When your best friend tells you to stop texting her

left in the family's garage. "It told me you've not made me cry." Antonio Jr. left home to join a protest in Seattle. A week later, he was shot and killed there. "I need some a ref made, just as for my son." Listen to "We Keep Us Safe" on the Embedded Podcast from NPR.

“I was telling Megan all about this. I was dog-sitting for three days. Really?”

I feel like I don't have the, what's the word, the stamina, the, the, the, like, constitution. I was starting to be like, "Can I have a baby?" Like, if I can't even do this for three days. Anyhow, they say, "It's one of those things, like, when it's your dog, it's different."

Like, when it's your baby, it's different. Yeah. It was never a kid person. I just remember being like,

"They're just sticky." All the time. "Where are they always sticky?" And now my kid is always sticky. And I'm like, "Yeah." Fine with it. You get conditioned to being a gross SESPIT and like always having like a jam and yoga. I know that you're selling it. Yeah. I don't know if you're selling it, all right. Hello and welcome to another edition of Dear Lifekit, this series where you send us your questions and we try to dull out some helpful advice with help from the collective wisdom in our

archives. I am Mary Elsa Gata and as always for Dear Lifekit, reporter Andy Tagle is here. Hey Andy. Hey. And we've also got our digital editor, Monica Greep here. What's up? Hello. Hello. Hey, I like your Dodgers jersey. Me too. It's the Filipino edition. Oh, envy. Cool. A lot of envy. If you have a question for us, please get in touch. Write us or record yourself asking your question

“and email the file to [email protected]. Okay, Andy. Let's get started. What's our first question?”

All right. Let's do it. So, Lizeth Wright's. My best friend is expecting her first child.

And we live in different countries. I want to be supportive, but my friend was clear in setting a boundary. No texts or communication until she appears with news when she has time and energy to do it. I just want to be a good friend, but I miss her. How can I be supportive or spectrum boundaries, but still be there even in the distance? I'm a child this person and I don't plan to have kids, but being anti with my friends child would be a dream. Mm. Wow. That sounds

painful. Can I just say this sounds like a red flag for me for the friend like is she okay? Is the friend okay? Like, this is a long distance friendship already. Like, long distance friendship is what sharing memes with each other, sending those Instagram videos to each other. How do you feel right now? Are you okay to mean anything and like not wanting any of that communication

“is kind of wild for a best friend dynamic? Or like, this is when just not know what's going to happen.”

Like, I'm thinking like, first baby on the way, there's a very high possibility. If this is really what they think they need, there's a very high possibility. If this person is really your best friend, that that's going to change. So like, if it were me, if this was my best friend telling me this, I'd be like, okay, I'm going to do my best to respect what you think that you need. But I'm going to send you a giant care package and then that giant care package, there's going to

be like a menu of options. Yeah. Yeah. That menu of options. It's going to be like a plane ticket. It's going to be like ready to go. A diaper delivery. It's going to be a, you know, like a food train, whatever. And you know, the other thing I might do is I'm going to like call that panel of experts that knows her. You know, I'm going to call your partner. I'm going to call your mom. I'm going to be like, if you can, you know, like, absolutely. This is a strange request with a baby on a way.

And although you can send something like a care package, like you said, Andy, and just be clear that they don't need to respond totally. Yeah. I will say though, like, the desire to be a supportive adult in a kid's life. I mean, it makes a lot of sense. And you mentioned that you don't have children and you don't plan to. We actually did an episode on being child free. And one of the points that people made was just because your child free doesn't mean you don't like

kids. And in fact, like kids are often a part of your community. And you want to play a role in their lives, just not as their guardian. So that impulse makes a lot of sense. But this might not be the right child and the right family to do that with right now. And there are people that you'll meet who you haven't even met yet, who you could become an auntie to. So just look out for those opportunities too. And like share your love where it's appreciated. Don't put all your eggs in this

basket. Yeah, that's true. Never put all your eggs in one friendship basket.

The NPR network has always been powered by the people it serves, not by shareholders or special interests, but by people like you and me who believe in a free and independent press. One year ago this month, Congress eliminated federal funding for public media. Together, we continue the kind of journalism that we, the public rely on,

Every story from shortwave and pure science podcasts starts with a question. Like, why do we have

nightmares? How does AI affect my energy bill? At NPR, we are here for your right to be curious about the world around you. Follow shortwave wherever you get your podcast because the more you ask, the more interesting the world gets. This week on newsmakers, I'm surprised you even had me on. Cleaning in Bill Mar on his Mark Plain Award and the lost art of political debate,

just engaged with the argument. Tell me if I'm wrong about something and then we're going to be cool, but that's not what either extreme does in this country anymore. Bill Mar on this week's newsmakers watch or listen wherever you get your podcasts. All right, next question. Next question. All right, Ryan writes, "I am a single father of two kids, a girl, 13, and a boy, 11. Both play in a variety of sports. We spend countless hours, days, and weekends,

at competitions, tournaments, practices, games, and other gatherings. Personally,

“I think they should be spending more time improving themselves in their sports independently.”

But their mother, things being enrolled in an activity is important to their improvement and to limit screen time. She often dismisses my concerns with it's just a busy time in our life. It's exhausting spending three to five hours a day supporting these activities on how of everything else I have to do. The financial side is also ridiculous. I don't know how families do this, especially single parents. How can I navigate this with my children?

I want to be supportive, however, at what cost to my mental, physical, and emotional well-being. I hear this a lot. That's a big no for me. Yeah, I'm not doing that. But I'm also like not like the most, I'm just thinking about myself. I'm also like the most motivated to do a lot of extracurriculars. I'm curious to hear about what you all will say. Wait a minute, Monica, you do all sorts of extracurriculars. I know, I know, I know, I can't believe you do. I don't realize extracurriculars.

Organized ones. Okay. I'm not doing like being okay. Are you just saying sports? Like you just not be on sports? I just think that it's so tiring for the parent and for the kid. But I don't want to just hear what y'all have to say for more. Just to that point, Monica, I feel like what you're

“getting at is that you do a lot of unstructured play. You'll be like, what do I feel like doing?”

You let yourself get bored for maybe a microsecond. And then you're like, I'm going to build a fountain in my backyard, but like all these ideas are coming from you. Nobody told you to do them. Right. And they come when you got a little bored, which that is definitely an asset for kids, I think. What I was going to tell Brian is that I'm like, I'm just I'm tired for him. Poor Brian. It sounds definitely like both Brian and his kids are pretty over-scheduled.

So the first thing I'm wondering is how do your kids feel about that? I feel like, you know,

ages 11 and 13, that feels all enough to have at least some say in these scheduling decisions. That's often our first takeaway at life kit is, consider why you're doing this. Do you actually enjoy that? They like actually talented and sports. If they're not talented, take them out. Just kidding. Oh my god. I don't know about all that. But I just hear this note though. They're like, yeah, a lot of the, one refrain that I hear from parent friends here in my community in Nashville

is that like, organized sports for children is so intense. You know, everyone thinks that they're raising like a little NFL player, you know, and that's not going to be the story of everybody. There's got to be some kind of like lower key, middle ground level of organized sports activity that is just a little chiller than others. But I don't think it's necessarily about them having to be good at it. I do like do they enjoy it? Do they enjoy being all of these sports?

Then from there, first, your time is as valuable as theirs, like period, full stop. Love that.

“If you're going to keep this schedule at the very least, you have to carve out some dedicated parent”

PTO. This is something we talk about a lot. Every parent deserves to protect a few hours, a day of the week, a weekend, every month, whatever feels actually achievable and maintainable just for you. But I also think it's totally fair to go to your kids, to go to their mom and say, you know, let's just pick one sport. If we're going to, if you need a sport, if you need that organized activity, one sport per kid per season. Like I'm a parent, but I'm also a person. I want

you to be involved, but I shouldn't have to spend every free waking moment acting like a shuttle service or an equipment manager. I think that also teaches kids how to make priorities, right, because as adults, they're going to have limited income, like most people, and they're going to have limited time, like all of us. And so they need to start learning how to budget those things.

going to say is because is like, the mom was talking about, like, they need to be scheduled, because they need to be away from their tech. And so along the lines, my last suggestion was about an episode we did for how to be better screen time role models for kids. I interviewed this researcher Georgine Twangy. She has these 10 rules for raising kids in a high tech world. And one of them was in the absence of devices, give your kids real world freedom to help them be more independent.

So for example, let them go to the grocery store, like letting them bite to the grocery store, if it's close enough, having them get the groceries, having them bring them home, having them cook dinner with those free afternoons. Yeah. And then two for one, Dad, you don't have to cook dinner. Cooking skills are much more important for the average adult than soccer skills. Dang! She said it. During the world cup season, no love. I know. Mary else

“together. Just kidding. Just kidding. Andy, what does it get to our next question?”

Yes, I will. Okay. Our next question. Do you like it? After a pleasant four-way conversation with my wife, my pregnant daughter and my son-in-law, we all say, "Love you by" or something to that effect. Recently, my son-in-law started embellishing the phrase by saying, "Love you. Bye. Send money." But I don't know if you serious or... I don't know if you serious or joking.

We've given them money in the past, but we've never been specifically asked for it.

How do I respond? Wow. He's bold. He's bold. Yes, Malica. Please. Yeah. Okay. So there's two things here. One is that I love that he's in a relationship with his father-in-law, where he can tell him he loves him. Let's give him his flowers for that. Okay? I think if there's no way around this other than to just pull him aside, address the elephant in the room and say in a kind way, like, "I noticed you've been joking about meeting money. Are you guys okay? Are you in a tough financial

“spot?" And I think just like addressing it right there, hopefully tells the son-in-law like,”

"Okay, yeah, that might have been an awkward joke to make." And we'll shut the joke down. But then it also shows the son-in-law that, "Yeah, the father-in-law, he hears what he's puttin' down and he's addressing the issue." Right. I think conversation is often the answer when it comes to money, awkwardness. So many things get weird because people don't want to talk about money. It's awkward talking about money though. I hate talking about money. Yeah. Are you love talking

about money, Mary? I love talking about money. I kind of do. I don't know. I think like, we actually just did an episode on financial guilt. And one piece of advice that Lauren Williams, the financial planner gave us is if you are going to give money to someone in your family or your friend,

first think about how much you want to give and kind of forward to give before you have a conversation

with them or ideally before they even ask you because that can help you make decisions from a place of tapping into your values and from a clear-headed place versus making decisions from a place of guilt and pressure. Yeah. Absolutely. Would we want them to pay us back? What would we be willing to give them money for? All of those things to like, you're on the same page when you go to them

“and you have your clear boundary set up. I think it all starts with a conversation.”

Each story you hear on planet money starts with a question. What happens if we refund tariffs? Why are grocery so expensive? An NPR we stand for your right to be curious because the forces shaping our world can be hard to see. Follow NPR's planet money wherever you get your podcasts and start seeing how the economy really works. All right, Andy. Last question. Okay, let's do it. Dear life kid, my husband and I have dear friends that we've known for about a decade. We love them both.

They're kind and generous, but every time we're with them, she's mean to her husband. She gets

super irritable and critical and he's clearly stepping on eggshells and super differential.

Do I risk our friendship by pulling her aside and confronting her? I know marriages are private and challenging, but it's so uncomfortable and sad to witness her kind of down. Yeah. Yikes. I mean, obviously we don't know what's happening behind the scenes. I mean, there are two options here, right? You could talk to her. You could talk to him. Either way, one way to start is by telling them how much you value them and the friendship. That's advice we've gotten from the psychologist

Marissa Franco in an episode about conflict in friendship because that signals the reason you're bringing the issue up is because you're invested in them and because you care about them. So you could go to the the wife and say, hey, I really value our friendship and there's something I want to talk about. I've noticed a few times recently that you put Tim down when we're all hanging

to the husband saying something similar. Like, I noticed Tammy puts you down a lot in front of us. Are you okay? Do you want to talk? Even if they don't want to talk, you can tell them that it makes you uncomfortable and make the request that they don't do it in front of you. I think that's all really good advice, Mariel. Plus one, no changes, no comment. Andy has comment. I don't have on it. I think other people's marriages are such tricky territory. Yeah. This is true. You're very

“best friend in the world. Maybe you can say something very gently one time. And I think you should”

still prepare for it to backfire. Because if you're wrong, because if you caught them at the wrong time, because if you're just seeing that sliver, like you said, Mariel, you have no idea. What's happening to the rest of their life. Actually, how do you have this dear life kit once? I don't remember the exact context. So maybe you can try to remember, maybe this will jog your memory. But it was something about how just support your friend. You don't have to try to fix

what's going on between the friend and the spouse. Just ask the friend, like, how you do in? - And are you okay? How have you been like, like, like, the ticket you out? - That's what it was. It was like, my job as a student.

- Yeah, but it also like support the friend who's hurting. - It's like, you can be right,

but your friends are never gonna thank you for that.

You know, like, what good will come from that? Like, of you pointing that out, right? Like, they need to come from them. It needs to come from their own heart basically. And all you can do is be ready to help them, help them through it.

But staying, they're awful doesn't help

“in the situation of personal relationship, you know?”

- If they're like energy vampires too, and like you're not feeling refreshed, hang out with them, then also you're totally okay for you to put a little distance between yourselves, you know? Pull back.

- Right. - Okay, before we go, Monica, let's share a comment that we got in response to our last episode of Dear Life Kit. And this comes from a listener on Spotify. - Yes, this was someone who was reacting

to the questionnaire last episode where someone was dealing with extra responsibilities at work. Basically, they were picking up a lot of slack because a colleague was out. One of our Spotify listeners had this suggestion.

Say to your boss, here are the things I am working on, which of these things should I hold off on,

“so I can take on this other responsibility.”

If the answer is do it all,

then the conversation should become about additional pay or title. - Dang. - I love that. - It's one of those, like, expert level.

- Yeah. - Yes. - If this, then that, you know. - So for the toolbox, yeah. - Mm-hmm.

- Adding it. (upbeat music) - All right, once again, if you have a question for Life Kit send it to us, we wanna hear your questions about money,

about healthcare, about staying organized, about messy breakups or annoying friends, whatever you got. Email us your question or record yourself asking it and send the file to [email protected]. I'm Mary Elsa Garra, thanks for listening.

(upbeat music) - From the light bulb to the internet, human history has been driven by innovation and shortwave is exploring how the technology of tomorrow will transform our future.

Would you write in a flying taxi? Will AI models fight wars? Here about the technological frontier, every Monday on Tech Camp, the new series from shortwave. Listen on the Empire app or wherever you get your podcasts.

- These days, it feels like the news changes every hour. Well, NPR has a podcast that does that too. NPR news now brings you a fresh five-minute episode every hour of the day with the latest,

most important headlines in episodes

that are clear, fact-based and easy to digest. Listen to NPR news now on the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts. - The Emmy nominations are here. We're unpacking record-breaking nominations for hacks

plus a big day for the pit and newcomers like Widow's Bay. We'll talk about some snubs and make some early predictions of who will win. Listen to pop culture happy hour of I of the NPR app or wherever you get your podcasts.