#756 - JIM NORTON + IAN FIDANCE

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“You guys ready to start this fucking show, or what?”

Three single week, I booked two of the funniest comedians in the world. This is the return of two of our favorite guests of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, makes a noise for two of the best standups work in a day. Jim Norton and Ian Fightants, everybody. Oh yeah.

Ian Fightants, the great Jim Norton, look down. Woo! Oh, absolutely perfect, Jim Norton's special, unconceivable, is on YouTube as podcasts can't save you as available everywhere, Jim. Welcome back.

Thanks, Tony. Thanks for a nice applause from your audience. That was really... Yeah, you're encouraging. Yeah.

Yeah. They love you. They love you. Ian Fightants is back, everybody. It's got a new travel show called Ian Boo, an odd guy doing odd jobs at youtube.com/anfightancecomedy.

Ian Fightants.com for touring. Jim Norton, comedy, to watch his special, unconceivable on YouTube. If you haven't watched it, I highly recommend watching it right after this after this episode. You guys have both done the show multiple multiple times before, very exciting stuff. You guys know how it works about 300 insane people, sometimes it's a calm person.

It's just ready to absolutely make the most of the opportunity that they're given. I pulled their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. Another time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them if they go over their time, and then I conduct an interview

with them. We find out more about them. Absolutely. Anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Normally, this is how you end in episode, but tonight, this is how you start in episode

“with a Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances all time on the show, the most”

interviews. Tonight, we get started with a man that some people call the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the San Antonio's service assistant. This is the big red machine William Montgomery. As you'll see, the email where Jeffrey Epstein's assistant asked him if they should invite

Brian Reichel to the next big island party. Epstein replied, "Hell no, red man might frighten the kids." In Orlando, man was arrested for indecent exposure after neighbor saw him having sex with a vacuum cleaner when asked to comment on his arrest, the man said, "My balls are gone." I got banned from antiques road show for issuing death threats after they were refused

to appraise my vintage-bong collection. The ice catcher is called to pink ivory, you pompous prick! I read where Apex2 and now had more monthly listeners on YouTube than Taylor Swift.

Finally, question is, which twin is it?

Okay, that's my time, Tony. William Montgomery, getting us started. I did not see red bands name on the Epstein list, that's all news to me. Yes, he was on there, you got to really dig through it. A lot of people might have looked up Brian Redby and now look up Brian Reichel, stuff

starts popping up when you exit, put his actual name in Brian Reichel. Wow! Yes, look at that. Now you guys have seen William before? Sure.

This is him starting the episode, it's a real jolt of the system. And did you all know, Brian? I don't know if y'all people probably saw pictures, but they had that weird kind of trap door into the ocean that was actually Brian Reichel's idea, according, because they would get rid of all the little girls after they killed them and then put them in the ocean

through that trap door. And that was Brian Reichel's idea, I think that was an interesting idea, Brian. Wow. Well, it's easy to make fun of Jeff Epstein, but there really are two sides to every story. That is so true, it is so true.

Now you are still obsessed with Apex2 and William Montgomery. And that's still been listening to a bunch of Apex2 and play my vampire survivors game on the Nintendo Switch 2. I've been playing that up and doing the Roam Machine, and please come see me on the road. I'm now dealing with something from the company called Cops, where it's just I see

a bunch of people out there and I'm thinking, "Oh my gosh, this will be great." And then it's 5,000 of them are Cops and free, so please come see me on the road. Right. It turns into this big nightmare.

I'd never had to deal with that before, don't you?

You've probably been dealing with it, you just found out about it. Yeah, maybe it just looks like you've ever had happened.

“You should tap into Red Band and get access to Epstein's email list.”

I know, do more tickets. I need to. What would you all do, Red Band? Would you all put weights on the little girls when you'll put them in the ocean? Because that's what I did not understand.

I think you put a body through the fucking floor of the house or whatever. It goes into the ocean. Would you put weights on the bodies or how'd you do it? I don't know. I have people doing that kind of stuff for me.

Oh, yeah. He doesn't do that. The people in the Illuminati, they just watch the show. Yeah.

He would pull his back out or something and lift it up those little bodies.

I know. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. If you soak the diapers, it does weigh them down. Ah, look at that.

Indeed, pull ups can turn into pull downs real quick. That is amazing. Jim Norton knows this stuff. I should have known if there was anybody that specializes in drowning babies and would be you.

Oh, everybody's there. Jeff, I've seen Jeff. Yeah. I'm just not a bad guy. God knows that.

A party. I love it. William, you also mentioned your bond collection during this set. I love the word's bond collection written down here. What kind of bonds do you have?

Yes, sir. How many bonds do you have? I have. My favorite is a purple abalone bond. It has some little diamonds looking things.

I think swavarsky crystals on it. I think that's probably my favorite. I want with the swavarsky crystals. I also have this really nice tangerine. I think it's a, I don't know what kind of rocket is, but it's a nice tangerine when

I also have one that was a little amethyst. It looks like a little mushroom. Amethyst. That's a really good one. I know.

What do you like to do after you smoke bonds? Shit, Tony. Well, I need to be careful because I have all the plaque in my carotid artery now, which is very scary.

“That's why I've been doing the row machine.”

But I've been eating a bunch of vanilla ice cream again. And I just eat it with chocolate chips. I get the little chocolate chips in the freezer. The mini ones. And I just put it all over the ice cream.

And I just eat that.

Really enjoy it. And now I just eat bites of the ice cream with the chocolate things on them. So I've been picking out big time, Tony. That's why I have to do the row machine. I feel like if I'm rowing 20,000 meters in a day, I'm allowed to eat a bunch of ice

cream at night. So I don't know what's real. Yeah. He is a wild boy. It's a wild way to start the show because William is kind of like a mythical creature.

He's almost, almost all of it is untrue, but it's very entertaining. Normally on this show, I implore people, you know, talk about your real life, talk about the truth. William is one of the extremely rare exceptions. Yeah.

“Real life is way too depressing, so are you going to take that, William?”

It has been holding back the whole time and then he drops a bomb out of it. Yeah, no. He's kind of right. So no. He's a little, a little right on this, but it's okay.

I'm working on it.

Well, William, you're super amazing.

You're super silly. Everybody loves you and it's a great way to start the damn show. So nice to be here, Tony. Is there anything you're passionate about this week? Just have fun with the fucking vanilla ice cream today!

Love it! William, the ice out Montgomery has struck again and now we rotate over to the mystical bucket of destiny. We're absolutely anything can happen. This is where we meet people.

This is where the crazy shit happens. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Zachariah Tourettes. Tip it. Here we go.

What's good, everybody? So, my name is Zachariah. Tip it. I have this cool thing called Tourettes Syndrome. And tonight, fuck, y'all need to know that children are mean.

Fuck.

“Are you saying Tourettes Syndrome as sort of a superpower?”

Fuck. And then one kid stood up and yelled, "What, what makes you think you'd be a superhero?" Fuck. You can't even win a game of hide and seek. Fuck.

They emailed it on me. Fuck. So, after a few triple-h moves later, fuck. I'm no longer allowed to be a motivational speaker. Fuck.

Now, I'm a Walmart Greater. Fuck. Welcome. Fuck you. Fuck.

Thank you, everybody. Fuck. Yeah. And, six, fifty seconds of Zachariah Tourettes tip it to start our bucket pulls tonight. Welcome to the show Zachariah.

How long have you been to in stand-up? Talking to that mic right there. I've been doing stand-up since October, 2021. 2021. Have you been on the show before?

I have. I think about three or four times. Okay. I somehow don't remember you. You had Tourettes then, too?

Yep. Still disabled. Wow. Amazing. Do the words ever change?

Yes, they do.

The first time I actually ever came on, you were really excited.

We talked about the time I yelled the inward. Fuck. Oh, I loved that. I'm from St. Louis, so. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah. I guess they have to give you the pass, right? Gold card, baby. But you've had to explain with black people were around when you did that, when you said the inward, just talking about saying the inward kind of make your Tourettes.

Want to say the inward right now? What letter comes after, "M"? So wait a minute. So if I tell people I have Tourettes, I can watch a football game at a barric. I got an R-word test several times.

Wow.

“So, yeah, so were there black people around when you dropped the outward in St. Louis?”

Oh, yeah. I got beat up a lot, and then one day our principal showed us some movie front of the class, which is about a teacher with Tourettes syndrome. And then everyone went, oh, he's not racist, he's just a, you know, a little disabled. Fuck.

Amazing. Let's be great for dating, though. If you meet a girl, do you want to fuck? Go eat. You're getting it right out of the way.

You'd be surprised, but moms love this. Amazing. So give us another example of a time in which your Tourettes has caused a wild situation for you. I yelled a four-letter word.

My first time flying at a airport that rhymes with "Mom."

Wait, what? "Mom?" Oh, shit. So it's kind of like, is it kind of like whatever you shouldn't say in that situation, kind

In a nutshell, there's a lot more to it's planning, but we don't have the time for that.

Right. So if you're eating a pussy, and it really smells, and you yell roses, she knows her pussy stinks. No, I just go with the ass and say, "You're next." Oh, hell yeah. Y'all, mom man.

Fuck, yeah. Maybe eat that ass. Hell yeah. Fuck, lick, lick. You'll go anywhere.

I love it. So, you have a job? What do you do for work? How do you make money? I actually do content creating full-time talk, YouTube, etc.

And then I have a part-time we can job at Chili's. Really? Which location is this chili? Oh, my God. There's going to be a line around the fucking block for people to go to.

Fuck Chili's. Flap to find out next episode. They didn't pay me to advertise this. Okay. Okay.

They will retroactively give you money. That, I swear to God, that Chili's will be out of control. It's here in Austin. San Antonio. Okay.

Everyone is going to go to every Chili's in San Antonio until we figure what the fuck is going on. I absolutely love this. Obviously, you have this when you're serving customers. So, for example, let's say there's Asian customers. Is there any chance that the Asian Sea word comes to the front of your brain?

Actually, it puts on the reason why you have to wait 20 minutes. She's like flipped your food off. Oh, man. As you're not working front of house. No.

Damn.

“That's what I think that's what everybody wanted.”

That's what everybody pictured. What if we pay you extra? No offense, but I don't want you to make it my food either. Yeah. But you're back, baby.

But now you can know that bar now. God, it's amazing. How long have you been cooking at Chili's? I've been there probably about a year. Yeah.

Okay. So, do you get a little, do you, it's physical too, right? You get a little twitchy. You do. Yep, doing the worm.

So, sometimes you literally probably do like mess up cooking and then you have to restart and stuff up. Yes. Okay. What are your hobbies?

What do you do for fun when you're not cooking or doing stand-up comedy? Mostly, I... Oh, yeah. That's... Hell yeah, from the moment.

Fuck. Yep, that makes... Fuck you. That makes five of us. We all like the fuck.

And secondly, I mostly just made content at home. I don't usually untit talk a lot about answering... Fuck. Questions about that.

You really do pair the tick and tick time. Yeah, exactly. Amazing. Respectfully. This is incredible.

Word. Yeah. Do you have words that cover up other words? Like, I've heard a guy's with Tourette's. Like, when they want to, they like nickels, nickels.

And there's other replacement words that you train yourself. Um, so that is sort of a... Manipulation you can do. Um, mine wasn't a verbal, mine was a...

“So that's why you kind of see half of my face doing that instead of full.”

Uh... It's driving like that's a game. Yeah. Yeah.

You always look like you're flirting.

Yeah. Winking and saying, fuck. Can be taken... You're in a rest area? That's incredible.

So I wear the shirt so that's... That's smart. That is very smart. Let people know. Yeah.

Let those people... Humans. Yes. Of all colors and sizes. Everyone.

Um, when you're... You were a baby. Uh, did you do like baby words? Like, how about you, sir? Something like that, instead of...

Fuck, fuck. No, mine been developed until around eight years old. Fuck. Was there something that happened to you around that time in which this happens? Uh-huh.

“You're on your uncle's lap perhaps or something like that?”

No, um, tits just normally develop between five to ten years old. God. Got it. Very, very interesting. And have you...

These are like meet-up groups. Is there a place where a bunch of people with Tourette's get together? Because I want to go. Tourette's con. I want to go real bad.

Tourette's con. Blending. Really? Yep. Imagine 500 people doing this.

Oh, my God. And have you been to that before? I have not. It's mostly in the U.K., but they just started doing it over here in Tutsis and Dallas.

And I think last year was the first...

Hundreds of you together taking sounding like little minions together. We congregate. Are there guys in your, even in your group? Like, why, this guy's a fucking asshole. Mostly the U.K. people have more of the verbal light sentences.

Like something random.

Oh, I just have the one verbal tit.

So my insight, mid tier, did say lucky. Yeah. In a sense, they have the cooler Tourette's to me, but I'll settle. I loved that. And so...

So they have meet-up groups and there's one in Dallas. And why did you not go to that? It seems like, you know, as a tick-talking ticker that you would be there. It's more, it's not free to go to. So it is kind of like, it's expensive.

So that was the only reason why I couldn't go there. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Yeah, you have to fuck you money to be able to do it.”

How much, I'm just curious, how much does it cost to go to Tourette's account? It's a few hundred to go there. And plus, that's not including like travel and stuff. It's a Tourette's account job. Yeah, dude.

That is just Comic-Con for Disabled People. Do they have a non-Terex person make the reservation? That's above my disabled level to know. 'Cause I imagine that hotel wouldn't really, you know. No.

Are they like, do you guys like fuck? With each other? Because I imagine like finding someone is hard. So if you link up with like a hot Tourette's check, that must just be like...

Oh yeah, we both drink red bulls and we're vibrators. What's dating like? I mean, can you take us through it like it? Um, it's mostly, I just, just like everyone else, just a little bit louder and so fuck.

That's about that's basically the best generic answer I know.

Are you like Amy Polar and Doose Bigelow? What is she like in that movie? That's been 29 years. So you'll have to catch the people up there. What did you watch it today?

Rob Schneider. Yeah, it's been a while. What does her character do? When she, uh, she takes her to a baseball game, so her Tourette helps her like heckle the other team.

Ah, got it, got it, got it. I can't be the only one that likes job, you know. Hey, um, she likes Stella and Street Card name designer. Here's a big joke book coming out. Yeah, boom.

There goes Zachariah Tourette's tip. Tourette is in the name. So if you're wondering why eight minutes of the interview had to do with Tourette's, it's in his name. There's the lovely Heidi everybody.

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Happy new year, everybody. Since it's a new year, I decided to make new rules for myself. My newest rule is I decided I'm going to stop dating women with cats. Yeah, it's tough because I don't know if y'all knew this, but women with cats are the biggest holes out there. And it's so easy to keep a cat woman happy because she's already used to somebody in her house that doesn't love her.

Like my ex used to have a cat in this weird, because I'm trying to be a good guy, but clearly she loves abuse. Because like every time she would feed her cat, her cat would just beat her ass. I'm like, "God damn." And I'm jealous. I'm like, "Damn, I won't hurt a cook for me.

So I figured if I want some food, I gotta keep it even with the cat." I didn't hit her. But, um, what I did do was gaslight her. Not she'd over from time to time. And it's not for the best reason.

Not because I hate cats, not because I hate cat. Women, I'm just allergic. Yeah. And, um, I don't think women respect how hard it is to have sex on Benadriel. That's my time y'all.

Quentin Jones. Quentin Jones. Welcome Quentin. This is your first time on the show. No, that's my second time.

Second time. Second time, I'm up here. Welcome back. Tell people what I want to do. I don't know.

I've never taken Benadriel.

Because you get sleepy. Oh, okay. Yeah.

“So it's like you own the clock when you take that Benadriel.”

You know what I'm saying? So literally once I'm miles with my eggs and, you know, I took the Benadriel and just kicked in, like, too soon. You fell asleep on top of her. No, inner crots, even worse.

Wow. Yeah. So I woke up and she was gone. It was just her cat looking me in the face. Got it.

Amazing. Yeah, man. Amazing. Jim Norton? I was so happy when they said your name.

I was like, "Oh, no. Questlove has AIDS." [laughter] Damn it.

I had a feeling that was going to bomb.

Not as bad as my dude's big a low line. No, but at least yours wasn't topical. Why was topical? Quentin, uh, how old are you? 34.

34. How long have you been going to stand up? I've been doing stand up seven years. Seven years. And how do you make money?

How do I make money? I don't at the moment. [laughter] How are you surviving? Um, so I used to work in tech last time we talked about me working in tech.

But since I got, uh, laid off. So I'm just leaving off a savings and... How much do you have saved exactly? [laughter] The question I'd love to ask on the show.

In fact, I don't ask it enough.

“This is the only show I think in all of entertainment where that question ever gets asked.”

And I find it to be the most compelling goddamn question out there. Because everybody can relate. Somebody hates, no wonder you. How much do you think I have, Tony? I would guess $7,000.

$7,000. Okay. Double it. Okay. You have about 14k saved up.

14k. 14k. I love it. So give us an example of, you know, your seven years in a comedy. There's a lot of ways to, you know, save money and be thrifty.

Yeah. Let's have a little segment called Get in thrifty with Quintin Jones. Get in thrifty with Quintin Jones. How many? How are you extending your money?

How do I extend my money? Um, so the funniest way right now is, uh, I eat less. Oh, look at that. You hear this right there, Joe? [laughter]

Yeah. So, uh, since being unemployed, I've actually lost 50 pounds. Oh, very nice. Wow. I wonder what happened after you left the roots.

Yeah. [laughter] I had to do the old facts about Quintin the four. Those didn't make no insurance anymore. Yeah.

But, um, yeah. I know this whenever I say I lose 50 pounds. People don't clap. And I know why. It's because I used to be over 300 pounds.

And when you're over 300 pounds, it lose 50 pounds. It just looks like you took one good shit. [laughter] Wow. But, uh, so, uh, I eat less, um, I walk more.

Um, so I do a lot of cardio. I actually started, like, a fitness page where I, um, run, like, half marathon. You don't stop. So, if you guys want to see my fat ass running,

you can follow me there. Okay. Ian, is there something you wanted to say there? Do you walk more because you can't afford a car? I, um, I can afford a car.

I can't afford all the other shit that goes with the car. Gas and whatnot. Registration insurance. Ah, yeah. That's stuff that the police asked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[laughter] These jokes. Okay.

So, you're not driving that much.

“What's your plan to get ahead and start making money here?”

Um, you know, uh, how much is rent a month? So, my rent is, uh, 1100? Okay. That's, that's a low. You have roommates?

No. You look by yourself and I'm 1100 a month. I do. Is that a studio? Uh, one bedroom?

Okay. Yeah. Written Austin's going down. So, he's a far away from downtown? Two miles.

So, I walk here a lot. Like, if I have spots, I literally walk here. I love it. Yeah. All right.

So, you have, uh, that means that you have about, you know, a year, a year less. Six months. Yeah. Until you run out of money. Yeah.

So, what's the plan? What are you good at? What am I good at? Uh, I am still good at tech. So, like, AI's just killing the, like, a lot of our jobs.

So, I'm learning how to use AI to get back into tech. Hopefully something happens with stand-up comedy. This is my dream. This is what I want to do. I don't want to go back to tech.

Or, you know, my fitness page goes up. And there's a lot of people who have pages who just make money running and just working out. So, those are my three hopes. That's who I want to have happen. Got it.

You're writing is very good. I like to get the whole thing was linear. It was like all about the same thing. The writing was. Oh, thank you.

I appreciate that. Especially from your own big fan. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Other than cats. What's your love life like? What's my love life? Um, yeah. Right now, not very good.

I actually got more pussy when I was fat. I don't understand. I'm interested. I don't either. Yeah.

Um. Yeah. So, um, I was dating somebody last year to about November. And I broke up just because of the distance, because of the gas. And, um.

So, I just been. What's your type? What type of thick white women are you in? Oh, no. See, I'm from Detroit.

That's the Texas Black guy thing. Oh. Detroit. You're in the real black women. Yeah.

I'm in the real black women. You've got five, seven, one, fifty, one, ninety dust dust dust.

“Is that their credit score that you're talking about?”

Amazing. Amazing. So, your last black girl, how long has it been since you had one of those? What? What?

You said my last black one? Yeah. You would last time you hooked up with the black woman. That was the girl I broke up with. Okay.

Why'd you break up with her? Like I said, the distance, you know, and yeah. Just distance. It's where was she at? She's in Dallas.

I mean, you cut a gun up there for the Tourette's convention. Yeah. Very good. Yeah. Did you talk to the Tourette's guy back there?

Oh, I'm trying. He's stuttered. Yeah. He was biting his lips. They're not used to seeing black people here.

You're really funny. Thank you. I appreciate that, man. So, Quentin, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life. We would find interesting.

That's always a tough one.

Telling last time we talked about being the college cheerleader. Yeah. I was here with Shane Gillis. What kind of board game? So, literally before I got called up, we were playing settlers at Katan next door.

Oh, wow. Yeah. So, I started a board game group with some friends because I was just like, there's not a lot of board game groups where I feel like I fit in. So, I just went and started my own.

That's amazing. Yeah.

“And how did people find your, uh, find your, uh, fitness contact?”

Um, it's so, uh, it's cute. Don't stop. That's my fitness run page on TikTok and Instagram. There you go. Quentin, Jones, everybody.

Fun times. Quentin, congratulations. Good set. Fun interview. Here's a big joke about.

Boom. There you go. All right. We're moving forward. We'll keep it moving here.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket full goes by the name of CJ Kaiser Men, everyone. CJ Kaiser Men. There he is. You know what degrading it is to have a homeless man put his sign down and you see your car pull up?

Okay, it's too, huh? Yeah, having me on my way here. I pull up on fifth street and this homeless guy just, oh. Maybe homeless, but they're not dumb. I rolled my window down, tried giving him money.

He tried handing me a water bottle. It's how bad it is for me. Seriously. Um, I drive a really old beat up, uh, 2002 Honda CRV. It's been regained.

Probably as many times as Tony. Um. Yeah. Yeah. [laughter]

I'm also like dumb broke though.

Like I won't even buy a Powerball ticket till it's at least at one billion.

I'm going to risk five bucks for $20 million, you know? Like, is that really going to do for me? Happy, uh, Black History Month, guys? For those who celebrate, not this guy apparently. It's okay.

Um.

All right, I'll just end it there.

Thank you. Okay, CJ Kaiserman, nothing really worked except for the thing about me. Do you do that at, like, open mics? Is that worked for you out in regular public? No.

When I'm not here? The homeless joke I start with usually does this better. It does better.

“Why do you think the homeless jokes didn't go good here tonight for you?”

Not a lot of homeless people in here. [laughter] That makes sense, normally. It works in front of the other homeless people. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. How long have you been going to stand up, CJ? Uh, I did a front of a year back home. I've been pretty lazy since moving here.

Where's back home? Uh, I spoke in Washington. And what made you lazy when you moved to a place where comedy exists with the one venue? Yeah. I actually moved down here saying I'd do more comedy and then I just haven't really been signing up for more mics.

I started a business and online business and it sort of just took off and I've been investing, like, "Ooh, what's the business?" I saw football cards online. Yeah.

Football memorabilia cards.

Sort of, uh, it's super niche. It's called "Breaking," if anybody's in it. Just keep it. Yeah. Keep explaining it.

Keep explaining it. Okay. So nobody knows what that fuck about it. No. Nobody knows what that is.

So like, there's boxes of football cards, Pokemon cards, whatever sports it is. And, you know, I buy a bunch of boxes and I sell the teams. So somebody buys a team like Cowboys, the Texans. And then you just get all the cards through team out of the boxes there. So instead of spending $400 on all the boxes, you're spending $20, $30 in your team.

Just, you know, get all the autograph cards and rare cards and a few cards for that team. Is that why you also have a haircut from 1992? Yeah. I came off. When that haircut was popular, do Spickalo was in theaters.

That's a huge bitch. Amazing. So CJ, what was it like growing up in Spokane? Not great. It's kind of moved and moved here.

It's cold up there. I got down here to avoid the snow and ice. And then we got that like crazy, crazy week with it. But we have one comedy club, just the Spokane comedy club. And you guys have actually been killed Tony there when you were touring years and years ago.

One time ago. But yeah, there's like, you know, we're in a bars and stuff. Kind of similar to here. Seems not great. But the comedy club's okay.

Two mics a week. How long have you been in Austin? Seven months. Seven months. Yeah.

And so you've just been buying boxes of cards. And kind of organizing them and dipping them up and sending them off. Yeah. That's what we're going to call you.

“How much money do you think you're making doing that?”

Getting a ballpark. A lot. Like, can you just give us a guest a bit here? What's a lot to you?

You said 20 million couldn't possibly change anything in your life.

Yeah. I really don't like talking about how much I make. I made, I did 72 K and sales last month. What? Yeah.

How? Yeah. What is that profit? Yeah. How much is that?

It's about 40%. So it's like 25 to 30 K profit. Okay. Yeah. It's like, how are you doing?

Are you kidding me? Higher the last guy. He's only got 14. Great into his name. Yeah.

Yeah. I do need employees eventually. So we'll see. He'll cut that on ship. He'll just walk for cards.

Somebody. [ Laughter ] Amazing. CJ. What's your love life like?

Nothing going on there. I've been single for a while.

“Have you found it like been on any dates and she've been lost?”

Yeah. Yeah. I've been on, I'm actually kind of talking to this girl right now. I want you to meet her app. BJ's.

BJ's. The rest are on guys. Yeah. Okay. It's a good sign.

Yeah. Yeah. I bet. They got some Tourette's chefs over there at BJ's. That's for sure.

So you met her at BJ's. You're just sitting at the bar having a drink? Uh, my friend and I went in for the Pazuki's. $2.5 Pazuki's on Tuesday.

Wow. Okay. Well, Red Band's got a new Tuesday plan. Red Band would like that. $5 Pazuki's.

Yeah. What the fuck? What's a Pazuki? It's a, it's a pizza ice cream cookie. It's like a.

Oh, wow. You normally make those yourself. That's like you could go to a place where it's made for you. It's a skillet too, right? Like.

Oh, Red Band's hard is a rock, right? Okay. So you're there looking for Pazuki and you end up. And she, yeah, she's just, she's our server. I was with my best friend, my roommate Nick.

And she just was coming over and I was making her laugh a lot of cracking jokes. What jokes were you doing there? Why don't we get some of your. Pazuki jokes.

What's that? Give us an example of one of the jokes that got you, pussy at Pazuki's. I wish I could remember. I mean, I think she just liked me.

She's laughing. I probably wasn't funny at all. She probably just liked me. She probably just liked me. I was laughing.

That's probably right. I couldn't tell you what there were. It's a shame none of those girls were in this audience.

So you want her over and then what you took her back to your place? No.

“And she's like, "Why are there fucking football cards everywhere?"”

They're cool. You live with your little brother. My room is just, is literally packed at football court. The room it calls at the anti-hose room. It's bad.

Love it. But there you go. You're a little piece of Pazuki back there. And that one happens. So do you tell her before she gets there?

Like there's a lot of balls. Yeah.

I never wanted to say that.

Before we go in here, it's going to look weird. But no. I got her phone number at the restaurant and then like at midnight. I'll text her after we left. And then right after you left?

Yeah. Very smooth. Yeah. Immediately. What'd you text her?

I just, when I got home a text editor and then she was like, "Hey, you've been, if you want to hang out." And I was like, "Oh, go." And we drove all of the bookies. Like, right after you got work.

Look at that. To Bastrop? Yeah. Is that the one? I'm new here.

Yeah. Yeah. It's that way. You got it right. Yeah.

No doubt about it. If you just walk 30 miles that way.

“You're going to land straight on Bucky's doorstep.”

Yeah. Okay.

I'd love that for a first date.

You could learn a lot about somebody. Can you take us through what? Uh, the first date of Bucky's was like. Uh, she told me she's a biter? Oh, it's...

What? That's interesting. Um, she hasn't bitten me yet. I don't know if that's a good sound or a bad sound. I need you texting that big enough.

(laughs) Told you she was a biter. You're just walking around Bucky's. Is she drops that out of her? This is in the car.

This is in the car. On the way to Bucky's. She told me she gets over simulated and we'll like bite people. She's like, "Gave, like, she gave me warning." She's like, "Yeah, if I get too over simulated and excited,

I might bite you." It's like, "How old is she?" (laughs) 14. No.

(laughs) She... That's 22. That's 22. How old are you?

I'm 23. Okay. Yeah. So you get the Bucky's then what happens? Did you buy something?

Would you buy a Bucky's? I tried putting her on the fudge. You're like Bucky's fudge? I don't know why you keep asking them. Just focus on the answers for the question.

Oh, yes. Red band likes fudge. Keep going. Yeah. I tried putting on Bucky's fudge.

She did not want it. And we ended up getting just some random snacks. She's black. And so, whoa, whoa, whoa.

“And you're like, "You must like the fudge."”

(laughs) Oh, sir, she's a bite up. (laughs) (laughs) Wow.

This is amazing. I wouldn't have guessed that the girl you went for was a black girl. What do you mean? Is it the haircut? Well, you're from Spokane.

We're normally black people. You just put a cross on fire in their front yard. (laughs) Spokane is a KKK hub. I know, I visit there every time.

That's Idaho. That's Idaho. (laughs) Okay. So you take her to Bucky's.

You offer the fudge. You just got some snacks. And then what? You take her back to your place. No, just dropped her off.

That was it. Okay. So her house? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Get the fuck off. Have you hooked up with her? But you hooked up with her since then. No, no.

We're taking things slowly, no. You didn't fuck a girl that let you take her to Bucky's house. We both love Jesus. She hit you up after work. I just took her to a big-ass gas station

and then dropped her off at home. He really is just smoking. (laughs) Wow. So it just fizzled out.

Just like your set. Yeah. Just no real closing or anything. Well, that's my time. Thank you.

No, don't eat that. That was way more interesting than his set. (laughs) Did she say anything? It took at the end of this date when you dropped her off.

Was there anything like last words? I'm not the size of the button thing. No. When was this? This was a November.

We still, we'll not today, guys. Which, what did you do today? We went to a Chevron. (laughs) Amazing.

CJ, fun times. You are leaving here with a medium black. (laughs) Choked book. CJ, Kaiserman, everybody.

So real character so far. Let's keep it moving along. See what happens next. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Matt Bannowart. Matt Bannowart.

Everybody, here he is. (audience applauds) I, I got two degrees and four years in college. Bragg.

I was always bad at school.

What I realized is instead of,

You had to take arts appreciation.

“A global perspective in a social diversity course.”

And I realized there's a glitch in the scheduling software. By chance, dance appreciation. Counted as all three. So I thought about it. And I was like, man, I could take feminism one, two, and three.

Or I could study how to be great at parties. My friends hate it. They're like, Matt, you're cheating your education. I was like, yeah. That's the point.

I'm the one paying for it. Remember one day I walk in my room. He's like sitting on his desk. He's furious. He's like typing.

He's like, uh, I have to attend page paper and I'm a fragile masculinity. And I was like, oh, woohoo. He's like, no, dude, you know what, fragile masculinity is. That's when men are too afraid to be seen as a feminist.

They put themselves through trials and tribulations, arbitrarily living lives of suffering. I was like, damn. That's tough. This is the mashed potato.

This is what I've been doing all month. I'm not even good at it. All right, that was my minute. Woohoo. Okay, Matt Bannowart doing a little lightning-fast poetry

about his college years. That was fun. Okay. Fun for you. Audible booth.

Just what I was hoping for. All right, Matt. Here we are in the interview portion now. Took a lone walk. Wasn't worth it.

What? Took a lone walk. Oh, during your set. Yeah, got it. A big one, not worth it.

All right, Matt. I'll, we'll talk about that in just a second. So let's get into it, Matt. First of all, you guys have anything you want to say right off the gut? No.

[ Laughter ] It's very fair. Checking with Jim Norton. You seem a little nervous. That, like, it happens sometimes, but you --

No, I have -- I have hand tremors. It's a medical condition. I'm going to wake up. I'm going to wake up both of us.

Wow. So you didn't even give a fuck. What was going on here?

You just always shake you like that.

And I'm, oh, yeah. I shake all the time.

“You should've come out with a lot of coffee.”

That would've been hilarious. [ Laughter ] They wouldn't let me bring the water on stage. It was a hazard. Amazing.

I didn't notice the hand. I thought the set was shaky without it. [ Laughter ] So Matt, let's talk about it. How long you've been doing stand-up?

Ten years. Gosh. Shut the fuck up, dude. [ Cheers and applause ] For the first time ever, I'm going to say,

as an answer to that question, I don't believe you. Where have you been doing it for ten years? Can I just say real quick, deep madness made such a noise.

I thought he could subtly see. [ Laughter ] He ought to play gas. He gets loud. He --

D-manist is not like a lack of punch lines. He loves his role on this show. He loves his job. He feels -- I've been hanging out with D-manist

after the show's, like, for the first, like,

20 minutes of myths he's right as soon as we're done. And I've learned it, especially recently, more than ever. This guy literally is more in touch than anybody, like, at all times.

It's kind of wild. I'm not surprised, but it is so interesting. And so a fun fact, my point, is that during the show, what you guys can't hear or sometimes see,

is D-manist scoffs relentlessly when someone's not great. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] She is my --

Underneath his breath, but we can hear it, but it's not loud enough for it to go to the mic. The ten years D-manist went, "Oh, no!"

[ Laughter ] He's already there. It's a constant. It's, like, our own little background soundtrack. [ Laughter ]

Not either man. We used to have D-have his own mic, but it's, like, a little bit too much sometimes. [ Laughter ] And I'm trying to dig someone out of an interview

or something like that, but it's -- We've learned that it's our own fun thing to have back there. D-manist. How about a hand for D-manist?

[ Laughter ] The backbone. The absolute backbone. [ Applause ] Which brings us back to Matt Bannedward.

“Ten years, where were you doing this these ten years at?”

Uh, first, three-and-a-half for an Iowa,

and then Chicago in now here. How long could you move here? Two -- oh, my little over two years, yeah. Little over two years. And you've been working at mics and stuff.

You go up a lot. You perform a lot? Yeah, I travel. I do my studies shows, yeah. Do you have, like, a best joke you've ever written in ten years that you could do for us, like, a short little fucking banger? There must be something.

Ten? Yeah, I can do something. Here he is. Doing something other than whatever the fuck that was. Just doing one joke for us, ladies and gentlemen, Matt Bannedward.

Give him a hand, everybody. Ten years. [ Applause ] Uh, I don't know if I got tried. I don't trust guys who climb rocks because they call it a climbing gym. That's not a gym.

A gym is where people go to be hot, you know? No girls have been like, "Oh, what's my dream "and streaming body massive wrists?" No one's ever fantasized about girthy digits. You know what? We'll just end it there.

This isn't going well. Okay. So Matt, let's read the room.

Chip Norton.

I mean, it's a rough goal.

[ Laughter ] I know that's very fair. I understand, like, after a bad set, it's car because the audience loses a little bit of faith. It's common for all of us.

So then you do another joke and they're like, "Oh, this is not going to be good." In that case, they were right. [ Laughter ] I empathize with you and we've all been there. Just not for this long and a row.

[ Laughter ] Matt, maybe there's something more that I can dig out about your real life here. So let's go over it. How do you make money, Matt? [ Laughter ]

You're not going to like this. Uh-oh. I do stand up. You make a living doing stand up. It's hard to believe, but yes.

Okay. So, like, where do you do this at? How do I just play the worst cities? I just did a run. I just did Tulsa, which is to Rogers or I can sell it. So let's take a one at a time, just because I'm curious.

Because I've done this, right? I started headlining shows about whatever. 15 years ago or whatever. So I was in Tulsa. And I know that it's hard to sell tickets if no one knows who you are.

So how do you sell tickets at Tulsa? You do on a comedy club? Yeah. I do a lot of small rooms, a lot of, like, breweries, stuff. But what I do is I make videos for every city I go to.

Uh-huh. So do you like top spots to rips, pigs, and Tulsa, or, like, like, like, it's like parody reviews. So you get there, and then you make a video while you're there. No, I do it before I do a lot of research at a time.

I do, like, top spots to take a drunk up. Some people kind of find them relatable.

“And you should, I get the videos, right?”

And then people, like, hey, we should go see us guy live. And the shows usually go better than this. Right. And there's, like, ballpark. How many people in these small rooms?

Hmm. I'm doing just, like, 50 to 70 seeters right now. And where do you sell tickets for? Like, like, what do you mean? How much do you sell tickets for?

$20 a piece. $20 a piece. This is pretty standard. Yeah. Pretty standard for someone that...

I mean, it's a professional that can sell tickets. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Um.

And the club takes a cut of that, right? Uh, yeah. Right. So what do you think you walked out of Tulsa with? I mean, you must admit it's an interesting thing.

I should have talked about college because now I'm just doing an accounting class up here. And that's... You can just give us a ballpark. Find your box? Uh, yeah.

But that's... I do have between, like, four shows though. So I do, like, a full run. Okay. So you do one in Tulsa or four in Tulsa.

I just did one in Tulsa. Okay. So this is...

“You have to drive to the next city, right?”

Yeah. Okay. You are looking inside of a soul. This is interesting. I think for the people to hear it.

Try to talk about it. No, we did that last time. It's okay. This is every conversation I've done before. You were on the show before.

Yeah, it did way better last time. Oh, okay. I mean, the ceiling's pretty low right now. Let's be real here. Okay.

The ceiling's the same height as it was last time. You were very funny. Very funny. Um, okay. So, uh, Matt, what's something interesting about your life that we don't know about you before I let you go?

Um, I talked about college. I was a sorority president in college. Oh, right. Yeah. How do you get that job?

Uh, I was the president of the stand-up comedy club in your register to as a sorority. Oh.

And they never, they never corrected it.

It was never checked. And the best part was our initials stand-up comedy club. S-U-C-C. We were suck house. You still are.

Yeah. [ Laughter ] That's fair.

“Did you get a little joke book last time you were on?”

No, I got a big joke. You got a big one? Well, guess who I'd buddy. You're going the wrong direction. There goes Matt Banner at everybody.

Let's get one more bucket full up here. This looks like a new name. Makes a nice spur. Or hunt. Blah, blah, blah.

Everybody. Or hunt. Here comes Laura. Oh, yeah. How are you guys?

It was very fun watching what you guys did to that guy over there. Because he's more successful than me. I'm shit, I guess.

Like, I'm never fucking like comedy.

I never felt more like I wasted nine years of my life then. Well, I know. It's okay. They're laughing. I shut myself.

They just went inside back in the morning. I can actually do stuff. I'm from Turkey. It's not a happy place. The state motto is, if you're happy, you know what?

You give it back. Yeah. It doesn't look good. But I was there for two years. Like, I lived in a lay for a long time.

Then I moved back there. And then I came back here. And I, like, in this time, I realized how to make America great again. Actually, what you do is you go live in Turkey for two years. And then you come back.

And it's fucking spectacular again. Yeah. Stop it, dude.

Now it's the opposite now.

“I think, oh my god, I will quit at the top.”

I don't want to do comedy again.

This is never going to be this is good.

Yeah. Yeah, me or what it is. There it is. Yeah, you got it. You got it.

The laughter was so loud. You missed the me out. I held off the bear because I wanted to see where you were going with it. Very funny. Orhan Limer.

My singer. Timmer. Timmer. Okay. Talk to another mic there.

I don't know how it works in Turkey, but. There you go. Orhan, that was an unbelievably great set. Just acknowledging the temperature of the room. Having common sense.

Like a 10 year veteran would have. How long have you been doing stand up, Orhan? Nine years. Really? Amazing.

Yeah. I thought you were doing a joke about how you've been doing it one year. Nine years. Thank you. I appreciate it.

How much of that's in America? So like seven of it is America. Two in Turkey. Where did you go when you first arrived to America? Orange County.

But like, you know, you're seeing like where you go. Like where I started comedy is my.

That's I always say LA because you know, it's where.

Yeah. I started, you know. Perfect. What made you pick LA? I mean, I was already in Orange County.

You could move there with a U hall. Got it. Yeah. What made you pick Orange County is a landing spot. I studied film unfortunately, which.

That makes sense. It does not at all. Yeah. Money reasons, but yeah. I went there and then, you know, I got sick of LA.

Yeah. So yeah. What does the scene in Turkey like for stand up? Can I ask? Great question.

The English and in Turkish. But the thing is like in English, we can talk about the government, which is nice. Because they don't fucking get it. Ah. You can.

What Turkish. I have this special that I shot and I haven't edited it yet.

Because if I put it up, I'll probably never go back again.

Right. So there's that little thing. So tell us what is it like over in Turkey? Like, what are some of the day-to-day things that make it, you know, dangerous and not fun? I mean, like, I had this joke about, like, compared to Halloween, like instead of Halloween,

like, trigger treat. They play this game called Money or Stab. The children. [ Laughter ] I'm seriously, I'm seriously afraid of children here.

Because sometimes I'll see children here with bats. And they're just trying to get better at sports. I'm like, I always think they're coming for me. Because the thing is, like, when there's big dudes and you, like, hurt them, people will, like, you know, people be like, I was trying to hurt you.

So you hurt them. But like, when you hurt kids and you go to prison, they're like, "Oh, this guy killed a kid." So there's that fear. None of these are my real life. [ Laughter ]

These are psychological. This is amazing. I think you're super likable. Yeah. All of the, ah, your voice is already like your demeanors.

Oh, thank you. And you just say when you kill kids and people, like, "Yeah, yeah." [ Laughter ] Yeah. You need an accent to kill kids otherwise.

Like, people are like, "Be more young Turkish." [ Laughter ] How old are you, Orhan? I'm 33 years old. 33.

And did you serve in the Turkish military at 18? No, I, 'cause you can't get out of it. How did you get out of it?

“So this two ways to get out of it, one you have to be gay and prove it.”

Oh. Hell yeah. Here's the thing, like -- [ Laughter ] So here's what people don't know.

This is why I've never joined the military. No, no. Let the rule black for it. That's how it is. That's how it is.

No, no, no, I am straight. No, no, here's what I would. Shut up, you don't know me. [ Laughter ] But there's a good thing.

You don't know me. You don't -- I'm the only straight person here. Follow. [ Laughter ] Okay, listen.

So if you're gay, and you have to send them tape, because they want proof with your -- [ Laughter ] They actually do this is true. I'm not making this up.

I'm not a screener. Wow. But blow jobs don't count, with some people sent blow job videos, and still went.

So the other way --

“the other ways you have to work in America for three years,”

that's what I did. I did shitty jobs. Oh, so one way of getting out of the military is sending a video of a man absolutely butt-fucking you. And the other option is going

to the greatest country on planet Earth and making money and working for three years. Because they figure, like, corporate America also makes your asshole gay big. [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] Unbelievable. We've looked it up.

Yeah.

Military service from the BBC News 2012,

military service is mandatory for all Turkish men. They can only escape if they are ill, disabled, or homosexual. But moving homosexuality is a humiliating or deal. So if you send a video of you sucking

another dude's dick, they're like, "No, no, no, no." People don't know that. It's in the fine print, and people don't read it.

People are like, "This is gay enough, definitely." Do they throw it? So they're -- I'm also -- they archive it. So there's a bunch of reluctant, like, "Boah job videos that didn't even do any Army good."

Where do you see them? You guys are laughing, but I'm gonna get in trouble for this little -- This is incredible. The same video that'll get you out of Turkish militaries,

the same video that'll get you into Jim Norton's green room. [ Laughter ] I love comedy, you know, so -- You're gonna do it. The guy who volunteers to watch the video in the Army.

Is there a guy who's like, "I'll make sure they're gay."

“I mean, the amount of videos is probably a team, you know?”

They zoom in real -- if they hear you go -- But -- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could serve it like this. Because people don't want to go to the Army, you know?

Because they, you know, make you get up early. Yeah. So, I guess -- Wow.

This is incredible, Orhan.

So, how long have you lived in Austin, Texas? It's my sixth month. Oh, wow. Yeah, I just moved here because I -- I know, actually, like,

people said I should, and I did, and then people have -- [ Laughter ] Like, people said, "Hey, there's, like, comedy there. People like you there."

I said, "Okay." And there's been good shows. And like, I'm telling you, like, like, this minute thing really made me nervous, because I'm not a very one-minute guy.

So, like, I really appreciate you guys, because I was really -- I kind of -- I can't -- It's your heart rate.

Thank you. Yeah. I just --

You absolutely dominated Orhan.

I want to talk to you for a little bit longer, even though this interview is going very long. But I find you so interesting. So, now that you live here -- How do you make money, Orhan?

I work for a luxury car brand, but like, only part time, and they give me time off when I go to other cities. A luxury car brand. It's Marseilles, whatever.

Okay. You've been so nice for good. Yeah. I love it. Absolutely.

Have you ever tried to get out of work the same way you tried to get up before me? [ Laughter ] No, I just -- I just do a good job.

They let me go to different cities to do comedy. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. What else about your life, Orhan? Tell us more about you.

“Honestly, I'm, like, a little bit good at everything,”

but not really that good at anything. Hopefully, besides this, well, you decided. But like, I play piano, but not well. You know?

I don't know. Like, just with, like, I'm learning to car wood. Is that your car being wood? Yeah, yeah. Okay. What are you making out of wood?

It's an abstract piece. [ Laughter ] It's said about expression more than the last one. What is carving me, you know? [ Laughter ]

Please, Christ. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah! [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, my God.

I can't handle this much love, sorry. I don't know. I -- I don't know if I should wave at yours. [ Laughter ] You're doing a hell of a job or, huh?

Thank you. You're doing an absolutely unbelievable job. What's your love life like? Well, I've had my share of girlfriends. They're old girls, don't look at me.

But, like, I -- so in Turkey, I was making a living doing this. So I had, like, more free time. Now, I don't really have free time. I had a girlfriend for a few months ago, but, you know, she wanted to meet at nights.

She had a little more comedy because, um, a little bit obsessed with this thing. So, like, I'm single till, uh, you know, I can do this. Yeah. And nothing else.

You know? I mean, that's not a -- that's a boring answer. No, it's good. It's been prioritized to understand up over anything. Yeah.

It's just -- it's just, you know, I -- I don't know. I just -- I love this thing. Yeah. I love disgusting levels. Like, the amount of job opportunities I've given up to do a few extra mics when I started and stuff.

Like, just, yeah, it's --

“I can only imagine you must have been a doctor in the old country”

and then come here. You just -- Yeah. I mean, like, the -- yeah, the best it was 40,000 years. [ Laughter ]

But, as we really know, it's -- I'm not -- higher, but --

-- by people who actually do stuff where people might die, you know? Right. That means sense. Have you ever saved anybody's life

“or had a near-death experience or anything like that?”

I mean, people have been suicidal, and I, you know, shook them. Very good. Does that -- does it? Yeah. You talk about the last guy when he walked away.

[ Laughter ] And by shook them, they were on a ledge. [ Laughter ] Yeah. He produced a show. He didn't put me on.

I might actually talk him into the ledge, but it'll see. [ Laughter ] Or, "Hon, you are so funny." You are exactly what this show is built for. Somebody that's been doing it.

Nine years. And you left LA and you moved to Austin.

And I just find you so incredible.

The sacrifices that you've made, and you're just so funny. And I can't wait to see more material from you. So, Or, "Hon, you are the newest golden tick-up winner. Here I come, Tony." Congratulations, my friend.

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] Here you go, buddy.

Bing-bong. Hey, up here, Or-Hon. Boom. Oh, there you go. [ Cheers and applause ]

And I was going to have you on the secret show Thursday. If you want to. You did it, Or-Hon. [ Cheers and applause ] You did it, buddy.

I'm going to need you to send the video that you sent the Turkish military, though. [ Laughter ] I have to do some research. Make sure you're a real golden tick-up winner. [ Laughter ]

About one more time for Or-Hon, everybody.

That's what happens here. Dreams can come true. And they did, for your next comedian, who was just about to move back to Atlanta when he got pulled out of the bucket. Here on Kilt Sony, ladies and gentlemen,

one of the great regulars of this show's history, the dark storm of Atlanta. Makes them noise. Verdetric, plain everybody. [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. Sir, what do you know about buying $200

“work to pregnancy tests, so you can be on them, sir?”

[ Laughter ] Because you know you can't get pregnant, you just really need to good news right now. [ Laughter ] Sir, what do you know about pretending to be gay

with your best friends? You got to go to couples therapy because it's cheaper that way. [ Laughter ] Sir, what do you know about having a spider

that living your room in this niggas, not your pet? [ Laughter ] You see, 'cause not your pet, but you can't kill the spider, 'cause you got a white girl friend. She's like, "This man, he's keep out the bug.

He's in the engine." [ Laughter ] So the U.S.G.P.T. will kind of spider in his only to find out it's a black widow.

[ Laughter ] Niggas, I can't kill a black mom. [ Laughter ] I have one of those. And my dad dead.

This spider is my mom. I was -- [ Laughter ] That was so much room when I figured it out, sir. But I treated like a black mom. We go to church every Sunday.

We don't go into the church.

“They won't let you in with the spider on your hand.”

They think you're the devil. [ Laughter ] So I just -- we just -- I just go where our windows heal. And we play Kurt Franklin. And then she put what she want to read in the Bible

in her web, like Charlottes Webb. You know what I'm talking about, Charlottes Webb? What's the pig's name from the book? Wilper, this nigga can't read. This nigga can't read.

And he's a liar. He just wanted to fit in. He just wanted to fit in. You're a liar. That's my time.

That's your friend. And he's done it again. And that my friends -- the difference between a regular and a bucket pole and everything in between.

The dead drink absolutely incredible loud laughs all the way

throughout amazing stuff. You've paid on pregnancy tests. [ Laughter ] Look at that good news, Sony, when you get dimmed. But you know what it feels like to not be pregnant.

That's shit. But don't get the Dollar Tree once, because a nigga was nervous. [ Laughter ] I didn't know who the mama could be. I'm a host.

You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ] Incredible dead drink. How's life been going? Tell us about it.

I've torn so much. I'm torn so much going all over the country. It's so much fun. I do hate getting on planes. I think y'all know that.

But every city I've been to, I've been selling a lot of tickets. There's a lot of good fans. I do want to say a happy black history month to the seven black people that watch "Kill Tony." [ Laughter ]

I've had at least one at every show. Yep. Yep. We got the good ones, though. You know what I'm saying?

[ Laughter ] A little fun fact. Drake watches every episode with his crew in Toronto. He makes them all shut up, and they set around a big screen TV.

Man, I love Drake. There you go. [ Laughter ] How you doing? We love Drake too.

I love it. You're very creative. I love the spider bit.

That was really funny, man.

You're very interesting guy. You're an interesting brain. Very fun. So much. Big fan of you.

I love you so much. Thank you very much. Do you have some nice to say too? [ Laughter ] You know, I have any nice to say.

I already know. You put your mind down. I was going to piggyback off of Jim, but the way he was sucking his cock. Like, what are you trying to get out of the army?

[ Laughter ] I still can't believe it. That might be one of the craziest fun facts we have to send a video of you butt-fucking. In fact, that's real.

For some guy that's the head of the Turkish Army who's definitely jerking off to these videos. [ Laughter ] It's even better if it's not true in a bunch of guys who are blowing their friends

and still going to serve. [ Laughter ] Absolutely incredible. People think America is bad. The Turkey you have to either.

But fuck or fight. Another place that has better weapons than Turkey does. I feel like I would be gay instead of going to the army, though.

“I think I would choose, like, just be gay for one video, just to get out.”

I've seen you fight for Turkey the food. [ Laughter ] Give me that word. I want that please. [ Laughter ] Give me that please.

[ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] We're going to do an AI video if you deep-throw in the Turkey zone. Yeah, that'll be on next week. That'll be on next week's video.

Dad, drink anything else crazy going on in life? How's everything? It's fucking, I don't know how to explain it.

It's just fucking incredible.

I'll finally, I don't know. I'm starting to feel like what the first couple months were. I'm starting to get real comfortable being up here instead of being, like, extra nervous. Because it is hard to come out here. I'm not just saying that because my friend bombed a couple people ago.

But it's -- [ Laughter ] Which one was that? Matt Bartler. Oh. He just runs some great shows.

It's like, oh, there. I did his club up there and the boy I was. Oh, okay.

“Well, I don't think he likes me anymore.”

He had a real... I'll talk to him. Okay, good, thank you. I want to be able to do Des Moines again. Also, thank you for this sweet ass jacket.

Of course. I just wanted to say thank you. This is fucking play or Zoom. Yeah, they were supposed to come over the holidays.

The whole crew got new jackets from our amazing team here.

It took a while. Somebody put tariffs in place here in America. And they took a while. And now they arrived just in time for Texas to be 95 degrees ago. Yeah, so it's perfect.

It's like a motherfucker. Why do I look good? I love it. Desrick, you are the fucking man. We love you.

You got to see him on the road. Desrick Flynn. Follow him. See him when he comes to your city. Absolutely amazing.

We know this next young buck. He is one of the door guys here at the mothership. We love it. You know, people from sunset sign up, people from the mothership sign up. These guys all are in a big rotation here in Austin doing spots.

Hopefully with their experience, they're doing their better minutes here. So let's see what happens. Makes some noise for the young buck. Nicholas, it's a pigly, everybody. Very funny young man.

Was that the bar the other day? Just getting a drink. And this big group of ladies came in as a bachelor at party. And it was like a big group of ladies. Because it was like a gaggle of bitches.

So so many. And I'm just sitting there minding my own business at the bar. Having a drink. And one woman comes over and orders a drink.

“And then looks at me and goes, you should shave your face.”

You look like a rapist. Not just yelled at her. She said, yeah, you look like a victim. I'm got her. Got her ass. She didn't like that very much.

And she tried back. She's like, that's not funny. And I'm like, shut up bitch, as it is. But don't worry. I'm not into fat chicks. And she was clearly anorexic. So got her again.

Yeah, we'll leave it at that. Yep, absolutely great. Nicholas, typically back again. Welcome, welcome back. How's it going?

Fantastic. Yeah. New glasses. You do kind of look like a rapist. Kind of, yeah.

Hell yeah. Very good. Welcome, welcome. When do you guys think about Nicholas Jim? I'm glad I shaved.

Very funny. Good joke writing. Yeah, really great. And I like the instinct of closing on the laugh. Like the fucking me out there is like fuck this. I'm done.

I like that.

Thank you. Yep. Got out on top. What's going on, Nicholas? Tell us about it.

You work here at the mothership. I work here.

“I recently became a father about the while ago.”

Just doing daddy daycare during the day and stand up at night. The wife is working full time. I'm raising the baby, right? Tell us about that. Yeah.

Pretty sure we are all fatherless people. Well, I mean, we're not fathers. We're childless. Yes, childless. Yes, father.

And we're probably also fatherless. We'll just come to the test tube.

Well, I mean, it's cliche to say, but they always say you're never ready.

Tony, you don't know what to expect. Which is just the cliche thing that is true. But it was a little different. Our situation goes when our baby is born. We had a little baby girl.

Wanted a funny one, but we got a girl. Yeah. But I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But we named her Shirley.

And when Shirley was born, we found we discovered that she had a little bowel obstruction in her intestines. And they had to do emergency surgery. And remove about 17 centimeters over intestines. And then they gave her like an aliosomy bag.

And we lived at the Niki with a hospital for like the first five months of her life. So it was really kind of traumatic and upsetting. And my wife is really upset that a Niki named her ship actually. I didn't like that at all. She didn't like that.

I said at one time, but every holiday sunset always comes up.

“And I'm like, SPS is never going to remember any of this.”

I like, I like, I like how you have dark jokes.

They're like, oh my god, they're really fucking funny. Oh, thanks. Yeah. That's kind of my sense of humor. It's kind of a style.

Dark shit. Jesus. Come out of nowhere. That's your daughter. Your humor is darker than the contents of your daughter's ship back.

That's true. Yeah. They call it output, but I know shit when I smell it. It's definitely shit. Yeah.

Yeah, it was doesn't. And those are crazy experience though. I've had to do a bunch of, I have to start taking care of myself a little bit better. Now, like, I've got to check up recently, which I hadn't done quite some time. But, you know, as guys, we go to the appointment once a year, you know, get a little

turn your head and cough. And you think that's it.

But this year I went and they were like, all right, we're going to tickle your balls.

That was fine. I was turning my head. I was coughing.

“You know, as you do, ask the guys, why do I have to turn my head when I cough?”

And he goes, I don't want you coughing in my face. I was like, oh, fair point. You don't know unless you ask. Yeah. That makes sense.

Yeah. And then he finishes. And I started pulling him out of my pants and he goes, oh, wait. We're going to check your prostate. And I said, no, thank you.

I didn't. I just didn't want to do that. But they forced it upon me. And all of a sudden, I'm just in position. You know, hands down, pants down.

And he's behind me looting up like p-d-d to freak off. And he goes, don't be alarmed. You're going to feel like a small pinch. And that's when I look back. I'm going to say, why do I feel both your hands on my shoulders?

And he didn't like that at all. Yeah. He didn't like that joke at all. Awesome. He kicked me right out of the dentist's office.

So... Hell yeah. Amazing. Oh, and that life's been pretty good. I mean, that was a kind of a struggle.

Yeah. I love it, Nicholas. You're doing a hell of a job. You're crushing here at the mothership. You're getting spots.

You're just performing in front of millions of people here on the show. And did great. Congratulations. I'm about to have you on the Seeker Show Thursday. Seeker Show.

Here's a big joke, Bob. Boom. Nicholas, the pig way out ladies and gentlemen. All right. And back to the bucket we go.

Here we go. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It is cursty-haden, everybody. Cursty-haden. Bye-bye.

Yeah. I don't know if y'all can tell by looking at me, but I don't have a house. I don't. I'm actually living through this app. I found where I find strangers who choose me to stay at their place, water their plants.

Take care of their pets. It's called Hinge. No, but I do go from house to house. And it usually goes pretty well. But one time I was taking care of this cat.

And when I came home, I discovered that the cat had gotten into my 30 laundry. And chewed up only my underwear. So, weird way to find out you have a yeast infection. You can take the post out of the panties, but it can't take panties out of the post.

Hi, Cursty. Welcome. Hello.

This is your first time on the show.

Yes. Welcome. How long have you been on stand up? Eight years. Okay.

Where at? I started in Dallas. Okay. You still live in Dallas? No, I live here now.

How long have you lived here? Like a year and four months. Okay. Good answer. Very exact.

How do you make money? How do you pet sitting?

“I'm also a clean and organized people's houses.”

I sell clothes on deep up. That's it. All right. Okay. How old are you?

I'm 30. 30. Okay. So you started at 22? Yes.

How's it going for you, good? Pretty good. Yeah. You perform a lot? I do.

Are you? Are you a little tipsier on drugs of some kind right now? 100% sober. Really? Yeah.

This is just you. Yeah. This is just me. I'm not even on Zoloft anymore. I'm off all of it.

Okay. Where your parents really stoned in on drugs when they had you? Yes. Okay. All right.

What does it mean really?

“You look like you should be disrupting an ice rate.”

Yeah. Sure. What if Nissidy or you? I'm Sicilian. Really?

Okay. All right. 100%. Your parents are both Sicilian. Like 80%.

My dad's dad is Irish. So that's why my last name's Hayden. Got it. Got it. All right.

What do you do for fun, Cirstie? For fun. I, I usually will, you know, I like to, I like to do, I. How long have you been off the Zoloft for? A one month.

Yeah. There we go. I had a feeling. Yeah. Your body's adjusting.

Yeah.

The brains apps have finally stopped.

The brains. What? The brains apps. Okay. None of you takes Zoloft.

That's cool. Yeah. You take us through with that means. It's where you get really light headed. And you feel kind of, it's, it's uncomfortable.

But I kind of like it. Because it makes you feel kind of like messed up. But it's like a light headedness. And then the first second you're like, ah. And then you're like, oh, yeah.

There's other ways to get that. [ Laughter ] So what made you get off the Zoloft? My health insurance changed. [ Laughter ]

So I thought it was easier to just quit the pills than to be put on hold. Did you lean off? Did you talk to a doctor at all? You just kind of just cold turkeyed it? I cold turkeyed it.

They tell you not to do that. But I think I got through it just fine. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] Dude, I, so Kersi used to be, she used to wait tables at the, at the Dallas improv, at its an improv, and every time I had line there, I'd give her a guess, and she always crushed it every show. She's very funny, and this interview is great. You're like a female. You look like female Mitch headwork.

Bitch headwork? Bitch, bitch, bitch gives headwork to stay at someone's house. Y'all already have a Mitch impersonator, those. That is true. We have a guy that looks and sounds exactly like him. What were you using Zola for? Like depression, anxiety? Well, I mean, that's what it treats red man.

But, actually, why people take it out? I mean, what do you think it's a fucking weight loss strike? It's for like PTSD, anxiety, depression, I mean, there's a few different reasons for that.

“It was for depression, and yeah, but I honestly, I would get depressed while I was on it, so I was like, well, what's the point?”

Right. Mine as well, just deal with raw dog it. Right. So how's the past month been? What are you at what's going on with it? Is it a day-to-day thing? They've been highs and lows? I think I learned good coping on Zola off, so it's actually been fine without it.

I don't really feel any different because I was on it for three years, and it's not like you're fucked up on it. Like you remember what you learned on it. So yeah, I think I just learned how to be normal. Well, I wouldn't say that, but I feel pretty much the same.

There's a fuck-up sex drive always in scared of yourself.

It does. It would take like an hour to come. So every woman I've ever been with? Yeah, they're up there. (laughter) So how a lot of Zola off.

So how has, are you of a boyfriend?

No. So have you been on dates or anything since being off Zola off, or are you just like, you know that the sexual thing is better because you're pleasing yourself. (laughter) Well, it's hard to date when you do comedy because you're just out every night,

and I don't really do dating apps because I don't really, like, care. Right? You know, so I know I don't really go on dates. Okay. Very often, so no, I don't know.

I don't do that. Okay. Right now. All right. Yeah.

“Okay, Curse, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up?”

(laughter) I do live with a yoga. I like playing pool. I do care. I like singing sometimes.

And I take showers. Ooh. Amazing.

That is a rarity among Austin Common.

(laughter) You're unique. (laughter) What song do you sing, Currioki? (laughter)

I like to do some shinaya. I also, I sing corn pretty good. Mmm. Oh, yeah. All right. Okay, Curse,ty.

Very fun. Um, all right. Let me ask you one more question about the Zoloft here. I've heard that when you stop anti-depressants cold turkey, that you get suicidal tendencies,

did you have a low moment at all when you got off them? Surprisingly, no. Um, most of the low moments were before I got on it. And then, like, during even, uh, there were low moments.

“But I think, because I expected there to be so many low moments,”

I just didn't, it wasn't that bad. (laughter) So no. I'm-- And believe.

But-- That's Stephen Birdie Stevens, who killed himself. Enjoy it. There you go. It doesn't make sense. It's a bad timing thing.

But I work with Brian Redbans, so you can't control it. When I'm looking over here, he gets to do whatever he wants. I'm gonna get-- I'm in a good head, it's very-- Perfect. I think that-- I'm gonna kill myself.

I'm maybe tonight-- No, don't. No, no. I can't have that kind of fuck up. I can't have that kind of press.

Don't write a suicide note in it. (laughter) No, you got it. You're leaving here with a big joke. But fun times, Curse,ty, hate, and there you go.

Boom. All right. It goes thirsty, everybody. Yeah, let's do that. Um, you saw or hunt to more.

Get a golden ticket here tonight.

“And you may have seen this next young lady.”

Get a golden ticket if you watched. Kill Tony once upon a time in Texas on Netflix. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of the great. Young, everybody. Young is back, everyone.

The brand new man. Hello. Hello. You know, as I'm learning more about this country in English, I realize everything's better when it's white.

(laughter) For example, a normal person just lives in the house, but the most powerful person lives in the White House. White color jobs are better than blue color jobs. They're more intellectual and pay more.

White lives are better than other lives because they come from good intentions. (laughter) That would be some sort of white. Even did he knows white is better.

(laughter) Did he use the house white parties in Hollywood?

Best parties who can never find.

You can only wear white in that party, right? They got endless celebrities. I'm limited baby oil. (laughter) And guess what?

When he's arrested, not white enough to get pardoned by the White House. (laughter) I thank you this time. (applause)

Young. (applause) That's that was all white. Yeah. (laughter)

For the White House. It's stuck with one premise there. I love it. Very good. Smart.

Adorable is always very likable. Young. (laughter) Welcome back. How's life going for you?

I was being good. Yeah. Schedule some shows around few states and they're doing spots in Austin. Where are you going around America?

Next week, I'm in Florida, but it won't be air, but I have a show in Austin, March 21st, and a Santa Antonio.

March, no April 11th. April 11th. (laughter) Santa Antonio,

You drive? (laughter)

I told you I drive Uber before.

I was five-star driver. (laughter) Yeah. Yeah. I did five thousand trips.

Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. Hi, ratings. Really good drive.

(laughter) That's crazy. But I find that impossible to believe. Jim. I enjoyed your setup.

I thought it was very funny. You had me at, you know, white. I was like, but not very good. The good writing. You know, I enjoyed you very much.

Thank you. Yeah.

“You keep looking like you're waiting for me to say something shitty.”

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. I love what I should on the panels. I can't control it. I just look at you.

I thought you look like someone from the Alien movies, you know. (laughter) As a human and incubators would come out bald and wrinkly. Are you going to let-- (laughter)

Do I now? Just see it. (laughter) You want to let Suny talk to you that way? Yes, I am.

(laughter) Tell me how I'm not good enough. (laughter) Tell me how small it is. (laughter)

White is good, but not there, right? Tell me about it. (laughter) Wow. (laughter)

Young has this incredible roast delivery that I find so interesting.

She does it with a smile. She looks right at, yeah. She told Red Band that he looked like a kidney don't work. (laughter)

“So many people after saying they saw the Netflix thing,”

bringing that up. When the Asian girl told Red Band that he looks like his kidneys don't work. It doesn't have to necessarily be like some crazy, written math problem. It's something that brutal honesty with you, the way you smile at somebody. Yeah.

Yeah, I wasn't trying to go see him. I just thought he looks very pale. (laughter) I see what I mean. You see, like, it's an adorable delivery.

Yeah, but that means she really thinks I look like some fucking alien. (laughter) What do you think about Ian? Ian's a good looking guy, right? He looks so true.

(laughter) Oh. Take it out. Take it out. This is all.

In Texas, that's a worse insult than alien. (laughter) I find it interesting. He got all those fake jeries on his knuckles. Trying to be a rapper.

Thank you. I'll take a number 35, a 47, and a 16. Are you jerlo? Yeah. You are okay.

(laughter) What are you? Not you. (laughter) Oh, my God.

I love she doesn't even say "A." She just goes, "Are you Jew?" (laughter) Oh. Yeah.

That was very 1945. (laughter) Since when do the Japanese not like Jews? (laughter) Oh, you're Chinese.

(laughter) I got in trouble for this before getting these snaps backwards. You guys are totally different. (laughter) Two totally different people.

(laughter) Yeah, we don't nuclear people. You do. We do. Yeah.

We do bomb people. You don't. Chinese don't. Somehow you guys don't. Yeah, we like to build trains, though.

(laughter) Yes, you do. You don't change for you. That's right. So she trains.

(laughter) It's a pair. I feel like she's a racist little doll, and we're just pulling her string. (laughter)

Or phrases are coming out. Are you Jew? Are you Jew? You don't. You're just part of my love, Jews.

Yeah. (laughter) Thank you. How do you feel about aliens? (laughter)

Jim is going to come. Jim is going to come. I'm going to give you a hug afterwards, sorry. Thank you. You look hard.

(laughter) Along with these roast jokes, I've realized that young is so likable that she can get away with things that most people can't. Everyone, including, I've noticed liberal people, like my 80-plus-year-old mother.

She mentioned how amazing she thought you were, and she loved your Trump impression,

and she hates Trump. Oh.

“So, I think you have this amazing ability to win people over.”

What's your least favorite race? (laughter)

And what would your best impersonation of them?

Yeah. (laughter) Oh, you really put it in your spot, Tony. (laughter) Mexicans.

Ah. Japanese. Ooh.

“Now, as a Chinese girl, tell us, what is it that you don't like about the Japanese?”

Oh, we fight a lot, and we kill each other all the time. Yeah. But why? Why is that? Uh, yeah, you know, they're neighbors, neighbors, just hate each other, you know.

They fight a lot. Yeah. But is there something about them in particular? Uh. I don't know.

I think we just think we're better than them, and I think they're better than us. That's a great answer. Yeah, just like Jews and Christians, you know. What? (laughter)

Aliens and Earthlings, yeah. (laughter) Take it easy, Miss. I gone, Jesus Christ. (laughter)

I had your roasted jewel in Jews here, and I got to take it the opportunity.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you have to, right? (laughter) You're really a Jew? I'm 23 and me.

I took it. (laughter) You'll catch it. (laughter) 23 and heeb?

(laughter) Okay. Just from the neck up. Yes, for sure. Definitely.

You're 100% Jewish from the neck up. (laughter) No, I'm like a little Ashkenazi.

“I've found out through 23 me, but I was raised Italian Irish Catholic.”

Perfect. Hey. Perfect. Hey. (laughter)

But she spotted it. It's a really great instinct. Yeah, no. I mean, right now, too. Even though her eyes look like they're close, she can see.

(laughter)

Young, young, you are amazing. So like a bull so funny.

We love you. How about one more time for a young everybody? (applause) We're gonna go back to this bucket. What's coming around the corner here?

(applause) Makes some noise for your next bucket pull ladies and gentlemen. It's Jordan McDonald, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Jordan.

(music playing) What's going on? I've been traveling a lot lately. When I go to new cities, what I like to do is, I like to buy weed. I like to take that weed and go to parks.

I like to smoke that weed in parks. And I like to watch homeless people. That's not judge how much I like to city. That's the just y'all try. I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, not too long ago.

Any Canadians in here? (cheering) Boo, USA, USA, say it would be brother, USA. I started clam rallying this video. I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, smoking weed in parks.

Watching homeless people, not bothered nobody doing my thing. And I see this homeless man walking by himself. There's nobody else around him. And he just says that loud. I only smoke crack on the weekends.

And guess what big daddy? It's the weekend. (laughter) That's the five-star homeless man right there.

“You mean to tell me you're a discipline crack addict?”

It's like, hey, Reggie, what you're doing right? Baby, what's the crack? No, it's Tuesday. Don't start my crack two Thursday and live a 58-p-ill. (laughter)

Thank you. (applause) Jordan McDonnell. Okay. Welcome back, Jordan.

You've been on the show before. How long have you been on stand-up now? Coming up on seven years. Seven years. And is that true?

You really made a crackhead that only does it on the weekend? Uh, I was smoking weed in the beaches in Toronto. And I was watching homeless people as I do. And he was like, I only smoke crack on the weekends. And guess what big daddy is the weekend?

Oh, that's the craziest shit I've ever seen. You've seen a crackhead do. Jim Norton. I think you're, I like watching you. You're a good performer.

You have good energy on stage. Like knowledge. The audience and the material is unique. So I enjoyed watching you. Oh, thank you, Jim.

Hell yeah, pretty welcome. Yeah, you've definitely gotten a lot better. I remember fat. Thank you, man. I've been working hard.

Yeah. I liked your impressions. Like you really threw yourself into it. Appreciate you. Yeah.

Hell yeah, you. And the way you said fuck Canada. I appreciated that. Yeah. Yeah.

You would say. You would say. You would say. You would say. You would say.

You would say. You would say. You would say. Jordan. What have you been up to?

Other than stand up comedy. Actually, Tony, I actually toured the world. Twenty, twenty, four and twenty, five. Wow. Which is 12 different countries in perform comedy.

Tell us about it. Shout out to the punchline and Darsalong. Hand line there. Slowed out shows there. Performing in Spain.

All over Europe. And you're performing in English. Yes, sir. All these different places. So it was cool.

For one of the shows in Tanzania Friday night. All my openers. The comedy in Swahili.

This is crazy.

I don't know what the fuck y'all say.

And then the audience quickly turned on their English bringing in. We had a good time, man. Wow. Yeah. It's incredible.

I actually got a notice in Amsterdam in Spain. And Dubai from Kiltoni, which was you. Oh, you got wrecking nice. Recognize.

“You're like, you're the dude where you're ex girlfriend beat you up, right?”

And I was like, yeah. Yeah. They're like, you funny. And I can't leave with that next time. Yeah.

Incredible. Non-comedy related. What was your favorite place? Favorite place. Non-comedy related.

Barcelona and Spain, man. Everybody got a fat ass. They got royal. Everybody's kicked up. They got good food out there.

The comedy scene was cool. It's just beautiful. I swam naked in the ocean. That was tight. I'm from Sherman, Texas.

Don't have.

I ain't never done that like that.

That was fun. Yeah. I ain't never seen such a light-skinned brother with so much soul. Come on now. Come on now.

You know what it is? I like it. You've been having all the wrong light-skins on your show lately. Tony, so I just had to come in and be the... I like you throw everything into your words.

It's like interesting hearing you talk. Thank you, brother. Yeah. When you swam naked in the ocean, what kind of floaties did you use?

I just... I just... My hair. I just... There.

It keeps me afloat. Kept my butt in my nose about water. I had to worry about shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I didn't go below my knees. Neither though. It also helped. Absolutely. We're going to keep the...

I ain't going to get below the waist.

That's going to be dangerous.

Amazing. Did you hook up with any global ladies? You know what I was saying? There was some pretty... Pretty ones out there.

“Can you give us an example of what that was like?”

Barcelona? Not one was in an Edinburgh Scotland at the French Festival. The Jewish girls out there go crazy. Boy, let me tell you.

I didn't know... No, tell us. What do you mean? Oh. Well, uh...

So at the Edinburgh French Festival were the big comedy festival in Scotland. And it's pretty much like Pokemon Stadium before comedians and stuff. And everybody's just trying to evolve

the tattoo to a right shoe. You know what I'm saying? And sometimes a charge art in a right shoe middle sometimes, like, "Yo, let's motherfucker make a electricity and fire."

And I don't know... Can you say... Can you explain that to the people that aren't absolutely brain dead dorks? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. So, uh... You know, you go to one of the after-parties. You know, and they drink a lot in Scotland. And you start drinking.

And then you make eye contact with the very pretty Jewish lady from across the room. And she's like, "Yo, I direct shows." And I'm like, "Oh, I don't, but let's, let's have some fun." And we have some fun.

Did you know she was Jewish before she said she directed shows? No, no. Or was that together with?

“And I was like, "This might be my way in."”

Yeah. So, you know, had to do the job. Have you, have you noticed something different hooking up with the Jewish girl than with a non-Jewish girl?

Oh. Go ahead, say it. It's okay. Okay. Well, uh...

Easy. I don't know. Go ahead. Let it rip, Ian. Shut up.

I'm making no eye. I love Jewish people. I just want you out of nowhere. Yeah. Chats out to the one Jew in the crowd.

Booing right now. I'd love your brother. No, it's not really that much of difference there. Uh, I don't know. She had like, like, like, moles.

And I was like, "That's crazy." You know, I was like, " Connect the dots or something. I don't know, but that's the only difference there's the moles." God puts them on there so we can spot them.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. No, they're not moles. They're called rats.

[ Laughter ] That is a Jew who made that joke. Hopefully this is still in the clip. Hopefully the clip didn't end there. Um, I love it.

Jordan, anything else crazy we should know about? Yep. Uh, anything else crazy? Man, uh, me and my homies been making a short comedy films. Uh, we got a really funny, uh, stoner film called "Pushie."

Uh, if you like, uh, good stoner comedy film. Working people find that out. Uh, it's, uh, we got it on, uh, YouTube right now. Just look up, uh, "Pushie," uh, film is on YouTube. I-e-e-y.

Uh, "P-U-S-H-Y." Okay. Yeah, you go. Yeah. Pushie.

And, uh, Tony, I had a funny moment with "U-S" gangface this year. We did? Yeah, we did. We were just hanging out in the, uh, the green room or whatever. Uh-huh.

And you walked up with the slice of pizza and I was talking to, uh, uh, Joe D'Rose and a few other comics, "Guardini." But he just came up and you were like, "This looks like so and so from Star Wars." I know this 'cause I'm a Sith Lord.

And I was like, "Yo, Tony, what?" I actually remember this. Yeah. It looked like the, uh, the "Mustafarse." Exactly.

Yeah. You go, "I would know this 'cause I'm a Sith Lord." And I was like, "Well, that was a joke." But, uh, that was a joke. [laughter]

That was a funny moment. And for being loser? Oh, yeah. Oh, come on. Star Wars is so much cooler than Pokemon.

[laughter] Dashie. Ew. You know the references.

you guys know it's where Anakin and Obi-Wan can Obi-Wan can Obi-Wan.

It's basically a lava planet.

And there was a bubble on his slice of pizza. It was like one of those like bubbles that come up. Yeah. And it literally, I took out my phone. And you had it.

Great.

“And you have to also remember it's fucking Skankfest.”

So I'm drunk and high as all fuck all. Uh, but I literally did. I didn't notice it until then. And then I pull out my phone. And I looked up the "Mustafarse" system.

And I went side by side. And then I took my red lightsaber. And I shoved it up. I asked to get out of the Turkish military. Uh, here's a big joke, but Jordan.

Thank you. Thank you. Jordan McDonald, everybody. That's the lightsaber of the Sith. You don't use green or purple lightsabers like what you got there.

No way, Jose. Straight red. I'm almost to the point where I can shoot electricity out of my fingertips. Saving it from Madison Square Guard in our third time. Tickets going on in the cell real soon.

You know, just casual business. All right. Let's do one last bucket pull. Makes the noise for Joey Johnson, everybody. What's up, guys?

Man, it's cool. You're all here. 11 years.

I've never been pulled before.

So that's, yeah. 11 years of comedy, man. It's, yeah. Sure. I don't have time.

Shut up. It's hard to make a money doing this. Man, 11 years. I just got back. I was doing shows in the Denver area.

And I'll stop by like a homeless guy outside the comedy club. He goes, excuse me, sir. He's very some change. And I told him, I was like, look, dude. I don't have any money.

I'm a stand-up comedian. And then I'll shoot you. Not guys. It's homeless guy like pause and assess to my fucking situation. Right.

The dude looks helping down. That'll miss a beat. He just goes, my bad. Fam. You, right?

And that fucked me up, guys. That ruined my whole week. My bad. I know I spoke like that, too. He was Asian.

It was the weirdest. My bad. You family, right? And then he gave me $5. And I took that shit because it's hard out here for a player.

All right. Yeah. I was on unemployment during COVID. That was the best money I ever made. All right.

I'm not really political when Trump was showing out $900. I was like, I can't be bought. That is a lot. I was on unemployment. I wasn't taking advantage of the system.

We hear about that a lot, right? Taking advantage. I wasn't the money given back to me. I was putting into small business. I love small business, man.

I love it to a fault. Like, I love small business so much. I will only take a girl I'm seeing out to a mom and pop abortion clinic.

“Because big abortion is just killing the little guy, right?”

Everybody. Joey Johnson. Great set. 11 years. You've been doing it.

11 years. Where at exactly? Hein is actually. We actually met one time. I.

Oh, God. Tell me what Star Wars shit I said. No, no, no, no. You're not the jokes you're looking for. What happened when we met?

I was just supposed to open for you. And you had a bunch of people there, Randy, you know. I, Randy, it was, it was Hein is four words. I'm going to do it. JP and JP is in the green room.

You don't recognize me. We had long hairs during COVID. I was wearing a mask. And I felt heavily judged walking in there with the mask. This can't believe Randy would book me open.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Always brought my own open.

Well, what's funny is the like Saturday after that was a Friday. And you didn't need me. And you let me do the time. And that was time to spuck. But the Saturday after the girlfriend.

They like just broke up with me. She was going to come to the show. And I was like, oh, she's going to, she's a big fan. And I was like, oh, she's going to see me. This will be my big time.

And then you're always like, hey, man. You need me back tomorrow. You're like, nah. Why? I had an entire crew that I didn't.

You were out of people from Los Angeles. Yeah. Yeah. It was good. Randy. Yeah, Randy's a dog. I love we love Randy's my fucking home. I made the great Randy Butler. He comes to all of our shows when we do

Massive venues now and no, and he let me do the time and that was tight, man. Thank you for that. Yeah, yeah, there you go. I'm a nice I would like the girlfriend. There you go. There you go. I put my lightsaber away for the night Where was the gig at the Cantina Who shot first how dare you you? Use the mosaizly cantina's name and fame. This is crazy that you're all finding out at once

“How big of a secret Star Wars nerd I am. Dorks literally rewatched it over the weekend”

That's like just let it go, like you hurt Do your big one do your big one No, I already did it on this show before. Okay. I do one impression. It's of Princess Leia during the Empire Strikes back when she's freeing Han Solo from being frozen in carbon I she's in a special robot helmet, which changes her voice and when she wakes up she goes you look at frozen a carbon

Thank you Do I get to do the secret show on Thursday? I don't want to I don't want to

Oh my god Oh my god How fucking hilarious. I love this

“I love that you're finding out that I have a sense of dirty side to me. Oh my god. All right, Joey. What do you do for work?”

I work at head shop on wheels out here, so I sell Diet yeah, yeah, I sell diet. We eat in a food truck. That's nice. Yeah, I did it in high school, but they tip me for it now So that's nice. Yeah, that's awesome Trust for the job you want not to want you all right. I love that how long you been doing that for? I moved here about a year ago. I started it like a few months ago

I was working at a country club bartending out here at first and then in July when those storms came it flooded the country club river plates country club

Okay, and is it your truck or you're working? No, no, no, it's not mine. I work for a bunch of a bunch of comics work Elazar I think he was on here recently. He works there. There's a lot of yeah. I got robbed recently. Yeah There have been a couple. Yeah, yeah, and look at shop on wheels. I'm pretty sure they posted their mug shots So look, you know if you know them maybe I'll get a raise. I don't know you know But yeah, they got robbed. I don't know what happened there. That wasn't my fault. That wasn't my truck

Okay, there you go. I lock up great. All right, perfect. We're gonna use that video in court You definitely robbed the truck You look like my accomplice. We're one in the same here. This is it. Yeah, shut the fuck up

Takes on a no one. I did not rob the truck

Okay I swear please I need the shop. Yeah, I need that 14 an hour so bad. Please

“So it's 14 an hour. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that. What's your rent?”

750 only actually how many roommates one roommate? Oh, and that's a dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah one bedroom or two One better or two, too, God damn, you Wow But one better for 750 be crazy. That'll be looks like I found you see three p.o Outlaw to your D to

All right

This is not the joy do you're looking for it, sir? All right. Yeah. Is it a one bathroom

Oh, did we already do one bathroom? It's okay one bathroom. Oh, yeah, yeah, what's it like tell these people what it's like Sharing a bathroom with it. It's gross because both me and him are like trying to get into work and out so the protein intake is like It's gone up for a Sam of a toilet and that's crazy having women over's crazy You know what I mean because I and also like the toilet seats now falling off it's just like doing that thing where you know I think both of us are like sit wipers right like you shift in the

She knows what I'm talking about she gets it. Yeah. What do you mean like if you like do you stand and wipe just wipe or sit and wipe? I have a good day. I have a good play a fucking drum beat stand. We're staying stand your standards. Oh, yeah, I just lean And then I fucking yeah, I apologize to say this that sucks But like it moves the seat. I don't know what I do everybody stands, right? You stand up. That's crazy Who stays most people to be stay sitting and they go like that on the tween. Oh, you lean. You grab a chicly and it's a whole reach process

“That's how it was that's how super straight way to do it did. It's very rare that we have so much standards”

Yeah, yeah, this yeah, this is crazy by the way the numbers are normally in my favorite. I feel like now on this Yeah, we got a few now Now, there we go. That's a fucking honest man. Look that is a look. That is a strong man right there And he sense when he that man works a construction What do you you sit and you lean and wipe see? Yeah, he's a sitter. Yeah, I'm a lean wiper

Is that what I'm supposed to be I'm a tall stand-boy and if you have a shitty apartment like I do like the toilet seat Yeah, so now it's like shifting now if you move any direction bro that shit You're like on a slip and slide. It's crazy It's like I'm sitting on an ice cube. I stand and wipe. Yeah, pull it into your boat That is you sit and paint

I'm like oh, so full showy showy showy give me one more crazy fun fact about your entire life could be your childhood could be today Crazy. I'm quitting cocaine everybody. That's cool. Yeah You're in the process right now of quit. I've been done for like a few months now, but yeah Yeah, congrats. Thanks dude. Appreciate it. That's tough. Good for you. Appreciate it. I had some I guess rock bottom moments. Let's hear about that Here's a roommate in his shit on his side

This is where you got out. It is a huge Star Wars fan in front of millions of people now I had sex with the trans girl. That was sorry. That wasn't like I was like I'm kind of like

But I just you know what happened to me. We were fucking By the way

“You were great. She looked great. No, we I was fucking I was fucking then I saw the penis and then for me that was like the rock bottom”

Because I knew but then when you see it and it's big you're like fuck that yeah, I know And then and then I felt like bad like I couldn't let's go rock hard bottom Well, then I feel like I couldn't stop because it would have been fucked up like to have been turned off once I saw the penis

Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. I know that's craziest thing after I did it

Let's go one step at a time show. We just relax for a second. You're getting real amped up now Sorry about it. It's okay. I'm closer to oh yeah, he is move back move back show. He moved back No, he means with your lifestyle. I got to show me you're saying that you didn't know She was trans until you saw her dad. I was willing to ignore it. I was so like coked out Let's ignore the fact that like it could be a possibility and again you can play pretend until you see the

And then when I saw it I was like, oh I like don't like this, but then I didn't want to finish Hold on hold on. Show me. Show me. Show me. Show me. Do you rob the truck you are gay and you lose your cock Just be who you are. You're saying that you were having sex with her, right? Yeah, you're hitting it from behind Yes, okay, and did you finish and then you saw the dick? Yeah, yeah

You came but you weren't curious as to why first base was her asshole. Yeah, there was no you're just like wow

This was Frankie. Yeah, you didn't wonder why her pussy's my relationship Did you come in her asshole? No, no, no. You pulled out. Yeah, what a gentleman. Yeah, yeah, yeah So you pull out you shoot it on her bath. I felt for some reason this is dumb. I know But it felt gay or do it coming in the ass. I was like oh, so I do it on the back and straight as fuck if there's one alpha move It's the pull it out. Yeah, you get it. Yeah

So when so when did you see her dick because she's like my turn Is that it? Yeah, it was like the there wasn't a cigarette, but she rolled over, you know like she's like yeah Yeah, then yeah with her's been and then I felt bad like not wanting to get it out even though I want you know

“Did you make her come like a gentleman or you a piece of shit? I have honestly man”

I've no idea that point. Oh, yeah, yeah The Olympics are going on right now and you were winning first place mental gymnastics I was too comfortable I was so cocked up I dated her for six months Don't drunk I met her family fell into a love relationship and a gold medal in skiing. I was

Gayer for you to deny it. Yeah, yeah beat it's fine. Yeah. I mean, that's I said I did it Did she she sleeps over? Did you wake up next to her the next morning? No, no, she yeah, I went home after I will she drove me home like we didn't really sleep. There was coke. You know, but yes She's a gentle woman. Yeah, better watch out. She was a female driver. It was very sweet up

Amazing. What kind of card did she have do you remember? I don't remember a little red like big pick-up check hatchback

But they're tucked up underneath Oh, Joey Congratulations fun set fun interview love it show great stuff Joey Johnson everybody All right, I fucking loved this episode tonight I mean unbelievable what a showing golden ticket winner

“Young was great deadric was great William got the whole thing started normally that's how you end a show”

He kicked it and he went out first in this batting order tonight So it makes you wonder how do you end in episode like this and well? Well, there's only one way to truly do that my friends This regular has it all he's selling out giant theaters all around the United States of America Where one day it is very likely that he will be a citizen But for now here remains the Estonian assassin is a mighty

Oh

Holy shit As an immigrant of course I am anti ice However As soon as I get this green card Get these rapists out of my country

“That's the sort of dude I am once I'm in I pull the ladder up”

Fuck off we're full

I always thought I'm safe from ice because I'm white but holy shit things have changed

They're shooting white women now The most valuable commodity In America God I felt bad for the lady But then I'll watch the whole video

It was about time a Karen God shot you know I'm saying Too much this going on you know This isn't right Stop the garbage

Only white people feel bad for her I asked all my black friends they were like oh shot by law enforcement

Welcome little game baby Thank you so much you guys are all I mean Jesus fucking cry I mean in the history of this show I don't think we've ever really With and I know for a fact we haven't seen anything quite like what's happening with the extremely hard working unbelievably hysterical are a mighty I mean you're you're growing at a rate that's absolutely insane

You're using your momentum and star-powered as you just have momentum from the get Every single thing is fucking hilarious and we know you're hilarious so the expectations are raised and then It's always a guy The men love me, yeah

You love me pressure you're competing with only your self out here. It's absolutely incredible

Jim norton what you what do you vary I mean I like you I know you and very funny man I love to see like the more confident like every time I see what's more confidence the material is really good

“Your pause it's just it's great to see I think you're very funny. I don't have you for it”

Confidence has been on issue recently, Jim. Oh, why So I've been banging Oh, girl I must be fun So for a few months I've been banging her in the right hole everything's correct

You never know So yesterday She tells me the whole time we've been banging a few months She hasn't come in on one even once oh Is she on zoloft

God it feels like you're gonna trade You know

“So what are you gonna do yeah, well, how did what did you do so then?”

Ask her so is it even possible She goes yes I come with a vibrator So I go where is it? Then she goes oh I didn't want to bring it up because usually when I bring it up guys get insecure you know, and it's I don't give off dude Whatever we need I can get a black guy here in 15 minutes. Dude. I don't I feel a fuck

Lady say what makes you come dude The past four months have been buying a lie insecure fuck It's technology dude. I can't you know You think if I'm Mexican guys digging a ditch and I fucking show up with a bobcat

You think he's gonna be like oh

Come bitch. I don't give up fuck. What do we need?

“Was she acting like she was coming yes drama real good Sydney Swedish shit”

Shaking shaking the vibrations they betrayed me I know you do I know Jim doesn't know that feeling do you know when your wife comes oh yes, I do Oh, you hit my shoulder that time oh Shit oh My god

So did you already did you get the vibrator and then tried did you do it right then on the spot? I had a dab

But we're gonna try again. Just fucking grab a rumour and fucking go

“So are you looking forward to your revenge? Are you gonna?”

Yes, there will be river. I was thinking I was even shopping for vibrators myself. Dude. I was shopping for things where dude the batter isn't even enough I was shopping for fucking tools I was shopping for things you can plug in the wall and the lights flicker Dude, I'm gonna next time she's over my place dude. I'm coming with a chain saw dude Like it worked

Holy shit

I mean this is absolutely incredible you've been all over the road lately. How's that going?

“Yeah, a wonderful club stand up live in Phoenix shout out Rochester Carlson”

The clubs are so awesome the people are awesome if they're only more chicks But yeah It's like 500 rapists in a room. You're just you're yelling fire and you're crushing it And that's Ari Maddy comedy. Ari Maddy dot com for the love of God some of these shows are looking I don't need this right now. No one's coming. I mean

Literally and figuratively fuck Ari Maddy dot com M A T T I get your fucking ticket The great a Sony an assassin Ari Maddy one more time for him. This episode was brought to you by Shopify How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton everybody Jim Norton can't say you available everywhere Unconceivable on YouTube and Jim Norton comedy on YouTube and fought one more time for Ian fight ants everybody

is new travel show Ian do Available at youtube.com under Ian fight ants comedy and Ian fight ants dot com for tour dates Such a fun episode brought to you by Shopify We are doing the into adome in Los Angeles, California and May so come out and see that Wherever you are you can fly to LA and CLA or you if you live anywhere near

The lake comes to your real big ass or biggest kilptony of all time at the into it dome Red band check up my big band capred seven on YouTube yes and other huge announcements coming soon To this live audience we love you. Thank you guys. We'll see you next week. Good night everybody. Thank you [Music] , she's wide awake and her whiskey hole.

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