#761 - KIM CONGDON + ADAM RAY

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Apple Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHencecliff.com for everything the Golden Pony TonyHencecliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Desquad merch, hats, mugs, whatever ShopSquad.tv. Now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

“Is this thing given on a pretty and a wrap-out walks into a pot?”

I didn't really mean everything I said that night. This is going to be insane. This is going to be awesome. Kill Tony, Saturday at the late teeth, to get onto your nail. Hey, this is Red Band coming alive from the Smart Financial Center here.

The Houston taxes are a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony Hencecliff.

“Who's dirty for the best fucking night of their lives?”

Oh, my god, how about one more time for the best damn band in all of Sugarland? The great Michael Gonzalez, Rao, Balejo, Carlos, Sosa, fucking, Rao, Balejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos, Sosa, John Bees, and that right there is the great deep madness, everybody mat mealing on the electric. We got everything in place.

This is very, very exciting.

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“I got to ask, Houston, Texas, are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?”

What a pleasure it is to be on the road in my favorite state in the United States of America. Holy shit, what a beautiful day, 80 degrees in sunny. You can't beat it. Tonight's guest to my favorite human beings in the world to the greatest Kill Tony guests of all time, very hard, very hard to put the show on a Saturday night when everybody

that touches the show is a sellout theater act. But, I did the Lord's work for you as I present to you multiple time over.

Without a doubt, arguably statistically, the greatest guest in Kill Tony history and the first

ever regular in Kill Tony history. Tonight's guest, ladies and gentlemen, art, and a brave Kim Cogniz.

The man who gets totally psyched out their pill, share it with me.

I was kidding. What's their name? Oh, my. Oh, my. So many characters I forget sometimes.

Wow. And the great Kim Cognit and everybody. There she is. Currently being stalked by many men. Yes, I'm here tonight.

Cause I have a gun. She's got a gun. She's got a new dow. Everything's happening. And ladies and gentlemen, here he is.

“Kill Tony Hall of Famer multiple time guests at the year.”

Adam Ray is here. Great to be here. Thanks for having me. You didn't let's go. Houston home of a Kim Elijah one and.

Fucking, I don't know. Fat fat sex. I don't know. Yeah. A lot of people.

Yeah.

I looked up fun facts on the airplane about Houston.

And I said you guys eat out more than any other city in the world. Yep. This guy. That's not what I was talking about. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of blacks in Houston.

But I heard they don't eat out at all. I don't. That's what I was talking about. Yeah. Yeah.

It's probably our. El Tempo is here. How many El Tempo fans to be about there? El Tempo. Gosh darn it.

The home of the Colorado. You guys have ever been to the Colorado before. It's a fun place. All right. You guys know how this show works.

Everybody. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry.

Is there a gay part of Houston? They all said it once. What is it? Montrose. Montrose.

Oh yeah. You got to wrap it up then. You bring out the angry Montrose bear. Oh yeah. That's a big gay bear.

Little southern twang on it too. Hell yeah. Rainer. Oh my goodness.

The first name has been pulled.

And this is a very special show because since we have been in Texas for over five years now, we have accumulated many great golden ticket winners from the city of Houston, Texas. And tonight while we go wrangling our first bucket pull, starting off the show with a brand new minute for us is one of our elite golden ticket winners from Houston, Texas. He got his golden ticket.

“I believe when he was 21 years old since then, he has worked as bucky himself at a bucky's.”

Makes a noise starting tonight's show. Houston's own Enrique Tracone. Houston, Texas. Houston, Texas. How the fuck we feeling tonight?

Yeah. This is looking like a racist leg with church, bro. The fuck. I heard that ice is killing white people now, man. What's up with that?

Telling me, I can't even hide. It's not a Lulu 11 anymore. My girlfriend, when I met her, she was way out of my league. So I found out everything I could about her, man. I found out that she was really into animal rescue.

So 2019, fuck. It brought rescue 34 cats. Bro, fuck it. Sometimes you have to save the kitty to eat the kitty. And that's what I was doing.

You can say I was in heat too, man. Anyways, I have an Australian cattle dog. A blue healer at home. I like to use that dog for small talk with older white guys. I like a tractor supplier.

I tell him I have a blue healer in there. Oh, my granddaddy had a blue healer. That's a very intelligent dog. That's a very hard work in dog. We have a beautiful moment.

“And suddenly they remember that their granddaddy wouldn't like him talking to me.”

And that's the end of the conversation. Thank you. And Ricky Chaco. Tony Hitchley. Hi buddy, sir.

How are you, my friend? How does it feel? This is the biggest crowd you've ever performed in front of in Houston. Texas. It is.

Bro, let's look in pretty fucking beautiful. Southwest, alien Texas in the house. Southwest. Wow. What's the Southwest of Houston, like exactly?

Southwest, Houston. It's a beautiful place where everybody says the end word no better. What did this city you are? Oh, perfect. And so that's why whenever I moved to like Austin or started doing comedy,

I had to like train my son every time I wanted to say the end word. I was snap a rubber band, you know. Oh, my leg or something.

That's my hood man. That's why I grew up. And yeah. I love it.

I don't know all the different areas that well.

I know I was able to convince Red Band to do this show because I said it's in Sugarland and he's like, "Oh, where did it go?" That's close to Candyland. I'm not fucking mad at that bro, my feta has turned Sugarland into a caramel. Bro, what's up?

Oh, my goodness. Enrique, why are you so fat? Tell us what you eat exactly. What do you know is a lot of straight guys he pussy. Tony, that's what I do, you know.

That's not what's making you fat. What are you putting on? Are you putting a whipped cream on it or something or cream cheese or cottage cheese? What is that? You know, protein powder, duck eggs, chicken eggs, bro.

We cook everything we'll all do. This is a fucking normal food. Dude, I eat chocolate candy eggs. The fucking catberry eggs. Dude, I got the fucking eggs and handled.

“But, you know, a place that you need to visit, though, Tony.”

It's best in that bro.

You got to go to visit that.

People don't chop fucking a green. What is that? This in that is the best neighborhood in Houston, Texas. Why? You all have to wait for it.

And if you're stuck in traffic and business, you might as well get your dick sucked. You know? It's... I will see you guys after the show.

Yeah. But I'm going to go to Southwest. I'm going to go between business and Southwest Houston, so that I could say the end word while getting my dick sucked. That is the American drink.

That's not a beautiful plan, Tony. I love it in a UK. Such a fun set. Ice white people, Lulu Lemon. I love it.

So... That ice shagami terrified, Tony. Yeah. Really? Really?

Yeah, it really does, dude, because I have something called the DACA status, which means that I'm a celebrity immigrant. You know, there's only 25 hundred of us, man.

“I don't think you should be saying this.”

Fuck it. You know, I'm prepared for the consequences, man. That's why I'm trying to camouflage myself. I don't even drink more demos anymore in public, Tony. Perfect.

That was drinking bush light, bro. Like some of these river oats, white guys. Bro, what the fuck? Hell yeah. I love it.

Are there any other white things that you're doing to try to hide out? You know, I'm reciting the 10 amendments, Tony. The 10 amendments. Silly. You listen.

One of those is the right to eat. It's one of them to dress like you look like you work at the all garden. I look like Missile's waiter, bro. What the fuck was that thing, bro? They look like you squeal and someone hugs you.

You are absolutely adorable in Rica and you have the show started for us tonight with nothing but laughter and legability ever. From Houston, Texas. And we got it started. And now we go to the fucking everybody.

“There are a lot of Houston local comedians that have been dying for us”

to make the two or three hour trip up here. And now it begins. They get 60 seconds. And then I conduct an interview with them. And they think and happen.

Sometimes people get a little bit shy in front of such a big group of people.

So I'm going to try my hardest to find out crazy shit about your first bucket hole

doing an uninterrupted set goes by the name of Max Wissinger. Everybody here comes Max Wissinger to get the bucket. Start making it tonight. So I was making out my girlfriend last week. Yeah.

Things were heating up. She started taking her clothes off. Yeah. She was like, Max, you look like a kid in a candy store. I said, babe, it's not you.

I look like a kid in any store. Yeah. Just kidding. I don't have a girlfriend. Yeah.

I can't keep a girlfriend, right? Because they don't feel safe with me. Because I'm gluten free. I mean, I can't even fight off a little Debbie. It sucks, right?

Like someone brings donuts to work. I can't have any apple fritter straight to the shitter. Being gluten free is so depressing. The only time I even think about using a toaster is when I'm taking a bath.

Guys, come on. My therapist said, I need an outlet. [LAUGHTER] Thank you. Max, Wissinger.

Welcome, Max. Jokes about being useful. How old are you, Max? I'm 27. I don't even have chest hair yet.

It's a little bit mean either. I'm 41.

How long have you been going to stand up? Ah, so two, uh, one and a half years.

But my first time was on this show, like, three, four years ago.

Yeah. At Vulcan. Oh, okay. You made the drive down the Austin. You like the Houston?

I'm in Houston now. Yes. What do you do for work? I'm a product developer for supplements. Wow.

What kind of supplements? Uh, the ones that make you healthier that the RFK junior likes. Yeah. Well, it doesn't look like you're taking any of them so far. [LAUGHTER]

Those like you're taking the drugs that make you age backwars. [LAUGHTER] It's a new bunch of in buttons, compound. You need to eat more fruit by the foot. [LAUGHTER]

“It's a cage snack. That's what I mean by that. You look five.”

[LAUGHTER] Yeah, I think they accidentally gave you estrogen. Right. [LAUGHTER] Yeah.

People call me RFK junior.

Yes. Which parent? [LAUGHTER] Uh, what's the best supplement? I don't know what to ask you.

What's the-- You don't have to ask them anything, remember? Don't take it away. Thank you. [LAUGHTER]

One of the funniest running jokes in the history of the show. If you look back, you can make a 45-minute live compilation. I mean, looking at it, I'm going-- [LAUGHTER] Well, he asks the people.

[LAUGHTER] That's why we're costumes, so it doesn't hurt his back. [LAUGHTER] Uh, Max, tell us what's been going on in life since the last time you were on the show.

Well, the girls have been hitting on me lately. Ooh. With their cars. Yeah. You know, I think girls are so dangerous when they drive

because they're too busy trying to look hot. Like, I saw this one chick going 100 on the freeway. Putting on mascara, swirving all over the road. I mean, hey, at least you died a bad bitch. I see what you've been there.

You snuck in a little joke. Comics unleaf me, exactly. Well, Tony, funny, you should ask. These women be driving crazy. Dude, you're perfect for cruises.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you do that when you hang out with your friends at how you pitch beds? There's like, dude, traffic was nuts today. You're like, yeah.

And then you just turn and face a different wall and go, "Let me tell you about the 405." Everyone's like, dude, over here. You got jokes, I like it. What, uh, have you been on dates?

Do you have a girlfriend? Oh, no. Not right now. Don't. When's the last time you hooked up with a chick?

What's that like? What playground did you go to exactly? I think it was-- No, I can't say that one. Yeah, you can.

Hey. Hey. You know what's give the actual location of a playground?

“No, I was like, the children's museum, but that's what--”

Yeah. That's right. I didn't say it. Children's museum. Yeah.

Okay. So seriously, last time you were with a woman, or boy, or whatever you're into. It was, uh, last year, yeah, in the last year. So what happened then? What was that?

The random hookup? Is this a little booty call? It's for some reason that's funny when you ask, like, a youthful 27-year-old. No, it was my ex-girlfriend, yeah. Yeah.

And Florida, yeah. Oh, you. I was of an in Florida for two years. Yeah. And what made you move to Florida?

My job. Yeah. I was of an in a retirement community. Yeah. The weather was great.

It was in the 70s. Just like the people. Yep. Yeah. Are we on a hidden camera show right now?

No way you're launching into bits is amazing.

In practical, no jokers. I was like, I can't just get freaking roasted the whole time. I got a good, yeah. I like it. You're on the, uh, on the aggression.

Yeah. You're doing perfect max max. What's your ethnicity? What is a wissinger? How much are going to another bit?

Well, if you, if you say that beforehand, it's a very hard to do. Okay. I'm half Mexican. And I'm half German. Uh-huh.

Go ahead. My Mexican half likes to cook spicy. Your other half likes to cook juice. No? Hey.

“Did I accidentally write a better joke than you had?”

Yeah. It's okay. This brown goes to Tony. What was yours? I like to, uh, my German half.

Okay. So my Mexican half likes to cook spicy. Yeah. My German half likes to turn that bathroom into a gas chamber. Yep.

You should take my, my. Yeah. Do it my way. What the fuck was the most unholocaust noise I've ever heard? That's the sound of what happens when your blood stops flowing.

You did. All right. Here you go, Max. There you go, buddy. Bingbong.

Good job, Joe. Max. Wissinger. Has begun. The bucket portion of the show.

There you go. There goes Max. That's it.

Luckily too far away for Adam's favorite hand shakes over your own hand shakes.

Oh my god. Jesus Christ Almighty. The thoughts that go through my head when Heidi's on stage. It's unbelievable. Oh, Jesus Christ is hotter.

The old Houston buttercakes. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? It's real. It's real. Mmm, mmm.

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All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake McFarlin. Let's see what happens here. We're going to meet Jake McFarlin. Jake McFarlin.

Hey, Sugarland. I just want to start this by saying I'm five years sober and clean. From white pussy. Yeah. What an hard choice.

White pussy tastes like nickels. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. It's February, baby.

Yeah. Not a lot of black people in here. That's crazy. Yeah. It's February and as a black man.

I'm just going to tell you as a black man. I'm doing my part. Yeah. I'm out there doing it. Yeah.

I've been eating black pussy. Yeah. And I was actually recently eating some black pussy just a couple days ago. And I was down there in them thick thighs. You know how it is.

And I was down there doing my thing. You know? Hey. But I was running out of air. Quit.

All right. I come up for air. I go. She graduated by the back of the head and goes. No.

Reparations bitch. I was like, oh my love. Yeah. I am. All right.

His gun is full length of time. How are you?

“When you're eating pussy, are you just making noises inside of a pussy?”

Grab that microphone. I'm making a lot of noise. Yeah. I thought it was her gun. She was holding it to my head.

That's true. Yeah. Are you really eating black pussy? Every chance I get. I mean, I'm telling you, when I get done with this,

So, you know, I'm looking forward to that.

I have a question. What? If weight pussy tastes like nickels, what is black pussy tastes like? Uh, like cocoa butter and.

Original wings. Uh, follow up question. I'm glad I'm right. From comedy. Yeah.

I think I recognize thinking. Um, uh, and a very good right at that to you. Um. What about Asian or Jewish pussy?

“I think if you like Asian women, you're secretly gay.”

And I don't know. Let's play a game. I'll pull up a bunch of trainees from Asia and then just regular Asian women. And we'll find out who's hot and who's not.

All right. Let's do it. Come on. I understand.

I think we know what's going to happen.

Your boyfriend's going to look gay. Okay. So. Stand on that red circle for me there. Is this where the animal is?

Fuck. The animal from looney tones. All right. You're cool. Let me ask you something, Jake.

Where are you meeting these black women? Who's pussy or you? Anywhere I can. But like give us an example of where it's actually. Hi, uh, man.

I do a lot of so like, I'm a black comedian. Okay. Why do you keep saying that? I am. I'm a black comedian.

I was banned from all white comedy rooms until like six months ago. Why? It's a ginger. I am a ginger. Um.

Man. You really want to know? No, we're all right. I don't know. Jake.

I'm asking you, dude.

Yes, I really want to know.

We're on a live show. I don't know if you know that there's 7,000 people out there, Jake. I do really want to know the answer to the question that the host of the show, just asked who's standing in the middle of the red circle, Jake. I'll keep it real.

I'll keep it real. I'll stay right here. The middle of the red circle. There you go. Just stay there.

Okay. That's the, that's a target. Okay. But people love to run. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm not that black.

“Honestly, I, I, I pulled a gun on a guy.”

Okay. Tell us more about that. Yeah. Okay. So I was at a comedy show.

It was a black comedy show. You don't have those in Austin. But in Houston, it's when you go to a place in everyone's lack. You know what I mean? Yep.

Sure. We all lived in it. We all did comedy in LA for a couple decades. You know, right. Okay.

Okay. Yes. And I was about to leave. But one of my buddies who had went on the show. He actually didn't get on the show.

He got snuffed by another comedian. He started crying. He got a little drunk. Through a fit walked out. And I was like, well, fuck him, right?

But then I thought, you know what? I better smooth it over with the, the host. So I walk up to the host. But I left my keys and my trucks were out in the parking lot at this time. By the way, I want to prep this prep system by saying,

I was at Carrington's. If you know what Carrington's is, that's the, Jesus. That's the fucking hood. Come on get to the point of the story, Jake. Keep it here. You and me. My name. I'm wasting time waste time. This story and with a red dot dot dot dot.

“A different kind, yeah. Okay. So get to the fucking story, Jake. Do you really want to know? Do you really want me to be on the thought about the what happened?”

All right, here we go. Come on. So I was I was out in the parking lot talking with the comedian and the host and another comedian start talking shit. And I told him that he's being disrespectful and he said what are you going to do about it? And I said take them glasses on and he walked around his car and I said, are we fighting or what? And he said, no, I'm just going to shoot you ass. I'm just going to kill you ass to the hood of the streets. It was a black guy. It was a black guy, right, which is crazy because when I pulled a gun on him and told him to take his hands out of the trunk after he popped the trunk to grab a gun, he closed the trunk.

Damn. They don't like it when black people get gun, guns pulled on him, I guess. And your story takes forever. This is like how hard it is for a woman to come. Back to the incredible. Thank you ladies. Wow. The moral of the story is the moral of the story is there's a moral.

All right, go ahead. I put my gun back in the trunk after the car after he closed the trunk and he said he's calling the police. So I was like, okay, look, I'm Jesus. I thought I was black, but, you know, apparently he's not. This thing where you keep calling yourself black. I'm ginger. What are you talking about? I'm light-skinned.

Why do you keep saying that? I got a, I could call, man. I could call my black friends right now. Do you say the word? No, no, I don't say the word. No, no, no.

What do you do for work? I'm a handyman. Yep, what exactly do you specialize in? What work and stuff like that? Well, maybe you are black because they wouldn't work if they could work. See what I did?

Yeah, it doesn't make sense, but my, my black friends call me Jigaboo Jake.

All right. Okay.

“Well, since you're so black, guess what?”

You're leaving with a little black joke book. Jake McFartman, everybody. Okay, catch, not black. Not black, not black, not black, not black, not black, not black. [BELL RINGING]

All right. Here to clean the slate. Ooh, my goodness, gracious. That's right. Since it's a road show, the great Valerie Von is here. Everybody, the chance to get it for Valerie.

She attends and works with us on every single non-Austin

and sometimes in Austin, but always on the road show.

We have another Houston Golden Ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. Can you believe it? Makes a noise for him. Here with the brand new minute, it's Colin Sledge, everybody. You know a brand new minute for Houston's own.

Colin Sledge. Okay, thank you. You know, so God gave us two ears and one mouth, because we're supposed to listen twice as much as we talk. But he also gave us ten fingers,

so we're supposed to be finger blasted in like all the time. [LAUGHTER]

“Okay, I always tell girls you should never fake an orgasm with me.”

You know, 'cause I don't care. [LAUGHTER] I found out, we were supposed to pee after sex to have been a UTI every time, but I was so, just to be safe, you should pee during sex.

[LAUGHTER] I'm into that, hell yeah. [LAUGHTER] My parents are here, by the way. Can I?

Can I do one more joke? Okay. My girlfriend says I don't make an of eye contact during sex. And it's not even true. I make a lot of eye contact during sex, it's just with myself in the mirror.

[LAUGHTER] Not like a narcissistic way. I just like to pretend I'm getting cucked by my evil twin. [LAUGHTER] Wow.

Holland's sledge in front of the home town crowd. That is what every comedian hopes to do. Amazing, Colin.

Fucking hilarious as always.

Thank you. [LAUGHTER]

“What do you think your parents think about that set?”

[LAUGHTER] They've seen it before, probably. No, no. I love it. I love it.

Tell us what part of Houston are you from? From Northwest Houston by the heights. [LAUGHTER] Northwest Houston. You can't say the end word there, you might get in trouble.

Yes, different than Southwest. [LAUGHTER] I feel like I would get in trouble anywhere, if I said it. No, yeah. You definitely will.

White people would beat you up if you said it. Yeah. Colin, tell us about your experiences here in Houston, Texas. You ever, what else might people know you from? Did you ever have jobs here?

Well, you used to work at the Galleria? Yeah. What did you do at the Galleria? I work at Express. Express, Galleria.

Go ahead, write down whatever you're trying to do. He's got nothing. And then it worked at Willowbrook. Ooh, where? Willowbrook.

It's like, it's like, further northwest. It's kind of ghetto. Was that the Express at Willowbrook? Yeah, they moved me over there. Ooh, they didn't like the--

Transfer Express employee. Yeah. Worked for Lex Wexner, who was on the Epstein files. Oh, yes. Yes.

I never met him personally, but he did exploit my labor.

Amazing. I can't believe he didn't show up to one of his many locations in Willowbrook. Yeah, Willowbrook. Like, there would be like stabbing every week in Willowbrook. And we would be like the only store that didn't even close.

Right. His white people need their skinny jeans. Exactly. Well, I love it. I love Colin.

What else is going on in life? Well, I went shooting with Hans Kim and Dusty and Sportsman's finest and stuff. How was that? It was fun. Everyone was very nice, especially when I had a gun.

I never shot a fully automatic weapon before, and they just gave me like an energy drink.

[LAUGHTER] I'm going to Texas. I love it.

I think they're hooking Kim up with a gun, maybe at some point.

Yeah. Yeah. And I have one already. Yes. She already has one.

If there's any stalkers out there watching or listening to the show.

“I'm also a victim of that, because you should be if you search creepy kiltony guy.”

I would come up. [LAUGHTER] To be honest, I'm on edge right now when he came out. I was like, "Whoa." But you look like a nice stalker.

Like, you just stroke someone's cheek or something. Yeah. I would roof you girl, but I would just hold her hand the whole time. It's so sweet. Yeah, you look like when you eat black-push, you blow on it.

Instead of going red-t-t-t-t-t-t-t. [LAUGHTER] It's too hot for him. Yeah. Too hot.

Yeah. Cool it down. Jesus. So this hot pussy. Colin.

It's in his mouth like an airplane. [LAUGHTER] Have you ever been with a black woman, Colin? No. Oh, geez.

Brick her out. Brick her out. She comes though. Everybody, though we had one ready. Wow.

Why do you think you've never been with a black woman?

All the time here in Houston, a large populace of those people. Who's-- [LAUGHTER] I wasn't always good looking. I used to be--

Yeah. Oh, my god. Men are so confident. I mean, when he first got on the show, his hair looked different.

Ever since he's been dating his girl, look at this hair he has right now. Yeah. She started taking care of me. I'm like a straight cat.

[LAUGHTER] That makes sense. How else is your girlfriend changed you? Is there anything else? You've been trimming your pubes and whatnot?

Uh, no. She prefers that I don't do that. Ooh. [LAUGHTER]

“Is there any other changes that she's made you, though?”

Um, you know, people used to say girls like a neat place. You know, got to be a very queen. And since I've had a girl--

My place has never been messier in my entire life.

So-- Yeah. They leave their stuff. Yeah. So I used to be very organized and now I'm not so much--

Right. But it's worth it. Yeah. Yeah. I think so.

On balance, you get to dump loads. Well, the sectomy hasn't happened yet, but it's on the way. The way? The the sectomy? Oh.

Yeah. I'm working on it. So I tried to, you know, I talked to the doctor, and he didn't want to do it on me because I didn't have kids. But I don't want to have kids just to get the sectomy.

And so I said, I'll go visit my niece in Honduras, my brother had a baby. And then I'll come back if I still want a sectomy, will you give it to me? And he said, yes. And then I did that. And then I came back and I called him and he retired.

So I was sort of back to square one. But it's-- it's in the works. Call me insane.

“But I feel like you don't have to go to Honduras to get a sectomy.”

Like you can just find a different doctor. We can do it in red beans. I do it for you. I love it. Do you do drugs?

But I just take weed gum, yes. Mm-hmm. You look like you saw mushrooms to scubae in the gang. That is true. That's my girlfriend's influence on me.

Yeah. Calling you were absolutely hilarious tonight. Congratulations. Hometown crowd in front of your parents. You did it.

And we're getting back to the bucket. One more time for calling this light, everybody. And back to what we go, ladies and gentlemen. Your next comedian is Brandon Brown. We're going to meet Brandon Brown.

All together. Now, put your hands together for Brandon. Everybody, these people. We eat their whole lives. [MUSIC PLAYING]

Holy shit. We're doing it. Mr. Hensley, if I got to tell you, I'm a big ass fan. You too, Adam Ray. Me and my wife were such big fans of Kiltony

that we roleplay Kiltony in the bedroom, right? So sometimes, like, I'll be hitting it from the back. I'm like, oh, yeah. We're really doing it, baby. We're really doing it.

And then, sometimes, I like to pretend I'm one of the black guys that get on Kiltony. I'm like, oh, yeah. We're really doing it, baby. But my favorite people who come on Kiltony

are the Asians, right? So sometimes, I'll be back there going, oh, yeah. We're really doing it, baby. All right? Oh, man.

But it goes both ways, right? So sometimes, because she's like, I want to be Tony. I'm like, all right, you can be Tony. So I'll be in her pussy, right? [LAUGHTER]

And it's still going. We've done this a thousand times. You still can't hit the fucking buttons, right? Like, what the fuck? I know you pretend fucking ears.

And you still can't get it fucking right? Everybody, I'm Brandon Brown. And that's my time. [APPLAUSE] We really doing it, baby.

Do you point me your girl out there?

Yes. Where's she at? Hey, we pay big money. We're right in the front row. I love it.

I love it. How do you get big money? What do you do for work, Brandon Brown? I'm an insurance broker. I love it.

Amazing. How long have you been doing that for? I've been for about four years now. You are one of the toughest insurance brokers I've ever seen before. It's incredible.

Thank you. Do you reapo insurance? Let's go on. [LAUGHTER]

“Now I say you're going to get some protection for your fucking family or what?”

Yes. Sometimes it works. You look like Rogan if you stop doing the podcast. [LAUGHTER] That's a compliment.

I appreciate it. It is, man. You're tired, Rogan. You really do. We're really doing it, baby.

Have you-- how long did you practice that set a lot? I came up with that at 3.43 this morning. Because-- No one's going to dispute that. Yeah.

I was so excited. I was actually-- so what's funny is I knew you were going to be here. We have a little connection, you and I. Oh, go ahead.

Ooh. Now you have a stalker. Oh. No. So me and the wise been to a couple of your shows.

Oh, yeah. And, you know, so when you were doing Dr. Phil, we'd come see that Dr. Phil. We loved you and I appreciate it. I appreciate it.

And I sent you a Facebook message like one night. High as fuck. Sure. And I tried to respond to everybody to get back to you. Yeah.

So, because me and my girl were like, I was like, I want to if we can get married on Dr. Phil. And you and I went back and forth and it shits on messages and then my Facebook got hacked.

And I could never get a hold of you again.

And like, we were like, you're just like, I'm more in danger. Like, yeah, let's do this shit. Yeah. Yeah, look it up, brain and brown in your phone.

I'll take your word for a player. [ Laughter ] Don't tell me how to live my life. If you try to hump the fucking stage. No.

That's enough. No, stop it. You're going to have nightmares. I -- wait. So, you guys got married.

Yes, we did. What got you? Where'd you get married out? Oh, we did at the porthouse. Oh, OK.

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. And how many times have you beaten your wife since you got married? Oh, you know, it depends when the train starts to kick in. I don't really remember, but you know --

What does she do for a living? She is a nurse. OK. You guys have kids? No, we do not. Are you finishing inside of her?

Oh, every time. I got it. I got that back.

So I got a week-ass pool game.

Like, when I did this, like, there's a reason why God didn't make me black. How many times do you make her me out and bed? Oh, I'm very good at that. Yeah.

Very good. So, yeah.

“Do you have any special moves in the bedroom in real life?”

I usually am bottom because of your bad back. No, um, you know, man. She's going to kick my ass. No, I'm saying this. The good parts.

These are the good parts. So, I got very extremely lucky. And I got hurt in Afghanistan. I took an armored plate to the left side of the dick bag. So, like, my dick gets hard and like,

I can go forever because I've learned it feeling, right? Oh, yeah. So, yeah. I don't want to just go until she gets tired. And I'm like, whew.

Sometimes I hit her with that. Yeah, me. But that's only when I'm Tony. That's incredible. Do you finish?

Do you come? Yeah, I still come. How do you come if you don't have feeling? Yeah, it's only on the left side. Like, my dick has feeling.

But, like, I have, like, half the feeling that I had before. So, like, I go three times long. The question was, what's your favorite TV show? Yeah. I don't know how we got on this tension.

Dr. Phil Live. I love it. So, Afghanistan. Uh, that was, uh, you, what was it? You rolled over, eh?

Yeah. We got hit by an ID. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Okay. Can you take us through that? What was that like? Is it traumatizing for you or? Not for me.

A lot of people have different experiences in the military. Right. I was, I was very lucky. We were more on the attack side of things. Yeah.

So, like, we went out every day. We were part of an EOD group. And, like, it was just like, who's going to get blown up today. We'd laugh about it. So, I don't know if I died.

Like, it was just fun. It was just work. You miss it. We love you. We love you for your service.

Thank you. You are great. You are great. That's got damn right. Great.

It's country on planet Earth. Amazing.

“Any other crazy stories from, from being on the other side of the planet?”

Oh, yeah. So, my favorite is, right. This made me think of you too. I did this at about 402 after I came out my bit. So, I said, and they're like, what the fuck am I going to tell?

You know, Tony. Well, now I was like, Mr. Hinch Cliff. Docklump, tone. Like that one guy. I'm like, so, like, I've been playing around.

I'm just going to sit with Tony. The question was, what's your favorite food? Yeah, I'm getting around today, right? So, we would deal with a lot of people who blew theirself up,

And I had the magic ability.

I would always find the dick.

“Like, we'd be walking around looking for body parts and shit.”

I have that ability, too. It's okay for you to find dick. It's weird when I find dick. Yeah. There you go.

Okay. Very, very. Very antsy. But I thought you'd like that, you know. That's probably something I'm calm.

So give us an example of, you know, when people get blown up, yes, I find a lot of dick. So, do you do what I do when you find it? And immediately goes, "Oh." Yeah, I picked it up with two sticks.

Not chase people around with that. Ah, love that. You touch them, you're gay. I love that. (laughs)

Amazing, Brandon Brown. Well, so much fun. Congratulations. You got to do it. Thank you.

Right in the heart of the show. Thank you. Here's a big joke, old man. You fucking did it, dude. I have another job.

The Houston droppers are in the gym here. Houston can't catch a fucking cold. It's amazing. Okay, your next bucket pulled live in Houston, Texas, goes by the name of McKenzie Jewel.

Everybody, here we go. McKenzie Jewel. (upbeat music) We're gonna put McKenzie everybody. (crowd cheering)

Hey, gang. (laughs) Oh, yeah. I'm gay and autistic, so technically I'm a double minority, but because I'm white, it just levels out.

(crowd laughing) I'm bisexual, that kind of sucks. You know what I mean? 'Cause I feel like bisexual is gayer than being gay. You know?

“'Cause when you're by, that means that you like dick and pussy, right?”

So if you choose some dick over pussy, that's gay. (crowd laughing) That's really gay. But I'm autistic and bitches love the tism dick. (crowd laughing)

I'd be stimming and they shit, you know? (crowd laughing) I'm like damn bitch, this is a serious sin, so I don't really know. (crowd laughing)

I'm in home, I'm like, so when you store your large files, do you use dropbox or one drive? (crowd laughing) You know? I'm really bad at Netflix and chilling,

'cause I always just want to pay attention to the movie, you know?

(crowd laughing) On my babe, stop sucking my dick. This is the scene where Michael Keaton becomes the founder. (crowd laughing) (crowd laughing)

You'll get out of it. Amazing. Set McKenzie Jewel with a breakout performance. (crowd laughing) Welcome McKenzie, you're hilarious.

How old are you? How long have you been doing stand up? I'm coming up on my third year April. Fuck yeah, all of it here in Houston. Yes, sir.

I love it. What part of town do you live in? I'm over in West Chase right now, but I was on the show before and I mentioned, I grew up in the fall fall, acres homes.

Okay. Okay. You're like, if Mike Jones sucked on bones. Yeah. (crowd laughing)

Amazing. That's one of my favorite, you know, there's a lot of gay autistic comedians. But you came out with energy actouts. You kept everybody's attention.

Thank you. This is an absolutely incredible question for you. Are you the new blippy? Who's blippy? That's when I asked myself.

Just about a one Gen Z, but I don't, you know, I'm reform from TikTok. You know, it's not autistic. Okay. How old are you McKenzie?

I am 23, 23 years old. One of the kids up two nowadays. I mean, other than fucking anything that moves. All the ones I know just just hanging out and versad it open Mike's and shit.

Yeah. What's the most, what do you think is the most autistic thing about you? What's like your specialty? Everybody has a thing.

Some are good at chess. Some are good at numbers. This, that and the next.

“Honestly, I feel like I got fucked on the autism thing.”

I feel like I'm just like depressed, lazy autistic. Like, what are the superpowers you were hoping to obtain? I don't know. Being able to just have like one of those cool library brains that just knows a bunch of shit.

You know, I fried my brains on my brain on drugs. But I'm better now. Kind of drugs. I was hell into Coke. Really?

Yeah. Out of all. I did DMT on stage one time. That's cute. But the Coke, I can't imagine.

I've never seen like a nerdy Coke head before.

Just, yeah, you know. And I was, and I wasn't cool. What were you doing? You would get drunk with your pals or whatever. Yeah, just doing open mics for three people and shit, you know.

Wow. Yeah. I mean, I swear to God when you came out, I thought you were a woman. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm not going to lie. I'm still not sure. Can I? I actually, I lived as a woman for a year. Can you tell?

Yeah. Let's go to a clip. Yes, not a joke. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I believe it. She actually made a couple netflix specials.

Everybody live. Wow. Incredible. So tell us about living as a woman for you. By the way, I feel like this is every 23 year old in the country right now.

We're all going to die. Oh, the Macchickins and shit got the fucking estrogen, you know. You got the estrogen from the Macchickins. What do you mean? I don't know.

We're trying to fix that. Give us some time. All right. Okay. Okay.

Joining us in the Macchicken report. Yeah. But no, I, I just, I had pink hair. I worked at a comic book store. I was the happiest I ever was actually when you were a woman.

Tell us what you were doing to be a woman though. You're putting on a dress for you. Yeah. A hot topic, clearant sales. You were working at hot topic.

No. No, but I'll buy from hot topic a lot. What would you, what would you buy exactly? Skirts and shit and cute little frog shirts and shit. Did you go buy Mackenzie?

Yeah. Yes, cool thing. Yeah. Can we see your tits now that you're not a girl? No, red band.

Red band. You can't do that because that's harassment. When you ask somebody that's sharing things with us to show us their tits, whether it's a bully or a girl that's disrespectful. And it's unacceptable in today's normal society.

Can we see your tits? Yeah. Whoa. Look at those. He's still a band, everybody.

He kept the dude tits. No double scars for this guy. Well, pulled you out of it. You know, I started taking edibles. And I just was on an edible.

And I had this ego death that was insane. And I was like, wow, I'm kind of ugly as a woman. Yeah. That's amazing. I wish we could send that exact clip to every fucking half gay kid around the world right now.

Oh, no club. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good. We keep an open mind at the same time. It's just contaminating everybody.

“Tell us, how do you think you were led down that path?”

Do you have liberal parents? I mean, they kind of let me run for a year. Yeah, you know, I was home schooled. No.

I never got, I never went to high school.

But I have a diploma that says certified improv badass. So that's something your parents made that for you? No, I did two years in improv for it. You know, that's the gayest thing about you. Yeah.

Amazing. So what's your preference at the end of the day? You think you're 50, 50 dudes in girls? What kind of boy are you? 75, 25.

Honestly. What about pets? What do you mean with pets? You're an animal. Not in a sexual, you know.

Could you give, you're giving off fairy vibes? Yeah. I'm a miracle. I'm a miracle. A, I told me I'm a miracle.

Oh, my God. He now identifies as a miracle. Yeah. Okay. Let's go back to the question.

Where we at? 50, 50.

“Honestly, my track record is mostly women.”

But I have probably pulled around with two guys. And I've had one boyfriend. Ooh.

First of all, let's give credit to the allowed.

What the fuck? From the Houston man. From some of the drives of truck. For a living. Let's put a spotlight on Harry homophobic.

Up there. He made it. He made it. He made it all the way through. Until McKenzie goes.

I had one boyfriend. What the fuck? Here you're not. I've been in my neighborhood. I mean, you can fuck them at all.

But Jesus, God say, you're, you know, fucking relationship days. Ugh. You keep that tism big. And that female haircut. Adam, I call to say it.

Look at my burger king. What the fuck? I'm going to have to drive the southwest. Houston just scream the end. We're in a field after this.

So tell us where a woman in the gayest thing you said is that you had a boyfriend. Yeah. Tell us about this boyfriend. He actually came on the show one time. His name is Jackson Amy.

Nobody cares about that. Tell us about your boyfriend. That was him. It was fine. It was okay.

I have a girlfriend now. I like it better. The first. Tell us why you like it better. Um, well, there's something softer about women.

“It almost seems like that's what your biology wants, isn't it?”

Yeah, right? Wow. Well, turns out we're all natural human animals. Ugh. My goodness gracious.

You almost said the first dick you ever.

And then I cut you off. Let's get back to that. The first dick I've resoked was black. Ooh. What's in that blue book?

[laughter] It was that ginger guy. [laughter] [laughter] Yeah.

Tell us about this black dick you sucked. How exactly does that happen? Were you just bullied and he forced it into your face?

You know, I thought because he had like magic

The gathering cards. The dick would be like kind of like, not the one. You were playing magic with a black guy? No. It's a magic Johnson.

I just thought because he had... I just thought because he had the cards. He would be like, it wouldn't be that. But it was big. And I didn't do it good probably.

When you say you didn't do it good probably.

“What exactly do you mean sir holds or what the fuck?”

[laughter] [laughter] Shut up. [laughter] I'm going to go get another drink before this fucking answer is that question.

[laughter] Give me a mic. Hard lemonade. I don't care if he's hard. I ain't gay.

[laughter] Can you twist a tweet? Please? Twinks? What?

Twisted T's are called tweets.

Maybe Twink? Whatever. Okay. Stick with me over. Okay.

When you say you probably didn't do a good job. What exactly do you mean? I just feel like I remember like half-assing it. Yeah. Like it was toothy.

Like probably. Ooh. Rat tattooed over here. [laughter] Amazing.

Toothy probably means 200 per person.

“If you think your teeth might be heading it.”

Oh. Toothy was the name of the black. [laughter] Toothy Jenkins. Why receiver?

University Alabama. [laughter] Number 34. Toothy Jenkins. Why receiver?

[laughter] Amazing. Amazing stuff. Uh, McKenzie. Uh, you are doing such a fucking good job.

Great answers. Great interview. Great set. Great set. Red band?

McKenzie. Ever in Austin? No. Have you on the secret show? Hell yeah.

Boom. On a Thursday. In Austin. The gay guy caught it.

“The first local to catch a joke book tonight.”

Was a bisexual 23-year-old. Let the record show. That guy will catch any type of... Any type of... Any type of...

Tell me... Thank you so much. Have a one more time for Heidi. Wow, everybody. Are they not...

Every time shit gets a little too gay up here. We bring them up here to remind us all what we're into. Right after you're done picturing a boy giving a toothy blowjob to a fat black spot. Heidi and Ballard here to remind us all that we're straight. Here we are.

Two bucket pulls. And now I present to you yet another boy born and raised. On the outskirts of Houston, Texas. You know him very well.

Well, never officially being a golden ticket winner or a regular.

He became famous for being funny offstage and then starting comedy on Kilsoni. And then growing, non-stop. And now he's to the point where he's headlining all over the country. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Houston's own. Uncle Laser.

He's there. [music playing] [music playing] City of Seraph, Groves de Texas. How we fell at the night.

[music playing] God damn, just in time for rodeo season. Favorite time in a year. Best time though, but I got damn rodeos and big fat black women. And I'm God damn.

Jeans and jeans shorts. Just throwing ass to our Lord and saved your George straight. [music playing] You ain't live to. You see somebody pop their pussy to Amorillo by morning.

I tell you what. [music playing] And you got them cat afford tortists. And big ass cat afford for tortists. Walk around him, airbrush shirts.

Says, "All right. I'm a girl. Barbecue stains on it. Look like a feral dog. Looking for a goddamn slice of brisket." [music playing] I pissed drunk out there last night and shacked up with this creature.

You know? I said, "Well, you from, baby, she's dead. I'm from the bay of Louisiana Bayer." I said, "I'm fucking Buffalo Bayer." That's where you from. You're from fucking.

But there I am in the back of the report focused. Okay. "Good in that pig and fucking lotsy." All right? And she goes, "Baby, you're gonna make this pussy fart."

[laughter] I said, "Do what?" [laughter] He said, "You're gonna make this pussy fart." I said, "Keep it fucking boys down.

Keep it boys down." I said, "What are you asking me?" She goes, "You're gonna make this pussy shit." [laughter] I'm text, my mom, I said, "Hey, I meant to use your livestock, so rode on age.

You come get me real quick. You're gonna have to come get me. Hey, secure the man, you're gonna make this pussy fart. Strong and silent type, but like that.

What does that sound like?

[laughter] Now, that ain't it. That ain't it. Did you need any seat, doctor? That ain't it.

“Magnificent salad, you're made a pussy fart.”

What does that sound like, boy? [laughter] Magnificent salad, ladies and gentlemen. Magnificent lift, I'll be great. Uncle, laser, and I didn't even know where to begin with that manic wild set.

But it was very, very awesome, great stuff. I tell the people watching the podcast around the world. What you're talking about about the Houston rodeo, which is an annual super weekend. It just so happens to be right now.

You know, they got Indians, Mexicans, blacks, white. Pretending like country dressing up. Pretending to know what they're doing there in the rodeo. It's fun, man. It gets pissed drugged afterdome.

You can buy an art. It's great, man. [laughter] Like the little elementary kids draw art shit. You can bid on it.

How about a horse there last year? Wow, you got the place running wild, right? Yeah, but the what the fuck guys enjoying himself right now. [laughter] Oh yeah.

Wow, so you're hooking up with a big girl. And she said, "Can you make this pussy foth?" Foth. She's Louisiana. It's Caucasian.

But like-- They speak no language. So like, that means fucker so hard that a bunch of air gets in there. Yeah, so it's like the proper knowing pleasure is quief. Right?

And fellas, if you ain't never had a happy T-wise inside it, it's going to startle you at first.

It feels like we put two magnets together and he puts you away. [laughter] And I told her, "What the fuck was that?" And she goes, "That's my pussy, leaving you a review." [laughter]

[laughter] [laughter] How's that bitch? How's that bitch? I hope you fucking crash into Brass' River when you go home.

[laughter] Wow. Absolutely incredible. [laughter] It is unsettling when a woman does that.

Yes. I had a girl go, "You did this to me." Yeah, well, but there's an isn't one rule of thumb when it-- If it smells, she actually farted. You hear me?

Yeah. That I did give away every time. Yeah. No doubt about it. I'm interested to hear what the other horn players might think a pussy foth sounds like.

You only got the saxophone. What else do we have anything from you guys? Is there another pussy fart noise that you guys can... ...must her up? [screaming]

Okay. You know I need that sweet sweet trombone down there. [laughter] There it is. That's it.

That's what I like. We found a winner. That smells going to hit about five seconds after that one. [laughter] That's the old regular old foth.

Foth. Amazing. So this beautiful beast from Louisiana that you made love to. How does an event like that end for you?

“You just, you get her in Uber, you're like, "Where?”

This took place in a car?" Yeah, four focus. There's her in four focus. Oh, yeah. Did the--

I marry a vehicle of most Louisiana people. Ballin' on a budget. Yeah. So you're in the back seat of the Ford Focus? We get later front seats down.

And it-- I mean, it was getting hot and heavy. This is heavy, you know? Yeah. At one point, I tried lifting up. I mean, my fucking leg was going numb.

I put my hand up on it when I was like, "Tutten it." You know what I'm saying in that back of the seat? [laughter] Oh. Yeah, I miss home.

You know? [laughter] That's Houston for you. That's it, man. I actually lost my Virginia by six minutes down the road

in a little trailer. Uh, lock a colonial down there. Wow. Yeah. You know, tell us about that.

“Tell us what was your age in which relative was it?”

I was-- [laughter] Buddy. I was-- I was 12 and-- Holy shit.

The Mexican girl was 14. The black dude was 16. Yeah. Hold on a second. There was guest hours in this.

Was Mackenzie Jules sucking his cock while this was happening? Well, yeah. Was the black guy getting a toothy blow job in the corner? No. Yeah.

Make that pussy five. Come on, ladies. Talk. Like I stole my mama's Jeep. I stole my mama's Jeep drain gear key.

And we drove down to there. We got in the window.

And he's like, I'm going to let you go first.

He's a gentleman. [laughter] And I got in there. And I'm just fooling about. Just happy to be there.

No idea what I'm doing. About 15 minutes go by. I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around just a big, beautiful black man. Just neck it.

But just a footer dick on him. You know? Look, I want to take them fucking shitty pictures of your kids. I didn't want it. None of the rivals.

And he's like, let me show you how it's done.

And I'm just sitting there like, you know, I know what to do. And he, you know, I'm driving houses.

“You know, they're kind of flimsy, you know?”

And he's fucking up against the wall. And they fell through that little plywood wall shit. Into her theater's room. Oh, my God. And then she starts hollering their language.

I don't understand. And then fucking would jump out of winter, and I get so nervous. I actually wrote my mom's Jeep off in the ditch. And cop came and shit. My mom took me home.

They took the black knee. Joe Turner, he was actually 47. So that called everybody. I made that card up. God damn it.

I made that card up. There aren't real black pedophiles. A little fun fact.

You'll never see a black pedophile.

And also a fun fact. Black people do not sneeze. [ Laughter ] If you guys know this, but it's a real thing. John Dees, can you confirm this?

Have you ever sneezed before? I just do it. I've actually never seen him really sneezing. Yeah, he's joking, but. Have you ever really sneezed?

Yes. Shut the fuck up. All right. I know black people can have thousands of me there. That feels like I've been fucked.

That's the fact. That's the fact. That's the fact. I can get sick of so much. You can't get into retardation stuff.

That's the fact. God damn it. Anyway, I'm at home. [ Laughter ]

The only kind of downs black people get her first downs on the football field.

Am I correct, everybody? Am I correct? [ Laughter ] Tooth the Jenkins. University, Alabama.

[ Laughter ] Uncle Laser, to watch you grow, set after set on this show is an anomaly. It's incredible. It's incredible.

In his hometown, six minutes away from where he lost his virginity in a trailer with a 14-year-old and a 16-year-old black man. One more time for Uncle Laser, to watch out. [ Laughter ] Trump, swing, who's gay?

[ Cheers and applause ] Back to the bucket. We get her. And your next bucket full goes by the name of Kyle Clinton. Everybody's Kyle Clinton.

Oh, my goodness. Not a hand for Heidi as well. She'll be correct. That's a real act. She works out every week.

Here's Kyle Clinton, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] Whoo! [ Cheers and applause ] My big brother recently told me he got a vasectomy.

And then he asked me if I was going to get a vasectomy.

“I was like, "I think I got to begin some pussy first."”

[ Laughter ] Being from Eastern Kentucky sometimes, people ask me if I banked my cousin. I'm like, "No." She was homecoming queen. She was way out of my league.

Plus I had a big brother, like six cousins. My family had some real stiff competition. [ Laughter ] Growing up in Kentucky sometimes people think I was brought up to Baptist, but I was actually raised Methodist.

Then in my 20s I became a crystal Methodist. [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, everybody. I'm Kyle Clinton. Kyle, mother fucking Clinton, is done it again.

Always funny. Love your delivery.

Love everything about you. How are you feeling Kyle? Still fantastic. Thank you, everybody. [ Laughter ] Have you been here before to Sugarland? I have. I saw Chris Rockin here.

I saw Jay Leno in here at this venue. At this part, financial center. I love it. Amazing. Is this Houston where you're from? Yeah. I grew up in Eastern Kentucky, but I live here now. What made you choose Houston?

Work? Perfect. Would it now fun? Yeah. What do you do for work? Well, I was managing shopping centers and right now I'm substitute teaching.

“Okay. What shopping centers were you managing at the time?”

Perhaps woodlands or something? What? Somebody who's called? Most of them were in small towns. I worked for a guy whose family owned a chain of department stores in this area and throughout Texas.

Clares. Weeners. What's weeners? Weeners. I know some people out there familiar. Stop saying that. You're making me hard. What is that place?

To everybody got their school clothes growing up, apparently. Really? Yeah. You guys got your clothes at a place called Weeners? [ Cheers and applause ] Right now, that guy up there is like, "What the fuck?"

Right, it wasn't open. Wow. I just thought they started selling kids Weeners recently. Society, media, propaganda, it's a whole thing. Kyle, I love your bisectomy. Did you really do crystal meth?

Yes, I have 13 years not doing it.

How did you end up starting?

“Explain to me, I've always been curious.”

How does one start doing crystal meth? Being very distracted is where I'm at start. Okay. Can you give me an end? Look at what you mean. We're thinking about other things. Having to cram for a test and then taking aadroll

and then advancing whenever I did not have aadroll. Right. Because crystal meth can fill in for aadroll. For those of you that are running a little low on aadroll. Just remember.

Just substitute. Yeah. Isn't it crystal meth though, like, you see shit? Like, right this snake. And shit, like that.

If you take enough aadroll, you'll see shit. But tell us about it. Okay. Yeah. Shit, I know.

I mean, I had to sell aadroll. I had some aad neighbors who could get it. And that became an option for me whenever I was out of adroll. You know, a good neighbor. Help a guy in need.

So some neighbors give you a baking soda. These neighbors like, why don't we create a man? Yeah. I hate fart. Yeah.

And I don't know. It works. Yeah.

That's the wildest thing you've ever done on crystal meth.

Oh, that's a very good question. Tony, that's an excellent question.

“Look through your people a lot out outside.”

Yes. Let your students dress you with their hand me down from weeners. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Searching through the carpet naked. Looking for more, maybe. Ooh. Why? Why?

Why naked? Because porn's on. Oh, okay. We kind of porn you watching on crystal meth. Anything crazy?

What's the wildest porn you've ever watched? Uh, great question. Penguin porn. Um, striped porn. Ooh.

Interracial porn. Ooh, right? Get in warmer. Now say the truth. Yeah.

Clients and midgets. Mm-hmm. You know, I hate to say this. I just might not hate unless you're up close. You do look like the clown from it on his day off.

Uh, I'll tell you. Patially. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

I get told I look like a lot of people. So me said I look like Charlie Kirk this week. Ooh. Not great. Not great.

Yeah. Not great. I got Mr. Bean. Yep. I was like, wow.

Middle school, and I was Mr. Bean. I was impressed. Yeah. What do you substitute teaching exactly? Anything.

All grades. You think I know something like a video? Sometimes. They watched a video. Yeah.

But sometimes you try to go with the current program. I try. Yeah. You were throwing some interracial porn just to see what they, uh, Okay.

No, never. Just make it small talk. I was called Mr. Ed steam this week. It was also not great. Not great.

Yeah. But I was surprised they knew who that is. Yeah.

“Wouldn't you have to do to get that moniker?”

Yeah. Walk around. Wow. Just be me. Do they bully you?

Yes. They bully me every day at the middle school. I was called a pussy ass bitch. Oh, there we go. Okay.

The kind that called you, the kid that called you, that what did he look like? What race was he? He was black. Yeah.

Thank you so much. Okay. Do you fire back? I did not. You had a word you could have used.

I did. Depending on what part of Houston you were in. Yeah. Uh, so when they call you, so what were you? Why did that kid call you a pussy ass bitch?

Did you, did you, did you? Was there a context of that situation? She said I disrespected him. After I told him that I said, I said, I said, this is an AB conversation.

You can see your way that way. Wow. Black people hate that. Yeah. Yeah.

He's like. He's like, I'm going to stay in it. And I was like, hey, come over here and tell the coach what you said. Like trying to write him out.

Are you tattled? Are you fucking pussy? I really are. You really are a pussy ass bitch. Yeah.

I am a bitch. Get it right. Wow. You like, say it to his face. Because I'm too big of a pussy to say it.

That's right. No cap. Your patient. But I would like to see you or hear about you snapping the kids because I feel like there's, for every patient, sweet, you know,

uh, affable dude is, uh, is a streak of rage. I'm sorry. Feels like it's building up within you. You seem like the kind of guy.

You might be the first ever teacher that is the school shooter.

Oh, God. It's only a matter of time. No, it would be a first. For those of you keeping track, no teachers. Almost 85% trans people nowadays.

So the shooters. So it could be the odds are higher that it would be McKenzie Jewel.

Now I have an intercom.

I have to get louder than them.

“I have to get my voice above there so they can hear me.”

But I can't, yeah, like do anything. Like shut up, pussy. The kid that called you Mr. Epstein was, did it make the class laugh because your real name is Mr. Clinton. I'm starting to make that connection in my head right now.

What it was, Mr. Clinton. Wow. Look at that. Those kids are smart. They're awesome.

I've been president of those kids were born. Okay. You had a great set Kyle. We absolutely love you. Here's a big joke.

But boom. We're having fun here tonight. You guys having fun out there? How about the upper mouth? Can you hear you guys having fun?

Oh, God. Oh, my goodness. All right. Onward we go. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise to your next bucket pool.

It is Nanzio, Gianni, everybody. Nanzio. A little pop, a little pop, or Nanzio. How are we doing today, you said? Awesome.

My name's Nanzio Gianni.

“I was really coming from Miami for my birthday.”

So I don't know if we got any folks from Miami or Miami.

I know the strippers are amazing.

I love them too. I'm fairly young. I moved to Miami when I was 16. Dating was actually really hard. 16 and 18 early 20s because Miami's not a place for somebody young like me.

But I guess I got a taste and so strippers and hose. So I think I could do all right. Um, I'm Puerto Rican and Italian. My estimate is kind of hard to pick when I come to Texas. I'm either Mexican or colored.

So guys, I'm really nervous, guys. This is my first time. Fuck. All right. I'm going to cut you off there.

Nanzio Gianni. This is the first time Phil Tony has had its own half-time show. Everybody. That looks exciting. To have an illiterate Puerto Rican up here,

responsible for entertaining us. Absolutely amazing, Nanzio. More funny. Yeah. That's good.

Bad funny. Okay, Nanzio. Did you prepare for this at all? You know, I did about a year ago. I wrote a minute.

We were supposed to come for my birthday. Um, but I didn't review. So you didn't review it? Puerto Rican. I tried lazy.

Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's all right. That set was garbage. It was.

It was certainly garbage. Okay. Nanzio, let's at least try to salvage this in the interview portion. How old are you?

I'll be 22 next week. Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a mortgage broker. A mortgage broker.

Jesus. How is that what you wanted to do? No, but I do want to do it now. I kind of find myself into it. And I do really like it.

I genuinely do have the opportunity to help people. You're into it? Yeah. Yeah. It's amazing.

We're doing the into it dome in Los Angeles. It's a 16,000 seat venue in L.A. Uh, in May at the Netflix is a joke best. You said into it. It made me think of the wild success that I got by not being a mortgage broker

and chasing my dreams. Right. Um, amazing. So you seem like a decent looking guy. Right?

What's your love life like? Um, uh, a little difficult. You know, I'm really busy with work a lot of the time. But, um, oh, guys, come on. You guys think I'm not laying some posts?

Give me a break. Oh, my God. Lay some posts. You guys don't think I'm laying posts over here? Huh?

I'll tell you. Look, I'll tell you honestly. Miami's a tough place to genuinely find somebody. Daniel. What are you talking about?

It's literally like, it's always hot.

Like, it's like, everyone's like, you made it. They're pulling out that pussy all the time. It's just women. Oh, no. I love it.

It's great for me to have a good time. But in terms of, but you're trying to settle down. Oh, I would appreciate a girl to like kick it with. You know what I mean? But you can't find one.

Miami's tough. Okay. You just keep saying Miami's tough. Well, especially for me, guys. I moved to Miami when I was 16.

So. Where did you move to Miami from? I'm trying to save you here. If you just focus on me, pretend like it's just me and you in the room. But don't be gay about it.

All right. Okay.

“So where are you trying to find good women at in Miami?”

Where are you going to try to find them? Or what are you doing? Are you on the apps? No, I don't like the apps. No. Usually, usually a strip clubs.

Just focus over here. Focus over here. Oh, you're trying to find a good girl.

Well, you know, sometimes you could find a good one.

“Have you ever found a good one at a strip club?”

Yeah, yeah. Okay. My mom actually works in a lot of the major clubs in your mom. What made major strip clubs? Yeah, yeah.

What is your mom do at the strip clubs? Well, she does not strip. I want to make that clear. Okay. She's a VIP host.

The crowd was hoping for that to be your one redeeming fact. Everybody wanted her to be like a 35-year-old stripper that shoots ping pong balls out of her. She's-- Fuck it.

Fuck yeah. I just made the what the fuck guy come in his pants. All right. There's got to be a saving grace here. Nenzio Gianni.

I'm trying to save you here. Give us one fun fact about you or your entire life that will win over the entire crowd here in Houston, Texas. There has to be something that you've done. Some accomplishment.

Something he's looking to his family. Like this is the price is right. He's looking for advice and section 101 here. I grew up in a funeral home. Oh, you grew up in a funeral home.

Okay. How did you grow up in a funeral home? Tell us about that.

“It was my great grandfather's funeral home.”

And then it became my mother's. She handled it for the most part. Your mom was working at a funeral home and strip club. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you have a dad in your life?

You know, I did. It was a kind of difficult. But yeah, I did have a dad. What do you mean it was difficult? I was split between two households.

So. Yeah. It's checking with Hall of Famer Adam Ray. I'm going to see what's going on in your head. Yeah, this is not great.

What's happening. But you know, you're staying in the pocket. I've got to give you some credit. You're not like, you know, crying or turning and running out through the curtains.

So it is tough to be up here. What the people booming go realize it is tough to walk out here and even fucking fry. So yeah. It's true.

You know, but this has been pretty bad. But you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take. Can we ask Harry home of both? What do he think?

So they're in the third balcony.

Hey, the what the fuck guy? What do you think about Nanzio Gianni? Only, only that guy. And everyone else. Be quiet.

Everyone else. Be quiet. And here we go. Yeah. A bunch of people tried.

We knew that was going to happen. Turns out a lot of guys have an opinion about you. Let's check in with Kim Condon here. Well, I just, I just really noticed something. And maybe I could give a little piece of advice.

You're half Italian, half Puerto Rican. But you're like, the energy you're giving is like, co-cad, frapp bro.

“Like, I think you need to lean into more who you are.”

Like, what's the most Italian and Puerto Rican thing about you? What is the most. Well, let's start with Puerto Rican here. What's the most Puerto Rican thing about you? Um, I, you don't recycle.

I don't want to show for a year. Um, I like the dance. Okay. You know what? Michael and Michael in the horns.

Give us a little Puerto Rican something here. Come on. One, two, three, four. Oh, there it is. Hey.

Hey. That's what they're good at. Everybody. Hey. There you go.

That's good. That's good. All right. Stop. That's enough.

It's unbearable. There's ice. Okay. I'm getting you out of here. Nenzio Gianni.

Here's a little joke book. Oh. Right off the chance to find out. Thank you, sir. I mean, if you're going to boo, you might as well boo.

There you go. Get it out of your systems. The good news is this is working out. The flow of this show is working out perfectly because coming off of, oh my god.

That's very fun.

Like I said, every time someone struggles, there's always something there to clean up

the mess. And this is working out great after every golden ticket winner, regular, whatever we've had. So far, someone does good. And then someone does bad. And then I always have something to clean up the mess.

This is another one of those situations. Ladies and gentlemen, this next comedian won a golden ticket. Live in an arena on Netflix on New Year's Eve. She is with us here tonight in absolute sensation. Makes a noise for one of the newest stars of Kiltowni.

This is the Houston debut of a young everyone. You know her. You're a little Chinese dance. What's up, here's the. And we just finished the Black History Month.

Fuck Black History Month. Fuck Asian here this month too. Why did they make our calendar racial? Seems like everywhere I go, they want to ask for my race. You apply for a school, what's your race?

See, where I grew up?

They don't ask that question.

[ Laughter ] Because we're better at keeping our bloodline pure. [ Laughter ] So many different races to pick from under that question too. Hispanic, non-Hispanic, black, white, pacific, allender.

In Asian countries, we'll just put people into two categories. Asian or intruders. [ Laughter ] Thank you. Boom, another exact minute for me, young.

Very funny, great stuff. It is true, you guys keep your bloodline pure. [ Laughter ] Remind us, how long have you been in America? This is 2012, 2014.

Is there anything that surprised you about all the white people that you saw all of a sudden?

“I think white people are very good at being functional, drug addict.”

[ Laughter ] Yeah, that is it. Yeah, I snorted cocaine for 10 years and I'm helping people with the healthcare. [ Laughter ]

That is amazing. [ Laughter ] That was pretty good. [ Laughter ] It's like RFK Jr., and you're like PF Changs Jr.

[ Laughter ] I think I met you at the Rubin' Tug about six days ago. [ Laughter ] I love it too soon. I love you, Adam. Can I please get on top to fill life?

[ Laughter ] There you go. [ Laughter ] It's to be on Dr. Fio live. Oh, yeah.

Dr. Fio. [ Laughter ] Yeah, yeah.

“Young, see, your introduction to all different types”

of cultures was here in America because in China, there really is basically just Chinese people. After meeting black people, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? I've done a lot of black things.

I was trying to save up for a Dodge Challenger. [ Laughter ] Oh, my God. Black as hell. [ Laughter ]

That is tonight's Doritos. Joke in the night. [ Laughter ] I was actually -- I boarded a half-black baby. That was pretty bad.

You did? Yeah, yeah. Rest in peace, Laquinsha. Oh, God. Damn it. It's a kept her show look like King Conde.

That is true. That is amazing.

Oh, goodness. No, I'm just kidding. I never had a abortion. My mom did. My mom had three abortions before me. Wow.

Let's go to a clip. [ Laughter ] We don't have it. We don't have it. Why did your mom have three abortions before you? She just hated my dad.

Were they boys? Oh, all? Uh, I -- That's the opposite in China, right, Ben? Yeah.

They abort the girls. Not anymore, huh? Not anymore? No, they need girls. They don't know they have too many boys. Right.

Yeah. It backfrialled. [ Laughter ] Stuff. I love it. Now, one thing that we've learned about you young,

'cause you've had a lot of appearances since you became a golden ticket winner on New Year's Eve, is that you're a very sneaky roaster. Yeah. I make fun of people.

Has anyone ever roasted you? I mean, I get attacked online on a time.

“People, you know, trying to say shit online, was I?”

Uh, but I don't take it personally. Um, but one time, you know, in this country, it's hard to survive. And one day, my mom called me. She's like, you know, it's hard.

Why are you here? Like, you're struggling. And she said, um, nobody's going to help you.

Nobody's -- you'll never find anyone

that will truly love you in this country. And that kind of hurt -- I hope you. Oh, look, you got red band here. Red band has been stalking me online.

Like, he follows all of my social media. Like, I see him popping on my TikTok, suggest the account. Yeah, well, your name is his type of girl. Oh, my friends.

Yeah. You went from red line to the red line. Yeah, I'm not concerned. I think red band's, like, his face is getting dark.

because -- Could be. A lot of -- a lot of late night home cooked barata cheese. It gives me a lot of pills. No, she's going to play the sound effect at his funeral.

Did she? [ Laughter ] Mommy. Did she? I only -- you can say that.

[ Laughter ] I got the trouble for saying that once. Yep. Oh, I can say it. Let me say it.

Oh, yeah. Just like how you point the cam. [ Laughter ] Young, you are hilarious.

Adam, is this your first time seeing you?

First time hilarious. Match it the mothership a few times, but very funny to see you live. Good job. Uh, this is your first time in Houston. Mm-hmm.

I happen to know, for a fact, you had your first time ever at a bucky's on the way here. Oh, yeah. What did you think about bucky's? Well, everything's bigger and better in Texas.

[ Cheers and applause ] I love Texas. What? Okay, Puerto Rican together. We call it the most traffic in America. [ Laughter ]

I could do something. Red light, yellow light. That's what I call you, too. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]

Young, you are a gem. You're so different than everybody else. I just see a little superstar every time I see you. How about one more time for young everybody? [ Cheers and applause ]

Let's keep it moving along. We have our first one word name of the night.

Now, these always historic it historically.

If you end up looking at the statistics of the last 13 years of Kiltowni, you will find that the one word names are always always a little something. They're either brilliant and sane. Anything can happen.

Make some noise.

“But what I believe is the Kiltowni debut of Smithy,”

everybody. SMI, FFY, Smithy. Oh, hell yeah, here we go. [ Cheers and applause ] Sup, niggas?

[ Laughter ] You guys are easy. Uh, yeah, I ever tried to be friends with a gay person. I have 'cause I'm progressive, but you got watch out for 'em,

'cause I'm niggas, they will try to fuck you. Like, I went out with buddy, and we went shot for shot. We was having a great fucking time. But he waited until I got good and drunk.

And then he started trying to challenge me to like, weird games. He was like, yo, I bet you, I could beat you in a dick-suck competition. [ Laughter ]

And that shit really blew me 'cause I'm like,

there's no way I'm a lose to a f***. Like, wait, listen, I'm not gay. I'm just competitive. Isn't it? Tom's a change in.

Tom's a change in. We got old niggas yans now. Like, I don't know if y'all ever thought about this, but whatever happened to old black people. They used to be in the church.

They used to give great advice. A old niggas, my job last week, came up to me. He was like, where the hose at? Niggas, your kids are the hose. What are you talking about?

All right, yeah, that's my time. Smithy. Fuck yeah, Smithy. Welcome, welcome. Who's up, Tom?

How you doing, buddy? How long you been doing standing up? About a year? I love it all here in Houston. No, I started in Savannah, Georgia.

Okay, is that earlier born in bread? No, I'm from Connecticut. Okay. Wow. Very rare.

Very rare. Connecticut black. What made you move to Savannah? Um, I don't know. I just got out.

I was living in Missouri. I was in the military. Oh, so, like, after living in Missouri being around, like, like, white country people? I was like, I want to be surrounded by black country people, so.

“Yeah, that's what, what, uh, branch in the military did you swing from?”

Oh, wait. Yeah, you, you bitch. You bitch. Got you. I got you.

No, seriously. What did you do in the military? Black ops? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Black, black cocked down. Yeah. All right. This guy's good. Yeah.

Uh, now is an army. Hmm. Okay. What did you do in the army? The room, man.

You thought what? What did you do in the army? I was in mechanic. No. Okay.

Awesome. Did you serve overseas at all? Uh, just to real. Oh, wow. Like, a little bit like, wait.

What was, what was Korea like? Uh, did you get to have any fun out there? Just to go out? Not at all.

“Really, honestly, it was like the most depressing time of my life.”

Tell us about that. Why? Uh, so I had to exit the time and we had broke up. So I was just in Korea just heartbroken. Just eating chicken, getting explosive diarrhea.

It was really, it was really, it was a, it was a try and time. Like, I got the body like a bunch, they have like, all the clothes there. So it's like, I got to get like a bunch of drip. It was cool. Okay.

Korean drip. Yeah.

Okay. Smithy. Now, do you live here in Houston now? Uh, yes, sir. What made you move to Houston?

Uh, honestly, your show. I just didn't have any money to move to Austin. Yeah. It was a three hours away. It wasn't, it takes money, Tony.

Do you sign up for Kiltoni sometimes?

Uh, actually, I've only, this is my second time.

You signed up once in Austin didn't get up. Bonnie, Bonnie enough. It's like, I didn't go to Austin. I went to LA to like the forum show. Interesting.

Yeah, but I didn't pick that leg. I don't know. Yeah. I just, I was just trying. I was like, I don't know.

I was like, I don't know. I like, sometimes I like, try my luck. I was like, this is my workout. It worked. It did.

Yeah. Amazing. So you live here in Houston now? What do you do for work? Uh, I'm a truck driver.

A truck driver. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. I'm bringing a sexy back. I love it.

Uh, when, when people drive by you and go like this. Do you honk the horse? No. Okay. Red band.

We know you have a soundboard thing.

Only little kids. Right.

“What do you want to ask, man, is get the fuck really?”

Because I do it. I do it all the time. Me too. Like this? Oh, you son of a bitch.

No, you son of a bitch. I swear to God, you do that one more time. I'm going to give you the toothiest blow chop you've ever got. I'm telling you. Tooth or false.

Don't throw at me. What a good song. Okay. What you rely. You rely, Missy.

All right. Um, okay. So why haven't you made the drive to, uh, if you moved a Houston four kiln Tony, why haven't you made the drive to Austin to sign up? Because it's like, I'd be working, man.

It was like, it's hard. It was like, I'll be tired. And I got some of you. Some might always tired. I'm worried.

People think I'm wearing these guys because I'm late. I'm just tired. Okay.

That's the same reason why D madness wears his.

Not a lot of people know that. Not blind. He's just tired sometimes. How do you say awake if you're driving the truck for so long? Caffeine?

Yeah. I'm wired.

“What do you exactly do you have a special regimen that you go through?”

What? Uh, I just usually, to be honest, it's probably not healthy. It's like, just like thermogenics and, like, celcius? Okay. Yeah.

Thermogenics, celcius. Those are your cousin's names. Yeah. Uh, you know what's funny? I actually been trying to, like,

I don't know how to pronounce your name. Is it Kim Condom? Or it's Kim? How do I say it? It doesn't matter.

Okay. Sorry. Smithy, do you have a girlfriend now? No. No.

What's your dating life like? Uh, to be honest, I, like, I'm pigeon-tote. So it's like, I don't get a lot of girls because of that. Like, when I walk, it's like, Let me see, you put the mic in the mic stand

and then walk past Michael's drums. Walk that way. Sweet us. That's not bad at all. All right, walk back towards me.

Damn. I know I can, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Fun fact, he did shit his pants halfway on that walk. Your pigeon asked as well.

“Anyway, um, you think that's what's stopping you”

from having a girlfriend? Uh, probably. Wow. No, it's not. It's amazing.

Winston has his, like, date you went on or something. Uh, I don't know. How long have you lived in Houston? Probably like two years.

Two years. Because like, 50 bucks to just go outside. So I was like, I just play video games. Don't you make money driving trucks? Yeah, but it is like, I got to save it for what?

For my dog. You have a dog? Yeah. You, for your dog's drinking hat. Like, what is it?

What do you buying for your dog? That he needs so much money. He's spoiled, man. Yeah. What do you get?

An animal black guy. So I was like, I don't just like a black guy, but Oh, I remember. He's saving up for a dog's challenger. [ Laughter ]

What do you spend your money on? Give us some fun things that you spelled? Yeah. We stole that. But what would you spend your money on?

[ Laughter ] What kind of dog do you have? Uh, he's a hound/boxer mix. Okay. Yeah.

Don't be low-fucker. Yeah. Why not a pickle? Well, that is a racist question red band. And when you say things like that, it makes people of color

not want to sign up for the show. Why not a pickle? [ Laughter ] They have like, pet laws. Like, uh, so they have an aggressive, uh, breed policy.

So if you say, like, apartment complexes, you can't, like, ah, yeah, you can't have certain dogs. Right. So instead, you got a box or a hound. Wait, you said, what?

Nothing. [ Laughter ] Smith, if you give us one more fun fact about your life before you get you out of here. Um, I just found out a couple of weeks.

I'm a dance-and-ass nigga. He's like, "I'll be too." [ Laughter ] I could tell.

So do we get spot our own? Yeah.

“When you say you're a dance-and-ass friend of ours.”

[ Laughter ] What exactly do you mean? It's like, I was walking in, like, uh, H.E.B. a couple of days ago. Mm-hmm.

And like, I have-- Make some noise for H.E.B. ladies and gentlemen. I mean, it can't go. I will not let it be mentioned without getting it. It's own special time on the show.

It is just an unbelievable anomaly. We were talking about it literally on the way here on the bus here because we stopped at Bucky's, which is a national treasure. And the conversation just comes up every goddamn time. Texas has the best gas stations.

We have the best grocery stores. We have just the light. Winter lasted. Two weekends this fucking year. It is unbelievable.

Tell us about this trip to H.E.B. [ Laughter ] Now, I just had my headphones in. I was playing, like, uh, grinding by the Neptune's, and I was just freaking--

And pop-locked. So crazy. I was literally playing that on the drums earlier. Asking my dear Black friend John D's. If he knows that song.

“And, uh, and it's the only song that we talked about before the show”

was grinding by the clips of my correct. He can confirm. Uh, and then what happened? When you were playing grinding, you were dancing in the H.E.B. And then, what?

Someone interviewed you into a dancing competition. You found out you were a dancer. Ah, it's like, sometimes you just come to realizations.

It's like, you know, like, like, the first time you probably figured out you was gay.

Yes. Absolutely. I was in an H.E.B. I had my headphones on. I fell onto a bread stick. And, uh, [ Laughter ]

Why don't we hear-- Why don't we see a little bit of dancing from you? And then, we're going to have the great Hall of Famer, Adam Ray, who happens to also be a dance and ass, mother fucker. We're going to have a little dance competition here.

All right. I'm going to throw Adam on the spot, the legend, Adam Ray. Let's let him go first. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Smithy, everybody.

This is our cover of the clips. Grind it. Oh shit. Whoa. Oh shit.

Go page and toe. Go page and toe. It's our birthday. Oh shit. Whoa.

Oh. Oh. Oh, my goodness. There he goes. There it is.

Breaking into the jewelry store. That's what we call that dance. Oh. Wow. That's literally what I was going to do.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, a man who's never taken a loss

in the history of the show. Doing his dancing ass. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh.

Oh. Oh. The people were the windows seal. Oh, the I don't know how to swim. Oh, my goodness.

It's. Whoa. Oh, he transferred it. Whoa. Oh, he's got his heart.

Oh, he took a pint of his heart. Oh, my God. Oh. I got. You're going to jump.

I'm going to hand for Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen. I'm panicked.

“I thought what would the fucking closet of gay guy do?”

What the fuck? You were getting Smithy with it. Well, Smithy. You are so fun. Amazing stuff.

Here is a big joke book from both sides. It just so happens to be plated and gold. Because I know your people like things like that. Smithy, ladies and gentlemen. First of all, take note.

A black man has never dropped a joke book in the history of the show.

13 years running. They don't know how to not catch things, including HIV. Now, your next bucket pulled a little jump. That's looks stupid. Those by the name make some noise for Chris Martinez.

Everybody, you're first. But if you're speaking Houston, true Latino, I've been here for three years. Hell yeah. Sorry if I was pulling that drink on you by the way. That was a rude of me.

Appreciate you guys up there. Yeah. I'm not retarded, but I spent 15 dollars for rocks. Anybody have that problem? I don't know.

I'm starting to think that Cam Patterson sold out. You know. He jumped off the Kill Tony show when straight to SNL. And all of a sudden, he's selling rocks for $15. It's like they were promised to him 3,000 years ago.

Isn't that right? All right, well enough about the Jews. Let's talk about corpus Christi Texas where I'm from. Donald Trump was just there yesterday. Everybody give a hand for Donald Trump.

The greatest president ever lived. You see this beautiful bridge. I built that bridge. My administration. We built it in 2017.

Sleepy Joe Biden. Sleepy Joe Biden. He cut the port. He cut the funding. And then we brought it back in 2020.

You can move all you want, but he's the greatest president in my right Tony.

That's not good to political though.

OK. You want to over his time there, Chris. I'm going to stop you. He's the only president right now. There's only one.

“So you spent the first 10 seconds of apologizing to a group of people that you spelled”

a drink on, then no one would have ever known about. Yeah. And then you took shots at one of the most beloved humans in the history of the show. A person that these people all watch do a new minute and an integral of every single week. You don't like them.

Is that the implication? No. I love can't. I bought his rocks for 15 bucks. You know, you got to love him.

They told that true. I'm confused. So it's like an online store or something. No, it was actually the Austin show. The Austin, the New Year's Eve show.

OK. Yeah, $15. They told me they might be signed. So I fell for it, I guess. Go, Matt.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't understand. But all right. So you made a deal about that.

No one knew what you were talking about. Yeah. He said that. And then you went on to do a bad impression. Of the current president, which you just said things that he's actually said before.

There was no comedy added to it or anything like that. Yeah. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? Twice. At the little pizza shop in Corpus Christi.

OK. We know about that little pizza shop. Brick city or something. What's a ski street? Miss ski street.

That's right. OK. They like Chris. Before I get you out of here because you did nothing here tonight. Yeah.

Somehow you're the only true Mexican that's been pulled and you did less work than anybody. Shout out. Shout out to you. OK. All right.

I fucking love you Adam Ray, you're the best. OK. I love you too, Blair. I thought we'd deported all you guys. What's going on?

And that's your Topo Chico. Joke or the night. All right. No one knows how to bring the room to a halt like you do. Incredible.

Chris, before I get you out of here, give me one redeeming quality about you. They don't make all these people fall in love with you because right now you've wasted three minutes of it. I'm just going to lean into the hay. I'm a door door solar rip. I'm not going to go up the solar.

Yeah. It's leaning. There's no sense. OK. We're going to keep it moving along.

Here's a little joke. But there you go. Chris Martinez, everybody. He caught it. Got to give him that.

Got it. There you go. There he goes. It's a strange eye contact and pointed at him. Ray is he walks off.

I don't think I've had a faint of my dance moves. He's like, you can move like that. That made me miss my mom. I don't know. That was sad.

Sometimes I just keep it moving along.

“Sometimes I think there might be an interview.”

Trust your mistakes, don't. Sometimes I don't. I know what you're doing. Fine. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Clay McClaren.

Everybody. Clay McClaren. Here we go. Hey, everyone. How's it going tonight?

Well, I'm probably going to start Carter than that other guy. But I'm going to do my best.

So I had my first sexual interaction with a female to male transgender person.

What sucked is that her clip was bigger than my dick. Also, I went and met some dude named. I don't know, like, Dr. Phil or something a while back. I gave him a hand job at bookies. Also, I work at a comedy club.

And I give many hand jobs there. The best part about this is that I get to eat all the come. What the fuck? That was the punchline that you held your hand up and made us all wait for. Just hand jobs, hand jobs, jerked out this guy jerked out that guy.

Thank you. Good night. You work at a comedy club. What do you do at the comedy club? I'm in a bit staffing.

It's much better to be the worst comedy club. Where's this comedy club at? It's an Houston. What's it called? Punchline Houston.

Wow. And you do event staffing. Yes, sir. Okay. You're adorable.

“I think you're funny, you're than what you did on stage tonight.”

So let's talk about it. I just want real answers. Okay, Clay. Yeah, of course. How old are you?

I am 30. When you wake up in the morning, truly, without trying to be funny, take us through your routine.

What's the very first thing you do?

Do you lay in bed for a little bit? Do you get out of bed immediately? What do you do? Take a drink of alcohol. I couldn't hear you because of a loud sound effect that happened.

Go ahead. Thank you, Red Van. Go ahead.

What's the first thing you do?

Take a drink. You take a drink? Yeah. You drink alcohol? Well, still in bed.

Yeah. Even though I just got out of rehab a while back. Okay. Perfect. I'll get you off the wagon.

Okay. Oh my. First of all. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. So who? Were you in rehab for alcohol? What's that? Were you in rehab for alcohol only?

Yeah. Okay. That was a lie. Yeah. Yeah.

I had to hesitate. Let's talk about this drinking problem. Yeah.

“And so what take us through a day of how much you drink?”

Before I went to rehab, it was at least half a gallon a day, half a gallon of vodka?

Yes. Wow. Amazing. How did it get to that point? When did you start drinking?

21 or before? Uh, before. Okay. How young were you? 19, maybe 20.

And were you drinking by yourself back then? No. You were drinking with friends. Yes. And then when did you start drinking by yourself in the morning like that?

Around 25, 25. What happened at 25 that made you start doing a little bit of heartbreak or something? Yeah. I had some tumultuous relationships. Okay.

All right. When you say tumultuous, what exactly do you mean? I was supposed to get married. And then I didn't. Yeah.

Thank you. Why didn't you? She walked out on you? She left you? No, I left her.

What made you leave her? Hold on, everybody.

Shut up with your fucking angry booze.

Shut up. She's why the Astros can't win a world series. Stop your booing. You fucking Houston. We laugh about you all the time and meanwhile, you're only two and a half hours away

from us and we think you're sad. We're not up. The rocket suck. The Astros suck. Yeah.

For the heel turn hinge clip. Fuck you. I'm interested in this guy's story.

“For the record, how keen is my favorite player of all time?”

He's a man. Yeah. I'm kidding. I like you guys. Go ahead.

Oh, no. She wanted kids. I wasn't financially stable. So I thought that it would be inappropriate to bring a kid in the world without being able to take care of it. Right.

Man. What did she do for work? She didn't do jack lot about nothing. She didn't work at all. No, fuck no.

Meanwhile, she wanted a kid. And you're doing event staffing at a comedy club that barely has any events. Yes, sir. Right. So that's rough.

Can I ask the come punch line? We were all like, it was, you know, you had, you came out with good energy, right? You came out, people were cheering. They were rooting for you. They wanted you to succeed.

And then you built up and you had this formula of like, I did this and I jerk out the thing. But the best part about it is. And then you said, I eat the come and that felt like more like a confession than a punch line. So did you have other alternative punch lines? Like that you were deciding between or did you just think that just off the top of my head?

Yeah. He didn't come. Yeah, I eat come regularly.

“So again, when you say you eat come regularly, what exactly do you mean?”

I mean, it's not like a recreational thing. But answer the question, what do you mean when you say you eat come? It's a very simple question. You said it. I'm asking you what you mean.

Sometimes it shoots on my face. Hold on. Sir, I got this. What the fuck? Yeah.

See, you're gay sometimes. Yeah. Okay. Are you, you can sit to yourself by? No.

You're just gay. No. Straight. You're straight. But guys, should come on your face sometimes.

Fuck yeah. Okay. I'm going to get you out of here. This is. Hey.

Do you madness, didn't it? Okay. Very good. There you go. There you go.

See up. Another drop. What is this? The astros in the world series? What are all these drops happening here tonight?

Look how Matt, this fucking fucks this guy. I love it. Your middle finger does nothing. You guys all have tiny middle fingers in this shit whole city. Look at all the tiny Houston middle fingers.

You know that's a thing in the water here. Make sure middle fingers go small. It's a Houston thing. Look at, look how tiny they are. They all look like little pinkies.

A little, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. That's pretty Houston. Pretty Houston.

Yeah, probably up. Very good. The home of world leaders and whatnot. Yes. Like.

We still haven't. How's my favorite the upper deck doing up there? Oh yeah. That's where the real winners are tonight. I'm telling you.

I'm in love with the upper deck. There's a lot of sore losers with extra money down here. I'm just spoiled kids that inherited it from their oil mining fathers. The real workers are up there. Have a little more time for the upper deck.

Oh yeah. Yeah. You hear that? Look at this guy. These people fucking get it.

All right. Your next bucket pull ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the name of Jasmine Flowers. Everyone. Jasmine Flowers.

Hello. I noticed patterns for living. And I noticed something. The omish. They used to be elusive.

But now they're everywhere. TLC HBO. I mean, have cable by sea of everyday. I'm starting to think that maybe there's a scam going on here. I'm not sure.

“I'm at the age now where everything I think is a scam.”

But, you know, they pretend they can't have cell phones. But then. But then that's scamming 101. Oh, my camera doesn't work. But anyway, so I feel like they had a meeting sometime.

They had. They said that's. It was no electricity candle. Let's build bars. Turn butter in.

Confused. They have all this society.

That's what it's like basically.

And I know one person at meeting set. This could have been an email. But anyway, I'm just saying. Check the barons for Wi-Fi. This is really changed.

Anyway. Alright, Jasmine. That's over time right there. I love it. Jasmine, welcome.

Keep that microphone. I'm going to do an interview here. Because I love Media does kill Tony. This is incredible. How long have you been trying to stand up?

About 90 seconds. 90 seconds. Perfect. What made you want to start here tonight? Saturday didn't have anything else to do.

The set of me drive out there and see what's happening. I love it. But you watch the show sometimes. You know what it is. Yes.

So you try it. You said that these omnisch people are. There's. They're coming out of nowhere. There's a lot of them now.

Yeah. That used to be a looser.

If you never knew a omnisch person.

I didn't know about omnisch people. But now they're everywhere. Yeah. And they're supposed to be kind of against technology. But.

I just thought that was different. Yeah. Jasmine. What do you do for work? I'm going to count.

You're going to count? Yeah. Oh my goodness gracious. What type of accounting are you doing? Corporate accounting.

Wow. [LAUGHTER] It's fun. Really? I love it.

You live here in Houston, Texas. I do live in Houston. I love it. What part of Houston do you live in? I live in the Westbury area.

And you're my land. People in that wreck is in the city. Houston prop.

“What are some of your favorite things to do here in Houston?”

You ever go to the turkey hut?

I've never been to the turkey hut.

But I've had turkey legs at the Renaissance festival. I like that. Ooh. The Renaissance festival. Or?

I didn't know black people went to Renaissance. Me and my friends are couple of us. You guys probably really stand out at that Renaissance festival. I know we don't. [LAUGHTER]

Red band. Okay. Jasmine. You have a family? Yes, I do.

I have two kids. I love it. How old are they? 23 and 21. Okay.

You did it. Yeah. It's just finished. Heck yeah. What are they up to?

Boys or girls? I have a son that's a Texas tech. This is last year. Mechanical engineering. Nice.

I have a daughter that lives in Milwaukee. She's a dog groomer. Oh, nice. Yeah. Heck yeah.

I love it. And Jasmine. What do you do for fun?

“What do you have any hobbies or anything like that?”

I walk a dog. I like to garden. Hang out with my friends. I like to garden. I'm going fishing next month.

Okay. All right. These interesting Jasmine. So the kids are all grown up. You still have a man?

No. Okay. I don't have a man. When's the last time you were with a man? I've been divorced for probably about 10 years.

Huh? But do you go on dates or anything? Have you been getting, you know? You're old. No, not really.

Maybe, you know, I'm just enjoying doing stuff. Kim wants to know when your last kiss was. My last kiss. Maybe two years, three years.

It's been that long.

She's such a beautiful lady.

I'm enjoying it. I'm happy. I mean, she's such a beautiful lady.

“Is there a guy out there that wants to get Jasmine a big new child?”

He part of Go told me his dream. You got to make it a good one if I bring you up here. Who do you think it is? Who's really going to go for it? Blue sure right there you think.

You need water. You need water. Have some, have some, have some, have anybody's water you want. You got it. All right.

Who's going to do this? So you're going to do it with pick one Jasmine. I'll let you pick. And it'll work if I don't go later. Who's going to make that pussy?

Fine. Oh, my God. This guy. Okay, with the white beard. Let's get January.

Jeff, can you have a preference? You have to be over 50. You have to be over 50.

“Yeah, that guy with the beard can do it.”

But I don't know how the guy in the cowboy hat. Cowboy hat. You got the beard. The guy with the beard. No.

The guy with the beard. The guy with the white beard is going to do it. Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to watch history. Here we go. And here in Houston, Texas.

Here we go. Powerful black woman. Kiss a man that looks like he fought for the South in the Civil War. Watch your steps, sir. Please don't trick over chords.

Ladies and gentlemen. What an amazing way. Wow. Incredible. Wow.

Thank you. Look at that.

Not the first time this guy's freed the slaves.

Look at this fucking guy. Holy shit. This is what comes out of the game when you roll at double six isn't your monji. Watch your steps, sir. Watch your step.

Jasmine, how did that feel? You squirt? I forgot. I forgot already. I can't remember.

I love it. She's mesmerized. All right, Jasmine. Thank you so much. There she goes.

Jasmine flowers. Everybody. She's the sweetheart. Guys are out here. Boondering sets.

These guys are relentless here in Houston. All right. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen. Your next comedian is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

An absolute force of nature that you know that you love one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. Say it if you know the words. Because I present to you the one and only. This is Hans Camp.

What's up, Houston? Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I speak English. This isn't the Super Bowl halftime show.

If I wanted to hear but just Spanish, I go to a kitchen at Chili's. Stop trying to make me learn things. This is America.

“What's the point of having all these bombs about to learn?”

I do think it's fucked up. That a lot of Mexicans are getting deported. I think if you're trying to reduce crime, deporting Mexicans is a least efficient way to do that.

I've never been walking down a dark alley and heard the voice behind me be like,

"Give me your money." It's usually some form of ebonics. The language of robberies. Yeah, recently saw a black eye gardening. I was like, "Dude, you don't have to do that anymore."

You can do larsony and retail theft as well now. I am working out right now. You know, I don't have to be stronger than a black eye. I just have to last long enough to the cops get there. All right.

Well, that's my time. Are you guys so much? One, two, three. Amazing. How does Houston make you feel?

How do you feel about all this? Oh, it's great.

A lot of English to pawn me.

“Trying to say on the good side of Houston,”

a lot of love. Absolutely. Have you been to Houston before? Yes. I actually double teamed a female here.

Wow. Let's cut to a clip. I don't have it. I don't have it. My goodness.

This was a fan? Yeah, she was a pretty enthusiastic. Who did you double team her with? Wonderful. Awesome comic, but I don't think I should name.

Right. Yeah. Okay. Not like Brian Redband or something. It definitely wasn't Brian.

You'd have to be able to get hard to have sex with a woman. Just kidding. This reminds me. Plutue. The official sponsor of Kiltowni.

Wow. Tell us what it was like. Double teaming. What did you pick? Well, I actually.

She was like bonded with me. Which is pretty cool. So I actually had sex with her before my friend got there. So I already came inside of her vagina. And then thank you for that.

I was about to ask where. I mean, this. Let me hear. Did she tell you? She was on the pill or something.

Like, what made you come inside of her? Did you just do that? I just felt very open to the idea of that. Wow. I was not going to hold up on court by the way.

It was a long time ago. But yeah, it was all legal. She's his. She. So I already came.

And then my friend came.

She's like, I always wanted to do this thing.

A rust pig or stuck pig. I talked about this before. But then I actually took the mouth area. And he took the vagina. And I really wasn't as hard as I could have been.

And it failed. Yeah, she wasn't really a rust pig. We're like, no, let me ask you. Let me ask you this. Just a couple.

Wow. Court dog. Okay. We got it. We got it.

Yeah, we don't need to keep naming it. Yeah. Yeah. So your soft penis was in her mouth. And your buddy was fucking the whole that you had already

knudded inside of.

“Did you tell your friend that you came inside of her?”

Oh, I don't think I did. So there's a chance that your buddy is going to find out from watching the show. Yeah. The time that he hooked up with a chick with you. Uh, he was fucking your com.

Yeah. I moved him up. Yeah. I love that he still looks at you. Hans has just enough autism to look to think of it like you.

You helped him out a little bit. Amazing. If she gets pregnant, who's going to claim to baby? I mean, he was white and I'm Asian. So his smart then it's mine.

That's a good point. Too shy. Let's see how he does on the SATs before. How did after work? Like right after you guys came to keep hanging out.

Yeah. We crash. She took the couch. It took the bed a little bit. When we left, we drove back to Austin.

You said you crashed. Does that mean that you drove immediately? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] It's a cool, cool weather.

Keep imagining Hans trying to do an eye full tower. But his dick is soft for her face keeps falling. [LAUGHTER] Oh, I'm so sorry. I can't get hard again.

[LAUGHTER] Oh, this is my Hans impression. Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry.

[LAUGHTER]

“Is there anything that you try to think of or do when you're trying to get hard?”

Yes. OK, go ahead.

Always the most honest answers.

If you look at the history of the show, no one has better answers to my questions than Hans can't do anything. Always before I'm even done answering the E.S. Tony, yes. Actually, I don't.

Honest hon. She'll be the name of yours. Yes. Honest hon. Yes.

I think a lot of tickling stuff helps me a lot. [LAUGHTER] Why is it gross? No. Hans being tickled is disturbed.

I'm not getting tickled. I'm tickling. [LAUGHTER] I'm the tickler, Kim. Jesus.

[LAUGHTER] Yeah. Somehow it is disgusting. I'm starting to agree with Kim. I thought you were getting tickled, which is just fucking weird.

But now that I'm finding out that you're doing the tickling and that makes you hard, what is it about tickling and girl that makes you hard? Great question, Tony. [LAUGHTER] When is she squirms?

[LAUGHTER] Yeah. The bar where she's like, no, no, please don't.

So it seems accurate. It seems the period accurate. Let me ask you this. I asked you what it takes what you think about to make you hard.

Here's a question I've never asked you before.

“Is there something that you think of when you're about to come too fast?”

And you think of that to try to stop yourself from being so overly excited. Hans Kim. I usually try to think of the woman that I'm making love with and what she would want. And I'm like, she would want me to come now. [LAUGHTER]

We'll be right back. [LAUGHTER] I feel like taking a break, wait, Hans. Do you want the guy to chat during the-- All right, I don't know what I'm trying to ask.

But you guys-- I mean, there's dirty talk, right? But if he starts the talk, do you go, oh, sorry. Yeah, you go ahead. Or like-- [LAUGHTER]

I think there was a moment where we did that exact thing. I forget why, but I think we made it like-- Hey, you can take the bottom, I'll take the top.

And then it was just like, yeah, she was like making noises.

She didn't with me, which was kind of concerning. I don't know. [LAUGHTER] Were her noises better with you? Like, did you take a personal?

Yes. He was getting better noises. [LAUGHTER] Amazing.

“Were you guys like talking or like looking at each other?”

No. He wasn't trying to look at my-- Can you sign me up for the mic later? [LAUGHTER] I was looking at his dick.

You were. Yes. How was he not looking at you if you were looking at him? He was just like head down, task at hand. He was a very--

Yeah. And your dick was like Boba T. Over there. In the mouth. Yeah.

It was like Boba T. It's chewy. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Okay. Was he a white guy or a black guy? White man. Okay. Right.

Yeah. Give me that chewy dick. [LAUGHTER] Wow. My goodness, Hans.

You are amazing.

“Anything else you want to tell the beautiful people of Houston, Texas?”

Um, I bought a van for $13,000. That doesn't work. I wasted $13,000. I love your city. I think, what do you mean you bought a van?

I bought a Sprinter van, thinking I could make it a van-life van. Even though I already have a van, I just bought a stupid van for no reason. And, uh, what made you do that? Um, I was, uh, looking at my old van. I'm like this van sucks.

Let me, um, and then, you know, one of my friends was like, you should just get a new van. So I just got a new van. But it was a shitty, shitty or a version of the van. What if this is what he and me and the other guy were talking about?

Well, they were double teaming the girl. I bought a second van. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it

This is your final bucket pool of the night. About one more time for Heidi and Ball, everybody. You can check out their podcast, love on the line, and HeidiRachina.com, follow the band on social media, follow @apray.

He's on the U.S. Me tour, going to Vegas, at the win, and everywhere else. @apraycomedy.com, can convent.com and follow her @canconvent, C-O-N, G-D-O-N. And your final bucket pool, the night goes by

the name of Devon Callahan, everybody. One last Houston bucket pool. (upbeat music) All right, how you guys doing? (crowd cheering)

Yeah, I'm Devon Callahan, Callahan, like Dirty Harry, yeah. I see your face confused, you're like, I remember Dirty Harry, he won this Dirty. It looks like we're on pursuit.

So, yeah, so, I figured out, not to bring it down, and I talk about this, I figured out the afterlife. I got it. It's two types of ghosts. One ghost, four bodyguards standing under a light,

it's my grandfather, probably smoking a cigarette head to toe, it's a ghost.

Second ghost, you just get like a little heartened thing,

and it's just like no legs and nothing, just feet up, like feet gone, knees up, and it just run around like, ooh, ooh. That second type, those are the motherfuckers they died of diabetes.

Yes, so, it turns out in the afterlife,

Yeah, it's crazy, it's crazy.

I need some friends, I need some new friends, I'll chill in with my homies, and we were on a road trip, and I was like, amen, I'm getting kind of tired. Let's pull into somewhere. And I saw a hotel, L.A.Q.U.I.N.T.A.

“And I told my homies, hey, let's stay at Le Kinten, right?”

And they started laughing, they were like, I just feel crazy. It's Le Quintepo, it's Le Quinten, okay. Was that the end of the joke? No, okay, finish it.

And so, I was telling them, no, Le Quinten is the chick that works at the front desk, but the establishment isn't Le Quinten, right? Like, absolutely. Devin and Callahan making his Kiltomi debut, right?

Yes. You live here in Houston?

Porto, they're in Beauma, they're in Porto.

Yeah, they're in Porto. All right. Can you say the end word there? Yeah, but no, no, I don't want to, though, we're nice, we're nice people.

You don't have to, have to say it. Okay, Devin, what do you do for work? I play piano, I play keys. You're a professional piano player? Yeah, yeah.

How long have you been on that for? Like 20, 20 years. 20 years?

“Yeah, I'm all right, I'm all right, I'm all right.”

Really? Yeah, that's amazing. I don't think we've ever had an actual piano player on this show before. (crowd cheering)

You guys want to hear him place of piano?

Porto, John B, the fan leader, normally doesn't share his piano with anybody, he's a tough cookie, he's old school, a lot of musicians don't like sharing their instrument. And I know how it is.

And he knows how it is, but now that he's said, "Oh, see all the end of the set." All the end of the set was, I know how it is, I get it. And then look, he broke John B's little heart. Here he is, look at this, look at this.

A couple cousins, just given handshake. (crowd laughing) Oh yeah, don't play anything copyrighted, it's got to just be kind of like your own original jam. John D's, this is my uncle.

Oh shit, all right? Uncle Devon, in the motherfucking, he's e-housy, won't say the end work,

“'cause that's not nice, see, that's how I think they should”

all be. (upbeat music) Oh my god. (crowd cheering) This is what Hans was listening to during his double tame.

(crowd cheering) Keep going, keep going. So I'm gonna sing a little song. ♪ We're not in Houston ♪ ♪ My favorite kind of pubs, gastro ♪

♪ I cheat ♪ ♪ Like I'm an astro ♪ ♪ Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ I keep playing, keep fucking playing dumb ass, keep playing ♪ ♪ Oh, ooh, I put my finger in an electrical sock ♪

♪ Keep playing fucking music ♪ ♪ In electrical sock, yeah ♪ ♪ More shocking than a wind from the Houston Rockets ♪ ♪ Oh yeah, oh ♪ ♪ There's traffic all over the shittled town ♪

♪ And there's no real life entertainment ♪ ♪ To be found ♪ ♪ 'Cause all the artists moved to Austin ♪ ♪ Or even Boston ♪ ♪ Or anywhere to get lost in ♪

♪ 'Cause art doesn't exist in Houston ♪ ♪ Oh, but you can wash it down with some aquafina ♪ ♪ There's some left from Hurricane Katrina ♪ (laughing) ♪ Stupid ♪

♪ Stupid ♪ ♪ Have a one more time for Devin Calahan on the keys ♪ (cheering) ♪ That's right ♪ ♪ And his clip on the bullsh*t ♪

♪ And then the majority ♪ ♪ Or if then I'm just goofing around ♪ ♪ Me and Adam used to play with the great Jeff Scott ♪ ♪ Of the comedy store ♪ ♪ We were the only two guys that used to rip with them ♪

♪ Rest in peace ♪ ♪ We lost him during the pandemic ♪ ♪ 'Cause he got COVID and AIDS at the same time ♪ (laughing) All right, Devin, anything else crazy we should know about you

before you go, what's the biggest white lady you ever impregnated? ♪ I hadn't had a chance yet ♪ ♪ So, you're saying ♪ I don't know if you saw Jasmine Flowers earlier,

but there's a black woman that makes no sense whatsoever when she talks that really needs to be decked down. (laughing) Oh, I'm here, I saw her. Yeah.

♪ No, I'm a... ♪

I'm okay, no, no, no. Welcome to another episode of "No, the Devin Cat." They're way leading the ones to be impregnated right now! (cheering)

I just hit his wife first.

(laughing) Devin, thank you so much. There he goes, Devin Cat, a hand over. ♪ The Puerto Rican, you're the Puerto Rico dog ♪ Thank you, thank you so much.

There he goes, it was Devin Cat. (laughing) He just realized who I was, everybody. (laughing) Hey, wait, you're the Puerto Rico guy.

There's a joke book, say a later. Ladies and gentlemen, like I said Saturday nights are hard on this show. We have created so many superstars that a lot of them were booked tonight.

And our own sold-out shows around the world. However, I was able to secure the man

“who I think is one of the fastest young rising comedians”

in the world. You see him every week writing and performing a brand new minute.

At one point, he was recognized as the dark storm

of Atlanta, Georgia. And now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. I present to you the future, the electric flint. (upbeat rock music) (cheering and applause)

(upbeat rock music) (cheering and applause) (cheering and applause) Oh my God! (cheering and applause) And we're in the South!

(cheering and applause) It's feel like the South. I love Houston as like a big ass Atlanta. (cheering and applause) My favorite Houston rapper, Pimpsi.

(cheering and applause) Pimpsi goes there's something that meant everything to me. He said, nigga, ain't so much shrimp. I got eye-dying holes.

(cheering and applause) Now, Pimpsi is known to live his wax. And I'ma tell y'all that ain't shit that nigga researched that happened to him. (cheering and applause)

That nigga woke up in a hospital and the doctor was like your blood levels with eye-dying, you're about to die, Pimpsi. (cheering and applause) He said, "It's somebody trying to poison me.

He said, "I don't think that, let me think."

“Mr. Pimpsi, do you ever eat a ball or a mountain shrimp?”

(cheering and applause) He's like, "Hey, yeah, he's a how much shrimp do you eat?" He's like, "I don't know about this much." (cheering and applause) This much money is how much shrimp he eat.

(cheering and applause) I've been chasing eye-dying holes in my whole goddamn life. (cheering and applause) I think y'all so much, he said, "All right, y'all!" (cheering and applause)

It's like hell, yeah, buddy. How's it going, Dad Drake? Man, New Nick is mad at me for getting drunk in New York. Oh, story wars. (laughing)

Which is crazy, 'cause it was 17 degrees. Nick, I got a drink at least to be warm. (cheering and applause) It costs a hundred dollars, like to breathe in New York. Nick, I got a drink.

(cheering and applause) I have to take a hundred and thirty dollar Uber to get from New Jersey all the way to Brooklyn. Nick, I'm going drink. (cheering and applause)

I had seven long eyelids. Nick, I was in Long Island. We called out a bad team. (cheering and applause) Keep going, keep going, keep going.

For the love of God, keep going.

“I think there's nothing but stairs in New York.”

Nick, it is shit, I got lost as a motherfucker on the train. Nick, I'm going drink. (cheering and applause) I'm a country boy, it was too cold for me to be up there, I don't know that shit.

(cheering and applause) I thought I was in a New York state of mind. (cheering and applause) I got a New York as supposed to be hot, but when a nigga drink hards, I'll get upset.

(cheering and applause) I thought it was out of the party. If you came through, I came, you'd be a pair of skin, fucked up, too. (cheering and applause)

(cheering and applause) (cheering and applause) (cheering and applause) Fuck yeah. (cheering and applause)

My goodness gracious, come on now. (cheering and applause) Uncomfortable, believable, dead drink. Have you been around Houston a lot?

No, it is my first time in Houston.

(cheering and applause) I love ya. (cheering and applause) I love ya. Hell yeah.

Houston loves you as well, dead drink. This is amazing. (cheering and applause) Would you like to tell the people what you got today

Yeah, I just got this new book. He's goal-chained 'cause that nigga mat, right? 'Cause I'm buying, I got mess my teeth. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. (cheering and applause)

He's changed, these other changes fake as fuck though. They're like $30 on Amazon, but they are gold. Color, you know, I have so much bucky stuff. It is incredible. I have blankets, I have mugs, I have magnets,

I have so much bucky's merch that it's incredible. And every time I stop at one, I obtain more.

However, I never even knew there was a case

with gold necklace isn't it? They want me to, when I got in. (laughing) I put on my jewelry just to go to the bucky's. You know what I'm saying?

I don't even know how you found that. They called out to me, Tony. (laughing) I went to go buy some bucky slides at first, and then as soon as I touch the slides,

you said you got to match it with a chain. Yeah. Yep. Absolutely.

“Dedrick Flynn, what's been going on in life, buddy?”

Other than that. That New York Bullshit. It's no big deal. You gotta remember only 1.2% of the Keltoni fan base watches such a show.

Yeah, but that was nice to me when I was in Brooklyn. You do drink heart though, right?

Like you, you are a big drinker.

Yeah. I'm from the South. Yeah. We make Mooshan. Yep.

(cheering) Y'all make lunch punch out here. (cheering) We'll make that cold again, dude. I thought it was in the South.

(upbeat music) I thought it was in the South. (upbeat music) I said, do we get our drink, don't we get our pizza? (upbeat music)

(cheering) Your pizza is what I put in my mouth. (cheering) (upbeat music) If I want to drink a liquor casserole

because it makes me feel good,

“that's what I call long island's liquor casserole.”

(cheering) I'm getting worried.

Your preaching is going so hard

and the pain, the Jasmine flowers just had her diabetes cure. (laughing) (laughing) Now, I've been good.

I cut back sometimes 'cause, but that wasn't really me on the show because I didn't even have my grill because when I went to go check in my New York hotel, the hold on the car was more than I had on my debit car.

So I just left my grill with the negatives. You fucking kidding me, there's just a real story. Yeah, I didn't, I went away and grilled those stories but I really want to eat me for real. That was just dead you're clean, that wasn't a dog storm.

You know what I'm just having with it? You know, you asked for the storm, I bring the storm. You know, I gotta be a tornado sometimes. Don't let me out the leech. (laughing)

You're the one putting yourself in chains, buddy. Yeah, that's makes sense. I'm hilarious, I don't know. On the last day of Black History Month. (laughing)

We'll be right black. (laughing) We'll be right black. Oh, I'm right. I love it, Tetrick.

“Is there anything else crazy we should know about”

before we put a ribbon on this damn thing? May. Huh? Why you come to me? Why you come to Houston?

Why you come to Houston? Why you come to Houston? Because I fucking love this place and I heard great things and rap songs, why would I not wanna call me Houston?

If you told me to Houston, I'm in there. If you can, tell me to Dallas, I'm in there. When you tell, tell me to Houston, I'm in there. And when you tell, you go back to New York, be to Houston, I'm in there.

When I talk about London, we in the city. (laughing) Tetrick, wait, the dark storm of Austin, for tonight is the dark storm of Houston. (audience cheering)

A little fun fact, everybody. And tickets are not on sale yet, but we are coming to on October 17th, save the day. We are doing a kiltony in Sugarland here at the Smart Financial Center, October 17th.

So you could put that near little calendar. We're coming back, hold different show, hold different fucking, everything. What else? Do you guys have a great night tonight?

(audience cheering) We did too. I know some people tonight are gonna be partying out at the Colorado, which is owned by some friends of the kiltony family.

So there's a little heads up there. And we love you guys, band play a little music. One more time for Adam Rae, everybody. Adam Rae, comedy.com, Kim Kong, didn't.com. Make some fucking noise for Kim Kong, didn't everybody.

(audience cheering) Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight, everyone. Whoa, that's a good one. Ooh, look at that, a little Miami Vice. - They're skinny.

- I love it. (audience cheering) A couple more time for a golden thick of wineries

uncle, laser, yung, pongs, Kim, and deadtrick.

Flynn, we love you guys, red pants.

- Guys, I love you, Houston, Houston,

Matt, stop, Sherlock, support, Texas. Love you so much, guys.

“- We love you, God bless Houston, Texas,”

and God bless the United States of America.

And we love you, thank you, good night, everybody. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) , (speaking in foreign language)

Now, it's almost done.