#758 - DONNELL RAWLINGS + TREVOR WALLACE

Always good! Always good! Always great!

"Kuts" says "Freshest" for Aldi. To Aldi price, this week's table, 650 grams for 42,990 grams, or "Kulturheidelberen", 125 grams for 41,930 grams in your Aldi Nortfield Yale. And furthermore, easy-going and unique Aldi. Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network.

This episode of "Kiltoni" in every episode of "Kiltoni" could be found at Desquad.tv, Apple Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHenscliffe.com for everything the golden pony, TonyHenscliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of "Kiltoni". Hey, this is Redban and you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas. But brand new episode of "Kiltoni" get up for TonyHenscliffe!

“Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?”

Thanks, Redban, ladies and gentlemen. It's the best damn ban in all the land. How about a hand for them? They've been playing music for you in the live music app. All of the world, this is "Kiltoni" bred to you by Bluetooth TalkSpace and Shop. By how we fucking feel in a night, huh?

(applause) "Kiltoni" is good in here. For the show, get started.

Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

(music) You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know, every single week I take the two best comedians that I could possibly find, and I put them together here on this show. This week, no different. The return of two of the wildest panelists in the history of the show.

“How many of you consider yourselves "DiHeart Kiltowni" fans?”

(applause) Well, you're in for a treat as I present to you two of the hardest working, most working stand-up comedians in the world today. And two legends of the "Kiltoni" panel. This is "DiHeart Kiltowni" is "DiHeart Kiltowni" and "Triver Wall." (applause) There he is.

"DiHeart Kiltowni" is "DiHeart Kiltowni" and "Triver Wall." "DiHeart Kiltowni" is "DiHeart Kiltowni" and "Triver Wall."

I always keep "DiHeart Kiltowni" and "Triver Wall."

(applause) It's harder to walk off the show if you're sitting next to me. Donnell famous for the number one meltdown in "Kiltowni" history according to many YouTube videos. In the words of Nina Simone, "It's a new day, it's a new dawn." I'm feeling good. And I want to say, "I want to say it happy black history, my, but it's not represented in this audience."

No. I got you right here, Donnell. (applause)

“Trevor Wall is one of the widest white people on planet earth.”

Here to celebrate blackness three months with you. Donnell Rollings, "Zontorg." Take it to DonnellRollings.com. Trevor Wall is also on tour. He's filming a special March 13th and 14th in Phoenix. And he's dropping a new special "Triver Wall" on YouTube on April 1st on YouTube.

And, uh, Hell yeah. You guys both have been on the show. You know how this fucking show works. Hell is a legend of this game. He is on almost every "Kiltowni" compilation video of everything.

Yeah, they hate me here. You know. (laughter) I'm just doing it for the piece. And I'm so happy to announce it. I did not make the Epstein files.

(laughter) I was at a ditty party, but I didn't guess the whole thing. (laughter) So there was, oh, oh, baby, all fair, everybody. I'll just say that.

We're going to have fun here. You guys know how it works. Over 300 comedians signed up with a chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If their name gets pulled out, you know. Their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. (laughter)

They have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. (laughter) But it's just rudely interrupts them. And, uh, then I conduct an interview.

The whole thing is improvised. God only knows. I mean, shit gets crazy here out of this bucket.

“You guys are going to start tonight's fucking show or what?”

(applause)

Well, we go wrangle that first bucket pull of the night.

(laughter) Uh, we have a very, very special treat to start tonight's show. This young man is considered much like Donnell. One of the most polarizing figures in this show's history. Uh, very, very, we've watched him grow.

Up until this point, every minute seems to be better than the last. Ladies and gentlemen, you remember when he was just an nephew. Now he's an uncle. Makes a noise to the great Uncle Lacer, everybody. (applause)

How are we doing, Austin, y'all, right? No, okay. That'd be a black history month. I got Donnell here. They got that light-skinned and feller painting.

They got D-mad and it's dressed like a butter. They're unreal. What a treat. (laughter) Before we get started, I need you to listen, I don't care what you are. Okay, sure, Ryan's human being.

Whatever you do, don't repeat on what someone else does, that sure, Ryan's human being.

Like, I don't care if you're gay.

I don't care if you're trained. I don't care if you're black. (laughter) You're a body of your choice. You know, don't.

And you know what, black's not a choice.

“Well, they choose to be that loud of the movie theater, don't they?”

(laughter) Listen, now, listen here, goddamnit. Listen. I ain't racist to nobody. I don't want to.

But there is one month fucker I do hate. Okay. One month or I can't stand. And that is a month fucker with the audacity. That's me if I want to help them move furniture

from one apartment complex to the other. Okay, listen, dude. The goddamn blatant disrespect you got to ask me to help you move a California king. Down two flights of stairs, yeah man.

As soon as we get there, you might as well just fuck my wife

on that mattress, right? I'd rather have full blown fucking AIDS, all right? Like, now magic jumps and AIDS quit playing basketball in the 90s. I'm talking Dallas barclubs, AIDS, all right?

99 cents a day, AIDS. You can swap them flaws of them, maybe open in kids' face. (laughter) With that being said,

uh, I got to move on Saturday.

“If anybody's got pick up drug, I can borrow money”

and double energy on me. I'm full laser has started this show. (applause) Uncle Lee, let's check in with Donnell. I feel attacked anytime away.

Now this is my name, Donnell. That's the most racist shit. (laughter) It feels like I was watching a turning point half time show. (laughter)

I'll just say this. You may Charlie Kirk, happy as a mother. (laughter) Hey, he's turning over in his grave, you know? (laughter)

Kid track rock over here. (laughter) You know, it's winter when he starts wearing sleeves, for sure. (laughter) Uncle Lee's there.

How's things going? It's good, man. Uh, your girl came coming and had a dating show there tonight, and I actually wanted, and I wanted to date with Heidi.

Oh. Wow. But I was when Boozled, because, uh, we went out to the beddy, right? And, but she just took me up with the biggest friend she has.

Yeah. (laughter) And not like their best friends. They're this big just round. (laughter)

That makes sense. Little big bear. She just went Boozled me. So that... No, it sounds like he's describing what need are right now.

Oh, what need up? The very famous Juanita. Juanita famously talked about how black guys don't want to fuck her. Juanita is a... She's trans, isn't it?

She's trans, isn't it? She's a obese trans. Don't know. You would bring that up. That's pretty.

But Donel thought it was just a thick Mexican chick. And he said, "Hey, you know, I'd be down, and then I informed him." (laughter) Basically.

It's down with the fuck I said. (laughter) It was worse. It was much worse than that. This was sick.

Yeah. You didn't do this song, but you're a boy. (laughter) And then I said, "I said, I'm speaking of behalf of the black community."

I said, "This is the song we want to say. We will, we will fuck you." (laughter) And then I looked and I didn't really recognize. Because I know women in the Midwest look just like...

(laughter) Women in the Midwest do look like trans linebackers. Yeah. And then my DMs was flooded with guy's name, Tanya. Oh, yeah.

I don't know that was a guy. (laughter) We figured that part out, okay?

It's a new dawn. Shout to Juan Mito. Yeah. We love Juan Mito.

You take her to the Diddy Party?

Did you? That's what you did there? No comment. It takes a lot of baby oil to get that thing ready to go. Tanya, that man.

A drum of baby oil. Prisco or something, too. I feel so insecure. I'm a black man who can't use baby oil because of Diddy right now. What do you use?

“If you want to really be just your sexual alley, whatever.”

You go to a CVS and put eight bottles of baby oil on the counter. And see how the fuck they look at you. Did they? Did they? But they have to unlock the thing for you, right?

When do you do that? (laughter) The new dawn day on is not going to respond to that. Uncle Laser. So what did you end up doing with the big girl that Heidi hooked you up with?

You know. Yeah, we know.

We know that you know how to say the S got me eight bottles of baby oil.

You know? Let's just say you moved that furniture around. Yeah, I helped. Is it team lift? I want it.

Well, laser. Great way to get the show started tonight. We came out with the bang. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to laser every day.

And now we go to the bucket, everyone. And now to the bucket, we go. Your first bucket. We're going to meet them all together. This is obvious to the part of the show.

We're going to do anything and happen. Make some noise. First step. Shepard. Everybody.

(applause) How do you? I found out recently, I'm one eighth black. It's our month now. Now, this doesn't mean that I can say any of the fun words.

But I sure have been thinking about it. Lost my virginity with a soft dick.

“Y'all might be thinking, wow, that's got to take a hug to work, right?”

You'd be wrong. All it takes is a girl that believes deep enough. And keeps drinking after she pukes on you. I was 17. She was 22.

She knew what she wanted. Between me and whiskey though. We sure could do that. It's all right. All right.

But we should have got a bigger pop. But thank you all so much. (applause) Shepard. Welcome to the show, Seth.

Thank you. Thanks, and I haven't heard it since you did the narration on the Big Lebowski. Yes, sir. Last time I was on, you said the same thing. Yes, sir. Really? Even on before?

About a year and a half ago. It was my maybe eighth time on stage. I've been doing comedy about 16, 18 months now. Nice. This is your eighth time on stage?

No, last time. My zone. Yes, sir. Yeah, you have an unbelievable voice. Thank you.

Both your voice and your jokes could talk us all to sleep without a doubt. So what's been going on, Seth? Tell us about your life. What are you doing for work right now? I work at a dispensary, which is pretty funny because I don't smoke weed.

But yeah. Went to a... Thank you vote for to be illegal every time it's on the bail. Not my top of thing at all. I'm a simple man.

I make my eggs and bacon put on my camouflage hat and get to rot in the jokes. The swapping eagle of America is what keeps those safe. And I'm a consider myself a true patriot. Yes, sir. But I'm not making myself breakfast or feeding my dogs.

I'm invading the capital. [ Laughter ] Oiling up my guns and just doing what's right for the country. Yes, sir. I do support the weeds.

I just, I feel like I'm 29. I'm too old to be so scared. It's... I quit smoking because I went on stage after smoking. I was like, "Oh, no, man."

What do you all hate me? What's going on? I was so scared. I hate you because I was jokes to try. [ Laughter ]

Don't think too deep in a smoke that joined through some cracks. Anybody got some heroin in his bedroom? Oh, my God. I noticed the platform is support people, but kill yourself. It's over, son.

Thank you, don't look like you started a cuck-hole video. [ Laughter ]

“And I don't know why that colored felon talk to me like that, not?”

He was disrespectful as hell. [ Laughter ] "Here is my wife. It is her birthday. Make her feel good." [ Laughter ]

He looks like the guys at that video always click on it.

Oh, you've seen those videos, huh? I was part of those videos. [ Laughter ] So, Seth, we work at a weed dispenser. What are you doing for fun?

What is a guy like Seth do for fun? You look like a man of many hobbies. Oh, I like building guns. [ Laughter ] Straight out of my impression of them.

He said building guns? Building guns. Oh, I'm sorry about everything I said about you.

He's also sorry for disrespecting your art form and holding them sideways every time he gets a chance. [ Laughter ]

That's, uh, whenever I first moved down here,

I was actually, I called the mother ship and I said, "Hey, y'all, uh, I usually got a gun on my hip. Y'all got pistol check?" And they're like, "What?" I was like, "If I got a gun on my hip, you'll got somebody

and get my gun, too," and they said, "No." I was like, "Ah, I thought this was Texas, I'm sorry." There's only one person that the mother ship allows to have a gun in this place, and that person is dematinous. [ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah. [ Laughter ] Look out. Well, he's not doing a good job because of he built guns. You should've took opportunities.

“You should've just helped before you came in.”

[ Laughter ] Bill, two birds are one stone. Yes, sir. I love it. Seth, what's your love life life?

Uh, it's doing all right. And I actually just, uh, this past week kind of broke up with the lady because she sent me all kinds of weird shit. Kind of suicidal shit, and I'm like, "I got a gun." Yeah.

[ Laughter ] I was like, "Man, I got maybe six and a half good inches of dick and 15 pumps if I'm lucky. I don't know why you got the key stuff over that. Leave me alone."

[ Laughter ] Look at that, six and a half. We're doing all right. [ Laughter ] How much bad dick do you have?

[ Laughter ] I'll be honest, don't eat the bases. It's so thick and doesn't go in. [ Laughter ] The tree stumped down there.

[ Laughter ]

Seth, this is incredible.

So she was suicidal so you broke up with her? What a unbelievable boyfriend. Man of the year, everybody. Give her a better help reader, something to it. I've ordered her for a few days, and she's like,

"I'm going in the dark end." Like, "Oh, I'm the dark end." [ Laughter ] Amazing, man.

“I've learned my lesson crazy posties of the shit,”

but I didn't work that at the end of the day. It's, you need somebody who can cook you some eggs. Hang out, be a good one. [ Laughter ] It's unbelievable this guy.

[ Laughter ] I mean, unbelievable. Seth, what else do you do for fun? Give us another hobby before I get you out of here. I like to go fishing.

I ain't been fishing since I moved down. Have you already knew that? Give us another one. [ Laughter ] Let's see.

I walk around six street and just look at the homeless people. It's kind of funny. I feel like you're not a comic in Austin, unless you piss in an alley. I'm just taking a look at all the turds back there.

What's going on? It's a lot of turds back there. It's a lot. Those of you that just listen to the show from far away. Let me tell you. Right behind us.

Literally behind us. About 15 feet behind us. There's turds. [ Laughter ] Yeah.

Crazy. Oh, okay, red band. This red band's one-fart sound effect perhaps. So Trevor. Do you think you look any homeless at all? Oh, yeah. I'm sure I do.

You look like Luke Nocome, all right? [ Laughter ] That's true. Seth. Shepherd.

What's your family like? Are they real Billy Goats, too? Yeah. I come from a long line of prejudice people. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're great. But I remember whenever I was on the show last, came Patterson followed me up.

And he said, "They've got a good slave on a voice." Yep. And for the next two months, every time I call my dad, he's like, "What's up, slave on a voice?"

You can't know what's his. You can't say that. I can't imagine what your dad's voice is like. Oh, it's great.

“He honestly had a deeper voice than any.”

I used smoke-free packs a day, so they're saying, "All natural, I guess." Wow. That's new points. Marba Red.

I thought you were one eighth black, sorry. [ Laughter ] It's a fair point. Somebody didn't leave me. [ Laughter ]

It's cool. Somebody didn't leave a pack of new portfolios. It creeps last night. I smoked everyone. I don't know who's it were, but that was...

My nails. Hate that for me. Real quick before I let you out of here. This soft dick, she puked seven. You were 17.

She was 22. How did that end up happening? Oh, it was my sister's friend. Oh. We got drunk.

It was at her house. It fucked her on her couch. It was... It was my sister's friend. You have a voice like you would lose your virginity to your sister.

You ain't wrong, you ain't wrong. Yeah. No disrespect to West Virginia. It can talk, yes, sir. Yeah.

Amazing. And why was your dick soft? Because you were drunk, too. I had a fifth of whiskey. I was...

We figured it out eventually, but it's... I have an innate tolerance to whiskey. Don't make any sense. It's... I get free drinks at some of the clubs around here.

The other two weeks ago, I had a full maybe seven, 50. I don't even know.

I've never had a hangover, so I'm not learning lessons.

I wish I could. The only hangover I've ever had was from Tequila. Wow. Yep. It's not interesting at all.

I'm sorry. Yeah. No, I love it. It's good when the people watching the show actually fall asleep watching it.

And then they have to watch it again.

“So we get two views by having someone on like you early on in the episode.”

I'm a businessman on top of a host and a comedian and a roaster. Alright. You're leaving here with a one-eighth normal-sized black joke book. There you go. There you go.

Set shepherd everybody. On to the next one we go. There you go. Set. There you go.

Set everybody. Oh, my goodness. Look who it is. Everyone. The lovely Heidi.

Everybody live in the flesh. Go to HeidiRegina.com. Check out our podcast. Love on the line. Also, check out the Kiltoni Band on YouTube.

They have a new show. Find you part two. Are they a new song? They do songs. Hello there.

This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know when we started this thing it seemed like we had to figure it all out on our own.

“Everybody said who's going to want to buy tickets to an open mic that they could possibly watch on YouTube for free.”

Filming, schedule, logos. It was all overwhelming and then one day we introduced a new decision that needed an answer when you're starting off with something new. It seems like you're too do list keeps growing everyday with new tasks. And that list can easily begin to overrun your life.

Finding the right tool that not only helps you up, but simplifies everything and be such a game changer for millions of businesses.

That tool is Shopify. Red band. Tony Shopify is the best business tool out there. It's the comrades platform behind millions of businesses around the world. And 10% of all e-commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Jim shark to brands just getting start.

Ooh, wait. It started with your own design studio with hundreds of ready to use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store. The matches your brand style. Accelerate your efficiency.

Whether you're uploading new products or trying to improve existing ones. Shopify is packed with the help of AI tools that write product descriptions. Page headlines and even enhance your product photography. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner Shopify. And start hearing.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial. Today at shopify.com/killtony. Go to shopify.com/killtony. Shopify.com/killtony. Shopify.com/killtony.

Shopify.com/killtony. Shopify.com/killtony.com/killtony. Mama. How do you feel? The great love.

Hmm. So what? And so creamy. Hey! How can a Papa creamy sign?

Nutella. Would you like a Papa? Nutella? It's Nutella. You're the best player in this school.

You're the best player in this school. You're the best player in this school. No, I'm not. I'm the best player in this school. Hmm.

You're the best in this school? Yes, exactly. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school.

I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school.

I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school.

I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school.

I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school.

I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school.

I'm the best player in this school. I'm the best player in this school. There's only one thing he could have done. Only one thing that makes any sense. He'd line them up on the ground, put a ramp on either side,

and turn this chair up to full speed. He has the science to make it happen. I could just imagine his tires creating fire tracks.

“I'm pretty sure that's how his face got that way.”

It's just the win resistance. You know what I mean? It's just like... That's my set. Julie in case this.

Welcome Julie in.

It's the first time on the show.

I love it. Welcome. How long have you been going to stand up? Six months. Six months.

Very good. Amazing. A premise and execution. The delivery felt organic. It felt like you're new.

But it was good. He had a mystery kept us on the edge of our seats. Much like Stephen Hawking. Six months in the game. How old are you?

30. What made you want to start six months ago? I was thinking about what I wanted to do with my life because I was working at Amazon. I was just tired of it. And I said, you know, what kind of life do I want to live?

Do I want to... Hell yeah. I like the optimism. If I could put eight to ten hours a day into one of those things, I said, comedy, I think is the one thing that I could see myself working really hard on.

What came in second place to stand up comedy?

Being a rockstar where you about to go by. Are you going to go to guitar center or something like that? And by guitar, like, what was... I think I... I don't think there was no second place.

“It kind of just comedy was the only thing I could see myself doing long-term and working really hard on for...”

What ethnicity are you? Mexican. 100%. Both my parents, but I did it at DNA tests. It's like 35% native Mexican.

Okay. How much percentage would you need to have a... To have an actual official ice rate of hears it? Like... 35%.

Right. Get it out. They're on the way. Very cool. What are your parents do?

Mom's stay at home, mom. What is dad, though? Am I right? Mom's on disability. Yeah.

Dad's a forklift driver. Yeah. Perfect.

It's a direct make-up of Stephen Hawking right there actually.

Yeah. Yeah. What kind of disability does your mom have? I knew you was going to... Skits of frenic.

Oh, Skits of frenic. Yes. Is that a fact that you a lot as a kid I got? Honestly, she's... She's...

She's... It's very, like, low-key. She has voices in her head, but she handles it well. So she's not... The voices speak Spanish.

[laughter] I never thought to ask. [laughter] Do the voices know anything bad, Bunny was saying it to Superboy after I'm show.

[laughter] I'm just curious. Can your mother translate the half-time show? [laughter] [singing]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what happened. I was watching the T-pack app time show. So I'm kidding.

I would have to ask her. No, it's good. But nothing to... Not that she's ever done. And a big break meltdowns, like Don El did a few episodes ago.

No, she's hurt. Like, if she has, like, an episode is just really... Smaller her handling her sofas. Is it an episode or like... Like, let Novela.

What do you call it exactly? [laughter] It's... Smaller, like, it's more like she's talking to herself and I'm like, what's going on?

Right. That makes sense. Dad's cool. You and Dad are close. Me and Dad are close.

Like, what does she think of... Go ahead.

My parents got separated when I was, like, in second grade,

but he lives in the same town and I see him, like, pretty often.

“But which part side of your mother do you separate from?”

That's a good question. [laughter] Yeah. Her main personality, I think, but supposedly...

[laughter] Supposedly, it changed over time. So who knows? Did she live by herself now or did she have another man? No, she lives by herself for, like, the last,

like, maybe, like, 20 something years. Okay. But it... She lives with a group of people, right? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. She took us with her, too. So there's, like, a whole... Yeah. You're... you still live with mom?

Not anymore. Nice. I moved to Austin, actually. Do you live by yourself? I live by myself.

Nice. How are you able to afford that apartment now that you... do you still work at Amazon? So I was working at Amazon in California and then I just... I said,

you know what? I... I looked up the cost of living in Austin and I said, you know what? I could pull out my savings. Go to Austin, find a job,

and then last for, like, as long as I need a lesson until, like, my comedy skills grow. And now... Let me ask you this. How much money did you have saved up?

About... 14,000? Very good. What's your rent? I'm on.

575... I live in a travel trailer. I don't live in... I don't live in a... Beautiful. You ever see Uncle Laser out there?

[laughter] Hey, Julie. Can you help me move this cow trover? You're a girl. It's pretty good.

Come on. Give me a hand. I'm saying when they have blurry dams, let's go. [laughter] Wow.

“Julie, and you have any hobbies or anything like that?”

Sometimes I write things other than... Comedy, like, I like to write poetry sometimes, too, and then draw... Nice. And...

What else? Anything wild and fun? It's like he would be a good eulogy writer. Yeah. You know, I have...

I made a couple of friends here that, and at least one of them, you know, gets me out of the house, you know, make sure that I'm not like stuck at home. You see, like, the kind of guy that could drink

to kill all day, have no hangover. I don't know if he had whiskey at all. You'd be tremendously hungover.

I don't get hungover.

Whiskey does make me emotional.

Oh, what kind of stuff happens to you if you drink whiskey? I start thinking about my life too much. Ah... Poetry. Are you going to get a job, though?

Are you looking for a job? I'm looking for a job. I'm looking for a job. I'm looking for a job. I'm looking for a job.

I'm looking for a job. I'm looking for a job. I'm looking for a job. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Uber eats are just regular Uber with humans. Regular Uber. I like it better when the package gets in and out on its own. Nice. I love it.

Brilliant. Like I said about the Stephen Hawking thing. You have a very funny brain. I think you're just going to keep getting better. There's, I don't think there's anything I can stop you, Julian.

I see it. I've been doing this way too long.

I know what it's like when someone has a premise

“and the only thing that needs catching up is their delivery.”

And that's where you are right now. It's incredible. Sign up again. Here's a big joke, Bob. Thank you.

Film. Whoo. There you go. It happens. All right.

Your next comedian works here. You know him. He became famous for talking about bags and boxes. This is a brand new minute from Jay Legend, everybody. Yeah.

I'm Daniel. I had one on a date with a white woman. It's important that I said that part for the story. And as I was getting to know her, she was telling me how she was in the gender pronouns and how she identified as a day. There was a crazy sentence to hear. But I'm a super chill guy out there over here. I'm like, if that's how you choose a little life I'll call you, which you want to be called.

By dealing with her, I didn't let them know before before we go out. I can only afford to pay for me and you. And that guy's going to be a product we shouldn't do this because they could come. Just make sure they bring money for real. Because if they want anything of it, it's me.

You're like, oh, pay for the shit, gratuity and all.

I'll be stuck with the people for seven fucking people because you don't know who you want to be in life.

That's not my responsibility. And I refuse to deal with it. [ Laughter ] The part that pissed me off the most was they got up when it was time to order. So now I look like a dumbass at the table because the waiter took the order.

“And he like, sir, would you like, put my order in a confidence.”

He was like, what about your guess? But I don't know what they want. He said, "They, you expect more people or like, no, it's just one of them." He said, "One of them, I said, yes, Nick and one of them." I don't know what the fuck I just said.

I'm confused too. I thought you helped me figure this shit out for real. Because at this point, it's worse than them. And we're losing. [ Laughter ]

We also want to tell him too. Hey, why is this? [ Laughter ] Very strong that welcome back, Jay. Appreciate you all.

Tell him can I say something? Oh, absolutely. This is probably in the mind of everybody in this panel. You can't say, I just want to say, "My Nick, I need to go." Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's me, Nick. That's it. That's it. Appreciate it, Nick. That just because he's black.

Just because you're black. That was it. So ice was on their way. Now we're calling the police. Everybody.

They are already here. [ Laughter ] Yes, there he is. Watching with the watchful eye over there. Keeping eye on everything.

Jay, how's life going? Man, it's going good, man. I'm fucking just working here all the time. Making sure y'all cheers. There's an order before y'all get it here.

Taking out the trash. I mean, y'all leave. Oh, y'all's in. I want to fucking floor. Stop that shit.

[ Laughter ] That's true. Y'all laugh. [ Laughter ] That's true.

Somebody's got to do it. One of the great door guys of the mothership. Jay, what's your personal life? Like, what are you doing out there? You look by yourself?

Oh, no. So, I have a house full. So, I got to baby my mom not with. She lived with me and I got my two kids. And that's why she there.

[ Laughter ] But you're not with the baby mama, but she lives with you. Yeah, I pair with all the bills and shit. And she there 'cause I come out and work nights.

So, I need somebody to take care of the kids. So, she useful. You have two kids with her. Yes, okay. Say your baby mom before you ask.

Yes. But you don't -- that was my next one. [ Laughter ] But you don't hook up with her at all. No, that's so toxic.

No, no, no, I'm scared. Because if another kid happens, I'm going to jump off with something. [ Laughter ] But you pay all the bills?

Yeah. You ever look at her and go, I am decoupting now. [ Laughter ] I see it. Maybe I said it weren't oral than anything.

That's horrible. I'm sorry. That's part of it. When you say it's a toxic relationship,

“can you give us some examples of what you mean exactly?”

Okay. So, she got this super depressive personality where she can't be happy about shit in life. And we know that it's going to go. Somebody say, "Oh, yeah."

Yeah, I already bought one. It's on the way, huh? [ Laughter ] Yeah. But I'm trying to make things happy

because I'm a comedian. I like laughing this shit. And she was like, "No, I'm cool with being depressed." And that can make for a toxic house.

and you expect somebody to be happy with that. She comes and be like, "You know you left the lights on. Well, it's I paid the bills in here. I get to fucking leave water. You're not going to sleep in the light.

How about that? You're damn right. You're damn right.

“So, you don't ever get to hook up with checks, huh?”

Ah, at their place, yeah. You can't come to my house. It's too much going on here. Right. You imagine having--

How old are the kids? Four and one. My son's four. My daughter's one. He got autism.

That's pretty cool. Oh, damn. It's cool. It's fun. He don't talk a lot. So, his house is quieter.

[ Laughter ] You got to think about the positives, dumbass. [ Laughter ] I love it. I love it.

I wish more you were autistic. I got a question. [ Laughter ] You? [ Laughter ]

What was the demise of your relationship with your baby mom? What was the demise?

It always was the depression shit.

I thought it would get better. Like, I was the type of guy with, like, I don't want to just walk out. This is my dad. We can't do a repeat shit.

“So, like, let's stick around and see if it could work out”

and if I could, like, try to talk greatest into her. And then after a while, I'm like, "No, I'm talking to a wall." And, uh, you kind of just be like, "All right, we're not going to figure this out." So, we just go out several ways.

Now, was she the one that famously left you with bags and boxes? Yeah, she was the one. I wrote a song before. That was how much I tried.

We remember the legendary song, but then you moved back in. No, she moved in with me. Oh, she's-- She's in with me.

She does she's straight too, because I ain't going to-- No, hey, they're wrong. She's in with me. Like, you live with your back? No, she live with me.

I'm not one of them. Slick a cow-sleeping baby daddy. So I'm fucking handle this shit.

It's amazing that you are trying so hard.

Yeah, good father. Yeah, thank you. Incredible. It's like, when you see, like, an Asian basketball player or something like that.

Like, it's like an instant. The opposite of the stereotype. Like, how did that Asian do that, man? You know that Asians are good at, like, ping-pong. Yeah.

You guys are good at walking out. Fucking breaking down barriers every day. It's incredible. I'm like, Jackie Robertson of Baby Des. Yep.

Yep. Every black person was a Jackie Robertson of the-- [LAUGHTER] Jackie Robertson was the Jackie Robertson. [LAUGHTER]

Jay, anything else crazy in life going on? I mean, not crazy. Yeah, I got some passion. The blackest shit about me is almost almost so for crack as a baby. That was insane.

Yeah, so I had 70-year-old parents. And they left with my crackhead grandma, and then they came back from working at Burger King. And my mom was like, where's my baby? And trying to get that answer from a crackhead is pretty hard hurt.

And my dad was a crack dealer. So he knew all the hotspot. So he was like, you chill out. And I'm going to find him. He came back like two hours later with me.

Crazy fucking. That is crazy story. I could have been with a better family. [LAUGHTER] How much did they try to fill you for?

I don't know.

“But I think it was like two fucking dime bags or whatever which--”

Back then, I was born in the 1990s. So I feel like with inflation, there would be like an eight ball, which is a lot of money. Yep. Yeah.

I was a spissive ass baby. This is like a proud. He's like a job. Incredible, Chiang. You are very charismatic.

Did you happen to hear any weird noises while you were up here? Did you notice anything? Ah, yeah. Don't give a fuck. See, I like the fucking fire detector.

I don't change the battery zone purpose. It's like white noise for me. It's like a little instrumental waiting to happen. It's a bit phenomenal for you. Funny that it's white noise to you because it's a black noise.

[LAUGHTER] Jay, you already have a big joke book, right? Yeah. Is it filled up? Yeah, it's filled up.

Okay, here's another black day legend. Get in the black one. Yeah, yeah. Little black baby, jokes about it. Day legend, everybody.

On to the next one. We're flying through it tonight. Your next bucket pool ladies and gentlemen goes by the name of Derek Larson. Everyone makes noise for Derek Larson.

[APPLAUSE] Hey, what's up, guys? I'm not from Texas.

When I first moved here, I thought I was going to have to learn

like the Texas Lingo. Right? So I started to say things like howdy I wrecked in. And you haul after somebody would say the inward. Yeah.

I learned pretty quick. That's not how people talk in Austin at all.

They say things like woken progressive.

“And if you live here long enough, you'll say the same kind of stuff too.”

Like the other day, this person walks by. I turned to my buddy. Go damn, dude. Check out the ass on that day then. Woo.

Now, a little about me. I have a pocket pussy. Yeah. Probably honest with you guys after use it a couple times. It starts to taste kind of weird.

Uh. Yeah. But hey, a chef should ever fear his own recipe. Am I right fellas? Yeah.

My pocket pussy's also brown. So you know when I'm using it, I'm yelling. You haul. All right. Yeah.

Cool. Yeah. I hooked up with this big girl recently. Yeah. Talk about a heavy sleeper.

All right. Fuck. Thank you. Derek Larson. All right.

This is your first time on the show, Derek?

Yes sir. Welcome. Welcome. How long have you been going to stand up? Like seven years on and off?

Oh. Yeah. Damn. When did you move here? Three years ago.

Three years ago. Where did you come from? Oh, we should all Kansas. Which one? Kansas.

Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, my God.

Okay, man. Does this anything ever? Yeah. Speak once every two months. I said which one.

He said where did you go? Where did you come from? Cont night show. Uh. Again.

Autism is spreading through the United States of America. It is an epidemic. Uh.

“Derek, which talk Kansas and what do you do for work?”

I am a rope access technician. So I like clean the high rises and stuff on ropes. Like cleaning windows, maintenance on ropes. Very nice. Uh, what's the highest you've ever been on a building?

Uh, park. On the one on the rain. It's one of the rainy new buildings. It's like 45 stories. It has an overhang which is.

It was scary. You ever thought about it? Uh. I got to go to work tomorrow. But yes.

No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. Right.

Let me ask you this. When you're out there cleaning windows. You know, I can tell you red band can tell you.

A lot of stuff goes down and you never know when you people are coming.

What's the craziest thing you've ever seen inside of one of these crazy windows? Oh, man.

“Uh, it's so, everybody has such great stories, minor.”

It's kind of gay. Uh, your voice just went gay just now. I don't know what up. It was a fun man. It was, so you like you drop.

And like, of course, they don't know we're coming. Right. I dropped on this window and it's very good. This dude was just jerking off on his couch and like he looked at me and made eye contact and like kept going.

I swear to God. I would have noted on the window and like, clean that bitch. Oh. We don't think you could see us. I think that's the main thing.

Like, I always think they, you can't see the reflections. We act. We try to like, make it seem like we don't see you going on. That was a day. He was like, bowl of a window washer come down here.

Yeah. It was going to be, yeah. It was so weird. It was weird situation. I mean, I got to finish.

I can't just drop that. I could just drop down. You enjoyed this. Yeah. It was new.

Yeah. You could mission impossible that go a little bit. It's got a little lower but you chose to stay there. You know what I would have done? You know, me.

I would have stared right at the guy started jerking off myself. Yeah. But I would have taken my repel rope and wrapped it once around my neck. I'm in a crazy shit. There's a certain level of success where you hit.

Where you can't just come like a normal person anymore. I have to absolutely be getting choked out by something. What is that cost? What is it called? What is it?

I call a pooling a David Carradine. What is it called? That's a freak. Anybody could pronounce that as a fucking freaky motherfuck. Yeah.

Autorotic is fixation. Michael Gonzalez, our resident king. Okay. So Derek, give us a crazy fun fact about your life. Which is talk Kansas.

You got some Hillbilly parents? No. My parents are pretty cool. I was a pretty bad drinker. Well, I've had a drinking pump for like seven years.

And recently I like to stop finally.

What made you stop? My parents came and visited. And I was like, what? You guys know where I live? No.

No. There was like that. It was like a very hard to heart. Like how bad was it? Were you drinking the day?

Yeah. It was so. Basically every night, drinking about half a bottle of whiskey. Wow. Yeah.

It got pretty bad to where it was every night.

Obviously.

“But I would wake up still drunk and be like, this is horrible.”

Yeah.

And then seven years later, I'm like, I'm going to do something about it.

Yeah. Awesome. How old are you again? I'm 31. Like, yeah.

Like, there you go. There's still time, right, band? You just get a bigger bottle of whiskey. Get one of those big Costco jugs. Well, I had like a legit, where I would buy the small bottle.

Because I'm like drinking out of the bottle. And then I'd fill it up with the big bottle. So I'd like buy the big bottle and just keep refilling the small bottles. Oh, yeah. You went a problem.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I think it was a problem. Because I would just say home and drink.

So I'm like, I'm not hurting anybody. But it turns out it hurt myself. Amazing. Worse, night of drinking you ever had. Would you ever hit a bottom before you kept going?

I, one time, I got drunk. And I took my, I obviously can't just get cold and it snows. I didn't realize that when people made snowman like after a couple days, it turns into pure ice.

Me and my buddy got drunk one night.

We just plowed through snowmen through people's yards. In my car. Yeah. Fuck my car up. Oh, yeah.

And now we were so drunk. We were like, he's just so fun.

“And then the next day, I'm like, oh, my God.”

My dad's going to beat the shit out of me. Wow. Incredible. Yeah. Oh, what's your love life like there?

No, I'm existing. I have been a girlfriend a long time. Have you kissed a girl since you moved Austin? I've, yeah. I've moved for three years ago.

So I felt perfect. Yeah. I mean, yeah. You got to snag one every now and again. Yeah.

Get him on six to three. Why they're, yeah. And comprehendable. I don't know. I've got some.

Sorry. Get him with your rope. Come here, bitch. Yeah. I love it.

Well, Derek, fun times. Here's a, uh, who's a joke book? How about a hand for Derek Larsson, everybody? Thank you so much, man. Go.

All right. We're flying through it tonight. Um, here's your next, uh, bookable. You guys have been fun out there? All right.

Thanks for joining us for your next one. It's Nick Kano, everybody. Nick Kano is next on. I was talking to my black friend the other day on the phone. And he was ignoring me.

It's really pissing me off. So I was like, you know what, man? Fuck you. Go to hell. You don't go to black hell.

And I got his attention. Yeah. He turned around real quick. He'll black hell is crazy, bro. Is it?

You guys think hell's not segregated? It's run by the fucking devil. If the most evil guy of all time, what do you think black hell would be like?

“Just more every day finding out you are the father forever?”

Yeah. Baby's name is smoke detector.

Always needs batteries, you know?

There's gay hell. There's two levels of gay hell. There's top and bottom. Hell yeah. Not homophobic.

I just hate people that love the gossip. [laughter] Japanese hell would just be Vietnamese heaven? [laughter] I don't know.

I think Mexican hell is actually frozen over right now because of all that ice. I'm just really glad I don't have to go to Indian hell. Can you imagine how bad that place fucking smells? Holy shit.

Thank you so much, guys. Fuck yeah. I can't. Thicken with one bit for a full minute. Great stuff, man.

How long have you been on stand-up? You're in half. You're in half. All of it in Austin? Uh, at four worth.

Okay, that's relive now. Yeah, sure. Awesome. What do you do for work? Yeah.

I think I have comedy club in four worth. Okay. Perfect. I actually feel like I'm in black hill listening to these jokes. [laughter]

Oh my god, I'm in black hill. In black hill every month. What the fuck? Am I doing? [laughter]

You didn't have to start with black hill. You could have ended up using the clothes of black hill. I should have. But I feel like that would be more disrespectful. You know, it is black history month.

You know, put him in the front of the joke. Instead of the back of the buzzers. You know? There he goes. There it is.

That was fun. Yeah, I'm in black heaven right now. That was a funny joke. Nick, tell us more about your life. What if necessary?

You look like you could be fucking at it free. [laughter] I've been told I look ambiguous and I'm fucking hated. I'm 100% Mexican. You look like a big mouth character for sure.

I fucking wasted. I've been told I look ambiguous and I'm fucking hated. I'm 100% Mexican. You look like a big mouth character for sure. Oh, going on with your buddy.

I'm fucking wish. I'd probably get pussy. [laughter] Wow. So you're 100% Mexican?

Yeah. What are your parents like? They are dead. Wow. How did they die?

My mom had like a fucking brain aneurysm. How did your dad die? My dad died. Funny story, guys. I tried to kill myself one time and my dad misses dialysis.

So one day he woke up having a heart attack and I was still overdosing

So I had to drive him like 120 miles an hour until like 30 minutes away. Hospital took the wrong turn and he died in the car. Wow.

That's one of the most amazing answers to a question.

I've ever gotten on the show. So how long ago did that happen? That was in 2018. 2018. Yeah.

So I'd imagine you felt a lot of guilt. Oh yeah. It definitely didn't help at all that I was high the whole time. You know, annoying is to be walking up at all by your parents. Imagine being like stone high off of zenics and your dad's like having a heart attack.

What the fuck are you talking about dude? I was freaking out. I hated it. So I just delved into it more and went to jail and chew it. Right.

“I think his heel is a lot worse than black heel.”

Yeah. That's how he-- That's how he-- That's how he-- Good heel is a mother.

That's why I go to church now. Yeah. Do you go to church now? No, that's a lie. Oh, okay.

[ Laughter ] You're a funny guy, Nick. Thank you. That's what it takes. It takes a lot of darkness.

People with two dead parents are always very funny.

It's like-- I agree. Everybody should kill their parents. There you go. We got--

We got-- If you want to make a big-- You heard of what he first. That's right. Amazing.

What other trauma do you have in life? Because you said your parents were dead like it was nothing. [ Laughter ] I actually do the show called trauma dumping because it was a bunch of bullshit.

This girl one time, I took her to go see Sam Talon and Hainas and she threw up all over me and told me she was cheating on me. Wow. And then said, "I asked her why and she goes,

"I just find them more attractive than you "and every way possible." So I lost like a hundred pounds. And yeah, it started being really mean to your else. You started being really mean to girls?

Yeah. Oh, my God. And what? Tell us about that. [ Laughter ]

Like, I don't know. It's very not supposed to hook up with comments because it makes things really weird. Like, speak for yourself. [ Laughter ]

And if-- You make anything really weird. Yeah, I do. Sushi-shay. Wait, do you know what Sushi-shay means?

No, no. I do. Cool. Okay, go. I just--

You know what? I just learned how to say. You know, if you kill yourself tonight, I wouldn't give a fuck. I want to give a fuck either.

The guy to hit-- God, I'm going to tell him to bring it back, so you can shoot yourself right in the fucking temple. I'll send you a letter of what have I ended up in. Yeah.

Okay. God damn it. I love you, dude. Yeah. Amazing.

Nick, before I let you go, what-- No, let go! [ Laughter ] There you get the fuck out of here, babe.

I love 'em. There's some rope on the balcony now.

Just fucking just to be the first time I walk before you do, man.

Hey! Nick, please tell me what I do. Listen, look how much better I make this garbage as comedian. Now he's got his rhythm, it's dark.

We're having fun, and I appreciate that. And what I found for that is something--

“It feels like you need to be pushing the corner”

to really be funny. You are coming from a dark place. And I think it's something to be said to have as much tragedy as you had in your life to be able to make fun of it.

Even though I'm the butt of your jokes, I'm here in problem with that. But something sparked you to be funny because the other shit you did was very suicidal. Now you're going to live.

[ Laughter ] Let's find out. [ Laughter ] Nick, cano, I love your style. Love your jokes.

Amazing stuff. Here's a big joke book. Great stuff. [ Laughter ] Fuck outta here.

That's racist. That's racist. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] Nick, cano, everybody.

[ Cheers and applause ] Nick, cano, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] I just mottumbled his whole dreams. [ Laughter ]

That's too damn what they forgot. Well, this is very exciting. It looks like a new name. Makes him know his ladies and gentlemen for Randolph Davies, everybody.

Randolph. [ Cheers and applause ] Oh, okay. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] No way. No way. [ Laughter ] No way.

[ Laughter ]

“That's what I said when my masseuse told me”

she farted in my mouth while I was asleep. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] I was, uh... I'm down the road with accounting crows for about 35 years.

[ Laughter ] Now, you see a lot of stuff. You get a lot of, uh, things get you down.

And I went to this, I used to get a massage from this girl. She, uh, started having too many seizures. I had to, uh, stop using her. But, uh, so I got a new girl bigger girl. Fat, you can say.

[ Laughter ] And, uh, while that would push up on top of me, I was getting a massage, getting relaxed, fell asleep. And I wake up, and, uh, and she goes, "Hey, sorry about the fart."

[ Laughter ] And I said, uh, "What?"

And first, I thought she was blaming me, you know,

blaming me, you know, like, "Sorry about the, you couldn't control your asshole." You know? And then I said, uh, I said, "My bed has a mind of its own." She goes, "No, no, I'm the one that farted." [ Laughter ]

"I'm the farter." Is what she said. I said, "I don't know why you would, you know, turn yourself in after you rub the bank." [ Laughter ]

That's not going to help your reviews. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to go online and say, "Teen is super honest. I love that." [ Laughter ]

And if you fall asleep with the rat moment, you'll put a little secret in your mouth for free. All right, that's all my time. Thank you so much. [ Cheers and applause ] Wow! Brand-off babies!

[ Cheers and applause ] Unbelievable. I've never... [ Laughter ] I mean, what, you know?

[ Laughter ]

This is incredible, unbelievable execution,

a writing, timing, beats, it all seems genuine. The cowboy hat doesn't fit here at the top here. [ Laughter ] But you seem like you got a lot of stories, pal. I could tell you if you...

[ Laughter ] Wow! What was working with the counting crows for that long, like? Well, it was basically the, uh, got a tune in guitars.

Get 'em drugs. Find, uh, find restaurants. You know, that were fun to go to. Get 'em pad tie whenever they need it, you know? Yeah.

[ Laughter ] One time, uh, one time we were in New Jersey, and in verse and I went to a regular massage parlour. [ Laughter ]

“And, uh, you can always tell when it's not, you know?”

The marquee is just a little bit, you know, worn down, kind of like the, the people inside, you know? [ Laughter ] And we get in there and, uh, in right away, I don't want to do the accent, but you know who was, you know?

[ Laughter ] And, uh, she said something I didn't understand, and, uh, I knew what it meant though, you know what I was saying. There was a twinkle in her eye. Like she, you know, like she was down to clown, you know?

[ Laughter ] So, Adam and I went in, and they only had one room, so we had to be in there together. And, uh, well, long story short, we, uh, we both got jerked off at the same time.

[ Laughter ] And, uh, this was two days before Christmas. I learned -- I looked over to him and I said, "Boy, this is quite the long December," you know? [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] Wow. Randolph Davies has arrived in the Keltoni Universe. I've noticed that almost everyone of your jokes and stories revolve around getting them a song.

[ Laughter ] Well, you know, life gets hard. Don't you get a relax.

“And, uh, it's the only way for me to shut down mentally and physically.”

So, some people -- you know, I'll play with Xbox Live from time to time. [ Laughter ] Wow. Free Britney 69, if you want to find me on Xbox Live. [ Laughter ]

That's your handle. Free Britney -- is that -- for Britney Spears? Uh, no, for Britney Grener. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] Oh, we picked up the toothpick and right back in the mouth.

This is a true road dog. Lord knows this thing ain't been worse places than I have. [ Laughter ] Wow. Randolph, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? First time.

This is your first time.

First time ever on stage.

Absolutely worked continuous beats on the audience. Like a pro. Like someone that's been doing it for decades. Absolutely incredible. What made you want to -- how old are you?

55. What made you want to start standing up here on Kiltoni tonight at 55? Well, you know, life gets crazy, Tom. [ Laughter ]

“I've been in a living to make it live for about the last 14 years, right?”

[ Laughter ] My wife -- my wife and my ex-wife became friends. We opened up a winery called Oops. [ Laughter ] Which I know sounds like a joky beverage establishment,

but it's actually -- you know, it's kid-friendly. We have -- we'll petting zoo and all that shit, you know. But my point is, you know, I just -- I traveled everywhere. I've done everything and I just figured, you know, shit. It's either, you know, fuck a guy or do you stand up at this point.

Wow. You came to the right show, buddy. Hey, App. [ Laughter ] I like it, boy.

I like her. I like her. I like her. [ Laughter ] I got a question for you.

You say this is your first time doing stand-up.

That's for us, sir. But it's obvious that you -- you had some jokes that you prepared.

“How long did you think about doing stand-up before you decided you actually going to do it?”

[ Laughter ] Well, you know, I was told there'd be no pop quizzes on this show. [ Laughter ] I'm just trying to get people to know -- I just want -- I was trying to --

I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. [ Laughter ]

This is why I don't want to have Kim Kiddick Vice to try to -- No, no, no. I reach -- I reach a loud and clear impression. [ Laughter ] You know, it's one of those things, again, I've done it all.

I've been around the moon and back, you know. Yeah. And you just get to a point where you go at what else is there to do. But also, I got so many stories. I don't want to put them in a book.

You know, nobody reads books anymore. [ Laughter ] They're listening to the book or they want to go see the book live and film for them. You're at the hospital. How fucking long did it take you to decide if this something you really wanted to do?

About 15 minutes. About 15 minutes. Okay. [ Laughter ] You see -- you see -- you see -- you see -- you see --

You see -- I'm not a guy. I'm not a guy. No, no, no, that does. [ Laughter ] I don't --

He's paying attention. He's paying attention. [ Laughter ] I'm -- I'm a fan. I'm not a -- I'm not a guy that likes to plan ahead.

Life throws so much at you.

“Life -- life is -- I mean, I -- I'm -- you know, I'm dated girls.”

I -- you know, I fucked -- pregnant girls. I fucked. [ Laughter ] I fucked a girl with, you know. I'm -- man, she had cervical cancer for about a month.

What was that, like? Can you describe that type? The sex was unbelievable. [ Laughter ] Because she thought that was -- you know,

she thought this was a rap, you know, so we -- we got to do everything. You know, she beat it. [ Laughter ] She beat it. Shout out to Jill.

[ Laughter ] Wow. Absolutely incredible. And the pregnant women -- they -- you said women -- plural ran off babies.

I did, didn't I? Yeah, you did. [ Laughter ] What's that, like?

I've never been with a pregnant woman.

Is there something that you notice that's different than a pregnant woman than a woman that isn't pregnant? I mean, look, that's, you know. That's, like, asking someone to explain the plot of Indiana Jones in the last crusade.

[ Laughter ] You know what I'm saying? You want to know, but you don't have time. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] You have any fun stories about Courtney Cox?

“I thought you were going to ask me to do the secret show.”

[ Laughter ] I don't know about you. I'm a secret show. [ Laughter ] Now, I'm busy. I'm busy. [ Laughter ]

Can't make it to the sea. So -- Gotta get a warp removed. [ Laughter ] I knew I got a warp on my finger.

It was pregnant bitches, guys. So -- [ Laughter ] Wow. What was the question, Brian? Do you ever have any fun stories about Courtney Cox, you know,

about the county crews? Yeah, a party with Courtney a couple of times. This is pre-friends. And she's wild. Spunky. Yeah.

People always say Matthew Perry was a crazy one,

because of the whole hot tub thing. But no, she -- Courtney Cox was spunky, adventurous. Always -- every other day, like you want to go bungee jump in her,

you know, go down to -- go down to Yoshi Noia. You know what Yoshi Noia is? It's a fast food Chinese restaurant. Yeah. I mean, it's -- they should call it E. Coli City. For me, that was -- she's a risk taker, right?

[ Laughter ] But us are tickets once. Yeah? Beautiful. And I don't want to say, like, that's, you know,

I don't know her personally because of that. But I -- you know, once you see someone have naked, you can get a little bit more familiarity, right? Always a question, again, Brian. The perfect answer. Now, you can handle --

It was great. Very funny. You nailed it. It's super-rody for the county crews for 35 years. That's right. Imagine you know how to play the guitar, right?

Are there any other instruments or special skills or talents that you have? [ Laughter ] It was an auctioneer for a little bit. [ Laughter ]

You know, mostly, you know, there's high coos, you know, my -- I don't know if you -- Well, have, I guess he's -- you know, he's an RIP. He's not -- he's dead to me. But he's a -- [ Laughter ]

Shout out to Nathan, but he's -- you know, he's -- Just went down the wrong path, as we all do at some point, and he just needs to find his way back, you know,

and to go and down to his little slam poetry things

“and no offense, but there are, you know,”

one too many Indian people down there, you know, which is fine. I just had -- you know,

it's -- they're always coming up, you know, big county defense,

you know, they need people. So just a lot of questions from my side of things, and I just -- you know, when it'd be out in joy, support my nephew, and here I am, you know, oh, yeah, no -- I was at Sarasota 2, sir, you know.

But yes, so, uh, spoken -- you know, if you guys want to hit me with a little -- and well, something I can give you a little bit of a -- the slam poetry that I used to -- Oh, hell, yeah, I think a little bit.

I could -- I could listen to you and talk to you all day random off Davies, let it rip. Something in the key of E. [ Laughter ] But also dealer's choice, you know, it's your show.

[ Laughter ]

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Randolph Davies,

the Kiltowni debut of Randolph Davies. [ Laughter ] Well, I was driving drunk again down the 405.

“Couldn't quite remember if I wanted to be alive.”

So I opened up my book, and I remembered what Captain Hook said and Peter Pan. He said, "Give me all them boys. Give me all them girls. I'm going to take them to the plank and watch them --

vanilla swirl down into the ocean. Deep inside the ocean. There might be sharks -- look out. Big ol' fish and trout. Baby, we can get back to land and find my friend Stan.

He has the drugs. Stan always had drugs. I'll tell you this, what? Stan gave me a pill one time, and I danced with a coconut tree for an hour and a half.

Ooh, ooh, she could move. [ Laughter ] She could groove. [ Laughter ] But one thing I learned in this life,

at 55 years old, is that even through a pandemic, mold is mold. So throw that peanut butter in the trash. It ain't good no more.

I'm allergic to gluten, by the way. All right, that's it. Thank you so much. That's it, Adam. Randolph Davies.

[ Cheers and applause ] Randolph, I got to tell you, every once in a while, an absolute saint comes around. My friend, you are the newest golden ticker winner

here on television. [ Cheers and applause ] Randolph, take that with you. Randolph Davies, ladies and gentlemen,

an absolute phenom. [ Cheers and applause ] I'm sure we'll be seeing more of Randolph in the very near future. Absolutely incredible.

[ Cheers and applause ] All right, well, you guys --

“This is the greatest show in the world or what, huh?”

[ Cheers and applause ] Oh, there's Heidi. All right, let's get another buck of pull up here. Make some noise for Pat O'Neill, everybody. Pat O'Neill.

[ Cheers and applause ] Folks, I was watching Batman earlier, and it really got me thinking, you know? 'Cause Bruce Wayne, his alter ego is Batman, inspired by his paralyzing fear of bats.

So, I guess then my superhero name would be black man. [ Cheers and applause ] Man, okay. And considering how many of these superheroes get their power from radiation,

not nearly enough of them, or Japanese. [ Laughter ] Come on, Asian jokes are short-sighted, and what do I know? Until Oppenheimer came out,

I thought Nagasaki was about black blow jobs. [ Cheers and applause ] Speaking of overreaction, Somos really brought a knife to a fucking space laser fight. She had a control.

I'll never understand how conflict in the Middle East

Considering half of them feast the same way five times a day. Fucking sneak up behind them. Problem solved. You are welcome, Jews. Okay, thank you.

Wow, Pat O'Neill has done it again. [ Cheers and applause ] You are one of the funniest people Pat. How's life going, buddy? All right.

How about you? Great Pat, I'm great. Pat looks like this all the time, by the way. This isn't a character or anything like that. [ Laughter ]

He looks in sound suicidal, but I would try to save his life. [ Laughter ] I'm telling you, I don't know too much about you, whatever.

But you have a very funny, funny energy.

It always reminds me of how we Mendel,

how we Mendel first started, right? He had this nervous energy, and he worked with it. This about first time, I'm saying you, but you look funny, you sound funny, and you're funny. Hey, remember the last time you're on,

you wanted to fuck that trans girl. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ]

I agree, sir. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I'm sorry, Tom, I'm sorry. You know what?

That's funny, I'll just leave it at that. [ Laughter ] My DM's already blown up, I don't need no more. Tom, your Tony's in my motherfuckin' DM,

“but I do remember that time where I misspoke.”

[ Laughter ] And I'd say it's something that was inappropriate. That's what I remember. But just still funny. Thank you, thank you, Tom.

Did you fuck that trans girl? I fucking let's get to it together, I don't know. Oh, hell yeah. Look at that.

Someone ordered a charcuterie board.

There's three types of crazy meat at this party. Pat, what is your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that would fuck almost anything. Matt, out of the dating game, doing that thing lately where you'll whack off her hours before finishing.

Ooh, yeah. How about that? What's that? What's it called again? Oh, yeah, Coke.

I'm doing a lot of Coke hanging out. [ Laughter ] Tough to come on Coke. [ Laughter ] Wow.

Incredible. Where are you? Well, how often are you doing Coke hanging out? No, I don't know. No.

No? Yes. No, not anymore. Not anymore. Divated septum.

Oh. Better to go to sleep. Never. Yeah.

You're such a funny guy, Pat.

“Are you getting on stage a lot here in Austin?”

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. What do you do for work?

I got fired two weeks ago. Who fired from a mortgage company? What did you do to get fired? Um. [ Laughter ]

Cocaine. Yeah. [ Laughter ] That's how the septum got deviated. Yes.

I understand the nature of the show, but I have like a severance thing where I'm getting paid. So I like -- Literally cannot -- Perfect answer.

I'm sorry. No, it's great. No, I love it. Saying I understand the nature of the show, but I have a severance thing is actually the best answer.

I think we've ever gotten for -- I can't be homeless. Sorry. It's fantastic. You already look at it.

You can't actually live it. [ Laughter ] Tell us something else crazy about your life, Pat. How did you end up like this? Are your parents dead, too?

My dad is. Yes. There you go. That is a door knob. What's your dad die?

A liver cirrhosis at age 40. Oh, wow. My God.

“How much was he drinking to get that at 40?”

A lot. Yeah. All day? Yes. Yes.

Amazing. I ask these questions because I like to have a few drinks tonight. I get scared. I'm a little hypochondriac. 40.

That's amazing. How old was he when he had you? I don't know. How old were you when he died? Let's put it that way.

16, I think. Okay. How old are you now? You look like you could be any. [ Laughter ]

Somehow still looks 16. You lost it. 29. 29. Perfect.

20. Jesus. Yes. You guys might not be able to hear it over the podcast. But the entire crowd just gasped.

And all said different words. Very rude audience. [ Laughter ] Make these fuckers laugh. Pat, you are absolutely hilarious.

We love you here on the show. [ Cheers and applause ] Keep coming back. All day and two, good. How do you want?

More than anything in the world. Really? My whole life. Yeah. Well, I just get the only one I have up here away.

I won't bother you to be on a lot. You know, we got another one. Fuck you, Pat, O'Neil. You just want to go and check it out. There you go.

[ Cheers and applause ] There you go. You can invite him to do the secret show. All right. Well, it's good when you do it on the mic.

But there you go. He's got a gig on Thursday. I'm going to sell this shit on Facebook Marketplace for sure. [ Laughter ]

“Honestly, I think he was dessert for a long time ago.”

He's won the full course. Yes. I completely agree. I completely agree. It takes a lot to do that as a normal white guy nowadays.

And he always absolutely knocks it out of the park.

How about one more time for Pat O'Neil, everybody? There are golden-sick-a-winners on this show that leave a bail. Sometimes we can squeeze them into the show. And then there are regulars, ladies and gentlemen. Your next comedian is a regular.

And there is a big difference between regulars and golden-sick-a-winners. There's regulars after write a new minute every single week. This is one of those guys. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas.

Make some fucking noise for the winner-only. This is a brand new set for the Kendrick Flynn. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, me and my white roommate, I had to go do a show in Marvel Falls, Texas. It's not a real place, even though I went there.

And when the sun went down, I looked at my roommate. I said, I think it's time for us to go. I think that's the rules out here. And so we start driving back. And the shit looked on the way.

There's no street lights.

It looked like when you meet the devil.

And then they could charge.

“He challenged you to play guitar for your soul.”

So what we driving, I looked at him and I said, "Yo, I got a P on the P in this Gatorade bottle." And then he looked at me. His white ass said, "I'll just pull over." No nigga, you're not.

We're not stopping here. And then he was like, "What are you scared? Like a mountain lion's gon' cump get you." I said, "Niggin' that's best case scenario." [ Laughter ]

Worst case scenario, a white guy. You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ] Wrong turn. Now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten.

Like, I don't care what you say. If y'all was in the woods, and you saw a white guy just appeared the whole time in your head. You're like, "I wish this nigga was a grizzly bear." [ Laughter ]

Because they have shit for bears. They got a shit called bear mace. You spray it on the bear and the bear get the fuck away. There's a hundred videos that they've been working. There's twice as many videos of a white guy walking through bear mace.

“And getting tass still trying to make a point.”

And I told that bitch to bring my soul over there. Nick, I don't want to do that. That's just scary. And if we be honest, nigga, the scariest bears are white. [ Laughter ]

Paula bears don't know all they do is kill. nigga, that's just my biggest fears running to a Paula bear with no Coca-Cola. [ Laughter ] I just let me change that. My biggest fears running to a Paula bear with Pepsi, nigga, that.

Now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten by a guy. They're on Paula bear. That's my time. I love y'all. [ Cheers and applause ]

Now I'm getting raped and slowly eaten by a guy. They're on Paula bear. That's my time. I love y'all. [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Now I want this interesting because I've said this before, this is one of the best -- this reminded me of back of day with Dev Jam where it was a platform where people that you didn't see get to perform. I saw you -- you pulled up. I don't know. I'll go read this for something.

And I think I commented. You did on your page. And I said, "I said original. I said authentic." And I said something else for you.

You said I was really funny. It was a great written joke. And it was authentic. And this is a real comic. I know 'cause I screenshot and I said it to my mom on TV.

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] I said that even though with this joke, you get some dots. But it also gives everybody an opportunity to do their shit. So for me to come and see you, I was like, "Oh, that's my fucking -- just randomly I saw this shit."

Because you don't always see that.

So not just because you black, you're funny guy. You're a original man and I wish you the best. You're going to be a big -- I love you, man. [ Cheers and applause ] Marble false, huh?

Yeah. How far is that? 45 minutes in the wrong direction? [ Laughter ] I'm pretty sure 45 minutes any direction

in Austin's the wrong direction. I see what I got to airport 'cause you need to get the fuck over. That's who was terrified. I thought he was going to get pulled over the whole time.

And I don't want to get -- 'cause the cops in Texas, these niggas is like four generation cops. Like, my daddy was a sheriff and his daddy was a sheriff. And I don't want no niggas with the athletic ability to see that I'm doing crime.

Okay? Oh, yeah, yeah. Shut up. [ Laughter ] The police.

The police loved me. Ah, y'all good. Y'all good. Bugs about the other ones. [ Laughter ]

“What's the worst run in with the cops that you've had to drink?”

Ooh, shit. [ Laughter ] These -- they -- all right. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I do deserve to get caught doing crime.

[ Laughter ] Especially if you smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's -- that's -- So we were still in front of the --

We were still in front of the gas station when we was kids. And we thought we could run away. But they don't teach you as a kid. You can't run a cop car. And that nigga just pulled over there.

He pulled me and my brother's over there. Like slammed us on the ground. We were like seven, eight years old. And at the old time, he was like, "What did you take?" And I was like, "Oh, nigga, I took some gum."

And he was like, "Bro, I can seal pockets." And I didn't see that. I had like flame on hot cheetos and one pocket. I had a hole. So I was like, "You guys are easy.

They can't solve me. I wasn't a good stealer." So I started selling drugs. [ Laughter ] Started selling drugs at seven or eight years old.

Yeah. They need them. The hustle starts early. Amazing. Dedrick is from Atlanta, Georgia.

You have any history in Atlanta? Not did I want to talk about? You did. You had did the lab at school one time.

“And I came out because Yohan said Collins brought me out”

to the lab at the school. And I had did that Oreo joke. And he was like, "When I walk back, it was that nigga was dying. I laughed in that joke."

And I cried in the green room until you walk back in. Because I was laughing at that joke. Yeah. You loved it. I was really good then too.

[ Laughter ] No, it's safe to say that. I'm telling you. You just popped up at my timeline. Yeah.

A lot of times I like boo, boo, boo, boo.

But then in the fact that this was the second time

that I listened or heard you tell jokes. And I appreciate it. That's not that I'm the fucking god to this shit. But I really appreciate it. Obviously, I've been appreciate what you've been doing

from the longest time. Because I haven't been in the lab for a long time. That was a long time ago. Because you pissed off because you wanted the cowboys to lose. So you could talk shit to shit.

Shut the man to god. Exactly. That's it. Exactly. That's it.

Oh, God, two of things. I should go having this. I believe product wearing this. Should be shimmy cocoa pop by the fuck. I'm sorry.

Shut the man. We're that odds with each other. Yeah. Trevor Wallace.

“What is it like to be inside of an Oreo cookie right now?”

[ Laughter ] That'd be double stuff, eh. [ Laughter ] I'm like, I mean, it sucks the situation right here. There's no way you can go the back and forth.

You got deaf comedy jam to your sides. And blind comedy jam behind it. [ Laughter ] Dead drink. You are the fucking man.

We're going to keep it moving. Dead drink. It's done it again. Dead drink. Dead drink.

Dead drink. Dead drink. Dead drink. Onward we go. Oh, look at this name.

This looks new. Interesting. Makes a noise for your next bucket pull ladies and gentlemen. It has been Chanzo Marassio. Been Chanzo Marassio.

[ Applause ] I got a confession to make guys. [ Laughter ]

The first time I ever heard of LGBTQ+.

Thought it was like a fancy way of saying, "I want everything on my burger." [ Laughter ] Turns out it's a fancy way of saying, "You love everything up your ass."

[ Laughter ] I'm from the East Coast and I'm a foodie. So the first time I heard of grinder, I thought it was an app for sandwiches. Turns out it's for Dix.

Yeah. So I came in the dudes mouth. I was like, "Where's the sandwich?" When does it show up? I'm way hungrier and a lot more yay now.

Yeah. I really didn't know that guy was gay. Told about a week later. He texted me. He was like, "Do you want to go to a Dallas Cowboy's football game?"

That was it. That's been my time. Thank you guys. Chanzo Marassio. Marassio.

Marassio was the most interesting way to come out of the closet I ever see to my life. Yeah. He said, "Oh, but I was so I thought this guy's dick." It didn't poop.

Okay. Yeah, it was interesting. It was almost all gay sandwich themed. First joke was about a burger. The next one was about a sandwich,

but both were gay jokes. Not gay if you want to. So crazy. I've only ever eaten black pussy. Really?

Yeah. I've slept with white girls.

Never got around eating their pussy.

How did you get around to eating a black pussy?

I just hooked up with a lot of black chicks. A lot of black... I like me. Really? I like them.

It's better seasoned. Yeah. Yeah. Lots of flavor. Red band.

I shouldn't be laughing to this shit, but I was like... So... How many black pussy do you think you'd be eating?

“And why do I feel like you're talking about actual cats?”

No, no, no. Probably three dozen. Yeah, definitely. Three dozen black pussy. Yeah.

How many of dozen? The majority of chicks I've hooked up with are black. Yeah. I think you can say it. Yeah.

Some of them do want me to hit times. How? You think you'd be eating ballpark 36 black pussy? 100%. Yeah.

Really? Oh, yeah. But not one white one? No.

How many white women do you think you've had sex with?

Not a lot. Less than 10. Less than 10. How many black women do you think you've had sex with? Probably close to 50.

Wow. Where are you? I want to see you selling two. Oh, here we go. Fitness just said this right here.

The black of the berry. Sweet of the juice. Yes, he's a handsome black pussy. Oh, come on. That's entry level.

Let's do another one. Wu-Tang, plant team. All right. Well, you get the covers. Oh, you know what?

Let's end this game. Yeah. Jesus Christ Almighty. This shows out a fucking control. It takes me wonder how many black pussy's Randolph Davies is eaten.

So how many black pussy's have you? Shut up. We can currently face that way. How many black pussy's that way? You can tell you that way.

Fintenzio shut the fuck up. What do you do for work? I work at the Vulcan now. Oh, you're a Vulcan gas company. Uh, you're a door guy there?

Yep. Okay. What did you do before that? I sell sports cards and Pokemon cards and stuff like that. Pokemon cards.

In that got you black pussy. Yeah. You've seen a holographic bitch. Oh. I got a supplier for the loboboos.

Wow. Okay. In Chenzio, in Chenzio. You've been on the show before, correct? What do we find out during that interview?

Oh, just that I've been working out. Lost almost a hundred pounds recently. How did you do that? Thank you guys. How did I do it?

Yeah. Only eating black pussy. Yeah. Literally. She gets stressed out.

It was a lot of weight. How did you lose the weight? Running and eating salad. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

Salad's a chick for me. Salads at chick for me. Because I've been on the road doing a little bit of comedy and stuff trying to eat healthy. Fucking get salads at fast food places. Try to do shit like that.

Do a smart shit you can. You know, the fuck eat a bunch of black pussy through. That's okay. Is there anything else interesting? He's a star.

“It was not a lot of black pussy in his audience, right?”

I did get two beautiful white girls to show me their tits in front of the sunset strip. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It was odd.

Almost tense. Everyone loves homeless tits. They're like only fans girls. Fans here, whatever. Fucking.

It was dope. All right. Benchins. Ellie James. Okay.

All right. Benchins. There we go. No. Benchins.

How'd you get him to show it? And talk slowly. So they asked me how many black pussy's I had eaten. No. There.

Benchins. I'm going to get you out of here. He's a little black chokebook. You can punch on later. There he goes.

Benchinsio Maracio. We're going to keep it moving along here. All right. We're having fun here. This is a three word name.

Makes a noise for Jerry Dibosmith. Jerry Dibosmith. Everyone. I like to eat pussy. But don't get me confused with these young dudes.

Eat NAS calling it groceries. That's not groceries. That's chitin' us and you niggas need to stop. That is chitin' us and you niggas need to stop. That is chitin' us.

“I think a lot of dudes eat ass because they still don't know what the clitoris is.”

But I do. And because then I have two rules, ladies. Like the first one is if I can smell it before you take your pants off, I'm not eating that shit.

And they always get mad at you when you tell them that they pussy's thing.

Like they don't know. Like, but you knew that pussy smell like a 91 degree day in Puerto Rico before you came over here. And the second one is if you ever had an abortion. Yeah, always lose people on that part. But fuck that, somebody got murdered in there.

My tongue, my choice bitch. Thank you. There you go. Jerry Dibosmith. Were you gonna do a pussy eating joke before?

And it's shit when he was talking about pussy like he gets on that old. He says that he does. He says that he's eaten 36 black pussy's. What do you think about that dude? You think he's a white liar.

And y'all believe that shit. Look at that fat motherfucker. He ain't no black pussy. Do you eat black pussy? Exclusively.

You've never eaten a white pussy?

No, no. When you say hell, no, like that. Why? Uh, because a couple of months ago, I was going to tick talk with an ex or white girl. If you take a shot won't win, they win the next time you take a shot.

With his bitch saying Friday, fuck that shit. Because of one. No. White women don't watch every day, fuck that shit. You think that's a thing?

I know that's a thing. White women, is that true? Of course they're going to say it. Why do you want camera? Them bitches sitting on crappy paddies. Junk y'all.

That was a split this shit. H.D. stripper showers, though, where they take like butt wipes and clean air. Okay, red band.

“That's not good. That's why your ass looked like that.”

Do you look a little inflamed? A little small one. Hey, dude. A little bit swollen. Jerry Debo Smith, what do you do for work?

I'm just a comedian. I was all I do for work.

Love that. How long have you been doing it?

15 years. 15 years. We're at what part of Antonio. Oh, San Antonio. I'm a really strong Washington DC.

What's up, brother? All right. Why come you guys said hi like that after DC was brought up? That's the city, chocolate city baby. Don't let them in.

I'm not fucking with him. Jerry Debo Smith. So your middle name? No, my middle name is Duane Debo is my dick name. I just used that for my stage name.

See what name? My dick name. I thought you said something else. Duane is my middle name. So we called that's the government.

I have friends. I didn't even know who they real name was. One of my friends name is his name is 40. They call him Germaine. And his girl was like, have you seen Germaine?

I was like, who the fuck is Germaine?

I know 40. But in the black community, I just watched your government.

“If I asked your government, what did you respond with?”

My government is Jerry Deboing Smith. That's the real name. What's your government? Fuck you. Daniel Maurice Royce.

I left the black community years ago. I said, fuck. I got too confused and confused. It is shit. Oh, my God.

So Jerry, you started in DC. I started in San Antonio. I started a laugh out loud comedy club. But I've been living there since 2010. And that's when I started.

What made you move to San Antonio? My dad. My brother was in the military. And he got, he left. And then he had a baby in San Antonio.

And stayed there. And my dad moved down there. So I just moved once I got divorced. Because I was running from a terrorist. [ Laughter ]

That just a girl friend. That's why I was married. Baby mama. No, no, I had no kids with this bitch. You crazy?

“You married her and you didn't have kids with her.”

Wow. How did that happen? By the grace of God, won't he do it? Wow. Your phone, you will.

Your full black? Uh, no. I remember I told you I left home. My mom was white. My mom was white.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Your dad was dark. My dad is purple. [ Laughter ]

I'm like, I know. I had no idea. And y'all laughing just for my mom's white. That's why my daddy stayed. He's still alive.

God damn it. Wow. That's incredible. You still have a relationship with your mom? My mom passed away in '95.

We had this conversation, sir. Oh, we did. How did she pass away? [ Laughter ] Here comes the way for fucking red band to do it.

Like you did in the last time, is it? You got to say how she died. How she did it, guys? She passed away, okay. I knew it was going to do it.

I just did it before he did it, because I wanted to kick his ass off to the show. [ Laughter ] Wow. Amazing.

Okay. But dad's still fine. Yeah, that's fine for now. Yeah, he's fine. He's in dollars' right now.

Actually two. He's 76. Yeah. For his kidneys is messing up. He's happy.

[ Laughter ] He got already knew he was going to this nigga. Still ain't got no sleeves on. [ Laughter ] The sleeveless samurai's at it again.

[ Laughter ] He is.

Uh, I delivered furniture for Aaron's.

For Aaron's friend. Yeah, for like seven years.

“But after that, if you want to consider the real job,”

I work the door at Laf I allow for ten years. Oh, wow. Okay. I work with this nigga a couple of times too. Man, I'm dead. So I'll come inside. Okay, I'll remember my niggas.

Right. [ Laughter ] Incredible. All right, Jerry. Well, fun times. You did it again.

Uh, did you get a big joke book? Yes, I do, but I'll take the little one. Here's a very, very dark black one, just like your dad. [ Laughter ] Boom.

On we go. [ Applause ] Should be the final buck to pull up the night. I do believe. And, oh, what a name it is.

Make some noise for Ralphie. Duff Bartender. Ralphie, Duff Bartender. [ Cheers and applause ] Here's for Ralphie.

Duff Bartender. [ Cheers and applause ] So a couple of months ago, I got a home deep out of look for a dude. And, uh, he didn't really come with a green card, but a really long pink card.

So we started dating. And, uh, thanks for going pretty good.

“Uh, the night we're having a really intimate,”

deep discussion. He's given me the reassurance that you want, and that you need a new relationship.

He's like, "I love you forever, and ever, and always."

Amen. I'm like, "Thing out, dude. Did you just bring your faith into this? How could you know, are you?" And, um, later that night,

he's actually trying to put me on the dinner table. And, can you blame him? You know, boys got to eat. And, uh, he's getting all sex with me, rubbing up on me and whatnot, and he's like, "Who's your man?"

And, so immediately I set up. Now, look, I'm dead in the eyes, and I'm like, "Are one and only?" Lord and savior. Jesus Christ.

Amen. So he came, which is pretty cool, because before this relationship, I really wasn't that religious, but apparently we pray every night now,

because our men's are new safe-word. Thank you. I'm Ralphie. Ralphie, the bartender. Oh, man.

Golden ticket. (audience laughing) All right.

Ralphie, am I saying that, right?

Yes. Ralphie. How long you've been doing stand-up comedy? About a little less than six months. Six months, perfect.

That's a good answer for what that set was. Uh, I will have it.

“What made you want to start stand-up six months ago?”

Uh, I've been wanting to do it for ten years, but last year, now divorce, and, uh, been doing cool new shit? Nice. What made you get a divorce?

Uh, mother... (audience laughing) The wrong ones, and he tried to kill me, so really, how did he try to-- I noticed this wrong, but what did you say?

(audience laughing) I can't stop the gun. (audience laughing) What did you do? No, I took it.

Uh, starting moving out early. Yeah. Nice. So how long were you in that relationship for? Six years.

Six years. And once you got out of it, that's when you realized you could start stand-up comedy. Yeah? Doing a lot of bigger things and just stand-up as well,

just kind of, like, what? Blossoming. Uh, I was already doing stunt doubling for motorcycle work. Oh, cool. How long have you been riding motorcycles?

About 30,000 miles, so I'm still pretty fresh. Okay. A time when we were going to get the doctor here. Is it how long? Not how far.

(audience laughing) That's enough. I love you. I don't know. Mama can't have my bike for over a year

whenever I first got it. So it's been a while. It's hard. It's easier to say my life. I think it's something about destroyer.

You're not telling this. Uh, which part? This relationship was a husband? Common law. Yeah.

You cheated on him? Oh, no. He cheated on you. Yeah. Oh.

With girls that look like his mom, so... Oh. You can't compete. Was he Mexican? (audience laughing)

Now, why? We have a brand new man for you. Here he is. (audience laughing) He doesn't see color.

(audience laughing) And if you won't walk out on you, okay? (audience laughing) So Ralphie, tell us more about your life. Uh...

What else is interesting about you? I'm a welder. I'm a canic. Uh, Jim, Jim enthusiast. Uh, started acting recently.

Interesting. You were raised by a single father? Now, he died. He died? (audience laughing)

Pairer.

How did he die? Uh... Laced batch of H. Oh. (audience laughing)

batch of heroin. The heroin? Yeah.

“That was during the Biden administration?”

No, way before. Way before. Fettin' all? Huh?

Was it fettin' all or just something else?

Repwison. Oh, wow. Okay, yeah. That's pre-biden. Fettin' all was during Biden.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Wow. How old were you when he passed away?

Or? Wow. Damn. That sucks. You have a lot of siblings?

Nope. Only child? Uh, yeah. I have two brothers. One's adopted.

And the other one's half-blood. They're not as cool as I am. Wow. I didn't know. Maximum is adopted.

Is your mom Mexican? No, I'm mother's white. Oh, there you go. Yeah, father is. You enough for good.

Your dad was Mexican? Yes. And your mom's white. Yep. You still close with your mom?

No, fuck that bitch. Why fuck that bitch? We don't got all night toning. Really?

“Have you ever thought with all these relationships that you might be the problem?”

You sound just like my therapist right now? Ha ha ha ha. Really do you go to the therapist? I do. Nice.

I can't wait to tell her about all this tomorrow. Yeah. The manic episode's gonna hit hard after this. Where have you ridden this motorcycle at? What's the craziest place you've driven to?

Just in corpus. I mean, they're having horrible driving. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. We're up in with a woman before. Red band. How could you tell?

I believe this is our first female comedian of the night.

You can't just at every time there's a lady up here. Sexually harassed her with questions like that. Have you been with a woman before? [ Laughter ] See the fifth.

Well, let me tell you. She does some mechanic work in the bitch. Red motorcycles. Tell by the face. All right.

What? Oh. Red band. Um. Ralphie.

Fun times. You got to keep working it. You're only six months in. Keep riding. Keep trying.

There's a little joke book. Ralphie got bartender. Ladies and gentlemen. That is what appears to be our name. Ralphie, dub bartender.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen. Have we had a good night tonight or what? [ Cheers and applause ] So.

Um. We have a special treat for you. William couldn't make it. Are you mad? He couldn't make it.

Tim, he couldn't make it. But I'm excited about how we're closing tonight's show.

“And I think you will be, too, because I believe that this is the future of”

Keltoni, this young man has only been on the show once before any one. A golden ticket at 21 years old. Ladies and gentlemen. I think he's the future of the show. I think he's the future of comedy.

And I'm positive. He's the future of musical comedy. Make some fucking noise. For Tony Scar, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] How do we do a folks? [ Cheers and applause ] Folks. What if I told you there was a place

where brilliant minds could collide? Where you could be drowning and pussy, even if you're only the size of big Mike. Celebrities around every corner, and women that want you bad.

Nothing but nine's and ten's folks. Would you be interested in that? [ Cheers and applause ] Well, welcome to Epstein's Island. [ Laughter ]

I'm sure you won't forget it. I'm trying not to get sued here, so everything I say is a legit. [ Laughter ]

It's always perfect weather.

I wonder who controls that. Probably the guys with the BDIs and one-fourth of a hat. [ Laughter and applause ] If Bill Clinton comes in under four minutes, there's four more weeks of winter.

[ Laughter ] But he only comes in age and women, or as he likes to call them squinters. [ Laughter ] In his bathroom, there was a black mingid,

taking a bath. It was the world first, something wet, three-fifths of one-half. [ Laughter ]

trekking Muslims into eating pork.

He was sitting on JD Vance, and JD Vance was on all force. [ Laughter ] They were eating with Anthony Fauci, and right before they prayed.

Fauci turned into a fucking bath, and flew away. It was crisis. [ Laughter ] Bide and slept with the prostitute,

and after they had sex,

“she stepped onto the balcony to smoke a candy cigarette.”

[ Laughter ] Stephen Hawking was on the treadmill yelling, "Rail, rail, rail, rail!" [ Laughter ] Until I hit his eject button,

and he flew across the roof.

There was an Arabic strip,

or she didn't take cash. She preferred that I threw rocks. [ Laughter ] She stripped down as much as a Muslim can. She took her socks halfway off.

[ Laughter ] There was a black stripper, a smoke show with beautiful Ebony skin. She stripped all her clothes off and stripped all the pain off, and then she was white again.

[ Laughter ] And I couldn't believe she did black face. That's racist, that's fucked. So I only paid her half price, once she read it all the makeup.

[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ]

I got dragged to the island,

but my friend Lee Ann, jetta tampon interpers, but no game plan. There was record ball and pinball, and badminton too,

“♪ And not a single ball that left the island was blue ♪”

♪ Well, I didn't wanna go, but I didn't wanna miss the show ♪ ♪ 'Cause ever since I was a young boy ♪ ♪ I had a full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪

♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I didn't wanna go ♪

♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪

♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I didn't wanna go ♪ ♪ 'Cause I didn't wanna miss the show ♪

♪ I had full moon ♪ ♪ I had full moon ♪ (singing in foreign language) My mother fucking star has done it again. I'm getting word that Randolph Davies

is plugging atomraecomedy.com. (audience laughing) Adam Ray is on tour.

“How about one more time for the great Tony Scarth Tony?”

- Hey Tony. - How are you? (audience applauding) - Everything good, man. How's life changed for you since becoming a big fancier?

- Oh, dude, everything was good. I got up until last night. Last night was fucking. I bit my Tony really hard last night. I'm horrible at eating pussy, dude.

I don't know how that happened. I am. I had a really bad sex experience recently. What happened? It was really, I was going back to a girl's RV

'cause you know, what's a house if it isn't also a car, right? And I was back at her place and she wanted a fuck, but she made me wear a condom and I didn't bring a condom 'cause Bella's know that if you don't bring a condom, you don't got a fucking use one, right?

That's ours, that's ours. I probably wasn't supposed to tell everybody that. That's my bad. But I went back to her place and she was like, you can use my condom and she pulled on a magnum condom.

And I'm not a magnum kind of guy, Tony. I'm not, so that was, it's not like putting your dad's t-shirt on. You know what I mean? I was just like a toothpick and a Ziploc bag.

It was tough. - Yeah. - That's okay. - But besides that, I mean, everything's been great. I still have about the hard time getting booked around town,

but I got managers and agents now. I got women hitting my line, which is awesome. - Yep. - Yeah. - It's fucking fantastic.

Mostly 30 year old women, which is great, 'cause that's my fucking, that's my bread and butter, bro.

- Dude, this guy would get plowed on Epstein's Island.

- Yeah, dude. - Yeah. (laughing) - I was very much flush flight, but you were there.

“I was there, yeah, I was on a silver platter”

with an apple on my mouth, dude. (laughing) - Amazing. Tony, you are so funny.

The music is just absolutely incredible.

Every line, every reference. You are a true star. - Thank you very much. - It's really amazing. - Tony, star ladies and gentlemen.

- Thank you all. I love you folks.

“- This episode brought to you by Bluetooth,”

talks, face and Shopify, guys. I love this man with all my heart. How loud can this place get for the great Don El Rolings, everybody? I love him.

(cheering) He is on for, see him. Don El Rolings.com, trust me. He's one of the best stand-ups in the world. Go see him, Don El Rolings.com.

Have a one more time for the great Trevor Wallace, everybody. (cheering) Check out his special April 1st on his YouTube, that's YouTube.com/tremercwallis. Find you part two from the Kill Tony Band,

is out everywhere, HeidiRegina.com.

Outside makes our amazing joke,

but check out our incredible line of merch at killmerch.com. The drawing from Ryan J. Belt is amazing. Don El Rolings in Trevor Wallace. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Whoa, it's fucking Jeremy.

The great Adam Ranker, Jeremy.

“How about one more time for Randolph, Davey's debut tonight?”

And Pat O'Neill, both of them winning golden tickets. Great, man. Coming to San Diego, AmericanComedyCode.com, and June, thank you. Yeah, don't forget, we are at the Intuit dome in Los Angeles, in the month of May,

making our return to LA, doing a real Kill Tony episode for one night only. That's at the Intuit dome in front of 17,500 people. At once, it started in the belly room in front of 15 people. And now 17,500.

Ah, yeah, we love you guys. Thank you guys. Good night, everybody. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING]