The Body Politic Part I

>> Conan O'Brien needs a fan.

Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com/call Conan. Okay, let's get started. >> Hi Grace, welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan. >> Hello there, nice to be here.

>> How are you Grace? >> I'm very good, how are you? >> Well, lovely to meet you, and you look fantastic. You really do. And I want to, there's so much to talk about here because it says on my

“little piece of paper here that you are in Bristol, England, is that correct?”

>> That is correct. >> I was in London, I about a week and a half ago, so sorry, I missed you. >> I'm sorry, you missed me too. [LAUGHTER] >> This is a sound sorry at all.

>> Yeah, you seem, [LAUGHTER] >> You seem quite pleased that you dodge the serial international creep, now I don't know much other than it says here that you are a body modification assistant. I know nothing about this topic, talk to me about I see that you have

tattoos, but what is body modification include? >> So I'm actually a tattoo artist, but when I was coming up in the industry, I was a body person who then met a body modification artist and became their assistant, and body modification in the realm that I'm talking about would be things like tongue splits, scarification, sub-dermal implants, the removal of

certain things, yeah, kind of just coming up in the alternative scene in

Plymouth where I grew up, being into punk music and stuff like that, I was always seeing

these heavily tattooed and pierced, like singers in bands and stuff like that, and it very much inspired me, and it got me kind of wanting to learn more about it. And I was always fascinated by it, and I was always wanting to get certain things done, like I was dying to hit my tongue split when since I was like probably 14, 15. >> Well, talk to me about that, let's start with tongue splitting, because I don't know

anything about that, I know that people can get a piercing on their tongue, but I didn't know about a tongue splitting, what's that? >> Is this going to show you? >> Yeah. >> Yeah.

>> Oh my God. >> Oh my God. >> Oh my God. >> That is. >> You have a forked tongue.

>> Yes. >> I can't believe a thing you're saying. >> What, so that's for appearance, right, that doesn't, it would give your tongue more surface area.

“>> Yeah, so like, your tongue is to separate muscles, so that's why this bit works so well,”

you can move them into completely, but yeah, it makes great, like, I can pick food out of both sides of my mouth, it's like, oh my God. >> And you can stick your tongue out at two separate people across the room. >> Yeah. >> I'm definitely going to eat it.

>> Good point, yes. >> It's not cool. >> Yes, it is. >> Yeah. >> It looks like it's not cool.

>> That's actually really cool. >> You know what? Many times I've wanted to stick my tongue out, but I have to choose which person to do it. And they're usually on either side of a room, yes, some distance from it, and this is the procedure for you.

>> That's exactly why I've been done. >> That's it. There must be some ways in which it's inconvenient, like, maybe not, if they're looking

“ice cream, is it, is it, is it, do you must taste more ice cream?”

>> No, because there's not taste buds on the inside of your tongue, right? You're not getting new taste buds, are you? >> Well, probably. >> No, I played exactly like my taste, nothing was different apart from the fact that these two things in my mouth now move independently, but honestly, it felt very freeing to get

my tongue spinning, like, as soon as it was done, and I started moving it, I was like, oh, my God, it feels like my tongue has been in a vice this whole time. >> It changed your speech at all? >> So I did have a slight list when I first got it done, and I had to kind of train myself to not have one, but it wasn't like severe or anything like that, but it's kind of all

dependent on the person, but yes, it's, it was something I always wanted done from a young

age, and then I got a piercing apprenticeship in London, and the woman who was my mentor, she was like this radical, you know, heavily modified Polish woman who was terrifying, and she basically was able to facilitate that for me, because she was like the gatekeepers of what he modification for me, and she opened the door and introduced me to people who could facilitate all these sorts of things, you know?

>> So there are so many things you said you've done something to your belly button, what

I removed it. >> How do you remove the belly button? >> I didn't know you could do that, so what are the, is it just smooth there now, there's no sign of anything ever having been there? >> Yes, exactly, like a barber doll.

“>> What did you do with it, yeah, what happened to him?”

>> I actually said, so I'm 37 now, and I got it done when I was like 1920, so what I did was I took it, dried it, and set it in resin, in a heart shape, and I gave it to the boy that I found see that the time, oh my God, you know, that's a mafia death threat. That's right up with a fish in your mouth, but yeah, oh my God, when you guys broke

up, no, I never got it back, oh my God, you're belly button, you know, it's so great.

You guys break up and where he breaks up with you and you go to his door and you're crying you and I want my belly button back, yeah, I grow a friend once demand the sweater she knit me back, because we broke up, and so this is the same thing, yeah, it's a fucking pot. >> Yeah, you also had your eyes tattooed purple, are you talking about the iris of your eyes?

>> Yeah, so, oh my God, how do you do, wait, I don't understand how that works, your eyes are purple. >> Why have you not been grabbed by the government for being an alien? >> Well, I'm actually moving to America at the end of the year and it is one of my my fears.

>> Trust me, it's not going to be your top fear grace, plenty of other shit going on here right now. >> You'll soon forget all your modifications, so you've got, so I balls are tattooed purple. When they do it, it wasn't necessarily painful, like the procedure, because it's done by injection,

“so imagine that the white part of your eyes covered in saran wrap, that's what you guys”

call it, right? >> Yeah, yeah. >> Well, you're all ready for America, don't worry about it. >> I'm ready to go. >> I'll just learn Captain Crunch in yourself.

>> Yeah, they put imagine your eye, the white of your eye, has this kind of clear layer over it and there is like a pocket in between that. Whether the ink sits, so it's done by, yeah exactly, there you go, they basically inject around the eye, I've had 12 injections in each eye, and it spreads out, like the little bubble of ink kind of forms on top of the eye, and then within an hour it starts to dispers and spread

out. >> So this is no way affects your vision.

>> I have never had any issues with my vision, but I'm not going to sit here and say that

you know, there's no risk, there's massive risk, and people have gone blind, people have lost their eyes. I was the assistant of the body modification artist who invented the procedure, so I was assisting a lot of eyeball tattoos, and I loved the way that it looked, but I obviously was a little bit cautious about how risky it was, being young and dumb, and after a while I was like,

"Fuck it, let's go." >> Yeah. >> Can I go? >> Yes. >> Yes, we can always have it removed.

>> Okay. >> And if you go to a foreigner, yeah, exactly, the "Fuck it" is now being given to my girlfriend. Okay, so these are the, you do piercings, you pierce ears, you also pierce nipples. And you pierce women's genitalia, but not men's genitalia. Is that correct?

I feel like this is a trial, by the way. >> I know.

“>> Yeah, the way you're asking it, your doctor, is that very square?”

>> Doctor, Lecter. >> No. >> It's not true. >> [LAUGH] >> Object argumentative, so you pierce women's, say it, say it, say it.

sacred spaces. Oh, God. Yes, I pay as clistresses and ladies. There's no evidence. There's a flitterist. No. I'm a clitterist and I are. I'm on record. Oh, you don't think that they exist.

I'm just never seen any evidence. Listen, Grace. You don't want to go down this road with me. It's not pleasant.

No, so, um, but you don't do women. You don't do penises. Is that right? So yeah, I started over the piece when I was a teenager and I learned to do everything. My my mentor taught me how to pierce everything and I did that for a few years. I worked in

it's a great place, but because of it being a central London and being so next to, so, like,

“I worked on Wardle Street, which is really close to where all the fetish shops and the”

sex shops are. Sure. We don't get it wrong. Love all of that. But because of that, we get like an influx of older gentlemen who would like to get their genitals pierced. Interesting. Yes, I was happy to oblige, but then I noticed a pattern where there was just like, you know, they would get a piercing and then it would fall out two weeks later and they'd come in and be like, can you put it back in for me? And then it got to the point where it's like- Oh, oopsie,

doopsie, it's far out again for the piercing. Oopsie, oopsie, you know. I'm done with that. Yeah. I'm pure female genitalia all day, every day, all day long, love that. Because that just feels like a bonding system moment, you know? Sure. Yeah. I mean, I'm saying, sure, I just don't know. Yeah, I'm going to be honest with you. I have to be honest with you. I don't know. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, bonding system. How does much as all of this cost? Is it expensive? I imagine, because I don't

have- When I get my eyes dyed, I don't want to go the cheap route. I want to get the best person is all of this expensive. So, body modification is definitely more expensive than like piercing, and because it's more high risk. But when I got all my modifications done over 15 years ago,

“so it's probably a bit different now. Like I paid 250 pounds to get my tongue split. And I think”

that's probably pretty cheap compared to what the going rate is today. Yeah. But yeah, I think I think the eyes are at least a couple of grand. I'm not sure. Yeah. I didn't pay for mine. I wouldn't do that. I'll do it for $20. Yeah, you're going to do it for $20. Okay, well, that's no one's going to go to you. But would do that. I'll split your whole face for free. You're going to be a penis. He's feeling a penis is uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's back it up. You split,

you can split at penis. He's flacking out because he's interested. Yeah. Yes, you can split a penis. Why? But I don't understand. I know where you understand. You can see. Let's go through the levels. There are levels to this shit, right? Okay. So, level one would be, imagine the head of the penis is about their cape, right? Yeah. And obviously you have the urethro, which is the center of the cape. Yes. And then you have that seam that goes down the back of the head of the penis. Yes. Right.

So imagine you are cutting the first slice of cake. Not, not the one too. Just the first cut.

Cut down that seam and expose the urethro. Right? So this is the penis. Okay, okay. And you expose the urethro. Okay. Then level two would be either exposing the whole head or continuing to expose the bottom of the urethro going down. What's the purpose? You end up with two penises. Well, some people who go very extreme with it do, they'll end up with this. Oh. But I'm sorry, just this naive, but everything then still functions.

Yeah, how do you pee if the urethro is just dangling in the wind? And can you have sex with two women across the world? We're going to get into that. That's it. Now we're getting that back. You are enough to me. If you know, the bigger the enough to me, I'm guessing the more that we can do with it, the more opportune there is. Right. So if you can get fancier with a bigger cake, you can do more. Let's talk about the smaller cake. Maybe, well, not even a cup cake. One of those mini cup cakes.

You know, talk about the mini mini racist piece. Oh, my god. You can't even get one candle on it.

Um, what do I have? I've never had quarters with someone with a split penis, but from my understanding

it's talking to people. You can once the penis is erect, put it together, and insert it.

“No, you gotta probably play with one side because it has to. It has to, right?”

Yeah, it has to the urethro. No, it's a good body modification artist. They will split the urethro. No, double urethro. You get two streams when you pee. You get no streams. You basically pee like a, oh, you'd have to sit down. Okay, for like, you're right, say the gusher because it would slow everyone.

Why should you not go right down the middle so that you still have a urethro and you pee off out of one and the other one's just for fun. You know, because like, hey, you go and you urinate and I'm gonna get to work over here. The penis is talking to each other. Yeah. Okay, that's cool. Hey, buddy, I'm going over. I'm gonna use a urinal. I want you to go check her out. No, right. But you know, you guys sit down to pee for a treat sometimes, right? So it's like,

you're just treating yourself all the time. No, I don't sit down as a treat. I don't know that. I mean, that's not life. If that's my big treat, I give myself. Let me go sit down to pee. I haven't been happy for eight years.

No, I've never done that as a treat. No, I don't think men sit down to pee. Yeah, not typically.

“No, no, no, no, no. What's maybe not a new ass, but in the UK, that's how they treat us.”

National past time. Yeah. God save the queen plays every time you sit. Oh, it's tough, week. I'm gonna take a treat. Uh, sit down. No, cool. You, okay. You have suggestions. It says here for Conan and Sona as to what we should have done. What would you have me have me do? What should I? What if I

came in grace and I said to you, Grace, what's your suggestion? What would you say? Well, because of the way you look, I feel like you have a bear with Ken vibe, like Kendall vibe, you know, bit of a Ken and Barbie vibe and Ken doesn't have any nipples. So I would say like, why don't you just elevate your Kenness and remove your nipples? Okay. So just smooth. It's be smooth there. Can I remove? Can you remove nipples? Yeah, absolutely, especially not really something that's done on women,

because you have a higher chance of getting my slightest, but with men, it's very easy. So, okay, step one, both nipples go and I give them to Matt and Sona. Yeah, once they're, of course, appropriately dry in a kiln. Okay, what else? Let's go to town. I will have my belly button removed as well, because if you're gonna go, Ken, you might as well go all the way. And what do I, what do I

“do with my Don Johnson down south? What would you have me, what would you have me do with that?”

Well, in my experience, the more conservative looking the man is from the outside, the more extreme. Yes, I got, I got Kings. I got major Kings. Exactly. So I think we go like full, whole hog, cock and ball torture, full penis split, and then a transscrotele with, uh, what's a transscrotele? A kind of mil steel ring in it. Okay, well, that's gonna hold me up at the TSA. What, uh, what is, what is the transscrotele? And that's the only downside I can see. Right,

sure that you remove your keys, I did. But I have two penises, and I have a bicycle lock, jam through my scrotum. Yeah, could that be the problem, sir? Or instead of having a transscrotele,

so we can get rid of the metal, we could always insert an extra set of testicles into your scrotele.

That's being generous. I'd settle for you. Yeah, I'd say anything right now. She's a Christ. Uh, so, so just one clear, that would be a split penis, so if two of those,

“and then this, the mechanism, the apparatus goes through, uh, both testicles. Is that correct?”

So, you know, what happens is your scrotum is like this, right? No, no, no, no. Okay, so, so go ahead. So, I'm sorry, I'm really trying to understand. So, the scrotum, yes, I understand. And what? In my kitchen, you're little eggs to the side. Yep. One each side, right? Yep. And then they cramp the skin, and they basically drive a scalpel blade through the testicles, and then, you know, like the plugs that people have in their ears when the stretch

the whole thing is, it's sensitive that. So, you can have like a big stretch hole going through your

scrotum, but imagine, like, a big metal ring going like through. I've never imagined it. Yeah.

I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you something, this whole time that you're describing that, I'm gripping my hands together. I just noticed it. So tightly that there's no blood in my, I'm literally this, this is what I'm doing. I'm gripping my hands together, because when you say, you shove the testicles to either side, and then, did you have the same reaction that you drive, uh, you basically take out a black and decker drill, and you go at the, is it the taint?

when she was, when Grace's describing what happened. I don't think I can, I don't see the purpose of

a split penis. I just don't. Well, they're boring. I feel like, I feel like I'm also boring. Like,

“I didn't know we could do this to our bodies. Okay. I think it's really cool that we can.”

No, a lot of this sounds really fascinating to me. I have no problem with them. I'm talking

about me personally. So if in your single days, you got it on with a guy, you met at the clubs,

because you, you know, you had a, you played it fast and loose. And um, okay. No, and it's very good healthy, um, powering way. Yes. But it's time to get to town, uh, the guy drops his pants, and um, suddenly his penis goes, you know, one goes east, one goes west. Uh, would you,

would you freak out? And east one is going, pick me, pick me, pick me up. Could we rubber band it,

“and then just insert it together? Or do they when they get direct? I think I think Grace was”

saying it just naturally comes together when it gets erect. You know, I would want a series of clamps. I would insist on a series of clamps, uh, rubber bands, um, and the occasional use of Elmer's glue. I would maybe a gasket. Yeah. But interestingly, before you answer that, let's make this a two-parter. So come back next time, and we can talk more about this. That's great. Grace, Grace, you are the gift that keeps on giving. Do you mind staying on a

“little longer? Do you stay on a little longer? Do you stay on a little longer? Grace, is that all right?”

Of course. Yeah. Yeah. Here's the one that you need me. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonom of Session, and Matt Corley, produced by me, Matt Corley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Lea. Incidentally, music by Jimmy Vivina, take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples,

associate producers Sean Doherty, and Lisa Burm, engineering by Eduardo Perez, get three free months of series XM when you sign up at seriousxm.com/Conon. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a fan wherever find podcasts or down.