This is the 10% happier podcast, I'm Dan Harris.
Hello my fellow suffering beings, how we doing today.
If like me, you've got a mind that likes to marinate in what if loops, what if I panic,
“what if I always feel this way, what if I can't handle this?”
If you're prone to that kind of thinking, this episode is for you. You're about to hear a master meditation teacher, Bart Van Mellik, hold forth on how to handle these doom loops and much more. Bart also talks about forgiveness and what it actually means not to force forgiveness, how to work with boredom and meditation instead of running from it,
how to get out of your head and into your body when you feel disconnected. And he talks about a breathing technique that he uses in lots of stressful situations, including when he's in the dentist's chair. So there's a lot here. Just a little bit about Bart before we dive in here.
Bart is a guiding teacher at the Community Meditation Center in New York City. He also occasionally serves as teacher of the month over on my new ish meditation app, 10% with Dan Harris, like all of our teachers of the month, Bart will occasionally do a live session where he takes questions from subscribers. And today we're going to play you one such session.
Before we begin, I heads up that I've got two live in person events coming up. On base 17th, I'll be at the 92nd Street Y in New York City. I'll guide a meditation and take your questions. Specifically, I'll focus on how meditation can be truly helpful and not self-indulgent in these fraught times.
And then coming up on October 16th through 18th, I'll be doing a weekend event at the Omega Institute in Upstate New York. It's our annual Meditation Party. I do it with seven A.C. in Jeff Warren. It's a full weekend where we teach a variety of meditation techniques. We take your questions. We even throw a dance party.
It's a great way to deepen your practice and to get to know other people who also meditate. I will put links for both of these events in the show notes. And we will get started with Bart Van Mellik, right after this. I'm Shankar Vedantam here to tell you about a great mystery. That mystery is you.
As the host of a podcast called Hidden Brain, I explore big questions about what it means to be human. Questions like, where do our emotions come from?
“Why do so many of us feel overwhelmed by modern life?”
How can we better understand the people around us? Discover your hidden brain. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you for practicing together. A radical act of kindness. So I just want to offer some response.
It's not so much answers but responses to your questions.
And the first one is from Michelle.
So I'll just read her question to you. It's about forgiveness. The times that I find my mind. Uselessly running those old tapes is usually about an interaction with someone that calls me to know that I cannot work things out with them.
And I want to forgive them and myself so I can move on already. But I'm not sorry for the words I spoke and I don't believe I will ever be. Selfishly forgiveness is what I need for my own peace. And my course of action has been meta, which is kindness in the Buddhist language. My course of action has been kindness to them and myself.
And the question is, can you speak to this? And if there's something more different I can be doing. I'm ready for new challenges, not the same old boring ones. Thanks Michelle. I like that last piece, the not same old boring ones.
“I think it's really important to be creative in your meditation practice.”
And ultimately, the question to what practice is the best is about what works for you in that moment.
There's not one way to always address experiences because they're always changing.
And so when it comes to forgiveness in my particular experience, I've noticed that it's a process. And sometimes I try to use it as a way to get over things. Just like mindfulness. Sometimes in my practice, I have this hidden agenda like, if only I'm mindful of it, then it should go away. If only I really forgive this, I should feel better.
And so I would really kind of be careful if there is that sense of bypassing happening with this
Really heartfelt wish to forgive.
And maybe also to keep listening to these old tapes of regret. Think what this practice allows us to do is also to change our attitude to them. So if you go through meditation practices and it feels like you're reliving the same thing over and over again,
if you can do that, it's actually really powerful because it empowers you
to keep being with it. And over time, this bearing witness will move us towards a different attitude to it. And so with forgiveness, I would definitely not force it. But maybe sometimes when you see the old tape again, Michelle, and this is for all of us, notice how am I holding it and maybe something is shifted. Maybe then see if that might feel like a sense of forgiveness.
Ultimately, forgiveness is about giving up all hope for a better path.
And it's a brave thing to do.
Really give yourself time and creativity in this. Think that's really helpful and knowing you do not need to hold this alone. So really appreciating you sharing this question, Michelle. Thank you. The next question is coming from varsity.
“varsity is asking, how best should I deal with inattention and boredom while meditating?”
I've been meditating consistently since the pandemic, but sometimes I don't feel as motivated to practice as I did in those early days when everything was new to me. I think we can all relate for a see that the honeymoon phase of meditation practice will only last for a while because as the Buddha said, all things are impermanent even our initial hell, Louis Fays of meditation. I think boredom is actually really worthwhile looking into.
I used to teach a lot of young people meditation and I remember in a middle school art topic was boredom. And I remember one kid saying, I like boredom. And everybody else in a group was like, why? And he said, boredom is not that bad. It's not that stressful. I don't mind it.
“And I think that could be a great attitude actually to recognize when it's here. And then just see”
what's boredom like? And in meditation it's two really important questions. The first one is, what is this? And so you might go, huh? boredom? And then the second one is, how does it feel?
How does boredom behave? How does it manifest in my body? Those are the most important questions
in practice. Not so much, why am I bored? That can easily trigger us into a lot of more thinking. Now what I found really helpful is to see that boredom is like a wave, it comes, and it goes again. And the more you see it in your practice, the more helpful it also is in daily life. Because why do you pick up your phone or device often? Probably because there's some element of boredom. Of not really knowing what to do and then just start looking for something.
And so in practice you can actually see that your mind might start to start looking for things.
“So become curious the next time when you recognize boredom. And then just go, what is this?”
How does it feel? And notice that it's impermanent. And actually not that stressful. Thanks for that question. Oh man, I already acknowledged that I can't go through all of them, but I really appreciate sharing them. And they're really helpful to read as well. The next one is from Heidi. Heidi writes, "Please, can you help me understand better how to get out of my head and into my body?"
I'm feeling so detached and disconnected from my life and the people in it, which is a lonely place to be. Everything I'm learning through meditation is about connecting with the body, but I'm still struggling to understand what that means and how it helps. And being part of a community like this
Is a really big help and not feeling alone.
I just want to start with that last piece, Heidi. And honestly share with you that
without community, I would have stopped meditating 25 years ago. And I really love the Buddhist teachings. I'm kind of a geek in that way. And there's one passage where the Buddha is sitting next to his cousin. And his cousin, Ananda's his name was also his attendant. And he's telling the Buddha, he says, "Look at that huge group of disciples that are all doing your thing." Isn't this practice half of this life at relieving and the Buddha goes,
"Ananda, no, don't say that. Exclamation markets the whole of this practice."
Friendship and community is the whole of this practice. So Heidi, you're really pointing at something really important. Being part of community is a really big help and not feeling so long. What I've learned in community is also to listen to all the different voices and everyone is in a different social location, get very often. There is a sense of a connection somewhere. And so your question is a great act of generosity about struggling what it's like
“to really be mindful of the body. I think what could be really helpful is again to be creative.”
And what kind of activity is it easy for me to feel the body? Now remember, I was teaching in a VA hospital in the Bronx here in New York City. And one man said the same thing, he said, "When I'm sitting, I don't really feel my body that well. Can I do something else when you all do sitting meditation or do mindful chair yoga meditation?" And I said, "What would you like to do?" And he said, "Can I do mindful salsa dancing?" And then pretend is if I'm dancing with my wife.
And I asked the rest of everyone was like, "Fine, go for it." So this man is kind of doing this movements and all this stuff. But these movements he says really make me feel a sense of connection to my body. And so hiding and for everyone really, I would highly suggest finding ways to feel a sense of connection with your body and for me personally it's swimming. And I'm maybe a strange person for many of you but I swim year round outside in Coney Island
in New York City. It's really cold. But when I feel coldness, it's easy for me to feel the body.
“And it's really important to do so because in all the meditation instructions the Buddha gave”
he so often started with the body. And so Heidi, I would highly suggest what kind of activities do you do that you can easily feel that you are embodied. And another one I do, it's maybe strange but I love mindful vacuuming. And I'm really in my body. I did it before this session because then the session goes better when I'm in a clean bedroom. And so be creative and it comes to that finding ways that you can connect with your body. And also you said that you feel sometimes
disconnected. Maybe that's also the system saying like I'm overwhelmed. I'm not available right now. Maybe sometimes what kindness would do is to realize I feel disconnected even from the people close to me because I might need some time to come home to more internal awareness.
“I think that's a really important intuitive listening that the practice can give us too.”
The next one is from Anne. Hi, tips for speaking back to negative what ifs and speaking back to obsessive body scanning outside of seated meditation fuel by anxiety. What if I panic?
What if I always feel this way? What if? How can I take my meditation into this part of my life?
What Buddhist wisdom can I apply? Thank you Anne. I think that worry is such an important mindset to recognize. And in the Buddhist teachings it was
Called an obstacle to seeing clearly.
anger is that when we feel that in that moment it's hard for us to see the good in ourselves,
the good in others and the good in both. When we're not mindful so it's a powerful mind state
universal but powerful. And I like that you in your question Anne said what if? So if you catch yourself
“thinking what if, most likely what's going on is worry. And I think when you have a sense of energy,”
kindness, curiosity with you, my suggestion would be to see if you can go again, oh worry is here, worry is being known. How does the worry feel in the body? So you're ready in that way shifting a little bit from the narrative. For me for example when there's worry I feel a lot of tension around the temples, often the jaws clenched and I feel a tightness a little like right here in the chest area.
So if you have the energy and curiosity and kindness for it, explore it, just like boredom, just like any other state.
The reason why this particular bearing witness to it with kindness is so powerful
because it will empower you when it comes back again that you know, oh I've sat this through. It's still not something I really like. It feels like praying for stuff I don't want. Maybe I can be with it. That's the empowering part of practicing awareness of mindfulness.
“But I think sometimes also when you say, what if I panic and it becomes too much?”
Then what would kindness do is perhaps, and this is also from the Buddhist teachings, either act your attention somewhere else. And not like in a way that you feel like, oh I should be with the worry, no way more coming from a place of I'm too tired maybe for this. I can't hold this. Where else can I turn my attention? And the Buddha gave one specific suggestion and that is to
become mindful of your body breathing, and there's worry or restlessness. Here too, see if you can be creative. Maybe what kind of breathing has become helpful for you. And my go-to is a technique I've learned from a Tibetan Buddhist monk who's from Nepal and his name is Yonge, Min Yorampeshay. And once he came to visit a class I was teaching
of mindfulness meditation in a juvenile attention center and you know, first at the program
and then the kids ask him, "So can you also teach us a meditation?" And he said, "Sure,
“I'll teach you a meditation that I use when I'm afraid." And I remember in that particular place,”
even the guards were like, "Let's try this, we want to learn about a easy meditation that I can do when I'm afraid." And so he had us all lie down and then he said, "See if you can feel your body breathing." But he did something special. You could do it right now. See if you could pay extra attention to the out breath, feeling your body breathing out, very specifically. And then he said, "Every time you exhale, make your body a little more heavy.
It kept repeating, exhale, heavy. Exhale, heavy." And I could already feel that the environment of the whole space with the inner calm going on. You heard keys in the juvenile detention center was changing. Exhale, heavy. And then he added only one more thing. He said,
"Now with every exhale, say the word calm as if you're talking to a young child.
Exhale, heavy. Exhale, calm. Or any other word that has a soothing impact on you,
“because the exhale in and of itself is already a relaxation.”
And you could say that his simple practice like that is again a radical act of kindness, especially when you're holding that in the midst of feeling worry, feeling powerless about the news. And so sometimes mindfulness of what's really there might not be the kindest thing to do also someone shared in the questions, you know, feeling way more sensitive because of mindfulness practice and that at night maybe so activated that it's hard to fall asleep. Maybe in that moment,
mindfulness practice is not the kindest thing, but more like this restored of relaxation practices. And so now that every time I go to the dentist, I go exhale, heavy, exhale, calm. Even when I had like a serious operation, that was my go to in the midst of all the what if thoughts. And so I really appreciate you, you're bringing that in because meditation is not about getting rid of any of all these states. It's about gently empowering us to bear witness to them, to be with them
and to hold on with as much kindness and compassion as possible. And so every time you feel like your meditation doesn't feel good or you're wondering why did I do this all very normal,
but it's really helpful. So as a teacher, I always help people and even myself sometimes,
the most difficult meditations are perhaps the ones that we learn the most from, because if your meditation was always blissful, how are you going to apply this in your life? I'm aware of the time and I want to acknowledge also other time commitments that you have.
“And so I want to thank you for your presence and all the questions. If you want to stay connected”
with me, you're most welcome to join a global and local community called Community Meditation Center and of that particular community I am the guiding teacher and we meet every Sunday from 10 30 to noon Eastern. And it's all based on donation you can just join through Zoom just like this. In every month we have a theme. And we're gonna explore actually befriending difficulty like worry that you share with us and so you're most welcome to join and just lastly I want to
share the merit with you all of our time together. This radical act of peace revolution
coming together in community. And just first one and write you again to drop the
“question and see what arises. What would kindness do right now? What would it do for the body?”
How would kindness hold your mind state? Kindness is the greatest protection in the entire world. And community is the whole of this practice.
[Music]
So may your time together be a cause and condition for inner peace and for much needed outer peace.
“May there be peace. May there be peace. May all beings be liberated.”
Thank you good people. And thank you everyone at 10% happier for this experience it was quite lovely.
Be well.
“Thanks again to Bart. He did a great job with that. If you like what you heard and you want to”
participate in one of these sessions you can sign up for my new act over at DanHarris.com. We do these sessions every week. Meditation and then take your questions. We also have a growing
“library of guided meditations from world class teachers like Bart to Jeff Warren, seven ice”
lassie, Joseph Goldstein and more. If you sign up you also get ad free versions of this podcast. There's a whole lot going on over there. And if you can't afford it just let us know and we'll
give it to you for free. Finally, thank you so much to all the people who work so incredibly hard
to make this show. Our producers are Tara Anderson and Eleanor of Silly are recording and engineering is handled by the great folks over at pod people. Lawrence Smith is our managing producer, Marissa Schneiderman is our senior producer, DJ Cashmere is our executive producer at Nick Thorburn of the band Island's Rope R theme.
