Stop Waiting For External Validation

And I hope you're being a little patient with yourself because you deserve it, and, yeah, I'll talk to you soon. Most people think they have a confidence problem.

They think if they could just believe in themselves a little more, they would finally ask for the promotion,

make the career change, leave the relationship that isn't working, or take the first step toward the life they've been imagining. But here's my take. I don't actually think confidence is the thing that's holding most of us back.

“I think the truth is, we have a validation problem.”

Somewhere along the way, many of us stopped asking, what do I think? And start asking, what does everyone else think? Before we buy a couch, we read 100 reviews. Before we wear an outfit, we send a picture to the group chat. Before we make a decision, we call a mentor.

Before we post a photo, we overthink about how well it will be received. We don't even realize how often we're waiting for someone else to tell us, it's okay, before we allow ourselves to move.

The truth is, we've never lived in a world that gives us this much feedback.

Every app has likes, comments, stars, reviews, rankings, followers, streaks, or scores. At work, we have performance reviews. At school, we have grades. Even our watches tell us whether we've had a productive day. Every time we open our phones, we're reminded that almost everything can be measured, compared, ranked and evaluated. I don't think that's making us bad people, but I do think it's changing us in ways we rarely stop to notice.

Every generation has its own hidden challenge. Our grandparents learned how to survive scarcity. Our parents learned how to navigate opportunity.

“I think one of the defining challenges of our generation is learning how to navigate constant evaluation.”

We've become so accustomed to being measured by the outside world that we've slowly forgotten how to internally measure ourselves.

The problem is, external feedback is a terrible place to build an internal identity.

When your confidence depends on applause, it disappears the moment the room goes quiet. When your self-worth depends on approval, every disagreement starts to feel like evidence that you're on the wrong path. We begin to mistake silence for failure, hesitation for a sign to stop, and criticism for proof that we shouldn't have started in the first place. But psychology tells us something fascinating. Human beings aren't born needing constant validation.

We're born needing connection, and those are two very different things. Some are along the way, our brains started treating approval as if it were the same thing as belonging. And once that happens, we don't just look for advice anymore. We start looking for permission. Permission to change, permission to grow, permission to want something different.

Permission to become someone new.

“So today, I want to share five shifts that completely change the way I think about confidence, approval, and self-belief.”

Because I don't think your goal should be to become someone everyone believes in. I think your goal could be to become someone you yourself can trust. Picture this, imagine you're sitting in a meeting up work, and an idea pops into your head. You think it could solve the problem everyone has been talking about for the last 20 minutes. But before you say anything, you glance around the room.

No one else seems to be thinking what you're thinking, so you stay quiet. Ten minutes later, someone else suggests almost the exact same idea and suddenly everyone loves it. You leave wondering why you didn't just say it first. Or maybe your friends ask where you want to go for dinner. You know exactly where you'd like to eat.

But instead you hear yourself say, I'm happy with whatever everyone else wants. Feels polite, feels easy, but if you really pay attention, you notice how often we silence our own preferences before anyone has even disagreed with them. We become so practiced at reading the room that we slowly stop reading ourselves. Psychologists have been studying this for decades. One of the most famous experiments in social psychology was conducted by Solomon Ash in the 1950s.

Participants were shown a series of lines and asked an incredibly simple question. Which line matches the length of the one on the card? The answer was obvious, but whenever one else in the room who were secretly actors working with the researchers intentionally gave the wrong answer,

Think about that for a second. They weren't confused.

“They weren't incapable of seeing the correct answer.”

They simply trusted the consensus more than they trusted their own perception. This episode of On Purpose is presented to you by Mazda. Piece of mind doesn't happen by chance. It's created through the habits we build before we have a need them. That's the philosophy behind every Mazda.

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Belonging has always been one of the strongest psychological forces in human life.

And most of human history being separated from the group wasn't just uncomfortable. It could be dangerous. Our brains evolved with one question constantly running in the background. Am I still with the tribe? What's remarkable is that this instinct doesn't just show up in major life decisions.

It actually quietly shapes hundreds of tiny moments every single day. Someone says a movie was terrible. And suddenly you let sure whether you actually enjoyed it. Ever another table or it is cocktails. Even though you really want to tea, a trend becomes uncool and without thinking you start questioning whether you ever liked in the first place. Consensus has a funny way of disguising itself as truth.

“And that's what makes this so important.”

The more often we borrow the crowd's opinion, the harder it becomes to recognize our own. We start assuming that if everyone agrees, there must be right. If nobody responds to our idea, it must not be good. If our family doesn't understand our decision, maybe we shouldn't make it. We slowly begin outsourcing our judgment without even realizing we're doing it.

The irony is that history tells us the exact opposite story. Almost every meaningful idea invention movement or piece of art was unpopular with someone before it became accepted. Consensus isn't what creates meaning. More often than not, consensus catches up to meaning long after someone had the courage to trust what they could already see. So the next time you catch yourself looking around the room before trusting your own instincts, pause for a moment.

Instead of asking, does everyone agree with me? Ask yourself a different question. Whatever it is do I have, that this feels right to me. Consensus can be useful. Advice can be valuable, but none of those things should replace your own ability to think.

Because the strongest inner voice isn't the one that never listens to anyone else.

It's the one that can hear everyone else's opinion without losing sight of its own. That takes me to the second thing I want to touch on.

“Have you ever sent a text and then found yourself checking your phone every few minutes?”

I think we've all been there. Logically, you know they're probably busy. You know they might be driving, working, or simply haven't seen it yet. But as the minutes turn into hours, your mind starts filling in the blanks. Did I say something wrong?

Are they upset with me? Did I misread the conversation? Suddenly the silence starts to feel like a reflection of your worth instead of a reflection of their schedule. Here's another scenario. You walk out of a meeting and suddenly you're spending the rest of the day re-playing one person's reaction to an idea you had.

Nine people smiled, nodded, or thanked you for your contribution. But one person looked distracted or uncommint. Somehow your brain completely ignores the encouragement and becomes fixated on the one person who didn't validate you.

It's incredible how quickly our minds gravitate towards disapproval instead of acceptance.

There's a reason for that, and it has very little to do with confidence. Neuroscientists have discovered that social rejection isn't something our brains treat lightly. Research led by psychologists Naomi Eisenberger found that many of the same brain regions activated by physical pain all should become active when we experience social exclusion. In other words, your brain doesn't simply interpret rejection as an unpleasant feeling. On a neurological level, it interprets it as a threat.

Thousands of years ago, that response made perfect sense. Human beings survived in tribes. If you were rejected by your community, your chances of finding food, protection or shelter, dropped dramatically.

It was essential to survival.

Our brains evolved to protect that belonging at almost any cost. But here's what's fascinating. Your brain hasn't evolved nearly as quickly as your environment has. It's still reacts to a delayed text or a critical comment or a lack of approval as though your place in the tribe might be a risk. Well, once protected us can now convince us to question ourselves every time someone disagrees with us.

“I think that's why it's so important to separate two words we often use interchangeably.”

Belonging and approval. Belonging is the feeling that your worthy of love and connection simply because you exist. Approval is someone else's opinion about your choices, your ideas or your behavior. They're not the same thing, but we often treat them as if they are. We begin believing that if someone doesn't approve our decision, they're rejecting us as a person.

Think a lot of child dancing in the living room when their favorite song comes on. They don't wonder if they look cool. They aren't scanning the room to see if anyone else is dancing first. They hear music, they feel joy and they move. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, something changes.

By the time we're teenagers, we look around before we dance. By the time we're adults, many of us say, "I don't dance." When what we really mean is, "I don't want to be judged." That's what constant evaluation does. It slowly teaches us to replace self-expression with self-consciousness.

“We stop asking what feels natural to me and start asking, "How will this be perceived?"”

Without realizing it, we begin performing our lives instead of participating in them. So the next time you find yourself craving someone's approval, I want you to pause before you chase it. Ask yourself a question. Am I looking for information?

Or am I looking for reassurance? Information can make your decisions better. Reassurance might make you feel better for a moment. But if reassurance becomes the thing you depend on before every decision, you slowly lose the ability to trust.

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And that takes us to the third thing I want to focus on.

People don't actually always see you as you are.

Sometimes they see you as you were. Here's what I mean. Imagine you go home for the holidays. You spend the last year growing. You've become calmer, more patient, more confident.

You've learned how to communicate differently. You've gone to therapy. Maybe you just changed your hairstyle. You've set healthy boundaries. You've lost some weight, put on some muscle.

But within 24 hours of being back with your family, you're arguing with your siblings the same way you did when you were 16. It's almost like you've stepped back into an old version of yourself without meaning to. But what if this isn't a reflection on your growth? And is instead a reflection of how other people around you are viewing and categorizing you?

“The truth is our brains create mental shortcuts to make sense of the people around us.”

Psychologists call this confirmation bias.

It's one of the reasons first impressions are so powerful.

And one of the reasons genuine change can take so long for other people to recognize. They're not seeing today's version of you in isolation. They're filtering today's version through years of yesterday's memories. The interesting thing is that we all do this. We still think of someone as their shy one, even after they've become a confident leader.

We still introduce our friend as the silly one, the messy one, or the responsible one, even though they've evolved in countless ways, since we first met them, labels make the world easier for our brains to organize. They also make it harder for us to notice when someone has outgrown them. This is one of the reasons strangers sometimes believe in us before the people who've known us are entire lives.

A stranger doesn't know about your abandoned projects, your awkward first attempts, or the version of you that existed 10 years ago. They simply experience the person standing in front of them today. Meanwhile, the people who love you most are unconsciously comparing today's version of you to every version they've ever known. Here's the paradox. The more energy we spend trying to convince people that we've changed. The less energy we spend actually changing.

We find ourselves explaining, defending and justifying our growth instead of simply living it. But real transformation has never been something you argue people into believing.

That doesn't mean your friends and family don't love you. In fact, it's often because they do. Their picture of you has been built over years, sometimes decades, and our brains don't read raw those pictures overnight.

They're not necessarily resisting your future, they're simply trying to reconcile it with the version of you they've always known.

One of the most freeing realizations you can have is that you don't need everyone to update their picture of you before you continue becoming who you meant to be. Some people will always meet the version of you, they remember. Others will eventually catch up. Your job isn't to manage everyone's perception of you. Your job is to become so rooted in who you're becoming that you no longer need other people to confirm it. Which leads to the next part of this conversation.

“In order to stop seeking external validation, you need to be sure that you're genuinely living in alignment with what you actually want.”

The question isn't, can I achieve this? It isn't do other people think this is a good idea. The question is much simpler than that. Is this actually what I want? Because we could spend our lives chasing approval or we could chase something that genuinely fulfills us.

Psychologists have long studied how our preferences are shaped by the approval of the people around us.

We naturally evaluate ourselves by comparing ourselves to others. In fact, the mere exposure effect shows the more often we're exposed to something, the more familiar and more desirable it begins to feel. In other words, our brains are constantly absorbing ideas about what success, beauty, happiness and achievements are supposed to look like, often without our conscious awareness. I think this is one of the hidden costs of constantly seeking validation. When we become dependent on other people's approval,

we also become more vulnerable to other people's definitions of success. We don't just ask them whether we're doing a good job, we let them decide what the job should be. Little by little, our lives begin to reflect the expectations around us instead of the values within us.

“That's why I think one of the most courageous things you can do is periodically audit your own desires.”

Ask yourself if no one could see this decision, would I still want it? If there were no photos to post, no one to impress, no timeline to keep up with and no expectations to meet, would this still be the life you're trying to build? Those questions don't always have easy answers, but they do have incredibly honest ones. Before you ask the world to validate your dream, make sure it's actually your dream, because there's something even more exhausting than chasing approval.

It's spending years earning approval for a life you never truly wanted in the first place.

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Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options are selected by the customer, availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. That takes me to the last thing I want to hit on.

“If you never want to seek external validation again, you need to become someone that you can trust.”

Once you've stopped out sourcing your definition of success, the question becomes, "What do you replace with?" Most people would answer confidence, but I don't think that's the right answer. I think confidence is wonderful, but it's also inconsistent. Some mornings you wake up feeling unstoppable. Other mornings comparison can have you questioning everything.

That's very human. If your life depends on feeling confident every day, you're going to spend a lot of time waiting for feelings to shift. I think what we're really looking for is something much more stable. We're looking for self-trust. Confidence says, "I think I can do this."

Self-trust says, "Even if I can't today, I know I'll figure it out." That's a completely different foundation. One depends on predicting the future. The other depends on believing in the person you'll be no matter what the future brings. Psychologist Albert Bandura called this self-efficacy. You believe in your ability to handle challenges and influence outcomes.

What's fascinating is that decades of research shows self-efficacy isn't built by positive thinking. It grows through what Bandura called mastery experiences. Every time you do something difficult, every time you keep a promise to yourself, every time you recover from a setback, you're brain quietly gathers another piece of evidence that says, "I've handled hard things before. I can handle this too."

Maybe you script your knee, but each attempt taught your brain something new. Eventually you stopped wondering whether you could write the bike, because your body had accumulated enough evidence to stop asking the question, "That's how self-trust works."

It isn't built in a single breakthrough moment.

It's built through hundreds of ordinary moments of following through.

“This is why I think we sometimes misunderstand what confidence actually is.”

We imagine it's created by compliments, achievements, or people telling us we're talented. Those things can certainly feel good, but they fade surprisingly quickly. Someone compliments your work today, and tomorrow, you're hoping they'll compliment it again. Your post gets thousands of likes this week, and next week, you wonder why it didn't happen again. External validation has a remarkably short shelf life.

I like to think of it this way. Validation is rented, but self-respect is owned. Every compliment, every award, every promotion, every round of applause is temporary. None of those things become a permanent part of your identity, unless you're already learned to believe them yourself. Self-respect is different, because no one can give it to you.

Which also means no one can take it away. It's built every time you choose integrity over convenience, discipline over excuses, and honesty over performance. There's another idea in psychology that I love, called an internal locus of control. It's the belief that while you can't control everything that happens to you, you can influence how you respond. People with a stronger internal locus of control tend to be more resilient,

recover more quickly from setbacks, and experience greater well-being, because they don't hand the steering wheel of their lives to other people's opinions. Feedback becomes something they consider, but not something they obey. So maybe the goal isn't to stop listening to external viewpoints altogether. Wisdom often comes from mentors, loved ones, and people who challenge our thinking. But there's a profound difference between seeking perspective and surrendering your agency.

One expands your thinking, the other replaces it.

Learning to recognize that difference, maybe one of the most important skills you'll ever develop.

The next time you're waiting for someone to tell you you're ready, remember this. There will always be someone who doesn't understand your decision.

“Someone who would have chosen differently, or someone who thinks you should wait a little longer.”

If you spend your life collecting unanimous approval, you'll never collect enough evidence to trust yourself. Because at the end of the day, confidence will come and go. Some days you'll feel unstoppable, and other days you question everything. But self-trust is different. Self-trust says, even if I'm afraid, I'll still show up.

Even if I fail, I'll learn. Even if no one affords or keep going. And I think that's a much stronger foundation to build a life on.

Not becoming someone everyone believes in, but becoming someone you never stop believing in.

If there's one thing I hope you take away from today's episode, it's this. Your life will change the moment you stop treating other people's approval, as a prerequisite for your own decisions. The seven day challenge is brought to you by Ultra Running. Creating space can change everything. Space to think more clearly, move with intention, and focus on what truly matters.

Ultra Running shoes are designed with the ultra fit, giving your feet the room they need to move naturally comfortably and with strength over time. Now, here's this week's seven day challenge. Here's your challenge this week. For the next seven days, I want you to stop looking outside of yourself for validation

and start building trust in your own voice. And each day, I'm giving you one simple thing to do. Day one, make one decision without asking anyone else what they think. It can be as small as where you eat or what you wear. Day two, share an idea or opinion you would normally keep to yourself

because you're worried about how it will be received. Day three, take a 20 minute walk outside without your phone.

“Give yourself space to think and ask yourself, what do I actually want right now?”

Day four, do something you genuinely enjoy without posting it. Photographing it or telling anyone about it. Let the experience be enough. Day five, say no to one thing you don't actually want to do and don't over-explain yourself. Day six, do one thing you've been putting off because you've been waiting for someone else's

encouragement or permission. And day seven, make one promise to yourself and keep it. Go for the run, take the walk, start the project, make the decision. Whatever it is, follow through. At the end of the seven days, ask yourself, did I trust my own voice more this week?

Because self trust isn't something you suddenly find. You build it every time you listen to yourself. Every time you follow through and every time you create the space to hear your own voice

That's your seven day challenge. The seven day challenge was brought to you by Ultra Running. Ultra Fit Design gives your feet the room they need to move naturally for comfort, balance and real strength so you can spend less time standing still and more time getting outside.

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We all enjoy being encouraged supported and celebrated. There's nothing wrong with wanting those things.

The problem is when we begin believing we need them before we're willing to move forward.

Because here's what I've realized. There was no point in your life where everyone is going to agree with you. Someone will think you started to early. Someone else will think you way too long. Someone will tell you the risk isn't worth it.

Someone else will wonder why you didn't take an even bigger one. If you spend your life trying to satisfy every opinion,

“you'll eventually lose touch with the only one you have to live with.”

Your own. I wanted to think about the version of yourself before the world started grading everything. Before likes and followers, before performance reviews and comparison, before you learned that almost every decision could be measured, ranked or judged. Think about yourself as a child.

You probably laughed because something was funny, not because everyone else was laughing. You probably danced because music was playing, not because you were wondering how you looked. You probably asked questions because you were curious, not because you were worried about sounding smart. Somewhere along the way, many of us stopped participating in our lives and started observing them. We became audiences for our own lives instead of participants in them.

Instead of making decisions from our values, we started making them from other people's expectations. We became so focused on being accepted that we slowly stopped expressing ourselves.

I'm not saying you should never care again about what other people think.

But I'm saying that if you learn to care more about what you truly think, you'll save yourself a lot of pointless, exhausting validation chasing. Let external views inform your thinking, but have a let them replace it. Because the people who lead the biggest mark on the world rarely begin with consensus. They begin with conviction.

Long before anyone else believes in them, they decide they're willing to take one more step. Make one more attempt or create one more imperfect draft. They don't wait until the crowd catches up. They trust themselves long enough for everyone else to eventually do the same. So this week, I want you to know it's the smallest moments.

“Notice how often you're about to ask someone else what you should do.”

Notice how often you're looking for reassurance before making a decision you already know the answer to. And before you reach for your phone or ask for the group chat, pause for just a moment and ask yourself one simple question. What do I think? A first the answer might fill them familiar. That's okay.

You've spent years training yourself to hear everyone else's voice first. It takes time to strengthen your own. But every time you listen to it, every time you trust it, every time you keep a promise to yourself. That voice gets a little clearer and a little stronger. You don't need to become someone, everyone believes in.

You need to become someone you believe in. And when you can do that, you'll discover something that no amount of applause, praise, likes or approval can ever give you. You'll discover the freedom of knowing your life is no longer being directed by the crowd. But by your own values, your own choices, and your own inner voice. And I think that's the greatest confidence any of us can experience.

Remember, I'm always rooting for you.

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On app, website or digital tools.

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