Stop Overexplaining

I'm saying, you can say that you're a hero.

“You're a master of the club, right? But you don't understand.”

Exactly. It's just a challenge. You're just a master of the club. You're just a master of the club. And if you then work, you'll be able to do it. - That's right? - Safe. You're just a master. - You're just a master of the club. - Now you're a master of the club. A confident business professional, an executive, a CEO, a manager, a president of a corporation.

And they get on the stand. And they look like they are dripped in a million dollars.

And as soon as they get into questioning, not question 10, they just unravel. They can't stand being questioned. They can't take the pressure. If you're somebody who's ever been on the stand before, has been in a position where you felt like you were even being cross-examined. And nothing related to a deposition or anything legal coming up.

“You need to be pressure-proof. What I'm going to teach you today are some secrets”

that I used to prepare every single one of my witnesses before they go on the stand. These are things that you have to know whether or not you're in the legal world or just in the everyday world from the boardroom to the living room is what you need to know. How to handle pressure when it matters. Ready? Let's go. - Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast.

We're all going to mission to make your next conversation. The one that changes everything. If you enjoy learning tips to improve your communication, I'm going to ask that wherever you are listening. You find the button that says subscribe and click it. And my promise to you and exchange is that if you listen to these episodes, I will make you a better communicator. When your communication is good, life is much better. I am also pleased to announce that the

next conversation, workbook is officially out for pre-sell. You can finally link down in the show notes. There is something I'm very excited about. Practical exercises for arguing less and talking more. This podcast is sponsored by you know it cozy earth. One thing I love about cozy earth, especially in this month of love and February, is that it really matters when you go to bed in. There's some people who like me. You may not wear that much. Some people like to wear pajamaset. I gave

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use the Kojo Jefferson to get up to 20% off. And now let's keep going. One time I was defending what my client was the president of a corporation. And they were probably in four different states. And I go up to his office. It's right by the water. He's points out to me as soon as I get into his office. Like that's one of his yachts that's there in the marina. Just all the things that he could do to show it like, "Hey, I know what I'm doing. I'm Mr. Bix stuff. Everything he's wearing is like

fancy contour just dripping labels." All right. And I was like, "Okay, I get it. I can see this kind of personality in my mind." And I know what I'm walking into. Sit down with him. And I'll pull up my briefcase. And I'm starting going through files and papers. And he kind of was sitting around

like, "Ah, this is nothing they got this." He's never taken a dip position before, by the way.

And so here he is thinking that he's going to just get it. No problem. As I go through the documents, I always do this thing where I put on the personality of the other attorney so that we can kind of roleplay it. In other words, so give him a taste of what it is. So I'm kind and I'm nice. And then I go into this mode of Mr. Williams and it true that you look at that file that day. Yes. And as soon as he starts a him and a hall and kind of trying and weasel around it, I'll say, "Mr. Williams, my question

is this." And I get really short and I get, like, I get bluster and I start to raise my voice and I start to get really down on him. I mean, it didn't take him any time at all before he was just, and he couldn't even get his words out. We weren't even in the deposition. This is a day one

“of prep and you should like that three days. It doesn't matter how much of an ego you think somebody”

has when the pressure is on. If you're not ready, everybody will melt. Everybody turns to putty. Because you're not used to that pressure when the lights are on and you have the pulse in you and you feel that adrenaline. Two things are going to happen. One, you're either going to maintain and soar in it and persevere through it and come out on top or it's just going to crumble you.

a figure skater. They were doing the couples where it's a main and woman and they do the routine. And I forgot what team it was. It doesn't matter. But they were supposed to do a turn at the same time.

And you know that they've done these routines a million times, a million times.

And when it was time to come, the guy did the triple axel or wherever and the woman didn't. And it was just because she just her brain just didn't compute the pressure. Olympic pressure is totally different. Now I'm not saying at all. I'm trying to compare what I'm trying to teach to Olympic size pressure of the entire globe watching you. That's not at all what I'm saying. My point is you don't know what it's like until you know what it's like. And when you're in the hot seat

no matter what if it's litigation or you just feel like you're in a workplace where somebody is

“always pushing on you. You have to be ready for that pressure. And I'm going to teach you these three”

steps that I go through with every single one of my clients. That's going to make sure that you are pressure proof. You're ready. Number one, your first word is your breath. You've heard me talk about this

many times and I won't always talk about it because it is always worth repeating even for myself.

And I talk about it a lot. Before you respond to the question that somebody gives you, take a breath. All right. Now just any kind of breath I call it a conversational breath. This is based on a physiological side. And it is two seconds in through your nose. One more to top. Then out through your nose about three to four seconds. All right. Just in that moment, you've already re-centered yourself. Probably if you did it with me, you're sensing that your shoulders are starting to drop a little bit

and your fingers may be have unclenched in your hand or your fist. And you can sense that you're more sharper in your thoughts than you were before you ever started thinking about your breathing. It works for a reason in the physiology of that I'm not going to delve into on this podcast.

“But what you need to know is so many times there are people who as soon as they are under pressure,”

they want to talk fast. Fast, fast as fast as they can. Once I'm going to ask them a question, when the worst thing they can do is to try and answer immediately and give all the information it wants. That is a recipe for disaster. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about notion. I've been using notion probably for about three to four years and they have come out with this tool that changes everything really. It's called the custom agents tool. And what it is

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That's all lowercase letters, Notion.com/Jeferson. And now let's keep going. If you allow them to ask their question and then you just pause and you give it five seconds. The thing, to actually think about what you're going to say, I promise you, it's going to be a million times better. It sounds so simple and you might be thinking, "Jeferson, I get it. Yeah, I need to breathe." But do you. All right. We, I talk about all the time. I originally, when I very

first started teaching clients, preparing them, I would tell them, count one Mississippi here in the United States. In other words, if somebody was going to ask you a question, thinking your head, one Mississippi, and then answer. It was at least a very early attempt of what I have now come to a first word as your breath. Meaning where your first word would be, put a breath in its place. Because I have seen countless times these high-dollar executives go right into their first immediate

answer without even given it a breath without thinking about it. And then what happens is after they've

Well, let me, let me answer that differently. Let me, let me, and the damage has already been done.

“Because they thought that quickness and speed and just bluster was going to carry the day,”

rather than intentionally choosing their words in a calm, confident, controlled manner. I do not want you to say things that you did not think about. You didn't think out. And if somebody was to answer you differently, because you just calm the conversation, better things are going to happen. What I tell everyone in my clients, probably more than anything, is you control the pace. Nobody can ask you questions faster than you can answer them.

You have control over that. So first word is your breath. You with me? Number two, only answer the

question that is asked. Only answer the question that is asked. You might think, yeah, Jefferson, okay, breath. Got it. Just answer the question. Got it. But do you. I cannot tell you how many times I have prepared a witness for three days. And it doesn't matter if it is the sweetest grandmother to the highest dollar executive, they all suffer from the same thing. And that's getting in their head. Am I not saying enough? They think that if I say more, I am believed more.

And that is not the case. It's the exact opposite where you say so much that it almost sounds like

you don't really know what you're talking about. If you suffer from overexplaning, then you know what I'm

talking about. It's where you just have this flood of words, it just come right out of you. And then you have this kind of, what's the railroad for it? Like a hangover, like a communications sentence hangover where you go, what did I just say? Oh my gosh, why did I say that? Why did I share that much? Why did I do? And you then sort of beat yourself up. And then you're not focused on the conversation because you were just so focused on giving way more than is needed. Here's a

quick test. If I were to ask you right now, do you know what time it is? What's your gut answer? Let's say I was in a deposition and I need a cross-examine you. Do you know what time it is? If you gave me the time, it said, oh Jefferson, it's exactly 1237 pm central standard time. I would say that's wrong. I asked, do you know what time it is? Do you know? It's a yes or no question. So you could say, yeah, I know what time it is. See the difference? Now if I ask you what time is it? Could you give

“me the time? Yes. What time is it? That's when you would say, oh it's 1237 or whatever, that's how”

much you have to be thinking of am I answering exactly the question that is asked because if you don't, it's going to go everywhere. Some of my favorite memories when I am defending a witness. And especially if it's a sweet woman and they get a question and all of a sudden she may start to go off on a tangent. They say, you know, I don't know, a miss Washington did you go to the store that day and she said, well, you know what, I don't really even know because that day my sister called

me and I was even and I'm going to fool for oh boy, here we go. Or we're going way off on a tangent. They didn't even listen to the question. So that happens too with people you think are more confident. The men and women who think they have it all together. This applies equally to both the genders, especially in the business setting, they hear questions as statements as insecurity. Meaning if I were to ask you and you didn't look at the file that day, did you?

They think in their head, I have messed up. I am deficient. I have it is an attack on my sense of worth in some way. Instead of answering the question, they go, well, I mean, would you be able to do it if you were in all of a sudden they get really defensive? You might be able to recognize this in every day when you want to snap and go, well, you tell me what it's like, working two jobs, having to do the dishes, having to end you start kind of,

“you know what, you should walk on my shoes, that kind of thing.”

So you need to get there that means you've now taken my questions as a sense of a threat to your identity and right there you're kind of crumple under pressure. You're going to forget the whole purpose of being there or why you are even in the hot seat and more, more broadly, how to get out of it.

the better things are going to be. Not only am I wanting you to take a breath, not only

am I wanting you to only answer the question that is asked. Number three, short, short. I just

“talked about this and I'm going to go that the problem of over explaining. If you want to get out of”

the hot seat, don't give them more to ask. I want to take a quick moment to tell you about butcher box. If you want to feel better, think clear and have more energy start with what you're putting in your body. And one thing I have been trying to do, what all the research says, that you need to have roughly as much protein intake as you weigh. And that's hard to do, you know, hopefully there's some people out there who can certainly relate. Well, one of the things that makes it a lot

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and free shipping as always. That's butcherbox.com/jefferson. Don't forget to use our link so that they know that we see you. This is what I typically say. The longer your answer, the more questions you're going to get. It's like you're giving them a menu of things to pick and choose from. Same thing when you think about that person in your life at work or at home, the longer of an explanation that you give, the more you've just like exposed yourself

within the shoot arrows at it. All right, so only answer the question. Be a short and direct as you can be, most importantly, think about the end. If you feel that you're getting caught up in the moment, you need to focus on what's it look like at the end of the conversation, picture yourself, shaking their hand, saying goodbye, or maybe not shaking their hand and leaving. In other words,

“you need to remember, this is a temporary state. Life is going to continue. There are other things”

happening. There are people out in the world and you're about to be one of them or they're not on the hot seat. When you realize that the purpose of where you're at right now is has a time and place and is not a constant. The better it is and the easier it is for you to get in your head of knowing that you have to be able to stand that pressure, that it is temporary. Same thing with any kind of pain, that it's working out exercising. It's the same thing of talking under pressure. There are

lots of people that you can think of if you think on a global scale that deal with a lot of pressure,

and it just becomes second nature to them. It's the same thing for you. When you feel that you are

in a tight spot, communicating with somebody, keep it short and sweet. That means when you text somebody, keep it to one sentence. That means when you email, if you can't keep it to three sentences, usually what I say, if you can't explain it in three sentences, you need to rework it because if it takes longer, your message is going to simply get lost. A lot of the time what I will tell clients is don't do their work for them. Meaning don't try and answer the question that you think they want

to ask or you think they're going to ask or where you can kind of see where they're going so you kind of step on their question and start talking. No, no, that's not what you want. Make them do their work. If they have a question, they will ask. I say this often instead of waterfall be a well. In other words, let them draw the information, the information that they need. Don't try and curate say, oh, this is where you're going. Well, let me give you all the information that I

possibly can have. Don't throw the book at somebody. Let them ask specifically where you've had highlighted. That way, you can feel yourself way more grounded and rather than feeling like, I have to give you all the information like this is some kind of test or some kind of quiz. It's not that. When times of pressure, it is very surgical of allowing them to ask questions. You're going

make sure that at the end of it, you are pressure proof. You are the type of person that they're

going to end the conversation going, okay, this is somebody who knows what they're doing. This is somebody who's in control. This is somebody who's who's confident. And that's where you want to be. If you've ever had any questions about times that you've been under tension or pressure and you

not sure how to handle it and I haven't covered here, I want you to put it down wherever you're

listening and you have a place to leave comments. Whether that's my email newsletter, which you can reply to or down on YouTube or wherever you're listening, that way I have a good gauge of saying, okay, I've addressed some of these points and if this is a big concern, let me address that there because pressure is a topic that surrounds any category, right? And when I'm trying to do here, is make sure that when you go into that high-pressure situation, that high-pressured conversation,

that you feel like you have the confidence and the grip on it, that's a good word, the grip on a conversation where you feel like, no, I have a good hold of this. I'm not trying to prove something. I'm not trying to make it sound like I know more than I do. I'm not trying to be somebody. I'm not trying to show my insecurity by overexplaning and getting blustered. You're just in the pocket,

“is the best way that I can explain it. You've might have heard me use this phrase. I love”

the idea of just being in the pocket, meaning you're not trying to be too fast and you're not trying to be too slow. You're not rushing. You're not lagging behind. It's like a music metaphor. I drum, maybe others are listening. You drum. You're listening to a band. Everybody is just in the in sync in the same groove. Somebody's not rushing or slowing everybody down. You're just

“exactly where you need to be. So, to sum it up, number one, your first word is your breath.”

Don't you just slow things down too. Only answer the question that is asked. Don't try and invent different things. Don't try and assume to know where they're going. Only answer the question that is asked. And three, think of the end. Short sentences to the point. Direct, think of the end. Meaning, if you want to end the conversation with a smile on your face, think about that smile.

“If you want to end the conversation, feel like how confident I am, then you need to think of”

that confidence. Wherever you are, let the end of it be your beginning. And that's how to be

pressure proof. As always, you can try that and follow me.