Robby Hoffman: Hot Takes & Falling in Love

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy. [MUSIC] Robin Hoffman, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thanks for having me. I'm so happy you're here, thrilled.

I mean, you are an eminominated actress and comedian. In my opinion, you're one of the funniest people in the industry right now. Thank you, I appreciate that.

“How do you feel when people read your bio and like accolades to you?”

Do you like it? I feel great when I hear about myself. I'm extremely proud of myself. And I think it's probably something that comes from the self-raising of it all. I don't know.

I just feel like, I think when you don't know, when your parents on that involved in the raising of you and you depend on yourself a lot for the coer, you know, the raising. I kind of look at myself and I go, my God, I'm really proud of you. Well done.

Like it was, you know, so first of all, not many people are reading my bio back to me, but if they did and it's in a positive light, I say thank you. Keep it coming.

Like what am I gonna, it's amazing.

I feel like, you can kind of tell a lot about a person by how they react when people sing them happy birthday. All right. What are you doing? What are you doing when people are like, here we go?

Happy birthday. You know, I get a lot of attention. Okay. Nature of what I do. I'm an entertainer.

I do stand up comedy. I act and I write and I'm in the public and my relationship gets the attention. So I do like and like things like that. I'm happy to give other people the attention, especially like weddings and like gab and I eloped.

We do very small wedding, but in my family, I like partaking in their weddings and really celebrating them because it's like they have more quiet. They are not as accoladed. Not for any reason. It's just not what they do.

For instance, my sister's a social worker. She doesn't, you know, she's not like getting articles. And so when she has a wedding, I'm like thrilled to throw that on. So the happy birthday. I feel like I get enough.

That's why our wedding being small. It's like we're going to have the whole family fly out. We get a ton of praise all the time. And so where we can pull back, we do.

“If you had to say though, what is the most attention or thing you've ever done?”

I mean, I was like class clown.

I think I was always, I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to, you know,

steer or finesse that energy. You know, I kind of wanted whatever attention. I got in trouble a lot. You know, I got kicked out of class and things like that. And then now that I've harnessed it, like I do have attention.

But it's in a very sophisticated harnessed way now. Versus it was free for all until I figured it all out. Yeah, free for all Horish. Like, like, okay, like, Hor? Yeah, I gave tons of hand jobs.

Is that what you're getting to? Color daddy? Like a ninth grade? Like what? What do you mean, Hor?

Okay, yeah. I gave what? I gave a couple of tugs. It wasn't much. I didn't know about Louvre.

They were very dry. And the customers seemed happy. I never had a problem.

Hand jobs are just never a good experience, right?

I mean, no, no. I've given six blow jobs. Six? I know, it's a lot. It's very generous.

Six. I've given six. I like that number for you. Yeah, yeah. Two guys, six.

Two guys. Yeah, like one kind of four one two. One I really tried again. But I said, you know what? I'm really not in the mood.

I said, I don't think so. He had hair on the bottom of the shaft. I just, I couldn't get it together. Well, I never even went all the way down the shaft. I just, I, and he was like, I'll get rid of it.

And I said, just forget it. Just forget it. It was brutal. Yeah. I can't imagine being down there in that moment.

You're just like, contemplating your whole fucking life. Yeah. Is that the kind of horror you're asking about? Oddly no. I'm back to the get.

I'm going through. I love jobs. I'm going through. Class clown is a good answer. Okay.

You're, you're hitting it hard. So being a stand-up comedian at some point.

“You're obviously going to interact with your audience, right?”

What are some unhinged things that the crowd has ever said to you, done to you? This is just going to show them insane. What? And I know that people have said this before.

I don't experience any of what you're about to ask. The heckling or the this, my audience is in it to win it with me. I can't even tell you the vibe and the energy.

maybe I don't come off of approachable if they did say something to me.

“I don't think they think it would go well.”

But I don't invite that sort of back and forth. And my audience just comes to church. So we're together. We are in it together. And I just don't experience that sort of thing.

And I know that sounds like whatever whatever. But it's just literally, I can't believe the energy of my audience. I mean, that's incredibly. Like people, like I remember when it wasn't like my show, like when I used to do. Just whatever shows around the city.

I remember I did a show in Canada where some guy on a bachelorette took his dick out or something. But there were things like that that happened in general audiences. But I'm telling you when they come for me. It's like we, the sermon has begun. The phones are out.

Everybody is just. They've taken a deep breath and we're just together for an hour and a half. Literally. Literally. Literally.

It feels that way. And I feel for people who deal with this sort of thing.

But it's just never been.

It's and I keep it that way. By the way, keep it that way. No, keep it that way for sure. But I, yeah, when you just said that earlier, they'll like. Do you think there's also an intimidation thing?

Yeah, there's no way they'd win that. Oh, right.

“So I think it's like, if somebody, I mean, if somebody sneezes in my eye.”

I say, bless you. You know, like there's nothing I'm not going to, you know. Can we all say bless you, everyone's bless you. Yeah. You know, like people are like, so it's like, you know, I don't know.

I'm not challenging anyone, you know, at the same time. But someone challenges you. I would, you know, give them the attention. Oh, this person needs attention. Let's all.

I'm sorry you're sad. What happened. And let's work through it together. Is there anything else you'd like to say? And okay.

Is that what you're like in an argument? Explain. Like if someone is arguing with you, do you take the temperature down? No. Make it okay.

Okay. No, okay. I don't know.

I have never taken the temperature down.

Unfortunately. That's another thing that I don't really relate to. But arguing is an interesting question to me. Because I, I mean, to me. It's a complaint is to enjoy to argue is to speak occasionally,

depending on what culture I'm in and the culture is I've grown up in. Like you're going in at the dinner table. Yeah, but so is everyone else I know there. Keep in mind. I'm, you know, I have nine siblings who are a lot like me.

I, you know, I'm friends with similar comedians and this sort of thing. So we're all like that. Now if I went to a Normie dinner. You know, I'm actually really pulled back at something like that. I might still be the craziest person there.

But for me, that is like you don't even know. If I was just with comics or just with my, forget it. We're all going and he said, but she said, okay. So we're going to see, you know, so we like an argument. I like this.

Yeah, I love an argument. Oh, I love an argument. Before you got into comedy, yeah. You were pursuing a career as an accountant. Correct.

You know, that's a pretty big pivot. A comedian, a accountant. What happened there? What happened is is comedy, really. I really wouldn't wish this happening to anyone.

But yeah, I grew up again more. You know, you're going to, my violin comes out. My violin is only getting bigger. I think being poor is just so criminal and it's so bad that I'm not over it. Like people want me to be over it.

I'm not over missing the bus 15 minutes if 15 years ago. Like I'm not over. Like, I'm not over anything. You know what I mean? I'm not over spectrum going from 39, 99,

and I'm on to 79, 99, and then you want me to get over my chat. Like, there's things I'm just not over. But not everybody my family went to school. So when I got to go to school, I was like, what's the least amount of school for the most pay off?

And they were like, you can get a job this summer and accounting or finance with an internship. And that's exactly what I did. I said, say no more, where do I sign up?

“And I, and I, you know, and that's what I did.”

And then when I started to have money every two weeks,

direct deposit, I considered miraculous and amazing.

That's when I started really like to sleep for the first time and to really like, I know people think I'm anxious now. This is, I'm actually quite calm. This is, you know, I used to be far more anxious. She'd be back then, isn't it?

I can't see. Okay, then from there. Yeah. You go to McDonald's. Well, back to McDonald's. Teenage years. Yeah, I always had jobs. During school, during all this, these are simultaneous.

How would you describe yourself as an employee? Herendous, but joyful.

I only wanted to work the till, the cash. But I was Alex. I was hitting them orders in. It was crazy.

“And so, you know, but we had a good time.”

Yeah, and, and, and, and, and like it's, you know, I really, I was, uh, eating McDonald's every day when I worked there and it was amazing. Were you ever employed the month? Like, no, we did do well.

I don't know, I was actually really good during lunch rush and stuff like that. Maybe because of how I grew up, I'm used to where rush. So we, I was very good and, uh, we did get pins. Yeah, I got a pin.

The only reason I earned that pin, actually, is we randomly had a uniform spot check. Like, our manager, our floor manager decided to do this check. Maybe the owner was coming in. I can't remember.

And so everybody had to lift their pants. And, um, if you were wearing black socks, which I happened to be wearing for no reason, I didn't even, I don't even know, but me and my friend were wearing black socks. And you're not allowed to wear black socks?

No, you have to be wearing black socks. Oh, you had to be. So we got the pin for hygiene or whatever it was. Why do black socks mean hot the time? At the time, it was part of the uniform.

McDonald's famously changes their uniforms all the time. Um, but we had like, Jean on Friday, you could wear jeans.

“But do anything that would be white socks you can see, what's going on?”

Black hides. I have no clue.

We never even knew of this rule.

It just maybe he had extra pins like to this day. And there was no, the pin didn't come with it. I don't remember the pin. Other than we got the pin, we were thrilled. And we were killing it.

It worked. There's nothing to say. Wow. Okay. So you were never like the personality higher. You did the job. Both. I was definitely a personality higher, too. Yeah.

Can you give me a little and tell? I think you've seen a little too close up there. Maybe don't get that. Well, you know, I wasn't McDonald's. They had like fun.

Like they were going through a sub phase. Oh, like they had their own identity crisis. Let people like they were like trying to do subs at one point. Thank God those are gone. Um, I hear the filial fish is good.

Um, I don't go near it, which is a lesbian is shocking. Um, but people who like it, that is their go-to. That's their go-to. That is their go-to. Okay.

All right. I've never tried it.

Maybe I'll try it. Maybe we'll try it. I don't know. Is it true that in the early days of your career, you got your script for comedy in front of network,

executives by impersonating careers, claiming that you have a delivery to make? Yes. It was only one. You know, I wrote a script. Um, when I discovered Stan,

this relates to your earlier question, I was like, and then I thought I could be good at it, and I was. Now most people who see Stan, but I think they can be good at it.

They can't. I happen to be. It's like nine or ten times it's not going to be the case for you if you're watching this and I apologize. But for me, it was, and it was like devastating.

Because it's like now I have to pursue this thing. I had a moral dilemma. Like I have the opportunity to make to have a good job. Like to make more than, you know, just as an accountant, I was making 30, 2,500 a year,

Canadian my first year at 22 years old,

which was, nobody was really even salored, right? Already making more than obviously my mother or whatever, and then I'm going to pursue the arts. Like the thing, it just, it was very difficult to think,

but I knew I was good at it. And I, because I was winning, like I gave it six months. I said, if six months nothing is doing phenomenal. KPMG gave me a laptop for keeps. We are killing it.

Like they couldn't be nicer to me. I wasn't the best auditor, but I was invited on the audits that were, you know, out of state and stuff because just the travel. I'm good on a plane.

Let's have, you know, let's play on the movie. But, yeah, it was a real moral dilemma. It was a moral dilemma for me.

“Like, and so that's why I gave myself that six months.”

Like if six months nothing is doing. Okay, you have a great job. You get paid every two weeks. This is wonderful. And during that six months I was doing my extensive and competing.

I did open my competitions. I was submitting to festivals. And it was all, I was getting approved. So there were benchmarks. There were ways to know that you were good at it.

And trust me, if I wasn't good at it, I would have stopped. I do not want to be traipsing around this scene. Like many that we see. And there's no awareness. And if you don't have self-awareness,

take it from others after a certain point. You know, there are comics who get up there and they say, you know, I've been bombing for six years. And they talk about it on podcast and they're bombing.

No, okay. But to that extent, maybe it isn't free of no worries. You gotta go.

No worries, but I could never be me.

You're too self-aware. No, and if I'm not, I don't even trust that. I thought I was good, but I'm not going by me. I'm then going to say, okay, I'm going to enter that competition. I'm going to enter this.

I'm going to do that. Is everybody on my page? Right? Because I know that I come with a certain amount of delusion. I think I'm great.

For sure, but I could be wrong. I've been wrong. I'm million times. I'm wrong about so many things. So this was no different.

I wasn't going to trust that I'm 100% right on this. I felt a ping in my stomach that I probably have to do this. I'm probably good at it. But there was still a hope that I wasn't good at it. And I wouldn't have to do it.

What do you think you are like percentage-wise delusion to self-aware? Probably both. Split down the middle. Because delusion is free delusion and dreams. Like when people ask me what I do, I don't put a limit on my dreams.

It's like it's free. It's like taking soap from the hotel. It's like just to take it who cares. You've already paid for it. Like dreams is like, I'm not charged to think of living on the beach.

“So just if you want to live on the beach, dream about that.”

That's in the delusion thing.

The self-aware thing is on the critical thing.

It's kind of like just reading about this. The observing ego. My therapist was telling me that... And I go to her ad hoc and I don't want to hear it. I dip in and I dip out.

And her big thing is that's okay to think that. That's a thought. It's a feeling you fear. It's not a fact. And the other thing is there's something called your observing ego.

Your observing ego looks at your ego. And I could be getting this wrong. What's the most part it's right? Let's try it. Okay. Your observing ego is all about skeptic.

It's all like, I hear that story that you think, okay. You took a blood test and it's going to come back. You had your annual physical normal normal. But you've worked this up into being that it's going to come back and you're whatever. Sure.

But your observing goes, I'm doubtful. I don't know if I believe that. I don't know if I believe that story. And that's where the self awareness comes. Self awareness is almost like you're observing ego.

It's like, okay, you think you're good. Let's get some data in. Let's look at this practically speaking and object as objectively as you can.

“Do you think you really let your mind wander with the medical?”

Oh, yeah. My husband. I've had him laying next to me at night and he's like, has a cough and he's like, what if no, it changes my whole. What if it is cancer, though?

No, literally. How did we get from the sinus infection to cancer? But I have to hold him in that space but also bring him back to reality. Like does Gabby meet you there? Gabby was an ICU nurse.

By the grace of God as if she couldn't get any better. It's when I first met Gabby when we were first dating like my stomach hurt. Like I slept over a bump. I did show that night. That maybe didn't eat dinner and was going to eat after,

but I just crawled into bed with her and I had to tell me. She like literally sprung up to make me something. Like she was like, oh, there's like these oats that I've given to patients. And it's like, like, she's so good with the medical. Like she's unreal with the medical.

How soon did you start asking Gabby for medical advice? I can't even remember to me to breathe as to, I don't even, you know, I could in pinpoint. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's something I taught. It's like the weather, you know, how I'm feeling.

You could be in the coffee line.

“And you could turn a sound like, do you think the symptom means?”

No, I know. It's very scary. It's terrifying. No, your husband should see an ENT. If he, no, if this, I do want to say, it seems, if you guys have good insurance,

I mean, by all means. [Music] Can we talk about men for a second? Of course. In one of your sets, you said that the makeup of any man is 95%

the greatest guy in the world. Oh, yeah. 95% jail. Can you elaborate on that breakdown? Well, men have a very dark.

Some of it is coming to light now.

It's amazing how much of men's darkness is,

continues to come to light. It just continues, it's like an onion, right? It's like we all know, but I guess now men are like, you caught us,

It's the Harvey Weinstein thing we're like, we all know.

It's the pedophile thing and we're like, I'm right. This is like really fellows. This is not. You've got to get it together. It's just on becoming.

This is just on well. Is this punch? Yep. Ooh. Have a little.

It's cold too. A little refresher. Watermelon. Hmm. That's excellent.

Thank you. Of course.

“Yeah, so they started to kind of, we started to be like, huh?”

Yeah, I don't know what the men are doing anymore. I can barely keep up, right? But 5% it's you don't want to know. I guarantee 5% of this man. I don't want to know.

Can you imagine if women were doing that shit?

It's crazy. We would be in jail. Yeah, I mean, they're putting, they're trying to put women in jail for emails. I mean, this is what's going on. Never mind.

Right? We're like, you're with the children and we're sending emails. Every problem in the world. And I'm not a, I love the fellas. You know, and I, and I, I'm with dudes a lot and I'm best friends with them.

You know, when somebody says, oh, I'm friends with a, oh, I'm friends with a Jewish person. Or, you know, um, I know gay people and I'm friends with them. I know when I'm friends with some of them. Um, but every massive problem is them. It really is, it's, it's distilled down to men versus women at the end of the day.

War. Uh-huh. We would not have gone about with war. Thousand years ago, we're a setting up society. I'm not going to be like, you know what?

Let me bash a bitch into the wall. Like we just don't think like that. I'm like, I'm going to talk to her. Let's talk it through. See how, how long is she staying here?

How, okay, okay, no problem.

So we won't, like, like we would discuss, communicate at first.

Yeah, so war is just not the way we would have gone about it. We wouldn't have invented, um, you know, the economy is running on the stock market, which is astrology for men. You know, it's like, it's just not the way we would have gone about money. All of it.

It's like, we would have been like, everybody gets 100k to start. Is that good? Okay, so let's just all take 100. Okay, and we ended four. Let's all go home.

I'm like, like, we want to set up every system of the economy. Warfare politics. It just would have been very different. What do you think about women? What is our makeup of jail to grade?

Women are more nuanced. It's hard. To me, women are more case by case. Men, I can apply more of a general. They're, they're more basically made.

So I can, you know, they're like a pill like that. Like I can, you know, we're more women are a lot more complex. Yeah. Okay, let's unpack this further. I'm going to give you a scenario.

Yeah. You're going to tell me if it qualifies as great or jail. And we're like, we're bringing this down to like normal life. We're not talking. We're not talking.

You have already have to pee. I have because I'm having my tea. Go. Really?

“Okay, but are you going to be able to continue as is?”

Oh, well, I'll sit right here. Will you run? Do you know where it is? I don't think, hey, everyone in our mission. I actually don't think anyone's ever left.

Turn in the view. To pee. I appreciate the directness. Most people would sit there and just hold it. I don't know because you know what?

Tell me. I consume a lot of water and tea. I just saw the tea's gone. Okay. Let me get in the unwell.

And I won't do this on here and it makes Gab sick. I will squeeze that tea bag at the end. Well, it's one of the grossest things that I've done. It's about 10% of the moment. You know what?

That was exactly 95% normal. And 5% she takes the end at the end of her tea. And it's as gross some, I'd say, as pedophilia. She takes the end of the tea bag. Some may say, and she squeezes it.

Squeeze it into her mouth. Go back into the back and here and I finish the tea. That's like backwash. That's like the last dribblets of like a the tea bag. Don't you fucking dare?

Because it has the most tea in the bag.

“I think it's the most potent of the flavor of the tea.”

Put it down. Put it the fuck down. Okay. It's looking nasty now. Yeah.

No, it's fine. We can remove it now. Okay. That's your jail. You're going to tell me if it's great or if it's jail.

Okay. They fuck with their socks on. A guy or a girl. Yeah. I think that's fine.

I think it's fine, too. I remember reading. Are you cold? I mean, I also grew up in Canada. Like is it cold?

How's your heat? You like to set the mood? Like I fucked for all the clothes.

It's fine. You know what I mean?

Let's reason there's a fly for some paper.

I remember reading at one point that if you keep your socks on during sex, you can have a better orgasm. And this was back in the day when my boyfriend was just like not getting it done. And so I tried it. And I don't know if it was like a placebo effect. You know?

But I kind of convinced myself, like maybe we are having more progress. And it's not like how we're running to put the socks on. Do then have sex. But if they're on, sometimes I just won't take them off. Well, it's also a nice thing, like maybe you keep your extremities warm.

You know? It could be clenched.

“I think on a man I would probably prefer.”

I don't want to see a man's feet. Such a good point. Yep. I think a woman can go either way. Like if she wants to be cozy and cute and socks, I'm not mad.

But a man please. So I would say as somebody prefer. I don't, you know, I don't even men who don't wear socks with shoes.

Like if even if they're in a shoe and there's no sock, I'm upset.

I don't want to see a grown man's ankle. That I'm in no mood for. The ankle on a man. It's a rare. It's a good one.

It doesn't matter unless you're on a boat. That is, you're on a boat. You're at the pool. There's no reason for me to see your ankle. You're at the airport in a flip-flop.

What do you think about that? Call the police. That, that, that, that is just. What do you think about shorts at the airport? I, I'm more fine with shorts, but I don't love them.

Would you ever wear shorts at the airport? No. I like to be cozy and I'm cold a lot. What about bare feet on a plane? It's unacceptable.

It's horrible.

“What would you do if you were saying access on a bare feet on a plane?”

I, I, I would combust. I, I really thank God. And I travel so often. I've been near it. But not quite directly next to it.

And I'm, see, I'm grateful once again. You know, I'm extremely grateful for the life I have, including somehow dodging something like that. You've been like a few rows away. Yes.

Cut the glimps. Oh, yeah. The shiver down the spine. It's just so gross. I, I don't know.

It's really gross. It's disgusting. I did sit next to somebody once. This man. And could only be described as homeless.

And I don't know if he was unhoused or not. But I'm describing him that way to give you the idea. And he had one singular tissue, not a hand key, not one. And he blows, he blew his nose so aggressively.

So many times into this, like, And I asked the flight attendant for a mask. This is before COVID before anything. I, how I even thought to ask for a mask before COVID.

But I never, you know what I mean?

I didn't even know, like, you were heading into my hospital. Yeah. And they didn't. And I literally thought I would die of AIDS. Like, I thought, like, that flight, like, I'm done for.

When you sit on the plane and you hear the person going, like, Oh, oh. And it is all, the, it's just the coffee mask. And you're like, I am sitting in an incubator. Yeah.

I do feel like I'm a person. No. That is terrible. That's, I do feel that. I'm looking to know, um, okay, they sit on the couch in their outside clothes.

That's fine. We're okay. Couch. The bed? No, less so.

But it's fine. Occasionally, it's the comforter on. The comforter is over. The comforter is over. Let is the little throw at the end.

“You know, when you throw the throw, how do you feel about the throw, though, in a hotel?”

I get rid of it immediately. Get it the fuck away from me. No, my husband has a thing. He's like, put out the window. Yeah.

And here's the whole thing. I've stated holiday and expressed not to, not to brag. And I used to like, sometimes the coverlet is the blanket. At those hotels, like, there isn't a blanket under. It's like, just sheets or a very thin blanket.

Like, I've been frozen as can be. Before I, I'm like, I'll freeze to death. I don't care. This shit that's on there. Oh, a decorative pillow in a hotel?

Terrible. Okay, they have a cat. I have a cat. How many? One.

And I don't like other cats just because I have a cat. So it depends the cat. I'm also case by case, just like humans. I'm case by case with the animals. I don't need an animal.

A dog to run and pound sun me. I'm not in the mood to be assaulted by a dog today. Sometimes you go to somebody's house. I was not in the mood to be jumped by a dog. It used to be acceptable.

If somebody had such a dog to say, could you put it in a room? You can't ask somebody to put it in the room.

I don't want to really be harassed right now.

Can you put the dog in the room? Like, it's okay. It's okay. Like, oh, he just wants your sock. I'm like, I want my sock.

Look, I want my sock. So I don't know. So the dogs, it depends the dog and it depends the cat. I don't want your cat scratching. My cat doesn't do such a thing.

My cat is the gentlest little cat that ever was. I got her already at two years old. And so she was fully grown and very gentle. And I knew it. But some people got a kitten and it grows up.

It's a menace. And I'm locking the door. I'm afraid of the cat. Does your cat have a name? No.

No. Oh, he did. No. Her name is no. No.

They are allergic to gluten.

No. They can't be done. It can't be done. Is it real? Or they think they are.

Like, unless they come. Like, I want to see the outbreak. I want to pick up a role. We're having roles tonight. Just a bag of roles.

I don't care if it's the Hawaiian role. Whatever role. Okay. I don't care if it's the dinner roll. Butter it up.

And let's see. Is it hitch? It better look like hitch. It better look like Will Smith and hitch. If it's not Will Smith blowing up and hitch.

I don't know. It does feel kind of recent. It's very recent. It's very recent. And, you know, I don't want it.

It's just I got to see. Everybody is suddenly celiac. You're like, I don't think people are my parents generation.

“Like, remember when we were kids, probably everybody was allergic to peanuts.”

I never hear that anymore because it's not cool anymore.

It's not cool anymore. Less and less people are allergic to peanuts. People used to kiss you to fucking pass out and eat an epic pen. You were taught you got to stab 'em. I was ready.

I grew up ready to stab a bitch who was freaking out with a peanut. It sounds like a point. The epic pen was killer. And they said you stand. I said, I'll believe me.

I'll do it. I remember like, could I do it? I remember really like, you know, and they're like, and they're like, because we hit somebody in our class allergic. Take the epic pen.

And I said, teacher, I will do it. But no one was allergic to gluten in our classes. No. And now I don't see the peanut allergy too much. Yeah, comment down below if you've got a peanut allergy.

And comment down below if you've a gluten allergy. They had. By the way, they're coming for us. And fine, I believe you. I'm also, we don't care, but we're all sick.

We're all sick. We're curious. Is it a gluten in, you know, when they ask you at a restaurant, like, hey, like, Gavin, I like to go to sugarfish in order to trust me. When I go eat, you can trust me.

But instead of the crab, can we do the sound? And they go, is it allergy or is it a preference?

“It's like, that's what I want to know with these people.”

Is it an analogy or a preference? Okay. There go to grocery store is air one. I mean, I'm sorry to say, this is people are not going to like, Gavin orders from air one more than I would like.

Now, when Gavin is on a trip, I can't imagine it. Okay. And also, it's a very annoying grocery store to shop and because they don't label any of their aisles. Like, they make you want to go through aisles.

And I'm like, I'm not here, like, explore the grocery store. Like, what's in the aisles? Like, I'm looking for them. So, in the only time I go is if Gavin's come back from a trip, I will buy her her treats from Air One.

I'll pick up a bag. I'll get her like flowers and I'll get her like, you know, she likes these mush oatmeal and different things that they sell there. So, I will get her the stuff that she likes just to make sure that there's a couple things that she really likes.

Okay. Someone that has their phone background is a photo of themselves. That's terrible. So weird. So, very weird.

People who have dabbled with DJing. It's horrible, criminal. DJ, can I add something else? Permission? Of course.

Permission to a lab. Of course. Photography. Bella's, you've got a nice camera. You've got a couple.

You've got a record player. Like, how much is you and how much is the thing? Like, the camera? Photography? I'm not sure it's very hard to, especially at the amateur level.

And the DJ at the amateur level.

“It's very hard to denote what are the tables doing and what are you doing?”

What are the songs themselves doing? You drop hot in here? We're on. Okay. I don't know if to give you the credit.

Or do you? Or back to Nellie. But is it Nellie hot in here? Yeah. Yeah.

It's Nellie. Photography. Was it the Lika? Or was it you? I don't know.

It's such a good point. And the photography. I remember being on dating apps and being like.

It was just a quick. It was a quick easy decision. Oh, a model. A model for a man. I mean, there's certain.

“This is where I get in trouble sometimes because I can be traditional.”

I live a non-traditional life to some extent. I had a task rabbit once come over. I bought, you know, the cheaper the thing that Ikea, the more of your life they take. Right? Like so it's like, yeah, the shelves really cheap because there's 97 different screws that you're going to spend the next two days doing.

Right? So it's like, that's what you pay for. So I would, you know, I'm, I'm no stranger ordering the cheapest possible things moving to a new apartment. Not anymore by the grace of God and all of you. Thank you.

And so I was just moving to LA maybe. A new apartment. And I called a task rabbit. It's maybe six, seven years ago. And another lesbian shows.

Another Dyke shows up. I go. The girl. No. I need my handyman.

I've excuse me. I, am I could, I would have done it. Now we're both. I'm on the floor with this bitch doing it. Send me, I need a guide to come over here.

Like I'm looking for like an old Italian or Mexican dude to come in here and do what the hell he does. You got on the floor with her. Why?

“Because she was, she was like, oh, I got, I know.”

That was my problem. All right. Let's see if we can figure it out. It's like, no. The, the hash rabbit's got to be a dude.

Okay. And the model has got to be a girl. I don't want to, you're a male model. Yeah. Okay.

So men are so into fashion and know what kind of jeans a woman's wearing. That really just be gay. Like women don't like literally save women's time. Like I hear these stories all the time. Or I'm like, that sounds good.

And I have a theory about gay. And again, and I don't, it's only a theory. Yeah. Talk to me. Okay.

We are, we are hypothesizing still. But I do think that everybody who you think is gay is gay.

And then on top of that, there's a million more people.

You won't even know who are gay, who are gay. So if you think a dude's gay, that's all you need. 100% factually gay. Because then on top of that, there's the old, hold down, load the people you don't know who are gay.

So that, yeah. A really interesting, because I, I feel like I've seen you said something about, um, like everyone has a little gay in them, right? The fellas.

The fellas. Yeah. But they're scared of it. Like girls want a little gay in them. Even if they don't have a little gay in them, they're like,

"Whoa, I don't hold my hand like girls on a beach." Well, they're like, "Yeah, let's like post like this." Like, you know, they're not shy of being a little gay. They like have fun with it. They like, like flirting or, or whatever.

But fellas are like so afraid of it. That if they just were like, "Yeah." You know, like, yeah, or, you know, like terrified. Yeah, they're like terrified of it. Because they've hurt each other doing it.

Like the thing is, is they used to bash each other's head and if they actually were. They've scared each other. Again, goes back to men being the problem. They're also a problem to themselves.

Right. Like, embrace yourself. Yeah, like gay bash themselves. Dude on dude violence is massive. When you were a teenager, you said,

"You made sure you earned your stay in your friend group by bringing the tea and getting your friend some dick." Yeah. What, what were you up to? Well, I was naturally born.

I had a good figure. I'm low-key, pretty. I have a prettyness to me.

You know, my brother always asked.

He's like, "Why you starting to look like Joe Besheet?" Like he's like, you know, like my family thinks, like, "Oh, my sister is like, you know, you were, you know, you could be pretty." Like, you know, like they think, like, "I don't know."

Like he thinks, like, "I have an insecurity or whatever." Like, "I dress." So, like, you know, you could be wearing, like, "My sister used to like, if we were window shopping, she'd be like, "Ah, with your figure, I'd wear that dress."

And it's like, they can't imagine that I choose to dress. Like, they think it's like must be something. But in high school, when I wasn't in tune to what I just was like, "Oh, yeah." Like, you know, when a high school,

we wanted jobs, boyfriends. Like, you know, it was Romeo and Michelle. Let's go. So, my friends had, you know, like, let's say my friend's father would take a somewhere,

like, "My mom didn't drive." Right?

Or like, "I never had any money."

And maybe my friends would, they got allowance. I want to ask my grandfather for allowance. And he walked me to the fridge. He's like, "You want allowance?" "Ah, what do you think this is?"

All the food in the fridge. And I'm like, "Copy that." Thank you very much. But, yeah.

“So, I would, I think it's like being, you know,”

being blind and maybe your other senses pick up the slack. I didn't have a lot monetarily to contribute.

that knew somebody who had a pool, you know,

“but I could, I could get us to the front of the line,”

if I needed to. I could, you know, like, I could, get us, get us drinks. Right? She's paying the Uber.

Why should we be, no girls?

I always knew girls don't pay for drinks at bars.

I looked good. I put on whatever tight I had to be. I had a good time and I would just walk up to whatever, you know, that you have guys roped off at clubs and stuff. I'd say, "What are we drinking, fellas?" Before we knew what were, like, five girls were sitting there,

were drinking, you know, the orange juice and the cranberry juice are there, the bottle service. I'm, like, pouring all of them and then we would leave those guys. We never put out, we never anything.

We just got our fridge and the fellas back then. No, I would say, "Hey guys, what are we, you know, like, we were always, and we were always, it's so funny. Looking back, we were always like amazed. Like, let's say we were like, five, like,

skinny, bitches, like 20 years old, short skirts, heels, the whole bit in the freezing cold. You know, not even paying for co-check. So running from the car to the club, trying to get in really please, sir, we're cold.

And we can't believe he lets us in. Okay, me, no, we're like five, 20 year old girls. Like, of course, that's who's getting. And we can't believe we've got the feature, did you believe these guys gave us?

They're crying. It's just only reason they got the, the, the, the, the bottle was for this to happen to them. Dude, it's, it's, it's so terrifying when you look at it. And you're like, oh my god, how stupid and easy men are when it's like, it all took was me to wear that chop.

Are you fucking kidding me? But they had to spend some money. I do remember thinking. I, well, I do remember because I remember my brothers having to go out. And I helped my brothers with their plenty of fish profiles.

And online dating back then. And one of my brothers was colorblind. And he said, does this shirt, this shirt? My brother was so cute. But, um, they didn't have money.

And I always felt like, what really sung me?

Because I always thought a great date for any amount was a movie. And when movies became out of fortified, said that is it.

“If my brother cannot even take a girl to a movie, what are we doing?”

What chance does he have? What chance? And he's only like 18. Like he's trying to order. He's working at FedEx.

Like, with he can't take a bitch to a movie. Like he's not. I've been out to these clubs. What is he to do? He's stuck.

It's horrible. Because these fellas had to have like that bottle was like 500. I don't know what it was. The bottles are this fucking crazy. And they did it.

So, you know, there was, they were doing their thing. However, they got their money. Maybe they were flipping cell phones. I don't know what they were doing. Or coming from it in many cases.

The one's not coming from it. Who got it? I'm not looking at your taxes. I don't hear what you're doing. You don't care.

You did what you had to do. And you did what you had to do. And you got, yeah, and I did what I had to do. Okay, you have a theory. No.

In every relationship, you need one hot person. Oh, yeah. And one smart person. How did this idea come to be?

It's just always been the case.

I can't tell that ideas. And it's not 100% per the person. You need the right ratio. There's a relationship ratio. That's what we're talking about.

We're talking about the two sides of the ratio. Okay. For those of, you know, math is, you know, the two colon, the colon is the ratio. And you're quitting both sides.

One side's got to be hot. You need an attraction, something. Hot is different to people, but also it's, you know. And then there's a smart. Those are the two things for the relationship.

That's a scale. So if you're bringing mostly smart, you got to look for mostly hot. If you're bringing 50% smart and 50% hot, you need a 50/52.

“What if the balance is off and you have two hot people?”

Or two Hollywood? Look at two hot people. It's a disaster. Hollywood. Jail on Ben.

It doesn't matter how many times they try. They're missing an entire circle. Right? They have two hot and I'm not saying. And it's lovely.

But they're missing and it's a two smart. That's two I'll go. That's a hazard on the road. No. And nothing wrong.

But that's just what it is. We've seen the couples. But you need something driving the other stuff. You need a good mix of both. But what's more lethal?

Or what's more, like, oh, this is going to go down in flames. Hot, hot, smart, smart. Down in flames, I think, is hot hot. What happens with two hot people? Or two smart people?

They're just, you're literally just walking around like, I'll go. Yeah. Happens. But it doesn't.

Wait. By the way. Okay. At least it can work for, you know. But what happens is, you know, sometimes.

or whatever. It's the hot doesn't pick up. Right. Like, maybe the ego sees a hotty. I mean, she's going to kill me for saying this.

Emily? What? Emily? Are you trying to talk to your team? Yeah.

They can't talk to you back in here.

Basically, it's a general ratio.

You want to make sure you have it. Okay. Gabby, you know. And the ratio's don't even make sense.

“Gabby, I think, brings 90% of the hotness.”

And I can feel confident going anywhere with her. Whether it's a grocery store, whether it's a carpet, whatever it is. Because I'm like with Gab. Nobody's even looking at me. Cares.

Okay. But I think I'm a cutie. So I bring 10%. So we have our 100% hot. And on the smart, people forget Gabby was a nurse.

So she's practically a fucking doctor in this country. She's an ICU nurse. So we split the smart 50/50, we have our circle there. Just fill the circles. However, you can get to your fill.

Do it. You got to do it. Yeah. I think that's a really great point. I do think people need to be a little bit more self-aware.

And it also depends with time you're in your life.

And sometimes in college, you're like, I just want a hot guy. I want a hot girl. And you're just going for the hot. And you actually like, I don't want you to be fucking smart. Because I don't want to end up with you.

I just want to have fun. And you might be smart. Right? That's a lethal count. You want to know lethal. Somebody like you are Gab.

They're hot and they're smart.

“Gab, I always thought she doesn't have to be hot.”

That she doesn't have to be hot or smart for as hot and smart as she is. You don't have to be hot. You don't have to be as smart as you are for as hot as you are. You could have leaned on one. That is the lethal combo.

Is that sometimes they're hot like Gab and they're brilliant too. What fucking chance do you have? What chance do you have? But does that mean that they could get with someone that can bring less to the table?

Because they're bringing more. It does. Or does that bill resent that?

No, but that means that you if you want just some guy in college.

What do you care? You're carrying a lot of the circles. I'm carrying it. Yeah, you have a big contribution to your right. Your feel is is there.

You need less of it. Maybe you're doing 90% hot like Gab and 90% smart. And you just knew you're looking for 10 on either. What a life. A guy walking around with 20% that checks out.

Most of them are. And that's generous. Yeah, thank you. You had a live Colin show once where you gave advice called the Robby Hoffman Consulting Group. What do you think you're in COVID?

Well, I'll find you to give people advice. Well, I mean, I have an undergraduate degree from McGill University at Accounting. Thank you very much.

“I think I'm qualified on all areas of relationship.”

Of psychology, of finance, of fashion. Due to my credentials right there. What are some of the weirdest calls you ever got? No, we got a lot of calls. You know, this is so boring.

We went through people's resumes. I like to spruce up a resume. You know, things like that. We really, I don't know. We got tons, none.

I don't know what weird is. I can't even qualify as something being weird. Like somebody could ask me anything. And I'm like, Oh, yeah. That's a good question.

What's left? I don't know. What celebrity would you call for advice? I celebrity? Well, they're calling you.

And what would it take for you to call in? I wouldn't call us. I wouldn't call us. I want like, you know, the neurologist at Cedar Sinai. That's somebody I would call.

You know, I don't think it sounds like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think it's celebrity. I don't think it's going to be a good idea.

I don't think it's going to be a good idea. I don't think it's going to be a good idea. I don't think it's going to be a good idea. I don't think it's going to be a good idea. I don't think it's going to be a good idea.

I don't think it's going to be a good idea. I don't think it's going to be a good idea. I don't think it's going to be a good idea. I don't think it's going to be a good idea. I don't think it's going to be a good idea.

I don't think it's going to be a good idea. I don't think it's going to be a good idea. I don't think it's going to be a good idea. It's like the table. The table.

The table. The gurney. It's almost a gurney. It's kind of creepy. Anyway, we're all on there.

We're all on our underwear. I may be like 8, 9, 10, and we're all a year apart. We're all on our underwear. Me and three of my brothers. We're freezing.

We're sitting there. He's doing the neat thing. We're having fun. He weighs a soul. He's going down.

My mother's there. She's brought four of her kids in for this appointment. He does our check-up. He's going through it. Yeah, your brother looks really healthy.

This one over here. The other one. We'd love if he was finishing his plate. My brother was like a little. Nothing crazy.

But just make sure he's finishing everything on his plate. He's in a little lower of a percentile. We'd love to see him just a little. Me and your next year. Nothing.

Nothing crazy.

Rifka Robbie. She looks healthy. Fine. Okay.

He gets finished with all of us.

And he goes, okay. Kids have a great year at school. See you next year. He leaves the room for us. Right.

My mother's like, get dressed. Get dressed. Get dressed. We're like pulling our shoe. Okay.

She's pulling my brother's pants. She's like, you're all way enough. Embarrassing me in front of the doctor. Because my mother all she did was cooked and, you know, threw food on the table, right?

And he's just a small, we were all. He's still small to the say. You know what I mean? He's just a skinny guy, right? And but my mother, she was so embarrassed.

Like it looked upon her that she wasn't feeding her kids. Cause he's and he doesn't, you know, way enough. He's eight years old. He is no clue. What do you?

“What does he have anything to do with what he weighs at that age?”

It's like a full form of self-examination for her in that moment. She's like, how they looking. Yeah. Really, it's like a reflection on her. Yeah.

She's taking it like, so then she implemented the piece system. Are you finished? To, you know, two more pieces or whatever. Doing all that. And I'm like, I already had my two more pieces.

I'm good. You said two more pieces last time. I am done with pieces for this. I love that you all went in together. Because she would do as many as she could.

Yeah, four than four because it was just like an annual check-up. Like are the kids, they have their shots or whatever.

They were always kind of a little intimidating.

It was sitting there on her underwear. I was like cold. He's some bed of file, obviously. That he's dressed like this. Did I have the extra talk to my underwear now thinking about it?

That may have been a unique experience. And that may have been my mother being like, "Everybody, get out, get out, get out." You know, he's the doctor's coming into examined. But she was ready.

Like, she didn't waste a doctor's time. And the doctor was like, "I didn't need to make a beer to this day." Like, I like to get on the phone with a great lawyer or a doctor or a scientist. Have you one of them on speed dial? A lawyer on speed dial?

A doctor on speed dial. There's nothing like that. There's nothing. Okay. In one of the episode descriptions,

you said, "We are now helping those most in need predominantly non-less beings." What did you do? Did I say that? Yeah, that was in one of your-- That was when you were just episode descriptions for your advice.

Oh, for advice. Yes, because I know-- No, no, because what happened was people thought it was only lesbians to call in. And you're like, "Lesbians, we're flooding the lines." And it's like, "No, like the fellas need a lot of help here."

You see what they're walking around. There are in many wars. They're investing in crypto. You know? You know, so get them on the line.

“So I think that was a clarification there.”

What is some straight people shit? You just like, cannot get behind a lot. Okay. A lot of straight men claim that going down on a woman is so difficult because it's hard to find the clip.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Like DJ Khaled is gay. Yeah. No, that's what I think.

I think if you're bragging about not going down on a woman, it's like, bro, just come out. Like there's no other way to come out. Like it's not giving what you think it's giving. That was just like bizarre.

It's like just be gay. Like again, leave women alone. Like why this whole song and dance? Like they like gay men? Like just be gay.

Be fair. Like they can be thrilled for you. Like don't drag them on this thing. And you're weird thing. Yeah.

No, I think a man not going down on a woman. Which by the way. Going down on some woman is great. Some others. It's not.

I'm sure it's like hooking up with men. I've had. You know, think God. I married Gabby is all I can say. And then God.

I married Gabby. But, you know, so it find your girl.

“You know, but I think bragging about not going.”

It's like, okay, like, I don't know where to go from that. Like just literally be gay. So weird. Give us your advice, ready? If someone's like, how do I approach someone in the wild?

What do I do? It depends on the circumstance. Okay. Who's a pro check? Who?

A young woman in early 20s to a man is going up to a man. No. Never. Do not do that. You don't need to be doing that.

A man is going up to a woman in her 30s. Where are they? They're at a luxury bar. Okay. They're at a bar.

They're at a place of approach. Um. I don't know. I think just keep it simple. Can I buy you a drink?

Listen. I don't want to beat around the bush. Can I get you a drink? Yeah. No worries either way.

Okay. Have a great evening. She says no walk away nice. She says I'm okay. Thank you.

I have a terrific evening. I like the no worries either way. Like don't put too much pressure. Yeah. Hey.

Was just wondering. You know.

It's like Gabby when I met her the first time.

And I was like, listen. I don't want to beat around the bush. But I got to get your number. Love you. I know.

Did she give it to you? Well, her friend, who was a fan of mine. That's how her friend spotted me. I was very new for me from spotting to be happening. She was with Gab.

And she said, I'll give you the number.

And I said, no, no. I'm not kidding for me.

I'm waiting in from the source.

And I'm testing it tonight. How did you guys meet? We met outside of. We were.

“There was like a little like event happening at a bar space.”

Okay. Yeah. And I was late to it because I worked nights. And I got there to meet up with a friend. And we were all on our way out.

I got spotted by. By well, another lesbian who kind of looked like me. Like one of the more boyish ones. Even more boyish than me. So at this point, I thought, well, let's get out of here.

This is really, this is not the name. I'm like, I'm not gay like that. You know, somebody like that is looking at me. I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not one of those.

I'm not that gay. You know, like, I don't feel gay with Gabby because I'm like, okay, one's like kind of doing the boy weird thing. And one's a girl. Like we kind of have a heteronormative life.

Like the only gay thing about me is that I'm gay. But other than that, I'm not even gay. But if another lesbian like me, like, or even butcher than me with the buzz cut and the whole hit on me, I'd like, what are you fucking gay?

Like that to me is so gay. And it happens. It'd be too much for you. That's too gay.

“You have a very specific type that you're going for.”

Yeah, just said, no. It's not like, yeah, like Gabby and I make sense to me. So that person was like, and they were like, no, no. I love, they were like, oh, no, I'm not gay like that. They were like, I love your comedy.

I'm like, oh, thank God. Thank God. Thank you so much. I'm happy. It's relating.

But then I was like, okay, never mind you.

Who are you with? And it was Gabby. And you know, one of these things doesn't belong. You know, kind of a dive. You know, lesbian events or not.

Let's just say we're not gay men. You know, the event spaces. And you know, the flowers weren't picked up that day. And all the stuff that gay men may be do. But we could use more at our places.

But gab was there. And I was like, well, well, who's this? And they were like, oh, yeah, that's Gabby. The bachelor. I was like, the bachelor's gay.

But I don't know what the bachelor's doing. Maybe they are gay now. And some of them, you know, I didn't heard one was gay. I mean, he tricked all these women. Again, just be gay.

Even though people would argue that gab did that. But bisexuality and women is a lot more like they're more open with it. I just think it's not as shameful men have like shamed each other into like not even being able to be their 5% gay, which is a minimum. Maybe for them.

But yeah, so I just, I wasn't sure the bachelor's gay. I've missed out on so long of the bat, you know. And they were like, oh, no, no, no. You know, she's, she's just exploring. And I'm like, what does she do?

I don't like explore. I was like 28 years old exploring. I said, I don't think so. You know. And I got right to it.

I got right to it. I was like, okay. Well, do do. I forget what I asked her.

“But then a second question or something asked was like, do you come from money?”

And she was like, and I was like, say no more, I knew she didn't. You know, because people come from money. Nothing wrong, but I can't date them. Um, they say we were comfortable or something, right? We, why couldn't you date them with money?

To me, it's like dating outside of the faith. Like, I don't, you know, for me, religion isn't the thing that it's like the day to day. Like, people who grew up with money versus people who didn't. It's an entire different. It's, it's day in and day out.

It's every small thing. You know, I joke about it, but grocery, you know, grocery shopping changes. If I'm not in the mood, whether I have the money or not, just been 99, 99 on raspberries from an air one. I'm not in the mood. I don't care if the money is there.

I cannot. And she moves. We understand that language. We're like, that is criminal. We keep it moving.

We keep it moving, right? Some of you grew up differently than that. Those are, those are too many. We're not speaking the same language. Gab and I speak the same language.

And that's the, I want somebody who's doing well now. By the grace of God. Um, and we both get it. We both have our own, we don't want to spend that. We don't want to spend that.

We don't want to. We don't want to. We don't want to. So I asked her that and she said, no, you know, military and I said military for sure No money.

That's wonderful. We don't want to see you know.

And her father is, you know, her family is amazing.

And thank you for the. Thank you for your service for her entire family, but military family. And, um, I just loved that. I loved the grid of of how she grew up and being a nurse. And I just, there was so many things that lined up.

You know, we spoke the same language. Like on paper, we don't look. People like what an odd couple. But it's like the compatibility is through the roof. Did even know you were first told like, oh, she's just exploring.

You were right now. Just like, oh, my God. No, not interested. Then he started talking to her. Did you kind of know immediately?

What do you mean they're not interested? Like you said, like, oh, when you're someone, when the person told you, like, oh, she's exploring.

Like, no, no, no way.

Like I'm not interested in.

No, I didn't sign on interest, I said she's just, she already knows. Oh, okay. Yes. She's made it to the Dijkbar or the Dijk event. This is just, this is not door the explorer on an assignment.

She's not Anderson Cooper in the war zone reporting back. No, no, no. She, this is the, yeah. I, she was a little reaching your late 20s when you're 30.

“I think, no, you're 16 and you're exploring.”

Go ahead. But do not come to me. You know, she was ready. And tell me you're exploring. So you knew if you got in there, you're like, no, no, she's ready.

Oh, yeah. I mean, she's just about 25 boyfriends. You know, so that didn't, you know, so she's here. You know, she did her last ditch her off. And I got the final rose.

It's unbelievable. How did you and Gabby kind of navigate those early days in your relationship with like the fame of the bachelor and people looking at you guys. Like, how did that go? I, honestly, and again, I hate saying this.

It could not have gone better. I really am living one of the greatest lives I've heard about. And it happens to be mine. And I'm like thrilled with it. Like, I really thought the worst case scenario.

But my observing ego is like, maybe it would work out somewhere. I'm like, no, this is going to go, like, I told her not to come out. I said, this is not going to be good for bachelor nation. They don't want you to be gay. The fellows are going to go crazy, right?

And then I don't need this mob. That bachelor nation has embraced me. I love you. Everyone is just tremendous to me and to Gab. So it went really well.

But I told her, I thought, she doesn't have to come out. People were starting to see us. I don't love living in secret, but I also was fine to do it. Because I'm like, oh, she's a lot more public in it.

“You know, her dating life is specifically public.”

I'm public with my work. You know, but nobody's really, you know, so it was a new sensitivity or another, you know, and so I told her not to come out. Because they're going to blame me. They're going to look at us and say, who's fault is this?

So obviously, they're going to blame me. And then they're going to find out, like, you know, Jewish. It's like, we don't need, like, forget it. It's all going to come down to me. I was in no mood.

I said, this is a miracle that we even met and that we get to enjoy. But actually, it went amazing. And people have been, again, it's like, I hate to say it. But people have been so good to us. Who said I love you first?

Me, of course. Did she say back right away or no? Yeah. But then she stopped saying it for a minute. So here's what happened.

What'd you do? This is the greatest thing about me. Because I have dated before, but I'm very, I've been slow.

I never really live with anyone.

I took five years to, like, maybe, you know,

“with Gab, I was, like, 13 days in, like, sat around.”

And I'm like, I just got to, like, I, I got to be upfront. I am falling in love with you. Because she was like, what is this? And I'm like, this is love.

Like, what are we? She's like, what is this? And I know, and I'm like, it's love. What it is? And I need it.

So that's what's going on. And we need to confront that, you know? And so I asked her to be my girlfriend. And then, you know, it was a very elementary, very sweet, very cute, very lesbian, which, yeah.

But, you know what? It's never too late to be a lesbian. For the first time I was acting as fast as they say we were. And then, yeah, it was feeling fast for her. So we, we pulled back.

But she was also not trusting. Like, in the beginning, like, Gabby, you know, and in a healthy relationship, ideally you work through your stuff with the person. Like, you realize why you are the way you are.

And you don't, you know what I mean? And it all comes out. So she was having that experience of like, you know, I guess I didn't trust that, you know, one of her parents would be home when they should be home,

or they said something to her and it didn't happen. You know, she wasn't able to trust it.

But as we committed more and more, she always felt like,

even though it felt like she actually enjoyed the commitment. Like, when we became, when we moved in, she was like, oh my god, I really trust that you love me. Like, I really feel better.

Like, every step that we did to more commitment, which would seem that she was like a pulling back. But actually when, and I never, when she was like, okay, yeah, let's move. Like, when she, I would never push her whatever.

She would then feel 10 times closer. When we got married, she even said she's like, I really trust that you love me. Like, it's just about, it's just about we're all coming from our spaces.

And in the beginning, she would sometimes afraid to say a feeling that she had, because if she spoke up as a child sometimes, and, you know, one day when she, you know, if you, you know, if you water on it,

she's leaving the house or you catch her at the right time. She could speak more to this. I hate to share her stuff.

she, what was I saying with the trust? Didn't believe love. Oh, yeah, no, yes, you got it. You got it, you're a fucking pro.

Got you. I appreciate you. Oh, you.

“Yeah, she would, like, if she expressed her feeling,”

let's say something I did annoyed her. I'm annoying. I'm expecting to be like, I'm expecting at some point she's going to be annoyed with me. I'm a very annoying person.

It's one of my biggest insecurities. I always try not to be. And for people who find me annoying,

I'm always trying to talk less and to be less annoying.

Unfortunately, part of my anxiety is a talk a lot, and I am annoying. So it is what it is, but I'm aware, and I don't like it either. I don't like it either. But let's say she, you know,

I left something where she wouldn't want something, or, um, I don't know. It, like, if I'm like, oh, will you throw me the leash,

and she would rather, like, I throw me this. She wouldn't even say something even as small as that, bother her because she would think that it's like a fight. She would think that, like, oh, I wouldn't love her.

If, if something, you know, she's so used like, if she brought up problems as a kid, it was like a problem with her. So that stuff like came out,

and I'm like,

“you're going to have a million problems with me.”

Like you're going to be like, a million things, or someone's going to hurt your feelings. Like there's going to be so many things. And I'm still here.

I'm here. I had the opposite experience, but even though I was so poor,

my mother was always home.

So I knew no matter what happened, I called him the walls. I fucking flunked this. I, whatever. We got to do a fight.

The bitch is in the kitchen. She's cooking. She's cooking. Where is she? I know to this day where my mother is.

She's in the kitchen. The bitch is in the kitchen. You know, she was for love her money. Poor cooking and doing laundry.

Every single day. She never left the house. Right? So that type of stability. So we come from somewhere that I can handle a lot.

I'm like, bring it on. What is it? Which is probably so amazing to her though,

but she had never experienced that.

And I love what you would said at the beginning, which is so real. Sometimes you do have to really individually do the work, because your partner can't solve it for you. But then the fun moments in relationships,

when you realize you're compatible, is also realizing like, oh, my baggage and my shit works really well with your baggage and your shit. And what I'm bringing, like Gabby's like,

oh my gosh, let's see if you can handle this. And you're like, this is child's play. I got you.

And she's like, wait, you're not going to run. You're not going to get mad at me. I'm in that kitchen.

I am in the kitchen. I'm in the kitchen. I'm in the kitchen. I'm in the kitchen. And I love everything.

Yeah, like, yeah, it's kind of like, yeah, what you were saying,

the baggage, it's like, we heal each other through, you know, it's like,

I have the exact, there's going to take off her, and she is exact for my stuff. It works. So it really,

really works. In a way that isn't, yeah, we're not solving each other's problems, nor is it our responsibility.

They just are healing together. and how amazing the like her with her wanting to trust but not feeling like she could trust. You having Yes, things in your childhood, but you being like, no, no, I'm always gonna be in the kitchen. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not. And to be that stable force for her to keep proving like proving when you moved in together and she's like, oh my god, maybe this is real proving when you got married. She's like, oh my god, you really do love me. You're like girl. I'm always gonna be here. Like I'm just nobody is here. Like I'm just here. That's what like it's not. Yeah.

So once I decide, I mean, I'm also like that with so many things. I found these glasses 12 years ago. I don't know what I'm gonna do if it's like they work. They fit to some of my glasses. Like, I don't rethink. I have one, you know, I decide on the thing big. Look how I am. I used to go with everything. Not just people. You're all in. I'm like, if I like something, why am I getting glasses? Why am I going to the Tom's trying? I'm like, no, I don't. I like it. It works. And I can like something for a long time. I still listen to songs 20 years ago. Okay, freaking Vanessa Carlton, making my way back home. Nothing like that.

“I think it's making my way down. Oh yeah, could be wrong. Listen, 20 years and I still don't know the lyrics. But that is a classic classic. Like I won't get over it.”

I'm making my way back home. Wait, does she ever say that? No, it's making my way down down. Walk it. Yeah, but that at some point she goes home. She goes, okay. Can you tell us in the comments? Look. She does. Look at us looking at us. Look at us. I do love a good Vanessa Carlton. Are these real? Yeah, you can eat them. No, no, you can. Maybe you're not the diversity of them. How long have I been there? We replenish. But there could be a little dust. You're just one. There's no way it says making my way back home.

She says make my way down. You're talking about that. You're like, yeah, patience. And I'm homebound. There we go. And I'm homebound. Yeah, she's homebound. Are we playing a game, ready? Yeah. Who's more likely to you and Gabby addition? People hate when I chew on podcast. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Who is more likely to laugh at an inappropriate time? Me. Oh, Gab. Gab and I are the same. Gab and I laugh at everything the same. Like we both. We are so inappropriate at home. She lets me be me. I let her be her. What is like an inopportune in time that you guys have found something funny that you're like, what, we need to fucking stop right now. Stop laughing. Stop laughing. It could be an unfortunate circumstance and we're laughing. It's not my fault. Okay. Who's more likely to send back a meal at a restaurant? Me. But I don't send anything back. It really would have to be very bad.

But I'd be more likely. Are you leaving reviews? No, never. I don't know the site. The, the, the, the, the

depths of a person who logs in. I can't even. They log in in. The log in alone for God Password. Go to the email. Get the code. I, it, it bewilders. Spad. It's really scary stuff. Who's more likely to plan a spontaneous date? Me. What is one of the most romantic things you've ever done for her? Um, I don't know. We do so many romantic. We love to be romantic together. The most romantic. We're just like an example. This has to be the most. It's, it's so tough to say. Let me think. Well, well, I know, but I do romantic things for her all the time.

I mean, I drive home from from shows and she likes, um, high choose. So if I pick up guys, I go and I grab high choose and I bring her a snack. You know, or things like that. So they're small day to day and then there's the big grand. We go horseback riding. I booked us a beautiful, you know, I don't want to say the end, but, you know, they have this and that. So we do, we do big and small romantic things all the time.

I think. Yeah. Who's more likely to pick a fight?

Her. What is the dumbest thing you guys have ever argued over? We dumb things all the time and we're over in two seconds. Something that gap and I have in common and this is back to the compatibility.

“None of us hold the grudge. We are ready in two seconds to kiss and sit on the couch together. Like, it, it, it's the best thing. Well, like, I was, you know, sorry. I was like, I was like, I was in a move, no, kiss kiss. We're back.”

Wait, it's two seconds. Who's more dramatic? I don't know. Maybe her, but not by much. Okay. Who is more likely to spill a secret? I think neither of us. Really? Have you each other? Or do you think if someone, how about this? We tell each other everything. I was going to say are you the couple that's like, if someone tells Gabby secret and they're like, do not tell anyone. She's like, Uh-huh. No, I don't know. She's your spouse, guys. Don't, you're not going to come between my marriage.

It's like I signed this NDA. Like, she signed this NDA for traders or something.

One of the shows that she went on to. She had to sign an NDA. I'm not going to know she won. Do you think an NDA is going to come between me and my wife? Are you ready for fucking mind? Are you out of your god damn mind? It's like we know we and we are NDA proof. Okay. So you just need to know that industry, studios, NDA, Gabby, Wendy knows everything I know and I know everything she knows and that's the way it is.

“I don't see how it could. Like, I think, um, my husband and I had this conversation with someone recently. We're really like,”

Oh, we know everything. Like we, we tell each other everything and one of the couples was like, what? And we were like, are we the weird ones or are they the weird ones? And this is make me feel like they're the weird ones. You know, my friend, Ali, and we debated this, but she, um, she told me about somebody, you know, as she told me about this, you know, love affair that she was having, having, um, not an affair like cheating, just a love affair. She was having a romance, um, and she said, but don't tell Gab, you know, because Gab might know the person or something or this.

So I said, okay. Come on. And especially fun to you like that. I'm running. Bro, I am running. I am pedal to the metal. I can't wait to tell her and guess who's hooking up. I've walked in the house. Guess who's hooking up. I mean, that's a joy. We have such small joys. Let's have joy.

Oh, it's just the best. A great new pipe and hot tea. You know, I love my tea. And it's not also, like, impacting your life at all. So you can kind of just, like, enroll and she told me that you know that she, you know, she's it's that come on. Yeah, if you think that someone's not telling their fucking partner.

“I think when someone says, if I sell a friend, and it's something to do with spousal, telling whatever.”

I say, don't tell anyone this. And then go home, I'm going to tell, I go, what kind of a response is that? I don't care. I don't care. Even if someone wants to tell, even if you're in jail cell, I don't care. No one. I don't want to let them who you have who you don't have.

I don't know your friends with this week and who you're not. What kind of response someone's having says, don't tell anyone who am I going to tell? I don't know that that's not the response that you say.

I will not because you know what it is. You're right.

“And people have said that to me before. And I'm like, oh, fuck if I ever said that to anyone.”

It's almost like you're kind of already admitting guilt. You're like, who would I tell? Like I've no one to tell. I don't know. Yeah, you do.

There's always someone to tell.

There's someone to tell. It's like who would, and it's just not a relevant response to that. I don't know how we got to that, and that's got to go. That's got to go. Yeah, because there's always someone to tell.

There's always someone to tell. And you may not have someone to tell today, but you could tomorrow. I don't care. I have nothing to do. I don't tell anyone. I didn't ask. You have a comedy special called Wake Up currently out on Netflix.

Congratulations. Thank you. I mean, from the beginning of this, you saying like, I gave it six months. I was going to take a like day. I know.

I was good with my accounting position. I know. You know, and now here you are on Netflix. How does that feel? It's unreal. I mean, John Mulaney, who is one of the greatest standups ever and of our time.

You know, called me out of the blue on this. It's like, and I wasn't, you know, John Mulaney's in a suit. He's so polished. You know, that he would jive with someone like me. But again, it's about that compatibility.

You know, he just was tremendous. He put his weight behind me. This is the fellas helping. You want to be a good dude. This is the way to fucking do it.

And he got it done. And I showed up for him. I said, I'm going to bring all I can do is bring you an amazing hour of material. I got you got me. And I will not let you down.

And we went out there and we did our shit in one night. Were you nervous at all?

No, I was, I'm always nervous.

I mean, when you ask me if I'm nervous, I wake up nervous. Okay. You know, it's my baseline. But it's also an excitement. I'm very, I know how to chant.

Like, I'm just always a little bit of a nervous person. But especially nervous for this. No, it's always before I go on. As soon as I get on stage, I'm home. I feel like all the lights just me.

And I traips around like it's my living room. I feel so comfortable. It's all the beginning and the stuff around it. But as soon as they call me up and I got the mic and I know, I have some stuff to say and everybody just sit the fuck down.

We're going to get through it. I feel so at ease. It's almost like the talking to you or the small talk that I have to experience or the hand shaking or the small social gatherings that I'm more nervous than when I get on to that stage where I feel completely home.

People go, "Do you get nervous for an obvious big theaters?"

“I was thinking the other week, I'm like, "I think the bigger, the better."”

For like, "I feel amazing in these theaters." It's feeling so warm. It's feeling like an apartment I walked in. I turned the lights on and they worked. And the water is running hot.

And it's just a great spot. I'll take it. Everything I do, I just take seriously and I enjoy doing. So I'll continue, this is how I toil basically. How I do stand up, I write and I act.

And I'm continuing to do it on bigger and bigger scales. But within due time, you know, I'm working on my own show for HBO. Obviously a dream, but it's not to say that my first part on Hacks wasn't a dream. They're all part of the dream and they're all just, you know, snowballing into the, they're all just growing the dream.

So it's all good, I'll be on tour, I love seeing you guys in these theaters.

I've never felt more at home.

And it's also now. I think you know what I'm saying? I'm just dropping when this comes out, I think. We're dropping all the next, you know, Swag 2 of the tour, so to speak. Congratulations.

Yeah, thank you. So just doing just, yeah, just I live again, one of the greatest slides. I'm building on my life with Gabby. And we just, we just love it. So I really, I wish, yeah, I don't know how humble that sounds.

I'm just really grateful and I'm really thrilled. Well, I think we can all agree. You've done a wonderful job. I'm very, very nervous to be on this. Why?

No, because I'm not so familiar. I've no clue what's going on. I think you've done an excellent job. They said you would ask, pointed questions.

“I said, OK, I don't know if it's like, you know, who wants to be a millionaire?”

I'm like trying to get my facts away. No, but they said, you know, she can, she can be real. I said, OK, well, I'm going to, you know, I can't say anything other than what I said. But also, like, I wanted to just have fun with you. You're really entertaining person.

Yeah. I was excited to get to know. You have excited for my audience to continue to get to know you. I wanted to have a nice, we're in May, you know. It's unreal.

The weather is good. Yeah. I'm going to be a millionaire up. You're eating jelly beans. You finished your tea.

Yeah. You didn't drink the bag in front of me. Oh, no. Look at this. See, this is all part of the dream, actually.

We did it.

I'm just saying we're now on Caller Daddy.

That is all I'm saying. No, this was such a pleasure. You were so fun. Thank you.

“Your wife also was such an incredible host on our reality.”

How good was she? I know.

And people think I'm biased, but she's objectively good.

I'm asking others. When I would get the cuts and I would see her sections. We're like, this woman's a star. Oh, right. Because it was your, yeah.

So I'm in post at it, watching her and we're watching her different takes. And I'm like, how do you pick a take?

Like every take is amazing.

Because she was like, she was saying some shit. And thank God, you guys let her get away. I know her. I said to everyone, I said, if this is our host,

“you have to let her be Gabby and let her do her thing.”

Because you can't dilute it. To just for television. Make sure it's friendly. Like let Gabby rip because that's when she's at her best. I agree.

And when she was calling people perverts, I was like, they were perverts. You know, it's not, I wish they weren't.

“It's like, people ask me, how do I come up with my ideas for comedy?”

And why do I talk about it? I wish I didn't know of pedophilia. I wish I didn't know at fellas. But you have outdone yourselves. And now it's in my head.

And I don't want it there. So I bring it to you. We got to talk about it. Robby Hoffman on Instagram. We will be dropping the new dates.

Thank you so much. Thank you for coming, Alex, for having me.