You don't have to use dating apps. But if you do - some tips!

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Hey, it's Marianne. I want you to raise your hand if you've been personally victimized by dating apps. Yeah, that's a mean girl's reference.

“I am a millennial, sue me, but seriously, why is it that so many people hate dating apps?”

Absolutely hate them, but still feel like they have to be on them. I recently just did a talk in New York in a lot of people. It was on relationship science and the factors of interpersonal attraction. This is relationship scientist and marriage and family therapist, Marisa Cohen. I had a line of people that came up to me at the end of the talk and they were saying,

"Feel like I have to be on the apps." It feels like everyone is meeting that way or there's the expectation that I can only find my partner using this approach. Now we've done a whole episode on how to date outside of the apps and I'm a big proponent of that, but a lot of people still want to try them, and as Marisa puts it, they can be an access point,

a way to meet people that you wouldn't otherwise. There's going to be some that you click with, some that you don't, and some that you certainly just do not want to have ever crossed paths with. But it seems like the key is keeping the apps in perspective.

“They are not the only way you can meet people.”

They are not a second job you're supposed to take on.

You can get addicted to them, and you may be using them for the wrong reasons. You think and say you're looking for a romantic connection, but actually you're looking for validation, or you've got sucked into the game. On this episode of LifeKit, I talked to Marisa about how to have a healthier relationship with dating apps.

If you are going to use them, we'll talk about how to set boundaries for yourself around the apps. How to be clear about what you want, and waste as little time as possible in the dating app messaging vortex, and we'll also go through the signs that your app use is becoming unhealthy.

That's coming up after the break. When I was using the apps, I noticed that I felt drawn in by them in a similar way that I feel drawn in by my phone in general, then they can have an addictive quality, and I would often find myself swiping mindlessly, and also just feeling bad after every time I opened the app.

A hundred percent. I mean, dating apps just like with any other app, it's game of art. You know, you'll get notifications, maybe it's depending upon what app you're using. Someone sent you a like, someone sent you a rose, and it's a little dopamine hit every time you get that notification, so it keeps you in it, and there's intermittent reinforcement,

which is basically the same principles that slot machines operate under.

So we're always waiting for that hit, that like, that match, and it certainly can keep

us in this cycle of always being on your phone, always staying connected, and then beyond that, a lot of people approach dating apps, almost with this fear of what if I'm not active and the person that I click with or the person that I'm supposed to meet, and I'm putting that in air quotes, is on the app and active at that time, and I'm not there to talk to them.

So it almost keeps people in this place of meetings, a constantly monitor, who's new on the app, who's sending messages, and it can really just take a lot of time and energy. I know a lot of people will fill up their social calendar completely with dates, and then this ends up feeling like a second job. Exactly.

I actually had a friend who during grad school, her mantra was, it's a numbers game, it's a numbers game, and she used to set it up that she wanted to meet every single potential partner in her dating bowl, and she would go for a lunch date and dinner date, six out of seven days of the week, and which is like, let me cycle through as many of my matches as quickly as possible, and she really just wound up getting burnt out pretty quickly.

And there's some ways people can set boundaries around the apps.

“So I think that, you know, it depends upon the person and what feels comfortable for them.”

You know, some people, it might look like engaging with the apps just for a limited amount of time per day, or only certain days of the week, or maybe just opening up their profiles one time per week, or a couple of times per month, again, you really have to get a sense

Am I starting to approach these dates in a frustrated way that won't lead to a good outcome?

“And then based upon that, that's how you set your boundary.”

For some people, it just helps them to take a break entirely for a specified period of time, which is until they feel ready to approach dating again, that's perfectly fine as well. I wonder if it can help to say, and this might be a little hard to track, but if you've said to yourself, like, all right, if I'm going to use the dating apps, I'm only allowed

to swipe on, I don't know, 20 people today. That can be helpful, because a lot of people just kind of like, it's like, almost becomes a fun game, and people are kind of quickly going through the profiles often, just looking at the photo, and maybe just like a tagline, and they aren't reading the actual bios.

So if you swipe too quickly, you're potentially missing out on some incredible people

that had you otherwise met them, let's say, like, through friends, or started a conversation with them in the real world, you might have actually been interested in them, because there's that whole idea of, there's an infinite number of people in my dating pool. So I can just like quickly go through hundreds of profiles, especially if you're in like a large urban area, like you're sitting at your boss, dinner Philadelphia, it's like there's so

many people on the app that you can just, it can become a game. Take away one, set boundaries with yourself around your app use, dating apps are gamified to keep you coming back, make sure you're using them, not letting them use you. Consider time blocking, for instance, you could say I'm only going to open these apps at a designated time for half an hour, and then block them the rest of the time, or you

could try limiting your number of swipes. Like I'm only going to swipe on 15 people tonight, or whatever number you choose. After that, I'm closing the app. The idea here is to embrace a slower pace to dating, and to not let the fear of missing out drive your behavior.

It seems like it's a good idea if you're using dating apps to also be really honest with yourself about what you're using them for. Absolutely. I think that some people are just scrolling through them, just kind of surveying, like who's potentially out there for me, but like what's what's the end goal here?

Are you looking for a relationship, and what type of relationship are you looking for? And it's also helpful to make sure that your profile matches your true intentions.

And that's the first thing I tell people is, you know, a lot of people try to optimize

their profile, so they're going to get presented to as many people as possible. And they're trying to like, figure out, well, what is it in my profile that will stand out to others? What might they want? But if that doesn't accurately represent who you are as a person, that match isn't

going to work out for you in the long run anyway. Yeah, you're just making the whole experience more chaotic for yourself and for them. Exactly.

“And that's why people get frustrated because they see these profiles.”

And maybe pick up on one aspect of them, start to engage in conversation and everything seems great, great, great. But then all of a sudden, when you meet in person, you find out that this individual doesn't sure the same interests, or, you know, maybe hyped up and aspect of their life that you were really attracted to, and then that's not really a big part of their life.

So, represent yourselves as you are because that's how you're going to attract the kind of people who are appreciating you. Take away two, be clear with yourself about why you're using the apps. Ask yourself in an ideal scenario, what are you hoping to find on the apps? Love, sex, friendship, validation, excitement, and what are you actually finding?

And then be clear with other people in your profile and in your conversations. What are some examples of ways to be more direct in your profile? Look, a profile is difficult because it's static and human beings are dynamic, of course. So it's really hard to showcase your true personality in a way that's going to, really like, allow yourself to shine through on a little bio.

But I tell people to make sure that, like, most people spend time on photos, most time

“on photos, and that's what they're making a lot of their decisions on, unfortunately.”

But showcase in your photos, different aspects of your life that are important to you. If you are someone who doesn't like to travel, but you perceive that, you know, people want to hear that you're a world traveler, so you put as your main photo that one time you went on vacation, that's not a great representation of you. So showcase if you're an animal lover, it should be a picture with like your dog or cat

like display the aspects of your life that are important, and then in your bio, just also make sure that it matches and you reflect that.

One thing I always hated was messaging with strangers and making small talk for who knows

how long. So I started writing in my profile, I don't like to be on my phone a lot, so if we match, let's set up a quick video call to feel out the vibe and see if we want to meet in person. I love that. I tell people that they should get to the first date as quickly as they can, that they

feel comfortable with. That's kind of like that first, almost screener of, are we able to hold the conversation rather than just become pen pals?

“But I think that, you know, going on these like long, protracted conversations through the”

app or even texting, that's not really helping you learn who the person is. You really have to assess that compatibility, face to face. Yeah, it's so awkward when you meet somebody who you've been texting with, and then you're like, you don't really look like a picture, or you just don't, your vibe is weird, or I don't like the way you smell.

Right, right. Well, I mean, you kind of like develop this back and forth rapport with a person and people sometimes have texting behaviors that match their personality, sometimes they don't. What you really need to see is this someone that I enjoy engaging with and can see myself

continuing to date them, and you're not going to really be able to sus that out through texting alone. Take away three. Save yourself time and energy by cutting down on the messaging and getting to a date is quickly as possible.

You can signal that you want to do this in your profile. Also consider setting up a quick 10-minute video call with prospective dates. If they drag their feet or they keep rescheduling, move on. This method can save you a lot of trouble.

By the way, none of what I'm saying here is a magic hack that's going to finally break

the apps open for you and lead you to love. But these tips will help you protect your sanity while you use the apps as a tool, and decide if you want to keep using them. We'll have more life kit after the break.

“I think that maybe elephant in the room with dating apps for me was always sex.”

It felt like you go on a date with someone who's a stranger, and there's this neon sign blaring over your head. Are you going to have sex with them? And when I felt like that made it a lot harder to be on the apps because it was almost like, oh, people have these expectations.

There are certainly people who are on the apps looking to hug off looking to have sex. There are apps that are just geared towards that, which great. But be clear about what it is that you're looking for. Now as far as a person who may be looking for a relationship and now feels like there's a pressure of sex, of course it's so important to move it a pace that feels comfortable

for you. I've had a lot of clients who have said, oh, the three-date rule, the three-date rule. And this is for people that they've just met organically out there in real life or through friends.

And that's kind of like that, you know, by the third-date, if it's a match, there's got to

be some sort of physical intimacy at that point. And that doesn't work for everyone.

“And you need to do, like, you need to move it a pace that it's comfortable and safe for”

you. Yeah. And I think, like, try to have confidence in your own boundaries. Which is a challenge. It's a challenge.

But it's first taking a moment to reflect and think about what feels safe, what feels healthy for me, and then based upon that, what are the important boundaries that I need to set? And then it's setting and maintaining those boundaries. And that's going to lead towards finding a healthy connection with another person.

The other thing I was thinking about in terms of boundaries are knowing what you're using the apps for. If you know that you don't want to be polyamorous, for instance, like where you would meet someone on the apps and then they'd be like, well, I, you know, I also have like another partner and then they have another partner.

If you know that that's not for you, I feel like it's really important to not compromise on that. Because sometimes you'd be like, oh, but it's been a while.

They're so cute.

Like, maybe I'll just go out with them.

But if it's really not for you, then you're just hurting yourself. Your needs are important. Your needs are important. Your wants are important. If you're looking for a monogamous relationship, you are looking for a monogamous relationship

and stop like that. And that is fine. If you are looking for a polyamorous relationship, that is what you're looking for. Even if you meet a really great person who doesn't have the same relationship related goals or lifestyle or orientation or whatever it is, they're not going to be a match.

They may be a great friend, but they're not going to be a match for you. As frustrating as that might be, that's okay.

“And you need to wait for the person that you can enter into a healthy, loving caring relationship”

with. I think about this idea that comes from the negotiation world, the Batna, the best alternative to a negotiated agreement. And a lot of the time, if you're negotiating over salary, unless you have another offer, your employer may assume you're not going to walk away from this, and they may be right.

But technically, in romance, you don't need a partner. And if you understand that or you really feel that, then you have a really good batna, right? Your best alternative to dating this person who's not a good fit for you is being solo. And that's cool.

That's great. Yes, I love the way that you say that it is much better to be happily single than to be in a relationship that isn't meeting your needs, because I want to anything for your overall well, being or like satisfaction. And as tempting as it could be, especially with dating apps where there's this perception

and maybe reality that there are so many people out there, if you're constantly dipping into the pool to see like, "What are my alternatives? You're one foot out of the relationship." And you're not necessarily giving your attention and focus to the relationship that you're in.

Take away for, don't compromise on the things that are most important to you.

“And remember that not being in a relationship or being romantically involved with anyone”

is a perfectly good option. Take picture. We've talked a lot about mindset here and the kind of headspace you should be in when you're using the apps. What are some warning signs that your relationship with dating apps is becoming unhealthy?

Like with any behavioral addiction, I'm talking specifically about app usage right now. When there's a loss of awareness of time, where you go on the app, you're thinking I'm just going to swipe through a couple of profiles and then all of a sudden you've missed dinner or it went for being laid outside to dark outside and you're like, "Where did all this time go?"

Maybe your usage is not the most helpful.

I think that if you start basically convincing yourself of, "Well, I should be doing this."

Like once the should statements, like, "I should be going on dates. I should be active on the app."

“There are no such thing as should in this case, like you need to do what's right for you.”

So if you're now comparing yourself to what you believe, like ideal dating at behavior or ideal dating behavior is or what your friends are doing, it's time to re-examine your usage and look, dating anxiety is a real thing. So people may get very excited about the match and then start to feel a little bit nervous when the date approaches, however, if you're finding like, "Oh, I can't, I don't want

to do this." I can't, like, it seems like such a wasted night to have to, when you start dreading the date, if you set the date for a week in advance and then as a date approaches or just like, "I don't want to do this." Even if the person is great, you're not going to recognize it as such.

They might pleasantly surprise you that might change your mood, but you're not giving them the best version of you. So it's going to be a waste of both of your time, so that might be time to re-examine as well. That's also times when people are more likely to settle, and there's like a person's

good enough. It's just an item that I have to take off of may-to-do list, and that may cause a person to forego. Some of the things that they were really looking for in a partner because it's truly important to them, and that relationship is not going to be set up for success.

Take away five. Pay attention to how you use the apps. If you notice that you're getting sucked in, like you're just swiping, swiping, swiping, and then all of a sudden you missed dinner or an important meeting, that's a sign to pull

If you're only on the apps because you think, "Ah, I should be doing this.

That's a sign."

“If you find yourself dreading all the dates you set up, that's a sign.”

Yes, some of the people are like, "I'm tired of the apps, so you'll do." Right. But, you can say, "I'm tired of the apps, I'm going to stop using them." Right. Full stop.

Right. And it's not even just the apps. It could be dating. It can be.

I'm tired of dating right now.

I'm going to redevelop my attention and energy to my friendships, to these activities that I really enjoy doing that make me feel fulfilled. You don't need to be on the hunt for a partner if that's not feeling, like something that's true for you in that moment. Marissa, thank you so much.

This is a great conversation. Oh, thank you. I really appreciate it. All right, seekers of romance. It's time for a recap.

Take away one.

Set boundaries with yourself around your app use.

Dating apps are gamified to keep you coming back. So make sure you're using them, not letting them use you. Take away two. Be clear with yourself about why you're using the apps. Are you seeking love, sex, friendship, validation, excitement?

And what are you actually finding? Then be clear with other people in your profile and in your conversations. Take away three. Save yourself time and energy by cutting down on the messaging and getting to a date as quickly as possible.

You can say that you want to do this in your profile. Also consider setting up a quick 10-minute video call with perspective dates. That'll save you a lot of time too. Take away four.

“Don't compromise on the things that are most important to you and remember that not being”

in a relationship or being romantically involved is a perfectly good option. And take away five. Pay attention to the way you use dating apps and if they're negatively affecting your mental health and be willing to step away. The last thing I want to say here is when I was on the apps, I started to resent the

idea that something as personal, as romantic love, had to be mediated through this device, my smartphone. I said, "You know what? I've had enough. I'm not finding what I'm seeking here.

So let me stop seeking it for a while and just live. It was a moment of surrender. And I have learned that you absolutely can find romantic connection off the apps. When I stopped using them, that wasn't even the point. The point was simply, "I didn't want to do it anymore."

And once I made that decision, I felt so relieved. This option is available to you too. Alright, that's our show.

“By the way, have you subscribed to the LifeKit newsletter yet?”

Every Friday, you'll get even more expert advice on health, money, and more all curated by the LifeKit team. Think of it as a weekly check-in from your friends at LifeKit. Subscribe at npr.org/LifeKit newsletter. This episode of LifeKit was produced by Mika Ellison and Margaret Serino.

Our digital editor is Mallika Greve. Our visuals editor is CJ Rikulon. Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagle, Clamerationighter, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Jimmy Keely.

And Mary Elsa Garra. Thanks for listening.