#762 - ARI SHAFFIR + KEVIN RYAN + H. FOLEY - Free Transcript | KILL TONY

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network.

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“Who's ready for the best f***ing night of their lives?”

The undisputed number one live podcast in the world is coming to WrestleMania. Tony, Triple H. Have you seen these auditions? Hey, hey, Tony, last year I became the most must hear. Rooster of all time. Okay, it's comedy you're looking for.

I don't like to brag.

I gotta be a part of show. Let me show you what I can do.

Is this thing given on a pretty and a wrap I'll walk into a bar? I didn't really mean everything, I said that night. This is going to be insane. This is going to be awesome. Kill Tony, Saturday of the late teeth, to get onto your mouth.

, hey, this is Redneck. Come to your life from the comedy, Mother's Day.

“Get up here and ask the taxes for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.”

Get up and done it! Let's go! [music] Who's ready for the best night of their f***ing lives, huh? [music]

[music] Oh my goodness, hello everybody. You are here at the number one live podcast in the world. So it's brought you by Shopify and Quil, how are we feeling tonight? You guys excited to be here?

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“Fun fact, that's why he sits on the other side.”

And John Dees is on the keys, everybody. He is the band that put this whole band together. [music] We have an unbelievable episode ready for you. I mean, I think so. We have no idea what's going to f***ing happen, really.

But before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors

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You guys ready to start this f***ing show or what? [applause] Boy, oh boy, do I have good news for you guys. Every single week I booked the show this week, no different. To have the funniest human beings in the world.

Most importantly, two masters of podcast. Two guys that on this show are literally two of my favorites. I've been looking forward to this for a very long time. Please welcome the host of the RU Garbage Podcast. Two of the best.

Since Kevin Ryan and each fully everybody. [music] Here we go. [music] Kevin, by the way Ryan, let's go.

[music] Two of the best guests in the show's history. They are on the back on the block tour. Tickets available at RU Garbage.com, boys, gentlemen. Welcome back.

Thanks for f***ing our host Tony. Here we go. Here we go. Thank you, Austin, for having us. [applause]

God damn right.

You guys have done the show numerous times before.

It's always, always the best f***ing episodes.

This b***a, as you know, is filled with hundreds of names. They're all stacked on top of each other at a disgusting bar next door. I mean, it is horrible. The conditions are crazy. They've been fights lately.

There's people sweating all over each other. They have vodka, tonic pictures for like three dollars or something. Insane, so people are like getting too fucked up. They're trying to make money off these open micers that should not be drinking before the show before the opportunity of a lifetime.

If I pull their name out of the bucket, it's simple. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted in front of millions and millions of viewers at home and the hundreds and hundreds in this packed house.

You know, there's 60 seconds is up and you have the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up. Then they're also bringing out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set with an extremely loud noise and then I conduct an interview and try to find out more about them and they're insane lives and anything can happen.

The entire thing is improvised. So you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show. We're gonna start it with a bang tonight, everybody. This guy for the literally the longest time was the closer of the show. He is the Hall of Fame member with the record for most appearances in the show's history.

Most interviews in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man that some people call the Baron of Blue Show. The Sultan of Shopify, the Queen of Quo, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla. This is the big red machine William Montgomery. Yoko Ono, the widow of Beatles Great, John Lynn, and just revealed she thinks he was gay.

“I think that explains some of the songs he wrote.”

Norwegian would roll over Beethoven, twist and shout this boy has my penis in his mouth. And by the way, are they ever gonna make the Fred Flintstone car again? A guy in LA died after cutting his own dick off. Red band, what does it feel like not to have a dick? Oh, you used AI cool. I used it 20 years ago. It was called Miss Cleo.

Bump of God, rude boy! Y'all may not know this, but Apex wins real name is Richard D. James. So when he goes on stage, he says, "It's Rick James, bitch!" Okay, that's my time today. Wow, Tony, I thought that was gonna be a rare Apex 21 when you laughed at it.

I thought I was gonna get you with it. It's Rick James, bitch, part. Wow, I gotta tell ya, Apex Twin. I mean, let's just glance over the topics of this set. Yoko Ono, Fred Flintstone, Miss Cleo, and Rick James. Can anybody guess what fucking year we're in right now?

With William, what is going on with your writing process?

“Is there no you what's going on with my penis right now?”

That blue two guy gave me one of those things. It told me he was fucking candy, dude. I ate a whole one of those new ones. The Viagre with all that other shit in it, yeah. I took one of those earlier tonight.

My dang feels pretty good right now, Tony. Yeah, that was like a good one over there. Michael, that was a drum hit. Say that one more time. Your thing's feeling what? Tony, my dang feeling pretty good right now.

There you go. Not feeling good. So those drums can sober your little boner up. And also, Tony, before I answer your question, I was in San Diego this past weekend,

and I was doing it in the, I was doing it. And I get up and I'm holding myself and it falls out of my hands.

“And I think, oh my god, it's about to fall in all this shit.”

And I block it out of the way, and it ricochets off the side of the wall. And it goes right into my shit, Tony. It was horrible. And I had to go on stage 30 minutes and before that. I mean, it was horrible.

Okay, let's go one step at a time here. So at the point in which you look down in your phones in the shit, do you immediately grab it with your bare hand? Do you grab paper towels? What exactly is the William Montgomery approach?

I immediately grab it with my right hand. There's literally shit on the phone. Wow, it was horrible.

The 10 second real kind of.

Thank you Red Band. I don't know why I looked at you. Yeah, I actually really, I agree with Red Band on that one, Tony. I really agree with it. So what after 10 seconds, then what would you do?

Leave it for mozzarella sticks, not shit.

Who better to have on the panel than the RU garbage guys?

It tries to find out if, when what is garbagey about people.

And here he is. Literally, I go, the Hall of Famer. The biggest deal. He's telling me, drop a little mean bearded. It's Tony.

I also came with my whole by shirt. It's to, I also came with the whole by shirt. Red Band, you just fucked that up. Dude, I just talked to Tony. Tell me else.

Anyone at all? What do you do this, idiot? So we're getting in the show, idiot. You do have a hole in your shirt.

“Many people are wondering exactly how much money would you have to make?”

To not have a hole in your shirt. Can I say, that's a polo t shirt. That's been, that's been weathered in with the hole in the shirt. That's fine. Oh, you like that?

Yeah. Which guy's way that channel at the time? It's not currently also has holes in the shirt. That's what it's trying to say. And they ain't polo.

But Tony, now I ended up getting my cell phone out of the shed. I ended up just washing my hands. I got a good lather up with the bar of soap I had in there. And I just washed the cell phone with my soapy hands. Let me ask you this.

Was there any residue do if you will? In the phone charger port or the sides? I think it was in the bottom part. Because I immediately called my father to tell him what happened. And I've started to smell this shed.

I'm like, oh my god, it's still in the bottom part. Wow. Hello, Tony. My thanks. Feel like, go to get it back.

Oh, shit. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Wow. I'm kidding.

Oh. Okay. I mean, amazing. Was it like floaters or was it like a pile? Oh, thank you, Red Band.

The question everybody wants to know. Isn't there another sound effect? Go to like a different sound effect board. There you go. All right.

That's just disgusting to ask a question. What was it a pike pilot shed? It was, it was one of those ones that it looked solid. But if you just started around a little bit, a little bit.

We call that, we call that the old oval teen. You know what I mean? The oval teen shed. The hot cocoa mix. Yes.

Absolutely. Was it with marshmallows or without? It was with corn with. Oh, absolutely. And red peppers.

Ooh, red peps. You didn't digest the red peps? I did not. It's fajitas the night before. Ooh.

You don't have a great day. Don't digest red peppers. I do not. It's going to be a anomaly. Red head of people do not digest red peppers.

You went digest every other color. But you had San Diego fajitas the night before? Uh, no. I just made something by oven. You made fajitas in your ass.

Can you take us through the process?

Cooking with William Montgomery has never been a segment on this show.

“Can I get a little fajita music with the horn section over there?”

And here we go. The recipe is fajitas and this is William Montgomery's recipe. So you want to get three red peppers, three green peppers, three yellow peppers. You're going to want to cut those buddies up. Really nice and tight.

You want to really chop those things up. You want to make sure they're clean before you start chopping them up. You want to run them through the water for at least 30 to 45 seconds. Once you got them really clean. You want to start chopping those bad boys up.

Really thinly sliced. You want to get some chicken breast going on the side. You want to really cut those suckers up really small. Like you would imagine a Mexican restaurant really get those things going. And then you get some of the pepper style.

It's a really good pepper. You put on there and some. It's a lot of pepper and pepper and a lot of pepper. It's already. Oh my gosh.

And then you put them in the oven for 25 minutes. And you get it out. They're sizzling. They're wonderful. You get the tortillas going on the eye of the stove.

Maybe five minutes before they come out of the oven. Hold on a second. You said red peppers about nine times. You mentioned chicken. Salt pepper.

There's no onions and the specs. Yeah. There were some onions in there. I didn't hear onions. I didn't hear onions.

I didn't hear onions. I forgot to mention. The blue two shit's messing with my brains. Oh my god. Be careful driving on blue two.

Because it's really messing with my brain right out Tony. It only affects one of your heads. There you go. The silence. Tony.

Tony.

I actually do want to get very serious here for one second.

I swear to God. Somebody has made and I'm going to be honest. At the beginning when I hold this shit happen with the Ukraine and Russia. I'm thinking, okay, maybe I'm a little sympathetic to Ukraine. I don't really give a shit.

But maybe I'm a little sympathetic to Ukraine. Whatever. Come to find out. Somebody made some website called wiliamagumritour.com. I was able to get my little IT person to help me.

Figure out where it's coming from. It's coming from Ukraine. The fucking country of Ukraine. These people are ripping my fucking ass off. So if you get online and try to search for tickets for me.

Williamagumritour.com comes up. Do not get any tickets off of there. Because they're stealing your money. It's horrible, Tony. I'm involved in a cyber warfare game right now.

Seriously.

“That's why I came up with my fucking hole in my shirt.”

Tony. I've been really hard to go to the website. Williamagumritour.com. So in our noise instead of looking up the website that we're talking about in real time. We needed that so in our noise.

Because it is a cyber war. And what better than a so in our noise?

It looks really efficient.

Oh my god.

“It's literally better than your website.”

Yeah. I don't have a website.

So it looks like my website.

Oh my god. You have one of the ticket things. It's all fake links. Like I was sinking. Oh, if it's a real ticket.

That's wonderful. If it's a actual comedy club. But it's not. It goes to stubhub. Yeah.

It actually seems to be actual tickets. William. This person might be helping you. Yeah. It's just these people are selling the tickets.

Great hands are selling it. Well, the Ukrainians are just looking for webs. Oh, wait. No. Hold on.

Tickets are 170 dollars to go see what the house of comedy in Bloomington. Are you doing it? My tickets are normally just a hundred dollars. So that's how it is. Fake.

No, I'm kidding. That's insane. Right. But he's obviously buying any of those tickets. Really?

He's still scared. Here's a question. You have holes in your shirt. You are dropping your phone and shit. Have you thought about making your own website for the tickets that you sell every

weekend? Yeah. That one worked. Right, man. That was a buddy when dumbass.

I need to Tony. I need to get somebody. I need to hire somebody to do whatever I had. Almost like anybody would do that for you. It seems like a fan online would easily do that for you because it's so easy.

But last time I did that I remember doing. There was a kiltony episode where I wear a I wore a beekeeper's outfit. And the guy was running my YouTube. He thought I was trying to dress up like the Ku Klux clan. And he deactivated my YouTube.

“So I think it regards the working with a fan Tony.”

It couldn't. I can't do that again. I mean, I was throwing that out as an example. Okay. You can also hire somebody for 50 fucking bucks to do it.

Oh, okay. How are the Ukraine guys? It shouldn't be pretty good. Yeah. Now I need to somehow get in contact with those.

Let me ask you something William right now. How's that thing, feeling? It feels really good. There he goes. William, my god, really.

He's a gentleman. The show heads to gun. And now to the bucket. We go. Look at this guy.

Already going pee. Just after one comedian. Look at this fucking pussy with a small bladder right here. Wow. What a homo.

He made it. Nine minutes before having the urinate everybody. My god. I have to tickle. What a tiny bladder.

Tiny bladder. Oh yeah. That guy's going to have a rough time peeing right now. Luckily he'll be sitting down. So.

All right.

Your first bucket bowl the night goes by the name of Hannah Jane.

Everybody. Here we go. You're gonna stand up. Oh, sorry. People take one look at me.

And they're not really sure what they're looking at. I actually, uh, I get misgendered more often than any woman should. And that honestly doesn't bother me. It's usually by the same woman that works at 7/11. Yeah.

And she's trying her best guys. Yeah. It's like stepping on someone's toes. You know, I can't get mad at that. I'm not gonna correct her.

But if like someone ever wanted to be polite and ask me what my pronouns are, I will slap you in the face to let you know I'm a bitch. And people are shocked when they find out that I date men. It's just not often. You know.

I have one rule. They have to be more masculine than me. It's hard to find. I work in carpentry.

“And I think that's a big reason why I'm still single.”

Because I work with wood all day. The last thing I want to do is go home and deal with popular. And if you don't get it, popular is an extremely soft wood. Better be mahogany. Mahogany's black.

Thank you. Hell, yeah. Hannah Jane, welcome.

Is your first time on the show, correct?

Very first time. I love it. How long have you been on stand up for? Uh, year April 7th. I love it. Where at? Tampa.

Tampa. Hell, yeah. You do have an interesting energy about you. Are you the final boss on the video game, Lesbian? [laughter]

I do give off that like gay energy, probably from doing gay shit. But do you? [laughter] Gay shit happens, all right? That's true.

That's my bumper sticker on my car. Not a lot of people know that. But if you ever see a Corvette that says gay shit happens, that's me. I love it.

You had a dad in your life? I did. I did. Very close to my dad. Yeah, I can tell.

See, that's what I'm missing. I was raised by a single mom. That's why I'm a little bitch. And you are like, "What's up?" This is what's up.

And I'm just wearing my-- I would think you had four or five dads in your life. [laughter] This would count my seven dads. Hell, yeah.

I can just picture your dad. You know how to fix cars, don't you?

No.

Oh, okay. Wow. What I had in my head?

The blue choose still activated here.

Very interesting. What is your dad do for work? He's retired. He was a Navy pilot. Oh, nice.

Fuck it. Is it real man? Girl man. He was the an I-Racker. He served 20 years.

So yes, he did. Awesome. Awesome. And you do carpentry. And do you have a girlfriend or something?

No. No. You're single. Mary single. Is there a dating app for lesbians?

Is there like scissor or something like that? No, I'm not a lesbian. Oh, you're really not. No. Oh, okay.

No. I tried it. I'll be the top-fast woman. Yeah. I love it.

Have you ever tried a lesbian experience? The gayest thing I did. I dated a woman for like two years. But that's also the-- Fun fact.

That's the strangest thing I've ever done. [laughter] Yeah. I love it. So can you tell us how that ended?

What did you learn from two years with a woman? Are we so? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you live with a woman? I did. Yeah. Lesbians tend to have that same thing. I don't know if you guys know this.

A stereotype of lesbians isn't moving very quickly.

“How long were you-- how long did you guys not live together before you lived together?”

If you just had to throw a ballpark out there? Oh, maybe like six months? Okay. I've been here long. It's a lifetime in the lesbian world.

Yeah. Yeah. So now you're with man again. Are you sometimes tougher than the men that you're with? I've been on dates, but now I just-- oh, yeah, no.

I haven't been with men in a long time. Oh, I'll say that, you know. You guys try. I really do. Like, I go out like this and you guys are.

It is desperate times. Because why? Why you're hitting on me? It's crazy. [laughter]

[laughter] I feel bad for y'all. Dude, male loneliness epidemic is real. And I'm part of the problem. [laughter]

I love that. You're very funny. I love your deadpan, very real delivery or self-deprecating. Well, also, well, an unseated for someone from Tampa, Florida. Thank you.

I don't know where you're talking about. I think you're really beautiful. Oh, thank you. You got it. [laughter]

You're the third hottest carpenter I've ever seen.

I am. You guys shut up. Just an easy target. Anyway, Tampa, huh? [laughter]

I love it. So, tell us more about you, Hannah. Do you have any hobbies or anything like that other than stand-up comedy and carpeting? Um, no.

I've been really getting into stand-up. I do like five mics a week in Tampa, which is very difficult. Um, no. There's not. Nobody really does anything anymore, I don't think.

You know?

“What kind of a kind of card you have or pickup trucker?”

[laughter] I drive a Dodge. You do have a white? I drive a Dodge. A Dodge pickup trucker.

Yes. God damn it, I fucking nailed it. Look at that. I've hit a button for me. [laughter]

Wait. Wait. All right. I love it.

Have you always had a pickup trucker?

Um, no, this is my second truck. The Subaru was the first one, right? No. There was a little Ford Explorer. Is what they call 'em?

Tend to blow up. Tested the theory they do. They blow up. Yeah. See, most women don't know that.

Yep. Most women would drive the Ford Explorer and they're calling for help on the side of the road. She's like, "I'll fuck and knew this was going to have." [laughter]

These goddamn things. No, they don't make them like they used to. Nope. What kind of guys do you usually get attracted to? Like, big muscular guys or wippy fimbots?

All right. So if you approach me and ask me if I'm a lesbian, you know? I need someone, I need someone that is so confident that they're like, "I'm gonna fuck that lesbian."

[laughter] I like that. Hell yeah. Look at that. Give me some lesbian horns over there.

Hell yeah. [laughter] [laughter] I love it. That's amazing, Hannah.

Amazing. What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? Do you live alone? Um, now I'm back home with my dad. Nice.

“What's the weirdest thing in your guys's fridge if you had to pick a Yavag?”

Let me guess, an extraordinary amount of barbecue sauce. That might be the only condiment, actually. But it's not a lot. It's just normal white amount. Sweet baby rays?

Of course, yeah. Absolutely. Amazing, Hannah. Well, I love it. You're very, very fun.

You're very, very different. You're your own thing. For only a year in your extraordinary. Here's a big joke, look.

Thank you.

Wait, to get the show started.

Rockin' that. But it's like T-shirt. I mean, this is a real woman right here. Look at a woman that'll fuck you and then beat the shit out of you. But of course, you leave.

It's awesome. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Bluetooth activated. The lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen.

Check out our podcasts. Love it in the line at HeidiRegina.com. All right. This looks like a new name. Let's see a minute uninterrupted for the Mr. Ziegler.

The Mr. Ziegler, everybody. Here we go. Good morning. How's it going tonight? So I'm in to stir it pussy.

Anybody out there giving up to stir it pussy. I've had a dream here recently. I wanted to do a threesome. And I was going to title it two stirds in me. And we're going to quote it.

No homo. Yeah. I've been in the stirds for a long time. Stirs, tomboys. Oh, that good shit.

It's pussy is pussy. I feel like as long as it doesn't look like me. And it got titties. Without a dick, I'm pretty cool with that. You know.

Right? So, uh, how y'all doing tonight? Great. Oh, it is the funny lick and stay up. Good luck for the funny lick and stay up, everybody.

I think that's all I got. That's my time right now. Okay. 40 seconds from the Mr. Ziegler, everyone. Funny looking staff.

I love that you think we're random staff members, just sitting on stage with you. I don't know where he, what he thinks he just walked into. Yeah. I was, he's just a black dude who was on stage.

He was like, gee, I like pussy, what's good? Yeah. Who the fuck are you wearing motherfuckers? I mean, he's just in his face. I like this pussy, that pussy, tomboys fucking pussy.

Long as this pussy. That's awesome. You are fucking awesome dude. Yeah. Absolutely incredible.

In the male division, the best set of the night so far. Great. So, let's talk about it. The Mr. Ziegler. Am I saying that right?

Man, it's pretty white. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty white. Yeah, pretty white.

Right. Jeremy, white, right. What was your name is? Yep. Got it.

That's it.

“How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Mr. Ziegler?”

About 15. 15 years. We're at. Here in Austin, Houston, all over Texas. I've been in New York and that's about it.

Nice. Babe, here's it. You just only did 40 seconds on a show. Yeah.

I've been out the same for a second.

Okay. And then just got back actually today. You just got back in. Okay. I have.

I have 49 questions right now. Come on. Give it up. So you've been doing a 15 years. What made you take a break?

Babe, baby. Mama choices. Okay. Let's talk about it. Tell us about that.

Don't do it. Okay. Can you get a little more in two seconds? Yeah, look too young for me. How old was she?

Uh, it's about nine years younger than me. Okay. I'm glad you said more after the number nine. She was about nine years younger than you. And this dude does love pussy.

That's great. I love it. I'm like, she's ever since the Epstein list came out. Being a pedophiles. A new fat.

Yeah, but no. I was having bad baby mama. She my dick wasn't fitting in this bitch. Oh, man. Nine year old ass.

Good whiny ass. Bitch ass. Crying baby ass pussy. Oh, no. This little girl.

Pussy. Fuck. Crazy. Shit. Man.

“You should have seen my dick next to this little.”

Yeah. Fuck. Your name was beyond that. What? What?

On the Epstein prize. Your name's got to be on there. How does young pussy you talking about? No, I'm kidding. I'm going off a year thing, Mr. Seward.

I said, Tom boy pussy. And he talking about young pussy. Well, I mean. No, well, I mean. Did you step in to see the girl that was on before?

The stunt, yeah. I just seen her perform on the girl. They got to do you see that? She. He's like, I'll see you.

Yeah. Fuck. Shit. Shit. I saw that fucking pussy.

Hey, man. Hey, man. I'm going out. Playing basketball with a student. I'm going back and putting your balls in.

Deep. Oh, my God. Oh, you are the man, Mr. Seaguller. Welcome to the Kiltowni universe. You found your home.

This is where you belong. Oh, appreciate it. So what did this bad baby?

“And what I'm going to do exactly that made you take a break from stand-up comedy?”

Oh. She went crazy on me. Wow. You guys need better answers. I went deep.

Block balls deep.

And, you know, my grandfather always told me don't put the whole thing in.

And I did. Oh, I stirred it deep. Wow. Yeah. It's like I fucked up to be how I missed.

It was. Can't give them the whole thing. The whole thing. Don't do the whole thing. Got to give them just a little bit fellas.

There you go. Just a little bit. So red band. You give them the whole thing. No.

I love it. This is incredible. So do you understand that these been having sex the whole time he's been away?

Uh-huh.

You've been having a lot of sex.

No, I mean sex all the time. Yeah. No. Now. I'm scared.

What do you scared of? What scares you miss? These new bitches. I want a time boy bitch. I want a stud bitch.

You need a real tough woman. This right. Grab that woman. Goodness. I don't know where she going.

Don't worry about it. You know her? I mean, this is kind of what she said. She said she's into. I mean, she literally wants a guy.

This is part of the problem. I'm just going to fix her problem, right? Oh, my god. Yeah. Someone's getting their dodge truck stolen from them tonight.

That's what's happening here. I actually have a dodge truck.

So we got something in common.

You got a dodge too? She has a dodge. So we dodging. Oh, my god. I love it.

If you can't dodge, I'm rammed. Holy shit. Mr. Ziegler, how old are you? 47. 47.

You don't look at day over 63. That's pretty amazing. You've got a lot of baby mama bitch problem. You've been putting the whole thing in way too long. You're stressed out.

Like I'm off. You look like your own daddy. Man, I didn't have no. As my grandfather used to tell myself, don't put my whole pig in a bitch. I'm doing that.

Yeah, black does crack. Oh. And white sheds.

“Mr. Ziegler, what have you been doing for work this whole time?”

How do you make money on it? I'm a barber. Oh, nice. Yeah. Okay.

I cook to grab my own business. You what? A cook. Oh, what do you cook? Pussy.

Okay. I shouldn't know that. And let me guess. You're a barber just for women's pubes. No.

You don't go near that. No, no, no, no. Hell no. Nope. I don't like hair down there.

That's all I know. They can do it with that. And they're at off ladies. Absolutely. Hair.

And not that type of barber. Hell yeah. Wow. Incredible. So do you exclusively only cut black people's hair?

You cut it all. Oh, you pointed at Kevin Ryan. It's silly. You're thinking to shot at my hair. Let it go.

This could be the night. I mean, we were all there for that episode of Kill Tony. We're Mr. Seagler cut. Right.

“I think we do have a trimmer's back there.”

Don't wait. Oh, the crowd goes. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. All the lighting guy wants it to happen.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. All the lighting guy wants it to happen. You for sure. I go and near that motherfucking shit bitch.

Mr. Seagler, give us another fun fact about your life. You seem like you have a wealth of experience at a great many things. Like the craziest sex you've ever had. Because I know you'd be loving that pussy. So I got to know.

Was there a random crazy night? An unbelievable time that you had an adventure in which-- There was a threesome with my baby mama. The young one, the crazy. Nine years younger than you.

Yeah. And another one that was nine years younger than me. Oh, the same age. Yeah. I left from in the room when I was arguing.

I just-- I came back me. I'd done it. No, that's why I left again. Did you?

When I came back, they was in Tangle. They was in Tangle. Yeah. So I like fucking. Yep.

Got to throw it all the way in there. Break it in. Break it up, ladies. That's right. Okay.

Let me ask you this.

“What do you happen to remember what they were arguing about?”

Me. Do you remember exactly what about you? They were arguing. I went all the way in. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This is one of the craziest interviews. You know, you can't get this at the tonight show.

Never was Jay Leno sitting there going, "Yeah, yeah, we put nine new eat.

Can we go on with you? We put the pussy in his beach." "Dee." You know, we're going to see Jimmy Fallon dancing along too. All right. Mr. Ziegler, you only did 40 seconds.

So I have no choice but to give you a medium, very black joke. But because that is just the work you did tonight, my friend. I love it. Mr. Ziegler is in the kilt of the universe. Two brand new comedians to start the bucket.

Did that guy with a small bladder ever go back to his seat? Oh, there he is. Hi, Don, you good? There you go. All right.

Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Riley Galvin. Everybody, Riley Galvin. Here we go. Whoever created the phrase, it's not about the size of the dog and the fight. It's about the size of the fight and the dog.

Clearly, it has never gambled on dog fighting. Always better on the bigger dog. Vittulaquist. Vittulaquist. Sounds like such a fancier job title.

The one it is.

Like it sounds like they all got together and decided on a Vittulaquist.

Because they were too afraid to tell their parents they wanted to fist cabbage batch dolls professionally. [laughter] Do you guys think Vittulaquist or just necrophiliacs with low self-esteem?

Like they want to mess around with lifeless things but don't have the confidence. You know? Like it's Jeffrey Dom or just Jeff Dunham with stage fright. [laughter] But basketball fan like the Utah Jazz.

Utah Jazz is funny though. It sounds like a bunch of racist Mormons got together to like for some diversity. No? I think I'll got together.

We're like our we need more black people in the state. What do they like? And the one went basketball in jazz. [laughter] That's my time.

Thank you. Fuck yes. Riley Galvin. Welcome. Welcome.

Thank you. I love it. Riley.

“How long do you have before you have to get back to the vape store?”

[laughter] I got a shift in 30 minutes. I love it. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? A little under a year.

A little over a year. We're at Knoxville. Did I see you? Knoxville, Tennessee. Very good.

Let me ask you a question. Because I listened to that set. And I noticed the pronunciation of one of the words I found curious. What do you call a person that has sex with dead people? Necrophilia?

Okay.

To see that third letter is important.

What I heard and I'd be interested to hear a replay. It's a shame we don't have Instagram play on this episode. It sounded like a hard G team. And if you say Necrophilia with a G, my friend John D's, that turns into, can you say it?

Okay. John's just looking at me. Sometimes he likes to put me on the spot there. I mean, we could say it. It's not the N word, but it's very close.

A little too close. And I would have loved it if you repeated it. And you just said, oh, it's with a C. I didn't know. I thought it was with a G.

But instead, here we are. Here we are. But now, that's the sound of hundreds of thousands of people on YouTube rewinding to see. If you said it with a G, and I'll bet you anything.

It's my like the replaying it again and again. Because I'm pretty sure it was a G. But you're going through a lot. There's a lot of pressure. Yeah.

Big show. Huge. Absolutely huge. What do you do for work, Riley? I'm in school full time.

What do you do at work at Little Seasers? At Little Seasers. Yeah. Oh, my God. Red band.

Can you believe it? This is a big deal for you. Awesome. Thank you. Wow.

He's star struck. How long have you worked at Little Seasers? Like six months. Okay. Can you tell us a little bit about the perks?

A lot of free pizza. Fuck yeah. That's exactly what I thought you were going to say. Red band's heart is a rock right now. And he's the only one that didn't try the blue tube.

Um, I love it, Riley.

“So what are you going to school for and where are you going to school?”

I go to Tennessee Knoxville, UTK, and journalism major. Okay. What made you pick journalism? A dying art form. Yeah.

Well, I was business and hated it. So I wanted to be gay and write, I guess. Yeah. Do you have any big plans? Do you have any big goals with the journalism thing?

No. I should probably have some. But how old are you? I'm 21 years old. 21.

Wow. What are the 21 year olds up to nowadays? What are you guys doing for fun? A lot of ketamine? Ah.

And tell the people that might not know that are out there in the audience watching the show. How would you explain ketamine? Exactly. What goes over in your, what goes, what happens in your brain?

You know how horses are pretty crazy? It ketamine calms them down.

So it's, I've actually never done ketamine.

So, okay. You're working at little seizures. You've done it. Yeah. Yeah.

You had me convinced.

“So what are you as a 21 year old doing for fun out there?”

Like going to the movies? Wow. I'm a poor guy. I don't know. You're poor.

Boring. And poor. Okay. All right. Other than the movies.

Let's dig deep here. You're going to college. You're out there on campus. There must be something else fun that you do. You have any hobbies or anything like that.

You play the ukulele or anything, perhaps? Play a little guitar. You do? You're just going off of what I said. Is this a funny suggestion?

No, no. I wasn't that funny. It's true. I just started. So just started good time.

I like stopping at the, there's, there's like little sorority tables. Along like the, like the main walkway a lot of time and they, they pay you to pay them. And that's why I'm poor. Cream pie. No, no, no.

I wish red band. I wish. Yeah. I like that you call them red band. That is the right time to call them red band.

We wish red band. What does that mean?

Pied them.

Like you, you like window walk like one of the horse three dollars to, whip cream and throw out in their fish. Oh, okay. Wow. Red band pays people to throw pies at his face.

So this is very exciting. All the different thing.

“Guys, what do you think about to, Riley, the RU garbage guy?”

I won't question. The hair is just a look that you wear with the hat all the time. Where's the hat just on? No, I asked the guy backstage front or back and he said back. And I guess he fucked me.

I don't know. No, it's not that.

Do you, do you always wear the hair down and wear the hat like that?

Uh, no, sometimes I do this. I, the hair is long right now, but I guess usually. The hair is eating your head alive. Can I ask you? Uh, would you be interested in a black barber that we now?

Oh, yeah. Mr. Zigler, not only will he cut your hair, but I'm pretty sure he'll fuck the living shit out of you. You are the type of tomboy I believe he's looking for. How the fuck you scared to get pussy with a haircut like that. Sheesh.

Sheesh. How about it all the way in? Show you what's up. I fuck him so odd and he's as he got a pussy now. He grew up fucking pussy.

There's mother fucker. I, I made himself generate a pussy. Yeah. I'll tell you what, this ain't no little Caesar. Yeah, but they get a double, double bitch.

That 12 inch with mother fucker, I'm up at Roenay.

“That was our problem we were talking about having sex with you.”

Yeah. That's what it is for you now.

I'm gonna give you the best 40 seconds of your life.

You mother fucking white bitch. All right. Seems like a good kid. Seems like a good kid. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you. What made you come to Austin, Texas? I just came down just to hit some open mics just to get on stage. Knoxville, you know, a smaller scene.

Yeah. A lot more opportunity here just to stage time. Will you been doing it one year or 21 years old? You're fucking chasing your dreams. Good for you.

Most people go their whole lives. Not doing something like this. And I mean, Mr. Ziegler takes a break every time he gets into an argument with a girl. So congratulations. The set was okay. So here's a medium joke book.

You can take that back to Knoxville. Throw it at a college girl's face or something. The three bucks. Uga. This podcast is sponsored by Quowe.

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You're the best player in your team. You're the best player in your team. You're the best player in your team. You've given trans comics more opportunities than anyone else. That's true.

That is true. Be sure to remember that. Next time I get canceled. I have a special coming out soon. And they're going to be coming after me.

So I'm going to need you on the front line of defense. I'm going to protect you. They are going to come after me. You heard it right here. It's happening soon.

A couple of months away. Guys, you guys live in New York City. You have people like this all over the streets. Tell us the are you garbage guys.

“What do you think about this seven foot five translating?”

Yeah. You have a very captivating presence. And huge jugs that I can't take my ass off of. We're being honest. I'm married to a lady.

And next. Yeah. I concur with my partner. I mean, let's do it. Fuck it.

I have no partner. Last time you've been on your little bit more luscious. If you know what I mean. A little more. Yeah.

Red band. I've been getting a lot more black guys in my DM's too. I think that means I'm gaining weight. Why? This particular head just exploded in the back.

What the fuck? Hey, Tom Boy. I found my dream Tom Boy. I'm going to take this bitch. I'm going to eat her.

What the fuck is that? Oh, fuck it. All right. But don't put the whole thing in now. Pretty please.

Like I'll play along. But bitch, I'm going to fall in love. Which I'll wear. You put the whole mud of a gun. All right.

Well, I have been working out to try to lose some weight. Because it's important for trans women to stay fit.

“Because you have to keep stealing the trophies.”

I'm going to have to rewind that part one. Amazing. So Joe, who have you been hooking up? What is your type of a person? Well, I've dated a lot of men in Austin.

And most recently I started dating a lovely woman here. Okay. Really? Really? So yeah, that's it.

I'm with you on that. Yeah. We almost jinxed on release there. Yeah. You can call it pansexual.

I call it. I take any sexual. Right. But what does she call it? Like what happened to her, you think?

Like a type of trauma happened to her, where she's like, I need a dick. Not a deal, though. But I want the delivery of a woman, but the thrust of a man. Like what exactly? At what exactly has to molest you?

Very huge of a bust and not with you. Maybe it was a trans person. Maybe. Maybe. It's my favorite category of porn though.

I try and woman fucking a regular woman. It's way better than looking at a guy dick. This is true. You get to see two sets of tits. Exactly.

It's true. Bonus tits.

“She says I'm the best of both worlds though.”

Amazing. Amazing. I can still open jars. You know, I'm emotionally available. Amazing.

Amazing. I think this is going to last all the way until the inevitable murder suicide that takes place.

No.

Okay.

Joe Ellis has the best sense of humor.

And you've talked about me giving opportunities. But it's amazing.

“I think you're doing a lot for the trans community.”

I'm getting roasted trying to fire back. It's like amazing to see your real fucking Texas Tranny. So I just moved here. I can congratulations. I love it.

Amazing. Amazing. Joe Ellis, everybody. Thank you so much. Fantastic.

I got to tell you. I have gotten a word. I don't even know if it's real. There goes Joe Ellis every one more type of job. I can't believe the news that I've gotten.

I'm really hoping that this is true. This entire show is improvised. And obviously all my friends and amazing.

The best comedians in the world know that they can always pop in pop out.

Go for round. This and that anytime. And I've gotten a word that one of our friends that has been on a global vacation. For what I believe in my head is six months or something like that. Traveling the fucking world is here.

He is one of the great comedians in the show's history. One of the great disruptors. One of the real trouble makers. Ladies and gentlemen. If it's real and I hope it is.

I hope it's not a prank. Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir. Everybody. [music playing] Ladies and gentlemen.

Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir. [music playing] Ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir. Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir.

Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir. Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir. Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir. Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir. Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir.

Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir. Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir. Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir. [music playing] Make some fucking noise for Ari Shafir.

[music playing] [music playing] [music playing] Wow. It's that thing.

It's the microphone. I know it's been a while. [laughter] I haven't seen this many people since Uruguay. [laughter]

Hey, how was everybody doing? This is a very odd for me. [applause] Thanks. I haven't been around stand up or anything for about eight months.

A little bit nervous. I was traveling through Latin America. I guess I'll tell you an observation. I had in Latin America. I learned a lot.

The hardest thing about fucking a street dog is gaining its trust. [laughter] Because sure, anyone could fuck a street dog.

“But how many people could get it to come back again tomorrow?”

[laughter] I went through a lot of South America. A lot of those countries fucking hate us. I'll be honest with you. And it was difficult to break the news to them that most of us

don't know where they are in a map. [laughter] That's legitimate. I was in Uruguay. And people like, "Tell Americans, we don't want them here."

I'm like, "No one knows." But you guys are not part of Scandinavia to be honest. [laughter] I went all over that land. I skipped out of respect for Tony Puerto Rico.

[laughter] I don't know what else I want. Thank you guys. Very good to be back everybody. All right, fucking Sophia is back in America.

What a fucking amazing surprise this is.

Holy shit. You're all the last people I saw before I left. Yeah. This is fucking awesome. Welcome back.

Thanks. I love that you didn't warn any of us. I love that you didn't tell us.

“You're always full of fucking surprises.”

Your dick is in your pants. This is incredible. Yeah. You're a changed man. No, actually I was watching what happened before.

I tried to talk it, but it wouldn't stay. I was a come out with a talk to it. Just wouldn't stay. And I apologize. You do a podcast all about traveling and going around the world.

And so, I mean, where did you go? Can you name some of the places? Yeah. I mean, started in Mexico, one South, through El Salvador, Guatemala. Were you driving?

Did you rent a car? Like, you know, hanging out with poor people. I'll tell you one thing I observed that's different. Now that I know it's down back in Austin, the least of the homeless people has had the decency to be ashamed about it.

This guy's sort of lounging. Yeah. I saw a dude out there, a sleep on his stomach. [ Laughter ]

What a leisurely way to be a problem for the world.

[ Laughter ]

“There's, I mean, I guess it's good for your back.”

But there is no give on the concrete.

It is incredible. There is a part of a sixth street where if you're walking, where if you're walking from this side of sixth street, west, there's a part where there's a ventilation system that kicks up hot air and multiple people lie down next to each other on this one spot.

It's very, very inch on top of a grate. And there's people just flying by on birds, scooters, and shit, like almost hitting on the ground. It's incredible to see. Can I try to jump them on those birds?

Yeah. That's big points. That's Austin the video game. You get big points by jumping on those people on a bird's theater. [ Laughter ]

Blable, blah, blah, blah, blah. Multiple. So that's incredible. And fucking, now you're back. What made you come back now?

I missed your Tony. Yeah. We were really afraid. No, maybe come back as I have a new story telling show that's coming out.

Maybe you were familiar with my old one.

Yes. Can't legally say the name, but you can. Right, this is not happening. Oh, yeah, I'm familiar with it. Yeah.

“Anyways, coming back and guess who's on it?”

Skip, skip. Tony Hinch Cliff. I'm on it. It is, sure. [ Laughter ]

He's on an episode with Big J. Ocasin. I'll at least adeacansteftola have called four stories about trying to come. Mm-hmm. And it's available right now. Where's it available at?

Why am it studios.com? I love it. Direct to the people. Fuck you, Tube. Fuck Netflix.

That's right. Okay. I mean, we like YouTube and Netflix. Oh, I apologize. Not for this show.

Sorry, sorry. Take that out.

Oh, you like YouTube and Netflix.

We're going to bleep that. Fuck HBO. Fuck Showtime. Fuck Showtime. Yeah.

Well, this is so exciting. You're going to hang out. Yeah, I heard this tree drinks. I'll fucking hang it. This tree drink.

There are tree drinks for you. You are. The toilet upstairs. I can flush toilet paper in and brush my teeth with sink water. I'm fucking in.

I love it. Let's fucking party. Make some noise. For the great Art E. Shiffier ladies. Yeah.

What an unbelievable treat. One of the best comedians in the world. His specials are on Netflix. Let's have some drinks. Yeah.

[ Music ] Let's get another chair up here. And the great art Shiffier is going to join us with the night. Fuck yeah. [ Music ]

Oh yeah. All right, let's do this. Please, baby. Come on slide down. You can bring that.

All the way. [ Music ] Perfect. Keep slide. Keep slide. [ Music ]

Do not make it slide. Please, squeeze it. Don't give it that fucking shit. I've lost 70 pounds. Did you put going, you fucking scumbag?

[ Laughter ] That's a mention. He pulls his skips, skips, shit. This motherfucker called me two days ago. Fagging me to find him a place to live.

[ Music ] The lovely ID. [ Laughter ] I'll tell you now that I'm close to it. I know there's a homeless guy sleeping on his belly,

but I'm thinking about sleeping on this belly tonight. Look at this fucking temper. Peter, right here. Eight sleep. You have a lot of bullshaffer.

[ Laughter ] I'll let you back. I love it. This is fun. One more time for Art E. Shiffier ladies and gentlemen.

Joining the party. Only here on Pilthoni can something so spontaneous and fun happen on a random Monday. We're going to watch a bucket pull. Ladies and gentlemen, his name is Chad Smith.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Chad Smith. Thanks for Chad, everybody. [ Applause ] What's going on here, guys? I'm Chad.

I am from Oshkosh, Wisconsin. I am here on my birthday. [ Applause ] If you guys don't know where Oshkosh is, that's for Chicago sends all their prisoners.

That's right. Thing about turning 40 is more trips to the bathroom

“and seeing that doctor visiting that back cave every year, right?”

Some of the guys know about that, right? Here's some fun facts about me, right? I didn't learn the birds and the bees growing up. My uncle gave me a playboy and I learned how to come backwards from Bill Cosby. [ Laughter ]

I want to take a little bit to sink in. Speaking of Bill, did he still do stand-up in prison or was he the chocolate pudding? [ Laughter ]

That's right. [ Laughter ] Fun fact about me is I work insurance.

There we go.

[ Laughter ] Chad Smith, welcome Chad.

You're first time on the show.

First time on the show. Awesome.

“When you say that one takes a little bit to sink in,”

when exactly can we expect that to happen? [ Laughter ] Is there a week or a month coming up where-- Two or three business days? Yeah, we're just going to be out there living our lives

and all of a sudden, it was like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." It was pudding because he was pudding. Okay, Chad, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up. I've been doing stand-up. This is two and a half years.

Two and a half years. All of it, nosh, kosh. Uh, mixture between Bark Entertainment, which is Skyline Company Cafe. And then, um, Bark Entertainment. What? What?

So, all the way across the Wisconsin. So, everywhere from Milwaukee up until Green Bay. It's got it. Got it. I hate this guy. [ Laughter ]

He has off duty cop vibe for sure. I don't know why. I just don't like-- Let me see you license, is this prick? [ Laughter ] Ash, kosh.

Amazing.

There's nothing much out there, it's just--

It's planes. I don't show up the accent. Uh, when you're from the Midwest, you get a mix of Minnesota. Uh, so I do say about a lot.

And then in the airport, you guys laugh at me because I say bag instead of bag. There's some reason I doubt that. [ Laughter ] I don't think anyone's ever laughed at you.

[ Laughter ] He's too carefully. I don't like you guys. He's up to subtly. It takes a little bit to sing again. Don't count him out, yeah.

He may be the funniest person in the show's history. We just don't know because it's on a delayed release. I'm gonna get home and I'm like, ah! [ Laughter ] We all just died tonight. He killed.

I feel like we're all high in a car, and he just pulled us over. [ Laughter ] Where are your boys at it? He's shot.

You guys been drinking tonight? [ Laughter ] Wait, you can tough guys! No pat down for me. [ Laughter ]

Well, well, let's say that joke again. Yeah, do it one more time. The one that takes a while to sing again. All right, so it's spelled out this way,

so I never learned the birds in the bees.

My uncle gave me a play-boy, and I learned how to come backwards from Bill Cosby. I learned how to count backwards. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ]

I don't get it. Does everybody get it? You're all -- you're all going to drug you and rape too. That's the joke. Right?

What? Is that the joke? No. It takes a little bit of Bill. I always call backwards when to give the date rape drug.

I know. So, did he rape you? Yeah. You're saying Bill Cosby raped you? No.

Oh. That's what Uncle did. No. Where's his name? What gave me a play-boy?

Who did? Uncle gave you the play-boy. And separately from that. South Bridge of Bill Cosby taught you the count. Yes.

Oh. What?

“But it still seems like Cosby's raping you in this joke, no?”

No. Wait, so you weren't raped by your uncle? No. Or Bill Cosby. Damn it.

Have you ever even met Bill Cosby, dude? No. I've ever seen a play-boy. Yeah, yeah. Boy.

[ Laughter ] Well, how did Bill Cosby teach you how to count backwards then? Well, when you're almost 40 years old, you see him on TV every week, girl, no. And just he count backwards on TV? Yeah, was there in episode?

The sensors like that. It doesn't make sense, but you say it so confidently. I don't like this fucking guy. [ Laughter ] And he's fucking up to something.

[ Laughter ] Or he walks in at the same time. There's something fucking going on here. I don't know if you're with this dude. What man?

Ari brought his travel agent with us. [ Laughter ] It's Ari's big bit. He's like, dude, just go out and be the most unfunny dude in the world. It's going to kill him. Now, who wants to take it to the Paraguay?

So, I show me a... [ Laughter ] Two tickets to Paraguay. I've got... [ Laughter ]

Can I give this guy a compliment? Yes. No, he's got me all happening. And then I also... All right, I'm done.

Yeah. Yeah.

“Luckily, that's how I felt when I heard the meow, too.”

I don't know what I'm doing to finish the bit if I'm being honest with you. Yeah, go ahead and do that bit that got caught off. This might be... He may have saved all of his power for the closing bit. This might...

This might... This might redeem you. This guy's coming in with a bedazzle shirt. He's very excited. This guy literally...

So, this is a fresh... Oh, my gosh. Yeah. This is a fresh bit. And I'm not going to say who I work for,

but let's say I do insurance during the week. And the joke was... I called the client up during the day, and she said I was too early. She still had her CPAP machine on.

Two reals. As the CPAP were, I'm offended. I'm guessing that one's going to take a little bit, too. It's a fresh one, too. It's a while.

It's a while. It's a fresh one. It's a fresh one.

It's a fresh one.

It's a fresh one. It's a while.

“I'm kind of wanting to get rape-like Bill Cosbro, no.”

Yeah.

So, when you say that you learned how to count backwards from Bill...

Are you saying that, like, it's just made up. It's just a joke. There's no episode. There's nothing. It's part of the burrs and the bees.

It's part of the burrs and bees. All right. So, when we write jokes at our club, we want to make sure it relates to people, like my age. What are you up with?

Who's the lead? Who's the lead? And why are you explaining joke writing to us? Yeah. Who's the lead?

Hey. Jork calls. When we're writing jokes, that you guys clearly don't know what the fuck. You're talking about.

Let me explain it to ya, because I'm going to... Yeah. We're in sales. Well, yeah. Hey.

Why? Zippy.

Well, he's on a different level than us, dude.

This was constant.

“You know, there's these Austin, New York, L.A. arguments.”

But we are missing the boat here. Little did we know that the real thunder enlightening is the delayed release that's been... That has been conjured up in Oshkosh was constant. It is incredible.

The park club. What's the cold again? Well, the park entertainment. The park entertainment. The park entertainment.

The skyline comedy club. There we go. The park entertainment. The park entertainment. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Well, Chad, can you give us one interesting, fun fact about your life before I get you out of here? All right. Cool.

So I turned 40 on Wednesday. Okay. We know about that.

You mentioned that the first thing that you actually mentioned was that

it was your birthday. And now we're finding out that you lied. And that it was actually five days ago, which is... Two more days. Oh, you turned it on Wednesday.

This one. Wow. Okay. Well, all right. So it's something you guys do not know.

I'm an ultra-runner. So I run 50K as an above. No, I really hate 'em. Yeah. Go fuck yourself.

He's on a roll over there. He's like, "Bring back a little Caesar's guy." Let's get some peas and get some pussy up here. [laughter] That's nice.

Stop. Think it, think it. [laughter] Chad, you did your best, man. You did the best.

Best, gosh, gosh, set. We're waiting for the release. We're waiting for it to sink in. Thank you so much. There goes Chad.

Smith. Everybody. You know, on an episode in which... [laughter] My goodness.

I mean, a tidy is just a machine. Keeping everyone hydrated. Unbelievable. There she goes. Perfect.

All right. On an episode in which we've been raised with the return of, "Oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen, it's Johnny football. Johnny man's out."

This is how you do it boys. What's up? [applause] Man. What a pleasure.

This has been a long time coming. [applause] Thank you. [applause] I don't know about you guys, but I'd like the guy

for my scratch. You've taught me a lot when I've been in Austin about friendship. I mean, you have a good relationship. I run into the boys every show I come to.

Have good vibes. I'm sitting up here tonight watching for probably the 20, 30th time. You forget about some of your boys, you know? You've taught me about loyalty, all this.

And I got a guy that I go eat crawfish with you, like we do on occasion. Some of a couple of sags, hang out, you know? Meet the boys. How do you leave?

Polly mother fucking sure. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That makes it up a little bit. Johnny Man's out is bringing out Polly shore ladies and gentlemen.

Wow. Wow. No, I don't want to do it, dude.

“That's how I just wanted to fucking watch the show, dude.”

I don't want you to bring me into this shit. Sometimes duty calls, my friend duty calls. Jury duty calls. [ Laughter ] Make some noise for the legend, Polly.

Sure, everybody. This is like the Royal Rumble Peltone episode. It's just, it's just, I've been texting you. I haven't been on here since about three months to go with Rosanne. Yeah.

I'm texting you already. Welcome back, nice to see you, my friend. Look how I am. Good young, good young tip to you.

The Israelis are bombing.

I ran. I'm sure you're happy about that.

That's fucking cock, sucker. [ Laughter ] He's... I'm surprised he didn't go, huh? No, he didn't.

[ Laughter ] So, if Israel really wanted to bomb my ran, they would shoot a chadsmith at them right now. Oh, my, I'm turning 40 in a few days. I don't know how I got here.

[ Laughter ] So, did you change your number? [ Laughter ] So, no.

“Because why aren't you fucking texting me back, dude?”

[ Laughter ] No, but for real. You're worse than fucking Bobby Lee, dude. [ Laughter ] Wow, don't ever text us.

I don't know how you thought he must have changed his number. [ Laughter ] But no, it's not cool.

How long have I known Tony for?

For a long time, and yeah, a long time, give it up for Tony. That's 20 years. That's 20 years. Beautiful. Beautiful, man.

And I just, I don't know what happened, dude. You know what I mean? Why, why do I sit back during New Year's Eve? And you, Tom, my fucking... I might just fucking...

I might jump on this motherfucker, dude. You fucking tell him. When you moved to Austin and you get this cool and your network expands, he starts getting a big head. Go to Netflix, we're selling out Madison Square Garden.

We're doing all of that. It gets your head. It's like, who do I prioritize the most? You're gonna see put on the fucking New Year. You're at the bottom of the total pole right now, my friends.

What are you looking like?

“I think you need to stand up for yourself.”

Well, you say it, because you said it, and that was to make me fucking come down here. Tony, give him more shit, give him better food. Tony, listen to me. You had fucking caratop and Rob Schneider.

[ Laughter ] As the fucking polls, as your fucking golden ticket. They work the co-guests of the year. Yeah, they work both the guests. They weren't in fucking bio-domber.

[ Laughter ] They weren't in a fucking goofy movie, though. [ Laughter ] They weren't leaning tower, mother fucking cheese suck. [ Cheers and applause ]

No one gets a fuck about those guys. Stop fucking kissing the ass. That's that. That's that. [ Laughter ] Holly fucking shore ladies and gentlemen.

Melissa Singh H. Foley of the R.U. Garbage podcast. Let's eat you. It's incredible. He's well. Holly, take it easy on him. Take it easy.

That's just for men confidence. [ Laughter ] Am I in son in law too now? [ Laughter ] No, Red band had a good.

I just died my hair brown. It used to be -- [ Laughter ] Dude, I'm lucky I'm alive. Let's give me a fucking break, okay? [ Cheers and applause ]

Lisa, I'm not Mickey Roar. What the fuck? I could pay my rent, okay? So I died it because, you know, it was getting like this. You should do a talk. You're just for men at Walgreens, bro.

[ Laughter ] You'll get me to hook up at Walgreens? [ Laughter ] I get you hook up at Walgreens if you want. It's bloody.

But it'll grow back out great. It'll be good again. Then we can go, "Kava, Nakila." Again. Anyways. I'm just kidding.

It's cool you can have those guys on. But I'd like to be on your next Netflix show, so I can do Richard Simmons movie. Please. [ Cheers and applause ]

Well, I mean, we are doing -- We are doing a Killtoni WrestleMania crossover episode for Netflix in Las Vegas. It airs on April 20th for 2020. [ Cheers and applause ]

How about you want to do a spot there? If you will, if you will have me, that'll be fantastic. Can my friend Johnny come? Yeah, Johnny can come. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

I fucking love it. I don't know what that third ingredient in the blue chew gold is, but it's bumping right now because I'm pretty sure Johnny football in Paulie's short just walked out of my show.

This is fucking incredible.

I'm tripping my couch off. No, I love caratap. I love Rob. We're just having fun. We're having a good time. You know, fuck it, right? Absolutely.

We're having a good turn. That's what I do. I do. I dust off the old dusty Chinese. Chinese. I like the garbage guys. These guys are awesome too.

Hell yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. I don't know if I call them that. They're not Puerto Rican. It's the R-U garbage guys.

Are you garbage guys? Thank you, Holmes.

“How about a hand for the Great Polyshore and the Great Johnny Manza?”

These are my friends. I had no idea they were coming out tonight. How exciting is this? Oh, man. I'm going to get black out drunk tonight.

Anytime man zoes around, we fucking shoot shots to kill and roll dice all night. Dude, he's the best. Funny you're saying was watching the 23-year-old girl when you said Johnny football and she's like,

I don't know. I didn't think that look of baffling could get topped, but then when you put out a 98-year-old polyshore.

It's just like fucking kill-tony madlid.

What the fuck is going on?

Right. I do. If he kept fucking with folias, oh, that was got to beat up polyshore on. I'm like, I'm going to throw this whole guy up.

And I love fucking bio-do. Yeah. I love it.

“The 23-year-old is like, is that Matt Rape's grandfather?”

Is that the last remaining golden girl? Oh my god, it's a still getting. Dude, we traveled down the road and back again, right? 'Cause we're the golden girls, bro. What's up with you, Kevin?

Carrot, top a chance and not me. A little spoiled baby. A little spoiled baby. Can I be on a Netflix episode, bro? Dude, if I could rewind 19 years

and show you me arriving to the comedy store and the feeling that you feel the first time polyfucking shore like walks out of the door or something and you're like, oh shit. And now, 19 years of grinding,

grueling is seven days a week, dream nightmare passion of your career. And here's polygone, dude, when you're going to give me a shot, bro. What are the two?

Can you hook it up, dude? The fuck, buddy? It was me pals, man.

Literally, never let me open

for him on the road. I was starving. Starving my first use. Literally, sleeping in my car behind the comedy store is like, dude, wake up.

Time to get up, bro. You can't be sleeping too late. I'm like, poly, it's 8am, please. I went to bed at five. Let me sleep.

I love how we, of all, you've had a hundred people on the show. He only called out Rob Schneider and Carotop. It's true. That's who he thinks of the least talented ones you've had.

Yeah. Yeah. He's like, I'm better than those dipshits. Yeah. I love it.

It's like, it's like going up to Tarantino and being like, dude, why'd you go with Trebolta and Pulp Fiction? Dude, he was, he was just dancing at the time, dude.

You need a real star. I was in bio domes.

In Glorious Bastards, babe.

“You know, who's this Chris Walsk guy? What's the deal, bro?”

We have nothing but momentum. It's insanity before we get to another Golden Ticket winner. Let's knock out one more bucket pull here. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Makes a noise for Trinity.

Ultimayer, everybody. Trinity, Ultimayer. Hello. Yes, okay. My name is Trinity.

I was named after the movie The Matrix. Have we seen it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In that movie, Trinity kind of serves as Leo Salvation. She's like a foil to God.

And I'm just sick and tired of being seen as men's Salvation. So like last year, I was proposed to three times. And I just, I am from Texas. So I want to know what it is about me. That says, come and take it.

Because I'm going to show you fucking come and take it. All right. Oh, man, I just, it's, I can't feel the date for this. I'll have you know. I'll have you know.

And I went down by the dogs. And so now I got some seawater on me. And I smell like fish. But what the fuck is new? I don't know.

All right. I'm curious as to what the time is. And I'm nervous. And so I want to say my name again. And end it here as, you know,

“I used to introduce myself as the father of the sun in the holy.”

And you can guess why. Self-care looks like a lot of different things. And I was confronted with an rax penis. I don't know what to do with it. So I grabbed a hold of it.

And I went from, from pressing on his foot like a clutch. Oh, my dad taught me how to try and do. Okay. Trinity, Trinity, Trinity. Let's slow it down here.

We're done. We're done. Hi, Trinity. How are you? How are you?

I'm good. I'm super into this. Okay. How long have you been when stand up? Since the end of July. So like half a year.

Okay. All right. And you're from Texas. You live here? I moved to Austin in January.

But I'm from the nine five six. I know I sound like I'm from a different family. Let the people know we're exactly with the nine five sixes. Do you know where, like,

McAllen and Berg Brownville. Brownsville works. Brownsville. Okay. Okay.

All right. What do you want? Trinity, what's going on? You want some medicine? I'm unmedicated currently.

Yeah. What? Can you rattle it off for us? I'm supposed to be on lexapero and vivant. Uh-huh.

You're supposed to be. What are you on? Not that. Okay. What are you on?

Just nothing. Nothing. At the moment. When you say you're supposed to be on lexapero and vivant.

I call off that.

I know. I play Kieltoni roulette. So this really is a special night. I didn't do anything and I got picked. No.

So. All right. Demandness really making a spectacle of him leaving. Right.

I've never seen you face forward.

That's long. We know. We don't like her. That much either. It's okay.

It's easy. Because he got full by the last chick. She didn't get me again. It is true. This is what a feminine female comedian is like.

Everybody for those of you that were waiting. Yeah. Yeah. Again, we just confused two of the dumb bitches in the room there that I like. Woo!

Represent. She's bombing and sucking through the interview. So. Anyway, Trinity.

“So what made you want to start stand up six months ago?”

I was arrested for weed. Okay. You were just regular old weed. Regular old THCA. I got arrested.

Got a misdemeanor in a felony.

And so I said, fuck it. What else am I going to do? Hold on. Hold on. It was a felony amount of weed that you had.

Yeah, it was just a TSA pen. Everybody in the crowd fucking has one. Okay. Shut up, Nark. Yeah, wait.

Okay. It's legal in Austin. You're safe. You're safe. Fucking cock.

But in the nine five six. It's a felony to have a weed pen. I was in East Texas when they got me. Yeah. If I go to my grocery store and have a joint in my car.

It's right outside of Travis County. I would get a felony for that. How did you know what county it was? Whoa. Red band.

I'm confused. That's fine.

“Did you really get proposed to three times this year?”

Last year. Last year. How did that happen? Was it the same guy? Which one take no for an answer?

Three times. Maybe you didn't hear what I just said. Will you, okay, hold on. I'll go down to one knee. I'll try once more.

You have nothing. And I have a job. Will you fucking marry me? Did he ask you three different times? Or did your three personalities just hear the same question at once?

It was three different guys. All in twenty twenty five. One was the end of a relationship in twenty two four moving in twenty five. Then a fling. Then some random.

And now I'm a comic. You are, huh? Trinity Altamir. Very interesting. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up?

What do you do for work? How do you make money? I oversee political organizing in like three different key states. Sorry. Oh, guys.

I'm also starting January six. What we had to. What, what, what party? Who has you working for them? I got to know.

“Is this why the Democrats are winning Texas elections?”

What's happening? What are you doing out there exactly? Who are you overseeing for? Right now we're working on affordable housing.

Well, it looks like that's never going to happen everybody.

Time to get to work and start saving up for a house. Sorry. Okay, what else? I can't wait to hear your platform other than affordable housing. What else are you working on?

What are your goals politically? Honestly, it's a nonpartisan nonprofit. So we'll support anybody. We'll register anybody to vote. We don't give a shit what you think.

What you do. We just want to get people like support and, you know, shit dude. People just applauding chaos on the streets. Oh, that sounds good. Actually, those support anybody.

I fucking left supporting anybody. Fucking retarded if this is correct. I'm completely retarded. That's support anybody for any office. It's not like, it's not like politicians.

It's like policies. So we'll go in between, you know, like Ted Cruz and a different Democrat. We'll have like different policies on fucking legalized sex work. And little did you know, Ted Cruz is like, let's legalize sex work. But it's to arrest more.

Pimp. Yeah. To arrest. Little did you know. Little did I know.

Welcome to another episode of Little did I know. I've learned a lot here with Trinity. Thank you. That's also, that's a very funny phrase in comedy. You'll do you know.

We got to bring that back. Nothing. Don't laugh has ever derived from Little do you know. What's the fact? Would you say are you?

Got to bring that back and stand up. Folks, please, or ladies and gentlemen. Little did you know. What a good twist. Little did you know.

Today's my birthday actually Wednesday. Little did you know that Ted takes a little bit for that one to sink in. Yeah. Hey, you know, in Latin America, there's a lot of street dogs. Little did you know.

You can fuck up. How are you working on? All right, baby.

Oh, good chip.

Whoa. Look at you, so. Whoa.

Trinity landed like a pro.

Like a Lexa pro. Wow. Wow. All right. Trinity.

“I'm going to throw this little chip of right in front of you.”

Right in front of you. You can catch it. There you go. It's all right. You can keep it if you want it.

If you had your buy vans, you would have caught that thing. Ah. And you're so correct. What? How do you caught that?

You're correct. Okay. You got it. Did you guys find that little joke? Let's go on, Tony.

This guy with the shady haircut pocketed already. You're so awkward. Give her another one. Get it? Here's another one.

Here you go. Give her another one. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen. There she goes.

Trinity. Ultimire. Ladies and gentlemen. Trinity. All right.

Now we get to go to this. Okay. All right. Heidi working overtime tonight. We got a well hydrated panel tonight.

Heidi's the best. Make sure you follow her. Heidi Regina. No doubt about it.

“And we have a golden ticket winner everybody who this is his first time caching in.”

He blew our fucking minds of veteran of comedy from the country of Turkey doing a brand new minute. His first time caching in his golden ticket. Make some noise. Or who to more everybody or who to more.

It's been really not wrecking back there. Cause I'm watching the people go before it's like open micro legend. Open micro legend. Unlike I can I please be after I am going to buy Trinity all the alcohol or medication She needs after this.

I was like oh I know her too. I'm like oh please suck. I don't give a fuck about your career. Please. Anyway, but now comedy.

So I'm 33.

I've never gone close to marriage.

I can't look at you when I say this. I have to look at the man. I've never gone close to marriage. You guys can act a little surprise by the way. I bought a new fucking short for this.

Fucking surprise. But the reason is cause I'm a struggling comic and I really don't want to settle for someone who would settle for me. You know, I anybody who looks at me and says yeah I'll waste my best eight years on him. I'm like I don't want someone with bad judgment raising my children. You know.

Anyway, thank you guys. Or who's more. Very funny joke. You're 33. 33.

33. 33. There you go. Hell yeah. I'm actually from Connecticut.

I just do this. To be more authentic, you know. Amazing.

“This is exciting for you to be next to the guy that we replaced you with when we thought you weren't coming back.”

It was a while. It was a long time. You weren't responding to text out there. The text were turning green. I'm like I need to.

I love you by the way. If you want, I can touch your head and you can go to my country turkey and they'll plug your hair if they see you. But I am 100% thinking about that. Also, what is going on in the set of taken for? What are you going to announce yet?

Set off taking for? It's over. [ Laughter ] Or who? Timor.

Where did you get that new shirt from exactly? I got it from? Can I allow to plug places? I just asked you a question here. A lot to say whatever you want.

Okay, leverage lounge. It's a vintage place. Okay. Someone. I can buy new clothes too.

I just like vintage. [ Laughter ] Okay. You're looking at me like, I don't know. I like it when somebody already swed it in it.

And whatever. It's a very turquish of you. Yes. The joke is fantastic. Tell us more about how life has changed since winning a golden ticket.

What's going on? Life in Texas for or who? Timor. Well, in Texas, it's amazing. First of all, I've been getting a lot of opportunities.

In general, because I'm turquish, you know, it's not always heavy.

Like 90% of my country is very like yay, flags, all that. Temperes on my country think I'm a traitor. And four people think I work for Israel. Well, yeah, that's going to happen a lot. Anytime anybody does good or bad at any of that.

If you say, "Now I'm fucked." If you make it, you fucked me.

Get a screenshot of that and send it back to Istanbul.

[ Laughter ] It's just a thing now. The world is on to these realities because of the internet. So if anybody does anything real on please. [ Laughter ]

Part out. If anybody does anything really great like making it in show business, they assume you're working with the Israelis. And if you assassinate anybody or do anything really bad, they assume you're with the Israelis.

Well, that being said, if you look at my tax returns of last year,

“like I think they're short-changing me a little bit older.”

Well, they are known for that. Yeah. Short-changing with the Israelis.

That's the first thing they do.

What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you if you had to get... Oh, a good question to her. Oh, wow. I am thinking of the answer to get me in least trouble. No, don't worry about Charlie.

Oh, you're okay. Your next story, Shafiris, basically. Oh, wow. He's their sole leader. I touch you.

We got it. Okay, go. Just gave him a high five. Or is he calls it a high eight? I think three and a half.

High five. I think I like... I like woman who I mean, I think that's the most Jewish thing about me. Is that a Jewish thing, Ari? Women that are mean?

Well, the last bitch was... She just flamed me for no reason at the end. What? Fucking whore. Go down yourself.

What are the Turks known for?

What are some of their stereotypes? Uh... Oh, man. I guess. Hey, you can't look at every answer.

“You're scared to death if someone is assassinating you.”

I'm acting like I'm doing that. I'm actually thinking of the funniest thing. I don't give a fuck. I'll tell you whatever. I'm in America now.

That's right. Yeah, that's right. Do you have your green card? You got your green card? Huh?

You got your green card? I have my citizenship. I'm good. Hell yeah. What happened with Ari Maddie?

Why can't he do this? Ari decided to go through his own... Weird lawyer that he found online. And so it's taking a long time. You know the present?

I know. He refuses help from everybody and anybody. Literally we're friends with him. You have any connections with the government? Yeah, I know the one in charge.

It's the most bizarre thing. We're friends with the entire administration. And literally, uh... He has to give them his case number. And Ari refuses based on his own.

Weird Estonian principle. I swear to God, this is true. For us to help him. But what's exciting is that much like you coming out and surprising us. His plan is to surprise us with his citizenship.

That hopefully fucking happens. Because if it doesn't happen soon, they're literally going to ship him back to Estonia. He's going to be one of the most famous deported people ever. You're good.

I know that's his name. And so with a Boba club, he's going to come out and say he's not coming. Back in. But I was a monster. The political and Turkey I've been supportive, like I gotta say, that 90% is very supportive.

Yeah. Americans are very supportive. Yeah.

I got my first comedy news, also.

Comedy. News. Because I got personal news, but now comedy news. [laughter] A nude.

Gick picks without. Some big picks. Some big picks too. But I didn't press them. I didn't press them.

“How do you know they were dick picks if you didn't press them?”

Because I saw a skin color and black hair eating. And I said, I reckon this is a dick. I reckon. [laughter] So I'm going to go back to stereotypes of Turkish people.

What are they known for over there? We're known for eating everything except pork. But every part of a cow, large intestine, testicles. Well, actually my father liked testicles a lot with eggs, but... Really?

Yeah, just my father. Not too eggs? Yeah, and basically not too eggs. Wow. We call them life eggs.

Does it give you energy or something? What is the purpose? It actually has absolutely no nutritional value. It's a psychological thing. You eat the cow's balls and you're like, I bet now it's both.

Power. It's not a cow. I'm almost positive. Have you eaten balls? Yeah, but not from a cow.

Well, come with it. You're a legend over there. I'll make you any eggs you want. I know a stereotype of Turkey. I don't know.

I mean, I don't listen. I lived in LA for a long time. So it's a separate reason for you. But I hate our minions. [laughter]

Is this trail moving on? No. You're afraid to tackle this subject too. Do you have a dislike for our minions? No, I love our minions.

I love everybody in our region. I grew up in the Armenia town of Turkey.

Orhun's been famous for three weeks.

And he's the most afraid of getting canceled out of anybody.

This is the wacky shit. But what can I do? I love everybody. In fact, I participate in political party with Trinity Altamira. We do non-profit.

We do non-profit with too many policy. One thing is, when I live in America for a while, you realize the Armenians and Turkish people are the same. All the things I don't like about them is exactly what I don't like about my people. That's exactly how a spear Americans feel about both of you.

That's exactly perfect. It's amazing. What about the Greeks? A lot of Turks don't like the Greeks. The Greeks, we took their land.

And we're not going to fucking give it back. It's one of the parents square. We got a fake conquest by conquest. I just realized I'm touring over there. You guys are ruining me, do you?

It's perfect. Amazing orhun.

“And what do you think is the most American thing about you?”

Other than the fact that you're wearing the trans flag as a shirt, right? I just realized that's actually 100% true. I forgot that existed. I accidentally click on pictures sent to me a trans flag. I said, "I want that in shirt."

Most American thing about me, I guess. I came to this land and I had no connection here. And I said, "This is mine." I think that's the most... Let's go.

I love that.

Orhun, people are ladies and gentlemen with his first spot.

And interviews since becoming a golden tick-a-winner, it can happen to anybody. It can happen at any point. Anytime, my god, there are some die-hard, Heidi fans in the room.

They're going ballistic for Heidi tonight. Is everybody on blue tune tonight? Alright. Your next fucking poll ladies and gentlemen goes by the name of Nate Hong Kong, everyone.

Nate Hong Kong. Hello, all I am Nate Hong Kong. Well, I was born and raised in Hong Kong, but I got a big dick. So you can just call me Caucasian.

There we go. I have lots of Chinese friends as a result. Or just the one. I can't tell. Yeah.

I actually, uh, I failed my driver's license in Hong Kong.

“You know how fucking bad you have to be a driving.”

For a Chinese guy sitting next to you, shit scared to be like, I can't lie in good conscience, uh, you are a low hazard. Now, I actually failed because I didn't hit enough of the traffic cones.

Now, what are you doing? You didn't call all that family or four, huh? Alright, that's me. Nate Hong Kong. Yeah.

Oh, wild show this is tonight. I like it. Nate, how long have you been going to stand up? Since I was like, well, I did my first set. I think when I was like 18, I'm 29 now.

In Hong Kong, you started in Hong Kong. Yeah, at, uh, I did my first set of takeout. Yeah, long time ago. Nice, yeah. Amazing.

You lived over there for how long? Yeah, I was born and raised there. And then, um, I spent like a little bit of time in Singapore and then back to Hong Kong. And I was there until 2019.

And, uh, the Hong Kong protest went from like 2013 to 2019. And that, um, I was like a part of those.

“And then, how'd you guys, how'd you guys do on that?”

The same is every protesting group of all time. Yeah.

All time, never a victory for the people out on the streets whining about anything.

Yeah. Turns out you need power everywhere. It's true, yeah. We did very poorly. You know, uh, you know, guarantee you and Tambi Chan.

Uh, no, I, I kind of left. Later. Tommy Wong. John, Tommy Wong. There you go.

I got this in one year, that and the other. So when did you come to American, Nate? Uh, like seven weeks ago. Seven weeks ago. Yeah, bro.

I saw my lease on six street yesterday, so yeah. Gradually. First time ever in the United States. So you went straight from Hong Kong to Austin, Texas? No.

I got stuck, uh, during the COVID lockdown in Australia. And then, um, and that made me want to blow my fucking brains out to. I got that. Yeah, that was brutal. I was like 10 years in London.

Maybe a few days. Hoppitch is up a suck. Yeah. Four years ago, man. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I kind of just ended for me recently.

Yeah. Unfortunately.

“You ever think that you may have been the one that spread that around?”

I was, yes. The answers. Yes. I, because I, yeah. They, uh, I told everybody when I moved down, like, I've just come from Hong Kong.

And they were like, uh, right. Yeah, I was funny. Yeah. So you've been in Australia for four years? Uh, yeah.

Yeah. More or less. And then back to HK for a minute and then back to Austin. HK. I love it.

There we go. Uh, fine. So you know how to speak Chinese fluently. I'm guessing. Uh, I speak like conversational Cantonese.

I'm not very good.

The first language of Hong Kong is English, so.

Can you give us an example of a sentence? Like, I can say, yeah. I'll say, go on. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I'm a little nervous. I guess we all speak Cantonese. Uh, yeah. Can you, can you, can you unsee it that a little bit? Yeah.

No. No. Yeah. I'm out this very. What does that mean?

This I speak Cantonese. What? I speak Cantonese. Oh. Oh.

You should. I'm not even sure you speak English. So this. Oh, no. I'm going to be honest.

I don't trust this fuckery. Yeah. People say you're from double. He's like, I'm from Hong Kong. No.

No. It's a good point.

I wouldn't trust me either.

I think my mom was a spot. I'm almost certain that my mom was an American spy. Let me drink for sure. Yeah. What makes you think your mom was a spy?

Well, she was pregnant. What makes you think your mom was a spy? Uh, I was digging through like personal belongings one time. I found a picture of her and then it said spy. Oh.

Yeah. Your mom's definitely a spy. Yeah. That's incredible.

“I don't think you should have brought that up on one of the biggest shows on the world.”

Oh, yeah. Sorry, mom. I love you. You've blown her cover. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, my god. It's like a median. It's like a kiltony. Also, what a horrible spy who takes a picture of themselves.

I'm a spy. That's fucking crazy. No spies. Yeah. Like, what am I going to get?

Let me just write it down. So I don't forget.

I don't think they pull out your fingernails in China.

They might paint them and buff them out for it. That's fine. Um, what is your mom? What do your parents do for work in China? They made, they made, they made move there.

Yeah, my mom was in the foreign service. And then she got station in the unofficial state department I want. And your dad hides lucky charms. That's, that's really funny to you. That's really funny.

Yeah. The answer is yes. Uh, that's. Do you know Robin Hood yourself? Yeah.

Of course. It's like the fox. Yeah. Yeah. What have you been doing for work your whole life?

Uh, I worked in hospitality. And then I did some work for a film production company based in Sydney. Okay. You saved up money and moved to Austin, too. Yeah.

I lived with my parents for a year to save up money to move to Austin, Texas. Uh, yes, seven weeks ago. Yeah. And what's your plan now that you're in Austin? How are you going to make money here?

Um, Hong Kong. Yeah. I mean, I have an extensive hospitality background. And, um. So you're looking for work?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

“When you say hospitality background, what exactly do you mean?”

Bar. Yeah. Okay. Do you really mean hospitality? Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. Was it a socket? Suck it on the sixth street? Yeah.

Ooh. Actually, it's funny. Like, like, in Cantonese, you call people low-bought dough. Uh, like Japanese people low-bought dough, which is like turnip head. That's like a good face.

You're very niche slur. Wow. Very niche. My favorite slur of all time comes from Hong Kong. What's that?

Mainlander. True. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. It's all the other Chinese.

It's all Chinese except for Hong Kong and Taiwan. All right. All right. We have Jews in China too. Yeah.

They just can't get circumcised because there'd be nothing left. Oh. Oh, Chinese, Jewish, small penis super-remix. Yeah. That's actually such a, yeah, that's dirty lie though.

That's a dirty lie. Chinese guys, they have big dicks. I've seen them. Is that true? Yeah.

I like I grew up going to gym class and stuff. Like it's not. It's not like, they catch a lot of shit, but it's not all true. I think we just found out that you have an extremely small penis. Yeah.

Pretty sure you just accidentally. He's like, my mom's a spy and I got a little dick. But thank you. That's my time. But at least it doesn't take a little bit for that to sink in.

At least we know exactly what you're talking about, right? Oh yeah. The French is big. The legendary Hong Kong for. Yeah.

Yeah. This guy's. Oh, Mandingo. Oh, yeah. This guy's.

Oh, Mandingo. That's so funny. Oh, my good. Yeah. All right.

Nate.

Well, I like your style, man. Welcome, Austin. Thank you. Here's a big joke book coming at you. Bingbong.

There you go. Bingbong is his travel agent's name. Everybody back in Hong Kong. A little fun text for you. Bingbong.

Bingbong. All right. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Rockout Millie. That's an interesting name. Let's all meet Rockout Millie together.

Here we go, Austin. Yeah.

I'll go by Rockout Millie the first question I get usually is.

And what? Raise your mind. And I like to represent for Blackhead, Jeremy. I'm saying now a lot of us out here. But we all here.

“I think it's kind of funny how a retarded guy's.”

NBA players both say currency the same way. Money? I was playing on stripping my back. I was playing on stripping when I got out here. So I'm a stripper.

You've earned me. First of all, me. I thought the mic's a little bit. It's a big mic. Doing it.

We f*ckled when we used to Austin. We f*ckled when we used to. I got caught in the rain before I came here to say the first time this bitch got wet. It's not the first time. Okay.

Rockout Millie with this kiltony debut. Are you sure? Before we go and I don't. It's a long time ago. Whitney Houston was a pop star and she died in the bathtub.

Second of all. Who's asking you what race you are? Even demadness knows the answer to that. That motherfucker black as night. He looked like what I've seen.

Am I wrong or do you have a little German in you? Am I right? Holy shit. Look at this guy. Are you really half German?

Yeah. Really? Am I a German? She's completely German. You're so.

Wow.

“Now I don't know my dad so I assume he's black.”

I can't even imagine how black he must be. The dominant change of your black father.

I mean absolutely incredible rockout millie.

What am I? You a duly. Yeah, you got it. He said you looked duly. That's a German in you.

That's a German. By the way, let me remind you all. Let me remind you. Let me remind you. German in him hates me and the black in him.

It respects me not tipping. Hell yeah, I never to. Fuck no. Do your job bitch. It checks out.

Yep. Your dad. I mentioned again your dad is dominant jeans. What's amazing is your half German. And meanwhile we had a black guy on earlier named the Mr. Ziegler.

And he wasn't half German. His last name Ziegler. What's up with the black German thing? Do you have an answer for that? Look though.

Where are you people coming from? Shit. You said he doesn't know his dad. Shit. Wow.

You might be Mr. Ziegler son.

“Have you ever put your dick fully inside a lady?”

Or only a little bit. And make him go crazy. Side of what? Do you put your whole, what the fuck's going on? I just fucking answered this guy like I'm on his show.

It's incredible.

This is an amazing story.

You're born in Germany. Fuck no. I was born in New Jersey. Oh, shit. That is not good.

But Jersey. Wow. All right. He's turning on the crowd ladies and gentlemen. What are you saying?

Making a heel turn here. Oh, he wants more of the business. I love a heel. We're going to keep. Oh, he got that painted outside of the alleyway.

Yeah. Without a doubt. The guy who. I was sleeping on his belly woke up and painted on his jacket. This is absolutely amazing.

Rockout. Millie up here with one very cotton glove. That is, is that just, oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, who's your own tone? Michael Jackson, glove with a Whitney Houston shirt.

We are all hoping he dies soon. This is incredible. Amazing. Rockout, Millie, how old are you? I'm 24.

24. What do you do for work, Millie? Unemploy.

I got an interview tomorrow though.

Yeah. Where? Amazing.

“I got a feeling you're not going to get it.”

Where?

Where is the center of you at?

Whole foods. Whole foods. Oh, yeah. Maybe you are. What do you want to do with whole foods?

Is it a seafood department? Okay. Well, you already smell like that. So, getting. Millie, what's your living situation?

You move here full time. You came here on New Year's. Okay. You have your own apartment. Homeless out there on a side mystery.

Okay. So you're homeless. But you're really great. Yeah. You're doing great for homeless.

That's amazing. Most homeless people don't have two gloves. The only bad news is they're both free or right hand. So, that left hand. Frostbite.

Old Frostbite, Millie over here. So, oh my goodness. Wow. Oh my God. We had uncle Lazer.

We've never had cousin Lazer before.

This is incredible. Wow. This guy's just brother Lazer. Yeah. Amazing.

A man of many slight talents. Well, he's pulling something else up. Millie. So, how long have you been homeless for? Oh, it's his New Year's.

I came here New Year's day. And I sat outside to calm any mothership that whole day. Okay. That's a weird road. I got to shelter on the 12.

Okay. So, 12 days, 12 days homeless. 12 days on the streets, the shelter after that.

“What were you doing in New Jersey before you moved here?”

I went to New York when I was 13, but I was born in Jersey and I was a grocery store manager. Okay. You managed a grocery store in New York City. Not, I managed a department. What department?

Deli department. Ooh. Now you're looking to make the job. You're seafood. Hopefully.

It's a big, big job. Yeah, I have a seafood department. Oh. Yeah, honey. What else about you?

What do you do for fun? I like the draw. I got this little cartoon. I'm working on a card. Don't call.

It's going to be out soon. Call what? Don't call. Spell that. D-O-P-E.

C-O-N-E. Don't call. Don't call. What's that about? What's the theme of dope-com?

Two stars. And it's a comedic cartoon. And it's, um, it got some deeper. But it's really just, it's just funny. Working people find it out.

Uh, check my Instagram out. Uh, rock out, Millie. Okay. Rock out, Millie. M-I-L-L-Y.

Everybody there he goes. Rock out, Millie. Here's a, uh, I'm going to, I'm just going to give it to you. 'Cause you look like you need it. Or you could resell it or something.

Like your model. Do you think you're real quick? Why, why? You think he's good at her, Monica? You think he's good at her, Monica?

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Don't put that on. I don't, I don't.

Oh, he's got her down. Hurry. He's going to do it. It looks clean. All right.

Don't do it, man. Oh, you're going to turn German. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, you know it. A fearless, fearless legend.

Oh, he's got that box. Ain't no party like a bedbook party. I really hope he gets that job. I do too. I hope there's a, where that shit's in the interview.

Yeah. That's actually a great point. Is Millie already gone? Millie already gone? There's a CV's right there real quick.

Send him back out real quick. 'Cause that's a great question actually. I just wanted to tell him to make sure. Yeah, where that shit is. It's a great point.

Real quick. Millie's still here. Millie. Is he there? It's Millie probably's got a jersey.

I don't know. Is he gone? Okay. Oh, he's here. Here he comes, Millie.

Real quick. Just one question. Just come out. Send him out, send him, send him, send him. Millie.

Real quick. 'Cause he brings up a great point. What are you wearing to that interview tomorrow?

“What are you wearing to your job interview tomorrow?”

A fucking suit. You have a suit next high? Okay. There he goes. All right.

Good luck. We're going to put it in a word for you. At the Whole Foods. Fish street. Close Amy.

Fish street. Fish street. At the freeway. There he goes. See food department.

Good kid. You don't want to home with. All right. We're having fun here tonight. Just had to make sure.

Last bucket pool. Then I make some extra Alex hurt line. Everybody. Alex hurt line. Fuck you, dude.

I'm starting to think. All Mexicans are Oklahoma Thunder fans. 'Cause whenever I ask one for a favor,

they're always like, "Okay, see."

Yeah, dude.

Uh, I fucked a celebrity.

Yeah. Dude, it was a great time until I got kicked out of the wax museum. [ Laughter ] Yeah, dude. Fucking security guard that caught me.

He was like, "Sir, I need you to pull out a bus like you're right now." [ Laughter ] Thank you. Yes. Let's see here.

Everybody measures the height of snow. But never the girls. [ Laughter ] Very stupid. Yes.

Oh, thank God. Dude, thank you very much. [ Laughter ] A great buck and set Alex hurt line. Welcome.

Is this your first time on the show?

Second. You've been on this show before.

“I remember now that I see that crazy birth mark you got there.”

Oh, yeah. That thing's wild. Or he was like, "He's got a black eye. He's got a black eye." [ Laughter ]

He also said that about Rockout Millie, too, when he came out. He's like, "He's got a black eye. A black cheek. A black forehead."

Something's up with this guy. All right. Alex, welcome back. Where was that last? When was the last time you were on the show?

It was a July. Grega, Greggford Simmons was on. And I had a generational fuck up. Like, I did jokes about my birthmark, but I wore a bucket hat.

So, like, nobody could see what I was talking about. And I, like, bombed hard as fuck. Well, tonight you fucking cranked it, dude. Amazing jokes. I love the unbelievable crisp.

Anunciation. Everybody got what the fuck you were saying. It was well written. It was well edited. Everything was tight and strong and fucking smart.

And funny. I was wondering where you were going with that OKC joke. Incredible. The act out, the whole thing. Amazing stuff.

Are you sure?

“So, didn't lean on the fucking birthmark at all.”

Yeah. All right. Let this be a lesson to all these real-chaired cowards. [laughter] That every obstacle is just a hurdle.

That some of you can leap over. [laughter] The classic Fiona Calli laugh in the mix. She's fucking crazy. Oh, my God.

So, Alex, that's amazing.

It's great that you learned that lesson about the birthmark and the hat. And everything crazy stuff like that happens. What else has been going on in your life? From mine, how old are you? I'm 24.

24. What do you do for work? I'm a Barista Dutch Bros now. OK. Fuck yeah, crushing it.

Oh yeah. Barista's a rich for Dutch Bros, but OK. True. Yeah. You make coffee.

Yeah. I put shit in the cup. I'm like here. [laughter] Yeah, dude.

Your face looks like you've got a handshake at interstellar. [laughter] Yes.

“Does anybody ever order a black eye at that place?”

Do you know what that is? That's a drink. That's a drink. No. There's a lot of people don't know this, but on the grind and hustle that I've been on,

I once worked at the Starbucks next to the comedy store morning shifts before working the afternoon phone shift at Starbucks and I am a master fucking barista from 18 years ago. Coffee with a new espresso star? That is a red eye. Wait, what's the black eye?

That's a coffee with two espresso. Oh, please. Okay. Amazing. So we're all learned something here tonight.

Yes. If you really want to get fucking wired, you could throw a espresso and espresso shots in your coffee. Oh, yeah. I have a Starbucks question for you though.

Sure. Compare that to you. What did a tortoise order the most? What's a tortoise? Oh, yeah.

That's very easy. Straight fucking frappuccinos. Really? Caramel, caramel, double caramel, extra whipped cream frappuccino. Okay.

That's interesting because that Dutch Bros.

It's always like a strawberry or a shot of chai.

Well, that's probably as close as it gets. Yeah. We didn't have pork chopters at the Starbucks, but I promise you if we did that would be the... That would be the...

That would be the drink of tortoise. What do you guys think about it? Yeah, Alex. Yeah. Okay.

He's fucking fun. You shit, chill. You know what? What are you doing this? Whatever red bands show us.

That is the great point. You don't want 'em on? You can't do this. You can't do this. It's a fucking way.

It's a special way to South by Southwest Week. And also, I think he said, "Thank God." When it was the minute, he's like, "Thank God." I can't... How much material do you think you have?

It's like that minute that you did that quality. Obviously, there's like three of your best jokes. Yes. So, like... The longest I've done is probably 25,

but that was like two years ago. How long you been doing comedy again? Three years. Three years. Um...

I have like... It's one line of shit like that, and then kind of stories. If I had the guess, maybe 30.

If I was bombing straight, I could be up there for 30, I think.

You know, we're gonna do just for fun.

You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do?

You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do?

You know what I'm gonna do?

You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do? You know what I'm gonna do?

I have a real eye for what the fuck is? Look. All right.

“Everybody I mean, what a fucking show it's been.”

Uh, amazing. What the fuck? We started with William. [applause] Ari Maddie's on the road doing extra shows.

Timmy No breaks is a conserving energy, but we have one more regular to close out tonight who I think is taking over fucking comedy one week at a time. An undisputed growing freak of nature. At one point in his life, he was the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas.

Makes him noise for yet another.

This guy never turns down his set.

When we've done two shows tonight, when we've met multiple shows a week, he always has a new set. Make some fucking noise for one of my favorite comedians. [applause] My therapist told me I could be a while in no more. Uh, a while in me, young niggas.

And uh, 'cause one off 35 and that energy is dangerous with a niggas with no ACLs. So now I'm on my WPN shit. It's a white people in shirts. I just got health insurance. I did, I had you, 'cause now I gotta start going to the doctor.

I was against going to the doctor because my uncle told me at a young age. He was like, "The emergency room is free." Right? We live based on that. And then after I went to college, I just started using my uh, student loan debt.

Because they won't let you die if you own student loans.

“'Cause student loans is the only thing that you can only pay with by dying.”

Like you can't do like bankruptcy. So like I would use that to my bit. Y'all remember when the cops was real mad at black people? And it was scary, right? Everybody was scared, but not me. Every time I got pulled over, I would roll down the window and I'd be like, "I owe $40,000 to selling me."

Hey! And then the cops be like, "Ah, all right, I was going to shoot this shit out of you." And they got it. Even when you go to the hospital, if you want to get to the front of the line, you gotta go tell them niggas you got to student loan debt.

I don't care what's wrong. You're gonna have a car door stuck in the middle of your chest. It is actively giving you AIDS for some reason. Niggas you get solved. Like you get niggas you come in there. You like I got a hundred and twenty thousand dollars in student loan debt with the ethics of philosophy degree.

Niggas, Dr. House, Dr. Mario, the niggas from Grey's Anatomy scrubs. So up, y'all know this, didn't know niggas die from COVID to hands through the loan debt. That's my time, I lay out. Jesus Christ, God damn it, He's done it yet again. You just gotta learn to love it, people.

Two or three massive huge applause breaks. Only Ari got that with brand new material from a fucking huge vacation. Dedrick, you are a fucking pro dude.

I'm not playing a fucking game this year.

The premise of a rookie year, AVP. I've got co-spel pellet check over here and white dad.

It's just incredible. You're, you're knack for fucking amazing premises.

Is what I just absolutely love. Not letting people die if they owe money. It's amazing. It's incredible.

“Honestly, if you think about it, don't you?”

All these people that's on like ICU, like on the core, like brain dead. If you just go whisper how much they're niggas. It's like causes, sir, you're at 180,000. Niggas, that niggas just get up. Like, you know what I'm saying?

I feel like if we just go tell these niggas they run in the middle of them. They was like, put a plug, I'll walk niggas, I don't. Amazing. You had amazing jokes that I think when over people's heads, WPN white people ensures unbelievable.

I went to, I whispered in red bands here. Fucking insurance. Unbelievable. I mean, it's just amazing. You're hitting from every angle. You're absolutely crushing.

Ari, this is one of your first, this has to be your first time seeing dead. Oh, I don't know what it was. I mean, I love, obviously, I love the teeth. Thank you. I mean, it's just, just pricing it out as I watched you.

So, but you were able to overcome that. And I can hear you material. I was doing that in the background while I was listening to you. Which is great. Black debt matters.

Yep. No doubt about it. You're bald. I think, guys. Sorry, I thought of a bitch.

“You should have kept that homeless gemera quiet hat on you.”

And he wouldn't have had anything on you. He came out looking like a homeless gand off the white. [LAUGHTER] Who fired shot away? Shot away.

Fall 10 for a separate day. [LAUGHTER] Fuck you, nigga. I love you. Don't please don't give me any of me.

I'm too hyped. It was great, buddy. I love it.

And this is, you guys never seen dead.

No, first time. Hey, son, I've seen the clips. He's a fucking stone cold dealer. The same person. He's fucking crazy.

You with the lob him on are you garbage. I think he is from real Atlanta. The kid has fucking stories. And he looks so classy. What do you talk about?

Yeah. It's just a kill. Tony, money now. Let me tell you. I did see his first clip.

He was just to you, shit. Yeah, what? He's got, he really is. The gold chains, the gold teeth. He's got the earrings.

“But my favorite thing is what's cooler than a black eye.”

And a brand of mental cigarettes that aren't even in business anymore. He put the ball cap. Say that. My uncle got this in the 90s because he's sitting in a bunch of empty cartons. He said he said he's 72.

It is the same. Uncle, I used to steal the pot hole covers in Indianapolis and go sell him into Troy. That's the recycling. [ Laughter ] Hey, entrepreneur.

That is actually a real garbage car. That is an RG garbage car. I was going to say, I ever cashed anything at off far. Rob points. [ Laughter ]

The first questions we ever came up with. You guys might be your first ever like 10-part documentary series, Are You Garbage. Dedric is a machine. You did it again tonight. It is a home room.

You haven't been a regular all that long. And I've been throwing you these closing positions and hyping you up on the intro.

And you never fucking dodge a bullet.

You always go with the wind. This is incredible to see. This is my shit. I fucking love doing this shit. I love it, I'll kill Tony.

I love falling by a tree. I love fucking ass. I love fucking beer here. I love raping. I love Tony.

He madness. We got a piece, nigga. I've been waiting to get it. This is blind, nigga. This blind nigga been on my ass all day.

Because that golden shit. The other blind nigga you get, Chris. Yeah. Well, then nigga, be me and pool yesterday. Don't talk about this thing, be me and pool.

Because that nigga's can see with their ears. I just think it's not. And he had Jay, legend. Back of his and the nigga the whole time. Fucking everybody.

Then nigga, be me and pool. Then his blind nigga. I guess heard it through the blind. Great fine. I have it up, nigga.

Dedric, Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. The unstoppable force. The future has arrived. Learn to love it. It's the dark storm of Austin, Texas.

Dedric. Mother fucking Flynn. What a goddamn show we at tonight. Ari. Oh, fuck, fuck.

Brought to you by Shopify. And, quote, Ari, plug the release one more time. It comes out. This is. This is great.

Hold on. It's called the end. It's a new version of whatever storytelling show you know. It's got. It's available.

April 16th.

The pre sails available right now.

Why am I just two deals calm?

Tom Segura is producing it. It's got Tony Hitches. Helping an episode. Roy Wood, Shane Gillis. Nate Bargazzi, Tom Segura.

Chris the Stefano. Mark Norman, Joe List. On and on and on and on and on. Tony is headlining. Probably the best.

Best episode. We have four stories about trying to come. Thank you, buddy. And it's a real.

You know, Ari's been my big brother in this shit for about two decades.

And you really did put a lot of fucking effort into this thing. And it's awesome. And you just heard the names on it. One more time for Ari Schiffier. Surprising the dog shit out of us tonight.

Jeff.

“And how about one more time for the are you garbage guys?”

Are you garbage.com back on the block for Kevin Ryan and each fully. Three of my favorite human beings here. Thank you. Welcome so much fun on a random Monday. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there.

Little Timmy no breaks. Gonna be for sale in the lobby with all that cool kilt Tony merch.

Killmerch.com for an amazing new plethora of things.

Including our new WWE merch. And which of course we will be in Las Vegas. April. Yeah, right after the Saturday night of WrestleMania that is indeed. April 18th.

In Vegas, a WWE kilt Tony crossover episode. And it's, yes, completely crazy. It's my dreams coming true. And May 7th, we are at the Intuit dome.

“Doing need a little largest attended audience for a kilt Tony effort.”

Bigger than the O2 Arena. Bigger than Madison Square Garden. Our return to Los Angeles where we started this thing. 13 years ago in front of 17 people. Maybe less.

Tony, can I just say that people I was hustling around the fucking world. And a lot of people mentioned the special thanks to your goddamn Netflix shows. Yeah. Every time. Fuck you.

[ Laughter ] The special thanks to Ari Schiffier for nothing. Right? What is it saying again? I was a lot in there.

“It could look at the credits and Tony shows you made it that far.”

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're a con. It's fun. We have a lot of fun running jokes, me and Ari.

One more time for Ari Schiffier, Red Band. Check out my new music video. You know me, cap-red music on YouTube. Capred 7 on Spotify and on. That's right.

A lot of other huge announcements happening. Very, very soon. And that's about it. So we love you guys. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you. Good night, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Music ] [ Music ] [ Music ]

[ Music ] [ Music ] [ Music ]

#762 - ARI SHAFFIR + KEVIN RYAN + H. FOLEY

Transcript

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network.

You guys have done the show numerous times before.

Who better to have on the panel than the RU garbage guys?

It looks really efficient.

No.

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

The one it is.

Pied them.

You're the best player in your team.

No.

What a leisurely way to be a problem for the world.

There we go.

It's a fresh one.

The Israelis are bombing.

It's just like fucking kill-tony madlid.

I call off that.

Oh, good chip.

Get a screenshot of that and send it back to Istanbul.

Orhun's been famous for three weeks.

I kind of just ended for me recently.

Nate.

I got an interview tomorrow though.

Uh, I fucked a celebrity.

If I was bombing straight, I could be up there for 30, I think.

I'm not playing a fucking game this year.

The pre sails available right now.

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