You can have a good divorce

When a high school student disappears from a small Nevada town,

“a story of betrayal and shocking confessions emerges,”

hosted by "Dateline's Keith Morrison," searched "Five Miles From Home" to "Follow Now." It's interesting when I use the phrase "first" my first husband, my dear first husband, people assume he's dead. Mm-hmm. He's not dead.

But if he were, we would speak about him. In a way that had so much kindness and compassion and regard and respect, he isn't someone I want to ex-off this planet or out of our family,

he is a wonderful influence and support to our children.

And I would never wish that he were gone.

You're listening to LifeKit. I'm Mary Elsa Gattra. And that was Karen McNany, certified divorce coach and certified co-parenting specialist, talking about why she doesn't call her former husband her ex.

Karen wrote a book called "The Good Divorce." How to end your marriage without ending your family. The best time to talk about divorce is before you need to talk about divorce. But when you go into a marriage or you're engaged,

it's hard to talk about divorce because your soon-to-be spouse is like, "What are you planning to divorce?" I mean, like, you're already thinking about this?

Right. It has this big negative connotation

and, you know, my metaphor for that is, every time we fly, they say take out the safety card and the back seat pocket, and we're gonna review together. What to do should there be turbulence? If this plane is going down and we don't sit there

and think, "Why is this airline so pessimistic? "Why are they planning for us to crash? "Why do they do it every time? "We know the drill, but nope." We want you to be prepared, want to expect.

So, I feel like the book is the safety card for marriage. When people get married, they tend to think of it as a forever commitment, but, of course, divorce happens. Now, Karen says the paradigm of a good divorce

will not work for everyone.

And I want to be really clear and compassionate about those who find themselves in marriages where there's active addiction or abuse or domestic violence or coercion or unmanaged mental health issues. There are times where, you know, skipping off into the sunset

and a good divorce, amicable, collaborative process is not possible and maybe not even appropriate. But I think there are many more of us that just need to get unmarried. And we don't have all of that other trauma

who, if we knew that there was a different exit strategy, we would take it.

“On this episode of LifeKit, what it means to have a good divorce?”

You actually say divorce is a tool and not a weapon. Mm-hmm. Yeah. How did you come to that realization? As I was facing down my own divorce, which is now been

about 15 years ago, I was so afraid of what was on offer. Oh, I'm set for a future of destruction and despair and high debt and a lifetime of resentment. I'm like, I cannot become enemies with the father of our children. So we had to really change the framework and the thinking.

And I thought to weaponize is so destructive, but if we looked at divorce as a tool, we're going to renovate and transform this family. We're not going to destroy it. That's a very different paradigm to start from.

And if you don't have children, I don't see any reason why you cannot take the same path that is less destructive. You know, those who don't share children get a little more of a clean break, they get to walk away and not necessarily stay connected. But maybe you own a business together.

Maybe you became best friends with your brother-in-law. So lots of ways to dissolve without destruction. And it sounds like there are ways forward where you could end up still being friends, where you could just be, you know, cordial to each other.

We're co-parents. It depends on the relationship itself and what you started with.

“Oh, I think you're exactly right, Marilyn.”

And I like to remind people you don't have to be friends, but can you be friendly? And it's not only the relationship that we had when we recording each other, falling in love, getting married, having our children.

But it really is identifying, early enough, that the marriage is starting to deteriorate. A lot of us wait too long until the core relationship

I think in part because we don't have much social permission

to change our marital status. We're all about change in this culture.

“Change where you live, change your job, change your major,”

change your hairdo, change change change change. But don't change your marital status. And as a result of that, not only do we stay too long, but during that extended stay of resistance to make an elegant exit, we start building a case against our current spouse.

Because we feel we have to justify why we're walking out the door. Take away one, think of divorce as a tool, not a weapon, a tool to change your life, to be happier, to develop a better copier-ending relationship, to get distance from a dynamic that's not working

and is dragging you and your spouse down. And if divorce is a tool, it's a good idea to pull it out of the box sooner rather than later, to start the process before you and your spouse hate each other. Of course, their instances where an amicable,

collaborative divorce process is not possible or appropriate, but a lot of couples could benefit from a good divorce. And to be clear, good divorce doesn't mean easy. This stuff is not easy. It's hard, it's painful, there's grief, it's very challenging,

even under the best of conditions. But after the paperwork is done, after the ink has dried, the assets have been divided. Can you and your copier sit on the same side of the bleachers during the basketball game?

Can you see yourself still as a partnership and an ability to have thoughtful conversations

“about your kids and what they're going through, what support they need?”

So the good divorce is protecting the future of the family while we dissolve the marriage. And what about if you don't have kids? For those that don't have kids, you're protecting your health, your mental health, your physical health.

What we know is that if we are doubling down with resentment and bitterness, all of that gets stored in the body and shows up in different ways, you deserve a pathway that's less destructive. After the break, we talk about the tenants of a good divorce. 250 years ago, the nation's founders considered a free press,

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and what you actually need. Sign up at npr.org/skincare or find the link in the description for this episode. When you got divorced, you had a therapist give you and your former husband a sort of playbook with tenets. And one of them was, do no more harm.

It was a really powerful reminder when she used those words do no more harm.

There's already been enough harm done, and that was so true. So now we can stop it. We're no longer working on the marriage. You get to move on. And that's actually a very liberating perspective. Yeah, it can be a relief. We don't have to have these fights anymore. Yeah, we don't have to have those fights anymore.

building in conflict. It's a complex emotional journey because we do feel relief of walking away from some of those things and maybe even specifically our spouse and the challenges.

“But with it, there is extraordinary grief that comes with divorce that I think is often underestimated”

and under-supported. If my spouse had died, people would have been checking in with me regularly.

I never would have spent a holiday alone in that first year.

There probably would have been a meal train, but he didn't die. But my marriage died. My family structure died. My identity is a wife and partner died. So much grief through these transformations. So supporting friends in all those ways that you would as if their had been an actual death is doing a lot for your friends who are going through divorce.

So I guess on the side of the person who's getting divorced,

“do you think there's an element of letting your community know that you need support?”

Because it's not always obvious. It's not obvious. And it's awkward. So one of the

tools that I encourage clients to do is to really put a communication strategy together. And it's not just how we tell the kids, but it's also a communication strategy to the grandparents, to the circle of support around the kids, teachers, coaches, mentors, and to our shared community. And under the best conditions, it's really extraordinary when a couple can write that message together.

Not unlike a marriage announcement. But in this case, it sounds more like we've made a really difficult decision. We wanted to let you know. We're not going to court. Don't expect a battle.

Please don't ask us why. Just ask us how we're doing. We're on the same side of the kids.

You don't need to pick sides. And in doing so, we've given everyone the same information as once. It's a unified message that comes from the parent team. And it allows your community to know how best to support you. And it takes all the gossip and wonder about what is going on. And it gives everybody clarity. Take away, too. Do no more harm. You and your spouse may have already done emotional harm to

each other in this breakup process. Commit to doing no more. You can set that tone by sending a joint message to your community, letting them know that they don't need to pick sides. And that you still have respect for each other. And speaking of community, let your friends and family know how they can support you in this moment. They may not immediately know what to do, but if you could use a meal train or help moving into your new place or just some company, tell them.

“Another tenant that therapist gave you was work towards indifference. What does that mean?”

I asked myself the same question in the moment, Marylle. I'm like indifference, does that mean I just don't care? I have no feelings like that's impossible. So I had to go back and really examine what indifference means and what it's come to mean for me is I just don't get triggered. All those pokey hotspots when he says the thing and does the thing that used to just irritate me or or a cumulatively over time kind of led to the disillusion of the marriage.

It now means that, oh, yep, that's just who he is. It's kind of like the stranger on the street, the person and traffic, the individual who cut in front of you in the grocery line, you're like, I'm not even bothered. I'm indifferent. It allows me to emotionally regulate myself from a wiser, more conscious part of my brain so that I'm not constantly triggered and walking around with all these big feelings in reaction to my former spouse. And that my dear is not a light switch

experience that does not happen overnight. That is more like a dimmer switch going up and down and up and down and the gift of time really helps us to to get there. I think that part of this is also about not having the same fight over and over again. Sometimes people get out of relationship and then they're still having the same fights with that person, whether in their head or in real life. It's so true. Yeah, and you don't have to. I mean, I understand if you have kids like

some of the same dynamics might start to show up again, but you have dissolved a lot of your

let them do how they do and you do how you do and just start to accept. Okay, this is how they

roll through the world as long as they're keeping our kids safe and they're not harming them in any way. Like it is what it is. Yeah, I think we forget that our former spouse is the same person

“as our spouse. As you said, like, that's how they roll. And early on as a parent that now your kids”

for 50% of the time potentially, you don't see them. You don't know what they're having for breakfast. You don't know what they were to school that day. What is that other parent doing or choosing? And I can remember being with a friend and just being all torn up about what was or wasn't happening in the other home, which is a really common effect. Yeah, that can happen post-a-vores.

And my friend turned to me and said, are your kids in mortal danger? I mean, of course they're

not. She's like, okay, then if they're having fruit loops and we're in two different shoes, you gotta let it go, Karen. Take away three, work towards indifference. Ideally, that means when your former spouse does something that would have triggered an emotional reaction from you before, it just doesn't anymore. If they show up late or they're sarcastic or their house is a mess,

“none of that is your problem. Now, if you have kids together, yes, you need to make sure that your”

children are safe and free from harm. But the other parent doesn't have to do everything the way you do it. If you don't have kids together, you don't have to stay in touch with this person at all, unless you both want to. Either way, just remember, you don't have to relive all those old fights you used to have, with them in person or in your head. After the break, we talk about splitting

kids into two homes and who to see first when you want a good divorce. It's not an attorney.

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what are some ways to make that change easier for them? Starting with the schedule, thinking about we don't want our kids to be ping-pongs. What can happen is a family rights apparent plan that says kids shall be here and here. I don't even like to call it a custody plan. This sounds like a possession or kids are not possessions. I like to call it a residential schedule. Where are the kids and residents? Being able to let that residential

schedule grow and change and evolve in the moment, but also over time with your children. Our kids were five and seven when we divorced, so it was three or four nights at a time in each home. And then by the time they got to be about eight or ten, it made sense to go a week in each

“residence. After COVID, the kids came to us and said, can we just have two weeks in a house?”

We want to be able to settle in more. Okay, and I know a lot of parents who are so rigid about the schedule that even if grandma comes to town unexpectedly for three days and you turn to spouse and say, hey, can we change things up a little bit? There's no flexibility. That doesn't serve anyone. So I really recommend liberate the calendar in the schedule and let it grow with your kids appropriately and let it bend and flex. The other thing is to really think about gear and how to organize gear.

When kids are young, you can duplicate things across both homes pretty easily. But when it comes to the hockey gear and the ski gear and the bicycles, then those are items that are going to have to be coordinated between parents, not the children's responsibilities, certainly not when they're young. We do the parenting business off stage and then it just magically happens for kids. Take away four. Flexibility is key when you co-parent with a former spouse. Think about what's

best for the kids, not for you. And do the business of parenting privately, not in front of your kids. Also try to make the transitions easier for them. One thing Karen and her former husband did, they didn't call their house as mom's house in dad's house because the kids belonged in both places. So they named the houses after the streets they lived on. You on the other hand might call your

also ask your kids to name them something creative. For folks who are looking for a cooperative divorce and not an acrimonious one,

where can they start? Well, first steps, don't call an attorney. Look for some alternative

“experts, divorce coaching. I think Catherine Woodward Thomas, her book, conscious on coupling,”

teaches us so much about the emotional journey of the relationship rupture that we also really underestimate. We forget that there's a breakup when we're just focused on dividing assets. I think you mentioned in the book there are some models where each spouse has a lawyer but it's still a cooperative friendly environment. The collaborative law movement was designed by an attorney who recognized that he was tired of sitting in courtrooms and watching families destroy each other.

So collaborative law is recognized by the American Bar Association. And the strategy is not so much that like you and your spouse have to be collaborative like you're

“coming to the table all amicable and cooperative. It's really telling the attorneys they need to”

collaborate because attorneys are trained to fight for their client to the death against the opposing counsel. And if that opposing counsel is representing your coperate, well, now we've got trouble that's going to echo for decades. But in collaborative law you each come with your own attorney. You sit at the table together. There's often a neutral financial person at the table helping to talk about those finances and there's also often a mental health professional or a child life

specialist. So you have this wrap around service. And within the good divorce model that I guide people through we work on family and then finances and the attorneys at the very end. I guide couples to write their parenting plan, make their financial decisions, the restructuring of how they're going to live. There's so much pre-work the communication plan. And then we show up at an attorney's office who's willing to do the written legal work and they become much more of an

administrator of divorce. Take away five. If you want a cooperative divorce,

Karen says don't start with an attorney. Seek the advice of other experts first, like a divorce

coach, a licensed marriage and family therapist, or co-parenting specialist. And know that there is a legal model called collaborative law, where you each have an attorney, but you come up with the plan together and also get the help of mental health and parenting specialists. The goal is to reach a settlement without going to court. Given what you know about divorce,

“what questions do you think couples should be asking themselves before they get married?”

One, this is a legal business contract. Really understand what it is that you're saying yes to, not planning a wedding, not the romantic love part, but the business part, which is why I actually think those pre-nupsual agreements that as a culture have been put into this bucket of unromantic, threatening, there is no harm in my opinion and having a pre-nupsual agreement, that even if you decided not to file it or write it out, having the conversation about what

would be in it. What are the implications? Oh, you're bringing in inheritance. What happens if that gets entangled? Oh, what does it mean if we buy this house together? What does it mean if one of us works more and one of us works less? Like we just don't know. And so often when people

arrive at the threshold of divorce, one of the first, they're like, we don't know what we're doing.

We don't know anything about this. Get educated about the business part of it. I would also suggest that we underestimate what it is to be roommates, like life partners in the day to day. What are your value systems around cooking, cleaning, where you spend time, how much alone time you need, like these really fundamental areas of compatibility, because I think it's easy to fall in love and not actually know if you're compatible.

because I am a solo pilot of my life. I very much want to be repartored in a way that is secure and

deep and rich and supportive, and I don't know that the legal, marital construct is something that I would say yes to again. I'm not saying no. I'm saying I don't know.

“But I absolutely hope that I get to say yes to a lifelong commitment with a partner as I believe”

we often are given the opportunity to become a better version of our self through partnership. And that isn't just romantic partnership, but all relationships.

Well, I wish that for you too. Thank you. Karen, thank you so much for this. It's been a delight.

Thank you. Okay, time for a recap. Take away one. Think of divorce as a tool, not a weapon, and pull it out of the box sooner rather than later. Start the process before you and your spouse absolutely hate each other. Take away two. Do no more harm. One way to set that tone is by sending a joint message to your community, telling them they don't need to pick sides, and you still have respect for each other. Take away three. Work towards indifference.

“Take away four. Flexibility is key when you co-parent with a former spouse, and take away five.”

If you want a cooperative divorce, Karen says don't start with an attorney. Instead seek the advice of other experts like a divorce coach, a licensed marriage and family therapist, or a co-parenting specialist, and consider coming to a settlement through a legal model called collaborative law. All right, that's our show. Before we go, what do you think? Would you rate and review life kit in your podcast app? Here's one review from user Serita Pepita. What a cute name.

I love life kits so much. They always have interesting topics that help me learn,

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