How to mentally reset when you’re stressed out (w/ Dr Jenny Taitz)

This is how to be a better human. I'm your host, Chris Duffy.

“And I'm very stressed, why am I stressed?”

Because I have access to the internet. Okay, I read the news. I know what's happening in the world. Also, I have young children and I worry about the kids

and then sometimes the kids need things in the middle of the night. So then I'm up in the middle of the night. So then I'm tired the next day and I still have to record a video

making an intro for the podcast but there are these deep dark circles under my eyes and also there's so much work to do and speaking of work to do,

there's always more work to do

and there's also always more laundry and always more cleaning and always more groceries and always more bills to pay. There's so much stress

and it all just keeps coming. You know, all of us have stressed in our lives. And some of us handle it in healthy ways and others of us may be in less than healthy ways. So I think that I know that I need to

“and I bet a lot of you also need to talk to today's guest.”

Dr. Jenny Tates, she is a licensed clinician with a doctorate in clinical psychology and she is the author of the new book, Stress Resets, how to suit your mind and body in minutes. Now, soothing my mind and body in minutes,

that sounds pretty dang good. I would love that. The stressors are not gonna go away. They're always gonna be there but maybe I and maybe we can learn some strategies

to deal with them. So let's find out how to do it. To get us started, here is Jenny reading a passage from her book. Let's take an example that unfolded in my house.

One morning when my husband Adam was tired and rushing, not a good combination, he dropped a full carton of milk on the kitchen floor. Fuming, he cleaned it up rather aggressively and cut his hand on the kick plate

at the bottom of our refrigerator. Unfortunately, we didn't have any bandages in the house. So, feeling even more frustrated, he jumped in the car for a drugstore run.

“Agitated and we playing his horrible morning”

on the way home from the drugstore. He then got into a minor car accident. You can't make this stuff up. Of course, I have plenty of examples of how I've exacerbated and already stressful situation.

Years ago, exhausted and newly back to work

after the recent birth of my second child,

began knowing endlessly on my fingernail to the point where I found myself in the emergency room with an antibiotic resistant infection that required minor surgery. If I had only paused, observed my stress-fueled urges,

taken a few deep breaths, and tried one of the stress resets in this book. I had have spared myself hours in the emergency room and multiple follow-up visits with an infectious disease specialist.

I'm pretty sure you have examples of your own. I have many examples of my own and we are gonna talk about them. But first, we're gonna take a short break. We'll be right back.

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Be smart, get WISE. Download the WISE app today or visit WISE.com. Tees and sees a play. - Hey, I'm Dr. Maya Shanker, a cognitive scientist and host of the podcast,

a slight change of plans. A show about who we are and who we become when life makes other plans. - I wish that I hadn't resisted for so long. The need to change.

- We have to be willing to live with a kind of uncertainty that none of us likes. - You can have opinions. You can have like a strong stance. And then there's your body.

Yeah, having its own program. Listen to a slight change of plans wherever you get your podcasts. - Today we're talking about how to handle stress with Dr. Jenny Tates.

- Hi, I'm Dr. Jenny Tates. I'm a clinical psychologist and I'm passionate about spreading hope to a wide audience. So I often write about my favorite practices

and my most recent book is called Stress Resets. - So, Jenny, thank you so much for being here. And I wanna start with probably the most basic question, which is what is a stress reset? - A stress reset is something you can do quickly,

literally within minutes, that can change the course of how stress affects you. One of the most unfortunate parts of being human is that we have a knack for taking something minorly stressful, like a knack and almost like a little stain.

And we have a knack for trying to fix it in a way that just makes it so much worse than it initially was. And so a stress reset kind of gives you this opportunity to keep it contained and maybe even make it better. - So what is actually stress then in the first place?

it's like this mismatch between our bandwidth and what we're facing. It's when you kind of think it's too much I just can't. So one thing that I really love about your book is that you talk about places where we can look at stress

with our mind, but you also look at stress in our body. So can you talk a little bit about stress as it plays out in both of those realms? - You know, it's interesting when we're feeling kind of overwhelmed, we end up getting into a stress cycle.

We start thinking thoughts that are catastrophic or negative, we experience stress in our minds,

“like this is terrible, this is the worst thing”

that could possibly be if there's something that's in the US and we're not sure what it is, our minds kind of default to expecting the worst or imagining things are going to be terrible. And then we experience stress in our body,

obviously thinking thoughts, like let's say you, your boss puts a meeting on your calendar, it's very easy to start to think like, I'm going to be laid off and then obviously that's going to do a number to your body,

maybe you're going to start to feel really tense,

short of breath, then the third piece I think is really interesting

is then we often do things that make things that much worse. So if your boss put a meeting on the calendar, you're all tense, maybe you decide, like, I can't focus, I'm just going to like procrastinate for like the next four hours until the meeting happens and then you've put yourself

into this whole tornado and then the crazy thing Chris is, is that I've had so many clients that have had like this exactly happen to them and like it's kind of hilarious, like some of the reasons for me things could be like

“the way you're parking in the company is a lot.”

Like it could be something that's so not like, I'm sorry, we're relaying off your team. It's nothing to do with the fact that you were late to meeting it's something that is kind of humorous. I so relate to that feeling of like you have a panic to idea

of what this thing is going to be and then you waste the whole day because you can't stop fixating on it and then it turns out that it was like, hey, by the way, I'm having a one-on-one call with everyone just to talk about like, we want to make sure everyone gets their favorite snacks.

So what's your favorite snack? And you're like, well, that's good and not bad and also so why did this have to be a meeting? But I was having freaking out for hours. Totally and even in our personal eyes with like a text like,

hey, can we talk? It's like I wanted to try to put something fun on the calendar versus like your terrible friend and we need to like end our friendship. I love to just like call unexpectedly and a lot of people are like, it's not do this to me.

Yeah, like this is always reads as an emergency and I'm like,

I was driving for 20 minutes of thought. I would see how you're doing. Yeah, yeah, so sweet. No, and so I talk about resetting stress at all those, like at all those three junctures in our minds, in our bodies,

and in our behaviors and you could do this in the moment, but you could also do this preemptively. Like it's really hard in those moments to quickly think differently than how you normally think or to be able to recalibrate your body or be intentional about your behaviors.

But there are things we could do ahead of stressful moments that are like preventative medicine. You talk in the book about like a stress reset versus a mental buffer. So can you walk us through what the difference between those two isn't when we would apply one versus the other?

Yeah, a stress reset is in those moments. In that moment where you get that email, you're going to surprise call from Chris. Like that is when you maybe need to reset right then in there. But a buffer or things that we want to do,

it's almost like saving money for an unexpected cost that you weren't, you know, you suddenly need new tires or something. You want to be saving money in the bank. So it's really hard a lot of people expect that all of a sudden, like they're going to be able to do something difficult,

like not be judgmental and like a really hard moment if they haven't built up like the practice of being less judgmental or kind or show themselves. And so I think we need to be realistic. Like I don't want to be, I don't want anyone to think like,

you know, I try this at dinner work. You might need to be trying this at other times to like,

“if you want to really run fastering like a, you know,”

scary event on the street, you need to like have some ability to run fast period. Hmm, well, one thing that is just, is this funny as you and I are both so clearly in Los Angeles in that like several of our things have been like, a parking related stress or you're driving stress. So the car related stress is running on the street.

Yeah, but then you also have, I'm sure you get this all the time, but you have like such a naturally like calming voice and demeanor. I see why you are like a clinician who can help people do it with stress.

Do you think that you always had that or think you've gotten more like that

because of your clinical practice? Yeah, because I love that you're mentioning this because this is one of the things that has hurt to me so much. People online like accuse me of having like an artificial therapy voice and I'm like, I am literally, I'm literally the worst actor like if you wanted to hire people for like a show,

like I couldn't do it. I think maybe part of it is like LA maybe part of this, my personality, but um, but yeah, this is me and an out my friends, which I think this is me. Oh, I'm not at all such a good way, not as a courtesy could at all. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like, no, but I just want to clear the error.

I'm like, oh, why?

I'm like, oh my gosh, talk to me like tomorrow, call me spontaneously when you're driving.

“I think a lot of people, maybe clients or people that might be watching this,”

have the sense that like somehow like I don't experience stress or because I exude calm, like I am, you know, there's some sort of teflon around me and stress doesn't penetrate, but like I feel I totally understand stress, I get stress, I feel stressed. I just really try to practice every single thing I prescribe, like all the time. What are the main sources of stress for you?

You know, in my clinical practice, I feel so honored and lucky to do what I do, but one of my specialties is working with people that struggle with chronic suicidality, and so I am often on like kind of on call, like I want to be helpful to people, and so they're most my patients are able to reach me between sessions. So I choose to work with a kind of like the psychological version of kind of the ER professionally.

And then I have three little kids who are amazing, but there's also a lot of, you know,

my son like two nights ago was like a nine o'clock after I asked him like consistently, since five o'clock realized that he had like a major homework assignment that was like involved me taking pictures of him, and like this whole thing, I'm like, dude, we've talked for four hours, like what's due to my own nothing, nothing, and that's a minor stress, and that's a pleasure. We'll stress, but you know, that's in the moment after you've been going since like six a.m.

It's like what's happening now, I have to do like homework with a year old nine p.m. just not his prime time. I mean, yeah, so yeah, the normal stressers, and also like, again, like, I'm human, like, you know, things, you know, affect me the same way the affect everyone else. Even just in the way that you framed it, right?

You were like, I have this a really serious job, or often it is like a life or death thing,

“and I think anyone would argue like that is so stressful, of course, it makes sense that you're”

stressed. And then you said, like, I also like have my kid, and he's wonderful, but then I'm stressed about like the having the homework, and that's a good thing, but one of the things that I do a lot, and I think a lot of people do is we sometimes have this emotional judgment around the things that we feel stressed on. Like, oh, but this is like a gift, like getting to spend time with my kid, I shouldn't also feel stressed about that. And you talk in the book about how like layering

that emotion on top of like, this isn't worthy of stress, or this, I shouldn't be angry about this thing, or it's not, I'm not allowed to feel jealous, or whatever the emotion is, can sometimes be maybe like the main driver of the stress around a thing, is that like we don't allow ourselves to feel the way we feel. So I just would love to like talk about that, since I think it came up there, and it is such a natural and universal thing.

I mean, technically, we all have what's referred to as primary emotions, like the first thing

that we feel, and then we can easily create secondary emotions. So I could feel anxious that like, you know, when a small level that like my kid has some project doing, I was supposed to email it to his teacher, and like, I'm not up to date on the school emails, and he totally forgot. So I could feel like a little small level of anxiety, and then I could start to judge, like, what's wrong with me? Why am I feeling anxious now? And then I have like anxiety on top of

anxiety, which for some people in a different situation could lead to panic. If like someone's heart's racing, they're like, this is so weird. Like that could, you know, lead to like more anxiety, or it could lead to different emotions. It could lead to something totally different. Like, oh my gosh, I'm so embarrassed. Why do I feel stressed by this? So it could be like anxiety, more anxiety, shame than maybe there's guilt of like, like, why do I feel this way? This is like,

it's embarrassing with him. It's bad for me. And so it could lead to this whole spiral.

“That's a very silly example, but I think in human life, it's like someone was just telling you that,”

you know, they were listening to a song that was really sad in front of a child, and they felt embarrassed by emotion. And it's like, you felt sad, and I feel embarrassed. I feel worried about what that did to that person. But it's like, we're human. It's like, it's again like the stress thing. We could either keep it small or we could create this whole web of layer on top of layer in the

first feeling that we have is helpful and productive. Like, the first feeling is like, let's get this done.

Let's go for like, good enough. This is not going to be perfect. We're just going to do this. Like, how fast can you like do the things versus like, unproductive, which is like shame or more anxiety. It could lead to like, not being in a position that you could actually do the thing. And so I think a huge thing that we can all do when we start to feel stressed instead of getting into catastrophic thoughts, or instead of like, berating yourself, is like normalizing the normal,

like just being a good friend to yourself. I mean, it's so simple, but so something we don't do for ourselves, but we do easily for others. Of course, you feel this way. Given this, of course, you feel this. And it's just like a quick reframe versus like what the hell is wrong with me. It's like, this makes total sense. And that immediately could probably take stress down in a notch. And that's why we like enjoy talking to like the friends that are empathic and

what's wrong with you. I loved how in your book you ground it in your practice. And like what

“school of thought you are. And one of them that I wasn't as familiar with was DBT. And I just”

wanted to talk about it because I feel like it's at the heart of a lot of what we've already talked about and what we will continue to talk about. So can you tell us what does DBT stand for and what does it mean? Sure, DBT stands for dialectical behavior therapy. And it is a treatment that was

developed by Dr. Marshall in a hand who is an incredible pioneer and just very interestingly,

she came out later in her career in an article in the New York Times sharing that a lot of the treatment that she developed was the treatment that she wished she had when she's really struggled with psychiatric crises. And it's really incredibly moving. She actually had been hospitalized repeatedly for her own mental health challenges and treated in really inhuman ways and prescribed tons of medications that like really did more harm than good and not that there's anything wrong with

medications but the medication she was prescribed were really not working for her. And the literally the you know that she was hospitalized on like ultimately became a DBT unit where she came out and told her story which is really powerful. And so DBT is a treatment that combines Zen Buddhist principles

with cognitive behavioral therapy. And so it teaches it's called dialectical because it's kind of

seems like a dialectic or an apparent contradiction. It teaches a hundred percent change alongside a hundred percent acceptance. So I wholeheartedly accept this moment and I also wholeheartedly will change and acceptance also kind of paves the way for change. And when you learn DBT there's four specific tools that you learn. So a lot of people maybe think therapy is like you go, you share your problems, you do a lot of the work, your therapist listens to you know it's

maybe summarizes some things but DBT is almost like a class where your therapist teaches you a specific curriculum that includes four modules, mindfulness, how to be present in the moment without judgment and in a way that allows for more joy. In our personal effectiveness, how to assert yourself as for what you want, maintain relationships, be skillful, in maintaining your objective, self respect, and your relationships, emotion regulation, how to manage our emotions.

So they're kind of more on a dimmer system rather than an on-off switch. And distressed horns, how to cope with crises without making them worse. And DBT is a gold standard treatment for people that struggle with things like suicidality and self-harm substance use a lot of co-occurring

“problems. But I think the DBT skills are amazing. And so one of my goals in writing and”

stress resets is to disseminate these to the masses because every DBT therapist I know, myself included feels like, this is so cool. We learn. We learn like the career lottery. I have all these like cool tools that my disposal I could use in my life. I could teach other friends. But like, why not use them preventatively or to enhance quality of life? They don't need to just be used for crises or when you're at your lowest point. You know, just to read a quote from the book.

You say, if you're wondering what the heck dialectical means, the term refers to the concept that ideas that seem in opposition can both be true. A key dialectic in DBT is that you can simultaneously accept what you're facing and change your life. And one of the things that I think comes up a lot for me when I think about stress is this idea of like in my control versus outside of my control. Let me give you even the most extreme example, right? Like you live into repressive authoritarian

regime. The idea that like those solution to your problem is I just have to like think about things differently. That's not true. And yet changing the way that you think about things and your ability to get through each day when you're in a repressive authoritarian regime, also could be a really big and important thing, even though it wouldn't change the like larger factor. So it's like, it doesn't solve the problem. And also you can't solve the problem unless you are able to function.

So I feel like that's one of the like big dialectic that obviously I'm picking the most extreme version of. Absolutely. So think about like talk to me about how we can think about stress in some of these ones where it is like very external. It's not just like how I'm pursuing things. Like you get in a car accident. That's clearly an external event. But how does the internal process also matter in that external event? Yeah. I mean, so again, like you can get into a car accident

and think like this is terrible. I'm never going to drive again. I've had patients that live in

“places like LA or you need to drive and it's like this thing happened to me and game over. I will never”

drive myself. I will be taking an Uber. I will not drive on the freeway. I'm just going to take as roads but we have to you know learn to this thing happened. It was really awful. It was unexpected. It makes total sense that I feel anxious and stressed and I'm going to choose like what would I do

doing this thing and obviously I'm going to be cautious. I'm going to be careful and I'm going to

totally accept any additional stress in my body as I approach this but to continue. What would you say to someone who feels like because they look at the news and they look at the outside world and they see horrible things happening and they see other people suffering that their own suffering

“is unworthy because it's not big enough. It doesn't matter. I think that that is a really”

common example of self-invalidation like both things are true like your pain and again this is so interesting. It's like the things that people tell us would make us like enraged but then we tell them to ourselves on repeat. It's I've seen so many young adults whose parents are like you've nothing to be upset about looking at all the problems and look at how good you have it and they're

like want to throw a book of their parents better or throw the front of their parents you know but

it's like when we tell that to ourselves all the time and I think both things are true like have every reason to be upset and also there's really big problems in the world and and it could also be helpful to be able to learn one of the things I talk about is also observing and describing your emotions like I could say you know this thing that happened to me on a zero to five scale is a two and being you know in a worse all right now would understand

“it would be like a five plus like on a you know five being high as and so they're both things”

you know we don't want to minimize our experience but we also want to have some perspective. We could all use some perspective and we're going to get even more of it but first we are going to experience some podcast ads this podcast is brought to you by wise the app for international people using money around the globe with wise you can send spend and receive an over 40 currencies with no markups or hidden fees whether you're sending pounds across the pond spending rails and

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or visit wise.com tease and see supply there are many podcasts you can turn to for work advice but on our show fixable we help real people just like you tackle real workplace challenges fast I'm CEO and bestselling author Anne Morris and I'm Harvard Business School professor Francis Fry

“and we are the hosts of the TED podcast fixable whether you're lacking confidence at your new”

job feeling burned out or struggling to lead your team through a big change we won't shy away from any problem we bring our clear thinking honest opinions and expertise to sell your toughest workplace issues through practical solutions here new episodes of fixable every Monday wherever you get your podcasts and we are back with Dr. Jenny Tates I'd love to talk about some of the specific practices because I mean yeah something that again is so fantastic about you and your work is you are so grounded in

what can people actually do like okay here's an actual practice that you can do and here's your book is genuinely just full of practices. One of them is you talked about how you had a patient who you described for the difference between framing something as I need to calm down versus I need to get excited and how the exact same moment could be a calm down or a get excited moment depending on how you looked at it. Can you talk a little bit about that? Sure there's research that

finds that you know there's so much about emotion regulation is about appraisal like when we're excited if you think about a time that you're really wrapped up even maybe exercising or something like it could be joyful to have your heart rate up and to feel even like you know if you're laughing really hard maybe your face is flashed and but oftentimes if we are in a different situation the same physical sensations we interpret the same physical sensations negatively and so

telling ourselves we need to calm down especially if we're wrapped up isn't helpful but kind of channeling that until like this matters to me I care about this my body stress response is helpful can be really empowering and there's actually a lot of work on adopting like a synergistic mindset around stress so this combination of believing that like stress is adaptive like stress is the price of a meaningful life if you had no stress you would probably the apathetic and have nothing

going on in your life and also that your body stress response is helpful like literally even there's a famous article that I like about turning your knots into bows like literally seeing like knots in your stomach is like a pose like before you're going into the gerry like this is a side that I'm doing well my stomach is like you know revving up my body to perform like this is not like oh my gosh like I'm gonna fail because my stomach is growling no this is like a side that you're

gonna do well if you can reframe stress more positively especially when it's in line with one matters to you and you can accept wholeheartedly your body stress response the combination of

can actually correlate with reducing cortisol reducing mental health challenges and also narrow achievement gaps like this is like a 30 minute intervention like four years later can correlate

with first generation college students actually graduating college and so this isn't just like

a nice kind of reframe it translates into that again that behavioral piece of choosing behaviors and also changing the way you see yourself in the way and the course of your life like these the goal of resetting stress is not to just feel better in this moment it's to live the life that you want to live you know that that idea of appraisal and reappraisal you talked about how

“even though this is such an important skill and when they can really transform it it also is a”

really challenging skill and you say um just to read from the book on page nine you say one of the challenges of reappraisal is applying it to different situations while participants and studies can actively rethink their stress responses in specific situations like taking a test or giving a talk they're not necessarily able to do the same when it comes to navigating a difficult relationship

or worrying about a health issue and then you talk about how that that is actually like a

transfer problem I find that so much in my own life like I am so you know people get really stressed about public speaking I love to speak public and some of that is just natural inclination but some of it is like as I'm about to go out on stage I like jump up and down I move my body I'm like great great great great great and I'm like then it turns into I'm not stressed I'm excited but then people are so often surprised to find out like if I'm going into a room like I they had like

a meet and greet at the preschool for my my son and when I like walked into this meet and greet which is just like a very friendly lowstick thing I'm not expected to do anything I was like my heart was pounding and I was so nervous to be like I have to meet these parents and talk to them and have to make it good impression and I you know I want to have a good relationship uh it just didn't transfer for me in that way so I'm curious like how do you transfer from one to another yeah I

Chris I mean can I ask what you thought when you walked into the preschool like easy you said you kind of just alluded to some like I have to make a good impression yeah it felt like well I'm like what I do now is setting the tone for the next several years and it's not just me it's like how are people going to see my wife how are people going to see my kid will we get to have play dates like yeah you know I had but a lot of stakes on it that I probably were not actually there

“and what would be like I had more helpful way to approach the situation well I think probably the”

way that I actually approach like if I was giving a talk to a hundred people you know like walking

into a more or a thousand people whatever I always say like whatever worst case scenario they

don't have fun they'll never think of this again if it's good they'll remember it if it's bad they'll forget it no and if you could dial up the positivity or like the you know gratitude or the opportunity to save or even I'm thinking I like I'm about to walk into a room with people that a kid's the same age it's rare isn't it to all to be able to meet like so many people that live in the same area that are going to like a similar stage of life this is an opportunity to meet me like

connect with some people that are in a shared experience and a shared look like geographical area but if we could think about it in a way that's useful and adaptive and then I think automatically like just doing that would change your body stress response would change like the the kind of social anxiety like in your body and like tension and maybe shortness of breath but if not even just if you are feeling like that in your body despite thinking more neutrally or effectively about

the situation or positively about the situation you could still like this is okay this is normal I care you know sometimes sometimes going into social situation I similarly like experience like oh my gosh like my heart is going faster yeah I haven't seen some of these people in ages and I I want to make a good impression in this belongs I mean it's interesting like you know for someone running the marathon it's like there's some expectation of pain to be expected

and acceptance of that and celebrating that is part of the process and part of the feet of like mind over matter and I think we need to kind of bring some of that like it makes total sense if you're if your body is doing something how can you normalize the normal and not make the normal to pathological in a way that just creates this tornado of like your body in mind feeling like they're waging war against you if I know I'm about to talk to a bunch of people one thing that I do is I

don't just like stand still and then walk out on stage instead I like I'm literally like jumping up and down backstage I'm like skipping I'm like fake punching the air I'm just like moving my body and shaking my arms out of my arms out and I do that just because it's like it feels like

“will if my heart is racing and I'm jumping in these ways that's how it's supposed to be if I'm just”

standing still my heart is racing then it feels like that's nervous energy it's not positive energy yeah and that's one of the things there's a specific set of skills called tip temperature intense exercise pace breathing and progressive muscle relaxation if you are feeling totally overwhelmed and like you need to like do something different with your body like intense exercise and that that doesn't mean going to like a gym class that could literally be doing jumping

is because I'm vigorously exercising and then that also like quits your mind to can't be like thinking or worst case scenario thoughts while you're doing a squat jump that automatically like creates a different attribution and changes your body chemistry you also talked about the power of cold water which I thought was really interesting just like having a bowl of ice water and putting your hand under your face into it can be one of these ways of just kind of like quickly resetting your body

exactly so that is part of the tip skills again the teased temperature and so there's a specific

practice where if you like the human body has this amazing feature that if your body is submerged

if your face specifically is submerged in cold water and you're holding your breath you automatically

“like lower your heart rate and your blood flow is redirected from not essential to essential organs”

and so if you're feeling totally overwhelmed and something really horrible happened to you today or you're really feeling unable to like kind of turn off remanation or thought spiraling if you took like a salad bowl full of ice water set a time on your phone for 30 seconds held your breath stuck your face on the ice water if you were wearing an apple watch your heart rate would come down it's like a control all to leap feature that we all have I should also just say a disclaimer that

if you have cardiac issues this does change your heart rate pretty quickly so it's not advisable

if you do have a heart condition but it's also a larger theme that in a matter of seconds or minutes we can change things we can totally if you literally don't want to do that even just having the mindset of I could feel better quickly like a lot of times right in the thick of how we're feeling we assume I will feel this way forever and it's going to get worse this like actually I could feel different in seconds in my body and in my mind and things are constantly changing

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“tees and sees a play if you love how to be a better human I think you will also love embodied”

it is one of my favorite shows and it is a show that also just won a big podcast thing award for the best wellness and relationships podcast each week host a need a route explores under-discussed aspects of the human experience think brains bodies identity and more for example how do you raise boys in an age of impossible masculinity or what is it like to make your living as a sugar baby I think Anita is one of the greatest interviewers working today I had such a great time talking to her

on our show a few years ago and it was an honor to get to be on her show recently in every episode you will meet people rethinking sex health identity and relationships it's an honest show it's an eye opening show and it's a show that leaves you with a lot to think about so check out embodied wherever you're listening to this right now another example that I wanted to talk about is you talk about as one of these mind buffers something that you can do regularly that can help

you build your endurance and your stamina in the kind of mental sense around stress is

“you talk about untangling yourself from your negative core beliefs I think this is an interesting”

idea that like who we are versus who we believe ourselves to be and that you could actually untangle those two things so I would love to know more about what the difference between who we are and who we believe ourselves to be is and how we can identify that difference there's so many ways that we see ourselves in the world and other people that might have nothing to do with our reality and so past painful experiences can create some sort of narrative in your mind of like I'm not good enough

or I'm unlovable or if people really knew me they wouldn't care about me and maybe we have beliefs about other people who have like people just want something from me or beliefs about the future of like things won't work out and it's really really hard to like let facts penetrate if we hold on to these ways like these we see the world through these kind of specific glasses and so it's helpful to kind of think about like your life and how did you come to see yourself,

how did you come to see other people, how did you come to see kind of your future and see like what are my core beliefs and how do they make sense and so a lot of people that I see that had been like let's say bullied feel like there's something kind of wrong with them or they're not lovable or they are not cool and maybe that leads to behaviors like avoiding

and just kind of like doing what they think is like you know whether they're supposed to do

and so taking this step back and thinking about like what are my beliefs what behaviors would I do to kind of transcend them and what would I do if I didn't believe these things maybe I would just wear what I wanted to wear and do what I wanted to do and not feel like I needed to

“fix and so I think it's it's helpful to think about like what are my the ways I see myself and”

are they not helpful and are they not relevant in this moment and and that also leads to autoself compassion it was really hard to you know privilege to have had a negative experience how can I give myself the freedom of changing that now. I think I have for years had like a a strong belief about myself that I am physically not capable of of doing things and I don't

mean like I can't move or I can't take care of myself but like when it comes to like fixing

something or when it comes to like being involved in like a sport or athletic like I've just have had this belief that like I'm not able to do those things so that's other people are good at that and I'm not and if I try and do it it will mess things up and it has led me to them be like I can't hang piece of art in my house I can't put a nail in the wall that's something I have to either get help with or after how you're someone or I just like if I do it it will cause this whole

problem and it's like if someone asks like you want to come play on like a pickup basketball

“game I think of course not like why would you even ask me that that does not sound fun I don't”

like that so it's okay for me it's not like that but then some of it is like the ability to like attempt a small home repair or to like go swimming and think of myself as a swimmer it's challenging those beliefs and then when I do it I'm like oh but actually I do enjoy this or oh that actually wasn't as hard as I thought or even if I mess it up it's not a big deal to mess it up and now there's three or five or even twelve little holes in the wall but they're all covered up by the painting

by the time it's hung up so who cares I think it just speaks to like our minds tell us these things and then they really affect the scope of our lives and what we choose to do and who knows like maybe you would actually enjoy pickup basketball but our minds kind of create these narratives and then we let our behaviors like follow and what if we choose our behaviors and like expand our minds I'll give you the more vulnerable one which you know I don't I have less of an explanation

“as to like where it comes from or what it is but I think that I sometimes have this feeling that”

the thing that makes me and that even sometimes I think I often or maybe always have have this feeling

that like the thing that makes me good or would make other people think that I'm good is like a collection of evidence that I'm putting together and that if I don't have a strong enough pile of evidence that I'm good that like it could be cross-examined away and that actually they would find out the truth they're like I'm not a good person or I'm not worthy you know it's like I if I'm able to say like well I did this and I did this favor for this person and I was kind

in this way and like look judge here's all the evidence like surely I'm a good person but it's not some sort of core internal thing yeah no I I really really to that I was thinking about what my example would be and it's like my parents got divorced and I was young and my mom got remarried and my stuffed out was kind of like a cliche stuffed out of like calling me an idiot when I was seven years old and I think I adopted this idea that I'm like not smart enough or I'm not good enough you

know I think we both both collected the external validation around good enough but like what if I just see that the thought that I'm an idiot or I'm not smart enough is just a mental event from this childhood experience and like that is an understandable thing to hold on to but I don't need to be fixing it in the way of external achievement after external achievement and like those things like aren't satisfying because they don't change the core belief unless you understand the core belief

and what would you do if you didn't believe that to me true like maybe take a break from the good enough external pursuits or validations hmm it ties at something else that you you've talked about in your work which is like sometimes if we act as though the thing is true even if we don't believe it that that can lead that thing to become true and so like for example right like you are really depressed and you are feeling horrible and you don't have any energy

sometimes the thing that could actually help is just be like well what would you do today if you weren't depressed and you did have energy and then to force yourself to do some version of that is like even though you're like the last thing I wanted to do is call up a friend and go see a movie if you force yourself to do that you may find afterwards huh I actually feel less bad than I did before exactly and I just had to tie one thread with the core beliefs I think everyone has these and I don't

want you to think that like there's something wrong with you if you do like I was at a professional conference it was pretty experiential and we all had to wear name tags and instead of it saying like Chris or Jenny it said I'm a terrible person if people really knew me they would have liked me

I was like this is part of the human condition and this doesn't require years of therapy to unpack

“or transcend and then in terms of like the thing that you're saying about changing the way you behave”

this is so powerful I mean there's a treatment called behavior activation that is literally

giving someone a schedule of a few things that might give you pleasure like you often times people have to relearn pleasure if they're really depressed like the pleasure that they once experience might not be the same amount when they initially go back to a few things that might give you pleasure and things that might give you a sense of accomplishment or mastery something that's difficult but possible and if you do it you would feel like you know a challenge was accomplished

and then you could keep growing doing a few things each day for pleasure and mastery over several weeks actually works as well as anti-depressants for moderate depression it's literally the hero activation is a proven treatment that works as well as medications no side effects getting a planner and being willing to do the things and also when you're doing the things be totally present don't be thinking like I'm the worst at you know home repairs when you're

doing your first one or thinking like you know it likes me in a you know a social situation or

something and a lot of people think like I'm going to wait till I feel better to do better but you could be waiting forever and you could be feeling put yourself in a position where it's

“so much harder and so I think even thinking about today like what are some things you would”

do if you were living the way you wanted to feel and letting the behavior kind of it's start from the outside in. Dr. Jenny Tates it was such a pleasure to talk to you you are really

incredible and I am so grateful you move the time thank you so much for being on the show.

Thank you Chris and I feel the same about you and I'm really honored to be here. That is it for today's episode of How to Be A Better Human. Thank you so much to our guest Dr. Jenny Tates. You can find out more about her book stress resets and all of her other work on her website Dr. Jenny Tates.com. You can find out more about me at christduffycomedy.com.

“I have information about my new book humor me how laughing more can make you present creative”

connected and happy as well as my live show dates and all my other projects up there. How to be a better human is put together by a team that makes my life so much less stressful and I hope that they're doing the same for years. On the TED side we've got the unflappable Danielle Ebola Reso Ben Ben Cheng Michelle Quint Chloe Shoshar Brooks Valentina Bohanini Laney Lott Tonsikosun Manivong Antonio Leigh and Joseph DeBrine. Ryan Lash Langwiddly edited

this video and the episode was fact checked by Mateo Salis who is chill about everything except inaccuracies. On the PRX side our extremely relaxed audio geniuses include Morgan Flannery, Norgill, Patrick Grant, and Jostlyn Gonzalez. Thanks to you for listening please help me to not stress about new listeners by sending this to someone who you think would enjoy it. That's the number one way we get out to new listeners is word of mouth. We will be back next week with

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