Tell me a parenting issue everyone struggles with with tweens and teens, but ...
about.
“Rina, I think a lot of people feel like they just don't know how to connect to their”
kid anymore. I'm Rina 9 and welcome to Asli, so the psychology of raising tweens and teens, and on Dr. Lisa Demor, we bring you science back strategies for managing anxiety, discipline, intense emotions, and more. We decode tough parenting issues with tips you can use right now.
So subscribe to AsliSa, the psychology of raising tweens and teens, and join our YouTube community today. Just Google, Ask Lisa Podcasts, we're here to help you untangle family life. Episode 264, The Best of Ask Lisa, Friendship, Breakups, and Conflict. Clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Demor has been helping parents of tweens and teens
to navigate this stuff for decades, and we've gathered her most important advice and insights
on friendship breakups and conflict in one place, so you can have them when you need them most. Your kid just got dropped by their friend group, or they're in the middle of friendship blow up and you have no idea how to help. In this episode, you're going to hear exactly what's going on beneath the surface, and
what to actually say. Before we get help, our kid's navigators, we're going to talk about a lot of things that are going to be done. Now, we're going to talk about the first thing that's going to be done, and we're going to talk about the second thing that's going to be done, and then we're going
to talk about the second thing that's going to be done, and then we're going to talk about
the second thing that's going to be done, and then we're going to talk about the second one thing that's going to be done, and we're going to talk about the second thing that's going to be done, and we're going to talk about the second thing that's going to be done, and before we can help our kids navigate friend conflict, it helps to understand why things can get so cruel in middle school friendships in the first place, and these excerpts from
our original episode 185, "How should my son deal with trash-talking friends?" Lisa explains the social mechanics at play here. The reason kids worry about social power in the middle school, especially, is that they
“have, you know, I think about this, like, they've left the shore of the comfort of their”
family life, they are working towards the shore of pure connections, they are very anxious,
and unfortunately, Rina, in middle school, the shortest route to social power is to demonstrate
the willingness to be mean, because not everybody will do it. This kind of meanness among boys is often done like just joking, right? Like there's a lot of just joking, which is a such a trap because what's said is hurtful, but if you react, you're being a baby, and so the kids on the receiving end of this are left with like these terrible choices of participating, pretending like it doesn't
bother them or showing that they're hurt, at which point they actually subject themselves to more punishment. One of the questions parents often face is what's happening to my kid actually bullying, or is it just friendship conflict? That distinction between bullying and conflict really matters, both for how we talk to our kids about it, and for how we respond.
Lisa breaks it down, and this short excerpt from the original episode 166, "My kid is being bullied. What should I do?"
“I want to ask you, how would you define what is bullying and conflict?”
So when we walk up to the question of what is bullying, the way that's a college was to find it, and it matters to us to be very, very specific about this, is that bullying is when a kid is targeted by another kid or a group of kids and is unable to defend themselves. Everything else we call conflict, kids not getting along at school, or one kid's given it on Monday, the other kid's given it on Tuesday, like that's conflict, Lisa, why do kids
do this? Why do they bully? There's no one reason that describes all situations, but there are some things we see that explain why kids bully. Sometimes kids bully, because it's how they're treated elsewhere.
They're being mistreated either at home or in another relationship, and they can start to sort of construct this idea of like, "Well, there's one or two spots you stand in. You're either the bully, you're either given it or getting it." Right? Sometimes we see kids who get drunk on the social power of it, right now.
Everyone's in a while come across a kid who either is willing to be meaners willing to experiment with being mean, so it's some sort of weird social power as what you're saying. Yeah, they just sort of get like drunk on power, and sometimes kids bully because they're bored.
Just out of boredom, that's why they do it.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know what? Nothing going on.
“I want to waste stir or something up and start it, right?”
So those are some of the reasons we see.
In episode 194, how do I help my daughter get past an ugly rure? We dove into relational aggression, excluding people, and rumors spreading. Lisa's wisdom is something every parent of a tween or teen girl especially needs to hear. You know, we call this relational aggression as opposed to physical aggression, and it's
where kids use social forces to hurt one another, and relational aggression tends to take a couple of forms. One is excluding, icing kids out, and the other is spreading rumors about them. When kids are willing to be mean, their classmates will sort of, you know, cover in the seventh grade, cover in the eighth grade, be nervous around that kid in the ninth grade,
by tenth grade, kids are over it, and they do not allow queen bees to make up rumors and
tell lies, you know, queen bees or king bees, whatever you got in that grade.
Now that's the old school. One of the things that I am hearing across the board in schools is that the pandemic delayed the typical social trajectories we were used to. If I've heard one thing consistently from schools in the wake of the pandemic is, oh my God, the ninth graders feel like seventh graders.
“I think if we're really honest about kids in schools, we are still seeing pandemic after”
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Have you ever wondered why when a kid is being targeted, their friends just disappear, and nobody steps in to defend them? In the short excerpt from the original episode 249, when teasing turns toxic, what's apparent to do, Lisa shares a metaphor that explains so much about the impossible position kids find themselves in, and why we can't be too hard on their friends even when it's
painful to watch. So one of the ways I've started to think about seventh graders is they are between the shores. So on one shore is being embedded in family life over there and that other shore is like adult friendship, usually like tenth grade, 11th grade, like you got your people.
They're in the water, which will make these shores. Okay, they're all looking for a raft to be on. This kid just got pushed off the raft. Okay, all this friends are looking around being like, "I don't want to be next. I don't want to be next.
I don't want to be the one pushed off the raft into the water." So I'm going to save myself and buddy, I hate that you are drowning, but if it's me drowning,
Or you drowning, I'm going with you.
And I have seen kids who try their hand at me nests, you know, just say something kind
of cutting and I've seen kids of all generations do this, and just boys. And they suddenly discover like all the social power flows to them, everybody's scared of them now. And like, I've seen kids look at, for like a little bit of what's been drunk on power, almost by accident, and I'm like, "Isn't this thing?"
Like if I just say if you cut in comments here and there, like no one wants to be on my wrong side. So they get a taste of it and it feels really good and they keep doing it. If your kid has ever been iced out of a friend group or if you're watching it happen right now, this is a clip you need.
“In episode 71, my kid was dumped by her friends, how can I help?”
A mom wrote to us about her 15-year-old daughter who's been dropped by her entire friend group with no explanation. Lisa does two things here. She gives parents a framework for helping their kid take it less personally, and she helps us figure out what to say.
So one way I have helped kids out of situations like this is to help them take it less personally, help it feel less personal, right, because of course it feels intensely personal.
So the first thing a parent can do is to give the explanation I just gave.
You know what, honey, maybe they are really struggling to find ways to feel connected to each other and you have become the victim of their attempt to feel tight is to, you know,
“talk to you out. I think a friendship groups certainly middle school, early high school,”
but honestly reading it right now, early high school looks like middle school socially. I mean, it is really not. You're saying they're delayed because of not being in class and masks in all the way. Totally. Totally. I mean, we are seeing the kind of base bullying nastiness that we usually can check at the door by 7th or 8th grade is creeping well in tonight their 10th, which is its own misery and this child would be in the 10th grade
probably. So what you can say is, you know, think about social groups as almost like chemical compounds and every kid in the social group is an atom and they have their, you know, chemical compound, they come together. Some compounds are more stable than others. So you know that those friendship groups were like, everyone gets along and it's kind of happy and you know, they sort of click along and then there are friendship groups where
the friendship group wasn't all that stable. And let's say there were four other atoms in this group, right, besides this child. And they decided, oh, I know how to stabilize, let's kick out that atom and that will strengthen our bonds. We'll be this group of, you know, kids who come together around this, you know, strengthening bond of having kicked that atom out. So it can start to help us if we think about this girl who's been iced out
as like she's now a free floating atom. And it's in the name of that former friendship group trying to strengthen their bonds. The whole goal is to strengthen our bonds and to keep that atom out as a way of having, you know, an attempted stabilizing our chemical compound with
“stronger bonds. So that's a start on how to think about it. I think the gift that parents can”
give adolescents is the gift of perspective. So when you are a 15-year-old and you have been dumped by your friends, it really feels like the end of the world. Like it really feels like there's
no point to anything anymore. And that is a very powerful sense of just this is awful how to
I move forward. As a middle-aged parent, you know, this stinks. It's awful, but it will be a really yucky chapter in a very long book. We want to walk a very delicate line as adults in both validating how deeply upsetting this is for our kids or anything like this. And then saying I want you to know I am 100% confident that you will look back on this and it will be something that happened. It will not be the story that defines your life. Friends, it's finally here.
I am out in San Francisco at the Common Sense Media Summit on Kids and Families. And I'm here getting to share the stage with other parenting experts who I just love and respect. Now, you know as a listener to this podcast that we often talk about research coming out of Common Sense Media, they do such good work on family life and digital technology and how these come together. And this week, at the summit, they released their latest study, which is about AI
attitudes. And the study is full of really interesting insights. Like for example, kids and teens are far more likely than their parents to see AI as an asset to learning. Yet, at the same time, kids teens and parents all worry that AI tools could undermine creativity. To dive more into
This topic of AI attitudes and parents and kids, visit CommonSense.
perspective on this fast moving parenting issue.
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my tween to drop a bad friendship? Lisa talks us through what kids actually do when they want to
“leave a friendship. Why those instincts usually backfire? And what parents can suggest instead?”
As adults, we don't tend to have our friendships in these like elaborated networks. Like we have like this friend here in that friend there. Maybe a few times we've got a group of friends. But for kids, especially at school, all of this is happening in this complex web. And so if there's a kid that is a problem for you for any variety of reasons, it's not like you can just sort of like stop engaging with them because they are at your lunch table, right? Or they're invited
all the same stuff you're invited to. And so you know, this is a tough question that is very real. And I think so often as parents, when we hear about this, we're like, we'll just stop hanging out with her and they're like, oh, what did it were so easy? They don't want to be in the friendship anymore with the kid who's in their group. And so they start to align the entire group against that child. So it's to exercise the child while keeping all the other friends.
“I think that's often what happens when a kid is dropped unceremoniously from a group.”
Is it someone in the group was like, I feel done with this friendship, but I don't want to lose all these other kids in the bargain, so we're going to do a gang up. One of the things that I hear about a lot is where one kid feels done and the other kid continues to text and say, do you want to come over? Or can I come over? Or, you know, where there's a lot of asking and asking and direct, you know, like, let's get together. And I was, um, I've heard parents talk about like,
oh my gosh, it's sometimes feels like there's a kid with a stranglehold on my kid. You know,
like, that they're always reaching out. And my kid doesn't want it anymore. And my kid, you know,
is trying to not be mean and doesn't want to be harsh with this kid, but does not want to hang out, right? That can be really delicate. So if that's happening, I think one strategy that can help
“is to blame the parent. You have to be like, we're really busy tonight. I'm sorry. You know,”
in my mom's got something going on. I'm sorry. And answering, right, getting back to the kid and not necessarily promising. I'll call you when I'm free. What I often see kids do is they feel super awkward. They, you know, the kid who, you know, is wants the friendship, well, say, like, can you come over to my house or do you want to do something later? And what I've seen kids do for lack of a better strategy is they'll say, um, okay, sure. And then they'll cancel
at the last, yeah, right? Or they won't respond at all. And I've cared for the kid on the other side of that who's like, it's super weird. Like, I'm texting her and asking her over and she's not even replying. And yeah, I'm like, oh, like, I get that, but it's not really okay. So another strategy, I think that sometimes kids need is to say, oh, you know, we're really tied up. I'll let you know thing when I'm, when I've got some more time or something like that. And then leave
it open, but give an answer. But blaming parents can be really helpful here. And to close out the friendship break up side of things, here's a reframe. I really love from episode 156, is there a general way to drop a friend? Lisa reminds us that friendships having chapters is a normal part of life. And there's a way to move on that doesn't require drama or cruelty. It also doesn't make anyone the villain. What I think we need to say to our
Self as parents, and we can also say to our kids, is just because a friendshi...
ever, doesn't mean it was never good. But we all have chapters in our life. We're in a
you can point to chapters of friendships. People you were really close with and then you were less close
“with as different parts of your life unfolded. We need to remember that's true for us. That is true”
for our kids. It doesn't mean that kids are bad or mean or naughty or cruel. It's that these things evolve over time. One of the things that comes up in girl world, which I know pretty well, is this pressure to be authentic. And like, I'm not being, you know, I'm being too faced,
sometimes what you'll hear. If I'm nice to her, but don't want to include her on the weekends.
And I would say, I think we need to disappoint our kids of the idea that this is too faced. I think we're going to call it polite. And I think we know, like, honestly, we all do this as adults. Like, you and I have worked in settings with lots of other employees, some of whom make us bananas. Right? When they walk into the coffee room, we're not like, I won't speak to you because I don't find you pleasant. Right? Like, we're like, hey, how's your family? Right? I mean, like,
we keep it polite. And finally, a note for us parents, when our kid is hurting, our instinct is
to march in and fix it. As you'll hear in this next clip from episode 98, my friends, kids are
“excluding my kid. What should I do? Lisa shares a reminder. I think we all need, especially in those”
heated moments. We don't know very much about the complexities of kid social lives, even when we think we do. And when I picture, like, a seventh grade lunchroom, for me, the activity in that lunch lunchroom is happening in, like, 50 dimensions. And our kid comes home and tells us one or two dimensions. And any time we want to guide them or weigh in, or maybe make a phone call, we want to remember we are 48 dimensions short of understanding what was really going on in that
situation. And so our goal largely will be to ask questions, seek guidance, be open-minded.
“We very rarely have the whole story. And we never want to forget that. Having issues with your good”
friends is really a normal part of growing up. One of the headlines Lisa shares about this issue is that kids need to know that they don't have to have a humongous social network. What Lisa says they really need is one good friend, a caring adult. And the reassurance that what they're going through is just a normal part of life. If this compilation was helpful, here's how you can go deeper. Every full episode we pulled from today is linked below. So if a clip resonated, you can listen
to the whole conversation. And if you're new to Ask Lisa, we hope you'll take a look around. We've put out new episodes every week on Tuesdays. And we've covered everything from screen time and anxiety to college pressure and how to talk with your teens who won't talk back. Whatever you're navigating right now, there's a good chance we've done an episode on it. And next week we're going to have a special live episode with Common Sense Media. Lisa is going
to be in conversation with pediatrician and former surgeon general of California, Nadine Burkaris. I'll see you next week. Treatment, therapy, or other types of professional advice or intervention. If you have concerns about your child's well-being, consult a physician or mental health professional. If you're looking for additional resources, check out Lisa's website at [email protected]
