't know. We won't know because you got it out.

Yeah. Wow.

“Did you put it in a loose sight box and put it on display on a shelf?”

I think that's warranted. It is long gone. Get that. Was your husband like in press? Oh, my god.

Probably disgusting. Yeah. Oh, my god. Man. That's a long time.

It really is so long. Like, none of your skin was still there. Like your skin replaces itself entirely. Your organs replace themselves in seven years. But this thing hung out.

This is going to be like the rat water bottle story where when people lose things are going to be like, ah, it's in my face. And my nose. Yeah. Well, the next time I'm honking around and I'm like,

something's in there. Yeah, you're going to be fine. I'm going to think that I is. When you are 12 years old, it's like a shirt pin that someone gave me. It's so easy.

It's for Disneyland. Wow. Wow. That's great. And I love that.

So five days later, I ended up having my little one. And he's 10 years old. Oh. You got a cap of corn. And he is his own armchair.

He loves you all. And I would love if it would be okay if he came to say, Of course. You know, man. What's his name?

His name is Reading. Reading. Great name. Hello. Hi, Reading.

Nice to meet you. You're a great hair. Nice to meet you. Thank you. And you like armchair anonymous?

Yes. Do you have a favorite story? I don't know. There's just so many stories. I like the right in the Stanley one.

Yes. Yes. I just talked about that one. That one really got a lot of people.

“I wouldn't have gotten a Stanley after that story.”

Oh. Oh. He feel really lucky that you listen. Yeah. We love that.

It's so nice to meet you. So nice to meet you all. All right. Be good. Have a great day.

We will. All right. Take care. All right. Made his day.

The only reason that I submitted this story is he used had this event in his life. And he's like, I have to write in. I have to tell my story. So he submitted for wildcard.

And he wrote all of this. Oh. I'm like, I'll submit it. But then when I went to submit us all pregnancy story. And I was like, well, all right.

I'll throw mine in there. So now he got to meet you all. And I'll tell him just keep on submitting. Because maybe he'll have his own talk one day. Oh, I love it.

Well, lovely meeting you. This is fun. Lovely meeting you all. Bye. Thank you.

Oh, I just love that little boy. Oh, I want to put him on the team. Emma, let's try to get that story. Let's try to get him as an intern. Let's put him to work.

He did have good hair. Invisible hair.

“And then you are going to grow your hair out.”

I'm going to grow my hair out. I'm going to start doing a hair band.

I always do in that tough phase.

What a phase. There's a tough phase. Oh, a middle phase. Yeah, that I hate. And it's abated with a headband.

You haven't had long hair in a while. It's been a long time. I don't know. Mayors thicken up forward anymore. But we're going to find out.

I like it long. Are you going to do ponies? I'll do all kinds. You know, I'll have fun. Yeah, you'll have fun.

[laughs] [music playing] Oh, my god. And nose ring up there. Oh.

That would have been my kink if I had to call in. Oh. Anything like I don't know if you pop a pimple in it. Yeah. I just think about it over and over again.

If I get something significant out of my nose. And your butt. I think about it. Yeah. But you don't get that with pink, do you?

No. And it doesn't arouse here. And it doesn't arouse me. But it also is definitely something else. Yeah.

There's something titillating about it. But I'm not like horny from it. Yeah. But it's abnormal. It's just such relief.

Yeah. Oh, that's out. Oh, I'm so grateful. It's like, I'm grateful. It's gratitude.

The lot of stuff. Do you get that or not? I don't.

What about when you would have like a bad pimple that was when you're six and you would finally

get it and you're not supposed to, but you do it. And then it's just like, oh, yeah. Fuck that.

Yeah.

I think we've talked about this.

I do like that feeling.

“You're saying that you relive that moment.”

I definitely don't do that. I'm like, I feel good that it's done. Your brain doesn't record that visual. No. No.

No. Oh, my god. Mind us. Not at all. I have one.

We're two months, three months out from it. There's one that plays in my head. At least once. Yeah. Yeah.

But do you have it about other people? No. I hate those pimple popping videos and stuff. That is interesting. And it's just me getting rid of my poisons in my character defects.

Maybe that's what it is. It's like I'm extracting the devil out of myself. You know what I do? This is really gross. Now everyone's going to look.

This is like the girl with the nipple. I like don't want to say it. I like play with my legs a lot. Any part of it where there's like a hair follicle.

I'm always playing with it and scratching it and trying to get it clean.

Yes. You don't pinch though. I sometimes pinch but I also know how to like get under and then get it out. But you know, my legs look wild from all that. Yeah.

But it's not. I do. They're not camera ready. My legs are not a good luck. But then in the summer you can blast all that out with some tan.

A little bit. Also because you know I used to shave dry. So I've done some real damage to these legs. Shaved dry sounds terrible. I had places to be in places to go.

I gave it a dry shave. I would do it because I had shielding practice and I was a flyer. So like I didn't want my legs to be here and I didn't. I did not have time. You're talking dead dry.

Yes. Oh. I know my friendship. I really hated it for me. That's like hot.

A little bit. Listen. I do what I have to do. I don't want to watch you do it though. Haven't done it in the year.

I feel like it would give me such weird chills. It would be like the teeth that you would not like it. No, I want it. But that makes me want to see it. Why don't we do shaving dry story?

Just you're the only submitter. I'm like, hey guys, I'll be right back. You just want to tell this story. I want to go back. Hello.

Hi. Where are you at? Alberta in Canada. How's your winner?

“Have you been not having a lot of snow like the Rockies haven't?”

It's been a warmer winter. But we just got a big dump not long ago. So it's been wintery again. So it's back. She reared her ugly head again.

And do you like when it dumps and you have an excuse to stay inside? Because I like that. It's not bad and the kids like playing. So that's kind of awesome. Yeah.

Did we just meet the product of your pregnancy story? The kid you saw no was not a product of this pregnancy story. That's my oldest boy. And I have three. Okay.

So walk us through your funny pregnancy story. This story was an October of 2015.

And we were expecting our third child.

And we were super overdue. 13 days actually. So I was ready to get this baby out. I was trying everything. So we actually decided to try a shot of castor oil,

which is one of the tricks they tell you to do. And it worked for our second child. So we said, let's give that a go. So we did that and watched a moving. And hey, let's get some sleep because this could come tonight.

And my husband fell asleep right away. But of course, I wasn't able to get to see things start moving. So I was like, okay, things might be happening. And at about 230 probably it's getting intense enough that we probably should get going to the hospital.

So I will come up here to shower and a rush. Things were ticking along. Hold on a second. He had a shower. No.

Don't some people do that. They're like, oh, we have time. Didn't you guys, oh. Yes, you guys. Well, we had time.

But my wife didn't wake me up at 23 in the morning. Say it's time to go to the hospital. And I said, cool, I'm going to hop in the shower. That seems kind of funny to me. Oh, I mean, I guess I get that.

But also it aren't through all these ways. Like, people's water break. And then they go have lunch. And then they go to the hospital. Well, he needs to have a shower to sort of wake himself up.

I have had two kids before. This takes forever. So it was no big deal. Lots of time. No rush.

We called our midwife because we were meeting her at the hospital.

“We got in the truck and I remember saying, like, no rush.”

No need to speed stop at those red lights. No big deal. It's about a 25 or 30 minute drive from our house to the hospital. 10 or 15 minutes into it. Things got really intense, really quickly.

And I was like, this is really painful. I am very uncomfortable. I was screaming when my seat. I was sticking my head out of the window to try to like, cool off to get some fresh air.

And then I got this serious urge to take a big dump. Yeah. Oh, no. Well, because in my wrong cast royal also is a laxative. Is it not?

It is. Yeah. So that all was happening previously. It kind of empties you well.

Okay.

So that already happened.

You had done some evacuations. The evacuating kind of happened.

“So I was kind of like, why do I have to go to the bathroom again?”

I thought that was over. This is so embarrassing. I can't show up at the hospital with pants full poo. I'm like looking around for like a diaper or a bag or a towel or something. I don't know what I was going to do, but I'm panic.

As soon as I stopped panicking, it subsided the urge went away. And I was like, oh, perfect. But a couple minutes later, another contraction comes and I'm like, oh, man. I had a poo again. What is going on?

And then I'm like, she is with something coming out. She does. And it's not from my butt. Oh my god. Yep.

Yep. I'm wearing a pair of like 3/4 length sweat pants. And I just take my hand and do a little exploring and check. And I feel a head shaped bulge. Yes.

Yeah. Hair. How far away from that hospital? We're seeing 10 minutes. Probably.

That's too far. That's a long 10 minutes of your life. It's so long. And I started to panic. And I said, oh my god, I feel the head.

And my husband's like, oh, no. No, no, no. Oh, you could say it was no. It's like yes. Can't hold on.

I'm going to revisit the shower that I was pretty critical of that no one was

supportive of. And I'm going to say no. We wouldn't be in this situation. Right. But then maybe you wouldn't have been able to draw.

He would have done just fine without that fucking shower. Mike. It's actually Brian. Well, he's like, I'm so grateful and clean for this. He starts kind of panicking a little bit.

I realized that he's going to be super useless in this situation. So I kind of really panicked.

“And I'm like, you need to run this red light.”

Everything I said earlier is out the window. You need to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Because we need some medical attention. So he starts blasting to get there as fast as he can. I'm really panicked.

I'm like, I think we need an ambulance. So I call the ambulance and then when I get on the phone with them. And start chatting as soon as we explain what's happening. We look up and the hospitals right there. So we're like, ah, you know, sorry, false alarm.

We're good. We get to the emergency room door. And it's kind of a back side door. And he stops a jump out. And I'm on a mission to find some sort of medical professional.

My husband is like, oh, can I get to a wheelchair? And he's trying to be helpful. But I didn't even actually acknowledge him. And I just kept walking. I kind of ditched him.

I walk into the emergency room. And I'm just powerping as fast as I can. And it's a huge long hallway because we're on the backside. And it's quite a distance to get to the main admittance area. Did Brian Pollen to the wrong entrance?

Was there a better entrance? Probably. Oh, God. So I'm laser focused to get myself there.

“And I remember I got to the end of the one hallway.”

I looked. There's another long hallway and I saw lights and people ahead. So I'm like, I'm almost there. And I started walking. And I just remember really vividly feeling like I was out of my body.

I was floating above myself watching myself walking. And I almost was like, oh, wow. This is like an episode of Grey's Anatomy. It looks like it would be a really good episode. And I'm like, oh, my God.

This is my real life. I remember also looking to my right. And there was like a waiting room there. And it was like 330 in the morning. So it was empty.

There was no people except there was one cleaning lady sitting there. Like, mopping up the floors. And in my head, I remember thinking, like, oh, my God. I hope that I don't make a mess that this poor person's going to have to clean up. Don't worry.

She was a ghost. [LAUGHTER] A couple steps after thinking these things. And then all of a sudden, like, pop. The head, pop.

I'm walking as all of this happens. And then a couple steps later, her whole body slipped out. Oh, no. I am wearing like a pair of three-quarter-length sweatpants. And her head was kind of like, at my knee.

And then her forehead was up my thigh. Oh, my God. No. Did you start screaming? It is so hard for me not to bring up the shower over and over again.

I mean, we're just not in a situation like this. I can't believe you weren't already just screaming and screaming for somebody to come help. You're so nice. You're just like walking and looking. The panisizing about being in a grazing anime episode.

It is a good episode. You pulled out your pants and there's a baby there. Yeah. It was a baby there. I was holding your head and body as I was kind of shuffling along.

And that's when I started calling for help. I was like screaming to try and get someone's attention.

And finally, they noticed that I was there.

And a couple of people came running up. And they're like, what's wrong? And I'm like, I just had a baby in my pants. I just babyed my pants.

I just had a baby in my pants.

It was really. You're not a lot of people get to utter that. I didn't know what to do. And they were kind of panic too. They're like, oh, oh, my gosh.

They looked down. They're like, pull your pants down. And I was like, well, I'm kind of holding the baby. So they kind of helped pull my pants down awkwardly. They grabbed the baby out of my pants.

And the report was wrapped around. Oh, she's scary. And it got scary pretty quickly because she wasn't responding to anything. And she was kind of on color. And I was like, oh, my gosh.

I kept saying like, is the baby okay? It's a baby okay. And so it took a couple of minutes for them to get everything organized. And they're all kind of shouting things. And they were like, we need the baby to go.

Kind of a pulling of the baby. And I was like, I'm still attached. Oh, the political court is still there at this time. I'm now sitting on the floor like in a puddle in the middle of the hallway.

Basically, no clothes on.

Oh, here I was worried about just having a little bit of poop in my pants. They clamp up the political court.

“And I remember one of the doctors or nurses.”

I'm not sure what he went to like, snip the political court. And right when he cut it, this splash of blood squirted into his face. Oh, from the local court. And I can tell he was like super disgusted. But he was trying to actually cool and professional.

And I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. He's like, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. He's like, trying to make me feel better. I'm just like, oh my gosh.

This is just a disaster of a birth. Anyways, they quickly whisked her off in a way. She had to go straight to the neck. Because she had aspirated on my podium pooping the womb. And then they get it in their lungs.

So she wasn't in a queue for a couple weeks. But the funniest part was after the craziness was over. Just as she was taken away, my husband shows up with this little backpack. Brian now. He's hair done.

Don't want Brian. You didn't need that fucking shower. Oh, it started with the shower. He got worse and worse. He looks at me and he goes, like, what happened?

Why are you naked? But you're fucking close on. I look great. Oh my god, you're embarrassing us. I said, like, you missed it.

It's over. Oh. And I'm like, what were you doing? He's like, I had to park the truck. I get the truck washed.

All I was parking at 3.30 a.m. Brian. Oh.

“Our friends actually tease him because if you know him,”

he's a big rule follower. He's also very by the book. So they tease him. Oh, so Brian, you had to get the perfect spot. And what were you like counting your change 25?

Like making sure you filled the meter off. Everyone's like, what were you doing, buddy? He's like, kind of, kind of. Oh, no, I feel bad for Brian. Well, he shouldn't have thought he had time when the head was already popping out.

I called it immediately. This is a shower was insane. But we love him. And he's a good dad. And he's good husband.

He is. Not the best hotel birth situations. Oh, man. Oh, hi. This is a humdinger.

That was good. I'm glad everyone's safe and healthy because yikes. She just stood up and gave birth into her pain. Baby your pants. The baby in the pants is now a 10 year old fiery little angel.

And actually, it's my other daughter. My older daughter, who we listen to armchair anonymous all the time together. And it's a special time that we love.

And she's always excited and hopes that it's appropriate for her,

because some of them are like, I don't know. Most of my friends like maybe she didn't listen to kinks. My daughter's love you guys, especially my second. She also watched parenthood with me recently. I've rewatched her and it's so good.

Of course we love Crosby. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I'm very lucky to have gotten to do that. I just appreciate everything about you guys. I've been an armchair.

Since day one. And I just listen to them all. And I love you both. Thank you. We love you back.

Kids would like to go. Yes, of course. Get them in here. Hi kids. Oh my gosh.

They're all here. The baby in the pants is here too. Yes. Tonka. What's everyone's name?

Maybe Charlotte. I'm right. Wonderful. We're grateful. You guys listen.

Yes. You have a favorite armchair episode.

“Is there one story that you always want to tell people?”

Well, the most in the world. Yes. Yes. This is quickly becoming an avidate. Now this story will be their favorite one.

Yes. It's a good story. Well, lovely meeting everyone. So Brian, we love him in my apologies for being hard on him. Yeah.

He's going to love it. All right. Thank you. Oh my God. We're meeting families to that.

Others are in war.

They'll do what needs doing. That story is similar to Elizabeth. Elizabeth and Andy.

They're second kid she had in the car.

“She had as they were pulling right up to the hospital.”

The doctors and nurses like Russia to meet them at the car and his born in the car. Didn't also set my ears. His wife delivered in the foyer of the apartment building.

I prefer to have it in the hospital.

I think most people prefer. That's it. You can't. It'd be cute. All right.

Love you.

“Do you want to sing a tune or something?”

We're going to listen to him.

Oh. All right. We don't have a book. So for this new show. So here I go, go, go.

“We're going to ask some random questions.”

And we'll help. Oh, oh, oh. Jerry's book is in suggestive. Beautiful. On the flyer, Ryan Fish.

On the flyer, Ryan Fish. Enjoy.