Hey, you know that nagging voice in your head, the one telling you to put the...
Look up, take a daily curiosity break with shortwave and pair a science podcast. Let your mind wander to the edges of outer space, or wonder about what's lurking in the depths of the sea floor, all in under 15 minutes. Shortwave, your daily mental recent, listen on the empire app or wherever you get your podcasts. She's going to be too tired to commute back that 30 minutes.
“She's going to be going to restaurants, living her life. I think she's going to be thinking about her boyfriend back there back in the suburbs.”
I don't think so. That relationship is over. Oh my god. Well, we're graduating so much now. You know what? Do it every once in advice, show.
Do whatever you want. That is always the caveat. We want an asterisk here.
Hey, it's Marianne Sigada. Welcome to another edition of Dear Life Kit. Where we answer your questions with help from the collective wisdom in our life kit archives. As always, reporter Andy Tagle is here. Hey, Andy. Hey. And we also have our digital editor, Malka Greep here. Hello. All right, Andy. You're going to read some questions for us. Let's hear the first one. All right. Let's do it.
Dear Life Kit. How do I kindly refuse a gift? Our next door neighbor is older and has some ability issues. So my partner and I help where we can. We shovel her sidewalk, dig out her car when it's nose, bring out her trash, and look out for her packages when we know she's away.
These are things I would do for literally anyone, and that I hope someone will do for me when I get older.
Yesterday, she gave us a thank you card with a $50 gift card. I'm touched by the gesture and love the card, but I don't feel comfortable taking the money. For one, we don't need it. Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, we didn't do it for payment. We just want to be good neighbors, and accepting cash for basic kindness doesn't fit into that ethos. But is rude to give it back? How do I demonstrate that I'm honored by her
generosity while making it clear that we want nothing in return? Thanks in advance, aspiring Fred Rogers. You cannot give it back. You can absolutely not give it back. That's correct response. Okay, strong feeling. Thanks for this question, Andy. I'm happy to take this one because I actually have a neighbor, Mr. Norman. He's like in his 80s. We bring them leftovers, and we watch out for them, checking on them, Mrs. Shirley over there. I also check it on her. They do small
things for us in return, right? Mr. Norman comes by and he gives me plants. His son came by and gave us peach ice cream. So we look out for each other, and I try to give him small activities to do so that he feels like he's there's an equal relationship there, based on what I know he can do, right? So I guess the first thing that I want to say is that one of our previous guests, Maya Lau, actually talked about this in a dear life kit from 2023. She's the host of other
people's pockets, a finance podcast, and she was answering a question from a listener who said her partner's parents were way too generous with our money and it made her feel uncomfortable.
Mm. And Lau's response was this. Don't always assume that other people,
people's attitudes toward money are the same as your own. So essentially, like your neighbor is giving you 50 bucks. This might mean a lot to her. It might mean something different to her, and then it does to you, right? To you, you don't need this money, but to her, it might be like, this is like all I have. Yeah, I think just right? Yeah, and it's like if you return it, then it's almost like you're saying that it's insignificant. I don't need this. You know,
“and I know that's not the intention, but that's how it could be received, especially if it's like”
if she feels like this is the only way I can pay you back. I just love that this is a question that was submitted. Like I think this is just such a lovely problem to have. Yeah, that's true. I think you definitely should not give the money back. And I think it's okay to let your neighbor know how you feel. Yeah, exactly. What would you say? My two senses, you know, like thank you so much for this kind gesture. You know, we don't want to take your money, but if you feel when we start
like a neighborhood friendship fund, like why don't we use this to build a free little library or something? You know, like why don't we use this to invest in like more flowers for the neighborhood or something? Wait, wait, wait, would that make her, would that make her neighbor feel bad though? It's like, well, he didn't even need, need or want my money? Like, no, I, like, I feel, we feel uncomfortable taking your money, but like, I would love to use this to invest in our friendship, maybe. Can we take you
out to dinner, maybe? Or, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know about that, Andy. I feel like that's like a little too, like, it's a gratitude. We don't want your money. It's kind of like, um, putting the compliment back on you, kind of like, um, I wonder whether another way to say it is like, thank you so much for the money, like, what a thoughtful gesture and then like, leave it at that.
“And then maybe just say, like, you know, honestly, like, we don't really expect, you know, anything from”
you, we just like love your presence and like reassure them that there's no need to reciprocate and there's no debt. There's no debt and there's like a lot of love there and like they love their relationship and then and then you privately do whatever the heck you want with your, with the 50 bucks, right? Yeah, you maybe you can set up the expectation for next time that just, you know, you really don't
Have to give us money, but don't return the money that they just gave you.
about this yesterday because I have this wrist injury and so I was having a problem with the
“garbage cans outside my building. They're filled with larvae right now and I was like, I'm going”
to have to do something about this, like, how am I going to clean these out? And I was like, if I could have to hire someone to help because I just, I didn't even think immediately of asking anyone, it took me going through being like, I actually can't do this alone to realize like, you know what, I'm just going to ask my downstairs neighbors who, by the way, these are their garbage cans too and it reminded me though that community being a neighbor isn't just about doing
things for other people. It's letting them do things for you too and letting them see you in moments when like you are having a hard time. I also like think about like other creative ways that you
can ask, like everyone likes to have a reciprocal reciprocated relationship. Nobody likes to be like
in debt to someone, right? So like in addition to like telling them, like, please, you're not
“indebted to us, like, we really love you. Think about clearly now you know, your little spidey”
senses on that like, okay, they want to do something for me. So what are some things that I know that they're capable of doing that they might find joy in doing? So Mr. Norman is a woodworker. So like, sometimes I'll like bring over my old IKEA furniture and have him just like tighten things up and he loves that. So he's helping me. I love that you do that, Monica. That's a great idea. We'll have more dear life kit after the break. Okay, so you're driving to work or you're on a walk
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Let's move on to the next question, yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Dear life kit. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He's 30, I'm 26. I live on my own and he currently lives very comfortably with his parents after moving back a few years ago. When I bring up moving in together, he says he's not ready because he wants to earn more money and wants us to be together for longer before moving in together. Currently, we live in the same town, but I want to move closer to work
and more restaurants, which is about a 30-minute drive away. Should I wait until he's ready to move in with me and then this is just a place together or should I move anyway? Same, same, same,
Malika. I'm confused by this question. Okay, so basically our listener is ready to move to a new place
farther away from her boyfriend. But her boyfriend's not ready to do that yet. So she's saying should I hold off from moving away until my boyfriend is ready to move with me or should I just go ahead and move? Don't move anywhere. Just stay where you are, right? She's at the earth. What? No. No. That's not what I'd be saying. No. Okay. No. Okay. I'm just going to be a thought process. Okay. All right. My take was no. My short answer is just like, girl, live your life.
No. What do you want? What? What? Oh my gosh. What? Oh my gosh. She's ready for no reason. Okay. Okay, sorry, keep going. They're not breaking up. She's just moving
“from one apartment to another apartment. My take, moving in together, shouldn't it be rushed?”
It shouldn't be taken lightly and you shouldn't just do it because you think it is the next natural step. And I'm not saying that you can't be ready to do that in less than a year. But personally, I think it's a good sign that this boyfriend is pumping the brakes a little bit. Also, I'm assuming that you want to move in with the idea of staying moved in together for the long haul, right? Which means there's a whole lot of cohabitation in the future. No need to rush.
Right. I want to offer a reframe here, which is think of this as like a last hurrah, an opportunity to embrace your independence to the fullest, like a living just for me, era. I guess my my question is does he want to win the city? No, we don't. We don't know. I mean, because yeah, I could see it causing an issue maybe if he hates the city and she's now moving to the city. That's more of like a compatibility issue talking about where you guys want to be long term. But yeah, you can't wait
For someone else to it's pretty real life on hold, eventually.
Right. You can live in this other place and still date your boyfriend, like you're both making the decisions that make financial sense and emotional sense for you right now. And then when you're ready to when you're both ready to move in together, then you'll move in together. I see, you know, I've come around. I've come around and I understand the point now. What were you thinking
before? Here's what I was thinking. I was thinking that like she was going to like live her life
“without him and like leave him in the dust in the awful stuff. I don't think that's what she”
implied. Yeah. I don't think she meant that. I would maybe interrogate myself if I was thinking about doing this that like am I in any way moving because I want to pressure him to move in with me sooner than he's ready. Like am I going to dangle the idea of moving as a, well, I'm going to move that. I'm going to move by myself and I'm going to be 30 minutes away from you. So I guess that's just what's going to happen. Like don't just threaten it, you know, because you want him to move
in with you sooner because Andy, like you were saying it's if someone's not ready to move in with you, you don't want to move in with them. I agree with you guys. I do feel like they it does sound a little
bit like there may be a mismatch in priorities and where things are going now. Like it's not
like work and like going out and like going to restaurants and being on the town might be a little bit of a priority and 30 minutes is quite a long time. I agree on the mismatch priorities. You know, we had an episode about this about moving in together. We had a great expert for this. Her name is Keanu Lewis. She's a sex educator and pleasure mentor and she had a full checklist for us about
“questions you should ask before moving in together. So I think listener, whoever you are, whichever”
way you go, whether you're moving to the city, whether you're staying back, you need to have these conversations and be intentional about this decision because there are a lot of things that you need to consider before moving in. You don't want to be hasty. Like what benefit does moving in together bring to your life and to your relationship? And then just a lot of practical things. Like do you listen to something as you sleep? You know, how dark do you need it to be?
That is something that I did not figure out about my relationship until after we moved in. And my husband and I are diametrically opposed. He sleeps with the light on. No, opposite, he needs absolute like total complete sensory deprivation. Same. But then also these bigger things, you know, like it seems like he has a lot of money values. You need to line up on this. Yeah, we have lots of life kit episodes on that. Not just about if you're about to move
in together, but if you're in a relationship and you're talking about money, what questions to ask each other, how to figure out if you're compatible, long-term, and short-term. Listener, please don't get mad at my reaction. That's it. Another asterisk that will add to every episode. Don't get mad at Malika. She's just saying how she feels. We'll have one more listener question after the break.
It's hard to refine your taste when everything in your algorithm is buying for your attention. Is that influenced or you follow giving you the right advice? Let's should be actually if you pay attention to our social media feeds. This week on its been a minute, culture, critic, and host of the new podcast feedback. I remat it's in the third, takes our hand, and shows us the way. Watch the full, it's been a minute episode on YouTube,
or listen in the MPR app, or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, let's question. Dear life kit, I'm a romantic and asexual. So I have no interest in dating or sexuality, but now that I'm in my 30s, I'm seeing more and more of my peers get married and have kids, and I'm feeling more and more isolated. This year, my twin brother got married.
I feel like I'll never count as an adult because I'm not going to quote graduate to being or having
a spouse. I don't know how to cope with the intensity of the alienation, even when I'm surrounded
“by my family and friends. What can I do to understand my place in the world better?”
That's painful. It's a painful place to live to you. Yeah, there are a lot of people who are in the same situation as you. They may be a romantic or asexual. They may just not have found the partner who's a good fit for them. There are a lot of people who've decided not to have kids. We did an episode on how to be child-free, and part of that was about building your village. One thing that comes up a lot is like, everyone says, "I want to go to a dinner party,
or I had friends who hosted something like that, but you could be that person." Even if you just have one or two people in your life who you really enjoy hanging out with, invite them over. You can also create a routine with people who don't even have to know each other. Like, I did this with a group of friends who I introduce them all to each other. We have a monthly community dinner, and we know to expect it. The word that stuck out to me was graduate. Yes. Because I was like,
Who hands out the diplomas for adulthood?
not going to be a partner, or you don't have kids. I know a ton of married people who are not grown-ups. There's a lot of parents who are lonely a lot of the time. There are a lot of people who are married, or a partner who are lonely a lot at the time. Not to say that your feelings are totally valid, but you also don't have to choose to live in them. I think Maryel's advice is very sound. You don't have to keep going to couples activities. You can turn down the invitations that
“don't feel good. Turn down the places that don't feel good. I feel like that's what graduating”
to adulthood is. I think what ends up happening is that if you're not married and you don't have
kids, you end up feeling like just an extra like a plus one. The third wheel, the fourth wheel,
whatever, to somebody else's family. And I think what can be painful is that a lot of people when they get to a certain age, they get married, they have kids, they create their own little families. And so if you don't do those things, then you feel like you don't have your own little family. You're like, I'm just out here, popping around on my own, but you can create your own family. It's just going to look different. And these can be people, your own age. They can be people older
“than you. They can be people younger than you. You're someone who people want to have around”
regardless of who you bring with you. And you can build your own family. It just takes time. Snap to that. And specifically around the aromantic asexual part, we did an episode about celibacy. And this was about taking a period of celibacy. It wasn't necessarily for people who are asexual, but it was for people who just wanted to pause the pursuit of sex and romance for a time. And I thought it was really beautiful hearing people talk about what
that did for them. It basically allows you to experience all the other pleasures of life.
And they almost get like turned up when you're eating like a really fresh, ripe peach or like a beautiful raspberry, or you're playing a sport. It's about feeling the sensations of your body. And so that is all available to you too. Your aromantic and asexual, but that doesn't mean you can't live your life in color and experience pleasure. I love that. Good luck to you. We know you'll find your people. And find your people. Alright, that's our show. If you have a question for life kit,
send it to us. We want to hear your questions about money, about health, about staying organized, exercising, breakups, difficult friends, whatever you got. Go to npr.org/derlifekit to submit your question. Or even better, record yourself asking it so we can play it on the show. And you can send the file to [email protected]. This episode of Lifekit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our digital editor is Malika Greep. Our visual editor is CJ Rekalan. Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor
and Lauren Gonzalez is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Claire Marie Schneider, Margaret Serenao, and Kayla Latamore. Engineering Support comes from Travis Hagan. I'm Marielle Sagarra. Thanks for listening. This is Terry Gross. I just interviewed Jason Seagull about playing a therapist on a series shrinking his own therapy and his muppets movie. I love how you call me the human star of the muppets.
Especially since you've said you sometimes feel like a muppet. Listen on the npr app or wherever you listen to fresh air. The midterms are coming and if you think the new cycle feels intense
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