#755 - DR. PHIL + GREG FITZSIMMONS + SAL VULCANO

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“You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what?”

Okay, every single week I booked this maimajama doesn't get, I mean, this is just so amazing. Two of our favorite guests in the history of the show. Make some fucking noise for the great Salball Cano and Great bit Simmons. Oh my god, yeah, baby, great bit Simmons, Salball Cano.

Oh my god, very exciting stuff.

Ladies and gentlemen, Salball Cano is on tour. SalballCanoComedy.com is doing the rhyme and theater in Nashville. He's got brand new season of the impractical jokers coming out on TBS Thursdays on TBS and his podcast Manuch is available everywhere. Great fit Simmons, one of the greatest guests in the show's histories, touring fits.com.

He's in Philly, Lexington and Houston. Coming up very soon.

“How you guys feeling, you excited to be here?”

I'm so excited. Hell yeah. I'm fucking excited. Are you guys excited? Hell yeah.

It's coming in. You guys excited to what? He's fickle a teen as loved the impractical jokers. Ladies, screaming Sal's name over and over again. Little fucking the tort as love you, Sal.

You guys know how the show works. A hundred plus comedians are stacked on top of each other in a bar, right next door. And if I pull one of their names out of this bucket, our trusty assistant goes grabs them. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. On stage, you know, their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which is just loud and annoying and cuts them off. And then I conduct an interview. We find out more about their real life or their careers.

Or anything. Really, that I find interesting about them. I'm so excited about this, Sal and Greg. I mean, we have you guys. It literally just does not get any better than this.

(music playing) (music playing) (music playing) (music playing) Oh my god!

(music playing) Oh my god! (music playing)

(music playing) There he is! (music playing) (music playing) (music playing)

There he is! (music playing) (music playing) (music playing) (music playing)

(music playing) (music playing) (music playing) (music playing) (music playing)

(music playing) (music playing) (music playing) (music playing) (music playing)

(music playing) (music playing) Oh my god! (music playing) (music playing)

(music playing) Oh my god! (music playing) Oh! (music playing)

Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed the 2020-24 guest of the year. (music playing) Dr. Phil is here, ladies and gentlemen. (music playing) Oh!

(music playing) That bread. I'm at a bread, but I brought some treats. We don't need any more red bands out there. (music playing)

Wow! Dr. Phil is throwing out Magnum condoms. What might be open? (music playing) I got bored in the Delta lounge.

(music playing) (music playing) Oh, hold on to these two for later. Dr. Phil live in the flesh. Literally recognized as one of the greatest guests in this shit.

Well, what was that? Monkey Pugs? Oh my goodness gracious.

“We didn't even get to hang out yet. How'd you get those?”

(laughter) Wow! I'm sad to be back, Tony. It's been way too long, Dr. Phil. You've been out selling out all around the fucking world.

We did it. We're going to Australia and Canada next year. That's right. Sorry this year. The who is me tour.

(laughter) Wow! That's a wild thing that's happening. Sorry I'm excited. (laughter)

Well, yes, you don't even-- Wow. It's wild, how? You do. Now, we're going to keep right here.

Okay. Off ride. This is very exciting. Dr. Phil is here live in the flesh with great fit Simmons and Salball Canada.

This episode is brought to you by Shopify. (applause) My goodness. I mean, what a start to the show. I mean, that's absolutely crazy.

You got a fucking joke water? Yeah. Yeah, we do. It shouldn't quit. We absolutely do.

“We shake them up before the show to add vibes and energy to the show.”

It's working. It's working and it's working. That's what we call that.

So, what's amazing is that,

while this is an incredible, perhaps one of the greatest starts of the show ever, why don't we take it one step further and have the first comedian be the record holder for all-time appearances.

Normally, the closer of this show, one of the few living members of the Killtoni Hall of Fame, some people call them the Memphis Strangler, the Manella Gorilla, the frightened of Tacoma,

the weirdo of Washington. This is the big red machine. William Montgomery! (applause) My mother was watching the news the other night,

and she heard people talk about doxing one another. She goes, "Honey, what is doxing?" I said, "Oh, it's when two guys get in a ring and punch each other with their dicks." (laughter)

The waiter walks out and goes, "Who ordered the Amber Jack?" I raised my hand, and he sends it down in front of me. I look and I say, "Wait, this has whiskers.

Have I literally been catfished?" (laughter) Can you imagine if you were a flat earther, like a depressed, flat earther, and one day you tell your flat earther friends,

I really can't take it anymore. I'm just gonna walk this way,

and I'm never gonna stop.

And they're all like, "No, don't do it. No!" And then around 80 days later, you show up from the opposite direction. (laughter) And you're in a hot air balloon,

and you're like, "Guys, you're never gonna believe this." (laughter) Okay, that's my time, Tony. (laughter) Look, 'cause the earth is round, Tony.

“That's why you would show up from the other end.”

Right. But that would mean that it's not flat. Right, it would mean it's right. It's saying to us, it's ultimately teaching us friends that the earth is round.

Right, it's kind of like a passion play. (laughter) Oh my gosh, Tony, I'm so nervous. Seriously, going up first, I love it. It's literally my favorite day,

but I'm so nervous right now, 'cause we're really, I have time up there to hang out and whatever, and oh my gosh, here we are. So, I love it.

I love it. I love it. I have your comfort zone, proof that you can do it all. You got the show started with a bang. And Tony, I do have to say,

I finally have been in a horrible funk.

I'm still actually in a pretty bad funk in my brain, but I've started rowing again, and I've done 60... Yeah. 65 fucking miles to pass, six days, Tony. Very good, William.

Yeah, listening to a fucking melancholy and the infinite sadness by a smashing pumpkin salt time. Great fit, Simmons. Well, it's just great that you're rowing. I know you guys have a long history of that as well,

but it's good to see that you're rowing. (laughter) We'll be right back. (laughter) Thank you for being here, Greg.

William? How was the AIDS going? It is not going good. That's part of why I'm in my funk. I messed up.

I messed up when I was in Vancouver last year. I allowed this guy to have sex with my ass. Literally with my ass, seriously. Well, it's good to mix things up. I know, it was fun.

I was kind of in a funk. I've been in these bad funks, and I've... The puzzles don't help. Nothing really helps, but when I was having sex with that guy, it was crazy.

Oh, that was fun, right, man? What was that noise? (laughter) No.

“You wouldn't have been making it in the corner, right, man?”

When you're watching my ass, you fucking weirdo? (laughter) That's exactly what you would have been. And just in the corner, where in your fucking tank top, you fucking nasty weirdo.

You're a little blue tank top. You have you ever seen it, Tony? Where's that little blue fucking tank top with these little swim trunks? And yeah, I think a little bad boy. And he's showing everybody pictures of his fucking girlfriend's feet.

Stop doing that. Seriously, stop doing that. He's doing that in the fucking green room before even start tonight. I thought of why I'm nervous, Tony. I did walk by, and you were showing somebody a picture of a foot.

Was that your girlfriend's foot? Yeah. Tradition anytime, Greg's around. Jenna shows her foot to him, because he likes that. And wow, this is not a great start for Greg's foot.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, there's certain things that stay in the green room. Yeah. It would have been a ticket into the grave, red bin.

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Now I have to cut them off. (laughter) Oh my goodness, I love it.

William, so you've been rowing again? Yeah. Doing the rowing, trying to hopefully please come see. I promise if I've been to a city before I have a whole different set. It's mainly new jokes.

I've been, I've got to get my ticket set. I've got to get better. Marketing Tony has turned out I got to figure it out. Yeah. Well, what did you just call me a nacho vest?

Or what did you say? The nacho, the best you have is the nacho. You should say everything.

“You should encourage your woman to say everything that comes to the front of her”

brain. So you're doing a really good job.

The linkers had always did give away for not having your woman under control.

Get up in. Yeah. Seriously. Seriously. Whoa.

I've got a fun fucking red bin thrown crack under the bus. I've got a beard of you, dude. Seriously. (laughter) It's really weird.

Why'd you? William, I get what's happening with you right now. You're getting fired up. You're getting angry. You're getting more red, which I didn't think was possible.

(laughter) Yeah. Everyone out. You're on right now. Where can we get some of it?

That is. But look, it looks like a little nachos. Not now. I see it. So maybe you're right.

I see it. I know you are right. All right. So that's not how this works. Yeah.

You guys all see those little nachos? Okay. We all see the nachos. It is an incredible vest, William. What are you wearing?

“It is award season and the world wants to know, where do you get a vest like that?”

So I literally clicked into ebay.com. I clicked in vintage 90s Columbia vest large. And then I get a bunch. And then yes. Now the show was not in the keyword search.

(laughter) No. Wow. Because the red little zags, they look like little nachos. They do.

(laughter) They do. It is absolutely incredible.

William always a master of style.

It is a nice vest. You look like you're about to lead a safari for a bunch of kids. You were definitely going to get molested. (laughter) Yeah.

Which is a tough gig to get. So I want to compliment you on the-- Thank you. Thank you so much. It's true.

You look like the tour guide at Epstein Island. There it is. (laughter) The guy that walks you off the dock. When you pull up on the boat.

See you show. We'll keep it now. Okay. Everybody come in here. And it's just red being jacking off with all the fucking you weirdo.

(laughter) Wow. Well, William, you got the show. So nice to meet you. You got the show started with a fucking bang, my friend.

Unbelievable. Life out.

The great and powerful William Montgomery showing us how it's done.

Now we go to the bucket, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Oh! (laughter) Dr. Phil.

Getting his own book delivered to him. That is incredible. You do. You are a marketing genius.

You and me. It's as easy as 1, 2, 3.

I'll talk about that in my book.

That's right. Page 73. Page 73. If you can't run. Get the flow guy in my garage.

(laughter) All right. So the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen,

“your first bucket pulled the night is Sancho Pancho Vio”

with an uninterrupted minute. (music playing) Let's go and on. Hell yeah. So even though I'm 5-1, I am into taller women.

And so that could be hard. So I got these shoes that make me 5-3. I don't believe me. We'll call this my stand 5-3. And that we're at 5-1.

(laughter) But even with the shoes, like tall women are still hard to hit on. Like I was hit on this one. Super tall girl.

She was like 5-5. (laughter) And she looks down. I mean, she's like, "Boy, you're so short. You would have to go up on me in the bedroom."

(laughter)

I'm like, "That's a weird way to ask.

If I keep a step ladder in my trunk." (laughter) I'm like, "Oh, what do you think I'm wearing this shirt for?" Like, "I'm trying to eat my way to your heart." You know what I'm saying?

(laughter) We're on the same note. I hate tall dudes who use the short urinal in the men's restroom. Because right now, I'm over here having a tippy toe.

Fuck, I put my chimichanga on the foot over the rim. Like, "How am I going to explain to a girl that I got crabs from a men's restroom?" (laughter) It doesn't work like that.

“I also don't show Pacho via "Thank you."”

That's my time. Wow. Adorable. Absolutely. Adorable.

One of the largest full-grown babies to ever do stand-up comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Giant when it comes to the weight class of babies. Pacho Pacho via "What's up?" You're standing at 5-1, is that what you said?

Yeah, 5-3 with the shoes on. 5-3 with the shoes on. Incredible. When is the last time you measured yourself? Like, "Hi, what?"

Yeah. (laughter) Yeah. Funny. Funny?

Yeah. (laughter)

When I went to give my driver's license.

Okay. You got one of those? Your people normally don't have one of those. (laughter) Do you have car insurance?

Sanchapancho via? Yup. Through USA. Let's go. Shut up.

Yeah. Right. Hopefully they lower my rate. I don't know. Okay.

USA. USA. USA. A-dade. A-a.

Like the military? Oh, god. You were in the military. Yes, sir. I'm a Marine.

Okay. Absolutely incredible. (applause) What the hell were you doing in the Marine? Exactly.

What was your specialty? Man, I was in engineer company. So, like, we were with generators. We built stuff. We blew it up.

Like, I'm, have more certifications than my cousin with three fake IDs. Like, I could do any Texas job. Wow. Yeah.

Amazing. Sanchapancho. You've been on the show a few times before. Yes, sir. You get very lucky.

Um. I'm hoping to tonight. (laughter) God. Now, why the food did you do that?

Yeah. (laughter) Because we're, we're pretty much rocking the same haircut. Dr. Phil, like, come on. Yeah.

When did you go bald? Do you mind me asking? Oh, probably when I was like 19. That damn. Yeah, man.

Wow. You know how to work out for you? How did you adjust, you know? With comedy. Oh, well, there you go.

I'm still struggling, obviously. So, Sanchapanchovia, you went bald at 19. Standing at five foot one.

“What do you think you did in this life or a past life?”

For God to treat you like this. (laughter) Question, Tony. And he apparently also made you extremely horny. A lot of your act has to do with women.

You just said you're hoping to get lucky tonight. When's the last time you got laid, Sanchapancho? Uh, we could go? Wow. We could go.

Who was this, who, what was this, uh, innocent person? (laughter) Where'd you meet this person, that? Uh, just in my hometown. Uh, you know.

What's he married? This one wasn't. This one was not married. That is true. We found out about you that you're into married women.

You like wrecking other people's lives. (laughter) Listen, like the doors are already cracked open. I just walk through it. You know what I'm saying?

Even if it's the dog door. Like, I'm, you know. (laughter) You don't want to go through the wall. Did you walk right?

(laughter) That was tonight's Doritos, Blue Group and that. (laughter) Put it on the cutting room for yourself. Where were you guys going to say at the same time?

I was going to say, yeah, you walk under the crack. You didn't have to go. Uh, yeah, you say you walked right through the dog room. Right. He doesn't have to duck down or anything like that.

Work together. We all have different doggy door jokes for you, central. That's a good sign. That's how you know you're a hot dude. When you bring up a dog house and we're like,

(laughter)

So, you find that there's a lot of girls

that are into, uh, whatever you are. (laughter) Women love a confident man, yes, Tony. It is confidence. You do carry it well.

Well, when do you cry? When, like, do you let it out? Is there a moment, ever? Uh, you work out Sanchez, Pancho? I do.

I'm downtown pounds. What have you been doing exactly?

“Explain to some of these people out here”

how they can lose weight. Uh, I quit alcohol, so that was a big one for now. Yeah. But on the same Patrick's dad, dress up like leprechaun. So, like, I warm up the way and I can drink again.

So, oh, yeah. That's perfect. And then, uh, yeah, quit alcohol, and then just working out every day. So, yeah.

Amazing. Back to adventure, 245. That's cool. You benched 245? Yeah.

Wow.

Enough about your date from last week.

(laughter) If she's not 180, she ain't a lady. You know what I'm saying? Let's go. I'll talk about that in my book, Chapter 2.

Chapter 2. Chapter 25. Fed bitches are people too. (laughter) I'll give them to help you to local Barnes and Noble.

(laughter) What's the biggest girl you've ever hooked up with before I let you go, sunshine, poncho? (laughter) I don't probably read that.

Um, probably, she's like 233, probably? Yeah. That's an interesting cast. Wait, wait. Sorry.

Not to be specific. That was such a specific way. Yeah. Like, you, that's something you knew.

“But down that 233 is a very specific answer.”

And that's how much I weigh. Is it really? That's my real weight. You really think so?

Let's get the fun and scale out everybody.

No doubt about it. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Come on. There it is.

(laughter) Come on. There it is. (cheering) Great band.

(laughter) Oh, it's really good. (laughter) Come on, red band. (cheering)

(laughter) All right. (laughter) So, I will say I'm fully clothed and that was naked. (laughter)

He's wearing 27 pounds of clothing, everybody. (laughter) Here he is. Hi, real guest. Oh, my God.

My real guest is, uh, uh. I weighed myself like this one. By the way, if a bucket pool gave this many excuses, we're getting, I'm just going to say, I'm just going to say I weigh about 2.39.

Okay. All right. Don't get red band. You're wearing your neck. (laughter)

2.33, everybody. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen.

“He's been here for every episode of the show.”

Sal, read it off for me when it comes up. It just says, "All right." It says, "Ouch." Okay, we're-- (laughter)

Uh, do you want me to report that? Yeah, we're going to report it. (laughter) Uh, 251.4. (laughter)

(laughter) That's right, folks. He's wearing 17 pounds of clothing. (laughter) Here he's getting gold outside.

What do you mean? Sunshine poncho, get on that thing. Let's see what it says. All right. I'm going to take my shoes off though.

I'm going to take my shoes off. (laughter) 193. 193. (laughter)

Chew. Now, what do you mean you weighed in today? What does that even mean? Oh, you're right. This thing is pretty heavy.

(laughter) Yeah, okay. I'm 165. 164.6, everybody. (laughter)

Give it up for Tony Hitchley, everybody. Let's go. (laughter) What is this? (laughter)

You're right. I'll give you a 10 pounds. (laughter) Maybe. Take yourself a joke, book Tony.

Thank you. Thank you. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. Sunshine poncho. (applause)

Sunshine poncho. What size joke book did you get last time? Uh, thank you so much. Uh, and small joke book is the same size as a big joke book. That's right.

So you got a small one? Yes, sir. What today? You're getting a medium one. Let's go.

Sunshine poncho be everybody. There he goes. (applause) And the show is off and running. (laughter)

You weighed in at 233 today? No, 239 today. 239. Were you naked? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. All right. Ooh, it's a lovely Heidi, everyone. A lot of drinks coming tonight. You guys haven't fun out there?

Yeah, yeah. We got Dr. Phil, Greg Fitzsimmons, and Sal Volcano, everybody. And a shit ton of water. And absolutely shocking amount of water on the table.

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Shopify.com/killtony. Shopify.com/killtony. Absolutely. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Mario Zapata. Everyone.

Mario Zapata. How are you? Are you sure? Yeah. A lot of crazy stuff going on in Minneapolis.

Was everybody mad at all these Somalia's? Kind of white and white in a lot but that's cool whatever. Don Lemon recently got arrested. That's it's crazy. Just goes to show you when life gives you lemons.

Get legal aid. I don't know what you did but whatever. All right. Buckling guys.

“What is the difference between a Jewish person and an undercover cop?”

You may never know you were talking to a cop.

Thank you. All right guys. I think the reason the reward we're charging is such an offensive word is because so many people are. You can see it everywhere. I saw a school and said get your MS in business.

And I'm like who wants to report meeting with multiple sclerosis? Can you imagine standing in front of everybody going? This company is built on a solid foundation. All right. Mario.

Thank you. Some potas. This is your first time on the show. Oh, you better not. You looked at friend or something.

Yes. I recently started shaving my head because I was looking like Angelica's Barbie doll. Okay. Dr. Phillips. That's impossible.

You couldn't do that at any point. Dr. Phil. Yeah. Well, if I look like I was about to shoot up an anthropology store. I don't associate my head.

Now, what I mean by that is you came in hot. For a minute, I thought you were running for office because you just kept being like too many Jews. Yeah. Then you said it was the last thing you said.

“I think the reason the word, the retarded is so offensive is because so many people are.”

Right. Okay. And how do you feel about that joke?

I'm behind it, dude. I know a lot of retarded people. (laughs) Sal, what do you think about this guy? Well, I like that you had topical stuff.

So you're writing new stuff and I like that you really went for jokes. You really did. I will say though, you know, I noticed that you told, I noticed that you told everybody to buckle up before one of the jokes. And then you really, I mean, it really didn't deliver.

You know?

“So I would say, you should just be mindful of that.”

And you're going to tell everyone to buckle up like, the inference was that you were going to blow their fucking balls off with this next joke. And then it was really just a, just a, you know, a really par type of joke. It's funny.

I never saw anyone tell they wouldn't buckle up with this next one.

And then basically just, it was a very mellow mellow joke after that. That was more for me. It was more for you. Okay. But look at the catchphrase.

Or did you just feel like coming out saying something? Sassy. It does feel sassy. I mean, I don't know. Maybe I could use it catchphrase.

Yeah, buckle up guy, hey, buckle up. Yeah, let me just say something real quick. It did, you said that he said to buckle up and that it felt, I'll agree to disagree. So because I feel like the comedy set was a little turbulent.

And when you're on a plane, they tell you to buckle up because things aren't going to go according to plan, which is kind of. No, buckle up folks. Yeah.

Hell yeah. But you do have confidence. And that's important.

It's actually buckle up everybody.

Jewish people will let you know that Jewish. Yeah. That's another, that's exactly what I was getting to next. You're good at spotting Jews. This is that.

Is that what? No, they usually tell me pretty quickly in a conversation. They tell you they're Jewish. Oh, yeah. Where are you talking to these Jews?

That exactly. Wherever I go. Wherever you go. They're everywhere, right? I mean, like, I don't know.

That sounds bad. Okay. Starting to see why this guy shaped his head all the way. Good lord. That's what he got.

Yeah. Keep talking guys. Why do you? All right. This one I signed out more.

Let's do. I mean, people are everywhere, right? You'd run it for people everywhere. Oh, wow. It doesn't get much more racist than that, everybody.

But these people are everywhere. I can't go anywhere without saying these fucking people. Yes. Okay. Oh, this is a favorite type of person.

Okay. That's a total of these people. Direction, changing question. You just did Dr. Phil.

Let's stick with the Jews here for a second.

You should do it. Okay. Let's not shift at all, Dr. Let me ask you this. You're seeing them everywhere.

“This and that, is there anything you've noticed a way to spot Jews before they had told you that they're Jewish?”

No. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing a stand-up for six years. I've been doing comedy for 12. I used to do musical comedy.

Okay. Well, you would sing? Yeah. You would write your own song? Like a guitar and stuff like that.

Yeah. You have been a original song? I do. Okay. What notes are they and what chord is it?

Most of them are in G. Because it's an open... Okay. You guys want to play an open G? Why don't you sing us something Mario?

Okay. They'll follow you. Here we are, me and my best friend. Out at the bar and where hammered again and where talking. About all the girls we bang.

We both drink until we can't see. Then my friend leans over and he says to me, Hey, I love you, man. You're my bro and I'm like, yeah, bro. I love you too.

The part that's weird for me.

“Is he's telling me this while he's rubbing on my knee?”

My name is Mario. And if you're having a bad time in the show so far... Well... Book of love. Book of love.

I'm dressed like I'm ready to go. Work the late shift at Home Depot, Book of love. Book of love. Book of love. Book of love.

♪ And if you're driving drunk through the Taco Bell ♪ ♪ Make sure that call you dead ♪ ♪ Who's in hell and say dead ♪ ♪ I'm gonna get that same order you used to get ♪ ♪ But, but, but, but, but ♪

- Well, Dr. Phil, making Mario Zapata hilarious. - You did a little Pandora, Lisa. - Appreciate that, Phil. - Hell yeah, hell yeah. - Mario Zapata. So you did musical comedy, and now you just do stand up.

- I did wedding videos, I make porn, and I-- - Wait, let me stop right there. When you say you make porn, what exactly do you-- - Fuck it up. (laughter)

- Where was that person? - Where was that person? - Before I fucking improvised a shitty song. (laughter) - It's trying to be discrete.

(laughter) - Yes, we talked about it last time. I make giant just porn with my wife. - Oh, that's right. You have a big wife, and you-- - Oh, yes, a tall wife, okay.

- Big difference, big difference. - Yeah, yeah. - You're not pulling a Sancho Poncho via out here. You're going for the tall girls, Sancho. - Yeah, yeah, I like-- I like to sit at the bar high.

- Very interesting. - And that's been good for you. Fantastic. You guys are making good money. - Good money? Yeah? - Have you ever thought about, you know,

“because those guys probably like the difference in height, right?”

- Beton? - The two people. Have you ever thought about letting Sancho Poncho be a joint end? (laughter) - Because--

- I would charge him to be in the movie. (laughter) - Probably a love it. - Oh, yeah. - All right. Somebody's going to charge a golf chair, yeah.

- Yeah, where do we, uh, where do we-- is it all available online or is it a specific-- - We're looking up films dot something. It's on, it's on fucking-- - What is that? A Donna Orger or something?

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Okay, it's on a-- - You sure are starting to-- - We're selling through square. - We're selling through square.

- You don't know the website of you and your wife's porn? - I copy and paste everything dude. It's like-- - Wow. - Yeah, yeah, look at our films dot, uh--

(laughter) - She goes-- - Yeah, what's that up? (laughter) - We're going through great things.

(laughter) - Are you as a potter?

- Our second extremely confident Latino in a row.

- Oh, no. - You as well. (laughter) - Yeah, it was good. Mario, you know what?

I'll give you a big joke, but thanks. - I appreciate that. - Did you get one last time? - No, okay, there you go. Boom.

- Good catch. It's a little off. - Put a little sticky one. There he goes. Mario is the potter, everybody.

That's perfect Mario. That's a Okey-dokey. Well, there he is. 12 years of comedy experience. There he goes.

Mario is the potter, everyone. All right.

“Our next bucket pool ladies and gentlemen”

goes by the name of Robert Carroll. Here we go. Robert Carroll. Okay. This looks like a new face.

Makes the noise for Robert Carroll, everybody. (applause) - Fuck an egg. Kiltowni. Wonderful.

So... (laughter) I'm on shrumes. I gotta lead with that. Sorry.

What are the odds?

This is my second time I sign up.

There's no way they're picking me. I'm shrooming pretty hard. Give me a little bit of fit. Okay. So I guess stuck here for the ice.

I've stayed at goddamn hotel. Very nice hotel. But you know, how many times can a 60-year-old man jerk off in one afternoon? (laughter)

38. (laughter) The answer's 38. 69 would've been funny, but it's really 38. So, the mushroom's saying anybody do sell a siren,

but the undemished brother. Oh, yeah. Anybody's shrooming tonight? Whop, whop. Well, I am.

That was a bad idea. It's going to turn out fine. I'm sure. Um. So I talked to all these young people.

I'm like, "So, Simon's legal now." And they're like, "Oh, that's so cute. Are you micro-dosing?"

“And I'm like, "No, I don't know what the fuck is a micro-dosing.”

Seven grams of micro-dosing." Yes. I guess I'm micro-dosing. Anyway, I'm Robert Carroll. Thank you all.

You got to love a guy who 52 seconds in says it's going to turn out just fine. (laughter) Amazing. You're certainly dressed like you're on a bunch of mushrooms.

This all checks out. Robert, grab that microphone. Let's talk about it, man. How long have you been doing comedy for? I lied.

This is my absolute first time in front of a crowd

and a microphone. There you go. Okay. Perfect. We got it.

All right. Great. And you're 60 years old. What made you want to start comedy now? I went broke.

What? I went broke. Okay, ladies. Stop. Do you okay, relax.

Did you hear the laugh that got? Not at all. Shut the fuck up. What is going on? With the women in this room tonight,

it is unbelievable. Made like some weird improv troop. Kamala loss, ladies. Shut the fuck up. Not what the fuck is going on.

This fucking one's back now. (laughter) I don't sure if you're drunk or anything is dirty. Okay, red band, very good. Wow.

Can the ladies start heckling if red band's going to jump in with his fucking comedy? I understood that. I got it. Okay.

Robert, what made you want to start here today? It's a long story, but going broke in short. And just how did you go broke?

Oh, well. Okay. You're on the show.

Decades of working as a builder for the commercial construction industry.

Built down a little quiet there, Robert. You've really fizzled out years of working. How did short version is? I just suddenly realized, "Fuck it. I'm going to be 60."

And if I keep scraping, things will be, "A." It's so fucking, I just literally went nuts. My whole family. They've decided to keep me maybe.

“But like I said, I think it's going to work.”

I think he thinks he's in a bed bath and beyond right now. (laughter) Is your talk. You got to talk. I couldn't understand.

I wanted to follow that story. Well, it's a rambling bunch. I did lead with him on mushroom. I really thought mathematically the likelihood of me being on today was not very good. But I do function it reasonably.

What mathematically your odds are the same whether you're on or not on mushrooms. If you take an overload of mushrooms, that's when you wouldn't sign up. I'm not sure about that. I'm not sure that's true. I'm here, man.

It's my second try. You got it. You signed up last week as well.

I did. I was here for the ice storm.

What would you have talked about last week if you would have gotten pulled not on mushrooms? Were you on mushrooms? Were you on mushrooms as well as on mushrooms? See, your whole plan was just to come out and go, "I'm on mushrooms. I hope this goes okay."

And it has been working so far. Where is it been working? If you've been doing other open mic? I mean, my back accounts aren't looking very good, but everything else is pretty sweet.

Well, how do you afford that fucking scarf if you don't have any cash? (laughter) Do you make that at a pubs and quaves? (laughter) It's everything's negotiable.

What the fuck did that mean? (laughter)

“I'm trying to fucking tackle that from you?”

This is an impossible interview. That's a you purchase. Tell us the fun fact about your life. Man, you're 60 years old and all you've said so far is I'm on mushrooms. Okay, I'm 60 years old.

I'm a commercial builder. I'm a grandfather of three wonderful grandkids. We had play day Saturday. I was not on mushrooms for that. Okay.

How often are you doing mushrooms nowadays?

Often as I can. Yeah. Yeah. I have found that. Are you dealing with some type of trauma or something like that?

Aren't we all? Yes. Yeah. Like what? Can you give us something compelling about your life?

You have 60 years to reference here? Well, I lost 80 pounds last year. Oh, well, that's... So, February the 10th. Thank you.

Thank you. And then somebody said, hey, you're kind of funny. And now you're kind of... So, I've been... I was here because I was working on the show "Me Mall" with Roseanne.

I don't know if I'm so, anyway, I was here as a background actor. Okay. I got stuck. Joe Ellis is someone you know.

“Joe said, hey, you should do "Kilt on me."”

Okay. I came with her. I hope you didn't know if you was supposed to mention that you did background work on the show "Me Mall." Who would want you to keep that to yourself? Excellent.

I'm going to try to follow. I know. But I have one other question. Do you put on all the jewels after you take the mushrooms? Yeah.

But this... I actually... I was wearing these things before I was doing the mushrooms. But I do wear this pretty well all the time. Okay. I mean, I do not sleep at all.

Is that strictly aesthetic? Or do any of those things have a certain special meaning? It's probably OCD. Once you start wearing them, then you're like, oh fuck, I don't have that on. I'm sure my lips are on.

We didn't have about in your life. Did you start doing a lot of mushrooms? Oh, well, I did a lot when I was in college back in the 80s. Talking about this new one. Recently, my son just graduated from college.

And he's got a degree in engineering. A ballpark. Oh, year ago. Year ago. Perfect.

Let me ask you this. When did you start wearing that type of jewelry? Exactly. What's around your neck? That type.

Right. Two years ago. Two years ago. It was a faded set. When did you become turquoise Mr. Tady?

[ Laughter ] Cool. You've definitely got a Jeff Bridges Jim Henson about to get me two to the Wichels Preciles type of vile. Jeff Bridges and Jeff Bridges.

The other guy. Yeah. All right, Robert. I've kept you up here way too long. Well, thank you for putting up with me.

God damn it. Snuck in. And you didn't torture me. The crowd was great. I am going to do something.

You're like, yeah. You're right. You're right. Right. Right joke sometime.

And then you'll be back on. And then we'll know something about you. I love that year on mushrooms. And now we all feel like we're on mushrooms. Yeah.

Contagious. Dr. Phil's throwing him a Magnum condom. There you go. You probably think she's a gummy worm. There you go.

There he goes. Throw it up. A Robert Carroll, everybody. Watch it up. A Maze.

Three in cubes. There he goes. Hell yeah. [ Laughter ] There he goes.

Yeah. Show them how to get out of here. It's now done. It's now done. And stripping so hard.

It's like I've done it. These old people doing mass amounts of mushrooms that are nowhere.

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[laughs] Make some noise through your next bucket pool everybody. It's直 and more outlets. [music playing] Oh yeah.

You guys remember when driving a Tesla major Nazi? [laughter] I missed those days. I like being called a different type of inward. [laughter]

Which is ironic. I'm from Idaho. That place is full of end words. [laughter] I had to go out and buy myself a Tesla Model 3rd Reich.

That's right, drive now. [laughter]

“See this joke is only fun and silly if you can remember that the end word means not to you, right?”

So anyway, I see this group of filthy fucking end words coming down the sidewalk. And they were headed right towards me because I was screaming out end word lives don't matter. Yeah, I hate black people. [laughter] But not as much as I hate those blonde-haired, blue-eyed end words.

Thank you. [laughter] Okay, 50 seconds from Terry Morales. Good job.

I have anything after Robert Carroll's amazing.

[laughter] Anything after an old man going, "Oh man, mushrooms." That's just incredible. At least you tried to wreak amazing, uh... First time?

Second time. Second time ever doing stand-up. What made you want to sign up for? No, no, no. Second time on the show.

Oh, second. It is. All right, how did it go your first time? It went well. Yes.

I had a full 60 seconds. It was great. All right. Okay. And how long ago was that?

And maybe November? What did we find out about you then? What was the interview based around? Oh, I had a gong. Not that black.

[laughter] You had a gong? I had a gong. Yeah. I didn't get to pull it out.

Oh. I had it in my passenger seat. Oh. Or the whole time. And I just had to drive home.

With it in there. Okay, yeah. That wasn't anything we covered in the interview. Last time? No.

That was in your car. It was. Give us something. What do you do for work, Terry? I work from home.

Just like getting paid to be unemployed. What do you do? Honestly, I don't know. It's like the documents they come in. I hit like green or red child care.

And then. Yes. He's a Somali day care worker, everybody. Good job, Red Band. [laughter]

Mr. 233 over here. [laughter] Okay.

You're getting paid. I'm getting paid.

How much do you get paid?

It's $20 an hour. How many hours a day are you working? Eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. And it checks clear.

It checks clear. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for fun or nothing? I like to play the piano.

The piano player? You're a piano player. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

“A bit of a beige, Beethoven, a little bit.”

Okay. Are you the kid from Fresh Prince of Bill Eyre? That's me. Yeah. There you go.

Absolutely. Are you from Austin, Texas? No. I just moved here in July. Okay.

Where were you up before that? Boise Idaho. Nice. Alright. Tell us about being whatever you are in this.

Yeah. Yeah. That was the blackest person there, which is super embarrassing. Are you black? Yes.

Half black, half Mexican, Puerto Rican.

Oh. Puerto Rican. Okay. Alright. Very good.

Look. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've been long enough.

Sound here. I just wanted to double back on the job you do because you said that I don't know the documents come in. You said, and I hit red or green. Yeah.

There's like a literally a thumbs up or a thumbs down. I just. You literally should not know what you do. Literally. Yeah.

It's like something with finance. I don't know. But what do you do? The fucking the document comes in. I hit.

I checked these numbers to see if they match up with like client information. Are you on the cast of Severance? Yeah. The work is mysterious and important. Definitely.

The work is mysterious and important. Wow. How long have you worked for this company? Like three months. Yeah.

Not long. Why would you hit it green? The numbers match up with the client information. It's fucking lumen. That's it.

That's it. That's it. Yeah. And you would hit red when the numbers don't match. When they don't match.

And you do this for eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. And what for movies? I'm on the phone. I'm hanging out with my comic friends.

That's it. Was your training for this? Not really. No. It's like day one.

They're like, all right.

Here's what you're going to be doing.

And the name of the company. Oh, what the hell? You don't need to. I don't think he's going to lose this. Nothing burger job.

It says that. Yeah. Treek. What's your love life like? A single right.

I can't afford to date. I make $20 an hour. So. Yeah. I should pro.

Yeah. Yeah. Single right now. I haven't been on. How long have you been in Austin?

Since July. And I see you've been on no dates. You've met no women. I went on one day. I met her like at a show at Narbar.

And it didn't go well. What happened? This is perfect. Take us through the night. Yeah.

She was just like, she was like a bodybuilder. And I didn't. I couldn't see. She was wearing a hoodie. And we went on the date.

She was wearing like a tank top. And she had like some fucking biceps. Uh-huh. I wasn't ready for that. I think I was a little.

She was, you know, thick neck. Biceps. Did you? Is there any chance she had a dick? [ Laughter ]

I didn't make it that far.

“I think you went on a date with Joe Rogan.”

[ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] He looked me involved. He looked more play. Yeah.

A lot of innocent. Yeah. That's that. Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan.

No, no. And permission is free freely. Uh-huh. Did uh, when she took her hoodie off and you saw just... Good-goom, good-goom.

Right? Yeah. And you saw, you know, there's a potential opportunity for me to pick fucker, right? Mm. Did, uh, did you...

Stay with me? Wait. Well, was that Dr. Phil? Pick fucker. What does that mean?

So, you know, she's so muscular. Her boobs have turned into pecs. Uh-huh. So, if you still want to achieve a titty foot, I'll send you a link. Yeah.

When she... when she derogued, uh, or declode, did she get excited? Did you take her step back and go? This isn't what I ordered. Yeah. I broke out in a small sweat.

I said, "This is not what I ordered." Yeah. How'd you get out of there? I fucking I paid. And I was like, "Pleasure meeting ya?"

She went in for the kiss. You mean the headlock? Yeah. Yeah. When she went in for the kiss, exactly what happened.

She went in for the kiss. And I had enough time to, like, kind of think about it. I didn't think back a little bit. And then I just looked away. Her eyes were closed.

So I just looked and pretend I didn't see it. And then I looked back. So I was like, "Oh, hey, what is great media?" Wow. What was like a red document?

Yeah. That was a thumbs down for me, dog. It was a thumbs down. Wow. Tariq.

Absolutely incredible.

“Um, what size joke did you get last time you were on?”

You got a pig on. All right. Well, there you go then. Tariq Marala. So everybody's in there.

Phone size making all kinds of different joke books. Small, medium, large, summer black, summer brown, like Tariq.

So things are moving along here.

“But I think we need to shift the momentum.”

I mean, wow. This has been such a poncho, Mario, Robert Carroll, and Tariq. I'm going to say none of them really knocked. Knocked it out of the old fucking. Well, I disagree.

It's been my favorite so far. I was so happy. You're better. I'm going to bring up one of our unbelievable regular ladies and gentlemen to Sage the Room.

He is fucking fantastic.

Makes the noise for the great and powerful.

The dark storm of Atlanta. This is deadric for everybody. Uh, I hate way mo's. And I think on the reason we got these little self-driving as cars and Austin is because there's not enough black people to go.

I hate these little self-driving as cars because they don't, they don't leave a human factor in there. Because if I'm drunk and I'm going home, who's going to wake me up in the way mo's? When you get drunk and you get into an Uber, the Uber driver wake you up.

And they're so, hey sir. You're out your house. You know who wakes you up in a way mo. The tippy police. And Phoenix, Arizona.

That's why I went to sleep in a way mo. And these niggas weren't nice or kind at all. Taking from one example one time,

because I'm a heavy sleeper.

“That's why they was mad at me about waking me up in the way mo.”

Is that it could wake me up for 30 minutes. One lady one time tried to wake me up. She could wake me up. She could wake me up. She took my phone.

Unlocked it with my face and then called my mama. Niggas, I was up. That your Christian out of playing niggas woke up immediately. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I started cleaning because like, because I was a kid.

When I was a kid, if your mama's are whipping your siblings, if you clean it, she's not going to whip your ass too. It's all woke up. Just started doing pushups cleaning and then. She was like, how dare you let it, let it get in, let it get in, let it get in, let it in.

And the next day had to go to the same Uber Lady place and then cut her grass and then wash her car. That's my time. They got some out of that. That's the plan. That's it.

Wait. Two minutes of material tons of punchlines throughout.

“Cleansing the room of the debacle of the past four bucket pulls.”

I'm so sorry. What do you apologize thing for? The book of pulls. Oh, yeah. Exactly.

Great work, Edrick. That really happened, didn't it? Yes. It sounds real. I texted the Instagram the night after that.

I apologize to the TV police. And I was so scared. The whole time was like, when you drunk and they wake you up, you still lying when you wake up. And you're like, oh, I shouldn't have been lying this whole time.

And the whole time I was like, I'll be fine. I'll just call Joe Rogan. That's right. The Phoenix Tempe police love Joe Rogan. They do.

They told me that when they was walking me to the Omni where I was. I just did a sold out show. I felt so bad. I don't know. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Tim and police are the two officers. And I don't know your name. And the Instagram asked me that too. They said, well, officers, I said, Nick, I told you I was drunk.

That's amazing. That is incredible.

I've never really thought about that.

Falling asleep in a way, though, there's no real. I heard that they stir-playing music really loud. I don't know. Slopped through that, too. They don't have good music.

That's what fuck me up. Because I had wind. I was leaving Rochester, New York. And then I had a 5am flight. So I stayed up, went to that flu.

Did two hours in Tempe, Arizona. And I was expecting to see my grandma. My grandma was dying right now. And she lived in Tempe. And so I didn't know until after the show.

So I got drunk. And I started hanging out. And I was starting getting sad. And I said, you know, I'm a leave. And then I got in a waymo.

And the waymo, they have suggestions from music. But none of them are good. What are they? Music that you listen to. Dr. Phil Music vertical horizon.

Sure. I know. I don't play with me, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Tonight is Wayne Mark Twain.

He listens to it all. Sure. Yeah.

“Well, maybe next time I'll fuck around that waymo with him.”

We can go get some fish sticks or something. We're not. Or you can just look at me and say, we'll be right black. You know? That's right.

Oh, don't be mad again. That's terrible. [ Laughter ] Dedric. I love those teeth.

Is there a specific song that would be on a waymo? If you needed music to wake up a black person that fell asleep in a waymo, it is our senior black correspondent. What song would you pick? Two short.

[ Laughter ] How does that go? What two short songs are you? What do you -- it's -- I go on and on.

Can't understand how less or less along.

It's right. I might have to superpowers. That's two hundred-three-themed thousand. That's as long as we can go without the copyright strike. So, we get it.

That nigga, you can bring me out of the grave. That is. [ Laughter ] You played two short, nigga. I'd be bouncing.

I bet they should have a hit's playlist to wake me up. Don't let the -- knocking on a window. That don't mean nothing to me. I'm from Atlanta. We go to sleep the gunshots.

Nigga, that's not. Absolutely. No. Think Poncho, Sancha, listen to two short as well. [ Laughter ]

You -- you live in Atlanta too, don't you? Why? Yeah. I live in America.

Are they using Atlanta for a while?

For two TV? No. [ Laughter ] Hey, Atlanta, this nigga's a liar. [ Laughter ]

That would be a great sketch on in practical jokers. Just you guys going around the streets of Atlanta, telling each other what you say. [ Laughter ] Say hello, my friend.

“Do you have an extra wallet to the guy walking towards you right now?”

No, but I'm about to mother, fuck up. See, I'm playing both roles in Atlanta. [ Laughter ] That's great. Dead trick.

What is one of the more dangerous things you saw in your days in Atlanta? Oh, man. [ Laughter ] Besides my best friend getting shot in front of me, uh, this to a clip.

[ Laughter ] Oh, my goodness. Sorry, we don't have -- All right, I had it. All right. The police don't come that fast in Atlanta right now.

[ Laughter ] Let's go ahead. I saw with my own eyes. This is crazy. Uh, I was at a bar and one dude walked up to another dude

and asked that nigga for a chicken wing. [ Laughter ] And the dude was like, "Or do your own chicken wings?" Because he was like, "Yo, I bet you $25. I can eat your chicken wings faster than you."

[ Laughter ] That doesn't work anywhere. [ Laughter ] He said, "You did but take your poass over there." And in that dude, I swear to God,

“this is the first time I've ever seen this in time.”

I'm like, "He had a sock attached to a snake. It was like, just a snake. What a knot on the end of it." He started swinging around. Like, it was a nunchunk.

[ Laughter ] There was something in the sock. Dude, he was dumb. That nigga was like, "But if you define your wings in Atlanta, that's your honor."

You know what I mean? Like, asking for a nigga hot wing in Atlanta is like asking to fuck somebody wife, right? And I'm saying, like, that shit is -- [ Laughter ]

And this nigga pulled out a gas. He had been waiting. Yeah. A sock with something in it at the end of it. You are slotted rings.

You know what's sound wrong? Came out with that little chain thing. And then they go, "Site." And then he goes, "Puck it up the hill." This was the Lord of the Wings.

[ Laughter ] The Lord of the Wings. So, ladies and gentlemen, that is tonight's fruit by the foot, joking now. [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] Just summarize the two craziest things you saw in Atlanta was your best friend getting gunned down in front of you. Yeah. And someone eating someone else's chicken wing.

Yeah. And pulling out -- Do you know how -- So, there's a string. And then there's a sock that's --

Yeah, it's a hose. And he has it like woven into like a bigger thing. Wow. It looks like a -- it looked like a -- I don't know what you call it,

because I'm not from the medieval times. Right. You know what that is? But that nigga had one of those. He was like, "How dare you?"

Yes. And then did he -- did he -- He had him with that. Oh, boy, did he? Oh, my God.

And then the cop showed up. He said, "This nigga asked me for a wing and the cop said, "We'll take him to jail." [ Laughter ] Oh, dead jerk.

Unbelievable. No asking for wings in Atlanta. No, as you know, they're doing. That's your fucked up. Oh, yeah. That's my new boys and they don't kill me. You know, and that's some weird stuff. What do you say? He's a new man. Oh, my god. That weapon sounds scary. Yeah. Usually pennies, they put pennies in a sock. Yeah. Who's they? Red band? Who's they? You're people's day. Who's they? You're people's day. You're they them. Black people got quarters too. Yeah. I actually talk about that in my book, chapter 35. Black people have quarters. You're local Barnes and Noble. Black people are people too.

Dedric, you rebuilt the momentum in the room. Thank you so much. Everybody. With some tales from the streets, socks on the end of strings and many great things.

“Mama, how do you feel the great love on? Hmm. Is this what? And so creamy?”

Eh? Why can't Papa see me? Nutella. Or from Mama and Father. Nutella is Nutella. It's Nutella. You know what, you're talking about the steuers, also the schoolflash bag. Just relax and then check that out. No, not at all. Like steuers are my safe space. Do you think that's all right? Yeah, exactly. Like steuers are the steuers who just understand. Egalopstudium, job, boda, unzug. Steum, krass, fütchig gar nicht wie steuernan. Steuern el edict? Safe.

Mit wie so steuern. Because my girl was piss.

Period is bad, this is bad food. I had never been the white woman before, but I come fast.

I bus quick. Some people say premature, I like to say right on time. But now as soon as I put in my bus, like instantly, I was like, my bad, I'm sorry, oh my God. She said, "No, Jerome is okay." I said, "That's not my name." But I like the energy though. It's real supportive. It's very supportive. This white woman does change in my life. She fucking me up. She fucking me so good.

I drink IPA's now. I'm real. My homie hit me up. He was like, "You try to go to the club." I was like, "No, you want to go to the brewery?" We play core holy. Listen, she's not your twin. Before we started having sex, she stopped me. She said, "What are your kinks? I don't have any kinks."

So she said she had a praise cane, which words the affirmation good girl should like that. That's not me. I don't think I did it right. I was like, "Ooh." You to go. All right. That's about to have it.

“Tasia! Great set. Fantastic. You've been on this show before?”

What? Yeah. This went better than last time I bet. Tell you. Well, welcome, welcome. How long you been on stand-up? I just hit three years today.

Today's your three year anniversary. How about that? Amazing.

What do you do for work? I'm a licorice. Okay. Yeah. I get a bit of five of you every day and work like 10 hours. Wow. Wow. That's when red band goes to bed. New job, right? Huh? New job? No, no. It's a work at an apple or something like that.

Yeah, no, no. Think you're thinking about what I'm going to say before. The other day. Amazing.

“You ever get hit on when you're doing electrical work at a ladies house?”

No. I do like a industrial shit. Like, uh, okay. Data centers and shit. Okay. It was one time though. It was one time I went to a ladies house as a kindergarten teacher. And she tried to sleep with me and my coworker. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't pull it off.

But, okay. I know, nigga. I'm not happy about it. I'm not happy about it. You work at a data center. Yeah. I want to use. I just get moved around and just move me around. Do you know your data?

[ Laughter ] I'm having a voice. Okay. Your dad's white? Yeah. Yeah. White dad, black mom. They still together? Hey, I'm not.

Now, no. Why do you think that ended? Do you think, why do you think that happened? Do you have brothers and sisters? Yeah. How old were you when they divorced?

They were never married. They were never married.

No. No. I was like, one. But, you know,

I swear to God. Okay. Why does he?

All right. Super white. Okay. And what is your dad do? Uh, he's a rooter. And what is your mom do?

Oh, shit. [ Laughter ] Okay. The documents come in and then -- [ Laughter ]

Ah. Ah. Tages an interesting name. T-A-I-J-A. Does that mean something? T-J. Oh.

T-I-J. T-J. T-J. Your mom is black, aren't you? That's what I call target.

T-I-J. Okay. I bet nobody says that correctly. All right. Right.

Impossible to not slam a piece. Stuff with this spelling. T-J. All right. Dr. Phil.

Yeah. You mentioned the premature ejaculating.

[ Laughter ] When did that begin? And how you -- how you -- how you treating it? 'Cause I would venture to assume not many women receiving that information or fired up, right?

And I know you made me finish. [ Laughter ] So, you're probably real used to hearing, right? [ Laughter ] Now, people right here.

Yep. [ Laughter ] What I mean by that, uh, T-I-J is there -- [ Laughter ]

“Is there -- is there something that you do to compensate, right?”

So, if you're going to get -- if you're going to bust, you're not cornered style, right? Yeah. And the girl still lay in there like it did fish being like, "Well, where's my fucking, you know, come?"

You know, where's my -- however she says it, you know, huh? [ Laughter ] You know, what do you say to make her feel like it's not a waste of time? I got to get out of here, but -- [ Laughter ] Wow.

That's what your white father said. [ Laughter ] Some heads up. You can last longer using Bluetooth Gold. To use the promo code Tony at Bluetooth.com

Get 10% off. That's Bluetooth.com. I love it. That's right. You really are like a union guy.

You just -- you leave before the job is done. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] That is tonight's free-to-lay, joke of the night. [ Laughter ]

Amazing. Tai-J. What else do you do? What do you do for fun? Uh, I don't really have a lot of time.

I just go to work and then I do comedy. Um, man. My brother's gay. Oh, shit. All right.

What's his phone number? [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] Just fucking thrown red me to the panel. Yes, that's for racist.

What does he do for work? What does he do for? Yeah. I think he like a librarian. Some gay show.

Okay. Hell yeah. All right. He's like one. [ Laughter ]

That means he hangs around libraries a lot. [ Laughter ] Homeless. [ Laughter ] Amazing.

Tai-J. Tai-J.

Some interest that he did just bring his boyfriend home for the first time.

Oh, let's talk about that.

“Now, did he brought him home to your black mother to your white father?”

To my white father. Ooh. Okay. How did white dad take that? Well, I mean, you know, he's --

We'll be white dad. [ Laughter ] What -- how -- how did white dad handle that? He -- you know, he very supportive of the shit. He -- he's supportive.

I was mad, though. I was -- I didn't like it. Right. What do you think your black mother would say about? Well, I'm -- I'm -- I'm a -- I'm a -- I got a sister.

She gave. Oh, shit. But she is stupid. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And then my brother, on my dad's side, he like, you know. [ Laughter ] Flamboyant.

Flamboyant. Flamboyant. Okay. I would walk. He's a tiger?

[ Laughter ] He's -- He's a -- He's a -- He's a tiger. Yeah. He's a tiger.

Yeah. He's a tiger, Harry. [ Laughter ] Okay.

“Is your brother's boyfriend a big fat white guy?”

No, no. More like Tony's build. That's right. 164. [ Laughter ]

0.9. But I was mad because that nickel was ugly, right? That -- That's -- Oh. Oh.

That's who pissed you up. Yeah. Because I don't care if you gave. Don't bring no. You like ugly, nigga.

Oh. Yeah. But you got to get healed to the same standard. Yeah. He looked like he bite people.

[ Laughter ] I'm thrilled. He had a fucked up grill. It was bad. Maybe your brother likes to last longer in bed.

And it's easy to do with an ugly person. Thank you. Yes. This is some of my tricks. When I want to last long in bed,

I hook up with an ugly man. [ Laughter ] Okay. This shows out a control. [ Laughter ]

Do you get a big joke, book last time? No. Well, you're getting one tonight, Tai Chi. There you go, buddy.

And it keeps on rolling. [ Cheers and applause ]

“On to the next one is the great Jay Z1 set.”

On to the next one. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Greg McAllen. Everybody, here comes Greg McAllen. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Yo, what's going on? He looks so neat. Yo. Recently, I've been trying to date,

but it's been very hard. You would an Android phone. Because for some reason,

iPhone users always discriminate on me,

based off the color of my text messages. [ Laughter ] You know what I mean? It's always weird. Like, every time I'm in a club,

and I'm trying to talk to a girl, I feel like Martin Luther King. I'm like, I have a dream that one day green messages in blue messages will wait a day come together.

You know what I mean? It was great. Like, I can imagine, I would have like a group of Android supporters behind me leaving the club.

They'll be changing shit like green or blue. We don't care. Let us see you're underwear like... [ Laughter ] She's crazy.

Across the street, you know what I'm saying?

“You will see like the Android supporter.”

I mean, the iPhone supporters. They'll be saying shit like, "Well, if you ain't blue, then you can't come through." Or she'll like that, you know what I mean?

Yeah. [ Laughter ] Oh, shit. [ Laughter ] Oh, shit.

Okay, pretty sure that's a-- This is crazy. That's as closing line there. Great. My couch, guys.

Greg, how you doing?

Is this your first time on the show?

This is my first time on the show. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two and a half years. Telling you about two and a half years.

Yes. I love it. And tie jays your brother. Is that correct? [ Laughter ]

All right. I know you look familiar. Yeah, that was long-lost. Long-lost, you know. That's right.

Great, my cowen. Okay. Two and a half years.

“You've been doing stand-up all here in Austin?”

No, no, originally from Dallas. Okay. What do you do for work? Um... [ Coughs ]

All these people have fake ass jobs now. [ Laughter ] Carlyone employs, aren't you? Wings the last time you had a job. Um...

Last year, the 2025, the last month of 2025. December. Yeah. It took a little minute. That took a little minute.

It's a collection of the get-ins. The last month of 2025. I think 2025 was a December. It landed on December. 2025.

2525? It's 2525. Sometimes it's February.

You never know when the last month's going to be.

Uh... What was the job that you had into December? Uh... Worked in as a customer service ramp. Uh... for like spectrum.

Basically, I was calling people about their bills. Trying to help them out and shit like that. Calling people about their bills. Yeah. Dr. Phil.

Yeah. I've recently been in... too many spectrum debocals. Oh, hello. So maybe uh... maybe we could do a little role play here,

and you could give me some confidence in uh... in the establishment. All right. Up. Your phone's ringing, Dr. Phil.

Hello. Who the fuck is this? It's 10 a.m. You better be on fire. Thank you for calling. Thank you for calling. This is spectrum calling about your bill.

It's been overdue for about three months now. So we're calling because you have Mr. Payments. And we're trying to give you a little... You get to the fucking point. We're basically trying to give you a heads up to let you know that uh...

we'll be knocking some off your bill if we can get clicked right now. Click a little bit right now. You understand? Yeah. Don't talk to me like that.

I don't know what you're saying. First of all, how'd you get this number? I'll start 69 your average. You start 69. We got your number on fire.

We saw that you have been missing a lot of payments or a lot of households apparently you just haven't been paying you. I don't know how you're not paying your bill. Well, it's been a rough. Have you heard of COVID motherfuckers?

Oh, you know what? I got you. I got you. This is what we'll do. Well, if you go ahead and pay 100 right now,

you ain't even got to worry about the bill. Don't even worry about the shit. Alright, let me call my friend, Red Band real quick. See if he can bend me 100 bucks. Oh, Red Band, pick up the phone.

Yes. It would's up to 57. Oh shit. [ Laughter ] You know, I'm just hearing eating.

[ Laughter ] So, so, so, so, so red, so he's the one we got to get. We got to get, we got to get the money from. So, so me and him are against you of this. This is a freeway call.

What is that? I don't have the right now. You need fucking guy. I don't have a call. Tony.

Uh, hello? There's a fourth caller. Sorry, this is how we do things with the bill. [ Laughter ] I know you guys are spectrums.

You can fucking one-on-one this shit. But I got a whole half-court grade to play mother fun. [ Laughter ] You got a hall? You're a play to pick up game at 24-hour fitness.

You know, guys, you show up. Yeah. I'll go ahead, Tony.

Um, this is being basically paying off a lot of people's shit.

Like, just pushing through and shit like that. Just, you know, helping some people out. Okay.

“So, how much money do you have in your checking account right now?”

Right now? Yeah. Fuck. [ Laughter ] Well, uh, just give us a ballpark.

Ballpark, about 10 bucks. 10 bucks. Okay. Solid 10 bucks. When is ranked due?

What's your living situation? Uh, currently, I live at the homeless shelter. That's like right down the street for me. Oh, okay. At orange.

All right. That's good. I love the homeless. Um, beautiful. What's not as sad as having an Android phone.

[ Laughter ] How long have you lived at the shelter? Uh, I've been in Austin for probably like about a month now. So I'm a month. Okay.

Yeah. And how are we going to -- Wait, you move from Dallas. So you had a living situation in Dallas. You're sacrificing it all for stand-up comedy right now.

Okay. How much material do you think you have altogether if you choose to do your longest set? We just saw your Android material tonight. Uh, I would probably say between 10 to 15.

10 to 15. 10 to 15. 10 to 15. Okay. So what can you do?

Like, what kind of job can you be good at? Uh, customer service. Anything sales-resulated. Um, anything just dealing with talking to people is -- What's going to be --

What the fucking test? What was that? [ Laughter ] Feel the test. Why?

Wow, it's strange. Okay. What's that -- what's that from? Antonio, what? Oh, Antonio Brown.

That's right. Okay. That's a deep cut. All right. That happened on this show.

Holy shit. All right. I'm about to -- I'm about to have to hire a brand new keyboard player. Dude, I don't know. Oh, shit.

You got to play football. Come forward. I don't know. I can make some work. I don't know.

I can make some work. I don't know. I'm kidding. He's not going anywhere.

“What sort of food do they serve you at the shelter?”

Shit. Literally. Mmm. Literally. They serve like scrambled eggs.

Very delicious. You know, sometimes they do a little chicken ball anage. You know, some -- sometimes chicken ball anage. Amazing.

I've never even heard of that before.

That sounds like -- Who's on in this show? Well, you notice how you said ball anage, not ball anage. Yeah? It's like the dollar store spaghetti.

Yeah. It's chicken and mayonnaise shaped into a ball. It's -- chicken ball anage. Well, it's real good. It's real good.

It's not bad. Yeah. Food is food at some point. Oh, hell, yeah. Well, how do you make friends there?

You're a pretty -- you know, a charming guy. You know, yeah. Don't mess on people since I've been out here in Austin there. Yeah. Dr. Phil has a great point.

Very rarely do we get to talk to anybody in the flesh about living in the homeless shelter. So kind of take us through what might surprise a normal person. Like, um, shit. Man, where the fuck do I start? So it's kind of like a cock-cold-cold-cold-cold-cold-cold-cold.

Uh, three bullshit meals. If you can call it that, um, occasional fights. You know, a lot of crack-head energy. Mm-hmm. You know, you see people in the corners, sniff and cocaine,

and, you know, but you don't do drugs? No, no, no, I don't do drugs. Okay. I -- I -- I watched him do -- I'm an observer, Tony. I watched him do drugs.

And they do it in such a terrible fashion. But, you know, they do what they do. They do what they do. Um, okay. All right.

Well, um, Greg McAllen. Easy women, right? Like -- Huh? Do you ever get laid at the homeless shelter? Got to laid outside of the homeless shelter.

Yeah, in a bush. Sure. And then, like, yeah, near tree. Oh, okay. You got to find it any way you can get it.

All right. Talk about that in my wheelchair. It's like that crazy. Chapter 47. Pussy's a pussy.

[ Laughter ] Old pussy bush. Depending what year it is. All right. So you have family in Dallas?

Yeah, I have family in Dallas. And -- and -- and did they just not --

“Did they kind of like kick you out and tell you to go do your own thing?”

Or was it a moving to Austin to a homeless shelter your own idea? Uh, no, actually, they didn't kick me out. I just kind of just left on my own. Like, I'm just going to do it, I'm all in for it. How old are you?

29. I just turned 29 on the 31st. Okay. Yeah. The 31st of the last month of the --

Yeah. Of some -- of the month.

The first month of the year.

Yeah. All right. Happy birthday. Appreciate it. Does the shelter do anything?

They give you like a cupcake or something like that? No, no, no. No, nothing at all. No. Damn.

This is also interesting. Uh, fuck. Yeah, well, we don't have any like sales jobs or anything or anything like that. So this is going to be one of the saddest endings to an interview in the history of the show. She's got a job offer.

She raised her hand.

“She definitely -- she's been wasted for two hours.”

That is not the place to find hope, my friend. You think you could sell nachos? I think I could sell nachos. I still -- fuck, I just -- nachos, though. Uh, Greg McHowan, I'll tell you what.

You have a lot of work to do. So here's a big joke book just to fill it up. Just have something. Works comes to work, sell it, double your network. Yeah.

There he goes. Greg McHowan, everybody. There goes Greg. Um, yeah. Let's do that.

Let's go with one of our Golden Ticket winners who's here to pop in. Just visiting Swinging by in town. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Jack Shaw. Everybody, here he is. It's Jack Shaw.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ever since getting on this show, I have never been called autistic more in my entire life.

And when I say autistic, they're saying retarded a lot. And when I say they, I mean my dad. This guy -- he won't stop saying it! [ Laughter ] And I'm just Jewish, man.

I'm just fucking -- [ Laughter ] I mean, I'm so Jewish.

“I have family on both Epstein and Shindler's list.”

There it is. [ Laughter ] You know, I realize there's a lot of similarities between autism and Judaism. Dude, there are, like -- There are, man.

[ Laughter ] Like, I mean, we're both loud. We're prone to nervousness. We're very socially shocked. Not the fuck up, dude.

Okay. No, we're very anxious people. We can be obsessive, but I realize the number one difference between autism and Judaism is that Jews don't like trains. [ Laughter ]

Thank you guys so much. [ Cheers and applause ] Jack Shaw. You people really do come out and just say that you're Jewish. [ Laughter ]

Always wondered what you were.

[ Laughter ] Just kidding. Great fit Simmons. So the last guy worked for Spectrum, and you're all -- [ Laughter ]

Yeah, yeah. It's come full circle. Just like a choo choo train, if you will.

“Jack, I was funnier than you guys gave a credit for.”

[ Laughter ] Oh, hi, Matt. Don't play that, dude. Please. There you go.

There's a little something to cleanse the bones. [ Laughter ] Jack Shaw. How's life been going? Dude, it's been going great.

You know, the last time I was on the show, Joe Rogan told me to do some props. So I bought some fucking props tonight. You had some successful props last time you were on. Is the choo -- let's fucking --

Who's ready for some choo props? [ Cheers and applause ] It's choo props. [ Cheers and applause ] Actually, you don't have to make sense.

This first one is to make your Jewish friends feel comfortable.

[ Laughter ] Wow. Good. [ Cheers and applause ] I love it.

[ Cheers and applause ] Hey, choo props. We're talking choo props. We're talking choo props. We're talking choo props.

My dad really doesn't want me to do this one. But this is a pathetic gas map. Oh, God, dude. Oh, you got it. You got it.

We'll picture it. Yeah, just put it on. Yeah, just put it on. And put a eye on a fuck fuck. Just do it, do it.

Do it like it works. And then put the thing over your head, second. Yeah, man. It says a "hocetic gas map." A "hocetic gas mask."

Everybody there, you go. All right, got it. He said it, not me, by the way. Oh, this one. This is an ancient dick pic, y'all.

[ Laughter ] That's right. That's my dick. Dude, that's -- [ Cheers and applause ]

What sucks, um, uh, if anyone has a pig at home and that pig gets hurt, I have at some oinkman. Oinkman. Wow, that's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. [ Laughter ]

Dude, bro. We're talking Jew props. We're talking Jew props. He's doing the Jew props. Jew props.

Uh-oh. This is a drawing by team madness. I thought that was great. [ Laughter ] I think that's pretty good.

[ Laughter ] It looks great. That's amazing. Great stuff. Good.

This is health insurance for healthcare CEO. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Pull up the fast. All right.

They go in box top. They're not fun. This is, uh, this is Lego Epstein Island, everybody. Oh, this is -- [ Cheers and applause ]

I thought that was going to go so much better. What the -- Jesus Christ. All right.

Well, we have an expansion back with Donald Trump and Bill Clinton. I think -- [ Laughter ] All right.

Trump was never on the island.

But keep going. All right, Clinton was -- I'm talking. Fifty-five times. What's that one?

Stephen Hawking. Yes, he was there. God damn it. That's right. That's right.

That's right. That's right. Jackshaw lives in LA, so they will -- They will never want to go. That Trump was never on Epstein Island.

Just a fun fight. But he was never there. Okay. Well, that didn't go great. [ Laughter ]

It's like cow ball can now. It's a little like carrot stop. [ Laughter ] Dude, that's what I -- I wanted to ask Carrot to --

I was hoping Carrot to have a be here, so I could ask him for some mentorship.

“So, Carrot top, I'll be Carrot bottom right here.”

Whoa! You were ready for that. Yeah. That's amazing. Hey, what do you do on this?

Wow. That's a lot of -- That's a lot of red pews. You can't have it. All right.

I'll trade you. Okay. There you go. You can't use that. You can use that.

[ Laughter ] You can leave it yourself. [ Laughter ] It's like scrunch it down in a fun time. You could just put your whole body into it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it over my head. That's what it is. That's what it is. If it's one full punch, a punch of sunshine.

[ Laughter ] Take your time, sound it up. Punch of sunshine. Punch of sunshine. [ Laughter ]

Jack, it turns out we love good and bad props here. I loved it. Make some noise one more time for Jack Shaw, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] What a hoot.

There he goes. The lovely Jack Shaw. Back to the bucket we go. This name came from the inside. Make some noise for BHC Tommy.

BHC Tommy. [ Cheers and applause ] Last Christmas. A corpus Christi corner was in court for having intercourse with corpses. And they said it was the best sex ever.

Magical even. Ever could ever, if you will.

“Now that's what I call Netflix and chilled.”

There's a burial plot twist. The offenders actually a woman. Thank the Lord for rigor mortise. [ Laughter ] She testified that her favorite movies are die hard and rise of the living dead.

In related news, a local drive by shooting at 12 casualties. That means she was down there gang banging gangbangers. It was crypts and blood everywhere with no regard for human life. Because there wasn't any. She's also facing sexual battery charges.

Literally? Because she had jumper cables hooked up to their nipples. Here's the real shocker. She only got caught because she got pregnant. The dumbass was out there raw dog and zombies,

which she should have been used in the Twilight birth control method. That's when you bang only vampires. And it works because a vampire can't come inside anywhere

without permission first.

[ Laughter ] That's it. Okay. B.H.C. Tommy. [ Applause ]

It was -- there was a lot there. There was -- I mean, there -- that may have been the -- So many -- you had so many attempts. You had so many jokes. And only that one at the end.

I don't know what the 12 people that laughed at that one saw in the vampire thing. Maybe I'm missing it. It's so all can out. I think it's Wayne Greutz who you said you missed all hundred

times that you take. [ Laughter ] No, I appreciate that. You -- I was the most dense minute I've ever seen on this show. Sure.

And you -- what you did was you really touched your wagon to one thing. And so once it -- you know what? When you came out, the setup was -- you got into it so quickly. I almost kind of was a little bit like confused.

Well, it's -- it's part of a bigger set that's not quite a minute. So I just try to -- Is that your thing? Do you just have jokes about like fucking dead corpses and stuff? [ Laughter ]

“Well, I mean, the only thing stiff about my level -- my level of life”

is the competition. There's another one. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh -- B.H.C. Tommy. How long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been chasing this selectively since last February. Okay. Chasing this selectively. What do you want to say? I'm not really doing it.

[ Laughter ] Bro, you are going to make it. [ Laughter ] That's what you guys do when you really want time. You're chasing selected.

[ Laughter ] Yeah. What do you mean by chasing selectively? Oh, take us through your work. So --

So I've been a fan of the show for a couple years. Started chasing the bucket last February. Okay. And chasing the bucket.

So I was like a Judy Bloomberg that never made the cut.

[ Laughter ] She Asian the book. Are you there, God? Yeah. So -- and I saw --

Done some mics and some practicing to get ready for this, because it would be insane to come up here with zero mic. I agree. I agree. And --

And especially if you did that while on mushrooms at the age of 60,

Okay. So B.H.C. Tommy, how are you? I'm old Tony. Oh, get 43. 43.

What do you do for work? I work with Marine Construction. Marine Construction. You mean we build beaches. You build beaches.

Yes. Where is -- It's a thing it's stretching.

So we have a boat that basically has a drag head that sucks up all the material.

Uh-huh. And then we pump it to the beach and the beach. Construction to the beach. Wow. And then red band washes up on it.

That's how you find a red band. [ Laughter ] Okay. Uh-huh. B.H.C. Tommy.

So how long have you been doing that for? Uh, about seven years.

“Anything crazy ever happened when you're out there dredging?”

Yes, but I'm not really allowed to talk about it too much, just because it's government contracting and whatnot. But, uh, I mean, it's kind of like you're a background player. So let me use -- Let me use an answer to get --

We find, like, we find explosives and, like, civil warhead bristles and stuff. And this is mostly off the coast of Texas. Uh, we do do work. You do do? Okay.

And freeport. But, uh, I've worked most -- I've been working mostly in New Jersey. Oh, I can't even imagine when you find a new Jersey. Absolutely. How long have you -- has your hair -- how long has that been -- how long?

Uh-huh. The barber was chasing your head selectively. Yeah. Yeah. And, okay, Dr. Phil.

Oh, shit. There he is. Mr. McGraw. Now, that's a joke because I can't pull it off. So, I'm obviously deflecting and admiring, uh, but also -- Georgian?

Well, when I go to the barber, I just -- I say,

“I say, make it look like Gigi on the side and barbe on the side.”

Well, you're killing it. But it's a real hell long if you had to like that. Probably like 18 months to -- It's a new acquisition. What made you want to go with that?

Um, I mean, I've always had like the Mohawk on the side,

but I haven't had a few plays hockey. And he's got like the flow and the -- the mullet, so we kind of grow it out together. It's cute. Okay.

Why BHC Tommy? What is the BHC me? Um, so BHC is just like been my handle for all my social media, ever since like Halo and some messenger. It's just a nickname of it.

Bang and hot corpses? Sometimes. Oh, fist bump. Hey, I want to play -- I want to play Big Harry Cut. Wow.

Say how you're turned. So, it really stands for Big Hater Company, because I hate on shit all the time. I got to talk shit. Wow.

What are you hate on?

I mean, I'm just a troll in general, like I just --

Oh, Jesus Christ. This fucking broad. I'd be hating Koochi. I think it's what she said. All right.

Uh, BHC comedy. Here's a little joke book from the Great Bones Eye. Uh, keep trying, keep selectively chasing your dreams. There he goes. BHC Tommy.

Some people just -- some people just try. Some people just hope for the best. You have to try. If you don't -- if you're succeed, you know, well, maybe figure -- do something else.

Is that in the book? Checkerful. You should have a bit. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Lorenzo Tyree. Everybody.

So, uh, I don't do one-nightstands anymore. I do two-nightstands. Otherwise, it looks -- you know, makes a bedroom look uneven. [ Laughter ] Yeah, last time I hooked up with the girls on sixth street,

and, uh, you know, she takes me home. I'm super drunk. She's super high, you know. We start mac and it says we walk through the door. And, uh, you know, I -- I go down on her. I don't know why I just -- in the moment, I go down on her.

[ Laughs ] I'm horny. That's why. But um -- Yeah, she stops, you know, I'm like, oh, shit. Is she on her period? No. Like, she trans?

No. [ Laughs ] She told me she had a DUI, or -- That's why I thought I heard, you know.

“And I'm like, why'd you -- why'd you tell me this now?”

You drove us here, then you're gonna tell me that. That's fucking crazy. [ Laughter ] But she tells me, no, no, no. A DUI -- like, DUI -- what the fuck's a DUI?

She has vaginal yeast infection. Oh, yeah, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. I was like, yeah, I'll take the mag you could keep the cheese. [ Laughter ] Thank you, mind, I'm so sorry.

[ Applause ] All right, Lorenzo, Tyree. Lorenzo, even on the show before?

They're time. They're time. They're time.

Yes, certainly. Welcome. Uh, uh, uh, uh -- how was it going, man? Uh, uh -- man, pretty good. I didn't expect it tonight. It was, uh, drinking a picture of that good stuff. Yeah, to kill uh, pineapple's --

Yeah. You had a picture of to kill a pineapple's? [ Laughter ] Yes. Yes.

“Uh, you think that was -- you think that was a good idea?”

[ Laughter ] Yeah, I was like, you know. She'll not. I love being hang out with other comedians. This would be fun. Okay. Wow.

Are you just sick and aren't dead from fresh principally there? [ Laughter ] Uh, I am not. All right. Just making small talk.

Thanks, Dr. Phil. Thanks. It is incredible. Well, yeah, I like your -- I do want to say, you know, the, um, a lot of sexual content tonight, which is fair. It's a relatable topic.

It's something we're all going through and trying to --

Trying to figure out, but uh, you said a second stance.

So you are out there trying to grease the wheels quite often, yeah? Well, uh, it's a simple yes or no question. [ Laughter ] You're in active season. Preseason for what? WNBA?

The fuck are you talking about? You look like -- You look like a -- My way of saying you look like a giant lesbian. Lorenzo.

Thank you. Uh, thank you. You're welcome. Somehow you look like every character from Sesame Street at once.

It is so crazy. Absolutely incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, any stud-likeers out here? It's guys built like a fucking palm tree. Look at this guy.

Oh, my god. To kill a pineapples. Do you ever make jokes about your appearance? Because that is a one way to get the crowd on your side,

right? It should be self-deprecating right out of the gate?

Yeah, I got a couple. Yeah. I missed last season because that was in a Russian prison. [ Laughter ] Shit, that's a -- that's Alaska.

“That's why -- yeah, Alaska's basically a Russian prison.”

All right. Lorenzo, what do you do for living? Mainly work a smoke shop job right now. I also work fireworks in Alaska. You what? I do fireworks out.

You work with fireworks? Yeah. What do you exactly do you do with fireworks? Um, cargo containers come in with full of fireworks. Where are they coming from?

China? Yeah, I think so. You don't know where they're coming from? Well, who else makes fireworks, Tony? I'm asking you.

You're the one that works in the fucking business. Lorenzo? [ Laughter ] Jesus Christ, the attitude on these children nowadays. Fucking people.

Unbelievable. Lorenzo, anything happened interesting in your life since the last time you were on the show? Um, me and my girlfriend separated. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah. [ Laughter ] How long were you with her for? Uh, met her in May of last year, dated her and August to January. Okay.

“You just named a bunch of months and it didn't get a single answer out of you.”

Perfect. What made this separation happen? It would just do our animal fireworks. [ Laughter ] The fireworks went out.

I'll be here for the rest of the evening. [ Laughter ] What made you separate? I just think we were too different, you know, not the evening and the young type either.

What do you mean two different? Isn't she a woman as well? [ Laughter ] Oh. [ Laughter ]

You know, I like working out she really didn't. Um, long term. That's, you know, I need that, you know, future. Um, no. Going out, I didn't.

She like, what? Going out. I didn't like going out. You're a homebody. Uh, kind of.

I go out for mics and stuff like that, but, you know, I like to be up to it often. I go really drawing sometimes. I, it sounds like you do that a lot. [ Laughter ]

If you drink a picture of Tequila Pineapple before the opportunity of a lifetime, I'm pretty sure you might have a drinking problem. Sorry grandma. Um, what?

[ Laughter ] That's as closer. That's why he signs up his sets. Sorry. Uh, that's my time.

Sorry grandma. Yep. Actually not mad about it. It's a little bit better than buckle up. [ Laughter ]

They're in the same department store, though. [ Laughter ] Lorenzo, we're going to keep it moving along. There goes Lorenzo Tire, everybody. There you go.

[ Applause ] You got nothing but little joke books, right? I'm guessing. A little in medium. So, okay, a little medium next time.

[ Music ] Keep it in a moving along. Make some noise for Sion Lazar out of the bucket. Go. You drunk as mother fucker.

Jesus Christ. Sion Lazar. You got him with one of those AMB stores, isn't it?

[ Laughter ] I can't do it. Hold on. [ Laughter ] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You just missed something crazy.

I don't know if you guys heard,

“but Dr. Phil just said he thought it was one of those”

gas station doors. [ Laughter ] He's still there waiting. Let's reset ladies and gentlemen. This is the Kiltowni debut I do believe.

One more time for Sion Lazar, everybody. [ Applause ] [ Applause ] Well, I just came from Shanghai. I'm sorry if some of my humor doesn't land,

but I'm used to talking to people who don't speak English. So if you don't mind, I'm going to talk a little bit about some Chinese problems. If you people think that they don't drive well over here, you should see how they walk.

[ Laughter ] There's this one guy he walked into me about 10 times. It's kind of like those remote cars when they bump into something. [ Speaking foreign language ]

They don't even look up from their phone. They just keep on bouncing into your ass until they just burn out. The other problem is they got a lot of metrosectuals out there. Does anyone know what a metrosectual is? If you don't know what a metros--

[ Laughter ] Calm down, Americans. Calm down.

Stand on your head and calm down.

Like the police say. So put your hands in the ass, stand on your head and calm down. No. Calm down, sir. You need to go, no.

What they do is, in the metro, if you're walking around and you don't know what a metrosectual is, just watch who's bouncing off of the poles. [ Laughter ] All right.

That's Ion. Thank you guys. Lazarus. Sayon, where are you from? I'm originally actually from Texas,

but I live most of my life, Mediterranean. The Mediterranean Sea? In Mediterranean area, yeah, Greece.

“How old were you when you moved to the Mediterranean Sea?”

19th. 19th. And how old are you now? I'm 34. 34.

So... [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. 15 years. Okay, guys.

Jesus.

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I'm just saying.

Is that what you use on the first date?

Yeah, how you've seen two posts.

“If they come at me with you killed God, I'm like,”

"So why you want to fuck with the motherfucker who killed God?" It's pretty badass if you ask me. All right. All right. I'm sorry.

You put it on me. You put it on me. If I killed God, I'm going to put that on my fucking sweatshirt. Here you go. Here's a medium sized joke book.

See you on. Oh, thank you. Sayon, there he goes. Everybody. There he goes.

Thank you. Thank you for the conversation. Those doors will open up automatically. If you just stand up. A lot of handshakes.

All right. There they go. Thank you.

Some more time for sign on everybody.

All right. Okay. We have one last fucking poll. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Laila Engels. Everybody.

We know Laila. She's been on this show before. Hi, guys. Hey, Mothership. It's going to be here.

“I've always had a nervous energy about me, my whole life.”

But a stand-up has helped me a lot. It's been a huge confidence boost. Sometimes after I get off stage now, people come up to me. And they'll be like, "Laila, great set." And that makes me feel good because they're just beatups.

Okay. Six, six, six. A little bit about me. I can't watch Kevin Bacon movies with my dad. He's Muslim.

I have been single now for like 13 or 14 months. I don't remember exactly. I'll have to recount the slits on my wrist. [laughter] It's been 14.

[laughter]

I was with a guy for six years.

And then after six years, he told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come. And I was like, "Well, we can dye your hair." [laughter] Okay. Thank you.

Laila. Engels. Welcome back, Laila. How's it going? It's going good.

It's going good. Are you going to say something else there? No. It's going good. I just wish I had time to finish my joke.

I'm sorry. Did you want to do it? Oh. Just do it. Really?

It's good. Long. How long is it? It'll be no more than 40 seconds. Okay.

There you go. All right. Sure. Let's do it. What do we got to lose at this point, Laila?

Go right ahead. [laughter] He told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come. I was like, "Well, we can dye your hair." [laughter]

I felt like the meow interrupted it. But, you know, I'll be quiet now. [laughter] Okay. Well, there's just something in the air tonight.

All right, Laila. That's one way to do it. Laila. Okay. Welcome.

Welcome back. It's been a while since you've been on this show. It's been about a year, right? I think it's been two years now. There you go.

How's life been going?

“If I remember correctly, you lived in Ohio?”

Yes. Yes. I still kind of live there, but I'm more like a vagabond. Is that what it's called? It's called Vegicil.

Vegicil? Vegicil? [laughter] What do you think? What do you think that means?

I think it's vagicil. I think I meant to say vagabond. Yeah. But I made a sound like vagina and bondage. [laughter]

But it just means I don't have a home. Okay. What's your living situation then? I just, I go where the shows are. So I just travel as many places I can,

doing as many shows as I can, and then when I am in Ohio, I'm staying at my mom's house. So it's-- Shut up.

So where do you stay when you're, say, here? You have, like, friends? I'm at an Airbnb. All right. That's better than 90% of tonight's bucket pull.

So it's fantastic. Where do you get the money to do things like that? Do you have a job? Um, I have, yeah. Yeah.

It's-- That's a yes. You know how only fans does those specials now? Yep. [laughter]

Doctor Phil does. [laughter] I mean, I've heard of-- [laughter] Doctor Phil.

What most days are you gonna pull? [laughter] My stash holding on by a thread over here. [laughter] So, lately you're on only fans.

Yes. Okay. What do you do on only fans?

What types of things do you do?

It's-- One of the panelists, I'm not gonna say who, but they want to know if there's, perhaps, some picks of your feet on there. [laughter] No, I'm actually--

[laughter] I'm not gonna make many names. [laughter] No, I'm really insecure about my feet. Those aren't depicted.

Oh, wow. Makes it hotter. Red band. Red band. Red band.

That is disgusting. [laughter] He said it makes it hotter. Because she's embarrassed about her feet. Greg Tech.

Greg doesn't make it hotter. [laughter] More layers is better. [laughter] Like, I'm gonna ask him those.

Wow. Okay.

“So, Leyla, what exactly are you doing on only fans?”

Um, it started out very wholesome. Um, I-- [laughter] You'd always do. [laughter]

I would post, like, stand-up clips. You know, like, I would just run jokes by only fans. Uh, and then if it was getting, like, laughing faces, and people liked it, I got the confidence to put it on Instagram. Um, but I would just post stand-up clips,

and then be like, "Get your tuts out. If you're not doing anal, we won't listen." Well, you might have to fence. I was drunk when I wrote that. But I--

[laughter] But I did-- It doesn't mean I didn't mean it. But I'll take it back because you're very funny live in the flesh.

[laughter] Really? Thanks. We're the thing to do to workshop your jokes on a porn site. No, I know.

I've always thought it's so weird that only fans wanted to rebrand,

because, you know, like, they want to do, like, a sports channel. Right. They want to get out of the porn business, and they have a cooking channel, because, you know, whenever you want to learn how to marinate a steak,

you go to a porn hub, right? So I think it's--

“Yeah, if you want to make some ball nays, you go to a homeless shelter.”

[laughter] Chicken, ball nays. Delicious. Do you have a QR code or anything like that? [laughter]

It's so is it just your stand-up on only family? It really started that way. Uh-huh. I was getting so discouraged. Every comedy post I would make,

they were just really wanted me to take my clothes off. Uh-huh. And you're surprised by this. I was surprised. I was like, "Oh, it's a comedy only fans."

And I thought-- So what is it now? [laughter]

And to the question, like, "What is it now?"

[laughter] What does it become? Like, "What are you doing right now on there?" [laughter] Speak, just tell us.

[laughter] What are you doing on there right now? If we went on there right now and paid, what would we see? Oh, my God.

[laughter] You really-- What is it? What is it evolved to? It--so now I have taken my clothes off.

I haven't spread anything though.

“It doesn't--the flower hasn't blossomed.”

Okay. I'm so uncomfortable. Why? It's your life. You're the one on it.

You're actually about to make vast sums of money. Now that you're talking about your only fans on the show. [cheers and applause] I know. I am extremely blessed.

It's the reason I can afford to go places and get Airbnb's and not have to sleep on couches every night. So I am very blessed, but I'm just not like a real sexy energy. Are you sure? A red band.

Red band. You can't ask female comedians questions like that. We're giving these people the opportunity of a lifetime in this show is built to give people a chance to live their dreams.

Are you sure? I'm kidding. I'm joking. It's a thing we do. Anyway.

They have requested that I keep a bush. Wow. Look at that. Who's that? Who's that?

[laughter] The cast of fucking space jam? [laughter] I feel like it's going to be you in sale after this. [laughter]

Well, I'm badly married, but I appreciate the thought. I do like your sweater. Let me ask you this. Do they ask you something so weird that you're like, I can't even do that.

Or is it all pretty hunky dory? Um, yeah, I mean, I have gotten requested to like, if I could like jerk off a dildo with my feet and stuff. Yeah. And I'm like, it doesn't even have skin to move.

Oh my god. Again, when I wrote that, I thought that I was being playful and jovial. Jovial. Jovial's the word.

Looking for you. But you know, take 100% of the shots. You know, what does it grisky? [laughter] You missed 100% of the shots.

We're moving on, too. Yes. [laughter] So you were like, on only events and you were like, oh, you know, I have to check and see the 13 to 14.

I have to check my wrists and they were like, jerk off a dildo with your feet. [laughter] Yeah, yes. No, it's for real.

When I was contracted with only fans,

And so then it would just be me talking about like,

“how comedy's going in my life in them one day?”

I was kind of saddened. I was like, guys, I'm kind of sad today. And then they're like, so do you do customs? [laughter] And it's just, it's a lot, they don't give a fuck.

It's a joke to try to do anything other than sex stuff on only fans. They're not going to have me back after this. I think you're going to be just fine. It's great.

I think you've up the 80. You said you haven't spread your wings. And then you said, yet, is there a date? We're all looking forward to? [laughter]

So be safe. [laughter] I don't want to say, like, I don't want to say,

I'll never do anything because I've already

don't pay more than I ever thought I would. Like what? [laughter] We know what you haven't done. You haven't spread it.

Yeah. But what have you done? What could someone, let's say, one of the millions of people watching this? What have you done?

It's a fair question. Let me remind you, you could have gotten a fucking job like everybody else did. But you wanted to take the easiest possible route, which is posting clips of your stand-up on only fans.

You've signed a deal, and things got a little wild after you started reading what people were writing you. Yeah. So what's the most extreme thing you've done? Oh, my God.

It's really not bad.

“It's a-- I was just wearing a nice dress, you know?”

It's a fully nice dress, much like the ladies here. Slow. And I was-- [laughter]

And then pay any attention to the fucking weeble.

Yeah. [laughter] Go ahead. I rolled a blanket on my bed, kind of bending over. Okay.

And then once the blanket was rolled, I put a big jacket on. And I went outside to smoke it, because it was cold outside. And then I went back in my room, and then I took the jacket off. And then I took everything off. You've been a blunder.

And then-- And then-- And then I kind of just rolled around on my bed. Like, oh, does this look sexy? And then--

This was a stand-up. Oh, this was-- [laughter] How much do people throw it to you for that? Because that's-- I mean, good on you, by the way.

You know, people want to pay it. And, you know, you got to give it, you know, it's-- [laughter] But I support taking advantage of purverts, you know? Yeah.

So good on--

Well, yeah, I mean, it's literally the reason why I'm able to like get better

at stand-up and stuff. Right. I can wake up and write, and then hit mics every night. Do shows as much as I can. And like, don't have to worry about money.

So I'm using it to chase my passion. And you just have to go live twice a month. Is that the-- That was-- When I was on the contract.

I'm not on the contract anymore. So I can post as little or as much as I want. How often is that? Right now, I probably-- I post like twice a month. Okay.

All right. You just-- it ranges from like 30 to 35 for-- Post-- you're nodding. Are you on there? I'm scared.

[laughter]

“Um, so, do you have like an only fan's name or is it your name?”

It's-- it's me. It's-- my name, yeah. Wow. No alias. Right?

Yeah. So those of you watching the show that's L-E-Y-L-A. I-N-G-A-L-L-S. We're trying to-- we're trying to get you some money. I appreciate it.

Yeah. It is a minefuck to me because for about a year now, I've been in the top 0.51% of all content creators on only fans. Wow. And it freaks me out because it's like me and then the top porn stars.

And they like, are doing anal and stuff. [laughter] Well, that's overrated. You don't get there. [laughter]

We support small business here too. Red band. Getting awfully chatty on this bucket pool. [laughter] You're going to invite her to this secret show

where you're going to pretend like you're shy about it. I already know from her only fan bot that she's out of town Thursday. So, next time. That's real? I am out of town on Thursday.

[laughter] Oh, my god. Well, hey, I've got-- I've got an idea. Oh, Dr. Phil. A good friend of mine, Adam Ray, Jew.

[laughter] It's going to be here, headlining the mothership this weekend. You want to do a guest bottom one of the shows? Oh, my god, I would love-- There you go.

Wow. Look at that. [music playing] Wait a minute. Angles.

Wait, she just said she's not in town. I didn't tell him. That bot doesn't lie. Well, what day? March 31st, 2039.

No, this February 6th or 7th. That's this weekend. Is it Friday's Saturday? Yeah. Okay, well, I was going to-- I'm in just in Houston on Thursday.

I'm cool headlining the riot, but I will come back and be here.

Message in. Thank you. Thank you. [applause] Wow.

Dr. Phil's going to get a little Instagram DM tonight.

I hope it goes to the actual Dr. Phil. Okay. [laughing] What is this girl? Robin O'Swear.

I don't know the woman in the sweater. You know how I'm allergic to wool? [laughing] Layle up on times. There she goes.

Layle angles, everybody. [applause] What an episode. We started with William Montgomery. We had the great-edric Flynn.

Ari Maddie is an Estonia being the celebrity, biggest celebrity in the history of his country. So you must be asking yourself,

how do you close an episode that starts with William Montgomery

“has three of the funniest comedians in the world on the panel?”

And I think there's only one option. This young buck came on this show. We won a golden ticket, and then took over. Just complete full control. It came one of the most intimidating forces in the history

of the show so much so that I let him do whatever he wants. It's been a while since he's been on ladies and gentlemen. This is the long-awaited return of the one and only Timmy Nopres. [applause] Alright.

Big pop in the beginning, listen. A lot of people have been saying, Timmy Nopres, this Timmy Nopres that I know. I can write jokes. So I wrote a few jokes for you guys.

I have a lot of nervous energy. But stand up has given me a lot of confidence. [laughter] Because sometimes after I get off stage, people come up to me and say, "Great set."

And that makes me feel good because they're just beatups. [laughter] [laughter] He's in none the one.

“Sam J. Ladies and gentlemen, she's a black ledgebow,”

which means she doesn't eat pussy. She all hell nudge on it. [laughter] Relinquish my time. Wow, what the fuck?

Wow. What's up, gay guys? How are we doing, everybody? Good? Timmy, mother fucking no breaks. Absolutely incredible.

Oh, thank you. That I recognize some of that material. Well, yet, Tony, it was a cover. I mean, what you talking about? In music, we do covers. I do a lot of music now, and that's just a comedian.

So it's totally normal to do covers. The number one comedy album on iTunes. I am the, well, yeah. Number one comedy album on iTunes. But if you have a night-pud shuffle,

you're probably bumping that shit all the time. I bet you love my shit. Yep.

“Make some noise from my fucking album, you re-con.”

There he is. No mercy, no breaks. The only person that we should actually buckle up for. That's probably a great, I totally agree with that. Thank you.

Timmy, unbelievable. Oh, look at this, guys. Is this Dr. Phil? Yeah, so a player. Hey.

Timmy, good to see you. Let's go to see you, too. What kind of doctor are you? That's a personal question. But if you follow me on Facebook,

I'll give you a couple of responses. It might direct you towards what I have been practicing for quite some time, Timmy. But originally it was a psychotherapy, and then just social works of just kind of a lot of parenting.

Oh, see you're not a gynecologist? You're fucking gay. That's fucking gay. A little fun fact. That's your guy way bigger pop.

What the fuck is going on? I call him gay. I have seen a couple of the gyna's. Your wife, right? Is she out of your wife or wife?

You know, every fourth of July, we try to spice things up. She brings her friend over. Usually somebody I follow on only fans. Anyway, what else is going on, Tom? I was just going to say a little fun fact

for you, Kill Tony, die hard fans out there.

This is the first time in which Timmy no breaks

and Dr. Phil, or any form of Dr. Phil,

This is quite the eclipse. Very good. Yeah.

“Like the traveling will berries or something like that.”

Two all-time grades.

All of a sudden, wait a second.

What is that? Well, you're talking, I mean, it grills. I'm doing, I'm doing good, Tom. You have a grill now, too? Yeah, I'm making money, I'm doing good.

I got a fucking, I got a fucking entourage now. It's pretty good. You want to meet him? Yeah. Yeah, guys, come on up.

You have an entourage? I got a fucking entourage. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my god. Yeah.

Oh, my god. Yeah. Oh, my god. Yeah. Oh, my god.

Yeah. Oh. Oh.

Give it up for my fucking entourage.

Okay. This is the dainty. He's my weed roller. This is the sweet won't. He yells at wait is for me.

This is my driver. I don't know who the fuck that guy is. But I mean-- Johnny drama. Everyone's black except for that one.

No, he's black. That it-- This is a black man. We can't even talk him out. That Asian guy?

Yeah. What does he do? Teaching, lish, and Atlanta? [ Laughter ] Did that call back?

That's it. I don't know what that was. Yeah.

“Well, anyways, we wanted to do a quick rap if that's okay.”

Oh, okay. I wanted guys to hold on from Anthony the music, but I'm just going to start with a little bit of our capoele show. Here we go. OK.

Occupella. Timmy no breaks. Who is obviously black now? Oh. We've brought his own microphone.

Is that-- Is that-- Shut the fuck up. I told you. [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] Holy shit. I sound like Morgan J. And Tony's really, really.

Migger. What the fuck? What the fuck was it? Get the fuck it. You're fine.

Get the fuck out of here, guys. Tom, sorry. That's crazy.

There's--you never can say the M with Tom.

But she's just crying. That was intense. [ Laughter ] I thought that was hilarious. [ Laughter ]

Well, now I don't have an entourage. You need a fucking entourage. He wants to be a part of my entourage. [ Cheers and applause ] This guy, that black guy right there.

All right. I'm coming over there. Sorry, Tom. I gotta head over there. Give me a sec.

Hey, John D's. Play the keys. There's no black guy over there. Can't be with his spotlight. [ Cheers and applause ]

Take a look at those keys, John. [ Cheers and applause ] This guy is not fucking black. [ Laughter ] This guy's not black.

“I can't see everybody looks fucking black, all right?”

[ Laughter ] Look, you still want to be in my entourage. Yes, I do. Okay, let's see if you can think on your feet. Do you think we should get from the police?

No, we should it. [ Cheers and applause ] Let's get the camera to come in here. Focus on his words. [ Cheers and applause ]

And for the crowdwork clip, I want you to say yes. Please, man, can you stand right here? [ Laughter ] Now, do you think we should get from the police?

No, I'm good. [ Laughter ] Can you sing them as veranda rides? [ Laughter ] I'd have to read it off a card because I didn't go to college.

[ Laughter ] You can be in my entourage. Shoot this guy in the fucking face. Where else do we go? Who wants to be in my entourage?

Let me ask you. Let me ask you. Let me ask you. Do you think I should have shot those people? [ Cheers and applause ]

Fuck no. You can't be in my entourage. You can't be in my entourage. You can't be in my entourage. You can't be in my entourage.

Not if I had to rush. By the way, if you don't want me to interact with you, just lay down on the ground face down.

Okay, this guy's face shot.

Let me ask you a question. Do you know how to read? No, I don't. Fuckin' read the heart. Who knows how to read?

This guy, this guy knows how to read. Can you read this? To be stand on the other side of themselves. That's frame properly. [ Laughter ]

Push it, get on his face.

Thanks for the suggestion. [ Cheers and applause ] Here we go. Reading. I have no gun.

No seriously. I have a gun, it's in my right pocket. I was able to sneak it in, because I 3D printed it. A law is a true gun. I found the person from my entourage.

This guy's in my entourage.

We have another eyes from your tone.

“Now, the only way that we can possibly wrap up a show is with a song.”

And the only person that can sing a song with timin' no breaks is rabbit just fucking kidding. It's Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil, hit it. I want to be in your untourage. What do I have to do?

I'll take you there to the airport. I'll leave it wipe your butt after you poo. Well, you're not a guy, good collegeist. But if it's between you and this old newspaper boy, I choose you. I choose you, you're just me.

I choose you. Tell me, sir. Who is you? Tell me, mother fucking no breaks ladies and gentlemen. What can I say?

He gets to do whatever he wants. He's earned it. By the way, that guy said he has a gun. Are we just gonna skimp over that? Okay, Shader, head your back.

You're pushing your person. One more time for timin' no breaks ladies and gentlemen. And how about his onto our Dr. Phil everybody?

“Who is proudly endorsing who is he at a brave theater tour?”

Get tickets at Adam Rake comedy, Doc Tommy's going to Australia, Canada, and all around America. One more time for Dr. Phil. And one more time for the great great fit simins, ladies and gentlemen. Going to Philly, Lexington, Houston, all around, fits dog radio that's F-I-T-Z-Dog. Our fit's dog, Doc Comfort tickets.

And one more time for the great Salvo, Cano everybody. He's going to Nashville, Tennessee. Doing the rhymein', Salvo canocomedy.com is podcastmanooosh, and new episodes of The Embradual Joker's Every Thursday on TBS. We're going to the Intuit dome in Los Angeles, California.

A large state of the art arena to make our return back to where Kiltowni started in LA. How exciting is that?

“How about one more time for the best stand band in the land?”

Red band. We love you guys, but times tonight, you guys have a good time. Thank you, we love you, good night everybody. (upbeat music)

♪ She's wide awake and for whiskey ♪

♪ Audit, Audit, Audit ♪ (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO] [BLANK_AUDIO]