How to Stop Resenting Your Parents

You know, I love Sundays because they're just you and me, no distractions, no drama, just the girl's chatting about life, right? Which I guess can actually inevitably cause a little bit drama,

but we always aim to leave feeling a little bit better at the end of these episodes, right?

We dive in, we address things head-on, sometimes they can be uncomfortable, and then we lift ourselves right back up all on a Sunday. It's beautiful. So in the spirit of addressing things head-on, something, I always say we have to go back to, on call her daddy, is our childhood. Because like it or not, so much of who we are, how we love, how we react, how we fight, how we cope. It's deeply impacted by what happened to us when we were younger, right? I think we all

“know that. And the truth is, I think when you start actually reflecting on your past,”

it can be a total mixed bag, right? Sometimes it brings up really intense happiness and nostalgia,

but a lot of the time, it more so brings up a lot of hurt and confusion or just raw emotion that maybe you've kind of swept under the rug years ago and continued to kind of sweep under the rug. And it's almost like as we grow up and we step into adulthood, it feels like the fog starts to clear. We start looking at life with a completely different perspective and something that heavily influences us in a way that so similar to our childhood yet totally different,

because now you're an adult, with an adult brain, is our parents. Our relationship with our parents with them now, verse back then, how we feel about them when we look at them adult to adult now, how they showed up for us or how they completely failed to do that, what their presence or their absolute lack thereof has done to our nervous systems as adults today and also back in our childhood. And parents are a lot, this isn't, this isn't big boy, this is a big boy topic to take on,

because I feel like as an adult you suddenly realize, your parents aren't invincible super heroes who have it all figured out, right? They are flawed, they're traumatized, they're messy human beings, who made mistakes, will continue to make mistakes, but I will say knowing that logically, it doesn't automatically erase the damage. Like we can be like, no, no, I know, I know my, I know my parents are just some randoms that decide to have kids, but I'm still messed up and it's like,

“yeah, you know, that's actually so fair. Today, I want to talk about what I truly believe is the ultimate”

emotional mind, which is resenting your parents while desperately wanting to love and be close to them. How do we do that? Growing up, we're fed the Disney version of family where your parents are these perfect heroes, then you hit your 20s and your 30s and you go to therapy and you spend a lot of

money and you look back and you're like, wait a second, that was actually so messed up,

wait a second, oh my god, that is not, that is not okay, what happened to me, and suddenly you're kind of like trapped in this exhausting tug of war, right? And so on one hand, understandably, your angry and you resent the emotional neglect and the pressure and the projections or the boundaries that were constantly enforced on you as a kid, but on the other hand, it's like, you love them and they're your parents and you see them getting older and you remember the

good times and you just want them to get it. You want them to understand where you're coming from. You want that warm supportive relationship, but every single time it feels like you try, you then leave the conversation feeling drained and judged or just totally unseen.

“This tracking for anyone else, okay, perfect. And so yeah, the truth is,”

I think let's just call us baby spade, moving past childhood resentment is one of the hardest things that you will ever do because like I said, when your kid, your parents are your entire world, so you don't have context for life yet. And so when they fall short, whether that was, you know,

making you feel like a burden, any of it. You don't think when you're a child. Oh, that's just my mom. That's just my mom. She's projecting her unhealed trauma on me. Classic. Like, no, when we're children, we innately are like, what is what's going on? Something's wrong with me. It can't be my parent. Something must be wrong with me. And so you grow up and you go to therapy and you talk to your friends and their experiences and you rebukes on a concept, you experience relationships,

and you finally connect the dots and you start to realize like, oh, I was just a child

and they really failed me. And I think that realization brings up this like, under-sandable burning rage for a lot of us, right? You're angry, rightfully so, because suddenly you see all the ways that you were forced to, whether it was mature too early, or all of the emotional mess that you're still trying to untangle in your adult relationships today,

“you're like, oh, now I get why, and you're pissed off that you have to spend your 20s and”

your 30s paying some therapist, but maybe it's even that good to try to help you fix things that you weren't even the one who broke. You didn't break any of this. You're like, send the bill to John and Carla, okay, aka my parents, because they did me dirty. All of this issue that you're trying to unpack, therapist, lady, send it there. Send it down over to Idaho and you're like, "Here you go, here's the bill, parents." But obviously we can't do that. So what do we do?

We are human, and because we fundamentally, we crave our parents, and we want their love, and so we try to fix it in real time. And we think, okay, okay, I'm going to do it now. Oh my god, we guys, we're so going to start fresh, like those wounds. Oh, I don't feel them anymore. I'm going to do it. They're going to do it. It's perfect. We can have wine at dinner together. And so we hope that maybe, just maybe, you know, they've grown up too. And so we hope,

okay, they're going to step up now. They're going to take accountability and they're going to finally

be the warm supportive, safe parent that I always needed. Like now, now we can finally, we can

put this to bed, right? And so you get, you get excited. You're like, okay, and I remember this. Like, I'll talk to my friends about this. It's different for everyone. Like, sometimes this happens to you if you're in college and you're like, your parents are coming up on certain weekends. And you're like, oh, now I'm an adult with autonomy. You're not really in college, but it feels like it.

“And there's like, you're starting to feel that or it's right when you get out of college, right?”

And you're like, oh, I've got my own apartment. I'm living and like, they're coming into the city to see me. And so like, you feel like there's, it's almost like equal ground now. Like, I'm not a baby anymore. Like, these are two adults having an adult conversation at this restaurant. And so you take a chance. And you open up and you extend the olive branch. And you call them to share good news, or you bring up a painful memory, trying to get closure. And you're expecting them to be different.

Like, you are and say, you know, I am so sorry. I see how much that hurt you. And then the letdown happens. And more often than not, I think it's the letdown rather than like, oh my god, listen, some parents may actually be quite evolved and changed and like you're a lucky one, but for the most part, the letdown happens. And instead of accountability, you, you get gas lit.

And maybe it's your mother, your father. And they say, I never said that, Becky, I never said that.

Or they say you're being way too sensitive. Or they hit you with the, we did the best we could. You're so ungrateful. Or I guess worst of all, they just go complete defensive stone walling.

“Like, it never happened. Literally, they make you feel crazy. What are you actually talking about?”

And at that moment, that exact second is where you realize as an adult that they still fall short and they still can't give you what you need. And so it breaks your heart all over again. And it retraumatizes the exact same wound from when you were seven years old and we're back to square one.

on to this resentment when they keep proving to me that they haven't changed? But also, why can't they change? And so today, parent child dynamics, let's get into it.

“So I think the first dynamic to address in relationship to child, parent dynamic is”

when I was thinking about it, they're basically or generally two distinct paths people take when growing up with parents who ultimately fall short. Okay, so path A is you basically are someone who put your parents on a massive pedestal only to watch them fall off of it. Or path B is you

were someone who never respected your parents in the first place. And you saw right through them

from day one, baby. Okay, on the surface, these two adults, it looks probably completely opposite, right? Because you're like, oh, at one point, you thought your parents were great. I never thought mine were great. But underneath the hood of that, these two paths no matter which one you grow up with, they are suffering from the same exact fundamental wound, which is the deep aching void of not feeling unconditionally loved and supported or safe with the people who brought them into this

world, right? So I want to first kind of acknowledge and start with the people who held their parents on a pedestal at one point in their life. And I am not an in a field distant, right? You may be like,

“oh, let me just dust off those cobwebs, babe, because God damn, I think at one point it was”

a, that happened Alex, but it's been, it's been decades, honey. I get it. Again, it's been a long time.

But let's go, let's go back for a second, okay? If you were this kid, your parents at one point

could do no wrong. Maybe they were very charismatic. They were high achieving or maybe they just provided you a great lifestyle, right? Or maybe they were just, your absolute heroes. And you hung on to their every word and you just idolize them. Regardless, something eventually happened, right? Everyone is going to have a different situation, whether it's through a big betraying moment, like in fidelity happened in the dynamic with your parents or their substance abuse or a financial

mess or a slow realization that their love was conditional on basically you pleasing them. Something happened, there was a rupture. And when the pedestal falls, it feels disorienting. And it impacts your identity and it creates self-doubt. Because you just went from thinking these are the greatest people in the world that will protect you at all costs. And now you're like,

“wait a second, hold on. What is going on? And then your whole reality is shifted, right?”

Because your foundation was built on trusting their perfection. And so when they fall, your whole reality, it yes, collapses. And so you start asking yourself, okay, if they aren't who I thought they were, like, then who the fuck am I? And like how did it? And what? And now I'm a part of them and

they're opposed to like, how does this work? And you're constantly second guessing yourself

and your own intuition and you question your judgment in adulthood, right? And you then essentially you do go into a form of shock when this happens. And it may not be as extreme for some people. But to some degree, you're going to go into shock when you realize your parents aren't who you thought they were. And the transition from worshiping your parents to betrayal is going to cause significant grief. You don't just lose a parent, but you basically lose the blueprint of

your entire childhood. Everything you thought that was real has somewhat shifted. And then as you get older, you could possibly start hyper fixating on trying to fix them, right? I'm not saying that's for everyone, but some people may try, right? Because in your head, there may be some people that are like, oh my god, but like, I know how good it felt when things seemed right. I just want to get back to that. And so you spend a massive amount of your adult energy now trying to bargain and

push or rehabilitate them back onto that pedestal. So you can feel safe again, which also is so hard and therapy because then you also start to realize as a child, we don't see things completely clearly because our brains aren't fully developed. So then you're like, oh my god, even if you went back and you looked at the pedestal now through your adult vision, it usually isn't a pedestal.

so mighty and it looked so incredible. And it's like, no, it actually wasn't a pedestal. Like,

“it was a piece of shit on the ground. Then you were, you were reaching. But again, some people did”

have the pedestal, right? That's one dynamic. And then there may also be some people listening,

who would say, I never had the luxury of pedestal. I actually never even had the luxury of that

little rock you're talking about Alex. I never even had that. Never even got close to that. Even as a little kid, you basically from day one, maybe someone who just saw your parents' flaws and their instability, their selfishness or just their cruelty, right? Everyone has different degrees that they're coming out of from when they're listening to this today. And you never respected their authority because they never earned it. And so you might be someone who has chronic

cynicism and hyper independence. You're like, never in my life will they ever show up for me.

It's never going to happen. And you learned very early that relying on them was dangerous or just

pointless. And so then now fast forward as an adult, your default mode is, I don't need anyone. I'll do this myself and to missy as terrifying because letting someone in feels like opening myself up to guess what just be failed again because the first relationship that ever showed me love in my life was my parents and they completely let me down. So if my own parents can't be there for me, then why the hell would a romantic relationship will ever work out or other relationships work out,

right? Because you never felt a parent had your back. And so your nervous system spent, it's form of years on high alert. And so some people who experience that, you may suffer from

anxiety, you may have constant expectations that like, oh my god, the other shoe is always going

to drop. There's just no way that this can be sustained. And so naturally, this is a huge one. A lot of I feel like adults in this boat, they feel in moments they can feel like bad people

“because they feel emotional numbness or coldness or apathy towards their parents, right?”

You want to care more. You're like, I wish I could care. I really do, but the lack of foundational respect in general just makes the connection feel like any exhausting acting job. So these two very different, but somewhat similar experiences, regardless which experience you relate to, pedestal or not, they do both kind of conversion collide. And here is where that happens. Whether you use to worship your parents or you've looked down on them your whole life, the core

longing, I feel like between these two people is identical to some degree. Inside both of these people, both of these adults is a child standing in an empty room holding out their hands, waiting for a parent to say, I see you. I love you for who you are. I've got you and you are safe. And so the pedestal is grieving the loss of a safety that they thought they had, right? And the never respected the parents, adult, is grieving the loss of a safety that they never

got to experience. They're getting to look at their friends and all these people around them being

“like, that was what your things giving were like. And that's what your childhood was like never”

experience anything like it. But both people are carrying some capacity of the burden of just this like unrequited, natural biological need that we all have. You want your parents to love you. No one is like, I don't want my parents to love me. And so acknowledging that, acknowledging that your anger and your cynicism or your heartbreak, they all come from the exact place of just, we literally all just want to be loved. That's it. It's really quite simple. All of that goes into

this is very complicated, but it is really that simple. And I think it's a really, I don't know, I think it's a hard pill. We have to swallow like I said earlier that like all of this feels so heavy. And then we just have to accept that our parents are just random people who had kids. They're just these random 25 worlds who decided, yeah, let's have some kids and we're going to wing it. And then oh yeah, naturally, they just brought all of their unhealed childhood trauma into raising you.

What a great situation. And I think something that I have been talking about a lot with my friends

friends and everything. Realizing that it doesn't mean guys that like we have to just excuse everything that our parents did, right? Like it is okay to look back and be like the way that you spoke to me, it affected myself the steam or like you made me feel like I was only valued for my achievements. Like yeah, I get it. They're still humans and they have flaws, but like that doesn't take away from

“the fact of what they made you feel. I think the resentment kicks in because we're mourning the”

parents that we think we deserved to have. And we're doing this while we're trying to deal with these flawed human beings who are sitting there across one of the dinner and we're like, oh and this is what I actually got. I had this idea of this and then this is what I got handed. And as adults and I don't know if this is relatable for anyone but it is very relatable in my friend group and Matt and I talk about this a lot. It's like the hardest part is wanting your

parents to apologize or change and realizing they might never do it. So I want to talk about

how do you deal with this? How do we deal with that reality? Because then you're like, wait, oh my god. And I think I feel like we're at the age and like the demographic that watches and listen to this show that like that may be a for a lot of us right now where we're starting to be like, all right, got out of college was feeling like things were turning around or maybe you didn't think they were turning around. That's fine. And like you're at we're at this age maybe it's like

mid 20s, 30s, maybe you're in your 40s, maybe you're early 20s and we're like, all right, like, no, no, this is going to change. And then you're realizing like, okay, now there's been like so many different Christmas's and different holidays where like nothing has changed and we're all starting to the eyes are just getting wider and wider and wider and wider and we're really

“seeing 2020 here, okay? Let's say you haven't seen your parents in a couple months, right?”

And naturally that can leave you feeling guilty. You think, all right, it's going to be different. This time, I'm an adult. I can handle this and you genuinely probably want to see them and I think a lot of times distance with family, it gets you excited. You're excited to see them. You want to show

them love. You want to connect. You haven't had maybe a riff in a second so you're like, oh my

God, I'm excited. And so you walk through the door and within 45 seconds your mom makes a passive aggressive comment about your weight or your career or your relationship status or your dad brings up politics. And you immediately reverberate back to being a defensive angry 15-year-old and the worst is if they also still live in the same house that you grew up in. Oh my God, you're like, I actually have to get out of here. I can smell my old bed sheets. The creek and the floor is the

same and the bathroom where I left at 15 years. I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here. Like, I'm gonna lose my mind. And so you immediately want to leave early, right? You're like, nope. Nope. Oh my God. And maybe you did stay. There may be some crying in the car on the way home,

“depending how long you lasted. You probably lasted the whole dinner. Honestly, a lot of us do.”

It's really hard to sit boundaries and be like, peace and you're hating yourself. You're hating yourself or getting so upset over this and you're hating them for making you feel as way and you're also hating yourself for like, why am I letting it affect me this much? Like, oh my God, I thought I was walking in and I thought I could handle this dinner with my parents and somehow everything they said is triggering me and it's just, oh my God, I really, I believe

that it would be different. And it's not. I literally feel like I'm 15 again. I feel like it's just

this emotional roller coaster and it happens because we keep walking basically into the lion's

den expecting the lion to be like, now this like fluffy gorgeous house cat that we can just be like, oh my God, I love you now. It's like, no babe, she's still a lion or he's still a lion. Like, nothing has changed. But it's fair that you want, you want it to change. And again, of course, everyone's dynamic is going to be different. But you get the idea of what I'm saying, right? Like, this phenomenon of where it's like an adult child builds up a hopeful idealized version of an

upcoming interaction with their parents. So excited, only for the old dynamic patterns to play out. And on my, on my research grind, this is known in psychology as the false hope cycle or

can you guys help, I'm like, so deep in therapy right now? Basically, as adults, when we walk into

“these scenarios expecting a different outcome with our parents, but then we're met with the same”

old behaviors, whether again, it's rude comments or boundary violations or emotional coldness or even as extreme as abuse, the psychological and emotional impact is going to be so intense when this happens. You guys because we are so intensely disappointed when you mentally rehearse a positive interaction, your brain, it's like priming itself for safety and connection. It's going to be different this time. And so naturally you lower your defenses. You're going in like, oh, this is going to be good.

So then when your parent inevitably drops this passive aggressive comment or, you know, triggers

a sore spot, the sudden drop from the expected safety and enjoyable experience you were looking for to instead, just this like very familiar rejection, it is so triggering and it literally creates emotional shock. You're like, how am I here again? Oh my god, because you were actually trying to show up differently and they gave you something that you were convincing yourself they weren't going to give you this time. And so naturally the disappointment is, it just is magnified

because the contrast between that mental expectation and the reality. And I don't think you guys don't need to be hard on yourself. I've done this so many times. We shouldn't be hard on ourselves for having these expectations. You may be an adult, but you're still a child within this dynamic. You are going to see your parents. They are still the parents in the dynamic. They still quote unquote have the power, right, or some semblance of a power. And so of course you're going

to go in hoping and wanting. And unfortunately, we a lot of the times are just met with these like old wounds and it feels like we are regressing. Like that I feel like is maybe one of the most triggering things that's ever happened with me and a lot of times when I talk with about Matt or when we talk like I talk with my friends like that feeling of regressing that also bite so hard because if you are someone you're living on your own or you're living in a different city or

you live in the same place as your parents, but you're on your own, finally. Or maybe I'm

a little someone's listening in their in their 40s or their 50s or their 60s. It still happens where like you you you you spent your formative years under this person supervision. You are now an independent and you are now paying your own bills probably and you're doing all these things. And so to go back into a dynamic where you have changed so much you're not the little girl that is 16 anymore, right? Like you're so different. So how is this dynamic still stagnant? How has

nothing changed? I've changed and then you start to get annoyed too because you're like I interact with my bosses this way. I interact with my peers in this way. Like and I'm such an adult and then somehow they get me right where I feel like I have no autonomy, no say, no self respect,

“I have no voice and I'm like how did this happen? And I think it's so important for us to”

remember and to recognize that old wounds carry so much emotional memory. When a parent uses the same tone or phrase or judgment that they used when you were younger, your nervous system is going to bypass your rational adult brain that you've been so you've been working on that thing babe, you are pouring into yourself, right? It doesn't matter so quickly. It can just trigger that state of regression. And I feel like this is why it can also get so better on the holidays for a

lot of people, right? Like because you have your hopes up for a good interaction and you are even more obviously invested because we all want holiday joy. Okay we're all like come on Santa bring me around town and like we're looking at the movies and the aesthetic and the lights and the things and the carolers and you're like oh my god you just want to be like oh drop me right into that

“family perfect movie that like that's what you're expecting, right? And so the expectations are even”

higher around the holidays. And so even though you are a fully functional adult you suddenly feel like a defenseless eight year olds or maybe it's more of like an angry 15 year olds wherever your worst days work guys. Okay? And then just inevitably it leaves a lot of us as adults feeling really

Or shutting down and that adds another layer of self frustration. You get upset and as mad as you are

with your parents it's almost like yep typical them but shame on me for even thinking for a second

and believing that things were going to be different. The pain isn't just about the specific comment, right? It's not the thing they said in the moment. It's about what that comment represents. Every time a parent falls short of the ideal scenario we have us as adults are forced to confront the loss of the relationship that we wish that we had. It's like it triggers it's almost like a grieving process, right? We're grieving that we don't have the support of

validating parent. They just don't exist in your reality. And because you as an adult went into the situation with the explicit goal of having a smooth loving interaction, a common reaction to a bad dinner or a bad lunch or a bad meeting with your parents, it can be, it can literally feel like failure. And obviously not everyone will do this. Some people may but some people

“you're going to blame yourself. But I will say I think a lot of people end up leaving and slowly”

as they process things. Maybe I should have, I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have phrased it like that or maybe I, maybe if I didn't bring up that topic, then maybe they wouldn't have snapped. Or if I was just like a little different, maybe it would have been a different situation, they would have treated me a little bit better. Like that, if that's you in those dynamics, that dynamic just keeps you as an adult trapped in the loop of just trying harder next time, right?

You're hoping that altering just a little bit of your behavior is going to unlock a different response from your parent. Now, you may be on the complete opposite side where you're like, hell, fucking no, I do not do that. When they fail me time and time again, I, I'm over it. Like I literally hate these people. I don't want to acknowledge them, but then I do still somehow come back to them when they ask me to go to dinner next time. And so I'm just in this

“angry cycle. I think it's obvious that humans psychologically are wired to just seek safety”

invalidation from their parent. So this is like a very hard cycle to crack, even an adult hood, the attachment system drives people to just hope that this visit or this holiday or this phone call

will be the moment that the parent finally steps into the role of a safe comforting figure. And it's like

a lot of times it doesn't happen. And I think recognizing this pattern, it's usually the first step to breaking the cycle, which I want to talk about today. It's basically like we need to be shifting from wishing for how they should be to protecting your own piece based on who these people actually are. So let's talk about it. We need the survival guide to resenting our parents. Now that we've sat here and we have really

dug the knife and being like, this is trauma, this is frustrating. How do we actually now protect our piece while trying to maintain a relationship with our parents? From all the therapy that I've done

“from all the friends I've talked to from all the research, I think we got to just change our strategy.”

Okay. Hold on, let the pregnant lady just get her legs out. My child is really kicking right now. All right, here we go. Oh my god, that's actually like so terrifying being pregnant being like, okay, now you're not going to resent me. We're going to we're going to

do this better, okay? No, every parent there's going to be a problem with parent child. It's always

going to happen. I guess it is just to what degree we're hoping for not not not to traumatic you guys. Okay, we're trying to we're trying to correct some things. How do we change this? Are you listening? Now I'm like, oh my god, I hope this child's not listening to any of this. Comes out the womb. Like, what did you do to me? I'm like, oh my god, you listen to too many Colorado episodes. Shh, go to bed. I think step one is we need to stop auditioning our parents

validation from the person who's incapable of giving it to you. If your mom has never praised

“your career choice, she is not going to start today. So stop offering up your”

vulnerabilities to people who use them as ammunition, right? Keep the conversation light and safe and surface level. If that is what's going to protect your emotions and your heart. And is this excruciating and so hard? Yes and yes and yes, but again, our parents we have to remember are just random people too. They are just figuring it out. If you are trying and they keep letting you down at some point, you guys, we need to try to separate the hurt from the facts.

Does it hurt that our parents can't show up in these moments for us? Yes, but have they ever really shown up? Sometimes, but not really consistently. Okay, so no. So stop waiting for it. And I know that's sad. And it sucks. And the next annoying bit of advice that I will share when it comes to parents and maybe a lot of you have already done this is just like, you got to lower

“your expectations. And I think this is the hardest therapy concept that I've ever had to learn”

at which is radical acceptance. It basically means accepting reality as it is without trying to fight it. And I believe when it comes to the child parent dynamic, it is the hardest to ever achieve. Truly, right? Trying to accept that your parents love you to the best of their capacity,

even if their capacity is only 20 percent of what you actually need. That hurts so bad. And

that is not what I want to hear. That is not what you want to hear. But once you stop expecting them to be 100 percent, because they keep showing you that they can't be 100 percent, they can't even be 80, 70, 60, then you're going to stop getting disappointed when they just give you the 20 percent. You will eventually. I also think something that kind of plays into this and it's probably the hardest thing to ever do. Let's put this at the top of one of the hardest things to ever do in

interpersonal dynamics. Yeah, I bet this would go in the top like three is setting boundaries with your parents. What are the, what are the, what are the boundaries with parents? That's not even the thing, right? Oh, no, it is. All my adults listening, you learn. And sometimes it doesn't work. And you've been trying, you could be trying for a decade. You could be listening to this be like,

oh, babe, give me any tips because it's still not working. The reality is, again, hard to swallow,

you don't owe your family an entire weekend of your mental health. If you know that after two hours with your parents, the vibes go completely off the rails, then you only stay for two hours. Or maybe it's an hour and fifty give yourselves ten minutes to get to the car quick, okay? Give a buffer. And so you can just say to them, hey, guys, I love you. And I wanted to grab lunch, but I have to head out at 2 p.m. And so you can kind of like, you're starting to lightly put that

boundary in for yourself because you know where your triggers start. And if they start criticizing you on the phone for putting that in place of like, oh, we only get two hours. You can say, I love you, but I'm not going to stay on the line if you're going to speak to me like that. Like, let's talk tomorrow. And then you hang up, guys, I understand that probably sounds insane, setting boundaries with parents who consistently let you down. It is one of the most

taxing emotional projects that you will ever probably tackle as an adult. Because there's, oh, there's like rarely any reciprocity, right? People talk about like how hard a lot of things are in adult, but like this thing, you're just like, I am literally getting nothing back from this, and I'm just still getting punched in the face. But I do think something that we can control is, I think part of the difficulty when it comes to this topic of setting boundaries with parents,

usually stems from a fundamental just misunderstanding of what boundaries are, right? I think most people treat a boundary more as like a rule for someone else to follow. You are completely misunderstanding

“boundaries. If you think it means like a boundary is, you need to stop flaking on me, or you need”

to stop making passive aggressive comments towards me, and then expecting your parent to say,

saying these statements. I mean, also don't get me wrong. It would be so lovely if you were able

to say those things to your parents and your parents actually apologize and address the issue, because then we probably wouldn't need the boundaries, right? But if you are someone who is dealing with difficult dynamics when it comes to your parents, you probably have tried that already, and like I said earlier, it probably hasn't worked, and that either stone walled you or gaslit

“you or told you you're being too insensitive. And so I think where boundaries come into play with”

parents and our so-clutch is, with parents who pretty consistently fail you or trigger you, a boundary is not about controlling their behavior. It is a decision about what you will do

when they act just like themselves. That's it. It's not, it's your boundary. This is my boundary

right here. It's not theirs. It kind of honestly has nothing to do with them. It does, but like you're the one that is in full control actually. So if you think you're setting a boundary and you feel really out of control, then that's you're probably not setting the boundary correctly or you're not looking at the boundary right. If your parent repeatedly lets you down, making requests to that parent to please stop, don't do x, y, or z, it's get a stop working. Like you're not eventually

“going to get anywhere. And so you have to move to like action-based boundaries. So if this happens”

then I will do this, right? So it's like they can do whatever they want to do, but if they keep acting inappropriately, then you're going to do this. Here's an example. Maybe in the past you would request mom, please stop canceling on my kids at the last minute. It absolutely breaks their heart. So that relies on her just to completely change, which leaves her completely still in control, leaves you vulnerable when she's probably inevitably going to flake again and you have zero power.

So how do you change that and take an action with a boundary? That would look like, hey, mom, I am no longer telling the kids that you're coming over until you physically walk through the door because this protects my kids from emotional safety regarding whether you show up or not. I don't want them to be let down. So then the grandmother now or your mother now, we need to make the decision. Oh, so your life isn't going to be impacted. All she shows up or not,

your kids had no clue. And you're going about your day and you're going to be in your schedule. And if she chooses to come, then you will accommodate it. But you're not going to sit around and wait for this person. Another one that maybe used to do, let's say with your dad, is maybe you said

“to your dad, dad, you have to stop calling me just to complain about your life or to complain”

about mom for two straight hours. Like, I cannot do this anymore. And then it just keeps happening. And you're like, I don't know how to get up phone. What's happening? So taking an action with a boundary, you're going to now say to your father, hey, dad, I have 15 minutes to talk today before I have to go. If you guys are texting, like, oh, are you free? Yeah, I have 15 minutes before I have to go. And if the conversation turns into a negative rant, you can tell him, hey,

also, if this goes off the rails and you start talking negatively about mom again, I'm going to say go buy and I'm going to hang up. I don't want the conversation to go that way. I have 15 minutes. I would love to have a nice conversation with you. But then it's on you. So if he acts exactly

how he always acts and he's at that 10 minute mark and he's getting that edge and then he starts

pitching about your mother and it's getting inappropriate, you say, hey, dad, like I told you, I do not want to have this conversation. So I'm going to hang up now. Have a great rest of your day. And then you actually hang up and you're in full control. And he's left there being like, oh, well, and then all their left to do is, oh, I guess they did tell me they were going to do that if I did this, right? It's all on you. Now you can do all of this, but sadly, it's not guaranteed they're going to

respect the boundaries, like I just said, your dad can go and do that thing. And that's when it gets really hard, right? I think parents aren't used to be parented essentially by their child. They're not used to you setting the rules for them. And I will say, when a parent pushes back against a boundary, I think the most common trap from what I've learned from therapy is you end up trying to explain why you set the boundary. And to an overstepping

boundary, but your explanation, it just sounds like arguments that they can debate and dismantle. Like, don't do it. And so I know it's so tempting, but I'm telling you, do not explain yourself when you set a boundary. Don't defend why being like, I need to leave early because I have a big day

“tomorrow. So, no, no, no, you have to leave early, you're leaving early. And like, don't over explain”

the like, oh, the reason I don't want to discuss, you know, my weight is because it really triggers me, no, no, I don't want to discuss my weight. That's a boundary for me. Don't excuse it by being

like, I would never, you know, I would bring my kids over, you know, but the traffic is really bad,

like, making up nice cities to kind of cushion your boundary. A lot of them times, it can be lies, right? You're kind of like, a little white lie. Like, oh, the traffic, no, no, no, I can't bring my kids over today. You have to state the boundary once very clearly. And then you move straight to the consequences. Because again, anyone listening to this, like, we're dealing with people who cannot seem to have any respect for your time and your boundary. So, like, you got to get, it's hammer time,

baby, or it's never going to actually become a boundary. And so, maybe before this episode,

maybe you used to say, you know, mom, please don't comment on my relationship. It hurts my feelings,

and it makes me uncomfortable. And, you know, we talked about this. And I don't like when you do it. Well, now, because she keeps doing it. Now, the boundary you will say is, I won't be discussing my relationship today. And if it comes up again, I'm going to head home. Again, she can do whatever she wants, but you now will be removing yourself if she decides to act inappropriately. I obviously could do an entire episode on setting boundaries because it is, it is very,

very complicated. I'm still in therapy learning about it. It's really, really complicated boundaries and families are probably the hardest boundaries in relationships, boundaries in friendships, boundaries in work. Like, it is so exhausting because it is not an overnight solve. And a lot of people who cross your boundaries, you then start to feel bad by setting a boundary. And if you somehow are feeling bad about setting a boundary, you have to remember all these things are what are

happening to you. So you have the right to enforce the boundary. Because the bottom line is

enforcing a boundary, it's a two-step process. You state the line and then you execute the consequences and you try to do it without drama. And a lot of times the people on the other side are going to try to cause drama and you just keep it, nope, this is it. And it can become infuriating for the other

“party, honestly. And it can create a lot of fights in the very beginning and you have to stay strong.”

I think holding a boundary, it's one thing to set a boundary. I think therapists always say this, one thing to set a boundary to hold a boundary. You have to be a really strong person. Stopping the cycle of resentment and letting go of hatred towards your parents is not about is not about convincing yourself that what they did was okay. It's about freeing your own brain and your body from just carrying the toxic weight of just this ongoing war that like you literally

cannot win. Resenting someone means you constantly are measuring who they actually are against, who you want them to be and who you think you deserve them to be. And the gap between those two things is just literally where disappointment is going to live and anger and hatred, right?

“And I think the truth is hatred and just the intense resentment, it feels like a self-defense”

with our parents, right? It feels like that, but functionally, that just keeps you bound actually to your parents and this dynamic. The more anger you get, the more hatred you have. When you hate them for falling short, your emotional state is just going to keep being dictated by their behavior, giving them all the power. And I think you're going to experience so much relief when all of a sudden one day you can try to get to the point where you're like, oh, their flaws actually no longer

have power over me and it's not going to ruin my night or my afternoon or my lunch, whatever it is with them. A major hurdle to accepting parents is the fear that if it's almost like we are

we're almost letting them off the hook. And that's just not the truth, like understanding your parents limitations or anyone's for that matter, it's insight, it's not absolute. I think to stop

“presenting your parents, yes, you have to look at their story with an unbiased or as much of an unbiased”

lens as you can, right? Like what kind of an emotional environment were your parents raised in? What unhealed trauma do they have? Did they grow up in poverty? Did they have addiction in their family? Did they had addiction? What are all the dynamics that influence their childhood? And do they possess the self-awareness or the cognitive tools that are required to literally break

generational cycles? And the honest truth is for a lot of people the answer is

sadly probably going to be no. And when you realize that your parents are likely operating at the absolute limit of their emotional capacity, eventually their behavior stops feeling like a personal attack on you. And it starts looking like a reflection of just their own internal issues. And then you're like it's just kind of sad. Like they couldn't give you emotional wealth because, sorry if it's as cheesy because it's like

they were emotionally bankrupt. How are they going to fill you up, right? If they've got nothing,

“you did nothing wrong. So again, I think that like difference between like oh, if I give”

it, it's almost like you feel like you're giving too much empathy. If you're like well it's

because of their childhood, you didn't know understanding it is fine. And you're not letting them off the hook. You're also just accepting them for who they are. So you don't have to keep getting let down. And so I think it's okay to like mourn the fantasy because resentment is only going to be sustained. If you do have these unrealistic expectations, right? Every time you interact with your parents hoping today will be the day that they act like the wise and the passionate and the

validating parent, you're just going to reopen the wound. And so to accept them is to allow yourself to feel the sadness and the grief and the anger that you, yeah, you didn't get the love or the

safety or the support that you definitely deserved as a child. That's a fact. So hold the funeral,

hold the you mentally later rest the ideal fantasy version of your parents. That is what we're doing today. We're laying it to rest. Okay. I'm not saying your parents are dead. They're still here. You're just going to hold the funeral because the fantasy version it needs to go. You can also probably do this with friends, even. I promise you there's probably so many of your friends that are like, I, I will absolutely partake in this one because I promise you almost everyone goes through

this to some degree. And then once that funeral and your mourning has happened, you're like, all right, then you can actually move forward and interact only with the real human being in front of you, flaws, limitations and all, not the person who you wish they were. And I am not saying that it's not going to piss you off. They are going to be, it's going to be so annoying. You're like, you're still annoyed by them, but they don't have the power over you because you're not expecting them to show

up in the way that is still internally as a little kid you are hoping. You're like, oh, they're not

“capable. Okay. Let it go. At the end of the day, I think truly you have to recognize that holding”

resentment is literally like drinking poison into your body. It is entirely possible to say, I love my parents. I am grateful for the sacrifices they made and I am deeply hurt by how they treated me. Both truths can exist at the same exact time. You don't have to forgive and forget to move on. That's literally not, you don't have to do that. It's not a thing. Like, you just have to decide how much power you're going to let their opinions have over your life. Now, today, you're going to

do it now. You get to curate your life. You get to put the boundaries in place. They can't, they can't tell you to go to your room anymore. They can't tell you can't have the sleep over anymore. Like, you're now in control of your inner peace, which is actually such a nice, I hope way to end it. Remember, the beginning where I was like sometimes we get into the trenches and then we literally just like one, two, one, two, one, two, hit it, hit it, hit it and then boom, we leave on a high.

So much, I feel like of what I've been talking about in these Sunday sessions is like being the driver of your own life and not handing the keys over to someone and

out of whatever, then you're going to feel it more. It is going to be on you. And so now that

you're going to be more cognizant of like, oh, I do have the ability to basically remove the

of resentment for my parents. It actually is on me because they've just stayed stagnant for decades. And it's on me to somehow fix it. Once you realize that and then you keep not fixing it, it kind of becomes really hard to just be like, oh, it's a waste of energy to even be mad at them anymore. That's the obvious. That's the easiest. Yeah, they're idiots. They're over there. They're giving you nothing. So why are you still, it's like the definition of insanity is doing the thing

“over and over and over again and thinking you're going to get a different result, right?”

So I think there is power. It takes a lot of self-esteem work. It takes a lot of courage

and it takes a lot of honesty within ourselves to be like, are you ready to start living your life to the capacity where you are going to fully take the keys and be in charge and be in adult and own your shit and own when you mess up and own when things maybe are hard or painful, but the more you're in control of your life, the more that you're going to have a life of freedom. And so being constricted to like, oh my god, and my parents emotions in this and getting anxious

for holidays, I'm not saying the hurt won't be there, but it will impact you way less, everything in life, everything with friendships and dynamics and friends and romantic relationships.

“Like the more accountability you actually can take in life, I believe the more enjoyable life is.”

Being a victim of your circumstances, you're just like, oh, why did this keep happening me? Oh my god, why, they did this to me. No one can do anything to you. Yes, they did something to you, but how did you handle it? And then how did you come back from that? And again, I am speaking literally from experience. This is something clearly that I'm very passionate about because I think there's just a lot in life where it's like, you get dealt certain hands and how are you going

to handle it? Parents are one that we couldn't pick them guys, we couldn't pick them and how they impacted us, we also couldn't pick that. But now you can, you guys, I'm telling you, once you set

“that clear boundary with a parent and it's start, you, you are going to actually want to”

shut your pants, some of us, some may be better than others. And then the day that like you're like, you're crying to your partner, like, I can't, I can't, you just do it. And then there's a fight, but you hold your ground, your hold your ground, and a couple other times, you keep doing it, do it, and then when the boundary is just like in place, and it's there, and it almost just becomes, like, it's a part of your everyday life, and it's, oh my god, you're going to feel peace and bliss,

and guess what, you get to be proud of yourself. You did that. You stood up to the people who raised you, who you have all of these really, really complicated power dynamics with, and you were able to do that. If you can do that, you can literally do anything. I swear to God, you can do anything. It's so intimidating to have these, these dynamics with parents, and if you can fucking hold your ground on a boundary with a parent, girl, you're going far in life, you're going to run some

Fortune 500 company, and you're going to be sailing off into the distance. Okay, your parents are going to be begging you to call them. They're like, can we, can we get it on that? Can we, like, you're going to be fine? You're going to be fine, but the first step is just trying, and recognizing it.

Okay, daddy gang. That was a lot, and I hope that was helpful to some capacity. Always DM me,

or write in questions to the website, and let me know what you guys want me to talk about, and I will do my best to research and to bring my personal experiences to the table and talk things through with you guys. All right, you know the mother fucking drill. I will see fuckers on Wednesday. Goodbye.