We’re Not Just Raising Boys - We’re Shaping Men: 10 Actions to Start Today

Okay, besties. Today it's me, Dina. Kristen actually has a killer migraine and she is like throwing up at home to be honest. So she is out for the count friends and I'm so excited to spend time with you. I just came fresh off of mom duty. I made a meatloaf for dinner, which by the way,

“like meatloaf is so good. I forgot about it for I think a few years and then randomly,”

I was like, wait a minute, I used to love this and I made one like holy shit. So good in case you forgot, definitely make a meatloaf soon, which I think we need a better word for it because that sounds really gross. Secondly, I was just watching a little bit of love is blind to unwind a little bit from my day. And my god, related to today's topic, those, those men, those men are why we're having this conversation

today. But as I was watching this episode, they were doing some laundry and Emma was like, oh, you sort your colors, right? To do your laundry and he was like, of course I do. And then they both concluded that only serial killers don't sort colors for laundry. And I had a moment, I had a moment where I was like, oh, no, that's me. I know, I'm really specific about so many things in life.

“Like, I am the person who when my husband loads the dishwasher, I will literally go reload the”

entire thing so that it is just perfect and uses all the space as effectively as possible.

But shockingly, I don't sort colors for laundry. And I pretty much never have. I used to at one point

and then you know what I realized? Nothing bad happens. I have literally never once had colors run into the others or clothes get ruined. I feel like that's maybe a thing so don't take my word on it. It probably can happen with new clothes. I've never had anything bad happen. And this is one of the areas of my life where I'm like, you know what, if nothing bad's going to happen. Like, I'm going to save myself some time and energy. It is all going in in the same load and maybe I'm a serial killer.

I'm not, but you know what I mean? Anyway, as love is blind, definitely need to be raising better men in this world. So let's just dive into today's topic together. Welcome to after bedtime,

where the house is finally quiet, but the real noise begins. The thoughts, the questions,

the wondering if you're doing any of this right. We're Kristen and Dina child behavior experts, moms and co-founders of big little feelings. And we're not here to give you more pressure or perfect parenting energy. Nope, we're here to tell the truth. The unfiltered, beautiful, brutal truth about what it means to raise kids and re-raise ourselves in the process. Because parenting isn't just about sleep schedules and snack hacks. It's about healing. It's about breaking cycles.

It's about becoming the kind of adult you want your kids to grow up to be. This is the place where we say the quiet parts out loud and we're so glad that you're here. Okay, besties. Like I said, I am raising three boys. Right now they are five, four, and five months old. And sometimes I'm watching my older ones. You know, they're like wrestling on the floor. They're crying over a broken legotower. They're yelling, "Watch me for the thousandth time." And I feel this really deep awareness

that these little boys are going to be growing into men. They're going to be out in the world in relationships one day. And like I said, we are living in a time where that matters. Maybe more than ever. And finally, we're having these real conversations about what it means to be a man in the world. And about the real things that go with it, about harm, about empathy gaps and entitlement, an emotional suppression. All these things are finally coming to light. And how do you raise a good

man? Not a nice boy, not a compliant kid. But a man who is emotionally safe, who is accountable, empathic, regulated, respectful and ultimately secure in himself. And the science on this is really, really clear. Those traits are not going to just appear when they're grown-ups. We have to build them. We have to build them now in childhood. So first, let's talk about boys specifically for a minute. Are they different than girls? Because I hear a lot of this conversation out and about in the

“world in the parenting world. And here's the thing, boys and girls are far more similar than”

different emotionally. We don't always treat them that way and we're going to get into that.

Because that is really important. But there are some very real biological and social differences that matter when it comes to parenting. For example, let's zoom in on testosterone and activity. So even in early childhood, boys have slightly higher baseline testosterone levels. And that can be associated with higher activity levels and more physical play and more rough and tumble behavior.

especially when we're not trying to over control our kids. And we let our kids explore and be kids. Which is an amazing thing. It's important to know that that rough play is in aggression.

“It's honestly to some degree. It's regulation practice for these little boys. And the”

research shows that rough and tumble play can actually help build self-control and social boundaries and emotional regulation. So when your little boys are wrestling and crashing and tackling each other, it's not something bad. It's actually quite developmental. But now let's double tap on that emotional difference piece because studies do show that boys and girls experience similar emotional intensity.

But the key thing here is boys receive different responses. They get less comfort for sadness

and they get more tolerance for anger, more discouragement of vulnerability. So differences in adult men's emotional expression are largely largely socialized, not innate. And that means that parenting you and me matters enormously here in the outcomes and how we're shaping their sense of self, how we're shaping their emotional bandwidth, their emotional awareness and their coping skills. What I'm saying is you and I have a responsibility to make sure that little boys are getting

the emotional skills they actually need for the rest of their lives. I'm going to cover a bunch of really concrete tools that we can start using today with your little boys. We're going to do quick hits, keep it interesting, keep it moving. And basically I want this to feel so practical. Let's kick it off with this idea of emotional literacy. A lot of men when you ask them about their childhood, they got the whole boys don't cry, think boys are strong, anger was more okay

to express than any other sadness or fear. So we're flipping that around because the science is pretty clear. That doesn't help. What we actually want to teach is yeah, you can cry and yes,

“you can be hurt and yes, you can be scared. These are all natural and important healthy”

healthy feelings. That need to be expressed. And when you look at the actual research, again, of socializing our boys, parents use fewer emotional words with their boys than their girls. Boys are way more likely to hear things like stop crying or shake it off and keep going, but when you're able to get in there with them and regulate and coach them through their emotions, you know what you get, better regulation, lower aggression, hello, and stronger, healthier

relationships over time. So let's teach our little boys about their feelings and also that it's okay to feel the whole range of feelings. It does not make you weak. If anything, the research is clear. It lowers violence risk. It brings better mental health outcomes and better partner outcomes. So all in all, just know, teaching your little boys about their feelings and how to express them doesn't reduce masculinity. It actually depends their humanity and makes it more likely that

they're going to be healthier in relationships later. You already know this, as a parent,

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That's PIQUElife.com/BLF. That one might've felt really kind of clear because I feel like finally society is catching up and starting to teach our boys about that one. Here's one that's a little out of the box,

“but I think it's really important. That we teach little boys about periods early. This one”

matters really deeply to me. I'm someone who suffers from endometriosis. My periods are horrible and excruciating, but even on the best day, women and hormones, it is a rollercoaster ride. And periods you're kind of a different person for a few days out of the month. You're not firing like you usually do. You do not feel great and not the very least you're inconvenienced in a lot of ways. For me, personally, my boys will grow up understanding that menstruation, that cycles and periods are normal

human biology. It is not a mystery. It is not disgusting or taboo. This is normal body stuff. So how do I actually do this? I have conversations with them about it. When they were really, really little, we just called it Mama Blood. I know that may sound weird to you, but it made sense to a toddler brain because it's so direct and straightforward. And yeah, they're around me all the time. They see what's going on. I taught them about tampons. I taught them about pads and I

explained it that Mama Blood happens because inside my body, there is a home for babies. It's a home

that you grew up in. And that's amazing. And so when there's no baby in my body, for that month,

my body gets rid of that home in there and clears it all out, which comes out with blood. So it can build a new little home in case a baby comes in there next month. So it has a fresh home. My husband and I have also explained during those days of my cycle where I'm slower and I need to rest more. We explain it to the boys. Mama has her period. Mama has to rest more. So Daddy's more available for you. He's going to help you more. Well, Mama takes it easy because I want them

to know that in their families, that is normal. And I want them to experience early on that men fill in the gaps. A real partner is going to show up for their partner in the time

you've been here long enough. You already know this. My husband and I have had to work so hard

on that part of our relationship, partly because he did not experience that growing up. He experienced the more typical thing that Mama just pushed through. Mama gives everything. Mama's go until they break. And that is not how I want to raise my voice. But aside from that, all the science shows that boys early exposure to menstruation education predicts less stigma, more supportive partner behavior like I just mentioned, and healthier gender attitudes. And why this matters so deeply is that many

many girls experience shame about periods, partly because boys are taught to ignore it or to laugh at it. I'm sure so many of you listening right now are probably having flashbacks to high school

and the embarrassing moments. I know I did. I remember the first time I had my night's school. I

literally had white jeans on, which like I can't even imagine wearing jeans. Now, but I had

“white jeans. And I was so embarrassed that day. It was honestly traumatizing. And I wish we'd”

lived in a world where boys were socialized about periods earlier and so were girls to know that women's bodies are not gross. This is very, very healthy and beautiful. Honestly, my boys come up and they rub my belly often and they say this was my home and it literally brings tears to my eyes because yes, how fucking magical is that? And that is what we need to teach our kids early on. Let's move on to another big, big one, especially in the context of little boys

being physical and being playful and wrestling each other all the time, consent and bodily autonomy.

This is one of the most important tools that we can give our boys early in their lives.

So I've started consent education in toddlerhood. We asked before touching. We asked before we hug each other. We stop when someone says stop because the thing is with little kids, boundary respect develops really early and kids who are taught consent early on show better boundary awareness and less coercive behavior over time. The bottom line is other bodies are never ever yours to control. Only you live in your body and somebody else lives in their

“body and they know it's best and they know what they feel and the most important thing because”

kids are going to play and they're going to wrestle and they're going to rough tumble with each other when somebody says stop, we put our hands up and we stop right away. So this is one of those important things are early on where when we talk about boundaries, we are not just talking about words. We're also talking about actions. From the get go, we've repeated this often when someone says stop, we put our hands up, we stop right away. Then this is the next part. We help everyone

follow through because this is not optional. So when I hear it, I will literally echo it out loud like a megaphone. I heard him say stop, hands up right away. That way, in case they can't remember themselves in that moment while they're playing, it's right there for them. It is top of mind. Here's your reminder. This is what we do and it's not optional. Then, if they are not stopping,

“I do not sit and beg 10 times, which is an interesting thing. I think we all have is to be like,”

hey, stop. I heard stop, stop, stop, stop and now we're begging. So instead, we calm confidently step in when they're little. You know what? I heard him say stop. I'm going to help you come off him. We're going to take space from each other. He said stop and when someone says stop, we stop. This is bodily autonomy and it matters. What it also means is that we're going to be modeling it in our own wrestling with them because, yes, we all have to tickle and wrestle our kids. One,

ask them if it's okay with them beforehand. Model that. That's consent. And two, when they say stop, make it dramatic. Make it exaggerated so that they see how this works. I heard you say stop. I'm going to stop right away. And by the way, consent can come in all shapes and forms. Think about when you're seeing grandma, right? You can literally practice it then. Do you want to give grandma a hug? Oh, you don't. Okay, let's wave. Hello. Let's wave goodbye. Let's blow her a kiss.

This is consent. This is letting your kid be in charge of their body and helping them understand that there no matters. We're not going to be pressured into having to give a hug like a lot of us were. We're going to use this as an opportunity. And I know this feels so small and so silly to here in some ways of like, oh my god, like, you're not going to make them give a hug. That's ridiculous. But listen, I would hope grandma is an adult who can understand that being wave two or

being said goodbye is a perfectly fine and loving way to say it as we're practicing being in charge

When they're in that situation, all by themselves and someone says no or stop and they actually

“stop. It starts with us right now. Okay, let's move on to another one that I have been teaching my”

boys super super early. And this is a really 2026 modern thing, which I'm super proud of. And again, something my husband has had to catch up on in his adult life, giving your boys housework skills. So what does it actually look like? A good handful of days while I'm cooking, I will give them a little cutting board and a kid's safe knife and I will have them cut the avocado, the strawberries, the zucchini, you know, whatever their little plastic knife can actually

cut through. That's their job. They help with cooking, which by the way is not only great for

giving them actual skills for the rest of life, like imagine when they're older and they can

actually go cook themselves something and cook for their family. But another added benefit is if you have a picky eater, this is like one of the number when things you can do is get them involved with food prep because all the research shows the more they're involved with touching the food, preparing the food, the more likely they are to try the food and eat the food because now they're more comfortable with it. So that's a little hack to integrate into your life. And by the way,

“do I have them doing this every single day with me? No, I don't because real life is sometimes”

I'm tired and I don't want to deal with little kids making a mess or things going slower. Sometimes

I just got to get stuff done, you know. But some days I have that bandwidth and those are the days

where I really want to teach them how to cook and have a real life skill. The other half of the days they're probably watching TV while I cook. Another thing I've had them do since they're a little they help with laundry. They load that laundry machine with me. They turn it on. When we're folding, they have these little indoor bikes that they love and they stack up their laundry and they go deliver it back to their drawers, which by the way, they're better at meat than putting the laundry

away. That is like one of the hardest things for me is putting the damn laundry away. They're better at it than I am. Thank God. I'm the kind of person who's just going to pick through the pile of clean clothes that's still above the laundry machine. They also help with vacuuming around our house. They help wipe the counters. They help load and unload our dishwasher some days, not all days. That's not real life. But the point is getting them involved early, giving them

that age appropriate involvement and controlling collaboration makes them feel like this is part of normal life. This is just part of being in a family. And then the part where we level it up, they see their dad doing all this, which I feel damn proud about because he did not see his father do any of this stuff, not a single thing. Okay, so this is brand new. This is hard work and this is rewiring and building new skills in real time. But when you're little boys, see another

man doing these things in the house, that impacts them greatly. It shapes their idea of what a man's role is. What a strong man that you admire how he takes care of a family. And again, we had to go to tons of couples therapy to get to this point. I'm so happy we did because it's worth it. It could have been free, right? It could have just been him jumping in and doing the things, but it took us a lot of work. And I'm hoping that we can skip that stuff from my boys in the

future when they're in their own family. Let's jump to another big, big one when it comes to raising boys. Anger is allowed. Harm is not. So in our society, boys often learn that sadness means you're weak, but anger is allowed. It is so much more socially acceptable for guys to be angry. And you see it. You know exactly what I'm talking about. We see it in our politics. We see it in our homes. And that is something that does not need to continue. The world would be a better

place without this one. So how do we teach our little boys that anger is okay? The feeling is okay and it's all about how we let it out in safe, constructive ways. That is something that we teach them. It is okay to feel angry. It is okay to feel upset or disappointed or sad. We don't hurt people. And that means it goes beyond the words, right? We're stepping in with boundaries. We're keeping the siblings safe. We're not letting it be optional that they hurt each other. And we do the

“other important thing, which is we actually teach and practice how to release the anger safely”

once they've come down. Once their brain is able to take in that new information. Little kids are new to this whole life thing. They're going to be going through feelings and situations that are confusing and overwhelming. You are an adult. You have the life perspective, the experience and the skills to be able to coach them through these hard moments and teach them what they can actually do.

their needs. I need some space. I said stop. No, I don't like that. Oh, and put this example

back with sharing what they need. I want to turn. It sounds like regulation skills and learning how to calm down safely. We can take a deep breath. We can count to four slowly. We can say, I'm feeling mad. We can ask for help. Get a teacher. Get a grown up. If you need help if someone's not listening to you or stopping when you say stop, you can run jump, stomp, roar like a lion, let it out that way. These are all safe ways to let your mad feelings out because

“mad is healthy. Mad is good to some degree. You need to feel mad. It teaches you where your boundaries”

are. It teaches you what's okay with you. What's not okay with you? Where you need to make some changes? Mad is good, which a lot of us, especially as women, are relearning now in our adult hoods and it's just about learning how to express it. And again, making sure that our little boys are comfortable feeling all the other feelings as well. Sad, disappointed, scared. Because a lot of times anger is just the tip of the ice cube. It's the one that you're seeing and under that

there is so much more happening. You're feeling left out. You're feeling rejected. You're feeling insecure. You're feeling sad, scared. jealous. Whatever it may be, there's often a deeper, deeper feeling under that anger. And that's what we want to help them get to. Another quick hit, we want to teach repair and accountability. Something that a lot of men who weren't given a great

“solid social emotional foundation then struggle with. So what I teach is when you hurt someone,”

you own it. You take accountability for it and then you repair it. So many boys are socialized towards externalizing blame. More often than girls are. But all the science shows that when you teach kids to be accountable, it actually predicts their level of empathy, their responsibility, and their pro social, it get a good social behaviors. So we got to teach these boys that being a

good man isn't about never messing up. It's about owning your impact and making sure that

you are caring about that other person. This is something we can teach right now. By the way, every time that you mess up as a parent, think of it as an opportunity to teach this in real time. You go up. You say, you know what? I lost my cool. I'm sorry about that. I yelled. I'm sure that made you feel scared and yucky inside. And that was my fault. I didn't handle that as well as I

“could. I'm going to keep working on that and I love you. Okay, you're a good kid. I'm going to keep”

working on it. Because we're all working on things. Isn't that such a relief that you get to be human in any time you mess up? It's the greatest opportunity to show them how to be a good person. Hell yeah. Besties. If you listen to this pod for long enough, you will know, I love bed and love sleeping. It's my hobby when people are like, what's your hobby? It's sleeping. You know, it's just reclining in bed, even when not sleeping. Before kids, I was such a

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“So something I teach is how do you think that felt for him? What happened in her body?”

What is her face saying? What do you think she's feeling inside? And this is because empathy circuits of your brain strengthen with practice. And what we know is that little boys receive less empathy coaching than girls. So if we can up the amount that we're practicing and we're talking about this stuff with them, we are literally building their brains to be more empathic and to take perspective more. And the science even shows that doing this lowers aggression. And the takeaway

here is that other people feel as real as you do. What a beautiful thing to bring into a relationship. A man who can take perspective and understand that you're feeling something without completely shutting down goals. And our last tip today, what we're teaching our boys is that relationship should feel safe. This is something we teach through, yes, our conversations and our language, but also how we're treating our boys, how we react to them when they make a mistake, when they're having

a hard time, when they're having big feelings. And the bottom line, the takeaway that we want them

“to have for their life is you never scare people you love. You never control people that you love.”

This is like the core of everything that we do here at Big Little Feelings. It's the generational stuff that we're all changing together because we know the science is clear, exposure to coercive dynamics, predicts later aggression. And if you can raise kids who have a secure attachment with you, aka who aren't scared, who can express themselves who can be vulnerable and build real coping skills, that predicts emotional regulation and relational safety and empathy for later in life.

So the big takeaway for our boys here is that love feels safe. Not scary. You don't have to be afraid. And that's why I'm so happy that we are doing this work together of getting rid of punishments with our kids. Fuck that punishments are fear-based. That's when we're threatening our kids. We're throwing them into their rooms anytime they misbehaved. It's that I can't even stand to look at you. Just go. It's spanking them. It's it's shaming them with our words. Punishment

doesn't teach better behavior. It breaks our kids. Now what we're all really trying to do as parents is shape behavior and shape a moral compass and that happens through discipline. Discipline is not punishment. Discipline is not fear-based because discipline doesn't ask how do I make this

as the parent right now through my words and my actions help them build that skill? And that doesn't

“mean that we're going to do it perfectly every time we're humans. We're going to have moments where”

of course we slip up. But we make it the foundation of our parenting approach. We make it most of the time. We're responding in these ways. We're we're not reactive. We're not scaring them. We're not making them feel like garbage for their mistakes or their behavior or whatever they said. We are showing up as the sturdy, regulated parent who is guiding them through life, guiding them through feelings and helping them problem solve and cope. Sounds easy when I say it. Obviously,

very, very hard work when you actually care in your intentional about your parenting. So all in all, your kids and your boys are very, very lucky to have you. And I feel super

“grateful to be parenting with you through this time of life. I feel really, really hopeful, especially”

with all the tools we just covered for this next generation. We've all taught little girls that they can do anything just as well as boys. They can be anything. And now it's time that we really you put the love and care and intention into how we're raising our boys so that they hear the message,

you can feel it all. You can be strong and emotional. So here's what I want to leave you with today.

If you're raising a boy or loving a boy, you are not just getting him through childhood. You are shaping the kind of man the world will one day. A man who knows his feelings instead of fearing them and a man who takes responsibility instead of deflecting it. And a man who respects

“boundaries, honors consent and uses his strength to protect not to control. That doesn't start at”

18. It starts in your kitchen. It starts on your floor. It starts in your daily ordinary moments of parenting. Every time you let your son cry and set a telling him to toughen up and move on,

every time you teach him to repair and set a shaming him, every time you model respect and empathy

and care in your home, you are literally building a different future. Because boys who are allowed to stay emotionally whole become men who are safe to the world. And that work, the quiet daily unseen work of raising good men, it matters more than almost anything else we do as parents. So if you're in the thick of it with little boys right now, I want you to feel proud. You're not just raising kids, you're shaping men. And the world needs the kind that you're raising. I'm really

proud of you. I'm proud of us for showing up like this every single day we are in this together. We're going to change the world. And lastly, I know we covered a lot here. We talked about discipline. Discipline is one of those things that's really confusing because there are so many different opinions out there, send them to timeout, ignore them, lecture them, take something away from them. So how the hell do you change behavior? In a way that actually works, but also doesn't

break their self-esteem and their self-worth. Well, good news. We have our courses on our website. We walk you through all of that. We will literally give you a research-based toolbox for discipline to help you tackle those tough behaviors while also raising resilient, strong kids in this world. We've done the work for you. Step by step, game plans to tackle anything you could encounter, go to biglittlefeelings.com/courses and you will find all the resources you need. There are

plus tons of free resources on all sorts of things and behaviors that you're probably encountering in daily life. We are here to help. All right, besties. I'm going to go crawl back into my bed now. I'm going to go turn on love is blind and manifest better boys in the world as I watch that show. Thanks for doing the work. Thanks for being new and we'll see you here next week. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products

and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.