EP 2 - The Handyman of West Texas

And that's the thing, it's oilful, we're all kind of rough and tubal kind of guy, so I'm not polish, I don't go to work in the student-tyle kind of deal. And Mickey, this recently divorced oilfield fracker, starts looking for work as a handyman to mix an extra money and to have something productive to do on his time off.

The first ad was kind of along the lines of, you know,

I'm a jack-of-all-trades handyman, I'm available 24 hours a day for the next week to do all the things at your home that have been neglected.

“Do you have a honeydew list that hasn't been touched on your man?”

I didn't realize how suggestive I was being. And on Mickey's first handyman house call, he quickly realizes this job is going to require one very special tool that he keeps in his pants.

She's like, what do you think? And I turned around to look at her and she immediately leans in

and starts kissing me. She's starting kissing you. Like, like, tongue in mouth, tongue in mouth. And this amorous housewife is pretty well known in Midland. She was. She was a deacon in her church. I'm Jonathan Walton, and this is the handyman of West Texas. Episode 2. Coco Cola Can Thickness

“So you're rolling it up on this mansion in the middle of the desert and what are you thinking?”

I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to be able to charge a fair amount. She's not going to even blink at it. The mansions in Midland, Texas are large and ostentatious. They're also spread out with each one sitting on acres of shrubless, brown, arid land. So nosy neighbors in Lucky Luce are hard pressed to figure out what exactly Mickey is doing there. His work truck parked in the driveway is a great cover. And that housewife, a woman named, is about to open the front door.

What kind of car do you have? I don't know what kind of car I'm talking about. It's like in a garage. Yeah, in her six car garage. She had a six car garage. She was huge. Jesus. In Midland, Texas. Six cars. Also, it's summer now. And the Texas heat, it's punishing.

“I made the mistake of starting a mid-July in Texas. That was awful. Yes. What was the highest”

114, 115 degrees? Easily. Because what's interesting about Texas is that people have never been

during the summer, even when the wind blows. It's a hot wind. You feel like a oven hitting your face with wind. Yeah. It's bizarre. It's not like in California, even Florida, where there's like a nice breeze. And oh, that's cooling. In Texas, it's like a hot wind. Yeah. It makes it worse. The only refuge from all those high temperatures is the AC. Mickey is now standing at the front door, ringing that fancy doorbell. What's the door look like? It's a huge, I mean, I don't know.

I can't even gauge how big it was, but it was huge. Like an oversized door. It was two oversized doors. I don't say you walk until the door to a castle. Exactly. I could just feel and pull it up the ropes in the back. It's a huge double door. Easily 10 feet high. You know. And she opens the door herself. Weren, you know, I guess what her normal tire would be in the afternoon. Light summer clothes. Very transparent, almost, blouse and kind of light to pre-pants and has a drinking

one hand wearing sunglasses in the house. We're in sunglasses inside. Yeah. And what did this woman look like? She was attractive. She was probably early to mid-50s, well taken care of, really nice figure from what I could tell. She's keeping it tight. She is. And I mean, I guess she has nothing else to do. Well, her husband's working all day. So they got a gym in the house. Oh, she's inside. She's attractive blonde. Well, about five foot. Maybe

a hundred pounds. Oh. She was just good looking. An attractive woman. What happens next? When she tells you, she opens the door. Hi. Thanks for coming. Hi. And she, you know,

And she's, she's like, let me let me show you what I need done.

“And so we walked to the back warehouse and she's kind of showing me these shutters that I can't”

really see much wrong with them. She's, she's saying that they need to be repaired. Like, okay, you know, well, let me give me a couple minutes. Let me take a look at them and then I'll let you know.

And big enclosed patio area, a huge pool for a nice house. I mean, like I said, it's a million dollar

home in the middle of nowhere. There's not a blade of grass to be seen, but, you know, nice home, nonetheless. Are you measuring what do these shutters need to be repaired? What's your assessment? Well, I'm looking at the shutters and I'm trying to find what could possibly be wrong with them because it doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with them. They're first aesthetics more than anything. They're not actual operational shutters. So I'm looking at the shutters and, you know, before I know

it, she's calling me inside. And so at this point, the shutters don't seem like they need fixer. She doesn't need, yeah, as far as I can see, you know, I can do work to the shutters, but they didn't need any work. There was nothing to be repaired. There's nothing wrong with them. And what are you thinking at that point? This woman's crazy. I thought she was crazy. I thought she's crazy, but hey, you know, maybe they really, you know, are just trying to find ways to

spend money. You know, you need money. And I can help with that. Yeah. So what happens? You're outside looking at the shutters. I'm outside looking at the shutters. Then she's like, hey, why don't you come in? And so I come back inside and she's like, would you like to drink? And I was like, yeah, whatever,

“whatever you have is fine. Didn't realize she met a helicopter. Who?”

She was drinking gin or vodka or something. Ooh. And I said, yeah, vodka's fine. Because she said, what would you like vodka whiskey? She started naming all these liquors. And I said, okay, I'll take a vodka. And so she pours me a drink. And she's like, sit down. It's hot outside. You know, take a load off. It's like, I literally just got in there a couple of minutes earlier. And so I said, okay, so I sat down on the couch and she brought me a drink. It's a huge wrap around couch.

And, you know, she decided to sit right next to me. I mean, like, right next to me, it's a six person sofa and she sat, you know, inches away from me. At this point, the signs are all there. This woman clearly does not want her shutters fixed at all. She wants something else entirely. And even though Mickey knows what she's getting at, he's reluctant to make a move. And what do you think? I'm thinking, okay, you know,

she's attractive woman. It's like, is this possibly, you know, more than, or something else,

than I had originally thought. And sure enough, you know, I didn't even take a first drink.

You know, she's like, what do you think? And I turned around to look at her and she immediately leans in and starts kissing me. She started kissing you, like, tongue in mouth, tongue in mouth. And so I was taking it back. I was in, I was prepared, but not prepared. I wasn't expecting

“it to progress that fast. And it did. What did you kiss back? Like, what do you do?”

Oh, yeah. That point. I, I, I, I look somewhere to put my glass down, started embracing her and kissing her back. And next thing I know we're talking to each other's clothes. I'm taking off her blouse, taking off my shirt, then can my pants. And it did progress pretty quickly. Mickey is in the living room of this woman's grand house, festooned with crystal chandeliers, gilded fixtures and oversized furniture. And he sees framed pictures of her and her husband

and her and her college aged kids all around on tables, on walls, on her phone's home screen. There are even pictures of her as a deacon in her church with her pastor and parishioners hanging on the wall too. But in that moment when Mickey's heart's racing and his hormones are surging, the physical chemistry he has with this married woman is just so overwhelming. And the idea of pumping the brakes or just walking away from what's about to go down is non-existent.

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rujiat.com/waltent So we started taking you to the clothes off and before I know it was both completely naked on our couch and she's got these really beautiful, perky-fake tits, fake tits. Oh yeah, they were completely

“fake but they were like great. She had like implants to like support, like what did it fake how?”

Fake, they were completely, you could tell that they were implants, you know, she was, like I said, she was in a mid 50s and they were like up high. Oh yeah, they were choking her. But apparently they have the money to get them done right because they looked natural enough. You knew they were fake but they didn't look, you know, two out of bounds plasticy where it was actually a turnoff. No, she looked, she looked good. So you were turned on. Oh yeah,

completely, immediately. And she grabbed my cock. When she pulled it out, she said, oh my god,

I love your cock. It's perfect. It looks like fucking a deal though I've seen in the, in ads that I'm always

too afraid to buy. And again, what a compliment. It was, but I attributed to, you know,

“she's just being put in the heat of the moment. I think those are the kind of things you say.”

Remember, Mickey grows up a sheltered Catholic boy who never changes in front of anyone and he never sees other guys naked. The only other penises he's looked at are impornos, which are the same size as his. So he thinks he's normal. And this housewife is the first woman to lay her hands on Mickey's manhood since his divorce. So initially, he dismisses her compliment. So still, it doesn't occur to you that you're rocking a huge day. It does not. There are none so blind

as those who will not see. Anyway, we're completely naked on the couch and we somehow either roll off or get somehow we end up on her on her rug and they're living room, very plush, very luxurious rug and we're rolling around the floor naked. And I reach up, I clean up, I'm sucking on her breasts.

“She's kissing me and it's, it's, it's wild. It devolves into wild animalistic sex, you know,”

before I even knew what was happening. It was just like visceral. It was your land animal responding.

Yeah, and I just was never the plan. It was not the plan at all. I was not prepared for this at all.

And, you know, I was, I got prepared pretty quick. She helped me along with that. And then when she gets on top, she grabs on a cock and she's kind of aiming herself. So she could start straggling me and she said, "You got to give me a minute because I've never taken anyone as big as you before." So I, you know, at least twice as big as my husband. I learned over time that the average, you know, penis size anywhere from 45 inches and I was eight and a half

and quite thick. I would say Coca-Cola can thickness. Coca-Cola can thickness. Wow. I can only imagine, logistically speaking, how tricky that is to navigate. But this hypersexual housewife has come too far to turn back now. Mickey is her Mount Everest and she's determined to reach the summit one way or another. She's grabbing my cock when I'm on the floor and leave kind of

leverage in herself on top and she's like, "I have to take it slow. I have never had anyone this

thick before." And I was like, "Okay, and she's taking her time. My hands are on her ass and I'm just kind of supporting her and she's lowering herself really slowly on me and she's, you know, not screaming but she's not being quiet about, you know, what's happening is I'm stretching her out and she took quite a while before she was able to finally, you know, take it all in and before she started writing me." And once she gets acclimated to Mickey's length and Coca-Cola can thickness, she goes crazy.

Thrashing back and forth for a good 10 minutes, moaning and groaning and spasming.

and did she have a more handsome? She had several. And I've learned over time as, you know, during my marriage everything was kind of video, you know, but when the women, you know, get to take control and they get on top. When they get on top, you know, they know what feels good and I don't even have to do a thing. They, you know, adjust to what I have and they force themselves, you know, or, yes, but they're able to achieve

orgasm so much easier when they're writing. And she did twice before we switched positions and I wrote her and I got on top. So she had two orgasms before you even had one. Yes, that's the opposite of how it normally works with a man and a woman from what I hear.

I mean, I'm a gay guy. I've never slept with a woman. I'm a ghost, you're gay.

But normally the complaint is the mannal, huff and puff and finish and the woman is still waiting.

“But that's not the case here. She had two orgasms before you even got to what?”

Yeah, and you know, it wasn't like that when I was younger. It was definitely, you know, the stereotypical guy finishes, rolls over and he's, he's tired and the girl goes to bed, you know, on satisfied. But over the years, you know, being married lots of sex, I've learned, you know, to control myself and actually kind of force the issue where I'm, you know, I'm specifically not even trying to achieve orgasm, you know, because I'm having a great time

regardless, you know, orgasm sometimes, you know, I've learned. I don't even orgasm.

I'd say a good 25% of the time. I could finish the, the evening, never orgasm, but I'm having

wonderful time. She's orgasm several times and, you know, they go away completely satisfied. I go away completely satisfied, even though I never orgasm. Is part of the conceit I may need this later, so let me say that, because I'm on call, I could get called again and again and again, and I want to be able to perform? No, not really. You're happy not to come. I'm completely satisfied, never coming. Some of my best experiences I've never came.

It's odd. Yeah. It's not God. Yeah. Yeah. Most guys just want to come and get out of there. Yeah,

“and that's a problem. That's why guys really don't have success. You know, they have a lot of”

one-night stands, but the women are never going to call it back, because why would they? You know,

they didn't get anything out of the experience. The guy did, you know, but guys generally are selfish, and I try never to be in the bedroom. And ladies, you say the perfect man doesn't exist. Anyway, Mickey is now in the living room of this married woman's Midland Texas mansion, and she's having the time of her life. She was vocal throughout the whole time, and, you know, that pumped up my ego, and, you know, she was riding me, and I was on top of her, then I turned her

around, had her doggy style, and so how long did this first meeting this first sexual encounter last? So she's riding you. She orgasms twice. She changed positions. Do you have an orgasm? I did. I did the first time. And I think, and how long were you there total? How long did you

“guys have sex that day? I think it was probably there around 45 minutes total. I think it's wow.”

She got a lot in. Oh, yeah. In every conceivable way. Yeah, I got a lot in. Yeah, because I was only there about five minutes before, just in the past. Oh, yeah. It started pretty quickly. Yeah. And tongue down the throat. Yeah. Wow. She takes initiative. She did, and I'm glad she did, because I never would have, you know, because if you would have, she could have called the cops. If she does. Exactly. Exactly. And it's funny. It's a man-woman thing, right? It is.

And it's terrible. And it's great at the same time, because, you know, it gives them a little bit of control and power to take the initiative and takes all the stress off of me as far as, hey, am I reading the science wrong? Am I, you know, actually here to fix her shutters? And, you know, I'm getting slapped and handcuffed. And yeah, I'm going to go to jail. Exactly. Yeah. Especially, you know, looking how I do and looking how she does. Yeah.

Yeah. Midland taxes. Exactly. Oh, yeah. They're just looking for a reason to lock you up. Yeah. They have nothing else to do. Yeah. And that's hot. So you roll around this woman 45 minutes. She orgasms twice. You orgasm once. You put your clothes on. It's time to go. What do you say? What does she say? What does she

we're both spent. You're sweaty. We're sweaty. It's hot. We're laying there together side-by-side

“naked on our rug and the living room. Oh, you worried her husband might come home?”

You know, not until we rolled over spent, did that thought even cross my mind. You know, I was, I was, my mind was elsewhere. Let's, let's put it that way. And then I was thinking, oh, God, you know, Billy Bob come home anytime and, you know, murder us both. And until the handle thing is in Midland taxes. Everyone has guns. Yeah. You know, everyone's got a gun. It's, so we see to have a gun, you can go into a Walmart and buy a gun. That same day,

which is block right out. And people are carrying guns in the open. Oh, yeah. You know, people carry around their holsters. And yeah, it's, it's, it's very much a, a Texas themed kind of a stereo type. But it's there for a reason. Right. It's like the wild west over there. Yeah, people have gun racks in their trucks. You know, you can see a couple rifles and shotguns and back of everyone's

“truck and, you know, yep. That's how things are in that part of the country. I spent seven years”

living in Texas, working as a TV reporter in the early 2000s. I'm Jonathan Walton. We are live tonight at Christmas Central in San Antonio. And it really is a different kind of state

with a barvado second to none because for nearly 10 years back in the early 1800s, Texas was actually

its own country before it became a state that was known as the Republic of Texas. And that pride and independent spirit is everywhere still to this day. I mean, nearly every TV commercial you watch in Texas. The Texas Amhert. The idea of being an ass kicker and Texas tough is you ubiquitous. Grand Jam proving bills, repairs, roofs, Texas, tough. I'm running orange, Texas, tough.

“So basically, everyone in Texas is either an ass kicker or aspires to be an ass kicker.”

And sleeping with another man's wife is more than enough to get your ass kicked or worse as Mickey

knows all too well. In this postnut clarity that washes over you, you start thinking the husband

could come home and shoot me. And that's where I start wrapping things up. Yeah. Oh my god, what just happened here? You know, you're obviously married to a millionaire. And this is Texas, your Anglo as Mexican as you can get, you know, a very dark skin. And I was like, I wouldn't say you're very dark skin compared to her. I was okay. So it was just a white side side side she was alabaster. Yes, you know, you know, you look like dark darkness. You know,

I mean, nothing about it. I like pretty dark and middle. I got my LA goggles on exactly. This is the diverse melting pot. Not so much over there. Yeah. Okay. So you stand out over there. I do. And when the realization kind of washes over me, as we're laying there naked kind of spanned, it's like, I'm going to start getting my clothes on because, you know, I got to get the hell out of here who knows if the husband is going to show up

or kids or, you know, whoever might show up and find us here in this way, naked on her living or a floor. So I start, you know, getting up gathering my clothes and she lanes over and she kisses me. She's like, thank you for such a great time. Like, I can't wait till the next time. The next time. So she's already planning ahead. And I'm thinking in my mind, that is awesome at the same time. Still getting my clothes on because, yeah, you know, I don't know the circumstances.

I don't know her husband's schedule. I don't know anything at this point. I thought I was going over for a legitimate job that, you know, turned sideways in my favorite. But and so as I'm getting my clothes and starting to get dressed, she goes to her pocketbook. That's sitting on the table next to our drinks. She pulls out a couple hundred dollars and she's like, you can come over anytime and she gives me two hundred dollars for nothing other than the time

that we spent on the floor naked because I didn't do any work. I didn't fix her shutters. I didn't do anything. You did lay pipe. I did. And apparently harder than she's been laid before. So $200 for what? $45 minutes. But Mickey goes on to make thousands of dollars from this one particular wealthy housewife because she hires him a lot. How many times after that did she call you

dozen. Oh, yeah. More than 20. Probably. Yeah. 40 upwards of that. It was, and 200 bucks each time.

Every time with her with her. Because I never set a price. Right. She would never got to that point.

Right. But after that first time, she pretty much set two bucks. Right. Every time you come over,

“it's going to be two and about. And how long would all those subsequent visits last?”

Sometimes it would last longer, sometimes as much as two hours, sometimes as little as 30 minutes, depending on what her schedule was. She was up and coming walking around town. I don't she had to go to the flower society or wherever the hell rich women do. I have no idea.

But she had a social calendar. She had a social calendar. And she would fit me in when she needed me

fit in so many ways. Exactly. And you told me before, she's a church going woman. She was. Her daughter has moved to the local church. I don't know, I'm not sure what kind of

“denomination they were, but she was a church going lady. And she knew, and most times that we met,”

it was in the time frame that she knew everyone was going to be at church. Because no one was going to happen, stand, stop by because they were going to be busy in their church activities,

which apparently lasted several hours for this denomination. It was not only the church service,

but it was in fellowships and afterwards. Yeah. Yeah. And that part of the world. Yeah. Because I lived in Texas. So yeah, in a lot of these communities, the church is such a huge presence and informs and occupies your day. Just for the church, doctor the church is for the church doing this.

“Yeah, we're volunteering. Yeah, church aside. This experience, Mickey has with this wealthy”

housewife really opens his eyes to a world of possibilities. I realized at that moment, she's probably not the only one in Midland that could use the same kind of services. And in no time, word of mouth, or rather word of Mickey's giant cyclops, spreads far and wide across the vast plains of West Texas. And before long, I started getting, you know, a lot of other handyman calls out of all the calls you get for handyman work,

how many end up in sex? 75%. Next time on the handyman of West Texas, a lot of your encounters involve pictures. Like, they want you to take pictures in video of them in the last five years. You know, I have accumulated quite a catalog. Oh, we're going to get into all that and so much more. In the meantime, why are you listening to this podcast alone? Hit the Share button on your podcast app and text the handyman of West Texas to the people in your life who enjoy it and can listen

along with you and talk about it and leave us a five star review or in Mickey's case, an eight and a half star review on whatever platform you're listening on. The handyman of West Texas was created, written and hosted by me Jonathan Walton for Jonathan Walton Media, executive producer Evan Goldstein, all sound design and editing was done by Jimmy O'Holigan, make sure you're subscribed to Jonathan Walton Media so you can get alerts when new episodes

drop. And if you've got a great story that you think deserves its own podcast series, pitch it to me at Jonathan Walton.com.