Taylor Tomlinson Returns Again

- Hi, my name is Taylor Thompson, and I feel (upbeat music)

“- Gob smacked about being Conan O'Brien's friend.”

- Gob smacked is good, right? - My second choice was Flomix, I'm confused. - I should've stuck with Gob smacked. (laughing) (upbeat music)

♪ Follows you in the old back to school ♪ ♪ Ring the bell, bend his shoes, walkin' loose ♪ ♪ Climb the fence, books and guns ♪ ♪ I can tell that we are gonna be friends ♪ ♪ So I can tell that we are gonna be friends ♪

- Hey there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend, Conan here, Son of Obsession. - Hello. - And, okay, business, wow, she's out for the kill. And, of course Matt Gorley, a little bit.

- We have exciting news, which is a Sona, you have a book out. - I do. - A new book, second book, second book.

- Second book, this is, this is incredible.

- Yeah. - Tell us about this book. - Well, my first book was called The World's Worst Assistant. - Yes, yes, I agree with the title. - Yeah, I agree with everything that you wrote.

- You wrote this? - Yes, yes, yes. (laughing) But that book was a big success. And, and really funny and cool,

now you're back for round two. And it's also about this book.

“- This one's called The World's Worst Mom.”

- Yes. - So it's pretty much carrying on with the same theme, I don't know what I'm doing. And at this time, the stakes are higher, no offense, but the stakes are a lot higher.

- Why do you think they're higher? - Because they're like humans I created as opposed to inheriting someone's own so an else's creation. - I just have an else's damage.

- Like you're Frankenstein, Frankenstein's monster. - Yeah, okay, I understand that. These are your progeny. - Yes. - These are your genetic bundles.

So you care about them more than-- - My genetic bundles. - No. - No, you're right. They're my genetic bundles.

There's not my kid. - That's why you call your kids. - I do. (laughing) - A genetic bundle.

Other genetic bundle, we get along great. - Yeah. - So what is the process of getting the word out on this book, Ben? - Well, you're not involved this time.

So as in, you didn't write the forward, it's not about my time working for you.

So this is like the first time I've done anything

that's just me and being a mom and stuff. It's very weird and very different. - And they're giant crowds that and they start chart charting. - We're Conan.

- Yeah, people give violence. - Yeah, good. - I guess what that's me and the crowd by the way. I put on fake moustaches and ladies bonnets. - You've called in both at the same time.

- Yeah, let's go down. I am bearded men. - But it's, I do realize, I don't like doing things without you. If that's cool, I'm just gonna write this.

- Well, we have a good time together. - I'm gonna write your coat tails for us. - Yes, but you've written a very, I've read this book. It's really funny. - Thank you.

- And the artwork is great. - That's tack. - I know. - Yeah, that's tack. And the guy who helped me,

because I can't do social media stuff. My friend Brad helped me with social media stuff. 'Cause I need help from other people to do things. But no, I mean, this book took me two years to write. When I first started writing it,

like I had my house and I lost my house throughout the whole process. So it's been really, it's been really fun. It's like a fun documentation of my time as a mom and becoming a mom. - Now, do you have to hit the road soon

and start making appearances in different places? - Yeah, tonight I'm at Largo with Flanie. - Oh, that's so cool. - Yeah, yeah, I'm Lori Kilmarton's gonna be there. One of your old writers,

also works with you on the Oscars. - Lori Kilmarton, one of the best comedy writers I know. - Yeah, and she wrote a book called "Shitty Mom." That came out a few years ago. - Oh, wow.

- So she and I are gonna have like a conversation at Largo, then tomorrow I'm in Seattle. And I'm gonna see your father-in-law. - That's right. You're gonna see Jake Powell.

- Yeah.

- Lysus Dad, who's an amazing human being

and a mean jazz guitarist. - Really? - And really? - Yeah, he's really talented. - Oh, I didn't know that.

- Yeah, that's cool. - So, that's so cool. - Yeah, let me see, I love Seattle. I love Seattle all the time. You're gonna live it there.

- I know, and then I go to San Francisco Menlo Park. And then I'm gonna see Veronica, my best friend, who lives out there. And then I'm gonna go to San Diego. And then that's it.

That's my jam, that's my tour. - And we did so much time in San Diego with Comic Con. - Oh, it's very matte tack. - That's right! - Yeah, Comic Con.

- That's right. Oh my God, I've just created your life. - Okay. - You really have. - I really have.

- Really?

“- Well, I mean, and remember it in a good way.”

- No, but it looks like so. - No, you're doing well. But remember how you meant Amanda at a eye-hat corner Brian can think of you. And that's the right new you, but you remember?

- And there were like tens of thousands of people there.

“- It was that's things, that's thing is so packed.”

- I mean, it's so big now that you couldn't even meet anyone. There's just too many people. These are back in the, like, the cool days when it's really like cool to be hating,

and they're kind of everyone doing it. So, I don't know. - Yeah, yeah. - Back then it was, like, really French. - It was.

- It was. - It was a hate cone. - Yeah, it wasn't a nice cone before it was cool. (laughing) - And so did Amanda.

- And Amanda. - Well, congrats. - Thanks, Con. - I'm proud of you, that's two books now. - I know, what's, so what's book number three?

- I can't do this again. - How about? - There's so many words. - Yeah. - You write a book.

- You write an author. - Oh, all these words. - It takes so many words. - The put them in the right order. - Yeah.

- I remember Shakespeare said that. - Oh, all these words. - How go it's King Lear. (laughing) - Words.

- Too many notes. - It's like he's Hulk. (laughing) Words, hurt, Shakespeare's brain. Shakespeare, why don't you smash.

(laughing) - Well, congrats, I'm happy for you. And I'm gonna, it's gonna be a great stalking stuffer. - Okay, yeah, for a mom in your life. - I know a mom in my life.

- Yeah. - Yeah. - I have both have a mom and a married to a mom. - Yeah, it's a lot. Being a mom is not easy.

- Yeah. - I know I'm saying something. - Looks like a piece of cake to me. - I know, I know. - All I know is that I'd go off to work

and when I came, well, everything was taken care of. Easy, easy. - It can't be that hard if you got time to write a book about it. - Yeah.

- Come on. - Oh God. - Yeah. - You should write a book.

Your third book should be all the things

that went wrong with your kids while you were writing the second book. (laughing) Just to them wandering into traffic while you're in the background. Words, words, words, words.

(laughing) - All right, well, congrats. - It is a good question. - It is a good question. - Congratulations.

- Well, it's worst mom. Run, don't walk to your nearest bookstore. - Or walk, if it's safer. - Right, you should run.

“- You should walk too, if it's just safer to walk.”

- Well, it's like pretty good mom advice. Maybe you learned a thing or two, yeah. - Thank you very much, yeah. - World's worst mom would say, run with your eyes closed.

- Yeah. - And there is bookstore. - And there is bookstore. - Yeah. All right, let's do this.

My guest today is a hilarious comedian. I really admire her. She has a fantastic new book out titled "Actually Nevermind", which is out now. It is a real joy for me when she stops by.

(upbeat music) Taylor Thomas, welcome. (upbeat music)

- I don't ever forget the day I first met you.

You, I was doing a tour with a bunch of stand-ups and they told me, oh, Taylor Thomas is gonna come in and because one person's cycleed out, you came in to join us and you show up and they told me,

Taylor's here, she's in rough shape. I don't know if you remember this, but you were. - I was really thin. - Really, which, crazy to get on a jet with someone as important as you fully ill.

Like this was pre-COVID, so it was like back when you were supposed to push through stuff. - Yes. - But in hindsight, that was so disrespectful of me. I went in full palm chant shake.

- Yep. - Just like on death's door like, "No, you can come in." - I like your stomach. - I'm gonna sit by the bathroom and play. - You were the, you were the palest.

- Yeah. - She was because you are beautiful light complexion but you had, you were, you looked like a corpse. - Yeah, it was tough. - You weren't saying much.

- Yeah, and you were like, "Hi." And I had not reached a point in my career where I could say no to anything. - Right. - There was no, like, take care of yourself.

You know, the longevity of your career is more important. I was still in a place where it was like, "We don't know if you're gonna be around in a few years." - Yeah. - You still, you still got to prove yourself. - I could have said to you, I'm concerned.

I don't think you should go out there but I didn't say that. - No, you should have said, you should have left me on the tarmac.

“You should have been, hey, I'm very important”

and I can't get sad. - I was after I met you my lungs collapsed. I had a fever of 140, which I'm told is a record. - No, but you were, you know, so funny 'cause one of your things that you've said about yourself

is you've been doing stand-up for such a long time and you've said that you just now think you're really getting good at it and I thought, well, that's insane because I saw you toured with you so many years ago

and you were phenomenal right away. And I remember the time thinking she's a kid. You were so young but you were phenomenal right away.

I think I'm getting the hang of this, is fascinating. - Well, the other thing about starting so young is people are impressed that you're young so that you kind of don't know. Like when I turned 30 people were like,

these stripes had been like, oh, you're a person now.

“Like, oh, it was like, you have to be good for real.”

Kind of. - Right. - And when you're young, you're like, am I just good for my age? Like, is that sort of influencing people's opinion

of how talented I may or may not be? And now I'm like firmly in my 30s and I'm like, okay, I think I've done four specials. I think I know what I'm doing

and to then write a book, which is something I've never done.

It was a real, a real good way to bring yourself right back down to zero and really humble yourself. And just you just kind of have to keep doing new things. - Yes. - That you don't know if you're good at or not, I guess.

But yeah, it's so funny. I was talking to someone the other day, I was like, oh, I was complaining about being young all through my 20s, like on stage off stage, I was like, I'm so bad at being in my 20s.

And now I'm in my 30s and I'm like, I'm not great at this either. Like, I might just be bad at being a person. (laughing) I thought it was the casing, but it's the meat.

(laughing) The meat of meat. (laughing) It's lacking as that turns out. - Well, I do want to congratulate you

because you have written this wonderful book called "Actually Nevermind."

“And also, I think of first on this podcast”

as Matt Goroly pointed out, minutes before we started. Everyone comes in and they bring a copy of their book

and it's always the same thing.

It's just the cover because the book isn't ready yet. And so I'm always like, oh, wow, Al Pacino, you wrote a book and he's like, oh, I wrote a book. And I open it up and inside it says, you know, I realize that it's a book

about a woman's menstrual cycle. (laughing) That they've just taken any book. Yeah, I wrote it. I wrote it.

(laughing) I knew when I first got my period. I was like, who are? (laughing) But I'm always blown away by like,

what fucking book is inside this cover? But you actually got your shit together, Taylor. Well, those just came in this week and yeah, the first, you know, sort of unboxing video I had to do where I was like, my book comes out was not my book.

It was just a cover on someone else's book. Yep. And so you're kind of like, hope no one can see me lying in the video that we're doing to promote this. And then I did like a real unboxing.

And that's also just crazy to be like unboxing your book and trying to have a genuine moment with your accomplishment. But also there's a ring light and you're like, what's gonna clip the best? (laughing)

What, how look, look excited but also moved, but also grateful. Yep. And just kind of, but also angles. Yep.

And it kind of ruins it. The need to turn everything into content. But it is important. Well, there's so much to talk about here.

I always like to start with ways in which maybe you and I

can relate. One is, you spoke for many years about your big head. Yeah. I have a massive melon. And that's why I love coming in here.

And this is some place where we can bond because my head's stuns people. There's no other way you guys can bond. This means a lot to me too. Okay.

Now about going into comedy, comedy, struggling with our mental health, boring, okay, we've got giant, giant craniums. And I think you like hanging with me. If you do like hanging with me, the only reason would be because my head makes you feel good about your head.

I love to be in a photo with you. I love to be in a photo with you for so many reasons. Hey, I got a good hero. Do you guys want to do one thing out like that? Because I've had some normal size.

No head. Yeah, let's hang out. Yeah. No. It's this table segregated.

No, I tell my friends to lean back when we take photos. I'm not kidding. I go with myself. Yeah, I go. I need Jillian back a little.

Come on. Just a little bit. It's not the most fun. Another area of intersection. You were not a class clown.

I was not a class clown. There's an assumption that people like us.

“I was not a class clown because and I think you can relate to this.”

I'm a class clowns don't really care what the teacher thinks of them. And they don't care if they get in trouble. I was the exact opposite. So I was so interested in comedy. I love making my friends laugh, but to me that was something that was reserved for outside

the classroom. Oh, yeah. And I always just sell people like no class clowns end up being killed in a motel

Like, that's what happens to class clowns. The guy that's going like, hey, I just set the clock back and hey, teach it. Oh, no, no, no. They all have that accent. They all have that accent.

They all have that accent. It's going on. But that's not a name. Yeah. It's so strange.

I know. But if you go back a lot of my comedy heroes you investigated. No, they were very quiet. Yeah. A rant.

So that was your story, right? Yes, but I'm surprised about you not being class clowns because you are so on, all, seemingly, all the time. Yeah.

If on is just like very friendly and personal, like you never seem to like shut down.

And you never seem to make anyone walk on egg shells around you. You know what I mean?

“Well, yeah, seriously, what do you, what, you guys can weigh in honestly about the normal”

heads tart. When I come in either giving him fodder for a bit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. In that way, we walk on egg shells.

Yeah. Well, we could use the teacher now. There's nothing to worry about. Yeah. He comes here.

There will be no cameras pointed, no microphones, and he's just making everybody laugh. Yeah. Right. It just, he can't turn it off. But it's like a gross.

I wasn't like that. I really did separate in my mind when I was a kid. I was ambitious. I wanted to make something in myself, and so I wasn't that person in a classroom.

But what about it like, PE?

Well, PE, I got huge laughs unintentionally. And she was not allowed to get me. I was like, I'll catch the sphere. Oh, oh, Lakadee, I've aired. Um, yeah, I, I, I, yeah, I, I, yeah, you know, pants still odd.

Did you get pants? I'd pants myself. I'd pants myself. I didn't get pants. I didn't get pants.

I was like, boomer. So I did not get tall till relatively. You can't have someone wearing knickers. Yeah. Yeah, you can tell they really walk on eggshells around me.

That's what I'm saying. Everyone seems very comfortable. Yeah, they are. They are.

“But I think you're what you were referencing, so is that if you reveal some slight thing to me,”

I'll never forget it. And I'll use it as a bit. Yeah. Um, and it's a little chilling. Oh, yeah.

Or if we were a shirt and we're like, we're going to be bold and we're this shirt today. Like, he'll zero in and make fun of us. You can't have any distinction with you. No, yeah. I can see a retro.

I see movement. Yeah. I see movement and then I attack. I mean, that sounds like middle school. Yeah.

Middle school. If you wore anything, people were like. Right. Who do you think you are today? Yeah.

Um, another thing we share in common.

You, the first time you got drunk was when you were 29.

Yeah. And I was about to be 30. It was like pretty close to 30, also. I was earlier than that, but it's close. Like, I did not.

I mean, I mean, I was in my mid to 27.

“I just didn't drink at all for years and years and years and years and then out of college”

for a bunch of years. And the people I was around like I'm my writing partner was Greg Daniels. His idea of a good time is, you know, let's grill that broccoli a little. Um. And drizzle doble oil oil oil oil oil.

Just a little. Oh, it's these all. It's thicker. I ran with this crowd that when so we were like Mormons. Um, predominantly Jewish Mormons.

Uh, and yeah, I was in marching band in high school. I was in marching band in mock trial. Yeah. So it was like playing in marching band. Clarenet and then Trump it.

Wow. Yeah, stupid. I was bad. I fake my way through. Really.

Every show. You just run into the uniform. I did. I just wanted that to blow. Okay.

Oh, no, I did. I did band from like fifth to eighth grade because I had to my dad made me. And then all by the time you get to ninth grade, all your friends were in band. You're like, I got some in band forever. Unless I want to start over socially and I'm not good. Yeah, I'm only funny quietly sometimes.

So I can't go out there trying to make new friends. Right. But yeah, I don't know. I was going to, why don't you have a memoir yet? Uh, I've been asked to do it.

And I'm just not high enough for you. Nope. Just wait till now. Waiting for a couple of people to die. I've actually thought of calling my memoir.

I waited until they died. That's really good, actually. Yeah. That's really good. There goes the last one.

And here's the scoop. No, I do want to write down because I do have an insane. I have an insane show business story. Um, which is all about my. How I got a show initially.

It's one of the most improbable show business stories of all time.

And I think younger people just think, Oh, that.

That guy's been around forever. And as you know, it was just a crazy story. How I got into it. And so I will write it down. I, when you see people writing about your career.

Because I feel like a lot of people written about your career. Are you kind of like, just wait, I'm going to do it. Or are you, do you ever read it? Do you ever read a lot of stuff about myself? Yeah.

Do you? No, no, no. I mean, I don't. But I'm far less significant and talented. So I'm not.

It might be different. Wrong and wrong. Wrong and wrong. Wrong and wrong. Don't, that's just whatever.

That's your crazy table. You're very humble. You're very humble. No, no. I'm being honest.

There's no difference. There is nothing in me that's not in you. And there's you don't look at these things because they don't serve you. I, I really trust and love the people that I work with. And I know they're going to tell me when something's gone off the rails.

But I don't go looking for it. Oh, we should have done that by now. Not you. Not you. It's not you.

It's talking about Adam Sachs. Okay. And my account. Um. We live in a very, it's a strange moment when we're in right now.

We're trying to figure out the internet. Um, mankind has been around for hundreds of thousands of years and then in the last millisecond. We suddenly know what everyone thinks. And it's not even what they think. It's what they're just putting out there.

So you could read through all your comments and the nastiest comment about you. Would be by someone who doesn't really care even that much. They just want to get, get likes on the comments. They want to get some traction. Yeah.

“You met that person and said, did you write that about me?”

There's a really good chance that go like, no, I just, I mean, I really like your specials. Yeah. You know, so what's the point? Yeah. I also think after you put out enough things or do enough things publicly, you just learn that people will say the wrong thing to your face.

Meaning well. So you're like, why would I go looking for mean comments when I can't even take a compliment from a person who cares about me? Right. After, like after you host the Oscars, were was there like specific compliments you want on your performance? Do not care where their things you both said that you like, no, I really wrong.

I really care, but it's just always so.

And even when everything's overwhelmingly nice, the thing I hear a lot, I don't know if you've been around with me so no one I get this. But I got a lot for years was women would say to me, you're so much better looking in person. And I would just thought it started to think, am I a monster? Am I like an orc? From, you know, am I this goblin?

But they really would act like that I really thought you were funny despite your, your face. Okay. No, you don't even mean, but that's how you take it. Take how you take it. Right.

“But that's what I would hear is I would think, and people would say, how come you don't look this way on TV?”

And I got in my head about it for a while. But that's everyone, right? Like everybody looks better in person. I think so. Yeah.

I agree. But also it's the way I don't know if your brain works like his does, but you immediately go to like a negative idea. I did take any. So I was like, today show was great. Well, what about the other shows?

Yeah, that's the big thing. But on that comment, people do need to learn how to compliment without having the, there be this opposite version of it that you can read into because that that is a well thing to say.

You know, it's, you know, you realize you've put yourself out there in this very personal way, which is there are so many things I never cared about that much.

I just didn't care. I think a lot about of being a great athlete. People misunderstand, yes, it's called physical talent. You need these physical abilities. But there is another part of it, which I think is huge, which is you need to passionately care about where the ball is at any given moment.

And I didn't like I was like, oh, I guess it's going over that way. No, someone will get it. You know, it's coming my way. I'm supposed to do something like, well, okay, I don't think I have great physical skills, but with that attitude, I'm not going anywhere.

Yeah. But the thing I cared about more than anything else was being funny. And so that's where everything went. So is the meanest thing someone could say to you?

“You're not funny, or is it not that because you know you are?”

It took a long time, but I think more lately, it's been so shockingly late in my career. But, you know, if someone said to me now, like, you're just not funny, I be like, well, on those people are that I seem to pay the rent rate.

You know, I would have more of that attitude, but I didn't. I wasn't able to do that in 1993, '94.

“I feel like, well, what do you think I could get better on?”

No, that's how I feel too. Like, well, I have stuff. I have evidence that some people think so. It's more subjective. It's how I feel about it.

Yeah. And then certain. But then all also, I'll spin positive comments negatively. Like something lately that I've been spinning negatively is when people say, you know, like the book or your specials like, "Oh, you're so honest."

And I'm like, "What? But was it good?" Yeah. Like, was it funny? Yeah.

Because to me, honest is like easy, but it's not easy for everybody to be honest. It's not easy to share things about yourself and get deep and go deeper with people. And so it's taking me a while to kind of accept that as a compliment

because my initial reaction is always like, "Oh, you're saying honest

because you are trying to think of something nice to say but you don't want to lie is how I initially took it." Isn't that interesting? We're horrible people. You know, I mean, I'm taking stock of the silence right now

as everybody agrees with me. Yeah. Because everyone's going, you know, honest is a rough one to get it. Like, I'm even over analyzing the conversation I have about it. I'm going to read a quote from your book, which is,

and what I love about, you're writing as you, you pack so much into like a paragraph. And this is from the opening of your book. In the last 10 years, I have rebooted my whole system countless times. I thought I would graduate college and become a teacher.

I dropped out to pursue stand-up comedy. I thought I'd get married. I called off an engagement. I thought I had anxiety that could be cured by the right exercise regimen and greens smoothie recipe.

I got diagnosed with bipolar 2.

I thought I would never come out as queer.

I fell in love with a woman. I thought I could digest dairy. I cannot. [laughter]

“Everything you said here, the only thing that angered me”

is that you cannot digest dairy. That angered you. It angered me too. I think you're not trying hard enough. [laughter]

And it's so upsetting because I look like I'm from Wisconsin. [laughter] I have resting more cheese, please, thanks. There were cheese companies that so want to put your face on the label. I didn't have for yogurt drink.

I know. And during COVID, I had to do like a socials ask where they're like, "You do have to take a bite of the yogurt." And I was like, "That will mess me up." And I was like, "Well, it's Greek yogurt."

So it's easier to digest. I go, "You think I haven't tried every fucking yogurt?" You think I haven't turned every stone over to make sure. And I have, I truly have tried. And then once you stop having it, you're like,

"Oh, this is the normal amount of diarrhea that happened." Per year. It's supposed to be weird. Your supposed to get to the end of a day and be like, I had diarrhea.

That was strange. Instead of getting to the end of the day, it didn't happen. You go, "Whoa." What's in the air? When you're getting high fives because you didn't have diarrhea,

there's an issue. There's an issue.

“And I just thought, "Well, that's what happens."”

You would get hallmarked cards on a diarrhea free day. There's so much there. What I love about that paragraph is that so much of your book is in the paragraph. You don't even have to finish the book.

That's what's great about the paragraph. I just said that paragraph. You don't have to buy the book. That's the whole book. First of all, I did not know.

You said you got diagnosed with bipolar 2. What is bipolar 2? It's just-- As opposed to bipolar 1, I don't know. I mean, it's a mental illness.

I was just as kind of never heard of bipolar.

How deep do I got to go? The way I understand the way it's explained to me is bipolar 1 is mania, as opposed to hypomania. So you're going between depressive episodes and manic episodes. But mania is more intense.

We're usually requires hospitalization. You're speaking to God or people are following you or something like that. And hypomania is more reckless decision-making and behaviors. And all the increased energy and no sleep and all that. But it's not quite as severe.

Right. So I think it's just the less intense version of bipolar 1. Few all the comments being like, you explained that wrong. I get so scared to talk about anything that I'm not an expert on, which is everything except you.

Yeah. Anything except Gilmore girls. I'm like, I misspoke. [LAUGHTER] Gilmore girls, you're confident.

Yeah. I'm excuse me. The gazebo was on helm stream and third. [LAUGHTER]

But yeah. [LAUGHTER] I have this. This is resonate with you. I actually talked to my daughter about it.

But I say I think a lot of growing up and getting older in a good way is you finally find your owner's manual. And it doesn't mean you don't have issues, but any great product. I mean, you can just an amazing product comes with an owner's manual. And it's a lot of this can do.

It can chop dice carrots at 3000 revolutions a second. It does. This amazing thing. You're flipping through it. And then you get to the page where it says, keep in mind.

Here are the issues. You need to clean the blade constantly.

“Because if it's the steel that we use, you need to do this.”

Has a tendency to overheat. Don't put it in sunlight. You know, all those things. And I think that for me and it sounds like it's the same thing for you.

A lot of it was just, oh, here's what I'm really good at.

Here's the stuff I have to watch out for and my tendencies. And I'm familiar with my owner's manual. Just kind of how it feels to me. And it feels to me like you had so much success, which to me feels like very early in your life,

but you have worked so hard. You've had a lot of success, but you also have a lot of stuff in your owner's manual that says, Look, the Taylor Tomonson is amazing. And here are the things that you need to watch out for.

Need sleep. Can't have dairy needs. You know, you messed up the system pretty easily. Yeah, prone to this, prone to that. And take care of those things.

But it's an amazing product. But just here are the things that you need to be aware of. And I think if more people accept, that's one of the things about getting older that I like.

You know, getting old is a,

gets a bad rap, but I've been very pleasantly surprised at how much happier I am when I know. Oh, I know what I'm doing right now. Yeah. I'm doing the thing where I'm digging this hole even deeper

when getting into a funk, you know? And you get a little distance.

“Yeah, there's like an acceptance, I think.”

And I think your 20s or at least my 20s were just sort of untangling all the cords inside my brain and heart and going, "Okay, what am I working with here?" And what are the things that I'm going to have to work on the rest of my life or keep an eye on the rest of my life?

And it's like, it's something I think about a lot with dating where, and I'm kind of talking about it on stage right now, is like, in my 30s now, I'm pretty, I could argue four or against me. Like, I have a very active view of myself,

and I have a lot of things I'm confident about, and a lot of things that I'm like, yeah, that'd be a deal breaker for me too. If I was on the other side. And sometimes they're the same thing.

Like, I love that I'm a stand-up comedian. I love that I'm so honest on stage. I love that I have turned, you know, personal things about my life into relatable content. I could also see why that would be not attractive to somebody.

And I always thought that when I got to my 30s,

I would be just so confident. And so, I'm amazing now. I've reached this peak of who I am.

“And actually, it's just accepting your strengths and weaknesses”

and going, yeah, they coexist and that's fine. And the right people are going to love me and the wrong people won't. And it's fine. Yeah, yeah. I don't know.

That felt too sincere. No, that's actually honest. That's really good. And then you had to ruin it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Clip it right before I went. That only was cool shit. I do have a question because we were talking about your Harvard commencement speech, which I listen to and it was great.

But I was surprised that you hadn't done that yet. Yeah. That seems late. I know you did. Class day, which I did a class day in 2000, which I really liked.

Well, long time ago, to do a class. That's, they had, they took 20. Why don't you come in? No, no. It's why don't you come in.

It's, I'm, this is me criticizing Harvard. I was good. I was so crazy to make you wait so long to do the commencement. Yeah. I was like, looking at the list and I'm like, well, yeah, of course,

you got to have the Obama's before Conan. I get that. But like, they had Tom Hanks before he didn't go there. And they had Sasha and Melita before. Yeah.

[LAUGHTER] They had the Unibomber before me. [LAUGHTER] Like was it? Hey, because his key has done it twice.

Was any part of you like, guys, I went here. What's taking so long? Well, to be fair to them, OK, did the class day. And I guess that, that went really well. But I saw a lot of time has to go, because you can't--

Class day was like--

Is that the audition for commencement?

No, but class day is the speech where you're sort of-- It can be more comedic. Yeah. And, you know, there's-- I think it's students.

It's more about the kids. So they had me do that. OK. And then I did something for them during-- The pandemic, during COVID, that did something online for them,

because they said the kids are all bum. They have to leave. They're having their virtual graduation. So I did that. Yeah, and then some more time went by.

And they thought, let's get that old fool back. Yeah. Because I saw that come up, and I go, how many times does Conan done the Harvard commencement? Surely it's been three or four by now.

“It's a big-- I mean, I can understand why you should it wait.”

Yeah. I'm putting you in a terrible position. No, no.

I understand why they do it.

Because you can't like this. It's a real honor to get to do that. You should just do that. Such an obvious choice for that, though. Well, for such a long time.

He did Dartmouth. I don't know. That was what-- That was what-- If, like, having done Dartmouth, like, they were, like,

we were going to ask him. But now we're going to wait. Well, you should have done it before Dartmouth. Yes. I mean, I don't know.

Did you lead it Dartmouth? No. No, no, Dartmouth. I did research. I was really--

I didn't think we'd be having this conversation. You ain't going to tell me this is going to start a-- Probably talk about the history of my commencement speeches. [LAUGHTER] I'm like, how was it doing that?

Overdo honor. [LAUGHTER] You're taking shots. I didn't finish school. I don't care.

I don't care what I do.

“I don't think so much better in person on the cut podcast.”

And why did you make you wait? Listen, I am a poster boy for Good Fortune, and I just happy it all went my way, but you're right. [LAUGHTER] Let's get back to you.

Let's get back to you, because there's one other thing I want to bring up that you talk about that I totally agree with, which is birthdays isn't adults. And how you're just totally against the idea of adults making a big fuss about their birthday.

Are you a big birthday person? Really? Birthday month. Birthday month. And it's coming up.

And we all have to do her bidding when it's her birth month. It goes on forever. People, you know, I am no spring chicken. And sometimes friends will say to me like,

"It's your birthday's coming up. We're gonna do." I'm like, I'm gonna get closer to the grave, I guess. [LAUGHTER] But I feel, I'm not gonna put on a paper hat.

But to me, it's just at the most, if I can have dinner with my wife, and a glass of wine and a good pizza, I'm happy. Yeah, but I try to work on my birthday, so I forget that it's happening.

Now, with the other perspective, it's on a recession. Yeah, this is what my, here's my thought about it. It is an excuse to see people. So it's not even like, by me dinner. Let's go to dinner, because there's like,

I don't even have to mention it's birth month, but I'm celebrating for myself. But they should know. They should know it's forever. But you're a bit of a tyrant about it.

I'm not a tyrant. I'm not a tyrant. I'm not a tyrant. I do, on the first of October, my birthday is on the 13th.

I am, I do text my friends and I'm like, "Bird month, everyone, what do we do?" And I am the one that's like, I think if you do care a lot about your birthday, you do need to give your friends a heads up.

Yeah, I think that's very considerate. But I don't expect them to pay for dinner. It's not like I'm just expecting all this free stuff. I just want to see people that I haven't seen all year, and it's a good excuse to see people.

And you're giving people the month to make plans with you. I think that makes a lot of sense to me. I thought it was like, and so on has this big blowout.

And it's always Wednesday at noon.

Right in the middle of the week when no one can come. And she says, "If you don't come, you hate me, and I'll dox you online."

“Like, that's what I was picturing during the tyrant speech.”

No, no. But that seems okay. Here at our little company and our building, we started to group birthdays. So there's not a cake for each person.

E.B. waits. And when it's usually about two, and sometimes three people, when their birthdays are all within about two weeks of each other, then there's one cake. Yeah.

And that makes singing the song complicated. It's going to use names saying for sometimes I don't know the name at all. Oh, okay. Oh, I'm sorry. Like, I'm supposed to know that person.

Um, happy birthday, valued employees. He birthday random blood bag. Happy birthday to you. That never goes over well. Well, I'm sorry.

Oh, it's play. That's his name, play. Hi. I'm sorry. I called you random blood bag earlier.

It was huge impact in your life about your mom passing away.

How old were you when she was eight? You were eight. And you say that after your mom died, you immediately started preparing for your own death. Is that true?

Yeah. Yeah. I think so.

“I think afterward, and I didn't really put it together until I was a little older,”

but apparently it's a very common fear when someone has parent die young. They assume they're going to die at that same age, or they're going to die very young as well. And so I had that fear. I mean up until very recently and kind of still rears.

It's ugly because I'm not 34 yet. Um, which is when she passed. And so yeah, it's just this weird thing you live with. Um, and when I started writing the book, I mean, I pitched the book as like,

oh, it's going to be personal essays about all the things I've changed from mind about because that's literally everything. You can write about anything. So when I started writing the book, the way I did it is I just had, I scripted her open and I just made different chapters and titled them by like subject.

And then I just wrote kind of everything that was significant about that subject. And I was like, what do people need to know about me to contextualize these other things I changed my mind about? And I kind of worked backwards. And I was like, oh,

“the two biggest things from my childhood that you need to know are like,”

I grew up really religious. But first and foremost, and it's why I started the book with it is that my mother died very young. And that I realized has had such a ripple effect throughout the rest of my life and who I've become and the decisions I've made. And the opinions I had and the way I approached big life decisions and the things I thought I had to do. And for better or worse, right?

Like, I talk about pretty early on in the book. I think about how my mom was like a really great writer. And I have some of her writing in the book because she kept journals for whole life and it was like this way of publishing her.

And it was so cool to have editors be like, wow, your mom was this amazing writer that's so wonderful.

And I, I just feel like I have scraps of not just her, but my dad's talent as well as like a performer. And neither of them became performers or writers. They became parents. And not that you can't be both, but that was their path and my dad taught and my mom was a stay home mom. And so I have spent my whole life sort of feeling like, okay, I have to make the most of the scraps of these gifts that these two very talented people have.

“And I think I've stretched them pretty far.”

I think I've done a lot with a little bit. But it really is like, even down to like, I talk about calling off an engagement in the book and realizing through that process. Like, oh, I wanted to get married for reasons other than, oh, I really love this person. Like, I was trying to get married really fast because I wanted my mom side of the family to know that I was still like, maybe I didn't necessarily wasn't the perfect Christian or anything, but look, I'm married and I'm doing that correctly.

And my parents got married young and so I feel like I should get married young and like all these different things that all of it can be traced back to losing her or growing up, idolizing her and wanting to be more like her or feeling insecure about the fact that I wasn't like her because my mom was such a charismatic, sparkly, like, beautiful woman and it's just, I don't look like her. Like, I really don't have, I don't have that magical quality that she had. And so I feel that it's just such a waste that she's not here anymore, that if I have any bit of it, I'm like, why have to, I was watching David Cideras on Anderson Cooper's podcast.

And he was talking about how he, in writing about his mother, um, because they were talking about how his mother died, that he felt like it was his job to make the world love his mother as much as he loved her. And that he felt like she deserved the world love and that's really how I feel about putting my mom in the book and the cover you were asking about it when we sat down and I gave you it. The, the photo is actually a recreation of if you look at the dedication, it's a photo that I talk about in the book of my mom sitting in the airport.

And it's on the dedication page, um, because I dedicate the book to her. And so from like the very beginning of the process, I was like, oh, well, I would love it if the cover was a recreation of that photo. And so that was like, my initial idea, we went through a lot of different versions of the cover. But that's what I, so that's your mom. That's my mom. Yeah, it was just, yeah, she looks like, I think she's going on like a speech and debate competition tournament in college.

Like she's, she's, she's much younger than me. I know she looks younger than me, but cool.

Um, and then the cover is also like we had an amazing photographer.

Oh, wow. Yes. Isn't that crazy?

So it's like really kind of amazing how it all came together.

Um, I went on such a long panel. No, no, no, no, no. Do you use, you talk about that? We'll tighten that up. No, we're not tightening anything up. We'll tighten that up and post. We can't afford that. We're going to use this for, we want to edit you, but we're going to look at you.

We're going to add longer pauses and air in there. Yeah, we're going to add some sniffles. Some coyote sounds here and there. Oh, we're going to add a few, who's still going in the background. Yeah, just muddering, uh, not what times. I'm just going to hear something.

Oh, my birthday about this coming in. It is. It is your right, September. You talk about how you kind of feel like you're performing for, not just your mom, but your dad, too. You're, yeah, which, which, you know, my parents passed away about a year and a half ago,

“but I remember before they died, I remember thinking, well, why still do comedy after my parents are gone?”

Yeah, that's kind of the only reason. There's a very primal reason you do it, which is during your high chair. Yeah, my mom said I got a big laugh like in my high chair.

And my mom laughed really hard and her brother, my uncle said,

"Don't laugh, you'll think he's a comedian." And that was like in whatever. Nineteen sixty four or sixty five. That's a real good energy, by the way. Don't laugh, I have no thinking something. Don't believe me.

I know. But you get that. It's, I do think at the end of the day, we're still, I don't care. You could be ninety five years old. You're still trying to impress your parents.

Yeah, I think. Yeah, and I mean, I talk a lot about my siblings in the book and I have three younger siblings. And I'm really trying to impress them all the time. Yeah. And younger siblings are, I mean, we're all very, very close.

But they're so great because they really support me, believe in me, are excited for me. And they also know me so well that they can roll their eyes at me at the right moments, too. And they're being a lot. Come on.

And you are a lot. And I am a lot. And also they can go, "Hey, slow down and enjoy this because this is cool."

“So that I think they keep me very grounded in a way that is just like,”

I'm so grateful for it because I think it's, it's so special. So yeah, I keep thinking of other questions. I want to ask you, but they're nothing to do with my book. And my publishers will be mad if I'm just like, so toy story five. [laughter]

Why do they wake up so long to ask you? [laughter]

Why not first toy story, or toy story two, or three?

[laughter] And that is bullshit. [laughter] As a matter of fact, I know I actually do have questions about that. Because Toy Story is very important to me.

I love Toy Story. Okay. And so when they asked you to do it, was it like no brainer of course you're going to do that? Or were you like, "Let me look at my schedule?" Are you kidding?

Well, they came to this building. And they came in person? They came in, yes. Oh, the toy. What do you buzz came?

The dinosaur was rude. You would never.

“But we, they came up to my office, which is not big.”

We're sort of in like a house. We did it. You're a man of the people. [laughter] It's a small office.

It's a very small office. And I was just happy to be asked. So I had a little candle. And I took them a staircase. And there's a mouse at the top of the chair.

And they came with a piece of cheese. So we went to my office and they laid out what the story was. And it's Toy Story 5. And here's your part. And then at the end they went, "So what do you think?"

And I went, "What do you mean?" What do you think? It's Toy Story. I like they properly pitched you. No, I pitched me, but I thought you don't need to pitch me.

You just have to say, you play a urinal cake in Toy Story 5. And I'd be like, "Yes, okay. It's just yes and." But yeah, it was a big part. It was not a cameo.

It was a roll. Yeah, it was really fun to do. Come on, Roll. Come on, guys. No, that was dumb.

That was dumb, cut it. No, cut it, please. No, loop it. Loop it. Loop it.

Loop it. Loop it. Move it up. We're gonna open with that. So.

Taylor, congratulations on the book. Yeah, yeah, what do you toy story? Yeah, what do you toy story? I'm roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll, roll

If I could make a kid laugh, that is my biggest joy.

“My daughter loved it, and I forgot to tell you this, you know, when she came in and we did our summer spouses thing and we left.”

I said, "Well, what did you think? Did you like that place? What about my boss?" And she goes, "Does that man live there?" (laughter) My boys are just discovering that you're funny, and they're just like, "He's funny." And I'm like, "Yeah, you made a whole career out of it," but they don't know that, you know, to them, they're just the voice of smarty-pants.

Yeah, it was fun, it was fun, because when I went to, when I saw it for the first time, and it was an insane experience because they invited us all to this premier, and then Taylor Swift. Yeah. Is it the premier, and suddenly I'm chatting with her and getting my picture taken, and I'm like, "D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D, Taylor Swift, that's crazy," because I didn't realize she was going to be there. And then I'm watching it with your boys, and the only time I became in rage is when they both said they separately need to use the bathroom at different times in a minute so part.

“You were in the middle of the aisle. I walked in front of Conan and Tim Allen to take him to the bathroom, then I come back in the other one a few minutes later.”

There's like, "I have to go to the bathroom." During your part of the movie, during the whole movie, there was like the movie was happening, and they just both needed to go at different times. Yeah. I thought you were going to say it was during your scenes. Oh, that's true. They made some of it. They made some of it. They made some of it on Conan. Yeah, it was my... Because they had the, you know, and Tim Allen was furious. He had a stick, and he was trying to hit them.

He never opened that thing. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's not a cane. He's not holding himself on. No. It's a weapon. It's a stick. It in no way. It's his mobility. This is typically for poking kids. That's the stick poking. All right. We're going to have to wrap this up because we've gone to epic lengths here today, and I'll tell you why. Yeah, sorry. That's the right. Because you are an absolute delight. You really are. You know that. And I am, you know, I say this sometimes to much younger performers like yourself. And I just say,

I'm really proud of you because you are such a good person. And you've been dealt a lot, and you've handled it beautifully. And you've written this beautiful book. And I'm just delighted to know you Taylor. Seriously. That's really nice. Thank you. And just keep, you know, mom, dad. They are

proud of you. You've done an amazing, amazing job. And just keep doing what you're doing and take care of yourself.

That's so nice. Thank you. And I have been dealt a lot. And one of the things I have been dealt, is we've talked about before is when I went on tour with you, you made me choose between two American girl dolls. Yeah. I did. I told me the other would be melted down. Yeah. I said it would be killed. You said it would be killed. And you didn't kill it. That was nice. And but that was pretty formative for me because I was an up and coming comic again. You're one of my comedy heroes. I'm

being put on the spot. And you know, I'm going to giant tour bus in Chicago. In Chicago. And we pulled over. I know we talked about this before, but pulled over and we got these two American

groups because you said you never got one. So we got two of them. And then I made you choose and said

the other one would be killed. And I didn't have American girl money back then. But I'm doing pretty well now. Conan. Okay. What? I thought that made me today. We'd make you choose an

“American girl doll. And what happens to the one I don't choose? Wouldn't you like to know?”

Well, I am not sure. It's not when she was eight. Oh my god, it was. That doesn't seem like three years. Well, she's stand on her own. Some more me than you. I love this. You can get acquainted. And I brought you their books. Because I know you have a rental. I love how there's a back story to these. Yes, there's there's a series of books. Okay. This is the first of Kirsten and Molly. This is Molly. This is Kirsten. Yes, these are OG American girl. I remember the yes. Yeah, I remember I very vividly

remember Molly. Yes, me too. Molly was just this this tablo right now is just disturbing. We should like choose. And we we had to assemble. I mean, they came like Molly didn't have our glasses on when they came in the box. And the way my sibling and I freaked out when we thought she came without glasses. They were in a little case. We opened it. We go, what? We can't take her in without her glasses. We were furious. But then we found it and it's okay. You got on the phone

and it was recorded and you were screaming profanity. I'd an American girl call center. What a fool.

on a small ship from Sweden in 1854 to make a new life in America. And so that's her and that

“you you will never forget it was 1854 because she comes with a little thing. Her her successor. She”

comes with were a bonnet. This little 1854 thing and it wouldn't spoon. Which I thought was strange. Yeah, because she's not. She's carrying flowers on the front of the road. What a journey it took.

It was incredible. We thought that was an interesting choice and then Molly. Molly is what's very

funny about the back of Molly's book we're reading it today is and it's on the website as well is it's in 1944 and the world is at war. Oh yes. And the first half is about how terrible it is and then it's about Molly's homemade Halloween costume is a huge success until her pesky little brother plays a mean trick and you're like, wow, they really went from the world as at war to Molly's costume needs to be done. Where is she living while the world is at war that would be an

important detail of American real. Yeah, she's not American girl. Yeah, not in the tunnels of

it doesn't say it on the back. I should have looked that up. I did I do have it somewhere. Well,

she's got it. I mean, she's she's she's I live in a good life. She's not living in Berlin. You can tell I mean,

“she's a privilege. She's not she's a privilege. No, I don't think she does. I think she's more. She's more”

norm. I don't know why I'm done by us. Okay. I have my answer. Are you already know? Yeah, oh, I knew. Oh, this is what made me like Molly. She's not very good at math. Yeah. Like God, this is me. This likes turnups and is afraid to swim underwater. Okay. So that's Molly for you. Guess what? This is a really tough choice. Can we guess who you're going to choose? Yes, I would love to know what. He's choosing me. Oh, because they're going to be a contrarian. No, he's thinking he

relates to careers. Yeah, but she's a woman. Can I say something? Yeah. It's so clear. Listen, you've tied a long journey. And you've got to wouldn't spoon, but that's not a fun toy. You know what I mean? It's just no. No, it's not. It's not. I have a wooden spoon. I don't care. Her duration is like she's burdened by helping her mother. And where does she come from? She comes from. You come from

Sweden. Why did you leave Sweden? You guys make it in just incredible stuff. You've got a beautiful

country. You get to bike anywhere you want. Why is he talking to it? It's unbelievable. You like me. I've got to get out of this shit wall and go to America with my spoon. You fucked up. Yes, fucked up. Get it. Oh, my god. Oh, yeah. I would have picked Molly too. Yeah, she's got glasses. I love an accessory. She's got this is great. And look her purse. Very smart little purse. You can keep things in there. She's just the right age to be the bad seed. Yeah, exactly. Well, they're all nine. Okay. Oh, are they

“aren't nine. Yeah, they're born nine. They're born. They're born. They're born. Are we not?”

I lied. I'm actually fantastic. Born in San Francisco. All right. She's going. What's that? I was like, I lied. I was born in San Francisco in the 1884. She's a Republican. Please matching Kirsten. Oh, yeah. Look at that. That's so cute. I have the boxes to if anyone wants to put them in a box and take them to a kid. Well, no, I mean, I don't think it's 2026. I don't know all child daughters. Yeah, I'm sorry. This Molly lives here for the rest of her days.

She's got to be in the studio and the corner. The Terry style, whoever you're talking to. She's way back here. She scunnels along the ceiling. It is her editor. She scunnels on the ceiling. You once forever. She just goes along the ground. Also, just be talking to someone and having a really intense conversation. And then just comes up in the background. Can she do the wrapping of motion? You know what? Thank you. And what's the name? Do you

still have your dollar? Did you shred? Yes, Samantha. Did I shred it? She had an American girl shred it. She had an American girl shredder. They make them. I did. I said, oh my god, thank you so much, Conan, then they took the cameras down and I went, all right. Well, one of my favorites. Do was that good for you? One of my favorite remotes that I ever did that people talked to me about all the time is American girl doll store where I got drunk where I got drunk on white wine.

that I really am talking to the doll. I'm not even doing a bit at that moment when things got weird,

“I really, the doll would took over. And I don't know what else to say. It was real. All right,”

actually never mind amazing Taylor Tominson incredible. Please come back soon. Come see us any time.

And I'm really happy for you. Thank you for having me back. This was so nice of you to have

“me back on. That's really what you like. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien,”

Sonom of Sessian and Mac Corley. Produced by me, Mac Corley, executive produced by Adam Sachs,

Jeff Ross and Nick Leo, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Avivina.

“Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer”

Samples, engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britcon. You can write and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of

SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com/Cone. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are done with you.