Episode 534: The Real Reason Why Most People Don’t Change

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Welcome to another solo episode of Habits and Hustle.

And I am joined by the one and only Shawnee, who is like a sister to me. For those of you who don't remember or weren't listening to me at the time, Shawnee used to do a lot of solo with me until she got to be really famous and successful. She would be the best foil, she would sit there and like dab with me and it was so fun and like I said now she's too cool for school but I was able to snag her a few more times

so I appreciate you being here. Thank you Shawnee. Thank you. Too cool for school is true. Famous.

That's not turn away. She has a sparkling personality and very funny. So today's topic is the real reason why most people don't change. That's the topic we're talking about today and guess what, it's not laziness. What is the real reason?

Well, I want you to tell me what you think the reason is, but I do think people change. Okay, well then this is why you're my foil.

Okay, so the first reason why people don't change is that change threatens your identity.

“That's what I believe to be the case and I shouldn't just say it's what my belief is.”

It's what a lot of the research has shown. That makes a lot of sense. I think people get, I think that's why people also move or they feel a sense of freedom when they do move to a new city because they aren't linked to necessarily the same identity that they were so tied to.

I think that staying stuck feels safer than changing because that's unfamiliar. And I think unfamiliarity is really scary for people. So they rather just stay where they are because that's feel safer. So it's kind of like the devil you know versus the devil you don't know. I don't even think that people are so much afraid of failure is that they're just

afraid of a growing their old self sometimes because of what that represents. I guess I feel like people change a lot though. Like think about some of your oldest friends or they're still the same. A lot of people are the same actually. Really?

Yes, I think that a lot of people that I've met and I think you're I think that what happens is people stay in comfortable situations because it's comfortable not because they're happy. So I don't have any people do you know truthfully who are happy versus being baseline content like knife and content being okay. I think I know a lot of happy people whether they're happy more than they're sad is

a different story but have a question for you. So are you saying people don't change in the sense that their personalities and who they are doesn't change or that they don't change their circumstances? I think circumstances. I don't change their circumstances.

I actually agree with that more. I feel when I'm what I was saying is that I think just people they change personalities a lot. Like I think people really become I don't know just depends for your hanging out with

“that that's how like people really more than I've seen it so many times.”

What is it what I believe? Let me just finish the whole thought and then we can talk about it. How about that? I think I think the reason why people most people don't change there's really four maybe five reasons.

The first is I think that change does threaten your identity. I think comfort is actually more addictive than failure.

I think people wait for certainty that never comes.

I think that's a big one. I think social circles punish your growth. So depending on who you socialize with, that will determine a big piece if you're growing or not and people confuse motivation for readiness. I think people are always waiting for motivation which never comes and they think that they're

not ready because they're not motivated. So I think that those are the main reasons why people don't change and then there's a lot of subpoints underneath that but that to me would be what I believe is. And I think the big one that we talk about and we hear a lot in the ether is about motivation. Because I don't know anybody who's ever done anything that was ready to go.

Usually there's a lot of like ambivalence and apprehension all the time but it's the people who don't rely on feeling ready that actually actually change things and do things. So that's my, that's those are mine.

“I mean, I think I could be maybe leaving some out but I think that overall, that's what”

I believe.

I hear that. I think I just come from a very travel or a world so I see people making big shifts a lot but I also see people who stay very comfortable and really horrible situations a lot and I, I don't know.

“I think also I think that a lot of times, well, that's what I just said, I think really”

surround in yourself with with with Jewers is really important surrounding yourself with the Jewers. I think can mitigate a lot of, a lot of your issues when it comes to change and comfort and being, you know, being stuck and you're not, yes, people. Like you don't want yes friends, we're just going to tell you that everything is fun. Actually, what I was going to say is that's, that's a different point.

I think when you're around doers, it actually, it gives you the confidence and the, like the motivation if you want to call it or whatever that word is to do something to because if someone else is doing it in your social circle, then you feel like you should too. It's like, it's like positive peer pressure. Yes, right. It's positive peer pressure. So if you're around the right social group, you can get a lot of positive peer pressure

because they're positive actions and, or just activity, it will inspire you to make the same, same kind of strides. Just like people who are in the wrong social groups can give you the negative peer pressure. 100%, I think I've surrounded myself with really tremendous people. So I'm seeing a lot of people that make some really great moves.

“So that's why, so that's interesting. So because you're a perspective, well, you're”

also very positive poly, you know, like, which is always interesting when I have you

on here because, I mean, what I always remember with you, we always had this like, very, like, this banter that was kind of like, combative because if I say black, you'll say white. If I say go, you'll say stop. No, you just have a much more, like, I have a much more black and white way of looking at things, but you are just very positive poly. Like, you'll always see, like, you'll always see the brightness or the, not the positive. It's

like kind of like this naïve day. You have like a naïve way of like, it's intentional. It's intentional. It is intentional. So I don't know. Is it this, is it really how you think or you're, or is it like how you've kind of, you say it's intentional is because you've trained yourself to be naïve or want to be naïve or be ignorant, which is not naïve at all. Just think in this world, your reality is your perception. Every, of course,

thing that matters. Nothing else actually, so that's true. That's true. That's true. You just edit, not me. You said that your naïve is intentional. I didn't say it. So what you said naïve, I said, it's intentional. I didn't say my naïve is intentional. Just my perspective,

“the way that I am, the way that I think it's intentional because it makes the world”

I see. Okay. Okay. All that matters is your reality. Like, nothing else actually exists literally. So if you're having, let's say a fight with somebody or you're in a situation where your family's going crazy and you're sat there. What, like, nothing, they could be going crazy. How you're feeling and what you're doing and what's happening is completely up to you and literally nothing could be real. It's very good for a fight. Depending on

how you see it. Like, you just make your world. That's a great, I love that about you, actually. Like, I tease you about you being positive quality. But honestly, I love that about you because you're right. Like, we, we have the ability and the capability to choose whatever our reality is and how you think. And so if you're starting to think badly or be more pessimistic, like, unfortunately, how I am, then you, you basically are able to

shift quickly into a more positive mindset, which is really great to do, by the way. And you do surround yourself with really great people. So that does, again, also, like, shift how your perspective is. So that's not that, by the way, and that's intentional. Yeah,

but I'm not always, I've gotten better without over the years. I mean, you know, because of my

little positive polynus. Yeah, I also sometimes have blinders on with certain people. You do trust people that are sometimes not trustworthy. Right. And I've gotten a lot better over the years. Yes. And that, you always see the best in people. Yes. Or you let people take advantage of you because you want to believe that they're good. Less so now, I think when I was younger, more so, but I, I just, I just would rather see the best in people. Like, I'd rather myself get screwed

over one in every ten times and have like nine incredible interactions than be, you know, jaded the entire time and have all these crappy interactions. No, it's so, I agree with that. In fact, actually, I think I've just thought in this conversation the other day because, like, I've been screwed over so many times in my life. It's like beyond. Okay. You know what I know it. And

people are always like, oh, but you're so tough and you're so strong. How can that happen?

And I lead with how I can help someone all the time, even when it's not reciprocated.

So, and so then I get burned because their intentions were bad, but then I always say what you say,

which is, I rather have not changed myself and just been authentic to who I am and been burned because I feel like also in the accumulative space of all this stuff, it will, it will all like work

“out to be beneficial in the, in the, in the long run. Yeah. And I think also as you have more of those”

experiences, you got better at knowing who's someone who's more trustworthy versus who's someone who's going to burn you. And obviously, we all make mistakes, but you just get better. You get better at picking people as you get older as long as you're intentional about it. Like, I'm so intentional about who I have around me. I'm so intentional about how I spend my time, but what I think about, but what I keep in my mental space. Okay, so let's just stay on this topic of change, right? So,

of the five things that we talked about or what I mentioned, what I believe are the reasons why people stay stuck or don't change, would you say, you, you nodded your head, yes, yes, the social group is super important for all the other things. Is there anything else that you, is there ever been something that you wanted to change that you didn't because it was more, it was easier to stay where you were because of comfort? Yeah, oh, absolutely. I lived in my dad's house for seven years,

after college, that was like a horrible suggestion. And it's not horrible, that was a bad exam. Why? It's a really good example. I stayed there because it was super easy, super convenient, I had to pay no rent. That's a perfect example. That's a perfect example. I know, but I such a thing that I wanted to change for literally every day that I was there. Yeah, but I chose not to. We, we also saving money. Sure. Okay. But that's, but that's okay. But easier and cheaper,

I'm not always necessarily the best things for you. Like to invest a couple thousand dollars into

rent to have a better mental escape and to be able to have your space and to be able to control your environment more. Like, that's actually really valuable. That's a super valuable thing to do, but I didn't want to invest it because, yeah, it is cheaper. But also, it's just easier. It was just easier. I didn't have to find a lease. I didn't have to deal with another landlord. What if I wanted to travel? I don't feel guilty that I'm gone for a couple of months. You know? So I would say

that's a perfect example. Anybody who moved back in with their parents can definitely relate

“with a lot of people did. That's a hundred percent. A lot of people did. I think that if you”

are somebody who is not who is complacent and not changing because of anything, because you are more comfortable with comfort, I would maybe make an attempt to make some small moves to move forward. Because I think that sometimes we can't see the forest in front of our, you know, whatever, we can't see the forest with the trees. No, and I think a lot of times, like, that complacency end up being resentment and and also like a lot of times resentment and

self-deprecation and unhappiness in a real way. So if you can make a change and if anything what we said, what I said is actually like hit a nerve, maybe it's time to bring me to think about changing. Changing my social group, changing your circumstance, changing your relationship, because we want to keep on evolving and growing and moving forward. We don't want to stay stuck. Being stuck is not the answer to happiness overall. Wouldn't you agree? Yeah, I also think another

note of the social circle, like you want to be with people who allow you the space to grow and to become a better version of yourself. You know, when people who are going to keep you, even if they're good friends, even if you feel like they're the other, like if you feel like they're not helping to win a relationship, you know? Yeah, even in a really absolute relationship, people stay in these relationships because they think that end up making the other person feel like they're that shrink the

other person. Yeah, that is the worst. And then you believe that you believe the bad hype. So it's been great. You think in order to make the other person happy, you've got to shrink yourself. You've got to be less than yourself and you stay where you are. And so and you convince yourself

“a lot of times that that's actually okay. It's not okay. I think objectively this generation”

of women is doing that a lot less, which is also why we're seeing the, you know, the single numbers where they are. I know, which is a whole other podcast. I think we should talk about that next. Also, we'll just put a disclaimer. I am so appreciative that I had my dad's house that I could

live at for a second. I'm going to say, let's not be dramatic. Like, you know, I also don't want to

like, you know, but I wasn't much happier. I think in order to do this, what is the thing, you know, don't kick a debt, you know, in the mouth, the dead horse in the mouth or was that saying?

Tell me what the saying is first. Don't kick a horse. Don't. No, not to kick a horse. What's that saying?

Please don't kick a horse. Don't kick a horse in the mouth. Don't kick a gift horse in the mouth. Because a lot of times, just because you are in a comfortable situation, doesn't make it bad. I think that there's like a, yeah, there's not the part that made it bad. I know what it makes. The only thing that makes it bad, but also if you're like a young person who's saving money and you have a better circumstance, God bless you, you should definitely take advantage

of all the good possibilities and opportunities in your life. And so when you're talking about you living in your father's home, there's a lot of good things that came from that as well. But I think this could be like 10x more successful. How did I live there? I'm not even kidding. Why do you say that? Because I would have had the mental space to be able to do that.

“Or I think if anything, the only thing it would have done is give you a swift kick in the ass”

because then you didn't have these things. Sometimes when you're too comfortable, it stops you from having the resourcefulness and like ambition and drive to do something. Yes, you don't have the ambition and drive, but also think like people need their own spaces to be able to create and do wonderful things. And I think that's really important. A lot of people would like, it's just easy. It's just some things that are just easier. The headache that you think

in your mind is it's going to take is so large that you're just like, I forgot about it. But then actually when you follow through on that thing and you do whatever it is, you need to do to change that situation. You just think like, why didn't I do this before? Like when I finally got my own car after the labor of just thinking in my mind that it was going to be this whole

“heavy lift and trance and did it done? Like how was I even going to like handle that?”

And then I got it and I was like, wait, what? It's like I took two days. Why would that happen all the time? Because what we're so afraid of in our head is never as bad in real life. That's a really good. I wouldn't add that as point number six to make my list of why we stay stuck and why we don't change. I think because sometimes we create a story around something being so hard and horrible and daunting in our brain that that is what's scary.

But the reality is never as bad as we think. Like whatever you think, whatever we make up

in our brain is never as bad as when the reality is most most of the time. And I think that we think the time. Most of the time. I'm not talking about it. Not all of the health time. But what I'm saying is the simpler things. We really do like our brains can be our worst

“enemy. That's what I wanted to end it on. Don't let your brain be your worst enemy and don't let”

don't let your brain create a story to yourself that keeps you stuck and complacent. Remember

things are never as hard or as difficult or it's challenging and daunting as it actually is in

reality. And when you prove to yourself or show yourself that when you go through it, that you can actually do it and go through it. That in itself builds so much self worth and self confidence that it's worth every second of it. So with that being said, see you soon. See you next time and join her book club and join my book club. Exactly. If you haven't joined the book club, sign up. It's totally free. It's all self improvement books that will help you become better and grow in all the ways.

So see you then go to JenniferCohan.com and goodbye.