#763 - JEFF ROSS

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“Who's running for the best fucking night of their lives?”

[Music] Oh my goodness, how excited how we fucking feel in a night high? You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought you by Shopify to Copa's and Zippercruder, oh my God, it feels good to hear about one more time for the best damn banal land everybody.

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define your brand is you. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Wow, every single week I book it, you've seen it before, sometimes it's three guests, sometimes it's two and then every once in a while you're on a night here on a night where it's so magical that I have won guests that I love so much that our chemistry is so

good where we roll with one. This is one of those nights, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you not only one of my favorite

a genius who, right now, his new special, take a banana for the ride, his on Netflix,

“came out and you will see him on the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10, ladies and gentlemen,”

my mentor and one of my best friends, the great roast master general, Jeffrey Roe. And he is ready to unleash the flame throwing power of another roast, May 10th, the roast of Kevin Hart. It's going to be the best, it's going to be the greatest roast ever. It really is.

I don't know if Tony will ever be able to top his last set, but you are the Nikki Glazer of Austin, that is the harshest roast joke I've ever had told to me by the way, that's exciting. Just going to take that one and absorb it. Best jokes, the most unattractive front row I've ever had, fucking ice truckers over here.

Welcome, welcome. It is a wild looking crowd, this guy looks like he plays the organ in a vape store, this fucking guy. It's absolutely incredible, it's guy right here. Yeah, look at him, good.

He looks like he sharpens his head, the look is this guy guy. He's incredible, the human dildo in the front row. It is amazing.

Like your head should be part of a car wash, the bristles, it is always looking big.

He asks his guy goes in and asks his barber for the felt tip, it can I have an old paintbrush please. That's nice, your poor name is used to paintbrush. We're going to have fun tonight, Jeff, you've done the show so many times, you were with us in the belly room when barely anybody knew about the show.

He used to let me leave the writer's rooms early on Monday, the rest of the writers used to make fun of me going, what is a stupid pot? You think you get to leave at 7 p.m. to do the some stupid fucking thing, they would bust my balls about it. Right, memory.

“Oh, yeah, you remember it when Tony would have to leave to go do kiltony.”

Yeah, yeah, and they all thought I was just trying to flake out a work early on Mondays. And in the belly room, there were like 80 people in the room and then another 80 watching on YouTube. Exactly. Exactly.

So you know how it works, we've done it all the way from the belly room at the comedy store to Madison Square Garden over 200 human beings signed up. They are packed like sardines and it dilapidated bar next door. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. Another time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, and I'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which literally interrupts them, and then I conduct an interview, and they get feedback, and take questions from me, and the roast master general Jeffrey Ross. Anything can happen.

The whole thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? We're going to start with the banging ladies and gentlemen. I have one of the best golden ticket winners of all time, maybe the goat golden ticket winner.

To get tonight's show started, the automatic machine ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Martin Phillips everybody. What's up, what's going on? I flew with my dog, and he was freaking out, I was like man, and chill, I had even high-checked the plane, and I heard, you're blowing my cover, and I'm going to get a new dog, look at a drug dog,

and use it for good, and I'm not saying, yeah, it's fine now, we're at the part, he's okay, I see these wrapped out his function, medicine coverage holds it, all is the guy

“working on his farm, or fixing his drug, it's like, yeah, that's what I need the boulder when”

I had shit to do, you know, when I was out loud, it's okay, okay, okay, okay, the great Martin

Phillips is exactly 59 seconds, oh yeah, I did it, thunder and lightning as always, that's

know, it's a tell, it's perfect, I don't always travel with him, but every now and then I pray

“it's like a short trip, so anyway, usually I drug him, they'll fuck out, how do you do that?”

Oh, well, he gets a cocktail of gallop, a pen pen, and a trap was on, and it works, it works. Wow, you know, you like break this up, you're just a special, you're just the old trusty pharmacist over here, I mean, that totally, yeah, I did, I didn't know how to research, I had him, he snorts it, right? Yeah, I had to shove it in his fucking nose, I don't know, how long have you had this dog for? Most of the handicapped, most people with a condition of any kind,

if they have a service dog, they're taking that thing around everywhere they throw them around with them honestly, I find a kind of annoying with my handicapped friends, you I didn't even know you had a dog at all, you were that bird, the dog I got, I was fed, you made jokes about it dying. I mean, what if these are shit, you were, I mean, that happened. Don't worry, I died in the grief, you did not happen. Luckily, the dog was just tripping out on

fucking hotels or whatever. Yeah, it was, it was chilling, but I usually, you know, he's just, you know, the hides, but, you know, what kind of dog is it? He's like, oh, she's like a spider, he's, you know, and it's legs, everything's operational, or you guys, like, twin. We don't have that, we don't have that

“but I can call that, we're pretty, yeah, I think. You guys don't grip walk together through the airport.”

These kind of blinds, oh, oh, he's got a little bit there, I love it, de-manus laughing at your blind dog, you got to love it. You got to love it, you got to love it. Does it wear wacky, light up glasses? Like, he does. It looks just like, I love it. I love it, but yeah, anyway, so, I usually, he's, you know, it was sweet, you better than stuff, and then we were on the plane, and we're someone who he's said, he's starting to like freak out out there, so I don't know what was that, but then

he's starting to get out of the carrier, but I called him to out on the drugs head, that it's two minutes later, I have like a hoodie on, I looked up my sleeve, I was like, is this shit? Can't take it out, he took a shit. In the carrier, during the flight, during the fight with you. Well, flattie talk. Oh, okay, I thought you guys had no a fight trying to keep him in the carrier.

“Yeah, because you were shady, and that's why we were fighting it. Yeah, you did a little”

terrorist. I know, and no insanity thing, but I'm sure, they're all like, and I feel like, I think this guy shouldn't. You didn't smell it at all, so if I, if I lean down, I could smell that. I definitely was like, oh, but there's nothing we could do. When airline was this delta, okay, normally you can pick up a cent on delta,

south west, you, and it always smells like dog shit. Yeah, so people thought it was a

downgrade of the cent in the south west, but delta, that's interesting. Yeah, are you in rew and business class or normal? I think I was with Nora. We went the back, so cool. Check those down like there. That's right, literally. Yeah, he lived up to the shit. So that's incredible. So you had it on your hoodie. Yeah, I had you a little bit insecure after that. Was anybody setting next to you? Luckily, there was nobody next to it.

Amazing. That would have been great if it was like an Indian guy or something, and you got this guy over here. Yeah, I got it. Did you turn it inside out? Well, a good question. Shit master Brian Redbath. Still the master of having poop on him, everybody. Oh, I've seen your poop course bond and Brian Redbath with the tough questions. I just roll out the city. Roll it up. So amazing. Well, I did what that is. So amazing.

Jeff, is this your first time seeing Martin? I've seen Martin before. Never this close.

Does your dog, maybe your dog think you're wet all the time? Oh, you don't like it. He's always like shaking like the way dog shake when they're wet. Oh, he's right. Anyway, how much money have we raised so far? Hey, you know, you're good. Such a pleasure to be here for searching,

Yeah. It's extra funny because I'm healthy. I just had my chemo port taken out a week ago. I got the scar right here. Yeah. I love you for that joke. Okay. It's very, very, very everyone is healthy as I've ever been.

“Well, I think Bruce Willis, if his trainer also had dementia.”

So how's my hair? Is my hair okay? Martin Phillips, what a way to start the show. You are unbelievable. The automatic party starter. Martin Phillips is done it again, ladies and gentlemen. And now to the bucket we go, you guys know how this goes. It could be in saying curves and trying it for the first time. It could be the future of comedy that's been signing up for two years in a row and waiting to get pulled and it has an appetite to be anything

in between. We're going to find out all together. Your first bucket full of the night goes by the name of Aaron's spoiler, everybody. Yeah. We have to burn.

How are you guys doing? Oh, yeah. So I've never lived in a city before. I've always

been like a small town kind of guy, just real simple, easy going like normal shit. When I saw something living on the side of the road, it'd just be a little animal, some cute fuzzy. And now here, I just got all these homeless people. When I first moved, you're like, I felt bad for them. You're giving them a dollar to do what you can. But I saw this one guy that just ruined it all for everybody. He was holding his sign that said cancer can't work. How are you going to use your

zodiac sign as an excuse to be in homeless? You're not out here because you're born in July, dude. That's insane. I'm working three jobs struggling to feed myself and you're sitting on the hooves, born in July. Can you help me? Like, no, fuck you, dude. If I try to look for the bright side and everything, I really do. And with having the homeless

“people here, I think I finally found it. It's like, if you're out here on sixth street and anybody”

starts like shooting, let me start blasting. We got a lot of meat shields we can use. I'm grabbing the guy in the wheelchair. I'm trying to straighten it out. And we're going to be the heroes of the day, man. But I'm just fucking with you. All right, there it is. I'm pleased a lot of time of Aaron's faller. Welcome to the show, Aaron. How are you? I'm doing good. Are you

sure first time on the show? No, third. Okay. All right, well, you're looks always changing.

Today, you look like a full-grown, chucky doll. So, it's very exciting. How long have you been doing stand-up? May will be three years. Okay, all of it here in Austin, Texas? I did nine months and Michigan to start, then moved here. Okay, awesome. And we're winded exactly. Did you get the overalls? Christmas. Christmas? You got him for yourself? No, my mom, man. Your mom got those for you? Yeah. That's adorable. I didn't realize they made overalls for six foot four.

Crackheads or whatever you are. It's easier to get overalls that for me than goddamn jeans, man. And they're cheaper. The overalls are cheaper than jeans. Yeah, isn't that an incredible fun fact? All that extra fabric. But I guess when nobody wants them, it kind of makes sense. It's kind of supply and demand or something like the cigarettes, hundreds when they cost the same. Yeah, do you look at what you're doing? It's a really great point. Our senior cigarette correspondent, Brian

Redspan, full of cigarette analogies. Aaron, what do you do for work? I do valet during the day.

You do valet. Yeah, mostly tractors. John Deer. Amazing. Aaron, how long have you been

“valeting for? A year and three or four months, I think? What's craziest thing you've seen valeting?”

Craziest than or anything. Come on, there's got to be something wacky. I know you're trying to keep your job, but you've got to go. Oh, there's something sitting on the passenger seat. Just a lot of go. She'd eat dog and a carrier perhaps or something like that. No, somebody has left their kid in the back seat and it was like, oh, shit, like baby baby. Like I started driving off and how much did you get for it? Not enough. I'm still working there.

I noticed that you called it a baby baby. That means like it's like an extremely young child in a care. I spent six months. Yeah, like it's not. Yeah. Wow. How far did you make it until you

Both. Oh, my God. Is the family, man? Holy shit. It was weird. Wow. And how did they react?

Did you you drove? Did you realize before leaving the car or did someone call you? Yeah, so no, every now and then somebody leaves the car, something in the car, and there's the bike lane. So you got to like watch that mirror real heavy. Look in the mirror for the bike and I just see the parents like oh shit. Oh, I'm like, what's going on? And then you hear the, I'm like, oh, yeah, extra crazy because they had to hand you the keys or something, right? Exactly. And you look like the

last guy. Anyone would want to leave their little baby wet. Luckily you guys were dressed the same.

So it was perfect. Stop absolutely incredible. Probably where the same brand diapers, too.

Aaron, what do you do for fun? What do you do for fun? Mainly like hunting, golfing, working on cars, going fast. What do you hunt for? I've done deer pretty much my whole life. So I was born raised in Michigan. That's pretty much all that's there. Deer, ducks, squirrels,

“simple shit, what else? Do you play music or anything? Why do you look like that?”

I don't have an answer for that. It's just free will. Yeah. Don't like going to get haircuts. Haven't had it in like six years. I just go for as easy as possible. Like, I hate putting, I tell us what else you do in life and which you're going for easiest possible. You have one ply toilet paper. Jeff, where are you going to ask? Joe Criting. That's not sure. It was so quiet during your set. I could hear the guy painting.

What other shortcuts in life do you take? You don't get haircuts. Come on. There must be more. How often do you do your laundry? Oh shit. Once every other week? Okay. Yeah, I just have like all like those packed t-shirts. So they all look the exact same. You don't have to try it all. Give us another example though. I kind of gave you that one. Give us another example of a short cut in life. You know what it is. See some people they get pulled out of the bucket and doing

this interview part. They don't want to, you know, they don't want to give us anything good to work with.

They want to look cool. So they can show our future girlfriends. They're amazing appearance on

“Kill Tony. We might as well get that out of the way. So like what is it?”

A shortcut. I don't wear boxers ever. Wow. So there's just nothing going on underneath there. So those are the true overall. Yeah, six years. Yeah. Oh my god. What do you say? What do you say six years? Yeah, I haven't had boxes in six years. Wow. They're set here. Cut and how long? Six years. What happens to you? You're crack in the case. Turns out this guy got raped by his barber six years ago. What happened six years ago?

So it was the pandemic. I just gave up. Oh, okay. I mean nothing like serious. I didn't get it. Did it. Oh, there. I was living with my mom. Life was easy. I don't know. Live it with your mom. Just free ballin. Yeah. Wow. And she's like, here's some overalls.

“Cover that shit up. Wow. That's incredible. What's your living situation like?”

Three roommates. Three roommates. How many bedrooms? Four. How many bathrooms? Four. Wow. Look at you. That's really shocking. Yeah. We have our own bathroom, own shower, own shitter. Wow. Yeah. But y'all share the same pair. Oh. Aaron tonight was my turn. It's my night out. Aaron spoiler anything else. Absolutely crazy about your life. We should know about before letting you go. Hmm. I mean, I crashed a tree going 90 miles an hour.

You crashed. You were driving a tree. Yeah, dude. I mean, yeah. Like a, yeah. No, in a car, into a tree. Yeah. Wow. Oh. Okay. Can I take a guess that this was six years ago? No. It was that would make sense. But no, that was 2016 or 17. Wow. And where this was in Michigan? Oh, yeah. And why were you going 90 miles an hour? Because I had this job where I was like, I was their part, I was an auto shop and I was their parts bitch. So I had to have to run around and

pick stuff up. And I got too high. And I missed all my turns. And they were on the phone just screaming at me. Like, you got seven minutes. If you don't pick this up, you're fired. Yada, Yada. I was on a dirt road and

there. So I just, there's either kill her or the tree. Right. You decided, you decided to kill the tree.

“Yeah. Amazing. Let me ask you this. Did you end up getting fired from that job immediately?”

No. Wow. So they were going to fire you for being late, but running into a tree saved you.

Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. That seems like the story or was it fair and smaller? It's something.

There you go. Well, here's a little joke, but buddy. I don't want. I almost made it into multiple pockets there. There you go. There in smaller. This is the bucket portion of the show. Very clearly. And here we go. We're going to keep it moving. And here we go. We're going to keep it moving. And here we go. And here we go. We're going to keep it moving. And here we go. We're going to keep it moving. And here we go. And here we go. We're going to keep it moving. And here we go. And here we go. We're going to keep it moving. And here we go.

Lovely. Heidi. Everybody has made it to the show. The one and only watch her show. Love on the line. See it all. Look high up to your health. To Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, watch take a banana for the ride out now on Netflix. Thank you, Tom. Thank you for coming to opening night.

“Everything. It was awesome. It was so cool. So cool. I found a cool picture of it. Spectate. Yeah. That's the best.”

You guys have to watch it. It's a heartfelt and hilarious one-man show. By the way, I tried it out. In this room, like three years ago. Oh, yeah. I did some run-throughs a couple years ago with some people earlier told me they were here. So, yeah, it's kind of a full circle moment. I love it. That love it. We're all the one at. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by prize picks. The playoff pushes heating up in tournament hoops are here. Every bucket, every dime and every win means more when you're playing on prize picks. And with their brand-new team picks markets,

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Let me interrupt your podcast to pitch you on another podcast. I'm Wu Tak, one of the hosts of above the influence show, the evolution of the notorious, under the influence show, and to put it simply, we are three guys at very different stages of life, navigating self-improvement, and sharing it with you in real time in ways that you can laugh at. Me, Wu Tak, I'm 30, and a college dropout. Juvenile the link went turn CEO of Superbanzai,

an eight-figure year supplement brand, as well as a social media personality with millions of followers across platforms. I am Vitt Trap, I am 26 years old, unemployed influencer who at viral for his mug shop back in 2020, and is adapting to regular life from his traumatic

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“What is up, Austin? I'm an older broad, you know, it's kind of obvious a little bit, right?”

And every day, though, I'm reminded of it, the other day, I was driving down the road, and I saw a car swirving. It's broad daylight, and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Also, and I see the passenger, I can't bend over too far, sorry. Pop up and do this number, and I was like, "Oh, fucking roadhead, dude. How you used to do that?" You know, before I went to therapy and realized my dad does love me. He just doesn't know how to show it.

What else? Ladies, Teddy fucking. Are you in your 30s still doing that?

Maybe I'll use my mouth if you're lucky. What else? Getting calmed in the face. That's not a facial, guys.

“It's not. I know in your time, probably. But what else? Why does it always smell like bleach?”

I'm waiting. Nobody's been able to dispel that, necessary. But the one thing I know

that never changes as I get older is the shame I feel after coming in the shower by myself.

My names are Vanessa Skidudo. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Vanessa Skidudo. Welcome, Vanessa. What's up? How long have you been doing stand-up, Vanessa? I honestly didn't think I'd be doing it this long, so like seven plus years. I don't have an anniversary. Okay. Yeah, no, right. That's a story in my life too. Where have you been doing stand-up at? What hospice have you been doing? Jacksonville Florida, believe it or not?

Oh, okay. Alright, get up before the comics. Fuck you, guys. We are fucking. We're the shit. They don't know what you guys are talking about. Winning over the crowd with a classic fuck you guys. Yeah, I know. Really turning around the moment. Sorry about that. Sorry about that, sorry.

“So you've been doing it seven plus years. Do you get on stage a lot?”

I haven't in the last four weeks, actually. I just moved to Austin. Oh, congrats. What made you moved to Austin, Texas? Actually, I came here for my spiritual group. I didn't come here for comedy, believe it.

You're in the cult. Let's talk about it. Amazing. Tell us about this spiritual group. Yes,

do you were right? I knew you were going to just like your parents and your siblings that told you. But yeah, it's it's really just a community. It's not like we have it. Ooh, we. It sounds like they are weeks away from a mask to what side ladies have done. It's just a community, everybody. It's just spiritual. We just fall where the same outfits. At least there's a record of this, right? If something happens.

No, I mean, it's literally, you guys may have even heard my mentor her name said, or Reeves, she's been on the night owl podcast. Okay, Lana, Sam, drop the button. Can you explain to us what it is? It's, it's basically just a community of different practitioners, of different things. We just support each other and we develop our intuition. What type of practitioner do you do?

What's your specialty? I can do a lot of things. I can do medium work. I can do, uh... Ooh. Oh, this is exciting. What type of? I can do helium. We also do medium comedy. Do it wrong, sir. Do it wrong. Okay, we can do it wrong. I love it. The great bumping mics. What are you the tennis coach for those? No, I honestly didn't know I was going to be here tonight. That happens. The risk we take signing up for a show.

To just sign up. There you go. Who drank you? Your master at the spiritual group?

“My buddy. You should have known you were getting pulled being a medium in all.”

You didn't feel like in your own state. I told him I was going to get called. I did.

Amazing. Amazing. How are you? Amazing. How are you psychics always?

I know. No, right. Don't we always. Amazing. I didn't know. I mean, I totally knew. But I didn't know. Oh, shit. That's the first. That's the first. You can't make fun of it. You see that Tony. It's the correct one. I'm on my hand into a bucket of paper. I'm done making fun of you. You are an angel. I'm joining the spiritual group.

I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Holy shit. This show is on fire. I just want to tell you guys every one of you guys have abilities. That's it. I'm going to put that out there. All of you guys do. Okay. So what kind of let's let's flex this medium work right now? Because we never get to do anything like that. How it's done, but okay, I'll try.

She's real master improviser. You. I'm not. Actually, that's I can't stand improv. So that's my fault. Okay. I know. Sorry, but it's. You're crushing it, right? Great. Appreciate you. Everything is okay. So why don't you do some medium work for us? What can you tell us about anything in this room? Do you feel any energies? Can you give me a spotlight? John D's. Give me a little medium music.

Medium music. John, here we go. I will tell you there is something in the alley. And I think it's some of your dormant have seen something movement in the back. Okay. Ask them. Okay. What on? No sound effects during this. Ask them. It would mean ask them if you seen movement in the alley.

The dormant have probably seen movement, like shadows and shit in the back alley area. You felt a presence in the alleyway. Well, it's not necessarily a presence. It could just be residue like energy. Absolutely. There's a lot of energies in the alleyway. Let's talk about inside this routine. I was just thinking with me again, John D's. Give me fucking media music. The fuck is going on here. These are you awake?

You put my keyboard player to sleep with your powers by super stoned fucking keyboard player. You made it fall asleep. That's incredible. I'm sorry if I'm flashing my

All right. Here we go. Media work with Vanessa. Good to do to tell us something. You feel anything from the energies out here in the audience. I know they look very unhappy right now. It looks like.

No, I don't, I don't really sense anything. Okay, great. Well, amazing. Can you explain to us something

that you've done before medium-wise in which it was a breakthrough in which everyone was like, wow, you're so powerful. I mean, I have a daughter. Oh my god. I mean, I mean,

“pushing a child out of your Gucci's pretty powerful. How about the medium stuff?”

I mean, I saw her before she was born. I knew what she was going to look like. I don't know what else to tell you. Did she have brown hair and brown? No, no. No. You saw blonde child. No, she did not. It came out looking like, it came out looking like Jeffery Ross. Exactly. That was a little more spiced. But yes, her nose was a little more spiced when she came out.

Okay. Why was there no spiced from here with the china? Well, yeah, I have a, I guess I had a

tight womb. So you're trying to push it. See, now that is something I wouldn't know. I would have guessed that medium is an extra large. Well, I had her at a very young age. I had her at a very young age. Okay. So my daughter's in her 20s now. Okay. Cool. Yeah. All right. Other than mediuming for the spiritual group, is there anything else before I let you go Vanessa? For the spiritual group? Do you have any special powers or anything? Well, yeah. A lot of them, we can do healings and stuff.

“You can do healings and stuff. You can do healings and stuff. What? What did you heal before exactly?”

Like, if somebody, I know, this is, dude, I knew I shouldn't have brought this shit up. No, it's good. Vanessa, this is so entertaining. The last guys, the ballet guy that wanted to look cool and gave us nothing to work with. You're killing the interview part. Yeah, I'm sorry. You can heal almost anything. So it depends. Sometimes you can see, well, okay. I would have to go into a lesson. Like, we have Oras and shit. You can see when people's Oras are broken, you can clear them for them,

and you can remove certain energies. I mean, yeah, I don't know. I mean, okay. Yeah. But if you ever, is there anything you can cite something that you've done? Like, have you ever, like, was there ever, like, a person? Yeah, my friend Scarlett, I helped heal her. She's an artist here too, and all sent in if you guys want to check her. Like, fear it was broke. You're just kidding. She had, she had a pain. She had a pain on her back, and I removed the pain from her back. Oh, my goodness. So you can do that.

I mean, but you guys can do it for yourselves, too. Wow. I love that. Well, you all, or medium,

“set up the power to the heal. You, you, you do. You are divine beings. Remember that. Don't let the”

shit fly into. You do it. I love it. Absolutely. It's Vanessa. Love you, Tony. I love you. You're, nutty is how I love it. There she goes. Vanessa, she's gonna do it. Very cool. Vanessa, you're divine being. Yeah. You're divine. Thank you. Thank you, Vanessa. We love all different shapes and sizes, and she was vulnerable. She, yeah, if she was, yeah. Like I said, I love it. That's why I, I say it, so that the people watching this show that want to sign up at some point are good during the

interview part. All right. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Michael Heinz. Everybody put your hands together for Michael. I got cheated on by a native American girl. She was a Navajo. I've been getting a lot of Andrew Tate, Alpha male content in my feed lately, so the algorithm hasn't figured me out, just because I hate liberal. Doesn't mean I like conservative ones. And it's because they'll make one video making from some dorks pronouns, but then the next one,

they call themselves, it'll make a Sigma Alpha male. And those are just pronouns for fat dudes, which is fucking gay. AI scammers and Indian scammers have both been evolving at a break neck paste to compete. It's a real space race to see who can act human first. And it's impressive. The Indians are keeping up with the digital work, because they're fighting a physical war of Pakistan, World War Poo, or familiar. It's hope it doesn't go pucular.

You know, every trans woman I've ever met has been mentally ill. So maybe they are women. My call mine. My behind's with a strong dismount.

Yes, sir. I love it. You've been on this show before I remember you, Michael always funny.

Yes, sir. What have we talked about in your other interviews? Last time we talked about me sleeping with a torta at the Narbar.

Yeah, torta. You don't know about this. The sandwich. What a way it is. It's also a very thick latina girl.

“Oh, torta. Very thick. Got it. Heck yeah. Has that happened again since the last time?”

No, things have been bad. I need to find a new apartment that won't let me sign my lease again. Oh, tell us about that. Well, my downstairs neighbor called that cops. I mean, over 200 times in the last year for smoking weed. Wow. It came 200 times. To the leasing office apparently we'd legal for now. So, ah, very injured. But they won't let me stand. Wow. Do you ever run into this neighbor? Do you ever see them physically? Oh, yeah. All the time. Yeah. What are they? Do they? Are they

mean deal? Uh, she used to yell at me a lot, but now I think the apartment told us we're not allowed to talk to each other. Oh, great. You love it. Oh, yeah. It's nice and quiet now. You smoke indoors. You don't have a patio or anything. Oh, no. I blow it outside. You say you smoke indoors and you blow it outside. Yeah. You know, they're not letting me sign my lease anyway. So, why does well? Yeah.

“You like blowing out of a window? Mostly. So, wind is your place up. Uh, 69 days from today. I'm counting.”

Wow. Okay. And what are you going to do? Have you been looking? I've been looking, but I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm like $18,000 in credit card debt, so maybe go back to New Jersey for a little while. Wow. And how would you, how would you save up money in New Jersey, exactly? What would be the plan be there? Uh, I live near a vacation spot. So, in the summertime, I'd work there for a little bit, grind it out, and then probably you know,

work in New Jersey. Uh, well, nothing. I live in Texas. So, the spot in New Jersey, where is next to a vacation spot that's here? Uh, what are you in New Jersey? It's in New Jersey. So, what, you just said you would go there, working right now? I borrow some time. Oh, you have no idea. I don't want to. I'm trying to make me look like an asshole. I was dialed in the internet.

“I have no idea what I'm going to do. You have no idea. You have to get exactly $18,000 in debt.”

You're a guy that knows that you have 69 days left on your lease. I'm guessing you're spot on

18,000 and some change. Yeah, I had a DUI. Oh. Wow. Tell us about that. Uh, it was when I first

came out of the Marine Corps like three years ago, but since the pandemic, they didn't do my trial for like two years. And then while I was living here doing comedy, I got hit with like $12,000 in bills, and now there's interest in bullshit. So, it's been like another two years. Well, $12,000. Where was the DUI ad in Jersey? Yeah, New Jersey. Uh, what part of New Jersey? Exactly. Jeffrey Ross is our senior New Jersey correspondent. You won't be silent.

Oh, man. I don't want a jail. Jersey Jersey. That's Jersey, Jersey. Oh, yeah. I knew the cops that arrested me, so I thought I was going to get away with that. How do you know? I used to be an MMA instructor, and they were students in the class. I did a couple things in this interview that's boggling my mind. It's the fact that you were both a Marine and an MMA instructor. I used to be in good shape. I've gained 35 pounds since I started

doing comedy. Uh, shout out. Wow. Amazing. Tell us how you gained the weight exactly. Mostly eating

at night, and this is a sad thing to do, man. When you're not on the other side of the microphone, it's this is a sad place to be a lot of the time. I don't know if you see, but red bands also on the other side of them. He's also put on 35 pounds on the last three months. It seems like all your problems actually stem from smoking weed, by the way. It was an alcohol DUI. No, I mean, from the weight and your neighbors, your apartment, your. That's probably true. How much did you drink the night

of your DUI? Did you hit something or just... No, they just pulled me over because it was 11 o'clock on a Saturday in the summertime and Long Beach Island, and it's a beach town. Are my makeup and how did the cop know you again? Uh, I was an MMA instructor in the class used to talk to him. Well, I mostly talk to the kids, but I helped out during the adult classes.

And I used to joke. You could never arrest me if you wanted to because I could beat him up,

and turns out he could arrest me. Wow. He got me. Did you say anything to him when it was going down? Yeah, you know, I tried to do my best. They put my net, they're nail my neck, but you didn't see me complaining, but they were scumbags because once they were trying to book me as fast as they scan because they said we got to get out there and get more people. They were fucking pieces of shit. Well, no, you could have killed somebody. Well, it was just below the legal limit,

or just above rather, it was right there. So I was, we kind of should be allowed. Right. I see. It's an arbitrary number. That's close to it. But you were smoking weed that night as well.

So you could blow it in the neighbor's vent. That is true. Yeah. All right, Michael Heinz. Anything else crazy? We should know about before I get you out of here? No, not really. Perfect. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this will come on up. It was what people dedicated of their lives to be comedians. This fucking guy was in a, in shape MMA instructor. Probably got tons of, you know, chicks and had a great life, but you're like, I have to

express my soul ponds. Yeah, no. Come on. At least give me a big joke, fuck. I did well. Did you get one last time? Yeah, but I wrote it and I write all the time. You filled it up? Yeah, did you hear how much I write? All right, geez. Let's hear you go. This guy's going to sell it. Find that joke book on eBay in a couple of weeks. It's got 18 grand in debt. Handmade joke books by the great bones I available at killmerch.com.

Howdy. Cal Folk. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy. Bring you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime anywhere. It's easy to get started. You can easily sign up online and get paired with all licensed providers, typically within 48 hours. You can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home and you can even talk it up

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order to support the show, please enjoy responsibly and big thanks to Indecloud for supporting your 420 coded comedy nights. Please enjoy responsibly. All right, another book and pull. Put your hands together for Katie Carter, everybody. Katie Carter. I got groomed when I was in high school,

groomed, not molested because I've never been much of a closer. So I told a comic this recently.

He was like, "Oh, was the guy like a real pedophile or did you just like develop early?" Yeah, that's like saying, "Was the guy a real pedophile or were you like a really sexy kid?" And I was. So you guys, Katie. I read a statistic that 20% of pedophiles have erectile dysfunction which is crazy to imagine being a pedophile and working so hard all day to get a kid to come into

“your band. And then you finally do and you have to be like, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry this never happens to me."”

Please don't tell your parents about this part specifically. They should be humiliating. And the kid has to console you. He's like, "No, this is probably because you had too much of the Eucharist or whatever, so." Fuck yeah, right on the money. Exactly a minute from Katie Carter. Welcome to the Show Katie. How long have you been on stand up? Cheers. We're at Denver. Nice. You still live there?

Nope, just moved here. Sweet. How long ago?

Like three months. Awesome. Absolutely incredible. Do you have it like a day job or something?

There's like dumb chickship. Just nice. Not only fans, I have like a marketing job, but it's boring. It's comedy is the real goal. Okay. Yeah. Very cool. And you get on stage a lot around us and there's a lot of stuff.

like for hobbies and stuff? Um, you know, more dumb chickship, I guess. I just, yeah, like running and

fucking jerking off all that stuff. Yeah. I love that incredible. Red men, I thought you'd like that.

Yeah. Give me some of your videos for later. You're definitely doing the secret show on Thursdays. So congratulations. Let me be the first to tell you. I'll still let him do it at the end and everything. It'll be great. You'll be real surprised. So I did the show. I mean, it's just incredible. Jeff Ross, are you going to? I liked it. You know, all your jokes were like connected. Like, you weren't doing random shit. You came up here with an act. Oh, thanks. Hey. Yeah.

Far's low. I appreciate it. Stayed on topic. Stayed in the pocket. Incredible. Katie. Uh, what else is going on in life? Just moved here. Uh, it's cool. You guys have a different, you have a pretty crazy homeless situation here. It's a lot different than done. Very, it's cool. Yeah. It is, it is a little again. It's very concentrated. Like here. Yeah. Well, it's different. Like in Denver, uh, if someone like asks you, like, to get them

“something from a gas station, you're like legally required by Joe Biden to do it, you know?”

But here, you can just say now and fucking shoot them. So it's awesome. It is. It is very awesome. We take full advantage of that. Oh, he's like, there's only homeless people right here in this neighborhood, not in my 18th floor. Yeah. Yeah. There's no, it's like, it's only a certain places. I do not in my hot tub. Oh, they're probably has been homeless people in Europe. Hey, we have some wild nights here in Austin. No doubt about it. Maggie has to wash off

everyone's in a while, probably Maggie, available at fifth and the alleyway between the new ACS and Rio Grande. No, it kind of is, though. I mean that. Like, there's like a four or five blocks straight. Yeah. And, um, and they know, you know, it's like the tourist. It's kind of like Hollywood and Highland in, um, in LA or all of New York City, you know, and I'm in. This is the worst plug for the mothership. Well, it is true. There was a psychotic liberal mayor, I guess, uh, like six

years ago that built a homeless shelter right here on sixth street, seventh street and, uh, wherever the creek in the cave is. So, like, kind of in the middle of all the comedy clubs, there's just homeless people. And then there's homeless comedians and there's comedians that have four bedrooms and whatever. What's your living situation you live by yourself? Uh, you just under an underpass on an eyedronome, getting us. No, yeah. I live alone at Supercool. Um, thinking about doing

eight years soon. So, we'll see. Doing what? Harwin. Oh, nice. Very good. Be of like a normal girl set up. You have like that fluffy white plain cometer and like, you know, yeah. Yep. Red man's kind of think about it later. Yeah. Yeah. He's thinking about it right now. He's got something to say.

“Look at this. What, what kind of posters or, um, you need to have on your wall posters. Yeah,”

they have posters. You could tell this guy fantasizes about a lot of 12-year-olds over here. Yep. My little pony. Yeah. Do you have any art? Yeah. Do you have art hanging on your walls? Uh, you know, honestly, right now, no. It's kind of sociopathic, but so, sorry. I can put up some Hello Kitty posters if you want. If that would help you finish, sure, whatever. You just have, you just have, like, one of those, like, stand up mirrors that you got off Amazon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's one

from Target that makes you have body dysmorphia. Keeps me going. You know, you do. Absolutely incredible.

Jeffrey Ross. Tony has, uh, Tony has, like, Tom Brady quotes hanging up at his house. I love that you think that the door rose of all quote is a Tom Brady quote. Because I get a man in the arena, but I try to, I wanted to make it funny. It's inspiring. It's very inspiring. Every few, every few months, Tony sends me the great theater Roosevelt poem, the man in the arena. It is true. It is true. It's inspiring. It really is.

You have had it, touchy. Oh, my God. Red band, you're not allowed to, every time there's a pretty girl on you're not allowed to ask them disgusting questions like that. It's wrong and it doesn't represent what the show is. Do you have a touchy? Wait, what is that? Oh, it's nothing. It's a television

“brand. Anyway, Katie Carter. We tell me on the secret show later. What kind of card do you have?”

kind of card do I draw it? What kind of card do you think I draw? Uh, Kia. Okay, you think I'm

a pussy? That's where uh, no, I drive a Honda, Elantro. That was the next guess. That's basically

a slightly better than a Kia. Think I'm poor, Tony. I mean, probably. Yeah. I'm very likely. Timmy, no breaks Jack. It's actually called me, uh, the Colby Timmy notes. It's his my nickname, round. Oh, yeah. It's unfortunate. Katie, you are a true comedian. I see nothing, but wild success in your future red band. I got a secret show. You did it. You're a dirty boy, Brian red band.

It is that time to bring him out. He, uh, is incredible. You're going to love him. He's blind.

“But you're answering the bell for Chris Celio, everybody. Here we go.”

Shit. Is she even hot? I fuck him, can't wait for robot eyes. Goddamn it. I missed it so much. I Elon Musk keeps telling me he's going to put a computer chip in my brain that'll let me see again. It's fucking crazy. He calls it nerling. Uh, but he says the first version of it is going to look like old school Atari video game graphics. That's not an upgrade. I finally get to see tits in their squares.

I get to go to a strip cup and it looks like super Mario World in their man. I don't want pong pussy, you know. I'll wait for two rated titties at least. Do people are so mad at Elon

“that they were breaking and vandalizing Tesla's? That's so fucked up. Because the coolest part about”

a Tesla is that one day I'll be able to buy one and drive it home. It'll be the happiest day of my life. Somebody will immediately spray paint Nazi pieces shit on it. That's fucked up. I'm not even going to know. I'm just going to drive around for two weeks like the happiest Nazi in the world. Like this. This smile and skin head piece of shit. Blaring Kanye West out my speakers like I didn't even know there was a problem. Dude.

Fuck. Yeah. That's true. Golden cigarette winner. Chris Cuyo has done it again. Another brand new

minute. Amazing stuff, Chris. I notice an amazing, amazing quality of yours is you always have a

great opening line that feels organic and then you ride your own wave of momentum that you build. Is she even hot with Heidi? I hope this is real. This is what you said your first appearance on the show and immediately I fell in love with you because obviously you could be anywhere and it could be a bunch of people pranking you. But it's just so darn funny. For a guy that's blind,

“you hit it right on the nose every time. It is incredible, Chris. How's life going?”

It's going fucking good, man. Just did fucking mushrooms at Southwest from listening to bands? Wow, what were the visuals like? God, I wish, dude. Give me one color.

I would love anything right out. It's as black as D. Yeah, incredible. Amazing. Amazing.

So what was the band when you took mushrooms and you saw our herd what? We just, yeah, I do say I saw a thing all the time. Yeah, I know. We just popped around random spots. I didn't even know. I was just like, this is the best band I've ever seen. Yeah, don't know their name at all. Amazing. Amazing. That was an festival. When you say... Shopify Southwest, just like random bars around town.

It was cool. Very cool. Very cool. A lady just was dancing with me and just was like, here, I'll put you in a better spot and then just put me right next to a speaker. And almost killed me. I was like, holy shit, you're going to ruin my life, dude. Amazing. I can't handle that. Amazing, Chris. Tell us more about what it's like being blind in this crazy world that we're living. We're anything at all. I mean, it doesn't

have to be about being blind. No, no. It's good. It's like, it's a lot of fun. I was dancing with this girl at this last festival that I didn't even know was there. And then she started trying to take off my sunglasses. Oh shit. And I was like, no, no, no. All right. You don't want to see those of the drugs you're on. Yeah. He's our bad vibes, you know. Amazing. Chris, how do you know when you're done wiping? God damn it, dude. God damn it, man. Our senior wiping course,

Spondon Brian Redban asking the tough questions here today. Give me a biday sponsorship, all right?

That would be absolutely incredible. That would be incredible. Chris, have you, do you ever go on

dates or anything like that? No, I don't like, it's hard. It's hard being a girl. It's like the apps are just like picture, picture, picture. It'll like read me their bios, girls bios suck. It's like Puerto Rican flag, Mexican flag. It's like they're listing their dog breed. Only when I bump into girls in the world, I'm like, oh, it was amazing. I'm remind us, how long have you been blind? It's been like 10 years now. Yeah, you had like, you had like

easily detachable redness. Super easily detachable redness. And it kind of happened before, and then it went all the way off. Yeah, I had like one eye that like, they had to remove because I just had like four right now detachments and like I'm ton of like super painful surgeries. But you did see for a while. 18, so I was 18. Wow. So even when you take drugs now, like you did, at the festival say you really don't see any. Yeah, I don't get any visuals. I think my imagination

is now done. What? What the fuck was that? Guys, I don't know what that was. They're always

not red. That wasn't red. That was a John D's key. He's over there. So, okay, so there's no visuals, but you do have just, you only have your memory before 18. Yeah, yeah, like, I can still see my dreams, you know? Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, but it's all shit I saw before I went blind. Right. So it's like, every night, my dreams are the world's prettiest 90s sitcom. Like blind meets world. Or like fresh prints of blindness. That one's weird. Can you, I'm black. Can you take, can you take us through?

Can you, for example, just like take us through, like the most recent dream doesn't have to necessarily

“be funny, but then the, the 90s sitcom. What, what is like the most recent dream that you remember?”

I'll have like stand-up dreams about like, you know, doing comedy. And every time it'll just be like, me doing comedy, and then I think back when I wake up, and I'm like, that was my lunch room. Whoa, you hear that? It really is a 90s sitcom. Work has good, as I thought it would. Yeah, I'll just be like running away from like monsters, and it's just like a hallway that I knew from fucking 10 years ago. Damn, that's incredible Chris.

All right. Well, anything else crazy we should know about before we let you go, Chris? No, thank you guys so much. You guys are all dude. Thank you so much. Hold on. Chris, Delio, you are the fucking man. Hold on, hold on, yeah. All right, fucking Jeff Ross is here. Hold on, I do it. Yeah. Yeah, let's talk to Jeff Ross. Yeah, let's talk with Jeff Ross.

We'll be fighting for me. Why is he hiding from me? Hey, Jeff Ross, you look like a... So one guy who can't roast me, I love that. Not a dude. You sound like a sesame street, semi. I think I get it. Chris, what's your last name? Silio.

“I'm going to remember you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like 10 years?”

So about the time this happened to you, you decided I need to channel it into something artistic. Yeah, yeah. I was like figuring out what I want to do. Like I was like first semester of college and when I went blind, so obviously I dropped out of that. And then I was like, what can I do? And I was just listening to all you guys on podcast.

And I was like, I would always wanted to be a stand-up. And I was like, this seems like

something I could do with minimal effort. You know? Like, yeah, just me and a microphone seems like right a perfect amount of work for me, you know? Yeah, but your came out. Your minute was like, killer. That wasn't the first time you did that minute. It was the first time you did it here. You've been working. Yeah, I work. I can feel that. And I think you're a really good joke writer.

“Thank you so much. And I was wondering what color your shirt is?”

God damn it dude, what a test I will always fail. You're awesome. Give it up for Chris. Chris, Celia, ladies and gentlemen. It's cool. Gold in. Pick up winner. He's done it again. That's really incredible. You guys have been fun out there? But they want to sit dry, paintbrush, his autograph, he's going to the restroom right now.

The one the hallway has a chance. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Scott. Everybody, we're going to keep it moving with the stylings of Michael Scott. Here he is. I got a room, uh, recently. He's black. He cleans my house.

What is the black base model for every object that's supposed to improve our lives?

Why is it always black? I gave mine a pair of white gloves and a bow tie.

I pushed clean on him and he goes up and down the holes. Massakeet, my battery is charged. The other day, I hit clean on Toby. Oh, his name is Toby. I couldn't name him, come to. My mom comes over. I'm going to watch your feet. Come just trying to get by.

So the other day I hit clean on Toby. He goes towards the end of the hall and he's cleaning. And he starts beeping and goes back to recharge his batteries. And I nearly spilled my sweet tea. I get up and I go, "The hell you will?" Nobody said you could take a break. So I got up and I watched him clean my house until he died.

And when he died, I bought a new one in an auction for three fifths, the price of one of those black. Wow, Michael, stop, pushing it to the limit of time. With an incredibly racist set that only you could do.

When we meet, amazing. You can get away with that.

“Incredible. Remind us all, Michael, how long have you been on stand-up?”

Nine years, four months. Nine years and four months. Amazing. And most of that here in Austin. No. Baker's field of California, a little bit in Fresno. I moved here, December 30th of 23. Okay. What do you do for a day job? I got fired from one, but I still have a valage job. You're working valage, too. This is the official show of valage drivers.

I've gotten a lot of comics hired, quite a few. Okay. You called Aaron McPherson earlier. He didn't get up here in time. Yeah, I got him a job there. But I noticed you called a different Aaron right after. And I thought that was funny. You called a white Aaron. Yeah, I pulled names out of them. Yeah, no. It was like, yeah, I know it wasn't you.

And I don't know what happened. Oh, I didn't actually call him. I hand off the piece of paper. And if they're not like where they're supposed to be, then I have to pull another name. I know. It's not like rocket science or anything crazy. I know there's a lot of conspiracies about this bucket, but it's fair. Pieces of paper.

Well, there's demand in everybody. You're room, but just came back.

“So Michael Scott, tell us more about your life. What else is going on?”

Your room, but plays a hell of a base. I got it.

That is absolutely incredible.

Uh, this somebody tell him I was black. Backstage and then he came, oh, I got to make it back for this one. Yeah, I don't know. What's going on in life in life? You have a girlfriend? No. No. It's the last time you went on a date.

Uh, let's see, three months, maybe. What happened there? Not great. Just uh, I mean, it was all right. You matter online or something like that on a date. No, just add a show, just matter hung out, got messed up.

And yeah, drinks. Yeah. And then what? You went back to your place? Yeah. And then what happened? Uh, fuck there. Oh, wow. What a romantic. What a romantic man. Straight in search. Yes.

I was already unbuckling as we were driving now. Amazing. Amazing.

“And then you never talk to where again after that. No. Why is that exactly?”

Um, I don't know. This, this wasn't, this is a white girl. Yeah. Okay. What would gave it away? Yeah. Could have been anything. I don't know. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be surprised about anything. I think you would fuck whoever would want to fuck you.

Am I correct? I think he's right. Yeah. Amazing stuff. And you met her at just a regular open my Shakespeare. And she came up to you afterwards and was like, what's up? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Uh, yeah. I've been kind of, I don't know. I've been doing comedy and then people come up to me and tell me,

talk to me afterwards. I just lately, I'd usually talk to nobody. I just do my thing and leave. Um, now I'm trying to hang out and make friends. And you got drunk with this girl at Shakespeare's? I was drunk before, but okay. At Shakespeare's in other places. I walked around. Okay. Very cool. Very, Michael. What kind of card do you drive?

Uh, 2019 Chevy Equinox. Nice. What's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator? A salmon roll he fucked three months. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Wow. Yes, she's throwing out right now.

thing that you've seen inside of a car that you were battling at the time?

Um, guns, condoms, uh, not in the same car. That's for sure. There's a different difference. Nobody, nobody with guns is using condoms. Um, no way, Jose. That'd be an absolutely contradictory to life itself. One person parked their car overnight and they had a German shepherd that they left in the car in a crate in the bed, strapped down. You'd come out maybe every four hours and check

on it. But it stayed that yeah, and it was the winner too. I was very upset about that. Was it like a Tesla that had dog mode on or anything like that? No, I was like a Dodge Ram truck. It was a German shepherd. Perhaps it was a Jew trying to get revenge for the Holocaust because it was a German shepherd being kept in a crate inside of a car in a torture situation. Perhaps it was revenge

“for the Holocaust. Not still not getting the laugh. I think it deserves. You can't really plan to”

do a joke like that. It has to just be served up in the air. You only have one chance at it. I guess that was my chance. And it's yet still not really connecting the way that I was hoping was because it was a, because the Jews were held captive by the Germans in very tight quarters, very tough situation. You said it was during the winter time? Yeah, yeah. Really doesn't get much more spot on than that. Thank you, there it is. There it is, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. We only get to laugh at a good Holocaust jokes while Jeff's going piece. So that was the whole fun chance. I'm kidding. Michael Scott, fun times. Yeah, you know, tremendously racist set. That's why you're leaving here with a big joke. Michael, I'd love to have you on a secret show, Brother. Thank you, man. Scott. Thank you, Tony. There he goes. Michael Scott. We're having a good old time here today. There he is. I knew it.

I do it for right on time. I didn't want you to miss this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, you're next set. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Eric Biggs, everybody. We're going to watch them all together. It's going on, Austin. I think too many people in this town, especially men go to counseling. I don't like it. I'm Midwestern. I'm very Midwestern. I'm so Midwestern. I don't believe

“in counseling. I believe in binge drinking. I, you shouldn't be talking to strangers. You should”

be having a problem in a garage with your friends. So, because I love scamming white people,

I'm always down for that. I do the I'm going to start the Midwestern counseling service.

Tell I'm going to go and reinvent counseling. What it's going to be is you're going to come over to my garage. Hang out with me, drink my beer. Work on my car. It's a Pontiac. You can't be sad working on a Pontiac. That's illegal. All right, guys. That's what freedom is all about. And then we're just going to talk and get drunk all night long. Have a good time. And maybe as the night goes, you'll start to open up and tell me about the woes of your life.

Then you'll look me in the eyes, Bill. Yeah, I got hard when dad died. I'll look you dead in the eyes. I'll turn up the radio and say, shut up, pussy. We'll move on. All right. I've been here pigs. Okay. Is it okay if I go to the bathroom. That's fair. That's fair. Eric Biggs. I see why I see why Jay didn't let you talk and all those movies. Yeah. Yeah.

This is a pro. I kept crying. He said no. Wow. Eric, how long have you been attempting

“stand-up comedy? Six years of attempting Tony has been damned. Six years. What happened here?”

That's just a new minute, a tough minute. Yeah. It's been kind of working. I've been trying it around, but it did not work. I did not work. Six years where at? Mostly Missouri. I started off in Columbia, Missouri. And then where else have you been? I've been here ever since I've been down here

about three years. Three years. Okay. Here's what I'm going to do. Because Eric, I'm telling you,

I see it and you do. Look at you. You're built like a snowman. You are just, you have a beautiful round head. You have a round body. It's built like a snow globe. I think if I'd never have a carrot, my mouth. I think you could, they don't have it in that. That's their nose. That's like

That's what you're going to have to bless this all about. I love it. Yeah.

“What do you do for a living, Eric? I'm an insurance salesman. The only thing that can be worse than”

sucking at comedy. You know? Yeah. You do this. You do that all day and you go, you know what? I can eat shit on stage in front of people that can't be anywhere. I just think that Pontiac thing for some reason. Did you, did you, did you write that in Missouri? No, I wrote that down here. Fuck. All right. I'm really sorry. He gave me that out. He said to take it. I'm going to, I'm still, I still and I might be wrong, but fuck, Eric. I, there's something behind those eyes.

I think you can do better than that. I'm going to give you one more minute to a totally different

minute. You got it, right? You've been doing this six years. You must have a second minute.

Whatever you think you're best minute is because I'm positive this is the only time that you've been in front of millions of viewers right now. No, it's better than where this was going.

“Yeah. That's fair. That's fair. Topic. Yeah. What, what are some of your bits and we'll tell you?”

What are your, uh, yes, some some about marriage. I don't know. Have you been married? Yes, sir. I'm married right now. You know what? Just run. Just get right into it. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time, Rhys. We're going to start the podcast. One minute from Eric Biggs, everybody. Yeah, I, uh, I just celebrate my one year wedding anniversary. Yes, it's, uh, it's very nice. It's nice to own you and still trick white women and they're making bad decisions.

Like my wife looked me dead in the eyes and said, our lower credit score sounds great. Who doesn't want to live in a house that has wheels on it? That sounds fun, you know? The worst part about it is is, uh, I got married young. So you get a lot of bad advice when you ever get married young? Like, have you ever just been about to black out at a bar? You just have some old guy sitting next to you and he goes, don't do it. Don't get fucking married.

Show a fucking take on everything. You just got to look at him and go, I live in a trailer. I have nothing. Nothing can be taken. You can't split shit in half. Okay. Perfect. It was better. That was better than your first minute. Makes me wonder if I gave you another minute if that would be better. And I, so you live in a trailer? No, sir. Did you in Missouri? No, no, my parents were way too

successful for my life to have turned out this way. Wow, incredible. What are your parents

do for work? Uh, I'd see in a school teacher, middle school. Amazing. Amazing. And what do they think about you attempting to stand up comedy? Well, they wish I made different decisions. Did they like that you're an insurance salesman? Yeah. Yeah. My mom every time goes, it's okay. You can back out none of them know you do this. It's okay. Hell yeah. All right. And so what else about you, Eric? What would we find interesting about your entire life? Because you're

not really white trash, but you're from Missouri. Kind of like a kind of like a, you were a American pie kind of family. Yeah. Yeah. But yet, you kind of dress like jelly roll. Well, yeah.

“Yeah, this is what happens whenever you go to a past pro and go, yeah, that looks classy. You know?”

Yeah. A $35 t-shirt will look cool on stage, you know? Yeah, you know, you could buy a pair over all of the same price. Well, I didn't know that until tonight. Was it Jay and Silent Blub? Yeah. Yeah. So what else about your life? You ever have anything crazy up in? You're good at it. And you have any other special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that like wins

at like a vape competition or something. Oh, no. No. My smoke cigarettes like an adult. I would never,

I'd never vape. What am I a coward pussy? No, I don't know. I, I think I got into comedy like us, you know, he's usually everyone comes from like a broken home or your dad beat the shit out of you or whatever. I didn't have that. I had a very normal family. I even had like my brother, a very cool, very supportive. I think that he saw I wanted to be a comedian. So he decided, you know, I'm going to give this kid some trauma. So he died in a drunk driving accident.

It's just really get me going. Yeah. Party time. We all love a dead brother drunk driving story. A lot of a lot of tales of drunken driving here tonight. A reminder, we do not endorse that in the Kiltoni universe. Do not drink and drive. Absolutely. All right. Oh, you eat and drive? Yeah. Oh, it seems that would be equally as dangerous. Yeah. It's a problem. That blocked out a couple of times. Oh, yeah. See the peatary lights and you know, I got to go.

All right. All right. All right, Eric. We're going to keep it moving. Fun times. Sign up again. Keep writing. Prove your parents wrong. And maybe take your time a little bit more. Don't

perfect English. But you talk a little fast and words get together and then a bit a bit a bit

about it. You know what I mean? Like take a little bit. You're right. You're absolutely right. That's good advice. And also, I like that he reset and did a whole another minute. Yeah, you did it. Good. Yeah. That's good. Eric Bicks. All right. Oh my goodness. This is one of those special moments where someone very talented signed up for the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, I mean, I grew up in comedy with him. We were door guys together at the comedy store. He's been a paid regular

at the comedy store longer than I have. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very cerebral palsy episode of Kilt Tony. We already had Martin Phillips, but this is the OG from the comedy store now lives in Austin. One of the funniest people out there. Mixed the noise for Davey Wester, everybody. Davey Wester. Mixed the noise for my party. Yeah. You guys have had red legs and several

palsy people. You've never had it blended together. You fucking cock suckers. Some of you assholes are

going to ask me how to spell it, but I don't know shit about several palsy. So I'll just make up shit. They'll be like, what is terrible palsy? I'll tell you, it's super powers and large. Telly Wester, cock suckers. That's people, like, when people ask me how to spell it, because everybody's

“inquisitive as fuck. Does it look like I ever want to fucking spell and be ever in my lifetime?”

I went all turn of high school. We had law mowing as a course. Fucking dickhead because they knew I was going to fucking go to court sometime in my life. I don't know, man. Like, you

some of you have jobs that you dream about hitting a telephone pole. As you go to work,

you're like, man, I got six days of PTO and I could just take this fucking light pole right now. If I have to talk to Al one more time about his mental health, fuck him. Keep going, Davey. Just keep going for a bit. Keep going. Yeah, I'm going to keep going. Just keep going. You know how you know it's a shitty job. When they tell you, it's like your family. I avoid my family. My uncle is king tweaker that steals kid bikes on Tuesday. All right.

If you ever talked to my uncle who put a bad man or me and you'd be like, hey, Dave, why don't you get your life together? I'm he'll tell you. He's fighting capitalism.

“And I think he's bad man lost it because he's fucking homeless. So that's just,”

do you want me to do some more time? Yeah. I don't know, man. Like, and what I grew up, people didn't really know I had several palsy because I'm from a town where people watch parallel parking. And yeah. Good. That's, I mean, one of my best friends didn't know I had several palsy until she came to a comedy show. She goes, "David, I didn't know you had several palsy." I was like,

"Chen, what do you think I had?" She goes, "I thought you just didn't tie your shoes tight enough." That's, "David, you killed tonight, man." Oh, my God. What's up, Paul? I love it. See you, my man. Good to see you. This is what I love about this show. Is that sometimes you pull out someone that's real white trash, no, like, to be it. Yeah, the fuck it. That's fucking with the best pro. I heard that little fucking thing. I wanted to find him, Tony. Don't take my 77

flee would away from me, you son of a bitch. I feel like cerebral palsy is like number 8 on the list of shit that's fucked up about you. Like, yeah, it's not even a bit, right? Yeah, there's a lot

“of fucked up shit about me right now. That's why I'm on probation right now.”

You are? Yeah, well, so I decided to get, I was up in Minnesota and I went to go sit in my car because I little drunk and then I had nine cops arrest me and like, when you're getting the rest of you, don't have the fuck it button in your head because I had a pocket full of mushrooms in my pocket and I decided I was going to eat them right in front of the fucking cop. If I'm going to detox, I'm going in their high. That's, but it's won't enjoy it. Yeah, there's a master class

with Davey Wester. I look, Davey, you, as you have your buttons mismatch yet. Yeah, that is correct. You go fuck your A.I.R.R.O.Bock.

the wellness clinic and fucking help me out. Like, I won't have cerebral palsy anymore. I'd just be a downsy son, bitch. I don't think there's enough stem cells in the world to balance you out, baby. No, I'd get jagged. I'd like to see him blind people. I don't trust you, but Davey, you are on fire. What I love, I mean, I love Davey Wester. I mean, this guy was one of the door

“guys at the comedy store when I got there. I think it was, they had crippled people do. Yeah, exactly.”

It's a testament to the times. This is comedy store in 2007 was a dark, dark place with a lot of a very pessimistic, negative people and you were roommates with a lot of them and you fucking "Oh, please don't!" You want to talk about cocaine, okay? I mean, the crew was absolutely insane

that you lived with and meanwhile, you were always funny. Somehow you were almost always positive

and optimistic in a very, very dark time and it meant the world to me and the guys that I started with that were in our extremely early 20s starting out there. We always looked up, but we even are not, we looked up to Davey. That's a fantastic pair. I'm a fucking hero. But here in Austin, you're absolutely thriving. You got out of L.A. and you've kind of become a rock star here in Austin. People are able to find you and see you and you're selling tickets and stuff.

Tell us more about your life here in Texas. Well, me and Holdman went through a rodeo. Oh my god, can you imagine? If even if there were bulls there, I would go to the rodeo just to see what you went and Holdman were doing together. Wow, it's so big. We go rock. That's like O.J. and Cosby sharing a cell together. Yeah, well, he went to the wrong place. He thought my apartment was this abortion clinic because that's with me. He thought, I don't know. It was just crazy. Holdman bought

a bunch of shit. Y'all let me a bunch. He told me, hey yeah, he held it mean for not having a handicapped

“placard that I carry around. He thought he was going to get good parking. Yeah, that's why he brought”

you. Oh my god. Bring it. Everywhere we went, he goes, I have a handicapped. I have a handicapped. Oh my god. Oh my god, I almost fainted just then. Oh god, I really picked your knot. Tell these kids just so that you know why I'm laughing so hard. Tell them you're not kidding. I know you're not kidding. No, there's all these stories are true. You can look it up. Go to me, Friday, Washington, and you'll be like, oh, this is the what they look like. Just so you understand

Drew McKinsey's from my area too. Yeah. Yes, that is true. Anytime I see somebody, then I've blown a few people's minds like this. I'll be like, where are you from? They're like the state of Washington, and I notice that their eyes are ever not aligned. Like if they have one eye here and one eye there,

I'll be like, you're from near you freight and they're like, how do you know that? It always blows

their minds. But they just have to keep an eye on offset eyes from Washington. Yeah, you just have to

“you have to stand. There's a nuclear plant. I love it, Davey. I mean, you are just one of my favorite”

types of stories because you know, you're not an actor, you're not a writer, you're not a dance, you're not a sketch, you're not, you're not trying all these things. You're a fucking pierced and up comedian, the kind of guy that I just loved a drink with and hang out with and whatever, you know, when I dance. Eat mushrooms? Well, maybe. I don't think I could eat mushrooms with you, Davey. I kind of, I'm very, I'm highly, I'm highly sensitive already. Uh, well, the buttons thing

alone would fuck me up, the entire time. First thing I would do is I'd be like, Davey, get over here.

Let me fix this for you. Take off his clothes. I got, I got a pair of overalls. It was very cheap. No, I tried the overall thing that didn't really work out for me. What happened? Well, yeah, when you don't button those correctly, everything comes out. Yeah, I'm fine with that. Davey, if you're in town, I would love to have you on the Seeker Show Thursday. You are the fucking man, Davey, Western. Now the world knows about it.

One more time for Davey, Western, everybody. It's been to a comedy like at least 20 years. One of the first people I ever met in LA. He's the man. He's the man. The original,

the original fucking cerebral palsy, fucking super powerful comedian.

Cleanser, Heidi's. Yeah, the sage of the room to get your penises out from inside of you after staring at Davey, Western for 10 minutes. Here's the lovely Heidi here to recent your testosterone, level, separate body. Go to HeidiRagina.com. It's all good. Oh, you got it. Okay. There's a 50, 50 year plan. I'm about one more time to the lovely Heidi, everybody. All right, back to the fucking we go, ladies and gentlemen, you are next fucking poll,

those by the name of Victoria Lang, Victoria Lang, a third female of the night. So I'm a poll dancer. And when I say that, a lot of people think that means stripper. And I'm not. But if I was, I would have a really cool name like Miss Honeybun. It's because I'm sweet. I'm dense. And after a couple of bites, I really taste like nickels. It's like a cup holder, a loose change. Yeah. I have a boyfriend and he's a little bit of a freak.

So he likes it. He's into this thing. It's called sounding. It's when you shove something in your dick.

Yeah. First I was like, "Ooh, too. I was like, "Ooh." But he makes this really cool noise. He goes like this.

It's like a little kid in the fan in the summertime. You know how they go. And the fucking fan. It's so beautiful. I've been calling him Yureethra Franklin. And our relationship has been great. Our relationship has been great ever since. Thank you. All right, 55 seconds from Victoria Wang. Welcome to the show, Victoria. Thank you. You're the first time on, correct? How long have you been on stand up? Three years.

Three years. All of it here in Austin, Texas? No. I'm from Connecticut/New York. I do a lot of comedy over there. Okay. What part of Connecticut, exactly? Like Hartford County. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. There's fun fact about Connecticut. Well, it is literally a freeway. The state is a freeway. There's a very, very, very extremely fancy part, Greenwich. Yeah. Yeah. And there. Where, of course, like, you know, the McMahon's live and the WWE started. And then there's

where you're from. Right. Yeah. Not over there. Tell us what it's like growing up in the hood of Connecticut. Oh, it's like this is a shit. It's got a lot of stuff going on over there.

“I mean, I would say, we have the best comedy. I think in that part of Connecticut, you know,”

oh, in Connecticut, you have the best part of, you have the best comedy in Connecticut. In that part, you know, because they're all kind of pieces of shit like me. Yeah. So they get me more. Right. When you call yourself a piece of shit, what do you mean? Where are some pieces? What are some shitty things about the tutorial why? Give us the dirty. Some shitty things about me. Other than your nickel pussy. Yeah. I would say that one's pretty stand out. That one's pretty

stand out. I'm kind of like, uh, I'm a little bit of a hater, self admittedly. And I've say a lot of things that I regretted immediately. I go, I regret that. When you, uh, are you talking about like online or just like, no, in person, I'll be like, oh, that person's a fucking asshole. And then I go, oh, why do I say that type of thing? Wow. Yeah. Is that ever back fired on you?

“Is it? Yeah. Everybody hates me. I'm like, Connecticut's most hated. So that's what happens.”

Wow. Incredible. But your boyfriend likes you. He loves me. How long have you been with him?

I've been with him for two years. And he's a comedian as well. So he gets it. You guys look here now? But no, we're just visiting. Okay. Did he sign up as well? Yes. Okay. We'll talk about that in a second. You're a pole dancer. How long have you been pole dancing? I'm a pole dancing. You know, I'm about as good as pole dancing as I am at comedy to be put it that way. Okay. Yeah. All right. So you fall a lot. Yeah. Fall in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you make it at the top of the pole in the

bottom of the pole. Yeah. Because you're your bipolar. You ever straddle the microphone stand? I have. Usually I'm a lot more active. I do kind of something like that. But I think I got Tony made me nervous. No, it's okay. It's all right. Don't be nervous around me. What could I possibly say about you that you haven't already thought about yourself? That's great. Victoria, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Yes. I make comedy music.

That's I would say my forte. Okay. That's your specialty. Yeah. Do you have a song in your

“head that you've written that's original to you? Yeah. I do. What's it about?”

So I have a couple. I have one about storming captions. Do one. Okay. You have one about storming the

Which one do you think's the funniest? The one about dating at living in Toronto? Do you know what chord progression that is? Is that a DGA C, DGA C? It goes like this. Something like that. Okay. I feel like it could be kind of like a bee like I can like follow it. Yeah. They got you. Yeah. What's the beat that you like? Boom. It was like this. Here she is, ladies and gentlemen. You can totally away. Everybody. Here we go. First spotlight.

Thank you. All right. Here we go. I woke up today in the pink room. In the pink room that I grew up in.

My mom takes out the trash like she always does. I check my phone. I got the text. The text is from my mom.

Even though she just left, it says at least one of us is getting some.

“Oh my god. My mom saw the condom in the trash, but that's what happens when you're living at your mom's house.”

Pick up. There is a feeling you can't hide. When your mom's seeing your girl is red and white inside. But there's really nothing I can't do. When our economy is in the tubes and maybe one day we'll live in a studio apartment, but till then it'll be us. And also my mom, because this is her house. You want me to go? I woke up today in the blue room, in the blue room that I grew up in.

My mom wakes me up for work like she always does. I usually text when I have a girl over

last night was different, I guess. My mom walks in to see my dick getting sucked. Like me and my mom, we're close but not that much. And now she's called me with my balls out.

“Of course, there's a feeling you can't hide. When your mom's seeing your dick trustee,”

I'm waiting here, am I? What do you really not think I can do? Unless I should have seen yours, I think you can, maybe one day We live in a trailer block or something, wait, but until that day, it'll be us. And also my mom, because this is her house. And let's not forget about my step, that sometimes when we're getting in some man. Not being my step at, I can hear him falling through the walls, 'cause I share it with my bad throne. Same wall. Please don't look at the stain. My 20-year-old cat died. My senior gear up high school.

It's not that noticeable unless you look at it. You got to walk by really fast. There are some sounds you cannot hide. Even when the TV volume's real high.

“My whole family hears young children and you. That's how they all know I'm getting screwed.”

And yet that's it. Young children, I know that might be enough for free, but it gets me hot. So fight me outside, but sing a bitch. They're gonna go! Wow! Wow! My mind is low. Great man, looking to see if I can put it in the sink or so. Wow! Victory alone! I got to tell you. I did not see that coming.

That was actually like a good song. How to comedy song. That was just a good song. Yeah, it was an actually good song. Thank you, I wrote it. That's amazing. And I love how you directed the band. I mean, this is that type of band that you give them a thing. They are right there. They feel the energies and just roll with it. And you,

I've never actually seen anyone conduct them. It's so perfect.

They followed every single one of your leads. It was incredible. You're so ADD. You're talking about a lighter that's on the table right now. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing, Victoria. Comedy music is definitely your thing. Thank you.

At Victoria does comedy. There you go. Only fans also are very funny. You have a playboy account, but they took me offline because I wasn't making enough money. That happens. That happens, Victoria. When all you can do is sing, that happens. But you are very talented. You really got lost in it. When you were sitting down, I was so impressed when you're commanding the band. It's like a fucking,

it's like a real, real treat to see somebody come in and start kind of shy and exactly

Jeff just said showmanship. I mean, you really came out. You know what I mean? And that was incredible.

Congratulations. Victoria, why not? The set was okay, but after that, amazing performance. You're leaving here with a big joke, but here you go. You're so much. All right. There you go. Sure. Can I leave now? Why? What did I say? You've got your go. Oh. What the fuck? Thank you. Anything can happen here, ladies and gentlemen. This is a show filled with magic sometimes.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's make it your final bucket pull of the night, goes by the name of

Eric McLaughlin, everybody. I was at the airport yesterday.

Now it's thinking, you could just point at anybody in here and yell,

“"That guy has a bomb in his ass." And they kind of have to check that guy's ass, right?”

They got to put a finger in that guy. They're probably going to put a finger in you after because you said that which could be fun, like if you're into that, that's like your thing. You can be like, "Yeah, he's got a bomb in his ass. Check me now." You know? You got your two hours early. Go ahead, fucking. Check my ass. You do that all the time and the guy actually has a bomb in his ass.

And then TSA is like, "Oh, he's shit. That guy was going to blow up the plane. 200 live save because of you. You're a fucking hero." And you'd be sitting there like, "Fuck, I don't think he's going to check my ass." What a set from the beginning to end. Eric McLaughlin. Hello. Welcome, my friend.

Very funny. How long have you been on stand-up? Is he a better year-and-a-half? Wow. Incredible.

Where-out? Oh, here. I'm a local, yeah. Born and raised in Austin. Well, no. I've been on the show before. My doing I was like 12. Wait, what? I moved here when I was 12 years old. Oh, God. Yes, all right. I thought you said you were on the show when you were 12. No. No, not that. Amazing. Amazing. Okay. Where were you at? Before you were 12.

“Just to the beginning. Oh, I was in California. Okay. Yeah, San Jose, nice. How old are you now?”

I'm 32. Yeah. Okay. What do you do for work? Well, I sell mortgages. Kind of. Kind of. Well, I mean, I'm not very good at it. So I've been doing TikTok at Facebook in content creation, kind of lately, but how's that going? Does that profitable? Yeah, it's good. I mean, you know. It's okay. Yeah, it's fun. It's good. I enjoy it. Cool. What else do you do content creation? Why? Um, I do movie reviews mostly right now. It's kind of like a big thing. Nice. Yeah. Can I have a cigarette?

Sure. Yeah. Why not? I'm not going to give you a lighter, but you can have a sit. No, I'm kidding. What's a movie you've seen lately that was good. I watch Batman begins last night. It's great. I mean, that's a 19. What is that? 91. 93? No, it's 2005 with, uh, what? Batman begins. Batman begins. Batman begins 2005. Oh, my, my lose. Maybe it's like a fucking, it's like a, you know, I saw last night.

Baron's steam bearers thing. Look it up for me. Just, uh, I thought Batman begins with the Tim Bird one, but maybe that's just Batman, huh? Batman begins. Yeah, I guess so. Batman begins.

“Oh, yeah, there it is. 2005. Okay. Well, what do you think about the 2005 classic Batman begins?”

The unforgettable Batman begins. Often confused for Danny DeVito is the penguin.

very recently called Heal. Want to see a crazy movie called Go See Heal. H-E-L on Amazon. Heal? Yeah. Is that a new movie? It is, it is a new movie. It's about a guy who, um, who gets, uh, who gets trashed, really, really big party boy, and, uh, he gets, uh, taken a hostage, putting somebody's basement, and I won't give anything else away, but it's a very interesting movie. Interesting. That's cool. Yeah, put it in a list. I'll, um, I recommend flow. There's not one,

“one word in the whole entire movie flow. Yeah. You like any of the Oscar picks?”

Marty Supreme now. That's all fucking absolute dog shit. Really? Beyond all dog shit. We're, we're not, yeah, we don't, we don't play that. Yeah, we can move on, but I will give one more. So those of you that can handle subtitles. I know that's not a lot of the Kill Tony fan base. Uh, but if you can, check out a movie on Amazon called the coffee table. If you want your heart to be out of your fucking chest. Oh, there's one person that knows about it out there. One real fucking freak out there.

Yeah, all right. It's a crazy movie. Gotta watch that one. Coffee table? Yeah, the coffee table. Okay. Yeah. That's, yeah. That on the list. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Absolutely. What, what is your favorite movie that you've seen that you've reviewed the blue your mind? A newer movie? Oh. To be honest, like, I feel like new movies kind of suck. Uh, I saw cast away the other day. That was,

just amazing. Unbelievable. Any day you're going to make it the fucking, the pulp fiction or forest

gumper, soft-sacredemption. Yeah, there's a good thing is this crap. I made you watch cast away. I don't know where. Um, it, it was on Netflix. Red band pointed out a good one while we're in fucking movie mode for the first time in our 13 year history because we did have this conversation. I avoided Demi Moore's the substance because I thought it would automatically be a chick flick because

“it's just Demi Moore's face and all the promos. But if you want to really fucking go for an insane ride,”

the substance. Sexiest. It's incredibly watchable. I have seen that. You have seen that. Did you see the substance, Jeff? You got to see this movie. It's fucking nuts. Well, it's about, it's about the, uh, I guess the overall principle of the movie is it's about like trying to preserve your beauty and the sacrifices that you made would make to do that could cost you the opposite effect on the back end. So a temporary look now for an instant gratification now for a nightmare situation, perhaps.

Later. Great review. Yeah. Did you see song sung blue? That was really good. Uh-huh. Is that a Japanese movie? Oh, it was a huge jacket and, uh, and, uh, song sung blue. I believe it's one of our golden ticket winners. Song sung blue. It's about Neil Diamond and personators. It's really good. Oh, cool. Yeah. And, uh, you know, Kate Hudson, Hugh Jackson, Hugh Jackson, Hugh Jackman,

very good movie. I'm just watching Eric smoke the first cigarette of his life over there.

It's a really nice club. I didn't want to ask on you. There's an ass trade. There's, there's an ass trade right there. Oh, yeah. There's a hold to like you's French or something. Yeah, I do a movie review. Yeah. Yeah. Perhaps you've seen my own days starting a Pepin Love You. That's pretty good. Yeah. I like you like waiting for Conan O'Brien. I don't know. Eric, what else have you done with your life? Tell us something else? Um, oh. Oh, I tried to sell my shit last year. That was

something interesting. What did you sell? Well, it's not like shit, like actual poop. Oh, wow. Yeah, there's a website. Yeah, the lead one, don't you? Yeah. No, there's a website called The Human Biome Project. And they pay like a 180 grain a year to buy your poop. So I signed up to like Donate or whatever. And it's like a real thing. They pay you money for your poop. And they put it like an a pill because it like helps with bacteria for other people. It's like a whole thing. Did you get,

“you got money from this? No, I just, I applied and I didn't get in. Do you have to send them your”

poop to apply? So it's a weird process. Like the first part is you do an IQ test, which are that was weird? Uh, I passed that, thank God. Um, and in the next part you send them photos, that's where I failed because I had diarrhea on the last day. So yeah. Yeah. Crones disease or someone like that. No, I don't have that. No, no, it's four Crohn's disease. Oh, yeah, maybe. I just

wanted the money. Yeah. Amazing. Yeah. Other than selling shit, what else have you done with your

life? I don't know. Red bands like New Merge. Yeah. That's Corny. Another poop joke. Red band

man, am I in my interest? I'm I'm Brazilian. That's, I mean, that's a big one. I told you

“that last time I'm a Brazilian guy, which is kind of interesting. I go there every year to see”

family and it's just fun being white and Brazil and speaking Portuguese. You get to go to Brazil often. I do. Yeah, I go every year to see my family and that's D. R. R. R. R. I feel like you're going to be kidnapped or taken from money. That's a big, big deal over there. Oh, it's, it's not Mexico. It's like, it's like a little nicer. I mean, it's, but it's not, are you in the, are you in a specific gated white part of Brazil? Brazil is the famous for kidnapping and trying to take hostage white

people. No, there are places like that in Brazil. Yeah, it's called Brazil. That's a place in Brazil in which that's a thing. What are you, the head of tourism over there? I'm just, you know,

trying to represent Brazil. But it is a second most dangerous country in the planet right behind

there in a stand. Wow, there it is. Yeah. It's not Mexico. You're right. You're right. It is, it is dangerous, but they do like they separate people, which is bad. But also, I mean, I'm in the nicer parts, which is good. There you go. I had a feeling. It took a while to get there, but there it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. Tony Brazil is so nice. Yeah, you're right. All right. What's your dating life like? Um, um, not really dating. I mean, I, I go,

I go in the apps every now and then. I, you know, I kind of hit around and then see what's up. But I'm not really like actively getting out there. Last question about you. Last, thank you. Thank you. Way to change the subject. Last date you went on. What was that like? Um, it was a really a date. She just sort of came over, uh, with just cool. Mm-hmm. That was fun. Um, but it was, that was around September. That was the last time. As she just hit me up, she was drunk. She was like,

what are you doing? And she was like, you want to grow out? And I'm like, no, I'm not home watching a movie and she was like, well, wow, Batman begins. Here's a medium-sized joke book. It's all I have left. There you go. Eric McLaughlin. Actually, switch that up. They'll give you a big joke book on your way out. Give them a big one. Trade that medium for a big. All right, since we were running a little

“ahead of time, ladies and gentlemen, I decided for one last bucket pull, huh?”

Perry, you've never done it in chair again. We'll make this one quick no matter what happens. We

got to keep it moving. Jonathan Share again is your final bucket pull of the night. It's going on. Um, anybody ever change your entire personality because of a TV show? I just stopped wearing my glasses because of that one show, Dommer. Still eat people that's just for the flavor, but um, I'm actually not a comedian. I'm just here to announce my candidacy for mayor of the friend zone. I've been a pretty good city councilman.

I feel like I'm right for the push for the big office. First initiative is to tackle the homeless situation. I saw this homeless couple strung out on the side of the road and I just felt horrible. Seems like this dude has a girlfriend. Hello, my doing wrong. It's my fault though. I don't have the most commanding personality. If I were like in a biker gang, it'd be sons of applebees.

Like going on a date with me is so cold. It's how it feels to chew five gum. All right, well, just into there. Thank you very much. I'm Jonathan turning in. There it is. Solid set from Jonathan. Share again. Welcome. Welcome to the show Jonathan. It was Jernigan close enough. It's what? Jernigan. Jernigan. Okay, everybody. Your ends look like ours. Yeah. All right. There you go. Jonathan Jernigan. So Jonathan. What's up? Where are you from? Houston. How long have you been

doing to stand up? I would be eight years in August. Okay. Cool. And one of you have been named

“Jernigan for a long my whole life. Yeah. What are the Jernigans like? What are your parents like?”

Oh, my dad was an ex hippie. And then my mom is unfortunately no longer with us. What happened to mom? Oh, she had cancer. Oh, yeah. I kept pointing the TV remote at her. But that'll do it. So when you say your dad's an ex hippie, what do you mean exactly? Well, he used to have like really long hair and played chess for now. He doesn't. What made him kind of snap out of it. You think. Oh, my mom dying. All right. All right. All right. Okay. So what is dad? How's dad keeping it

together now? How long go to mom die? I want to say like eight years ago. Okay. Is your dad moved on?

Yeah. You have a lot of brothers and sisters. I have one brother. Okay. Older younger younger. All right. What is he doing? He like does like financial analysis. What do you do for? I teach painting.

“You teach painting. You make a living doing that. Not really. Oh, wow. How are you surviving?”

I live at home. Amazing. With dad. Oh, yeah, with dad. Okay. It's less embarrassing all of my mom's

dad. Right. Exactly. It makes it seem like you're there supporting him. Well, according to the TLC rules, I'm technically not a scrub anymore. Very good. Very good. It's important to follow the TLC rules. Don't be a scrub and don't go chasing waterfalls. Right. Right. Are you are you are you a pretty good artist? Like what kind of paint do you are? It's acrylic. And I really mostly teach like new painters. So it's like you sign up for a night and like you with the date and you have

to get drunk and you paint and stuff. That's cool. You get a lot of paint pussy. Not really.

I don't, I don't try because I feel creepy if I try to like hit on the guests and I try to

“I like being employed. Oh, yeah. But other than that. Amazing. Where can people find your art”

at Mr. Journey? I wish I don't paint that often. Oh, wow. Quite the, quite the salesman. Yeah. Okay. The focus in horror on comedy more nice. Yeah. You're very, very good at it. Thank you. Keep it up. Sign up again sometime. Jonathan Journey again. Good to see. We're going to, we're at the end of the episode. So we're going to keep it moving. Thank you so much. Sign up again. Jonathan Journey again. A funny man.

Get him a big joke book. There we go. My ran out of big jokes book. It's been such a good up. You know what's the good up? So when I ran out of big joke books. All right. Everybody we've made it to the final part of the show. William Montgomery is sick. Ari Maddie is adding Monday shows to his soul now weekends on the road taking full advantage of the kill Sony pump. Well, not showing up for the thing that could make him so famous.

But luckily for you guys, we have one more superstar that's on the super rise. Everybody.

Every single week. This guy does more than a minute. It's amazing to watch.

He was once the dirt storm of Atlanta. And now he's the dirt storm of Austin, Texas. Makes the noise for the right thing. Star. Dendric Plain Ladies and gentlemen. Honestly, I'm not a lot of y'all. I got some beef for Austin, Texas. I don't want to be the dog. Some of Austin, Texas is no more. How y'all been treating me. Because right now, I'm homeless and I'm going to rich his homeless nigga in Austin, Texas.

I applied for three houses to move into. And one of the houses texting me no matter what space thumbs I said them. I said, I'm doing good right now. One of them hit me back and they said, your credit is bad. What the landlord's going is for you to write an essay about why your credit is bad. And what you intend to do about it. Nigger, this is the essay. I was poor. Now I'm not.

“That's why I moved here, bitch. Did you look at anything? Did you Google me at all?”

I was homeless before. And now I'm not. But you want me to write it. Nigger, that feel like slavery to me. You want me to write you an essay about why I was poor. And why my nigger credit wasn't real. And it's still not to me. I don't need credit. I'm making the money. But they want me to write them an essay. That's it. It's what the fuck is Austin, Texas doing. You want me to write you an essay so I can stay in the house. You don't want to live in no more.

You want me to live in there and then pay you money to live. That's it. Actually, let me be homeless. Let me be homeless because honestly, I miss my homeless dick package that I used to give women. I used to fuck good as fuck when I was homeless. I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless. Because you had to fuck a girl so good that she go to sleep. I've been using rich nigger dick for fucking six months, which is mostly like I'm too tired. I just did

I want to get back to that package

You ain't hurt my feel into Nick. I learned I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless. I learned how to fold a fitted blanket when I was I learned how to fold clothes when I was Normally I just wash clothes. I put them on a bed and then I sleep only because my bed is too hard. That's my time. I love you.

Deja Twin ladies and gentlemen. Deep deep and true. It's some insight into the true life of Deja Flint does she hurt my I thought because I was in Texas right and I was a killed Tony

“but that's what I put on application killed Tony regular. Let me yeah I'm making the money to buy the house”

But they told me my credit was too bad and they weren't and then I've never written an essay for pussy

You want me to write an essay so I can live in yoga Awesome Texas right now. Did they did they know did they well I guess your name on the application was Dedric so you think it has anything to do with the possibility that Perhaps you were no Dedric is a German name German chocolate yeah

They said I put Dedric win on there and I thought they would just google me and be like that's okay. Yeah Well we found out recently you call it a heavy debit card. You don't even have a credit card You know I have a heavy debit card right now red white dad don't treat me like this in front of

“Why did I did everything I could not also to ask me why I was poor before as if you never heard a rap song that's what happens”

Listen to Gucci listen to fucking young doll listen to fucking meet meal I was poor and now I'm not that's the end of it. That's every rap song that started

Why you act like this is the first time we've ever heard about black person making his dreams come true

Dedric this is true. Have you been selling that the chains are looking a little tight tonight. Have you been selling links of your gold chains For the down payment of this house. It's certain to look like you're a pit bull or something like that. You already believe Great dog You look like I went back to being a straight dog. All I do is push-ups. I'm a pit bull

Like I'm a good boy, but I'm a bad dog. You know that don't you absolutely like I'm a good Boy, everybody loves they want to pet me, but I'll buy the key That is true What the fuck I have so much gold is this house that you put that you're applying to? Is it doesn't happen to be a dog house that is not even nice It's not even night. How dare you ask me to write an essay is anybody in this audience ever written a essay to rent a place

There are a couple other black people out there. I see them. They all raised their hands at home back here. She's demashed Don't play with me Either play or don't deadric what else is going on in life anything else I just want to say right now that officially I'm the dark storm of Chicago I just sold out four shows out of five in Chicago and I have fucking great time out there

That was fucking fantastic. That's a zaney no man. Yeah, zaney's our date. They were ripping so much fun They told me they sold the most alcohol. They've ever sold in the last three years from my five show Little fun fact about zaneys. I've had line there probably somewhere 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 times or whatever, but at one point I opened up there for Jeffrey Ross I was just a measly opener. Yeah, they looked at me while I'm looking at your fucking they look

My roommate texting me being like, hey, they want to essay while I'm looking at your vote I'm touring because every time I go somewhere you're there and I can see you watching me So I'm like I can't do bad Tony hints clips right there on the wall. I am and I just can't do no bad

“That was that I think of fuck awesome how the fuck you can't hate on the city of Austin by the way”

Yes, I can't know that no way go see if Chicago is going to sell you a nice house without an Looked at it

I was like this is what I'm supposed to be

“Protip deadric don't write them and I say send them your upcoming schedule”

You can literally get your agents to like compile a thing that says when you're doing why my credit score was bad

Has it they never heard a dream come true?

That's true. It happened. They wanted me to write an essay so they could jack off with their races They did a cold. I was like all that and it was poor now you living in my house Create LLC and have the oh I have the LLC and has poor bread, you help me make it. LLC Yeah, he's got littler and littler chains. That's the LLC's got LLC things are strength either those are shrinking or your neck is growing in real time

“you're having an alert to create on the push-ups because these niggas are a lot of want to fight”

Dead trick we love you everybody loves you The richest homeless man in Austin ladies and gentlemen Guys if you've ever listened to anything I tell you I implore you go to Netflix now that the episode is over in Watch take a banana for the ride and without a doubt as you know make sure you watch the Roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th alive on Netflix anything can happen

Maybe someone trimmed up the stairs or fucking whatever the Throw the chocolate on the ground and glass blinds every life. It's as live as it gets On Netflix should it be a lot of fun? Thank you killed Tony. Thank you, Brad bed

Give it up for these incredible musicians tonight

Yeah, Tony. I love you. Thank you. I love you. Let me up to your crazy world. Yeah You're the fucking man one more time for the great Jeff Ross the 7th of February You might stop a bite to go listen to recruiter Let's check it with a local art and criss-cross or see what he drew. It's Jeff Ross everybody Hell yeah, that's absolutely incredible

I can let you know that in the you still have a chance perhaps getting tickets for

Kill Tony restful maniac lost Vegas Nevada. It's an occlude incredible hybrid

of your favorite fucking The greatest fucking entertainment to two of your favorite entertainment sources WWE and KC all together and once Madison Square Garden is now on sale for early August in New York City And we're doing the into it dome

Yeah, that's a May 7th I do believe and then the

“8th 9th at the I think it's the 7th Thursday May 7th at the into it dome the week up and at like”

this is a joke week which ends with a roast of Kevin Hart, Red Band a San Diego be there July 9th or 11th read some friends American comedy code dot com thank you to our sponsors Have a one more time for the best step in the land for Jeff Ross take a banana for the ride Right now every single one of you go watch it keep it on let it run all the way to the end for its retention ratings

We love you guys thank you so much good night [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music]