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Allen, welcome to the program. - Hello, Dr. Laura. - Hello, Allen. - My question is, let's see. My question is, am I asking for too much?
- And then how much longer?
- Probably wanna hear. - Probably. That screws up most people. - Okay. - Go ahead, tell me in the situation. 45, dating a woman for a year is 55.
- All right, what's your marital,
“your marital history, her marital history, children, et cetera?”
- Yeah, my marital history's bad. I'm all for two on marriages. I've got two adult children in their up and out of the house. 22, she's over one. She's got one adult child, son, 24.
He's still around, doesn't really live in her house, but visits frequently, let's say. - Are your two kids functional? - Absolutely. - They have jobs, marriage, or families, et cetera.
- They don't have families yet. They've got jobs, my daughters in veterinary school and my son has carved a niche as a e-sports online influencer. He's made his own little feast on,
and he's doing great. And how about your girlfriend? - She's doing well, she's got great family connections,
“she's working, she's a elementary school teacher.”
- Are you talking about your girlfriend or are you talking about her kid? - My girlfriend. - Oh, you wanted to-- - I was in. - Yeah.
- Okay, your kid, 24-year-old son, just got out of six and a half years in the Marines and is going back to school, using the GI Bill to finish off school. - And what, as it come up,
that you know what his future plans are? - He's studying history in school and he's inclined to become an attorney. - Ah, okay, good. Was he in combat?
- No, I don't think he ever saw combat. He's deployed the various places, but didn't see combat. - Got, so how can I help you today? - Since the beginning, since meeting her,
I made it clear that what I was looking for in the most broadest terms was a deep emotional connection with somebody to spend the rest of my life with. I was missing that in both of my marriages. - What kind of connection did you have
in your prior marriages? - I mean, I would assume you felt a deep emotional attraction each time you fell in love and proposed. - Yeah, I proposed for bad reasons in both cases. - What's a bad reason?
- Feeling like I should because I had dated so long, not to disappoint other people.
That was the first one, mostly.
“- Are you dating so long because you're really liked her?”
- I mean, why dates so long? - Because she moved in. I made the mistake of shacking up with her. - Who shacked up, okay, and second one? - Yeah, second one.
There's kind of a swirl of reasons. The simplest is that I'm self-loids. I'm self-employed. Had my own business was very unstable at the time. I've just gone broke, not bankrupt.
Everybody got paid, but so the outside it looked pretty good, but inside, I was less close and too very used cars. - Okay. - And she was willing to take that on. She saw the ambition, and she was willing to take it on,
and she had a good income. She felt like she could fill in the gaps if things got rough, and she could. - And it was shortly after that, shortly after we got married, I found out that really what she wanted was a rumy,
or she was treating me like a rumy.
I was in it, and we were looking for kids,
and I decided to stick it out.
“And we ended up having the two kids who were doing quite well.”
And at that point, I decided I'm gonna stick this out until the kids are up and on their own. I'm not gonna, I didn't wanna risk her enough my kids for my own wishes, let's say. And I could, it turns out I could keep myself busy enough
and occupy running this engineering company that I ended up running for 33 years. - So you guys had no sex? - Towards the end, there was no sex. - I didn't tell the end, there was a lot of good sex,
middle off, okay. - Yeah, and the middle on, maybe two,
from one third of the way on, there was no sex.
It stopped pretty soon. - Yeah, and the most... - And when did you start holding your own financially? - In that marriage, you could probably say
“three or four years in, we were on solid ground.”
- Good, okay, then what happened? Who asked for the divorce and why? - My kids hit 21, actually, at the time, there were 20. I got a good offer to sell my business and I did. And I basically, you might call it retired.
I'm not really retired, I'm sent my retired. I still work, but the sold the engineering business, hung around for a couple of years for management transition, and then left there. And I was at home, and I had this and I had in mind
for a long time coming, that when I retired, I was gonna see if I could rekindle, re ignite, re whatever, with my wife, and make an emotional connection
for what I call the third act.
My third act after retiring. - Right. - And it turns out, I couldn't, and it's a to be a little, maybe, hard about it. It turns out, she's incapable of it. I don't-- - What is that mean?
- After two and a half years of therapy, everybody agreed that she couldn't form an emotional bond in the way that I was looking for, in the emotional connection and the way that I was looking for. Everything was on the surface with her.
If you tried to dig down a little bit, she became defensive, evasive. Wouldn't want to talk about what's really going on inside her. The things she would talk about would be like current events, her recent activities,
with whatever groups she was in, what's going on? - I got it. - So tell me about this girlfriend. - This girlfriend, she's a massage financial footing as a elementary school teacher. She's been single for 13 years.
I had a number of boyfriends and she says she was out of the dating pool until she ran across me online and decided to give it one more shot thinking that if this doesn't work, she's out forever. And it took off great. And actually at the moment, it's still not bad.
I would say, but there's some things changing. I feel like I'm at a turning point after a year. She's, I would say she saw it emotionally. Although she had a really lousy childhood. - I don't care about anybody's childhood
unless they're really disrupting their lives. People who have all kinds of childhood, that doesn't mean that they're not behaving in a healthy way today.
“So I just want to know what change did you see after a year?”
What did your concern that has you calling me? - Okay, so deep emotional connections, what I'm looking for in the third act. Try it with my ex. - I heard all of that.
Tell me what the problem is today with a new girlfriend.
I heard the rest. - When I asked for, when I asked for physical affection, verbal appreciation, and just a little bit of sex. I'm 65 after all, right? She says I'm asking for too much.
- Okay, Alan, stop talking. - Just to hell. - Just, you ran businesses that require some IQ. And I know that emotions have no IQ, but sometimes we can get those concepts
to slop over into each other. Okay? If the woman is not affectionate, verbally or physically,
There's no conversation to have that changes that.
I know you hate this, but there's a yes but it's.
“- No, there's ever a yes but, there's a yes that's true.”
However, I'd like to ignore that because there are great qualities. But there's really no such thing as a yes but. Yes that is true. That you cannot teach somebody or demand. If there's a yes that's true.
However, I'd like to ignore that because there are great qualities.
But there's really no such thing as a yes but.
Yes that is true. Somebody or demand somebody to be physically and verbally and emotionally affectionate. They are, they ain't. That's it.
Period. - Yeah.
“- Now, drop the word but, and tell me, well,”
so you'd like to not need that.
That's a stupid call and I wouldn't want to continue that. - Yeah, that's what I'm looking for. I didn't know that. - That's a stupid call. - That's a stupid call.
- That's a stupid call. - No, no. If you're going to say, I want to make myself into an inert person. That's just ridiculous.
“I wouldn't want to be with anybody who wasn't physically”
and emotionally and verbally affectionate either. The hell? That's kind of a normal foundation in a relationship. Is that kind of caring and connection? And if somebody is unwilling or unable to do that,
you're gone, you're history. Goodbye. - I don't know how long you think you're going to last, but at 65, you better have clarity on what you want and not waste a year again.
- Yeah, exactly. Thanks for that. I think I got what I need. - Okay, good. Okay, good.
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