Armchair Anonymous: Stealing III

I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear,

and today is stealing part three. - Woo!

“- Tell us about it time, you stole something.”

People are stealing stuff. - They're out there stealing, especially you. - Yeah. - You've done it once. - You've been a little bit more, but still not a ton. - Okay. - Okay.

- It wasn't a pattern. - No, I had friends that were my choice. - Okay. - I'll just say that. - Okay. - And then in friends that were better, you. - Thank you. - Yeah.

- All right, I stole once. - Cookies. - Yeah. - Please enjoy stealing part three. (upbeat music) ♪ Come and go ♪

♪ Good times ♪ ♪ Take 'em slow ♪ ♪ My life ♪ ♪ I had a move ♪ ♪ Remember one thing ♪

♪ You got to know ♪ ♪ I'm a keepin' shiny ♪

- Are you the x-a-bound guy?

- Can you hear us? - I can. How are you? - Wonderful. - Where are you, John? - Currently, I'm actually in a fishing/skiing cabin

in Southern Vermont. - Ooh.

“- Oh boy, I just read that's one of the safest places”

in the country, Vermont. You feel safe there, John. I do, we are in the middle of absolutely nowhere. - Oh wow. - And this is a cabin you owner, you've rented or you're a guest of.

- This is actually a yearly fishing trip, and this is year number 36. - Whoa. - That's so cool. Friends or family, friends and family, it's made it through COVID and wars and you name it.

- I love that. - That's such an enviable tradition. - Yeah, that's beautiful. Shout out to my friends who helped me set up this spot. And what kind of fish are we getting?

Is there one or after in particular? - Trap, trout. - Oh. - And you eat 'em, is ketchup. Personally, I have a shellfish allergy.

I don't eat fish, I don't partake in that part of it, but it's good just to be here. - Yeah, when buddies have tried to talk me into fishing, I'm like, let's start with the fact that I do not want to eat a fish, period.

I don't care how well you cook it. And then also, they're slimy. I'm not dying to touch one. And then the bait also grows generally. - For me, in general, it's not great,

but we go along with the fish. The theme of the weekend. - Okay, so, wow, already shocked, 'cause you have such a trustworthy face, but you're a fucking thief, John, you're a terrible thief.

- Yes. - You're a bad, bad person, John. - Not my proudest moment, but I have stolen. - Sure, I have to. - Me too, we've all stolen.

- Rob, have you stolen? - Yeah, probably, yeah. - Rob, I believe. - Is it, it's like, kind of universal. - Make sure realize that the fish is stolen, right?

- Okay, set the stage for us. - I actually grew up in one of the boroughs in New York City. So this happens in one of the five boroughs. I'm gonna leave that out. We'll try and keep this somewhat anonymous, okay.

So this is the summer of Little bit hazy 1999, maybe 2000, not quite 21, maybe a year out of high school. Little bit of a different time. All of us had fake IDs, we were able to go to bars. So we, one night just decided to go out

and have a huge rinks, got a little creative, you know how those nights can go. We go about our business, we have a good time. We did the right thing, we walked. Now these are city blocks.

We're probably 10, maybe 15 blocks from my house. So we decided to walk home. Now fast forward to the next night. We were having a party at my house. So we thought it would be great

to have a party favor just to kind of share with the group. So on the way, another friend of ours house, very old school Italian family. So grandparents off the boat, I don't know if that's actually

“a thing off the boat, but that's what we say chart.”

- Yeah. - Now if you can picture, they had in their front yard, a, for like a better way of saying it, a concrete donkey. So this is decorative. - For people who have not been to some of the boroughs in New York,

this is kind of standard fair for the Italians, right? They like a nice lawn statue, really? - If it's made of concrete, we can see lions head, you can see donkey. - Wow.

- It is a thing. I went this Christmas. My brother and I went to one of these neighborhoods. I think it was deep and Brooklyn, but it was like it's known for every house is so decorated.

And we were walking along there,

aside from the incredible light decorations,

it was like again, a ton of lawn statues. You can't help but notice that. - So we thought it would be a good idea to transplant one of these statues from my friend's house to my house, just to joke for the party,

the next day. - And he wasn't with you in your group of guys that were at the bar, right? - No, they were just a couple of us at the bar. So we thought it'd be a nice surprise for him the next day.

A little bit fuzzy on the details, but it was buried, they are quite heavy. (laughing) I've looked them up, they're probably in the realm of a hundred to 125 pounds.

- Oh wow. - This one had been there for quite some time, so it was a bit in the ground. So we must have had to have done a little bit work just to get it up.

We bring the donkey back to my house. We think we go through the kitchen upstairs to the bedrooms and off to bed next morning, brightenerally, I wake up to what I can only describe now is just blood curdling screams coming from the kitchen

- Oh, I'm awoken by this, I come out of the bedroom,

“I look downstairs and just a murder scene.”

Blood and dirt and hand prints and drag marks all over the wall, the floors are covered in mud. - Oh my God. So it turns out the donkey was buried a bit more than we had remembered.

It was on top of another concrete block, probably a good eight to 12 inches into the ground. We of course coming from barhead no tools in us, so we used our hands, we used whatever we could find to dig it out.

Those were the remnants of us thinking we just gently went off to bed. It's just an absolute mess everywhere. - You guys are bleeding, profusely, and didn't realize it.

- Hands were cut, arms were cut. - Well, it probably just carrying at home, too. You guys got up some shade. - We couldn't get the wagon. That was attached to the donkey out on the back of the donkey.

We're two metal handles that the wagon attached to. That's what we brought it home with. Just raking open our legs. Just cut since the dirt ever. So a little bit of a different time

that was underage at the time. My parents were okay with hosting parties at the house as long as everyone kind of dropped their keys in a bowl, no one was driving, you know, was kind of the city.

So no real need for that. My parents did allow us to go ahead with the party we were having on night number two. Okay, so it was mom the one screen, like what the fuck happened to my kitchen.

Mom was upset. It looked as though we dragged a dead body through the house. Now the donkey was tucked out back. (laughing) We were a little worse for the wear.

So we clean the house, parties starting as planned on night number two. Maybe about an hour in, we hear a car just screeching down the street. We could hear it from the backyard.

We come up front just to see what's going on. The brother of the friend that we had borrowed the donkey from comes out of a gigantic Cadillac. Baseball bat in here. Oh, yes, so New York, I love this.

So to set this stage, none of these rumors are ever confirmed but he was rumored to be an enforcer for the New York mafia. Great, perfect, perfect scenario. You know, exactly what you want.

Yeah, he comes out yelling and screaming. My grandparents are heartbroken. These bastard kids took this from the front yard.

“We meant to keep it secret but we told everyone”

who was there and this is a little bit before cell phones but we're got around so he knew what was going on. We of course come out, we're playing on my mother here is is now having gone through the horror scene earlier hasn't quite put two and two together.

She comes out, starts yelling at him. They're going back and forth.

Finally, you know, something along the lines was set

of get your animal son off of my property or an animal brother or whatever it was. Yeah. So to give you an idea, you know, my mother is kind of a definition of New York grit

for her to stand up to this. First thing that to get doesn't really know what's going on. We'll end a baseball bat. Yeah, just an idea of the type of person that she can be.

She had received a Christmas card a few years prior to this from someone that she had deemed wronged her who knows what it was still unknown to this day. She thought the best course of action was to take that Christmas card,

tear it up into about a hundred pieces, gently put it back in an envelope, address it, also put a return address, which was her house and mail it back to the person. Right, okay, all right.

All right. She can hold a grudge. She can hold a grudge and she's seen some stuff. So yelling is going on close to becoming physical.

Finally, the brother leaves.

We play completely dumb about the donkey. My mother turns around and sees my friend and I, the one from the night before who they are. And she kind of puts it together and says, so is this what that mess was?

Well, as night, did you steal a goddamn donkey? (laughing) And I was like, maybe she's like, from the New York mafia. (laughing)

Everything after that kind of just died down. I'd like to say, you know, our plan was to give it to my friend that day, back to his family, didn't happen. That donkey has made a move with me five, six,

seven times over the last 30 years. I was never returned. It was never returned. - 'Cause were you afraid to return it 'cause then you're just copying, uh.

- Copy, too. - Quite a bit. Yes, I had the buddy not attended the party and seen the donkey. The donkey was tucked out, it was hidden. I would not be surprised if he listens to this.

(laughing) The secret might be out. I did send a picture of the donkey. We haven't looked yet. Oh, it's a donkable.

It's very, so I will say, I have taken care of the donkey over the years. It's had quite a few paint jobs and been moved around. - I would feel this too. - I'd wanna steal it.

- Presumably the grandparents of past. That was 27 years ago, probably.

“But does the family still live in that same family house?”

- So the house is still in the family. - Oh! - The friend that we took it from, I believe at this point, has taken over the house and lives in the house.

- Oh my God. - Now, if you had to go back and see if there's just a lonely wagon sitting in the yard. I don't know if they've replaced the donkey. I could see a real beautiful ceremonial returning

all's good that ends well situation.

- I hope we don't get involved and then the mafia comes for our same world. - I think I'd roll up now, 30 years older. Slowly gets out of the car, slowly gets the baseball. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

“- If any of you have to say etiquette, you guys are being troubled.”

This makes me kind of wish I grew up there. It feels like a very fun childhood. - It was great. Until we started stealing from home. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Well, line of work, did you end up in? - The Mexican finance, I work in university finances. Yeah, finance, that's an option. You got like four things I'm gonna guess if you're from there.

It's like you're a cop. - Firefight is gonna be on fire. - Firefighter, cop, criminal finance. I think that's really it. - That's really it.

My wife and I joke, we have a son who's either gonna be the president of the United States or in jail. - Yeah, yeah. - Sometimes you can do both.

- Very true, my. I wanna give a quick shout out to my wife, Liz. She is actually the reason why I listen to you guys. - Okay, Liz. - Yeah, thanks, Liz.

That makes me so happy. I like when couples listen. I'm not like when anyone listens, but I really do think it's sweet when couples share. Anything you could share,

especially if you're married forever.

“Okay, you guys find something you both like.”

You're like, okay, I'm just gonna buy us a little more time. - Yeah, yeah. - Now play time, just relax with us. - Well, lovely. Me and you, John, thank you so much for taking time out

of your fun fishing trip to talk to us. - Yeah, you guys as well, this has been great. - Thank you. - All right, take care. Catch a big trout.

- Throat back in the water. Don't eat it. You can use paper out and you can hold it like that's does. - Yeah, that was a pike. Not that it matters, but it was a pike.

And I thought it was so big. It was 22 inches long. Then I find out that's not a very big pike. - You thought it was so big. - I thought I said a world record, yeah.

They never seen a fish that big.

- It looks big in the picture. - The stealing problem reminds me of course, several stealing situations. - He's stolen a lot. - But sometimes these situations just presented themselves.

So one time we were flying hummus with my cousin. He was two years older than me. They were flying over my car show. And I was like, "Oh, hey, before we split up, will you buy Aaron and I a couple cases of beer?"

And there was a liquor store by the airport. He's like, "Yeah, of course." So we get in the car and we go to this liquor store that we had been to before. And as we walk in, the doors wide open.

And we go inside and we're hearing and alarm, but it's not an obnoxious alarm. It sounds more like a freezer door was open or something. - No, okay. - And there are lights on, but they're not the normal lights.

I mean, all in reflection, it was kind of like the security lights. Like maybe if you lost power, something those kind of lights were on. - Okay. - And we're looking around and all of a sudden it occurs to us. Oh, God, someone is broken into this liquor store.

There's nobody here. It's closed and someone broke in. And we're like, "Oh, gosh, let's get out of here." And then I was like, "Oh, fuck, let's grab a beer." So yeah, I grabbed a couple of cases of beer.

And I did grab about five or six packs of cigarettes.

“- And did you see anyone murdered behind the camera?”

- No, I killed and know what had been stolen before we got there that the people were gone. Or maybe these thoughts come in and they hit. I don't know, but we definitely did make off with some cases of beer and some cigarettes.

But it just felt like one of these opportunities not to be missed. - Yeah, I mean, I understand that's a little bit of a pickle. - I didn't go there to steal. - But you did go to get under eight. - Yeah, that's fine.

I think everyone will agree. That's fine. ♪ Madness in ♪ - Can you hear me? - Yes, we can.

Can you hear us? - Oh my gosh, yes. - I just landed in the Philippines. I'm on my honeymoon. - Oh my gosh, congratulations.

- Yeah. - That's incredible. - You get to have sex for the first time tonight. - Well, it's actually the end of my honeymoon. We're starting our leg back to California.

I live in San Diego. So our flight was delayed. It's like 365 in the morning. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, so I was like, be able to get on the call.

- Where all did you guys go? - Well, we flew into Manila and then went immediately to Chicago, which is this kind of surf vibe, so cool. Island hot thing, and then we went to El Nito, and then we went and finished in Cron, really random,

but we've been gone for almost three weeks. - Wow. - These are all towns in the Philippines. - Different islands. - Okay, have you ever been, is it wonderful?

- It's pretty wonderful, it's pretty wild.

We were looking for a place that we would never go again,

'cause we do Europe sometimes, and we're like, where's somewhere that's gonna feel like so far crazy, and I definitely accomplished that. We definitely have had some crazy things going on. - Oh, wow, you'll have to write back for any man.

- Yeah, yeah, crazy honeymoon. Five days ago, I got this crazy thing called Jungle Rache. - Ooh. - And my butt. - Oh.

- So the whole, like, sex thing, it was so bad I had to go to the hospital. - Oh my no. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, I was like crazy.

- So bad, like, boiling. - So yeah, I'm a little tired. - Well, good, we'll probably get the most revealing version of the story in your delirium. (upbeat music)

- Yeah, I'm a thief. Monica, I just want to say, don't judge me going into the story. I'm totally grown up now.

- I stole two in the first grade.

- You've changed your ways. - So no judgment. - The story takes place when I graduated high school a few weeks after. - What city in San Diego?

- No, so I grew up in Vermont, which does kind of have a little city with a story being like, why you might think cold was a place that I would frequent or do anything like this.

So there wasn't much to do. I was 17, I had just graduated high school and as with my best friend. - I'm gonna keep her anonymous today. We're gonna call her Abigail.

I called her to let her know I'd be on this. - Thank you. - For third, I didn't use her name. - We were actually in this place called White River Junction.

I'm from like a really small town in the rural Vermont.

And we were in a bigger kind of city area for a diversion class. I don't know if you're familiar with that, but like if you got caught drinking as a minor, I can choose to go to diversion class

so that it's like wiped off my record. - Okay, great. - So I was already there for that. - Yeah, great. I'm getting a vibe.

I'm getting a vibe. We would have hung out in high school continued. - Yeah. - So me and my friend had gone caught drinking and we were there for diversion.

I had diversion early in the morning. She had a class hours later.

“And I think we're just feeling like bucket.”

Let's just like go ham. (laughing)

We did sometimes break away the local CVS

and like pocketed a couple things here and there. Like it wasn't something crazy, but I think both of us at that day were like, let's go to coals. - Oh yeah, let's take it down.

- There's not many stores in the area. There was like a pub store and not even a target. And I think coals were less security, less risk. - Cheaps, stop, let's just go ham. - Oceans 11, let's take it down.

- Yeah, so both of us grabbed carts, individual carts. And we weren't even like thinking, I'm putting everything in my cart. - So if you don't even want. - Right, because it needs to be stuff that I am gonna take

and also stuff that I am just putting in my cart to kind of trick everyone in the dressing room. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - The things that I'm like, we're taking. It's like jewelry, shirts, camis, bras, hats.

That I was like, I don't even need this shit, but we were just feeling like, let's just do it. I don't even know how much stuff was in my cart and vice versa, but we both kind of went into the dressing room and how you do it, you put stuff on in the dressing room.

I had probably like five layers of camis on and jewelry on. This is so much better.

“And both of us were like, where are you putting the tags?”

Like, you take the tags off the garments and you're like shopping them under the mirror. Like, there's enough stuff in our cart that we're like, oh yeah, we don't want these things. I have a big purse.

My purse is like, chucks full of shit. And I don't know if you guys have ever stolen much, but the adrenaline is one thing. I was relieving this cold. - Oh yeah.

- What we didn't notice, I'm honestly like, getting all anxious. I was like, what we didn't notice when we were going on our rampage was that it was stock day at cold. So there was a lot of people in the aisles

taking stock of what was in the store. Counting inventory. So there was like a lot of workers that day that I just don't think we were tracking. That were very aware of, I think, our movements.

- Oh boy. - And we didn't know what they were doing, but what they were doing was seeing essentially how much shit had been stolen over however long. And so there we are, layers on layers of blood on the two

of us, shit, stuck in my bag, thinking that we just got away with the world's greatest haste. And we're just walking out, lot of that. And you know, we walk out of the doors and no alarms go off, huge sigh of relief.

And then all of a sudden, these two guys come walking up to us very quickly.

“And they're like, you need to come with us.”

- Oh boy. - And I just like, look at my friend. And we want, I just have to run you. We are 17 years old, like, we got accepted to college and freaking out.

They tell us to come with them, get back in the store right now. They know that we've been taking stuff. They walk us to the background, all the way in the back of the store. And Miguel is just starting to get a little hysterical.

I'm starting to not be able to communicate too well with her. - Yes, you call it as an overwhelming experience for the nervous system. - Yeah, and I think we are handling it much differently,

But so they take us into the back.

And I'm like silent at this point.

“I'm not saying anything until they touch me in the act.”

And they pretty much got us back there and they're like, at dear bags right now. We've been watching you. We know that you've been taking all this stuff and to your bags.

I want to see everything. So there we go, we're emptying our bags. They also didn't know at this point that we had physical stuff on ourselves. I would go and I look at each other

and we're just like, we got to tell them. We have stuff on, you're at that point. - He's just rolling as I was like, looking at his security guard, they're like, are you fucking kidding me?

And they walk us with a female worker to the dressing room and wait for us as we're unclothing ourselves and taking everything that we take and off. And handing it to them over the dressing room.

We go back to the background.

They have everything in front of them. Abigail is hysterically crying at this point. And I'm looking at her and I'm like, pull yourself together. - You're disappointed.

You picked a wrong crime partner. - Yeah, she's pleading with them. Please don't do anything. We're going to college. Please don't call anyone.

I'll call him. I'll pay for everything.

“And he's like, we're calling the police.”

You guys have stolen over $800 worth of worth. - Oh my gosh. - That's almost impossible to do that. - That's really hard to do that. - Yeah, it's really hard to do that.

- Especially with Cole's cash. - Yeah. They're like, this is a felony offense. We're calling the police. - Oh.

- Which if you don't know anything over $500 that's felony offense. I'm just asking them if there's anything that we can do. They are not having any of it. We're on their way. They're like, we already rang the police

when we picked you up outside. Absolutely not. So we're just kind of waiting and silence until the police shot. The police shot.

There's four officers that come crammed into this background with us. I'm just paralyzed with fear. They essentially were like, you're coming down to the station like you're on the arrest.

- Oh. - They take both of our bags. Our little person, each one of us in handcuffs, they walk us out the store. In the middle of Vermont,

I know a lot of people in the area. And this room that we were in was all the way in the back of the store. So there we are handcuffed individually with the police officers holding our bags

and one hand and holding the back of us and the other and just walking us through the entire store. People are walking at us. Kids are pointing at us. - It's very shiny.

- So it's more divided. And there's two cop cars and they want to separate us. So they put Abigail on the cop car and they put me on the cop car.

Showed my head down the whole nine yards. I've gotten the cop car with him and there's like a 10 minute drive to the police station. And at this point I start crying. And you just tell me,

I'm going to be okay, I'm going to jail. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, it's so scary. - This was a good college. - I had a scholarship.

- Oh, I just was getting out of diversion. - I'm not going to be so disappointed. - And he's like, yeah, you're going to jail. This is a felony. - So we get to the jail and we are in jail.

There is a cell where in there was one other woman who seems to be on crack. So we got finger-printed munchups, all that stuff.

“And I think our bail was something like $150 not a lot.”

- We didn't have to call our parents. I think that we waited a certain amount of time. I paid the bail and we were able to go. And she kind of thought the same thing. Like she had not called her mom.

And I remember we finally got out.

It had been like maybe four hours. I called my mom. - My brother was a pot dealer and like he got and kind of in trouble with the law. So it was not the most horrifying news,

but she was very disappointed. - It was the most horrible, yeah. - Long story short, we did have to go to court. And we ended up getting a class a misdemeanor, which is just below a felony offense.

We had to go present ourselves in front of a judge. 100 people are in this courtroom awaiting their moment with a judge to plead not guilty or guilty. Our parents didn't go with us. We didn't know what to do.

And I thought this was gonna be on my record if I said not guilty. No one's advising us what to do. And so we go up to them. He's like reading the case in front of everyone.

He's like, shoplifting, coals, 800 dollars. Jesus Christ, ladies, you have nothing better to do. He's like, how do you plead we plead guilty? Because obviously we're a caught red handed. And he's like, I'm gonna stop you right there

before you do something stupid. Don't plead guilty or else you're gonna go to jail. - What? - Really? He's like, take the non guilty plea

because what just happened in the state of Vermont was like those diversion classes that we were just taking over drinking. You can now take them for a shoplifting. - Oh my God.

- Why would not guilty be-- - 'Cause maybe then they're gonna offer a plea to have to avoid having a court case over this. If I plead not guilty, then the state's got to present a case in front of a jury.

And the state's gonna go, we are not spending all this man power on prosecuting these two shopwifters. So then they would come back and offer a plea. Like, okay, if you cop to a misdemeanor,

you'll be guilty, they'll be no trial. Maybe? - Yeah, that's kind of what it was sounding like. So I remember I got $1,500 for my high school graduation and I had to stand every last time

of it on that diversion class. - Oh, it's pricey. - Yeah. - Very pricey.

- And so yeah, that ultimately is the story of how I'm never allowed

into calls for the rest of my life. (laughing) - Are you really, are you banned from calls? - I'm done with it. - Yes.

- Wow. - Sorry, you can't use calls, can't. - What if you put a ton of effort

“in it getting that expunged from your calls record?”

'Cause you were a minor and you're like, I do want the right to shop the calls too. - Yeah, I do love the other calls. - And then they could put you in a commercial like this woman fought to shop.

- Oh, wow. - It would be a full circle for everyone. - I'll give them a call. - Did you get to go to college? - I did.

- Yeah, everything was right from my record with a diversion class. And it was the wake of call, for sure. I never stole a gun. - Oh, that's good.

That's good. - Sometimes we got a hit rock bomb. - Yeah, yeah. Madison, we're so grateful that you took time out of your honeymoon and your jungle bot

to find Wi-Fi in a toilet and tell us the story. - I know, I can't believe I'm all kind of like, this is how I have to see it guys. Can I just give a quick shot at my arm cherry besties? I have an arm cherry shirt

because I'm not wearing my friend Emily got it for me and it's a really great station. - Oh, it's a good one. - Anytime, anyone's like, stay shut. - Well, yeah, it's a great station.

- We're on the grind station.

“- My girlfriend's Emily and Laura love them”

and we're on cherry groups.

So we always de-brose the episodes.

- I love you guys so much. This is so surreal. - Oh, I'm so amazed. - We'll shout out to them and so nice meeting you, Madison. - I hope you get home safely.

- Thank you. - Nice to meet you, guys. - Take care. - Hello, hello. - Occasionally we have an arm cherry with the headset

like yours and I always love it 'cause it makes me think we're either gaming together or I've called AT&T. - I do feel like I'm gonna do some telemarketing after this.

- You sure are. - And where are you Rachel? - I am in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. - Oh, lovely. What a lovely city Milwaukee is. - You don't expect a lot of stealing there.

- Well, the Vernon Shirley were rascals. They were there in Milwaukee. I guarantee there's an episode where they steal something and they did all the high drinks. - Well, this does not take place in Milwaukee.

- Okay, tell us where it takes place.

“- December 2008, my then boyfriend and I went on his work”

trip to Cancun, Mexico. This was such an exciting time for me. I was in my late 20s. This was a new relationship. We had been dating for about five months or so.

This was our first big trip together. This was my first time going to Mexico. At this time in my life, I was living with more of a scarcity mentality. My had undergrad and graduate school student debt.

And so this was just like a dream come true from. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, a reprieve. - Definitely. A week before we leave for Cancun, it's my birthday. And my boyfriend gives me a gift card to the spa

at the hotel where we're going to be staying. We're in Cancun, trips going great, and it's spa day. So boyfriend goes to his meetings. And I had to the spa for my massage. I have a lovely massage experience.

And after the fact, they lead me to this relaxation lounge. Like it's a nice quiet room where you can sit and just chill after your service and enjoy some Zen. - Maybe have a tea. - Exactly.

So this is where the story is going. - Oh, wonderful. - The refreshments in this room were out of this world. And my 20 year old self was just thrilled. So we had the cucumber infused water

and the lovely teas and these platters of the most decadent tropical fruits. And the piece, there is a stance, guys, was this large bowl of the biggest cashews you have ever seen. - Oh, mm.

- How big are we talking? - Hortercised.

These puppies, they were amazing.

The salt to nut ratio was incredible. They were crunchy, but yet creamy at the same time. - I want them. - And I couldn't believe that I could just help myself to as many of these cashews as I wanted.

I enjoy these refreshments. Now it's time to go to lunch. My boyfriend gets a lunch break. So we meet for lunch. He's asking me about my morning.

Telling him how lovely my spa experience was. And then I tell him about the world's most amazing cashew nuts. He's excited that I've enjoyed my day. And he's happy that I'm having a good time,

- You're frustrated.

“You're like, you don't understand what we're talking about.”

- Exactly. So this is now when I hatch the plan to smuggle some nuts out of the spa, so I can prove to him how amazing these really are. (upbeat music)

- So because I had had a spa service that morning, I had privileges to use the spa for the rest of the day. I decide I'm gonna try out the punch pools.

I had never done that before.

I thought that sounded like that would be a nice experience. So I put on my bikini top and bottom, some regular old flip flops, and then like a swimsuit cover up. I'm having a short dress, I'm ready to go, I grab a cinch sack.

You know, there's like nylon bags that you like cinch closed at the top, they're kind of flimsy. I go to the punch pools, again, have a lovely time. I'm now done with that, and it's time to go back

“to this relaxation lounge, aka cashew paradise.”

And I'm in the locker room, and I'm realizing I did not bring a change of clothes with me. I'm in my wet bathing suit, I'm gonna take it off, no big deal. I can just throw my cover up back over myself, and you know, I got my flip flops,

and I throw the swimsuit in the bottom of my cinch sack. Go back to cashew paradise, help myself to a nice glass of cucumber and fused water, and I'm scoping out the crowd, waiting for all the guests to leave the room so I can start this nup smuggling mission.

But I'm realizing, oh shoot, now my wet swimsuit is at the bottom of this bag. I can't have nuts just willy nilly in the bottom of this bag, mixing with my wet swimsuit.

Rachel, I don't want to sound critical,

but this is a terribly laid out heist. I just want you to know, you don't have clothes, you put a wetness in the bag, you plan to take the loot. I mean, this is a terrible plan, yeah, yeah. I agree.

I've got to now have plan B, next to the infused waters are these fancy looking plastic cups. So I start filling up the cups, and I'm strategically placing them in the cinch sack, like pyramid style. Oh my god, how bad is that?

How bad is that? Just playing on top of a bad plan. There's no way these are stained up right when you carry the bag. How many of these glasses did you fill up? How many are in the bag?

I'm going to say like five or six. Oh my god, okay, you weren't for it. You took all of them. There was an excess. I'm carefully putting the straps of the cinch sack over my shoulder.

So I decided I'm going to help myself to one last glass of cucumber water. But there's a detail I forgot to mention. This spa was so gorgeous. Like when you walk into the spa, it's this beautiful white, tiled lobby reception area.

There's gorgeous flower bouquets everywhere. There's this huge Cinderella style staircase that takes you up to the second floor where all the services and amenities take place. So I walk out of the relaxation lounge. And now I just have to traverse the stairs down and exit the spa.

I can see the doors. It's just me in the staircase and then I'm home free. So I'm walking very carefully. Try not to be suspicious. I start my descent and I don't know what the heck happens.

But all of a sudden my water goes flying.

I start to a million down the stairs.

This is not just flying open. No. It's not going everywhere. And when I finally realize what has happened, I am laying on my back on the middle of this lobby floor in a pool of

cucumber water and cashew confetti totally naked. Because my cover up has now come up over my neck and shoulders.

“Honestly, it's because your equilibrium was thrown off because of all the nuts on”

your back. You think that's what it was? That's what happened. Now we call this Rachel in comedy filmmaking. This is called a set piece.

So we've set up all these different situations, you know, the wet bathing suit, the nuts, all of it's culminating perfectly at the same time. And you've executed a real life comedic set piece. And clearly everyone in the spa is worried that a guest of the hotel's fallen down of flight of stairs, right?

So they're probably panicking and running over to you. The reception staff, they literally just stood there staring. I was thankful for it because I did not want to have any sort of conversation. I jumped up as fast as I could and just bolted.

You ran out of there. High-tailed it. In the movie version, the staff starts running down the stairs to help and they all start falling off the stairs. Because you can't use all over the town.

Yeah, right. Right. That's how you get away. Is everyone's like, oh, yeah, yeah. Did you still have the cinch sack and were you able to return to your room

and have some to present to your boyfriend? Was it a successful paper at the end of the day? That's a great question. That boyfriend is now my husband.

“And I asked him about this and he does remember that there were a few”

cashews left in the bag. I have to say, Rachel, I see this with so much love in my heart. This does sound like the story of an eight-year-old. It's a little bit Mr. McGim. Right, guys.

This is like if you let an eight-year-old go to a spa by herself, all the weird dumb things she would get into. Look, spa's are exciting. Ooh, we should do spa. I think we have, but let's do it again.

I think that's how it started. That was massage, but lots go on in spa, clearly. Well, congratulations. I'm landing this bow. Did you tell him you had fallen in all that? Or did you keep that secret?

Oh, yeah, because I was so sore and I started to lose. Really undid all of the relaxation. Well, you're really tight. Yeah, I felt on the staircase here yesterday. Well, that's delightful that you ended up together.

I'm going to make you, but it is adjacent.

And we have two amazing children, Jillian and Jonah.

They're awesome, so it all worked out. Lovely. Well, that's a very cute story, Rachel. Yeah, thank you for sharing it. Thank you for having me. This was such a trip.

Okay, thanks, Rachel. Bye. Oh, how are you? How are you? Good. What kind of name should we select for you? Whatever you feel will be the best.

Okay, I'm going with Lindsay. Okay, great. Do you co-sign? I do, I like that.

“Lindsay, do you have a fun accent that I'm detecting?”

Oh, I should do. I'm from Melbourne, Australia. Oh, everybody's favorite place, Melbourne, Australia. Can't go wrong. Are you like me in flux? You would agree that the world has fallen in love with Melbourne in a way.

That's kind of new, right? Do you must have an uptick in tourism? Yes, we do, but Melbourne is a barren multicultural city. So there's a lot of diversity, which is really lovely, great coffee and great passion.

Ooh, yeah. I love that. Lindsay, do you have a stuffy nailed to the wall? Oh, you're also holding one, but do you have one also nailed to the wall? Yeah, this is my little cubby that my oldest boy has put together for me.

And he knows that these are my favorites. Oh, my God. This is from an Australian artist called CJ Hendry. And she paints, but she makes these little limited edition Judges. Oh, you call them Judges?

They're called Judges after Hannah. Okay, I have to say sorry, but they're way cuter than those ones, but the teeth. Libby, but yeah, Libby, and fruncles or whatever that other one is or from.

“Anyway, okay, so you have a stealing story before you tell us yours, we just did kind”

of a poll. We have figured that all of us have stolen, almost every kid in the States steals at some point. Do you say that's the same in Australia? Yes.

And also, which is part of the story where I'm from in the west of Melbourne, it's kind of notoriously you're either dodgy. So you still think, or you know somebody that is. Okay. So tell us your stealing story.

Just a little bit of extra, it was 30 years ago when I was 20, so I was working two jobs at the time. So one job was in a retail store with a few people, particularly one guy that we'll call Tom. He was a very flamboyant older gay gentleman, so he was probably in his 50s at that point.

And in my other job, I worked in a restaurant, so it was all hospitality, did work all week. You shut the restaurant, you go out in your patio weekend, and I would come to work on

a Monday and always have stories of all the mixture that we got up to and they really

loved hearing those stories. Retails very boring compared to restaurant world. Correct. And also, I was in the west, so we were always getting up to some of the issues. So this guy at the retail store, he knew that if there was someone who knew someone that was

dodgy, it would be me. So one day I went into work, there we came, and he said to me, "Do you happen to anybody that could help me do an insurance job on my car?" Oh, wonderful. Meaning, wait, I need more.

Easy, they're going to report it stolen, or someone's going to torch it, and then he's going to collect the insurance money. Oh, right. I'm assuming it's the same there here. Correct.

And I was like, "Sure." I had to pee. Absolutely. This won't be too hard.

So I went back to my restaurant job, spoke to my boss at the time there, who was always

up for something naughty, and always up for something that could give him some extra cash. And I said, "Hey, do you know anywhere we could potentially dump a car?" And he was like, "Yeah." So back to the retail job, and I said, "Hey, we're on, how much are you going to pay us?"

Oh, wow. Okay, great.

So I'm sorry, real quick.

So this is to like, lose the car so the car was stolen. He'll report it stolen, but really, he gave them the keys, and they drove off to the middle of the desert and dumped it. Copy. Okay.

“No, he left the key under the mat of the car.”

My friend drove us there, so there was three of us in the car. We picked up his car, and we drive off with his car, or everything's going well. But then I started to pay, thinking, "Oh, my God, I have stolen a car." And I'm like, "We're going to get arrested." Like, I've done some stuff, but nothing that's going to actually break the law.

So I said, "Oh, my God, he's like, "Don't worry about it." No one knows if the car's stolen, but we need to make it look like the car's been stolen. So he starts driving up the footpath, he's smashing into stars, breaking off mirrors. I can't say I agree with his logic, there's no reason that we've been hit a lot of stuff just because we still know you're trying to keep a little profile, probably.

Yeah, but that was his choice. It was fun, though. It was like driving up to a German car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He had this spot that he knew of. That was fenced off, and what I know now was, this is where people came to dump stone cars. They were the police, or the council had fenced off this block, and they'd put a big rise of dirt, so to get a car over this mound of dirt, you had to really like.

Oh, geez. Blanche it. There was a break in the fence, so up we went, and we were over, and I was like, "Oh, this is relatively easy. We're just hooting around in there, doing to burn out."

Oh, my God. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

“And he's like, "Okay, time to let the car go."”

So it had an edge sort of thumb in the waist style that we were to drive or push this car over the edge, and below was just a creek, like a river. So he's puts a rock on the accelerator, and boom, because flies over the top of the cliff, and down, and we hear bank-- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Good. You guys in a thorough job. I didn't like park it in the next town. No, it was gone.

So we drove off. Perfect crime. I get to work the next day. He comes in about an hour late, and he's like, "Oh, God, my car has been stolen." He was really calming up.

It was a real production. We don't say anything to each other, but get to the end of the day.

He hands me $1,000 cash, and we never speak of this again.

It is done. Yeah. Perfect. So I worked there for about another six months, and then I ended up leaving, and I didn't stay in contact with anybody.

It was like, okay, you know, that part of my life. So over, cut to about 10 years later, we're running to him in the street, and we're having a chat. How you been? Who do you know?

What's been going on? And as I sort of went to walk away from him, he said, "Oh, I got investigated about harbing stolen by the police in the insurance company." Oh, no. Oh, my God.

He said, "Well, about two years after, it happened, they were looking to redevelop the area, and they did a Sona scan on the water, and they found their cars underneath the water line." Sure. I sent you a photo.

Oh, my goodness. Victoria Police have started dragging over 120 cars out of my car. Oh, my God. There would be your long river. Oh, my God.

This car that's being hoisted out is so colorful with some kind of barnacles. Might have been a toxic river. Oh, my God. He says to me, "They've dragged me in because the insurance companies and the police were working together to try and work out why they're all these cars there, but he didn't

tell anybody in his life that he had done this. He and I was really the only people that knew. His husband got dragged in, they were questioned for about eight hours, back and forth, we know you did this, we know you did this, he said, "But don't worry, I didn't mention your name.

We've got no way with that, I denied. We're all good." And I was like, "Okay, cool." And as I went to a car file, I was like, "Okay, see you later, I said, hang on. Why would they have assumed that you were the one that had stolen the car?"

And he said, "Oh, you left the key in the ignition." Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So note to self if you're going to still a car for someone, take the car out the ignition before you push it over. Oh, walk me through there.

“Well, because if a car was stolen, how did the thief get the car key?”

Oh, unless you left it. You're not legally responsible if you were to leave your keys in the car. You're not going to jail because someone stole it. Well, I know in LA, since the keyless fob is come around, people totally leave their fobs in the car.

Oh, all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also now thieves have got a special thing that they can unlock your car without the fob. So they just woke up to it and they can unlock it and you can't go on. That was a plot point in 2012's mega hit and run.

I used that technology. Head of your time.

I always think I'm like a criminal.

So what do I be? Well, Lindsay, I really wish I grew up in Western Melbourne. I think I would have fit in just perfectly. I feel like you would have. I've got my oldest boy here who wants to say, "Oh, of course."

Oh, yes. How old is he? He's 10. Hello. Lovely.

What an impressive head of hair. It's great, isn't it? He listens with me. We love the unauthorized evacuation, sorry. Oh, of course.

Yeah, it's our favorite, too. Well, it's so lovely meeting you. We love when there's Aussie's Ellison to the show. It's so flattering. You're a hit down here.

All right, well, lovely meeting you, Lindsay.

Thank you. All right. Thanks so much. All right. Thank you.

Did she just steal?

“No, my ceiling days, they were short-lived.”

Okay, I love you. Love you. [MUSIC PLAYING]

“Do you want to sing a tune or something?”

I'm going to have a theme song.

Okay, great. We don't have a song for this new show.

So here I go, go, go, go.

“We're gonna add some random questions in the hell.”

Oh, oh, oh, Gerryz will get some suggestions. [MUSIC PLAYING] On the fly-rine dish, on the fly-rine dish, enjoy.