All Night Long, All Night Long

I'll shop if I point to you, if let's record it. Good morning, good afternoon. Good evening, depending on where you are on the planet. Welcome to "I'll advise" by Bill Knight, the second season. Oh, yeah.

And the clue is in the title, as always.

And we are here to help you waste time in a creative way. We're here to help you squander a part of your day. We're here to give you a break from everything. And to be as inconsequential as it's possible for anyone to be.

“That's what's on offer, which is not nothing.”

The risk is when you get to my age, is that you cannot infrequently be mistaken for somebody who knows what's happening, or knows what to do. You may have picked up a few things. When you get to my age, there are reviews like online shopping,

parking, that's a laugh. I couldn't park her now. I don't drive, I don't own a car. I was questioned by a journalist recently who said, "Is it true?"

Which is always a bad start, because it means, "Where you lying?"

"Is it true that you don't own a car or a laptop?" And I said, "Yeah, that's true." And he said, "Well, that's very austere of you." I said, "Is it?" He said, "Yeah," he said, because you're denying yourself,

"Well, these luxuries." I couldn't quite get my head around why he would think owning a car was a luxury. I mean, I get it if you need a car, I don't need a car. But for me, I love not owning a car.

I can't get enough of it. It's a real luxury for me, not to own a car. You don't have to put it anywhere, you don't have to think about it, you don't have to get it valleted. Maybe valleted should be on the bound word list.

Anyway, I will attempt to answer your questions without actually making things worse. Let's have a listen. Hello, Bill. Greg here from Massachusetts.

I've noticed in more than one of your films that you're an exceptional dancer. To what do you attribute your top-secorian gifts?

“And do you have any advice for those of us less blessed?”

Well, thank you, Greg, from Massachusetts. That's really good to hear.

I never feel that I've danced good in a film.

I never watched the film. So I don't really know one way or the other. But I never feel like I've really got it down. Because there are days you can dance. And there are days when you can't dance.

So good or at all. And I remember standing on the edge of a big dance floor at a big party once. And it was like there was an invisible wall between me and the dance floor.

I just couldn't move any further. And somebody came up behind me, a woman I didn't know. And she said, you're not dancing. And I said no. And she said, is it vanity? And I said, yeah, I think you're probably right here.

It's vanity.

“Because nobody required me to dance any good.”

I could have just gone on and enjoyed myself and thrown my limbs about. But I couldn't bring myself to do it without being the greatest dancer that any of those people had ever seen.

So therefore I was paralyzed. Because there was no chance of that. I once danced on a film. And they told me to do it. And it was a day when I could really dance.

And I really, really danced. And I thought I finally cracked it on a film where I've danced to my own satisfaction. And then the director said, yeah, great. I think we should film one.

And we filmed one. But it was, you know, I've only got one of those in me a day, in what I mean. I can't do those twice, not to the same tune. And I was so, I was devastated.

But, and what do we do with the less blessed? You're not less blessed. You don't have to be-- I'm not barricin' a cough or, you know, Gregory Hines. I'm just an enthusiast.

But I do feel that on a good day, I can dance. I didn't use to dance for a long, long time, because I got chronically self-conscious. And also, when you're on television a bit, you feel like when you hit the dance for,

people are going to think, come on in. Show us what you can do, because you're supposed to be an actor and all that.

And then my daughter turned 18.

And I spent all my money on a marquee and a dance floor. You know, they say, do you want the disco dance but yeah, I want the disco dance. Do you want the sky at night ceiling? Yeah, I want the sky at night ceiling.

I daughter's 18. Do you want the-- you know, whatever-- and you just go, yeah, I want whatever. And the way I did that, and I'd hired a band. And then I-- and I was going through a cigar period.

And I hid behind the marquee wearing shades, smoking a cigar. And I thought I was out of the picture for a while. And then my daughter came around the back of the tent and she said, Dad, we have to start the dancing. Well, there's only one answer to that, which is, of course.

Yes. So we went in. And I lumbered about, you know, in a limps sort of way. But it was my daughter, so who cares? But then the band came on.

And I went completely mental for about four hours.

“And it was one of those days you have to trust me,”

where I could really, really move. And I went insane with dancing. All that-- I hadn't danced for years. Probably about 10 years. And I went ape.

And it was thrilling, because I remembered I could dance. But you're not less blessed. It just means you just got-- I mean, I used to hate dancing with anyone. Because you had to look them in the eyes.

And I never used to know what to do with my eyes or my face.

And they would sort of smile at you. And I would feel pressure to smile back. And it was very awkward making. And I remember when I first went to Liverpool when I was about 24 or something.

And I used to go into chauffe as nightclub. And I used to dance on my own, because no one would be on the dance floor until about three o'clock in the morning when they were chemically encouraged enough to make it to the dance floor.

But I used to hit the dance floor when there was no one there, because there was no one there. And there was no one to look at you or judge you or anything. And I was dancing on my own, and a girl came down. And she said, why do you always dance on your own?

And I said, well, because I've always danced on my own, and she said, it's my birthday. And I said, and it was my birthday. And I said, it's my birthday. And she said, no, it's not.

You're just saying that because I just said it was my birthday. I said, no, honestly, it's my birthday. And we ended up making a night of it, as you might say. And I was late for work the next day. And my boss at the time was Jonathan Price,

the notable actor, the celebrated actor. And he was my governor. And I went into work and I was late. And he held up an imaginary card above my head. And I didn't know anything about football at the time.

And he said, do you know what this is? I said, no, he said, this is a yellow card. Do you know where yellow card is? I said, no, I don't know where yellow card is. He said, two of these, the next one is red.

And that means you're down the road. In other words, you're fine. And that's when I found out what yellow cards were in football. But anyway, back to the plot, dancing. Yeah, dancing.

I think you should do it every day. The other good thing is, close your eyes. Just close your eyes. I dare you. And get on early.

Don't hang around. Don't wait. No one requires you to be any good. Just be honest. The other thing is, if you've procreated,

it suddenly becomes dad dancing. Which really gets to me. I did some research. And just in Timberlick has children. So there goes, you know, boom, straight out the water.

“You know, I think Freda Stair had a child.”

I'm not sure about that. Perhaps listeners can confirm that for me. So yeah, but as soon as you have a child, apparently your dancing goes out the window and you become a dad dancer. No one ever says, mum dancing.

I've never heard anyone refer to mum dancing.

It's just if you have a penis and you happen to have procreated. Anyway, I think it's unfair. Hi, Bill. This is Andrew from Lursham. I've just bought a flat with a very, very small bathroom.

Should I just have a shower because I only ever have showers? Or should I try and squeeze in a bath? Because everybody else seems to have baths. More generally, what your thoughts are on showers versus baths. Thanks.

Yeah, Andrew, I don't have a bath. Actually, I do have a bath. I never take a bath. I haven't taken a bath in 20 years. I take a shower.

I don't really remember when that happened, but it was quite a long time ago. I used to soak in the bath like people do.

“I think it's largely now because I don't want to see myself that closely.”

Do you know what I mean? It's like I avoid full length mirrors unless I'm dressed for the occasion. And similarly, I don't want to really lie in a bath and examine my body with any great scrutiny.

I mean, because you wash the dirt off and it goes downwards and down the plug hole,

you don't luxuriate in whatever, if you'll pardon me, Andrew. Whatever dirt you might have accumulated throughout the day. So I'm with you. Forget about it. Even if you had a big apartment, you don't need a bath.

Unless you've got friends that come or whatever who require a bath. And then it's a whole other thing, because you might want to bath with a friend. And that's entirely, you know, that's your affair, Andrew. I wouldn't go into that. Plainly.

Thank you. Hi, Bill. This is Carol. And I love all your work, especially about time and pirate radio. Because I work in radio.

I'm contacting you from Michigan in the US.

“And my question for you is what was the first record album you had as a kid?”

Carol, I have an elder sister called Anna, who was my guardian, my savior, my protector. If anybody wanted to do bad things to me when I was a kid, you'd have to get by my sister. And I just wish you luck with that because you got no chance. And I lived to impress her. And I was born, this is how old I am, at the cusp of vinyl 78s and 45s.

I was a little bit behind the curl. I was probably, I don't know, I just got some pocket money. And I went to the record shop and I bought, you know, I'm not ashamed to say, I bought the teddy bears picnic by, and I can't remember.

Maybe one of our listeners will tell us who first recorded.

If you go down to the woods today, I don't suppose I'm allowed to sing that. But maybe I've done five seconds and then let me off. But if you go down in the woods today, you're in for a big surprise. Is one of the, is the opening couplet. But anyway, and I took it back and it was a 78, one of those big old vinyl records.

And I took it back and I showed it to my sister and she said, no, that's a 78. They do 45s now. You can sit on them and they don't break. And I was completely humiliated and it didn't go well.

“The first single I ever bought, I think, was summertime by a singer called Billy Fury.”

And the first album, which I think my sister bought for me, was Georgie fame and the blue flames. Live at the Flamingo. I think that's right. And Georgie fame is a British, very famous British, R&B jazz organ player. And I was, by then, I was listening to a lot of, you know, not a lot,

because you couldn't get a lot of soul imports from America. But I was beginning my relationship with R&B, what you know, called R&B. I would listen to things like, um, um, um, um, by major lances. Which I only found out the other day was written by Curtis Mayfield. And I had no idea because I downloaded a tribute album to Curtis Mayfield.

And I discovered that amongst many other things, he'd written, um, um, um, um, oh, I've just used a band word. I just used the word amongst. I can't, I'm going to have to kill myself. And my producer is laughing in my face.

She's so happy. You can probably hear her in the background. And my, my storage colleague at the other end of the table. See, I'm not alone here. I know you would like to think of me as a lonely voice squandering time.

And I am a lonely man. And if you have any ideas about that, please, you can contact me on Instagram. No, I'm kidding. But anyway, so, so that was the first album, yeah. And then the Rolling Stones happened.

And the Beatles happened. And that was when you would go to the shop.

They were always released on a Friday.

And you would go to the shop. And you would try and buy the Stones album, the day it came out. Because if you didn't get it, the day it came out, you were a sad loser. And at the same time, Bob Dylan, the Bob Dylan albums. I would also try and buy on the day they came out.

Because it was, that important. Hi Bill. I'm Will from Cows on the Art of White. I finally got to the points in life, where I can sit or buying a bespoke suit.

However, I have no idea how to go about it. And how do I use a tailor? I'm assuming you're eminently qualified to answer. Thanks very much.

“Will, I think the first thing you have to consider is what kind of suit you want.”

And not wait for somebody to tell you what kind of suit you want. The danger is if you go into a certain kind of tailor,

The first time anybody ever made a suit for me

was when the thing is about my job is that sometimes people give you things. But by the time they start giving you things, you've already made some money. And you wish that they'd started giving you things 20 years before. But the first time anybody actually made me a suit. I didn't realize I'd made decisions about the suit I might have,

if ever I got one made. But apparently I had and I said I wanted a single vent. If you have two vents, we can no longer have a conversation will. And I wanted a single pleat, and I wanted to turn up. And I wanted a generous trouser, and I wanted two button jacket.

That's about it, really, with a substantial, but not over substantial lapel. And the tailor said to me, a very eminent man, said to me that you can't have that. I said, sorry, is that where you can't have a single pleat and a single vent.

“I said, well, I think I can't, he said no, you can't.”

I said, why not? He said because you would be offending the great God notorious. And I said, well, I don't believe in God. And he said, well, you'd be offending me. And I said, well, you're not going to be wary or even be around when I'm wearing it. So anyway, in the end, he conceded.

But what up the point being that you don't want most tailors have an idea about a suit. But a good tailor tries to create what you tell him you want. So why don't you do some research and look at suits, get some pictures, make some decisions. You might want two vents. And just because it's over between you and I, and needing to tell you,

because we're probably almost certain you're never going to meet.

And you might not want to turn up because you sound like a younger man. And that's sometimes scary for younger men. I don't think a trouser is resolved without a turn up. I think it's just unfinished.

“And there may be other things that you would prefer to have.”

But don't let them. I was once a prize. I didn't know I was a prize in a competition. But I was a prize. And I found out because I got on the plane.

And for once on the plane, I read the in-flight magazine, which I've never read before. I must have forgotten my book or something. And I opened it up. And I was in there as a prize for a competition.

And the prize was a suit fitting with me at a particularly famous tailors.

And this young man who I had to accompany to the fitting had never had a suit before.

And the people that were administering the fitting started to tell him kind of what he wanted. And I kept trying to say, "Is that what you want?" But he hadn't done any research. And he didn't know about suits. He probably, unless he'd won this competition, he probably would never have had a suit.

So he didn't have any ideas of his own. And the risk is you end up wearing somebody else's suit as it were. So I suggest you make those decisions before you get to the tailor. And don't go anywhere famous, in other words, expensive, where they put a thousand pounds on for the postcode.

“And remember that reputations are almost always unreliable.”

Any decent tailor will make you a suit if you know what you want. So good luck out there. Now, it's time for our occasional or maybe even regular feature. I'm with the band, in which people send in the name of the band they used to be in long ago, and the lyrics to their signature song.

Our very first I'm with the band contribution comes from Sean. Sean is from Ottawa, Canada. I love it when we get messages from a really long way away. And the band she was in in 1979, they were called The Granola Girls. And the song, the signature song, was "Where The Granola Girls."

Which is great. Because you may remember that I was in a band called The Love ponies. And our signature song was "Hey, hey, where The ponies." So, you know, we're already on a roll. And Sean says, "Not too original, but it was everybody guess.

It was ironic." And the lyric is, "We love Dash, our hindered hair." Come on, we wear Dash, kitten heels everywhere. Hipies are gone exclamation. And we don't care.

It's a fabulous lyric. "Where The Granola Girls" shouted. It says in brackets. It's a really, really, really, really groovy lyric. I love it.

I wish I could hear it. "The one hit wonder," says Sean, in grade 12.

Champion Jack Dupri was a black American blues piano player singer.

“And he moved, I believe, to hardest field.”

And he wrote a song, which I think I'm the only person in the world who knows about. And it's called, "I want to be a hippie, but my hair won't grow too long." And it goes, "I want to be a hippie, but my hair won't grow too long." But I love the way the hippie carry on.

And I always think, "I'm probably the only person who knows this song."

But thank you, Sean. That was great. That's a really great way to start the "I'm with the band" feature. We love our "hennered hair." We wear kitten heels everywhere. Hipies are gone, and we don't care.

"Where The Granola Girls."

I'd love to know if there are any other lyrics.

“Or did you just do that lyric over and over and over again?”

There's a time on a tradition, as in I'm big in Japan. There was a bank called I'm big in Japan and there's a signature song which might have been their only song, was I'm big in Japan, I'm big in Japan, I'm big in Japan. Which reminds me of Lionel Richie all long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long all night long I used to read it to emell the storm to make up as I used to read it as a sort of poem and I should say do the final and I'd go all night long all night long you know like it was a serious poem nothing wrong with the song don't get me wrong.

Love I've been a Lionel and now this week's playlist which is called orchestrated love swing and it features a band called the jack moves and they obviously appreciate Lionel Richie because they've written a whole song about him and about his song all night long and it's called Lionel Richie and from the new album by the fun loving criminals a song I like called lovers rock and then from the one and only the great Chaka Khan what you're going to do for me which is a killer track and then from the sadly and most lamented Angie Stone who passed away last year a song called All I'm Missing which

is beautiful and then from Ray Carlil a song I like called is it worth it and then another song from a young R and B singer psi s y smith sysmith doing why do you keep calling me and I hope those songs all have some kind of rhythmic connection it's time now to turn to the band word list these words sent in by listeners which they won't remove from the English language nibbles I think nibbles should go I think we should clean up the English language it's that as I've mentioned before

that patronizing thing of talk you to children as if they need the language I don't know cutified nibbles is out bicky give me a break I think we all agree don't we one word that I'd really like to get rid of which is a word that I come across a great deal and is used to describe

“me on a coach is and I remember I think when the word meant small now it's mutated in the modern”

world to mean somebody who's looking smart and the word is dapper and I'm often accused or

complimented by the word dapper but it always makes me kind of squirm about this episode's book is

Harlem shuffle by Colson Whitehead a New York Times describes it as a rich wild book it's about Harlem in the 1960s and about a man who owns a furnishist or and it's a kind of thriller I'll just read you a section just to just to get you excited at three thirty two p.m. two white men strolled up to the front door customers turned around on seeing the closed sign but these two cut their eyes and pressed their faces to the glass to see inside they were clean cut young men

in gas company uniforms that were not theirs they weren't meatheads like a lot of muscle panting after a few punches these dudes were fit in clean like astronauts that new generation half his age pepper grabbed a spot in his belly where the knife had gone deep it already hurt

and looked up morning side to the side door of the office the blonde astronaut walked the other way

“to the wall between the store and the barn next door they returned to the front door conferred”

and left five minutes later they were back the redheaded astronaut went down to pick or

pop the lock on the grate and rolled it up while the other pretended to consult a clipboard

“on a job wearing the clothes of a waiter or porter gave pepper free passage among white people”

same way a white man in an official looking uniform in a negro neighborhood can get into a

lot of places no sweat a cop uniform sends one message a utility man's another

long as they're not there to turn off the electricity the redheaded astronaut picked the front door without a fuss and his companion wheeled a metallic box over the threshold a settle in torch most likely so that's about the size of it for this episode thank you for all questions I hope you've enjoyed wasting some time I hope we have successfully helped you take a break because that's our mission please if you feel inspired send me some questions via Instagram at ill advised by Bill Nye and

“remember if you had a teenage band with an interesting name and you wrote songs and you can remember”

the lyrics to your signature song please do send them in to the I'm with the band feature so I'll see you next time and in the meantime stay loose ill advised by Bill Nye was produced by Alice Williams and Keara Gregory the assistant producer as Angelique Selma's pronounced Selma's and is an iPod Studios production and yes I would like to add myself as an executive producer only I'm not Bill Nye's so there you go