[MUSIC]
>> New episode of Two Bears 1K Tommy. >> I have my first three. >> One cave. >> One cave, what did I say? >> One cave, god damn it.
>> Three caves, yeah. >> I have my first three, some. >> Nice. >> Yes, where was it in my bedroom? >> What's his, the way the other names?
>> I didn't, I didn't get their names. >> That was good, it was on Oculus. >> Oh, fuck yeah. >> Yes, let me take it. >> Oh, well, I mean, yeah, it's hard to go back
to one person. >> And now I did, I didn't do enough of a deep dive. >> My son got a, the our headset, and I was like, let me show you the best site, which is awesome, dude. This, this takes a part of your soul.
>> It's crazy. >> It's, it's, it's, it's just it, too, right? When you're like, dude, I was going to find some,
so the am when I had a tell, and so I've never been able to use
the Oculus, I'm afraid someone's going to walk into me, like a blind person, jack and off, just in their room. And someone's like, he gets done and everyone just claps. >> Mm-hm. >> And so, Leon, because I've told him for two days.
“So I remember the boss, I got the Oculus, I race home.”
I mean, I'm, I'm like charging them in the car. >> Yeah. >> [LAUGH] >> Good, fucking throw them on. >> Yeah.
>> One girl, just me and his chick. >> Yeah. >> And I was quick, I was, it was, it was good, and then I was like, I'm going to find my fucker again tonight. >> Yeah, yeah.
>> And so, I, I get later that night. I'm like, embed, I'm like minus one. No, no, no, no, I started watching, it was Saturday. And there was some football going on our Sunday. And it's raining, it's beautiful.
And then I go, I should explore these Oculus. So I go and get this thing, it's called "brink." And you can travel the world. And I'm like, "Oh, cool." But then I'm sitting at the Corona Arch in, in the Mojave Desert.
I'm going, I should have someone suck in my dick while I'm here. >> Yeah, for sure. >> Like, what am I hand on? Why isn't someone suck in my dick? >> Yeah.
>> If it's there, I want my dick sucked. >> Do you do the dual screen where, like, you see the desert? And then the blowjavs over here? >> Tommy? >> Yeah.
>> I was, this is how bad I got. I got the screen where you can see reality. I can see the screen, I'm watching football. And there's a chick fucking another chick on the corner of my house. On the dogbed.
And I'm just sitting there going, this is, I know that this is the end of humanity. >> It is the end of humanity. >> We're definitely about to just, it's all about to end. >> And so then, and then the fucking, the devil's tongue was,
I didn't get my first, it was a two-some.
>> I was like, you and another person, no, three-some, three-some. >> Okay, oh, I got to seven people. >> Wow. >> I got to, I was at DJ, it was an Airbnb. And they didn't want to lose their deposit, and they were like,
“"We have an extra day, you should hang out with us."”
>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> It's a good story, dude. It got, those girls should be getting stock in the company because they're giving away a part of their soul forever. >> Yeah.
>> They are different than porn stars. They're losing their humanity. They, this is really going to happen. >> No, I'm being serious. If you are a VR girl, there are, there are, I have some tips.
There's one girl. >> Yeah. >> She gets on top of me. She's got her two friends who are working my nipples. >> That's nice. >> Hey.
>> She's on top of me. A friend's making out with her. Another girl's playing with her tips, and she got red hair, and she looks at me, and she goes, "Look me in the eyes when you fuck me." And I look up, and I'm staring in her eyes, Tom,
and I, and I set out loud, is this real? [LAUGH] >> Yeah. >> So I had like, I had like, fucking about nine orgies. I was texting you the whole time.
I just got done an orgie. >> Yeah. >> This is crazy. I mean, by the last day,
“Leanne's got a flight home, and I know I'm not going to race”
to get one more orgie. >> You got to get one more end. >> Dude, I'm in my room, murdered out blacked out curtains. It's in their whispering in your ear, the last one I get. >> Yeah.
>> Outnote to three, for some, I'm a mental patient who's lost his memory, and they're trying to jog my memory back.
>> Oh, that always helps when you get your dick sucks, yeah.
>> Dude, I, the last, I haven't done it in over a year and a half. I had it in the, the VR headset in my office, and the last time I did it, I, I came as I walked into my desk. [LAUGH] >> And it hurts so bad that it traumatized me.
[LAUGH] >> I haven't, I haven't used it again. >> This one girl, this one girl said to me, she goes, I'm, I'm fucking this one check. And there's other checks, play with a whisper in my ear. And then I hear this girl go, look at me.
And I look at me, she goes, look at me, a little pervert. And I was like, oh, and I came right away. I was like, God, I'm a pervert, I'm God. >> Nice. >> And then Lee-Anne came in, Lee-Anne came home.
>> She was going to get the burger, great to see you. >> Yes, she was going to see you. [LAUGH] >> Can't wait to go back to you. >> Hey, let's do it in the dark, I'm just going to put my sleep apnea mask on.
And I had to tell her, I had to tell her, I go, just, you know, I've been like nine orgies this weekend. She was like, what? I go Oculus goggles, she goes, why would you even do that?
I was like, no, I don't know the best.
It's the bet, they do this one, they do this one move, this is just for
us Oculus Insiders, where they make you eat their, I don't know how to say it. But there's everyone says on the lives now, so I don't know what they're saying. It's like a flag, yeah. >> They make you do it, they get it right here, where you're almost going like this. >> Oh, oh, and it's right in your fucking, and it's like eight k.
>> It's like, you gotta see a dermatologist, this is not. >> I was like, where's Lee-Anne's labia been?
“And then did research, do you know that women in menopause lose their labia?”
>> What, really? >> I fucking found that out, how do they lose it? >> I don't falls off, I guess. >> It's kind of dry. >> It's not under a pillow and then they get a wish.
>> That's pretty cool. >> No, but these young girls have crazy fucking labias, and I'm just like, "What's a lot of labia, man? I'm 53." I mean, it's something a little more discreet, but I kept thinking, so this is my
thought.
I've never understood, and I don't mean this to attack anyone or anything, but I've never
understood guys who leave shitty comments on like women's accounts that, like you're a whore, you hope that hope that that's proud, fucking whore, we're a broad next time you keep bored. >> You're like, "What's going on?" >> Like, never understood that guy, and then he's got a family.
>> Yes, he's got a family. >> And then his bio is like Christ's first believer? >> Yeah. >> I love the girls, I love when women post the picture of the guy in this hateful comment.
I never understood those guys, I never leave negative comments, I do leave comments
“but throw his funny, I left one on Anthony Jessel next the other day, and I know I didn't”
even look at 'cause I'm no one going to get trashed. Anthony Jessel next, it's like all the smart comics are doing book clubs, it's like the big thing these days. >> Really? >> Yeah.
>> But there's a bunch doing it? >> Yeah. >> John Malay and Anthony Jessel next. >> Yeah. So they do it in Malay and he gives like 600 page books, and you're like, "Okay, you can really
read." >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Imagine how much he could read on Coke. >> Yeah.
>> I blew through those books. I bet those were all Coke books. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah.
>> And so Jessel next book is called The Get Away, and he's like Jessel next new thing is like, "In my book club, I'm only doing a crew." I'm doing a dress in the crew. >> Yeah. >> In my book club, I'm only doing books with great fucking endings.
So you gotta, it's gonna be a great ending in the best ending I know, The Get Away. And I go to the comments and it's like, every smart fucking nerdy comic, like Pat and Oswald. This was one of the best books. I reread this three times over the summer, and who reads her own.
And ending is crazy, and then it's another smart comic. This is the best ending I've ever seen. And I can't wait to hear people sing. And so I just wrote a comment, "Hey, can someone tell me how this book ends?" >> Yeah.
>> And I'm getting just by Kip, who let those. >> That's the whole point of the book club, Bert, you read the fucking book. >> Of course. >> By the way, I've did by the book. Are you reading it?
No, no, no, no. I got, what was it? Rugrats? Dereening Dyer is the one. >> I blocked I reread the wimpy kids, the getaway on accident.
And it showed up and I was like, this is not the one I orders. And I fucking posted it, I sent it to Jasselnek. I wasn't going to post it, I sent it to Jasselnek. Jasselnek's reply was, "I'm amazed that you use Instagram to communicate with people. I'm laughing hysterically.
You're communicating with me through Instagram versus like a text. >> I don't know. I don't have his number. So I just DM them. >> I don't know.
Spades the same way. Spade does. That's how spade communicates. Spade leaves only sends voice notes. >> Yeah, voice notes.
>> He only sends voice notes. So I got this, I got Jasselnek's book, I'm going to read it.
I always liked those guys that are smart and read, but here's the point, here's the point.
I never leave comments. >> Yeah. >> And never leave comments. >> Okay. >> Negative comments.
I just don't do it. There's things I don't like. We don't comment. >> I would never comment. I'm not a big fan of WMBA, but I'm not in their fucking comment section.
Like, this is what is fucking wrong with America. >> Yeah, yeah. When we go alone with Oculus, and I thought I'm going to light some bitches up online. By them up, it's loneliness. It's loneliness, not being attached to a real world.
>> Yeah, and you know what else it is, dude, it's that you have a place to put it now. See like before, all this shit existed, you didn't have the outlet, this is the outlet. The outlet is you can go to someone's page and be like fuck you. >> Yeah. >> That didn't exist before.
You had to write a letter, and put a stamp on it, like that's not a thing anymore.
“So if you were, if you were a dude, probably not in great shape, right?”
Dandruff, black shirt, jumps up everywhere, not thriving, not thriving, not, not, you know,
I really could kind of, one weekend alone, I was by myself the whole weekend,...
no one even called me Tom, you're the only person I texted, no one called me, I didn't
“get any texts on Sunday night, Leanne had Sandy and Tom or friends, reach out, go and”
hey you haven't talked to anyone all weekend, would you like to come over for dinner and I was like, I got Oculus here, I got fucking set of bitches waiting in my room, the fuck might not hang with you guys for you. >> You got a little taste of it, but I got a taste of what it's like to be, I guess what they'd say is I can, I don't want to say in cell, but you know, but it's lonely dude, it's
loneliness. >> It's lonely dude who's just like living in, living in online and having that be your expression and not, and especially if you don't drink and maybe you smoke what weed, there's no reason to go out, and I really, I don't mean this like, I'm not trying to be like deep, but really, at the end of that week, I understood those
dudes who leave negative comments because I was like, yeah, I get it, you didn't have something, you know, you're not going to get noticed if you say something nice, that's you're right, you're right, you're not going to get noticed if you're like dude, your special was great or a burnt, your new series is awesome, but if you're like, burnt, that was the best, I don't read comments, but I got the little girl that plays Isla in
my show, her mom texted me, she goes, I hope you're okay with this, but Lillu is lighting people up in your comments, and I was like, what is she screen grab, and it was, you know, it's the trailer to freebird, and some dudes like this dude fell off, yeah, and then Lillu, who's fucking 10, wrote off your mom, she's just lighting these dudes up, and then these dudes are coming after her, not knowing she's 10, and you're like, are you
going to, I go, hey, just do, I don't care, but I don't want her, I don't want her to, she, this is, she's not going to stand up for me, that's really adorable, but I understand that guy that goes, he gets more attention, and now he's in a fight, and now he's got a communication, and now he's got something to do that day, I'm not defending the guys who leave negative comments, but I'm understanding it after that weekend alone is like, you're sitting there
with, with, with little to nothing to do, and you throw a hateful thing out, and then someone's like, fuck you, and now you're talking, yeah, you got it to work, no one in the world wanted to talk to you, and now someone wants to talk to you, and it's a fight, and it reinforces
“that, like, if I say the hateful thing, that's how I get someone to talk to me, and if you”
reply or I reply, yeah, that's, I mean, that's a fucking home run, that's like shut up, I got no fucking celebrities head, yeah, yeah, and the reason I'm a recount is, is one day, one guy got my head, and, and this guy who I don't know, kind of fucked my day up, and I was like, why would I let that happen? I would have ever allow my day to get fucked up, but then I understood, it's check guys not, he doesn't hate me, he's not, he just
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“I think I'm dumb with Oculus. So that was it. Well, if I had sexually”
in and wish you got home, it feels better. It definitely feels better with a human. Yeah, but she doesn't talk. I wanted to watch a couple of them. I just feel like they say stuff like look me in the eyes. You're perfect. Yeah. It's pretty cool. We got to get them away for your boys. You can't your boys. No, no, they're boys should not have them. No, they're not. They're just lobbying for more violent games. They're like, listen, okay, I know where kids, but these are games.
Like, why can't we just do GTA 5? And I'm like, just no. And they're like, you can't, you know why? There's this room. I went to this room. I was on Oculus the whole fucking weekend. Yeah. I went to this room. I was like, what's this? And it's like a spaceship and you're in space. And you're like this. And I see this dude run across this, like don't jogging. And I go, who the
“fuck is this guy? And then all of a sudden this guy comes up and goes, hi, what's your name?”
And I look over and it's a dude right in my room. What? And then he goes, enable microphone and I was like, no, no, I was like, you could get, he's fucking rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to get them away for your boys. Your boys. We, so just for everyone, they're doing that. They have a, they don't have like the Oculus. They have the PlayStation. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but they're just like, I just want to go shoot stuff. I'm like, yeah, I know dude. We, uh, it's funny. I've been talking a lot
about our friendship to like people, like, uh, because our friendship's really interesting, like we are business partners. Yeah. And we are friends. When you get money, your friendship you, you turn into different wealthy people in a weird way, but your friendship's still there.
Yeah. But just things like I was telling someone yesterday, like the first time I made
“good money, you're like, you should treat yourself. That's what you do when you get good money,”
treat yourself. You send me a picture of this Gucci bag. And I was like, nice. So I went to Gucci in a Vegas, I didn't know. And bought this $3,000 bag. And I sent a picture of it to you and you go, oh, how did they like it? And I go, huh? And you go, I got there for Christina and I went, I put it for myself and you're like, I got the woman's bag and I went, oh fuck. But that's the interesting thing is like, and so, but we got like, I, this is going to sound weird. I forget sometimes, only because we
work so much together. How good a friends we are. And I realize that Christmas Eve. Yeah. Oh, because we got to hang out. Yeah. Dude, we were in DC. We should set the stage. We were in DC, 'cause we were both doing press with Netflix for my special came out. It's called T-shirt,
Netflix.
Yeah. So Netflix, I can only on Netflix. Only on Netflix. So because Netflix had the broadcast,
“which was Commanders Cowboys. And they, you know, they did, I think they had 40 promos on this broadcast,”
because they knew so many people would be watching of all their stuff. We were there. We were both there. I was there with Christina and the boys, and then you were there alone. I was there with Kyle. Oh, with Kyle. And then you're like, hey, let's, you know, this is, now this is what I talk about with the friendship is that I go, I hit you up old school, like the regular Tom and Bird. I was like, yo, Christmas Eve. I hang out with you and your family. And you're like, of course.
And then as I got closer, I was like, you know, I'm a lot. And you know, and I am. And sometimes you just want to hang out with your family in the room and not, and not go do something or go to dinner.
And it may be like everyone wants to sit in the pajamas and watch a movie. What am I sitting
doing? Just drinking vodka in the corner. Yeah. And so I hit you up the next day. I was like, hey, just, you know, don't, you don't have to invite me to Christmas Eve. I can do my own thing. And then you're like, I definitely want you to Christmas Eve. Yeah. So we pull up to the hotel. And I see your boys, you'll get another car. And push is talking to the driver or someone in the back. And I go up to your boys. I go, stay, please, I need to see ideas right now. And they go,
fat sticks. They're like, we knew you were coming. We knew you were coming. I go, I got fucking awesome presents for you guys. When do we get them? I go, you get them tonight. And they're like, oh, what are you doing right now? Do you want to come to our room? And I was like, I was like,
I don't know. And then push on me. She was like, hey, and it was so fun. It's like old school.
It was old school. It was so fucking. We hung out. You don't hang out with the kids and everything Christmas Eve dinner. And they were, they were just themselves. Oh, they're, do you want to see me joke my brother out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm, I've been like, I've been a taboo out. Your oldest has so much energy. Smile. And your youngest is a one of one. I know. He's that fucking child is every day now. He's like, can I wear my suit today? And I'm like,
I mean, we're going downstairs to the lobby of the hotel. He's like, is that a no? No, you can wear your suit. And then he wears a suit. And then people go, you're dressed up. He goes, I love fashion. And they're like, how old are you? He's like, I'm seven. He's like, and they're like, and you love fashion. He's like, yeah, so the David Bowie. And then he
“just tells them, like, that's what he said to me. He goes, I swear to God, he goes,”
do you like David Bowie? And I see Christina go, okay. Yeah. I go, yeah, I love David Bowie. He goes, did you know David Bowie's been dead nine years now? I was like, I didn't know that. He goes, he died of liver cancer. And I was like, okay. Yeah. And he was like, do you know, I know every David Bowie's song. And I said, you do any goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, it quiz me. And I was like, what? Yeah. He loves David Bowie. And then randomly, I get home. And my favorite podcast is an
hour documentary on David fucking Bowie. I started playing it for him. Oh my God. He was he was like, lit up just totally. It's so funny. They're very different boys, but perfect brothers. Yeah, they're good. And they do, they fight, you know. Oh, yeah. I can fight. Like, I have to physically separate. And then two seconds later, they're just like hanging out laughing. And yeah, I let's get on a subject. He goes, he goes, uh, do you think I tap you out? I was like, what?
And you're like, I let's text you, just so he goes, I'm really good. Do you think I tap you out? And so my daughter takes you just to an immediately his fifth shift focused. And he goes, what belt is she? Yeah. I go, I don't know. She used to take lessons. He goes, what belt is she? Can you find out what belt she is? Do you think I can fight your daughter? You think I can take your daughter down? I bet I can tap her out. I'm really good. I'm quick to. But I fight the bigger kids. And you
guys are like, you guys are like, he does fight with the bigger kids. And then, and then Julian's like, I didn't like you, too. Yeah. Right now, we're on that. We were on vacation. And like, other people would be like, you know, people see kids and they're like, hey, you're doing like, where are you from? He would introduce himself as a champion cross country runner. And if you just took out, I was like, and they're like, oh, okay, he's like, yeah, I fucking, I'm really fast. They're like, that's nice to
meet you. I leaned into our lean into the boys and I said, hey, do you think it would be cool if I went on your vacation? I don't tell your parents, I just show up. And like, almost like a spy, I show up and prank them the whole time. And Alice, it's like, is this, can this be real? And I want, yeah, it can be real. I'll show up. And they won't know. And you guys will help me and we'll prank them the whole time. And Alice is like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, this is going to be great. This is going to be great.
And the end of the night, you guys, are you coming on vacation? I go, I don't know. I'll check it.
“He goes, no, you need to let me know. And I was like, okay, dude, Christmas day, we went to the game,”
which was so fun. I didn't, I didn't see any of it. I showed up, did my part and got on a plane left. It was so fun. And they were, they were, you know, my big disappointment in life so far, I know,
Has been that they don't like football.
all the time. Like, that was the only reason you were born was to watch football together.
And every time I've been watching football over the years, they're like, they'll walk in the room and they'll be like, oh, shit. We watch something else. And I'm like, you're out of the will. You're not, you're not even part of this family. Right? Like, just anyway, as the years have gone by, a little more interest. And then when I was like, we're going to a game, I could see that there was, I was like, oh, this might be like the thing. So we get there. And they're like, you know,
they're looking at the stadium and Netflix put us in a suite that they had. And they were like, this is fucking awesome. It's in the suite. How do anybody, like, shut the rollins? No, no, no. It wasn't anybody like that. It was mostly people you wouldn't know. But it wasn't like packed in there either. But they were like taking it in and they were like, they had so much interest. I was like, oh, this is great. I started to like dream about. I was like, explaining the game,
what's happening because they had zero interest before. And so I'm like laying it and then they're like, so like, I'm like, it's Dallas versus Washington. And they're like, who do we cheer for? And I'm like, well, I don't know. I go, I mean, we live in Austin. So Dallas is pretty close. And they're like, we're definitely Dallas. And I was like, all right, cool. And they're like, come on, come on, Texas. I was like, no, it doesn't, it doesn't work like that. And they're like, what? I go, it's Dallas.
You got to be specific. It's Dallas. And they're like, oh, okay. And they would scream out the open window. They're like, cowboys. Yeah, watching to socks. And then like everybody in the sweet was Reskin or Commander's fans. Yeah. And they would be like, turn their heads to these two little psychos. Julian and his suit, of course. And like screaming about it. And they got really into it. So the main thing is I, you know, the season's ending, but I'm like, I got to get these guys to games
“more. That's, that's what I learned is like, you got to get into a game. But anyway, at the end of the”
day was Christmas day, we go back to the hotel. And we're sitting there. And it's like finally winding
down the energy of the day is winding down. And then Ellis sits there and I see him kind of like head down like, what's up? He goes, I miss, I miss Bert. I go, really? He goes, yeah, he's my fat on. I go, I go, well, we can see him again. He goes today. I go, no, he left. He goes, oh, I wish I wanted so bad to go sit in the sweet with you guys. I knew I, they were asking. They're like, is Bert coming? Is he coming up? I was like, I don't know. I think he's got to catch a flight. And every like,
20 minutes, they'd be like, is Bert coming up now? I was like, well, he's working right now. That was so fucking good. I told them, oh, I told them, I said, we got to do a family trip. I'm taking my girls and you guys come with you guys. And they're like, what were doing? I got so far. And they're like, what? Yeah. I was like, let's go to Africa. And then I told my girls, and my girls were like, well, we have to babysit them. And I said, absolutely not.
And they're like, we're in. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. The New Year doesn't require a new you. Maybe just a little less burden. You therapy can help more easily identify what holds you back by offering an unbiased perspective to for better understanding your relationships, motivations, and emotions. You know, if you haven't done therapy, that makes no sense to you. It really does. You know, they're my relationships. They're my emotions. What am I talking about?
Dude, when you're in therapy, and you have another person going, you know, I'm noticing a pattern.
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Um, the, uh, I want to ask you a question, okay? And this is based off of need. I was talking to Shannon Sharp the other day. Say, say, say, say, say, say, say,
“promote the new show. Amazing. Yeah, I think I'm going to get a lot of shit for it.”
I made it. Yeah, we do a podcast in the second. You got a car. You're like, I definitely shouldn't say that. I'm going to get a phone call from Kevin Hart. Now, Jesus. Well, no. So he just looks at me. James Sharp goes, uh, you said, Kevin Hart needs to talk about all the luck in his life. Like, got Williams, back to gun in the suitcase. That's the only reason I was at that movie. And I was like, good. I was like, who does your research? You're fucking the internet. God, that's this
good. Deep cut. I said, that wants to a fucking girl fucking 10 years ago. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I can't wait for this. These are going to be some viral clips.
I, that was always the folklore. And then, and then I, and then I broke it down. I said,
you know, every comedian needs like that one stroke of luck. I go, we all got it. And for me, it's the machine story going viral that one girl posts the clip that says this story is 100% true. I was in my kid's class. He fucking robbed us. Um, that helped me. That's the spark. And I go, Tommy, it was Tommy got on Netflix. The same time Bill Burroughs on Netflix. It's the
“only two comics Bill Burroughs huge. I don't know if I actually said this. I think I said Netflix.”
But you get on Netflix with Bill Burrough. And they go, did you like Bill Burrough? Then you're going to love Tom Skurra. And all of a sudden, you're, I'm going to be saying, I don't need to do process to my, my stroke of luck. Honestly, was really that, um, comedy central said no. Yeah. That was my stroke of luck that like they said no. And then Netflix was just in licensing stuff. They're like, we just want to license a bunch of shit. It's like 2013. That was my, you're right. And they were like,
yeah, this is like these are specials and they just were like, yeah, we'll take it. That was my luck. And I go, Bill Burroughs luck is that filly ramp. All right. That goes viral. And everyone's like, this guy's a fucking genius. I go Jim Jeffries got punched in the head of the comedy store. Yeah. He happened to have a manager, Brad Vincent, who knew how to, it worked the internet. So he took the clip off the security camp, posted to my space, goes viral. I go Rogan calls up and see. I go
listen. I mean, listen, this is, and this is my take. And I'm allowed to my opinion. But without that meant see a video and Rogan getting kicked out of the comedy store, losing his agent. Yeah. And all of that, the punishment he got from this team, maybe he doesn't reset and start his podcast. You know, maybe he's not sitting there going, what are we going to do today? Yeah. And you know, and then you get a podcasting take. It's an interesting take. But then the fucking irresponsible
part of me is, I one time I heard a drunk agent say that only reason Kevin Hart got fools, Goldis Kithkat Williams, back the gun and his luggage to go to the trip. Yeah. And they, and they said, Pat Cat, they were shooting the movie. They, they're ready to shoot it. And they're like, they're like, yo, we need someone who'll sit fit into a fucking medium. I don't know that that's
“offensive because I think the thing is that like everybody gets a thing, right? Yeah. And like to”
Kevin's credit, like what he's done is taken whatever opportunity he was given and knocked it out of the park. Right. He's not there. He's not here by accident. No. But everyone has that one spark of luck. Yeah, I see we really catapult. So I mean, I don't think that's crazy to say. Okay. Good. Oh, that. I mean, someone's going to act like it's real crazy to say. Of course. Of course. And then all those guys and Oculus goggles that are going to light me up. I just give you my number and you call
me, we'll talk. Yeah. And then I said some stuff about tracing Morgan. It's going to be, I think people are going to love it. But, but I said to club, I said to Shannon Sharpe, who's by the way, so much bigger in person. Yeah. He, I said, uh, he's jacked. He's like 60 or something. He's jacked. Yeah. And he's, and he drank, we drank. I drank a half a bottle of Kavasya. Yeah. Which by the end, I'm just drunk. Yeah. And then I started interviewing him. And I asked him a question that's kind of
fucked me up now. Okay. I said, what's the difference between when you had a million dollars? When
you first signing, you was seventh round draft pick wasn't much didn't expect much. His first resigning bonus was for $450,000 with $700,000 bonus. Right. So there's over a million dollars. Yeah. I said, what's the difference between now then and now when you have this money? And he thought about it and he goes back then or had to wait to buy a watch. And I said, yeah, and he goes,
I just buy watches.
Like if it was better than what are we doing? He's like, I don't know. Like it was, I guess you want security to put your family, you know, take care of your family and stuff. And I thought about it. Now, I want to wheel it down so it's fun for everyone to do this game. If you're listening, and maybe we put it in the comments. I did it to Leanne today. And I'm curious to what your answers
“are. We'll start with with shoes. How many pair of shoes does a man need in his life?”
You're talking to the wrong guy. You're looking at the other wrong guy. I have, I had a shoe addition for a period. And I have a room full of shoes that I don't use. And now I'm looking at them going, this is, you're wasteful. Do you know that, do you know that I've gone, you know, I don't know. I told you that what you're talking about is something that I've been feeling and dealing with. And it's not like a big thing, but it's like, which was like the idea of
excess and wastefulness. Yeah. So in the last few months, it really occurred to me what you're saying. And so I got rid of, this is grotesque. I got rid of 80 pairs of shoes. Right? Because I was like, I was looking at them and I was like, what is this? Yeah. Then I did it for cars. I was like, this is so stupid. I really did. I was like, what am I doing? The same thing you're saying. I really. Yeah. I was like, but why do I, I don't, it's like, I go,
this, these are, they're just become, like, I never wanted to be like a museum piece person.
We're like, let's just look at this. Yeah. Like, you know, for anything. And then I also did it, I've done it for watches. No, don't do that. Yeah. Yeah. Don't, okay. I said to Leon, how many watches does a man need? I thought it started. Yeah. I didn't want to say that because I didn't watch his. And I did it for an and for trigger warning first for just closed. I just felt like it's, um, it actually is more
anxiety inducing to have this overwhelming abundance of like stuff. Yeah. And then you go, what do I even really love or like? And I know it's like a woohoo comment that they're like, people will be like, oh, I got too much stuff. It's true. It's true. I got too much stuff. And it doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good to have too much stuff. And so I've donated stuff.
I've gotten rid of stuff. I've sold stuff. So wait. So wait. Okay. So the first one I asked
is, how many shoes does a man need? And she said, you need a pair of, uh, a pair of nice shoes. You need a pair of running shoes. And you need a pair of kick around shoes and a pair of flip flops. And she said, four, four pairs of shoes. That's, that's a little low. That's a little low. And I, I said, just ballparking. And I want to know what your answers are. I wish I could read comments. I'd love to know what people think. I said a total, no more than nine pairs of shoes.
“Yeah. I mean, I think if you are your working person, you have a job. You like having shoes.”
Yeah. That you got to probably got work boots. Yeah. Like let's say you have your work boots. Your dress shoes. Let's say a black and brown pair. Black and brown pair. Then you have your trainers for the gym. Let's say you're, if you're a runner or you like weightlifting, you have separate shoes for that. And then for like your everyday life, you know, there's most people want some variety, right? So if you have like black ones and blue ones. And great. Like I do think
capping it. You don't have to put a cap on it, obviously. But to me, it's like, once you have 20 pairs of shoes, you're on. Yeah, you're like, and then what I really, the reason I was thinking about this was like, I was walking and looking at like, what am I going to wear today?
And I realized that I was always pulling like same like eight pairs of shoes. Yeah. And that the
“other ones were just decorations. And the same thing for like driving. I was like, what am I doing?”
Like I have like, and it's fine. I understand there's people. There are car collectors. And I know people personally who have 60 cars. And they're thrilled with it. And I've been to their garage. And this is insane. And I'm, I think it's, it's awesome if it works for you. I don't think it works for me. Christian, how many pairs of shoes do you have? I'm going to get three, how many? How many? 178. Yeah, it's in college, in college. I had two pairs of shoes. Yeah.
I had running shoes and flipflops. I only wear flipflops everywhere. Yeah. I wear flipflops everywhere. Yeah. I wore yours by the way over vacation. Why thank you. Yeah. There's a great. They're great. I wish we were still in over still. We were still making them. Those are great. Yeah. He changed the design and the design. I like the new designs. I stopped wearing them. I just wear all the old ones. I have nine pairs of old ones. I flipflops are bad. Okay. How about shirts? How many shirts
should a man have? I mean, just let's just do t shirts. How many t shirts should a man have?
I think you want to have, you probably want doubles at least of like two black.
And then if you have like, let's say a variety of six or seven others, you kind of like that's
where. How many t shirts do you have? Don't don't. Now or after because I just did before before the before the purge before the purge. If you 100. Oh. Okay. Yeah. If you're 100. I have my sister Annie, she does, I don't know. Jackets bro. Oh, I remember you went through a jacket face. It's not over. How many jackets do you have? Hundreds. Are you serious? Yeah. But I also have been like,
yeah. I realize, dude, that it is, it is like a form of self soothing and like, it's an impulse thing. And like the thing I had to like try to work on is to not act on the impulse to stop for a
second and go, do I really want this? Do I really need this? Will I use this? And sometimes when
I just ask myself that for anything, just the act of asking myself that gets me to not do the impulse
“by and then leave. And then I think the thing you do is you go, if this is something that sits with you”
and you keep going like, oh man, I really want these shoes or whatever. Yeah. Then you go, okay, it's been like in your head. But I've been acting off of impulse for too long. I've been acting off impulse. I look at my shirts. I looked at my t shirts today, only where the same shirt. And we're the same shirt every day. And I looked at my shirts. I realized my problem is nostalgia. I looked at my
shirts this morning as I was, I had this thought last last night at this morning when I woke up
because, you know, land put, and I have separate bedrooms now. Yeah. And so I'm in my bedroom. Feels good. We, I brought only when I needed to my bedroom. Yeah. And so her closet is full of all the collector stuff I have. Like all the stuff I don't touch. I brought all my shit there. And then I left all my other shit in her room. And so then I was like, Jesus, I guess I only wear, you know, one pair of pants. That's, I think that's really what it is, dude. Yeah. And I,
yeah. What? It's, it's, I, I'm like upset, not upset, but I was like, I realized how silly I, I feel about the consumption. Like about about just obtaining acquiring all this shit. And then I realized that it doesn't bring me joy. It's not fulfilling. It's, it's causing me to feel like what the fuck, I feel like a goddamn, like, I'm on PCP, like a fucking lunatic. And I'm like,
“this is, this doesn't feel good. So that's why I was just like, I gotta get rid of shit. I almost”
enjoy when I stain a track suit. Yeah. Because I go, what we're getting rid of this? Yep. Like I spilled a meatball. I dropped a meatball down my, down my, I don't, I had a nice polo, I went through a track suit phase. So all, I didn't remember this. I went through a track suit phase. And I, I got, I polo track suits in every color gray, navy blue, black, and light blue. And when I flew to, you, I bought me, I didn't tell you this. You, I bought me so hard. When I went to your room,
Christmas Eve, I was in a tracksuit. And the, and you sat that we were talking, remember, we sat in your room. Yeah. You kept going. And I don't know if it was my track, I didn't think. I was like, guys, like, really, I was, it was your tracksuit. It was your tracksuit. But, uh, I got on, I put, dropped a meatball down my, my, my, my tracksuit. And I was like, there's no way this is coming out and throwing this away. Good for you. And I was like, nice, I got rid of a
track suit. Great. I just started spilling my, I put a shout on it. And you can still see the things. I go, okay, I'll work out in the pants. Yeah. Yeah. I have a hard time. I have a shirt. I have, I have shirts from 2001. And you're going, but wait, how much are you down? You look good. We should do a major in a journey. How much are you down? 30 pounds. 30 pounds. Which means,
“and this is that you have to, if I can do this, you need new clothes. You have to get rid of”
bigger clothes. You have to get rid of it. I've, all, all my pants, none of my pants fit. Like, I'm, I'm at the very beginning of my belts. The, um, I'll tell you, man, and I only say this, not like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I follow a lot of fat people. I, I follow, I follow almost exclusively flat fat people. Yeah. Like, you know, those fatty baddies that go, I'm a fatty body and this,
What I eat in a day.
okay? And you're thinking yourself, I'll never get fat. But when you wake up, you make a coffee
and put four pumps of caramel and coffee creamer and whipped cream and sprinkles on it. You're gonna be fat. That's the, that is the key. That is the every fatty fatty I watch. Yeah. I mean, the plus size park hoppers, they all get crazy coffee orders, ladies, ladies, ladies, your coffee should be coffee with a splash of cream. That's it. No fucking sugar that, that is, I'm telling you.
“I think it's just ladies, dude. It was a bunch of dudes. All I follow was ladies. I follow with”
the bat, you know, do you follow the, uh, the body, I remember I texted you, you follow, you follow, a lot of bizarre shit. Dude, I follow these wrappers from like Michigan. They're like five dudes,
and they're always in the woods and like one dude wears a Jason mask and it always starts with
the guy jumping off the thing and he's like, it's so good. It's good, but yeah, but it's like, I don't know why. You know, there's this thing, there's this thing I recognize in people that I identify with and it's the need to be seen. And I mind shallow. I like I get on stage to do it. I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I do podcast because I want to be seen. My goal in this year is to be less seen. It is, is I think, I think I same thing with over abundance. I think I wanted to be seen so
much that I got kind of annoying to people. It's like, I was everywhere. And like people go like, you're the TikTok guy. And I'm like, no, you're all over my TikTok. And I was like, I don't think
“I am like, yeah, you are. And that's what I identify with the people online, who like,”
like these rappers with like, yeah, the guys always jump soft, something in the woods. And they're
all intimidating. And it, but they're, honestly, they're not, this is the best. It's going to get for them. I'm not getting signed by Dr. Dre. Right. They're not, their wraps aren't awesome. But they're, they're making me happy. Yeah. And so, by understand that, do you have, do you know what I'm talking about? This is them. Yeah. That's them. That's them. Okay. Is that a real hand? Did you know who it is? Dude, this is them. Look at them. Oh, look at them.
Well, right. Kicking in your back door. He's reading his back. He reads his rap. Okay. And look, there's a guy in the fucking, yeah, snap doors with a hacksaw. Fast pause when I scrap. But this is what people are doing for generations. It's just that you can watch them now. But I would argue five guys doing this everywhere. I would argue, no. Like, there's this girl, there's this girl I'm following. She's rowing across the, uh, Atlantic Ocean.
Uh-huh. And I thought, I could do that. No, no, no, no, no. I'm following her. And she's sharing her journey. Hey, guys, today's the first day. Yeah. But I'm going to jump in the water. I've been scared to do this. But I'm jumping in the water. And, you know, she jumps in the water. And she goes, hey, guys, it rained today. There was storm. And I needed it. I really needed to take a bath. And, you know, and then I thought, does that as a little,
little, little, little thought experiment? I thought, what if, what if someone texted her and like,
“yo, uh, Instagram no longer exists? Yeah. She'd be in the, she'd go, why the fuck am I doing this?”
Maybe, you know, I get the fuck back. Get me the fuck out of here. I don't want to be here. I'm only here. Some people see that I'm here. Yeah. And I literally thought that, would she, is there anyone rowing across the fucking ocean that's not posting it? Is there anyone getting a sailboat and not posting their adventures on YouTube? You're right. Is there any rapper that's just wrapping by himself and his fucking closet? Probably, yeah. That one, yes. Yeah,
probably. But I think for the, a lot of that holy shit endurance crazy thing, it's very few that are just doing it for the love of it for sure. Very few. And then, by the way, but if we shouldn't forget to mention that the details are coming soon, but we are, the five k is back for two bears five k. 2026. And, and jelly roll will be there. Yep. Which by the way, now I'm like, remember how we used to be like, hold on, hold on, we gotta take it. Yeah, with this fucking guy.
Yeah. Well, dude, he, he weighs, if I hadn't started my journal, he'd be as skinnier than me. It's fucking crazy. Is that not crazy? Yeah. 265. I was too, 70 when I started losing weight. And, dude, I can't, I can't let him beat me this year. That's, of course, going to beat you. No, he's not. If, when he gets his skin removed, he's going to be 200 pounds. He's not beating me, dude. Dude, he runs every fucking day. I'm running, I'm running.
I run. He runs every fucking day. Does he really? Every day, and he runs uphill,
He's addicted.
have a little bit of an addictive personality. A little? Okay. Okay. With the food and the drugs.
“Yeah, no shit. He's just applied that in a positive way. That's a lot of people do that gets over.”
And he's, he's, I mean, parties. I know, I am. He's fucking like, I ran four miles a day over on the break. Yeah. And I'm now I have to, like, up it, so that I cannot let him beat me. Oh, he beat me last year. Did he beat you? Yeah. Well, I ran it. There was a second time I ran it. He's, I, I heard he's running R5K twice this year. He just did a 10K with fucking campaigns. Fuck. All right.
I got to step it up. He's fine. He looks incredible. He does look incredible. He's unrecognizable.
Yeah. I love when I love that I was with Bonnie recently. And she, we were talking about Majaro. And oh, I, yeah, I, yeah, I should say, I should wrap up. I wanted, I only want to say this for people that are like me. Because I have a lot of fat people. If you are having, if you ever an issue with your weight and you want to lose weight, I found Majaro worked for me. Now, it made me feel like I had the flu. I still am you on it for four days. For four days, I feel like I have a flu,
like a low grade flu. Very beginning. I was throwing up violently at airports. But, and then the last three days, I feel normal. And then when I take it again, I get like a well on my stomach. By the way, Jack Osborne was like, just put up ice pack on that make goes away. Oh, nice. Oh, yeah, we were talking peptides. And, and, but it, it can jump start a healthy lifestyle. And because I was honest about it, and not, not everyone, you know, a lot of people, like, I've heard a lot of people that are like,
oh, yeah, it's, I've just, you've done hard work and you're like, okay. But because I was honest with that people would come up to me and go, you know, I'm on a GLP one. I'm on a terrace appetite, but they're, I'm on a GLP one. And do there are so many people that come up to me that are regular looking people and they're like, I'm on 70 pounds. And you're like, what? And then I go, yeah, yeah,
I was diabetic. I'm not diabetic anymore. That's amazing. And so, if you're thinking about it,
“I don't know. I was right to tell you, I don't know how much it costs, but I think insurance”
covers some of it. He dropped 30 pounds. 30 pounds. My, my weight lifting is dropped as well. I'm not, I definitely couldn't do three fucking 25 right now. But I'm still lifting weights. Right now, I can't use my legs. So I'm lifting. What happened? Parallel, collegiate. What happened with your leg? Um, I saw you limping. So I, I don't know what happened. I, I, I, I mean, one day, I woke up and my, and my, so I've had this Achilles problem. I posted a picture
of it yesterday. You pulled up that picture. It's pretty aggressive. I've had an Achilles problem
since I was shooting freebird. And so I stopped running because of it. Because I was like, I don't
want to rupture my Achilles. Yeah, it's that. And then, and then one morning I woke up over the, over Thanksgiving. And I slept wrong. And my hip was out. And I couldn't use my leg. My, like, my, I pinched the nerve or something. So we worked that out. And as I slowly got better and better, all of a sudden, like, my calf would hurt. And then my foot, it would, it would move. I thought it was a blood clot for real. Like, and then the top of my right foot hurt, then it was planar
fasciitis. Then I had him and his suits come in and he fucked me up. And then ever since that day, it was inside calf, outside calf, outside here, over here, under here. I have no idea what it is. But you see this picture of my fucking Achilles from yesterday. And I think it may be Achilles related.
“But dude, I had to wrap my leg in a hot blanket. You think you should maybe get this checked out”
by someone or no? Okay. Just so we're clear. Yeah. I'm marking it day by day. How much it's getting better. Okay. And every day, since it was really bad, it's getting 20% better every day. So like, today, the bottom of my foot hurts a lot less. And but you don't know what caused this? I have zero idea. You were running? No, I got, well, the last time I used my leg good, I was drunk on stage with snow the product. Okay. We were singing and I was dancing and I was jumping up and down.
And so just go to my, just go to my stories. B-E-R-T. Look at this. Look at the, go back one. Let's be in my contender. Look, can you see that Achilles? Yeah. Yeah. It looks aggressive. And your foot was hurting a lot? Yeah. My, my, my planar fasciitis is hurting less. Right now, it's my calf. God. But the more I use it throughout the day, and if I work out, it feels a lot better. That's good. So I don't know. I'm going to give it through the weekend and, and if it's still
hurts, I'm going to go Monday to a doctor. But you know, but, but I address or like, Dennis, start real doctors. Right. So we, we have to not, we got to beat Cheli. That's got to be the goal, right?
Yeah.
until you got skinnier than exactly. Now it's like, hey, man, chill the fuck up. Bro,
“you know, you think, hang on, I want to, I want to do a thought. I want to do a, I did this”
drunk and I got and Liam almost got mad at me. Okay. Get ready to clip this out. Everyone, you're going to love this take. Jake Paul is should go down in history as a God. Jake Paul, I went to the Jake Paul fight. Yeah. And I'm sitting, I'm sitting there, I'm sitting with Matt Wright by the way, probably the funnest guy to sit with. Yeah. Because if you forget, you forget how quick comics catch each other. You know, like you forget how our short hand with each other
happens so quickly. So I'm sitting there and I'm sitting in a Serena. It's out. Michael Irving sitting right next to Matt Wright. He's the Ricky Fowler's down there. I mean, the, the place is packed with celebrities. Uh, cast on cam, I saw Timberland. I mean, it's, it's packed with celebrities. And I'm looking in there and I go, this is, and I mean, this respectfully, this is just Jake Paul. I'm looking at Michael Irving who was given every gift by the Lord to be a physical specimen
an incompatible. I mean, you cannot compete with Michael Irving to this day. He is still an amazing
shape at 60 years old. Yeah. But he didn't make $90 million in a ring. Now it was incredible. And
and I'm looking at Joshua Anthony, Joshua Anthony Anthony Josh from the same same. Yeah. He doesn't have the ability. He does not have the ability to make $90 million. He had to get Jake to get him to win, make $90 million before this. He wasn't making $90 million and they both made $90 million in Jake Paul. And I apologize if this is Chris is not an athlete. He's not. He isn't athlete. Okay. He's, but no, I'm saying, I'm saying, when, if, if, no, he coach, he's now an athlete, right?
But never in life did anyone pick it? I don't know. Like they did Michael Irving. Yeah. Like they did Michael Vic and go, this is what he created something. You're right. He created. Yeah. He created
“that. That is willpower. Yeah. And that's what makes him a god is he created out of sheer”
willpower. If you are a guy thinking what the fuck am I doing with my life? Look at Jake Paul and take a page out of his book because that kid created something out of absolutely fucking nothing. And then I look at Logan Paul who, by the way, is an amazing professional wrestler. Yeah. And I look at Logan Paul. And I go, by the way, good looking kid. Not the best looking kid in this room. But the fucking most famous person in this god damn arena. Holy shit. They made something happy.
These two kids are the American dream. They are the American fucking dream. And I will always,
there's going to be a great documentary about this. I will take a need of them for the rest of my life because they, they are, they are gods. The boys, the Gen Z boys that fucking rule the internet. My cousins. My cousins have me in a chat thread right now. But they muted me because they don't want to hear from boomers. So I can't respond. I can just read all their fucking texts. Fucking assholes. And they are, they are the red pill in cells. My cousins. And they were making fun of Jake Paul.
And I want, I want a fucking talk to them and go, hey, listen, fuck faces. Jake and Logan Paul are better than any gene in our family. We fucking should take a need. You all need a fucking take a need of these two men. They did something really impressive. You do have to give me a
incredible. Yes, for I agree. I agree. Dude, like he made himself, the kid can listen.
Jake can box. He's not an elite boxer. But he is, he has, he looks. He's looking, but he did do brilliantly, was create the persona and, and he understands something that all the, the old school
“promoters understand, which is like, you have to create drama. You have to create villains.”
Like, people are more excited to watch somebody that they hate lose than they are to watch somebody that they love win. They want to see the loss. And he embraced that. And he got it. And then he was able to build this thing out. Out of nothing. Out of nothing. It is, it's enjoyable. Out of joke. They thought fucking two YouTubers all fought. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's insane. I'm sitting in a Serena going, he created this. That's the thing that blows me away.
He created this. He created this. And, and I, and I thought to myself, I don't think I've performed in that arena. I don't think so. It's in Miami. I don't think I've ever done Miami. But like, I thought to myself, was it the arena or the stadium, Serena? So, American Airlines arena?
I mean, no, that's Dallas.
no, no slide on Jake, whatever. But as I do the same size venues as this. But I've, it took me 20
years to work 25 years to work to get there to bust my ass at an art form. I'm pretty fucking high
level at. And, and I, and I, and I think I knew it a very young age. And I was really talented
“at this. And that's what gave me foot. He just did it out of nothing. It's pretty crazy, man.”
It's insane. I honestly, there will be a documentary. There will be, there should be a class talk about the Paul brothers in college. In college, freshman year. And I'm, I'm telling you,
“I really believe it. They are as important to our country as Abraham Lincoln. This is where I”
lost Lee and two. This is where I lost Lee and two. John F. Kennedy. Lee and goes, "You're talking about Jake Paul." And I was like, "I know." But he's as important as
“fucking George Washington. Well, they will use this in the documentary. So, good, good for you on that.”
Don't forget, watch Free Bird, which comes out January 22nd. Free Bird, January 22nd. I hope you like it. I hope you like it. My special teacher is streaming right now. And Netflix, please watch it. And, um, two bears 5k coming your way. Come to the end. But, you know, when we created it, I'm OK by May. There you go. All right. See you guys. Love you. Love you.
Clean. Here's what we call. Two bears 1k.
