Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card XIV

That means you're gonna get whatever thing they couldn't move last week and you're most likely gonna get the snoopy hot dog Which was like a quarter pound hot dog is too much hot dog. That was a huge hot dog. Oh, it's a fucking dog. I would think you would like that now

“I was but back then you're so many messages too big. Why don't we rename it to snoopy hot dog?”

Okay, please enjoy wild card Good times take them slow John it's John. What is this cute shirt you're wearing? It's a celebrate cannabis day Oh, okay, okay. Okay. There's an official Canadian cannabis day. Yeah, well, they had legalized it for Canada We're in Canada, are you a little town called cold water, which but now we're in a half north of Toronto. Oh great

Sorry Monica, but in route to Miss Goka. Yes. Oh, lovely So you have a wild card story, which means we have no clue what this is about it could be grand larceny

It could be a kidnapping and hoping you never know my story started in 2017 my wife and I and two really good friends

“Frankans of Anna planned on going to set a waterfalls on the river that leads from their cottage lake on Canada”

Today. Oh beautiful. So we had all kinds of party favors and stuff like that Snacks stuff like that the morning of I'd called Frank and says do you mind if we use your canoe instead of mine So I don't have the drag it up to the car out to their place and then back down the hill to their late because he had a canoe and a kayak So off we go we had to motor out to the other end of his lake with a boat and drag into two canoes where we got to the river One day I will say is the water was quite high. I'd been down the river before and we had to portage twice

We never got to the falls at that point and when we went this time

We just peddled right through there was no portaging the water was that high. Oh, wow, okay So we're five kilometers down to the falls and just before the falls the river got quite narrow So then all of that extra water was got really fast going through that narrowes And then it did kind of like a sharp turn and at that point Fiona and I capsized our canoe Oh, oh, and how far from the waterfall are you? I don't know. I'd never seen it before and I didn't actually see the top of the falls

So we're obviously in the water Frank and Samantha were in a two-man fishing kayak and they got pushed against the rocks on the side of the river And they just stayed there as we're flapping around like a couple of wet seals. So then just before I went over the falls Savannah our friend says the rope the rope is around his neck What the rope leading to our canoe

“Oh my luckily not if I got it off and went over the falls backwards hold on. Can I ask you John how old were you in 2017 late 50s at that point?”

Same with my wife. He's a couple of years younger. So anyways over the falls I'm going backwards underwater. Oh, I can't see anything behind me the way I'm traveling I'm saying well if I get caught I'm done for it, but I thought I could almost live with that. It was a common thing So anyways, I pop up and we had like say all the cramp we had in the canoe There's a pool noodle right in front of him and I grabbed a hole of it

I couldn't see Fiona anywhere and I finally got to decide that there was a bunch of rampages at the bottom of the falls

about 20 foot drop. Okay, that's significant. Two story building. Yeah, like I say glad I wasn't watching myself go Yeah, I got to the side of the river and got out. I've got no glasses no shoes and I can't see Fiona Oh, boy, and I'm screaming and screaming and yelling for her or buddy Frank had come down the Escartman found me because we were on the same side. He's points across the river and she was across the river He walked down the bank further down below the rapids swam across the river to grab Fiona and brought her so we'd all be on the same side of the river at that point

Then we had to climb up the Escartman dump to where his wife Savannah was We're now down to one boat like a two-man kayak Yeah, what happened to your canoe? It went over and went downstream. No, it's still there It's at the bottom of the river. It's at the bottom of the falls Oh, my neck would have been attached to that if she hadn't mentioned about the rope because I didn't the rope was around my

Hand or all the fucking flops him and jets him? I could have got caught on something underneath as well

Yeah, oh, I don't know if Rob's got the pictures, but there's two pictures of the falls. Yeah, we let's see Okay, yes, or shows the river. Oh, he has rocks. Yeah, for the listener he went down a rock face But they sliver cut out of it where the river has rushed through. It's just solid rocks Big big hard boulders. That looks like granite or something. Yeah, Canadian shield or buddy. Oh

“Yeah, this is not a great waterfall to go over. Oh, thank you, and is this a dead body?”

What have you covered with the Canadian flag? Oh, oh, no, that's next part of the square Okay, so anyway, that was part of our party favors. We had a Canadian flag for Canada day We then decide that Fiona and I and Savannah are gonna get into this two-man holdby

You don't have paddles with this. It's got flippers underneath. So the front passenger compartment

We had to take the paddles out so Fiona and I could sit in it So all we've got a Savannah in the back train to paddles. So what's against a strong current? Oh Gee and Frank's trying to swim behind us. Oh my god. Oh, God bless Frank. He's like I'll take one for the team So I kept yelling back for Frank and of course he's trying to swim and he can't respond So we actually got about a half a kilometer up the river. I kept calling out to Frank and he wasn't responding

So I just no more. We're not going any further. And we decide to get off the boat and see what else we could do Because we'd also almost capsize the whole beef with the fast water So then comes the body under the flags Those actually three of us under their Savannah Fiona and I are under that Canadian flag to keep warm or it's a smoke weed What's going on in there?

The black flies and mosquitoes were just eating us alive. Oh The reason why we have the picture was I said to Frank start taking pictures And he didn't stop. So he had one bar on his phone and he called 911 911 operator contacted the local Fire Department and they said no and then we're in Sake when township and it's a volunteer fire department and Three-fari personnel came down the river on a small aluminum boat

So around that time an air ambulance starts circling up top they can't come down and help us But maybe just let us know that somebody is around and we were getting constant updates from the 911 operator They're at the ramp for the the lake. That's about two kilometers up to the river

“They're at the mouth of the river. They're on their way down. Oh wow was anyone hurt?”

I lost my shoes. I bruised up both my ankles my wrists and then Fiona had bruising as well around the time that the fire department showed up Search and rescue comes in with another helicopter. So it was fried department and two helicopters Really deployed everyone will luckily enough. They were in the area doing maneuvers So it only took them 45 minutes to an hour to get there and did all four of you fit in this aluminum boat Well, there was already three big firemen now. There's no way we could up. Let's say they're holding me to take back out

So there's two SARS texts Repheld down from the helicopter and pick Fiona and I up. Wow. Wow. Yeah, and you wouldn't believe the down draft from that thing Well, especially when you're right underneath it there was branches and leaves flying all over the place What we were told later was the down draft actually knocked down three trees as well. Oh my God. Whoa whoa There may be like a hundred feet above you. Well, yeah, you got to assume the helicopter is like 10,000 pounds

Which means it's deploying 10,000 pounds of force to lift itself up So we could like say, but you didn't the helicopter the SAR tech that was with me said they're gonna get you to the hospital and they're gonna wrap me in a warm bear hug He didn't explain But apparently some sort of a warm sailing solution in a blanket. Oh nice. Yeah, ward off hypo thermion because I was shaking Like crazy, you know, of course. I'm so gonna wait to still they got us into the Perry sound hospital

The emergency department and they were just phenomenal they separated this which kind of upset me a little bit because I want to be with Fiona And of course they do the procedure. They want to start cutting off all your clothes and I said no, you can't cut off the t-shirt You can't cut off the t-shirt because the last time I was on that river with Frank

I capsized the canoe. We never made it to the falls. Wow. You keep going. No, you're not like you're an expert

“Keep at it normally you did mire in that, but in this case with water. I don't know if you should keep at it”

But the t-shirt the text on it is upside down and backwards and it says if you can read this Pulled me back into the canoe Yeah, it was the ideal shirt if I was picking you up on the repall line. I would be like was this pre-meditative It's one stop away from a shirt that says I love emergency rescue air lift rides. You know, it's like oh Yeah, this guy boy

They took like 24 x-rays of me and at least 10 of Fiona though some sort of a shadow on her heart

Harrowing. Oh, what was it was just devastating? I'd say about eight o'clock that night

We'd left in the morning, but eight o'clock that night Frank and Savannah finally got to the hospital and it took them six hours to get back to their boat

Because of the strong current Well, that's a very memorable Canada today for sure. Maybe most of it. Oh, yeah, it was phenomenal So I was two weeks recovery at home and at the same time I were when I got back I called my boss and because it was a company phone I had them contact IT department to shut down the phone for security when I did go into the office to pick up a replacement

I asked the IT guy did you locate the phone and he says yeah, it's in the middle of a link 10 miles down river it made it right because it was in a zip like bag dry. Oh, wow I also contacted Search and Rescue with my email because I wanted to thank them and I got an email back almost right away So somebody could we'll contact you within the next day or so the next day I got a call from the captain from Search and Rescue and he says I hear you want to come down to Trenton because

Why not right so we made a date trip a month later to meet the crew and thank them We get there the captain meets us out the base escort to see in and everything takes us to the hangar and he says Okay, we've got to go upstairs to a meeting room. We get up there the whole staff is there and they do a morning debriefing for why they're in stuff like that because of the SARS-Tex They cover from the east side of the Rockies to go back up to the Arctic Circle. That's their area

We'll actually be prepared to go the next day up to the Arctic to do a training for a week. Wow. Yeah What's special is so then after the presentation they took us downstairs and they brought the helicopter to the rescue us Out onto the tour Mac and the whole crew was there and we got to a four-way take down the pictures. Yeah, they had a base to talk for there. That's one of the pictures

“I think that the you guys are got. Yeah. Wow. That's so nice. Yeah, what the base commander said was they never hear from the people they do rescue”

And there's no status of what happened to anything else We were really happy to hear from us and actually you see us Oh, but he says nine times at a time. It's recovery. It gives them some closure Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're one of the good stories one of the few we had our life jackets on and they were done up that current was really strong And I struggled just to keep the life vest down so I could maneuver right now. Oh, man all of that

But I have rescued that two helicopters the emergency staff and didn't cost us a send. Oh Yeah, that's really nice. Yeah, that is enviable. Yeah, that could be a hefty bill. Oh, yeah Oh, yeah, in the thousands. Yeah. Well, John, it's lovely meeting you. You sound like a real party. Oh, I was my younger days So I give a shout out to my man. Yeah, my lovely wife Fiona our daughter Haley for Introducing us to you guys and the Frankus of Anna as well

When I got my contact email from Emma we were on a boat on a river with Frankus of

“Can I ask my wife and daughter to commit? Of course. Thank you. Hi. Hi. How are you?”

Happy summer to y'all. Yes, and you it's just so surreal to see both of your faces Oh, I can show you my sweater. I don't know if you can see it. Oh Yeah, that's a good one. That's a good thing. Yeah, that is a goody. It is going to I can't wear it when I'm cooking because I make a mess of everything cooking and eating Same. I'm often shirtless for those activities. Well, it's lovely meaning all you guys

Yeah, I think cry cuz he always cries when he tells us story. Yeah, true it. We're sad. He didn't cry

We would have liked to cry But it's a crazy story. Yeah, I'm glad you guys are both okay. Yeah. Yeah So where we thank you so much for taking the time of course. Of course. Have a great summer, okay? You too. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thank you You

Hello, hello, who do we have here? I'm Evie. Hi, Evie. How are you? I'm good. How are you guys? Wonderful. Where are you? I'm currently in the dark corners of our garage Oh, okay, in what state or country? I'm in Toronto. Oh, back to back Canadian. Yes, we just had another Canadian You Canadians have a disproportionate amount of stories. You guys get yourself into some stuff. Yeah Yeah, you get a lot of high drinks. I'm in Toronto. Just from the summer in University out in the how facts most of the year

“Okay, so you're back home for the summer. Yeah, and are you going out every night and seeing friends and having the most amount of fun?”

I am. I'm doing that while simultaneously. I'm doing my first internship at an engineering company

Good for you. I understood chemistry, but something happened with the math at some point

“And I was like, you know what fuck chemistry was hard for me as well. Yeah, honestly, I find it hard sometimes too. It is hard”

Okay, so you're telling your cousin's story. Is that what's happening so what's happening is my cousin On a whim submitted a story about me. Oh, okay From her perspective because she was there the whole time it happened except I had no idea And I found out about this late last night. Oh, oh, my wonderful

This is our first version of this. Yeah, we like it. It's like a surprise situation

But I'm so excited to be on into the here. Yeah So what happened? We don't know anything. It's wild card. So the story takes place up in northern Ontario We kind of go there in the summer on George and Bay. It's kind of this island rock community and There's a summer camp there that I've been growing up going to you with my cousin Mackenzie and One summer it was my first summer working at the camp. I was freshly 16 first job

“Quincy and I had been assigned a group of a ton of young campers who we hardly knew what to do with under the age of five”

It was just like typical Ontario summer camp experience one morning I woke up and my dad is quite the weatherman

He's a sailor, so he's always giving us four casts of what's gonna happen in the day up there

Does he say red sky at night sailors delight a lot? Yeah, he does he got red sky and more any sailors take warning Oh Red sky and morning sailors take warning You know what that's actually applicable to the story Okay, so when didn't notice the red sky in the morning

That morning he actually did and he was obviously on the radar and he saw this massive storm coming in There's only supposed to last like an hour so he's like okay, go to work early be careful Because we drive boats to get everywhere up there So I drive my boat to work we're in our morning meeting in our boss is kind of like, okay There's this crazy storm coming. It's just when the parents and kids children are arriving

So it's gonna be chaos. Oh God We're gonna meet in this spot and then we're gonna figure out a plant and it's just like typical summer camp chaos Everybody shows up The campers are just drenched no one was prepared for the rain everyone's running around people are dropping off their kids There's parents involved yelling at the staff

We don't know where to go what to do and the storm was just insane

I've been up there my whole life. I've never seen something like this it came and in two seconds

Just torrential down for there was boats at the front dogs that were sinking. Oh my gosh There's like this massive tree that's been there for decades that Completely broke fell down. Is there any light name or just wind and rain? Yeah, that's when the lightning started A lightning strikes and then you're counting the seconds and then it just keeps getting more and more intense in this storm within half an hour just

Was the craziest thing I've ever seen up there just trees everywhere and Because it was COVID they had set up these metal event tents drilled into the rock and instead of meeting in the normal meeting place The parents had to come drop the kids under these tents because obviously it's raining We don't want everyone to get all wet and then everyone's like, okay, this has gone crazy

Half the kids are there half the kids are gone. There's kids running around the forest everyone's Drenched and they're like, okay, we're going inside mask on. Let's do it. We're getting out of there So my cousin and I are trying to wrangle like eight kids under the age of five Everyone's freaking out and everyone hasn't side by this tiny. These kids got to be terrifying I'm back at the tent with a few other people trying to pick up their stuff and get the last few

Stragors and Obviously that is probably the least ideal place to be in a storm like that on an island in the middle of a lake That's made out of rocks under a tent with metal bowl and out of nowhere I just feel this insane jolts. Oh my shawl You did not

“Is never happened ever happened to somebody yeah, I mean, I honestly it's heard to put into words because not many people have experienced it”

But all I can say is just this Pain is all I remember in my chest my body how long it take you to realize you had been straight you guys

It's like this massive community. I'm known as lightning girl

Reclaim to fame, but the thought is that it went through the tent and then into my like somehow like it Arctoft the poles or maybe I touched it or something with a such a brief I don't know exactly what happened in that moment. I just remember how painful it was But I also wore these chunky Silver rings everywhere in that time

They were kind of lined up with where I was hit on my leg People maybe think that maybe that I had something to do with it. Was there evidence of them Archene against each other or welding themselves to each other? No, but on my leg I had a big blister on one side with like red

All around and I was wearing pants

So it's pretty crazy But it took me a while after that happened I was put into just the most insane robotic state of shock My cousin if he submitted the story heard me scream when it happened, but keep in mind It's complete pandemonium around me everyone's freaking out everything's going wrong in that moment and

It's just a bunch of people trying to deal with all the other crisis is going on. Yeah, you're one of many problems. That's happening Yeah, and there weren't that many people around so my cousin just kept she was like, okay

“What and then just like kept trying to get the kids?”

And then I Actually don't remember this because I was so messed up, but I went up to a co-worker and I said In the most robotic pale face. I think I just got electrocuted She looks at me and she's like, what is it that she's doing her thing? And I said that to multiple people And no one was really because that's not what you would expect from someone who just went through so much pain

Also from being honest, I would prefer you would said I just got hit by lightning because like electrocuted like what you guys That by the radio, but you're fine. I see that you're walking around like oh, yeah Let's talk about that a few hours come up with the words in that moment sure, but don't you agree? Well, sure, but also I'd be like now you didn't and you're standing here But yeah, just as if someone said they were getting electrocuted. I would not think lightning for some reason that's so I could get out and then

I went up to an older co-worker and I said

“I think along the lines the same thing just like people described as just so”

Wyatt and monotone, which is not Lightly at all and he was like okay concerned and then I couldn't say anything. I was like it hurts and he was like okay And then I pulled down my pants and I was pointing at it and I was like this hurts and then he saw that and then all helped He realized you had been struck yeah, and as soon as someone else started freaking out and more people gone bald and they called an ambulance I just lost it. I was screaming hyperventilating crying like I think everything just hit me

I think I was freaking myself out how much I was freaking out because I've just never been in that much panic and

Bearing yeah So when they took you to the hospital, did they find anything? Yeah, what do they do for that? You'd be a glass of water apple juice They took me in the hospital in a boat to the station through this massive lightning storm. Oh, this is But yeah, then I went in the ambulance and I was just freaking out and they got me to the hospital and my mom came and met me and she

recounts it as the most terrifying night of her life because I just would not stop freaking out And I just kept repeating like I think I did I what happened what like I was just so confused or literally Frasal fried they took my blood work. I had to sleep and stay the next day in the cardiac ICU with all the heart monitors because I think that's the biggest concern And that happens, but luckily it went in my leg and out the other side of my leg

But there's speculation as to like if it had hit me somewhere else at that strength because my leg was tensing up and the muscles were really hurting if it had hit me in the chest or something like that it could have been hard attacks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh

“Wow, did you return to the job? I did. Yeah, I good for you. What a warrior. You must have been the queen of that camp”

After that like what do you mean you don't want to wake up early and clean the toilet. This is bitch got hit by a lightning She's later. Yeah, you know, it's like all adding up also that dad's obsessed with the weather I hate to blame him, but I think you might have passed it. Yeah, I feel your father. No one should be that concerned about the weather. No, he told me he was oh no. Yeah. Sorry. No. Don't blame dad. Is I give all you think about his

with a lot of violence. That's wild. That's a lot of luck that you've never heard it. Yeah. We'll never

“hear it again. And you felt completely normal in a week or so. Yeah, I think the level of shock that it”

put me in took a while to where all my leg was really messed up for a while just kind of felt like an intense bruzy muscle situation going on. But yeah, it was really lucky honestly besides that I killed up. It was back to work in like a week and a half had the best summer ever. Oh, I love it. And is your cousin gonna join us to say hi? Yeah. Cousin time. Cousin. Hi. You did a nice thing you sacrificed. Oh, well, every did a nice thing

and agreed to go. Are you a Canadian too? Have you been to this camp? Oh, you were there.

Yeah, you were close. Yes. Yes. I was up the camp as well. I was the headstaff. So got a little bit of

grief for this. How far away was she when this happened? Like right beside me. Oh, my god. So

“I always wonder how loud the thunder would be if you're in the lightning. Was it so loud?”

It was pretty loud. Lots and lots of screaming toddlers. Yeah, the whole thing was probably it was a disaster. But to teenagers in charge. Yes. Yes. Yes. In camp dropoff is normally a disaster for 40 year olds anyway when the weather's nice. Let alone when the weather is crazy. So I'm sure you can imagine. Oh, man. Well, it's lovely meeting both of you. Yes. Every thanks for telling us that story. I didn't know that I'd ever talked to someone that was hit by lightning. No problem.

When people say to you, like, because it comes up in colloquial conversation, someone will go,

like, oh, you shouldn't worry about that. You're more likely to get hit by lightning. People have probably said that to you not knowing you've been hit by lightning, yeah. You're like, well, yeah, I've heard that multiple times. Yeah, I would live for that moment. I know. Yeah, I would just be like trying to go people into saying that sentence to me. I'm just so worried about getting hit in that weather, the coconut. There you go. You have more of a chance of

getting struck by lightning. Well, then I'm fucked because I've been struck by lightning. And I would launch into my story. This was fun. Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, fun to meet the cousins. Thank you so much. Nice to meet you guys. Yeah, have a fun in summer. Yeah, drunk a lot. Hang with your friends. Eat a lot of avocado toast and have a good summer. Oh, wow. That was a wild thing to throw in there. Thank you. Bye. Bye. You know young people eat avocado toast. Oh, you are.

There is a young. No, that's a millennial thing. It quotes. And it's also not a thing. That's true. That's not true. I bet younger people eat avocado toast. Way more than all people. No. You just read the recent avocado report. I am a millennial. There are junzeers. They're eating like cigarettes. Is this Aaron? It is. Hello. Hi, Aaron. We just met someone that was struck by lightning. Have you ever met anyone struck by lightning? I have not. Not that I'm aware of at least. He's saying I kind of

rolled it out at 51. That was ever going to mean anyone that was struck by lightning. You know, it is going to be hard now for me. That's going to be hard to unhere because now that we know someone it's like it could be us. New fear unlocked. Correct. Aaron, where are you? I am in Minnesota. This is crazy. We had another Minnesota today. We have two Canadians and two Minnesotians. And there's some connective tissue between y'all or very polite. Yes, that plays into my stories. Oh,

wonderful. And are you born and raised there or have you relocated to there? I was born and raised in Wisconsin. So pretty much Minnesota. Yeah, a lot of flip flop between. So Aaron, what line of work are you in? I am in early education. Oh, congrats to you. Okay. I mean congrats to us that we have more definitely helping congrats to us. I remember when we would drop our two and four year old off at daycare. And I just thought like, thank God, I get a break. And then I'm like, these three humans

“inside are going to be 25 of it. It's incredible. Well, I tip my hat to you. But does the day fly by?”

Yes, I'm not in the classroom anymore. I do more admin kind of training. But yeah, when you've got 14 toddlers run and around, it goes pretty quickly. I bet it bullgees. Okay. So you have a wild card story, which means we know nothing about that. I see a stack of photos that are turned over and so we're very excited. Perfect. So my story takes place in December of 2018. Me and my best friend Lauren had just moved to the cities, which is like Minneapolis St. Paul in Minnesota. Cute. You guys call

Then it would call them T. C's or Twin Peaks. We call it the T. C. Marathons of Twin Cities. Okay,

right. And then just a little backstory. So as I mentioned, I grew up in Wisconsin, a really small town about 3,000 people. So like low crime, not really having to be like on guard. I would leave my keys in the ignition in my car overnight. So the city is like new to me. So it's December, me and Lauren decide on a Friday night. We're going to go over to our friend Beth's house. And Beth, it's her birthday weekend and she was going through or just recently got divorced.

So we're just trying to like amp her up and have a good time. And Beth is a really beautiful singer. And so we were like, well, what better than to do karaoke? So as we're looking all of the familiar bars that we know that do karaoke. Do karaoke on Saturdays. And so we're like, well, shit, we have to find a bar that does it on Friday. And so we're googling. We're calling. We find a place. We're not familiar with it. But we're like, whatever. We've been at Beth's

for a few hours pre-gaming. Pre-gaming in Minnesota means that you're already pretty much black out drum. Yeah. Yeah. So we're up for anything at this point. So we call an Uber. We pull up to the bar and immediately we're like, okay, this is not our normal vibe. A good comparison was in horrible bosses where they pull up to the bar to meet Jamie Foxx's character. And it's just very evident. They don't belong. Yeah. Yeah. That was the vibe when we walked in.

Everybody kind of turned in looked and was like, who are you? Why are you here? And we're like, all right, we're moving forward. We see the karaoke bar set up. We're like, this is great.

“And it honestly ends up being an awesome night. There was nobody else singing karaoke.”

We just sang, song after song after song. We met some of the other patrons there. We did some group songs. We did some couple songs. Like, it was a really good time. And at some point, this woman kind of took to us. She was one of those people were like, every time you turned around. She was just kind of there and you were like, oh, jeep, where did you come from? And it was clear that she kind of had interest in Beth. So she was like, kind of making some

inappropriate comments touching her more than you would generally touch a stranger. Okay, it's kind of coming out of that all I would say. Yeah. So we have a good time. It's bar closed. We've got to go. So we call the Uber. We're waiting outside. And this woman follows us and starts making comments like she's going to come to Beth's house with us. And we're from the Midwest. So we're like, well, we're not going to confront that head on.

We're just going to ignore it. And you don't want to make her feel awkward. And that was a mistake. We should have confronted her because she got in the Uber with us. No. No. Came back with us to Beth's house. How old is this woman? Are you like she's older? Yes. She was 40s, 50s, maybe. And she was like 100 pounds soaking wet. So she's just a little nugget. Okay. Well, sounds like you guys get over thriller. Yeah. She gets wily. Yes. So we're in the Uber. The three of us are texting like,

what are we going to do when we get there? And Beth's on the hot seat because she wants a piece of

“Beth, right? That's what she's coming back to the house for. Oh, God. What we are thinking, yeah.”

Okay. So we come up with this plan that we're just going to act like we're all going home for the night. Like the night's done. We're not staying at Beth's. We're going home. So we get out. Well,

first Lauren, who called the Uber. She told the Uber driver. She's like, take this woman wherever she

needs to go. I will pay for it. Like it's fine. And so he's like, okay. What address do you need? Let's go. And she ignores him and just gets out of the Uber with us. We're like, okay. So Beth goes to her house. Me and Lauren start walking to Lauren's car and this lady starts following us. We're like, okay, we're going to commit to the bit. We get in the car. We buckle up. Side note, Lauren drove a two door coop at that time. So small car. There's no room for passengers. So we think

this is a shoe in. She's going to get the picture and leave. She does not. She proceeds to sit on my lap. No. What? In the car while we're both buckled in. So we start asking for likely. We're like, can you please leave? This isn't going to continue like the night is over. Please get out. Please get out. And she's not getting out. So finally, I got annoyed. And I kind of like shoved her. And I was like, get the fuck out. Like, what are you doing? Yeah. And that upset her. So at that point,

she reached across me and like tried to grab my purse. But it was wrapped around the emergency break. So she's kind of tugging at that for a while. Realizes that's not going to happen. Do you want him to hang? What if she can't hang? Now she wants to steal your purse. Yeah.

Maybe it always wanted to. Oh, maybe she had her eye on that purse. Maybe Beth was a red herring.

Yeah. I don't know. The funny part is I had about $3 to my name at that point. She wanted to steal my

“purse. She very well. So Monica, I don't know if you remember the hairstyle of the top, not in 2000,”

of course. I still rock a top. Yeah. So that was what I was rocking that night. So at that point, she grabbed me by the top, not and just starts beating the shit out of my head. Stop it. Are you serious? You guys picked up a straight cat? What happened? And now the cats are lying.

couldn't fight back. So yeah, she gets at least like 10 punches in. I felt like her fingers were going inside my eye socket. It was so painful. And so after about 10 punches, Lauren, who's next to me,

finally. Yeah, I need to do something. Yes. She chose freeze. Right. That's one of the four options.

“And then she froze for so long. She refought it. You know what I'm going to get involved?”

Now I'm at time to think. She reaches across and tries hitting the ladies arm that was holding on to my hair. At which point that made her even more angry. So she's so swiftly reaches across punches. Lauren square in the face. Lauren's nose immediately starts gushing blood. Oh my god, this plan went to hell in a hand basket. Yeah. One punch was all it took for Lauren to then be like, oh, we need to get out of here. This isn't good. So at which point she puts her foot on the gas

and we just drive away. No idea what happened to the woman. She at that point was out of the car, like beating us up. So the doors open. We're driving down the road. I got to tip my hat to this hunter-power woman. I mean, she's telling you you're beautiful. Yeah. What about that? You guys are speeding away. But back at her house, she told us that she could hear the screams and was like about to dial 911, but we had been drinking. So she didn't want to write. Yeah, it's true. She was like,

what do I do? This is a real Sophie's choice. Yeah, drive bunker. Continue to get us salted. So we're driving down the road. We pull over into a parking lot and just kind of regroup by shut the car door. We decide to go back to our apartment. We get in. We're grabbing like frozen vegetables from the freezer and putting them on our face and then we just kind of like sat there for the rest of the night trying to process like what the hell just happened. And that story has

gone on to be told so many times. But that is how Midwestern girls were too afraid to hurt somebody's feelings and ended up getting the shit. Yeah. Okay. So the photos. I can see photos. Let's see

what we got here. Oh. Oh my gosh. She really fucked you guys up. Oh my god. Oh my god. This is bigger

than I was expecting. - This is so bad. - All right, you guys are so happy about it too. - Oh my God. - Oh, I really black eyes.

- Oh, is it your eyes so beautiful? You have the most beautiful blue eye. Oh my God. - Oh my God. - You're the other one, yeah.

- Yeah, literally. When I close, it looks like you fought a professional flight. - I wanna meet this fucking spark plug. This Gail's a party. If I can rearing a go, horny for bath,

rate of throw down. Oh, I'll lady. - Oh man. - She's someone's grandma. - I bet.

- Probably. - I do have Lauren with. - Oh, let's just say how. (laughing) - Hi Lauren, listen, who do you think got the worst of it?

I feel like Aaron got the worst of it. - You both look pretty bad. - Yeah. - Aaron had about 10 easy punches to the eyes. - 10 punches versus the one.

- Yeah, you got the nose, which is tough. - I mean, I've been in a lot of fights, Aaron.

I'd never looked as bad after.

(laughing) - Yeah, really bad. - Truly, I mean, I've had a broken nose,

“but that's probably the only thing that would write a little bit.”

- That should get your teeth. You have such a nice smile. - Yeah, or that one eye. And but she left it one eye alone. - I did have some missing eyelashes for a while,

but those did grow back in my face. - Were you afraid? You got like, rabies or something? I would be afraid of that. - You know, I don't think that crossed your mind.

(laughing) - I've learned a couple of guys in my day where I was like, I need to get a AIDS test afterwards. Like, there was blood exchange in that guy. - Yes.

- Yeah, I think that guy's an intervenious drug user, I just thought. - Oh man. - Wow, well, you guys, you guys are foreign. - Yeah, you're fun.

It's you get the perfect attitude to get beat up. That's the only way to do it ladies. You did it perfectly. You just take your licks and you try to have his money laughs about it as you can.

- We just couldn't stop laughing after we got beat up. - Okay, good, yeah, that's the dream. Aaron and I have been there. Yeah, that's the best response. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys.

- Yeah, you guys. - You guys, you too.

“That's why that summer, find some karaoke.”

And let's go round two with this bitch. Let's see if it might be your turn. (laughing) - I'm a little late. - We'll be practicing this time.

- All right, my God. - Bye. - Goodbye. - Wow. - Well, that was life affirming.

- Be a weep. - Well, you know, it's wild out there. It's wild and crazy life. - These girls are really beat to a pulp. - I know.

- I don't think people really believe fucked up they got from a 90, I've made her 90 pounds. - Yeah, you keep-- - I punch up jokes. - 100 is just perfect.

Can't believe she was so scory-appy. - Morning and scrappy. - All right. Well, that was a fun wild card.

- Love you. (upbeat music)

“- Do you want to sing a tune or something”

when you're with him, son?

- Oh. - Okay, great.

“♪ We don't have a good song for this new show ♪”

♪ So here I go, go, go, go ♪

♪ We're gonna ask some random questions ♪

“♪ We're gonna ask some random questions ♪”

♪ We're gonna ask some random questions ♪

♪ So here I go, go, go, go, go ♪ ♪ We're gonna ask some random questions ♪ ♪ So here I go, go, go, go, go ♪ ♪ We're gonna ask some random questions ♪