I Got Out of An Abusive Relationship

warning. This episode is going to include discussions of domestic violence, sexual assault,

“and abuse, as well as references to substance use. If you or someone you love need support,”

I have included resources in the show notes, so please take care while you are listening to this. Welcome to a very, very special Sunday session. I am so honored and grateful to be bringing you this episode today. For those who don't know today, Sunday March 8th is International Women's Day, and I am really excited to use today as an opportunity to highlight some

truly amazing and incredible women. I am going to be sitting down with two women who I have

gotten to know through working with an organization called Harvest Home. I began working with Harvest Home pretty much immediately once I started the unwell foundation. I was looking to partner with groups that put women's issues first and centered conversation around mental health and provided necessary resources for under-privileged groups. International Women's Day feels like the perfect time to honor Harvest Home because this is an organization that really reflects what's possible when we as women

show up for one another and find strength in leaning on each other. Harvest Home is a safe haven for women who are pregnant and experiencing homelessness. They open their doors to mothers and their children. They provide housing, therapy, financial programs and so much more to equip these mothers with everything they need during an extremely vulnerable time in their life. From getting to know the stories of the mothers in Harvest Home, one thing I found is

so many of them are coming from unbelievably challenging situations. One's that are often out of their control. Many of them are survivors of domestic abuse. Many of them are breaking long cycles of generational trauma and all of them are looking to put the health and safety of their children first. And so today we will be joined by Sarah, who is the executive director of Harvest Home and by Angie, who is an alumni of Harvest Home that has offered to share her story with us.

I hope through this conversation that we are all reminded that women supporting women isn't just

this busy thing for us to throw around. It is something that can actually be transformative and powerful

and it's impact, whether it is your friend, your mother, your sister, your neighbor, your co-worker.

“Every single woman in your life is navigating something that they could use support on and just”

showing up for each other actually matters so much more than I think we even realize. So with that, I am at Harvest Home today and I am so honored to be having this conversation and I hope you will all enjoy it. What is up Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. We are at Harvest Home today and I am joined by Angie and Sarah. Thank you guys so much for joining me

and welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thank you. Okay, first I just want to kick this off with you, Sarah,

to someone who may not be familiar today with Harvest Home. Could you give a little background of what this is? Absolutely. So Harvest Home is a nonprofit organization here in Los Angeles and we work and serve on house pregnant women. So we have two homes here in LA where women come in and we help them with all of the physical needs that they need to get back on their feet but also really just helping them to be equipped with the tools that they need for motherhood. And what are

the types of services that Harvest Home provides for women? Yeah, so first and foremost, the physical needs obviously if someone's been living in the streets or coming out of instability, being able to have a safe space. And I do emphasize safe that it's not just, you know, being in a shelter.

“I think one of the things we really pride ourselves in is our homes feeling like home and women”

really feeling valued and supported and seen when they walk in our doors and so providing that

healthy meals because we are maternity focused. It's also everything you need for a healthy pregnancy. So we have, you know, all the classes that are necessary. We have duales that come in. We have therapy on sites. So really, you know, actually in my own, my own journey to motherhood, I was like, oh, like, this is expensive stuff. Like Harvest Home really does like provide a lot. You know, you're like, I couldn't have used this kind of 200%. And can you explain like what

situations or dynamics would typically lead a woman to come to Harvest Home? It looks a little different for everybody. I would say the common thread is either experiencing homelessness being unhoused or some other type of housing instability. So sometimes it is a woman who's been like physically living on the street. Sometimes a woman's been in a car or more often than not, what we see is somebody who's been couch surfing, you know, from place to place, maybe they wouldn't even

have said they were experiencing homelessness until their pregnant and realized, like, whoa, I need some stability. And also people and women who are walking away from unhealthy unsafe relationships.

And so those are, those are some of the biggest things we see. Angie, when did you first come to Harvest Home?

“Came to Harvest Home in 2023. 2023. And what do you guys remember about first meeting each other?”

I was really nervous for us, just because I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how it was going to be, because I had been in and out of so many programs, shelters and stuff. So it's just like, well, how is this going to be? Yeah. So it was just really kind of meeting it with an open mind and gratitude, obviously, because I was coming from the street, you know, basically in a car like she moved. And when you got here, what ended up being your first

impression of Harvest Home? Man, how was that? A brush of breath there, you know, it was a safety comfort. And just being able to relax and sleep without being worried of, I had to look behind my back, or anything like that. I was safe in a place on a bed, stretched out fully in a car, you know,

and I was just secure, you know, safe. It's incredible to finally feel that in your life after

probably feeling so unsafe for so long. Sarah, through our work together, you have shared that domestic violence is the leading cause of homelessness for women. 80% of unhoused mothers have

“experienced domestic abuse. What are some early signs that a woman might be in an unsafe relationship?”

Such a good question. First and foremost, I think is that their entire world revolves around this person. So often a relationship that is, you know, does have this abuse of element to it. It may not start that way. You know, it starts maybe by feeling like you're that person's whole world. And, you know, it could be, could be what some people think of like falling hard for somebody, right? Like you're, they're entire world. But then over time, you know, starting to isolate more

from the relationships that you have, you know, in your life and starting more and more to maybe things that felt protective in the beginning. Like, oh, this person is, you know, providing things for me or this person calls and checks and on me a lot. Like, that feels so wonderful. But over time,

we can see that this is actually like controlling or manipulative behaviors. I would say first,

I would say, though, more than anything, it's those early signs or more visible to people on the outside than they are often to a person inside of a relationship. Yeah. That's a great point.

“And how do you think pregnancy could impact when someone is experiencing an abusive relationship?”

Yeah, it's interesting. So there's actually been, you know, some research that has shown that domestic violence actually increases when a woman is pregnant. And, you know, it's wild to me to think about that. But if you think about it, if if the relational dynamics are often about control as someone who's experienced pregnancy, you have very little control of what's happening in your body. And I'm sure within the dynamics of the relationship that that, you know,

that is present as well. Angie was domestic violence a part of your story. 100%. Yeah. Yeah,

that until I did. And then when I did, it did such damage that I felt that's all I deserve

because I ended up believing what the person was telling. You know, when was the first time that

you experienced abuse or mistreatment from a man? Um, I mean, we can say that since I was like five, really, you know, if we want to get into it. Yeah. Yeah. That was mistreatment, you know, sexual abuse. That's mistreatment, right? Yeah. So that's the first time I actually experienced it. But when I became conscious and aware and a willing participant to the relationship, that was when I was like, 21, and did you ever feel like your childhood informed,

maybe subconsciously, like some of the partners that you were choosing? Yeah. Absolutely. 100%. Since there is so much objectification and sexualization when I was a child, it made me believe that I had to be desirable to the opposite sex in order for me to feel worthy, right? And I've discovered that through therapy and counseling over the years. But if you didn't want to fuck me, I didn't feel hot, right? I didn't feel worthy. Can I curse them? Yes. Yes. Yes.

You can curse. Do your thing, girl. Got you. If you didn't want to, you know, sleep with me, I didn't feel like I was good enough. You know, so that also branches off into separate things like self-image, issues, self-worth. You know, I can even develop eating disorders or anything like that. I developed a lot of anxiety. So yeah, definitely my childhood, you know, shaped the relationships

that I've gotten into. What was your first serious relationship like? I was in high school and I was

“with him for like, I think two, three years. I lost my virginity to him. And he was a little older.”

And I was in high school still. So I was sneaking out of my house to go spend time with him and go drink and smoke and do things that we were doing. And, you know, I started going towards like the older boys, you know, just because that felt like that was comfortable. I felt, you know, like I had a way in. Sorry. No, it's okay. I think it's a very hard thing to describe as a woman. And I think I've spoken to so many women about being attracted to older men. There is almost

back to what you were saying about there is this desire. You feel worthy. You feel like I'm special. There's something about me that like he wants me for a reason. And I'm mature and I can hang out with them and I'm different. And so it does play into our insecurities as a young woman. Don't follow yourself for that because there's so many women who get into those situations and you can yes, look back now and be like, oh my gosh, I could see it. But at the time, you're just going

off of your heart and what you felt. Yeah. When you would, you know, find yourself in situations

“that you started to realize, okay, this is not healthy, this is abusive. I think abusers typically”

try to isolate and control their partners, right? You you reference that. How was that personally for you showing up in relationships Angie? So I was already isolated from the jump because I had moved from California where I was born and raised. I had my family and graduated from high school. Everything that I knew was in California. So I moved to Washington State after my mom moved there. So I was all alone, right? And I started trying to meet new people and I met this person and

I should have gone with my first gut instinct because my first gut instinct said,

I don't really like how you do things. And I said, I don't want to fuck with you anymore. And he got really upset, right? We didn't talk for like six months. I ran into him again and he approached

“me in a different way. And he got me. I was like, oh, maybe I was wrong about you, right?”

But he played me like a little fiddle, man. And yeah, he approached me a whole different way. And I was already isolated. I only had my mother there. And then eventually she moved back home to Honduras. And it was just me and him. And I was away from everybody. So I only had the few little

coworkers and stuff. So yeah, I felt like he was my everything because that's what I came home to.

“That's what I left. That's what I worked on. That's what I put all my time and effort into.”

That relationship is done in the household, right? Because as a, um, in my culture, as I grew up, you know, really old school, you take care of the house, the children, and the man, right? And to next time I like being a little house mouse, you know, I really enjoy it. He took it to far though. Like a toolpoint, I felt like I was just his maid and sex servant pretty much, you know. When you were going through this isolated, difficult time,

where would you turn to find relief from the pain and the anxiety that that relationship was

causing you? Unfortunately, that's where my drug abuse started. I didn't have anybody. I didn't know the people that I met good enough to vent to. I couldn't tell my mom because I felt embarrassed and I felt like I would worry her and stress her out while she's in a different country. Um, so I remember, I had gotten my wisdom to, it was pushing through and they prescribed me an obscene amount of perksets. And when I took them, I was like, oh, this is great. I was like,

he's yelling at me and talking smack and telling me the dishes aren't done or blah, blah, blah,

and I'm like, okay, you know, just, you know, so that's what gave me relief. Unfortunately,

that's what I had to lean on. You know, I felt like I didn't have anybody else besides the pills. And when did you realize that this had turned from a coping mechanism to a physical dependence

“for you? Oh boy, I remember that day clearly because it was snowing outside and I remember waking”

up and feeling like I had a cold and my body hurting and also my chest beating really hard. And I texted my friend because she's like, hey, what are you doing? I was like, I don't feel good. My nose is running. I got the chills. I feel like I have a cold, you know, and I feel really anxious. And she's the one that said she's like, well, maybe you're withdrawing. I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, well, you've been, you know, you're withdrawing. You know, I think you need another pillow.

You'll probably feel better. And I was like, no, there's no way. You know, I was like, there's no way. And then when she put that into my head, then I started obsessing on that. And I was like, oh, my god, I need it because now my body is like asking for it. And then I started getting more anxious because I

“started obsessing on it. So then that triggered that, like, cycle. And I think something that you”

said about, you know, this essentially was a way for you to escape a form of this abuse. Like, there was a numbing that when he was being abusive, you were able to kind of be in a different realm essentially because of these drugs. When you look back at that version of yourself, how do you think the way that you were treated by those type of romantic partners really, really impacted your confidence as a woman? I didn't have any. I didn't have any, I didn't have any so forth. I felt like I was getting

exactly like, oh my god, I felt like I was getting exactly what I deserved because I ended up believing him, right, believing them. And unfortunately our brain does this really weird thing that we stick to the negative more than the positives, right? We really, I have to really work on focusing on the positives more than the negatives. And at that point, I didn't have the tools that I have today, right. So looking back, yeah, it affected, I didn't have any confidence. You know, I didn't feel

like, I was worth literally squat, you know? Yeah, like, did you internalize like where there's statements that he would say to you that stuck with you for a long time? Um, yeah, that I wasn't going to amount to anything. And that, um, that I wasn't going to amount to anything. And I was just going to end up a gutter and dead in a gutter or something like that. Something along those lines. Oh my god, Angie, I'm so sorry. And now look at you and where you are today. Not in a gutter.

Girl, no, you are not. Um, you know, Sarah, I think even while we're speaking about this, the statistics say that women will go back to an abuser seven times before walking away for good. Why do you think it's so common to go back to abusive partners? Yeah, I think kind of thinking about

about how her identity and worth as a woman was so beat down that she didn't think she was worth

the of anything better than that, right? And so, um, thinking about really the isolation and, and also, Angie hasn't really spoken to it, but the financial abuse is huge. You know, one way of isolating and is essentially controlling finances, right? So if you don't have a pathway, if you don't have money, then if your option is living in a car or being back in, you know, a house that's unsafe, maybe the house doesn't sound so bad at this point. Yeah. I can think of we had a

resident many years ago who was her stepfather, was her abuser, and she actually viewed the abuse. This is just heartbreaking as he's not charging me any rent. And so these are the stories that we, you know, that women tell themselves, the stories that we tell ourselves that we think that it's we're not worthy of anything more than this. And so, you know, the, what is that phrase? Like the devil, you know, is better than the devil, you don't. Like the known chaos being in that environment,

“actually feels sometimes more safe than stepping out into something that's completely unknown, right?”

Understandably, a lot of women, it feels like the safer option to stay. How does harvest home provide safety for women getting out of these really dangerous situations? Yeah. So, I mean, harvest home is not exclusively a domestic violence shelter, but often women coming in, you know, have had this experience. And so, I mean, the first thing is just making sure that both of our homes are confidential addresses. All of our residents start out at our home in Venice,

and we ask that no one disclose that location for like the first 30 to 60 days that they're in the

program, because often what comes up is women don't even always recognize that they've been

in an unsafe relationship. And so, one of the very first things that we do are group therapy, actually at our Venezuelan, we do a curriculum called Seeking Safety, and it is from a very basic fundamental place, being able to define what to safety look like. And the number of women who walk away from that course and go, oh, I didn't realize one, I didn't realize like experience that as a child, I didn't realize I watched my mom, every relationship she's ever been in,

you know, just that. And so, starting from a very foundational place of defining what safety

“looks like. But then I think it's really is helping women, you know, Angie spoke to like”

just feeling unworthy. And starting from that place of, we believe in you even before you believe in yourself. So, helping women, you know, through therapy and through, you know, the classes that they're partaking in to really work on those core beliefs and those core wounds and to, you know, really, you know, kind of untie this not of, I think, often women think, well, even walking out of a relationship that's unsafe. It feels like, well, some things wrong with me are I wouldn't have

been there to begin with. And I know we just lightly touch on this, but I do want to get a little

bit more into, I think there are people who have never experienced abuse before, you know,

and it may be really hard for them to understand, like, but why wouldn't you just leave,

“like, just leave? And I think that's like a common rhetoric we see often where people like,”

okay, but she could have just left, like, why did she stay? And it's so privileged to say that, and it's so not that simple for women. Angie, from your experience, could you shed some light on why it felt impossible to escape abusive situations you've been in? Absolutely, uh, Sarah touched on that financial abuse, right? Um, even though I had my finances at some point or another, so you try to take control, right? So all of my finances were going into one account that I

barely had access to, right? Um, also, you know, maybe the vehicles, you know, I didn't get it, I didn't have my own vehicle, um, or also, um, the self-worth, you know, um, I felt like I couldn't do any better. I couldn't do it by myself. I needed him for some reason. Um, I felt like I couldn't possibly succeed on my own because he said it so much, you know, and I ended up believing it. Like I said, so like my spirit, my motivation, my, um, confidence,

my self-worth was just crushed, you know, and I don't think that people, um, realize how much verbal abuse has an impact on people. I, I would rather get punched than

deeper cut, you know, especially when they're met with such, um, hate and their, uh,

person, not in there in the way that they say it, you know, or how they're talking to you in such a derogatory way, it has such a weight, you know, that, um, I felt like for myself and just cut me deeper than anything could ever do, and it just made it that much harder to leave, you know, because there's so many unknowns, right? Like, well, if I leave, like am I going to be able to make it financially? If I leave, am I going to meet somebody worse? If I leave, am I going to be alone for the

rest of my life? If I leave, um, will I ever feel like myself, you know, will I ever heal? Will I ever,

be better, you know, so there's just so much unknowns in the, and the, the, the feeling and the pressure

of the unknown and the change is so scary. Sometimes that we rather sit in the misery, because it's comfortable, and it's familiar, you know, just like Sarah was kind of touching on. And I feel like

“from people I've also interviewed, I think that there's verbal abuse and physical abuse,”

there's an element of brainwashing that happens because it's like your whole reality is distorted because you are isolated because you are alone because this person is in a position of power, and they are abusing you, day in and day out, you slowly, your sense of self is chipped away at, and then you are kind of beholden to this person. So when people from the outside are like, but she could have just left, what upsets me about that is there's so much emphasis put on why

didn't the woman do something about it, and the question isn't why did he not stop abusing her?

Why was he not put in jail? Why was he not taking care of? Why is it always on the woman to fix

the problem when the problem is actually the man? Angie, can you walk me through the year of your life before entering harvest home? Like what was going on? Can you tell me the full story? So the year before I came into harvest home, I had relapsed and I had been hiding my use for the last year. I was working, I had a little job, I was seeing my son on the side, my oldest. And I was just kind of in really unstable environment, you know? Can you explain what that was?

Oh, so I was an unstable environment because I kept coming in and out of programs, right? So I couldn't stay clean long enough to get my own place and I was in and out of treatments, so that was really unstable. I was really trying, you know, because I really wanted to get my son back and even though there wasn't like a custody order or anything official on paper or through the

“courts, I wanted to be reunited back with him. But yeah, that was that's what kept pushing me to”

keep trying, right? But, you know, after several overdoses and in not a treatment, so relavings, I was just not stable enough to be able to care for him or give him a good life for him to thrive because I wasn't even thriving, right? So before I came to harvest home, I was like I said in an out of treatment. My current partner at the time, you know, kept trying to help me, he just didn't know how. So he would, you know, encourage me to go to treatment and show up at

treatments where I was at and be there for me and be consistent and be, you know, supportive and he believed in me, you know? So I found out I was pregnant. I was in my addiction. I could not stop. I wanted to stop and I would pray every night crying, you know, that I, I was scared that I was

“hurting my baby and I just couldn't stop, you know? So then, um, he's like, I think you should go”

back to treatment, right? And I ran away. So that's how I ended up sleeping in a car, you know, out on the street, um, for a few weeks and then, um, I knew something had to change, you know? So I started googling places. I was too far along to go into detox without risk of losing my son and then I was too far along to go into a treatment, right? And nobody else would take me. So then, uh, I found harvest home. I called them. I did the interview and then I was really hoping that, you know, they

interviewed me in-person and the person that interviewed me, um, it was such like a spiritual thing,

like every time I talk about it, always cry. Because I remember being so desperate for help and,

so desperate for God, you know, in guidance that, um, I think you just put me exactly where I needed to be because she ended up just praying for me out of nowhere, you know, and, um, I was so grateful for that, um, because that kind of cake started, uh, a much deeper relationship that I have with my

“God, you know? And, um, that's how I got into harvest home. You know, I think I was like, what, six, six”

and a half months pregnant or so. And, um, I got into the Venice house and, um, um, you know, I was doing counseling and therapy and, um, all these classes that I had to do just to make sure that I had all my ducks in a row because I was terrified that they're gonna take my baby away because I had drugs in my

system, right? And, um, I don't know, like, since I was a little girl, like I always played with my

baby dolls and being a mom, you know, and playing house and, um, that's why I wanted to be a mom, you know, so scared that they're gonna take my son away. So I tried to be proactive, you know, I did, I was proactive, you know, with everything that I was doing, um, my counseling,

“my, uh, medications, my therapy, my, um, psychiatrist, everything and everything. I was just taking”

care of. I was in a lot of that Venice house, like crazy. And, of course, he comes early when I'm totally unprepared. I had nothing. I literally had nothing, right? And, I came home one day to my room in Venice and there was, like, this big bassinet with all kinds of baby dolls. With all kinds of baby clothes and bottles and like, um, bibs and, um, everything that I didn't have that I needed, you know, I was so grateful, um, because he came early. And, uh, you know, they were telling me that there might

be some risks of him, like, withdrawing them, you know, from birth and I had heard so many stories from being in and out of the rooms of a, um, you know, your stories and you hear people of their babies,

“like, you know, being addicted and growing, you know, withdrawing when they were born and I was praying”

every night in my room, that he would be okay. And by the grace of God, he did an experience with one single symptom. Wow. Oh my gosh, Angie, he was a whole month early, no withdraws, no breathing

problems, no stomach problems, nothing. I knew I would never, ever touch another drug in my life.

Wow, like he had given me such a miracle and such proof of his presence that I was like, I'm never turning back. I'm always going to go forward and I'm not going to give this gift, uh, ever, you know, because I didn't care for my life, of course, you know, because I was just doing such reckless things during my addiction, but he was born and nothing happened. I was just like, that really good. Such a blessing. Wow. I, um, thank you for sharing that story because even

just you talking about that. It's, and I'm sure everyone watching and listening, like, I can see understandably how hard you were being on yourself because you have this baby coming, but to hear the beginning of your story and how this man beat down your confidence so intensely, how he was abusing you, how you were in this really, really horrible situation to the point where it drove you one day after getting that surgery to be like, oh my gosh, this alleviates that pain.

And I don't want to live in this pain of being abused and then this cycle just, it continued. And then now to see where you're sitting here today, like you are a fighter that got through that abuse and so many of these things that happened to you were because of what he put you through, and how beautiful that you were able now to give your child this better life. And it's because of you. It's not because of him. It's because of you and the work that you did on yourself.

It's incredible. When someone in Angie's position does reach out, looking for that immediate help,

so we have all of our new residents enter in through our home and Venice. And you know, we first

just do an interview to make sure they're okay, make sure they're safe, you know, do they have a place where they're, you know, able to be for the immediate future right for the next couple of days until we're able to bring them in. But it really is just a conversation of like, where, you know,

“what is happening in your life? What are the needs that you have? What are the goals that you have?”

How can we support you in those things? And really the the entire design of our home in Venice is really just providing a place for women to feel safe and to stabilize. And so our goal is to help women, you know, come in as quickly as possible. It is kind of funny because, you know, the things that typically within our process, like, well, we're not a domestic violence shelter, even though we show, we serve a lot of women who are walking out of that experience or through

that experience, and we're not rehabbed, you know, and it's, it's really funny to me that in both of those situations, for going to, like, that is, you know, you weren't actively in a domestic violence situation when you, when you came to Harvest home. But to me, it just, it shows how important it is to, to take a risk on people and believe in them, right? And this woman has just, it's just

so amazing, all of it. She's, like, walked through and accomplished in the last couple of years,

so. Angie, um, I know, obviously you started in the first Venice location, and then you eventually

“became a long-term resident at Harvest home. How did that feel and how did it go?”

Um, it was a little scary at first, you know, just because, um, there's more people in this house, because it's bigger, right? And, um, but as far as, like, the, you know, dealing with the baby, I was already kind of in over a team, because he came early, he, I actually had him at the Venice house when he was supposed to be here. You know, they move us here before we have our babies, and, um, he just wanted to come, so he was early. Um, but when I came here, um,

you know, I was already kind of ready, you know, on over a team of, of the baby, right? But then when I started doing the groups with the other moms and the other babies and seeing each other's process and, um, progress and process with the babies and, you know, being able to bounce off, like, concerns and ideas and like, you know, just kind of check in on each other and like, hey, I heard you had a rough night last night, because, you know, I, I was up to, you know, like, are you okay,

you know, like, yeah, I'm good, you know, or, you know, just kind of being there for each other, because as a new mom, not everybody understands unless you've been through it or you're in it, you know what I mean? And, uh, a lot of my friends and support groups support system, you know, their children are older, you know, so they're not in the infant toddler stages, right? So having somebody to be, you know, in with it, you know, like we're in it together, we're doing this thing

together, we're, you know, we're doing it at the same time. It just gives you kind of, like, more confidence and, like, strength to do. So I was like, well, as she can do it, I can do it, right, kind of like, bouncing off of each other. And I've met so many wonderful women in here, like, with just such big caring hearts, it's just a blessing, you know, and to see their children grow and to see them grow with their children, like, as a mother, as a woman,

as whatever they're doing in their field, it's so cool. It's, you know, to see them blossom to who they really are, especially from hearing their stories of where they came from, you know, like, it's just like, yeah, they're all to get it, you know, like, that's right.

“No, it's obviously, I think there's nothing more powerful than community through women to”

uplift each other. Can you remember a time where another woman here really helped you through a difficult time during those first initial months of, you know, having your son? Yeah. Um, I think, um, I really do well on praise, right? I found that out. I think everybody does to an extent. And I remember this woman was so genuine with her, um, admiration towards me, I guess, is the word, um, that it made me feel so good that I wanted to keep doing better. You

know what I mean? And she was so like, you're so strong. I always see you, you're on top of your

stuff, and you're in and out, and you're always busy, and you're always doing something, and I know that if you can do it, I can do it. She's like, I always looked up to you, and

so strong, and even her story too, she was just, she's the gentlest woman. I think I've ever met, you know?

“And, um, she helped me a lot through a lot of times that she probably doesn't even know that I was”

struggling mentally, and she would just come up to me and tell me random little things. She's like, damn, she's like, I really admire how you do A, B, and C, you know? And she probably has no idea that like that helped me so much. And also hearing Angie from the years that you experience the complete opposite of people telling you, you weren't worthy, and you weren't going to amount to certain things like to have other women that have no agenda other than just being honest, being like,

I recognize these beautiful parts of you, how amazing the new are internalizing those finally

for the first time in a long time, and you deserved to internalize those because they're accurate to who you are as a woman. How do you think when you look back at your time at Harvest Home did your confidence shift from what we did initially talk about, where it was, you didn't have that confidence at all? Oh boy, it's a complete 180. I still struggle, you know, with my little negative talk, but yeah, because you know Harvest Home like we cook for each other, right? Like

we cook once a week for each other. And I forgot how much I love to do that, right? So like certain little things that they implement here in the program that kind of real wake in some things in you, right? Like whether it's exercising or crafts or cooking or just being with the little's, you know, and I think the cooking really helped me get into that a lot because it's

such a love language for me. Like I've always loved cooking and I love cooking for everybody,

also like that made me feel so capable. And the kitchen makes me feel in control, you know, because I know what I'm doing with these things, and I know what the timing of everything is, like so it's my my little center of control, right? Like I can't control anything else, but I can control how this dinner's gonna look, right? So that helped me a lot, personally. You know, the cooking, especially, you know, when everybody enjoyed it and they weren't faking it, you know?

“So that was even the best thing. Like I remember one of the girls was, um, she, when I first,”

the first meal I cooked, I think, was like a marry me chicken or something like that. She's like,

dang, that chicken was fire, and she had never talked to me before, right? She was like,

"And that rice was perfect." I was like, "I've been making rice since I was like eight, you know?" And so that felt really good, you know? So it was just like, "Okay, well, I'll keep cooking," and then every time I cooked, no complaints, you know? And it was, that made me feel really capable. And it makes me so happy for you because you did say, you know, in that those relationships you had, you were supposed to take care of that household,

and you were cooking for these men, and it wasn't met with anything of thank you's or appreciation. And so the fact that you do have such a love for it, but you probably lost that love because it came with control and fear. You now got to reassociate something you love so much and have people be not only just enjoying your food, but also giving you thanks for something that you put a lot of hard work into, which is beautiful.

And Sarah, could you talk about some of the ways that Harvest Home puts a focus on the community for the women? I know you guys just talked about the nightly dinners. There is group

“therapy, what impact do you see from these resources?”

Yeah, absolutely. I do think that the relationship building is kind of sometimes people are like, what's the secret to your sauce? Like you have really strong outcomes and see so many women being successful. And it really is that communal relationship building, and certainly among the residents, but also from our staff, like the staff, we have such a caring staff that truly sees the women here as valuable and we're the incapable and just has such vision for

their goals to come to fruition. And so I think that's so amazing. But on the community relationships side, so that nightly dinners, so every day, every night, Monday through Friday, six o'clock, our residents sit down and share mail together. And I would say the number,

is how stabilizing and normalizing just that nightly dinner practice was. And just, I mean,

the number of women who have said, like, I thought that was just on TV. Like people actually do this and then moving out on their own. And like, they're like, I have a toddler and I'm still cooking my nightly dinner for my toddler. And so that, but what I love is you had literally go to that dinner on a Monday and everybody's mood and energy could be one way. And on the Tuesday, it's like completely opposite end of the spectrum, you know, nobody talks or whatever. But that

isn't that what real life feels like, isn't that what family feels like that we feel safe? We can show up in our home, however we need to, just as we are. And so that, and then every night,

Monday through Friday, we have classes as well. And so we mentioned the group therapy.

But each of those times, they're just times for women to connect. They're building skills,

“they're learning new things. But I think what it solidifies over and over again is that I'm not”

alone. Like there's other people who are walking through this same thing. And then, you know, it was like Angie mentioned, like it's the the moments in the kitchen in the morning where like two bleary-eyed women are like, I heard your kid last night. You heard my kid, you know? And those things are just like, oh gosh, these postpartum bodies. Like, whoa, I didn't expect this to happen. You know, just, I actually think that after my own like experience becoming a mother,

realizing how isolating in general the experience of becoming a parent can be. And so what a gift it is to really be able to, I mean, I consider it such a gift to be able to have community with our residents here. And it's just, you know, it's it's really wonderful. It is really beautiful. You know, when we've volunteered here seeing these women, the way they interact with each other, the respect that they have for each other, the community that you have built here. And you have

built here with all these women. It is really inspiring. You know, Angie, I know eventually, obviously you left harvest home because you were ready for independent living. But after years and years of being put down by these romantic partners and experiencing abuse, how did the positivity

“of harvest home change your outlook for what your future could look like when you were ready to leave?”

When I left, I'm still really nervous, but I felt more grounded. I felt more capable. I felt more sure of myself as a mother, right? So next, I had to work on all the other areas, right? Like, I had to get my foot back in the door of like school to get, you know, where I wanted to go. And it gave me the confidence to do it. You know, it gave me the confidence to actually be like, yeah, I can do that instead of like, oh, no, I don't know if I can or making excuses,

because I'm good at making excuses for myself, you know, or no, I have a kid or, oh, no, I can't do it with my son or blah, blah, blah, blah. No, harvest home gave me the confidence to say, I can do this and that and more. You know what I mean? And I did, like, I was able to go to school. I finished my course as a peer support specialist, you know, medical peer support specialist, and I'm going to take my state exam soon, you know, and I'll be working in the field soon.

I'm not sure where I'm going to end up at, but I'm confident that it'll be okay. I'm not terrified by the future, and I'm not like super scared about it, you know, so it gave me like a good footing. It gave our relationship a good footing to start off on and to continue to sick help, which we have, you know, me and my partner have, he's in counseling. He just is therapy. I do my counseling. I do my therapy. We keep up on our, on our agendas, you know, like we do things

differently. We hear each other out. It's the healthiest relationship I've been in. We've had our ups and downs, but that wouldn't have been possible, you know, without the experience that I had here, without the therapy, the classes, the hope, you know, the hope that I got here, you know,

“the courage, the, they believed, like she said, they believed in me before I did in myself, right?”

They loved on me until I could love on myself because I'm always the one to love everybody

else and I forget to fill up my own cup, you know, and there are always, what are you doing for yourself? What are you going to do for yourself tonight? What are you going to do for you today? You know, and they always bring me back to self, right? Because that's where it starts. That's where everything begins. Within me, you know, it's been invaluable. You know, now I have my own

fighting to get my oldest, and I finally have him, you know, he's nine years old, and he's finally with, well, I'm just so happy that he's with me. I'm so happy for you. How did that feel when you finally got custody of both of your boys? I'm surreal. I was fighting for images happening in instant, you know, and I was just so happy. And, you know, we're building our, we're starting to build our routine, you know, we're starting to build our little schedule with my son, you know,

the old, my oldest, Raymond, and he's seems so happy there. You know, he never wanted to go home

“anyways, and when he did come and visit, you know, and that's why I got the two bedroom, you know,”

to be able to have the space for both of them, and I want to give them what I never had. You know, I want them to be able to have their voice. I want their be able, them to have a choice in what they want to do. I want them to feel safe to come to me to tell me anything, right? And I've been practicing that with my oldest because through the transition between coming with me and coming from his dad, you know, it's, there's a difference, you know, and there's some, you know, issues in

between that we're, you know, kind of smoothing out in the process. But I just love that

I'm present enough today that I'm here enough today as my whole self to be able to be there for my son, like my mom tried, you know, and she did the very best she could, and I love my mother, but today we have more tools, we have more knowledge, we have more information, right? So, I want to carry all of that into, I want to pour all of that into my son and I want to, you know, make him realize, well, harvest home made me realize, you are enough, you are worthy, you can do

whatever you want. You know, so to be able to pour what they poured into me into my children, means a lot to me because it's done a lot for me. And I want that for my kids, you know, well, they are very lucky boys, they have a very strong mother who has fought so hard to be able to be present for them and be there and change the course of your history and, you know, transgenerational trauma and what your mom went through and who you are today, like that takes

“strength and that takes true effort, it takes pain, it takes time, it is not easy. I think a lot of”

people think, oh, well, then just get better, just get better and it's like, it is, this is for the rest of your life, like we have to work on ourselves for the rest of our life and it can either be scary or you can embrace it and it's so clear that you have embraced this part of your life and it's going to change yours and your family's lives, which is so beautiful. I also think in wrapping up one of the last things I do want to emphasize because I think this is so applicable

to everyone who will watch this episode is the power of women and community and obviously there's a lot of times where women can feel pitted against each other and we can feel like there's competition in a room but harvest home and your story today is such a testament to when we do come together as women how powerful it can be and how we can actually get ourselves out of these horrible situations

that we should have never had to have been in the first place but it happens. If you guys have

any advice, maybe, for people listening, if someone is watching and they have a friend who is in a toxic or abusive relationship right now, how can a friend be there to support their friend

“through that time? What's the right way to do that in your opinion? Keep showing up, that's what I would”

say, that touched on that number of how many times it takes for someone to actually walk away also shared early on in our conversation about how isolating those unsafe relationships can feel and keep showing up, just keep showing up, don't always and it doesn't every conversation it's to what Angie just spoke of of wanting her children to feel safe coming to her, be the person that people feel safe coming to without judgment, without shame, without harping on the boyfriend

or the person all the time, be the safe person, keep showing up. Angie, do you have any advice

do it, listen to your gut, definitely that trust myself more, trust your gut, trust your instinct, trust who you are, because when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time, trust yourself, listen to yourself, trust who you are as a woman, trust who what you want, what you don't want, what you tolerate, what you don't tolerate, trust that don't budge for anybody

“or anything, that's what I would tell myself. It is so beautiful that you are at a place where”

you can be sitting on this couch and giving advice to women, right, who may be in a position where

you were years ago, like how does that feel? I have no words honestly, my never thought I would

be here because I believed that for so long that I was going to die, a gutter junkie, you know, I believed that for so, so long. So now that I'm here today, it's surreal. I still don't know how to feel. I'm sure I'm awake that hurt. Like pinch myself. Yeah, it's just surreal, you know, and I'm still glad that my, my friends were right, you know, like my biggest asset is my story and my story is the biggest thing that can help somebody else. And for like a long time,

I'd be like, I don't have anything to say. I don't have anything worth blah, blah, blah again. That's just my, my little negative side talking and I, you know, we put work it, I put work into that into just kind of brushing it off, you're like, that's not true. You know, like, so those positive affirmations, the confidence building, the, it takes some effort to take some time. It feels weird at first, but it's worth it because now like I believe it and I don't believe the negative

anymore. I don't focus on the negative. I believe I, I focus on the positives. You know, like those little glimmers during the day, I start my day with a gratitude list. I start my

“day with prayer. I start my day with the verse of the day, you know, and that's how I start my day”

with gratitude, you know, like an attitude of gratitude. And that's what's helped me so much because

I came from nothing. You know, I have never had a stable place in my life for more than like

a year until recently. You know, I've moved so much. So now that I'm stable with my kids, in my own place, with my name on it, right? I have the keys for it. They're mine. You know, it's just amazing. You know, um, it feels so good. You know, to be able to tell my kids like this is our home. Nobody can get mad at me and say, get out. Nobody can tell me. I'm done with you. Get out. You know, I'm the boss. I'm the one that has that it's my house, right? So it's our house with my kids,

of course, but I like it's my house. Let's go. I have it decorated how I want to. I clean it. How I want to. I organize that how I want to. And my partner just says yes. Which is the best part. You like, you know, a babe? Sure. Yeah. Do your thing. And you deserve that. Your story is so inspiring. And I'm so happy for you to hear how we, you know, you started to where you are now. Again, it's just a testament. It's like you did that. Um, and obviously Harvest Home had such an impact.

“Sarah, if someone is listening who wants to support Harvest Home, what is the best way for them to”

get involved? Yeah. Absolutely. Well, if you're here in LA, we would love to have folks join us as anyway, they're ready to step in. Honestly, volunteers. I think that's another relational aspect. We didn't really talk about if just when women have been isolated and people show up and say, like, hey, we want to support you. We're here to help. Just how much that speaks. People you don't

even know. And so we have opportunities to volunteer. Certainly, always opportunities for people

to support financially. And so yeah, I'm sure our website will be in the show. Yeah, it's or something, but if people are not, you know, in Los Angeles, find a place locally to show up and and serve and, you know, be of support to others. So yeah. I cannot thank you both enough for sharing your story today for informing us on what Harvest Home can do. And again, like if you're not in Los Angeles, there's so many other places like this that are changing women's lives. And I am so inspired

you know, we don't know who's going to listen to this and it could inspire them to literally

that day call for help. And you did that today. And so thank you so much Angie for being vulnerable. I know this can be intimidating with cameras and all the things. You were a pro. Thank you so much.

“And I think this was a perfect way to celebrate international women's day. So thanks, ladies.”

Thank you for having us. Thank you so much. Okay, Daddy Gang. I hope this episode was as meeting full

for you as it was for me. As women are community with each other is vital to our success in this world. That is a fact. And when we choose to meet each other with kindness and sensitivity instead of judgment,

the impact can be genuinely life-changing as we just heard today. To anyone watching today who saw

parts of themselves in Angie's story, I want you to know that you are not alone, whether you are struggling with an abusive relationship or unstable living situation or maybe you're just in a really challenging time of your life, you deserve support, you deserve compassion.

“There are so many resources out there that literally exist because you should not have to navigate”

this without community. In the show notes, I have included contact information for the National Women's Shelter Network, the National Domestic Violence hotline, the rape abuse and incest national network, and the crisis texting line. If any of those could be helpful to you, I highly encourage you to reach out. And for those watching and listening who are in a position to give back, there are a ton of ways to get involved with both yes harvest home and the unwell foundation.

I can put more information in the show notes. Whether it's financial support or volunteering, truly anything helps to make an impact. So I love you guys so much and I am so grateful that we

“got to share this together today. Go call your girlfriend, check in on your loved ones and remember”

that the community of women around you. Truly is everything. Daddy gang, I will see you guys on Wednesday. Love you. Bye.