"Right Person Wrong Time" is a Myth

I'm like do people know I'm even pregnant. So I'm like I'm trying to like lean into the bump But it's also hard to situate yourself in front of cameras while you have a bump. So it's just go with me here I will say pregnancy so far has been a lot of ups and downs. There are some incredible days and there are some really trying days

“I haven't slept so I think that just gives me a pass on whatever I say for the next few months like”

It's not me. I didn't realize so much about pregnancy and I'll be honest like in hindsight

I've had friends who are pregnant, but I've never

Explored and questioned the process and the ailments that come with it and the I just all the things Like I guess I've just never really asked and so now that I'm living it I am Really discovering a lot and so I didn't fully realize that you just don't you just don't sleep in pregnancy And I haven't seen a lot of women say oh, it's just preparing you for when you have a kid and like oh That's for amazing

But so yeah, you don't really sleep in your pregnant and as my bump has gotten larger and larger progressively What happens during the middle of the night you guys is it's it's a really big experience that you go through and you go through it alone So while my husband is doing like his light little snoring I don't want to just whack him in the face with the pillow and I do do that sometimes sometimes I will whack Matt

“He's like what what I'm like what what I pretend I'm like oh my god was that it goes to happen?”

Because I just wanted to like sit there with me and be awake You know what I mean poor Matt is like constantly getting jarred awake He falls asleep also in four minutes. He was looking at his he wears one of those

Health Google bands at night specifically and I have stopped wearing it for a second because I'm like

I don't want to see it right now. Maybe in a little bit, but like I can't see right now because they know it's gonna be so dark And Matt's last night said you fell asleep in four minutes Oh, okay divorce. Oh, okay divorce. I was like you you fell asleep before I The things I wish I four minutes. It's not even I mean I would love for any woman to tell me if you can fall asleep that easily, but I'm convinced that men just

He'll be in the middle of talking to me you guys and I'm like

“So yeah, so then I was thinking, you know, we should talk to Erica about and he's like”

And I'm like What you were just talking to he's I can do so Matt's having the time of his life being dead asleep. I

I'm moving and shaking so you're bump basically when you go from side to side

You don't just flip from side to side like you normally would when you're sleeping as you know a non-pregnant person This is this is heavy. Okay. This is heavy weight. And so I'm physically Having to be cognizant of my motions as I'm moving over because also I've had it a couple times where you can get a cramp or like currently My baby's foot is large like so high up here and so if I move too quickly and I flip over like I used to be a gymnast in the bedroom, okay? I would be dead asleep, but I'm just I'm like

I'm not only like the exercise where I'm flipping my body and I'm somehow on my right side And I'm still asleep now. It's like all right. Let me just let me just turn over here and it's like a big crane Okay, it's a big crane and I know to all my women who are like really about to give birth I know you're like oh girl. Just wait because this third trimester You're just gonna get even bigger bigger bigger I understand that but for right now

It already feels big so To get bigger is gonna be an adventure anyways So the sleeping situation is in great you pee at least two times in night for myself again my child's head What's still lovely? Again, it's just like preparing me for your parenthood is every single time. I've gone to my doctor. She's like oh my god

The head is still in the same location. I'm like oh, just say it. She's like right on the bladder I'm like boom I'm telling you guys this child's head has not moved off of my bladder this entire pregnancy So you already have so much pressure because it's kind of like compacts your bladder when you get pregnant But then to also have a head and a growing head

We'll just write there just sit and write here We're p and 24/7. It almost feels like a constant UTI because even after I pee I'm like do I have to pee again And it's like nope. That's just that's just your body So like there's things that I'm getting used to I will say let's pick out a positive You know not to freak everyone out the positives. I will say

It's it's not even out of body because it's obviously in my body, but it feels that way when you feel your child kicking and moving

I don't even know how to describe it you guys. I feel so In shock that I can feel now how big this child is and I can watch as This part of my belly bumps out and this part is moving. It looks like it's doing a summer assault And I'm like whoa whoa whoa whoa, so there's just like a lot of cool

“Fascinating parts. I think about the body my boobs keep getting bigger. Don't look. Okay”

I would think I'd be like thrilled that my boobs are getting bigger and just like more fuller But I'm just kind of like I don't know I would love to hear from other mothers and who are pregnant like Something about the boobs you go through a little phase where you're like okay This is kind of like looking good and then you're kind of like I don't even it's just a little it's a lot It's a lot so overall. I'm enjoying pregnancy. I'm I'm leaning in

But there is anxiety that comes with it because you just want this child to be healthy and you want to be healthy and Yeah, so that's what's going on

Okay, now to you guys, nothing about me. Okay, I hope you had such an incredible week

I hope you hydrated and I hope you are ready to get called out today

“Because in preparing for this episode, I realized I think that we need to talk about one of the biggest”

Most toxic lies. We have all collectively agreed to believe we are going to tackle the ultimate Relationship coping mechanism today, which is right person wrong time Everyone's already triggered. I know we are going there How many of you right now are sitting? Maybe you're in your car. You're walking on the treadmill

You're laying in bed. You're staring at the ceiling and you immediately when I said that you're thinking about that person, right? the one Who got away the one where you're like oh, if only we met three years later if only they didn't move to Chicago Go if only they were done with their F boy phase if only if only if only then it would have worked and it's like Guys, I hate to break it to you, but I I'm gonna give you some tough love today. Okay

We are basically going to completely tear this concept apart because I want to be clear

I used to be the queen of rationalizing bad situations with this exact phrase So you are not alone. I want to make you feel very very cozy and comfy when I say I am speaking from so much experience not just you know experience. I am speaking from lived experience But today and set of focusing on feelings. I do want to just I Want to look at the facts

Why do we say it? Why do we say right person wrong time? I think we say it because

“The truth is too painful to face. It's so much easier to just”

Blame the universe or a calendar or a zip code Then it is to admit the harsh reality. They just didn't want it enough or you didn't want it enough. That's it. That's the truth Like it or hate it. Those are the facts Because Be real with me here. Please think about it logically

When you are truly deeply madly in love with someone when you look at them and you think This is my person You do not let timing Be an issue and you don't let that stop you. You figure it out. You move them out and if someone tells you Guys someone tells you I love you so much you're perfect for me, but the timing is just wrong

Okay, what they are actually saying is I like you, but I like my current lifestyle or my current freedom or my current career more than I like the idea of being with you And I am choosing that over you Let the tears fall down and we go dreams. It's harsh. I get it. Okay. I get it But I have to acknowledge and we all have to acknowledge. That's their right. That is your right, right?

But we need to stop wrapping it up in this pretty little bow and calling it. Oh, there's just a tragedy of the universe

It's not Fate playing a trick on you daddy gang. It is a choice It is a cognizant decision that one human being is making these stars did not force this one to happen sadly like I know people including myself who are watching or like No, no, but like he is my soul mate

It's just he's focusing on his critter right now like that's it or like she's the one but like

“She's just kind of going through this phase girl. I love you, but we are just lying to ourselves and how long can you keep lying to yourself, right?”

so As I was thinking about Talking to about this. I was like, okay, okay, okay, so fair a lot of us do this, but why do we do this, right? I think that one reason we do this is

Kind of very obvious. It's protects our egos Right rejection. Let's be real. It is a very very brutal pill to swallow. It hurts way less to blame a construct like time than it does to admit hey, this person just doesn't want me enough to make it work And so we convinced ourselves. It's not me obviously. It's not me. It's the clock. It's time Spoiler bitch. It's not the clock. It is you actually another reason

We do this. I think we love a tragic movie plot We have been brainwashed by romantic comedies to believe that love needs to be this struggle. We think we You know, if we suffer through the wrong time the payoff will just be the most cinematic

Reunion of an experience. Let me just tell you something This was me to a tea to a tea with a previous relationship you guys if Anything the fact I feel like that we couldn't be together at the time It somehow made me like him more like like And now in hindsight, I'm like it almost made me like him more than if we were actually together. The idea was

Better than the reality and I somehow found it oddly extremely romantic that we just We couldn't be together. Just wasn't right time. Okay, but of course We're gonna come back together. It's just timing like obviously we're gonna reconnect

It's just we gotta just it never happened guys it never fucking happened. Okay, all those sleepless nights all the journaling

And you guys know I don't journal, but I journal the letters. I wrote it did nothing Okay, right person wrong type like we he never came back. It never end up working

“And so then I think the most important and obvious reason that we do this and we lie to ourselves is”

This one hurts, but it's really the truth It keeps the door open If it's just the wrong time you don't actually have to mourn the relationship and move on You get to basically keep them on this shelf in your mind Waiting for the right time to magically appear. It's basically a full coping mechanism for avoidance

If you don't have to fully face that it's over Babe, we can just still live in our delusion. It's not over. He's coming back around He's coming back around the merry-go-round. It's like baby that thing shut off years ago. Okay, and I think What's really important to acknowledge is that is a very dark psychological trap that we have to address Because what happens when you believe in right person wrong time

You essentially put your life on pause You can become a ghost in your own dating life, right you go out on a date with a perfectly great guy or girl And the entire time you're just comparing them to the right person who unfortunately It's currently living across the country or it's currently just finding themselves and you're just like holding this torch for a fantasy But it actually doesn't even exist anymore

“Because that's what right person wrong time usually is. It is a fantasy. You are in love with the potential of”

What could have been not the reality of what actually is in front of you the reality was that it didn't work out I remember

I remember all right, let's go back. I've kind of blocked these days out guys. So give me a second

But I do remember if I can recall correctly back in the day the guy that I did this with I can Vince to myself for

The stars just aligned

We're gonna be together. Okay. I was like, no, no

We got a couple pickups. There's like a couple little robumps. He's doing this. I'm doing this But we will be back together and I wasted so much emotional real estate on a guy who is simply not ready to commit to me And when someone shows you or tells you they aren't ready We have to believe them Don't try to rewrite their narrative into some romantic story that keeps you hung up even after it ends

You're lying to yourself you are romanticizing a Really not so romantic situation. Okay, and so I

Ask that please listen to me closely when I say

If someone is truly your right person The timing becomes a secondary factor and it kind of becomes a non-issue When people want to be with you, they don't give you a rain check. They don't say whoa You are the love of my life. I think we just need to pause and like let's revisit in three years Like let's revisit when my schedule clears up a little bit. Let's read every schedule when I'm a little bit of a different person like no no no

They figure it out. They move cities. They change schedules. They lose sleep. They make room for you If someone is letting you go because of timing What they are actually saying is you are not worth the inconvenience of adjusting my life right now

And I know it sounds harsh, but it is to some degree liberating if you can finally accept that you're all like speak for yourself

Okay speak for yourself Alex that feels horrible But I don't I don't want to hear any of that. I get it. I get it. College me would have also maybe turned this off by this point You're like la la la la Trust me. I get it and I really get it more than I wish so I'm not gonna leave you hanging obviously. We got it. We got to make ourselves feel better here, right?

Let's acknowledge how we break this cycle. Okay. How do we move on from the wrong time trap? When I think about it. If I could go back and give myself advice. It would be step one is You need to close the chapter

“You need to stop checking their Instagram stories stop checking their”

Spotify to see what sad songs they're listening to you are feeding the dilution. You not them you and you need to stop holding on To one day because that mentality is making it quite literally impossible for you to move on and You feel less guilty for checking in on them and stalking their social medias because again It's the right person. It's just the wrong time, right? Maybe maybe will be the right time soon and you convinced yourself so like I got to keep tabs

I got to keep tabs on them. How am I gonna know if it's the right time if I don't keep tabs and it's like no No slick you're you're being there like I see where you're going that, but no if you want to be real with yourself It's a hard fucking no then step two Step two after you are like okay I need to actually close that chapter

“You need to reframe the narrative in your head”

They weren't the right person at the wrong time They were the wrong person period because the right person is someone who is willing and Ready and capable of choosing you right now timing I mean, I think it it's obvious, but maybe we've convinced ourselves so much that it doesn't seem obvious But like guys timing is a part of the package deal of a person being the right person if they can't meet you where

You are then they're not your person period So when you say right person wrong time what it actually means is wrong person wrong You're seeing a little bit of like green yellow, and it's like no, it read Because the right person is the right time when you say Okay, here we go this is this this hopefully this will help hurt and help when you say to yourself

They just need to find themselves what it actually means is they don't want to be found with you Okay, and when you say we'll end up together eventually what it actually means is I am pausing my life for someone who is moving on with theirs

“Guys life is way too short to be waiting around in the waiting room of someone else's life and you're just like”

You ready yet you ready and most of the time these people are if if they've let it drag on this long

She's still there you deserve the person who looks at a chaotic

“Messy inconvenient timeline and says I don't care. We're making this work”

Stop romanticizing potential and start looking at reality if they wanted to they would if they aren't They aren't your person period close the chapter put on your hottest outfit and Go find someone who aligns with your present not this hypothetical future. We all deserve that Last thing I will say is I remember When I was dealing actually kind of with this like wrong right person wrong time in my head

shortly after I met Matt and so many things in my life and Matt's life did not Or shouldn't have worked at first I was living in New York. He was living in Los Angeles

Let's just start there. I have no interest in long distance relationships like I have never been a full long distance relationship

Kind of girl and every time I did it I just ended up feeling like oh, I don't want to be doing this and when I met Matt It was like oh my god I actually want to do this I will do long distance with this person I actually they don't really care and it was so unlike me, but it was like because I felt like this was actually the right person and He felt the same way our traveling schedules were so crazy and hectic and and he was on different time zones

Or he was traveling to different countries to make movies and he would stay up and it would be like 4 a.m. his time to make sure He got to talk to me in the morning or vice versa and like it was hard and in the beginning days It was a lot of work to like actually find a way to merge our lives and

Then when I did move out to Los Angeles, there was so much that also went into how different at first our lives were and we just kept

Working through it because We knew oh my god, you're the right person for me and so none of this logistically should stop us even if we're Getting some sleepless nights even if it's hard in the beginning even if it's like we're having to adjust I want to adjust certain things in my life so that we can make this work together And so then I was able to look back at a lot of the people that I thought like oh my god

Right person wrong time and I'm like One of them specifically you guys. I was really convinced He really oh my god. This really could be my person. I look back and I'm like oh my god I had painted this entire picture in my head that He was actually quite direct in a lot of moments, but I was hearing it in a way that I wanted to hear it

He was telling me that we couldn't you know fully date because of XYZ and I took that It's like he's actually caring about my feelings and he's giving me the heads up because he cares so much about me Guys, it's so crazy when you're front-to-lobs and fully developed even saying this out loud I'm like okay, this is embarrassing. I convinced myself like he's saying we can't be boyfriend girlfriend right now Because his schedule so crazy that like he doesn't want to commit and like hurt me

So like we should just stay in this like in between you know situation chip phase a bitch Then I meet Matt and he's like, I'm into you. I'm gonna make an effort We're gonna do this we're gonna do that. I like and I was like oh my god

“That's what this is supposed to feel like an actual person being direct and even when Matt would like not like something”

I did or like something like he would just would always tell me mean why I looked back and I was like

I got so good at like decoding. You know you know you really been through the ringer in your past relationships when you're like I am I I could Deep I it's like the Swifties we can look and there's Easter eggs and you're like I can put these pieces together But in a romantic relationship you shouldn't have to be like all right So on the 24th he did tell me this, but really I think he meant this so this kind of it's into this category

And this should make me feel it this way. It's like no stop trying to make this fantasy and this whole thing happen You're just literally concocting a big big lie in front of your face that you're just like Drinking the cool aid and the longer you do that you go down this really really dark path and so I hope today Anyone who is listening who is in my situation I wish I would have had someone who could have given me this advice when I was going through that because

Those tangibles I would have been like okay, maybe this is actually like completely my situation

“I know it's hard to hear that's what we do here on Colorado, okay?”

We talk about the hard things and have these things and then we try to make the hard things easier by talking it through Oh, maybe it's the glasses. You know, maybe it's the glasses today. They give me that little edge Okay, let's answer some questions of the mother fucking week

Question number one my friend wants to have her wedding in Greece next summer But we've already committed to another close friend's wedding in Italy that same summer It's the exact same friend group and we'd all be bridesmaids We've explained that two European weddings in one summer would be financially and logistically difficult and close to impossible But she says it's normal and that everyone has expenses

We suggested choosing a closer destination or spacing the weddings farther apart But she feels that's unfair. I know it's her wedding and her choice But I'm annoyed that she doesn't seem to care how much stress and expends this puts on the same group of friends thoughts I want to preface this before I answer this with I have been so fortunate that my friend group when it comes to weddings

somehow knock on wood we have not had any major issues when it comes to like logistics or animosity or resentment building And so when I answer this question, I am not speaking from experience

I'm going to be speaking in hypotheticals, but I do think is important because obviously I've never gone through something like this

But let me just let me just try to work this out with you for a minute my first thought is Whenever I've posted about weddings or you know bachelor rats there's such a Huge issue when it comes down to everyone's personal opinion of how much they are willing to spend how much They're comfortable spending understandably and also just like etiquette that goes into it

“If you line up 10 people on the street every single person is probably going to have a different answer of how you should”

Handle this situation. So I want to be very mindful. Okay. I'm not getting canceled over no opinion on Agree sweating. That isn't mine. Okay. This is hypothetical everyone calm down two Europe trips in one summer is So financially straining it is psychotic when it comes to taking off work It is logistically hard if any of these people have kids like I don't know a lot of people that go to Europe twice in a summer

So this is a lot. So I'm acknowledging that this is a lot that this person is asking a view What sucks is how close you all are you're going to be a bridesmaid in this? I would say that God it is a little bit on you. You feel like yeah, of course you have to go But how you go I don't know and I literally think what sucks is it seems like this bride is kind of

unwilling to have a conversation about the reality of the situation and she's kind of like you kind of have to suck it up

“But what if you can't what if you literally can't afford this?”

I think that's what's hard about these Destination weddings is in my opinion

Okay, sumi I think that if you have a destination wedding you are basically acknowledging that you're okay

If a bunch of people don't come Don't shoot me, but I do think that's the case because to expect people to travel and the finances again And all the logistics that go into that dynamic it is a lot to ask of someone and so I do think that like half of the people I also talk to you they're like oh, we're doing it there because we're hoping no like half of the list doesn't end up coming and you hear people say that right So I do think there needs to be some on its conversation. I would be interested to see if you could bring your friend group together and all having on its conversation about like what what is everyone doing and

Who knows maybe impacts like do you do something a little less with the grease trip so that you can also spread it out to the Italy trip I have no idea

“But I think you need to talk to your friends about it because obviously each of you is going to be in a different financial situation”

But it seems like you all have this big group where like one person making a road decision It's going to alienate them and so I think getting on the same page with your friends and if the bride is unwilling to talk about it With you find leave her out of it for now But get all the bridesmaid together and be like guys literally what are we doing and that's where I think this kind of stuff like literally ends friendships Right I've had so many people right in being like oh, yeah

I never I don't even speak to my bridesmaids anymore. I'm like oh my god, what happened? I think that

Emotions get really heightened and the bride sees things completely different than the bridesmaids and I'm not saying one is is acting better than the other But this kind of brings out like the worst in people and I will say it sucks, but like Everyone has a lot of weddings and then when you're the person that it's your wedding You expect them to show up at 100% capacity and they're best selves, but it's like baby I have seven other weddings this summer and I think sometimes brides forget that and I'm not saying that's their ish

European wedding and it's not where you could pop over. It's like you have to come back to the states wait a little bit go back to your up I don't know if you can be that mad if some people don't show up

Please don't get it mad at me. I'm just I never said any of that and again

Guys pregnancy brain come on pregnancy brain pregnancy brain okay Next oh my god Guys these ones I didn't pick this week. I had someone else picked them so like I'm gonna get slammed again. Okay Is it rude to turn down a brides made invitation? How funny that like on the controversial Richter scale

Brides made in weddings I just can feel it in my bones. I'm like a tread lightly tread lightly. It's very sensitive topic Is it wrong to turn down a brides made invitation an old friend from college Asked me to be in her bridal party, but we're not close at all anymore, and I barely even know her fiance

She's plenty of other friends, so I'm honestly confused why she even invited me. Okay. I think I can handle this one a little bit easier

I think that Listen

“everyone in life is going to have different opinions on”

friends and nostalgia and You know the connection that they have to whether it's high school or college or whatever it be and so you may not think that you're that's close And she knows you're maybe not that close, but it may for her be more of like a oh She was that such a big pivotal time in my life and let's keep it real She may need to be filled no slots. You know like they may be like we want to do seven and seven and she's up to six and she's like who else could I get to?

be in that row of oh Jamie Jamie would be Jamie will so show up and so I actually do think that you can pass on this But I don't think you need to be honest We're not liars here on call or daddy, but I do think sometimes you can omit parts of the truth when you're letting a friend That you're not close to down to not make it a bigger issue, okay? I think that you could just say hey girl

I am so happy for you I can't wait for you to have such a I imagine the wedding is gonna be gorgeous Unfortunately, I have a prior family commitment that we could also say like oh my god I'm sorry is this bad but you could be like I'm so sorry like I actually have already committed to a family wedding that weekend So I won't be able to make it but like I love you and please like send me your wedding registry and like sending you all the good vibes

I think you can totally

“Respectfully pass on the brides made thing without passing like hey guys I mean guys unless I would love to hear if people would actually want you to be honest because I think that's”

Ice Cotic hey girl Jamie here we haven't really talked in a while so I was kind of thrown off that you asked me to be a brides made And I'm gonna be honest. I don't think we're close enough I don't even really know your fiance so like I don't really think it's appropriate for me to go I'm dear wedding I mean yeah, you could be that type of person

I'm not kidding. I would not do that. I'm not gonna do that because that's just gonna hurt her feelings You know let her down easy she's got enough to deal with She's gotta go fill that seven slot baby Okay next high father. I need some help I got lunch with a good friend. I haven't seen in a while and she began to completely slandering another friend of mine over some drama

It felt like she was looking for validation but I honestly thought she was overreacting and found the whole thing super uncomfortable

“I think she could tell and now she wants to talk and”

Am I supposed to automatically take a friend side when they're beefing with someone else? I know Fabulous inquiry so

Here's the thing about women

Men like sports We like drama We like pop culture. We like drama. We like a little bit of gossip here and there and so When you go to a lunch and maybe maybe you Went to this lunch and Becky was just on her shit. She's feeling herself and she's like I need to vent

I think what happened sometimes is Clearly she was looking to vent and it was coming off a way to aggressive and she wasn't reading the room And she kind of went into a blackout rage. It's classic. We've all been there So I think when a woman needs to get something off her chest sometimes we we can't read the room and I think with her clearly She went and spiraling a little bit and thought that you could be a

Companion and in that moment you were like actually you're putting me in a really difficult position What I really respect about you and it seems like you did is like you didn't just jump in and you didn't just start immediately Gossiping with them because those are my least favorite kind of people where If you're in the room with one person you're just a yes man and you're just like oh my god Totally they're so annoying and then you go see that person later and you're completely fake and nice to them

Just indulge it rather than like have a backbone and stand there ground and even if it's just being quiet

“That's being a good friend and sometimes I think it's lost on people”

So I love that you didn't engage I she's following up because she's a feeling it was making you uncomfortable I do think just being really honest with her can't hurt. I think you can just say listen I Definitely felt a little uncomfortable and I don't mean in a way that like I was you know wanting to leave the Brunge, but I just felt like it was a lot

I just didn't really know how to act being in the middle of it because I'm on really good terms with her and I have a great relationship with her So I feel like I'm kind of not the right person to be talking with this about

If she freaks out that's like on her and she's immature and she needs to figure that out

But I do think this is a classic like the girls are being they're looking for you know the neutral party To like sway and bring on their side and I think you hold your ground because instead of get it having just way left or right You actually don't need to be a part of this and that is something that I think that it takes a while to learn that You know, I feel like none of us knew that in high school, right high school you were like Oh, you're either on Taylor side or you're either on Francine side and

Very no in between you team Taylor or you team Francine and it and there's no gray area because maturity and honesty and Boundaries they don't exist back then but then we build that muscle a little bit and I have a lot of respect for people when you build that muscle if you can maintain it and Do it in a way that's very mature. So could as to you you're on the right path. Okay next You

Father I need some help. I love my boyfriend so much and would never cheat on him

But the other night I was out with friends and ended up talking to a guy I used to be really flirty with we talked for hours and even though I mentioned my boyfriend throughout the conversation I know I enjoyed the attention a little more than I should have I woke up feeling so guilty Even though I technically didn't do anything wrong is that a sign that I crossed a line how do you know the difference? Okay, so

There's a couple dynamics here that I would like to point out I think that It's human nature to you know be out and you're like oh my god this person's giving me so it's Much attention if you are feeling like you're not getting in your relationship Right like I'm trying to think of myself if I was out and a guy was giving me attention I would just immediately be like I'm so not interested in this because like I'm I'm completely fulfilled in my

Relationship with my husband so I would be like immediately shutting that down and I'm not I'm not making you feel bad

“I'm just acknowledging for you that like form in my opinion that's what this is”

You're craving that attention because something is missing in your relationship Because otherwise it would just feel it just wouldn't hit like if a man was giving me attention I'd literally be like do you see my right like I don't need I don't need it even if I didn't have a ring And I was still in a relationship and we were dating like Matt and I like I just wouldn't entertain it because I'm like I don't need this I'm fulfilled I get a tattoo you have to recognize within yourself that

Yes, you leaned in I don't think you're a bad person It just really is exposing something within your relationship You also saying I woke up feeling so guilty and I feel like I crossed a line for me that means that like Maybe you really do love your boyfriend it was almost just like You felt like that night such a thrill you were like oh my god

I felt hot. I felt wanted. I felt desired. I felt pursued and I think a lot of times Woman or man when you're not getting that in your relationship if you get it You know a night out a little bit of flirting no physical connection happens You you feel alive again, but unfortunately that is really a negative sign It's a negative sign because it's either like the romantic relationship then your end is not fulfilling you enough

And so you're having to seek it from other people and if you felt guilty The option is number one you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend not telling him about this night, okay? I don't think you did anything to the point where you need to you know disclose this to him

“But you need to approach the issue and you need to handle the issue so you don't keep doing that and I think approaching the issue is”

Whatever the issue is for you right maybe You guys don't really have sex anymore or maybe you are lacking kind of that intimacy not section the actual sex acts

It become you know just kind of partners in life

“I think a lot of times when couples move in together things can get very”

Hard to spice up if they aren't making concerted efforts and so sometimes you almost become like best friends And you're like where do we lose our way like he used to court me and I used to Surprise him with things when he would come home and so like the effort has dwindled and you're clearly feeling that And so the attention is feeling so Invigorating you're feeling so alive

But you clearly want that from your boyfriend so put the effort there in Whether you need to put date nights on the books or whether you do need to put on a cute outfit and you guys need to reconnect and You need to feel good about yourself or you need to plan a date where you both meet from work

So like you don't go together and you look for him in the bar and you spot him and whatever it is

You don't have phones at dinner. You actually can it like I can't tell you what's missing in your relationship I'm obviously coming up with a bunch of ideas where I'm guessing but I think this is really common sadly for a lot of people in a lot of relationships and They look for external validation and They don't pause to just recognize and maybe they's internally like subconsciously

They know it's because they're not getting it from their partner But instead of trying to do anything about it

“They just go get it somewhere else and that's what leads to I feel like all these people cheating, right?”

You hear all the men like well, you know She doesn't fuck me anymore, so I went and it's like fuck off like that's not an excuse to ever cheat Like did you bring this up to her? Have you had conversations? Have you gone to couples therapy? Have you worked on things people are so Lazy and people are so quick to just Jump to the next thing because it's easier it feels like and guess what if you got into a

Relationship with this person and you broke up with your boyfriend? I'm telling you The same thing is probably gonna happen Because I'm it does take two to tango like if you're not putting the effort in with your boyfriend and I'm not fully blaming you I'm just saying it's gonna happen again another relationship and how are you gonna solve that? You need to put that amount of effort and more into your relationship and it's a quick easy fix at a bar

And a night out and you know you're flirting and all the things But then life happens, right people are it's so crazy how like Distracted we can all get by like the little shiny thing and it's so temporary because real relationships are built on Hard conversations and merging your lives and the reality of life Work finances family dynamics and so when you're out at the bar none of that exists

It's just physical attraction. It's just this. Oh my gosh, you're hot. I'm hot. I'm feeling this And then you wake up the next day and if you actually wanted a relationship with that person then you're gonna have to go through all the Trudging of the mud that you've gotten through with your other with your current partner And so you've done hard work and clearly you like this person

“So actually I think it's so easy the easiest part is to regain that little spark. Oh, I need more attention”

I want to feel sexy. I want to do the easy the you've done the hard work now just Pour into the relationship right in a way that makes you feel seen in him feel seen. All right, let's do one more My close friends all moved across the country together where I stayed in the city where we originally lived after college Whenever I visit I feel pressure to justify my decision to stay by talking about how great my life here is still Because they talk about how much happier they are now in that other place. How do I stop seeking validation for choice? I know was right for me

Oh, this is like so relatable and annoying because I feel like When you're on the same page as your friends in college, it's just the best feeling like you're going to the dining hall together And you're going to the parties together and everything is just so I mean at the time it doesn't feel easy, but you look back and you're like oh my god, it was so easy, right? It was so easy We all had similar schedules and we had similar

interests and we just did everything together and then when you leave college, it feels so disorienting how that foundation almost immediately Disappears and crumbles and everyone starts to go their own directions and it's kind of really depressing in a way

You're like oh my god, we were all joking about how you know It's going to be so fun to get out of here and start our lives and although it is in some way nice to start my life I miss that comfort, I miss that familiarity and so the fact that you have stayed in the place that you guys all went to college

You're still in your familiar bubble, but you're growing and you're loving it and that's amazing and then having left

I think something that makes your situation a little different maybe than others of just like oh I moved to this city and they moved that city is like

Like I'm an adult and I'm sure that they feel Like when they're associating any conversation they're having about the city you guys went to school in

“They're thinking about themselves in college and I think that you have to separate that for yourself”

We're like they're not shitting on You know, oh my god, I'm so much happier now that I live in Denver instead of Boston oh my god Boston like I was just like oh my god

I could have never stayed there. We might like I literally still live here

I think what they're trying to probably say is it's more about themselves because let's be real Everyone only fucking cares about themselves and so they're really having a self-reflective moment of like I'm so much happier in Denver now Because they're in it and they're comparing college them Understandably what they're not being thoughtful about is like you're like hey guys So I still live here and then you're having to overcompromise and almost prove yourself like but I've grown too

Just because I've stayed in the same location. I've grown too. What it comes down to with friends in this moment is It feels like a rat race when you get out of college. It feels like you're all in the same line And it starts a little bit in college where like who got the internship or like who did get the job out of college? Like it slowly begins, right?

But then the minute and there's a couple people little head right before you get out of college because like they've got some jobs

Secured or they've got this or that or maybe they have family money So they've got the apartment and you still have get up to a little bit home with your parents whatever It's a little bit of this and the minute college is over Everyone starts looking to their left and right to compare like well, we she got the job and then I didn't get the job And I'm still living with them and you're all in this comparison game and it doesn't feel that overt right

It doesn't feel that contentious But it's there because you're just looking lightly left to right you're on social media You're checking in and so understandably you're doing that with your friends right now and because of group of them have left You're feeling like it's like 5v1

“I think what you have to start to do when you see that group of friends is”

Have confidence that you know who you are and that you made the right decision for yourself

And I almost would test you to be like next time you're with that group and they bring up how how much happier They are that they're not in Boston or wherever it is you actually Don't then match it with a yeah, no, but like I've just been like Boston has been like did it just don't answer Just say I'm so happy for you I'm so happy for you that you have found this place that is making you feel so fulfilled and happy and then when they ask you how are you doing?

Then you can share and be honest. I'm really happy. I am shocked that I'm still so fulfilled in Boston I found such different areas since college and I did it up, but don't preemptively almost like word vomit to defend yourself And I think that goes past obviously this dynamic that's like obviously very specific Anyone when you're dealing with a friend group the constant comparison almost can have you and neatly Jumping to prove yourself and then you leave and you're like, oh, I didn't really like that version of myself like why was I being so like

Try hard and like convincing them who I am and that I'm feeling good about myself It kind of has nothing to do with them. It's it's you're clearly feeling a little insecure so Work on that and then all of a sudden you won't care Because the best feeling is when you are so secure and you don't care that you're like oh my god girl

I know I'm so happy I say it in Boston and I know you literally hated it. I fucking love it and it doesn't it doesn't bother you So anyone in friend dynamics stop the need your creation to defend or to prove Stop yourself and I think you'll start to find that they actually aren't really pressing half the time It's you that's trying to engage. They don't really care that's the that's the most Like eye opening

Experience you just continue to Have as you progress in life and you get older and you have more experience is like no one cares No one cares I was gonna say about you It's like that's not true, but like kind of like let me say it and then take it back

No one cares about you no one really gives a shit what you're doing no one actually gives a fuck They're everyone's focused on themselves. Yes, they care about you because you're their friend, but they don't actually care if you stay in Boston or you move to Denver It would have been more convenient for them if you live in Denver for sure, but they're like okay, well she's still in Boston like

“They don't actually care and so you have to start to try to like let yourself go of all these people's opinions on your own life”

At the end of the day you have to live with yourself the longest out of anyone in this world That's the real facts. You're with you till the end whenever that end is okay, and so to try

You're gonna spend your whole life constantly

And then people are living like oh, I like forget what did you do and you might like I spent so much energy making sure that they saw me in that moment They didn't care and when you start to realize that that amount of energy back into yourself It's so much

“Better life is just sweeter and easier and more enjoyable and then you can just enjoy and then it also prevents you when you do”

Have assholes around you that kind of can see bin or try to make jab comments to make you feel insecure Because they're insecure instead of making a snarky comment back you literally are just like oh Okay, what do you want to get for dinner like you literally don't care and that is freedom When you just kind of like relinquish all of the expectations and though all the bullshit Of comparison and projection and you're literally like I fucking loved my life

“I love myself. I'm focused on myself, and I'm not focused on it anyone else thinks about me”

Nor am I really focused on what anyone else is doing other than if they're my friend and I'm they're gonna support them But I still also don't really care what they're doing as long as they're happy the same goes for you Stop treating your friends like their word is God your word is God. What do you want what makes you happy? So I hope that was an uplifting little Sermon from your father I had such a lovely time this Sunday session. I

Am excited for oh we have we have some good inner views coming up you guys We have some really good episodes and I also have some really good Sunday session ideas I hope you guys are liking these you know like hit you with a little truth at the beginning something I've been thinking about something I've been chewing on you know and then boom get into questions of the week

But obviously I always want your guys opinions

So please write in if there's anything you want me to talk about on these episodes if there's anything that you have been struggling with that You're like you use a little girl talk on this one Alex and then also obviously always write in questions

“I think a lot of times the questions in a beautiful way”

They can be very specific but there's always like a broader theme that does relate to so many women who are watching this

So I appreciate everyone obviously all of your questions are always anonymous all the names that I'm making up out of the top of my head

You know they're fake So your secret is safe with me. All right daddy gang. I love you so much. I will see you spuckers next Wednesday. Goodbye you