1316: If His Ex Was a Rebound, Why's She Still Around? | Feedback Friday

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Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger.

As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer, my bro and my co-creator, crouching beneath the

“coconut trees, Gabriel Masrahi. The Hs indeed silent in that word, is that Bahia?”

Bahia. It's like half silent. It makes the A longer, kind of? It's not Bahia, but right. Maybe it's Bahia, yeah. I have to ask, because I am the canapsk guy, my son, confidence, and, well, my reading ability, my liquid has been shattered over the past year. On the Jordan Harbinger show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating

people, and turned their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. During the week, we have long-form conversations with the variety of amazing folks, neuroscientists, work correspondence, rocket scientist astronauts. This week, we talked with Nicholas Niyarkos on rare earth minerals that go into things like

batteries. What kind of an environmental damage this does? Who's mining these minerals? How this sets up a almost entirely new world order based around China and these minerals? It's actually kind of a crazy tale of both economics and human suffering. But it ends with an optimistic note. I don't want to undersell it too much. We also had a skeptical Sunday this Sunday on bees. On Fridays, though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, play obnoxious sound

bison, somehow against all odds. Splash around in the waves of your most pressing existential dilemmas from opposite ends of this beautiful blue marble. Speaking of which Gabe's Instagram, you've been far too glad in this week. Hey, it's Pizzouce of Jays here. If you'd like to skip Gabe's travel stories, move straight to the do's cruise. You can do so by skipping head to 12 minutes and join the show. Have a good time down there in Brazil, bud. Dude, I am having the best time.

Yeah, the photos are ridiculous. I'm jealous. I'm over here. Well, yeah, in my office. I'm not going to rub it in your face, but it's been pretty, now grab vigorously. I'm going on a cruise next week. Go for it. I'm in a town called Paya del Gadois in Baya. And it is just like one of these tiny, very underdeveloped, very pristine towns on the coast of Brazil. It is stunning, dude, like probably one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. Is it better than North Korea?

No. Of course not. Yeah. Don't be crazy. Nothing tops one sun in the summer. It's like that. All that concrete just reflecting a heat. Yeah. Dude, it's just so, um, I'm kind of at a loss for words because I just don't know if I've been in such a beautiful place before, but it's just so peaceful, very calm. It's a beach town. The water is warm, dirt roads. You know, like they haven't paved the roads properly, which I think is part of why it's still so nice. Very little development.

“Kind of a headache to get here. You have to fly to São Paulo, and then you have to take”

another flight two hours to this town called the Laos, and then you have to drive like

two to and a half hours. To all the good, always when these roads that are just so bad, like it's

worse than the worst turbulence on a flight. You can imagine. But when you get here, it's hard to describe it. It's like stepping outside of time or something. It sounds a little bit like my travel group. Wayfinder's like you'll be in a nice year in the middle of the Moroccan desert or cabin without Wi-Fi in the Amazon. One wall is open to the jungle, but you're kind of in heaven. Once you get past the Halar monkeys, which sound like demons at night, and then you're just like,

"Oh, this is how the world used to be. You're more conscious of time, real time. You're in bed at six because it's dark." And just how a time moves when you're not commuting and picking people up and going to the dry cleaners and all that crap. Yes, the experience of time is very different. And you're also more in touch with the rhythms of life. Like when you're awake, when you're tired, like, "Oh, I'm tired. This is the part of the day where you get sleepy." And, you know, you just feel

I just, I always forget how much we need that until I come to a place like this, which doesn't

happen to happen. So nature therapy, your voice is even easier. But it's more than usual. So I can tell you're very relaxed. Is it? I was actually going to say I'm starting to lose it a little bit because I was talking to a bunch of people a couple of days ago, and I haven't slept a lot, so I, my voice is a bit weird, actually. So maybe it sounds different in my head. I don't know. Here's the real metric. How many days in the last couple of weeks have you worn shoes?

I have not worn shoes in about two weeks. That's all I need to do. Does that's all you're primitive game? Starting, you know, hanging from trees or whatever with your bully, a possible area. Toes. Yes, the jungle book. Nice. Yeah, exactly. Do you remember the

“computer game, the secret of Monkey Island? Yes, my friend had it. I didn't, I think it was for”

Commodore 64 or something like that. I don't even know what that is. Yeah, don't worry about it. It was on my PC when I was growing up. Yeah, this place is giving secret of Monkey Island a little bit minus the witty sword fights. Aren't they more partial to machete fights down there in Brazil? Isn't that kind of more of their vibe? Yes, I've seen so many machetes since I've gone here. I think every, every person who works around here carries one, just like, yeah, I'll paint you a

very quick picture before we ram the old dude's careers into the first iceberg. Please, yes,

tropical warmth before we dive into the frigid Arctic of other people's troubles. So I'm sitting right now in a bungalow at this Buzada, like a really nice in and the beds are not great. You sleep in mosquito nets. It's kind of raw, but I walk maybe 30 feet and I'm at the water and the sand is white and the water is like imagine the perfect temperature of ocean water like that is the temperature of the water and the waves come at this particular frequency and size. So when you go in,

it's like, it's so hard to describe, but it's like the ocean is like hugging you every time the waves come. I do not mean that like just as a metaphor that's really how it feels like you wander into the water and you're like, this isn't just a nice bath, this is like you're being fed somehow by the ocean in a way that I don't think I've ever felt. Well, toss that in your trip advisor review and ruin this town. Yeah. Yeah. It being far away is why it's not ruined, right? People are

“like, it's too much of a pain. I'm not doing this. Like you have to commit to go there for more than”

a week. Otherwise, it's just kind of probably not worth going there at the journey. Yeah. Anyone who's welcome to come and people do come, we're in the low season right now because it's the rainy season. So there are not a lot of people around, but I hear during the high season it's pretty busy. So it's not like crazy to get here, but yeah, you really have to do some work to

get here and do it at night. It is even more insane. I have never seen stars like I've seen stars here,

just sure. God's glitter spread from one end of the sky all the way to the horizon in the distance and sure to get to the other part of town. I often cut down through this property and down to the beach and walk down in every time I go and I come back. I just stop and stare at the sky for like five, ten, fifteen minutes just in awe. It's just incredible. There was a full moon the other day, and it hovered right above the water. It looked like the sun was coming up, but it's the moon.

I didn't even know that was a thing. It's just, I'm such a city kid. Anything will blow my mind. But this is very, very crazy. Have you experienced stuff like that just rarely? When we were in Patagonia, there was, what is it called? Super moon maybe? So you would go up the hill in this this moon would just be enormous. You know, the moon's usually like a pencil eraser in the sky. This was like full on gymungus full moon. Yes, you in the wild. Yeah, and we were just kind of like

wait. Is this, are we safe right now? Because you know, I'm sure we've had super moons in the bay area and you don't even notice because of light pollution clouds. Right. But this was just a completely of, you know, a nearest skyscraper 600 miles kind of situation. It's like storybook stuff.

“When I saw your photos, I was like, whoa, is this like one of those nano banana AI remixes?”

It looks like AI a little bit. Yeah. No, just the universe student. Definitely intelligent, but nothing artificial about it. Yeah. Wow. So what about, are you surfing? Obviously you're doing yoga. I don't even need to ask. I do do yoga on my own every day here. There's like on the property. They have an Oka. Like a yoga shala open air. And yeah, they're surfing. There's yoga meditation. Sound baths, would you would love if you were here? You know me.

Somebody, I think I got a, I got a what's I message today saying there was a Tai Chi class in the Oka, which I did not go to because I couldn't go, but yeah, alternative healing and massage there, but you know, it's kind of like that kind of town. That tracks almost. It's a little Brazilian Bali, maybe. I haven't been to Bali, but there's probably some overlap for sure. But right now, like I said, it's the rainy season. So they're really very few people here. Just locals and a bunch of friends

from Spain and Portugal and other parts of Brazil. And everybody here for the most part is incredibly sweet. Like in a way where you're like, I just met you at breakfast and we're already buds. How did we become friends this quickly? There's something about the town. It's very sweet. Why aren't you in New York before this? I was going from Manhattan to rural Brazil. So ridiculous. Yeah, I cannot think of a more like juxtaposition you wake up on an airplane and you're in the

complete opposite type of place. It was a little jarring, but also remarkable, you know, like Friday

match. Yeah, you know how it is. Taking a subway to go see what's his name? Harry Potter. What's like a Daniel Radcliffe? You know his name is not really Harry Potter. I know I just couldn't remember his name first. Okay, just checking. Everybody calls them Harry Potter, but you know,

“I'm Daniel Radcliffe is in this play about why life is a beautiful. I think it's called”

every brilliant thing. My friend Brenna bought me a ticket and took me and I was just like I was having that New York experience and then the next thing you know, I'm like drinking Aussie in a hammock while I prep the show for this week. Yeah. The only difference is the I saw in Manhattan is $14. That's right. Yeah. Here's just pick it from the truth. That's right. Don't get too comfortable. I guess if those sign-off starts slipping, you know, you take it away.

You're no madcard. You have nothing to worry about. The sign-offs will stay fire. I promise you. Well, look, I'm going on a Disney cruise next week. So that's where I'm at. It's either going to be awesome or a living hell where children are bullying me. No. That sounds like another paradise to me. Maybe a more than made one. I mean, look, I'm also maybe not going to wear shoes. So take that. They do have paved roads here on the cruise. It may be slightly

more commercialized than your hippie-dippy Brazilian town, but I bet they haven't. What is it called an Oka? Is there a goofy theme to Oka? I was going to say if there's an Oka on your cruise shift.

“It's probably like a Disney character meet and greet. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Sir, can you step off?”

That's from Mickey. I can't wait for you to come home with four new strains of RSV. That's right. You got to collect em all. It's like Pokemon. I'm already mentally preparing for it. It happens every time. Just take your vitamins, papa. I got some wellness formula. I've told you about this. It works. I swear to God it works. You know, it also works locking myself in my room for the entire week. Yeah, I know. I need to prepare for the game of thrones level picture dish that is waiting for

me, but I don't know. Should be fun. The kids are going to love it. I mostly maybe get to be reading by some sort of buffet and going down the water slide with Jaden and Juni. It sounds great, honestly.

I mean, honestly, it sounds pretty sweet. I hope you guys have an amazing time. We'll swap stories later.

You can send me more Sora AI caliber videos from Paradise while I hack up a long way through my Mickey Mouse years. And by the way, some of you may have seen on our Instagrams that the Jordan Harbinger show is the number two top performing podcast, according to Oxford Road, which is like one of the largest ad agencies. They have some benchmark intelligence tool. It's an analytics company that ranks the top performing podcasts based on advertising, conversion, efficiency, rather than just audience

size. So that's awesome. It all explain a little bit about what that means. But the reason we rank number two on there is that you guys check out all of our episodes and you support our sponsors. So I just wanted to thank you guys for being so awesome. It's literally your loyalty and generosity and trust of the things that we recommend on the show that shot us up to the top of that list. And it means a lot to us. It does right by our sponsors. It literally makes it possible for us

to keep spilling all this top shelf tea every week. And all right, as always, got fun ones,

got dosies, won a dive in, Gabe, what is the first thing out of the mailbag? Dear Jordan and Gabe, my husband and I have been together for 12 years and have a six-year-old son. Since the beginning of our relationship, his friendship with his ex-girlfriend, let's call her Kelly, has been a recurring point of friction. He and Kelly dated 15 years ago. When we first started dating, he attended her wedding alone, claiming she was a family friend, even though he was the only family member invited.

He maintains that he stays friendly with almost all his exes because he genuinely likes them as people. A trait that I have tried to accept over the years. Yeah, that's a contentious topic with most couples understandably. He described his time with Kelly as a short-term rebound relationship that he eventually ended because she wanted more than he did. He admits to feeling some guilt over the breakup, which I suspect is why he insists on staying in touch.

While I've made peace with their occasional texting, this specific friendship always feels like

a chronic sore thumb compared to his other exes. My husband is naturally outgoing and as a massive network, but his defensiveness over Kelly feels different. The situation recently came to a head during a business trip. My husband pushed for a son and me to join him in the city where Kelly lives. Immediately after booking our flights, he used her as a resource for kid-friendly activities and tentatively scheduled a dinner for both our families without consulting me first.

I was not thrilled about this at all, but he didn't really leave room for me to say no, without a being obvious that the change of plans was coming from me. I've always had the sense that Kelly was a bit judgmental about me from the beginning of our relationship. One time early on, my husband met up with Kelly and her husband for dinner during a business trip to that area and she admitted to quote unquote stalking me on Instagram to see who I was.

This struck me as a bit possessive as if she were trying to find dirt on me. You know, look, we're early in the letter, but people Instagram stalk people online all the time and it doesn't mean that it's malicious. I don't think.

“I feel like at this point that's just a synonym for looking someone up, right?”

Yes, exactly, exactly. I mean, you can do it to dig up dirt on somebody,

or whatever a decade back in the post history, I'm not sure this is possessive or nefarious. I mean, you just like, oh, okay, they want to cruise out. She's pretty. Okay, she has kids. I mean, if it was kind of like one of those while waiting in line for Starbucks, whatever, man. Yeah, I don't know. That alone, it's a data point, but it's not an indictment. The dinner itself was incredibly uncomfortable for me. At the start, Kelly ignored my

clear body language and forced to hug on me. I'm not a hogger at all, especially with strangers, so I typically go in for handshake. Then she and my husband spent the night catching up and reminiscing about their past. I wouldn't say they were outright flirting, but it was much friendlyer than I've seen my husband be with just about anyone. I'm a quiet, reserved person, and my husband is very outgoing and talkative, so when we're in social situations like this,

he often makes an effort to include me and sets me up to join in the conversation because he knows it's hard for me to do that. He did not do that at all here. I forced myself to say things here and there, so it looked like I was participating. Yeah, this is so fascinating. These two could not be more different. At one point, they brought up a funny story that happened while they were dating and offhandedly Kelly said to me, "Oh, do you even know this story?" I just kind of smiled

and nodded and they went on with the conversation as if nothing happened. I did know the story. I know more about her than she would probably like. A few years ago, she confided in my husband

“that she had had an affair with her neighbor. I remember that they had a lot of back and forth”

conversations about that at the time. All of that makes the family friend dynamic seem implausible to me. Interesting. I'm actually getting the opposite read from that, meaning if she's talking to him about

an affair, she had them. They truly might be real friends. Let me think about it for a second because

what she's suggesting is if she would have an affair with somebody else by telling her husband about it, she might be signaling, "Hey, I'm open for business or whatever." But my first reaction was, "Oh, they must be really solid friends if she's trusting him with that information." I don't know. Maybe I'm being naive. No, that's where my mind went. If she wants to start something with him, telling him about another guy, she had a thing with not exactly a great one. No. Like, "Hey, by the way,

I've cheated on my husband and I'm probably going to cheat on you if we ever start anything. Just put that in your pipe and smoke it." Keep that in the back of your hand. Yeah, I don't know. I suppose we don't know, but I'm just not sure that that ships away at the friend label. Again, maybe I'm being naive or too open-minded and I feel like this might be one where we get a bunch of emails from

women that are like, "You guys are dense. Here's what she's doing." And, you know, I'm open to that.

I'm open to that. He could tell I was bothered by something after our trip, but he hasn't come out and addressed it, which is unlike him as well. If he sees something, he will say something. That's good, first of all. But he must sense that you're not a fan of Kelly's and he doesn't want to ruffle your feathers and I can relate. I get that, man. I also wonder if he doesn't want to bring it up because he doesn't want to have to end this friendship if they really talk about it.

That's a really good point. So maybe just stay far away from this one, yield rugsweep. That's the strategy. Something like that. So she goes on. I haven't said anything because it feels like beating a dead horse at this point and I didn't give much pushback when the plans were brought to my attention in the first place. We are in couples therapy at the moment and some aspects of our relationship have improved, but this whole X situation has kind of pushed me over the edge. Why

“would this relationship mean so much to him if it were just a rebound relationship as he states?”

What do you recommend I bring up in therapy about this? And what underlying issue do you think this brings to light? Signed tightly wound and on shifting ground about this profound and

confounding rebound. This is interesting. So first of all, sorry that your husband's relationship

with Kelly has caused you so much stress, distress, confusion. I think these kinds of relationships they can be challenging. They can be confusing. They're a little ambiguous. And if there isn't a clear understanding with a partner, if there isn't a ton of trust and very open communication around this kind of thing, yeah, it can obviously create a lot of problems. And to state the obvious, sometimes these friendships really are problematic and unfair and no amount of trust or communication

would make one okay. So let's talk about Kelly. Honestly, I don't know what to conclude about this woman in her friendship with your husband. We only have your account to go on. Obviously, you're not a fan, so we're getting one angle here. Is she after your husband or at least open to knocking some boots or is he interested in her? Maybe could totally be. I have no way of knowing. Are they legitimately just friends? And that's all behind them. Also, maybe. If you listen to

the show regularly, you know, we believe in male, female friendships. I know some people don't,

“but I think they're really important. As long as everyone's interests and intentions are clear,”

and everybody is on the same page, great. And the fact that this was a rebound relationship for him that she's with somebody new now, that she's talking to him about some pretty intense personal stuff. That he's having dinner with her and her husband. It's not just them going out alone, having five drinks and staying out for four hours. That's a good point. Yeah, I feel like if you're into somebody or they're really into you, you're not like, let's bring our spouses out

going out of your way to make it look like everything's on the up and up. Or, you know,

when you're secretly trying to smash, I don't know. If that's the case, then you, you should, wouldn't you meet one on one on the DL? Like, oh, I gotta go pick up the dry cleaning and burn the Bronx. I'll be back. Yeah, you're not asking them for tips about Lego land for your kids when you're in San Diego. No, unless that Lego land raises tight. What does that even mean? I don't know. Nothing, actually. Which archa show it's see world do you recommend for my wife and

my toddler? Not the panty droppers that most men were stepping out or going to directly. So all of this, for me, paints a picture that he and Kelly are probably just friends. Now, if they had a super intense relationship and it lasted for years and there was some weird breakup, like, somebody got a job and moved and it wasn't that they broke up for any other reason. Okay, maybe they're still pining for each other as a different story. But I also understand that you're

“seeing some things in your husband that is giving you some pause. I think that's what makes”

all of this very tricky for her. Right, her husband is outgoing. She's quiet or more reserved.

He's very interested in hanging with Kelly. He's making plans with her without consulting her friend, which is an interesting choice. She feels that he's being defensive about the relationship with Kelly and generally he's much more social and friendly or with Kelly than with other people, but he's not making as much of an effort to include his wife. I mean, to her, all of that reads well, they must clearly be flirting when she doesn't understand these qualities in her husband.

Right, but anything out of the ordinary for him, even if it doesn't suggest flirtation or adultery, that feels loaded for her somehow. And that's kind of what I'm getting out of. We can not know for sure what is in her husband's heart, what's in Kelly's heart. She might still be into him and he's not. He might be into her, but she's not. They both might be into each other. They might both be legitimate friends who just really get along well, but putting that question aside

for a moment. There's obviously something about Kelly that is meaningful to him. She

gives him something or draws certain qualities out of him, including this openness and exuberance that rubs his wife the wrong way, or maybe Kelly represents an important time in his life or they have a certain connection or rapport that has lasted all these years. Presumably, he does with her too, maybe in the way that he listens and talks things out with her, like this whole thing with the neighbor. Even if that isn't romantic, that does not sit well with our friend,

and I'm very curious to understand why. She sounds, and I mean this in the most non-judgmental way possible, because I can really understand where she's coming from. She sounds a little bit insecure or envious and maybe threatened, but in this one particular narrow instance. I hear that,

“too, and I think I can understand. I have to imagine that a few things are contributing to that. She”

might be looking at her husband be super funny and talkative with her and go like, uh, who is this guy? Like, are you flirting right now? I haven't seen this part of you in a while, or ever. Are you into her? What about me? Like, why aren't you like this with me? And I can understand with them, might make her feel weird. Yeah, that to me largely hinges on communication. I think you know, when a spouse is being respectful of you, I think you know when a spouse is hiding something.

So that does seem like one thing he could get better at talking to her about all this, what she means to him, what that brings up for both of them. She might also be going, do you even know why this person matters so much to you? Like, is this a meaningful friendship? Is it just, I don't know, feeding your narcissism? Like, what's the deal here? That's a fair question. Yeah. She said her husband is super outgoing, so I have a feeling he's more

naturally in touch with his social side, his healthinessism than she is, more at home with it. It's maybe a better way to put it now. There's nothing wrong with that, and apparently,

“but if he's not totally clear on what he's getting out of this friendship, if it is something”

a little questionable, whether it's attention or validation or just a certain kind of social contact that might blur the lines a little bit, that could be potentially problematic, even if they are not, you know, having an affair or moving toward having an affair. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, stuff goes into an emotional affair pretty quick before you know, at some times. I mean, there's, you know, you could dangerously veering a territory where there's something vaguely romantic about it,

even if it's not sexual, per se. Yes. But again, that's where the self-awareness and the communication do make all the difference. But again, she might also be particularly activated by Kelly because Kelly's kind of the opposite of her in many ways, right? She said it herself. Yes. And that was your original point that that might be where she's feeling some insecurity. We don't really know her, but she's outgoing. She's friendly. She apparently takes great interest in

her husband's life, including looking up his wife online, which felt weird to her, but might just be her wanting to get to know her. Also, she's a hugger. I thought that was really interesting. That little details fascinating. I'm not sure how much to read into that. But when she said she ignored my body language. She forced to hug on me. I'm not a hugger. I go in for the handshake. I was thinking, I mean, is that so bad? She sounds pretty nice. It reminds me of a funny story.

You know what? I read a couple of things. One, Susan Kane, who wrote a book about the power of introverts. One of the things she said was that introverts tend to look at other people's body language and communication, verbal and nonverbal. They pay close to our attention to it. Extroverted people, they tend to be more focused on their own. This is exactly the type of thing that happens between introverts and extroverts. And extrovert gives someone a hug because that's what

channels where the person's like, I'm not a, I don't hug people. This is an thing that I do. And introverts tend to be much more calibrated when it comes to that. The other thing it reminds me of is my friend Vanessa Van Edwards, who is a literal body language expert. She was pitching,

“I think a TV show to, you know, let's say Netflix. I don't really know who it was, but let's say”

Netflix. And she goes in. She's made this guy after talking with a money email a bunch. And she goes, oh my god, are you a hugger and goes and gives him a hug? And as she's going in for the hug, he goes, no, absolutely not. I'm not a hugger at all. And she just, is like, I'm over. I've already committed to the hug.

And like, basically gives this limp, noodle guy who's, it's like, Peppy Lapura. And remember,

where he's like snuggling up on the cat, the scone. And she's just hugging this guy. And he's like, clearly, like, I don't want anything with this. And he sits down. And it's so awkward. And she's just staring at the floor. Like, I just did that. I just did that in this very important meeting to this very important man. Oh, man, from the guy she's hoping is going to buy her TV show. Yeah. So when, when she didn't, I guess it, like, the thing, this is years ago. So I guess when it didn't happen, she was like,

was it the hug or what? And her agents, like, it wasn't the hug. Just relax. It wasn't the hug. And she's like, but it might have been the hug. Maybe I need to empathize more with people who don't like to hug. But I'm just like, what's the problem here? What's wrong with you? There's somebody, like, somebody can hug you. And I guess it could be like weirdly intimate or like, way too

affectionate to soon. But that's it. But if somebody is just going in for like a normal hug. Also,

this is like, they've been friends forever. Now, she's meeting as a wife. Like, I don't know. Maybe just, I don't understand what it's like to be wired that way. But what is the aversion, really, to like two seconds of contact with a person? Like you. I'm not that person. I'm also probably a hugger. And maybe I'm making other people feel weird constantly. And there's a bunch of gossip about me. I mean, even if she didn't want a hug, the hug might have been a

signal that Kelly wanted to get along well. A hand shake is not it. It's not crazy. But it's also it's not super warm. And if for a good friend spouse, you've heard a lot about like you said, I don't know. It a hug comes across. It just comes across as nice. I'm having a hard time reading this as anything but that she's listing all of these things is like faux paw or points against Kelly. I'm just

not convinced that they are. The more helpful question is, why does this person get under my skin so much?

“So that's, I think, the important question. I think it could be all of these things. In addition to”

her struggle to understand why her husband wants a friend like this in general. It's funny, the more we talk about this, the more I feel like Kelly and her behavior are kind of the least of it. Whatever Kelly does, she has to be hitting our friend here in some vulnerable spots to be working her up like this. I'm not saying that she's automatically wrong or entirely wrong. I'm not trying to like subtly gaslight her that her, you know, if her spidey senses are going something is not right here,

this feels off. But, you know, spidey senses are whatever are tricky. I think she's bringing a lot to this equation and what's especially tricky is all of these things can be true simultaneously. Exactly. Kelly could be a little inappropriate and they could just be friends or her husband could be a little overly involved with this woman and our friend here might be feeling especially insecure about that. Exactly. It is quite complicated. So about what you should bring up in therapy

and by the way, I'm so glad you guys have that space together. I was very relieved to hear that

“in the question. What you should bring up is sharing the feelings that the Kelly situation is”

bringing up for you, not as facts, but as data. In other words, not going, I'm insulted and hurt about your friendship with Kelly and you need to end it, but maybe saying something like your friendship with Kelly makes me feel hurt and insulted and here's why. And then delving into that with your therapist and exploring it with your husband. On a related note, talking about the parts of you that are getting activated by Kelly. For example, this quiet and reserved quality,

your formality, the differences between you and your husband and the socializing department. I think all of that is relevant. Another thing you might want to do is ask your husband in session about his relationship with Kelly. Really give him space to talk about it openly. Like we're just talking about why she feels important to him. What makes their friendship worth while in his eyes, why he might be kind of defensive about it as you put it. And like is he being defensive or is he

being protective? Right. What does he stand to gain and lose by maintaining or ending this friendship? That might actually be a good question to ask in session two. I would also bring in the session any earlier experiences of similar feelings, like maybe another relationships in childhood. Anytime, something in the present echo something in the past, I think there's usually something useful to look out there. Yes. And a lot of listening, ideally for both of you, you trying to

understand your husband, your husband, trying to understand, dude, I just thought of an example of this happening in my own life. This is like 15 plus years ago. But I met a girl. I became we dated once. Like we went out on a date or two. And then I was like, and she was kind of like, eh, but then we stayed friends. And then she met this other guy. And the guy was like, I don't like Jordan. I don't like your friendship with Jordan. And she was kind of like,

well, that sucks. And he's like, yeah, you know, kind of going to put it down. And she's like,

he's nice. But I still don't like it. And I was like, you know, I'm not trying to ruin your relationship.

“Call me in a year and he'll probably be like, whatever, this is fine, right? Because when he's more”

secure with you guys. And then a few months later, we all met up. And I was like, oh, I'm so glad to see you guys in on Nick. I'm, you know, I'm glad that because I know there was like some sort of issues. I don't

know much about it because I didn't want to like out her. And he's like, no, here's what happened.

My ex cheated on me and you remind me so much of this guy, not not anything that I did or anything. He just happened to be like somewhat similar to me in such certain ways that we're just random. And he basically projected all of that onto me and onto his relationship. And he was like, once I sort of became conscious of all that, he's like, I just read this whole thing is just that it doesn't even make sense. Doesn't even matter. So what your voice reminds me of a person

that my ex-girlfriend used to hurt me literally had nothing to do with me. That's really sweet that you guys were able to talk about that. We're all friends now actually. It's totally fine. And he was like almost embarrassed. And I was like, don't be embarrassed. This is like the most human thing ever. You find a new relationship you like. And I remind you of somebody. And it's not like I was just randomly friends with her. Like I'd already gone out with her twice. So there was like it's

started with a little bit of romance. So it's not he wasn't totally off his rocker thinking like something could happen. It's just that he instead of it being a 1% chance he dialed it up to 80 in his head. And then once it was like no, uh, really no, he was like, okay, I'm being an idiot. And they're married and stuff now. So it's all good. We're all friends now. I just thought this is very interesting. It's just a lot of this reminds me of that. Like it just I was pushing all the

right buttons in him inadvertently. And it just wasn't my fault really. That's almost a simple situation. Then the one we're dealing with here just because he's bringing a lot to the equation and he's projecting a lot and in here, I don't know the math is messier. It is somehow. But what's so interesting about this and about the process of therapy in general. I think especially couples therapies that you don't know exactly where this is going. You don't necessarily know what the

solutions to this problem are. Indeed, you don't even know how much this is a problem. Yet I think that's the byproduct of talking about it in this way. The goal of therapy and I think you're already on to this by asking what deeper issue this brings to light is not necessarily to say get your husband to drop Kelly as a friend. Or put all of your anxieties about this friendship to bed. That might be where this leads. But what you guys learn in therapy and how you apply it

every day moments like learning to communicate better about all of this or appreciating how your

“respective pasts are playing a role in all of this. I think that's what's probably going to determine”

your outcomes, your decisions together as a couple. So maybe you get to a place where you understand Kelly better and you work on the qualities or the wounds that she's touching on. And this friendship doesn't bother you in the same way. Or maybe your husband realizes that there is something a little unfair or inappropriate about this friendship and he needs to pull back

from Kelly and that's what subtles things. These are byproducts you're saying. Basically, yeah,

I only bring this up because I think she's particularly worked up about Kelly right now and she might be trying to figure out, you know, like how do I get my husband to reconsider Kelly as soon as possible when that might not be the real progress that she's looking for. I'm with you there, but I just want to say if you find out that there's something romantic about this down the line, yeah, you'll be vindicated in many ways. So please don't misinterpret what we're

saying. We're not trying to talk you out of your feelings. I'm not saying you're crazy for thinking this. I'm sure you have some good reasons for feeling hurt and even if they end up having less to do with Kelly herself. Again, even if there isn't anything romantic happening here, there might be aspects of this that are concerning, but this is a highly ambiguous story and where there's ambiguity, there's often something that needs working out. Clarity, communication,

integrity. So that is my hope for you that you guys get to do that and then see where these pieces fall, including Kelly. And in the meantime, my other hope for you is you keep being curious about all of this. Most of all about yourself sending you a big hug. Well, I mean, maybe not. Yeah, my bad. I didn't read her body language through the letter very well, sending you a big handshake, firm handshake, and wishing you all the best. You know, who else wants to give you a non-consensual

embrace? The amazing sponsors that support this show will be right back. This episode is sponsored and part by 1-800 flowers. Mother's Day really makes you think about all the moms in your life and how much they do. Obviously, my mom, but also Jen, she's holding

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yes. Limited availability on select routes, more routes coming soon. Thank you so much for listening to and supporting the show all of the deals discount codes and ways to support the podcast or on the website searchable and clickable. Jordanharbinger.com/deals. Please consider supporting those who support the show. Now, back to Feedback Friday. Okay, what's next? Hey guys, I'm a mechanical engineer and I started listening to the show a year and a half ago

on the recommendation of a coworker who started listening to more life and psychology podcasts when he began therapy. I know you guys recommend therapy often and even though people

give you crap for it, sometimes I appreciate it. I just started therapy for the second time in my life.

It's been helpful, but I'm still figuring out exactly what I'm doing there. Oh yeah, that's kind

“of me every time I start therapy. I think it's part of the process, I think. But I'm a little confused”

by something you guys sometimes recommend, which is sticking with therapy for a long time, even after you've resolved the thing that brought you there. Do we say that? I don't know if I do that. Gabe, is that a youth thing? I don't know if I have said exactly that. I'm sure we have, maybe it's mostly me actually. We've talked about maybe how rewarding it can be to work with a therapist for a long period of time as you continue to evolve. You know, like new problems,

present themselves, new questions, come up, the relationship deepens and it grows and all that. So maybe stuff like that, I think we have said. Yeah, I agree with that. In principle, everyone's different though, depends on your goals I suppose and how much you enjoy paying someone to listen to you complain about your mom for 12 and a half years. Maybe I'm being too literal or something, but I went to therapy to work on some very concrete things, some professional challenges and

moderate anxiety. And once I make progress on those things, I'm not sure that I would stick with therapy. In fact, the goal for me is to not be there forever or even for a long time. But is that wrong? Am I missing something? What value does therapy have beyond working on your main goal slash problems? Sign, hoping to get off the couch once I'm done saying out. Really good questions. So it's funny. I'm probably actually more in our friend here's camp than I am in games or what I assume.

Gabe would say about this. Let's see. I've been in therapy a few times in my life. I genuinely believe in it. I wouldn't recommend it otherwise. But obviously, if you're there, you're there to work on something and hopefully you make progress. I've known people. I think we've heard from people here on the show who's been months or years in therapy without making real progress on their goals. And that's obviously a problem. At a certain point, you're either good

or it's not a good fit. But just like we're saying, new stuff kind of always comes up. So you

might begin therapy to figure out your career, your working on your anxiety. And you make some progress. And then new stuff comes up. And you get a new boss. And you start a new relationship. Because you're less anxious. And you have more energy to start a new project. Whatever it is. And suddenly there's all this new stuff to talk about. That could be really helpful. Yeah, totally. Or you go into talk about anxiety. And you realize that the causes of the anxiety

are many. Suddenly you're talking about your childhood or how people listen to you growing up or how you made decisions or what your relationships are like. Sometimes the thing that brings

“you into therapy is just the entry point. But it's not necessarily the main thing or the only thing.”

Exactly. And so as long as you're learning and growing, even after you've made some progress on the things that brought you there, that's super useful. But I can't say I'm one of those people who's like everybody should be in therapy for life. Absolutely no problem with people who do. I'm just a little more goal oriented. I guess what about you get? Well, like you said, everybody's different and everybody's interests in therapy and desire for that experience is different. And that's totally

fine. There's nothing wrong with being goal oriented and therapy. In fact, you probably should be goal oriented to some degree in therapy. I think it can give you direction. And it can give you, you know, a sense of priorities. And hopefully you can measure your progress better that way. I guess

What I have found in full disclosure, I've been in therapy with the same psychologist for

“14 years now. It's just crazy. What I found is that therapy or at least the kind of”

talk therapy that I've done other modalities are by definition, more short term. And sometimes that's actually what makes them very effective. But talk therapy, psychodynamic therapy is by definition, very open-ended. It's very flexible, very associative. The canvas can be very, very big, infinitely

big, really. And so it kind of becomes like a tapestry that never ends. And within that frame,

there are a lot of really interesting possibilities for what you can talk about, for what you can get into, for what you can feel and work out. And so, yeah, one goal of good therapy is symptom reduction. If you decide to start therapy because, say, you're dealing with depression and you're still in the same place with no noticeable improvement years later, there's something worth talking about in that is probably a moment to reassess. You know, you either approach therapy differently or you

find a new therapist or you find a different modality. But there's so much more to therapy than just like getting rid of symptoms. And in fact, some really great analysts, there's this guy named James Helman, for example. They argue that the whole curing symptoms goal of therapy can actually be a weakness in the tradition. And sometimes you can even be an obstacle to real growth. Huh, I'm a little surprised by that. I mean, I see what you're getting at, but if therapy isn't

about making you better than, I don't know, what is it for? Fair question. Let me, let me, let me rephrase. It's not that therapy shouldn't be about making you better. It's that how we define

better is an important question. And how we get to better, whatever that means for us is crucial. So

this guy, Helman, I just mentioned, one of his big arguments was that, our moods, our pain, our neuroses, whatever gets in the way of our lives, he viewed these things as, like, essential experiences. They're not ones to necessarily be overcome or avoided, you know, like put to bed. He thought therapy should have more respect for symptoms and not like treat them as suffering to be cured, but as an opportunity. So the question that he kept asking was, what message is the symptom

trying to relate to the patient? I see. So he still believed in helping people get better, but he wasn't trying to just like make depression or anger or whatever your parents said to you 20 years ago. Go away. Exactly. And by the way, this is just one interesting analyst out there. I'm not

“saying that he's absolutely right or that his is the only way. It was just on my mind because I”

happened to read his book and it kind of relates. I do agree that a lot of our culture, American culture,

I mean, but in the Western general, we are very solution-oriented. We want to know where we're going, and we want to get there yesterday, or is that just me? Yes. And I do think a lot of our system is about band aids and shortcuts rather than real solutions and real process. Also, once you get beyond symptom reduction, you know, being in a real relationship with a therapist, having the experience of someone taking a real interest in you and healing certain wounds or working through certain patterns

in that relationship, that is one potential of long-term therapy and also contemplating like big existential questions, whatever they are like, what am I doing here? What gives my life meaning? What makes me happy? You know, like, how do I cope with death? What do I want to dedicate myself to? I'm on this earth. I mean, so much of what we talk about on the show. So a lot of that is not really about symptom reduction, narrowly speaking, although interestingly, these conversations can

go a long way in reducing symptoms in my experience, anyway. Interesting. So our friend here, he's more of a symptom reduction guy, which is an engineer that makes sense. He's like, how do I solve this problem? Am I making objective, measurable progress? And I don't know. I kind of, I get it. I'm that way too, for sure. Yeah. I get a tune to be clear. I also love that. He doesn't need to entirely let go of that idea. I'm with you. If you're not getting better in some meaningful way,

then that's an issue. But my experience, and again, is just my experience, I also happen to really enjoy talking. And that's me. My experience is that the full potential of therapy as a relational experience and has a kind of like existential sandbox where you get to play, that is extremely helpful and can be very productive. Yeah. I could see that. I also get the people who are like, just help me beat insomnia and learn how to stand up to my boss. I don't need you to ask. My mom has nothing

to do with this, even if it does. There you have it, man. You might find that the things you brought into therapy are just the tip of the iceberg or they lead you to other questions or you're anxiety gets better and then it gets worse. And that's not necessarily a step backwards. It's an opportunity to understand what made it worse and why. And that's also a really important point, Jordan, because progress on therapy is usually not linear. So you kind of have to have enough

time and space to take a step back and then take a step forward and see what's going on. Definitely. You can come and fit in starts, right? Sometimes you take a step back,

“I don't know step sideways and meanwhile, you are actually growing. And by the way, and I think”

Gabe, you'd probably agree, you're not failing therapy if you go to it for a year or somewhere in the new stop. If you feel better, great, but maybe also stay open to how the journey evolves, which also depends on the person you're working with, whether they're a good long-term fit, whether they want to work in that way. This is also interesting for me to think about. I might

pancakes can be mildly traumatizing. I mean, it's the check that you get at the end of the bill that's more traumatizing, but I'm going to need some EMDR to get my C legs again. All right, keep up the great work and good luck. By the way, you can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com. Please keep your emails concise. Try to use the descriptive subject lines that makes our job a whole lot easier. If you're trying to find the right boundaries with a sick but presumptuous

parent, you're torn between chasing financial stability that'll keep a roof over your head or a dream that will nourish your soul or your BFF from childhood disinvited you from her wedding after a series of absurd conflicts creating ripple effects throughout your whole family. We want to talk about all of the guys hit us up Friday at jordanharbinger.com. We're here to help and we keep every email anonymous. And now for my favorite modality, retail therapy. Let's reduce the symptom of

overpaying for stuff you need by getting deep with the amazing sponsors that support this show. We'll be right back. This episode is sponsored in part by HIA Health. As a parent,

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listing today. Get seen. Get booked on booking.com. By the way, if you haven't signed up yet, come check out our newsletter, wee bit wiser. Say, bite size gem from a past episode from us to

“you delivered to your inbox on most Wednesdays. It's a two minute read or less. So if you want to keep”

up with the wisdom from the show, I invite you to come check it out. It's over at jordanharbinger.com/news. All right, next up. Dear Jordan and Gabe, I recently retired and that spent the last three years as the primary caregiver for my elderly parents. My father passed away nearly two years ago at the age of 96. He maintained many friends and a positive outlook on life, even as his health rapidly deteriorated in his final year due to a cancer recurrence. He would often say how lucky he

was to have lived such a wonderful life. Just a couple of weeks before he died, he laughed and told me, "The problem with your mom is that she has longevity on her side." He said it as a joke, but now I feel like he hung on as long as he could just to save my brother and me from having to deal with mom. Wow, that is quite a thing to say about your spouse. My mother is nearly 100 years old. Physically, she is remarkable. She takes no medication and can get around the house with a cane.

Mentally, she's relatively sharp except for some shorter memory loss. Amazing, what's her secret? But she's become a total recluse and hasn't left house in three years. Okay, well, maybe that's it. She's not put up with other people's shit. I live an hour away and visit daily to handle her shopping, cleaning, and meal prep. Carrying for my mom is emotionally exhausting. She can be very negative, particularly in the mornings. She frequently calls to tell me that she is dying or

too weak to get out of bed, yet she has never actually fallen. By evening, her mood shifts,

with imminent death, or perhaps she just says she's dying to guilt me and spending more time with her.

Yeah, that's really tough. I'm sorry. I also wonder if the mood swings and shifting outlook are symptoms of dementia or other cognitive decline. I mean, that sounds familiar. Recently, I've been spending about half of my nights at my mom's. I do this partly to cut down on driving time and to spare myself from her morning phone calls, but also because I believe she should have someone visit at least once a day, especially since she is spending more and more time in bed.

Wow, you are a saint, my friend. I hold a comprehensive durable power of attorney for her and manage her finances, so I know she can easily afford professional in home care. But she flatly refuses to have, quote unquote, "strangers" in her home, leaving the entire burden on me.

Yeah, that's frustrating. Very frustrating. My brother, who's also retired, lives out of state

and stays with her when I go on vacation. He'd be willing to spend more time with her, except that she's racist and refuses to allow my brother's Asian wife to stay in the home. Whoa, okay, that took a turn, so mom has, she's got edges.

“Maybe that's what's keeping her so youthful. The racism. That's right, Asian hate just takes away”

those fine lines and wrinkles. Wow. Oh boy, okay. Geez. I thought my mother had put her prejudices aside, but they resurfaced about 10 years ago when Trump's anti-immigrant rhetoric seemed to make it okay to be openly racist. Around that time, my father pulled me aside to reveal that my mother didn't want my brother to inherit the house because she didn't want Asians living there. Wow, what a weird thing to have to tell your kid. Holy smokes.

He made me promise never to tell her we had spoken, as it was his wish that the inheritance

remained a 50/50 split with my brother getting the home, and I getting the other assets. My mom regularly seeks reassurance from me that I will live in the home after she dies. I have no desire to live there, but I lie to keep the peace. Meanwhile, she talks about changing her trust to make me the sole beneficiary of the house to ensure my brother's family never moves in. I continue to deflect reassuring her that as the executor I will handle everything and

“she need into her. Yeah, honestly, look, I hate lying, but in the case like this, a 100-year-old woman”

who's not going to heal her racism at this hour is late hour. I think this is the right approach. Just let her believe what she wants to believe reassure her than do what's right and treat your brother fairly of course. Why make this a fight? You don't need that. I'm now in a crossroads. I love my mother and want her final years to be happy, but I'm realizing that she could live another five years or more. I have several vacations planned this year during which my brother will

stay with her while his wife stays with friends nearby. I dread what happens when those trips end. I hear you, but I'm glad your brother is still willing to come even if his wife can't. That just really sucks for his wife, but you deserve some freedom too. I've considered trying to get her to sign a ring agreement to accept in home care next year. She might agree simply because she's convinced she'll be dead by then. But if she were to live until then, I fear that her racism will

lead her to mistreat any non-white caregivers resulting in endless complaints to me. I didn't even think about that. That had not occurred to us, dude. A new one. Big Lebowski. Yeah, it's fellow steamer Hoffman in the back of the limo. So good. Am I destined to spend the best remaining years in my life, tether to a woman who uses guilt and prejudice to maintain control? How do I fulfill my duty to her without completely sacrificing my own retirement? And the healthiest years I have left.

Signed remaining my mother's keeper when the cost is growing steeper. Man, such great questions, tough questions. So obviously, I'm very sorry that you're dealing with this caring for an aging parent. It's part of life in a big way. It's an honor, part of the cycle of life, part of our duty to some degree. But when caring for a parent comes with challenges like these, and there are so many here. The mood swings, the panic spirals, the hurtful words,

the guilt trips, especially when there isn't another parent or sibling who can share the responsibility, that can eclipse the joy of taking care of an old parent. And I imagine it must be quite a burden. So my heart does go out to you really. Your mom is remarkable in many ways. We should all be so lucky, but she also sounds like a handful to put it politely. So you're asking exactly the right question. How can you do right by her without losing yourself? And my feeling is

there's probably a way to do both. It sounds to me like you've given your mom a lot. You're sacrificing a lot to keep her safe. Keep her connected. Keep her comfortable. And that is beautiful. When she goes, I think you're going to feel really good about how you showed up for her.

“But I also wonder how much you've thought about the degree to which you should accommodate her.”

Whether you've been as creative as you could be about making sure she's taken care of, given her tricky personality. For example, spending half your nights at your mom's house, I understand there are some very real upsides the driving, sparing yourself the morning phone calls,

you into that corner to some degree by refusing to have in-home care, by dumping on you.

“With the phone calls, and I'm not saying it's necessarily conscious or entirely malicious,”

she might be a little senile and scared. And that makes her want to reach out for help, which I totally get. But what's interesting about that to me is it sounds like you're very quick to adjust your life to meet her needs and expectations and kind of in every way. When she's not really going, I wonder if this is too much to ask of my daughter. Clearly not. I mean, look, maybe she's getting older, maybe that's senility, maybe that's entitlement, maybe it's some manipulation or narcissism.

I don't know. I hear all of those possibilities in the letter. But I do wonder how she goes from that to, well, I got to be there every single day at a huge cost to me. Yeah, that's kind of where my mind is going. The whole, I don't want to get her morning phone calls thing is a meaningful

data point. She doesn't want to be woken up by her 100 year old mother crying that she's alone and

she's going to die. I totally get that of course. Yeah, nobody wants to stress it. Yeah, that's heartbreaking. But is our friend especially susceptible to that message? Do those words get in very easily with her? Is it hard for her to gently stand up to her mom? Because there's a part of me that's wondering if she could say, you're not alone, mom, you're not going to die today. I promise. I know this scarier, I know it's hard, but you're in good shape. Go downstairs, make some coffee, sit on the

porch. I'll be there in the afternoon or I'll call you in an hour to check in or whatever it is.

“Is that possible? So that's what you do. Not go over there every day. I'm not entirely sure what I”

would do though is be very mindful about how these words from my mom land with me. Like, how do I respond to mom and why? Am I allowing these words to affect me the way they should? How much choice do I have in the matter? How do I define my responsibility to her? Do I just respond to her very raw needs? Right, she might not have included all of the different options she went through before she learned it on this one, but I do get a pretty strong sense that she very quickly

bent over backward for her mom after her dad passed away. And by the way, so did her dad to some degree with a whole don't tell your mom we talked about this, but here's the real deal with the inheritance thing. It feels like everybody's kind of cramping around her. That's a good point. I can only imagine how many other conversations he sidesteped because he just knew she wouldn't budge and they were so different, which is also fascinating. After assume that even

he didn't really know how to bridge that gap in a lot of ways, but even before he died, I wonder if mom suddenly influenced them in various ways. Like she said, she's his guilt and prejudice to maintain control. I have a strong feeling she did influence them because look how quickly her daughter picks up the cue. Yeah, that is a really good point. This didn't just come out of nowhere, right? And that's a hard message to ignore from a parent, but now we're back at

the topic of those inner boundaries, right? Like, can she create a little room to sit with a difficult phone call from her mom, allow whatever feelings are there to be there, maybe some guilt or some sadness or just like a very basic distress, all of which, by the way, very common when caring for elderly parents, and then decide what her mom actually needs and what she

herself can actually do. I mean, it's fascinating to me that she's always fine by the evening,

right? She's a totally different person, but our friend is going over there in part to spare her

“self this morning, phone call. So a good question might be, what exactly am I sparing myself from?”

Gabe, because I have two older parents, one with Alzheimer's, as you guys know, I totally understand why this is so hard for her. You know, when your older parents suffers, it hurts. You want to help them because anything less, you kind of feel like you're abandoning them and it feels cruel. Okay, yeah, no, I hear that. And her mom lives alone and she's very old, so I don't mean to discount that and thank you for reminding me that this is quite hard, but I guess I still stand

by this idea that there are many ways to respond to a parent and there are many ways to help them and her reasons for doing what she's doing for her mom. I do think they're worth keeping an eye on. I think there's a world where they change a little bit. I'm also still bothered by this. I won't have anyone else in this house thing. I hear a lot of older folks are like this. I get it. You don't want to strange during your home, but I also find it rather unfair that this woman is totally fine

having her daughter drive over there in our each way. Once a day, having her son come over from out of state despite the fact that his wife is not welcome in the home, but she's also going, no caretakers, especially not brown ones. I mean, that is just what's the polite word, presumptuous. I mean, gosh, what maybe when you get old, you just stop giving a crap, but she's just asking a whole lot of her kids with like no remote remorse whatsoever. So I'm back to my

earlier question, is there any way to reopen that conversation? You mentioned getting her to sign something? Okay, that's fine. It's not going to be legally binding in any ways. And it might be like your way of dealing with her stubbornness, but if she could afford it, and this is unsustainable for you, I wonder if you can say, Mom, I hear you. This is not ideal living in the house with somebody else. I get it, but this is a lot to ask of us. And we need some help. I know you care

about us too. So can we find a middle ground here? Can we give you a live-in aid in the mornings, or on the weekends, or a couple days a week? Whatever you decide you need. Let's find you somebody who's respectful and quiet. Let's look for somebody you approve of. And then call the staffing

but there it is." So we need a white nurse or somebody who looks like a white enough to pass as a white nurse. Look, I promise you these agencies have heard it all before. I'm sorry. I'm only laughing because I'm just like, I want you to make this phone call for her, and I'll make it call. Yeah, because why you don't have to like double racist. She doesn't like Asians, and that's not the word she uses for Asians, but if you know what I mean. Yeah. I wonder if the staffing agency has

heard that before. Yeah, for sure. Like they for sure get people, and they're like, this man is

so sweet, and then he's like, "By the way, no Filipino." And you're just like, "Oh, never mind."

Yeah, speaking of which, I wonder how much you've really tried her. She just really put her foot down in that, you're like, "All right, Mom, I'm gonna spend $30 in gas and four hours of my life every day coming over." And maybe you get together with your brother, and you have that conversation as a family, so she sees that it's not just coming from you. I like that idea a lot, Jordan. I also wonder where her brother is in all this. It's interesting, because yes, some very good reasons to stay

away, obviously, because of his wife. But is he also watching all of this and going, "Yeah, you know, lean as God at fine with me? Not my problem, because that's not entirely cool, either." I guess I wonder, have she and her brother discussed that and are they on the same page,

“or did our friend here just kind of decide on her own to take this all on herself?”

And is that part of the template, too? So no, I don't think you're destined to spend the best remaining years of your life, Tethered to a woman who just gills and prejudice to maintain control.

First of all, she's 100. Huge accomplishment, but in all likelihood, this situation is

gonna resolve itself fairly soon. Sorry. Yeah, could be five years, could be five months, could be tomorrow. You just don't know. So keep that in mind, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like such a bastard saying that both senses of the phrase, I think. Yeah. Yes, yeah, exactly. I should not be laughing so hard. No, I'm thinking about it. We'll see where mom ends up. Yeah, the no Asians in my home thing might be a bit of a sticking point at the

early gates. What if she gets there in St. Peter's Chinese? Yeah, where we're way out of that one, mom. More importantly, you're not destined to do anything. The big idea we kept coming back to today. That was savage, dude. I, anyway, the big idea we could go back to today was carving out a little more agency for yourself, taking a step back, reconsidering your strategy here. There is a way to fulfill this duty to her without completely sacrificing your own life. And I think it involves a combination of asking for help,

appropriately challenging your mom influencing her appropriately dictating some of the terms of your caretaking and keeping an eye on those inner boundaries and making sure that your mom is part of your life a very important one, but that you aren't allowing her to become your entire life. And that is your job. There's not her job. It's not your brother's job. You're already doing that by taking these vacations and asking your brother to step up, which is excellent, sending you and your mom a big hug, a big

white hug, and wishing you all the best. Maybe you don't tell her I'm a Jewish guy married to an Asian lady though. Yeah. And good luck. Also, in case you don't know, there's a subreddit for the show.

“If you want to jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes, it is over there”

on the Jordan Harbinger subreddit. All right. You know, it's definitely welcome in mom's home. The fine products and services that support this show all made in China, probably. But whatever, well, she doesn't have to know that. We'll be right back. If you like this episode of Feedback Friday and founder advice valuable, I invite you to do what other smart and consider it listeners do, which is take a moment. Support our amazing sponsors. They're all searchable and click

up on the website at jordanharbinger.com/deals. And if links don't work, if codes aren't working, you're not sure if they exist email us [email protected]. We're happy to dig up codes for you. It really is that important that you support those who support the show. And now, for the rest of Feedback Friday. All right. Time for the recommendation of the week. I am addicted to it, fella. My recommendation of the week is MX offers American Express offers. What this is, anytime you have an

MX card, you can download their app. And in the app, there's a little section called offers. And it's like $15 when you spend $100 at Lulu Lemon or whatever. There's a million of them. Well,

not a million. There's some weeks. There's 50 other weeks. There's 10. And I was like, oh, I never

“sign up for these. And you have to activate them or they won't work when you buy something at Lulu.”

Like, it's not automatic. So if you go to Lulu Lemon, you don't have the offer activated. You spend $100. You spend $100. But if you activated this offer, you get that 10 bucks back after the purchase. And it just works. And I was like, all right, let's see if this even makes sense. I don't even know most of these brands. Some of them are podcast sponsors and stuff too. So I'm like, okay, I know these, but I don't know how often I buy a new grill, for example. So I just do it every Monday. I don't even

look at what it is. I just add all of them. There's no downside. It takes five minutes even on offer heavy weeks. Like, when they're 50, so far this year, we've saved like $900 because you get these

bought that. Oh, gee, I don't remember even activating that. Oh, yeah, you bought smart glasses for Jen. And there was a $100 rebate at some glass hut for a minute. And it ditched got $100 bucks back. And it's just, it adds up so fast that I'm actually quite shocked. So if you have an MX card and you actually use it, grab the app, do a little calendar or task to do on every Monday and just add the offers. It's really surprising how much this adds up. I thought we were going to save like a hundred bucks a quarter,

a hundred bucks a year. I didn't realize we were going to save hundreds of dollars per month on some of this stuff. And a lot of it's like food, groceries. It's not all just stretchy pants and mattresses. That's it. All right. What's next? So Jordan a couple weeks ago, we got an email from a listener who

“had a different view of the whole Ellie, the entitled selfish sister in law story. You remember that?”

Yeah, the self-discision. She said she was a feminazi from Ireland. The feminazi from Ireland. Yes, so her argument was basically, you know, like open the aperture, guys. This might not be all the woman's fault. She was making a few different points in her letter, but our big takeaway was, let's keep making room for the other side of the story and these letters as much as we can.

Right. There's always another side. We're all unreliable narrators to some degree. Even though I'm

pretty sure I disagree with a lot of that letter, it's always a good reminder. Yeah. So it's in that spirit that I wanted to read this next letter, which is, uh, well, another opportunity we do not get very often. This is a very unusual one. So the letter goes. Hey, guys, back in December, you took a letter from a 29 year old man who talked about his crazy mother and a little sister who now wasn't speaking to him. So just remind everyone, this was the guy whose mother had some

serious mental illness. She controlled him as a child. She impersonated him with his friends and he ended up pulling away from other people because he was so embarrassed about it. And he eventually

“got away from his mom at I think 21 years old and he was still dealing with the trauma in this feeling”

of being just lost and unprepared for life at like 29 years old. Yeah, it was a very dark story. Didn't the mom tell him his dad was abusive and didn't want anything to do with them and then he tracked his dad down and found out that it wasn't true at all. That's right. And then he helped his younger sister escape from the mom's control as well. But that apparently did a number on both of them and the sister doesn't talk to him anymore. Right. It was so sad. And then the mom is sort of MIA now,

right? He can't find her. Yeah, in the wind. So his question was, I know my mom is nuts, but I still want to have a relationship with her as that possible. And also, can I rebuild things with my sister? Yes, and our advice was, if I recall, was basically you probably did her a solid by getting her away from this mom, but for whatever reason his sister is saying, I can't be close with you right now. It's too painful and you've got to respect that. That's right. Just stay close. Let your sister

know you're respecting her distance, but you're ready to talk whenever she wants and that's really all you can do. Well, she goes on. I am that little sister. Wow. Okay. I can't wait to hear this. I went three years without saying milder brother after moving in with my dad to answer your

question, yes, we have different fathers. Our mom took us away from our fathers. They never had

a chance to be a big part of our lives, and therefore never knew the abuse we went through as kids. For me, she basically kidnapped me from him while he was out of town for work. I was five. Oh, my god. That is just awful. This mother is terrible. So she did this to two men. Two men. Growing up with our mother was a nightmare. As my brother described, she was very controlling. I watched her merge her life with my older brother and older sister,

pretending to be them. So I learned. I lied and said I had no social media. Since she couldn't pretend to be me, she created fake accounts and added my friends. She would stalk their pages, and if I was ever posted on them, she would bring it up to me as if she just magically found out. Sometimes she would use it as a reason to lash out at me. One day, I snooped on her phone and saw that she had been sending hateful/bullying messages

to my friends over Instagram. We were 12 years old. I got what a piece of work. Like we said

“on that episode, this is Netflix documentary. Okay. So here's the thing. The letter gets a little”

difficult from here and out. I just want to give everyone a heads up listening. If you're listening with kids, or whatever, just take care because it's going to get a little on dance. Okay? My mother would withhold food and water from me for up to weeks at a time. When I was really young, she would hide me away in rooms when my paternal family was around. I wasn't allowed to see them when I got older, and she moved us out to a rural town about an hour away because

she lied. They were bad people who wanted to hurt me, and she was just protecting me. She wouldn't even let me go to my grandpa's funeral when I was 11 because it was my dad's side of the family. She would routinely lash out of me for no reason, and would only leave me alone once I reached a point of sobbing so much that my face was numb and I was hyperventilating. Then suddenly she was so sorry and would say stuff like, "I wasn't even yelling. Why are you so

upset?" So abuse, isolation, manipulation, gaslighting. She's a monster. I'm sorry. This is

somebody who should never have been allowed to raise kids. I'm so angry. At this moment, what the hell?

that said I was allowed to take a shower whenever I wanted. I felt so dirty in our house.

For quite a while, she stopped buying laundry detergent. Maybe not the biggest deal, but in our house, we had various cats and dogs over the years. They ended up peeing and pooping in the carpeted house, and my mom and her boyfriend didn't clean it. I didn't have the right supplies to do it, and our house smelled disgusting. I smelled disgusting. I distinctly remember my sixth grade teacher asking me to stay behind at the end of a school day to sit me down and have a chat about how I

smelled. It was affecting her and the other kids in the class. This is so sad, dude. Oh my god, that's heartbreaking. So utterly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry. I would like to think now, you know, this is happened in the '80s or the '90s. I would hope now a teacher would go,

“this is something I should report. No, oh, you need to take a shower and wash your clothes”

like young lady. Like, obviously something is wrong at home. You'd knucklehead like God. My mom was also a borderline hoarder. So in various spaces throughout the house, there were just piles of junk that sat untouched for years. On top of already being pretty isolated in a rural area, my mom's mindset was that everyone was out to get me, and that she was my only safe person. Oh my gosh. Her own little cult, unreal. So I had a hard time trusting my own thoughts.

I knew what I felt and thought, but then there was mom reminding me I was wrong. So perhaps I

didn't actually know what I felt and thought. Yeah, that's terrible and fascinating. We've never

heard from a child of a parent like this described what it's like to be manipulated in this way. How it undermines your reality. You're very basic sense of self. Man, that is, it's just so despicable. It is that you would want to mess with a child like this. I can't wrap my head around this. By 16, I legit reached a point where I thought I was going insane. One day, I spent an entire class sitting on the floor scratching the back of my hand over and over and over because that

“was the only thing I knew was real. That's quite an image. Dude, I have always heard people talk”

about self harm as a form of like self soothing or release or something. I've never heard someone talk about it as a kind of like grounding exercise. Like I'm going so out of my mind, I need to hurt my body because at least I know my body exists. Wild. Yeah, man, heartbreaking and fascinating. She's quite a storyteller. And I mean, that in the best way is this is vivid and vulnerable, what she's sharing. I'm just so sad for her. The only reason I stopped scratching was that my

teacher looked over and freaked out because I'd blood all over the back of my hand and fingers. And don't get me started on being a daughter to our mother. The woman was giving the all kinds of beauty products by the time I was 10 years old because I needed to get rid of all the wrinkles I had. We're in fifth grade. You can't buy a jug of tide, but your daughter needs fucking oil of a lay. God dang. That's I'm sorry. I'm laughing with that. It's literally what

that's so insane. I don't even know. So insane. I'm taking it back. I wasn't allowed to go out and see friends unless I had shaved my arms and legs. One is America's next top model. I don't understand.

“America's next top nightmare. I think more like, yeah. Tyra Kim Jong-il and that woman from”

unknown number all in one. Literal supervillains. Yeah, this degree of mental illness. This is what they study in psychology programs in college. Like the fact that people like this are just out there raising kids without any consequences and seemingly nobody's intervening. This is insane

to me. But this is probably happening all over the place. I was 14. The first time my mom screamed

in my face that I was the reason she wanted to kill herself. My existence made her miserable. So her mistreatment of me was just need I go on because I can. It was just crazy. No. I mean, look, if you did, I'd listen because this is weirdly fascinating. Like I said, but no, we get the picture. I'm so sorry. You just deserved so much more, so much more. When I was 16, CPS was actively investigating our mother. Finally, I'm so glad that she's finally just 10 years later. I wonder how

that happened to the teacher say something to she called it a family member call. Some friend was probably like Shelley doesn't have laundry detergent or mothers a psychopath and God knows what's going on in that house. Somebody should do something and then somebody finally called it in. Whoever did is an angel. So she was honestly. When I was 16, CPS was actively investigating our mother and the only reason I left before they officially intervened was that during one of our arguments,

my mom's boyfriend got tired of us fighting all the time and told me to quote, "Grab my shit and go." So the following weekend, my brother, the one who wrote you originally, helped bring boxes of my stuff to my dad's house and even came back to our house when I knew my mom was going to start an argument with me. He was my support, my backup. I haven't seen or had contact with her since then. I'm 20 years old now. So that actually puts this in the in the

early 2000s. Yes, not the 80s or 90s, early 2000s. I just assumed she was my agent. I don't really know why I did that. The teacher should have known better. This is extremely disappointing. Like what

should do laundry." It's like, "No, clearly something is wrong at home. Holy smokes. What's wrong

with you?" Who knows what teachers go through, but man, what a journey. I'm so glad you got out when you did. I'm so sorry you had to go through that but good, friggin riddance man. This is absolutely. So she goes on. As for my brother, I didn't just cut him off because, quote, he reminded me of our family, unquote. Okay, this should be interesting. Okay, so again guys, this is a heads up for everyone listening, things are about to get difficulty more difficult than before. I just want you guys to

know that. Okay. Okay. I won't go totally into detail, but the reason I didn't see my brother for three years was that once I was out of that fog of my maternal family, I had time to grasp just how f***ed up it all was. When we were kids, I was a victim to my big brother. Strangulation, meetings, sexual assault, he did them all to me. No, not the brother. Brother, damn devastating. So this is

all kinds of messed up. This whole family's just traumatized. I don't mean to repeat myself,

I am genuinely sorry for how difficult this letter is. Guys, listening right now, I know these stories can sometimes feel like, I don't know, trauma, porn, or whatever, a little bit, and that that is not my intention. I just wanted to share what you took the time to write. It's her story. She wanted to share with us. I just, I hope we can do something helpful with it, but I'm just sharing

“what you shared with us. So she goes on. I still remember the feeling of him straddling me while I was”

on my back, laying down on the nasty carpet in the dirty room I mentioned earlier with his hands gripped around my neck, watching the smile on his face grow bigger as I kicked and hit him faster and faster, and my vision started to fade, and I thought I was going to die. Oh my god. I remember sitting on the bathroom counter in the morning before school, putting on my mom's makeup, so I could cover the bruises on me. I remember him having me watch him cut himself. All this while I was in

the midst of thinking, I wasn't sane, and obviously in a bad mental state. I'm sorry to jump the gun, gay, but okay, if all this is true and it looks, she sounds credible to me. Why in the world was her brother like, "Oh my sister won't talk to me. I don't know. How do I win her over?" Well, exactly. He just conveniently left out years of horrific abuse. What? This is kind of one reason I wanted to read this letter because that is, that is one big question I have about what

he was trying to do by writing in. Does he not remember? Because he wrote into theoretically get some sort of like insight from us, but it's like, "Hey, you probably know because you sexually assaulted and tried to murder your sister." What are you confused about? I'm going to, I know we're going to get emails from trauma specialists that are going to be enlightening because I'm confused. So he was told through our mother that I didn't want to see him anymore. He thought

that was mom being crazy and he was scared for me. So he took an hour long taxi ride out to our

“rural home and broken to my bedroom through a tiny window on the second floor. What the hell?”

I woke up to the sound of his hand feeling along the carpet because it was like 3 a.m. and the window was right next to the stairs. One wrong move and down the stairs he would go. Half asleep I opened my eyes and saw this figure coming into my room through a window. I didn't think a grown man could fit through. That didn't sit well with me, especially given the state I was in. No, it sounds like a zombie movie. Somebody crawling in your window and sliding on the carpet.

Also, weird choice the window. You're not just going to be like, "Hey, I'm here to check on my sister. Sorry, it's 3 a.m. I just I thought it was an emergency." Oh, that's reasonable. No, you know what I'm going to do? Break in through the second floor. What is going on here? What is happening? Less than ideal entrance as your sister's abuser and aspiring savior. This is very confusing. Yes, again, a heads up text would have gone over a little bit better. But okay,

he was trying to sneak in. I can see this story happening in my mind and it is insane. I would also argue that, in some ways, my brother was perhaps still his obsessed with me. There are three kids in this picture. My older sister, who has the same dad as my brother,

my brother and me. They are close, but my brother and I were always closer and had a stronger bond.

He used to send me poems in the mail, some of which sounded like something you would send to a long distance lover. Okay, intense. If I had to make a comparison for our relationship, I would say, "I am Olivia Benson from Law and Order SVU and my brother is William Lewis." Okay, that is a gay reference, because I have never seen those shows. I actually only know this because my friend, Brenda, directs Law and Order SVU.

So, I have started watching a little bit, and I have pieced it together. So, basically, there is this plot line where this guy, William Lewis, who is like a real monster, becomes obsessed with Mauritius Carrugade's character, Olivia Benson, and he ends up kidnapping and torturing her and it is insane. And she ends up surviving it, and she takes him down, but she is kind of like scarred forever because of this. Wow. So, quite a comparison.

“Yeah. Time to rewatch season 15. Get some second hand, catharsis, I think. So, she goes on,”

all this to say, "I didn't just cut him off because he reminded me of crazy." He was part of the

My brother and I have since reconnected. See each other again, after all these years. In fact,

he's the one who sent me the episode where you took his letter. Okay, I was wondering how she knew to write in it. I was thinking, "Oh my God, she also coincidentally listens to the show and then recognize her situation." But dude, do you realize that makes this crazier? You know what? That's a really good point because he's like, "Hey, this might shed some light on this totally confusing situation where I don't understand why you won't talk to me." I mean,

again, I am mystified. He left out all of this hugely significant stuff, the fact that he abused her, and then he sends her the episode, presumably in an attempt to rebuild their relationship.

“Perhaps? Oh, how did he think she was going to respond to that? That's what I want to understand.”

So this makes me wonder, and I feel bad because I'm like crapping on a listener here, but it makes me wonder how mentally there he is to put it bluntly. I mean, if you told a radically different story about something this formative, which given what she's been through, that's got to be creepy and retraumatizing, why would you send your sister the episode like, "Hey, hope you enjoy my story, love to be close again, give me a call. This is so bizarre to me."

I'm afraid that all of this is just further evidence that their mom did serious harm to both of them. Exactly. Clearly, man, there are so many angles here, carry on. I'm in a better place now, too. I don't hold him accountable for what he did when we were younger. If we had grown up in a healthy environment, we would have been healthy, too. If mom weren't crazy, we wouldn't have done crazy things. That's a very compassionate stance, and look, of course,

you're right, but I'm not sure I would be able to come to that conclusion if I were you, at least

“not without a ton of time in therapy. You are a very kind person.”

I'm not a scared of him anymore, either. During our time apart, I had my own experiences of crazy outside the family, and I guess that helped me build a thicker skin. I can handle more than I used to. I absolutely missed my brother, my mother, and my sister during the years I spent away from them all, but that time was necessary to process, and somewhat put all the shit I experienced during the first 16 years of my life into the background, to learn how to exist on my own, to learn that

not everyone is out to get me. Man, that's got to be quite a process. I always had to hope that one

day I could see my mom again, that we'd all get our ducks in a row, and then I'd come back, and we could be okay, but as you know, our mom has disappeared now. Gabe, again, sorry to jump in, but I'm really struck by the fact that both she and her brother still want a relationship with her mom. After everything she did to them, because, of course, it's not my mom, so it's easy for me to say, but I would just be like, "Oh my God, I never want to see this person again." You're terrible.

Another reason I thought this letter was fascinating. I think we talked about that on the earlier episode, just how strong this need for a mother must be if these kids still want her in their lives. And how complicated that relationship is with an abusive parent. Yeah. I mean, I get wanting a parent, but I mean, how do you get these ducks in a row? Now, these ducks are unrelable.

“A question of if they're even ducks in the first place. Like, that's how far gone this is.”

This is just crazy to me. In my brother's letter, he said that my leaving took a toll on her mentally. So maybe my leaving is the reason she ran away. And now my brother and sister don't have a mom anymore, either, which they deserve. I think I will carry this question, this guilt, for the rest of my life. Am I the one who ruined that for them? God, I'm so sorry. Perhaps I should have stayed for them. No, nope. Absolutely not. I am deeply

sad that you're left with this feeling. I can't even tell you. You did not make your mother run away in my friend. Your mother ran away because she's mentally ill. She's unstable. She's, she's not all there. She's fundamentally broken. Okay? I'm not not to be reductive, but she is. And you making that your responsibility to stay the obvious. That is completely unwarranted. Understandable. Yeah. But unwarranted. And I have to think it's a symptom of the trauma that you

endured. The way you and your siblings feel responsible for one another is another complicated layer of the story. In a way, it's beautiful that you guys banded together and tried your best to protect one another. But in another way, I just feel like it's late in with so much guilt and sadness and these ideas of failure that are just not yours to carry dude. They're just not. It's so sad. The adaptation makes perfect sense. I guess I'm happy they did their best for one another. Well,

I don't know about her brother, but you get what I mean. No, no, but this is something she's going to really have to unpack and put to bed at some point. So she goes on, or maybe it's self-centered

to think I was the one holding the family together. But Mom always talked about how she wanted to

leave her boyfriend. And once I left and it was just the two of them, I guess she had nothing holding her back anymore. I constantly wonder how things would be different if I had stayed. Yeah, it's not self-centered per se, but it's like a overstating her role, her agency and all this. Yeah, exactly. We talk a lot about how children, even children of relatively healthy parents,

But fall self-developing and all that. The self that becomes easiest to love and keep alive

basically. And part of that, in a case like this, has to be the idea that it was on her to basically

keep Mom and their lives. Hence the guilt. Right. The guilt is opposed to anger at this mother for not being willing to stay in their lives and treat them well. Bingo, this is one legacy of the trauma here. I also have a feeling that wondering how different leave things would have turned out if she had stayed, that might also be pointing to some grief, incipient grief on her part like exploring that thought is a way to grasp at this child that she didn't get to have. Totally. Like

in that other timeline, she gets to have a mom such as she is, if only in her mind. And what's behind that grasping? Tons of sadness. I would imagine. All of a sadness, rage, regret, poor thing to this is so intense. So she goes on, I still feel scared of everything in life. I've realized that I don't have a lot of control over what happens. So I've let go of the wheel and I'm trusting that the universe has a plan laid out for me. And I'm just living it, trusting where

the wind takes me. Interesting paradox. There are hyper-developed sense of responsibility for having broken up the family. Total relinquishment of control over the rest of her life. Yeah, that's a really interesting point. So reconnecting with my siblings right now is just meant to be. I am hopeful that the three of us will only have good things from here on out. And that together we can heal and have some sort of fun life we should have had when we were kids. There it is again. God, this is tragic.

We still have a long way to go and getting to know each other again. But at least we can start by bonding over the fact that we have a crazy mom who abandoned her kids, L-O-L. L-O-L. That did not see the coming sign. Not trying to fib or be glib, just paint your picture of my crib and why it's hard to be close with my crib, although he did help me jump ship. I was not expecting the L-O-L at the end of that. I know.

There's gotta make a hulu show starring Patricia Arquette about my family, tongue out emoji.

“Yeah, she's got, she's got to get sense of humor about all this. I have to hand it to her. I think”

this childhood. It would just bury most people. The fact that she's made it out this clear and articulate and apparently relatively stable is a miracle, so she must be very strong. Gabe, I don't even, what do I even say about this letter, dude? I don't know. I truly do not know. Dude, I just had this feeling that we should read it. I just thought we had to. I'm glad we did. There's so much in this story, but she's not asking for advice,

so I'm just thinking about, okay, what can we offer her other than Holy smokes? That was a ride. The main reason I wanted to share it is she's been through something really extraordinary and it's obviously done a real number on her and her siblings and I just

wanted to share her story first of all and acknowledge what she's been through for starters because

she's part of our showfam now in the strangest way possible, like through her brother sharing the letter and she's obviously listening and really engaging and so I just wanted to make some room to share what she's been through. For sure, I second that also, this letter sounds like an important addition or maybe correction is a better word to the original letter from her brother. Like I said at the top, it's a topic we come back to again and again, but some stories like this one really

bring it to life, like we're always hearing one side of the story in these letters and it can be very challenging to make room for other ones. Sometimes it's hard to even imagine that there could be such a different one based on what we're hearing. I'm going to remember this forever. Like as soon as we next time we hear a bizarre letter, I'm going to be like, I want to hear one of the

others. But in our defense, I could never in a million years have imagined that his sister would

“have such a wildly different story from his. I mean, I think we wondered about that when we”

heard she was speaking with him, I think we both were kind of like, oh, there's probably more going on if she doesn't want to talk with the guy who's saved her from this monster. So I guess we were onto it a little bit, but it didn't even occur to me that he did anything terrible to her other than, you know, maybe pulling her out of the family in a controlling way or something, I was really expecting it to be a lighter version of things. You know, I just need to get away from

the crazy, not like, oh, actually. Totally. And this raises an interesting question on comfortable questions, which is how do we know she's telling the truth. Now I'm all paranoid. I know, look, like you said, all of this sounds very credible. The details are so specific and I can't imagine why somebody would want to like make this up to slander her brother anonymously. No, it doesn't. Also, I should have mentioned this earlier. She included some facts that I left out

to let me know that that wasn't fact her brother. So she confirmed basically that she really is the sister and she knows him by name and other identifying details. I meant to mention that. Yeah, that's

“important. Good. I'm glad. Well, that does change things a little bit and it makes her more credible”

and we're not just getting played by somebody off Reddit or whatever. But still, if the thing we're taking away from this letter is how many stories and angles there are in any given situation, what would her brother say to all this? I mean, what would their sister have to say the other sister about their childhood? It's just sort of infinitely complex. Right. Well, like you said, I guess I just want to take this as an invitation to do exactly what you said on that episode a couple weeks ago,

room for at least the possibility of another interpretation, another theory because even when the

“person writing in is telling the truth, even when they are right, whatever that means,”

that's usually still not the full story. You know, and it's not easy to do in this format, but when we do, I often feel like we get a little bit closer to the truth, whatever that is, even if we don't know exactly how everything went down. I totally agree. The other takeaway from this letter is, man how resilient we humans can be and also how vulnerable. Yes. She survived a childhood that is frankly unimaginable, abuse of various kinds from two different family members,

temporary insanity, kind of manipulation, self-harm. I mean, my God, and she's still here wounded clearly, but alive, coherent, clear. I'm very proud of her for that. But what breaks my heart and makes me even angry are at this mother, which is a tall order, is how much grief she's carrying around this childhood and family, how badly she still wants to be connected to this disaster of a mom. And I get that, we all need that, we all deserve that. And I worry that that's

a legacy of the abuse she endured. One of the ways her mother continues to have a hold over her, both through her own efforts at control, and through our friends legitimate need for a decent mom. And I do think that's something she's going to have to explore in a more formal way one day, hopefully soon. And how you work through that exactly? I don't know, but she's got to do it. Yeah, to put this grief to bed, so to speak. Yeah, this is not a mother who deserves the name,

the label. I truly don't mean to pile on. I don't want to twist the knife in any way, but this is a mentally severely mentally ill woman who is absolutely unequipped to be a parent

“to anyone. And I think our friend here knows that, but I suspect that part of her process around her”

mom and a big part of a grief that she's probably still in the early stages of, part of that is really coming to terms with the reality of her mom's situation. Her mental health, her character, what she did to them, mourning that, which might actually be a lifelong process to some degree, and sort of locating her mother in the right place in her mind and her heart so that she could move forward and build a new life. Yeah, very well said, Jordan, and I got to say locating her mom is a

fascinating turn of phrasing context given that she's in the wind at the moment. I was about to say, she's longing for this mom and meanwhile her mom is just a wall off with some cookie boyfriend somewhere. If that doesn't say everything about whether this woman is a safe person for her, I don't know what does. Obviously, I do hope she can work with a therapist as soon as possible.

I'm just going to fall on that sword this way. I guess you fell on it first. I'll fall on it twice

again, but I think she already knows that it would be very helpful. Yeah, I don't know how you make it through life after a childhood like this without that support. This might take some time. It's probably not something you're going to do alone. So much more to say about this. We don't have a ton of time, but before we wrap, I just want to talk about this control piece. The whole, you know, let Jesus take the wheel vibe. She described. Yeah, I found that interesting. So what's

“you read on that? Is that depression, nihilism, self-protection, the symptom of trauma, what's going on there?”

Probably all of the above and more I guess. It's just this weird salad of concepts. Like, my life was crazy. Now I'm just going to let everything that chips fall with a man. I don't get I'm sure having a mother like this growing up in a house like this with all of this chaos and manipulation and uncertainty, confusion. I mean, it must really impact how you view the world. And how much power you think you have within that world, right? Like, I wonder if there's

some like learned helplessness here. This might be a little overly simplistic, but if you grow up feeling like you have no control, like what you do has no impact on, for example, how your mother treats you or how other people see you or what kinds of experiences you're allowed to have out in the world, or when you do try to change things, then you get punished or ashamed or like yelled at by a literal crazy person. I have to assume that that makes you go, well, nothing

I do matters. So I might as well do nothing and just trust that there's some plan at work that's going to sort of vaguely take care of me and I just have to kind of give myself over to that. Yeah, I can see that math. I do worry about that world view though. I worry about the outcomes. It's going to create for her. That's it's a little dangerous. I agree with that. In a way, it's kind of touching that someone this hurt can hold such a benevolent view of the universe, you know,

like in a way that might end up being a huge asset to her. So I appreciate that. But obviously that world view can lead you to some very difficult places, the path of least resistance.

You might end up involved with people and institutions that might not always have your best interest

in heart concerning. Yeah, it kind of nowhere with all to change those circumstances. I mean, this is how people end up in exploitative jobs, abusive partners, creepy, dark cults. Not saying that's definitely going to happen to her at all. But if I were her, I would definitely keep an eye on that. Keep an eye on it. Especially because she did say that during her time apart from her brother, she had, what did she say her own experiences of crazy outside the family? So yes.

God knows what those were. That jumped out at me too, man. I was thinking, okay, so more trauma happened because of, you know, crazy patterns and people and more chaos. I know she said that that helped her build a thicker skin and I believe her. But I got to wonder what kinds of people and

tolerance for adversity is obviously important and, you know, being strong, being able to cope

with these feelings. Yeah, useful and necessary. But the layers of protection, she's not to build just to get by. I assume are immense. And how all this manifests in her, what she needs to do

“to find a new story and tap into new resources inside of her. I think that's one of the strands”

of therapy that could be life-changing for her yet another reason I hope she gets there. As for your siblings, man, I don't even know what to say there. Really in light of what you've shared with us today. I do not blame you for keeping your distance from your brother just for your own sake. Although, like Jordan said, you seem to have a lot of empathy for him and I do find that remarkable. I'm just, I just wonder about it. But they've seen each other again, which has to

be intense and I can't even imagine what that meeting brought up. I'm not 100% sure I would have

even advised that. Obviously, it's her call. Of course. Siblings' sexual abuse is incredibly

traumatic and very complicated. We've learned a little bit about it from our experts over the years. It's been a very big education for us. In a lot of cases, the abuser and question is both perpetrator and victim. And that must really confuse the picture. You know, like, how angry are you supposed to be, how forgiving are you supposed to be? Is it really their fault, right? Like, do you condemn that person? Do you empathize with that person? Can you have a real relationship with

them as an adult? Like, I do not envy the person who has to sort through all of that. Yeah, dude. This is way over my emotional pay. I feel like I'm using that we're due to a lot

“because I'm, I'm on my back foot, man. This is way over my emotional pay grade. That's what it's for.”

But obviously, something a professional could help her with, a real professional. I'm not just doing not too podcast, bro's wearing shorts or whatever you got on down there in Brazil. Man, this letter just kills me. There's so much sadness here. There's so much pain. You know, there's also so much hope and potential. I'm deeply sorry. So deeply sorry for the things that you've been through my friend. I'm angry. I'm disappointed in your mom to say the least.

And I'm so confused and saddened by your brother, although I do understand, you were both victims. So my heart does go out to him, too. But mostly today, I'm thinking about you. And I thank you for writing and sharing your story with us. And I hope you know that with a lot of hard work and resourcefulness and patience, there's a lot of healing and growth you can do. You've already begun. I hope you keep going. And I'm confident that there's a very different experience of

yourself of other people and of life itself on the other side of this. Sending you a big hug and good luck. Don't forget to check out our episodes with Nicholas Niarcos on lithium and rare earth metals, as well as our skeptical Sunday on bees. If you haven't heard those yet, the best things that have happened in my life and business have come through my network, the circle of people I know like and trust. I'm teaching you how to build the same thing for yourself in our six-minute

networking course. It's free. It's not gross. No shenanigans. It's just stuff I wish I knew 20 years ago, build those relationships before you need them. Dig the well before you get thirsty folks. You can find that at six-minute networking.com. Show notes and transcripts on the website, advertisers, deals, ways to support the show. All at Jordanharbinger.com/deals. I'm @jordanharbinger on Twitter and Instagram. You can also connect with me on LinkedIn, Gabe's on Instagram. Gabe Realme is

“Raheem. If you want to feel jealous about going back to your office while he's on a beach somewhere,”

this show is created in association with podcast one. My team is Jen Harbinger, Jason Sanderson, Robert Furgity, Ian Beard, Titus Adlaskis, and of course, Gabriel Mizrahi. Our advice in opinions are our own and I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer, so consult a qualified professional before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others, share the show with those you love. And if you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who

could use the advice we gave here today. In the meantime, I hope you'll apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn and we'll see you next time. You're about to hear a preview

about the biggest threats to your health that most people never see coming from microplastics in the

brain to everyday habits that quietly chip away at your energy, focus and longevity. I think microplastics are a problem. Most people know generally what they are. I mean, these are like small pieces of plastic that come off larger pieces and they get into our bodies mostly through what we're ingesting, they're in the air as well. And so they get smaller and smaller and smaller, they're called nanoplastics. And as the smaller they get, they become more dangerous in a way because we can

absorb them easier. It's in our water sources, it's on the plants that we eat, so vegetables and fruits because it's in the soil and they get on the plants. In the plants, it's in meat, it's in every, it's all over the place. Air is a big source of microplastic pollution as well. It's getting everywhere in our organs, but dietary fiber seems to prevent absorption in a couple different ways, particularly soluble fibers for meantible fiber, prebiotics, right? Those are all sort of interchangeable

ways of saying soluble fiber. Fruits, fruits is a big one, the skins of fruits, some vegetables as well, but you can supplement with it like inulin, you know, there's a lot of these prebiotic fibers people take as well. Beta glue cans is another one. The point is, is that if there's something

these microplastics as much as they can. And the number one thing you can do is get a water filter, for sure. Air filters in your house, water filters in your house. Those are the two top things that you

can do. The reality is, is that's microplastics, it's just everywhere. Catch the full conversation

with Dr. Ronda Patrick for the science behind it all. And the practical changes that can actually make a difference, on episode 1267, of the Jordan Harbinger Show. This episode is sponsored in part by What Was That Like Podcast. If you're looking for a new show to add to your rotation, something that'll make you stop mid-dish washing and go, wait, what that actually happened, you got to subscribe to What Was That Like. It's real people

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