Ali Adler

We got set up, I think, in less than a day. With very little effort, we could just focus on the supply chain to the product development. Shopify gives us the ability to customize without the complexity. We can change something without introducing fragility or having to pay a developer. We're thirsty total and we leveled up our business with Shopify.

Start your free trial at Shopify.com/au. Question for you, Heidi.

When did you get your first tattoo?

I got my first tattoo in a hidden place and I was younger, but I started doing my sleeves at 50. At 50, at 50. And how many do you have now, hang on. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Welcome to Talk 50 to me.

56, 97, 143. Hi, Heidi. Hi, Constance. Do you really not know how many tattoos you have? I used to count and then I kind of lost count because I started building sleeves.

When I was 50 and the funny thing is, I wish I didn't have the tattoos that I got before 50 because I don't like them and when people ask me about my tattoos all the time, I say,

“I think you should wait till your older because you change so dramatically what you liked from”

younger to older and I love all my tattoos at 50, but I mean, I have the equivalent of what could be a tramp stamp on my ass, which is an island that says Saint Fu, which is shut the fuck up and I don't know that I need shut the fuck up on my ass. I mean, I needed in life, but I don't, but the story of getting my big arm tattoo at 50, I was still so not as confident as I am now and I wanted just a very small tattoo on my arm

and he drew a really big tattoo and I was too embarrassed to say, oh, it's too big that I just did it and then once I did it, I was like, well, fuck it now, I got to get a whole bunch more. And how many would you say you do a year? I try to do at least one a year, but usually two and my artists just free hands them and I, the thing about my tattoos is I feel like they say who I am before I enter a room or as I enter

“a room and I think it gives people the idea that I'm like edger and cooler than I might be when I”

first meet people so I really enjoy them. I feel like maybe that is what tattoos are is showing who you are before you speak a little bit. I think about the tattoos that my husband has or I think about any time I see someone with a tattoo, whether it's like a Tasmanian devil on their, you know, fashion or, you know, thigh tattoos or, you know, it just right away speaks to gives them a voice

without speaking. And it's interesting because I've always wanted one, but I've just always still

been like forever to take you for your first tattoo. I know, I think about it. I think about it for my birthday. I always will have to do it on a birthday. I don't know why because again, I just feel like oh, that's when I'm allowed to do something for myself is on my birthday. I think we take risks on our birthday. But I also think, you know, it's really controversial to have my sleeves at 65. I get a lot of comments about it on my page. And a lot of people say like oh wow, I can't at least

I know how my tattoos are going to look when I'm 65 because mine are so vibrant and I say I didn't

“get them to 50. That's why they're still so vibrant. Right. But I think that's why maybe people and later”

in life start to get a lot more tattoos because they actually know who they are and they know what they want on their body forever. Yeah. When you're younger, like our daughter wants to get a tattoo when she turns 18, which is happening very soon. And I'm constantly like make good choices, make sure it's forever. Don't put a tramp stamp on your butt that says shut the fuck up. I advise against it. I mean, I didn't get my nose ring till I was 61. Right. And the funny

thing about that is nobody noticed it. No one noticed it. Everyone was like, yeah, you've always

And I think our guest today is also pretty fucking cool. And she would say that we're pretty fucking

“cool. So let's get into it. Our guest today has made a living making people laugh. The co-creator”

of Supergirl and the new normal with Ryan Murphy. She also has over 30 producing in writing credits that include dynasty, glee, American horror story, Chuck and family guy, not to shabby. She's also the author of the very funny book How to Fuck a Girl with one of the best cover reviews that says quote, Candid, funny and incredibly insightful. If I weren't John Stamos, I would really need this book. Brilliant. In her 50s, she continues to write and develop shows and movies has survived a rare

spinal cord injury, breast cancer, and is the best self-deprecating storyteller I have ever heard. Trust me. Please welcome the funny Candid, incredibly insightful and way cooler than John Stamos. Allie Atlas. Oh, that's funny. I love it. Oh, and the door will go. Thank you so much. Love you. Love you. We're so glad to have you. It was perfect. The only correction was it's how to fuck a woman. I don't want to know how to fuck a girl. That's not anything I want to know or need to know.

I'm only interested in fucking women. Okay. Good. Allie, thank you so much for like an occasional, I'm a occasional guy, but really maybe we should just start. We're going to let's just start with that, Allie.

Your sexuality is confused in your 50s? No, it's always kind of been the same. It's it's like,

I love women deeply, but you know, occasionally there's a really nice like a bleak that I obsess on. Interesting. And you obsess on. Yeah, you know that. But it's mostly theory. It's more theory than practice. Okay. Because it's usually not worth getting into the oblique. If you know what I mean, Allie, can you give us one word to describe your 50s? No. I mean, there's just too many.

“It's like that's what 50 is. It's like 50 reasons why. I don't know. I think it's knowing.”

You know, it's like knowing yourself, but there's so many fibers to know and you get started talking in one direction and then you realize you have to continue in another because it's it's not, it's not finite. Yeah. Do you remember feeling different when you hit 50? Like was there a sudden change? Yeah. I mean, I think that you kind of take stock of all the things in your life and you go through it like a grading system. Is this working for me? I'm right. Kids working is my partner working,

is my mentality working and there's a lot of kind of like come to whoever you're saved your is moment of self analysis and I think you do a lot of fixing in your 50s. Like you just go, "Well, fuck it. This is who I kind of say, fuck it." Yeah. You can curse up and down and try to say, "I said fuck it." Right. In your book title. Yeah, you just kind of get to know who you are and get

“cozier with yourself. I mean, I think that might be the words or cozier with yourself.”

All right. I like that. I know because you also said it's a challenging blur which I think is also very specific, even though it's two words. Right. To a challenging blur, unless you smash that's again, I did. I wrote you something kind of later in the evening and it sounded sort of pretty when I wrote it. I like it. I like it. By the way, I feel like it in perfectly perfect and what's the thing that we talk about with pretty that it takes on that takes on a whole different meaning.

I think later in life that nothing should be pretty or has to be pretty, we just have to

basically show up and say, "What's today?" So like a challenging blur to me feels actually quite

beautiful. I have a friend who said she can't go to sleep at night until everything's pretty. I agree. I'm all for leaving it very gorgeous. Like this is a time to curate. Yeah. You know, this is like, you know, as my children started, I have one older child who's turning 21 this month and I have a younger child who's 18 and a senior and in high school, I just feel like all I want to do is like go through everyone's shit and make it nice.

I'm all for cleaning out like a pasta cabinet. You know, that's a great night in my book.

Oh, I just, I just said, I love that you just said pasta drawer so specifically because just last night,

we have all these pasta bags that are closed up with like little, you know, bag time. Yes, we have all these empty glass jars in the cabinet and I said, "So are we just now giving up on organizing pasta in this house?" Or are we just going to go with the just the bags in a drawer? No, but 50 to me was about taking those glass jars and filling them with concessions, candy concessions for movie watching. So that's, that's giving up in ways.

I mean, I mostly just look at them as a vision of hope but not eat them because 50 is also about wanting to eat everything and eating nothing because of this girth, this sudden, like, something I was like baked into a biscuit. I don't know what happened. I was, I was, I was like the thinnest, the most annoying person my whole life and then I woke up 50 and I suddenly couldn't eat all the wonderful things that I had been eating so regularly. Oh my god, I said this same thing. I literally

gained 15 pounds overnight. I was like, oh, was I a tick? Was there, like, a mine now a human tick? That just blew up and I'm suddenly 50. Yeah, it's a freshman 50. Yeah, no, it is. That's where I'm calling it as of today. But that's, that's the magical menopause, right? We can, we can work on that. We can work through it. We just as long as you get the information on how to help yourself and take care of yourself. That's your go away. And did, did you figure it out? Did you figure out the

menobelly weight change? Oh, even that I have to have a word like menobelly in my life. I think

“what you need to do and I've figured this out is that you have to have people go out and make friends”

ten years older than yourself so that you have when you get there like a menopause sherpa so that you can understand, like, where to stick your poles, it is very difficult to navigate. I walked through a colonoscopy with a friend of mine the other day and it was, it was

incredible information that I don't want to share with you, but I will share with my private friends.

I've already had two and I love a colonoscopy chat, but also I went through menopause, you know, almost 15 years ago and there was zero chat about it to the point where I didn't know that I was going through menopause. So you're right, we do sharing is caring. Yeah, and you guys are doing a true service for people. Well, what we're trying to do, yeah, I think that, you know, we're trying to be more than menopause because I do think that the where people are not sharing stories

is what happens next, like what happens after that. So like everything you're talking about all of these changes, how would you say it has affected you the most, like with your friendships,

“with your kids, with your partners, you know, where do you find it affecting you the most?”

I mean, it's, it's, I think that I'm not driven by my carnal urges as much anymore, which is sort of a sad thing. I mean, it's a good thing too, because I, I'm not, I didn't always make like the most incredibly great decisions, but based on my carnal desires, but I think that you think differently is just a, you, sometimes you weigh,

should I, should I do a night of television or should I go out and the answer is never go out?

It's just never leave the house. I, I'm not. I have a girlfriend named Netflix. Yeah. Well, like can we talk about dating a little bit? How has dating changed from when you were younger until in your 50s? Oh my god, but I was younger. We just want to, I think that was a lot of I've been in our younger years. I mean, yes, and I always was one of those people that like fell in love

“too quickly, you know, and I think it's like I used to say that it takes me like two and a half”

bucks to fall in love. But, you know, sometimes I've taken a relationship that should have lasted, you know, two and a half bucks and turned it into a four-year relationship. So some of this is, is wisdom, you know, they talk about wisdom and in your later years, I think that sort of happens around the same time as you start producing wheyless estrogen. Yeah, because I start thinking with my brain instead of, you know, it's not just men that have carnal drive. But yeah, it's I think

cut things off in your 50s quicker. I've noticed, like even with friendships, I right away, I just think, oh, that's enough. We're going to just cut this one down. Yeah, I also think it's not just about carnal desire. It's the dopamine that comes with love, like that's such an addictive thing in your youth. And as you get to this age, you're like, I don't know what sounds better, like that dopamine for craziness. And, you know, having to ask questions about where your

brother lives and what he has your mom dead and like, oh, it just becomes this ornate thing when like truly what sounds good to me is just, you know, it's horrible what happens. It's like gardening.

I've never would have picked this or like, I have this new obsession with Sashiko, which is this

Japanese art of mending denim and like, who would have thought that that would take over this fresh blush of new love and excitement and finding out what their favorite fucking ice cream flavor is? Because it's we've talked about this. That's an active meditation. Believe it or not, you're actually doing something really good for yourself and your brain, but you are in the doing, you are meditating, because you, you can do it on your own. You don't have to talk to anyone. You just focus on

the stitching and, and that becomes your meditation. You stop thinking about all those other things.

“You know, you said gardening. And I mean, that's what I do. I mean, all I do is garden because”

it's the only time that I stop. And I don't talk to anyone. I don't look at anything. I just focus on what's in front of me. And I think it's, I think it's helpful. And it's what we have to do in this time because we do have all of those things going on in our minds and our hearts and our

bodies, right? We got to take a chill pill for a second, but we can't. Oh, for sure. I would say

gardening has gotten stressful and California, though. I, I, I, I had a tomato that probably cost me $6,000 in the water charges. So I just, I give up. Wow. Yeah. I do also think that as we get older, the, I mean, I haven't been in the dating game for 25 years. And I do not miss any of that. And

“I think as we get older, the concept of romantic love that's been baked into us just starts to”

matter less also to the point where we matter more. You know, we spend so much time in our youth looking for that person who's going to please us. And I think as we get older, you know, we please ourselves. And we like our own company, you know. Yeah, take you take yourself out on the date. I mean, that it sounds, I mean, I still, it's so horrible. I guess it's baked into me. But I still hope for that great love and, you know, have envy for my friends who've been able to

hold down, you know, this long term historical relationship, which I, you know, is still aspirational, but yeah, then I put it in praxis. And it's like, get the fuck, give me my remote. Yeah, I shouldn't over there. So now I have a question because I don't want to eat Thai food. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, all these Japanese, but I want to make that decision. I mean, like, I just, I, I have less tolerance for stupidity. And it just, I don't want to be an impatient lover, partner. But it is just like,

do it my way. Yeah, I'm, I'm with you. My mother used to say she's too old to change. And I totally fucking get it. So now speaking of change and all of these new things in our 50s,

you are now divorce and co-parenting. And again, I have never been married. Well, sorry,

on record. Okay, go on record. You are no longer in a relationship. You are now my baby's mom. You're a very long time and we happily co-parent. And, you know, it's been worked to get to

“happily sometimes. But it's, it's, we are gentle co-parents of our very fantastic children. And I think”

it is taken both of us and both of our styles to help nudge these people into this direction. They're, they're wonderful people. I have, I'm very blessed that I have two fantastic kids. But you said you parent in an antithetical way. And I want to know what that looks like and what that

frame of what, how I was raised, how I was nurtured, how I was. I mean, I just like, and like thinking back, you know, I, I was the kid who was kind of like waiting for my parent to come and pick me up after school, like my neck, my little neck creating down the street, like, where is my parent? And I will never be that parent. My kids make fun of me

that I'm like perennially 10 minutes early, that I'm the first face always that they see that, you know,

if mom isn't there first in the theater waiting for the, you know, other parents to arrive some, she's had a car accident. Like, I'm just, um, exactly opposite my parents and not that they

“didn't love me or do the best they can, but it just, when I think about reactions to certain”

situations, I, I definitely go, what would my parents not do? Because I do think that's the hardest thing when you are going to become a parent is all you have is the reference of how you were parented. And so you believe that that is what you are going to hand down, but I do believe that this generation and a few other generations, I won't only give it to Gen X, but I do think that we've made a big, big move in saying we are going to do things differently. We are not going to

parent the way we were parented for sure. Well, and I'll do respect to my dad who was born in Romania in 1940, which is not a great year to be born as a Jew in Romania. So, you know, I lost family and Auschwitz and, and like, he, I think was very haunted by his experiences in his youth. So, I give him credit for doing the best he could and he ended up becoming a doctor and, you know,

doing, doing welfare himself, but I think he wasn't always, there was always fear in him and it

came out as anger and that's some of that's just not his fault. I mean, I think that's the thing, as, you know, that I try to remember about my parents who did not do a great job, which is they

“did the best they could. And you, you know, you have to get to a place at some point where you just”

realize that and you realize that about yourself as well that you're just doing the best that you can. Ever wonder what Marie and Tuenet and Kim Kardashian might have in common? Or how a celebrity scandal from 2007 is basically just history repeating itself.

Or a test and clear and we host right answers mostly, a podcast where history and pop culture collide.

From ancient queens to reality TV stars, we break it all down with the rich juicy storytelling it deserves. It's giving girlhood, it's giving historically accurate, most of the time new episodes every Monday and Friday come for the facts, stay for the drama. This is right answers mostly where history is just gossip. You are a writer among many other things and I assume you've often been perhaps one of the only

female writers in the writers room. What kind of stories do you think we should be getting out there about women and why the fuck is it so hard? I will say that there's been a tremendous shift in the last, I don't know, 10 years probably. When I started my career, I was definitely like the white men powers that be would go like, "We got our women, okay, good, moving on, who else could we hire from Penn?"

And I think that's really shifted. I think how the representation on a staff looks is incredibly different now. It's very exciting. I hope that remains and that the people that are hiring also are female or are other voiced and it's different, but those stories that you're looking for. I mean, I think I've been the only female in a writer's room many, many times, too many times, and there may be one other lower-level female. It's challenging.

“You have to kind of be one of the guys who have to throw your dick on the table to everybody else.”

You have to do it or you're like a bomber or a buzz kill or yeah, you have to go with it and

because if you're the person who's like, "Come on, guys, let's just get back to the thing."

You're like the bad pill that they don't want in the room. I was that bad pill and I also sadly once told to the other female writer in the room who was crying about Hillary losing the election that she needed to sack up and be a man. So I'm not proud of that one. Oh, boy. A little internalized misogyny there in the writer's room.

Also, this isn't the worst it could be or like I've been in different situations. When, I mean, it's just, yeah, it definitely was like being a part of a fraternity. Yeah. Have you found at this age that it's easier to stand up for stories that you think need to be told about women in this age? I mean, I do think there's more representation of women and women driven stories.

“And I think that's because women are proving that they are commodities.”

I mean, I want to look at my girl Taylor Swift and she's just peripheral not my girl. I'm just trying to say that she's my English teacher, right? But she is a beautiful example of how someone took back her power and re-recorded everything and then did this billion dollar tour. I mean, and so when you could modify female, which I think she has and make it so successful,

people pay attention in industry, it's never been more of an industry.

So if it sells, it's allowed. And she's singing about a boyfriend's dick size, which I think is a fantastic song. And fantastic lyrics. I'm a big fan. A constant, and I have this question that we're obsessed with because we're not lesbians. Do you think women going through menopause together as a couple is a good thing or a bad thing?

Oh my god.

“Well, I think it puts a whole new meaning to lesbian bed, you know?”

I think that's probably a heterosexual thing too. A heterosexual bed, after you've been with a partner for a long time, you find it. Less interesting to, you know, be intimate with one another. Just, you have to find new ways and excuses to not see your partner as your sibling. I think it's more challenging in a female female relationship. Yeah, I think with anyone's sex drive decreasing, if there's not, you know, hormone therapy

or just, if you just are, I don't know. I think it absolutely is more challenging. I can't think that if someone said, you know, let's go to the movies versus let's, let's fuck. I don't know. It seems so good to see a movie. But what about the fact that, like, you know, as women, we're going through the same thing, like symptoms are different, understood with menopause. But at least you can have open conversations with it.

Easier? I mean, listen, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It was a date exactly my age. I mean, you don't want to have to, like, slip a bottle of lube in between the mattress.

“I think that's, I don't know. I think that menopause is a very challenging thing for”

any person to, together, is not great. You know. Okay. Okay. Allie, what are you, man? Unless you make that your priority. But I also think there's, like, you know, there's this

incredible industry for men who have a pill that gives them drive. You know, so if women

had a pill that made them too messant, I feel so much empathy for heterosexuals where there's a man that has a constant erection in a woman that's bearably drying before your very eyes. So I don't understand how the two can correlate. Like, he tells me how that works. When men are busy taking these pills for erections and women have to, like, just get fucked without the drive or there is a pill for women. It's called the pink pill. And a woman, a doctor, take it. A female

doctor made it because they're exactly what you're talking about. So there is one, they're women's old one. But does it provide drive or does it just provide lubrication? Now I'm saying disgusting things. It provides driving. It's moist. So it's okay, lubrication. Any of these words,

I was getting my HRT, which I just started, very postmenopause. I told my doctor to give me the lowest amount of testosterone necessary because if he gave me a libido, I would fly to New York and murder him. Do you have some advice for the next generation entering their 50s? Just God, just be okay with yourself. I mean, that's, and there's so much better than we are. I mean, my generation, our generation is such a bunch of self-loathing, body-conscious,

“hair-phobic. Like, we're just so, like, shame-based, I think. That's how I was raised.”

But this generation's fantastic. They don't give a fuck if they've got, like, tits and ads, which is hot, you know? And they don't care if they have hair. They're just like, they just go, here I am, accept me. I don't think I need to give the next generation any advice. I think I take from them a real love of their body and a real, I don't give a fuck attitude. I remember when I was much younger and working, I was available 24 a day and I was available

to work 24 hours a day. And people younger people now are in a writer's room. They're just like, hey, it's 530 guys. This is getting late. They just have different boundaries. I love it. They have different boundaries. I just thought I could have. Yeah, they actually have boundaries. Okay, we have one last question. It is a surprise question, so we don't know what it is. So get ready, here it goes. Okay.

We're going to be funny if we just had a random guy on the street, right? These questions. We did. Oh, it's been 10 minutes. Who writes these questions?

“The Chinese and I did. All right, this is what it says. What one thing you always say that you need to”

stop? What's one thing you always say that you need to stop? I mean, I should not say that

effort. I think it's unflattering. That's fucking dumb. But I think there's probably better modifiers. You know, I think if as a writer, I should come up with better words to say the same kind of fervent passionate. But yeah, another thing I'm never going to say again is lubrication, dry. I wouldn't even say that anymore. Jesus. I don't think life would be as fucking beautiful as it is without the word fuck and on that note, Ali Adler. Oh, no, you are so fucking happy.

Also, I can't, I just won't tell you. Fantastic good word. Especially the way it's used now, which is like, oh my god, you're so kind. I love it. The kids are everything. The kids are giving

“us all the good shit. Ali Adler, fine. All our terrible words. God bless them. You are the good”

shit. And we are so happy that you joined us today. We're so thrilled. I'm so thrilled. I got to meet

you in person this late in life because I'm just never letting you go. And because we talk about

you all the time behind your back about how much we fucking love you. Yeah, you're just like, I'm going to come sit on that couch with you guys. I love this. Please do, we have plans to sell you. Please, come and join us. And thank you so much. And we're going to see you soon. Thanks, Ali. Bye, Ali. Bye. She's so fucking funny. I mean, I really, this podcast is really reminding me how many incredible women are around us and in our circle. Well, thanks to you. You have

single-handedly booked our podcast with them all of your fabulous. But no, it's not that it's just also like, this is what we're attracting. This is what we are attracted to is women who are fucking free and able to speak their mind. And I love that they want to do it with us. And I've known Ali for so long and the fact that she's in my circle still and now in a more meaningful way at this stage in our lives. Yeah. It's incredible. I just love her. I just fucking love her.

I just love how open and honest she is about everything, including being lubricated and moist or not. And wanting to stay home rather than going to date. I just, I understand that so deeply. Wait, have I already said this on the podcast that moist was the first word after being in

menopause that I thought I would never actually want to hear? It's funny because I use it all the

time when I'm talking about my skin care. Of course. But I'd never do anything. Think about my vagina all that often to be honest with you. Whether it's moist or not or functioning or not. It's sort of like, I've detached it from my body, I think. I just don't think about it.

Like, if you are married, would you even ever? I am married. All right.

If you were in married, well, that was the thing that Ali had. That was a fruity and slip right there. That's the thing that the last time I saw Ali, she's like, you're just waiting for your husband to die to become a lesbian, right? And I said, maybe, Ali, just maybe. I got to keep her. I got to keep her in the group in the loop. Okay. Wait, I have a question to go back to the top of this. What is the tattoo that

“you would get? I think that's my problem. I'm not set on one. I always thought I was going to get the”

word be, the letter B. And people would say, what is that? And I'm like, it's just B.

Like, just B. That's so deep. Well, is this deep? And also, I don't want to explain my shit. So then the other tattoo I really was wanted to get was married, which is, oh, I love that. Yeah, you, that's a good one. And French. Yeah, except now my husband has it and I don't want us to now be twins. Oh. So I've got to come up with another one. Okay. Well, there you go. I haven't picked my next

“tattoo yet, but no, but it's okay because now you're collecting trucker hats. So we'll”

have that's a whole another episode of how many trucker hats do you own? I haven't counted,

but that is all the time that we have. We do, but we do want to leave with a quote. Yes, just because why not? And one that I chose for today is this, because it felt very suit him to this episode. If they don't give you a seat at the table, bring a folding chair. And that is from Shirley Chism, very effort pro for the writers from exactly my point. Well, that is all the time we have for today. If you want more TFTM, follow us on Instagram, a talk 50 to me, and subscribe to our

email list to get talk 50 to me updates and announcements. Do you have a question? DM us on IG or email us

“at talk 50 to me [email protected] and remember to like and subscribe wherever you find your favorite”

favorite podcasts and tell a friend. So they'll tell two friends and they'll tell two friends and so on and so on and so on. See you next Tuesday. Bye now! Talk 50 to me with Heidi Clements and Constant Simmer is produced by Alex Beatty, recording engineer, a layout walker, editing by Zelene Hessey, music by Matt Friedman, production services provided by A4S podcast studios, a talk 50 to me LLC production distributed by the forward network.

Hi, I'm Tampson Fidel, journalist and author of How to Metapause and host of the Tampson Show, a weekly podcast with your roadmap to midlife and beyond. We covered all, from dating to divorce, aging to ADHD, sleep to sex, brain health, the body fat, and even how parametopause can affect your relationships and trust me it can. Each week I said down with doctors, experts and leaders and longevity for unfiltered conversations packed with advice on everything from hormones to happiness.

And of course, how to stay sane during what can be, well, let's face it, a pretty chaotic chapter of life. Think of us as your midlife survival guide. New episodes released every Wednesday. Listen now on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.