Bert's Not Dead | 2 Bears, 1 Cave - Free Transcript | 2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

[MUSIC]

Let me tell you something. I'm going to be real, okay? We all grew up in McDonald's. McDonald's fucking rocks. McDonald's is awesome.

But I'm going to be really honest, McDonald's big Mac. There's signature sandwich does not hold a candle to a water which is or to a baconator. And that is fucking facts. Wow.

Okay. Yeah, we did a taste test here in the thing. McDonald's cheeseburgers, McDonald's fries are tops. No one's ever going to beat McDonald's fries.

“I was going to say, because I think every anyone's opinion becomes invalid”

if they start putting other fries above Mickey D's fries. It's impossible, it's impossible. McDonald's and piping hot, by the way, piping. I want it to burn me. I want it to burn my fingers and I want my mouth.

In the crazy how your fingers will burn harder than your mouth. If you touch a hot wing, you're like, oh, those are hot, but then you put your mouth like, it's not that bad.

Well, I actually finally go, okay, ready to go through brands.

Buffalo Wild Wings or Hooters. Wild Wings. You'd go for Hooters? No, I'm going to tell you. I just think that I haven't had either in a while.

Oh, I said Buffalo Wild Wings almost every weekend. No, it's a weekend treat. Oh, I did it. I do it. So I do it so often.

It's fucking crazy. I have gone to Buffalo Wild Wings. The last time I went and I was like, you know, they have all that. They're like, there's 30 different flavors. I'm like, I guess I'll get all 30.

And then I realize, oh, I have 300 weeks and it's way too much. Buffalo Wild Wings has cro-- so Hooters leaned into like sex. Yeah. And then football was secondary, but it was sex. And you're supposed to like Google the chicks.

And they were mid. Did you? I used to work with a guy in post production that I couldn't believe it. He was just like, yeah, I go to Hooters all the time and I was like, oh, really? He's like, I can't.

But like, one of the girls there likes me and I was like, really?

He's like, yeah, she's always like happy to see me and I was like, oh my god, this is so

sad. Let's go together. I want to see this. I remember going to Hooters, we went to Hooters every Monday night in college. For Monday.

For what? For Monday night football. Monday night football and a scalp owner's meeting. Okay. Every Monday night.

We went to Hooters every fucking Monday night. And I love Hooters. I love their breaded wings. Yeah. The wings are breaded.

Shrimp Poppers are amazing. They're their grouper sandwich. One of the two best grouper sandwiches I've ever had in my life. Honestly. I love a black and grouper sandwich.

Did you go to Outback Statehouse, too? Fucking love, Outback Statehouse. I used to go so much. Do you remember when they still around? Are they still around or have they gone like, thanks?

They're still around, please. They still around. But they have to have less locations, right? I feel like I don't see as, when ever since all of these kind of dropped off, after fucking talking about that, that was their big, like, shoe in the door was like, crocodile

eat. You don't call that a life. You're like, oh, you're a steak. Well, another shrimp on the Bob. There's so many people in America that believe.

That Outback Statehouse is a direct representation of Australian lifestyle. Oh, yeah. Dude. Do you remember. There's on the floor.

Two dishes. Two signature dishes that I remember seeing for the first time in my life. Oh my God. Hold on. I just remembered too, that eating myself sick on a blooming onion.

The blooming onion. The fucking, the first time you saw blooming onion. And then some a while later, there was data about what it is, colorically.

“And they're just like, you should just hang yourself if you're going to eat this.”

Pull it up. A blooming onion. Love it. Coward. Is a death bomb.

I mean, I mean, I'm eating six a month. It's so bad for me. But night after I lost my virginity, I went, it's 800 cowards. Now for the smaller portion. We're the 1900.

Out. That's a days' worth of eating. Wait, what else is there more nutritional facts underneath that if you hit that? Yeah. 55 to 155 grams of fat, 1,800 milligrams of sodium.

And you're like, put it in the bed. But night after I lost my virginity. Oh my God. I went to dinner with my, the girl I lost my virginity's parents. Yeah.

We went to outback steakhouse.

And I'd never seen a blooming onion before.

And I, an entire blooming onion. And I remember her dad going, he's taken an onion. Yeah. He's like an actual onion. Yeah.

That's nice too. It's pretty crazy wig for me. I learned an important lesson. And I hope they can't sue me for this. I think it was statute of limitations if I run out.

But in the 90s, probably like 96, 97, I went to outback steakhouse. And I've learned, I feel like it's kind of a life thing now.

“But if you're going to a steakhouse, you should stick to steak.”

Yeah. And I went there and I got lobster. And I got a bacterial infection that took me down for over a week and it was during the

School year.

I missed over a week of school. I called my history teacher because a paper was due. And I told him I was any hung up on me. He hung up on me because I think he thought I was just trying to buy time. Yeah.

And when I showed up at school, like the whatever, like the week and a half later, I had lost like 17, 19 pounds and he was like, oh, he's like, I guess you're really worse, sick. I was like, yeah, man. And it was all from getting, see, shellfish, whatever, add a steakhouse.

So now I never ordered that shit.

It was traumatizing. If you're going to steakhouse, get a fucking piece of meat. Yeah. Yeah. Get a piece of meat.

I can't even stay right now. What? So what is going on? You're like, I can't have any. I got a blood clot.

My leg. I got into my lungs. Yeah. I'm drinking for six months. Six months?

Yeah. We'll talk about later. The second dish I ever remember witnessing presented that leaves an indelible mark to my, my psyche. Yeah.

Is the first time I saw a fucking fajitas? You were like, oh, I was like, this is what they're doing south of the board. Years old and nine years old. Yeah. It was at a bed against.

Yeah. And I heard. Shh. What are the back like? What the fuck?

A sizzling place and steams coming around and I was like, oh, fuck something's on fire. And then they come around the corner and I remember he came around my back and I was like this and I looked at it and I went, what's that? And my uncle who'd hung out of bed against a lot was like, hey, he does.

And I was like, oh, my dad goes, you can fucking forget about it. You're not getting that shit. You're going to burn your goddamn face. My uncle who hung out at bed against a lot.

“That's what I was hung out of bed against a lot.”

My uncle's used to be fun after all. It's now they're just, now they're none of them drink. Really? None of them. - They're all like my mom's age, like 60's.

My mom's 77 and probably 77 to probably 59. - That's a big gap. - Yeah. - Spread out. - Yeah.

I feel like that's, I don't know, with all the fucking non-drinking I'm doing. I feel like I, I don't know. - Yeah. - I don't know.

I don't know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. - What the fucking, no. - They're gonna say. - I should think it's funny.

How we, there's never any more the unanimous verdict

on anything health-wise. I mean, even as something like, you know, like we've gotten peptides from these guys before. And I've gone from like, I've start with one and maybe I go with another one.

The other one's like, so you're doing it like three times week, 30 units and I'm like, no, he's like, what are you doing? Well, that doctor said he goes, oh, that's totally wrong. So there's not like a consensus on this. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - The best is, I remember telling Joe about how much testosterone I was taking, he was like, the fuck? I was like, yeah, what do you take? He goes half of that and I was like, huh?

- Really? - And he was like, what the fuck dude, that's too much.

“And I was like, that's what I was told to take.”

- Yeah. - That's what I'm saying, doctor. - The same doctor. - My, my, I think my testosterone levels were like crazy, though. - Yeah.

- But I don't know. I don't know. The road so fucking much that all I can do is trust it. So you don't make pills on one a day? - I'm gonna say I'm on probably about 30 pills a day.

- Really? - Motron, Tylenol, blood thinners. These, it's all four motron, two Tylenol, two blood thinners. Blood pressure medicine, that's three with blood thinned with a, yeah, aspirin.

I've got vitamins, right? I don't know if that's all, I've got an AD plus. And no, I guess I'm one of like 15, 16 mat pills a day. Oh, and then I've been, I've been, I have a subtle addition to Benadroll.

- To blind down. - Dude, Benadroll is better than salmers. - Benadroll's pretty great. - Sleep great, but you breathe amazing. - Breathe?

- Yeah. - Because it opens you, yeah. - Oh, it opens you up. (laughs) - You sleep like Darth Vader.

- You sleep with a mask? - No, I mean, we're just like a mask like this. - No, but not a breathing mask. - No, no, no. - I thought you had a CPAP.

- No, I don't believe in it. - You don't believe in it. - No, I don't believe in it. I don't believe in it. I don't believe in it.

I don't understand.

- I just, I've never heard anyone describe it as a belief system.

- Yeah, I don't believe in it. No, okay, let's, let's okay. Now I know I'm a fucking idiot, okay? I get it, let's walk it backwards. - Okay.

- Imagine 20 years ago someone said to you, you know, big farm is out to kill us. You be like, you mean, my doctor is out to kill me. - Yeah. - And then it comes out and you're like, oh, your doctor gets kicked back, based on what pills he subscribes.

- Right. - For prescribes. And you're like, oh shit. And you're like, wait, they didn't need to give me ox cotton. My uncle didn't need to get ox cotton from falling at work.

- Cause they're amazing.

“- And that's what they did is they did that.”

Now, there is a sleep apnea sheen is amazingly expensive.

It's in the sheen, it's more than a pill.

- Yeah, for sure. - And there's a huge upcharge.

“And so I believe it is in the benefit of the doctors”

case to say, you need a sleep apnea machine. Let me send you to my sleep study guy. He gets kicked back from the sleep study guy. Who? No sleep study guy. I would, I would, I would just please tell me

if you've ever gone to sleep study and they go, actually, you're not that bad. You don't need one.

Never has a sleep study guy said, no, no, no, you're perfect.

- To play devil's advocate, I have seen one time Liam posted a video of you. - Okay, go ahead. - I might have, I might have sleep apnea. - So, but I just, I go, I haven't died yet.

- Oh, a sleep really good. - You do sleep really good? - I'm really good. - In 98% of my, oh my, how many hours do you normally sleep? - About nine to 10.

- Seriously? - Dead sleep. - Damn. - Dead sleep. Dead sleep.

I'd be going to sleep somewhere because I'm not partying. So, I go to sleep so fucking early. If I'm on the road, dude, if I'm on the road, I go to sleep at like, I get off stage at 9.30. We all hang out, pull it shit until 11 bus calls at midnight.

We all get on the bus early. I get to my bunk, I get to my bed early. And I sleep dead until like, I'll sleep 12 hours on the road. - Yeah.

- Really? - I sleep incredibly. And if you put me on a bed of drill,

that was jealous, that's amazing.

- Dude. - That is amazing. - Are you expired by the drill? - Nice. - Don't give a fuck.

- Dude, Axis, I took an Axis. The only, (laughs) - Did you take those blue pills I gave you? - Yeah. - Yeah.

- Or the what we thought we were? - Yeah, they work. - Yeah. - They're not dick pills. - I know it sounds like it, but they're even better.

The only thing at the Axis, I don't shit for like two, three days. - That's the big thing about opiates. - Who is the one who's fucking colon rupture? Matthew, Matthew, the guy from Harry?

Matthew Perry ruptured his colon from shit. - Oh my god. - Google Matthew Perry ruptured colon. - Oh man. - Because it was taken so many pain pills,

he couldn't shit and they couldn't get an out of him

and it ruptured his colon and exploded inside of him and gave him sepsis. - That's what I did. - And no, he died in the fucking hot tub. - Oh my god.

Did he die in 2018? Is that long ago? - Oh, nearly died in 2018. After his colon burst. Oh my god.

“- Dude, that's why you stay away from fucking pain pills.”

- I know, I don't have many more. I haven't asked for any more, but shit. That's horrible. I get it. When I was in the hospital and they were giving me

like the real stuff, I didn't ship for a week and they were like, do you wanna try, do you want us to give you like what is it? It's a positive story. Today or do you wanna wait a few days

and you just see what happens? I was like, let's start today, it's been a week. Let's start today. - Yeah. - And then the, then sludge just kind of came out of me,

but it backs me up completely. - Really? - Yeah, yeah. - I shit's on Menjara or just (coughs) - Really?

- It's, I sit down on the toilet and I give it a little boy. - How much are you down? - Right now I'm 235. - You've been melting away.

- Yeah, well, it's, I don't think it's healthy. Like I'm not, I don't feel good. Like, I'm not, I'm not a spokesman from Menjara. I'm really not. - Yeah.

- It works.

“But like, I think most people like I had a friend”

that I hosted New Year's Eve with, I won't just say his name, but I don't want to out him do the leg working and figure it out. And he was like, yeah, I tried that shit. He was like, I felt like I had a low grade flu.

I go, yeah. He was like, I like that. And I was like, I think that's the way the pill works. The shot works. He was like, you feel sick?

And I go, yeah, you feel like you have cancer. And he was like, (coughs) And he goes, you like that? And I go, no, I fucking hate it. - So how long will you stay on it?

- I guess forever I'll just feel like I'm sick. (laughing) I don't know, I mean, we put, at January 1st, we put my go away of like, you know, trainer looks at it and he's like 220 pounds.

And I'm like 15 pounds away from it. And we're right around the corner and he's like, okay, hold on, this is by the end of the year. We got to slow down. He's a re-eating and I was like, no.

And he was like, like, the only things I can need is going to sound so fucking ridiculous. The only things I can need are these protein shakes. - Right. - I drink one of those a day.

And then I can, (laughing) Italian stops (laughing) and don't let it go. - Don't it's a good, this upcoming segment is brought to you by I'm Pepsi.

- Did you see the Super Bowl? Do you know that every year, I tell myself that like, you know, I think I'm over like the big ad thing of it all. - That's totally the reason I watch Super Bowl.

- And then I'm turned into somebody who goes, like I'll be like, oh, it's a commercial. I know it's like some crazy commercial, but I'm just gonna dip out and then I just start walking out of the room

and I'm like, this is a pretty rag commercial. - Can you tell you what's crazy? - Yeah. - So I let and all her friends in art school.

- Yeah.

- And they watch the Super Bowl. They watch it just for the ads. - So many people do and every time it happens, I'm like, really, you just watch it for the ads and then you're like, I'm mesmerized by this app.

- I know. - I like called me. I look, first of all, I let has been the main stay of Pepsi in our family. - Really?

- I don't know if that's why I think she's most like Donald and Red Grant. - That's the zero sugar one. - The zero sugar, yeah. Well, I gotta do zero sugar.

And you know, I don't know if it's like conversation we have with Donald. - That was a mate, that was fascinating. - That was the most fascinating, insightful commercial or conversation with Donald.

But I love what I told her about that conversation because it's got more flavor. It's got way more flavor than it's got way more flavor. It's so much more enjoyable. - How is that?

- That's the zero sugar. - This is the zero sugar, it's fucking awesome. It's absolutely.

“Dude, we've done some as a guy, not drinking right now, right?”

- Yeah. - I'm on the wagon. When I get on a plane and I'm gonna sip on something, I'm keeping it. - That's okay, another one, fine.

- When I got on a plane, I'm gonna sip something. - Yeah. - Always die, Pepsi. - Pepsi is zero, really. - But the Pepsi is zero sugar, if they don't have it.

- No. - I like to do that. - You know, you can throw a fit if you're not drinking. You can give a matter to two if you're not drinking. You guys have Pepsi's zero sugar and they're like, no.

And then you go, never mind then.

And they're like, can I get something else? I go, I guess I'm not drinking today. - How bad a cup of ice and I'll throw it at you. - Try that with a beer. Do you have a beer?

No, we're not serving it. - Then fine, I'm not drinking, and then you are mad at your problem. - Yeah, but I'll call me, she goes, I told you. I told you, you said commercial dad and I go, yes, I did. She goes, dad, I told you and then I showed up

today to work and the fridge was stacked with them.

“And I was like, I was like, Kyle, did you get Pepsi's zero sugar?”

She goes, I did, she goes, did you get a call for my life? I go, did I look all you? I was the biggest Pepsi's zero sugar fan in the fucking world. Pepsi is I was brand and she doesn't live in Pepsi country. - Yeah.

- I can't tell everyone where she lives, but she does not live in Pepsi country. - She doesn't. - She doesn't. She is an outlier.

She's like driving a four-druck in Texas. And that crazy that there's parts of this country that the people, yeah? - Subscribe to certain things. - I know.

And I'll say this, whatever part that does taste better than Coke Zero, it does, it tastes better. Do you remember the Pepsi challenge in the '80s? Do you remember the course of course?

That was amazing how branding was so simple.

Was it because there wasn't that many, it was all about the TV spot, that's the thing. There was the only thing that mattered. It was the TV spot. And then now Super Bowl, they're laying in like, it was pretty direct

what they were doing, it was pretty cool. But I also love, I love when the big companies that compete go at each other, it's fun. - I love when big brands go at it with each other. - I love it, I want more of it.

- I love it. - And I love it when, and I mean this for real, when the so-called underdog takes a shot at the big dog. That's, you respect it. If they take a swing that really goes for it,

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(bell dings) - Can I tell you something? - Yeah. - I know we're not spending a lot of time around each other now, right? We're both very busy, a lot of stuff going on.

I understand that. You've got a croissant shop, you've got a new series you're in production for. Your schedule, your dance cards crazy. I won't, I'll just tell you,

I have a crazy schedule also, but I also purchased a donut shop. - You purchased a donut shop? - Yeah, because that's what keeping up with the Joneses. - Wait, because I haven't, - Is you have a croissant shop?

I bought a donut shop. - Where is it? - I'm going to tell you. - Why? - 'Cause it's, well it's right around the corner. - Okay. - I thought they were Vietnamese and Sandra went and talked to them.

Turns out they're Cambodian. - Okay. - But the sales pending, they make, here's a deal. The donuts are fucking average, but they make the best fucking Cambodian sandwiches.

- This is your pitch to your fans. - Look, the donuts look donuts in LA suck, okay? - Really? - 100%. I'll tell you why. Got any Mr. Donut came into LA in like the '70s, right?

- Yeah. - He's like Mr. Chang from the hangover. - Is that right, can you Google a Mr. Donut?

“- I remember that Woodland Hills place that was so good.”

- So, this is my goal, okay? So, Mr. Donut, Los Angeles, is that his name? No, that's Mr. Donut. What's the donut, man? Can you just find that there's a documentary on a Vietnamese guy, or an Asian guy who came to LA in the '80s?

And what he did is, he decided he'd start opening donuts shop. So I watched the documentary, it was pretty fascinating. - Yeah. - But he was like rings and like fancy suits and it's a Japanese guy. And so, I'll just tell you the story and it may not be right.

- Okay. - So he comes to LA and he just starts buying up little areas that are going to make donut shops and then going back to his home country and saying, "Hey, I can bring you to this country

"and get you a workpiece, I can get you all of it." "You gotta work my donut shop." And I'll let you buy into my donut shop, I'm gonna own this space, but you can franchise out. And then he said, "I'm gonna build the factory

"that does all the cream fillings, all the jelly fillings, "all the glazing, it's gold." - Yeah. - Ted, no, no, no, no, no. - Sandra, how do you say that? - It's Ted, no. - Ted, no, no.

And so, he then, so he is the reason that all of our donuts in Los Angeles are kind of average, because he supplies all the goods to all the donut shops,

All the donut shops, it's so easy for them

just to get the average filling. So if you go to Dunkin' Donuts, the raspberry filling is textured, it's a jelly, it's not a jam, it's a jelly, it's like textured. And because that is the donut that Dunkin' Donuts,

that's the ingredients they send out. He is in charge of all the donuts in LA, so I've been all the donuts in LA. - But they're definitely all the donuts in LA. - Okay. - The mom and pop shops,

you see off to the side, they have the ones. - They have the niche ones, so I think.

Here's what I think, right?

I go, you open a croissant shop, I go, I gotta do something, I gotta think. - You're so funny about that. - But it's the fun of the game day, and it's not about fucking making money,

it's about fucking having fun with it. So I said to Sandra, I got this place,

“and I think there's a couple, so I'll just say it,”

USA donut, leap it out if we need to. So right around the corner, and I like the ladies at work there, right? But it was more important. They're attention to detail on breakfast sandwiches and after noon sandwiches,

ridiculous, it's through the fucking roof. You go to get one of their just to an average club sandwich, and they, their pickles are carved like vise in the center, because they're attention to detail, because their Asian is so perfect.

- Just because they're Asian, but yeah, it is, because they don't fucking slack. - Yeah. - Asians, take shit seriously. - Yeah, yeah.

- So then I go in, and I talked them a little bit.

I was like, "Oh, cool, they're Vietnamese.

I sent Sandra in, Sandra's like they're not, they're Cambodian." I was like, "Zer difference, she goes huge, fucking difference." They tried to kill my people when I was like, "What?" And she was like, "I don't know if I fuck them." And then she starts yelling at them, and then they go,

"All right, here's the deal." I wanna buy the shop, right? I wanna put my name up there. I wanna be, I'll be part owner with them, 'cause they, right, part owner with them.

I don't wanna change a fucking thing except for the donuts. I wanna find a supplier that makes great donuts. So we upgrade the donuts, keep the sandwiches where they are. Upgrade the donuts, and make high end fucking donuts. - I don't know price, right?

- Yeah. - And they look authentic, like I know you brought that guy, this isn't like Italian or something, and I'm gonna tell everyone I brought these Vietnamese or Cambodian ladies in, from Cambodia, they're donut makers.

That's where all, you know, 'cause a French took over Cambodia or is it Vietnam doesn't matter. We're gonna just tell people they're Vietnamese. I think it's easier that way.

- Yeah, stories a little bit. - They'll probably like it.

- Yeah, yeah. So yeah, it's right around the shop corner. I should have gotten you a sandwich, so you could taste one, they're saying. - And you get this, you're gonna call it like "Burts."

- I may keep it at USA donuts for a little bit, you know? And then pop out with. - So you're like, "I'm buying this, but you guys are partners." That's kind of thing. - We haven't worked it out.

There's English isn't great, so. - But there's a sale pen. - I was really hoping there was a, right now, okay, let me tell you where we're at, Legitically right now, right now we're at,

you can be the spokesman for our donut shop. - And then we'll give you free donuts.

“- That's what we're at right now, we'll remember.”

- I got to say this bro, I fucking love donuts. Dude, I love donuts. - I love great donuts. - Okay, we're talking about brands. - Yeah.

- Let's talk about the best donut brands. Now, okay. - Okay. - See, 'cause for me, I remember living with Lin Hills and I think it's "Wentials" and I loved their donuts.

I loved their donuts. And then there's a, there's Voodoo, which does like these really like elaborate, creative ones. - Voodoo, Voodoo, I thought some really good donuts from that. - Can I give Voodoo a note?

Just one note. - Yeah. - Can you go half as big on your donuts? 'Cause one of your donuts is a meal for me. - Yeah.

- And I wanna have a couple different donuts. - Is this minjaro speaking or burnt? - This is burnt, 'cause I could fuck up their donuts, but one donut's got like a piece of bacon and a pretzel. - Yeah, yeah.

- There's a lot of shit on it. - And I was like, and the one guy with the guy with the stick in his heart, you know? They're awesome, I just, if you, I don't go to a donut, I just have to get one donut.

- I wanna get 12, I wanna eat 12. - Yeah. - And you can't eat 12 Voodoo donuts. And they're great donuts. - There might be best donuts out there.

Chain wise. Chain wise. By the way, there's one great donut shop, right where Georgia used to go to school, right by your old house, right by your old house.

- Yeah. - It wasn't my tools. It was Korean, but the Koreans there? - No, no, they're white. - Really?

- Yeah, they're white. - Lights. - Yeah. - Okay, what's better. John can donuts?

Krispy cream. - Okay, so for me, Krispy cream is just about one donut. It's about just their signature donut. Whereas, like, you know, the Krispy cream hot now,

“hot now, whatever it's glazed, yeah, that's how I,”

that's how I think of Krispy cream. Duncan donuts for me is about a little more variety. So it's like, if you're digging that Krispy cream glazed classic, don't, don't, don't, don't get it doesn't classics. Then you go there.

I do find that in my mind, I'm like, I'm gonna eat six of these. And if I have a Krispy cream one, I'm like, this is so sweet that it takes me down. So saying one or the other, it really becomes about

what you're in the mood for, what you, you know what I mean? Like that hot and ready thing is pretty crazy, though.

- So I was, 'cause--

- I was a hate Duncan coffee. So many people in my mouth. - Oh my god. That's the exact opposite. I was gonna say the exact fucking opposite.

- I hate it. - I grew up in Tampa, Krispy cream was our donut. That was like, we had a Krispy cream there. I remember when Krispy cream-- - Really?

- Is that a, but is that a california? - It's a southern thing. - Krispy cream, where does Krispy jamer jays? - What's the, yeah, what's the headquarters? - We're worried about it.

- By the way, any of these brands want to work with us. We are willing. I know we're, we're not putting out as many of the episodes, but we'll put out more of Krispy cream comes out. - North Carolina is our headquarters.

- That is our headquarters. - Is that where it started? Earlier it's on. In Kentucky? - Yeah.

- Well, they had a small story in Kentucky. And then, - We're called to Nashville. - And open his own store in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. I had no idea.

The first crew, so you came open in Ohio.

In Aquino, Ohio. - The growth. - Expansion occurred, opening in in Savannah in the southeast. So it is like a southeastern thing. I had no idea.

- We used to get Krispy cream in Tampa.

“I wish I could remember anyone from the Jersey Shore.”

I remember one place where you've got donuts as kids, where they made them there. - Yeah. - And they, all they made was cinnamon sugar. - And they, it was a car,

I wish I remember the fucking name of this place. And they were cinnamon sugar. And they just made them for you. You go, I like it doesn't notice. And then they make, I don't notice for you,

dip 'em in the oil, sugar them. And then they put them in a brown bag. And by the time you got back to the beach house, we were kids. We were really little kids.

The bag was wet with grease. - Dude, I remember, I have such a vivid memory of the first time hanging out with you. Was at the beach house in Tampa. You had to get up to do press.

And you came back and you brought donuts. I don't remember they were from. - It's brought donuts. - It's the greatest thing to show up in the morning with. - Yeah.

- Owners use the forced labor in Nazi Germany. (laughing) - Owning the controlling sake of Krispy cream, as well as insomnia cookies and frittamol shay. One of the wealthiest families in Germany admitted in 2019

that they profited from forced labor during World War II, New York Times reported the two men who ran the family business in the 30s and 40s. Albert, Ryan and senior in his son, Albert. Junior actively participated in the abuse

of their workers. That's pretty cool. - That's a kind of a cool thing.

“I think I wanna check out Krispy cream today.”

- Yeah. - That's neat. - So I was Krispy. - I love his.

- I was a writer-dive Krispy cream always.

And when they moved to the, I remember when they opened a New York they'll be lined. - Fucking, the guy donated to the SS. (laughs) That's a crazy detail.

- Jesus. - I would love some Krispy cream Nazi memorabilia. - That'd be pretty cool. - Yeah. - Like Krispy, but it's like, it's like the swastika in the SS.

- That's pretty cool. - SS, Krispy. I guess we lost that loss and I grew up responsibly. But I was a writer-dive Krispy cream. Look at the Krispy cream club.

Oh my God. KKK Wednesdays. - Check out the, the Boston Globe published in Oracle said, I found out Nazi money is behind my favorite coffee. Should I keep drinking it?

(laughs) - How did Krispy cream turn into this fucking KKK Wednesdays? It's nuts. That's pretty cool. - I was a Krispy cream writer-dive.

I remember when they opened a New York. - Yeah. - And like in like 29, 98, there was a line down the street to get Krispy cream donuts. Everyone was losing a mind.

And by the way, this is during the Ackens phase. - When everyone was doing that Ackens side. - Yeah. - Ackens bacon, steak, burgers. - Yeah.

- And I was a writer-dive Krispy cream. And then when I started touring, I toured the Northeast. And I fell in love with the way Boston people, like New Hampshire, New England people. - Yeah.

- But our writer-dive friend, they love it. - Yo, Duncan's kid. You getting Duncan's. - Yeah, they love it. - And the, and the Casey Affleck videos,

his videos on SNL were fucking, - Have you ever seen those? - Yeah, I've seen those. - There's just so fucking funny. And then I went, and I, and I was at Tallahassee.

And I was, first time back in Tallahassee. And I was like, up early, I didn't give a fuck about diet at all then. And I was like, I need something, I'm hungry. And Tallahassee added Duncan donuts.

And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna get a couple of Duncan donuts. And I'm gonna get a coffee, and I fell in love with their fucking coffee. Big iced coffee, come on. - I never liked that.

I always thought they put way too much milk.

“And then I go, hey, can I just get a little bit of milk?”

And they'd be like, you mean like a quart or something? And I'm like, no, just fucking just dash it. And I just, I never was a fan. - What, I got a stop, I'm in Austin in a couple days. I got it, you're not there.

I got to go into Cheejo Pongbo. - You have to. - I have to. And you got to get everything, dude. - I'm gonna fucking make it rain.

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Hey, do you ever get my Christmas present? Have you ever been home? Have you ever been home? Have you ever been home? Have you ever been home?

Fuck. Did we send it? I got a Sarah. Really? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, it's told you about it. No? Okay.

Pretty cool. I think so. I would love to find out. Do you have any questions? I don't know.

I don't know. I would love to find out. Do we tell you what it is? It's further off, it's really. Sure.

It's, uh... Can you just pull it up? Do you guys know what it is? Diver, uh... [laughs]

We're going to the casino and you see the place where you drop the quarter in,

“and it falls in, and then it pushes all the quarters off the ledge?”

Yeah. I got you one of those. Really? Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's pretty off.

That's how much fun is that?

That's really fun. Yeah, now they're definitely not going to work. [laughs] Yeah. I was like, how much fun are those?

Wouldn't it be great to have one in your house? And then I was like... Clean pusher. Yeah. That's red.

Do you know what I got from me? What? A claw machine. With the... Yeah.

My boys are obsessed. Ellis is good at it. I went to, I've been to multiple arcades where we're in the arcade and you kind of like, you know, I'm going to go to play this one.

And like 20 minutes later, I run into Ellis and he has like six things. He's like, "Yeah, I got this from the claw machine." I'm like, "How the fuck?" And I've watched him do it. He's good.

Dude, uh... I got a claw machine and what I was going to do, I'm not home. I've been home and fucking forever. So I haven't had time to set it up.

“And I mean, I think this is everyone's hyperware.”

Both of us are cutting back on everything. A little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We apologize. We will step it back up when we get a chance. But right now, it's just not feasible. Listen. We have a huge announcement, and I want to say this while you're listening.

Yes. Saturday, May 9th, at the Rose Bowl, in Pasadena, California, during Netflix as a joke festival, me, Tom, and it's because I don't know. Jelly roll will be doing the five.

Two bears. Two bears. Two bears. Okay. It's back.

This is the third year in a row, right?

Yes. The third year in a row. It's on a Saturday, which means you can come. Poor Osiris will be there. There's going to be activations.

There's going to be vendors. We're going to announce all of that. All levels are welcome to run. And it jelly rolls down. I think three hundred and seventy five pounds or something.

And, and he, I, I, I found out mistaken. I think he said the next two bears. Five k's at he's taking his shirt off. He did say that. He said that last at the last one.

And he looks great. He should be your inspiration. The first time we did it in Pasadena.

“The two bears five k was jelly's first five k.”

We crossed the line. Me, him, Lee, and him, bunny. And he was crying. And he said, this is the change I needed. I need you to hear this if you're overweight.

This is the change I needed. And bunny looked at me and gave me a hug. She asked you might have just saved his life. From that day to today, you look at how his life. He has lost two whole humans.

It's crazy. And, and, and that if you are overweight and you're in the count of. If you're married to someone overweight in your in the California area. Anywhere. It, it, it, it fucking.

Rancho Cucamanga. Make the drive in that Saturday and challenge yourself. Start training right now. Challenge yourself together. Start with walks.

Start walking. And by the way, walk it. If jelly sees you, he'll dab you up and give you some love. Tom's going to have his head sets on. He's trying to look for a personal best.

You're running at twice this year. I heard. And I'm, I am going to try to. I don't know what my goal time is yet. I have to figure out.

I mean, obviously trying to beat my previous times. But yeah, I'm trying to do a personal best. I heard. And I'm not saying, I won't speak for him. Jelly rolls running at twice.

I'm running at twice. Tom's running at twice. Fine. It's going to be fucking great.

“And if this, but the first one, we're going to go for it, right?”

Yeah. Oh, we're no one. We're no one. By the way, I'm not even fucking around. Jelly rolls running a faster 5k than I am right now.

Really? He is. His thing is he, his, his mind over matter. He gets on there and starts running. He feels no pain.

He feels no suffering. He just pushes it. He just goes hard. It's fucking, by the way. No shit, he's, his legs are much stronger than mine.

And I think he's lighter than I, I was when I was at my fattest. He's like 260. I was 275 when I started losing weight. When I did the last fucking, two bears 5k, I was 265. He's lighter than I am.

That's incredible. It is actually the coolest thing to, is like, it, you really feel a sense of community at this thing. And I, and I, I didn't know that that was going to happen, but you really feel the energy of everybody there.

And everybody's so, just, like, positive and happy to be there. I tried to make a joke before we ran the temple one. I was like, why the fuck are we here? You know? Like, can't believe we got up early to do this.

And everybody was like, huh? I was like, oh, okay, just kidding. Let's go run. Yeah. People are so enthusiastic and positive.

And you feel it when you're doing it. And if you're like, I'm going to get, you know, stuck behind. I'm going to struggle having a community with you. It helps you run through this thing, man. It really does.

It really does. You'd be shocked how much faster you run when you're running. And I tell you, this is the key.

Always find a great chicks asked to run right behind.

Yeah. And it, and it makes it so enjoyable. Yeah. So I, I did it with the N next to me last year. And I was like, look at her ass.

It's perfect. Yeah. And I was like, what about mine? I was like, well, that's where the guy behind you. Yeah.

So I have to slow and down. You get more info at 2bearers5k.com. Sign up. Challenge yourself. Challenge yourself.

Get yourself healthy. It's really fun, man. We should also say that in addition to, like, just to let people know. The activations are super fun. There's always, like, games and there's recovery people there.

And there's music and there's drinks and there's food.

Like, it's a fun event.

It's not just run.

It's a whole event that is a blast to be at.

And I will say this. And I'm, I'm backtracking a little bit. I know that you probably may be heard me talk about this when I was in the hospital. And I got the blood clot. And they rolled me.

And they said, you have a blood clot in your leg. Let's hope it's not in your lungs. But they was probably not. And I said that it's probably not. And when they rolled me from room 4 past 30 rooms to get me to the cat scan.

I looked, and I want you to hear this. It's very important. I looked at everyone. I rolled past and I went, thank God. I'm not them.

In my head, thank God. I'm not them. And then they put me in the cat scan. Guys said, are you allergic to iodine? I said, I don't know.

I go to the other way to test it. And he goes, well, no. I said, what if I am? He goes, you go to an anaphylactic shock.

“And I go, can't you like pin prick my fucking pinky?”

And put a little iodine on it and find out.

And he's like, no. You're going to feel warmness in your throat. And you're going to feel like you're pissing your pants. Let's go. Put me in arms up.

And then they stopped the cat scan halfway through. And he looks at me and he goes, are you having a heart attack right now? And I said, I don't think I am any good. Your blood pressure is through the roof. Your heart rate is skyrocketed.

He goes, I think you're having a heart attack. We can't get a clear vision on the cat scan. And I went, and I start thinking, am I having a, and I go, I don't have any symptoms. I have this warmness in my throat. And I feel like I can see iodine.

And then I go, I know, but I'm having a fucking panic attack. And he goes, okay, well, we need you to relax. I go, that's not going to fucking happen. And then, and then they put me back. They finish it.

And they, they doctor calls. And he's like, he's not having a heart attack. His, his, his, his heart's clear. But he's got blood clots in his lungs. And the guy just goes, yeah, you got blood clots in your lungs.

And I went, and I need you to hear this because we're all right now. Go, thank God that's not me. That's what is important about this 5k. Thank God that's not me. You look at people fatter.

I did that all the time. I look at people fatter and go, oh, thank God that's not me. You see, there's a woman I follow as like a major fup on Cook's breakfast for kids every morning. And I go, oh, thank God that's not me. That's what we all do.

And I'll tell you on my ride back on my gurney back to my room. I had a very different perspective. And I said, everyone, I looked at it. They're not looking at me going, thank God that's not me. He was just having a heart attack in the fucking cat scan.

And he's got blood clots in his legs and his lungs. How do you treat that? What do you have to do? Blood dinners. And, and, and, and I'll tell you right now.

Your, your, your health is very precious. Yeah.

“And it's a perspective shift you need to have.”

And stop. I did it. You know I did it. You know my lifestyle.

You know that I always said, thank God that's not me.

I work out every morning. I fucking drink a lot of water. I'm the fucking guy. And till one day when I was getting more back, I saw a guy that looked just like me.

Just like me. Except he had shoes on. That's it. And I gave him a thumbs up like hoping that we connect. Like it's going to be okay.

And he looked at me and just shook his head. No. And I went, a fuck man. This is, this is reality right now. I am a guy who's blood pressure.

My blood pressure Tom. Yeah, obviously with the panic attack. And my leg throbbing a lot of pain was like 175 over 110. And they're like, it's cause you're in a lot of pain. My, I mean, the pain was insurmountable. Like where is the pain?

My, my whole leg. My whole leg. We're below the blood clot. And it was throbbing like crazy. Like crazy.

If people go, like, I don't know. Maybe I have a blood clot. No, you know, you absolutely go. I have a blood clot. It's in my leg.

It's killing. It's killing. I still can barely use two of my toes.

“And so, but that's my, my, my, I am hoping that if you're thinking about not doing the 5K you hear the story.”

And you go, I don't want to be the guy on the gurney that they roll in to the cat scan. I don't want to be the guy on the gurney. I don't want to be the guy. I know what I thought about is when we brought you in for your, for your arm and your leg. Yeah.

And they put the cuff on you and they're like blood pressure 120 over 80. It's perfect. I thought, wow, I wish I was that guy, but I'm not. I'm really not. Well, I'll also say that like if you do pass away, the 5K will be a celebration of your life.

Fuck me. In the morning. Yeah. We'll do a crazy trilogy at that. And it will be your face will be everywhere.

Thank you. Yeah. Fucking porosal. Fucking skyrocket. It'll be awesome.

You know, you go public with porosal tomorrow. If I die. You think so? Oh, 100%. You're good story.

Did you know it? Did you know? I wonder, I can't even think about death anymore. I can't think about it. Yeah.

What else did I write down? Why are I write fatty's eating? Fatty's eating? Yeah. Oh, that's all I watch on Instagram.

Whenever I'm on Instagram and I see like a sad, really overweight person in their kitchen and they're making some boxed food. I'll be like, oh, I'll send this to a bird. Maybe a patch on the right. Yeah.

That girl with a patch on the right. Oh, my God. It was so fucking good. And I'm like, the heat bird's like, oh, this is awesome. I don't know why I like it.

I really tried to quantify it.

I should be, should bring it up in therapy. Mm-hmm.

“I want to, like, because I, what I identify with, which I think is interesting is, you know,”

everyone pretends, like, I've been around a lot of people. I don't care about fame. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're like, okay.

And then if someone's famous there, they're like, holy shit. Who's that? The guy from Third Rock was sons here. And you're like, okay. Do you watch, I show?

And you're like, no, go. I saw a couple times in college. Dude, you're sitting right there. And you're like, I thought you didn't care about fame. You bet that's different.

Yeah.

And so I always find that interesting.

What Instagram is given is everyone a platform. And I don't, I really don't think everyone wants to be famous. I really don't know. But man, there's a lot more than you thought. Yeah.

And I think there was a shallowness that we got associated with when they're like, you know, look at him. He just wants to be famous. You know, Ari Shapiro is like, one of the worst of this is he pretends. He doesn't care about being famous.

Yeah. He shits on a stage to get attention. Right? But if you say, if I said, I was hanging out with Bradley Cooper. And you're like, stop.

You're in the same business. I am. You do the same thing I do. You do it the same way I do it. You do everything I do.

And by the way, I've been with you when a celebrity walks by and you're like, oh, shit. It's fucking. Yeah. And he's a big crispy cream guy, which is kind of. He's like, I rather speak.

Yeah.

Dude, I've not heard from him in a fucking minute.

Because he's like in the Amazon or some shit. It's interesting. You think. We wouldn't know if he died. Not for a while.

Eventually we'd find out. But yeah. Not right away. Yeah. He could be lost in the jungle right now.

And we're just living our lives. Yeah. He loves that shit. How long for months? It's off pitch.

“How much would you fund an expedition to track down Ari?”

Two of our listeners. Two of our listeners. Two guys. We'll fund it. We've, they do all the research.

You got to be out of work. You got to be out of work. You got to have nothing to do. We'll fund it. We're going to pay your rent for while you're gone.

But we're going to have you go to track down Ari.

And just recognize him and ask for a picture. I would. But it's got to be that we really truly have. Like if somebody actually is like, oh, I know he's an Ecuador. Yeah.

Then it's not as fun. It's not as fun. But it would be fun. So you'll get a lot of volunteers for this man. Yeah.

And go. Just all we need to do is track down Ari. And just. You just. You haven't responded to this email.

Yeah. Just because he heard text did. You didn't respond. Yeah. That's all.

Hey, you want you to respond. And then just take off. Then leave.

“And hand him a phone and go get back on line.”

Yeah. I can guy. I know. He's done this multiple times. We're like, where are you?

He's just like, he likes it. He likes it in Southeast Asia. He likes it. And this is what I mean, obviously everyone knows. I love Ari.

This is what I do respect about Ari is he's not he's doing it for intrinsic value. He's not doing it. I mean, I'm certain there's a part of him that does it. And I heal. I'll lie about this.

But there's a part of him that does it for the grandstanding of I'm offline. I'm disappearing. This is who I am. I'm different than you got. He's the part of him that's that.

He's the biggest advocate in the people that we know of. He's a part of the people that we know of. He's a part of the people that we know of. He's a part of the people that we know of. He's a part of the people that we know of.