Nikki Glaser Returns

I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. We have a returning guest, Nikki Glazer and award nominated stand-up comedian and actor posted of course, the 25 and 26 golden global wards expertly, the roasted Tom Brady, some day you'll die.

F boy Island, not safe with Nikki Glazer and she has a new comedy special out that I watch that is hilarious on Hulu April 24th, Nikki Glazer, good girl. Oh, we love her guys. We love her guys. She's awesome.

She might get an award this year, one of the cool guys sexy, no sexy man. She might get sexy. Best boy cool guy. She's up for it. We're going to find out.

Please enjoy Nikki Glazer.

First of all, 330 hard out.

So exciting. Where do we have to be at 330? It's relaxed. It's like three, 45, 350. But where are you going?

I'm going to the Jennifer Hudson show. Oh, okay. And one time do they kick off? They kick off. I think I have to be there to like read glam and do a changeover and then practice my spirit

tunnel dance. We're going to move the place front to the new one. No, you know, all the way to the new one. No, these extensions are staying in. Have you done Jennifer Hudson before?

No. I've been dreading being asked to do it because of that damn spirit tunnel. Yeah. And you know Nikki had a whole sketch on SNL about the spirit tunnel. So there's layers upon layers.

Yes. The spirit tunnel. It's the big draw of the show.

It gets more views than anything at any other daytime talk show.

It's huge. Is these clips before you go on? You walk out of your green room into the hallway and all the producers are on the sides. And they're all clapping and doing a song that they wrote about you. It's like personalized song.

Oh, wow.

“And you have to walk through it and like do a dance and something.”

Just nail it. Oh, sure. It can't really. Oh, exactly. That's who I'm thinking.

Oh, I should over and over. Oh, god. Oh, god. I like it over and over. Oh, god.

Oh, god. I like it over and over. Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

Here's the thing. You know, when you go into SNL, I didn't want to bring in any like fully form sketches. But I was like, I had some ideas and my idea was a pharmaceutical ad for a pill. You take that helps you deal with the anxiety and depression you face ahead of a Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel.

You know, are you feeling depressed? Are you not enjoying the things you once loved? It's like me staring out of a window with rain and just, you know, typical pharmaceutical ad. And then it's like, have you recently been booked on the Jennifer Hudson show?

And so it's the straw. If you take that, it's okay. It's a drug.

“And it will make you so sick that you have to cancel.”

Oh, that's a great cry. It was really from watching those being like, I'm so glad they haven't asked me to do it because I would probably say yes because I don't like missing out on things that could be fun because I'm scared of looking stupid. Yes.

So I forced myself to do it. And then I'm dreading it. The dread ages. I feel like I lose the years of my life with the anxiety. How was your sleep last night?

Was it troubled? Not, you know, like, actually, it was troubled like in the morning as I was waking up. I woke up instantly with this dread. I got a dance in the tunnel today. And then it's going to stay online forever.

Because let's really break it down. I go, yeah, dancing. I'm very comfortable dancing. That works fine. But what was my face doing?

What was my face? I'm going to be doing. And my body knows what to do if it hears music. But what is my face doing? I'm going to be sitting there.

I'm going to be sitting there. I'm going to be sitting there. I'm going to be sitting there. I'm going to be sitting there. I'm going to be sitting there.

I'm going to be sitting there. I'm going to be sitting there. I'm going to be sitting there. I'm going to be sitting there. I'm going to be sitting there.

Okay. Secondly, here would be my real issue with it. So at the end of a production, they go, let's hear it for so-and-so. And all these people who have actually been working, carrying cable and building fucking sea stands, they have to clap for you.

Because you got the most amount of money and you work the least amount. It's humiliated. I hate it.

I just wrapped my first movie ever and went through that.

And I was like, it was seven o'clock in the morning. We had done all night shoots for the past two weeks. I'm like, everyone wants to go home or in Vegas. And they have to have to clap. And then it's like, speech.

Oh, no one wants to hear me talk. You're at least the lead, right? I just did like four episodes of a show and barely there and they clap me out. I was like, I'm so embarrassed to have you all have to stop and do this. I do the least amount that anyone you do.

I know. Do you sense that the crew resents the stars or do you think I'm so used to it that it's almost like we are being selfish and thinking that they're even thinking that way about us? Or maybe they actually are like, well, we couldn't do this without you.

“Like all things, I don't think it's either or I think there's a spectrum.”

So yeah, some of the actors like Peter Krause is the most loved actor by Chris. They genuinely he's going to baseball games with guys who do Krause or like, so when they click, they're like, fuck yeah, my buddy Peter who's so great to me. Yes. I'd say that's the exception.

Most of the time I'm like, oh, this guy who's already fucking arrogant.

Yes.

“I hope they sense that we understand how ridiculous it is.”

I did too. Yeah, you want the Germans to know like he doesn't represent me. It's that same kind of. Totally. Oh, it's clear.

Perfect comparison. No, but you're right.

A lot of times on set, there's always a chair for you as the star, but there's not a chair

for anyone else who might not have to be standing right now, and they all have to stand. I just don't sit because that's just feels ridiculous to me. Okay. So back to this beer tunnel. So rung three on the panic thing for me would be like, these people that don't

know who I am having to clap and sing for me. I would like it. But they like it. They do great. Great.

And they've come up with the song. Because they're camera and maybe not all of them like to be on camera. I don't like to assume that everyone enjoys that. Like, they get a little glory. Yeah.

Yeah, don't you? What do we talk about? When I first got into this, I guess it started in high school of being like, I want to be on TV someday or I want to be famous in my friends, just like, I have no interest in that.

I would just be like, how it would be like hearing someone say I don't like food or I don't like music. Or when the lottery. Yes, but some people don't want the spotlight at all. They don't want to get married because they're like, I don't want to have everyone

watch me walk down the aisle. Yeah, I don't care. But how about if you offered it this way? You go, no, I'm talking 50s movies start like, you just are a door from afar.

“And you know, actually, I have to feel the eyes don't you want the world to adore you?”

I think some people don't care about strangers. I can't. And that is healthy and I don't understand it. And I may never. Well, I mean, as you this, I have improved on that.

Have you improved or where are you at? Oh, yeah. Thinking back when I used to say, like, I want to be famous. That doesn't resonate with me anymore. I hate the whole story of like, guys, I'm famous and it's not what you think.

It's really bad. I don't like that kind of short narrative. But it is kind of true. It's not that it's bad. I really love it.

You get so many perks.

But I used to always as a child dream of going to a restaurant and having people, like,

"Is that making pleasure? I would die for that." And now that makes me not uncomfortable. Like, I want privacy. It's just, I know I don't deserve that.

Please stop. This is embarrassing for me because I know that I can't live up to what you think it is. I don't like the attention in that way. Because I've had a big, kind of couple years. Yeah, become a man.

And you know, even hugely famous people are like, you're famous right now. Like, you're killing it. Like, I tell you my wife just said to me, I said I was interviewing you to my 12-year-old soon to be 13-year-old daughter. Two different times.

You're interviewing Nicky Glaser this week? I don't want, yeah. And then, so Kristen said to me, she goes, "You know, Lincoln has brought up to me like two or three times that you're interviewing Nicky Glaser. And I'm trying to compute what she's doing to me because I don't have to stand up."

And I go, "Well, honey, she watched the Golden Globes because we were there." And she's the host of this. And she's a comedian and she's a female, and I don't get to see a lot of those. And she's like, "Yeah, I guess that's it. I was just wondering."

Please ask her. I would love to know where I'm at that time out. She's pretty goddamn animated by the fact that you're here this week. That is so hard, Nicky. She really doesn't care for most people.

That's so cool. That's so cool. And also, maybe, she needs to have enough young kids watch that.

“That's why I say yes to so many different things is because you want to be able to reach”

all the different demos. Do you ever know where people are going to see? That means so much to me, but back to Jennifer Hudson. I also was just dancing. Are you a dancer?

Do you like dancing? Like at a party? I'm like half dancing. I'm too afraid to go all out. We're, everyone would be watching you and you're the only one dancing.

You know? Like a circle. Oh my God. Is your birthday? Literally.

You know me. You know what I'm like? Hell. No. Like when people are wetting or like clearing up into a car, because they want to do the warm

or something like that is so humiliating to me. I know. And I was voted off dancing with the stars first when I did that show. And I knew I couldn't dance when I signed up for it, but I didn't really know.

It was almost like I'd never dance.

Yeah. So I was like, maybe I'm great. And I'll find out. And I didn't even try to do anything before I showed up the first day. So I walk in and my partner is just, you know, the stunning man, Glebshepchenko.

Well, tell me that name I can. Glebshepchenko. Bill for sex. He is as hot as his name is disgusted. He is one of the most beautiful people I've ever been around where we would go out to get

coffee and people would just go, you're so handsome. Like he gets it so much that he's like, yeah, he knows how to handle it, almost like a famous person. But with his beauty. Is he straight?

Yes. How are you feeling around him? So terrified to do the show. I just love being around beautiful people. And he's so beautiful that it's not even registering.

I could get this guy. And he's married. But even if he wants you more confident, it makes me calmer. You've ruled them out as well. It's like being with a gay guy.

Yeah. He's not looking at me as a sexual object because I'm not in any kind of round. I've noticed this arc with Monica, it's like, she can be so cocky with Brad Pitt, conveniently confident. But she's not an option.

He's not considering me. He's not considering. Yes. You don't need to be nervous around him. There's nothing to lose.

Exactly. It's nothing to say. Yeah. Then there's a guy that there could be a love connection. I'm like, bring that Brad Pitt energy.

No, you can't. No. Oh, I'm horrible. And he went. I could actually get to it.

Thank you. I can't look at them. Yeah. Really quiet. They always think I hate them.

Sorry. But so I walked in and I saw his eyes light up because he didn't know who I was but

This looks like a dancer.

“I have like a ballerina type kind of like at the time I was really, really thin.”

When you're stationary, you're very elegant. Totally. When she say. No. No.

No. You look so graceful. With a very high shutter speed. I am so graceful.

And I could see him like, okay, because he's never won the show and he doesn't know

who his partner's going to be. It's kind of revealed. We walk in and meet. Like a love is blind. Like, oh, for the cameras, we just had to do a little thing.

Oh, touch a shot. The smallest thing. And I saw the hope drain from his face instantly like he knew before I was like, I got a stinker. He was like, we're not going to make it far.

We tried. Did they want to make it far? Did they get paid more? Yeah. They're being incentivized.

Oh, yeah. You know, more screen time, more character development, you know, they're building a brand. And he deserves to go far. He was so great.

But it was one of the most humiliating moments of my life is getting voted off that show first. Even though you had told yourself he didn't care. I did care. And they kind of warp your mind in there because you don't do anything except dance.

Your whole life clears out. They love bomb you. Yes. And in more ways than one. I got love bomb on that show aggressively.

And then when I got voted off, I was crying to my friends. Like, I just like missed dancing. I was dancing. I was like, what the hell?

I can never dance your life because it's all you do for a month or like five hours

a day. Yeah. And if you kind of get the hang of it, and I'm like, if I work hard at something, I can get good. Just about to get past the place of I can kind of get a grasp on this.

Can you quantify it for me? If you started at what number out of ten and where did you land at a ten? Zero to two point one. But that's a huge improvement. A ten being like, okay.

Like, you know, I was not a passable. You know, I could put on a dance that would entertain people. Look, if you got married and you did this dance that you're wedding people. It would be like.

“And I think that's what dances with the stars should be about is, you know, obviously you”

have the really good dancers or figure skaters or people who grew up dancing, killing it. But then you have the people that are so bad at it. Andy Richter went so far this year. Yeah. And he was a terrible dancer.

You get to see him actually kind of get the hang of it by the four dance and under to pick up on stuff and have fun and character development. And that was the other thing that heard about it was that it wasn't about just getting voted off because you're a bad dancer, which was a part of it. It's about ABC is developing talent.

And they're like, do we want to work with you? Does our audience like you? Who they responded to it? It was kind of like a rejection from America because America voted ABC as a corporation and the dancing community.

And so when I was clocked out of there, dancing community. And they forgot to invite me to the finale where they have everything back. Just didn't get in my mind. I had to talk to my friend who was still in and be like, can I be your plus one?

And they're like, oh, yeah, come back. Wait, make you what year was this? 2018. Oh, it was a while. It was a while.

Eight years ago. Today they're upset. Well, I would love to give back in there. If they did a dancing with the stars losers season where it was all people who got voted first or second.

Wait, first round losers. I would definitely do it again. It was so fun. But as crying every day broke my body, like I still have injuries from it. It was so fun to care about something so trivial and to try something new and see.

“I think I kind of getting good at this thing.”

I had no ability at. It was awesome. Yeah. How long were you sad about it? How long did the difference?

Probably like a month or so. I was kind of embarrassed. And then I'm embarrassed to be around comedians who were already like you're doing dancing with the stars. And you go, yeah, I'm going to show you.

I'm going to have fun. And I'm going to have a good appearance, even if I'm bad. And then they're like, no, you didn't. It was really helpful to me because I realized that that was like the most embarrassing thing that could happen on the show after my first dance.

They kind of tell you, the show was about believing in yourself. And so after you finish the dance, as long as you don't fall, be like, I did it. I'm a dancer. Say something like that. They're kind of telling you be family friendly and positive.

And so I finished the stance. And they're like, how do you feel, you know, Tom Bertrand, I'm like, I'm a dancer. And I said it sarcastically because I don't really, but I was like, I guess I'm a dancer Tom, and then Langutman, the mean judge, was like, no, you are not, you look like a struggling baby horse.

Like, I'm so mean. And I was just like, oh, and I look so stupid to be like, I'm a dancer. They took it seriously. It was so embarrassing. Oh, this is, this is gift you lived.

I lived. And it doesn't matter. And it's a funny story now. And now you have a story. Yes.

After that, I was like, say yes to anything because I was not going to do it because I'm like, I can't dance. There's nothing scary to me than dancing in front of people. But I was like, I'm going to be 50 and I know the person I want to be at 50 is going to be like, I don't do dancing with the stars.

I plan on being that woman who's like, who cares? And when I'm 50, and they ask me to do the show, my body's not going to be able to move as well. So just do it now and be the person you want to be in. Really?

And like, do something fun and just never turn down something because you're scared of looking

down or cringe. But you will not get to that mental state without doing it. You can't just land there. You got to go embarrass yourself. And then you wake up to and say, you're like, oh, yeah.

And that's over. And I live. I don't know about it. I'm learning to do it. You're on dance with stuff.

Exactly. No one cares. It's something that I can bring up. And it's just a fun. I did the mass singer.

You did the mass singer too. Oh, my god. I really recommend that. If they offer it to you, do it. It's not a heavy lift.

Okay.

Don't think about it. If you're a bad singer, do it. Because you're only you on the show for 10 seconds when you take the mask off. No one goes, oh, that was her singing those last time. They don't connect it.

So you were just a piece of bread. Yeah. Are you a senior role? I was a snowflake. And so if you don't have to dance, because your costume's so comfortable.

So it's not forced to learn any choreo. And you just sing a dumb song. And you're allowed to be bad. And it's kind of free. And the people guess who's in there?

Yeah. Who are they guessing? Like Michelle Obama. Wow. That's flattering.

Not me. No, I mean. No. They dance like Sabrina Carpenter. They don't really think that I was.

“I think the judges are told to get this thing.”

So that when it airs, people are like, is it possible? Are you on a grondase? Oh, I, you know. And do they get those folks to participate occasionally when the mask comes off? Is it patty libel or that's a terrible reference?

Maybe it's an a-lister when they're in their 60s or 70s. They'll get a big name.

But it's always someone that's on the way up or on the way down.

Like I don't think they get a-lister talent. But it's still a very popular show. And it's really, really fun. I always recommend that one to celebrities. This is great.

Now again, I just learned that you weren't answering the stars. But certainly if you and I had met for the first time two weeks after you got kicked off, you'd be convinced I had seen you get embarrassed, right? Yes. I would be convinced you knew about it.

And I would be like, oh my god, he probably looked up the dances and watched it. That's fact that they exist online is so humiliating to me. But you know what? The fact that my stand-up exists online humiliating to me. And I'm talking about my special that's coming out.

April 24 on Google. Can I be honest? I don't want anyone to watch that. I want to do this. Do you lay it, I watched it.

It's so personal.

“I put out stand-up specials because that's what you do.”

But if I could really never put out stand-up, I would just only perform it live for an audience that is not recording it. And if they want to remember anything I said,

it's like hearsay that I can always deny.

But I said what I said. And so when people are like, I watch your special, I change the subject so quick or I go, No, why would you do that? You know, you'd be kind to never have them.

You say that. Time to see you live. Totally. Not like people are known like you guys. I'd be like, oh god, now I have to be really good.

We did a live show in Detroit, which I thought initially is like those would be so fun coming home. And no, I hated it. So many people I knew were there. No.

I'm like, oh my god, I'm reminded that I'm just a dude from Millford, Michigan. You did your special in Saint Louis? I did. I don't know if you do this.

But you're projecting that not your loved ones, but maybe your friends from high school or like kind of people you knew, just around that are coming to the show are coming to go like, I want to watch him not succeed. Yeah.

And like, I want to see how bad this actually is. And they're kind of rooting against you. And I got to admit that me thinking that someone would think about me is coming from a place of I've thought that before, about people I'm jealous of.

It's like always what you fear people think of you

is probably what you have thought before. Yes, your estimation of others matches perfectly. You're truth about yourself. So I have to admit that I've rooted against people I'm jealous of. So I think they're doing that to me.

And which they probably are because it's a very common thing. It does mean you're a bad person. It just means you're insecure. And I recently have let a lot of that go. I'd really try to root for everyone and force myself to even though

it's going against what I feel. Yeah. Because it's just good karma and it's just the right thing to do. Well, and it revires your brain if we want to get technical. The counter reaction actually creates a different neural network.

And you're more prone to use that one. I guess what year view of the world's much better. And you benefit weirdly. It's not really an extension of kind of some of them. Because you ultimately are the one that will be better.

I even say that being like, I'm selfish to even practice these things. Because I'm running the karma. You won't relieve from suffering. Yes. It feels good to me.

The same way when I give gifts to people or help friends out. Financially, and they're always like, this is so generous. And I go literally. This is how I get off. I have to tell you it's kind of selfish of me because I really feel good when I give.

And that's not to say hit me up on Venmo, strangers. Which happened sometimes. But I always tell them, please let me do this because this is how I get self-esteem. It's helping out. It gets more for me.

And that sounds like something you just say. But it really is great for me. And then conversely the thing I want to point on about when you're depressed over Dancing with the stars and we were met and you would have thought I would have known. Well, it's helpful to me is like once I linked and not on my own through AA.

Once I linked that self-loving is as megalo maniacal as self-aggrandizement. Oh, absolutely. Because you have elevated yourself in a way when you're so embarrassed and you think everyone knows. Yeah. You've made yourself way more important.

They're not thinking about you. Yes. And that's almost more sad. That's acceptable. Like you don't beat yourself up over that self-indulgence.

“But you should feel equally guilty about that as a grand iceman.”

And I do. I've been quoting this a lot recently because I don't read comments about myself. I don't read reviews. I don't want feedback about anything I do because I can't handle it. I'm too insecure because the good isn't good enough and all that in the bad is devastating.

So I've been sober from any comments or purposeful reading about any critique or take on my work. Since 2018, I think I think dance with stars was when I was like, I'm out. That was your bottom. I don't hear anything good either. I think my dad read me one golden gloves review because I had to read it first.

And I said, is there any butt?

Like, I know it was all good.

“But if there's a butt, don't read it to me.”

And he was like, there's no butt. So he read to me. And that was like the first time I had gotten any positive feedback. So I don't read good and I don't read bad. So it's good because when people are like, you're killing it.

I'm not reading what they're reading. That's telling them that. Yes. Or I'm not looking at my own Instagram. Sometimes I do look at my Instagram and I'm like, you're fucking gorgeous.

Are you killing it? Look at you. I'm like, I get jealous of myself sometimes. It's such a lie.

It's always when I'm prone to run my tip.

That's the true. No, but it totally is because it's when I have hair extensions in. It's when I have eyelash extensions. I have a light that costs $1,500 that my assistant would. Well, you just figure out a way to add the butt.

Yes, I do. I might have said this the first time we interviewed you. But I got to find it. I'll send it to you from Garrison killer. And it's this thing he wrote.

Remember Garrison killer. I'm campaigning. And it's his journey with fohumility. I turned down the compliments. I didn't do this.

And he goes, but in truth, I don't want to just be adored. I want to be a son God that you worship.

“The truth is you tell yourself, I want to be on this magazine cover.”

I want to be on the know what we want all of us in a sick way. We want to be a fucking son God that people are. Literally. Literally. So there's no satiate.

But you can't get to be a son God without so many people hating you. Yes. There's no one that's universally adored besides Betty White. I guess is the closest I can think of. Tom Hanks pretty much even.

There's some kind of whispers of like maybe he's not. Yeah, there's going to be some. He and Betty White are the closest that I can think to just universally adored. Betty White probably wasn't until she was an old lady. That no one's all right.

Exactly. Yeah. Taylor Swift has insecurity. She doesn't feel like a son God. You know, even though she's.

She's the closest that I can think of that kind of worship where her fans. I mean. Yeah, same. Won't even say like. This album's my second favorite.

It's like they're all tens. You can rank them. But they're all the back. They're all tens. But you can't even rank them because that would be sacrilegious.

I love your ranking of the songs for this past album. Yeah, that's how to do. Maybe going to do it to meet you there. But then I didn't. I would have loved to see yours.

I love. Was it for me? Taylor Swift? I love your list. I love your father figure.

Oh, yeah. That's made of her feeling. Yeah. It also grew on me. The album at first.

I was like, I don't know. And then it's like the answer to all of this with anything that at first. And I'm going to say it's just music for me at least. Is that I just don't know it yet. That's it.

I am never going to love anything from the first listen.

I can think of maybe like three songs in my life. Maybe more than that that you shizam because you're like, this is going to be my favorite song. Yeah. My favorite songs ever are not that for me. They always grow on me.

So I can never listen to an album right away and have a take ever ever. That's the point of an album you come for this song. And then you stay for these like four other things that over time. But we live in a world of especially around Taylor Swift, where it's like five minutes after the album drops. You need an opinion.

Yep. And you better have opinion. Oh, yeah. And they're all like taking it back now because it grew on them. And they love it so much.

I love to see that happen. And I think she does a really good job of not paying attention to it anymore either. I just worked with Kim Kardashian on this movie. And she is someone that is really good at not letting that stuff in. I would mention something to her that I had heard because we became really good.

And she'd be like, I don't know where you're talking about. And it would be like a thing that was everywhere. Yes. And it's not even like she's trying to keep it away or has people protecting her. She just doesn't.

She's living here. She's doing it. She obviously cares what people think about her. We all do.

“But for some reason, I think that it just becomes so much that you have to drown it out.”

It's like exposure therapy of so many people's opinions about me. If I responded to all of them or let them in, I would be dead. So you just kind of go, I didn't even hear about that. I'm like the biggest thing at like I'll tell you after the show what it was. It was something where I was like, I'm so sorry.

I just brought that up to you. I thought you would have had to go to intense therapy about that. It happened the other day I ran into somebody. And I won't say who. But she was like, how are you guys?

Are you guys okay? Meaning us. Yes. And I was like, yeah. And then later I was like, what a funny call.

I wonder what that meant. I must have meant something. And that's how I find out about stuff too.

It's always like your friends go, listen, I'm in your corner in this one.

I know about what. Yeah. I go, I wouldn't know what's going on. And actually it's not in my business. Thanks for supporting me.

But I wouldn't know about this unless you told me. Yeah. That's the dangerous. Because I remained very oblivious. And it's always people reaching out to console me or offers.

Oh my God. And then it got to this point where I got nervous. My family was going to start defending me online. So I did kind of a blanket text every one in the family. Like, hey, I know everyone's there for me.

There's no need to ever defend me. I'm great. Yes. And then so my mom called me and she goes, I'm proud of what they're saying. And I go that people think I abuse Kristen.

And she goes, oh, what's that? No. The thing about freezing your daughter's eggs. I'm like, wait a minute. That's a story.

I know. I know. I know. There's just such a comedy of errors. Like, she didn't know about that thing.

Both of those were the dumbest thing. But you're thinking she's talking about another thing. And you're like, oh, there's another. Now we're both informing each other. These other attacks.

And I'm like, this is a disaster. No, I was really busy. I got canceled. I don't think I would know about it. I scroll.

And I see my names. But I have my name blocked on Reddit. I have my name blocked on Instagram. Like, it doesn't show up in my feed anymore. So I think I would not know.

And if you don't know, it literally wouldn't affect your life. Because he was the thing. I remember I was talking to a comedian that had been very, very canceled. And it was like a year or so after their cancellation. And I remember he had told some anecdote to a bunch of comedians that he was shopping with his kids.

And a woman like whispered his ear. You fucking disgusting piece of shit. And then didn't even see it. And he was kind of alarmed and taken it back. I had empathy for that tab and anyone.

“And I was like, now, how often is this happening to you?”

And he was like, that's only time. And I go like this week. And he goes, ever. It's mainly autographed some pictures. Like no one says anything in public.

So if he wasn't told by his publics and wasn't online, he would never know.

Because people will never say it to your face. It's on line where you're cancel. You're reminds it. You're going like, oh, yeah. I don't bump into anybody in the world in real life.

That would ever comment in the way they comment online. And then you remind it what's not what is wild. Minus people who have lost their jobs. That is, okay, that's it. So I guess you would find out that.

Yes. That's the right job. And security handed you that box. Yeah. And what I don't read comments.

I don't really just care. I'm like, oh, we did pack it up. And here's your fire box that everyone gets. Okay, I just want to go back to the ego for one half second. Please.

I think once you acknowledge yourself that the ego knows no cessiation. It can't happen. Yeah. You actually can't fill the cup up. So you know, just better.

And then the, like, the terrible shadow in you that wants to destroy you and think sure a piece of shit. That's not valid either.

“So you really should be like you're saying you need to be in the middle.”

I think Harry Styles had a quote about like any trolls online. Any bad stuff you read by herself is bullshit. And so is the good stuff. It's equally as bullshit. I was like, that's so true because you can go like this guy is just a guy in his

mom's basement like typing away and what a loser. But the guy's saying good stuff about you is probably a loser in his mom's between the two. So why? I know that guy's a genius.

That guy actually got that. Yeah, he's like, you better have the time version of being in his mom's basement. You know, and even people I respect to have suddenly been like, oh, my God, you're killing it and they say how great I am. I can even convince myself, like, oh, they're just seeing the glory version.

They're seeing the golden globes. This polished thing that I worked on so hard with a lot of help. I go of that wasn't actually me.

I can always kind of argue with a lot of help.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do want you to work on that. I want you to be able to hear from us that you killed at the golden globes.

Thank you. And John Stewart's compliment got to you. Yes. And I know, but if we're talking about ego and what does mean? Maybe we got into this before.

Forgive me if I'm repeating myself from my last appearance. But I just don't believe in free will. And I don't believe that I have chosen to be a hard worker. I have chosen to be funny. I didn't choose anything that I got.

So the fact that people are like, you worked so hard and you killed it. And I'm like, all of it's luck. I didn't choose to have a brain. Yes. We took part.

And I didn't choose to have parents that supported my crazy career and led to all of that.

“Did you have a dance fitting in the front row of your stand up?”

Yes. You got what you're vagina. You got blessed with that dad that could sit there. I was thinking, I'm going to be that kind of dad too. You are that dad.

I can't wait to be that kind of dad. But you got lucky. I got so lucky. I was unlucky in some ways in life. But I don't internalize it.

Like, I'm so special. Like, I'm special because I'm a human and I'm born. But it's not me who did it. This is just however I turned out my brain chemistry and nature and nurture. Yeah.

Yeah. I didn't pick myself up from my bootstraps and people counted me out. And I said, I'm going to do it. Even if I did do that, the person that goes, I'm going to do this. I didn't choose to be that.

When some people get mad at a drug addict who's homeless and they go, he should do something about he should get help and pick himself up. And then they go, well, this other drug addict did it. And he was even worse than him. It's like, well, he has a different brain.

Maybe he had a little part of this brain or a little bit of nurturing in his childhood that he could reflect upon that. That guy didn't have. So you can't expect that guy to do that just because they're both drug addicts. Stay tuned for our share expert. If you dare, we are supported by all state.

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Yeah. And I have demonstrated hard work, but also for whatever reason, I'm capable of hard work. Yeah, you got the ability to hard work. Yeah, a talent that you were gifted with. Exactly.

I'm not like wrestling myself into submission to do hard work. I don't know if this resonates with you, but I didn't know that hard work was a talent.

I could be proud of because I was always ashamed when people would say congratulations on your success because you deserve it because you work so hard.

I was with that as a dig of. You never tell. You stuck it out. We all could be you, but we didn't wake up early enough. But again, that's you finding shit no matter what.

Wait, then people who are just naturally talented, you go, you're so talented and they don't get praise about working hard. Yeah. And then they feel bad that they don't work hard. They want to be the hardest worker and the one with the most talent and everything. I don't want to be son God anymore.

I just want to be happy. Okay. Now back to one part, and I think it's what Monica's approaching. So I'm fine with your whole program. Unless this is something that I discovered in therapy that there was like, do you make yourself smaller for other people?

Anything that I get that's great. If someone says, oh, man, you got a 4GT. There's a wait list. My first reaction is like, oh, yeah, but then you got to put this fucking $7,000 wrap on it. And it's such a pain, like, I have to diminish that because I feel guilty. I have this thing and the other person doesn't.

I know they would want it. I do that all the time.

But I think it's the right thing to do.

I don't think it is. I don't think you need to be adjusting yourself out of fear of how that other person's going to feel about it. And the word that he used that broke through for me is he said, there's a difference between being arrogant and being presidential. Like think how you think of the word excluding. Yeah.

Yeah. I have this role. And I walk tall and I represent my country with pride. I don't make myself small. Women can't be president.

So I can't even let them begin to care.

“I think that's what's holding me back from even relating to that in the court.”

So how about this? Chan Floresk. You have to be a German cancer. Secretary of State. That's the highest president.

Secretary of State. But that's actually telling. There is something that I don't think I'll speak for both of us. Can necessarily relate to because that is not a skill that women have been told is good. You could look at Andrea Markel.

And you can envision what that woman was. I don't even know what she looks like. A tall, regal German. Yeah. It's not a problem.

But like masculine. I don't want to be that. Because it's not soft and feminine.

I've never looked up to women in politics because I'm like,

I don't want to wear pant suits. We've been trained. That's that's what I'm saying. And that man don't want to fuck that. If men want to fuck you, then that's when you get good stocks.

Exactly. Let's be clear. Not getting fucked. I don't want that. But I want the things that they give you when they want to.

Yeah. Maybe feel better. I will say things that are true about what sucks about the thing I got, not just to say it. I will say, but here's the other side of things.

But I'm not going to lie about what I have anymore. These are just facts. I'm hosting the Golden Globes again. I'm telling that to a friend who is trying to get by that sucks to tell them. I realized the disparity.

But I'm like, well, it's just a fact of my life that I'm excited about. So I have to say it. I'm sorry to name drop Kim again. But when I was working with her, people would hold up umbrellas.

So people couldn't see her. I was saying to her, see, of people I'm like, do you ever just watch people lose their mind when they don't expect to see her? It's like she just gets to walk around and give people gifts and the best story that they maybe get all year. That's what I delight in.

Because I used to love seeing famous people or like buy some stars homes. When I drive past a TMZ truck, I'm not kidding you. I roll down the window and I go, I'm Nicky Glaser.

I host the Golden Globes.

“And if you care, if you want to get a picture,”

because I know it's right to be on one of those buttons. We didn't see anyone. We just drove past the old rocks here. Fiber room, let's take it. Yes, it has nothing down there in 45 years.

When you drive past them, make sure you wave and say, it's not living. But you're giving the guy who's doing the tour of Boost and his like, when he goes to his team meeting,

what we got one celebrity today. Yeah. And it used to be a joke. I used to be like, I'm friends with Amy Schumer.

Like when I was nobody, like he used to make a joke. And now I'm like speed up and pull up. Let's give them something. Most of the time I'm like,

this is kind of embarrassing because people are like having to go, like, who is that? Or like, what? But it's two people that make it exactly. What do you mean?

What do you mean? What do you mean? But if one person cares, it's not so fun for them.

“I think about myself as a young person or someone,”

even now, like going to parties and like sing celebrities and how it delights me. Also, you use the word deserve, which I think is interesting. I think deserve is something that gets stuck in our heads as a problem. Like, I don't think I deserve any of this.

You know, I don't think anyone who deserves, I don't think anyone deserves anything. Good and anyone deserves anything bad. You get what you get. Why does it be a little bit?

No one knocked on my door and said, you want this life. That part is true. Because I was moving around like,

“I won the lottery and don't deserve to be here.”

I mean, you belong. That's different. You belong. But deserve is like, you know,

I just moved into a house and people are like, Oh my god, congratulations. You really deserve it. And I'm like, I don't deserve it.

I hate that word so much. Right when you just said it, I'm like, I don't deserve it. I have it. And I'm excited.

It's a privilege to have it. And they're almost saying it to shit on people that they're thinking of that didn't deserve it. It's almost about other people. It is.

There's some comparison. I get that all the time of like, you deserve this fame. And I'm like, who are we really talking about here?

Who do you want to talk to on you? Doesn't deserve it. And I'm with you. I'm making it back because I'm like, oh, because like,

I'm ugly. I know that for a year. That for a year. That for a year. I'm pretty.

I would obviously have a house. No, I'm going to let you know. I go there too. I show my face. So interesting.

“Oh, how you deal with being a recognizable figure when”

it wasn't the thing that you were you thinking about it as a kid of like, I want to be, oh, you are, but not for this. Right. Right.

It wasn't a thing. To be on friends, the reboot. Yeah. Yeah. It translates the dream.

That was the dream. Oh. I was just saying the phone or night when I was in sixth grade. I was like, I'm going to be Jennifer Hansen. I'll have a succumb on on 25.

And I'll be on maybe a couple of soap operas before then. And I've no other plan of how to get there. I'll be on Ferris Fierler than to be discovered. I'm not going to lay on leprechaun. I know how this ends.

I will get a famous haircut. And then I will be famous forever. That's true. I'm may or may not marry, but I don't know. Exactly.

I'll decide that. I'm sure you feel the same then, because if you wanted to be an actor, and you are, and you just didn't movie, which is very exciting. But you're known for this thing. You probably at the beginning didn't think about it.

Oh, think about it. Which is the only way in. Yeah. Exactly.

It was the first way that was like, oh, I can maybe be on TV.

And I'm getting feedback right away that I have a knack for this. It was the first time I ever felt, okay, I guess this is going to be it. Yes, I love it. And yes, I love comedy, but it was just the first thing I was good at. I would have done anything if people would have told me I was good at it.

I would have told you different life based on just one person being like, you've got this. You've got the mind of an engineer. Really? No, but what is that you?

You got the mind. You've got the mind. You milling it. How is it? It just got it.

Well, I'm just saying we need to pursue it. Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm just being a chair of someone saying that to someone. Oh, my god, Nicky, the standard regime is mirroring real life now.

This is so funny. The good girl thing just kind of happened. I said, you had it. Mine for engineering. And it was like a dad told Jesus.

It was, yeah. Absolutely like that. A man telling you like, you're smart and you're smart and you've got it. And you've got something. There's a twinkle in your eye.

I think you're brilliant. I'm not taking your. I don't know. I don't know. But I don't know enough about your brilliance to determine whether you'd be a good engineer.

I'm not. Yeah. I had a boyfriend tell me. He was like, you have the mind of a quarterback. And I like didn't know what that meant.

And then I looked it up. It was the best compliment. I've ever done it in my life. Okay. There was one topic that I've been in a weird way wanting to bring up.

And there's never a time on this show where it feels like this is the zone.

But I feel like you're the person I want to bounce us off. We know about in cells a lot. They're well documented. They're involuntary, celibate men. I just explained this to my assistant the other day.

She had no idea what it was. We watched the Manus fear documentary on Netflix. Yeah. Incredible. They're really thrilled.

Great, great doc. Everyone needs to watch that. She's 26, she had no idea what the Manus fear was. Because again, even though there's a doc and I got rubbed up, it's also no such thing. It doesn't mean anything as well.

It means she's crazy. That's why she didn't know. Well, she doesn't know because she's not getting it on her feet. I'm hopeful. It's a window of like 12 to 16 year old boys.

All their audiences are like junior high kids. Yeah. But don't know what the fuck they're. It's terrifying. Yes.

Yes. Okay. So the insels we would describe to me. Volunteers all but yeah. Involuntary, celibate.

And then in absence of that, they become misogynists. Like they hate women. They think that they're entitled to sex. There's like a very predictable outcome.

“Now I want to pitch and thought I've had recently, which is I think there needs to be”

a message. I think there's a lot of single, younger women who are voluntarily celibate. Interesting. And not in relationships. Who are you thinking of?

Like what I'm saying is all these people that are convinced. I'm beating Kristen. None of them are married people. All right.

Well, they've never had a relationship.

Well, no one in America is like you've been together. 19 years ago. What did you say with that? A lot of what I read that I loved and I know you didn't get a lot of feedback. Tell me to stop if you don't want any kind of mean echoing anything I heard.

But what I did like that I heard was this seems to be inside jokes that you make in your house that we all do.

And none of us have to deal with the stuff we joke about with our husbands ever going out there. And we would also be canceled for the same thing. So it just seems like they made a mistake in airing something that they joke about all the time. That truly is, it's not like you're doing racist jokes. And I think a lot of people got that because I really proud of the effects of it read it that got it.

I mean, I truly believe 90% of people.

But when I look at who was outraged and who is publicly defending her was people who've never been relationships.

Never been a relationship. Yeah. And never have had that kind of strange intimacy because I even had to reflect on my own and be like, What's my thing that I would joke about? And I had so much.

But just like the boy think breeds misogyny. I do think the voluntary celibacy. It brings something. I think these women want partners. It's just really hard to find one because a lot have been managed feared.

And we're just not connecting anymore. We're not going to bars. We're not meeting up. They absurd horrible. And so I think that women may say they're being voluntary.

But I think it's just out of not having any options. And then whenever you're angry about something like 99% of the times, there's some jealousy rooted in it. So I think there's a jealousy. If we just want to take down anyone we're jealous of and these two seem to be happy and working.

There's a parallel. I was watching a 60-month segment on sovereign citizens, which is this weird growing group of men who reject the government. They won't carry license and they are shooting cops. And they were suing municipalities. Like some whole movement.

And in this piece, they had a social scientist. I was like almost 100% of the members used to have pretty good blue color careers that they lost things shut down in their town. And so for those people, if the system doesn't include you, the system has to be flawed.

“It's the only way you can survive that, right?”

It's to go like, well, there's a system that wouldn't include me. I'm where they have been included. The system has to be corrupt. And I think his relationships don't work. All men look because the ones I've dated have sucked.

And I'm not getting asked out. So I'll be depressed and it must be terrible. I'm just curious if you think there's any validity to this point of view. The validity I see is that the backlash to whatever you went through. I think was spurred very intensely by people just not understanding that kind of intimacy.

Whether that's a kind of intimacy they want or not.

People don't always have dark senses of humor.

The can't understand why that would ever be funny. And it's certainly people that have been in abusive situations or had their mom be or anyone is going to personalize that and be like, that's not funny ever. And that's really actually not fair to me. We both grew up with domestic violence.

Exactly. So if you tell me how domestic violence works, I can tell you those guys who beat my mom's ass never went online to find out if it was acceptable from someone. That's not actually how it works.

It which is mad. They didn't do it because someone made a reaction. They didn't get permission on an Instagram. They go, oh, they've joked about it. Maybe I should do it tonight.

That's not how it works. So you want to be really mad about it. People get mad when they make jokes about things that are unhealed from. That's just the case. And we all have our things.

And I love Sam Harris. And Sam Harris says I'm paraphrasing, but to define yourself by what you're offended by. It's not interesting what you're offended by.

“That shouldn't be something that defines you or that you should think anyone should be interested in.”

It's not cool. But people don't have identities. I know. We don't have culture.

And I've said this a million times lately because it's been coming up for me a lot.

But like we're looking for something to make us feel like a part of a group. And to be like, I'm offended by this makes you feel like you have something. Yeah. A community. Yes.

Because the mother may say me to me to me to me to you. Because you're like, I'm sad about this to people. Anyone listening being like, she doesn't get it. I am upset. I know you are.

Yeah. I'm saying it's fake. Yeah. I'm saying. I don't think someone who has, you know, a headache because they have anxiety.

Doesn't mean they're not or like back pain because of anxiety. I think a lot of back pain is in your head. But it doesn't mean I don't think it's painful. It doesn't mean I don't want to hug you and say, So sorry, going to his pain.

But it is in your head. The pain is real. Yes. But where is it coming from? Yeah.

And your sadness is real about this and your anger about it is real. You can bond over. I hate Taylor Swift. That's a way to bond with another kid at school. Who are you going to do with this bond?

What are you going to boycott? There's nothing to do. Where's if you say I love Sabrina Carbender? Now you guys can like, we should go see a concert. Yes.

We should get her new album. There's things that can grow out of bonding over things you like. It's a dead end street to bond over what you hate. You're so right because I'm trying to think of anything I hate that I really get along with people because we hate it so much. And it really dead ends a conversation.

Yeah. You can kind of bitch about it for a little bit. But protest. Now that you brought it to protest.

“I'm like, yes, I think it is important that people get together and create community around things that suck.”

But the other night I was complaining about. I think I'm the only person on the planet that was disappointed by you two at the sphere. I went to go see it. I had all the expectations. They were the first people at the sphere.

I read every good review. I was ready to have my mind blown. Maybe the bar was too high. But I was so disappointed. Not in how they sounded.

But they didn't use the screens.

Where you're like, the desert.

Yeah. It's Vegas. Not something to make you sick. I just mean use the fucking screen. Yeah.

“The contraption we paid to be inside of.”

I would say 60% of the show. The screen was only being used like the movie theater side. They were only doing their images. And I'm like, you're opening the sphere. You used the screen for every goddamn song.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was at this party talking about this. Getting so fired up. Literally it's going to be a part of my next act. Because someone goes, well, it's really costly to make those screens.

And I'm like, if I'm fucking bono, if I'm having sex with bono, I would say to have no, if I'm bono. And I'm going to the tech rehearsal and I'm watching the screens. And I go, we only are using that was cool. That was cool.

But the rest are not cool. Oh, it's going to cost you much out of my pocket. This is the fucking sphere. You're YouTube. You have enough money.

I don't want to hear about budgetary restrictions.

Unless there's not technology in order to make that.

But if you did it three times, you can do it 20. It was no excuse me. I was so upset about it. And I went home. And I looked online for anyone who was saying what I was saying.

And this was like well into their residency. Not one. Wow. And I was in the depths of Reddit. I was like ready to get the dark web.

And get like an external browser or something to find anyone. Not one person. You're all alone. That was exciting to me. Because I'm like, that's fun now.

Yeah. Yeah. But I don't have a community. Yeah. There's something there.

There's something there. There's no reward to this anger. Yeah. That's more interesting than if I had a bunch of people to talk about it with. And to shit talk with.

I'm like, I'm alone. Well, maybe there's something wrong with me. I had to reflect on it. Sorry. All the name drops.

But I just recently kind of became friends with Chris Rock. And I was talking to him about like, how do we come up with new material? I am kind of stuck right now. I need a new hour. My hours about to come out.

I'm losing all that material. I have to go on the road in August. And he's like, read. You know, he just told me you have to read like feed the engine. And I'm like, wow.

I do. But then I was going off about you two and he goes, that. Do that.

And I was like, thank God, you said that because comedians always use to like when we're starting up.

Always just be like, that's a bit do that. Do that. And you're constantly helping each other. No one does that anymore. Yeah.

And success. You get more isolated. Yes. I've told my friends recently. Like, if I say anything, please just tell me to write it down.

Because that's the only way I'm going to generate. Because I don't sit down and like, to your point. I want to circle back just for a second. I do think there is a current talking point a little bit.

“You know, I think there was an article that said, is it embarrassing to have a boy for?”

I'm embarrassed to have a boyfriend. I can hear that. I can hear that. I did like the memes after he did rivalry that we're like, after watching this, when I see a man kiss woman.

I'm like, that's fucking gay. I love that. Because I definitely love that. There's nothing more masculine to do with that. That's not so squared.

But finish your point. There's a whole thing of like, it's embarrassing to have a boyfriend. They're in the at least subjugating. Something. The younger generation than us, I think, probably like the one right under.

That's like, is it okay to have a boyfriend? Because boys do bad stuff. It's like you can get canceled exactly. Which is insane. It's insane.

It's insane. Also again, just the thing that women have been trying to do forever, which is, say, where are our own people? I think it's embarrassing to have a husband to be honest with you. Like for most people.

For most people. Because to me, so few people find like you have a relationship that I admire where I'm like, if I got married, I would want it to look like that. But I feel like so many people get married and it doesn't look like that. And it's just to get married.

And I think it's embarrassing because you're locked in so much more. And I'm like, oh, honey, you have to get a divorce. Having a boyfriend, you can cut and run whatever. Get a boyfriend. But a husband's being more mindful.

I do think you're right. There's a little tension in the air that's men are bad or not all men, but all men. You know, there's reasons people think like that. Man is sphere stuff.

And obviously, our president and things like that have caused people to be like, oh, man. Oh, no. Oh, my God. I don't want to be affiliated with that.

I don't want people to think I'm signing off on that. I know that's so sad. And that's so dumb. And it's really not all men. It's not.

There's so many great men out there. And it sucks that these girls that are meeting guys online. It is hard to find even girlfriends that are cool. Yes. Like think of how many awful girls there are out there.

It's just as hard to find a guy that you want to hang out with. But I would advise girls to like be friends with guys. And then date them after don't put some pressure on going on dates. I've ever considered going on dates with someone. I get so nervous because I'm like, you're meeting someone to have coffee.

“And what's really in there here is are we going to suck each other's genitals forever and ever?”

Exactly. That's so much pressure. Even just are we going to get nasty together? Are we going to hump each other? That's a lot of pressure over a coffee date.

But I think it's best just to start just get guy friends and keep them after you find a boyfriend. And men keep your girlfriends. We should all keep having friends. Yeah. We're going to get together.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what it's you can. Yeah.

That's not going to work. Don't you get a boyfriend. You shouldn't not be allowed to hang out with guys that are your friends. Yeah. Girls, you got to let your guy friend have girlfriends.

You have to because they need to get their emotions out and girls ask about emotions.

So they're going to put their emotions on you.

And that's not sexy to you. Probably. And if it is great.

“But a lot of times he's not going to feel sexy after sharing his emotions.”

Yeah. So what I'm doing to some girls that is going to ask him about his feelings that is not going to want to fuck him up to share some. And for good reason, because they're friends. Okay.

I have one question before good girl. Which unfortunately you're going to have to hear that I loved it. Of course. I don't want to be literally. Don't want to talk about it.

We're going to have to. I'm going to force you to promote your project. Yeah. You did a great job at the Golden Globes again. I'm so glad you're the go to host now.

It was so fun. It was so fun to see you. You're really nailed it. Thank you. Fun when you have a personal connection with somebody.

Now all of a sudden, I feel, I mean, hate to use a word of proud. Like, oh, yeah. Same for you. Yeah. It's a good feeling.

It's so nice to get these friendships that you meet from doing the job.

Yeah. Yeah. And you grew for people. Yeah. It's great.

Because they're still often like I was saying before you don't root for people. Because of jealousy or whatever. Or like you don't like them. But it's awesome. So when you watch the Oscars.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So when you're watching a march is now, is it like a completely different experience. Yeah.

Once I was in the business, I knew the work that went into it. You know, I saw his monologue.

“I think it was exactly a week before I was doing it at Largo.”

It was so great to hear the jokes and be like, oh, fuck. That was a good one. And it was all the same stuff that I was covering. Yeah. The same movie.

So yeah. Oh, we fucking missed that one. But Gonia and what was the other thing where Dellie meets. But Gonia and Marty Supreme sound like off-brand Dellie. It's like that.

It's just there. Yeah. Like it's not. I mean, it's like we looked at that from every angle. How did we not stumble upon that?

So watching the Oscars for me, I'm like, oh my God. All the shoots he had to do for it. All the pretense. Yeah. Even the pretense.

But at the end, I go, you're doing one at the end. So much work leading up to it. And the way that they were able to make it look like he was in all those films. The lighting setups like how much work went into each of those to look so seamless. I thought that was done so beautifully.

Then the song with Josh Grobin and the set design. The jokes were probably the least worrisome part of it. But you know, I just watched him walk off stage. It was kind of rolled off stage on top of that mountain. And I was like, this is the best moment of his year.

Yeah. Is it done? Yes. It kills. Yeah.

It's over. That's what you're doing for. You have a respect. I do it for walking off, turning around and walking off as I walk past the presenters. I'm like, I'm done.

Like the rest of the show. Who cares? Yeah. And that's over. Yeah.

Yeah. And that's the best feeling in entertainment. That kind of reminds me of the axiom like I hate to write. And I love to have written. Yes.

That's basically it. Like I hate doing it. And I love having done it. Oh, and that's everything in life. I hate going to Pilates.

I love having done it. Yeah. And so I don't think there's anything. Good for you. Sex is one of the freebies.

Great while you're doing it. But sometimes afterwards, you're like. If it's really good for the wrong reason, you can regret it. Sometimes during it, I have often been like, When is this over? So I can say I did it.

And I don't have to do it again for a month and a half. Check it out. Yeah. Okay. So that's actually one of the really funny parts of good girl.

Your special on who that comes out on April 24th. You talk about when you look fuckable. Everything is great. In the worst part is having to fuck. Yeah.

I mentioned that before. I repeat my own joke in here earlier. But yes, but yes. Harbrakingly true. I'm kind of obsessed with this thing of like.

Looking a certain way gets you stuff in life and how that's unfair. If you're not just born gorgeous, but then now there's this whole thing that you can become gorgeous with enough money. This sounds so horrible. And I would hate listening to this if I was not financially doing so well. But there's a burden that comes with the money that you can do whatever you want to look the way that you're like.

You're like, I'm failing because I'm not doing the BBL and the face left and the lasers and there's always a new one coming out in some skin cream that you could do it.

It's like you could do that. It's like that failure that you feel of anything that you could do that you're not doing. And if you were prettier, what could you get?

“Because I don't think that my career and my success is based solely on my talent.”

It's based on looking good on TV too. I don't think I'm like the hottest person alive, but being a pleasant woman who someone deemed fuckable. Historically that works. It does. Yeah.

It's insane to think it doesn't. And what people tell me you don't need to worry about it and don't focus on that. And that's really sad that you focus on that. I really felt bad about myself for a while that I was like, it is sad that I'm so obsessed with this, but I'm like, No, you live in reality.

I just want to get things in life. I want to make money that I can then do good with. Because with you, I'm trying to be hot. So people pay me more so I can open an animal shelter. Is that really true?

Because it works. Yeah. You don't have to work. There are models that are literally people go, she's a legend and icon. A queen.

And she's 100 million dollars. And you've never heard her talk. And not to say that modeling isn't a talent because it is. It's really hard to be good at it. But it is way easier than writing scripts.

You think I used to be mad about it when I was less intelligent about like, she's just hot.

And it's like, that's just the way the world works.

Exactly.

“You do a great joke. And it's like, are you mad at the girls that thought their brain was so weak?”

That they had to go get a sociology degree? Is that vain? This whole thing of like, why just change your face? Be happy with what God gave you. But then a girl is going to get an education.

No one goes, just be happy with the brain that God gave you. When I realized that I was like, yes, that's the same thing. But no one shames a woman improving herself. If it's not aesthetically, because that's not threatening. Women and men are threatened by pretty women.

I myself included are so much more judgmental of a hot girl than I am a smart girl. A smart girl. I'm like, she's threatening to me in a way that I'm not even competing. I'm trying to get that. That's a different thing. Yeah, it's a different thing.

But to be somewhere on the spectrum of hot. Because some people are just like, that's not me at all. Like, fortunately, I'm sorry, did it show with her. There's no part of her that's like, if I did this, she is what she is. And she's not trying to be a feminine, sexy woman.

And she would be the first to say that. That's not like a rude thing to say. Yes, yes. But to be somewhere on the spectrum where it's like,

literally, I think a spray tan or lash extensions would amount to a thousand more likes if you have three million followers.

Do you know like a new miracle value in the system of just being vulnerable? But toxic or anything it does. So it's not sad to do it. And yes, it is sad when women do too much and it ends up not looking the right way. And people get so mad about it.

But feel bad for her.

“She went to have wonky doctor or she has body dysmorphia in her brain.”

It's like she wants to look like people who go, she ruined her face. We all know the actress I'm talking about when I said, like there's one or two in mind that you have where you're like, she ruined her face and met her like, "Ah, you just want to fuck her."

No, she was disgusting. It's like, first of all, she's 64. And so you want to fuck her when she was 32. But like, she's a different woman now. And she may have done stuff to her face.

But she's trying to be the girl that you knew in these movies. And she did it for you. She did it for you. Wow. She didn't ask for that.

That's the only part you're getting in an argument for me. Okay, bring it on, I love it. Because I think it's for each other. For women? Yeah, sure.

Because I can say it for me. I've gotten to a point where I have more muscles than women like. For sure. Men who I don't know grab my bicep and they're like, "Oh, what's your die?"

Right? And I have status among my gender from these muscles. And I love it. But women and gay men are kind of dictating show business culture of what is being lifted up as gorgeous, clean,

slay. And so whether a man wants to fuck you or not, men are kind of falling in line with the monetary value of the gaze and the girls wanting to be you. That's funny. Selling cosmetics to women, selling a brand to women.

We should be doing it for each other. But you are injecting to get back to the way you were when men wanted to fuck you. It doesn't work. But it's the best option you've got.

Yeah, I'm not disagreeing with that. But it's like, you'll know if Monica has the role on. I won't know man will ever know. I won't either, but I understand what you're saying. You know what I'm saying?

And I have a car that you don't know if it's the turbo one or the every man knows. Exactly. My status is among other men and your status is among other women. Yeah.

That's how we are as priming. And gay men. Yeah. That's the one. That's the one.

That's the one. That's the one. That's the one. That's it. Stay tuned for our share expert.

If you dare. [MUSIC] I just think a lot of times we blame the opposite sex. And I don't even think that's actually gay. I think that's not fair.

I agree with you. You're getting fashionable for each other because guys don't give a shit. We know that men don't like the big blubbery lips. But here's the thing. You do like us with makeup.

You don't like us with a ton. You do like us with some. You do. So you're going to say no Kristen so much more beautiful when she went to the morning. His bare face.

I really think that and I tell Monica all the time like I get to see Monica both versions. I don't think you would have initially fallen in love with Kristen or had that attraction. There was a makeup. She wasn't wearing no makeup. What do you matter?

First thing in the morning like so sleepy. And she's an exception. And we can acknowledge. She's been gifted with she is the most self-esteem of anyone. That's why I love.

She's a perfect partner. She's so confident. And it doesn't hurt her. No. She doesn't have the insecurities I have and you have in Monica.

And if someone argue, well, maybe it does hurt her and she didn't tell you what hurt her. And she's just taking it because she wants to keep you around. Yeah, that's someone who's projecting their insecurities. That's something I would do in a relationship.

I'd be like, he always makes fun of this thing.

But it seems really delight him that he makes fun of it. So it's like that I take it. But this is the cool girl. This is back to the thing Kristen that I want to say publicly, which is don't insult my wife.

She doesn't need your protection. You don't need to diminish her. That's what pisses me off. My wife has total fucking autonomy and is a gangster.

“So when you say that you need to come in and protect her, it's actually a fancy picture.”

Right? That's what the whole thing says. That's my comment. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

You're insulting her by saying you're going to go protect her. She's fucking good. Can I tell you a joke I was going to do with the Golden Globes about it? Yes. But I didn't do it because I'm friends with you.

And I was like, I don't want to make it like harder. I'm kind of flattered even being the man.

Well, now that we're friends, I have a feeling I know what you can take and what you can't take.

“And now that you know how I feel about that,”

that situation, I can tell Sean Penny looks like a leather handbag because I literally am attracted to him. If I literally thought he was disgusting, I don't think I would have been able to say it. I was already questioning saying that then I was like, no, you actually think he's hot. So this is fine.

It was. I'm nervous for you. I'm not. My only thought is do I want to pour fire on it, but we'll decide it later. Yeah, you can take it out.

Yeah, but I want to hear it. Definitely want to hear it. Die my love. If I had legs, I'd kick you. Sorry, baby.

These are not just captions. No, no, no. The dark shepherds Instagram posts for Mother's Day. [LAUGHTER] Or like for Kristen, or for his--

No, these are not just Dax Shepard captions for his anniversary posts. These are movies nominated tonight. Yeah. Very funny. Yeah.

But I didn't go because I also, like, it was old news by then. But mostly because I didn't know where you stood on. I wasn't one of those people that reached out. Like, I got your back, man, because I'm like, maybe he doesn't even know about this. Well, I was alerted by someone that this whole thing was happening.

I didn't know. That was your right now. I was going to mute your her purposes, but didn't know me. Oh, yeah. So I actually didn't know, and this was brought to my attention.

For like a couple of days, or like, how long? Oh, a week and a half. Stop. Yeah. I had no clue.

Wow, it was like already kind of out of the news cycle by the time. Someone comforted me, and I was like, what do you--

“And I had to go to Chris of what are they talking about?”

She's like, oh, that post I had. You just look good. Stop then. Of like staying away from stuff about you. I just did it.

Wow. Really? I got no. It's hard for me to know. That's the thing that bothers me is like, this is what you're talking about right now of all things you fucking losers.

I'm wasting your time on getting angry about this. Go read some files. You pay attention to what's going on in the-- I very much stay away from comments. I don't come on any comment to show.

I loved it. Thank you. I couldn't-- And I don't know if you don't do that. Because I knew that was out of character for you.

But it's like, this is not a good answer to you. But I cannot see this again. Also, I went to like a brunch before the go-and-globs for the cut. They asked me about it there. They asked us about it on the red carpet.

The whole time we did red carpet. Go ahead and read the book. I read the book. When I were talking about it. Oh, sure.

That was the one I read. Yes, yes, yes. The share thing too. Oh, my God. Yeah.

100% of our interviews on the Golden Globes. Again, it feels beneath me to even defend myself. But the thing that drives me nuts is like, we release it. No, that will be posted. We posted it.

You know how I feel about it. I think as hilarious. That's why I posted it. Exactly. Not only that, but the headlines about it.

We're so much worse than what it was when she watched it. But people watch things.

Because they're watching at first on daily mail or whatever.

They don't want to watch Mario Lopez talking about something to get to the thing. So they just read the quote or they don't even read the quote. They just read the headline. And that's all it is. And that is the most frustrating thing about being in the spotlight and having your words

taken on context. I'm just stressing to everyone at home who reads celebrity gossip as a consumer of myself and who's learned the truth about things after the fact from the source. Watch the video that is quoting in context. Watch the whole thing.

Don't just watch that clip. Go back to the podcast and watch the context of it. Be a savvy consumer.

“Because watching the video, you're like, what's the big story?”

It just took one person to be like that. Yeah. I know. And then it fucking caught fire. And no one's writing about it.

Even we're watching it. Yeah. It sucks so much. It's really the most dangerous thing about this job. Yeah. But I was like, it takes work to make a podcast.

We decided to put that in. This was added. This is a show because they don't work on their journalism. They don't even know what hard work is because they're doing celebrity. They didn't wear a Gatson Sheriff's podcast.

Yeah. Yeah. Totally. I don't let us have it. But what?

And that was an intervention that she wanted to have for you. And then they have music playing in the background of it.

That it was a serious moment where she finally was saying what she felt all along.

And she was being fun. People don't contractually share as being a funny person either. And being like one of the widiest women ever. I can handle most of the abuse to me because I know. America doesn't think anybody's good enough for.

And that's awesome. And she deserves that. So I can play the role. Anyone in my shoes wouldn't be good enough for it. And that's awesome.

It just, your name is Dax. We have a big personality. Yeah. You have a podcast where you talk. We are going to find flaws about you that we can hit against you to say that you don't deserve.

You don't deserve America's we are. That you don't deserve our snow princess having a podcast is putting you in the line of fire in a way that other celebrities aren't. You're going to say bonehead things. You're going to have vulnerable moments that people can attack like you're a funny kind of ridiculously larger than life. Care person.

That's going to be problematic in some way. Because it can't. And I want all the upside. So guess what? Yeah.

I got to take all the down. Yes. Okay. I want to talk about she does 10 solid minutes on her vagina. A great 10.

Thank you. Solid strong 10 got it on your vagina. Yeah. But some people don't like that. Listen.

This has been a waste of your fear. We love this. We love it. Can I just tell you what? We love it.

The description of her vagina, which she's insecure about.

Love that. Yes. Oh, thank you so much. I'm talking about women talking about their vagina. No.

I've always insecure about, oh, they're saying all she does is talking about her pussy.

You read that comment about me constantly. And so I just lean into it because I'm like, this is what the people want to stuff. Yeah. Exactly.

That's the part of my set that I always wanted to take out. Because it was just like, is there just pussy jokes? And it's not as high caliber writing as other stuff I work on. But it was undeniable. It goes so hard.

It's like, what? You got to kill some people with their own. Yeah. I'll say it's even more than that. Every man in the audience is concerned about the size of their penis.

Yes. And every female's worried that their vagina doesn't look right. Yeah. You are comforting all these people. Yes.

Make girls feel less lip shamed sincerely. Yeah. It's profound. It's cutting to the audience in the way the women are laughing. It is with Riddle Leaf.

I agree. Like, as a woman that had a vagina that I would say, I still have anxiety about the idea of hooking up with someone new ever in the future of like, what if he doesn't like it or what if it smells a weird way? It doesn't go away even though I am so open.

And people can just hear what it looks like. And yet you're still going to be nervous. So nervous. So if I can give any woman a relief of, I'm not alone in that.

“That's why I do it because I wish someone would've been talking about their sloppy posties.”

When I was coming up and I was first trying to hook up and I compared myself to my friends and felt so disgusting and ugly.

And I wanted to tell you as someone with a lot of male friends. We're in. We love it. A lot of you do some of you don't. They're dudes who have not even been with women.

I know. They think they want and they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. That's what I was telling women when men are super horny. They don't see your stretch marks. They don't see your fat rolls.

They don't see your floppy tits. They're kind of dumb. They're kind of like. Do. And you're a spell.

Don't worry about the stuff when a guy is horny. And if this dick is hard, he's not processing. Tell you like he isn't. And you're not seeing his gut. You're looking at his shoulder.

Me like I'm not showing on. I'm processing. But if I am super wet and horny, you get dumb. That's why you put your mouth near a butt hole. Yeah.

Why would you do that unless you were kind of dumb. So you don't have the cognitive functioning to like take apart dismantle someone's appearance when you're horny. So if a guy is horny, let loose a little bit. Enjoy the ride. Exactly.

Just keep it clean. Yeah. Do keep it clean. Keep it clean. But don't worry about your lips down there.

I do feel though that what you're saying is exactly right. But there are times where I will think about someone new. And I'll be like, oh, but I wouldn't do that because of this thing. And I'm like, how many fucking things do you got? That is like that.

“Would you want someone to dismiss you for that thing?”

That's the nervous part is in the dating phase before love. Because when you love someone, you really don't care about any of that stuff. It becomes hilarious or you just stop seeing it. It was just on Instagram last night. And there was this account that's true celebrity skin texture.

They turn up the structure. You know, like that knob that turns up the shadows that brings out every imperfection in your face. And they do that for all the red carpet. I was proud to make it because it's a popular account. But I was like, oh, yeah, I'm included on this.

It's all alicers. And I get to mind. You could see my pores and the texture and just like, oh, it's like played. And I'm comparing it to other ones. Like maybe that's not as bad as hers.

And like I used to really love those accounts when I felt insecure. And I wanted to see that celebrities weren't as pretty as they claim to be. But then I was thinking about it. And I was like, all these people in the comments are dismantling us and kind of calling us out for us. She's tried to hide this, but she couldn't.

I commented. I was like, I am so ashamed of myself that I tried to hide my skin texture and pores. When I was on a red carpet taking a photo of the thousands of people would see. I need to be more honest about my texture of my skin. It was honest about my pores.

And I'm so ashamed that I tried to feel pretty in a moment where it is imperative that you look pretty.

And I will never forget myself.

I'm going to take some time to think about this. I think it's a time away. But I used to be one of the people that looked at that. I would never have commented. Like, comedy is insane to me.

But I understand being like, good. Oh, she has actually as acne or whatever. But it just felt like a hit piece for like trying to look pretty. And I'm sorry that I'm on this red carpet. And you're not on it or that you feel like I'm lying to you.

I'm not like, I'll tell you everything I did.

“But again, it goes back to like no one in your whole life is ever going to come up to you and go, you've got shit skin texture.”

So you have to decide to walk through the room where people are. Yeah, yeah. Right. My glam team might be like, what's going on? But yeah, I mean, I know it's some hard truths.

My attitude and I go to see tomorrow might be like, you need to hydrate. But you're right. And at some point, this is how I take my own responsibility. Like, I have to go enter into this room where people are behaving this way. It's not forced upon me.

It's just jealousy and I understand jealousy. Do you watch as much foreign as you claim to in the special? I go through spurts, but I have been watching a lot recently. And a lot, I mean, once I find the video, I like, I'm done in literally five seconds. But I like to go now for a little bit.

Rev up and make sure I'm coming to the best one. Yes, which is not possible. It was for a go. What about when you realize it was for a go? I got a body should have committed for a go.

And you need to get all the same time. Why did you? And why did you get greedy? Why did you get so fucking greedy?

Very quickly.

I'm not joking there with like sometimes you get suggested.

Like, here's a fisting video. And you're like, ew, fisting. And they're like, you know, based on all the gangbings you've been watching. Because we don't have anymore. And it's like, I literally a bunch of people.

I'm out of gangbings. What? I took a break from porn just because I was busy or something. Not because I was having sex. I don't know why.

And I got no way. And I was so excited that there were months of production. Oh, that led to more of me out. Even though I love a vintage, like a pre 9/11, before the anxiety of that. Because I was doing it back to like a 2000 low definition.

Low definition. Oh, God. It's like modern enough. But like the world was different. And everyone was fair.

“My question, though, was are you scenario driven or I'm like very visually driven?”

Like I'm looking for something specific visually. Are you? Is it very scenario? Mine is about. I want the guy to talk.

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And I want the guy to be invested in it. No, there's no competition. You're just out there. Okay. Racing yourself. Whoever's out there, so you're racing. Oh, okay. You're trying to pass people. Okay. Yeah. But there's no checkered flag.

That's not true. There is a checkered flag at the end of every session. Yeah. The sessions are 20 minute sessions. And as you're writing on the track, you'll notice someone's waving the checker flag. That means come in.

You've got to put your leg off the side of the motorcycle. Let people know you're pulling into the pits. You know these are a little safety. You know what I like? I like that each industry has their own verbite and their own little ways of being that are specific to the industry.

They're just niche elements. And it's like if you know it, you're in.

“Yeah. There's several different flags that could be waived.”

Like when you wave the white flag, it means wars over. No white flag means one last lap. Yeah. Doesn't it also mean the war is over? Oh, that's a surrender. Yeah.

Yeah. Great. What you don't want is the black flag. If they point the black flag at you, you've done a bozo error. And you, or being asked to leave the track,

because you're a dingus. Another example of. Oh, act things being bad and white things being good. Well, how do you explain the checkered flag? It's half black and it means you've won the race.

I mean, it's the best. Well, whatever. That's anomaly, but the black flag is bad. And the white flag is. Hip, hip, right?

No, it's. Well, surrender in your case. That means whites are weak. Well, no. It's wars over.

Everyone's happy. I don't think the side of surrenders generally happy when they were waving that flag. The world is happy.

I've never had to wave it, but I'm guessing.

As you're waving, it's not your happiest hour. Just keep your ears peeled for, you know, when you hear the word black in front of, I changed just as life by bringing this up. Oh, you did tell me how.

He now he sees it everywhere. Tell me. And he's always texting me. Give me examples of, you know, black. Now I can't think of any, okay?

Okay, black cat. Right, bad luck, black cat. You know, yeah, things like that. But here's where you get to decide. Do you think it's about black people or said that?

Right. I'm saying you get to decide if you think that's in reference to black people or that darkness is night light is day darkness is when it's scary in blackness you can't see anything. You're more vulnerable.

Like, is it about light or is it about people? And then you, if you decide it's about people, then yeah, it's going to be. We just don't know. We know that black yeah, has it has a. Often negative connotation.

Correct. What is it based in darkness or in people? Well, it could, it could be all mixymoo. Okay. Yeah.

It could be, chicken or the egg. It could be, there's a lot, you know, there's a lot. Yeah. There's a lot there. Yeah.

But anyway, just keep your ears peeled. It's kind of, it is actually kind of interesting and fun. Yeah, I've, I've been aware of that in the past myself. Yeah. Yeah.

But I don't think it's about black people. I think it's about black of light. Okay. Well, we just don't know. We won't know.

Well, never know.

That's when you find out who first set it up black cat is bad luck.

Bad luck. What'sifying that? We're not going to find that person. That's got to be, they got to be long dead. I would love to invite them to my, um, go.

My ghost celebrity to her party.

Who would be your celebrity? My ghost one? Yeah. It's a great question. Um, you know, who I would invite.

I would invite John Beney. Ramsey. Oh. Because you're going to find out. Yeah.

I really want to find out. Well, that's a fun idea is inviting people that can answer mystery. Exactly. I want answers. Yeah.

Um, who else would I want their hood? Jesus, right? Ah, nah. Really. You don't want to try to get eyes on them to see if he was, like,

snake oil salesman or sincere or truly the son of God or you don't even want to know.

I know. Well, this is people might be very offended by this. I'm just like, not all that in a treat by Jesus. Yeah. I'm intrigued by what people have done.

Well, he's clearly the most famous man to ever live. Yeah. So in that respect, I would not because of necessarily who he was.

“Like, I think he might be boring at my table.”

I want, and like, is he going to get along with John Beney? Ramsey? I think, well, if there's any kid. There's anything everyone agrees about him. He was very nice.

He was a very nice forget. Well, he was nice, but he was like, he had opinions. He had strong morally, like, good opinions. Yeah. The opinions were definitely like.

I agree with him. Forgive him.

I just don't know if John Beney Ramsey is going to, like, feel judge.

Actually, she's a child. So it's going to be a rough dinner party guest regardless. Maybe she can, like, come for the beginning and leave. Come for dessert. That'll be the big surprise at the end of dinner.

We're going to find out the end of a big mystery. Jimmy Hoffa. You could also invite. Find out what happened to him who killed him. Who's he?

Hmm. Very famous. He was a team Sir Boss. Oh, right. There's that movie about him.

Yeah. I want to say dinner. Played off of me. Yes, of course. Daisy movie.

Uh-huh. And there's a bazillion rumors about how he was killed. Hmm. There's allegations. He was mobbed up.

He was taking teams for money. I think investing casinos. There was a lot of action happening. I'm good. I don't even know about him.

I don't even know about him. Oh, you know who I want to have. Charles Manson. Not at the same time as John Beney Ramsey. I'm going to keep those two apart.

He's not invited to dessert. He's there for apps and apps only. I really, I want to, that's someone like kind of how you're describing Jesus. Yeah. That's how I feel about Charles Manson.

Like he got all these people under his spell. Yeah. And I want to see that. You want to see if he could put you under his spell. I just want to see what his personality.

Like how do you do?

“What if he, what if he converts you in that limited time?”

You're not afraid of that? I don't think there'll be time for us to go like do a big murder. Okay. So I think it's fine. - I know. - By the way, it could be a Messiah only dinner.

And it's a lot of people who've claimed to be the Messiah. - That would be really interesting. And then see how they clash. - Uh-huh. - 'Cause they're all gonna be like really gunning. - I'm gonna have Muhammad at mine as well. The prophet for his one, I'm gonna find,

I'm gonna try to get a read on him. - Okay. So you're an of Jesus and Muhammad? - The thing about Jesus is everything we know about him was written a couple of hundred years after he died. Unfortunately, so I would do want to know how accurate the description is with the real man. - No, certainly. - Also, people would be, that's such a good future dinner party story.

As I say, I had dinner with Jesus. - Rob. - Yep. - Dex and I came to you and he said, "We both came from dinner parties. "Who do you want to talk to?" Me, who had John Bene Ramsey or Dex, who had Jesus.

You only get to pick one of us and learn information. What would you pick? - Probably Jesus. I don't think men are consumed with what happened at John Bene Ramsey. It just across the board, I'm willing to go out on the limb and say that I think. Like, I'm not terribly interested in finding out.

“- Really? - 'Cause I don't think it's a terrible that she died.”

But it makes no difference this she's unfortunately passed. It's not gonna heal anything for me. - It's gonna bring closure to a very... - You're very young. - You're very young. - That's very haunting. Like, I just really want to know if it's the brother.

Oh, my God, do you think? - Yeah, I don't even know that that's an option. - Yeah, I don't either. No shade, and if he listens to this podcast, great, actually, and I thank you for listening, and I hope... - Where do you hear this theory about? - How about you tell me where you heard this theory. - It's a very, very common theory.

- Okay, and you did you want to borrow them? - In the head with his bowl of pineapple and milk. - Oh, okay.

- Oh, no, no, it's... - How old is he?

“- Well, now I don't know. - Oh, he was a kid too. That's why.”

- How old? - There's a few theories about the brother taking out some aggression on job in A Ramsey, and the parents, of course. Of course, I would do this too, maybe. Actually, I don't want to say that. The parents did not want to turn in their child. - Sure, no. - That's how all this happened.

- Okay, that's an acting theory. That's a big theory. - That's a big theory. - I can give you another example. - Okay. - I am no interest in finding out if there's more than one shooter for JFK. I'm totally satisfied with that it was Lee Harvey Oswald. - Right. - I don't, I wouldn't waste a guest on that.

I don't, it doesn't keep me up at night trying to figure out that whole thing. - Oh, you know who that reminds me of who I would have, but can I, can I do it too for one? - Oh, yes, yeah. - Okay, it's a cop here. - Okay. - So the Losers Act, like they're one. - Okay. - JFK, Jr. and Carol, the second entity. - 'Cause you're watching the show.

- Yeah, and I've always been sort of very intrigued by them,

and she's so fashion, just like I wonder. And I do want to know last moments. - Like, from where do I play? - Yeah, I know.

“- Like, how did it feel, like, what did you have for Disney's?”

- No, like, things like that, like, did piece happen? - Well, you're not watching Madison, I can't imagine. Madison's a new Taylor shared in show. I'm watching it 'cause Kevin Ziegres is on it. - Oh, you're friend. - And Ziegres plays a very handsome, studly cowboy.

It's very fun to watch him in that role. But the first episode, Kurt Russell and his brother died in a smaller craft, and they get into weather. And yeah, as it's being at least executed in that, I'm like, yeah, you're completely blind all of a sudden.

You're like now staring at gauges. You don't know where you're at in time and space, and then you crash. - Mm-hm. - It's terrible. - Like the feeling of everyone being disoriented, like, I don't know if we're flying up or down or sideways,

or left or right, and it's blind, I mean. - But I just wonder what happens to your nervous. Like, I wonder if you really know, you're like, yeah. - Well, I, again, I had that experience when we were rolling in the car, I was like, oh, yeah, this is it.

- I know it wasn't it, thank God. - Well, yes, but whether you know or not, when you can decide this is gonna end fatally, is what I'm sharing with you. - I know. I just wonder if that, I guess that's sort of the thing.

We can't know what the difference is from feeling like you're gonna die and dying, to feeling like you're gonna die and not dying. I just wonder, like there might be some true chemical difference that's happening in our body. - Yeah, I'm only offering you what it was like when my equivalent of looking out

and we can't see anything, and we're looking at instruments, and you go, oh yeah, we're about to die. This is how that goes. So I've had that experience, and that experience was far less terrifying than I would have guessed.

My surrender to it was weirdly peaceful. - Yeah, well, I want to ask them, and I want to ask them how they feel about the show. - That's currently out, okay, you want to see if they're watching it. - Yeah, I just want to see how they feel about a show being made

about their lives and if they're like, I'm really like, it's fine. Or if they're like, yeah, this is not accurate, and we're pretty pissed about it. - Stay tuned for our share expert if you dare. (upbeat music)

- I would never want to show portraying what was happening inside

of my house by people who were not inside my house. I would never ever want to. - I don't think anyone would want to. - I don't think even if you did a nice job and it was flattering, you would miss what's special about our family, and I don't want you telling a version of our family.

That's not the real version. - I'm not. - You know?

“- Right, I mean, yeah, I'm sure that's what Prince Harry feels.”

- When he's watching the crown, yeah. - That's such a good show that. - Because the whole show is about the interpersonal. - Yeah, the queen, his grandma. - Yeah, there is no show other than the interpersonal dynamics.

And the writers weren't there. - And his dad and all those things. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's tough. - I guess then the question, the moral question is like, "So we just agree it's not good for the family. That's pretty obvious."

And then you got, I guess, way that against society, does there's some greater good that you should be asked to just deal with and sacrifice that.

I'd love to hear it presented safely.

“- This is, this is certainly back to our last fact check,”

because we do talk about this show. And I say, I recognize this is not a good show to actually be consuming, and yet I kind of can't stop. - Yeah, yeah. - No. I don't think there's any greater good

that telling the romanticized version of JFK Jr. and Killing the set. I don't think that's doing anything for society. Other than, other than, if someone's having a dark time and they're enjoying that show so much,

and it's like pulling them out of some depression. Great, but that's so individual. I don't think we could say, like, as a whole. - Yeah, yeah. - That is worth it. Let's see, there really are not many facts for Nikki,

but it was such a great episode and I just love her.

- I did too. She's equal parts hilarious

and self-aware and smart. - She is. - Yeah. - Dream guest. - She's a great guest. - Are you gonna watch her stand-up show?

“Are you gonna heat her, or her plea to not watch it?”

- I'm gonna watch it. I have to watch it. - Yeah. - I wanna watch it so bad, but I heard her say, don't. - I think she also made it clear that if you watch it, just don't tell her you did it. - Yeah, exactly.

I'm not going to. - So, did you go with her on Sunday? - Yeah, we hung out. - Oh, you did. - What do you guys do? - We had lunch. It was such a lovely time. And I like her so much.

Yeah, we really, you know, you around some, you know, when you just like get the vibe, you're like, I really could be friends with this person. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - When you, I mean on the show. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

- Well, I actually don't feel that that often, but I did feel it with Nicky.

And after the first appearance,

she DMed me. I think you guys exchanged numbers. She DMed me and said I was too nervous to ask for your number. - Oh, that's so cute. - That's so cute. But I wanna hang out.

Anyway, so, we hung out. And I was right. I was like, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - We're meant to be friends. - The punch friend? - Yeah, she's really, really cool. Seeing of another time I did this,

maybe the only other time. Kate Mara. - Yes. - Is in a show imperfect women currently? - Yeah, yeah. - And there's only two episodes. I didn't know that. So I started the show,

blew through those two and I was like, up, you know, we had to throw a tantrum because it was only two episodes out. - Yeah. - And she doesn't live here anymore. She lives on the east coast. It's very sad. - I'm knowing. - And I picked up my phone

to text her and it was two a.m. our time. - Okay, so five a.m. - Five a.m. and I was like, you're about two a.m. - Yeah, I was watching. - You're watching. - You're watching. - Yeah. - I told you, right, that my mom,

when my mom was visiting, she does the same thing. - She binges. - And she'll watch until two.

“- You guys are ready. - And how late was she asleep?”

- She likes to sleep. - She'll get her eight hours. And no matter what time she goes back. And then she peels back the time over the next few days. - Yeah, she just keeps it going. - Just keeps going. Go for her. She's a vampire. She's a vampire.

- Yep. Anyway, so I was like, I can't in like good conscience text Kate right now. That this hour. - Okay. - But I, so I waited until the morning. And as soon as I woke up, I said two episodes.

- Fuck you. - Yeah, big enough. - You know a link or anything? - She's working on it. - Okay, good, good, good, good. - But I'm in, I'm hooked. It's got my, it's got it's hooks in me and I want to know.

- Delties away at a fun camp. - Oh. - For the school. - Yes. - So exciting. Link and I've gone to the same one with school and in love day. It's where she learned that Uranus is a gaseous planet.

There's a part two to it. - Oh. - That's great. - Okay. - Anyway, she's there, which means we've had two nights without her where the three of us can watch whatever we want. And Link and his now older, so she has an appetite for more

adult drama, intense shows. - Yeah. - So the three of us love paradise. - I was about to start season two last night and I didn't get it. - You're gonna love it? - Ooh, I can't wait. And we got all the way through seven.

There's only eight episodes. - Oh, they do this. - And now we're in trouble because Delta returns. - Oh. - And we are dying to see the resolution of this season. - Oh, no. She just centered on my house to hang for a bit. - Yeah. - You guys secretly watch that.

- She likes this Korean high school drama. It's very Beverly Hills and I don't even know what it's in Korea.

I'm gonna watch an episode of that before we go to bed. And those shows get me. - Any high school drama? I'm in. - There's so much drama in high school. - Yeah. - So many people like so many people and they like the wrong person.

They like their best friends, friend, or boyfriend. And it is. It's a juicy playground for a hard time to live. - Yeah. So I love that that's so cute. Delta's into like these kind of a high school drama. - I love that. - Oh, and then I showed them all.

Can't buy me love a few nights ago. - You're gonna be. - Favorite movie? - Dempsey. I'm gonna say it in public. Patrick Dempsey, who's currently so handsome. - Oh my god, yeah. - He's a smoke show.

- He is. - He was so fucking cute as a teenager. And very, very Timothy Shalomay. It's a very similar vibe. And I'm like, yeah, he was our Timothy Shalomay. But he just kind of disappeared for a while.

And then pop back up as a super handsome adult male. - Gray's anatomy. - But he's got that same

wiery, super alive eye. He is incredible.

And can't buy me love. What a movie. - Yeah. - They loved it. - He's so handsome. - He is really handsome. Can't wear no wily. - Oh, make me. I mean, obviously no wily. - Okay, Greg.

- It's because like... - The whole thing. - He's such a good doctor. - So was McDreamy? - Wow. - He might have even been better. I don't even know. - No, but... - I didn't want to. I mean, he was a great, he was a great, really good doctor.

- Really good doctor. - Oh, brain. - I know a lot. - But, you know, he's only had one role as a doc. So I like, I, I, I, I, grain of salt. - Oh, okay. You know, Noah wily is a doctor at this point.

“- He's on two. - I think someone should give him this as MD for real.”

- Sure he is an honorary. - Ah.

- He's always out at colleges and doctor conventions and in front of Congress.

- He is like... - I know. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - He's doing the right thing. I've never had her done. He's always like writing motorcycles with you. - No, he's like... - No, he's like... - Never had the rape treatments. - He's racing cars.

I had, it was a, it was a, it was a big moment for me, because the girls got super interested in him after camp. I mean, love, and they want to see pictures of him now, and they realize, oh, they had seen him on the commercials for that thing. And then Kristen said he's also a really good driver like daddy.

And I said, "Gay's even, he's faster." - Whoa. - I don't know how he does, I don't know how he does in Raleigh, I don't know how he does drifting. I don't know his full suite of skills, but on a road course, he's faster, and I admitted that to my children,

and it was not easy for me. - I had to feel afterwards, like totally fine. - They still loved me. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. - I added, we're probably the two fastest drivers of all actors from Planetary.

- They probably... - We're embarrassed about that second part, I said.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

“- You could have stopped there. - I think more Kristen was like,”

"Oh, while you're going to say that," and I know he is. He has a lot more track time. - How should I reciprocate? Like, I should say someone's better than me. - At something. - At something. - Yeah. - I feel a lot of pride in it. - Yeah, so what would that be?

- So what would that be? - Okay, fashion. - There we go. - Oh, good. This is more fashionable than you know. - Well, that's, I mean, like so many people. - Oh, okay. - Well, are they? Because they get styled.

Street style. - Because there's another podcast. - There's another podcast. - Is there another podcast that has better style than you? - I mean, there's like a Vogue podcast. So those girls are going to... - You would hold.

- They're going to be as fashionable as me. - Okay. - I'm kidding. No, actually. There are two hosts of the Vogue podcast. And I know for certain, at least one of them, is far more fashionable than me.

- Okay. Are they independent from the podcast, like fashion journalists? Like, what are their bonafiles? They work at Vogue. - Yes. - Okay. - One of them is the current editor. - That's a tricky job because it's not,

you're not starting at 500,000 years. - Yeah, you're going to be expected to have impeccable style. So what do they do? Are they getting freebies? - Well, these girls are like, they like, run Vogue basically. So they have money. - Okay.

- But like, yeah, when you interview at Vogue,

“and you have to look perfect, and yeah, you don't have much money.”

- Yeah. - That is fashion on another level, because you can put together an outfit out of... - Not a lot. - Not a trash gear, yeah. - What do I just say this? Mindy is just like better than me across the board.

- Oh. - At everything. - Oh, wow, not gymnastics, not cheers. - I've ever seen her do those things.

- Oh, you think I'm good at parallel parking? - I think you're better than her. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go on an 11 to your better than her, yeah. - Yeah. - I'm only okay. - I think you're better. - I don't actually.

- I've assessed her from afar. Is that mean as good as you at parallel parking? - I feel actually weirdly defensive. - I know it's interesting. - Yeah, yeah. - Because, you know why? Because she grew up in a city.

- Yeah, not driving. - No, she you have to drive in Boston.

“- Okay. - But I think you have to parallel park more.”

I never had to parallel park until my drivers test in Atlanta once,

and then when I arrived in Los Angeles. - Okay. - It was my second time. So I, you think she's better? - I think she's better than me. - Okay. - I love parking.

She's a better rider than me. There's no, there's no question. - Well, but is that your primary identity? - I have a lot of pride at my writing, yeah. - As you should. - Thank you.

- My driving's above my acting and my podcasting, my writing, my love making, my everything. - Oh my god, what is mine? - It's tied with fighting, I think. - Oh, no. - Yeah. - Yeah. - That's no. - Yeah.

- Can finding, like, at this point come down, at this point? - No, it's very much, who I am, and it's very much, yeah, no. - Wow. - Like, did you see this thing? This is incredible. Do you see this viral thing?

The guy who plays Jack Reacher, Alan Richson,

who plays Jack Reacher. He's enormous. - Okay. - Yeah, look at him. He's a beast. - We have a picture of him up for the listener. - I can't believe you haven't. None of these videos have come across your Instagram.

So he was writing a motorcycle in his neighborhood in Texas with his two boys writing little or motorcycle behind him. Apparently they had done some laps. He happened to have a body camera on. - Oh, okay. - And neighbors are filming

from across the street. So this whole thing is very, very documented. - What happened? - This one neighbor, this really big guy from, he's not from here. He has some kind of, I don't want to offend anyone. I don't know if he's got an English accent or Australian accent or whatever he's got.

Big dude comes out and just screaming at them. Stop writing this, stop writing these fucking motorcycles. I'm calling the guy he's chatting out, right? He's just a told chat.

And he jumps in front of Richson's motorcycle.

- Oh, God. - And then Richson falls. - Oh, God.

“He gets up and he's telling the guy get away from me, right?”

I'm going to bludgeon you, get away from me. And the guy is still screaming at him in his face. He gets back on his motorcycle. He goes the whole way. And the guy seems in front of his motorcycle again and pushes him. And now he falls off his motorcycle again.

And then Allen beats the shit on this guy in New York. - Oh, no. - This is like that. This is what everyone wants to be. You want to be fast at. Like this is like, no.

- Yes, I went at when an asshole like that comes out and shoves me off my motorcycle in the street and thinks he can behave that way. I want the ability to show him. - But that guy is also thinking that.

- That one guy started the whole situation. - But he identifies that way too. That's the whole issue. It's two people who identify like that that come together and create chaos.

- Yeah, and in your mind it'd be better if the guy who's shoving people off his motorcycle. - No. - That guy sucks. I hate that guy, but that guy, my point is

that guy is also the same type of guy. He thinks he's defending the neighbor. - He's not the same type of guy. Allen is not the type of guy that would be out in the street shoving strangers.

So they're not the same type of guy at all. One guy's an asshole and one guy's a nice dude writing with his family. And then luckily the bully in the situation did not have the upper hand.

In fact, he didn't have anything back. - One guy who likes to fight. - Yeah, Allen didn't like to fight. He wasn't starting anything. - When he was assaulted,

he quickly had the upper hand over this bully. And that's a great thing. - I'm fine with that. I'm just saying, liking to fight. - No.

“- It's not a quality I think should be at the top of it.”

- You're liking to not be subjugated by assholes is what I like. So when a man, a stranger comes out and tries to enact his will on you and stop what you're doing and shove you off your motorcycle.

- I like. When that person doesn't have to be a victim, they can get up and be the victor. - I like it a lot. - Yeah, but we were talking about

your ranking of identity markers. - Yeah, so I want to be the guy that if you attack me and try to bully me or victimize me, you're not going to get away with it. That's a very important part of my identity

as I move through the world. - Okay. - Well, anyway, Mindy, she's better than me a lot. It's great.

All right. Now, only two facts.

This is a picture of Nikki as the mass singer.

“I remember she told us she's a snowflake.”

- Have you seen that video, Rob? - No, I have not. - The guy's to, he went on some kind of podcast or something the neighbor. And he's trying to act like he got assaulted.

And all these people watch the video. I'm break it down. It means like, and then, oh, no, no. I shoved them in the, and they're like, okay, hold on, sir.

So you left your house. She didn't call it cops on him. You decided to come out and come front him. And then you shoved him.

And then plays were like, not an assault.

So he's got no charge. - That's good. - That's good. - That's good. - Oh, get up.

- Oh, my heavens. - Yes.

“- Well, she's like a spacing alien snowflake.”

- Yep, yep, she is. - Wow. - There's a lot going on with that mask. - How much you love that outfit? - It's a fun outfit. - Yeah, that feels like her vibe.

- It also could be like a fun Halloween costume. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, um, Heidi might end up in the same way.

- Oh, yeah, Heidi. - Ugh. - That bless her spirit, Heidi. - She's so good at Halloween. - Yeah, I'm glad we have her.

- Me too. - Okay, so you quote a garrison killer. - Uh-huh. - About. - You said, but in truth, I don't want to just be a door

and I want to be a son, God. The question is, do you know what essay came from? 'Cause we can't find it right now. - Oh, I can find it right now. - Yes, I can read it.

- And then maybe people can read it. - Um, I just have to look up Tommy Sharming. 'Cause he's the one who sent it to me. - I also wanted to share a quote.

“I remember from Garrison Keyler's first book,”

"Lake Wobagon Days." Obviously inspired by your joyous conversation with HRC. I deflect every kind word directed to me. And my denials are much more extravagant than the praise. Good speech.

Oh, it was way too long. I didn't know what I was talking about. I was just blathering on and on. I was glad when it was over. I do this under the impression that it is humility,

a becoming quality in a person. Actually, I am starved for a good word, but after the long drought of my youth, no word is quite good enough. Good isn't enough.

Under this thin veneer of modesty lies a monster of greed. I drive away faint praise, beating my little chest, waiting to be named Sun God. King of America, idol of millions, bringer of fire, the great Hajai.

Thunder, the boy giant. I don't want to say thanks, glad you liked it. I want to say rise, my people, remove your faces from the carpet, stand to look at me in the face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, first book. Yeah. Great. I'm glad we got the whole thing.

And big shout out to Tommy Schlamy, TV's greatest strong director. So, we're doing it. We're sending me that great quote. All right.

Love you. [BLANK_AUDIO]