Michael Bernoff: Why Capable People Stay Stuck (The Language Fix)

For some reason, they don't follow through. Most people try to change their lives through their actions. In my world, there's problem-based communication and solution-based.

The second you talk in solution,

and not in problem, A) you're more attractive and B) it triggers a different part of the brain. It doesn't go after cortisol. It starts going after serotonin, which is the neutral transmitter,

that makes you feel like you're making a good decision. Work hard and be a good person. That's a shitty plan for a business owner. [music] Dude, so I found a question on your website.

I was scrolling through and I found this question in it. It grabbed me and it's where I want to start.

“Why do capable people not get what they really want?”

I'd say capabilities was wonderful. We look at a lot of people at a very capable. The zimmersine capable people and people that have actually done the thing before. And a lot of confusion comes in. We look at people, Ryan you've been frustrated by somebody going,

Dude, what's wrong with you, man? You've got more gifts to me, you're totally capable. Why are you not doing that? How many times have you said that? Hundreds.

Okay. So this is where the confusion comes in in the world. Most people see capability and possibility, and they confuse it with somebody that actually has experience doing the thing they've done, because the difference between confidence and competence are two very, very different things.

So I come across people all the time with all the bells, all the whistles, all the know-out, all the pedigree. And for some reason, they don't follow through. And I would say 95% of it is. They've got all the exterior stuff that you see.

But it's what's going on inside. The little, the wheels going on in here. They need a little WD-40, they need a little lubricant to get them going. And the way that they're running their mind and the way that they're running their vision of their life is radically different than what you see on the outside.

So I'm talking philosophically right now. But I am going to tell you that language, what's going on on the inside,

is the part that you and I never see unless somebody gets to talk about it.

And that is the determining factor where there's somebody gets there or not, is how they talk about how they communicate with themselves about the thing they want. And I guess ideally how they communicate with others. So when you say running their mind and using language, you're talking about like negative self-talk, like, you know,

not talking about themselves, I saw a clip on Instagram and I thought you did amazing job of this. You were speaking in front of an audience and you asked a question in the woman spoke negatively, but positively about a team member and negatively about herself. And instead of addressing the actual question that you had asked in the positive about the team member,

you focused in on the fact that she was talking negatively about herself. I thought it was phenomenal. Like why is that one, why do we do that?

“Like why do we actually have this negative talk track where we want to so easily talk about all the things that we don't do well?”

And why is that, how does that, like programs are brain, right? Yeah, it's, it's pretty interesting. So the way the way our, the way our programming works. And I've spent 25 something years obsessed with. I'm an ADD guy, I'm an ADHD guy, I've got KGBC, I got it all, right? I have every, every type of thing that makes you an entrepreneur.

And for years, I couldn't figure out like what would stop me, what would stop other people. And I came across the positive and negative thing. And I'm going to say that's rookie personal development. It's better to be positive than negative. Let's just call that like the rookie stuff.

That's, that's, even baseball, you and I talk baseball. That's, let's get a fastball, let's get a little curveball. When we start talking knuckleballs, sliders, and we talk about like precision. Like the people in your audience, they came here for this. We start getting past positive and negative, and we start talking about what's being effective.

And what most people do is they've got a form of communication that was a really, really good idea. A while ago, like I'm going to tell you, Ryan, before you had kids, you had some really big plans for your life. For my correct amount saying the kids get in the way, but you're like, oh my god,

I'm never going to, you're in college, I'm never going to stop doing this again.

Oh my god, I love this, got to party with the boys every time blah blah. And then eventually, your life changes. And what once was a really, really good idea, isn't so much of a really, really great idea anymore. So what happens is, for most people is,

they say, here's what I'm going to do, and they give very vested in it. And it seems like a really, really good idea. I'm going to make seven figures, make six figures. I'm going to build a company, I'm going to hire some people. This is the best thing I can do.

And we start building an identity around it. And our unconscious mind starts protecting what it is that we already created. So what's fascinating is, let's just say you're a line two player. And you really want to be on line one. Like, and there's a difference in pay grade.

I'm just going to tell you, like, the difference between the CEO, the only, like, George Steinbrenner. Okay, and my hero growing up done madingly very very different if you disobeyed myself in payday George Steinbrinner in the this day of he was alive billions and

“And then the baseball players a match out 50 million bucks a year whatever it is there's a big gap, but if you want to go from”

First line for give me second line to first line or first line to Hall of Fame

You remember going to kindergarten a first grade. What's the first grade you remember in school? I remember kindergarten

“I remember the letter people. Yep. I remember that. What was the letter people was that so I went to Avril Park”

Elementary school way out in Rensler County, New York and They had these blow up letter people that had faces and stuff and that's how they taught us the ABCs fantastic So tell you ABCs Before fifth grade how many of them sat down and ask you this question? What do you want to do with your life and what kind of life do you want?

Do you want to get the question? Yeah, so we were judged in school by about fifth grade. They started giving us tests. Do you remember tests? Test was based on a concept of how well you memorize Information for a short period of time and then you will be judged on how well you memorize information Not how good you were on how well you were like so let me ask you how many classes did you take between kindergarten and fifth grade on memorization

Yeah, okay, how many did you take on dealing with pressure for tests?

Joe, so they asked us to be good at something, but they never taught us how to be good at it

That's right, okay, so now it's backtrack. We expect that we should be good at something that we've no experience being able to do Now if in kindergarten they would have said what kind of life do you want and I'd say I probably would have wanted to be like a male man or something I don't know I'd look kind of cool back then or want to be a baseball player if they wrote a script

“On how to be are you a Yankees fan? I am okay. Would you like would you grow up watching?”

Jeet who jeeter? I like jeeter. Yeah, I like jeeter I grew up Kevin Moss was my guy as a kid Dave when field and a few years older and all these guys and they's a great you want to be Dave one field Here's the script on our talk like Dave act like Dave deal with things like Dave But very few of us have actually learned how to talk like to others and do ourselves

Like the person we need to be so it's like that movie with

Randomly go out Liam Neeson you remember the movie taken? I do. Yeah Paul's a Messiah The kidnapped his daughter and he's like I've got a unique set of skills and when I find you I'm gonna kill you He didn't say yo bro. I got some things. I'm gonna get you dog. He didn't say that He said I have a unique set of skills and that crazy accent when I find you I'm gonna kill you the audience immediately buys in and goes

Got it and who this guy is I'm all in with them because most people try to change their lives through the Actions 99% of it is your perceptions how you see you in other world sees you see people see a rod is a winner people see People see like Nessie as a winner world cop, right? I expect him to do good

“He expects himself to do good and he can handle the pressure correct?”

Yes Here's the deal can the competent person handle the pressure and do we expect them to be good and they expect themselves to be good So if they expect it we expect it and we're both on board and they have the script well We got a home run, but one of those three things are gonna be off and that is what I found for most people It isn't positive thinking it's learning how to communicate with yourself and others as that person

Yeah, so you know what's funny? I was uh, so my kids I told you before my kids play baseball and My older son Like throughout his career has had a hard time with hitting it's a good player. It's hot and cold all this kind of stuff and I know He struggles with you know positive self-talk confidence, whatever So we're watching the Yankees game the other day and I don't know how closely you watch jazzed

Chism but every time jazzed chism walks from the on-deck circle to the batters box He's talking to himself talking to himself and they are a reporter asked him one time. What are you saying? And he's got he's like I'm not gonna tell you exactly what I say But I have a talk track that puts me in the mindset so when I stand in that box I am literally the best hitter in the world at that moment. There is no one better

I'm the perfect person, you know, but like setting his brain up so that when he steps in the box He's not going I hope I get a hit right? It's how far am I gonna hit this ball right? Am I gonna hit it to the moon? Am I just gonna get it over the fence like it's a completely different mindset? And I was trying to help my kids up into your point They are not unless almost as a parent you train them on this stuff. They get none of that skilled development early in life

We have to and a lot of it comes down to how we language things So I want to go there because I would bet a majority of your audience has kids and Or their uncles and aunts and they have people they love in their life or even teammates and This is where a lot of people go wrong is we set up environments that don't work have your kids and I'm gonna call you out on this Ryan Have your kids ever said something was hard?

Yeah, but let's give an example. I'm gonna show you something that if you do this for the rest of your life You will recondition the people in your life in a short period of time as long as you confidently say it So I want you to tell me something that somebody told you was hard. You could pick your kids. It could be your wife could be yourself

So I had a startup company. I started in 2020. I started at seven days before COVID didn't know COVID was coming

“Oh, you didn't know I had everybody told me. I like woke up that year. I'm like dude”

We're gonna have this crazy BS this year and they're gonna tell me I can't leave my freaking house. Come on. Nobody knew Except for the people that knew except for the people. I knew I'm gonna say Some people knew it was coming Yes, they did yeah, that could be a whole lot of podcasts. We did have my guess some people knew it was coming I was not one of them, but I was told even before obviously before the COVID hit and the chance that came with that

I've just told look like you're 40 years old This is gonna be a ballbuster like starting an insurance agency is incredibly difficult You're doing it this unique way no one's ever done before so there's no road map like you're gonna get your brains beat in

You don't have enough money like basically everyone in my life told me like don't do this

You're gonna get the snack kicked out of you and you're not prepared on and on and on and all those things I Did it anyways, but yeah, of course you did so When someone tells you something is hard whether it's that or you

“Get your kids say calculus is hard dead hitting a fast balls hard. How do we normally respond to them Ryan?”

Oh That's a good question. Let's just pretend I'm your kid. Let's play listen folks if you've got people to one on your team You want to be better sales people. You want your assistant to be better with AI you want people to win We've got to change the way that we communicate. So I'm just gonna call everybody out. So let's let's let's play a game. It'll quick So let's say you're son

We'll take it. We'll take hitting so that is a hard hit a fast ball yep and what I would say is that's something You just need to accept like that's that's a feature not a bug hard hard I go if it was easy every every kid out here would be doing it and You know success wouldn't look like three out of ten if it wasn't hard. It's supposed to be hard So let's just accept that it's hard and move past it. That's probably what I would say something like that

So you did what we all do you give unsolicited coaching correct? That's right. Yeah

“Yeah, how much do you like honestly? How much do you really like being coach when you didn't ask for it?”

Yeah, zero. Yeah, I'm not a lot of money to coach and I'll be at dinner table in a mastermind with wealthy people

My buddies billionaires people making $100 million companies do they don't want to be coached?

They want to be empowered. They want to be inspired and they would love a new way of looking at things So I'm gonna give you a really really better option that I will I know please do so watch this Your son says to you hitting a fast bull's heart You look at him and go actually. It's not it's harder than you'd like it to be See when you add the ER career. It's motion hard is like

cement boots in the channel. You're not getting out. You know you drop the mafia style you end dropped in the New Yorkers You and I you get dropped the river cement shoes. I need anyone nowhere. It's a it's an anchor But if you say harder It adds in ER. It's a possibilities calculus hard or it's harder than we'd like it to be So one creates an opportunity here right there. Well, that does get the mind to look at things differently

Our job is not to beat it in deeper or to tell them you'll bro. You can do it It's to get him to see it differently perception leads to reality. So I don't think a lady tells me divorce is hard I say actually. It's not it's harder than you'd like it to be and Okay, you're right. I would like it to be easier great and if you're interested in finding ways to make it easier That's one thing's changed because in my world

There's problem-based communication and solution-based solution-based communication is the form of communication Where you walk into a meeting in your company and go. Man, we got a problem Dude, nobody wants that meeting. Do they Ryan? No Elon Musk today could be like we got a problem a space X is down 30%

No, here's something I'm very interested in solving and I wanted to have a meeting about it The second you talk in solution and not in problem A, you're more attractive and be a triggers a different part of the brain It doesn't go after cortisol It starts going after serotonin, which is the neural transmitter that makes you feel like you're making a good decision So why I'm bringing this up and the importance of this is is that we as

Leaders and parents two simple responses stop leaving people saying just go do it and just go push harder If they were going to do it, they would have done it

Number two is it's just it's not hard. It's harder than you'd like it to be and if you're willing to do things different you can solve it if not it'll always be hard

So we've got a this logic from the brain is hard It put in a different category and then the second piece of this and I'll just throw it at you as this is like you ever had anybody do something really great Yeah, how do we usually respond to somebody who does something like oh my god like that was so good Oh my god, Ryan, I closed the end million dollar deal or daddy. I got a home run Yeah, good man. So I always go like this. I said of course you did that's what someone like you does

Because all the girls were attracted a Tom Brady now because of his playmaker not because of good looking guy Because he has the same thing ever great quarterback had jeeter hat jeets had that grin You know the grin all the ladies like jeets because he had that grin that grin is a Serotonin leak like I know I'm great and part of that is conditioning ourselves. We don't need a pause

“That's what I do so don't program to do tell I am so instead of waiting for mom and dad to say I'm proud of you”

Imagine we told people they should be proud of themselves think about right? No, yeah I will say I do I am I do push that message to them, right? So like I had a mentor that helped me When I was early in my leadership career coaching sales people and my sales teams

And basically what he said is make them proud help them be proud of themselves

Whether you're proud of them. I know who this guy is he's my hero because I've been printing his for 20 something here Yeah, so the car ride home. It's funny. I I use the kids as a microcosm a lot of times for coaching adults and stuff You know in the car ride home. I try I try my best not to break down any part of the game other than just saying Hey, were you proud of yourself today? Were you proud of the performance you put in the effort that attitude if the answers yes? Let's go home and get some snacks and go to go have fun, right?

Like if if you're not proud of something then we can have a discussion around why that might be but if you're proud of yourself But whether I'm proud of you or not I say this a long time. I'm your dad. I'm gonna be proud of you

“Regardless what you do, but it's it matters to you what matters is whether you're proud of your effort and so I I do have that one”

Kind of you got it so like I would say the Ryan the show blows up goes great because viral got a clip You'd say did Michael the clip on viral. I'm gonna say of course it did sort of got like you does and you see that face So you the head went up that's not just a yes that is a pride mechanism setting off one more trigger Or I could say great job Ryan. We did it we got a thousand views That just that last 45 minutes. That's nothing

But if you in your brain is like dude, that's what I do you reprogramming yourself so back to your first question from 20 minutes ago about capability

Most people are fully capable. They don't believe they've never seen it

They don't believe it. They've no context for it. They've no concept for it They've never done it. They don't believe other people believe them. They don't see themselves that way They see themselves as wanting it. They don't see themselves actually having it. Yeah Do you know what was life-changing for me so in in 2017 I had a health scare. I was grinding on a on a startup business

We were doing well, but it was 12 16-hour days sometimes. I was not taking care of myself I was drinking too much. I wasn't working out. I had no like Process for decompressing all the kind of stuff and I'm emceeing an event second day closing keynote I'm about to go out and introduce the guy who is closing the show and I pass out back stage right to the floor sack of potatoes so

I get home a couple days later from the conference and I'm like I'm at the time I'm like 35-ish 34 somewhere in that range and I'm like I should be able to get through emceeing a two-day conference without passing out like this is a problem So I started this is really when my We'll call it self-development Physical fitness journey. I kind of lost all of that for my college days in the ten years of having kids and getting married and lost it all

And I was like no, I'm not going quietly into the night and becoming that humped over my back hurts You know pop belly dad like I'm not doing that. Yeah

“So I came across Jordan Peterson, and this is gonna be slightly out of context, but I think it relates and I'm very interested in your take so”

Someone asked Jordan Peterson Do you believe in God because a lot of his work was around religious texts in the biblical corpus and all that kind of stuff and at the time today He would tell you that he does but at that time he said I act as if he does I Act as if he does because what I've realized is that I'm speaking as Jordan Peterson paraphrasing here is that

The book the Bible whether you believe it's connected to some higher power or some bearded white dude in the clouds or not Right the book is the best self-development book that's ever been written in the history of the world and That I found that if I act as if I believe and I act as if the lessons in this book are true

Regardless of I actually believe in God or not my life gets better and I've I've tried and I've and I've lost that at times right not always perfect

But I found in the moments where even if I don't yet believe on that thing I act as if I as if if I'm that person I get close to the same benefit close to the same outcome

Even though maybe I'm not that person yet if that makes sense It makes a ton of sense and I love that you brought it up you and I are in security on so many things

“I first off I know what Jordan meant by that. I believe I saw that online and I”

would I will bring up I don't know his I can't speak for him, but I can speak for me is when you Act as if and it's like basic zig-ziggler stuff back in the old days act as if you're the as act as if you're the you're better off Putting it out there so when you act like something else it changes your biochemistry and ever when your biochemistry

Physically changes like when you go for run. I've never met a depressed person running

I've never met a depressed person push-ups while you're in the middle 30 push-ups You're not worried about your divorce. You're not worried about your life. You're not worried about your problems What's going on and when you brought that up? I I read this thing the other day I was at a service the other day and it said this pray as if everything depends on God Act is if everything depends on you now. I want you to think about that. I'm gonna say it one more time

Pray as if everything depends on God, but act as if everything depends on you which means You're not gonna lose anything believing and If it's completely up to you you might as well just do the work. So what I what I truly feel is

when you believe things can should happen and the talk trucks are lined up. It's called kangarooancy

“Like I give you a great example of this and I speak in in in loops and I believe a lot of people don't realize how”

We're learning takes place. I'll do events start early in the morning. Go late at night Nobody leaves because I've learned how to hold people's attention for long periods of time So I'm gonna switch subjects here to answer your question My youngest daughter is a very highly competitive figure skater to the degree she skates six hours a day six days a week and There's a difference between those who do really exceptionally well and those that are very very capable

There's a judge involved and I truly believe the world is our judge and the judge of the world is based on kangarooancy Does what you're performing? How you feel and what we see all lineup? So what do what we what you're saying? What you're doing and what we're experiencing to all those three things line up This is why a con man can can play for a little bit of time the Bernie made off so the world can play the game for a period of time Do you know what I'm saying until you look behind you realize the results not there? So if you're gonna skate to brown-eyed girl and you got blue eyes

It's over if you're gonna if you're gonna perform Confidently with confident music and entertain the judges you win because the people to do extraordinarily well that when the Olympics They put on a show their entertaining a bunch of board people you play the same music someone else played you don't win So it's not about picking a random Disney soundtrack. So the question is what's the soundtrack back to the guy in the in the batter's box What is the soundtrack in here? What soundtrack are you sending off in someone else's head?

So if you're gonna go out there in life in the world is judging

They're always judging they're not judging you like do they believe you they're protecting themselves should they listen?

Do you do what you say do you say what you do and to yourself is what I'm saying? What I'm doing and how I feel all lined up? And when you're congruent and you're all the same It's why people love a Gary V's exactly the same guy on and off camera Jesse it's not at many times Jesse another East Coast boy does live too far away and a Connecticut after the year to Atlanta after you're what's interesting about it is He's he is who he says he is right and and people love him for it

So why I'm bringing this up Mike Tyson you're gonna get it just is what he is right so What I have to recognize with people is when people are who they say they are and it really mean it That's great, but if you're not that person yet, but you run the talk track and You kind of fake it for a bit you can win for a little while to dig in the country club and once you get in You better learn how the damn country club works. So you get invited back again

So to answer your question, you mind as well, believe you mind as well think about it that way and I'm gonna tell you top performers They say it. They think it they feel it and they can articulate it to other people not just the vision to themselves So I believe that answers your question, but yes, I love how Jordan did articulate that you know I can give you you know even feedback from this show. So I'm fairly a reverent guy

I like to curse I like obscure examples and stories and conspiracy theories and I like to talk about all kinds of different stuff The show in general because it's where most of my work is and and I'm very interested in it is Leadership personal development growth in general both personal and in business is kind of where we tend to focus, but I love

“Obscure stories and if you want to talk about the fact that I think their civilization didn't start”

6,000 years ago it probably started 300,000 years ago, and this is like the fourth or fifth iteration of a civilization I meant to all that shit all those rabbit holes and I found with this show for a period of time

Professional enough you you know you go off topic to often you take these little contextual tours and bubble all this kind of stuff

And I was like okay, well being the type of person who likes to iterate and live in reality and test things I'm gonna try to do that and I found one I was bored as shit

“I thought they were the worst interviews that I had ever done and the audience stagnated, right?”

We just we started a flatline in terms of our in our download and I was like This because this is not me right? I get that there might be some people that occasionally an F bomb or something comes through or they don't like that You know, I'll go off topic and talk about my kids. I've got an F feedback sometimes Like I came here for business advice and you're talking about your children

It's like okay, bro, you're not my audience I don't know what to tell you and as I've gone back to this is my show I'm gonna do it the way I'm gonna do it because these are the things I'm interested in and this is how I like to engage with my guess And this is what I want to put out into the world in terms of what I believe my specific skill set is and how I like to deliver Now all of a sudden, you know, all of a sudden we started to go back up and you know the world started to write itself and it's like

“It's like I was pretending to be something that I was not because I thought that's what I should be right”

I thought the the successful podcaster is the, you know, diary of a CEO who's you know I mean He's incredibly smart, but I find a lot of times it to be kind of been all You know, no offense. I'll come on if you want to invite me, but Probably won't get the invite now. You know, I mean, like that I like took that as

What I should be and it's like know that's his style and it works really well because that's Specific to his personality the way he likes to ask questions, the way he digests things It's not the way I do it and to be anything other than that seemingly doesn't work now. Here's my question for you This is really great. This is what I love talking about. Let's just go deep on this. This is great. Yeah, okay So here's here's my question for you

And I'm gonna try to set this up in a in a concise way. So I have the raw version of me right here Right the raw version of me ADHD contextual tons of different things that I like kind of conversation span all over the place Okay, that's that's the raw version and maybe but over this might be the the the version that grows the business the best right now How do I marry right and maybe there's some overlap here? How do I marry the pure version of me?

The pure raw version with the version that has the most business success without Sacrificing who I am and what I love to do. Does that make sense? Yeah, so if you were hired me and we're having a conversation coaching first off. I would then coach you which you just asked me to coach you

So I'm gonna coach you right now being I always recommend only coach people that really want to be coached if not you're annoying

I just punt like I think that's a good big win from today So I asked the question is like what's your outcome like what do you want right before I even get an answer in that question like what is your definition of a Successful show or successful life or what do you want? I would love for this show to be the primary thing that I do for work for For for for income generation it doesn't have to be you know this this is the primary thing. This is where I'd love to spend the most time Okay, so there's two ways to go about it

One is if you're gonna play their game. You've got to play by their rules So I'm just gonna tell you how that works. So YouTube's got rules Instagram's got rules Spotify's got rules And I don't mean like rules like don't curse. I mean like things that work Extremely well now you can also be your own person and break through some of those rules if you'd like so there's two ways If someone heard what you just said they're gonna be like, oh my god, I got it. I want to get to a Ryan's out

I'm gonna start cursing and talk about aliens, right? And they're gonna think that works But if they're not a person that's into that so it's not gonna come across as correct to them

So they're gonna copy that and you got a million idiots out there that are out there cursing just because someone else curses

You got a bunch of people out there trying to copy Gary V you got all the girls pulling their shirts like this because that that's it works and that works For a level, okay, the question is you've got to marry your vision of what it is you want With who it is that you are and we've got to find a way to bring those two things together and

“Part of that part of that part of that really really really comes down to I don't think you need to change”

But you need to accept that you're gonna get the results that you're getting doing it the way you're currently doing it So if you run a your way and talk about aliens stuff all the time you're gonna get that set of results If you want to play with the game and the algorithm and It just slightly and mentioned things because like a damn martel. Do you know Dan? Yeah, okay, who's on my show and my buddy Garrett Gunderson. Do you know Garrett? I do. Okay, Garrett's been a good friend of mine for years

Looks like that the the financial Jesus. We've been friends forever and he told me one thing Dan told him we've known Dan a long time and he goes

Take your deep breath look up do the same thing rogue and does

And if you do it you see him a little bit more Like you're paying attention and and it's a little more comfortable for the audience because if you're in know it all and you already have all the answers

“You're on a approach. So the question is what character do you want to design online that works the best?”

So I'm not telling you that instantly you like Derek Geter's a character, correct? Yeah Ryan's a character Michael's a character. So we're gonna adjust a few things inside the character that could make you more effective So there's who you are and then there's a few things we could do that if you did them

You'd be more effective and you'd hit your outcome better, which means a more enjoyable show within the audience that you have so like something as simple as

That's a great question. If you said that Ryan and you paused like that is that really gonna mess up your day And you're gonna think you're a liar and god will strike you down. Nope, but it's pretty smart isn't it? Yeah, and if you added in a couple of things in your show that you like I don't want to talk politics all the time Because I think they're very negative, but I got my views and I got my opinions But I'm not gonna sit there and talk it all day. I'm not gonna do a Patrick the David does and I'm not gonna

Yeah, I'd make my show that because I don't feel like it's offering good to the world You said the word COVID earlier. I don't say that word I say the the year that showed up the way that I'd mask it to I don't even like to throw the damn word out

There I know I normally refer to it as the zombie apocalypse, but I guess I didn't you and I are similar

But I but I'm not gonna judge you for it. So what I'm getting out is how far Are we willing to go to adopt a few little techniques Into because I don't think we have to change drastically. I think you can keep 99% Ryan And adjust maybe 1% of the formula To be more effective as a human being like one of my mentors taught me Jim Rowan was my original mentor Jim

That was my mentor up there if you know Jim Rowan, but that was I worked with them from 99 to oh nine many past I knew him a long time And what's interesting that I learned is you got to learn to pay attention. So another guy's been mentoring me He said listen when you eat you put your fork down. I said well, what do you mean he goes in between bites? He goes I go, what are you talking about he goes you bet you hold it in your hand. He goes I do like what what? What do you like your savage? He goes king's dying

So I put my fork down in between my meals because it's good for digestion, but they do it's power play Put that fork down Tony's apprentice style. Put that thing down and pay attention. I thought about that Why I'm bringing it up? It's not a major shift

“But it's something gives me an advantage. So here's the thing”

Is what you're doing giving you an advantage or you just if to I am and you don't get it to I am and you're just a little whiny little Brad So there's the things that are who you are and then there's a few things that could give you an advantage That would make a difference and I would tell you you're gonna have to weigh those things out and go in my willing to give myself this strategic advantage to be more effective on my show But I'm not gonna sell out who I am like the guy that told you to stop talking this he can go find somewhere else

That's now what you're gonna do you got a specific audience. You're gonna talk about but there's some little things that you could do to make you more effective And I don't know if that fully answers your question No, it does because I think it applies across the board it applies to entrepreneurship. It applies to all kinds of things and one of the So the industry that I came out of or any I still work a lot in today is the property has the insurance industry and I have a lot of because I started Groups sold and exited from my own agency. I got a lot of people reach out who are starting agencies and

Almost to a tea when I get a call is they've been in business about 18 maybe 24 months And they've tried to follow best practices to a tea and they're going it's not working right? I'm doing this thing they said to do this I need to have a CRM I need to bump up above and it's not working right and to your point I think You know what I tell them is best practices are are a good

You know kind of guide rails Yeah, so you kind of understand where some of the guide posts are along the journey but like But that's for an agency that doesn't exist there's no agency that exists that looks like every single one of those boxes on that best practices report

“Like you have to figure out the pieces of that where your unique maybe it's your super into”

Agriculture and farming and whatever and that's going to take you down a different path than the best practices So I think what you're saying is is is 100% dialed I want to dig just a little deeper and if you kind of aren't let's go I let go out this because we get surface the everyone's like oh, he's just who's like let's keep going Yeah, so I guess Where I get caught and and sometimes this is cobbler shoes kind of thing where like when you're looking at someone from outside

How do I determine what those pieces are like is there a method of framework a mindset that

“Lows me to go okay. I'm listening. I'm listening to Michael and I do really like this pausing thing”

My because I have ADHD It's not that I'm not listening to you, but my my body just wants to respond as soon as that last Automal noise comes out of your mouth like it's like but I do think it would make for a much more enjoyable show If I was able to give a beat slow down a little bit in the way that I talk I do this on stage Sometimes I struggle with it when I'm on the podcast because I get so excited most of the time

Just excited to talk to the person. So okay, so I can take that. Okay. That's one thing how do I filter the things that that I do want to I'll say improve or adjust or test versus Knowing like that's not me like how do I make those determinations? Okay, so that that's not me thing as a childish behavior

That we all about it. So let's just get really clear There was a time you stand to feed on the ground and go you don't get it. I want to do what I want to do and I'm gonna be an entrepreneur and blah blah Nobody's gonna tell me what to do Okay, I've done it. You've done it and our nine-year-old typically controls our life my book

“Ever sucks took me nine years to write. I had to sit at Tucker Max's house. Do you know Tucker?”

I've had him on a show. Yeah. Oh, he's a dear friend of mine and and I had to sit at his couch because brother I'm not any cursed. I am not gonna be friends with you and he's a big basketball guy We're watching on TV. He's like you see that guy. I cannot have this. I've seen you help this guy back guy I just got done working with Jake Paul that time my life was helping him with some girlfriend issues prior to prior to boxing stuff And he goes I cannot have you as a friend if you're not willing to go all in you get to get this thing done

And we get past your problem the problem was a nine-year-old boy was trying to write the book a nine-year-old boy that at ADD not a 39-year-old man So I was gonna do it myself and I was not gonna let anybody help me And I was gonna figure it out and prove to my wife and my kids. I did it I'm sitting next to a guy that sold 10 million copies of his freaking book and I'm not letting him help me

So part of our challenge is outdated programming so Your vision is I want the biggest best podcast in the world. I want it to be this blah blah blah Part of it is have we upgraded our vision and our vision is this I want to make a show that is

Extremely enjoyable and easy to share which you've never said

Now as soon as you do that now the context has changed so it's like I want this to be My ultimate income that was a childish decision that you made Randomly on a Tuesday afternoon when you were pissed off or bothered by something and you're like sick of the property casualty I want to be the next Patrick but David just gonna be rich and Google's gonna pay me great And then you're like I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but I do it because you're stubborn

You get in there you say you're gonna do it and then after a couple of months you got to clean up your act and go huh One of the best examples I have this is Mike Madonna one of the best American pocket players of all time He was good, but in order to be MVP in order to be like one of the best hockey players in the world He'd have changed his game. He had to go from not just premiere score like he could He had to be able to get into those difficult places in front of the net

He'd have put on some size. He had to do some things different. So my question is do you want to be

An incredible podcast that the world that that that pays your

That pays your bills and introduce you to people and as great conversations or Do you want that and it's a big extremely enjoyable, extremely shareable, and do you want to be extremely relatable? A ladder. It's very different now. It's got a different set of rules doesn't it See the hardest part about a guy like you and I as we can wing it did you're good enough You and I didn't even need to do anything other than jump on here wing it because of our insecurities from childhood

You and I could get thrown in a situation we'd figured out get us the date when we were single in the day Get us the date we'll be fine. Get me the interview. I'll close the deal. I'll figure it out. I'll build the ship going down But that's not how You become that next level of play. So the question is do we want to keep on being who we are or do we want to play like those guys We don't have to do what they do but we do need to make some slight adjustments not just in our actions

“In our approach. So if you want to be more enjoyable, what can I do to be more enjoyable?”

Funding more shareable. Okay, what would make it more shareable. I want to be more digestible. What could I do to make it more digestible? Now your mind is like oh my god. I could have a little Click sheet that people have. I could print out a little PDF that you didn't even thought about that Ryan. I got my brain turned 80 degrees going to mile a minute, right? But you could have a little like like a little one sheet with a QR code that we could give out or

Or we could we could do a bunch of different things so to answer your question You got to have a courage and the willingness to realize not that you're wrong. You're not completely right But you're operating off a plan that was a good idea five years ago Your plan got you here and it's already worked out to the level it is in order to get where you want to go You will have to adjust the plan slightly and because we're stubborn

Are you still going to the short hills mall and New Jersey where the rich people lived you've been in Jersey?

“I have short hills is like where those people live it's like”

fancy fancy the Manhattan people and like Scottsdale here in Arizona And I asked my dad how do I get a car like that and my dad gave me advice was Alexis and we had Buick's and he goes work hard and be a good person That's a shitty plan for a business owner Yeah, a good person a work hard. I'm gonna go broke what you got to be effective you got to for value You've got to make a difference people's lives. You got to be needed. There's so much more to it

A work hard is a guaranteed way to burn out and and to fail you're gonna need to work hard But that's not a long-term plan so my job is I would love you to be more effective at the show What are the most effective podcasts we're doing and how can you add little pieces of that and still be you I don't feel Like I'm being stubborn because I like when it comes to this I have almost no ego and in terms of I like I live by this methodology of it's not about being right. It's about getting it right right every team

I've ever had I always coach. It's not about being right. It's about getting it right

etc on and on and I believe that and What I think is really funny and I'm just kind of funny and not in a how-how way but in it in a kind of interesting psychology way is that I'm not asking the questions that you are recommending that I ask But I'm not asking them not because I feel like I'm right and I know what I'm doing etc I'm not sure like I'm listening to you going why don't I ask these questions it's not because I think I'm right

It's not because I think this is the best show already and and it's just why isn't the audience here It's it's you know, I mean, so it's not like that stubborn nine-year-old and that's a different version of stubborn It's what was a good idea a week ago We need to not buy into we need to realize got it that was a good idea when that was a good idea It doesn't mean it's a bad idea right now

So when I use word stubborn, it's an extreme word just to challenge you. I'm not saying you're stubborn like you don't listen I'm not saying another person's stubborn. Some people are you when I know stubborn people. Yeah, that's not us right now

“That's why I'm an ex-husband and not a husband. Yeah, you get you get the concept right you get you get the deal”

so we're I'm going out with you this is We've got to look at what our plan is and we woke up this morning and you had a plan, correct? Yep Even if you didn't have one you have one. Yeah, and most of our plans are to wing it. We know what we know And we do what we do and then we can ask your question is how could I do better and what could I do to be better than I currently am and in order to be better

We need to admit the hardest question of all We're not good enough yet and When life changes for us is when you finally admit you're not where you want to be and it's a tough one for us because We look at the wrong version of ourselves one of the biggest reasons I do what I do is I spent a long time Looking at the wrong group and I'd look over here and got them doing great look how good I'm doing compared to the 97%

What they're doing over here the 3% that I haven't figured out what they're doing yet I'm looking at the wrong groups and spending my life Going to least them better than them and I'm not looking over here and go of course. I'm better than them I've worked I've done God put me here for reason. I'm doing it What are these guys doing that I'm not what could I do that I'm not doing and we want to get off on this idea of like good job

You don't get how good we've done a hard we've worked Dude, that's hard to admit we've just gotten so we're just getting started I mean you're so talented Ryan you know this you're so talented you got the demeanor you got the look

You got the back story you played ball to a very high level most people never make it to the majors and 13 years old

It quit their whole life you got the kids you got the boys you're gonna train them you got so many things You got you been through your shit. You're doing great But the hardest part to do is it's not enough to get where we want to go yet. We got to look in the mirror I've done good but imagine when I can go and that's when life starts to get exciting It's creating that vision of how good the show can be how good I can get with people

How good I can get with guests. How good I can get at sharing. That's a different that's a different ChatGBT prompt how good can I get at creating shareable content that's so ridiculous It's like like just unbelievable when I wrote my book Tucker goes what kind of book do you want

“Like what do you mean he goes you want to book that people actually read or want to make you feel important”

I said now on when the people read he goes you're clients of ADD right the book in a way that people will Start it and finish it and I get so many compliments from people from Michael I picked up your book and I want to page 85

And not saying that is a plug for the book. It was like a simple question. I never would have thought of

I was gonna write the book to make me feel good and feel important. I wrote the book for them So now I'd do in the show for the people not for me screw Ryan I mean for the people now the show's got a whole different meaning so what you're doing is open to the idea

Even if the show never broadcasted. I'm doing therapy on myself right now, Ryan. I think I'm thinking that

This is one of the more valuable conversations I've had in a very long time

“Because I've been honestly, you know, and I don't know”

You know I'm hoping the audience is still with us at this point. I have definitely struggled with I don't remember the process of working on those two in different prompts. Yeah, no. I know again. Hey, this is this is this is beautiful. I I you know, I'm not refrained that again for me. I'm in that again. It's in the working on just say it I'm in the process of working on how to tell the feeling you said that Yeah, it feels it feels better it feels way better you're useful, right? And now you've admitted to yourself

You're working on it and I'm hearing your go I'm gonna go tell my wife. Dude. I love this guy Ryan

You know what is working on that first hey. I got the guy Ryan is fucking struggling. Yeah, no and I and I I love that because it's like I don't

It's funny. I say the words and this is this is to your to your point about how you talk to yourself I don't feel like I'm struggling. It's not like I wake up in the morning and like I'm struggling But I also say there are moments where I'm like geez. I I'm like stuck it about 250,000 downloads a month Which at your point is better than the vast majority, but not where I want to be right so it's like your Position that are you stuck or literally I've gotten to a point and I'm excited to get to the next point

Yeah, see this the reason we'd say we're stuck Ryan I want to listen my background's a linguist

“I've been around I invented something called human interaction technology this is slight change in words changes are lives, right?”

And when I write copy I do Chase use and I went back and forth taking notes on each other if you ever followed his work and he's a God what's up? Yeah, I love chase use. I'll get you guys connected And and what's interesting is where I'm going with this is if you're setting a prompt in your brain the reason we say I'm struggling I'm stuck

Yes, you're being honest, but due to get someone's attention to make someone listen And I'm going to call a childish behavior and it's also harms another person So you'll catch me earlier if you listen to this audio. I did it on purpose. I said the word I think I did it on purpose so I can get to this point and say this you'll very rarely have to hear me say that I say I know I feel and I say because the second I say I think that this company is good for you

I made you think when I say I know I come from certainty when I say I say it's my my say when I say I feel it's different I say I think I just overloaded your brain. I made you an overthinker. I don't want to say I think this will be a good property for you No, I say I feel I know it's a different language. So what happens Ryan for us is when you shift your perspective and you begin to be a person That says it like you know here's something. I'm doing really well up till now

But here's what I'm considering doing like I watch people say to me all the time. I am

Not good at sales and I stop them and say no not true up until now You're not great at sales because the second you say up until now reframes everything after creates different neuro pathway inside of your brain. Are you bad at sales for the rest of your life?

“If you want to say I'm bad at sales you're fucked till the end of your life. When you say up until now”

it goes cuts like the tapes back TDK tape in the old age and you could add a little two-life curve in the middle of your Skid Row if you want and play the little songs you shouldn't play. Okay, but the point is and my gen X I was going to love that technique that's called nostalgia. But the point is when you frame things for yourself so did I don't think you're struggling. I think you're really good at getting

250 and you're in the process of figuring out how to get to 5,000. How nice is that? It makes it accessible too. Would you rather wake up in the morning or do I'm really good at 250? I'm in the process of working on 500. It programs your brain to look for something different. You'll start downloading different audiences. You say I'm struggling you've got to go go I'm struggling with 250 downloads. You know what's going to happen immediately. You're going to find

friggin the suicide hotline's going to reach out to you thinking you got a problem. You say I'm already got 250 and I'm pretty proud of what I've done. I'm on my way to getting 500. You're going to get targeted by people that are going to teach you how to get to a thousand. You're going to have what's your name. Adley's going to start calling you and working on getting stuff. Going to get Martel's going to try to help you Gary V. Rogan. Rogan don't want to help you if you're

struggling. But dude, you're in the process of getting better man. Think about how you who you'd want to coach. Think about it. Mr. Miyagi. I'm struggling getting beat up versus I want to learn karate. I was a most unique podcast that I've ever been on. I'm having a blast too. Yeah, I appreciate it. I think that you think or you know. I feel. That's it. You did it. I feel like this is one of the most underserved topics that I've

this this message. I mean, there's just not enough people like yourself out there putting this. I mean,

“I've had 500 plus guests on the show. And I had another show. There was a time you probably don't”

know this. I had a previous podcast back in the day in 2011 that I started. It was about content marketing when that was big. And I had all the top content marketers on and I did, you know, I had, if they were good at content marketing back in the day, I had them on the show. And it was wonderful. And I made the very bad decision when I took a job of closing that show down. I was 9th in the world at that time, which was only 47,000 downloads a month, which is crazy to think

about back in 2014 that that was 9th in the world. One behind at my last one had a Gary Vaynerchuk, shut the podcast. That idea, right? But through probably 350 interviews there and close to 500

episodes for this show and interviews for this show, I've never had anyone break down the impact

of language on how we operate in the world the way that you have. And I mean that with the most respect. Thank you. So what do you think, what do you think the big thing is? I know that I have been framing how I speak about this show and my desires and expectations for where I can get to wrong. I know that for fact, just this is possible, wrong or not, not as effective as possible yet. In the language, here's the coolest part about what I teach or what I share. I think shares even

better than teach because share and they can do what they want with it. We're already talking. We're just re-opting the words a little bit differently to get a different result. I'd love to walk off the show and go, man, this guy Ryan's amazing man. He is literally a two incredible podcast. He's got one that's doing good. It's on his way to doing great. And he's doing incredible versus man I was talking to this guy that's struggling. It's the same reason in AA, I say step 13 is missing.

Step 13, step one is I'm an alcoholic. I appreciate that for a period of time. I sat literally in a rehab room the other day. It's step 13 is missing. I used to live differently and now I have figured out how to handle my emotions mentally and emotionally and I live differently now. That's

“step 13, build W, dig him up from the grave and I would tell him, you need to have step 13.”

I used to not have as much power and control over my life. I now have learned how to make my life work the way I wanted to. And I say that to say this is that the way that we language our lives to ourselves and others, how they treat us. So my favorite words, Ryan, are this. The way that I talked to me about me is how I respond to me. And the way that I talk about me to you is how I train you to respond to me. The way that I see me is how I respond to me. And the way I train

you to see me is how I train you to respond to me. I train people at hotels to do everything I'd

like. I train them to feel incredible about themselves and give me really great sweets.

I train my daughter goes, how do you get these people to do things for you? They don't do things for me. They kindly love to feel empowered and they love to feel used their power to to hand me things to help me through the line. Whether it's the secret service and I'm looking to get into an event with tens of thousands of people. And I've always realized there's a way to talk with people in a way that they just would love to help you. But most people are not doing the code to talk with

them in a way that works. And this is my my favorite subject. And I very I've been on thousands of podcasts. I've had very rare people have the courage and the confidence to ask me the questions and you're being yourself. So this is this is the answer. So like your kids will start with language. You don't have to. They don't have to be positive. It needs to be listen.

“Is it that we had hard to hit a curveball or we just haven't figured it out yet?”

We haven't figured it out yet. Just start with that. Like my daughter is a figure's guess.

She won't say the lose word. She's never lost in her life. Now, she's not taken first place before,

but she wins or she wins. And she looks it at the way. It's not even positive. Everything is a win. She believes it's possible for it. Just she have self esteem challenges. We all do. Does she have issues with things we all do? That doesn't go away. There's no perfect. My Tyson read his book. Massive self esteem issues. But it's a way language things. It's a custom auto did. We took him under his wing. Another upstate New York guy.

And taught him this Albany, right? Was he Albany? No, absolutely. Can I try? Sorry, not just going to Detroit. Troy, Troy, New York. He literally convinced him that it was at a set of a Greek god. Even though he was a black man. Does that make sense? And in the reason is that made a difference. So I leave it at that. The thoughts. We're going to have to do this again, too. I know you got to pick up the kids at

one point, but we're going to do this again. Dude, I know my audience come on. Go deeper in your world. I'm going to link the book up because I want to get that in front of them. Where else can they get deeper into your world? Where else do they follow along? So I've got, I'm going to make this simple because I'm very real. This is, you may even borrow this from me after this. There's a few things. One is there's something called Google Instagram Facebook. If you can spell my name,

you can find me. I got really cool stuff. At a minimum, if you're a guy that wants to look

give you my email address right now. If you're serious about connecting and you want to do something,

“my system will handle this, but just tell them we met through Ryan, Michael Bernoff at gmail.com.”

Michael Bernoff at gmail.com. Or, this is not a, but my assistant, too. Just center of text

40, 0, 800, 8051, 40, 0, 800, 8051. If you just want to check things out, check it Instagram,

“go to YouTube. But if you're like, dude, I want to do something with you. Text my team that”

were to influence, they're going to say, how do we know you? And we'll set up a time and I'll

freaking talk to you personally. If you get the courage to text, I'll talk to you. And that's odd,

“but I'll do that until it stops. Jeremy minor thought I was nuts that I did that. But there you”

have it. And I'm throwing that out to you, text me, or email. If you're serious, if not, find me online, read my book. And I, I'm going to tell you, you're a few words away from having the life you want. He's been a very appropriate manner. Michael Bernoff, my friends. We're out of here.