The Reality TV Show We’d Actually Win

Part of the fun of reality TV is putting yourself in the shoes of the people you're watching. Maybe you'd make a great real housewife.

Maybe you could win the amazing race.

I'm Stephen Thompson, and on this on-core episode of MPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour, we're not here to make friends. But we are here to pick the reality shows on which we think we could thrive. [MUSIC] Joining me today are my fellow Pop Culture Happy Hour hosts our core for Linda Holmes.

Hey, Linda. Hey, Stephen, I was born for this. [LAUGH] Are you sure? Are you sure?

Hey, I am not here to make any friends today. Too late. No, too late. Nope. None of us for all here to win.

Glenn Weldon is also here, hi Glenn. Hey, Stephen, I'm feeling very attacked. [LAUGH] Well, let's get right into it. Linda Holmes, I want your pick, give me the reality TV show that you think

you, Linda Holmes, could dominate. Okay, well, you know that I am bad at logistics and travel arrangements.

So I had to knock out the amazing race in spite of my sentimental attachment to it.

I don't think I could do survivor because I would get such a sunburn. Ultimately, I went with, and I need you to give me a moment to explain my thinking. But I went ultimately with Chopped.

“Four new contenders are ready to roll, who will be victorious?”

Go faster, faster, faster. And who will be Chopped? [MUSIC] Uh-huh. Now, you got to understand sometimes on Chopped.

In fact, I would venture to say most of the time. It's chefs. If it's chopped in it's chefs, I don't have a chance. But sometimes there's like civilian Chopped. And it's like grandma's or like firefighters.

I'm thinking if there's like podcaster Chopped. Yeah. And my opponents are like Sam Sanders and Sarah Canig. Sure. I'm in that.

I'm in the game. You're describing the college jeopardy of Chopped. Yeah, exactly. It's the college jeopardy of Chopped. That's my milieu.

That's where I'm placing myself for this. I am a pretty decent cook, right? And I have watched, but the point is I've watched a lot of Chopped. And the way that you do well at Chopped, first of all, you have to understand balance.

I think I understand balance. That whole salt fat acid heat, Samine Nostrat thing is that's how you win Chopped. True. That peppermint candy.

That's your sweet, that popsicle. That dollar store Capri Sun Lemonade. That's your sweet and tart. It's got some acid in it. That dried smoked meat that comes from some part of an animal

that you don't personally eat regularly. That salty.

“And that's what you have to understand about Chopped.”

Then you have to know the basics. Don't know what to do with something. Put it in a vinaigrette. Make a brittle. Don't make a bread pudding.

That's a trap. It's a cliche. It doesn't cook all the way through. Instead, make it a liquid and put it in the ice cream maker. And get in the ice cream maker early.

And if somebody's in the ice cream maker before you, clean out the ice cream maker. Because otherwise, they're like a sparic ice cream. We'll get into your ice cream. And I also feel that this is right for me because I have such a fondness for

blank, unbrand named packaging. So my favorite thing is when you open it up and it's pringles. But the can says like, saddle-shaped potato crisps. Because they can't have the label on there.

Or you open it up and it'll be clearly between keys. But it'll say like golden snack cakes with holes in the bottom. Yep. I feel like that would be a delight for me as a pop culture person.

I'm a decent cook. I am going to kill it at podcasts or shopped. I see that pretty. I believe it. You've convinced me.

All right. I should have stopped that. Oh goodness. So this is actually a challenge for me to try to pick her out.

The first thing that came to mind for me was the real world, you know, 10 years ago when I was not in my 30s. But the problem with that, I would probably have been the one roommate who

like you've never really seen.

Because I just decide immediately that I hate everyone. And I'm like, I'm just going to make friends outside of the house. You didn't want to be dramatic. You don't want to get into the-- There's one every season.

Yeah. I don't want to be the Angry Black Girls. I'm just going to make friends and start dating some random guy outside the house. So that would probably be me.

So that's not my top choice. Don't forget thinking about it. I was like, oh, wait a minute. Like, I would be really good on a certain kind of reality dating show. I'm very good at first dates.

Like, they usually lead to a second. It's not hard for me. Blacks. Do I have an eagle about this sure? So my choice is Netflix is, quote-unquote, first original dating reality show.

“And you might not remember this because can we remember a time”

before Love is Blind? I don't know. But there was a time. And that time was around 2019 when Netflix premiered dating around.

I do remember dating around. Yes. Let me refresh your memory.

So basically, every episode is a different single person.

And the single person goes on five dates. And what is different about this show?

“Is that it really tries to go for that cinema baritay?”

And there is no narration. There's no interviews. You get a little bit at the beginning of each episode. You hear this brief waterfall of various disembodied voices of people who apparently know the main data.

I've known Brandon for a few years now. And I think he's so focused on looking for the right guy that he misses the great guys that are writing for them. And they're describing their personality in dating habits. But then after that, you don't hear from them again.

And you just see this person go out on a date. And each of the dates is interwoven into each other. And it's not a competition. I mean, it is. But it's really about dating around.

Yeah, dating around. And seeing the same person interact with five different people. And I really kind of loved this show because of that. I didn't have all the pretensions and there's no expectation of like, we're going to get married at the end of this episode.

And the end of this journey.

It's like they choose one person at the end to go on a second date with.

But that's it. You don't like learn anything else. I also have been told that I don't do a good job of hiding my facial expressions and reactions to things because again, there's no narration.

So they're not like commenting on the dates as it's happening. You're just watching the dates happen. So you don't actually know how they're feeling. And I feel like I'd be perfect because I'd be entertaining. If someone was turning me off, it would be very obvious.

Even if I'm laughing and smiling, my face would actually be like, oh, my god, this is terrifying. I actually brought a clip. And this moment's from season two, where Brandon is going out with five guys. This is one guy.

You can tell this date is not really jibbing. But there's a moment clear moment where it's like, oh, he's not going to get that might cap at the end. Like, he might be sent off. Can I smack a cigarette?

I know, he's the hard one. That's like one of my, yeah, that's one of my turn-offs, but that's you, right? Mm-hmm. You got to make a subordinate.

That would totally be me. What am I turn-offs? But that's you. I would also leave you like that. I'd be that person who maybe you're not necessarily rooting

for to find the right person, but you'd at least be engaged with how I interact with my five different dates, so dating around, I'd be really good at that show. I think so too. I do see this for you because even though I've only gotten to know you through Zoom,

I do know that you don't necessarily have a poker face when it comes to stupid ideas that get thrown up to the world. I also think you are self-selecting because you are. This show was only for people who want to go on first dates a lot, and that is a narrow subset of the population.

That's very true. Yeah, I don't know.

“I think they're fun. I think it's fun to meet new people and have those conversations.”

Especially if I'm not going to see them again, it's just like this is just fun. You know, let's just chill. All right, so that's dating around. Excellent, excellent tech, Aisha. Thank you.

Glenn Weldon, what's your pick? I can't wait. Well, I did process a elimination. A lot of us are doing a skill-based off-the-table. That's your baking show top chef drag race.

Run away, you take physical coordination off the table. That's floor is lava, ninja warrior, wipeout. I am blessed with a certain amount of upper body strength. I work very hard on it, but to use it effectively in those situations, it must be combined with hand eye coordination, which I do not possess.

Like Linda, anything it requires just being organized and letting things you can't control, just kind of roll off your back. Uh, that's not me. So I can't do amazing race. I would be the guy complaining about just how broken my ox is at every situation.

Anything that requires making alliances or just having the emotional intelligence to read the room and understand group dynamics and manipulate them. That takes a survivor, big brother off the table.

“I think the only show it leaves is the show that is made for the cynic, the pessimist,”

the distrustful, I'll say it there, Carmudgeon. The word I'm not using here, though, is paranoid because the show in question is not about paranoia. It's about expecting the worst of other people, expecting that they are actively working against you and being rewarded when you inevitably turn out to be right.

Not only would I be great at this show, I would find this show incredibly soothing,

very therapeutic, because it would just confirm my essential worldview.

I'm speaking, of course, about the mole. Someone is trying to sabotage you at every stage. Hello, mole. Whoever you are. Oh, yes, I knew it.

Yep, and here is the NPR disclosure, a how the sausage gets made, explain it to Rikama about the mole. If you don't know it, we actually recorded this episode a few years ago, long before NPR's own Irish Apparoa was contracted to host the most recent season on Netflix. And he does a great job. He's out there in Malaysia, dressed to the nines, arching that one eyebrow lekkie does.

But when we recorded this, we had no idea any of that was going to happen. But on the show, you get a group of people. And each week, they get divided into smaller groups who tackle challenges. Challenges are very basic. You read the clue, you do the challenge, you get money that is added to a central pot

that the winner takes home. Now, among them is one person whose job it is to secretly sabotage the missions in such a way as everyone gets less money. So the challenge, if you are just a regular contest and then not the mole, is to constantly judge others. Let the record show.

I am making jazz hands. This is my type of shine. There's a little sergeant in my head going, this is what you train for. You just have to be vigilant.

“You have to know where everybody is, what they did or did not do on a challenge,”

because each week, at the end of each episode, you're given a quiz about who you think the mole is and the person with the most wrong answers is eliminated. Now, I would require the crucible of this show to succeed because when it comes to being interested in other people, that's on my vibe, on the mole, there's cash. So I think I would have to work on it, but I'd be fine as a regular contestant,

but I would kill it as the mole. That's the mole. I would kill it. That's perfect. Because there's a very clear strategy, guys.

First few weeks, you fly under the radar. You're trying not to get noticed. I would point on my CV to the four years of high school doing exactly that. Then suddenly, the middle of the, of the run of the show, you have to step up and be seen increasing the pot of money,

you know, succeeding in challenges. Unlikely that I would ever succeed in the challenge, but it's possible. But then as the crowd thins, you have to go out of your way to have people think you're the mole

in ways that the real mole would never want people to think.

So you have people just sitting around going, did Glenn fail that very simple math challenge, because he's the mole, or because he still has problems subtracting from any number that has a string of zeros in it. You wouldn't know, did Glenn really forget the name of the contest, and he spent the last seven weeks with possible.

I would subvert. I would undermine. I would chip away the pillars of capitalist greed that fuels reality television. They would weep.

They would nash their teeth. There would be a rending of garments. They'd never see me coming. I would crush it on the mole. Glenn, I'll just tell you if I needed a saboteur in my day today.

Yeah. I won't come to you. Yeah, I appreciate that. I appreciate that. I'm better at sabotaging myself, but, you know,

with the skills transfer. I got the skills transfer. Well, I feel like these arguments are more compelling than mine. It's about to be. America's next top model.

[laughter] We believe in you. We were counting on you. Because look, I did the exact same process of elimination that y'all did.

Yep, I was convinced for a couple of days that I was going to pick and nail that. And like, it gives you like a disproportionately generous prize for baking a really ugly cake. And I said to my partner, Katie, I said,

I think it's going to be nail that.

“And she said, you know, I think the people who are on that show,”

like, are at least like, sort of, can cook. And I was like, damn, Katie, it sent me back to the drawing board.

What I finally decided that I am good at,

and that I can pull off, is unearned confidence. Sure. And so my reality TV goal is to become a durable meme, okay? By going on any show that has a name like, don't fall in the mud.

So you're wipe out your floor as lava. Holy moly, you could play holy moly. Yeah, I was going to say, hold them, hold them all. That's a show. Yeah, for a while, there was this thing where people

would have to like line their body up to slide through a body shaped hole, like in a cartoon. Yeah. It was a real thing. I completely missed it.

Oh, absolutely. That's the kind of show we're talking about. Let's just say wipe out, right? So step one in this process, I'm going to be at the starting line. And I'm going to be like, I'm going to win.

I'm going to be the, I'm going to win guy. And I'm going to be super, super, super animated about it. Then you can just imagine you're not going to see it on the screen. But just imagine the SpongeBob text five minutes later.

And then I will immediately spick tackyly topple face first in the mud.

Just curse, splat at that point. I intend to be ideally positioned to serve as an avatar for hubris, to be trotted out every election night, every sports championship, everything where somebody professes confidence. Right.

And then the meme will be me saying, I'm going to win. And then that is your dream. That doesn't make sense. Thus, I will belong to the ages. Yeah.

It doesn't make sense.

“That is what everybody who goes on reality TV is really looking for, right?”

It's just to just like be part of the conversation forever and ever.

To be the guy, the hubris guy, I'm going to win.

You would have to fundamentally alter your personality. You're not temperamentally suited to be that hubris guy. You are temperamentally suited for nailed it.

“You have to be agreeable, affable self-deprecating.”

That's what makes a really good contestant on that show.

Someone who's having a fun with it. Someone who's game. And I worry that in striving to become a meme, I think we'd see the sweat.

“I think people would smell it on you, and it wouldn't succeed.”

Let's Stephen have his dream.

Like let him aspire to to meme death. Thank you. I mean, you're wrong, but I still support you.

“All right, well, we want to know what reality show you would thrive on.”

Find us at facebook.com/PCHH that brings us to the end of our show. Linda Holmes, Glenn Weldon, Iyesha Harris. Thanks to all of you for being here. Thank you. Thank you.

I'll see you on dancing with the stars. And of course, thank you for listening to Pop Culture Happy Hour from NPR. This episode was produced by Candace Lim in Ramell Wood, and edited by Jessica Readie. Hello, come in, provide our theme music.

I'm Stephen Thompson, and we will see you all next time.