It's Always A Genitalia Thing

Welcome to the second season, who knew of ill-advised by Bill Nye and as always, the clue

is in the title. This is a podcast for people who don't get out much and can't handle it when they do. It's a refuge for the clumsy and the awkward. We continue on ill-advised in our mission to provide something for you that is entirely in consequential.

Our mission is to give you a break, frankly, and hopefully put the kettle on and take a break from anything that you might struggle with, or even just normal stuff. You can squander time with me, that's our quest. I've always been good at loathing, it's a superpower, which is quite handy if you're an actor, because you do spend long periods unemployed, particularly when you're starting

out, and I was already match fit in terms of loathing. Loathing unconcerned is another matter, but I'm pretty good at that now, but that's because I made some money, so that's not so tricky. As with season 1, there will be several playlists and books that I will recommend, which

“you won't have to remember because it will be written in the show notes, and also there”

will be a link to Spotify. Thank you for all your questions in season 1. We were inundated, overwhelmed by the response, and we are grateful for that. People from all over the planet had urgent questions to ask me of all people, and I did attempt to answer them without actually making things worse.

So let's hear a question from somebody somewhere in the world. Hi, Bill. This is Gigi from Brazil. I've got a question for you. How do you feel about belly buttons?

You know that whole we have in the center of our bodies. I think they're ugly, they freak me out, and they are completely unnecessary. Okay, cheers. Bye. Thank you, Gigi.

I couldn't disagree more, actually. I find belly buttons rather moving, because they're just an indication that in the end, you know, we are creatures, and we are all more or less built the same. I find them quite touching and attractive to be honest, but then let's face it. There are belly buttons, and then there are belly buttons, so depending on, you know,

I'm sure your belly button is more attractive than you imagine it to be.

“I don't think you should view it as a flaw.”

I've never really recovered from Kim Novak in a movie before you were probably born, Gigi,

where she had a diamond in her belly button, which when I was about 12, was deeply unsettling. My research assistants have looked into this, and apparently what you are or what you have is on phala phobia. Someone who has an intense dislike of belly buttons. There is another tribe, to which I belong, of people who are other partial to a belly

button, and they're called Alvena philiax, of which I am proud to say, I am one. Hello Bill. This is Michael. I'm a Brit, and I've been living in Shanghai for about 30 years, and visit London about once a year.

Now, my question is about how you actually leave a restaurant properly when the tables are very close together, and that is, if you're squeezing out sideways between two tables, do squeeze out so that your genitals are actually facing the diners on the next table, or do you actually leave the other way so that your bottom is actually scraping across their table as you actually make your way to the exit?

I found this a real by lemmer as particularly in London, only the tables in a lot of restaurants, even quite good ones are a close together. I would really value your advice. It's not a problem in China or I'm living, as the tables are generally circular, and

there's always facilitates a very easy exit.

Michael, thank you very much for your question. It's an undurigarded problem in my view. You're quite right. It would depend, I suppose, to some degree, I mean, nothing personal, Michael, although there couldn't be anything more personal than asking you about your bottom, but if you

have, let's say, a considerable bottom, then you might opt for the genitalia version. It is very difficult.

“I remember finding out that I had a brother one time, because I went to a restaurant with”

my brother, who's my older brother. But I failed to squeeze between two tables, and a bottle of wine on a table adjacent to

get off my, you know, it wasn't those words exactly, but that was the tone."

And suddenly my brother was stood in front of me, saying to this man, "Yeah." And excuse me, what problem, really, with my brother, you know, and I was like, "Oh, my God, you know, this is my big brother." And the man said, "Wow, yeah, he said, "Yeah, well, sorry, no, what?" And he sat down very reluctantly, still bluffing.

And my brother turned around and said, "Get out of here, go on." And it was very, very moving, because it was the only time really that it's been necessary to defend me, so I thought I'd give you that. As for the answer to your question, Michael, how would I know the answer to that question? But I'm flattered that you think I might, and I'm glad to know that they don't have

all those risky corners on tables in China.

“But I would suggest that the best thing to do, it's always a genitalia thing.”

People are going to be less offended by genitalia than they are if you point your arse at them, if you don't mind me saying, with no disrespect, as I say to your arse, which I'm sure is, cumbly. I billed, as Phil Daniels here, fellow Thespionum Rock and Roller. Years ago, I made an album, and I really enjoyed it, but the act-in took over as it

does. But I'm back in the studio, full of your years later. Now, you've played musicians, managers, singers in your career, and I know you love music. Have you ever been tempted to take us back all from acting, have a guy right in songs or put in a band together, and live a rock and roll lifestyle again?

And are you an advocate of it's never too late?

All the best, sorry for a cast-and-a-nate, Phil.

“Phil Daniels, it's really good to hear from you, and I'm really pleased that you must”

listen to the book us, and yeah, I'm an advocate of it's never too late, you know, a man in my situation, you've got little choice, really. We are ramping up the operation rather than winding down, and it's a good question. I did, as you may, I don't know whether you know nobody knows, because we never got out of the garage, but I did attempt to be in the world of rock and roll with a band many years ago in the

cities, and the name we had, which I think was lost on the irony was lost on most people at the time. We were called the Love ponies, which made me laugh, but it didn't seem to make many other people laugh, and I was the singer, and I wrote lyrics and stuff, but I found it really difficult.

I mean, being an actor's quite difficult standing up in front of people and being the only person to speak, but standing up in front of people and singing and singing words that you've written yourself, I found it very, very exposing and very tricky, and I didn't know that you could kind of act it. I thought that if you stood in front of a band and throw shapes, I thought you had to throw

shapes that sort of suggested you were good in bed, and I wasn't entirely convinced that I was. So I found it all, the whole thing was very, I wasn't ready. I've never been ready.

“I would find it really difficult now, because you have to take yourself seriously in a way”

that I'm not really ready to, but I was associate you with music, and I remember the cross the band, and I'm really glad to hear that you're back in the studio. Would I do?

I fantasize about the album before I die, and I'm always thinking of names for bands, which

is a sort of compulsion. My latest one is the overlooked. I thought it'd be quite good for a band of blocs, my age. We'd be called the overlooked, it's got something to it, and yeah, now I dream of that. I think singers such a hard thing to sing, particularly, to be able to sing really well must

be, I can't, I can hold a tune, you know, I'm a singer in the shower, but I would love to be able to sing for real. Later on, when I left the love poem is, they continued to perform as the love poem is, and in fact, they wrote a song, which was called "Hey Hay with the Love Pony's", and it was based on the monkey's tune for those of you still alive, I remember.

Hey Hay with the monkeys, our song obviously went "Hey Hay with the Love Pony's" and people say we'd pony around, so whatever you think pony means, I like the word pony, just generally speaking, because I like the idea of pony's, but I also like it, because a pony is 25 pounds, it's also, of course, part of the Cockney rhyming slang, "Pony and

names, we'd like to introduce a new feature, which is called "I'm with the band", and what we ask for is for listeners to send in the name of bands that they've been in, and the lyrics from some of their signature songs. I would suggest just one song, just to give us a taste, and I will read the lyrics out on the air as part of "I'll advise my bell-knife", and I will read them with love and respect

and with great gravity, and if you believe that, you'll believe anything. You can send them in via our Instagram, which is apped, "I'll advise my bell-knife", we look forward to hearing from you. I'm Mr. Nye, I have a hose request, is there an absolute when it comes to sock length,

“or is it something that's situational, or generational, yours truly, Dan from Niagara Canada?”

Hey Dan, thank you for your question, give my regards to Niagara Falls, where I've never

been. Am I have to do something about that? Now, it's not generational, although I did a job once, long time ago, and the water of department were very young women, or rather, I'd got older, and so everybody started to be younger than me, and when I put on my own personal socks at the end of the day,

and they went up to, I guess, the middle of my calf, all of the girls couldn't help themselves, and they burst into laughter. It was that tricky age, I can't remember, but I was probably like 49, or maybe 51, where you still worry about these things.

“Now, it's too late, and I really don't mind if you laugh at my socks, but in those days,”

I was sensitive, and it hurt me, and I thought, oh, and it's when you find out how old you are, you sort of you live in a trance where you're still 28, but in fact, you're 49. And it's when you, it's those occasions when you find out you're reminded of the reality of your age.

It's like when I was about 50, probably, around the same time, I was in a prison movie, and I had to run in order to escape from prison, and I had to run down a corridor, very,

very fast, so on the first take, I ran down the corridor, very, very fast, and the crew

clapped, and then you know that you no longer look like someone who can run very fast down a corridor, so that when you run very fast down a corridor, it's an event, and the younger men of the crew were surprised and shocked that I was able to run at all, which is a revelation, you know, it's another, it's one of those turning points. Anyway, sock length, you don't want to see any of your leg, or I might know disrespect,

“maybe your leg is great, down my legs, honestly, my legs haven't seen the light of”

the day this century, you know, you don't really need to see any of my flesh, so if I can use the word flesh, and therefore I would wear a mid-carve, short socks, I don't understand, and also aesthetically, they just don't work, you know, not for me, they don't work. When I make these statements about clothes and stuff, it's just this is how I feel, I don't expect other people to feel the same way, but short socks make me sad, make me unhappy.

This is always to do with men, with women, short socks, fine, shorts, fine, but for men,

short socks make me uneasy, but you don't want ones that go right up to your knee, because that would make you look ridiculous, and they also, they feel pretty terrible. I have tried it, they don't work, but it's not a generational thing, lots of things are invented as generational, when they're not at all, but that's usually for marketing purposes. Hi Bill, I'm Gemma from Perth Western Australia, and I would like your suggestions for creative

ways to swear without using naughty words. I've found that I'm swearing really all too much lately, I have a young son, and I'm trying not to swear in front of him. I knew someone who used to say, "Oh, put it in the oven!" as a way of swearing in front of her children, which I found quite creative, so I was really keen for your thoughts on the subject, because there's nothing quite so satisfying as having a good swear when the moment calls for it. Thanks in advance.

some profanity. Well, yeah, I've got no here, it's put it in the oven. It's slightly unsettling,

“but I think funky alternatives to real swearing are hard to come by without sounding”

actually worse than if you were swearing. If you say things like flick or fluck or flack, it just sounds, it just sounds, there's something about it, I absolutely hate it. You're not suggesting that, I know, but just for the record, I can't bear it when people used to do that. I think my mother used to do something like that. She'd say something instead of the word, you know, "Get off your horse and drink your milk," was suggested yesterday,

as a way of saying something that could be said in a profane manner. Pretty much anything could

be said in a profane manner. I would just, I mean, what do I know? Gemma, let's list, we forget. I have no idea what the answer to your question is. That is what the whole of this podcast is based upon the fact that I don't know what to do. But given that you're asking, I would suggest that you moderate real profanity and save it for, you know, special occasions,

“but not fool around with alternatives, because I think they actually end up sounding kind of more”

squeamish-making than the real thing. And there's not a lot really wrong with the real thing. There is one word that you can't use, and we all know what that word is. A friend of mine, Rufus, in the '80s or around that time, when that word became a matter of some concern and debate about whether it was ever acceptable to use it, and it was generally accepted that it wasn't. If anyone used that term near my friend, he would go over and say, excuse me,

do you mind not using that word? I happen to be one, and I don't like it bandied about as a term of abuse, which is a perfect joke. You could say it to yourself now, but you could use the word privately on your breath. You could use the word, and you'll get the full impact of the joke, because it's a major joke. It's kind of perfect. It's around as 360 degrees, and it works from every angle. And now time for some band words. These are words sent in by listeners,

which they want removed from the English language. I passionately agree with this one. It is what it is, which is not a word, it's a phrase, but somebody wants it gone, and it was placed before the Permissions Committee, and it now no longer exists. There's a word that perfectly good

word heritage, which you can no longer use, not since they attached it to tomatoes, basically.

Once it became a tomato, it ceased to be a word you could take seriously. And also it was used by shady enterprises to gull you into thinking that things were of a tradition of historic, in other words, just kind of salesmanship. So it was corrupted. The word no longer can be used. Here's something that's been on my mind, and I didn't get around to it. The word so at the beginning of a sentence, it's time that was retired. It started. I don't know. I don't

“I'm not very good at years, but I think it started about three or four years ago, and everyone”

would say so at the beginning of every sentence. So that's gone. Unless you are Irish, apparently it's okay if you put so at the beginning of the sentence if you come from Ireland. But I don't understand that, really. So what would you say? So, so, so micro. No, I don't think I think it's the same for any language. I think once you've banned it from the English language, I think we root, it's banned from all language. It's no longer allowed. It's allowed in other contexts, but not at the beginning

of a sentence in the way that we refer to. This week's playlist is called Shake Don't Shiver, and it features Mink Deville doing his probably biggest hit called Spanish Stroll. I went to Seemink Deville years and years and years and years and years ago, and he made the mistake of asking for a drink over the microphone, and he was drinking large. I think they were large jackdannials or large wild turkeys, and he ended up with like 20 shot glasses at his feet

from members of the audience, and of course he had to drink them all because he was a big, strong rock and roll star. He was not in great shape by the end of the gig. And then at one of the great

I try to pick songs that I feel are in the same kind of groove. Not so much grooves. I'm

“going to risk the word "vib". Oh yeah. It used to be that you didn't want to stand too near”

to anybody who used the word "vib" first time around in the '70s I suppose. But now it's been

uh, it's been laundered by irony over the decades, so it's now safe to use that word. In fact, it's fun. It's fun saying "vib" but I find it fun anyway. And then, I'm not so familiar song perhaps from the artist we can't get by without Prince and it's called The Holy River. And then, one of my favourite I continue to turn as songs, their version of an old blues standard called "Creasy About You Baby". And then from Rahim Devon, a song I love called "Marve in Use to Say".

And what Marve in Use to Say was what's going on among other things and saved the children.

“Anyway, that's this week's and I think they would all warrant a shake around the kitchen,”

you know, if you turn it up and put the kettle on and you could, you know, snake your hips. This week's book is from the Inestimable Zady Smith and it's a collection of essays called "Dead and the Live" with a very beautiful photograph on the cover and just for the record. And she writes at one point about "Kilbin" and the essay is called "Kilbin My Love". And I'll read you just a little bit of it to give you the tone, un-gentrified, un-gentrifiable.

So I wrote of my beloved Kilbin once a long time ago. Later, I realized that some people may have considered this to be a complaint that I wanted Kilbin to become more like, say, Queen's Park. With more opportunities to drink four quid coffees and ten quid smoothies, or to be moaned down by a red trouser gentleman who is driving for some unknown reason, a land rover defender. But nothing could be further from the truth. I lived precisely on the border of Willston,

Kilbin, Bronzebury, and Queen's Park. I was born and raised on Willston Lane. In my mind, all roads lead to Kilbin. It is where I go for proof of God and proof of a bargain. I consider it the best place to witness the old Irish at rest and the young West Africans at play. I love to observe the Eastern European security guards of T.K. Max, performing the Sicifian task of trying to stop people, seizing their reparations from global capitalism and walking straight out the door

without visiting the cash register first. I thrill at so many drivers and pedestrians treating

traffic lights as obscure suggestions. When I'm walking the high road, I enjoy a truly staggering variety of physical and satorial beauty, most of it undreamed of in the philosophies of fashion magazines. And then, I like to pop into super drug to watch an almighty screaming cue fight. I am the luckiest novelist in the world to live so close to the most interesting street in Europe. Once again, we say goodbye and that's the end of this episode of Iloidvise by me. I hope we've

successfully enabled you to waste at least a part of your day, which is I feel healthy. And if we have,

“we're proud and pleased. I wish you well and thank you for listening and remember it's nice to be”

important but it's important to be nice. Bye bye everybody. Bye bye. Iloidvise by me was produced by Alice Williams and Keara Gregory, the assistant producer was Angelique Somers pronounced somers and is an iPod Studios production.

Spare now about 500 euros and to get even more in your old Sandy by us, in the best net.

“No more by the telecom. In the street, in my guest city, I'll make the kitchen the kitchen.”

I'm a salad. I like the right way and I like the 5070 Euro stat. On the right, the point comes

very good. It's the RGB.