OBGYN Baaaaby

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“Hey, Jessica, welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan.”

Hi, guys. Thanks for having me. Hey, Jessica, how are you? Oh, this is a dream come true. I'm having a great time.

Okay, well, you're masking it very well. [LAUGHTER] You do. I just pushed off his hours. And I was like, I took a per panel all too.

Some like beta blocker up, you know. [LAUGHTER] Well, great. I love my colors to be drugged up. That's the best way.

Listen, oh, it's Dr. I couldn't get these prescriptions easily. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Jessica, where are you right now? I am in New Jersey, like Jersey Shore, Mom with County.

Okay, very. And you are, it says here you're an OBGYN. Is that correct? That's right. That's the right, baby.

Very right, right. [LAUGHTER]

Is that how you always respond when people say,

are you an OBGYN, yes? Yes, baby. They're in stir-ups and I'm like, hey, baby. It doesn't go over well every time. Wow.

I'm a very specific type of doctor. I get very sick of type of patients. Yeah. Well, this is-- there's so much to talk about here. First of all, have we met before, because someone said,

you came to a taping or two back in the day? I mean, yeah, when I was in high school, I lived in Jersey. We would pop into the city. So I went to a lot of your keypings. Oh, wow, cool.

And yeah, I mean, obsessed. And then my mom has a ticket stop from one time we went to see you in 1999. Wow, cool. And we had met Fabio.

[LAUGHTER] That's you, baby. My. Yeah. I should point out Fabio was an intern at the time.

Oh, my gosh, yeah. Yes. And so we took this picture of us before, smartful, and so it was one of those throwing cameras. And then after my mom took the picture with him,

he grabbed my mom, dipped her backwards, kissed her on the mouth, and front of my dad. And then walked away. And then a month later, he got hit in the face with the goose on the roller coaster.

“Do you remember his face exploded on the roller coaster?”

That's such an incredible-- That's incredible. What an incredible sentence. I think about that sentence. He did my mom backwards, kissed her on the mouth,

and front of my dad. And a month later, he got hit on a roller coaster by a goose. What an amazing, incredible piece of writing that is. A series of images, cascading into each other. At the Limpoon, you wish.

You wish.

I never could have thought of anything like that in my glory

days. So OK, well, so a lot to, as my wife would say, there's a lot to unpack there. So Fabio was kissing women. I hope that's been discouraged on Fabio now.

I would have carried a spray bottle around Fabio and sprayed him like a bad guy. You would you spray him with-- I can't believe it's not butter. OK, that was his big campaign.

Right, that's right. He was the show for I can't believe it's not butter. I would have tunged it. You would have tunged the fabulous-- My mom, my mom would have--

would have. She was like, let's go. Then you're going to go full throttle. So I don't know what it meant him over backwards. It's going to probably--

You're here every time. So on his twice as strong as Fabio. Wow, OK, so that's so nice. I'm glad you came to the show. I hope you had a good time.

Was your dad traumatized by seeing your mom attacked by Fabio? My dad's from Brooklyn, so he wasn't having it. And I think my dad has some superpowers where he puts some sort of hex on Fabio.

“And then that's why he got hit by a goose in the face,”

like a month later. Have you-- This is a pretty famous piece of tape. I guess he was on a roller coaster. And his nose is bleeding and everything.

And yeah, and there he is bleeding. And it was apparently a Brooklyn goose. The goose was paid by your dad. And the upper scene, his face was here, Christine. Yeah, Christine.

Never again. Never again. So I want to talk to you about your profession.

You are, first of all, it's an incredible job to have.

You're around so many births. And you're bringing new life into the world. Tell us about that. Does it-- do you get jaded or do you still see the miracle every time?

I think the day I'm like, oh, this is not amazing. As a day, I should just hang it up. Every time I do an ultrasound, I see a heartbeat for the first time for a patient. I'm amazed.

Every time it'd be, takes its first breath and cries. I'm like, this is so amazing.

He's on paternity leave, yeah. He's on paternity leave. He's got two children now. And we're all excited for him. And so, of course, has experienced this miracle herself

with twins. Yes, yeah. But you've got over a real fast. I was just like, let's get on with it. Let's do this, get him out.

Let's go. I've got to hit the club. [LAUGHTER] She took her, and I'm all for that, too. Well, I only have one daughter.

I was one and done. And I feel like it's because I do so much with my patients. I really live through their pregnancy, is what them. And it's a beautiful thing.

I wish it happened during normal business hours. I think it's kind of a bummer that they like to come in the middle of the night, the babies. Pretty rude. Is it true that you've been accused of trying

to induce between nine and five? [LAUGHTER] Oh, well, that was a born-on. And it kind of bank holiday. They're not born.

“Everyone's like, oh, you have to go play golf”

or something? I don't play golf. Like, I'm here as this. But yes, so I wish it happened during normal business hours. It doesn't.

But I picked this when I was in my 20s. Now, I'm in my 40s. I'm feeling a little old, a little schleppy. But it's OK. I still love it.

So I'm curious, there's so many things to-- what are the things that you do immediately after the birth? What happened? The baby's born.

And I have been through this twice with my kids. I was there, very present, very present for both. Why do you emphasize this? It's something I saw so many things. And then it's so funny how you can kind of forget--

I don't know what-- you can almost black out afterwards. And so I'm trying to remember what happens. And yes, there's the cutting of the ambiance of the courts. The dads lack out a lot. They literally pass out.

I didn't pass out. I didn't pass out. Thank you. Thank you so much for that.

Because the dads are always falling down.

And we're always like, we don't have time for you right now. A little bit. It's just like, pick your-- Right? See?

Yes, smelling salts, like, come on. But the cutting of the court, yes. The dads like to do that. I'm not sure how that became a saying. But if that makes them feel included, I'm also right.

Well, it's so funny because I didn't ask to cut the court. But the doctor said, now you cut the court. And handed me the scissors. And I thought, well, I'm-- I get in pain here. You know what I mean?

Oh, my God. I'm sure it's when I have a plumber over. And he hands me the wrench. I'm like, OK, I want it. Am I getting a third?

Am I getting a third? So that was my feeling compensated. And I was so worried about the unions. I don't want it to be a union violation. Right.

OK. Yeah. So that was my third. So we tell the dads, it's thicker than you think. It's like cutting chicken.

Because they kind of like take like little bites out of it, but you got to really go for the gusto. It's thicker than you think. Yeah. But the baby goes right on mommy's abdomen.

We do delay court clamping. Get some blood flow back into baby.

We want you to that skin to skin for that first hour.

A lot of bonding. Our hospital's really about mom and baby bonding. And yeah, we get them to stimulate and cry and give us that good first. Really? How do you get them to cry?

You just tell them sad stuff. What do you-- [LAUGHTER] Yes, actually. I told them no.

Are you shocking number Americans can't read? Baby's like, what? I hold them up and spank them on the butt, but we don't do that anymore. 40% of government buildings have as best this. [LAUGHTER]

Great.

“That's why you just sometimes flick its little foot.”

Like underneath its foot, you go like this. Yeah. And it pisses them off. Sure. This is me off just here about it.

I know. It's all about pissing the babies off, getting them that good cry. But are we such a great team at our hospital? Our nurses are so great, bedside. So I'm very lucky.

And I do really love my job. [MUSIC PLAYING] What kinds of things could you teach me? You're very hyper-aware of the female body, and there are probably things, believe it or not,

that even I wouldn't be aware of. What? You know what I mean? And maybe this is a good thing. This is a good chance for me to know some things

if you can impart to me any wisdom. Well, I think knowing anatomy is really important, a rodginess zone. What are those? Things that could, right?

Well, man, we got to really start from the beginning. Just, I think a big thing that sometimes men don't know is that women have more than two holes. They have three holes.

So that's always interesting.

Wait, what are we talking about here? What are we talking about here? What are we talking about here? Wait, what? No, these more specifics.

“I honestly, suddenly, it's a bowling ball.”

What are we doing there? Yeah, you're me through one hole.

Huh? What's your name? You're a name? Peepies. Peepies, yeah.

Uh-huh. Peepies, poepies? Yes, of course. Right.

And then baby, come out of the vagina.

Yeah. So that's three. He scared of the word vagina.

“But it's the green, through all the vagina.”

You're red, through all the ines. Anis, right? So, no. We're going to use our doctor words. Yes.

I said, "Pee, be in poepies." Tell me about your medical school. Right? How did that even happen? I'm not sure you went to poopoo, poopoo you.

So, um, okay, so the origin of sounds, you could help any man know about the origin of sounds. Yeah, where the clitoris is. I feel like there's a clitoris. Like there's a clitoris. Listen, there's a book history.

As far as you can start, that's sassquad. You hear a lot of talk. But I've seen no evidence. Here's a blurry photo of a clitoris.

Yeah, I've seen that photo.

Look. You're trying to be talking bullshit on this thing. I am a clitoris denier. I, yeah. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, so I just, we have to have

misinformation online. We can't. We can't. Yes. Slatter, sirs.

Now we have clitoris deniers. So, I've got to have a, he's got a blurry photo from 1938 of a clitoris. Running between two trees. [LAUGHTER] Santa right there.

Yeah. No, no. This is taken by a Scottish hiker. Uh, wow. Okay.

Well, um, yeah. A clitoris denier. Oh. Wow. I could teach you how to do a circumcision.

Oh. Okay. Hey. How do you do those? I'm curious.

I mean. How do you know?

“How does one, what's the tool that's used for circumcision?”

I've been to, I, I have been to many dresses. Uh, and, um, I've many, many Jewish friends, and I've been to bristles, but you can't really see what's going on. And I've tried to fight for good look, and they say that's inappropriate. I've been shoved by rabbis.

Because it's weird when a guy is saying, hey, I want to see that kid's dick. People get freaked out. You know? Hey, let me in now. I got to see how kids dick.

People get freaked out. I don't know why. So, um, and I know that now. I can see why that's an issue. But what is the tool that's used?

So different people use different tools. I like to use something called a mogen. So it looks like a cigar cutter. And you just pull up the foreskin and you go across. And then you clamp it down and then you lock it off at the scaffold.

And does the kid cry a lot and after that? So no, we actually do a dorsal nerve block. So injecting light a cane. They get a sugar pacifier. We play music.

It's like a spot. So it's not traumatic for the kid. I mean, it might be. They can't tell me. But we try to make it.

Hey, how convenient for you? Honestly, they're the best patients. Yeah. The, um, that's interesting. So you do the old chop on the, uh, on the foreskin.

Then we have the colomari piece. I love it. Yes, love that. Yeah, that's your joke. That's my favorite joke to do at bristles.

It's to say, hey, man, that colomari was really good.

Because they always have a meal afterwards.

They always serve food at a bristles. And I say, I love the colomari. And then the person goes, we don't have colomari. And I go, oh. Now that joke works.

Cause he ate the foreskin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I'm glad you loved that joke. I'm glad you loved that joke.

I'm glad you loved that joke. I don't love to do circumcisions. Who would? If anyone said that's my favorite thing to do. That's a red flag right there.

You know what I mean? Yeah, someone I tried to avoid penis is. Be doing what I do.

“And then they're like, oh, you have to do surgery on the smallest penis.”

Possible. You know, so that's a little weird. I don't remember booking an appointment with you. Oh, my God. Homorun.

Homorun. Well for you, just didn't. Just didn't. He's well. He's so happy.

So let's do the chart on this conversation. I'm the guy with the smallest penis in the world who insists on checking out a kids' ticket of breast and doesn't believe there's a clitoris. Right. That's an ego in your tombstone.

Yeah. This is, I lay out, comedically, no one lays out more awful information about themselves than I do. I don't know why that delights me.

Because I do think in the modern world we get removed from, we get removed from birth and death. We've anesthetized ourselves to it.

And so it's amazing to just to be around so much new life would be, I think, very affirming.

Right. Be pretty amazing. And it just keeps going. You know, during COVID, we were delivering babies, nonstop. That does not stop.

So even though we felt like the world was ending, you saw that it doesn't. It just keeps going.

“Life is just going to keep rolling along.”

And it really grounded me and helped me to see that there's so many beautiful things happening every day. Even though it felt like the world was ending, you guys were a huge part of what got us through COVID, too. Just listening to your podcast was so important, kept us laughing, kept us going. And now that we're through that, I definitely have a deeper relationship and understanding with my patients. And I love what I do.

I love what I do.

I really do love my patients.

I get to practice where I grew up. So I feel connected to my community. And I'm very lucky. That's cool. I think it's great. I love that you were this teenager coming by checking out our goofy tapings.

And now I'm talking to you all these years later. And you're just, you're a very impressive person, Jessica. Really, seriously. And very, very cool to talk to you. And I love talking to people that have these jobs that are just so impressive.

“And as a woman, the relationship we have with our obese is such an important relationship.”

To be able to say whatever we need to say about our bodies, It's awesome. I mean, I love my OP. You know, it's awesome. I'm not crying.

My life is doing something weird.

So you're saying you don't have that relationship with me. You don't feel like you could tell me anything about your body. Absolutely. Do you want to hear about Perry Menopause? And like the symptoms that I'm having?

I don't want to hear about any of it. See, this is the problem. You don't want to hear about, the word China scares you. I don't want to, we're not doing this right now. [laughter]

“To quote my father, we're not talking about that right now.”

[laughter] Not right now. He would say that about any time anything came up. If he didn't want to deal with him, like, we're not talking about that right now. Oh, I guess we're not.

We'll just like a really lovely talking to you. And I hope we-- This isn't dream come true. You guys are all awesome. I hope we cross past in person.

That'd be really cool. And then we can hear more about this fabled clitoris. I can draw you a picture. Yeah. Might as well draw unicorn as far as I'm concerned.

[laughter] Thank you for your time. I'm an idiot. Thank you. Jessica, bye.

I'm a dream. Have a great one. [music playing] Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Sessian, and Matt Corley.

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