Weak Boundaries Sound Like This

"Porn, ne, garney, like a star, it's my taste base."

"You're my... it's all right, right?" "Yeah, exactly."

“"Like a star, it's like a star, who just understands it.”

A garland of the studio, a job or a home. "Castard." "Cras, I don't feel like a star." "Stay and let it go." "Safe." "With like a star." "Break our own boundaries, disrespect our own boundaries."

"And that is simply by over-explaining them." If you are listening to this episode and you happen to be an over-explainer, you know exactly how defeating it is to feel like I have this boundary that I want to set. But gosh, it's just not setting the right way.

What am I doing wrong? Well, I am going to tell you exactly why over-explaining

is slowly washing away every hard line that you make in the sand. All right. And at the end of this episode, I'm going to give you some takeaway points and statements that you can use to make sure that that doesn't happen again because your boundaries are statements.

They're not things that are up for discussion, big difference. All that more coming up. Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast. We're on an mission to make the next conversation, the one that changes everything. I have a short announcement and that is something exciting for me that is the next conversation

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nights, risk free trial and I think if 10 year warranty you really can't go wrong, check them out. And now back to the episode, more than you could ever know over explaining is weakening the very platform that you're wanting to walk on. It is it is turning you the ground before you into sinking sand because you don't know how to set it into concrete.

You're walking in it before it sets. How does that cause problems for boundaries? Here is the simple breakdown that I see every single time. When I'm talking to people that I meet who are asking me information or I'm doing some kind of live Q&A or a message or something in my inbox, this is what I see most of the

time. They say, "Hey, look, I set this boundary and all of a sudden I feel like they are pushing on me and I give in every single time." What I ask is, "Well, how many words do you use to set your boundary?" They say, "What?

How many words do you use? How many sentences did you use to set your boundary?" And right then in there they kind of go back and start thinking and it's like, "That's it.

“If you have to go back and I wonder, okay, how long did I talk, how long did I set that?”

There's your sign, right there is that it took too many words. Here is the classic example. How do I ask you to do something? By the way, here on this episode, the boundary we're going to really be talking on is when you need to say no to things, you're needing to decline things, not just invitations,

but just somebody's asking something from you and you need to say no. So, classic example here is somebody asks you, "Hey, can you help on this project?" You start to say, "No, I really can't, I'm just so, because I'm so, and you start

now."

“What the other person hears is, "Not, no, they hear, I would say yes, but because of all these”

obstacles, I can't, you know, I can't do it."

And they think, "Oh, okay, then if I just remove these obstacles, they'll say yes." So they'll start, they start thinking of ways to get to a yes. Over-explaining your boundaries turns what is a statement, a boundary into a negotiation. And all of a sudden, they start seeing it as problem-solving. Over-explaining turns boundaries into a problem-solving mission for the other person.

Now they're thinking, "Okay, what can I do?" So if you say, "No, I really can't, I can't do that, I'm just so busy." They go, "Oh, it's okay, it's only going to take five minutes." They go, "Okay, how can I get to a yes?" I'm sorry, I'm just really overwhelmed at the moment, "Oh, that's okay, I'll do this

for you. That's okay.

You removed this to a different day.

You want to push the deadline?"

“To get to a yes, they see it as a problem-solving mission.”

They see it as a problem-to-solve, and that's not what you want. Sugaries are not negotiations. In the more words you add, after no, the more it looks like it's soft ground. That it's up for negotiation, it's up for debate. Here's some ways that this causes problems in your life.

Number one, when you over-explain, you create the illusion that not only is it a problem-your-ask them to solve, it's ground that they think that they can barter in negotiation, all of a sudden. Because it's a not a strong no, they feel like it's a soft yes. And they will start to try and wiggle around it.

Here's an example. At a lady once who said, "Look, Jefferson, every year, I host Thanksgiving at my house." And I don't want to do it this year. You know, I'm retired, the kids are grown, they have kids of their own, a lot of times we stay here because they really don't want to pay for a hotel but they could and I have

to clean and fix everything and I have to make every breakfast and cater around it. She said, "I really, I just really don't want to do it." I said, "All right, have you communicated to that to them already?" She said, "Yeah. Yes, I have."

I said, "Okay, did you? How did you communicate that to them?" She said, "In a text." I said, "Okay, well, read the text to me." And you know what the text said? The text was, "I would really love to, but I just feel like I am a little tired right now

and I feel like it's going to be a little too hectic and wouldn't you all rather, probably stay somewhere else because I don't feel like the house is as clean as it could be. That was what she thought, the boundary was."

“And you know what the text back from her adult children were?”

That's okay. It doesn't have to be fancy. That's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect and picked up. That's okay.

We just really want to be able to relax and be casual and you know good and well that sounds great, but when they're in the house in its hectic and kids are running everywhere and you don't feel like this is a good place for you in your life anymore. You're at a different stage where you go, "Oh, I'm tired." This is not y'all invite me to something, don't make me host everything.

I said, "How does that set a hard, how does that seem it?" You're giving them sand. They're giving them things to play with in the conversation. She said, "Well, yeah, I guess you're, I guess you're right." So we broke it down and to ways I'm going to explain at the end of the episode, but this

is how this is how it happens where you think you said no, but really what you did was just open it for an negotiation and what her two and all kids were now trying to problem solve. Okay. We'll take care of breakfast or we'll buy the groceries, meaning you'll take care of

us. You hear what I mean? So whenever you feel like you are asserting a boundary, I want you to look at how much you might over explaining in that number two, over explaining kills the boundary because it gives them more things to push against, gives them more cards to deal with.

So whenever you feel like, "I made some I just pushing on me."

You're okay with the first, no, or the second, no, but if they keep pushing you again,

you kind of go, "Oh, okay, I guess, yeah, the more explanation you give, the more justification you give, the more you're going to get it back threefold.

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Notion.com/Jefferson. And now, let's keep going. Number three, I'm going to give you some solutions to that. All right. I know you've been hanging on, Jefferson, how do we solve it?

What do we do about it? I'm going to tell you. I like to teach if you can't say no in one breath is not sharp enough.

“Meaning if you have to take a breath and explain everything, there's a problem with that.”

And you might go, OK, Jefferson, challenge it because I can take a big breath and just get it all out, that's not what I'm talking about, all right. If you are at a place where you say no because that's the problem, eliminate the because. If you want to set a hard boundary with that person in your life, you have to eliminate the because, the justification.

You have to. As soon as you start giving context, that they didn't ask for. They didn't ask for it, you're just giving it to them because it makes you feel uncomfortable. The simple no makes you feel uncomfortable. So you're giving them more information and while you think that's helpful, what you're

actually doing is setting them on a problem solving mission. When you say no, I can't because I'm so busy, they go, oh, that's OK, it's only going to take five minutes. Oh, you know what, I really can't have everybody over, oh, that's OK, well, we'll make it easy.

It doesn't have to be fancy. You see how every time you're making them flip it over on you. And so you give up because they've seemingly solved the problem that you've set out. They hear, remember, they hear if I solve these problems, I'll get to yes. That's really what it comes down to.

You say no because everything else is saying, this is my obstacle. So what your communicating is, it would be a yes. If you can remove these obstacles for me and they go, oh, OK, well, let me see if I can remove all these obstacles.

“And that's why they start shooting all these, well, you could come here or if we do this,”

you know, we can do our own thing and they try to find ways to get to a yes. So the because, the justification, the context is hurting you. So what can you say instead, is little as possible. I'm not saying that you just say no period because that doesn't fix everything. Yes, I agree and I want to say it no is a complete sentence to me that no period depending

on the person really should come on like around three if they keep pushing against you. Meaning if you were to ask me to invite me to something and I needed to say no or maybe you needed my help with something and I just didn't, it was, it was a no for me. It's not something I want to do. I'm going to say it's not in the cards for me or I don't have the ban with, or the

capacity, I like using those two words, ban with or capacity. I don't have the capacity for that right now and if they push again, it's a can't period. They try again, it's no period. Otherwise I'm just not going to respond, I'm going to ignore the text, the email and they're going to have to approach me in person where I'm going to say, yeah, it's, it's a no.

That's not something I'm going to do or I've been this plenty of times.

I slow down my words and I'll say the answer is no.

I hear all the explanation, I hear, I hear you, I understand my answer is no.

And if you're hearing that, you go, oh, Jefferson, that feels so uncomfortable.

“Then it's probably the right thing you need to say, if that feels uncomfortable to you,”

then it's probably right because that's standing your ground, that firm footing, that's going to be uncomfortable to you because you haven't been doing it. You haven't been doing it. The more words you give and your explanation, the more you're giving them to work with. And so we got to stop.

If it's as simple as no, I can't. Of course, if it's an invitation you're grateful for, yes, tell them, thank you so much. When you give that because I love to Jefferson, but you know, I've just been so busy and you know, I got the, I have these plants that I have to water and I have a cat that I have to feed, you know, and I just got lots of things.

The more it sounds like you're making stuff up in the softer that boundary sounds.

Another thing that I want to give you often when I say, I promise myself. You know, I know, thank you, I, I promise myself that I would be home by 5pm every day this week. I promise myself that I'd be focused on on family this, this week.

“I promise myself that I'd be taking care of my health, taking care of my sleep.”

No, I'm not going to go out tonight. I appreciate that. I promise myself I'm going to be doing X, Y, and Z. No, I prefer to drink water. Thank you.

You hear how, when every, every time, if I give more explanation, the softer it feels in the more that that friend or that person and your life can kind of try and wiggle through the cracks. They're looking for where the cracks are and your wall for that boundary and when you give more words and when you over explain, it sounds like it's up for discussion rather than

a firm statement of, this is what I'm going to do. So keep it simple. If you're trying to text somebody right now, if you cannot say it in one sentence, it's wrong. There's no, because there's no, well, I have to do X, Y.

“Z did they ask, answer this question from me right now, did they ask you for this information?”

Maybe they did after you're no, maybe you said no. And then they said, why? You don't give them the explanation then, all right? All you do is repeat your boundary, repeat the boundary. Before we keep going, I want to take a moment to tell you about Wayfair.

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That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R-dot-com Wayfair. Every style, every home, and now let's keep going. I love the phrase, "not in the cards." It's not in the cards for me this weekend. Not in the cards for us this weekend.

Anytime I use that phrase or I promise myself, people don't like to try and push against promises that you make for yourself. But if I, if I try and say, "Ah, you know what, I've just been so stressed than the other person here's, "Oh, well, let me try and relieve that stress by making it as easy as possible really for themselves at the end of the day, not for you."

So the more you try and explain a boundary, the less it sounds like a boundary, the more it sounds like a negotiation, and that's not when you're going to walk away, feeling empty and frustrated because you used too many words. All right? So let's break it down.

Over-explaning kills your boundaries. When you say, "No, because I have all of these things, what the other person here is, it would be a yes, but I have these obstacles." And they go, "Okay, let me try and solve the problem. You want to do this.

You want to do that." And you give in because they seemed to solve the problem. And then you feel too embarrassed to say, "No, then it makes it sound like you're a liar.

to go."

And you can't do that, and it didn't feel right.

So then you're like, "Oh, okay, I guess they solved my problem." So I guess I'll say, "Yes."

“When you should have just said, "That's not something I really want to do."”

Cool. Frazes the use, "No, in one breath.

No, that's not the cards for me.

No, I can't make it." When I spoke to the sweetest lady about her not wanting to host, I said, "This is what I want you to text in the group thread." Ready?

“One statement, "I'm not able to host this year, but here it is."”

And she was like, "Oh, I mean, they're going to ask." I said, "Yeah, they're going to ask. Let them ask first. Don't just start giving all this information, just wait." And you know what her son replied, "God, it, thanks, Mom."

Well, they were going to go and have a, they got the hotel, like, that was two minutes. Oh, I. All right. I have a, a great Thanksgiving, she sent me a thank you email after it. So anytime you feel like, I, the, but they're going to wonder and, and wonder and let

them. All right, let them ask because they, they have the agency to do that. Don't, don't feel their feelings for them, right? Simple, short statements. If you can't say it once in it, if you can't say it one breath, that I am going to

implore you to rethink how you're setting your boundary.

“Are you really setting the boundary or are you just opening the floor for negotiation?”

That's going to be a losing game at the end of it.

As always, you can try that and follow me.

Flexible. Now, let's move on to Stepstone. Stepstone.de/alljobs. Stepstone. einfach die richtigen talentefinden für alle Jobs.