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Joy 101 with Hota-Cotby is presented by CVS. I got a phone call from my husband, that our son trick had fallen in the pool. And that he wasn't breathing, our whole world fell apart. There is no way to describe to someone. What it's like losing a child.
We did not think we would make it through that eye-hart. Hey everyone, welcome back to on purpose. The place you come to become happier, healthier, and more healed.
You know, the thing that's most important to me is sharing real stories
that allow individuals to express their journeys, express their challenges, express the lives that they've lived in a way that uplifts, inspires, and most importantly, heals all of us. Today, I get to sit down with Emily Kaiser. Emily has invited so many people into her life with honesty, warmth, and openness.
And over the past year, she's walked through a life-altering experience. One that reshaped her world in ways no one is ever prepared for. Please welcome to on purpose, Emily Kaiser. Emily, so wonderful to meet you.
You too, I'm really grateful to be here.
Your energy since you walked in this morning is so warm and cozy and comforting. And I felt like I'd known you forever. I appreciate that.
“It's just so sweet, but I wanted to start off by just asking you, how are you today?”
I'm nervous, I'm honored to be here. Yeah, I feel I feel okay. What does your normal day today look like right now? I'm a mom, so my priority day today is taking care of my younger son, Teddy. So my day today is pretty normal, I wake up, I work out, I try to work out every day.
Just 'cause I know those like good and orphans will help me mentally throughout the day. And I notice a really big difference if I don't do that. And then I kind of just spend the rest of my day with my son and just wherever it leads me. I've learned throughout a lot of my group journey that I just can't have too many expectations for myself. So I just have to set small intentions and go where the day leads me.
“Yeah, and what was your intention for coming here today?”
Like what was going through your mind to want to come and share now in today? I have a large platform and going through what we've been through this past year. Just honestly, nothing has felt like an appropriate place to talk about fully in depth. What happened, what our family has been through, just how much we mistrigged, how much we love him. It just, it honestly hasn't felt right.
And I feel like when you asked me to come, I really felt like, okay, yeah, this is like a person that I can sit down with and have a really in depth. Meaningful conversation that will hopefully help people spread awareness, help me to maybe heal in a way. Yeah, I really hope that this conversation is healing for all of us and kind and healing for you as well. We'll talk about the loss in a moment, but talk to me about what life was like before the loss. Like talk to me about creating or sharing your life online in 2021.
What did it look like? What was the motivation behind that? What was the inspiration behind all of that?
“The whole motivation always behind starting social media was honestly that I just needed an outlet.”
I think that's why a lot of people start.
I think that we crave human interaction, human connection.
And I lived in Utah at the time for already about, I think maybe three or four years, but when you become a mom, your whole world shifts, your life changes like nothing can even prepare you for that journey.
And I was just really deeply craving something to fulfill me in a deeper way.
“Obviously, motherhood fulfills me so much, but I felt like I needed my own thing and I think that's so healthy and important.”
And I was like, I think I should just start sharing my day-to-day, like maybe people relate to that. So I was sharing morning vlogs, day-in-the-life vlogs, cleaning vlogs, and honestly it deeply motivated me. I was home alone, most days with trig, and so it really just helped me to get out of the house, get stuff done. Like that was my motivation was just connecting with other moms and people. Yeah, and I know our team here are a huge fan of yours.
And they've loved following you. What was your relationship like with your community during that time? Like it feels like you just, it did exactly that. It made people feel connected to you, made people feel less alone. I feel like to me in my community just feels warm and kind and I feel like I'm just so grateful for my community and how much grace and love they always give me and my family and especially going through what we've gone through.
I could have never anticipated the support that I would receive and it's really always felt that way.
When you're so public like you are and then you go through a loss. Everyone feels a part of that journey with you too and I imagine that it's affected the online community yourself. It's almost like you share your life with everyone. I know I can fill that way sometimes. It's definitely shifted my perspective on my boundaries and how much I choose to share I don't share my younger son anymore. I have a strict boundary of I don't share trig anymore.
I won't share photos of him videos of him.
It's definitely just shifted a lot of my perspective of as much as I am so grateful for the community.
It does kind of give you this perspective of people. I mean, yeah, they don't actually know me. They don't actually know my real life and it's a hard thing to learn, especially going through what we did so publicly. It really opens your eyes. Could you explain for those who may not know what you went through
“last May? Could you share in the best way you feel comfortable sharing that experience?”
I went out with my friends. I was five weeks postpartum and I went out to dinner for a little girl's night now and about maybe ten minutes after I arrived, I got a phone call from my husband. That our son trick had fallen in the pool and that he wasn't breathing and I could hear the pain and the just confusion in his voice. I knew immediately before he even said anything that something was wrong. And so I rushed the hospital to be by my son's side and our life just completely changed that day
and he passed away about a week later and our whole world fell apart. I'm genuinely so sorry for your loss and I kind of imagine how much courage it takes to even even share that with us today and the strength that you have being here and I kind of imagine what that loss feels like and it's the most hard breaking thing you could ever hear and to add on to that the public nature of your profile and your family and everything else I kind of
imagine how much that stress is placed on you and your family and everyone else included people that are close to you and those that love you. What went through your head at the time and what's been going through your head as you've had time? I mean your body just goes into fight or flight mode so I feel like I've just been truly taking it minute by minute hour by hour and slowly kind of
“increasing from there but the only thing that was going through my mind was just that I wanted him to be”
okay that I wanted my old life back that I wanted him to have his life back I mean it's what he serves and it's just you can't even describe that feeling of when when your child passes away from a preventable accident a preventable tragedy all that's going through your mind is where did I go wrong
Where did we go wrong how did this happen why did this happen hindsight is pl...
24/7 and um yeah I mean it's terrible that kind of rumination and kind of just spiraling
“of all those questions that you just shared and all those thoughts I'm sure there's it's almost”
like not even it's not even a question of trying to move on who trying to you know it's it's so it's so kind of all encompassing and all engulfing because it's exactly what you said you're just wondering about if this what if why not we had to make so many big decisions in a very short amount of time that no family should ever have to make and I know that other people will relate to that and it's it feels impossible you're truly going second by second because at any moment something could
change or you could be given different news or you know so it's just truly just minute by minute what was the hardest part about that experience that no one sees because everyone tries to empathize
everyone obviously tries to understand and you can I always feel like when you haven't been through a
“pain you can be empathetic you can be compassionate you can be theoretically there but when something”
happens to you it's very different than when you observe it through someone else what's the part of it that no one sees that you've been carrying that that affects you I mean just the heartbreak the mess the love that you have for that person nobody can even if you have the most empathy in the world nobody will ever be able to feel even if they've been in a similar situation those are the people who can relate the most but there is no way to describe to someone what it's like losing a child and what
that pain is like and if it feels unbearable we did not think we would make it through that it's like you constantly are looking back like how how have I done that how have we done that how how are we even here right now time just feels so warped and confusing and I feel like that's I mean that's the hardest thing that you can't explain to someone is just what it's actually like no
you will never know what it's actually like unless you are going through it even you will be surprised
by the decisions you make your thought process your grief I mean I had even heard similar stories before trig passed away I mean you always sit there with theoreticals of this is how I would handle there this is what I would do and you would literally never know and it's it's it's crazy thinking back that I ever felt that way that I ever theoretically felt that way about other people's tragedies because now I'm like oh like you literally don't know I've had friends pass away or
younger friends get diagnosed with cancer passed away and it's been really interesting when you get to that kind of age when people around you are starting to get diagnosed with certain things and you start learning how as friends you want to be there for each other but how certain friends don't quite get it and it comes back down to exactly what you just said like with so as humans we're so quick to judge someone's experience and how we deal with it and then when you go through
something close to that you realize how none of that mental faculty or reasoning even comes close to helping you deal with any of that because the emotion is so strong and so overriding that you don't have that function in your brain that you had before something like that happened we were brain chemistry literally changes the hardest thing is you're lost and what you're going through and loving the life you had and wanting it back but then you're also managing this
your career which ulcer has this public perception on it how how did everyone find out and how
did that kind of go into the conversation there when I first got the news that trig had fallen
in the pool and went to the hospital I mean my mind was anywhere but what are people going to say what I wasn't even in a mental space I was only focused on him and so was our entire family
“and I mean the news broke because I think because news cars started showing up people started”
putting together that my house was my house I mean little things I think like that furniture matched in news video footage and people started to put together that it was trig based off of the descriptions that were being given but I hadn't even thought that far yet so when I
Found out that it had become public and that people were wondering what had h...
we're still wondering what like what had happened in that moment I didn't even have details really
“on what had happened we were in the depths of just figuring out what trig needed and what we could”
do to help him that's kind of how it broke and from there it just became I mean a frenzy to put it at the least it was crazy but I was just so uninvolved in that at the time that it wasn't until after he had passed away that I think I really realized how big it was and how how many people were talking about what had happened to him and what you're saying makes completely sense that of course when you're going through something that tragic you're just present there your mind is not anywhere
else do you ever in circumstances like this ever find the answers that even help about what happened
and how it felt like do you even get there because it almost feels like when these things happen there's no it's almost like there's no answer that can heal or sue their soul because it's just pain there really is no answer for why it happened at the end of the day it happened because there were
“precautions that we didn't take I'm a very logical person and I go based off the facts and that's what”
I had to do the entire time that we were in the hospital getting information everything and there's no answer for why he's not here that's some bigger thing or a lesson or anything there's nothing it's we should have protected him better and and that's that's why it happened. What broke my heart beyond learning about your story as I was preparing for our conversation today and to to be with you was some of the reaction online and of course I want to talk about both because I think the
negative always gets more precedents than the positive and so I want to talk to you about both
because I think there was a lot of love and there was a lot of support and I want to talk to you about that I don't want to hear about that but the part that broke my heart was to see how when a human sees another human whether we know you were don't and for those who follow you they they know you extremely well to already know that someone's going through something that is the worst thing that a parent could ever go through to then have their own opinion commentary verdict on
it feels heartless and painful in a way that I can't understand why our human mind would even go that let's talk about some of the support you felt from people on that when I came back I honestly was fully preparing myself for any reaction I was possibly going to get I was just so deeply craving I think a sense of normalcy and when you're grieving and when you go through something
“any sort of loss honestly I think that that's what a lot of us grip on to is how can I find any”
sense of normalcy in my life to get me through the day for me that kind of was starting to slowly return to my job that I loved so much nothing could have prepared me for the support that I received I was really just emotional and blown away and just so grateful and I um very often feel very undeserving just because of how sad and honestly guilty I feel and sad for trig that he's not here sometimes I feel undeserving of like how are we able to still in the best way we can go on
with our lives and I'm just really grateful that I had so many people that we're just there for me my community kind of just said however slow you want to take it whatever you choose to share you can share it that's kind of what I prepared myself returning was with the boundaries of I will just share what I'm comfortable with because I would rather be ripped apart for what I what I don't share and for not sharing enough then share too much of the pain in the heartbreak
and the thoughts that I go through every day and be judged for that it's just it's too much. I appreciate you sharing the added layer of the emotional toll of experiencing loss then experiencing grief getting support but then actually feeling guilty and a little bit of shame to even experience that support and it's the emotional toll of all of those extremely difficult
Emotions to carry all at the same time.
just to hold all of those at the same time. I think people look at grief as stages or at some point
“it's gonna end. The pain is gonna end. We look at grief as this finished line I feel like for a lot of”
people of I grieved for this amount of time or I was sad for this amount of time and then
that's not how it works it's it's never ending your grief is going to be with you for the rest of your
life and very early on we had so many amazing health professionals that helped us because we would not have even gotten to the mental place we are in now without those people and I feel like even though it was such a weight to hear at that time of this is never gonna go away like we're going through the darkest thing we could ever possibly go through and we just lost our child he's never coming back and to hear that you're gonna feel this forever was it's it feels
impossible you're like okay so it's never gonna get better I'm never gonna feel but that's when the other lessons come in of everything is gonna coexist with the grief you could feel joy and feel so much sadness at the exact same time you can feel support while also feeling guilty you can feel sad while also feeling reminiscent on the memories so many feelings coexist and that is that is forever and I feel like the longer I've gone into my grief journey even though I'm
not very far in it at all in the grand scheme of things the more I've just really learned that that is is how I have to go through my life of just I am allowed to feel whatever Brady is allowed to feel whatever my family is allowed to feel whatever but it can all coexist but the grief is not going away you're completely right that that belief that we all have or this hope that we all have that there's a finish line there's an end point there's a turning point
for moments like this you're absolutely right there is none and and that's the hardest thing and the most helpful thing in in one because it's almost lying to ourselves a lying to other saying it will go away one day is actually worse because then you're just waiting for that day yeah or the stages of grief you hear that all the time oh there's stages of grief stages of grief were designed and I actually learned this from Joanne Cachitori who's a doctor that we went to like
very early on we went to a few of her she owns a care farm kind of like a grief place for parents who have gone through child loss and she just basically said plain and simple that's designed
“for elderly people who are at the end of life of the stages of accepting that your life is going”
and that is not made for parents who are who have lost their child because there are no stages
it is never ending you could be in one stage at some point and then at the next point you're in
the complete opposite stage and you just have to accept that you have to feel what you feel when it comes and that is just how you have to go about it forever valvoline instant oil change presents wisdom from the road summer means wide open spaces in a whole lot of extra miles last place you want your engine to give out is halfway to nowhere out here low oil or a weak battery is just an ambush way to happen that's why every oil change at
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“spot issues early and give your run easy enjoy is essential and it's also elusive you can't order it”
you can't borrow it or simply hope it into life but now there's a new and exciting way to start your journey toward a more joyful existence joy 101 it's a new podcast hosted by me how to copy together guys we'll have meaningful conversations with the world's most fascinating people entertainment legends sports icons wellness experts and everyday people will share how they find allow and experience joy and offer some of my own tips and takes on seeking a more balanced and
harmonious life if you're craving inspiration support and useful tools to maximize your joy tune into these candid uplifting and moving on air chats joy after a breakup joy is an empty nester joy after a loss joy as a caretaker this new podcast will speak to you listen to joy 101 on the iHeart Radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts hey it's us the Jonas brothers and guess what we have some big news what's the news we've created our own podcast oh
hey Jonas we invented a podcast well we didn't invent it we we just contributed to first people
To do podcast pretty yeah pretty wide range of podcast restaurant but this on...
so how do we how do we actually come up with a name hey Jonas guys I honestly don't remember
“I think it was on a call about what we should call it and oh we were thinking I'm originally”
calling it one of the early names of our band before Jonas Brothers what this is how you guys remember going down yes I have a very different memory of this we were talking about a thing a bit for the podcast we could call in and say hey Jonas and then I broke down on my little note pad a Jonas and offered it up as a potential title oh but thanks but thanks for remembering that guys listen to hey Jonas on the iHeart Radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts
just listen we don't care where you hear it you said that there was a part of you that obviously took a break obviously after all of this and the only reason you went backwards to experience some normal normal scene and you know just
getting into some routine and rhythm for your life which is always encouraged when people go through
difficult things to feel just like you're moving your body you know helping yourself you're going back to doing things that that felt familiar how hard was it to even go back to doing that we were I mean obviously barely able to get out of bed barely able to get up in brush our teeth I was we were not in a position to even take care of our younger child I'm I'm so grateful for the support and the family we had around us because we just could not have done it I mean when we were first
going through it and I was five weeks postpartum so I wasn't even in a headspace to get into a routine at all I was still trying to get used to having two kids my dad was actually who came to me and was like am you got to move your body my son mom actually teaches Pilates on the side and he would just have her come over and help me I would go on walks but even at that beginning when we first lost him we weren't even leaving our house because we
had people driving by taking videos hell of copters going over our house news we're showing up constantly I was basically just in my home and I didn't want to be anywhere else in terms of I just want to be in my bed at that time it felt impossible to get back into any sort of routine
“but then at some point I think I felt like I don't have any other toys like I have to I have to”
be the best version of myself that I can manage right now for trig for my younger son Teddy
for myself for Brady I have to it's not a choice I've never had that experience around what you're
saying around the news teams the helicopters and the is there a sense of like setting boundaries in that way like can you be like don't come it feels so invasive like it just feels it's almost like this is a really tough tragic time for someone and I just I don't understand why that would you know it's yeah it's fascinating to me how we as humans normalize that I think I've really mentally blocked out so much of that because I was just so focused on
what we were dealing with inside of our home that my mind wasn't even really there but
“I think back and I had PTSD pretty much from so many things but hearing helicopters still go”
over my house I'm constantly like oh is that gonna end up on the news it was completely invasive yeah when people talk about or commentate on events that they don't have the full details over or the actual insight over from the inside what were the kind of things you were hearing that were hurtful and kind of dehumanizing to some degree as well because when someone's far away from the problem but commentating on it without understanding it what were the things that you were hearing
or things that you saw that really affected you at the end of the day it's hard hearing anything that beats you up more than you're already beating yourself up nobody could say I really try to not focus on the negative because nobody could say anything and I've heard a lot of things to Brady and I that would make us feel any more hurt than how we already feel not having him here nothing when you lose your child you really don't care about anything else besides
Doing your best to get through it and there's not even a through it you don't...
doing your best to move forward I guess caring for your family like I said I have a younger son so
that was also just a huge and stays a huge motivation for me I I have to keep going for him I mean just nobody could say anything that would ever hurt us more than we're already hurting but it's hard obviously I'm a human it's hard to hear people make their own assumptions their own conclusions draw their conclusions about Brady draw their conclusions about me as a parent
“but the end of the day I just have to remember that these people don't know me and and they're never”
going to know me on a deep level because that's impossible nobody's ever going to know you on the
deepest level as the people who love you and truly know your heart and know you and I think if anything
I find kind of peace in that of the people who know us know us that's really the only people you genuinely need in your life and that you need to understand you is the people who know you and love you and everyone's entitled to their opinion I think that's a hard lesson I've had to learn so much at the beginning I felt so much anger towards the public and I mean I still do I think I have every right to but I also put myself in the shoes of unfortunately I would probably do the same
thing and have assumptions and have opinions and have thoughts about what happened and and
“naturally I think it's natural human reaction to want to put blame on someone it's the only way”
that you can come up with a logical reason of why it happened or how it happened is to play blame and I think in some ways it makes people feel better I mean I can't I can't fully blame people the part that really connected or resonate at least with me was this idea that you're already being yourself up enough inside and you're already hearing enough inside that there's nothing anyone to say to you that could supersede that personal blame and personal responsibility or pain
that you're putting on yourself when you've gone through something like you haven't that what else would you like people who maybe filling in the gaps with their own commentary or as you said allowed to have their opinion and what would you like to say to what would you like them to know from your perspective I could say a list of things that I wish people knew or a list of things that I feel like we're sad wrong or assumed wrong or facts but it just really doesn't matter
I feel like all that matters that I want people to know is just how much we love trick and how much we miss him and how trust me we beat ourselves up every day we know what we could have done differently hindsight really is 2020 and I promise you there are so many things now looking back that I wish we did differently the only thing I can do to honor trick and to show my love for him is take care of Teddy and hopefully help to spread awareness and do my best to make it so that
hopefully less families have to go through what we've gone through I would love to say that
I can do my best to make sure this never happens again but drowning is the leading pause of death
in children three and under I feel like there's groups of people who hear about it often but it's not talked about enough and I really want to make an effort especially going into this year and especially being where I am in my grief journey of I feel a little more ready I think I've finally accepted that this is what took his life I really just want people to know that this is preventable and it doesn't have to happen to you and I mean that goes for so many preventable
“accidents that's what I really think matters that people need to know there's nothing I can say”
that's going to change people's minds and I'm not I'm not here to do that when you said to you eight months to even accept that this was what tried to do took his life what what were you wrestling with what were you grappling with in all the tax set that what does that look like I don't think I'll ever fully accept what happened to him because although it was preventable it just feels so cruel and especially that night and the way things happened it really felt just like a
series of you know you play it back and you're like how did I go wrong there and why did I leave
Why did this happen why did that happen it it's hindsight you go back and you...
think what could I do differently what could I change it just think that's kind of the process you
just have to go through that just replaying it to be honest just over and over again thinking about all the things that we could have done differently thinking about the things that we will do
“differently and I don't really know if I have an answer for how you accept it I think everybody”
does it in their own time but I don't think I'll ever really accept that he's gone I don't think I'll ever really accept what took his life because it is just so terrible and the pain that he went through is so terrible but I'm just doing my best and like I said I don't think I'll ever fully accept it but I acknowledge it and I know that I can just only do better from here what kind of professionals did you go to what did they talk about for people who may be going through something similar
or struggling or listening right now and I think we're not even aware of the fact of how many people are suffering with something similar we're not conscious of until it happens within your proximity what were some of the therapies the methods or the healing practices and approaches that actually helped
when we first lost trig pretty much immediately within about two weeks of us getting home it was
very quickly my family found out through other people who had suffered through child loss which I'm so grateful for the amount of resources that even though they weren't directly reach out to me because I was not on my phone I was not on social media I didn't even have a phone
“just for our mental health of like you do not need to look at anything you need to just focus on”
yourself and your family we immediately after about two weeks went to the care form that I was kind of mentioning and they use animal therapy just basically interacting with animals you speak with health professionals while you're there licensed therapist licensed doctors they're not there to heal you nothing's going to be able to heal you they're there so that they can teach you the best
tools and I feel like that's where I really learned that it's never going to go away
that I have to just coexist with this forever that the pain the hurt the heartbreak is never going to go away it's just going to hopefully become a little more manageable I can't shout out my family enough they they truly are what have carried us through this they got us in with therapist great grief therapist that specialize in loss and child loss were in couples counseling weekly we've just been doing as much work as we can because there was nothing else we could do I give so much credit
to anybody who works in that space because I cannot imagine the weight that they carry hearing the amount of things that they do the heartbreak the stories I've talked to my husband about this before of I cannot imagine two parents coming into you telling you what they've been through and you having to try your best to either guide them together or help them heal a little bit talk them through it or if if they choose to be apart helping them through that in an amicable way that has to be one of
the hardest jobs yeah you guys are doing really important work did you meet and spend time with other parents who'd also gone through child loss was that helpful was that not helpful was it did it feel too close to home like I've had a couple moms that I've talked to that have been
“through some similar things and that has been helpful but at the same time I think that really”
unless you talk to someone that is going through the exact same thing at the level of exposure that we did it really just felt like there's nobody to talk to who is going to relate to what I'm going through right now what we're going through what trig went through like I just it really felt impossible and so I really haven't gotten to a point yet where I've reached out to like support groups but in the future when I feel like a little bit more time is past I think I would
feel more ready to do that what is a good day looked like right now a good day your definition of one and what does a bad day look like right now when you're experiencing this grief I honestly don't really define my days by if it's a good day or a bad day I truly like I cannot stress enough
That when you're going through child loss you're going through loss in genera...
living minute by minute I can't even think about my whole day when I wake up in the morning I truly just go through it like okay I'm gonna get done what I can get done today I'm gonna do what I can do it's kind of two scales your grief is on a scale of one to ten and then your level of managing it is on a scale of one to ten if my grief feels like an eight that day but my level of managing is a ten that's that's a goodish day for me if I'm having more moments throughout the day where
I just can't do what I need to do I'm okay with that too but I would say just every day I truly wake up like whatever however this day goes however it's thrown at me I'll get through it and
I literally just have to take it as it comes no I'm sure just how much you know how powerful
that advice is it's it's it's so much better than our basic acknowledgement of whether it's a good day or about day because what you just said is the reality of okay grief is on a scale of one to ten of how much the extremity I'm feeling it and then what's my ability to manage it and then
“that's good and bad days good and bad moments and that's what makes up your days every day is hard”
every day is quote unquote bad without him here it's terrible but I still have good moments in my day and I would be lying if I said that I don't still have some joy and some happiness like my younger son brings me so much joy and so much happiness but I'm also simultaneously sad and empty and that's why I just say you you really have to learn and you quickly do learn that everything coexist and that's just the way it is sharing your life sharing your journey sharing everything on
line is your work even though it may be joyful and fun in moments that it's it's still work what has it been like going back to work while still grieving and what do people misunderstand about that I've had to set kind of like I said at the beginning a lot of boundaries of just really taking it day by day of whatever I'm comfortable sharing all share and if I'm not comfortable I'm not sharing it and it's hard seeing people genuinely say oh you're fine oh you've already got an
over it oh you you seem like you're doing great it's like this is my job I'm going through it like a
“job at any job you have to show up you have certain expectations that have to be met and it's”
also a creative outlet for me so naturally sometimes when I'm doing my job I am in an okay head space and I'm just doing my best to kind of distract myself and get through it but that is not of representation of my whole day or my grief social media shouldn't be anyone's
representation of anything because at the end of the day it's always even if you share the good
about the hard it's what you're choosing to share always unless someone had a 24 hour camera going you you'll just never understand what what it's like inside someone's brain who's lost a child yeah I also can't fault people for that because you're seeing what I'm choosing to show you and so I really do accept in a way and it's taken me time the hate that I get the feedback that I get because I don't expect people to understand they never will understand I would rather share quote
unquote not enough in their eyes or I would rather look quote unquote not sad enough or whatever their expectation is and feel like I'm protecting myself and my family and my inner deepest darkest parts of my grief and save that for the people the professionals that are truly going to understand and be able to walk me and talk me through and support me now the lean instant oil change presents wisdom from the road summer means wide open spaces in a whole lot of extra miles
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change wisely joy is essential and it's also elusive you can't order it you can't borrow it
or simply hope it into life but now there's a new and exciting way to start your journey toward a more joyful existence joy 101 it's a new podcast hosted by me how to copy together guys will have meaningful conversations with the world's most fascinating people
Entertainment legend sports icons wellness experts and everyday people will s...
allow and experience joy and offer some of my own tips and takes on seeking a more balanced and harmonious life if you're craving inspiration support and useful tools to maximize your joy tune into these candid uplifting and moving on air chats joy after a breakup joy is an empty nest or joy after a loss joy as a care taker this new podcast will speak to you listen to joy 101 on the iHeart Radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts hey it's us the
Jones brothers and guess what we have some big news what's the news news we created our own podcast
oh hey Jonas we invented a podcast well we didn't invent it we just contributed to first people
to do podcast pretty yeah pretty wide range of podcast right here but this one's extra special
“so how do we how do we actually come up with a name hey Jonas guys i honestly don't remember”
i think it was on a call about what we should call it and oh we were thinking i'm originally calling it one of the early names of our band before Jonas brothers well this is how you guys remember going down yes i'm very different memory of this we were talking about a thing a bit for the podcast people could call in and say hey Jonas and then i rubbed down in my little note pad hey Jonas and offered it up as a potential title oh thank you but thanks for remembering that guys
listen to hey Jonas on the iHeart Radio app apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts just listen we don't care where you hear it people on social media can't be your therapist and can't be your guides and can't be
“and they shouldn't be yeah then it's not their role yeah exactly what you just said it's”
it's a great mindset to have to understand that that's not their role and and there are people that you're seeing in order to experience that and at the same time i i do really really wish for the world that especially in moments that are not divisive it's it's easier to be kinder we've talked about you being someone who's gone through extreme loss grief and going through guilt shame then there's the added component of your work but then there's the added component of parenting
while you're also grieving the loss of a child talked to me about that particular type of grief i've gone through so many different emotions with parenting since we lost trig and just being completely honest feeling not good enough feeling unfit feeling like feeling scared losing a child really shows you and the scariest most real way possible just how quickly life can change and how quickly
“life can be literally taken away and i think that really scared me with Teddy”
there's so many things in my control that i can do preventative measures i can take ways i can be better i mean there's a list of things as a parent that you can do to protect your children but there's also so many stories and stories that i heard after we lost trig where i was like that was completely freak accident not preventable and that's an element that's been hard
in parenting him is realizing that there's only so much i can control i always tried to remind
myself that i have a choice to make i can either let this completely derail me more than it already has and not really feel like i'm fit or able to take care of my younger son or i can do everything in my power to be the best mom i possibly can for him and give him the same love that trig had and has and i made a promise to trig right before we lost in that was going to take care of Teddy that was actually like my final promise to him was like i will take care of your
brother because at that time i felt like i couldn't i really just was too much if all i could i couldn't even take care of myself but that has kept me going of i made a promise i'm going to fulfill it and i'm going to give Teddy the best life i possibly can and that means showing up for him showing up for myself doing everything i possibly can to make sure that that happens this is actually something that did make me really sad when we lost trig was
so many people not truly said oh Teddy's gonna have such terrible life he's never going to have
The same parents that he did so many comments and it's true he's never going ...
parents trig had we are fundamentally changed by this but i will be even better and i think i
almost took that as motivation of i will give him the best life i possibly can i will be the best mom i possibly can't to him i'm so sorry i do it through that as well i really love what you're saying you are accepting that you will be that you are fundamentally different but that doesn't mean you can't be better and and can't give more love and those two things again can co-exist that you have changed that you are different that you won't ever be the same person that you were
before naturally but that doesn't take away from the fact that you absolutely love Teddy and want to give him the best life that he could possibly have when i was thinking about today and thinking about our conversation i was just thinking about all the multiple layers of lost
“grief pain that that exists in in someone's experience and i think the other part of pain for you”
is having to go through grief while someone else is grieving too talk to me about how it feels for you grieving while the person that you're parenting with is also grieving we've really done our best to grieve together and to talk through every emotion and every feeling and i really give pretty so much empathy and respect if so much respect for him honestly and i think that would maybe shock people but he has allowed me to take out every emotion
i've had throughout this process whether it's on him or talking to him or with other people and i just have so much respect for that of how much he has just let me feel every emotion and
he's never made me feel bad for it he's going through so much as well and like i said we are the
only two people that can understand at all what the other person is going through and so i just really in a situation
“where a lot of people would say i could never forget my husband i could never stay married to him”
i could never this that the other he let me feel all of those emotions it's been really hard at times to grieve together to be honest there was a time where i was just i mean from the beginning so felt so angry at him of literally i don't know if i will ever forgive this man but i think the biggest thing that really kind of altered literally my brain chemistry in the way i thought about it was this could have just as easily happened to me this could have just as easily
been me and Brady's position Brady was taking care of our newborn titled when i left for dinner that night he was de-thawing my breast milk trying to get Teddy settled five week old baby and that doesn't excuse anything it doesn't excuse what happened it doesn't excuse any of the series of events after that but taking that accountability along with all the other things i know i could have changed gave me so much true deep real raw empathy for him of
this could have been me even if i got to a point where i could not stay married to him even if i
accepted that of if there is a chance that we don't stay together this was when we first lost
trig that i felt this way i would be able to forgive him because i would so deeply want him to forgive me and to know that i didn't mean for it to happen and that's exactly how i feel for Brady i really just have so much empathy and love for him and he is so strong and i'm really proud of us
“honestly and how we've grieved together through all the therapy we've done that i feel like we've”
really been given tools that even though our grief is so separate we have really done our best to come together and even if we grieved separately at times and we each have our moments because i think that's healthy too you naturally don't sit and really all the time grieved with your partner you do but there's so many moments throughout the day where you guys are feeling different emotions ones at a ten ones at an eight and it's not each other's a job to balance it out your job is to
Let your partner feel what they need to feel and then be there for them throu...
and i'm really proud of us that i feel like we've done that and just done our best truly to
“really remember that all we have is each other in terms of understanding what we've been through”
and how much we love and miss him. Thank you for being so transparent about the reality of every emotion that any human would feel naturally in that situation and and even the resolution that you've personally come to where it being the respect and the empathy and the understanding of such a big heart it just goes such a big heart it's actually really a truly healing listening to you because it's it's something we're all working on in our own way
with the people closest to us you're just working on it in the most extreme way i'm happy and thankful that you feel that way with each other and that you've been able to express every feeling and be every version of yourself and even allow yourself to have the thought of can i forgive is this gonna work and then finding resolution through that and i'm assuming that there's been times when you've needed to rely on each other as you said because you're the only ones who can
understand and times when you've needed to rely on family beyond that my husband really is the only person one of the only people besides licensed professionals that i i really feel comfortable
“feeling every emotion of grief i think that's natural because we raise trig we love him with”
every fiber of our being that's the only possible person that's gonna understand the love and the miss and the hurt and the heartbreak and the void of losing your child and so naturally we have the most deep profound emotional conversations with each other because it's usually us coming together about how much we miss him or a memory that made us think of him that day or just all the conflicting emotions of what happened and what we've been through and the feelings that we
feel i would hope and i think i'm the same way for him is we're really the only two people that we feel like we can truly be open and vulnerable with on that level every day have you found that helpful to talk about trig naturally whenever he comes to both of your minds and yeah i love to talk about him it obviously makes me sad but he truly was and is such a light and although so many people didn't get the literal honor of meeting him anyone he came across in his life i mean
we still have his teachers reach out to us and they're like we love him so much in this reminder to us of him today and yeah it's really helpful i from the beginning radiant i told our
families like i never want a world and i never want Teddy to grow up in a world where
this is an avoided conversation because even though it's a hard conversation and it leads to a bigger conversation i'm sure Teddy's gonna have so many questions as he gets older i never want a world where people don't talk about him and i feel the same way for sometimes negativity talked about us surrounding him of if you're talking about him and you're spreading awareness really that's all that matters to me i just don't want him to ever be forgotten
and he won't be and having daily conversations in our house i've added so many photos around our house of him because i just want his face to be everywhere and i don't want it to ever be something that Teddy or anybody is ever questioning what he looks like or who he is we've really made an effort that he's constantly brought up my friends know it too if i see something that reminds
me of him i'm always like oh my gosh trick would have loved the eye or this is what he would be saying
because he really just was such a funny kid and so loving and just the best and i know everyone says that about their kid but he was just the best when you lose someone you say deeply love what are for you hurtful things people say and what are helpful things people say
“it's a good question because i think when people lose someone no one knows really what to say”
i think one of the most hurtful and confusing things people can say is anything in the realm and everyone has their own beliefs but anything in the realm of he's in a better place or this is just
What was supposed to happen because it wasn't it was preventable it wasn't su...
the best place he could be is here with his family with his little brother growing up that's
“the best place he could be i think that's always hurtful and people kind of use it as a bandede of”
like he's in a better place it's okay no he's not this is a child that had an entire life ahead of him so many memories so many things that he was looking forward to we were looking forward to he didn't get to experience yeah so saying that to any parent who's gone through child loss at least of my experience is just very hurtful and unhelpful that's the last thing of a grieving parent wants to hear it all you want to hear when you lose your child is i'm so sorry and he
deserves to be here or they deserve to be here and i wish you weren't having to go through this and i wish he hadn't gone had to go through this that's the only the only things that they don't help but they make you feel loved and converted. Emily why have i not asked you today that you wish i did? the main thing i hope people can take away from what trig went through and what our family went through is just once again that it's preventable to please if you have a pool
and you have a young child get a pool fence i know there's other options i was there i chosen that i regret it. having as many barriers to entry is what's important so that's swim lessons that's
“iosar lessons i have teddy starting iosar as soon as he possibly can. what is iosar sorry for?”
it's swim training for young children so that they can learn survival techniques whether that's floating on their back if they're too young to be able to swim they usually teach them it fully close so that they if they're in any situation they can figure it out um and it just gives them the
resources that there's time there's more time for someone to combine them the biggest lesson is always
going to be watch your kids don't take your eye off them i don't care what anybody says that's not 100% realistic every parent gets distracted every parent has things that naturally you could be going to bathroom that you have a moment where eyes and on your child make sure that you have every other barrier so that God forbid something happens you're able to act and they're not in a position where they can lose their life and i really feel like that is is the most important
thing i hope people take away from what happened to triggers just to please protect your kids there were many reasons why i wanted to speak today one was to truly get to understand what you've gone through and to expand our compassion and our empathy towards you and and love towards you
“and and also just this wonderful service that you have and purpose that you have to want to make”
people aware using your loss and pain that you've gone through to actually help others and keep them aware and i think it's really really powerful but you've chosen to do that a loss like this can
make you want to be a hundred percent vigilant and and a hundred percent like just never leave
you know teddy side in this scenario and obviously that's not only not realistic it it's not possible obviously that's best case scenario that's the whole point of any any sort of prevention or barriers or anything i mean i'm specifically talking about pool safety but that's not the only thing that can can hurt children that can affect them that's actually a tool that you can use and your favor is knowing and being honest with yourself honestly of there is no possible way for me to
always have my eye on them and i know people might take that and be like no i have my eye on my child
one hundred percent of the time i don't know you might think you do but there's always lapses and
judgment there's always things that distract us in life there's always things that can happen and that's that's the biggest lesson is even if you think it will never happen to you it can happen to you it can none of us are special none of us can control little tiny choices and things that can make up the whole picture it's hard when parenting i i did feel that and i do feel that still of i never want to take my eye off of him and i i will do my best everything in my power
to make sure i am always there when he needs me but as a parent you you just can't sometimes you
Have to go to work or leave your child and someone else's care and i mean the...
you can do is trust trust that you've done everything you can they'll do everything they can
“and i mean that's been a hard hard thing for me to process because it does feel”
especially in those first few months especially of i'm never i can't leave his side
but i also just have realized over time that's not realistic it's not healthy and i just have to trust that i'm gonna do everything i can i do know a mom who went through a very similar situation about a month after we lost trig i talked to her for the first time and i asked her are you so scared of water or are you so scared of the pool and her answer shocked me that she was like no because i know that i i will do everything i
possibly can to make sure that that never happens again and and not just kind of again just rewired me where i was like as much as you wish this never happened as much as you're constantly
overthinking everything you could have done differently that's all you can do is change be better
make sure it doesn't happen again same with other parents who they're not even going through it there bystanders or they're hearing about the story that's all you can do is make sure it doesn't happen to you because it can and and when it does happen you that's really what makes you realize oh this stuff can happen and it does happen all the time i mean it will still scare you but instead of letting that deter you let it motivate you that you know it can happen so do everything you can
fight like hell to make sure that it doesn't happen again make sure that you have your kids in this one lessons make sure that you have a pool fence make sure that you have a sensor in your pool make sure that you have door alarms make sure that you have automatic closers on your sliding doors make sure the handles are high up enough do everything you can so that it doesn't happen again genuinely i'm just so sorry for your loss and also just not only did trig not deserve it you
didn't either and neither did your family and so i've i really hope that parents who listen to this will share it with others and people who want to be parents will be thoughtful about these things and really thankful that you're using your voice and the challenges and struggle you've been through
“to help others because it's so important so needed so thank you everybody thank you so much”
thank you for giving me the platform you have a larger platform that i do and and i'm really grateful that i'm able to be here and talk about all of these really important things because i really do just hope it will get across more people and we'll be on their radar and yeah i'm just i'm really grateful that you had me here and that i got to talk to you i was excited to talk to you and just kind of hear your perspectives on different things and um yeah the beautiful lessons you've
given us today and how grief never really goes away how grief can co-exist with joy with
love with reminiscing and how you want to continue to celebrate the light that trig is and continues to be in all the people that knew him and all the people that will continue to know him through a story yeah and so thank you i'm really thank you thank you so much if you connected with today's episode check out my raw and honest talk with the one and only Cardi B she opens up about overcoming depression and how she balanced rising to fame and creating a life for her children
well you can tell me i'm a bear mom i'm a great mom if i'm good at something is being a mom hey guys it's us the Jonas Brothers i'm Joe i'm Kevin and i'm Nick and guess what we created our own podcast called hey Jonas we invented a podcast well we didn't invent it we we just contributed to our people to do podcasts we get to ask other people questions because we're sick and tired of being an ask questions well sick and tired is a strong way to put it but you know
tired and sick tired and sick listen to hey Jonas on the i-heart radio app apple podcast or wherever
“you get your podcasts just listen we don't care where you hear it joy is essential and it's also”
elusive but now there's a new and exciting way to start your journey toward a more joyful existence joy 101 it's a new podcast hosted by me how to copy if you're craving inspiration to maximize your joy tune into these candid uplifting and moving on air chat open your free i-heart radio app search joy 101 and listen now joy 101 with how to copy is presented by CVS this is an I Heart Podcast.
Guaranteed human.
