#757 - JEREMY (ADAM RAY) + MATT RIFE - Free Transcript | KILL TONY

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And now here's a brand new episode of "Kiltoni". Hey, this is Redban and company laugh from the comedy mothership here, and Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of "Kiltoni"! Get up for TonyHenscliffe!

“Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?”

Jimmy! Thanks guys for bringing Redban with us. It's the best stamp and in all of the land everybody. You made it, you're here, you're at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by "Blue Choux Talks" space and Shopify.

We got a little hoot nanny in store for you. How you guys feeling, and I good?

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual "Kiltoni Show" to Houston, Texas, February 28th, and Dallas, March 28th, go to TonyHenscliffe.com for tickets. Right now, come see an actual "Kiltoni Show" in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th, 1 in Grand Prairie, March 28th,

TonyHenscliffe.com, get tickets now. Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh?

“Guys, every single week, I book one or two of the world's funniest human beings.”

One of the biggest comedians on planet Earth is with us tonight. One of my favorite humans, a guy who I can say, I've literally basically watched grow up over the past decade and a half, and now he is a phenom. One of the biggest in the world, one of the best in the world, one of my favorites,

make some fucking noise for the one and only Mac right! Oh, yeah, baby! So, the man, the man, the legend is with us. Mac, mother, fucking right! Oh, yeah!

Mac does a reenies. He's doing Jacksonville, Louisville, all over the field. Special.com. How's it going, buddy? Good man, happy to be back in all.

So good to see you. 48 hours, thanks for having me. You're such a relief on my eyes. And you just, me still looking at red band, and I get to look at you are just a specimen style.

Charming. Good looking.

I mean, absolutely incredible.

I'm in here tonight. Hospitality, I love this. You're damn right. Always. We've had so much fun in the past.

You know how the show works, Matt? I have a bucket with about 300 comedians names in it. It's absolutely incredible. I'm going to let this woman who's mother got kidnapped a couple weeks ago. The first name out of the bucket.

Good for you. A little special treat. You're getting away from all the stress having a night out of laughter. Good luck with all that, by the way. If your name gets pulled out of the bucket, you know how it works.

They get 60 seconds on and erupted. I mean, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

“You have to wrap it up then or else you bring out the angry bus.”

Hollywood bearer, which just loudly interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. Anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Well, we have a special treat for you guys. Normally, this guy would close the show. But tonight, he is opening the show.

He is the record holder for all time appearances on the show.

All time interviews.

What a way to get things started.

“Some people call him the vanilla gorilla.”

The Memphis Strangler. The big red machine. This is indeed the one and only William Montgomery. Give Epstein credit where credit is due. The guy had zero spam in his inbox.

Meanwhile, stubbubbs emails me every hour asking. Wanna go to 17 concerts this weekend? I don't even get via grasping any more. They're probably like an all dog. This dude helpless.

Don't even waste a digital stamp. Okay. Quick housekeeping note. Probably not the best timing. But when I was in Tucson recently, somebody stole my razor scooter.

So, you know, any help from the local authorities would be greatly appreciated. Okay. That was out. Let's keep moving. So, the mother of a morning show host goes missing in all y'all freak out.

Where were y'all when the old blippy went missing? Oh, look. New blippy. No explanation. No outrage.

They replaced the blue exclusive.

And we stormed the capital. Okay. That's my time. Thank you. Exactly.

“One minute of, I can only describe as pure insanity.”

Yeah. It's open. The blippy stuff. I finally got some. So, I've been watching a whole bunch of blippy recently.

Tony. It's a children show. And there's some new guy that is not the original blippy anymore. But nobody's talking about it. What's a blippy?

What is blippy? Yeah. Blippy is a character. And a children's television show. And there's some new guy parading around his blippy.

But it's not the same blippy. And it just pisses me off. It's like, the woman on the fucking today show or fucking mom's gone and everybody's at it. This is uproar with everybody in blippy.

Are you looking at who blippy it? Yeah. We're trying to look up new blippy. We're trying to follow this conspiracy of yours. It makes them noise if you heard a blippy before William talking about it.

Oh, wow. Look at that. Matt looks like me and you are too busy. You don't have it. You know what that is.

You're a fucking freak. Yeah. That is true. That's great. Yeah, I want this.

You don't know. It makes me smile. It makes me laugh. I love it. It's better than toddlers in tiara's.

I've been watching that a bunch recently. Seriously. No, but in a sweet way. Because I think if I ever ever ever ever ever have kids, I want them to do that.

I think.

“So that's why you don't want calling the police.”

Do it. See, that's sad. That's why I parent say as well. Seriously. It's sad.

That's why I'm watching blippy. It's a fantasy of mine. Maybe a little too much. A blippy. You think you've watched William.

But 30 or 40 the best way. What is it about doing the Roam Machine and then watching blippy in the afternoon? Did you say this week? This week. Oh, my God.

40 episodes. Yeah, I've been real. It's been real weird, Tony. Really. For example, of some of the things that happened in an episode of blippy.

Well, there was one where they all the kids were on the playground. And blippy shows up. It was the new blippy. And he starts kind of messing with some of the kids in a weird kind of way. He's touching some of them in their blood area.

Seriously. The new guy is this free kind of person, Tony. Is it Michael Jordan? [LAUGHTER] Because he's black.

Or no. No, no. You didn't see the video from last night from up. Oh, yeah. No, I saw.

Yeah. Oh, he's deadly. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. But I guess if you're Michael Jordan, you're allowed to.

It's OK. I think he gets one. Yeah. There was more than one actor who has portrayed blippy. Well, creator Stephen John originated the role in 2014.

Actor Clayton Grimm took over the role for live tours. And later appeared in videos followed by Ben Mayer in other separate productions. The change was made to exist.

Yes, he never even talked about Ben Mayer, Tony.

This is a third person. You're talking about it. I didn't even know about it. Three blippy. This is absolutely incredible.

Red band is shocked. It's very popular with many autistic children and adults. [LAUGHTER] Wow. [APPLAUSE]

Red band, how would you describe yourself? How would you say yourself is? But I do love it. I recently watched your twit. What is it?

12 hours of just cartoon noises and static noises? I watched that. That was a great new video of yours, Red band. I've put in 12 hours of cartoon noises. That was genius.

And you can do it when you're sleeping. Yeah, I was awake when I watched it. It was really good. But it was 12 hours of that, Red band. That's nuts.

That's nuts, Red band. Red band specializes in making videos that help you fall asleep.

The black screen with muffled cartoon sounds.

You can also use any of the podcast that he does. How are any of his stand-up? It comes onto the background. Oh, the dolphin's having sex. We get it.

You always say that joke.

Tom asks. No, I'm kidding. It is a funny joke.

“People having sex with dolphins or whatever.”

It is a funny joke. So let's talk about it. We went Epstein, Spam, StubHub. What was the joke in between the Epstein? I love being in.

Being in two songs. Just quick. I was keeping an announcement. I need my razor scooter back. Because I wasn't too sorry when I was there.

It was honestly. It was a couple of months ago. I left my razor scooter. I had locked up on a telephone pole outside of the comedy club. And when I went back out there was gone.

And nobody's helping me. You take your own personal razor scooter on the road with you. I've been doing it recently. I get really fast in the airports. I was flying in Chicago recently, Tony.

So you use that as your carry on? Yes, I have it in my backpack. A razor scooter can go down. It goes out of your back. But I can't bring toenail clippers.

You can have an entire fucking scooter in your carry on. What do you mean you can't bring toenail clippers? It's all you're getting. You're bringing an entire blunt object on an airplane. That is razor scooter equipment.

Especially with the guy walking through with a face like that. We can trust this guy. Nothing suspicious about him having a razor scooter. Yeah. But it can have a razor scooter, but not an actual razor.

Interesting. That's the time we live in. What else do you sneak through TSA? Give us an example of what? I don't think I need to be talking about what

I've sneaked at TSA. Give us an example. Please. Name some things that are in your carry on bag. What else is in that bag?

“How many of you want to know what's in Williams backpack?”

Ooh. The world. One shit. Tony, I mean, a lot of the time I got a couple of boxers in there. Tony.

What else? Anyway, what was that boxers? Like boxers or boxers? Oh, yeah. Can you back a half a step?

Sorry. Ah, please. Thank you. Thank you. I have a bunch of cords in there, Tony, for different charging stuff.

Yeah, that one wasn't good. Yeah, not that exciting. Okay, what else do you got in there, William? Oh, whole bunch of marijuana, Tony. Oh, I'm kidding.

I never travel with that.

Really? You can. It's okay. They don't care about that. What else?

Always mine. No book, Tony. Because I gotta look into my jokes on the set. So I got other, right? Come on.

Give us something that's a little off the beaten path. Do you have anything in that area in the front?

“Or it's like a bunch of little things kind of cranking around in there?”

Oh, he's thinking hard. This is going to be good. You don't even look at him. Thinkin'. This is what people that watch Blippy do with the microphone

against their face. It makes them feel comfortable. Like a fire trick. A lot of blippy fans. Oh, my gosh.

No, no, you know what? I have to bring it. I got this really nice little love. I went to the poo, um... Squish mellow.

A real small one. And I super that at night. And I've been bringing that with me. God help me, Tony! Let's start to sweat up here.

It's good. It's good for you to sweat sometimes. It's good for you. Have you been rowing? Yeah, I'm up to 210,000 meters.

It's the beginning of February. We're talking of over 100. What? 120 miles or something. It's obsessively doing it now.

So it's good. I feel good. I'm watching the kid shows. I'm doing fucking rowing. Things are getting better.

There's no better time for a successful person to be watching children shows than right now. Nothing suspicious about it whatsoever. If anyone out in Tucson sees a razor scooter, it's a green wheels.

Green wheels. Yep, there you go. If anybody has-- A very mad laugh on that. Return it.

Because it's so specific. The green wheels are on there. It is shockingly specific. William, what a great way to start the show. Thanks for watching.

We love you. The legend. The whole paper. Going up first. What a way to get tonight's show.

So you guys have been fun already, huh? That's right.

So now we slide over to our first bucket pull of the night.

This is where things get interesting. This is where we meet people. This is the biggest moment of their lives without a doubt. So it makes the noise for your first bucket pull. Monique Jones, everybody.

Here we go. We're doing. I'm aware that when you heard Monique Jones come into the stage, this is not what you expected. I look like the lady who called the cops on Monique Jones.

Did your cabbage patch kid grew up, right? Makes it easy to look me up.

It's Monique Jones and on the white one.

I first became aware of the racial profile into my name in high school

from North Carolina. Anybody? From the South. Yeah. Gritz.

Baby, what's up? How you doing?

“I went to meet my boyfriend's parents at his house”

and his mom answered the door. I said, hey, I'm Monique Jones. She said, really? God, look at you! Look at you!

We were just talking about you over prayer. It's so nice of them to pray for me before they even met me. It's so nice. Get out the good napkin, she's the keeper. Okay.

It's fucking racist. Hey. Hi, Monique. Welcome. Thank you.

Good stuff. You've been on the show before, correct? I have. How long ago was that? Twenty-eighteen.

Twenty-eighteen. That is indeed a minute. Dom, I wear raw. I was on the show. Dom, I wear raw.

Yeah. Okay. Awesome. It was Dom. The main room of the comedy store.

Yep. It was the main room. It was live, I believe, back then. I don't know, three, three. Twenty-eighteen?

Wow. Look at that. Amazing. Here we are. Here we are.

We used to be able to sit there. Okay. Enough about twenty-eighteen. We're at twenty-two-six now. You're baddy, bitch.

Welcome to the present. Here we are.

“So, tell us, Monique, update us with your life.”

What's changed in the past eight years? Uh, I'm still sober. I had just gotten sober and twenty-seven-teen. Thanks. Yeah.

Yeah. I beat breast cancer. Whoa. Amazing. I got a pop.

This is all absolutely incredible.

Because it looks like you have tits and you sound drunk. So, this is amazing. It's all-- Do I sound? Oh, my gosh.

No, I'm kidding, Monique. Keep going. What else? I moved out here a couple of years to go right after the surgery. Anyway.

So, now-- Look one of your boobs. They just took a lump. Lump back to me. Okay.

But then they took my hormones. Because they put you on this hormone pills. It blocked your hormones. So, I was a shell of myself. Until now, until now, you guys are like, fuck.

This is the comedy show. Okay. Anyway. I-- You were a shell of yourself.

What exactly do you mean? Imagine like zero hormones non-detectable. And they give you drugs to block them. Because it was estrogen receptor-positive blah blah blah.

“Anyway, like you can't get-- you don't want to get out of bed.”

You want to fucking die. I mean, just-- And then one day you're like, okay. And then I'd do some comedy, and then I was-- Anyway, it was just--

You know? How did you get out of it? What? I started taking hormones again. I started on grateful.

Some people pay good money for hormone blockers these days. Right? Yeah. No doubt about it. A lot of lump back to me is going on around.

Rod. Where do you live now, Mooney? Don't recommend it. I'm here. You live in the Texas.

Yeah. How long could you move here? I moved here. End of 2023. Okay.

Yeah. Have you been signing up for the show since then? I have. It's been intermittent. I wasn't right up.

I mean, I actually got here. I did some showcasing for Adam. I just-- My body was not ready. That was a--

The Obama go. You bombed in that. No kidding. No. No kidding.

You're blaming your hormones on that. Yes. Fuck yes, dude. I was like-- But he called me back twice.

Okay. So yeah, yeah. So I've got a little bit of-- Look at that. Sounds like you had one of the breasts out of the neck.

I did. All right. Oh, there's no good in that one back. That long is gown. Who are you doing?

The Monique. Tell us about what you've been doing for fun. Give us something exciting about your life, whether it's your mom's hormones or not. I was thinking, like, what do I say?

What am I going to talk about? Okay. I went to acting school with-- Sorry, now I'm going to forget Paul Rudd and Adam Scott. So I thought that would be interesting to talk about.

What year was that? That was like 94. I graduated. I graduated in '93 and '91. Wow.

I was born in '95. I know, dude. Oh, you're fine. I'm just-- Dilling it.

[laughing] Oh, my gosh. [laughing] You could be my fucking kid, dude. Wow.

That's-- Wow, the thing about-- That is-- No, my mom's got huge tips. Huge--

[laughing] Huge. So-- Hey, I guess-- Can't serve free tips.

I guess the-- I guess the funny skip to generation with this family over here. [laughing] Oh, no.

Meekier. Oh. My name was Monique.

I'd have a great first joke, too.

You gave me a-- on that show. Yeah. I look like the lady. We'll call the cops on Monique. You're exactly right.

So technically, I wrote-- You're a good joke for you.

[laughing]

There you go. Eight years ago. That'd be all-- He'll work in. I thought I'd--

It's been for you. Hell yeah. Monique, any other crazy fun fact about your life that we'd find interesting?

I-- my first roommate in--

in that school, the American Academy was Tim Conway's stuffed otter. It's pretty cool. Tim Conway? Yeah.

Sure. The old reference? And stuffed otter. Yeah. It's like a direct relative.

Yeah. For-- it's a kiltony crowd, so-- Monique's a rough interview. I'm like, what's interesting about you? She's like, I want to--

Uber Joe for a blippy number three. Uh-- [laughing] I'm a massage therapist. Oh, okay.

“Now Red Band's going to invite you to the secret show”

on Thursday's "Congratulations." Yeah. Got something out of it. That was Oliver Stone for two years. Whoa, really?

Yeah. Wow. Oliver Stone is a-- The director. Yeah.

Right? Mm-hmm. And Monique over here.

I don't know why you keep fucking looking over there.

How bad of an actor can you beat him a massage with a massage that famous director and is still not going to work? [laughing] That's a great point.

I don't know that for sure. I don't know that for sure. That is a great point. You're talking about Oliver Stone, the director. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What did he do right? I was not trying to get acting work from Oliver Stone.

I was trying to just stay of his massage. Just take number one. And you're exactly fucking right. Yeah. The old director, Monique.

He's right. He's right. He's right.

“I wasn't trying to get that kind of work.”

But now I should have fucking, yeah. I-- I didn't-- What did he-- what did he do? What did he direct? He read Bancet JFK.

When a natural born killer is I do believe. There's some good ones. It's a little-- it's a little-- Yeah, JFK's a good one. We hear to that come out.

He's still direct. He's been-- he's like one of the most famous directors. I mean, he was watching this. I will jerk you all. Yeah, wherever he is.

He was smart enough to be one of the few directors in Hollywood that would let something like this give a massage instead of a-- instead of children or whatever they were doing. All of our stone, red bands typing in all of our Jones. And now he's officially typed in all of our stones,

plural, everybody. I said, you're looking-- There you go. There you go. Thanks, Rabbi.

Yeah. It's doors was a good one. He contributed to Scarface. But I don't think he directed it. But it says Scarface, the giving him credit for it.

But that was directed by-- What's this fucking name? Oh, that's right. Okay, Tokyo. You're welcome.

Here it is. Monique, fun boy. Hey. Here's a medium-sized joke book from Bones Eye. Boom.

There you go. Got it. Got it. Got it right against the corner tip. It goes to Monique.

Everybody, this is Piltoni. It has begun. All right. To the bucket we go. Oh, my goodness.

Wow. Two blonde bombshells at once. I can't handle this. I thought it was William again for a second. Let's get this shit out of here.

Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when we started this little tiny podcast, it seemed like we had to figure it all out on our own. Who's going to go up?

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What? Well, this seems too good to be true, everybody. Because we've seen this guy before. This must be different than the name. Because this guy's a legend on this show.

This is who I think it is.

“This guy's a legend on this show. This is who I think it is. Ladies and gentlemen, it makes some noise for chair of me.”

Oh my god. Oh my god. It is him.

That's the one.

And that's how he might have came make tomorrow fucking noise.

If you have a timey. That's it.

“So, gentlemen, it's certainly a little bit about me.”

Recently, I tried to get job at Burger King. But the coach just once knew me was within 500 feet of a school. So, I guess I can't have it my way. And that's what's up. Been doing a lot of Lego recently.

Got it. Show you what on the box way, folks. But be when you're finished there.

But a friend of mine told me you can turn anything into titties.

Thanks for that, man. I'm single. Telling of fire is not single. Telling of fire is 50 years old. He's saying it's 20 year old. When I asked the comment on this situation,

I guess Spider-Man is a little gay guy. My dream girl is Erica Kirk.

“Oh yeah, I'm thinking about shooting my shot.”

She's fucking. She's fucking. She's fucking. She's hot. She's shoot. Man, she's fucking got over him quick. She was like, She was sad for two days. And then she was like, it's all good. She was like, who wants to merge? My mom took my Pokemon cards when I was seven.

I still haven't forgiven that bitch. And that's what's up. My mom's boyfriend, Jerry, I fucking, I hope he dies in his sleep.

He's always called me a virgin. I'm like, that's not what your first night said last night.

No, I can't wait to have sex. I can't wait to do intercourse. I already know what flavor I want. She would do her black. But not like Halle Berry or Queen Lucifer. I want that fucking girl on Tik Tok. Dr. Pepper Bay Bay. It's good and nice.

That's what's up. I'm a fucker. She's so good. She's gonna be like, jammy's got a sweet dig. What he comes to fast doing a loop. All right, fuck that sucks. I got a few others, but I was nervous. If I do the quick, I used to ride scooters in Austin,

and I heard... When a bunch of kids pointed at my helmet and called me a pussy, he... Now I take the bus. Roads of parks refuse to sit in the back of the bus, which is crazy because that's the best place to match the match. You guys, you got to be a Bill Gates guy. Last TD on Epstein Island.

He should have downloaded some antibody resoffware. That's good stuff. You got the Michael Jordan video. Oh, you, Matt, right for talking about Michael Jordan video. He's got, dude, he got fucking. He was at Daytona 500 fucking just going fucking. He was like, "I know Scotty Pippin, this is a little kid." It's so fucking weird. What's with all these Michael's touching fucking butts?

Michael Phelps is sitting at home like, "I'm gonna just stay in the pool." I've been watching the Olympics. Don't let the media lie to you. The Jamaican Bob team fucking is dog shit. They'd be Jamaican a bunch of mistakes out there. Oh shit. Nicki Minaj is a trumpet. It's all good. All politics aside. I still bang her. That ass is a bipartisan issue.

And that's what's up. Keep it going for red band. More like bread band, you fat bitch. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Fuck. I love you red band. Fuck. I'm sorry. Oh shit. What else? Roger Parks, Tobin Guyer.

Oh, game going for William Montgomery. That's for my favorite comics of all time. William Montgomery. William Montgomery looks like Cathy Griffin, fuck Peter Griffin.

“And gay birth to Blake Griffin. And that's what's up. That's my time. Thank you so much, everybody.”

Jeremy is back. Oh, it's fucking pounding. Wow. We have watched Jeremy make his comedy debut on the show. Through the fucking nervous. He's been on panel once before. And now he's back. You signed up tonight Jeremy. What brings you to Austin, Texas?

So I live in San Antonio. My mom's boyfriend, Jerry, has some work to do. I was talking to me, so I got in the car. And I said, "Fuck in a ghost town for Kilsoni."

I did not expect to be called to be honest with you.

What did you pull out of your fanny pack? I've recently got into these astronaut ice cream bars. They're hiring protein, just in case Gayle King and Katy Perry are like, "You'll tell him you will go with space tonight." I'll be like, "Fuck yeah, I got some fucking treats."

That's a real space bar. Oh, looks very...

“I arrived. I know you don't fucking eat shit like this, but you want some?”

Yeah. No, it's fucking not. Fuck, you are funny, dude. No, man, this doesn't feel fucking fake, dude. No, wait, he's the one.

Hey, baby, where's Jimmy Fox? He's got to be real clear. Jeremy, you'll take a bite before you kill Matt, the great-- Yeah, maybe. I mean, it's yours.

Cheers, baby. Good bye. Oh, dude. This-- That fucking sucks, do you want that?

No, break-- You want to have to eat that? What is that? I don't need percent of fintin' though. Oh, yeah.

That's wild. Jeremy, what else you got in that? And you guys want to see what Jeremy has in his fanny pack? [ Cheers and applause ] You don't have to--

You don't have to-- You don't have to-- It's not that bad. Really? Really?

It was wrong. Oh, shit. Dude, NASA's so pumped right now. NASA. NASA!

I heard you. Oh, all right.

“So, I got a tiny box of shitty critters.”

What, like, many animals in case you're bored. You're fucking-- you got like raccoons in here and shit. [ Laughter ] Wow. What exactly did those two?

Oh, my goodness. Dude. I've been-- I've been into like three parties. And every time I'm sitting around a party mall, I was like, "This fucking-- place this fucking vibe sucks.

Everyone's fucking."

And I'm just sitting there, playing my second game gear.

You know, listening to some sugar ray. And then I'll just-- they'll be so fucking grown-ups. Like, "So, what do you do for work?" And I'll be like, "Fuckin' in, I'm a shit guy!" You know?

[ Laughter ] And he's like, "Oh, shit!" Or "Boom, you're like, "Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!" [ Laughter ] So, what else?

Oh, goosebumps. Oh, all right. How many times have you been sitting around just being like, "Fuckin' in, I'm so fucking bored." And then you just go, "Fuckin' in, I'm so fucking bored."

And then you just go, "Fuckin' in." [ Laughter ] Oh, I'm bored anymore. [ Laughter ] It's amazing.

You have so many fun things. Oh, I got this book, it bookies. It's a fucking, it's a, like, a match gay ball. It's got, you press it, it says, "Yes." Try again.

Maybe. So, go ahead. You want to ask me a question? Yeah.

“How was your day today, is it going well?”

Okay. Fuckin'. Fuckin'. How could that even be on there? No.

[ Laughter ] Fuck, thanks for setting me up for that. [ Laughter ] So, that's fun for parties and shit. Can I...

Can I... Dr. Pepper, tic-tax? Oh. I didn't know that. Don't be that girl.

I didn't know they made those. Well, you gotta get on Google, Tony. [ Laughter ] Pick up pretty much everything. Dr. Pepper, tic-tax?

Yep. They're good and nice. [ Laughter ] Cinnamon, toothpicks. Big toothpick, guy, in 206. Okay.

Okay. [ Laughter ] Wow. Cherim, me. This is absolutely incredible.

Little fucking... Oh, back in case you got a, like, you want to be a gay... You know, you pick up some shit or something. [ Laughter ] Austin, you know, Austin...

I was the game I always played when I go outside in 6th grade.

I go, "Is that real? Is that real shit? Or fucking? Is that... Is that calm, you know? [ Laughter ]

So, then you grab it and you... What then what do you do? How do you find... How do you find out if it is real shit or not? I don't want to answer that.

[ Laughter ] I pick it up. Try to claim the streets. And then I got to be able to just in case, I get heart-law, heart-burn, headaches, migraines.

You take an ad, though, for heart-burn? Yeah. And I get... It's not... I don't want to say they're... The boners are...

You ever steal some commercial words. Like, if you're arrested last in more than four hours, you're fucking, you know, you're probably black. You know... [ Laughter ]

But there... My... Last doctor I went through, he was like, "Jim, you got that ticket, Abil, for your heart, your cholesterol."

And like, I get random boners and stuff and like... I'm only 38, so I'm like, "Fuck in." That's for sale, but I don't want to be... You know, it's just... I don't know.

I probably take too many pills, but... Wow. Matt, right, if you take pills, you take supplements and stuff, right?

Dick pills? Or... Supplements, like, vitamins and stuff. No, not really. All natural, huh?

All natural. For sale. I pop the hammer, too, though. Uh-huh? Helms?

Oh, Helms? Who's that?

Uh, you never take in the pronoun pills?

No. Oh, dude, they're so good. You guys ever take a hymns pill? Okay. Oh, yeah.

Oh, okay. All right, about it. Pretty funny, you guys. Pretty fun to not act like you know what that is. Pretty funny.

Better than hymns is blue chew.

If you guys really want to.

Blue chew. It happened to be tonight's sponsor. No, yes. Blue chew. I brought it up.

Shopify, so if you're wondering what he said before when that beep happened, it was the end word everybody. Matt said the end word. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

You have to say I'm kidding now. We're like a conspiracy theory. You'll start. Uh, anyway. Jeremy, I got to tell you, you are so interesting.

And even though I have one of the biggest comedians in the world right now here,

“I think, you know, I've always loved you, Jeremy.”

I've always considered you part of the family.

I don't know what it is. You remind me of somebody that I'm... Maybe have an unbelievable working relationship with. Uh, uh... Would you guys think we should have Jeremy join on panel for the rest of the episode?

Uh, I want to fuck up. Dr. Parker. Come on, Jeremy. Get over here. Wow.

Come on, Jeremy. Joining for the rest of the show. Jeremy, everybody. Wow. Wow.

You've got a fucking shape. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, Red Bear's good.

Oh, he probably meant to be Madness. No, he did. Red Bear.

Red Bear figured out the one stupid thing he could have done with that snake.

Oh, total to one of the blind guys. It was super funny. I luckily did laugh. What's up, Dee? Not much.

She should have looked at me. Hahaha. No.

“Well, Jeremy, we're going to get back to this bucket.”

We had Monique Jones honor earlier. William Montgomery seems like you're all caught up. Oh, totally. What a great. What a great panel.

I mean. Walking that right, dude. This is in a great. You can, when I met you, I looked like this. Hahaha.

It's a long-up known year. That's clear. You're saying to get better. Yes. All right.

That's what's up. 10, 15 years. You could look exactly like that chair. Yeah. Or Red Bear.

Haha. I'll take you there. I'll take you there. We're going to get another bucket pull up here. How about one more time for Jeremy, everybody?

Your next bucket pull us to follow that. Not easy to do. We're going to meet them all together. Ladies and gentlemen, I make some noise for Anthony Fink. Everybody, one minute uninterrupted for Anthony Fink.

Thank you. Thank you. So, awesome. I'm not a really smart guy. I've had two disengagement in my life.

My last ex. She broke up with me because she had a yeast infection. And yeah, she really loved this joke for two reasons. One because I kept bringing it up the fact that she had a yeast infection.

The second reason was because while she was going through it,

I kept chasing around the house asking her what kind of bread she was making. Like is it sourdough? Then she'd get mad and be like, "Well, you're definitely being a bit of a sour push." Sorry, guys. I know you're tired of these bread jokes.

Much like her. She got over and pretty fast. Just a real gluten for punishment. I like I said, I'm not a really smart guy. I used to think Lance and Neil Armstrong were the same guy until about 2009.

Yeah, nobody else. Okay. Got a crowd full of liars. Okay. I don't have time to finish that. I'll work right there. Wow.

All right, Anthony, thank you.

“Anthony, do you have a hilarious stuff in your Fanny Pack by any chance?”

I think I could help this. So it took you very stage. Anthony, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five to seven years. I took a few years off during COVID, but I started back.

And you say a few, did you perhaps mean five to seven years? Yeah, five to seven. It's more like how often do you perform? How often do you get on stage? These days, just like two to three times a week.

How come? You know, just didn't get back into swing of things until recently. So just kind of worked my way back. What app? Why did you take a break? A couple of reasons.

Well, one COVID shut everything down and then waiting for it to come back, work kind of gotten away. What do you do for work and shift? I don't work there anymore. I was working for Lockheed Martin.

Wow. Where were you doing there? I was working on the production line. Nothing, no alien or cool stuff. Don't worry, guys. Nothing cool at Lockheed.

There's no big secrets. But I was just nobody thinks you're doing anything cool. Yeah, no, I didn't think. Don't worry. Don't think so.

So Lockheed Martin took a lot of your time in your energy. And now you're getting back and stand up slowly at about two or three times a week. Yep. And you just did my girlfriend as a yeast infection. Red jokes and closed it out with a big lance and Neil Armstrong.

Because they have the same last name.

But no real connection.

“You just said that you thought they were the same person.”

And you called the audience the liars. Feel like everyone else has made that misconception. Not the only person. Right? Does anyone else? No.

Yeah, I mean there. They both have the last name, Armstrong. Let's talk about your life, Anthony. Give us something interesting about you. Interesting.

I speak six different languages. Wow, you can bomb in six different languages.

Incredible. What are the six languages?

I do English, Spanish, German, Chinese. Do you like a mashup? Like a cup of like a, like a German, Japanese. Like a Chinese, German type of Asian fusion. Like a more stuck on mindsums in where it's dark.

Wow. I don't know enough to call bullshit. Yeah. I don't think any of us do. This is a Spanish and German.

What did you say? Uh, hola comostas. And the mindsums in where it's dark just means together we are strong. And German. Okay.

No, that's what's up. That's the sweet centimate. That's the sweet centimate. This is called gay by the guy with blonde bleach hair. No, that was Jeremy the Coliseum.

Oh, I thought it was. That was being nice. Drumman. It's not right. And if Matt was doing a mat rife impression.

No, it's okay.

So tell us what is your love life like?

Do you have a girlfriend right now? Yeah. Yeah. I do surprisingly enough. She lives in New York.

She's a black woman. Hell yeah. No. That's right. She's making puffer nickel.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. That is the blackiest infection joke. There you go.

I think we just pulled a moneg for him. I think Matt rife just wrote your joke for you. There you go. That's the joke. Where'd you meet her?

On hinge. Yeah. She lived in Dallas at the time. We met at a diluca pizza place. You met like you met online and then at a pizza place.

We ran into each other at a pizza place.

Yeah. We met on hinge. Message a couple times back and forth and then. And then what happened? So you're eating pizza.

“What kind of pizza did you get that day to you remember?”

I got a dude. I treat diluca like it's CC's pizza. And I had like 25 slices and leaving the crust on the table. Like an absolute piece of shit. And yeah.

You ate it on stage here tonight. I sure did. But I, how about her? Do you remember what kind of pizza she got? It was like a buff-a-style.

So it's kind of really hard to say. They have like everything from like basics to a bunch of unique ones. It's like a, it's think of C unique as her sister's name. Okay, dokey. Anthony.

So how long have you been with this black girl? But a year and three months. What does she do for work? She is a communications director for tech companies. There's something that you realized when having sex with your black girl,

friend, that is different than having sex with a white woman. Can you tell this audience, especially Jeremy really wants to know? And if you have any sort of video proof, that would be fucking awesome. Funny you should mention that. No, I'm very serious.

It was me after the show. Okay. Let's go. I got you. Yeah, no. The big difference would just be way more cheeks.

That's for sure. It's warmer. What is that? It's true. That is...

What's warmer?

“I think that's what I'm trying to ask you out.”

What's warmer? Yeah, like the inside of the vagina. The inside, yeah, like the whole thing. Even the outside. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Why is the outside also warm? Well, there's a couple reasons. It's a good question. They absorb the sun.

Too much vitamin D, I'll do that to you. Yeah. It's from all the perineum sunbathing. Okay, dokey. Ah, wait a second.

Shut the energy out of that car. Anthony, you said bunny you mentioned that, like you might actually have a sex tape out there. Do you have you guys recorded yourself having sex? Yes.

But it's only for your own personal viewing. No. No, it's... You guys made a porno? Yep.

It's out there. Where can people find this at? Red band, you've got to pull it up. It's red. Oh, shit.

You just got shit. Oh, shit. Oh. There it comes. Oh, shit.

Whoa. Different gotch. No. Walking right there. Whoa.

Oh, my goodness. I already... See, there's a snake on the loose. All right.

Okay.

So is it really out there?

Did you really make a porn? Can you at least describe the porn to us? Are you playing a character? Is it just like, hey, what's up? No, it's not great.

Like, we don't have a production crew like this.

“Um, didn't you go to acting school with Paul Rudd in '94?”

[ Laughter ] Do I look down? How can people find it? How what? How can people find the sex tape?

It's out there. What would it be labeled under? It's on Reddit. It's on dashboardconfessional.com, because you look like the last thing. Or a dashboardconfessional.

Okay. Nobody fucking knows you're that bad. That fucking sucks. Hey, you're vindicated. Okay.

Yeah. All right. One person got that. I'm just going to be able to see Anthony's finest work. What was your coolest movie you did in the tape?

Like, what was like, 'cause I haven't done it. So like, what's the... If I'm going to make a sex tape, what's the opening move? It's the opening move on the sex tape? Well, what's the highlight of the sex tape?

The sex tape? Let's ask that. Coming. That was the best part of the sex tape. It was mostly just POV close-up.

So no really good moves to really see. Just a... Yeah, I don't know but I want to see him. Yeah, exactly. Got to keep our faces out of you, you know?

You have never jerked off the Danny Master some before.

Yes. All right. That would be kid porn. So he wouldn't want to do that problem. Yeah.

That is... That is, that is. You do be looking like that. No doubt about it. To people tell you that a lot?

I've gotten it lately. Yeah, I've gotten it. Are you going for that? Because it seems... No, no, I'm not going for it.

But I have been getting it lately.

“I don't know if it's the sideburns of the yellow glasses, but...”

There you go. Were there real rapy vibe? [laughter] Let me check that. You were thinking about that.

[laughter] Another joke. The other is so safe with me. The other is so safe. Not you.

You're safe. You're definitely safe. Anthony, let's try again another time. Here's a little joke book. There you go.

Sam's going to think. We're going to keep it moving along. It's tried. I tried without one. All right.

Let's meet somebody else.

This looks like a new name. Makes a noise for J.P. Leonard. Everybody, you're cold. There's Heidi. Makes a noise for Heidi.

Everybody. J.P. Leonard. [applause] I am from Louisiana. Caged in Country.

I don't know. And everyone wants to come to Caged in Country. They want to see all the stuff we have. And I'm like, look, I live there. I'm a favorite place closed during COVID.

And that was an all you can eat. Pop eyes buffet. That's right. I don't know if you know this. Lafayette Louisiana is home to the only

Pop eyes buffet in the world. And it was beautiful. Full menu, fried chicken, white meat, dark meat.

“All the sides you can have and all the biscuits and”

ketchup you can fucking eat. And people ask me, "Was it good?" And I'm like, "You shut your damn mouth." And then I'll look them in the eyes and I tell them. In May 2018, World Class Chef, Anthony Bourdain,

came the laughing at the film episode of his TV show. And he ate at that Pop eyes buffet. Three days in a row. And less than six weeks later, he killed himself. So...

[ Laughter ] Was it good? You got damn right. It was good. Paul, I'm saying this.

How do we get Bobby Flatel Waffle House? No. All right. That's it? Okay.

Fifty-six seconds of JP Leonard. JP, you look like you're new here, right? I am. First time, yeah. Welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up? A little over ten. Ten years. We're at Lafayette, Louisiana. Okay.

You've been there the whole time. Yeah. Still live there? Yep. I run a scene out there.

Nice. You have a family? Yeah, I do. wife two kids, two dogs, three cats. Wow, look at that.

I love it. I love it. What do you do for work? Education. So I'll work from home now.

So virtual school. Nice. Virtual school. What are you teaching? Not.

JP, so like good stuff. Oh, Jeremy, this may be one of your... Speak my language. Yeah. I also love Popeyes.

I know. Good to see you again, though. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you again, though.

Good to see you. Good to see you again, though. Good to see you. Good to see you. Good to see you again, though.

Good to see you. Good to see you again, though. Good to see you again, though. Good to see you again, though. Good to see you again, though.