Parenting Your Parents

I feel like it's kind of in a while,

“since we've been here and just chatted together,”

and so I'm really excited to have this space today, because there's something that my friends and I've been talking about a lot lately that I wanted to just kind of like open up and share with you guys because I'm assuming it is applicable to all of your lives as well. So I had a few girlfriends over last week for a little wine night,

and one of my close friends had just gotten back from a week long vacation with her family, so we were excited to hear her stories and have her just tell us all about it. But instead of coming back relaxed, beautiful, well-rested, excited to share the details, she was so absolutely exhausted. And as she started telling us about what happened

“and why she was emotionally drained from the trip,”

all of us just began like a aggressively nodding along to her story being like, "Absolutely, get we understand, we have been there, we understand, we've all gone through this."

So basically, my friend on this vacation had gone through her first experience of having to be

the parent to her own parents. And listen, back when you were a kid traveling with your parents, obviously your brain could probably just go on to autopilot, right? Like maybe your dad had the boarding passes, your mom had all the snacks planned, it was just you and your Harry Potter book, I can't see the world, and you didn't have to worry about a goddamn thing. You could literally go through the airport blindfolded and like you wouldn't, you would get there, you would get there,

you don't even know how you got there, but you got there because your parents led you there. But now maybe you get to the airport and your dad can't understand how the self-service baggage tagging ticket situation works, right? So then you end up taking over, it's all right, Dad, I got this one. And then your mom can't figure out how to download the airplane up on her phone, so you're like, "No, no, no, I got it. Don't worry, Mom, we got it."

And then maybe you land, right? You're in a new city and the process of finding the Uber pick-up

location is basically impossible for them. So then you're like, "Don't worry, guys, I will lead you to

the promise land. I got this." And then from there, figuring out the hotel logistics or the car rental or the dinner reservations or the tripite dinner, it basically just starts to fall all on you because you're just quicker and more capable than your parents. So now you're on this vacation, looking around of like, "What is going on?" And maybe you're starting to think to yourself, "How the fuck did my parents ever do all of this on their own?" Like, not only that, how did they do

this? All when they also had young children to navigate like, "How am I alive? How am I breathing to this day?" And I don't want to sound dramatic, but like, I get like technology at the airport and on trips, I understand it has changed a lot and it can be super confusing and overwhelming for anyone. But my friends and I came to the conclusion that it's not really about that because like, at some point there was a different form of technology at the airport that they also had to figure out,

right? Like, it's about the fact that now in certain settings, our parents, they just fully rely on us and it's not the other way around anymore.

“Look, when we're kids, our parents exist in this larger than life role in our lives, right?”

They're the people who just like know how to fix everything. They know where we're supposed to be and when we're supposed to be there and they calm us down when we're upset and they make our big winds and our big moments feel really special and they're just like essentially the one's holding up the entire structure of our lives, right? They keep everything together and because of that and because that dynamic is so like just natural and almost unspoken, I guess growing up,

I don't think we ever stop to consider the fact that our parents are not actually these static, ever solid figures. Like, it's a crazy concept, I know guys, but like, our parents are human beings. They are changing, evolving, ageing, learning new things or struggling through other things, right? All while we are focusing on our own growth.

to think about my parents as being these deeply complex people and constantly moving forward

in their own lives because in my head, like, I'm like, no, no, they're just mom and dad. They've just been mom and dad and it's like, no, like, they were babies at one point. They were children at one point. They got fucked up from their parents at some point too. They went to whether it was high school or college and fell in love multiple times. Like, they've lived the same similar lives or different lives than us, but they've done all the feelings and things that we've done.

“And I think it's hard to engage with the thoughts of like, oh my God, my parents inevitably”

are not just my parents. They're also individuals who aren't going to be here forever. They may not be here one day. And so as my friend was talking, I actually could just totally to relate to like what she was going through with her parents because I had actually really struggled through a very similar situation with my own. This happened a couple years back. And I think I kind of podcasted about this a little bit at one point. But over crib Smith, I was like really looking

forward to the time off with my family and getting a break from life. And I was also just very used to the holidays just being handled by my parents, which was something I appreciated more and more as my adult life got busier, right? I would whether it was I come, come home from college or whether I came back from the city. Like, I would just go home and then have the tree decorated. They'd have all of my childhood things in the room. I'm like, oh my God, they kept everything.

The meals are prepared. They have the gifts wrapped. Like, it was all just ready. And so my siblings and I could just pop in and enjoy the holidays. And it was like a prerequisite. Like, you're like, of course, my parents will have all of this ready. But that year we decided we weren't going to go home to Pennsylvania for Christmas. And somehow that turned into all of the holiday planning, like, kind of falling on me. And now also in hindsight, again, like, did it fall on me

or did I put it on myself because I felt like they weren't like in the same headspace anymore to put it together. I don't know. But I was the one finding us a house, finding our flights, booking our cars, planning the meals, doing the grocery shopping, making a schedule. And while I was capable of course of handling it, I was also extremely overwhelmed. And I felt like not once during that holiday was I ever able to fully relax or enjoy the time with my parents the way that I

used to. And it really ended up getting to me. And I started thinking back to how when I was a kid, I maybe took for granted the way that my parents had just had everything handled. And yeah,

“I guess that's what parents are supposed to do. But like, whether it was from soccer practice,”

to homework, to school lunches, to scheduling, I always had this layer of stability beneath me,

where I didn't have to think about everything all at once because there was someone who loved me that was just taking care of it. And that is, I would just also want to acknowledge, like, of course, that is not the case for everyone. So I do want to just super quick like disclaimer here that I can only speak obviously from my relationship with my parents and what I was able to experience growing up. I'm so fortunate that I had the experience I did if you grew up with an unstable family

dynamic or abuse or trauma. A lot of what I'm unpacking today may not relate to you in the same way, which I completely understand, but I do want to use today to talk about how foundationally destabilizing it can be to realize that your parents now need you more than you need them.

It's basically what I'm trying to say. Like, what the fuck? For me, confronting that over,

“I remember that Christmas holiday specifically. It felt like I was going through this massive”

identity shift because I wanted my parents to still be my parents. And I also knew I was probably the more capable one. And I didn't know how I felt about it. And I didn't feel like I could talk them about it. So then I just started handling things. And then I was kind of resentful. But then I was also like, they've done this my whole life. Like, I should step up, right? And I just remember, on that trip, I became really hyper fixated on the way everything was changing. Like,

change was so uncomfortable, right? Like, you're just like, what is happening? Your reality, all of a sudden, it just feels like it completely shifts. And all these little moments were making me extremely emotional, which is why I then like booked a therapy appointment immediately upon returning home because I was like, I need to tell my therapist, like, something is changing. And I need help. But it was one of the most existential therapy sessions I think I've had

for like a really long time because for better or for worse, my therapist told me that I was not catastrophizing any of this. She was like, from birth to death, our lives as humans revolve around dependence, independence, and interdependence. When we're born, we're completely dependent on

into independence while still maintaining our familial connection, right? So if we have a secure

attachment to our parents, then we naturally internalize the feeling that something solid exists above us. And that solidity becomes just like a part of your nervous system. You don't even question it. It's just been there since a very young age, right? And so then when aging begins to slowly chip away at this stability, it's actually an indication that a foundational shift is happening. The relationship is now interdependent on a much deeper level. I was like, okay, therapist, let me

write this down because hold on. Say that one more time. I mean, it really need to, I'm going to also need to tell this to the daddy. So I pulled my notes back up for this episode and I was like, what did she say to me again? But for me, that meant that I was now becoming the top layer of reliability in our family's structure. And I was like, wait, I don't know if I want this yet. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Like, how did this happen? And so if you think about it, that shift

might be, it may be great in some ways, right? Like, I think there is something great about stepping into a larger role in your family. It means that you are now fully capable of taking care of things. It means that my parents successfully did their job, right? I am now able to provide and protect and do all the things. But it also means a lot more responsibility was coming my way that I don't think anyone really warns you about. There's not this like literal passive of the torch.

It's like, all right, sweet. Like, that doesn't happen. It's just like this unsaid thing that just slowly shifts. And so you think about it and you're like, okay, you now need to be the one to make sure that they're going to their doctor appointments. And maybe it's not today, but like, it's coming where like, you're going to be the one that has to be on top of their health care.

“You need to be the one to fully set up the Wi-Fi or their phones or their TVs or their iPads or”

like whatever devices it is that they're overwhelmed by, right? You need to call them to check it on them because all of their friends, you know, maybe they moved to Florida. And so then they haven't had any humor and interaction in like three days. And you're like, you guys good. Like, I know some people watching maybe you only have one parent, right? And that person, you're like constantly worried about worried about worried about and you probably sit with yourself and you're like,

when did I start to be so worried about this person? Because when did the roles shift?

They always were just worried about me. And I was frolicking along and I was like, you know,

drinking at some club and waking up in a random man's fucking basement and Brooklyn being like, hey, and my mom was probably so worried. And I wasn't even thinking about my mom at that point, right? I was just hoping I had an orgasm. Like, you're not even thinking about your parents. And then all of a sudden one day, you're more stressed about their safety. They're well-being

“their health. And you're like, when did I know, even that my parents went to the doctor?”

Like, I didn't know my parents would be like, ah, I hate this. To realize that there are like no longer built-in structures for your life, there are only the structures that you choose to invest in moving forward, that so much of that stability when you were younger and that comfort and that, like, it also just can't exist. Your parents can't protect you in that way anymore, right? Like, they can't walk you into your job every day and make sure that everyone's being

nice to you. Like, when you were young and in kindergarten, they're like, let's have a after school conference with the parents and come together because your kid was bullying mine. They don't do that anymore. It's on you now. And again, that is the whole point of life that they got you to the point where you can then advocate for yourself. But it's fucking sucks because I still want my mom to make my doctor's appointments look. I know that I want to be independent

and I don't want to want my mom here, my daddy, but also I want them. You know, it's just, it's a little fucking mind fuck. And I remember, according to my therapist, this is very common for people in their early 30s to mid 40s to be facing. As we just like reach a state of full independence, our parents begin to exit their state of full independence. It's like, it's

basically like two escalators moving completely opposite directions. You're like, bye, mom and

dad. And they're like, bye, sweetie. And you're like, okay, we're basically swapping positions. And so as aging begins to impact our parents' physical health and their energy and their cognition, like, they step onto the escalator moving downward. Oh my god, that like is made me almost sad and want to cry. And then because like, it's so fucking sad that like that's the whole thing of life.

“And now they're getting older. And I think this often happens right when you are in one of the busiest,”

most generative phases of your own life, right? You're building a career, you're managing relationships,

harder when you're like on this high and then your parents are shifting so much. And you're like,

“wait, wait, wait, wait, stop. What are you doing? Why wait? No, I don't like this. And I think”

sometimes this change can be incredibly pronounced, right? Like, maybe a sudden accident or a life shift happens. And it alters your family circumstances. But I think more often, like, there really is no clear moment when the dynamic formally changes from what I was talking about with my friends. Like, none of us had that big, like, this happened so then this happened. It was just kind of like, when did this happen? Like, I can't really pinpoint it. Like, you're just slowly

realizing that you're existing in a different place in your family than you used to be. And your nervous system is trying to reconcile what the actual F is happening. So for me, when I was navigating this and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it, but I think my nervous system processed these just changes with, like, feelings of intense frustration. I found myself more frustrated and annoyed than ever with my parents as I saw them aging. And I know this was coming from my inner

child, just wanting to be that little kid again and wanting things to go back to the way that they used to be. But instead of sitting with that sadness, ultimately, and allowing it to just cycle through, I just got or actually irritated. And I know that probably sounds terrible because it's like not

“their fault. But I think it was like, when I was having a super hard day at work and I'm like,”

juggling my job and my relationship and my friendships and all this rest in my life, it would piss me off if my dad was calling me like asking me for help on something that like he used to be able to like, maybe figure out on his own and it just felt unnatural. And meanwhile, now I look back and I'm like, oh my god, like, no, that's actually so beautiful that my dad has helped me get to every place

I have gotten in life. And the fact that he's never had asked me for anything. Like my dad,

when I'm growing up, like he'd ever asked me like, can you help me like, I don't like never. And so the fact that he is now able to ask me for help because I am a capable human being that should be something that I can look at as a positive. But it was just too scary to me. So I was like, this is annoying and it's like it's not annoying. It's like a beautiful progression of me being an independent individual that now can actually support my father and I used to not be able to do that

and how great that I can now. But at the time I was like, dad, can't you just Google it and it's like, no, be there for him. And I think it's also just because I felt like there was already so much of my play and I just wanted to be there kid. That's where I was still in my head. Like I just want to be

“your kid again. And that's what I want. But that's just not the case, right? And so I remember this was”

like two years ago. I would be like a snippy and I would take it out on my dad or my mom because all the things in my life stressed me out. And what I really wasn't getting underneath is like, it's not that he's calling me and asking me for help. It was freaking me out that he was calling

me and asking me for help because that had never happened before. And I also, by the way, would

then like immediately like, this is this guilt then started to like really get underneath me and that was like a huge therapy session I had with my therapist where I was like, I don't like this. I'm feeling guilty. Why am I speaking to my parents this way? Like, they gave up their whole lives for me dedicated 31 years of raising me. And I can't make five minutes to explain something like, what the fuck is wrong with me? And it's this whiplash from guilt, to frustration, to sadness

and where it led for me was just then I remember going into like pure avoidance. I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to think about it. I just wanted my parents to stay constant and I wanted them to stay the same. And again, that is not reality. And that is why I went to therapy of my therapist. This is like, let's talk this through. I remember my therapist was like, all of this whiplash and frustration stems from something that she, I remember she called it Anticipatory

Grief, which I was like, I don't like that. I don't like that. What's that? I don't like that at all.

It's basically grieving someone before they're even gone simply because there is so much

internal stress and anxiety around losing them. That is just taking up your mental load. Which I was like, okay, that's enough for this session. I was like, and time. And she's like,

was coming up for me constantly. And I can't speak for any of you going through this. But when I

“reflect on this big kind of inflection point, I went through two years ago. We would be sitting”

around at a normal dinner. And I would suddenly get this deep, gutter-roll sadness realizing that this version of my parents was finite. And one day, they wouldn't be here at dinner with me. And it's these small moments that your brain can take and then just spiral into what's going to happen when they're gone. Like, is this last time that we're ever going to have these type of holidays together or how much longer do we have? Like, will I ever, you know, like, I hope my mom

and my father around for like, all of my kids when I have kids one day, right? Like, I would just get so overwhelmed. And my mind would then start racing ahead to these scenarios that hadn't happened. And probably wouldn't happen for a really long time. But this anxiety is just like my brains attempt to control what it can't actually control. And there is nothing more out of our control than our parents inevitable aging. And so luckily, my therapist didn't just let me end the therapy

session there. And I was like, bye, she's like sit down. I'm like, okay, this is why I pay the bit, bucks. My therapist shared that there was a way to gain some agency over this spiral. And I think you all know what I'm going to say, maybe not. It's kind of like a therapist answer

to every single problem we ever had. And it's really fucking hard to do. But the answer always

“is you need to have a conversation with your parents where you all acknowledge what is happening”

and talk about moving forward. And dad again, as much as it sucks to sit down with your parents and talk about the ways that they are aging. And so awkward. And also like, uncomfortable because you're like, wait a second. Although I do kind of feel like the parent in this dynamic, to acknowledge it, to my parents' face, how is that going to work? Because like, even though it feels this way, I don't want to acknowledge it's so, it's so awkward, but it is so important to do

it before I think life forces you. And trust me, it actually does help to have these conversations because so much of what you're feeling, you're then able to kind of like get a handle on the situation when you open it up to all of you. So you can be like, this is what's going on guys. It doesn't, it doesn't need to be some dramatic sit-down of like, we need to talk about how you're getting old, like sit-out dad. And you're like, what the fuck? Like, okay, thanks. Like, no,

it shouldn't be so, so intense because if you come in hot about how your parents aren't as young and as capable and as with it, like, they're just going to feel like shit or get defensive and be like, what are you talking about? These are grown adult who raised you and have been nothing but capable of taking care of you their entire lives. It is going to be uncomfortable for you all to address the shift, but it's needed. And so instead, my approach was to just start the

conversation from my own viewpoint of like, hey, I have been thinking a lot about my future, your guys future, and I just want to like talk about how you guys factor into it, have you guys thought about retirement? And what's that going to look like long-term? Like, do you guys have whether it's a will or do you, what do you have planned for the next X amount of years? And what do you need help

“within this next phase of life? I think it's just helpful to really keep it focused on how you can”

be there to best support them as they look ahead at their own futures and just emphasize that you're here to make this time feel easier and more comfortable for them. And obviously if they're in denial about the fact that things are starting to change, that's when you can start to mention some just like tangible examples of like, well, you know, like, I did notice that you forgot that appointment last week, dad or like, you know, I see the lawn hasn't been wowed in a while, like, could we find

someone to help come and handle that? Like, basically, gentle reminders of changes that don't

feel too daunting. Like, that's a good place to start. I would say the conversation. It also may help if you have siblings to call them or your partner or friends, search for this reinforcement, but like, when you get to, I just remember sitting down with my parents being like, guys, we all feel this shift in like the, the matriarch and the paycheck of the family and it's all changing and the siblings are now becoming the ones and the parents are not as like, let's just fucking talk

about it. And it took many conversations. Like, it wasn't just one and done. It was a lot, like, so much of this conversation is, is just like, first of all, the way you approach it. Like, again, not having a P2 heavy. Remember, you're not stepping in and taking over their lives. Like,

still have authority on autonomy over their lives. But you're just showing them that you want to support them and they don't need to hide their struggles, but you also want to put it out in the

open that the dynamic is shifting. That maybe you would never talk about their finances or their

living situation or their future plans in the past when you're in college or high school. But now you probably need to know these things because God forbid something happens to one of the other

“parents and you whatever it is. You need to be there to support them to some capacity. Again,”

everyone's situation is different. But I think that emotional support of like, I'm here. You can talk to me is important because, honestly, of course, our parents want to protect us. They want to shield us from all the shitty things in life, including their own problems. They haven't stopped being parents. It may feel that way to some of us, but they haven't. But it's now on us to open the door and say, hey, we don't need to avoid this. Let's move forward in a way that we all feel

good about. And so I guess the point of this is like, at the end of the day, parenting your parents

is actually a sign of really amazing reciprocity and one of the most important relationships that you

will have in your lifetime. The role reversal is painful to confront in the beginning, I think. But once you do acknowledge it, it really does make it helpful to mitigate some of the frustration

“that's probably been felt on both sides, right? Like, being open about this, I personally think”

and help you give back some of those moments where you do just want to be a kid again, which on my end has been really nice. I would say, once I was able to have this conversation about my parents are just like, I'm stressing out, you guys are getting older. The dynamic is shifting. I feel like I need to take on more responsibility. But once we got through that, it's almost like we needed to just put it out in the open that the dynamic had changed. And then since then,

what's so ironic is I now have kind of felt like I'm able to be a kid again with my parents, because I now am so excited to lean into the emotional aspect of our relationship. I feel like so much of growing up is logistics and your environment and protecting. How did I end up going to soccer all the time or whatever? And it's just like these things that I talked about the beginning of this, like that were these unsaid obvious things that my parents just

“provided. Now I think in this later half of their life, what I'm now tapping into is the complete”

opposite of what my childhood really was. Now I'm able to way more have the ability to front load on just the emotional dynamic with my parents. I go over to my parents' house and I just talked to them about how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. And that's it, right? Now that I'm kind of more in the supportive role on logistics and we've all put that out there and acknowledge that, it's been so beautiful to realign and being like now I just want to have my mom and dad

there for that emotional side, which has been really, really beautiful. I don't know. It's a weird turning point. And I think in terms of how you're going to show up for your parents going forward, like the range of things they're going to need help with is so wide. Every single person listening to this, your situation's going to be different. Maybe it's handling their taxes for them or finding a way to financially figure out whether it's a house cleaner for them. Maybe it's helping

them get doctors appointments or maybe it's just fully organizing an assisted living situation or you going over a couple times a month and helping organize their house for them or clean it. Like whatever it is, it's going to fluctuate as time goes on. It's going to fluctuate given, you know, your financial situation, your proximity to your parents, like there's so many dynamics. So the last thing that my therapist reminded me of is that you still need to protect your own

mental health first. Navigating the final chapters of someone's life alongside them is extremely

mentally taxing. And it's even more painful when it's someone you're so close to. When it's our parents, we can feel selfish or, I don't know, even shameful to not give them a hundred percent of every part of our time and energy because we feel like they did that for us growing up. And we might feel guilty that we're not able to be there for them around the clock. But in reality, this transitional time is only going to be healthy and good for everyone. If you're also

protecting your emotional bandwidth. So maybe that means dividing the labor more equally between you and your siblings. Maybe that means looking into a caregiver, maybe it's small and

that they call you all the time. Like whatever it is, you're entering the role of being more of a parent

“to your parents. But they're not the sole focus of your life and that's okay. You're allowed to”

put parameters in place to make sure that you don't become a full-time caregiver when you genuinely just don't have the time to. And I also want to acknowledge that the expectations on how to show up for your parents in this time of their lives, it can be really also rooted in culture or your family's background, right? You might not be in a situation where it's okay to be bringing outside help in. But that doesn't mean you can't still find ways to protect your own

mental health, right? Whether it's with your family or with work or with your friends, you

need to try to find some section of your life to set boundaries in. And that goes for everything,

not just with your parents, right? Because you can't just, you can't be crashing out being like, I'm giving everything to everyone and like, I have nothing left. No. In my opinion, setting boundaries really just means you're allowing yourself to be more present during the time that you have with your parents or with your partner, whoever, right? Because yes, there will be a day when you don't get their calls anymore. There will be a last holiday where you orchestrated everything.

There will be a last plane ride together. And I don't say that to be dark. I say that because

“when we allow ourselves to just fully accept it, I think it's really helpful when it comes to”

actually enjoying the current moment. I don't know what tomorrow or next week or next year with my parents is going to hold. But I do know now that whatever happens, we're going to communicate through it. And in the meantime, I can continue to show up as their daughter in the day to day. This stage of independence is actually, it's a really sweet spot in your relationship with your parents. You're both giving and you're receiving in different ways. And if you're able to be

open about that, then this stage can really just deepen that foundation instead of destabilizing it. But the first step is just acknowledging it. And I know that is an easy. There are days I still get overwhelmed. And I'm scared about what the future holds. But I also know that my parents have equipped me with the tools that I need to handle those changes head on. So we're all just like sitting being like, okay. There's a lot going on right now. Even if you're 30, 40, 50, 60, 100 years old,

you never stop being someone's child. And I also love it like Daddy King. We're all talking

about this right now. I don't know if anyone is thinking of having kids. I know I want to have kids. Like, then one day, I'm going to be the fucking woman, hopefully knock on what I last that long. That's like, can you help me with my taxes? And my kids are showing up. Like, that's just the cycle of life, right? The relationship that you share with your parents. It's so sacred and it's so complicated. And there's so, there's just so much to these dynamics. And even after they're gone,

even after you lose your parents or a parent, whatever it be, like, they pass on to us. But when we will pass on to our children one day and so forth and how we treat our friendships and all of it. So there's so much that's intertwined. And it's at the core of who we are is really what our relationship with our parents is and was. And it's going to continue to be. It's so formative to who we are is individuals. And so to not acknowledge your relationship with your parents and it's changing. Like,

we do this with friendships. We do this with relationships. So we have to do this with our parents too. Your relationship with your parents is not going to be stagnant for the rest of your life. As much as we may want it too, as much as we may want them to do our laundry and to cook us the chicken noodle soup and to create a loss until everything's going to be okay. I mean, they can still do some of that, but like I said, they can't walk you into work every day. And if they are with the girl,

“then you need to, you need to end the therapy, okay? Because we need to adjust. Okay, I feel like we should”

answer a couple of questions to like really wrap this up and maybe end on a little bit of a brighter happier note. You ready? Let's do it. Okay, question one. Alex, please help. My ex and I were close friends before we ever dated. And we share a huge mutual friend group at home. Our relationship ended last year, mostly because of timing. We were at different colleges and long distance just didn't end up working.

It wasn't some explosive breakup. He now plays hockey and is planning to go overseas in the fall. This summer, back in our hometown, might be the last time I could ever see him. I've accepted

situation. Here's my question. I want to write him a letter and give it to him this summer before he leaves. We have no contacts right now anyway, so part of me thinks why not. I know it might be

dumb, but I don't want to regret never telling him all my true feelings before he goes away.

This is some dear John type shit, okay? And this also sounds like Alex and College. Oh my god, I loved a letter. Oh, I loved a letter. I loved a letter because you know what is more manipulative. It was more for me to know that I was just going to ruin him. Like, oh, he's going to be so in love. Like, I needed him. I needed him to just like just chew on that. Like, ooh, chew on that, like linger on that buddy, like giving a man a letter. It just,

and even if he did like a baby threw it out in your head, you think like damn that's no book type shit. Like, ooh, that has weight. Let me tell you something. First of all, this man isn't dead, and he's not like going away to the army. Like, he's going to play hockey overseas. So when you're

worried you're never going to see this man again, he's probably going to get cut, right? He's

probably going to get cut. He's going to get homesick. He's going to come home. Also, there's Facebook Instagram, Twitter, DMs. Well, you like, FaceTime, you just FaceTime them. Like, you don't act like this is like, we're done. We're done. We're done. If it, like, you could contact him immediately. You could call him right now. But I get it. You're like, you're almost convincing yourself. Like, this is it. Like, him leaving the country is like the sign that like, it's over. So let it be over,

“right? Instead of like then writing this letter because what is the point of the letter?”

You telling him your feelings, you're no contact right now. It didn't work when you were long distance in the same country. It's definitely not going to work. Now that he's out of the country,

my fear is that you are romanticizing this thing and him leaving, you're convincing yourself that

what? If you write this letter, just write it to yourself and then don't give it to him. If you give it to him, what do you want out of it? Will it hurt more if you give him this letter and then he doesn't contact you after. You're like, dear, John, every time I see a rose, I think of you every time I walk through the street tonight with the twinkling stars. I think of you every time I have a brisk brew in the morning. I think of you every time I smell peppermint or reminds me of that

Christmas present and to the stars. Like, you're going, you're, and then he doesn't respond. You're going to be like, huh? Like, what do you, you know? So I think a lot of this, like, a lot of times, I think us as Gerley's, we want to, we want to get in there. We want to get underneath it. We want to, we want to get validated that he did love us, that he did care. He's gone. You know? And if he cared, he would be, he would be letting you know that he cared. And so my fear for you is you're just

going to get more hurt by writing this really, really, really intense letter. That is just going to leave you brokenhearted. Now, I'm having a hypocrite because I was someone who would write letters. Yes, yes, yes. So let's talk about the letter. Because you're going to write the letter, even if I tell you not to write the letter because even if I was back in college and I was listening to call her daddy, I would have written the letter. Do you know what I mean? So I think what the letter

means to say now that we've gone all the way backwards on what I just told you to not do. Now let's

“just write the letter, right? I think what you need to do is recognize what do you want out of this,”

right? Do you want him? How about this? He's in a different country. He thinks, oh, I'm going to get so much pussy. But it's not going to feel the same as home. I mean, this doesn't feel like that home grown pussy. So you got to remind him, like, I'm here. And I don't even really think that we're meant to be. But before you go, this is more for me. And you almost need to make it like go go, go go John. Like, of course, we're not together. But like, this is closure for myself.

So almost he gets on that Delta flight. And he's like, oh, fuck. And then you almost make him sick to a stomach that he's on that flight and that he's leaving. So every time he does, like, hook up with a new girl, he's like, oh, but he keeps it in his bedside drawer. Because he's like, ooh, it makes me feel cozy. It makes, she's, she's, I'm home sick for her. You need to make him kind of pine over you, but you need to let him know that you're not pining over him. So make sure

that the letter is not like, if only we could have worked out, it's more like hidden with all the fucking good ass times. And boom, boom, bomb, bomb. Maybe throwing a nude there and be like, oops,

“didn't need to put that in there. But then you're kind of like, I'm moving forward. And I think in a”

great way, like, you going to another country, like, this is such a good restart for both of us. And I just had to say this. So I could fully move forward and like start dating with like, no, you know, wait on my chest, like, by John, like, hope you score a few goals. And then he's going to be like, but, but Cassidy, I want to be deep in that person. You're like, oh, well, he better come back. If you want this, and then it will just reignite. You know what I mean? It was so fun to be toxic,

back hurts thinking about all the texting I was doing, like, carpal tunnel. You know what I mean?

But the letters I would write to a guy. I don't know if I ever told the story of the time where me and my like super super super super super toxic ex-boyfriend that I was like, madly in love with. I was like forbidden to see him for like so many different reasons. And I wrote him 365 letters and I left it on his doorstep before I left for college. Yeah, um, hi, Ali from the notebook. Yeah, I mean Rachel McAdams, I could have played the part because I, and let me tell you something.

I was in love with that man, but I more did it for myself because I thought this is so romantic. This is so epic. This is so epic. I bought a box. I put the 365 letters in there every day,

“wrote him a letter. I would actually murder myself if I wrap those letters now. What was I saying?”

I think I was honestly on tumblr, like looking up quotes and then they would be such a good tumblr quotes of like the heartache and the pain of not being able to be with the person you love. Oh my God, honestly, they probably were slay. Okay, I was like, I was good at writing, but when I think back to that time, I'm like, why was I doing that? I didn't even think he would read any of the letters. I think it was for myself. It was like cathartic. It was so, it was like artsy girl,

just like brooding in the corner, like wanting my man back. And you know, I guess I wouldn't take it back

at least, you know what? They always say like, don't put something in writing. I could deny it. Like,

that's not my handwriting. You know what I mean? A text is forever. A letter? Huh? You could always, you could always play it off like it was someone else. All me that totally wasn't me. That was someone else. He thanked it. So, write the letter. Yeah, I guess we're going all the way back to this. The more of the stories write the letter. Because it is so, it's so good. It's romantic, it's pathetic, it's everything. And we're alive once. And you're going to look back when

“they make, oh man, remember when he went overseas and I wrote him that fucking fuck ass letter?”

The only thing I would say, actually last note, and then we actually can move on, is you have to take a picture of the letter. Because when I tell you, no, this has to be our last question. This is just too good. When I tell you, when I look back, I think to myself of all the letters that I've written men, because 365 boy, he wasn't the only one that received a letter from a coupe. Okay, actually stop being the face, so cringe. I would say that it is so fun to go back and read your

fuck ass letters when you get older and your frontal lobe just like continues to develop and you just keep getting better. You look back at yourself and you're like, oh my god, sweetie. You were

so pathetic. I'm obsessed with you. Or you're like, you were so good. I could never. Like,

there are parts of myself when I read certain letters that I wrote. Oh, oh, I was like, that is great A type shit. I need to give this to someone to put into a movie. I found a box recently of letters that my exes wrote me, even fucking better. Oh my god, give him a return address. Put your address on there so he could maybe what if you guys start, oh my god, if he starts writing you letters, you are, oh my god, you're going to have a gold mine. Like, I'm telling you as a

30 when you're a woman who had so many different relationships and a lot of them were just not the healthiest. A lot of them were letter, you know, letter driven. It's so good. Because now, as a stable person, I read them and it's better than reality TV. I'm like, I can't believe this is real. Like, a man sat down, a professional athlete sat down when he was in like, wish constant for his game that night and before the game, he sat down pen to paper.

It says like the western or like whatever fucking like the myriad and he's like writing down like Alex. Alex. I got your letter. I know things have been tense. Being on the road,

“I wish you were my bed. Oh my god, you have to write this letter. Even if nothing comes of it,”

DM me and let's make a TV show out of this. We know hockey sells, right? Hockey boy leaves the country. You're rendezvousing it up. You're writing letters back and forth. There's like a little dressed in a little. You fly across and you meet him and he's with another woman and then you try to leave. But he pulls out the letter and says, remember when you told me I was a love of your life and you're like, but you're lying and then this whole thing. Oh my god,

and then you say, and you fuck his fucking coach and it's the whole, oh my god, you're so writing the letter. Oh, you're writing the letter. That is such a good way to end this episode. Oh my god, I need to go get my letters and we should read them on this fucking show. I get like five seasons. They're like, no. Oh, it's good. All right. Well that's it for this week's episode.

oh my god, like our parents are dying. This is like really depressing. Like they're on their way

“out. What are we going to do? And now I'm like, let's go write a rom-com. Dear John,”

things can change in an instant on a call her daddy. You know what I mean? Wow. I'm feeling

inspired. I'm going to go write a screenplay. Okay. Daddy gang, thank you so much for tuning in

“and prepare yourselves because we have a very, very, very interesting episode coming out this week.”

Some drama, some tea. Also, the Hannah Montana 20th anniversary special is dropping on this Tuesday.

So get ready. Get set. Please don't go. Okay, love you guys. I will see you on Wednesday. Bye. [Music]