#754 - RICK INGRAHAM + BERT KREISCHER

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“Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?”

Oh my God, how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, everybody?

Fernando Cascio Rove, Alejo Carlos, so some Michael Gonzalez, not just Bel Grande, we have

the great Dave Cher playing guitar for us here tonight, John B's on the keys, and that's DiMadness on the bass guitar, everybody. They have the new Killtony band on YouTube, and they're hit single Pandemonium is available everywhere. This episode of the number one live podcast in the world is brought to you by Quos,

Zippercruter and Shopify. Hi guys, Phil and tonight good. It's good in here, it feels real good.

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“You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show at what?”

We are braving the freezing weather and what a warm hot show I have for you, ladies and gentlemen, two of the biggest comedians in the world, two of the funniest human beings on planet earth, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of my favorites, make some fucking noise for BirdCrisher and Rick Engrell. Freepert is out now on Netflix, it is one of the top shows on Planet Earth, welcome back

BirdCrisher. It's good to be here, I've been here all fucking week, and I will be here all week because of this goddamn storm Tony, how many mistranslations do you think happen in Kitchens this Thursday before the storm came in, they were like, "Hey, ice is coming, I'm going to go fall."

Thank you, that took dead after a week, so it might as well get it out. Look how that double on Tondra while you can, exactly Rick Engrell, his new special crowd pleaser is out on the comedy story YouTube now, Rick is one of the funniest fucking human beings on planet earth, Rick was the guest, fun fact, for those of you that consider yourself, Kiltoni fans Rick was the guest on episode one of Kiltoni before it even had

its name, it was called Hinge Cliffs The Notes with an apostrophe, there's a lot of people who said that my presence on Hinge Cliffs Notes is what made Kiltoni necessary. It's true, it got the pilot picked up for episode two, we renamed it, and the rest is history. What other names were in the running?

That was another run. It was like his ninth at the time. The Pride Red Band Experience. And now I'm the only person left to stuck working with him, so it's funny how these

The privilege.

“Oh, what an amazing privilege it is, we love him, how about a hand for Red Band, everybody?”

I mean, just adorable, he had a link rolled a cat hair off of him earlier, he said, quote, "The cat slept on my shirt, this is my business partner, everybody. You guys know how this show works over 300 human beings signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show, they're all stacked on top of each other in an unbelievably disgusting bar next door hoping and praying that they get pulled out of this bucket.

I'm going to let the corpse of John Bene Ramsey pick the first name out of the bucket, congratulations. Okay, I believe she's here.

It's amazing, the people that travel here for this show, it's absolutely incredible.

They'll just as hard as you are. So while we go, well, we go wrangle that first comedian and you guys know how it works, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know their time is up and you're the son of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then I'll just bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, who's very angry at a 90, even though

he likes the cold weather, he's very, very angry. Well, we go wrangle that first comedian, we have a special treat for you guys to start tonight's show. A regular who we haven't seen in quite some time, a master of the interview portion of the show and the great return of the one and only ladies and gentlemen, if you know the

words, sing along. This is Hans Camp.

Hey, I hope you guys are staying warm, you know, driving safe, there's a lot of ice on

the road and not just the good kind. Not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy latinists don't suck or cocks, but the bad kind that enters your home without a warrant. My only problem with ice is that they're going after every minority group except black people.

I mean, you're trying to reduce crime. You can just give it a more room to breathe.

“I understand, can you imagine the shape you have to be into, deport black people?”

Yeah, I'm actually training for the three gun competition right now, I'll show you shoot a pistol rifle in a shotgun and under three minutes. Just in case I get car jacked at an antique rally and a flock of quail fly by it. All right, that's my time, thank you so much. All right, Ron's Kim, let me go.

Bert, you grabbed out my quick. Oh, I didn't mean to. I just, you know, I haven't been able to laugh at this whole ice situation. So it was nice that you brought liberty to it. Thank you.

I'm kidding, I'm laughing all weekend. Hans, fun set. I agree with almost everything that you said, I didn't understand the three gun competition thing at the end. Is that a thing that happened?

Yeah, that's a type of gun competition, it's just where you shoot around with the boys. It felt like a very specific type of racism that only he knows about. But he is Asian, so that's the highest level of racist. That is true. Not a lot of people know this, Asians are the most racist people.

I thought people knew that when I made fun of an Asian back in 2021, turns out nobody fucking knew it somehow or everybody forgot it all at once. And I got in big trouble and I needed to find an Asian to come in and be my token Asian. And this wasn't the Asian? No, that's the Asian that I got to replace the old Asian.

Uh-huh.

“Is it racist that we both thought he was the Asian that we were talking about?”

No, I was like, there's no way Tony ever went for two. I mean, only one can replace the other. He was the yow to my ming, so it worked amazingly. Your life is good, right, Hans?

Yeah, of course, it's amazing.

Um, yeah, I'm doing great. Um, yeah, I went camping recently in Big Bend, just out there by myself, just enjoying the Texas countryside, you know, just soaking it in. Ah, you went by yourself? Yeah, serial killer shit.

Yeah, it's like a meditative, you know, getting to know myself, just thinking a lot about my life and rew on your phone out there. Yeah. Oh, okay. So meditative.

What else did you do while camping, Hans? Um, I smoked a joint, um, you know, did some mushrooms?

Yeah, dangerous. Those eyes closed all the way. Yeah. Out in the woods by yourself, just like Helen Keller, like, ah, or howren Keller. That is correct.

I love it.

“So Hans, how long were you camping out there by yourself for four days, three nights?”

Wow. I didn't know myself. How often are you jerking off in this situation? It's actually really cold, so it kind of, he could find it. His eyes are closed.

He's got chopsticks down there going like, I know. Keep telling me more about this camping trip. So you didn't jerk off at all four days? I did once. Um, can you explain to us how that went down exactly?

Can you imagine you're hiking through the Texas wood and you come across what at first

you assume is a Sasquatch. Only to find out that it's an Asian guy masturbating on mushrooms. You expect that in Oklahoma. You don't expect that here. And the best part is he can't see you.

So you and your family just circle around him away till he's done. He's high as shit as eyes are closed, he's like a bruised dick, and your youngest is like imaging your legs, only your more about camping. Oh, yeah, I had a great time. Amazing, Hans.

Why was he away for a while? Why by yourself, also? Uh, this is easier to jerk off that way. Okay, we're with four weeks. I brought you guys out here to watch me and I at jerk off.

This is what friends do I thought.

“Did you see anybody else out there when you were camping?”

Were there other people? I saw a bunch of dudes, just camping, they were like tactical men. Were they with each other? Were they following the general rule if it's not as creepy if there's more than one? Yeah, they were a proud boy of men.

Ah. Four dudes in tactical gear, come upon an Asian in the woods, and then I can't go old school and hunt them. A lot, Charlie references. Oh, yeah.

We used to fight Asians, millennials. You will again, soon. Ooh, Hansi, boy. All right, Hans another great new set. You got the show started for us.

Thank you so much. Thank you, Charlie. Thank you. And now we rotate over to the deer in St. Bucket of Destiny where we actually meet people. Anything can happen.

Makes a noise for your first bucket pole.

It's a big viney ladies and gentlemen, here we go. I have not a chance to get medicated yet tonight.

“Does anybody have a spare ozampic they could throw up on stage?”

I could really use that shit. Has anybody in here ever gone fat splashing before? I'm sorry. I call skinny dipping. I used to date this Latina.

She would make me drive her really far to try new restaurants. The reason she broke up with me, she found out her name and my phone was torta the explorer. Yeah, that's fucked me up, that was hard, it was even rougher that I had her in my phone as torta. All right, guys, that's been my time of the big viney.

Big viney. It's even in his name, folks, his entire identity is his weight.

Meanwhile, he's the third-fatest guy up here right now.

I lost, sorry bird, we still have those jokes in LA. We know red bands number one, bird number two, medium viney here doing nothing but ozampic and fat jokes. So yeah, it's slightly less big viney is what I've been going by. I'm kidding, bird.

You're not that fat. You seem like you got a little different of my first. Oh my, Charlie, I lost 45 pounds, I shit blood in the morning.

No drugs for me, just run in an eaten right fucking, okay, I'm a T.L.P. or I get it, fuck you. Oh, let me introduce you. Eating right, he says, just in a minute of fat jokes. Yeah.

“Well, have you eaten today, what food have you consumed since this morning?”

I just had, only today, I really only had a chicken salad sandwich, yeah, I made myself. Wow, what did you put grapes in it? What? What did you put grapes in it? No, that's fucking, there's a lot of sugar in grapes, it's bad for you, man.

Okay. Damn.

She's getting health advice from big, tiny, the first bucket pull.

This is not good. It didn't get to cues to not being fat, and he's like a better start telling people how to be healthy. So tell us exactly how you made the chicken salad then. Give us your recipe, big Vinny.

I had a half a rotisserie chicken left for me. Wow. The other half was dinner last night? Yep, correct. Good.

So I pulled it apart and threw some mayo on there, you know, fucking, a little bit onion, some garlic powder, some salt, fucking, like that shit, and then I fucking threw some bolillo, or whatever they call it, from vegetables and the fucking oven. What is that last thing? A bolillo?

Do you guys know what that is? Yeah. So a little like bread roll they make, because they don't have like fucking, fish, baked bread here, Mexican, and fucking Texas. They don't have that.

“Like, like, I mean, like, delis that I'm used to, I'm used to paninis and shit, like”

that.

What are you, where are you from?

We are. Okay. You live here now or are you just visiting? No, I live here. I've been living here in a lot of past year.

Yeah, okay. Have you got healthy here? Can I make a note? You're way more passionate about your chicken salad sandwiches than you are your comedy. Yeah.

Like you get really into these chicken salads. No, I do count any almost ready. I got it. There was no part of the comedy where he gave like a little, I love comedy. But he wanted to make sure you guys knew that he wasn't just fucking salt-shaker in.

I move around more when I have more time, and like, the minute I just shorten up, most of my jokes, like, I don't know, I could try to like, do one or two in like length. It's okay. Big Vinnie. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

There are three years or three years, so two of it in New York, one of it here. Phoenix Arizona's where I started, right after the pandemic. Okay. What made you do? Right at around a lot.

Yeah.

What made you move to Phoenix?

So I just, I knew my brother wanted to travel around and we picked Phoenix, that's where we ended up. He found a good job and I figured it would be a good place to start comedy. I didn't want to start here. Since your connoisseur, who has a better bread, Phoenix are Austin?

“Definitely, that's how they're both suck, but, uh, Austin, I don't give it to him being able”

to get bread. Yeah. Like, there's that, there's got to be an Italian bakery, really, somewhere. There's a ton of great. I'm sugar.

It's so sweet. Yeah, a ton. Two children boomer. Yeah. What's your take on, uh, on, uh, British bread?

That's okay. Yeah. I don't like, yeah. It's hard to bite through, and it feels like the meat squirts up. Two squishy.

Chabata, Chabata. No, I don't like that. I fuck with Chabata. Chabata's not bad. Yeah.

Like, nice toasted Chabata. Yeah. Welcome. Welcome to another episode of Fat Tony, everybody. What are your thoughts on pumpkin, Nicole?

Ooh. Too much fucking shit going on there. Okay. That guy's talking bread. That's going to get America United.

I love it. Okay. So big Vinnie, let's talk about it. What's been going on in your life? What is that?

People talking about bread sound. Let's hear that one more time. [ Laughter ] I love the horn section. [ Laughter ]

Roasting with a trombone. This is out of control. I think we just got baked. Yeah. Big Vinnie, give us a fun fact about your life.

That would surprise us about you. Something special that makes you you. I collect sports cards and that's like what I've been living off of selling that. I like sports cards and Pokemon cards singles. I don't set up a fucking the store with a tent and fucking scalp like those scumbags.

And that's your job? Oh, yeah. That's what you make money. So I was working at cheers for like seven months as a door guide. But then after that, I started selling cards and living off that.

Wow. So what you do is you steal Pokemon cards from the kids in the West. [ Laughter ] No. And then you resell those.

So I've had a single mom like I was talking up with a single mom. Oh yeah. Guys. So she took I just said I didn't know about this single mom store. [ Laughter ]

I don't want to be a accomplice and whatever. [ Laughter ] All right.

So she was having trouble paying the rent one month.

And so she turned to her son's Pokemon cards. No. He had to say goodbye to his Charizard GX. Are you serious? How much does a Charizard go for?

It depends which one. There's so many. Yeah. His collection was probably $1,500. Why the rent?

Yeah. Oh, my God. You see what? That bomb is so single. What a bitch.

She took that $1,500. And he started a child trafficking ring. Crazy business plan. My God. $1,500.

Charizard. No, it was like probably a binderful of like 30 cards. Oh, my God.

“So did the kid have any Pokemon cards left by the time you were done pounding out this single mom?”

[ Laughter ] Uh, yeah. I left him with some Christmas gifts. Yeah.

What kind of Christmas gifts?

Exactly. Let me guess half a rotisserie chicken. [ Laughter ] The filled with Pokemon cards. A little brother that he won't pay for.

[ Laughter ] Not unless those don't madingly rated rookies pick up in value. [ Laughter ] Me and all the moms sitting like, he's so Vinny's so good with my son. They just sit and go through his Pokemon cards.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you got that, buddy. No, no. You know, there's not that valuable anymore. [ Laughter ]

Oh, yeah. You don't want this one. This is worth nothing. [ Laughter ] So how much money do you think you've made?

Slinging cards. If you had the guess, ballpark. Well, just that enough to like pay my rent and stuff. Probably like $20,000 less six months. So you're out there selling the cards.

But how are you getting them? How do you know when you find a deal? So like, I buy collections.

“Like, people are trying to get out of it.”

Obviously, you got to pay like half of what the cards are worth. And stuff, even less versus your luck. You're like a coin star machine for cards. Can I ask you a really serious question? If someone gave you, say, like, $500,000.

Said invests us in cards. What could you turn that into? Oh, I could make that into it. Like, how long are you talking? How long time?

Probably a foot and a half Italian sub. [ Laughter ] Full rotisserie chicken. [ Laughter ] This time with the grapes.

Because when you got that kind of cash, you don't care about the sugar. [ Laughter ] To an HB. But have you seen Jake Paul talk about his card

that he wears around his neck? What? He talks about the investment versus the newities and real estate. And it's fucking crazy.

And just scammer. He's a scammer. Say that once again for the internet. Yeah. Logan Paul, he's no good.

Wow. Looks like I'm going to have to fight in a box and ring in a few months. [ Laughter ] All right.

Big Vinny.

“You were the first bucket pull the night.”

Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. Gotta start somewhere. Big Vinny, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ]

Here we go. With your second bucket pull of the night ladies. Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi everyone. Oh, my goodness gracious. The crowd goes wild.

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To get $50 in line-ups after you play your first $5 line-up. Guys, prize picks. It's good to be right. Alright, your next football goes by the name of Greg Bergman, everybody. Greg Bergman.

Here we go. I'm in a great mood. I'm dating a beautiful girl, beautiful girl. I shouldn't say girl. She actually identifies as non-binary.

Yeah. Which I gotta say, fellas, is the best of both worlds. You know what? I come home from work. I'm going to depending on my mood.

I can make love to her or beat this shit at hand. You know what? You get away with it. No, no, no officer. She put on the makeup to cover the black eye.

I gave him. Not the other way around. You know? You get away with it. It's amazing.

Well, I was signed up $57 times. I don't know if I'll be back. I have to tell Austin. I have the biggest penis in Austin. This is a fact.

I do.

I have the biggest thing in Austin.

I'm not bragging. I bought it. That's odd. Allow me to explain.

“About 10 years ago, we're Lincoln would say half a score.”

I got a penis implant. Made a movie about a big like me. And there's only one caveat. They can only make a thicker, not longer. You know?

And I'm a little disproportionate. I got to be honest. It's just supposed to go twice. I went three times. Third time the charm.

I'm hung like a hockey puck. It's really. A couple of cans of tuna stacked on top or another. But not that cheap bumblebee shit. I don't know about that abocor, but that solid white meat.

That's what I got. True. All right. Great. Birdman.

Oh. Great. I missed the big dick thing. Can you explain? I was trying to, I was doing three things.

Oh. Literally missed it. I have one. Big dick dick. That was it.

Oh.

You really didn't have a big dick.

I was like, I must have missed a bunch of it. That was just that. Yeah. I have a penis implant. And you really do?

Yeah. I do. It's fun. Yeah. You really do.

No. I do. Okay. So let's talk. Let's start there.

Yeah. I can imagine starting one else.

“So is it what I'm seeing right now bulging out of your pair?”

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that your dick? That is a fucking watch.

I know. Touch or jeans. Touch it. It's not gay if it's a name. Touch it.

No. Oh. Oh. Good. It is a little hard.

Just now. That's just the plastic stuff. Does it stay like that? No. So yeah.

It hangs more because it's plastic in it. So murder. Okay. That's fucking real. Yeah.

I'm just heard. You tell a ghost story at a campfire. And I got my tent and saw shadows. You can dream really do come. That is a solid cock.

And it's just. It's limp. That's the one you want is the the one that black guys having the shower. That's it. This is incredible.

We've been doing this show 13 years. And I have seven hundred and eighty four questions remaining.

My first question is, why is Bert kind of hard.

Now this is how it goes. You have to touch Berts. And then it goes all the way down until red man comes in his pants. All right. So great.

I don't even know where to begin. When did you get this penis in plan? How odd. Two thousand. Okay.

Two thousand fourteen. I made a movie about it. Go up big like me. It's on two be now. The director's couch now.

Two. Fantastic. And we can watch. Yeah. And the perfect network.

Well, there was just nothing. We called on here. Oh, that got to stop us as west. Two months before we were done editing it. Fuck me.

It's exceptionally similar. So it's fucked me with festival. So that guy now has cancer. I think I'm glad. Oh my god.

But that little dick. He didn't go all the way. I went all the way. I got it. Can I make one?

Just suggesting from a professional community. Yeah. You got to close with the dick. Okay. You can't open with it.

I can't stop the heat. You're dick. Yeah. It's so prominent. It is like.

I thought Bert was going to say when you come out on stage to start your set. You just pull it out and then do your whole set with your dick hanging out. I'm a star. I can be like star. I made it.

I made it. I made it. I made it. I made it. I made it.

Here's my. I have an idea. You come out with your dick out. It has a shirt on. Yep.

And then you pull the shirt off. And the crowd goes wild. This is why you're who you want. Okay. So let's start with the question that everybody wants to know.

Exactly. How big was your dick pre-employed. Okay. So. You can only make it pick.

It only make it thicker. That's not true. They have thick. Let's not argue about it. I know.

That's not deeper. That's not true. It's not true. It's not true. Did you mean?

You can get shot though. They're not like it. Okay. Shot off. They can make it longer.

But only really when it's flat. Nobody cares about that.

“But really they think this is what matters.”

It was a normal thing. Everything was normal. We're also wouldn't be compelling. If it was a tiny dick, it's not funny. If it's a big dick, one's bigger.

Normal dick, normal legs, normal girth. Maybe a little small, but normal. In the in the statistical average. She might fucking numbers. You have to a doctor.

Okay. Okay. Well, the average. The average. The girth is five inches circumference.

That's where I was. So right in the statistical mean. But I blew my shit up. I went three times not twice. It's supposed to go twice.

I got eight and a half inches circumference down. Like a shane diesel. Right next to him. Wow. I'm eight.

He's eight and a half. Eight inches circumference. But also that's like. It's like a Tony. Like for you to know just for your reference.

I think I can fit that. It's unnecessary. No one has to. It's not. You don't have to.

So he's heated. She's around right now. Yeah.

Depending on humidity and stuff. It's for a trade. You don't want to make your work. It's solved. Yeah.

A little bigger. It's like almost all the way hard. It's a little bit bigger. It's weird. It's definitely weird.

Rick. You know. What up?

“My mind is picturing the side by side of Florida and Phoenix.”

And the size is big as your wrist. That's eight inches. Eight inches. We're looking. Do we have a measuring tape?

Just for our wrist. That's not as exciting this. Tony and homo right here is like, yeah. Let's go.

Here's what I'm wondering.

Something that bigger. You even able to get it into a dude's butt. That was my next question. All right. There's a measuring tape.

Let's do birds. Let's see what we got here. Because eight around seems like a lot. Maybe I'm crazy. Well, no.

You're not. What is a can? You're not insane. Are you serious? Oh, birds got it.

There we go. That's wow. I'm all teeth, but I got it in. There's already this guy isn't the king of goddamn it. I'll do whatever you want.

This is the bird. Time people go, how did bird get his career? We're going to send that picture. It's unbelievable. It's impressive.

You need to, you need to lose the joke. Just talk about your dick. Okay.

If everyone has dick jokes, right?

We all have dick jokes. It's such a staple of comedy. And you have the best dick jokes ever because you have that thing. Right. I actually love the opening joke.

Oh, it's amazing. Yeah. It was. How long have you been to in stand-up comedy? Often on 15 years, but consistently you're in a half.

I was a little bitch. I, at the comedy store a long time ago, I've seen it like 20 years ago. I started. I stopped. I was a little bit of a bitch.

I think it's hell. You have like showbiz. You have like weird like shambual guy energy. But I'm here. Like you're very comfortable up here for that.

That's my, I'm wildly nervous actually. But I'm getting into it. I could tell your dick's big as fuck. Yeah. If you were.

That's what happened. Oh, you don't want to be nervous. Oh, my goodness. Great. But can you get your hand out?

Yeah. He popped out once. One time there was a guy on stage because I came with a shambual guy. I'm like the shambual guy's here. Let's get about here and then he did.

“One time he goes, hey, will you drive me somewhere?”

And I go, yeah, he goes, where are we going? He goes, my mom's house. And I drove him into his mom's house and he told me about how the reason he punched a prostitute was because the Church of Scientology set him up. That's, yeah, that's the same guy we met.

Yeah. Yeah. Great Bergman. How old are you? 46.

46. What have you been doing your entire life? Because again, you have these wacky energies. You have like perfect eyebrows. I did, well, I, this is my scare.

I usually get it done, but yeah. I put, uh, yeah, you were right with the get. Yeah, I figured it out. Yeah, you had it. You had it.

But are those veneers, too? Yeah. Yeah, well, the hair. Did you get, you get hair? Hair's old.

No, but he believes you. No, no, no, no, no, no. When you go 85% fake, no one takes a teeth. Everything else is real. Okay.

Fake dick hair, reals. And my eyebrows are colored in. Usually I get in a professional dip in eyebrows. You're money. But yeah, anyway.

I've been, uh, I've made some movies. Don't want to, you know, so I mean, some people did. And I, then I, I was a financial editor and I did some stock kind of stuff. And then I went poor a few times and went crazy. Give us your job.

And you're best story that involves drugs and Andy Dick. Do you have one? Do you have one? You have an Andy Dick. No, I don't have an Andy Dick story.

Wow. You take with that dick. You would have an Andy Dick story.

Absolutely incredible Greg.

So how did you make most of your money doing the financial stuff? Yeah, that and pay to do a couple movies. But mostly financials. Everyone in best of it like me. Nothing ever worked out.

But they're good. Nobody gives a shit. And Italy. They know my dick movie. Let's go back to the fucking nitty gritty here.

How much was the penis implant? How much did he do? The penis implant is 3500 per per injection. You're supposed to get two series of injections. I went three, but they gave me this guy because I made the movie.

“And that's why I have one is unusually thick.”

You're supposed to have two. I went three times. And the third time you got more. You don't know how much you're going to get. He's like a whole serum.

Yeah. This is how super villains are made. Was there any side effects from the third injection? No, it's just... Come on.

No. There must have been something. Was it, did it feel weird to pee or something? No. No side effects.

Other than why I went to New Orleans. Just right after that you probably don't do that. You got this done in New Orleans? No, I got done Mexico.

It's crap. Funny trick. No, you got beans in your burrito. Yeah. If there was ever a time to travel to Africa for plastic surgery.

I don't know if I got a Mexico. It's actually been quite good. Not too much. When they finally cut his dick open and get their cocaine back. There's a few pockets here.

[ Laughter ] That's what I talk to you all. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. You wake up.

It's going to be a way, promise. We ended up going with three shots. You have the dick of a mule.

Amazing, Bergman, amazing, great Bergman.

What's your love life like?

“Did you have a girl when you were getting these injections?”

I was married when I got these injections. Yeah. How did that end? Of course. Yeah, but that because of it.

Actually, she liked it more than before. It's something. Well, I think it's another episode of no fucking shit. Yeah, yeah. But I think the kind of...

Maybe it was the kind of person who would do it. She left me, so yeah. Why? Why do you think she left you? Did she leave you for another man?

No. No. She left me. The movie was got a little bit too much. It's taken a lot.

Also, I had my dad, it's not that funny. My dad's gets a friend. He used to die in LA. You know, live on the street with saying. And I do draw.

You know, not anymore. But he used to draw. You know, what kind of your hug is that? Just, you know, go. Give us three more reasons why she left you.

Yeah. You're really unwinded. What? Um, yeah, you did it. It did.

We grew apart. We just say, like, a group part. Yeah. Amazing. You grew apart.

Yeah. Naturally grew up. No injection. Nothing to do with me. We grew apart.

Wow.

Like her vaginal grew apart after I talked to him for the first time.

Yeah. Exactly. A kind of blown away. Yeah. Yeah.

This is really fascinating to me. Isn't it amazing? I cannot stop looking at his dick. It is. For those of you listening, wondering why it seems like we're all kind of staring.

It does look like he's a fun thing. It's like he's like Pinocchio during COVID. We're in a mask and you're like, I still know your Pinocchio. Yeah. It does.

He looks like he has one of those, like, really good steakhouse baked potatoes. And it's okay. One of those fully loaded with the sour cream chives bacon. Yeah. You never seen a fupa.

It's like a baby fupa. It's like just on a fupa. Yeah. It's like a fupa. Because it's black.

Because it's thick. Speaking of which, we have a Kiltowni big joke book that just so happens. I'm not kidding to have fucking King Kong a giant gorilla in the front. What better than that? Very much.

I like the opening joke. I didn't understand you talking about your big dick. But if you're going to do stand up, I agree.

“You should have jokes about getting a penis in plan.”

You should hit it on the nose. There he goes. Great Bergman everybody. Wow. What an interview.

What an interview. That is the first fake dick on the show. It also happens to have a penis in plan. I don't have one to make it long, by the way. Is everybody good out there?

You guys haven't fun? It's kind of like a crowd.

It's never really been brought together all at one time yet.

Makes it really clear. Next bucket. It's Eliezer Goosemon. Eliezer. I know I'm saying that wrong.

Goosemon everybody. Hey everybody. Tell us our again. I've been trying to gain muscle. Lose some weight.

So I downloaded this new app that doesn't let me use my phone until I do it. Enough push-ups. So if you see my friends and family telling them I'm alive. Tell them I missed them. Yeah, my luck with technology hasn't been great.

I fell in the limescooter. About a month ago, and I fell in my right hand. And I couldn't use it for a while. And the main thing is awkward because I'm a righty. And I ran into my ex girlfriend at this bar.

She was drunk. So we made out. She was like, "I want you to finger me right now." But all I had was my left. And the best way I could describe it.

You ever tried to plug your charger in the dark? I could have sworn the holes were right here. If you didn't get that, you're European. Yeah. Welcome back.

“You've been on the show before I remember because your name is hard to pronounce.”

Yes. L.S.R. What is that again?

Oh, wow. All right. I'm not Jewish though. You have a Jewish name.

“You're just trying to make it in the showbiz?”

Uh. Yeah.

Well, my mom's Puerto Rican.

So she was just trying to help. Yeah, and I mean. Nice. What's your dad? My dad is prudent.

Okay. All right. Look at that. Unbelievable. L.S.R.

What does it mean? Does it mean something? It means God has helped. God is helped. Has helped.

God has helped. Yeah. Not with your setup. How long have you been going to stand up? I've been doing it 12 years.

12 years. Wow. Where are? That's the funniest thing you've said all night. Where have you been doing it?

New Jersey and New York. All of the country. My bedroom. How long were you doing standing up in New York? About 10 years.

Did you like it? Oh. Yeah. I like that a lot. You love it.

How long have you moved Austin?

“I moved here about a year and nine months ago.”

Okay. What do you do for work? I work at a chef. And I work at a dispensary. So I work at a dispensary.

Okay. All right. What kind of chef are you? I do. I make burgers.

Yeah. He really, really helped his title there with chef. Yeah. I make burgers. Where are we making burgers?

I work at any DC, but I'm trying to expand. Do my own thing. Nice. That's a good thing to say to Philip. Yeah.

We're all friends with the owner of any DC. It is an unbelievable burger. In fact, it's almost too good. It makes you want to go to sleep afterwards. Like heroin.

It's absolutely incredible.

What? Okay. Yeah. I think I know. It's cool.

He's like the first bass shooter vibe we've had of the night. Yeah. And to get someone from the crowd with the same vibe shouting out was cool. Yeah. He said heroin.

And that guy said, yeah. I mean. Oh yeah. Okay. Anyway.

Now we got his dealers name.

“Was this primarily newer stuff you were working on tonight?”

Yeah. I was saying for 12 years. I would love to hear like an old joke that you know worked. Yeah. You have like one of your favorite jokes that you could just.

Yeah. To show us how funny you are. Ladies and gentlemen, doing one of his old jokes. Make some noise for Eliza. Everybody.

Here we go. I've been going to therapy lately. Had a weird situation. My, my real father was a criminal. And my stepdad was a little person.

So I had no one to look up to. [ Laughter ] Yeah. What? Right.

[ Applause ] What? A lot of garbage. I know they took a way, way, way, way, way. Go, hey, go.

When I met him, I was just five years old. And he was just a little bigger than me. And my mom was like, this is your new stepdad. I was like, my stepdad is seven years old. [ Laughter ]

And it gave me weird confidence because he used to hit me. Yeah. And even when I was little, I was like, this bigger kid hits like a bitch. [ Laughter ] But what really messed me up is I met him when I was five.

So I just started school that year and I was getting bullied at recess. So I was like, wow, those kids really meant it when they said they were going to fuck my mom. [ Laughter ] Wow. Wow.

Look at that. Dude, that next time. You would think you would have done that in front of the millions of viewers. Yeah. But he's just a here ball and out of control.

Trying brand new stuff. Yeah. It probably ate game it on this podcast. Yeah. He liked the guy in the org.

He just jerked off in the corner going, "No, I'll do it myself." [ Laughter ] I don't want to come to quick the first time to do this. I've been a load one and then I'm coming in. Yeah.

Is your stepfather really a little guy? No. Oh. Oh. Just lie to me next time.

Yeah. He's just five, six. [ Laughter ] In Italian image it. [ Laughter ]

Elizar, tell us something crazy about your life that we've never guessed about you.

Uh... I grew up to hope as winners. Yeah. You used to be a really fat. You used to be like 300 pounds.

How big is your dick? What? The big question of the night. How did you lose the weight? How did I lose weight?

Uh, I stopped drinking for like four months. Oh. [ Laughter ] How much were you drink? Yeah.

[ Laughter ] Well, it turns out it wasn't fat. I was just a drunk piece of shit. So uh... Are you drinking all day, all throughout the day?

Pretty much.

[ Laughter ] Yeah. IPA? Lots of something. Mostly.

IPAs. We'll do it. IPAs are a whole thing. Amazing.

“So do you hope as witnesses can't have medicine, right?”

No. No. A Christian scientist. Oh, my bad.

You hope as witnesses don't have birthdays.

Yeah. So how do you show up in this world? Um... [ Laughter ] Philosophically, they can't have a birthday.

They are bored. [ Laughter ] So did you not celebrate a birthday for a long time? No. Literally, my mom would be like, "It's a special day today."

And I'd be like, "What is it?" She's like, "I can't tell you check your birth certificate." And that would literally be like, "Yeah." Yeah. So you didn't get presents?

I didn't get presents or nothing. No. It's just, I got used to it. [ Laughter ] She left the cake.

So it's Tina Turner. She's just right. [ Laughter ] What an abusive fucking thing. It's a special day today, bitch.

All right, Jack, your birth... I mean, you...

When's the first time you celebrated your birthday?

Uh, I was 17. A bunch of my friends who were trying to get... Make me stop being a Jehovah's Witness. I bet. They were like, "Hey, uh, we're all going to be at a bridge somewhere where you can preach to us."

And I showed up to the bridge. Were they in front? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a 30 pack of beers, and they were like, "Happy birthday." Wow.

What a surprise party's last intervention. [ Laughter ] So I'm like, "Surprise. Surprise for what?" You're birthday. Oh, shit!

I'm getting the fucking full moon costume. Yeah. It's a great intervention when your friends bring you a 30 pack of beer first. Is your family still Jehovah's Witness? Um, yeah.

My mom's really into it, yeah. Okay, that's all. Wow. I mean, she's still awesome. She's a great mom, too.

“Remember the part where she didn't give you fucking birthday, right?”

Yeah. Great mom.

My uncle was really cool, man. He had the softest fingers in the world.

[ Laughter ] Old, silky uncle day. [ Laughter ] Yeah. So she gave you a Jewish name and no presence.

That's fucked up. Wow. That's incredible. Yeah. My birthday was pretty weird when I was born.

When is your birthday? Now I'm curious. August 21st, 1990? August 21st. Yeah, I was born premature, so my lungs didn't work.

So the doctor saw my mom that I was probably going to die. And she prayed to God. And she said, "If my God, if my son lives, I will give him to you." And because I lived, she named me Elisar. So that's why my name is.

Oh, it's very cute. Wow. Wow. That's incredible. For her to come all this way and see him die on stage.

[ Laughter ] Before the big comeback. [ Laughter ] Elisar. You rose again.

Elisar you did it. It was a rough minute, but then you did a good minute. So it's a medium joke book to keep signing up. Oh, Elisar. Almost what it took.

Right off the chest. God did not help him catch that joke book. There goes Elisar, everybody. All right. I'm in fun here. We're cooking.

Mama, how do you feel? The great love of you. Hmm. Who's that? And so creamy.

Huh? How can a papa kiss me? Nutella. Or is it from Mama and dad? No Nutella.

It's Nutella. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. Starting something new is just hard. It's terrifying, trust me. I know.

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Shopify.com/killtony. Shopify.com/killtony. That's right. She can talk. And so can we go to Shopify.com/killtony. And here we go.

Three word name.

Hensley, everybody. I've got Sharon Ruth.

[ Music ] Good evening. Kilt, Tony, if you've taken two. I am Sharon Ruth Hensley. And I have two helpful hints for the mail of our species to better interact with me.

One. If you insist on mentioning your penis, Tony. More than once within a short period of time. I will have questions and or comments. I am not responsible for what form those take.

And inquiring minds, still want to know your circumcision status. Two. If you insist on sending me pictures of said penis, Tony, Zodians.

Be aware in Texas and a handful of other states. It is against the law. I find them amusing, so I will allow it. If, and only if you follow these guidelines. Well, lit, head to toe, nude, filier wrecks.

Hold in a 16 ounce bottle adjacent for a size comparison. Thank you. Jesus, fucking Christ. Sharon, what the fuck was that? Well, here's the deal, Tony.

After the last time, I figured out that I've been a naturally born female. Can not ever possibly say something at all funny. So, I should say something that would make my life easier when the onslaught of like your 10,000 male followers. 10,000 male followers.

Good health. Wow. The big 10,000. Yeah. Let's check in with Rick and Graham here.

The first thing is, we got to send her a pick of that thick dick from her.

Yeah. No doubt about it. We got to get that. We're correct. We're going to have to scan it on a printer because it's not going to be on an iPhone.

There was so much insanity throughout that set.

“Was the implication that I've mentioned to you, my penis?”

When I was on last time, you did mention your penis twice. So, I changed the sentence. What was the context of me mentioning this? It was just how hard you were not. One time was not so much.

One time was really hard. What were we talking about at the time? Uh, which the first time was probably my set. The second time was that I shot somebody. Anthony.

He just think you're a little bit out of context here, but no doubt. I mentioned my penis very rarely. No, you didn't mention it. Was it a he-he-ha-ha? Did people go ha-ha afterwards sharing?

Did they make that wacky noise that you don't understand how it fits made? Was it one of that thing right there? Were you here that that wacky noise? I went ahead and changed the subject and asked if you were a circumstances. And some people were like, they got it.

And they thought it was hilarious. And then some people were like, "That came out of nowhere." And I was like, "No, he mentioned his penis." So, I'm allowed to ask if you're a circumstances. Okay, sharing Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. Did you guys date at any point? Oh, God. Sharing a roof. Uh, you have three words to your name

and not that many punchlines at all. This is incredible. When you were in high school,

“did you like tell people you were like a cat or something like that?”

Yeah. It's a great question. You do have those energies. And I'm really a cat. My boyfriend's an energy vampire.

He's going to be librarian for 300 years. Are you doing comedy other places? Yeah. Where? Well, like, what are you doing?

How often do you try this? I did comedy in Spamelaster. It's pretty cool. Well, they probably couldn't understand you either. No.

Hey, they have a pretty big English speaking comedy scene. Uh-huh. Actually. All right. Wow.

Are you like the last guy? Do you have like different jokes that are better than whatever you plan to do here tonight? That nobody understood? No. I am technically more of a storytelling comic.

And like, a minute is kind of hard. Wow. We'd love to hear a 25-minute banger from Sharon Riefensley. Wow.

“I think we're going to have to keep the main reason I wanted to come on.”

It's so last time. So I'm a major anxiety disorder. And last time I almost did pass on stage. Nobody could tell. Um.

Oh, we should have been so lucky. Yeah. At this time, it's not that much better.

Um, I was hoping that like the nerves would go down a second time.

But it's just, it's really hard. I think it was a stage? I felt like you were nervous running through that. Yeah. You felt like a hologram.

Well, no, I wanted to get it in in a minute. Like, I respect the minute time line. But no, no, I think you're looking at comedy the wrong way. Uh, respect the joke and then make it.

I think that's where the disconnect was.

Is slow it down and find your pacing. Because it did feel rushed. I don't want to be shitty because I've been nervous on stage and tore through material before. But, uh.

I'll be shitty. You could have done that. You could have pumped the brakes on that and done it so slow that it took 20 minutes to get through that. And it's still, there's not, there's not a funny, unidentifiable moment.

No, I got to, I did it very intentionally. It is funny to start and select people. Who are these people? Where are they? Yeah.

“Can I suggest trying to perform to maybe the kiltony audience?”

Yeah. Maybe them.

No, what I wanted to tell you are audience from last time.

So, I am not a person. Oh, God. Sharon. No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

No, no. No. No. No one can't. Like, literally, tear it roof.

Sharon. Sharon. Sharon. And, like. I am.

“What do you want to tell the kiltony audience, Sharon?”

I don't know if you think this is going to get any better for you. I am not a person who would do well in jail. I do know from experience. So, I should not be talking about things on stage and tell those pesky statute of limitations right now.

There's no statute on attempted murder. So, I should not have mentioned that last time. Okay. Wait. So, you just...

How small we could get her arrested tonight. [laughter] Maybe. Sharon, Ruth, you just mentioned it again. Do you know?

No, I know.

“Like, I'm like, well, I already made the mistake.”

Like, let me lay in to it. There's something very melodic about her voice when she starts to lose it. He's like, "Let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let it, let

play everybody. Good lord. Unbearable. You've upset Tony Pinnis. Very good. It choked by Grand Band, everybody. There you go. There she goes. Sharon Ruth Hensley, everybody. With the padded last one last crazy glare in the eyes. Little eye contact for everybody. Oh my God. That's exciting. Yeah. Sharon, it might be time for Sharon to take a break from signing up. All right. We have a regular life. It's going to sage the room right now.

He is the newest force of nature regular here on Keld Tony. Makes the noise with a great electric fling everybody. Guys, I hate the great sound. I'm so glad I don't go take the great sound no more. One time a nigga with no arms stole my wallet. I say it again and nigga with no arms stole my wallet. And the only reason why I called him is because my wallet was in my hoodie because he was cold out and I felt that nigga

big toe scraper crossed my tummy. And then while I woke that she was right there in between his thumb toe. I don't know what you call it. But his thumb toe and his index toe was gripping that motherfucker. And he got strong legs. He got nice legs because you know how like bare double he his eyes don't work. So his ears is stronger. So his arms is his legs. So when I tried to grab that shit I had to like tug of you know I had to tug of war with this

nigga then I started wrestling my wallet away. He talked about Eugene Eugene because I had to use

my arms and my legs to get it away. It's when I finally got it. I stood up with my wallet. He stood

up with me but he's wearing a hoodie too when no arms is arms is dangling. So when he stood up he was like what are you going to do? Snicks. I was like no nigga we still got eight hours on this bus. So I can't snitch. I dare you because the other thing is when I write a great how I got my gun on me and they tell you you can't write what's your gun. You won't get in trouble. Go to court. Go to court. If you took drugs like why if you have your gun I was like I want

a great hammer and I got all of my teeth that'd be like acquitted every single time. 'Cause if I had woken up and that nigga had stole my wallet when my gun ain't nobody going ain't nobody going nowhere until I found my transformers Velcro wallet. I got a I got a Velcro wallet because I won't people to hear me at least try to pay for something. Everybody within age to do with me when you heard that you like he did it best that he good.

Twice as long as Sharon Ruth Hensley did 29 more verifiable punchlines.

Absolutely incredible, Dedric. 17 less Texas.

Dedric that is fucking fantastic. Great job. A love gray helmet material. Yeah. I do another people bring gray helmet to know fucking just how sketchy that is. Isn't a pocket like you know when they drop the nukes and they have like a center where

“everybody meet that's what the gray helmet is. You don't know what year it is based on what”

niggas is wearing. When you get out of prison they give you a gray helmet ticket. Yes they do. So no so you sit the majority of the people on that bus just got out of prison.

Yeah. It's I fucking took gray helmet from Tallahassee to Tampa all the time. Wow.

I remember when Biggie's album came out I had headsets in a and a tape player or a CD player. And it due to just kind of prison he was like what do you listen to? I was like oh the story is BIG goes across your headsets and that was it. They were hit. That's why you got to have a gun, Bert. You got to have a hell. Yeah. We all get robbed on a gray house. Of a motion nothing. Bottles get passed around on gray. Oh yes, they do have an experience.

You feel bad the people are mostly vagabonds and drifters. But everyone on a bus no matter where you are looks like they're from Albuquerque. Yeah. It is a certain type. Well definitely a table from Albuquerque. Oh yeah. I stand by what I said. They look like that. Don't get on your

“bus and go back. Dermadillo people. That's right. Dead drink. So you've taken the gray helmet quite a lot?”

Not no more. I did before. Well yeah we know not anymore. It hurt. It hurt and here. Like when you get on there and you got more teeth in everybody combined. When I was on the gray house

I noticed I was the only one with teeth. I never stole my wallet.

Because I was there in Toree. On the gray house where you feel too bad. Don't want to ride that shit no more. On the gray house. On the gray house. Don't ride no more. Gray house. Well I feel too poor. On the gray house. With the mess the killers and the needles lie. They owe you my own. Greyhound those you money. Greyhound those you money. They just have to use that as a commercial. They just have to own who they are and roll with it. They know they know. They don't

even have an intercom in the gray house. Once I went to Atlanta Greyhound which is the scariest place on earth. I can't really cannot imagine. The entire city of Atlanta scares me. It seems like the Greyhound station would be too much. And it's right outside of the strip club. So the Greyhound is terrified. And I walked into a lady. I said when is the bus to Charlotte? Right? I looked at her and she would look at me and she went, "The bus is Charlotte! There's a 30 to minutes!"

What did you say? I was like, "Don't yell at me. I'd rather be on front here and they got hate front here." You know Atlanta Greyhound station is dangerous when Dejrick is the safest person there. Everyone else looks exactly like John Dejrick. You wear your ski mask up when you're laughing. You have been all figured out John at a comedy show. He's back here cracking up with his mask on. There you go. There it is. You know what? He got it, right? It doesn't work. The joke doesn't work.

Because we told him that if the power went out, we was going to start looping.

“Because we got to make our killed so many money somewhere. I don't steal but I looped. You know what I was saying?”

No doubt about it. No doubt about it. There's group synergies different. Yeah. Is the Greyhound in Atlanta right by Magic City? Yes it is. I've been to that Greyhound. Wow. You know exactly where the Greyhound is. Yeah, I was just there. Wow. That's a Greyhound or... I have the fucking Greyhound. You know you got money because you don't have to be there. My father-in-law doesn't.

And Magic City has the best wings in town. Yes they do. They're the lemon tamper on. Shout out to Magic. Shout out to Magic City, Atlanta Jordan. Oh my god.

Dead jerk, your set was absolutely fucking incredible. Very good. Very fucking good.

You're going to tell you just like there's such an energy. It's almost like watching good ice skaters. Like when you came up you kind of owned it. What was like, you know, when you watched ice skating,

“someone didn't enjoy a bull at all after eating it. Hey Bert, what's the ice skater?”

You're the opposite of ice skaters and that we've all enjoyed it before. What are you watching ice skating? How do you enjoy that? I know but it's like when you see someone come out confident, you're like, oh, this is going to be okay. I'm not worried. And when you came out, I was like, oh, I'm not worried. And then when they kicked in the music and you own the stage, that is the energy of a great comment. Yeah, you have it, man. Yeah.

Rising star ladies and gentlemen. Also a guy in a cowboy hat was very excited to see you, which is another sign of a black guy that you're doing it right. Come on. Yep. Come on, Mike. Thank you so much. That guy, that guy wrote the Greyhound here. The actual big dog. Everybody wrote the actual dog with a cowboy hat. We're going to get you. Yeah, get you. One more time for the Great Dead Jrick Flames.

Wow. Seems like a comedy show again. Completely cleansed the room of Sharon Ruth Hensley's nasty, nasty attitude. Tony. Last time I was on you talked about your peanuts in a comedic way. All right. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Zach Townsend. Everybody, here we go. How's it going? I'm 35 years old. I used to want kids real bad. I used to want guns real bad too. Now, I don't know if I want either one. I kind of see them as the same thing. They're both dangerous.

And whenever somebody has one, they're always like, "Do you want to hold it?" And I'm like, "No,

no, I know way too many people in jail for touching those things." You know what I mean? No. Yeah. Give my finger prints off. Yeah. I feel like guns are a lot like kids too, because all the worst people I know hold their sideways. It's either like, "Give me your fucking money." You're like, "Baby hangin' off the hip at Walmart." You know, some white woman in Cookie Monster per Jam about them, so even though the sun is still up, come on. You guys have been a Houston before.

You know what I'm talking about? The baby's got the tears to go on this. I feel like guns are a lot like kids too, because I don't know what I see when out in the street. I'm like, shouldn't you be in school right now? You know? And I... I don't know about you guys, but whenever I ever want Facebook, I see a new article of like a female teacher banging their younger male students. We got to pay these teachers more money, right? So they can afford to go on dates with people their own age. It's super easy to win a

dime of 15-year-old. You just fucking say six, seven while you juggle their balls a little bit. You know, it's... I'm sad. Thank you guys. Wow. Wow. -Sat motherfuckin' Townsend. [ Cheers and applause ]

Amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Tanya.

How long have you been doing stand-up? -Oh, eight years. -Fuck yeah. Where are you at? -I live in Nashville, Tennessee. -Awesome. We love Nushville. -Thank you, folks. -Look, what got you down to Austin this week. [ Laughs ]

-Man, by Burke Crusher. Actually, I was open to for him at the Booty Theater.

“-Oh, I think he's all proud of, yeah. -I'm amazing.”

-He crushed. I love it. -I was like, I was like, "Man, you better do fucking good." -I love that. -It was you crushed, man. I think you're fucking hysterical. -Thank you. -You're so talented. -That's absolutely incredible.

I had no idea that you had anybody here, that anybody even signed up. We got fucking lucky there. -Yeah, I was supposed to go home last night, and then I was fucking the ISIS crazy, and the weather's bad, too. And... [ Laughter ]

-So, that's the best version of that joke. Look at that. That's incredible. -Yeah. -Yeah, then, uh, so I stayed. -I'm an adult.

“-Zack, so, have you lived in Nashville your whole life?”

-No, I'm from Connecticut, originally. -Okay. -And I started comedy in Tampa. -Shut up. -Shut up. -Tampo. -Halli out. -Yeah, I loved you. -You sober right now. He's not drinking because he's getting married.

-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah. Nice. -Well, yeah, I'm also sober to, like, for my career, too, but uh, yeah. -How long have you been sober for? -Since December 29th. -December 29th. -Let me ask you this. -Not that I'm counting or anything, you know?

-Jeeves. -Let me ask you this, because... [ Laughter ] -Game working nice, game. What exactly did you do on December 29th? -For you're going away last year, huh? -How long have we got?

And we got to guess which one. -Okay. -What happened on December 29th? -Okay.

“-Two lies in the truth. -I went out to a bar with my friends.”

Or I got blacked out on wine and had my co-tealer come over there and accidentally did ketamine. [ Cheers and applause ] -I, I'm guessing... -No. -I'm guessing all three are the truth here. -Yeah.

-Actually, you gotta go, yeah. -Take us through it. So, you got drunk on wine? -Yeah, it was supposed to be just a chill night. Like, my friend just had a baby and they came over and then the baby came over, too. -The baby was over, too. -The baby was over, too. -The baby was over, too. There's like a picture of me, like, drunk hanging in the band.

And I was like, "Oh, they're never going to be here."

-You're holding the baby side. -Yeah, like, "Give it to me." -Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. -I'm just... -I'm gonna make this joke. -Yeah, yeah. -Hey, good morning, stomach. That's a little low, Jack. [ Laughter ]

-Someone bring me a gun. -Yeah, sir. -Yeah, sir. -Yeah, sir. I told him it sideways and shit. It was awful. -I always wanted to try this. [ Laughter ] -Amazing. So, then you had a little pulp fiction moment.

You thought you were doing cocaine, but it turned out to be...

“-Catamine, yeah. Well, I think one of my buddies told me it was ketamine,”

and I just was whatever. It's part of my nose. Who cares, anyway, at this point, you know? -How did that make you feel? I don't know much about ketamine, but from what I do know, it seems like being extremely drunk off of only wine would mix very oddly with that.

-Yeah, I don't remember much if I'm being completely honest. Like, how I made... There is, like, video... I went outside to get cigarettes from my car and busted my ass. I was trying to get back in, and there's, like, video on the ring camera from my fiance being like, "Hey, you fucking, you want to see this?"

And I was like, "No, I'm good, actually. I don't want to really... I woke up, my hand is all fucked up." I was like, "Ah, fuck." -Can you please grab that video and post it? -Yeah. -Yeah. -I felt drunk, I felt drunk into a potted plant and hit my head

and knocked myself unconscious, and it got five billion views.

[ Laughter ] Amazing. So, Zach, you make all your money doing stand-up comedy? -Yeah, yeah. I do stand-up in a sketch comedy too. -I love it. -What is the future wife do? -She's a private... I don't know if I should.

She's, like, works for, like, the government. -Okay. -Yeah. Perfect. -They're doing a lot of good things. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Yeah. She makes all the decisions in my household.

-Yeah. [ Laughter ] -She charged a brangling or anything like that? -Yeah. You should see our crawl space. It's actually quite packed right now. [ Laughter ]

“-Sack. You are so funny. Where can people find your stuff?”

-On Instagram @ZakTownSin_ and on paid vacation comedy, I knew too. -Yeah. -We did a sketch. We actually did a sketch about Kill Tony. I don't know if you saw it. -Was it the video game? -Oh, my God. -Oh, my God. That was awesome. -Yeah.

-I thought you guys are awesome. -I feel like, yeah. -I loved that. So much. Literally, like, our favorite thing. We were, we sent it to each other and everything and all around. Absolutely hilarious. -Yeah. -I think you guys should make the video game too.

I mean, I think you guys are leaving some money on the table. -Everybody's hitting you up about it. They're, like, it should be real thing. -I absolutely agree. We've talked about it before. Could totally be down the line.

How long you in town for now? -I leave tomorrow. I got shows this week, so I got to try to get back. If I can get back home tomorrow, I've got to try to get back home.

Amazing. Well, we, uh, how about, uh, how about you come back

when next time we do the Bridge Stone Arena in Nashville and do a spot on there? -I would absolutely love to do that. -I would love to do that, yeah. -Follow this man. That's Zach Townsend. And we post the, uh, video game sketch and tag us in it and we'll repeat this.

It's so funny. -Thank you guys so much. Appreciate it. -One more time for Zach Townsend, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] -That's crazy. You just picked him out. -Oh, yeah. Great stuff, man.

All right. We're having fun now. Look at this cooking on the back half of this episode. -That lit, starting with that horrible monster of a lady. -Oh, my God. It's incredible. And who could forget Big Vinny?

[ Laughter ] -Great Bergman's fake cock. Ellazar deciding to do a brand new, untested, minute in front of five million people that Sharon Rupensley and then the tables turn.

Let's see if we can keep them momentum as the bucket has decided that up next comes Angel Diaz, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] Hell yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] -Yo, fuck yeah. Geo, geo, geo, geo, give it up for myself one time. Hell yeah. Fuck. I actually have a real-life question.

Is anyone in here subletting a room? Fuck me, bro. God damn. Does anyone see themselves living with me at all? [ Laughter ]

Jesus Christ.

like really bad.

“This is a text message thread between me and my landlord.”

I had to write it down.

All right, this is what I said today.

[ Laughter ] I said, "Mr. Lendor?" No, I said, "Mr. Lendor, man. Can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. to fix the AC unit?" And this is what he said.

He said, "You short, little Mexican man." [ Laughter ] Now, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, he said. He said, "I am doing a live stream set on the radio. Please, oh, fuck.

Please tune in online. And I will come around for you won't believe with a fuck as a DJ. Oh, damn. Yeah, you know what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you'll give it a for me. I just did good.

[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, the old butt slap of Angel Diaz. Oh, yeah. He opened it close, the little ass slap. I love it.

Yeah. Bring it to the right energy. Okay, yeah. It's a guy's wager and confidence and stage presence. Unlike almost anyone that's been up here today.

Yep, I'm a good guy. I don't know. What else the fuck do I say? What else? Wow, look at you, Angel. How old are you? I just turned 26 last week. You know, give it up for 26.

Okay, they don't have to give it up for everything. I'm going to ask you a lot of questions, Angel. This is like a bridge against the machine where it's a homeless guy. Yeah.

Too aw. It's like he's going to make noise for every question I has made. Give it up for working at a vape store. What do you do for work, Angel? You know, I have no job whatsoever.

No. Yeah, I have no job. How do you survive Angel? Take us through a day in the life. So, all right.

So, I've been going out of state to go steal shit. Oh, this is amazing. Okay, there you go. We've got many. Give it up for him.

Being so thoughtful at least go out of state.

There's the third spot spot.

Tell it while you're still in the other state. You don't want to cross state lines. Just a little advice. What did you just say? Perfect.

Nailed it. Angel. So, do you really make money stealing shit? Well, not really, but kinder. Well, if I steal anything, like it's for myself.

But like, if you need bounty, I mean, I don't know. That's like the type of shit I'm stealing. Like paper towels? Yeah, it's bad.

“Can you give us an example of sometimes some time that you've stolen something?”

Well, allegedly, um... [laughter] Oh, you are a natural angel, Diaz. I might bring you back just for interviews. What I like is some said bounty, which is a way of saying amount of money for something.

But he actually meant paper towels. Yeah, no. Yeah, exactly. Like, it's definitely going to California to do this, right? What was that?

The California? You know, I don't know what this guy is telling me. I'm sorry. I can't hear him too well. You're okay.

Give it up for California. [laughter] Angel. So take us through it. Allegedly.

All right. So, yeah. So, I like pick up like maybe three things that you're... Am I going to go to jail for this? No.

You're protected. This is a comedy show and everything is a joke. Yeah, but nothing leaves this room to you. Yeah. There's...

But like, what if they catch me on camera? You know what I'm trying to say? Like, we're like, "Yo, this is you." And like, this is you talking about a good news for you. I got good news for you.

Angel, I got good news for you. Everybody that's ever stolen anything looks exactly like you. So, there's no way you can get in trouble for this. I keep going, Angel.

Tell us about the amazing work of the bounty hunter, Angel.

Yeah. Now, yeah. So, I'll just walk in and then, like, I'll just walk out. I'll walk out with a whole bunch of bounty and then, like, I'll sell it. It's like the first person who needs bounty in their house.

Is anyone subletting a room? Hold on, Angel. Seriously, though. Have you really stolen bounty paper? Oh, well, it's between bounty and spray paint.

“And so, like, I honestly, I really can't talk about it too much,”

because, like, right now, I have an open case. Oh, hey, Angel, absolutely sub talking about it. We thought you were talking about a lot lately. Yo, um, well, let's just talk. By the way, I would just argue that if you talked to the judge,

I think she's going to let you go. I don't know. Yeah, you know, can I just walk off now? No, no, no, no. You aren't, like, a fucking robot.

Yeah, we might keep you here on the way. We're like porn directors in a 18-year-old girl just showed up

We're like, all right. Yeah. This is incredible. Angel Diaz.

So, what exactly you can talk about this?

What exactly is the open case for right now?

“Well, honestly, it's for graffiti, because I got caught”

and, like, so pretty much as, like, this is, like, well, allegedly, they saw me, um, He's got a few catchphrases. I got slap and allegedly. Yo, I'm going to do the butt slap on my way out

and they better be funny, I don't know. But, um, so, yeah, pretty much they come me, like, on camera, like, the NYPD, they come me on camera. Pushing, like, an old graffiti writer, and they were like, yo, this is you, and then, like, this is you pushing the old man.

And, like, I couldn't deny, I'm like, no, I don't know. That picture seems a little blurry. So, like, I don't know, that's pretty much what I've been up to. Yo, so, how you, so how, yeah, I got it. What's your name?

No, I don't know how to say it. So, age-old. Don't ever change. I know, I'm sorry. Yeah.

Don't hurt. What am I going to jar? Let's keep it. I know.

I don't know how to hear it.

Like, it's a bug. I want to hear him, he's just putting up a memory of the door but to go, we need Bounty and spray paint. Angel? I love Rick's idea, but I'm in a Mason jar

and just show him off. It's like, if you shake him a little bit, he slaps his butt. Look. (laughter) Angel Diaz.

So, you live it up for airhole. (laughter) Yo, can I have that water?

“Is there any chance you guys could crack that water?”

Oh, yes, please. Have a delicious water. Angel Diaz, what is your living? (laughter) Oh, my goodness.

See, that wouldn't, you wouldn't have gotten wet if we had a bad water. I'm going to be a bad water. I'm going to be a bad water. (laughter)

Angel? Angel, what is your living situation in Austin, Texas? Right now, do you live here now? Oh, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no.

Legitly. (laughter) Like, um, well, I kind of stay with my sister when she and she just had a baby, so I can't really stay there. Is anyone sublating a rumsal?

I've been stopping. But I'm going to stop saying that. I'm sorry. Seriously, you live with your sister? Yeah.

Where's she lives in Austin? Yeah, North Austin. How long have you been in Austin? Like, um, Wednesday since last, Wednesday? Where did you come from?

New York City? New York City? How did you get here? Um, uh, I took a plane, really? What the hell?

Well, now, there's been a lot of talk of Greyhound buses tonight, and if anybody that I know from this episode belongs on a Greyhound bus, buddy, it's you. (laughter)

By the way, the judgment he showed towards the other, uh, kill Tony Guy for being on the Greyhound bus just now. Yeah. So fucked up. Tony, who do you all fuck do you think I am, man?

I took a fucking spirit flight, though. Yo, I literally took a spirit flight. No.

“Do you remember your boarding position by any chance?”

Yo, I was a D26. Oh, my God. That's pretty much last, right? I can't imagine what the guy behind you looked like. (laughter)

Okay. Does anybody see my pants? (laughter) Yeah. Dude, the guy behind me stole my wallet with his feet.

(laughter) All right. Do you date? Uh, yeah, yeah. Yo, can I shout my girlfriend out?

Nope. Yeah, sure. Can I, uh, you know, some of them believe it out? Yo, shout out your phone. Okay.

I'm sorry.

I should've never said that.

There you go. She is now under arrest. (laughter) Deep madness is actually going to bang her right now. Uh, you are fucking cool.

Okay. So Angel, where'd you meet your girlfriend at? All right. So I met her at a park. And yo, but it was crazy the way I didn't meet her, though.

So I saw her smoking a whole bunch of cigarettes. And then I was like, um, so I went to the store. Are you okay? (laughter) We're watching a lunch.

Was he sitting in the park? And you walked up and said, yo, I'm the quicker picker upper. (laughter) (laughter) Fuck, yes.

Watch free burn out now on Netflix. I fucking love this kid. I know. Me too. How much do you cost?

I, yeah. We're not selling him today. I'll fucking pay for this kid. This would be around me all the time. Yeah.

Boom. Everybody loves him. I'm going to stop doing that. I'm serious. I'm going to stop.

Oh. I'm going to love it. (laughter) Burn, I can't wait to see the kind of trouble you get in when you purchase him. Wait up.

For $2,100. Very good. I bet I can get him for $35.

(laughter) No doubt. He's a tough negotiator, Bert. He's an angel D. He's a $35,000.

He's a $35,000. A master negotiator. (laughter) I'll do it for four. (laughter)

Is anybody leasing a room? (laughter)

“Angel D as we'll sleep in the gas tank of your tour bus, Bert.”

(laughter) Hey, oh, give me a-- I don't even need the money. Just give me a can of spray paint, paper towels, the-- (laughter) I'll fucking do art.

(laughter) I'll fucking deck out your bus, Bert. (laughter) Okay, angel. So let's talk about it.

What jobs have you had before? I can't imagine you really holding down anything at all. So, are you so working at a hello shop? Uh-huh. And then I worked at a top--

Yo, is anyone-- is anyone going to-- Is anyone going to pick that glass up? Like, what is going on? (laughter) He's like a fucking goldfish.

Is anybody-- (laughter) Is anybody-- Is anybody-- He's like--

(laughter) Yo, I better hope no one's barefoot. (laughter) Jesus Christ, you know? (laughter)

He better hope. He better hope. He better hope. God, hold on, wait for this hope. Is it coming?

They better not hope, but he better hope. That was Obama's initial pitch. Better hope. (laughter) Angel, you are so naturally funny.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Um, I've been doing it for like two years now. And um, yo, actually yo, if I had my phone--

Yo, last time I came to Austin, they were like, yo, never do--

Never do comedy in Austin. We fucking hate your guts. And like, I can't even-- Yo, I can't even-- I don't know. I don't know.

I don't want to blow them up. All right. I don't want-- I don't want-- Are you serious? Are you serious?

(laughter and applause) (laughter and applause) There's something so magical about laughing at someone and not with them. No, I tell you, come on. (laughter and applause)

It hits different. His reactions to normal everyday things are unbelievably funny. It's like, crowdwork you never see before. Are you serious? It's crazy.

Are you serious? You better hope nobody's barefoot is insane. Like, these are things. I mean, Rick is a crowdwork god. But I'm not quite sure.

I've seen anything.

Always de-exing the audience, Rick.

I mean, as a crowdwork, sit forward. You must admit. I'll say this. I don't think most people should be allowed to do crowdwork. But I also think we all have to hope that no one is barefoot out there.

(laughter and applause) And to hear it said, I went, yeah, that makes sense. This guy's a master. (laughter and applause) Crush and water.

I mean, the student's doing it. Yeah. Even the way he hydrates his next level. Yeah. Hydrates, like he's very thirsty.

Yeah. I am very thirsty right now. I actually do want to walk off. But, um, why do you want to walk off? I don't know.

I just want to go home. But why?

“What are you, what are you going to do when you get home?”

What are you looking forward to?

So, uh, you're actually, I got to watch the second half of Oppenheimer.

So, like, I'm excited about that. (laughter and applause) Oh, my God. I would pay money to watch Oppenheimer with whom. I can't even say it.

I can't even say it. Imagine. You're there. Yo, they just split at the adam, man. (laughter and applause)

Real, man. I hope nobody was barefoot in there, dude. (laughter and applause) That's right. Who active.

Shit. (laughter and applause) Do you imagine going home and sister and the baby sitting there while he watches Oppenheimer? (laughter and applause) Can you walk me through what you've seen in Oppenheimer so far?

Yo, so I saw the, uh, yo, so I saw the part where they were like, um, oh, I did, so they were recruiting a whole bunch of guys, and then they were like, uh, yo, maybe you're the one who can like help us really like build this shit, and they were like, yo, so who are we fighting against? And they were like, yo, the Nazis, and they were like, "All right, man, let's just go fight it."

(laughter and applause) And let's just go, "All right, bad." (laughter and applause)

“So I think maybe a movie review podcast.”

Yeah. Oh, my God. What's the movie that you've finished recently, Angel Diaz? Oh, fuck. What's your favorite movie?

Okay, all right. My favorite movie is the, um, the Talahaga Night's, uh... (laughter and applause) The world famous Talahaga Night's, everybody. You know it, you love it, everybody's seen it.

Oh, yeah. Well, Larry Bobby. (laughter and applause) Yeah, that's what I like. (laughter and applause)

You're not right this, if you tried.

And it's pure.

This is absolutely incredible.

“Can you give us, uh, uh, you should know?”

Yeah, a little synopsis of Talahaga Night's. Okay. So, uh, pretty much it starts off with like a guy that, like, he's like a raised driver guy and then, like, um, fucking towards the end he gets his, like, his bitch took.

(laughter and applause) Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

And then he has, like, um, kind of, like, stun on her, like, yo, I just came in number one and then, like, the guy, but with the guy is like his best friend that took his bitch. Keep that in mind. So he's, like, (laughter and applause)

Keep that in mind. It's the name of the podcast. So that's coming back. Keep that in mind. It's just, uh, yeah.

Wow. That's so good. I'm gonna-- I'll have to go. This interview has gone on too long,

but I'm gonna ask, what's one more movie that you've seen?

(laughter) Like, like, what's the serious movie? Not a comedy. I want something serious. Um, you ever seen Forest Gump?

How would you explain Forest Gump? Um, so in Forest Gump, I started off. No, I'm kidding. I was just trying to be forest, but no, alright, that was bad. I'm actually gonna walk off.

No. No, I've seen-- yeah, I've seen Forest Gump. What is that? That was a question, right? What do you remember about Forest Gump?

Um, that he was kind of a little stupid, and then-- (laughter) But, go, but somehow he was there for everything. You know what I'm trying to say? Like, I don't know.

Like, it was just like, "Yo, let's just have this dumb guy as like a fly in the wall." You know? Like, that's pretty much the movie. It's just a concept.

He's back.

Do you know how that movie was sold?

And how? The pitch is a movie about a lucky retard. Wow. Sweater guy. So they said in the room, and the guy goes, "I'm in.

I love you." Yeah. Amazing. That makes sense. Angel Diaz, I hate to do that.

I've been doing this so often lately, and it's a real fucking problem.

“The internet's gonna hate me for this, I think.”

Red band's furious. He's already groaning over here. But Angel, you are absolutely priceless. And you are in need. The newest golden ticket winner here.

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] There's the butt flap. Come back again. Every youth, the whole world, that needs to see you again.

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] You're about as welcome as it gets an Austin Texas, by the way, Angel Diaz. Holy shit. [ Cheers and applause ]

My God. He was real deal. Real deal. We're just gonna be shit missing from now on around here. Tony.

Right before he walked on, he goes. Right before he walked off, he goes, "Yo, can I throw this water in the crowd?" No, no. No. He is real trouble.

Everyone's in a while, you need a little, add a little fucking pepper to the mix. A little Diablo sauce, if you will. Angel Diaz is the newest winner of... [ Cheers and applause ] Wait a minute.

I'm getting word. The mother ship is out of paper towels. Wait a minute. [ Laughter ] Wow.

Somehow turned him into PCP in the back. [ Laughter ] All right. Well, one of the sisters gonna have a fun day when this comes out. Oh, God.

Hey, oh, so check it out. Like, I have our reason to stay now. [ Laughter ] I'm gonna leave my bitch in New York and the court. I'm just not gonna show up the court.

I got a whole thing going on now. The court's not happening. The court's not happening. He's gonna avoid that case in New York City. All right.

You're next buck up poll. You guys haven't fun out there, huh? Your next buck up poll goes by the name of Andrew Low, everybody. Andrew. [ Music ]

Yo, yo, yo. What's going on, y'all? How's it going tonight? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was told recently, y'all,

that I looked like hide from that 70 show. [ Laughter ] And yeah, I don't know if you keep up with the news or nothing like that. But, uh, yeah, it's just pretty disgusting to be compared to somebody who's a known Scientologist.

You know what I mean, guys?

“You know, because there's nothing worse in that, right, guys?”

Right? And I just can't need to do a couple of rapes, though. We did do a couple of rapes, so... I just like to think that the guy that compared me to him was like, I haven't seen him on anything in a while.

Like, I love that 70 show. What's he been in? And I was like, mmm, I don't know. You're probably not gonna see him in anything, actually. You're probably gonna fucking see him in jail.

You'll see him there. Uh, but, uh, yeah, yeah. So, don't really fuck with that. But, uh, you know what I do fuck with, though? I actually have a question, guys.

Have a question for the audience. Um, be honest. Does anybody out here use the coin stars? Anybody use the coin star before it makes them noise? Whoa!

[ Laughter ]

Broke ass bitches.

Um, I'm not talking shit, though.

'Cause I'm a broke ass bitch. Obviously, I'm a comic, right? But if you haven't used the coin star if you don't know what it is, it's just a fun little machine you'll find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right?

And you just bring all your saved up coins. And you just fuck-- [ Screaming ] Andrew, hello, everybody. Trying to get there.

“Do you have anywhere you're getting that towards the end there?”

Uh, close. Close it. Nice, good, though. Okay. All right.

Okay, Andrew. Well, maybe it's just an angel deal. We got angel back out here. Yeah. I did.

I did request that angel, uh, perhaps he might be back at it. What if we had angel do the same material? See, if-- Do you have your material written down somewhere by any chance? Do I'm going to do a written down?

Yeah. No, I got. Okay.

Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to have just like he did with movie reviews. We're going to bring angel back. And we're going to have him watch your set. And then he's going to give us an opsis of what you talked about. So any chance we have angel back there is--

Angel-- is angel still here? Yeah. I think angel left. He went home. We're getting where he's already finished up and timer.

I got to guess. I say, just have taken him and decided to release him. Oh. I say, just have taken him and decided to release him. Oh.

I say, just have taken him and decided to release him. Oh. I say, just have taken him and decided to release him. Oh. I say, just have taken him and decided to release him.

Oh. All right. He might already be in a fight in the alleyway right now, everybody. This is incredible. Andrew, how long have you been doing comedy? Probably like three, four years give a take?

Three or four years. One thing I liked was you said, I don't know if you guys have seen the news. And then you told a joke about something that happened five years ago in the news. So that might not be the best intro into the hide raping. I mean, it was on the news recently to be fair.

Who was? Yeah. Just to try it. That was why some may brought it up to me. Okay.

I've gotten a word, ladies and gentlemen, that they were able to retrieve angel Diaz. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of a vote. There he is. Why is the flight? A lot of people are saying America's new favorite comic.

One of the all-time grades, a superstar angel.

Here's what we're going to do.

I want you to stand back here between Michael Gonzalez and D. Madness. I want you to watch Andrew Lo's set. Give me some notes. And then I want you to give like you did with the movies. I want you to give us synopsis of what he talked about.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Andrew Lo, everybody. Thank you. I appreciate it. All right.

So let's get actually, let's really be honest though, because I didn't hear enough people

“make some noise because I know, yeah, has anybody used the fucking coin star make some noise?”

Thank you to my fellow world pitches out there. All right. So if you haven't used the coin star, like I was saying, it's this fun little machine. You find tucked away in the corner of the Walmart, right? You walk up with your saved up.

Box of coins, where the fuck you keep it in, right? And you just walk up in you. And that's the thing. It's so fucking loud. It just lets everybody know in the general vicinity that you know, you're not really doing so good right now.

Right? Right? Because nobody's using the coin star is like, oh, I saved up some coins. I'm going to get myself something nice. And yeah, no, no, no.

It's me. High as hell in my Nike slides. Just like this needs to be $70 somehow. Or I'm totally shit out of luck, but it's not. It's like $40 minus three.

Because there's a fee. And I'm like, are you kidding me? There's a fee. I'm down this bad. And you're just going to fuck me some more out here.

And it's like, well, yeah. Because you're still going to take it like the good little coins let that you are. Thanks, guys. It's my time. Appreciate it.

All right. Two sets for Man True Loat. Here's the synopsis by Angel. The as Angel step up to that migrant. If it, let's say somebody hadn't seen what Andrew Lo talked about.

How would you describe it to them? You know, pretty much this guy is broke his shit. [laughter] So you said you were collecting coins and taking them to Walmart. Like, bro, you are broke.

“At this point, the only thing you're trying to find is like,”

you know, those old coins are like, I feel like that's like, you're lucky thing. You know, you know what? I just gave this guy a kiss. Here, you can hear. [laughter]

Thank you.

Sometimes, as you be, depends.

There's a few minutes by Angel Diaz. Angel, you're not a plainly instrument.

“So I just might make you like a band member full time or something.”

You're not a do anything. You're not a play like I'm a... [laughter] You actually, I do, I know how to pay the... [laughter]

You, I know how to pay. I know how to pay the double keyboard. No, no, you're not going to replace one of these guys. You're going to be in addition to the band. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I can play the double keyboard. The best was the look around, though. What do I play? Of course, the most common instrument play by human beings. The double piano.

Angel, you know what? We're going to give you a is another can of delicious water. Bird hand, I'm that can of water. You go, let's open it away from me this time. You've earned it, Angel.

Wow. Somehow, a completely uncarbonated can of water, by the way. Somehow, what do you do with so much bounty? I'll say this, too. Angel is such a good presence that Andrew Lowe's set got better and better.

And we got to hear the whole coin start thing and it made more sense. Oh, this gave me a lot of good.

We'll never know how many people were laughing at the coin's cemetery.

I don't know how many people in the room were slowly picking up on that angel. Literally has to lean in like that to be able to absorb. Is that also how you watch movies, Angel? Yes, I'm actually very blind. I have a 13, 20 vision.

I don't know what I'm sorry. I don't have no idea what I was to talk about anymore. At this point, I'm just lying to everybody. Perfect. The fact that you've run out of material is absolutely perfect, Angel.

I'm so glad I gave you a golden ticket, amazing. It's going to be a real hoot nanny next time you're up. In every-- Tony, he can't miss. You found a full-bodied, retarded magic.

Uh-oh. Look at him. Was anyone that was showed up in the same clothes? Oh, Michael Jordan of something. There he is.

Sound effects for days. Every time he does something, something happens. All right. Andrew, uh, low, fun times. Just for the sake of your entire set being about--

or everyone thinking about Angel Diaz while you were up here. Here's a big joke book. There's nothing that can change. There's nothing that can change. You had to be here for what happened before, yeah.

“I think you got a golden ticket Angel, it's a little better than a joke book.”

You got a joke book? You got a joke book? You got a joke book? I'll give you a check. But there you go.

That was for a ton on to those things Angel. Don't go selling them to someone in an alleyway though. I could tell you're a real hustler, dude. I don't know how you survived. Can I get those sugar at book?

Wait, Tony. Is that-- Big snow is one more time. For Angel Diaz and Andrew Lowe, everybody. There they go.

Where's one more butt slap? There goes Angel. [music playing] All right. This has been a long episode.

So this will be your final bucket pull of the night. And he goes by the name of Spencer Boone. [music playing] I like hot dogs. And my mom has a tramp stamp.

You can forgive your mom for getting a tramp stamp when she's young.

My mom was 44 and her third divorce.

“I don't think I should be able to remember my mom coming home with a tramp stamp.”

I definitely shouldn't have been old enough to drive away from the situation. [music playing] A lot of people jerking off the cartoons these days. I don't like it. It's weird.

It's weird in this gross. Why are you doing that? Stop. A guy went to art school to draw cat ears and I don't like it. I'm bad at drawing hands and they're nailing tentacles.

I'm a hypocrite though. I grew up loving the goofy movie. It's a great movie. I like hot dogs. I like hot dogs.

Thank you so much. Ah, Spencer Boone. Very funny. Welcome. Thank you.

Hey, how's it going? He's got a great intro. I like hot dogs. It's the face perfectly. Yeah.

And the body. No doubt about it.

Spencer, how long have you been on stand up?

A little over six years now. Six years. Where are? Last three here by started in Virginia. Nice.

What do you do for work? I work at a rock and roll in a horror movie shop. Oh, sweet. Yeah. That's here.

Yeah, there's one right here on the sixth tree. Right down there? Yeah, across from Vulcan. Yeah, I still have not been there. I need to go in there.

Yeah, we got a bigger one in South Lamar. It's pretty safe. I love it. Hell yeah. I love that.

“You must get interesting people coming in there.”

Anything crazy ever happen there? Um. Man, a lot of dudes with autism coming in. Yeah. It'll be honest.

Yeah. Yeah. We also sell toys and figures. So it's like Ninja Turtles and like, you know, wrestling figures and stuff like that. And you meet the, you meet all sorts.

Yeah. That's awesome.

I like Turtles and I'm like, yeah.

I got you. Yeah. How long have you worked there? I started working there in the 2023. Okay.

Yeah. I like it. Hell yeah. That's sort of how to all the dudes who come in and ask or say they like turtles. How many of them would you say are virgins?

Oh, God. Sadly, it's usually dudes with families. Oh, that's not a lot of virgins. Yeah. It's like dudes coming with their kids are like, we all like turtles.

Oh, my. Hell yeah. Wow. It's a family affair. That shit on.

Yeah. Collecting shit they don't need, you know. That's good. You have to know about all that shit to work there. To a degree it helps to like know about movies and music because we have bands ranging from classic rock through like death metal.

So it's like, it's also the merch store so the more familiar eyes you are that easier it is. Okay. Fuck yeah. What do you do for fun Spencer? Uh, go to a lot of rock concerts.

Uh, concerts of ants or just live music in general of. Yeah. Oh, as far as like witch genre because that's kind of hard. Really anything real. Your favorite live shows, I'd say.

Uh, the acacia stream. Oh, they're here. They're here in the audience. Ladies and gentlemen. That's my favorite metal band.

But I mean last year I saw Wu Tang and that was awesome. Okay. Yeah, Wu Tang run the jewels. Well, the people from Albuquerque. Love Wu Tang.

Incredible. But run the jewels is the shit live. Yeah, they are. They were awesome. That was right there.

Yep. Two rappers at once turns out it's like twice as entertaining as one rapper. Yeah, and then Wu Tang's like seven dudes. You're like fuck yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. I know when I'm surrounded by seven dudes I get fucking. You love it. What? Sharon revenge Lee would call hard as a rock.

Okay. So Spencer Boone. Uh, you in love? No. Okay.

Briefly day to girl over the holidays and that ended. How did that end? Uh, just wasn't feeling the vibe anymore. You ended it. Uh, it was mutual.

Like we were neither as we're kind of like really looking for a relationship. At least I wasn't really kind of fell into it. Right.

“When you say you fell into it, what exactly does that matter?”

I work at a horror movie metal shop. Oh, yes. You know, you meet a lot of goth girls. Okay. Yeah.

Red band. What do you? He's mowning. He's doing his growl. But those of you that don't want, if you're wondering what we're talking about.

Red band doesn't think when he wants to talk, but doesn't have anything to say where he just goes. We all hear it up here. But the mics aren't near him. So you don't know that he's doing it.

Like he has a thought about something. Okay. Goth girls. Horrible hygiene. Usually, right?

I'm not. My experience. I don't know what goth girls you've been with. Yeah. We're some big dirt balls.

Oh, run through some golf girls stereotypes. Yeah. Condemned. Not typically. No.

They want to die, bird. Why would they use condoms? But I don't get with just goth girls. It's been a lot of latina since I've been in Texas. Ooh, latina's.

What do you notice is the difference between latina's and goth girls? Uh, they're worse when blended together. Ah. Oh, there's a big latina goth move. Yeah.

They take it too seriously. You want to fuck Morrissey fan. No. That is the most fascinating thing in culture. The Mexican community attaching itself to Morrissey is like mind blowing.

It is. I'm hoping that'll happen to me. So I'm hell. That like I'll show up and it'll just be paralyzed people. Yeah.

“And I'm like, what did I do to get just people and wheel tears?”

It is. Incredible. It's the shirt. Um. Have you ever thought about performing shirtless?

No. Do you want to try it?

That's never across my mind once.

It works. Uh, for you, maybe. But no one can do that now. If anyone does it, they just say they're ripping you. Well, it'd be shocked.

Yeah. A lot of certain miscommunities these days. I swear to God. There are. Fuck.

Yeah.

Angel Dia is going to be releasing a couple.

Hell yeah. We love Angel Diaz.

“There's one lady literally having an orgasm over there.”

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