#473 - Alan Lazaros - The Peak Performance Blueprint They Don't Teach in School

is gratitude because 11 years ago, when I started this podcasting coaching training thing, it was crickets. So now that it's not, I'm very grateful to be here. I won't waste a second of

“anyone's time. Well, God bless. Love that. Yeah, and I'm pumped to talk to you. I think we're very”

like minded individuals. So excited to basically get to know you for the first time through this

conversation. So it's great. So my first and most important question, Allen, is how are you doing,

like, actually, for real, like, how are you doing? Overwhelmed. However, I try really hard to have a mindset where overwhelm is by design because, like I mentioned, the crickets thing. So yeah, definitely overwhelmed. I got back to back all day. I'm going all the way to eight tonight and this week's been heavy, but it's exactly what I wanted. Right? And I always say success doesn't make life easier. It actually makes it harder, but you handle hard, better. So overwhelmed is how, but still grateful.

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that I'm involved in, please go to errandmashbits dot com and sign up for our weekly newsletter. Thank you now onto the episode completely uninterrupted and ad-free. Here we go. Yeah, I think a lot about that word overwhelm. You know, I'm a brand new father. So my son is about

five months old. Yeah, no, it's it's fucking incredible. So I think I feel the same way about it

as you do. But overwhelm in a sense of like, yeah, I think I asked for this. I obviously had sex with my wife. So my wife and I've also made a rule that we're not going to complain about being tired when our son doesn't sleep or whatever the case may be because we wanted this. Now, of course, we get snuck into a little ways where we're like, damn, that was a rough night. You know, but we'll be all right. And so like, I think that sense of overwhelm is like, yeah, I wanted the

clients, the business, the money, the this, the that. And yeah, I feel like a sense of stress or maybe a sense of pressure. But it's like, it could be a potentially feel like a privilege and an honor to be able to do this. And so I sort of welcome that feeling. And also probably if it's an alignment with what you actually wanted, then the overwhelm might be might be, you know, good. If it's not

“in alignment with what you don't want, you just kind of doing something that you thought you should be”

doing. And the overwhelm, I think, could be very debilitating or crushing or, you know, soul crushing or whatever the case may be. Yeah, well said, yeah, it's very aligned. That's exactly my point is overwhelmed by design and definitely aligned. Yeah. Yeah. So before this conversation, I was thinking about this because you have a moment in your life that changed you and so do I. And we can get to that moment specifically. But my real question is, do you think it takes like a moment, a catastrophic

traumatic moment for people to actually realize that life is super precious and they're, they're not doing what they're meant to do? Or do you think now, because we have so many podcasts and stories and narratives that people can change through that, rather than going through, you know, the quote unquote worst day of their life. Everyone has a worst day of their life, you know what I mean? But like, you understand sort of my question. They're like,

anyways, I'll let you take it from there. Yeah, I appreciate it already. This is great. So I think I want to believe that you can change drastically from podcasts like this. What I believe is more accurate is it does take some sort of like a massive humble pie, ego death moment. And I think there's neuroscience under that where trauma can change your brain

And so I had the moment that you were referring to when I was 26, I got in that head on collision in a car. My fault, my dad died when he was 28 in a car. So I was 26 at the time. And when my dad died, I was 3 in 1991. So for me, this wasn't just a car accident. This was like

the second chance he never got. And so the mortality moment gave me all the humble pie. And that

was when I sort of 180 and started down the personal development, self improvement and personal growth road, whereas before that, it was just achievement achievement type of thing. Typical American male think. And so my answer is, I want to believe that the podcast can do it. And I do think it can in small compound effect ways like ways that compound. But I don't think you're going to have the same because what we don't talk about often is the PTSD

side of that. Supposed traumatic growth for sure. 11 years ago, I'm 37 now. I was 26 at the time. That, like, opened my whole world to this new mission. I'm on. However, I was couched phobic. It was tough getting back in a car. You know, I had to walk in and add a doors to try to fight my exposure therapy for couch phobia, all kinds of stuff. So double yellow lines scared me. I kept getting pulled over because I was too far on my side of the road.

“Because I'd crossed the W yellows and gotten in that head on collision. So yeah, I think”

neuroscientificly, I don't know the exact answer. But my intuition tells me that trauma changes your brain in a more drastic way than any podcast can. Yeah. Yeah. I think I tend to agree that with that. Like, I think if you're, if you're someone who's already on the right path a little bit, your podcast can totally give you like that little nudge, that little tweak, that little bit of, oh, that's the fucking light bulb moment now. I can now I really know what direction to go to.

But if you're really like living in, in like basically your life fucking sucks and you're not doing

anything that you want to be doing, I think another podcast is to be like, fuck these guys, what the fuck? They're doing shit there. I'm like, you know, like, sort of just like upset. But really, you're the, what you really think is like, I could be doing that. I'm just not doing it. And then I think that moment comes, you know, you get in a car accident or someone you love dies or someone you see, it's cancer and it's like, holy shit. Like, this life is really,

really, really precious. Then it kick starts you. Then I think once that kick starts you, a great conversation where two dudes who are just like me, we're not special. We're the same as anyone else, right? We just work really hard. I don't know you super well, Alan, but I assume that's like part of

“your deal is like, you fucking work really, really, really hard. That's how to do anything in life. Right?”

And the same can be said for anyone who wants to do anything. And so I think it goes both ways in terms of like, you kind of need that moment, but you also need the stories and insights and narratives from other people who are like one or two steps above you who said, yeah, do this is fucking possible. You can do it. Like it's going to take a lot of effort, some stuff, some coaching, some lonely chapters, some whatever the case may be, but man, totally 100% possible.

We used to say this on our podcast all the time. It was you never get to hell, yes, until you go

all the way to hell, no. And that's sort of the whole rock bottom is the new foundation for my new life. And I think that that's what it comes down to is like my business partner had suicidal ideation in his 20s. We both, six figure earners. I had the car accident. We both had our quarter-life crisis at the same time. And we sort of rebuilt our lives from their point on on sort of personal development and success and podcasting and coaching and training and all this stuff.

But I don't think that would have happened. Had we not both had that mortality moment, like you said, death of a pet, death of a loved one, near death experience, illness, I have one client I coached who was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. She transformed herself now. She's running marathons and all kinds of, she's awesome. And now it's in remission. So but I do think that that same transformation can be achieved, but it's iterative if you're going to

do it without the rock bottom thing. Whereas the rock bottom thing can give you a full sort of

“movie montage makeover for lack of a better phrasing. And then you have to use the compound effect”

to scale it. Yeah. Yeah, there's just guy Brad Stolberg. I don't know if you've heard of him, but he essentially says that. Yeah, yeah, really cool. I've got a brand new book out, hoping to get him on the podcast soon. But anyways, he basically says that 95% of life is things you can grow from. And I tend to agree with that. Yeah. And there's that other 5% that's just like really, really bad. And I think that has to be said because in those 5% that's really, really bad,

You don't need to derive meaning from them. Most of the time you just want to try and get through

“them. But I think the most of us deal with that 95%. That like, yes, we can grow from this. We”

can learn from this. We can become our best version because of this. Yes, it's hard in the moment.

We don't have to force the meaning in this very second. And we don't have to tell ourselves

everything happens for a reason when we don't know the reason right now. But we can't eventually through the proper reflection and all that type of stuff actually blossoming to the best selves. But again, again, I think that separate bucket is that 5% of like, I don't know, something I don't even want to mention the things that are horrible. They're going on in our world currently. That's not something we need to force meaning out of. I think that makes people feel even worse

about their situation when they go through that. And someone's like, "Fuck, and you got it, there's everything's going to be good. How do you fart? Everything's going to be good. What?" I know. You don't like, no, this is terrible. And so I want to just mention that as well.

“Well, I think it's invalidating for someone who has massive injustice happening to them. It can”

feel very invalidating. And especially, and this is the thing that I struggle with now. Dad died at two. Stepdad left at 14. Other just horrible challenges, you know, that there's an adverse childhood experiences. It's called an ACE score. Have you heard of ACE score? No, sir. Yeah. So adverse childhood experiences. You can take a test and a high ACE score is correlated with early mortality. So my car accident was actually kind of on track

because I had a very, very, very, very adverse childhood. Most of which I don't even want to talk about publicly. But now I'm, you know, I was a straight-a student and I got in all the best schools. And now I have this nice car. So someone in those situations is going to be like, good for you, pretty white boy. Like, that what we're doing here. So that's my biggest challenge today is like, how do I get through to people who don't identify with me anymore?

Because I no longer look like an underdog. Right? Yeah. That's truly the true, the power of the narrative, though. But it's interesting when you're speaking to someone, when you want to share your experience, when they're sharing your, their experience, like, sometimes it could feel like you're overtaking them by trying to relate so much via your own experience that you're not hearing them out. I mean, this is sort of the, you know, why coaches are such, you know, masters of their

craft when they can, like, hear someone, see someone understand someone and also relate to them on a very deep level through their own experience, which, like, kind of elevates that person. I mean, you know, I had that with the, with the best coaches I had throughout my sports career, you know, someone who, like, who looks at you and just sees you as a person as a human. Yeah. Not just like someone's potential to. Yeah. But both, both at the same time, that's the key, right? Is you see

where they are now and where they've been? And what could be? Yeah. A lot of coaches only have one of those three. And, and then the, the piece I'll add to that real quick, because this is a good conversation at agility wise. The coach also needs to know when you can't relate. That's the key, like, there, there are certain women of coach where it's like, I, I know I don't know. And that's okay. And then that builds trust too. Yes. Because it's like, you're not going to try to

menu factor belonging that isn't real. That was something I had to learn. Like, don't, like, you said already, like, you work really hard and that kind of thing. And I'm sitting

there going, yes, true. And one of the things that I used to never share, because I came off like a

pretentious. A whole is I also was always fairly gifted intellectually. So, like, straight days was fairly easy for me and that kind of thing. So, it's now I know, because Kevin, my business partner, he said, brother, people can tell that that you don't get them. Because I would say things like, I've never questioned whether or not I can do something. I only questioned whether or not I want to. And he's like, that makes no sense to people who don't believe in themselves. Right? See,

“you're laughing. Brother, I never questioned, like, people would always ask me like, how did you get here?”

And, and how did you know it would work out? And it's like, I never doubted that at all. Like, I just knew, I calculated, okay, podcasts, okay, the future, okay, technology. All right,

helping people, inspiring motivating, educating. I never questioned whether or not we could

achieve a successful podcast. But I did question and go back to the drawing board on how. The whether or not it's possible was never a question. Whether or not it's possible for me was never a question. The how was what I always questioned. I'm still going back to the drawing board on that one. But when people don't believe in themselves, I have a lot, like, a really hard time relating to them. And so that's been a big challenge for me in coaching too. So now what I've had to do is like,

identify when I can't relate. Call that. So then that builds trust. Yeah, good. I'm the, I'm the same as you in terms of belief.

I then knew I could be a professional wrestler. When I started my podcast, I was like,

“this is going to be a hit. I don't care if it takes me 12 fucking years. Like it just like,”

but some people don't have that. And I'm, I'm, my, my upbringing was totally the opposite of yours. In terms of my parents are still together. They're fucking incredible. Have the best parents of all time. Wow. But somehow we still sort of ended up with the same. Yeah. Yeah, believe me. So that's a, that's very interesting. Well, this is the thing, right? Uh, that's called self efficacy. What you have.

Self belief would be the, so self belief is your belief, the certainty you have in your ability to produce

out, external outcomes. So you never doubted your belief to become a professional baseball player.

I resonate so deeply with that. I never questioned whether or not I could be successful. I still don't, but the how is what I'm always whiteboarding on metaphorically. Like the how and you said, even it takes me 12 years. And I try to say this to people. It's like, I did this with a client once.

“How certain are you zero to 10? You can get subway for dinner. Like a sub. She's like 10. I said,”

okay, how certain are you? You can get a sub and eat it and complete eating it within the next three minutes. She said zero. I said, see, it's not that you don't believe in yourself. It's the time perspective that's off. What if I know, and by the way, you're brain data calculation. I have a car. I know there's a subway down the street. I know it's open. I know my credit card will work. I know how much sub costs. I know how I know how to eat. I know how to chew. I know I said the same

is true for building a million dollar business. I just can't do it in two days. It's the same thing. You just reverse engineer it. And it makes it sound for people that struggle. You sound like such a prick. Because it's like, no, no, no, I actually know how to do it. Like genuinely, I know exactly how to do it. I actually coach people and how to do it. And to me, that's the thing that's missing is reverse engineering the external outcome. However, if you don't believe in yourself, you're not going to

set a goal. And if you don't set a goal, you won't build self belief. So you're in a conundrum.

“And that's what I've found is the biggest challenge for people when it comes to success.”

They don't believe in their ability to do the thing externally inside. They always act like they do,

but inside they don't. So they don't set the goal. Therefore, they don't learn the how which means now they don't have the belief. So it's a it's a conundrum. You just stay stuck. I don't believe in myself. So I don't invest in myself. I don't invest in myself. So I get worse results, which makes me believe in myself even less. Whereas you just fail forward repeatedly and massive pain failure and suffering and you still find a way. And same with me. And then

we are on podcasts trying to teach this when we've never struggled with self belief. Yeah. That's that's been my challenge in my thirties right there. What I just articulated for you, it's like people who don't believe in themselves. They don't resonate with the shit. Yes, you got to start with that. You got to start with some sense of some self-image, some identity. I recently released a whole podcast episode about self-image. And what I learned

researching for that episode is essentially like your quote unquote negative self-image is just a pattern of behavior that you learned. So if you just reframe that and say, well, I can I can learn a new pattern. Because I can change and because of neuroplasticity and all these types of things. So what's the new pattern that I can learn? And the same way you develop the habit of being able to brush your teeth, you can develop a habit of changing the way you think about yourself and

yourself image, which obviously relates to your identity, which is like your core values and your repeated beingness. And then you actually can see yourself as a new person. And then you develop a new person. And then you might actually set some goals for yourself that can sort of push you into the future, where you want to be, where you want to be aligned and your, your work, your love or whatever the case may be. Well said, that what you just described though can take three to five years

to even transform your identity, right? And yeah. I always say I'm Alan version 3.7 computer engineers,

so I'm always doing that. It's like if you take the first iPhone and compare it to this iPhone

in front of me, the very first iPhone that was once a revolutionary break through 2007. I was a senior in high school. I'm assuming you're near the same age as me. A little bit. Yeah. 33. Yeah. Yeah. How old? 33. Oh, nice. Okay. Yeah. I look younger than you, but you're younger than me, got it. So, uh, been getting that for a long time. I'm hoping hit puberty at 38, right? There were no, but uh, 2007, I was a senior in high school. iPhone comes out Steve Jobs Apple,

awesome revolutionary breakthrough product. Absolute hot garbage product compared to this now. Terrible. It would be, it would be a trotiously bad compared to what we have now. I hope that's true for everyone else in their 30s, 40s, 50s. Like I hope you get better. The problem is is like if Apple didn't believe in the iPhone, they wouldn't have invested in the research and development team to make a better one. So you, you have to deconstruct the existing iPhone in

the ego death. Because if you, if you don't tear down your old identity, you don't get to reconstruct a new one. And that's very hard to do by choice. Usually that happens after the death of a pattern death of a loved one or an illness or a car accident. Like, and so you, that's the way you've got to start is like self-assess, whether or not you actually have high self-efficacy. And this is subconscious and unconscious, not conscious. Most people think they believe in

themselves, consciously, but the record playing in the background is, you can't, you can't do it.

“It's not going to happen for you. I always say this, why would someone with level 10 self-belief?”

Everyone think of like that friend who appears so confident? Why would someone with level 10 self-belief have level two goals? It's not real. Yeah, it's pretend. It's not real. It's a social front. It's a protector. It's an ego. And then there's some beasts behind the scenes that believe in themselves so much, but they hide it, because socially they don't want to be attacked. Right? So socially, some people puff up to pretend they believe in themselves 10 at a 10, but then

behind the scenes, they don't believe in themselves at all. So they never act on it. You know,

the talkers who never walk, then you have the people who dim socially and like, oh, no, no, yeah, no, thank you. I appreciate it. Like, no, and then behind the scenes, they're animals. Absolut animals. They just never stop. And then when you go back in the social setting, you like dim again, because rocks go up and compliments go down. And so you don't want to be thrown rocks at, and at least I don't. But the thing is is like, what I've found is people are

either socially accepted and valued, and they get their self esteem from that, or achievement behind the scenes and mastery of craft. They get their self esteem from that. Yeah, that makes me think of a UFC fighter simply because like, there are some UFC fighters who look five, six, hundred and fifty pounds, like fucking dweeps. You don't know, but they walk around in flip flops and shorts every day. They walk into the hair salon. They're chilling, normal. And then two days later,

you see him on TV, doing a fucking Superman punch and a fucking leg sweep, sweep combo, chokehold.

But they're not telling everyone they're a badass. They never tell anyone that. They just walk

around with like this real sense of confidence. And like if shit goes down, I can handle myself. Then you have the other dude who's never been in a fight in his life and tries to integrate himself in a group of dudes and he's like, I'm a fucking badass, and every dude's like,

“I'm going to work. That's why, please, please go away. But that's the idea. One's real and”

one's pretend and not like, you know, the UFC fighters is the example, but you can have that in any sense. I think. Same. And unfortunately, I always say the social world in the real world. The social world is the wedding photos, the real world is the actual marriage. The social world is your Instagram account, the real world is how you feel and your motivation when you wake up in the morning. The social world is the car you drive on

Instagram and the real world is your bank account and your revenue and your expenses and your numbers. As a coach of 26 individuals right now, I get to see the Instagram account and the bank account.

They are never the same. As a matter of fact, the biggest bank accounts are not Instagram.

It's been interesting to see. One of my biggest challenges is that we are more successful than we look. And unfortunately, people with generational wealth look really successful, but don't actually know how to earn success. I was going to say, "Go deeper on that a little bit." Yeah. Kevin and I bootstrap the thing with no investors from the ground up. And we're competing with other podcasters, particularly men who are flaunting a lot of external success. And I don't really like,

I do a lot of fitness on Instagram. So I'll flaunt the fitness stuff. I love fitness. Love it. I was an actor more skinny, lanky, you know, didn't hit puberty. Like I love fitness. But I'm not shown in my cars and stuff. And he kept things that hold us back a lot. And the problem is I don't want to be a part of that. Like, I've coached people that are broke as a joke that are their Instagram

“makes them look like billionaires. And it's just, I think it's, it's really unfortunate. No.”

Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. I kind of feel the same way about YouTube thumbnails and click they content, you know. And it's just like, I want to be able to lay my head down at night next to my wife and look my son in the eye and say, "I'm building something." And it's real. It's legit.

he's just going to care about how much time I spend with him. And so I'm building something to be

“able to spend as much time with him as humanly possible. But like, you know, you have this guy”

like someone like Andrew Tade on line, right? All he does is flaunt stuff that guys think are cool, hot women, cars, things of this nature. But he's not living a life that's moral, ethical, or driven by true masculinity or anything like that. Sorry if you're a huge fan of him. No, no. No, you're 100% as a matter of fact, if you, and again, at the end of the day, I try to steer clear of these conversations, but for the point that I'm with you 100%. Absolutely. Like,

what's the point, right? Like, what are you really in this for? And are you just playing perception and click baby content? Poppin bottles with models, or are you trying to build a life that is meaningful? Yeah. And I'm very much on the meaningful side. To the point of, and this is the point is the social world and the real world. They both matter, and you need them both. I got to be an Instagram too. So do you, we're podcasts. It is what it is. But the syntax matters,

real world first. The real marriage first, the marriage photos second. Real bank account first, Instagram's second. It has to be in that order inside out. And I think that a lot of guys fall for the external first and then they're unfulfilled and insecure internally. Because they know it's a show versus the UFC fighters you're talking about. Like, real confidence comes from skills and awareness and understanding and capabilities and capacity and not from, you know,

well, car, you drive. Yeah. Yeah. I think I learned this pretty clearly from my dad. He never

stated it outright. But my dad suddenly walked from self. He's retired now. He works really hard. But basically my whole life, he drove up like a sort of shitty Hyundai a mantra. Nice. It's like, you know, and then when he retired and, you know, now he drives a Tesla, but like,

“that's what he drove. And he was like, Aaron, I don't care. I got to care. I want to take my”

family on nice vacations. I want you guys to have it every one. I want to give you what you need to play baseball. Like, that's what I care about. Whatever car I drive, it's like, if it works great, it's like, and it's car, you know what I mean? So he wasn't concerned about what people thought of. He was also an engineer and kind of have a similar brain that you have. So he thinks in much numbers.

I didn't get that brain. So you're an athlete, man. So sports jacket at heart who's just trying

to understand things as I go. And I just very interested in people and super curious. So maybe that's my, maybe that's my super power. But so I'm in, I'm not sure about my engineering. So I didn't drop you. I sense forever in engineering. I could sense it. That makes sense that you looked up to him. That's great. Yeah. Two of my engineers built the world, man. Engineers built the world. It's, it's the unsung heroes of a lot of a lot of really great things we all enjoy. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm two of my

favorite people that I've ever lived my dad and my sister at both engineers. So for them, man, it's the largest thing I've ever done to date engineering school was brutal. Hey, I can't even brutal. And that's coming from a kid in high school that like, you know, academics came easy. Engineering, computer, electronic computer engineering was two date the hardest thing I've ever done. Yeah. I would. It will kick your butt like you wouldn't believe, man. Yeah. I wouldn't believe

you. Yeah. I got through algebra one and my freshman year of college, not because, not because I'm my own merit. We'll smoke it into that. That was number one, man. If that's as far as you went, we're in different, we're in different world. Yeah. For sure. For sure. We weren't. Yeah. But I'm sure you can throw a baseball father in me. That's for sure. Yeah. Maybe I could hit a baseball. I don't know if I could throw a very far, but I could certainly hit one pretty fast. But you still play in

when did you, what's your story, Avina? I haven't done any research. I played division one ball. I was an all-american. And then I had some offers to play pro ball when I was finished. I didn't get drafted. It made me a little salty. So then I had some offers to go play some minor league ball. And some indie deals that would eventually probably gotten me to double-air triple-air potentially. Yeah. But I decided I was done with that. I wanted to become a professional wrestler.

So that was my career of choice like WWE did that for a while until the catastrophic moment happened that sort of I alluded to and that really flipped my life around and then gone to the podcasting mental health space. I have a nonprofit as well and been doing this for for a while now. Nice. One did you just wind the, you don't have to share if you don't want to. Obviously,

“but out of curiosity, the catastrophic moment. Have you shared with your listeners?”

Oh, yeah. I talked about it almost every episode. So. Oh, okay. All right. So I'm the only one who wasn't know. Yeah. More than happy to share.

Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Really, really, really, really tough. So essentially, yeah. Thank you. Yeah. She may hear memory be a blessing and it absolutely is. So I pretty much everything I've done since 2018 is to learn more about the mind mental health, suicide prevention. So then I've sort of integrated my sports background into helping athletes now.

“And so that's why I have a nonprofit to do that type of stuff. But that's what the podcast was”

driven by and essentially, I was just wanted to have conversations with people, try to learn more about them and be curious about them. So for you. Good for you. Yeah. Way to make it matter. I think it is. I think it is. You know, get matter, man. Good for you. But anyway, that's enough about me. It's supposed to be talking about you. No, it's all right. Great. Full to be a part of it. You know, and what is it? Like the stats are majority of men, right?

Suicide. Yeah. Obviously in this case, it wasn't. So mental health. It's big deal. It's important. It's huge. Yeah. Very much. So yeah. Right now, the stats are a matter of four times more likely to die by suicide than women. So yeah. We need some serious, serious discussion about what's going on with young men. And I was that was about my next question. Because I think when I look at young men and we look at like external outcomes, I think they

actually can be beneficial for the younger men because they're not really, when I look at them, they're not super motivated to get out in the world and do stuff because they've been inundated behind the screen to think they can get everything they want. You know, they can sell crypto online. They can get an AI girlfriend or they can watch only fans and they can chat with these people. And then they're not getting out into the real world sort of becoming the best version of themselves.

And I always say like, you know, once a dude has sex for the first time, he realizes that

“that's what he wants to do better than, you know, masturbating behind a screen, he sees my”

sort of cross language. But like that sort of external motivator can be a driving force. Like, I want to get more money here. I want to talk to more girls. I want to get jacks in the gym. Can be a really good sort of boost of activation energy. Then I think at some point, they need to make the switch to kind of what we did. But we use the moment in our life to make that switch. But I don't, I don't want to see everything online demonizing the idea that external outcomes and

money and status are bad. Because they're, they're not essentially, I think they need to be integrated in sort of harmony. No act like actual question there. But like what are your thoughts, you know, as someone now who's success and runs their own business and has these people that he manages and coaches and like you've lived many different lives in terms of that. Like what would you say to young men? Well, the first thing is you make a good point there is people say it's about the

journey, but the destination you choose in advance dictates the journey. So I, I, I speak in

mostly engineering terms, but people always say like, well, it's the journey in the process. And I

say, yeah, but I drove from Boston, DLA in my early 20s. And that's a very different journey than 30 minutes south. So, so the journey you embark on is predicated on the goal. So what I would say young men is check in with your level of self-efficacy. You can look this up, chat GPT, Google, whatever, self-efficacy. It's your belief in your ability to achieve those external outcomes. And if you have a low, that's okay. Don't aim for the moon land amongst the stars. No,

“that's a terrible idea. That's what we do. But we already have high self-efficacy and we built”

it very young without knowing it. So for someone who's scared and feels trapped by their inability to create external outcomes, I was, you think I look young now, imagine me and I just go, I couldn't get a girl to look at me, right? So I know what that's like in that sense. Play the long game and you can achieve amazing things, but you have to start small. And so you set a level one goal, hit it, self-assign it, then you set a level two goal, hit

it, self-assign it, then you set a level three goal, hit it, self-assign it. The problem is when you're

around your buddies and I used to have a high school friends to college, college friends to corporate, I was in a fraternity, college, the whole night, okay? I used to party, like none of that anymore. And I'm not saying not to explore and I'm not saying not to do that. I'm grateful I did in many ways. That said, what I am saying is, when you tell your buddies at the start of the year that you have a goal to go to the gym once a week to start, they're going to make fun of you.

When in reality, that's a good start. And so Kevin and I, my business partner, we, we were two men, both grew up without fathers, both raised by two women, his mom and his me and my, my mom, my sister. And so we're masculine in life, but didn't grow up in a patriarchal household.

strength, brother. I didn't expect that. Like, that's, we thought, you know, we don't have dads and

“that socks. You know, his dad left when he was born, my dad died when I was three,”

stepped at left at 14. So my point is to, to young men, you get made fun of when you aim small. But that's where everyone starts. And if you feel overwhelmed by this need to be the man overnight, you got to play the long game, you got to opt out of that. And you got to opt into playing your own game and like building yourself from the inside out day by day. And you got to read a book called The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy or people performance by Brad Stillberg or peak or the art of

impossible by Stephen Coler. These books will teach you how to build yourself from the inside out and how to set goals that are optimal within the challenge skill of sweet spot. Like, you had to play T-ball, then baseball, then, you know, high school ball, JV, then varsity, then, you know, double A triple, I don't know, I don't know baseball. But God, yeah, the point is is you, you got to, I didn't just go to engineering school. I had to start with algebra one, then algebra two,

then geometry, right? So you build yourself up over time. And unfortunately, you get made to fun of any time you show a lick of vulnerability as a man, particularly if you have crappy friends,

“I got it. Yeah. Yeah, I think one of the one of the really sort of brilliant aspects of self-efficacy”

is this idea of vicarious learning. And I think part of that is for young men to try and get around

a role model, like one role model can be this, like the basically the determining factor of the

rest of your life, right? Yeah. We talked about a coach. It's the same idea, like one person to see you and be like, I fucking believe in you. And I think where do you have found? We have one. Do I have do you have one, one role model, change it all? No, not one, but I had two coaches that changed me. Coach Smith and in his name is Coach Keith. Those two coaches changed my life. One of them said, good for you. That's awesome. I miss this prior my teacher. I feel like every man has one role model

at the right time that like meant the world. You know, so I just wanted to share that because I think for anyone listening, young men thought like you got to be willing to be vulnerable with a mentor. And here's the truth. You will have the wrong meant. I've had dozens of mentors and coaches.

Some of them in hindsight, it's like, why was I listening to him? You know what I mean? I know you've

got that. I'm 37 now. Like you didn't know shit, son. But I didn't know. So I was so naive. I was just like role model, role model. I regret most of them. But there's a few that were like made it all happy 100%. Yeah. Yeah. One terrible role model, share story real quick. My coach, my last couple years in college is the division one baseball coach. And I went to school in South Dakota where it was very cold. So we're practicing trying to get ready for the season. And all the dudes

are out. All that everyone on the team is out on the field practicing. It's really cold. But we need to get out there just like get some work done. And whereas our head coach, he's coaching practice from the press box because he's too cold to be outside. And that to me was just the most disrespectful thing I've ever seen in my life. Now, when I was 19, I called him an absolute fucking gigantic pussy and sort of everyone on the team. But I see it in a different way now. It's

“like that guy is not willing to go to war with his dudes. Yeah. And I think a good coach or a good”

role model is willing to go to war with you in sort of whatever sense you need. Like you got into some big trouble. You don't have any parents to call, but you call this role model. Because you know he's not going to judge you when he picks you up. He's going to be like, I love you. There's consequences, but I'm going to take care of you. And I'm going to be able to tell you, you know, I think that I learned sort of the reverse role model of what if I was ever going to coach a team

and I coach baseball on the summer now, I've 18 year olds this summer. I know exactly what I don't want to do. Like when war in the trenches and some happens, I want to be there with my dudes, building them up, picking them up, fighting their battles for them. Their coach yells at them or the Empire has some issue. I'm stepping in because I'm the one who can get thrown out of the game, not them because their their careers on the line doesn't matter for me. Those who cares.

Right. And so there's also going to be in your life for young men, reverse role models. But it's really hard when you're young to know that that's a reverse role model. You don't know that. You're like, yeah, because it looks like it's cool to get to that statusy place. And they love that. They love being, it's a power trip, man. But a great role model leads the charge. Lead's by example. I call it, I picture an arrow and I say this to my team, too. I have a 23

person team now and started just Kevin and I, and I call it the arrow. If anyone ever, oh, like commits more and that works harder than me at my company, I'll fire myself straight up. I'm not joking. Like, and they know it, too. Like, I will set the pace. I'm not going to

Like, no, come on. That ain't it. Yeah. That ain't it. That's absolutely not. Can't have it. And isn't that why you do this? Like, isn't that the point? I don't want to. That's not meaningful.

“That's not meaningful, right? So yeah. Yeah. That's what I always wanted. So be the change in the”

world that you wish you had. And I don't know about you brother, but I had to realize at some point

that because I was always looking up. Mail, low model, after mail, role models started falling

from the pedestal, right? And I wasn't that you've kid who wanted that. So that's what that was. And somewhere in my 30s, I was like, oh, no. Like, I don't really have any heroes left. And my beautiful girlfriend in future wife Emilia said, it's time to be your own. You know, like, you, you got to stop looking up and you got to start. And I was like, yeah, it's time. It's time to be the father I never had. You know, I don't have kids. Yeah, but I'm intending. And like, we already have

a, you know, a road map. We don't, we don't have it yet. A lot of people think that's weird. We, we vision board. We call it vision hearing. Yeah, my wife and I did the same thing. We planned it. Nice. Good for mom. Yeah, dude. I can't wait for you to be a dad. It's fucking sweet. Everything, everything you learned as a coach, a podcast or your whole life will be distilled into just trying to pass it on to this young boy. And my son's only almost be five

months old, right? So I'm not teaching anything and he wisdom yet. But like, yeah, I want basically

“my soul goal as a dad is that he knows that hopefully his goal in life is also to leave the”

world a little bit better than he found it. Same. It's good. I think I can distill all of my wisdom into that. Um, and that'll be cool. But also I can't wait to go to WWE shows with him in fucking wrestling at the house. Yeah, whatever the case. Have a fucking dude to hang out with. You know, my buddy, who I, it's crazy because my buddy, who I started watching wrestling with when we were 13, also just had a son. Oh, cool. Down the street. It's like, whoa, what a second generation of wrestling

fans. It's like, you know, life just kind of works out in really cool sort of mysterious ways. But there's one last thing. Well, there's actually quite a few more things I want to touch on. But before we have to go, I want to ask you about these three things that you talk about. It's like health, wealth, and love. How do you, how do you distinguish between those two things or are you working them all one time? Like, what does that mean? Because people talk about those things all the time.

They're normal words. But I feel like they need more to you. Thank you. Yeah. So you've obviously then your research. I appreciate it, man. Respect. So I've been trying to figure out this thing we call life. My whole life because I, when I was a kid, I, my mom and stepdad, they like to party, and they didn't surround themselves with the most conscientious, respectful mature adults. Let's just say that. Okay. And so I looked around as a kid and I was like, you guys all seem miserable to me.

Marriage looked horrible. You guys don't even like each other. Never mind. Love each other, right?

You all wait for Friday. You hate your careers. So I remember thinking like, I get, and so I got an argument with my mom and my 20s. I've talked to her about this. So if she were to hear this, we're good. And she said, why doesn't intelligence matter so much? Why isn't enough to just be nice, right? That was, we were, we were arguing. And I said, that's, now remember, this is me and my 20s. This is an ego version. I was like, I remember thinking like, that's a stupid question I've ever heard.

What's the difference in a smart phone and a dumb phone? The smart phone is more capable, right? But I basically said this to her. I said, I'm trying to figure out the formula to not end up old and miserable like everybody else. Now, here's the truth. I now realize I was in an echo chamber of people that really weren't fulfilled. I call it the boulevard of broken dreams, playfully where I grew up. A lot of people would be upset with that. It is my truth. Now, that said,

I was like, there's gotta be more than this. So health wealth and love was what I came up with. Two, the things that really matter. We have a saying in our relationship. Everything that matters and nothing that doesn't, health wealth and love. So health is physical, mental, emotional spiritual. And as an engineer, I break everything into its smallest components. So it's fit, and I could keep going. So health is physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. And I could break each of those up,

but we'll keep it there. Wealth, how you earn your money. Do you, are you fulfilled by the work

you're doing the world? Is it meaningful work for you? Not to you always want to do it, not to

you love what you do. You never work a day in your life. But like, is it meaningful work for you? That's number one. Number two, is it increasing or decreasing based on where the economy is going? I always say don't sell horses when cars are invented. Playfully, obviously, I love horses. Okay.

“Wealth, the third one, is where do you invest it? Not spend it, but invest it. You have to invest”

money to make money. Tools for success, air pods, iPhone, whatever, internet, you name it. So that's

friends, colleagues, clients, mentors, mentees, relationships. Now, here's the problem and I didn't realize this 11 years ago. I didn't realize how atrociously hard this was going to be. If you're top one percent in health, top one percent in wealth, and top one percent in love, the numbers are crazy. That's one over a hundred times, one over a hundred times, one over a hundred,

which means you're one in a million. So if you believe you can be one in a million,

you're as crazy as I am, go for it. I don't want to be healthy and wealthy, but not in love. I tell her that all the time. I don't want to be at the top of this mountain, not in love. We have a company together. Like, the divorce rates are really high and a lot of businesses fail. We're combining them. So let's be very humble here and I don't want to be at the top of this mountain, not in love. Business Allen can be a dick compared to intimate relationship balance.

So I got to be careful here, right? My point is, I had mentors, multi-millionaires, one billionaire, famous people, you name it. None of them had all three. None of them had all three. The wealthiest people that I had mentoring me were divorced and overweight. And they were miserable, brother. They weren't that happy. And I remember thinking, like, you're smarter than that. You literally

“ran a billion dollar company and you're not smart enough to figure that out. What are we doing here?”

But now I realize that I'm the weirdo. I want to be the healthiest wealthiest and most in love version of myself every single year for the rest of my life. And I will invest all my time and effort into that every day for the rest of my life. And that is my promise to myself. As a young man, if you're out there watching or listening, I highly recommend you do that. And then, yeah, probably put them in order of syntax. For me, health is first. I was prepubescent, couldn't get a girl

look at me, fitness is my favorite. Okay? It always will be always has been never going away.

Well, this second love is third because if I'm unhealthy and I don't have enough money, I'm not going to be able to build the relationship. That's my syntax. But I can't live a life where I don't have all three. And it's not an endpoint. You never get there. This is a mountain that gets higher as you climb it. And it's like a tripod. If one leg falls, they all fall. So health

“wealth and love, I think is the solution we all really want. And I think happiness, quote, I'm”

quote, is a byproduct of that. Yeah. I 100% agree. I think Naval has, I'm roughly paraphrasing this quote, but he's like, if you were so fucking smart, he doesn't say fucking I just say it. Yeah. I believe it was, yeah. I believe it was, if you're so smart, why aren't you happy? Essentially is the idea. It's like, if you're so smart, why can't you figure out how to be happy? And I agree. And the reason I like your health, wealth and love so much is

because I have my same three, which are slightly different, but the same, I say energy, work and love. Basically the same idea. It's like, I got to have to get my energy, right? Which is the same as health. I have no energy. Then I'm not the person. I want to be whatever. Same idea, exact information. You gave work as wealth and then of course love. And I put those in separate buckets. Because when I shut off my computer and I'm done, I'm going into deep love now. My son of my wife or

right inside my son of my wife. Yeah, or inside my house. I'm again to deep love after that. And so I like that version. I think people should have the sort of core buckets that they want to put their life into. That make them sort of the most fulfilled aligned version of themselves. So when life does get really unshaky and things happen and something catastrophic happens, you do have that foundational piece to like, okay, this keeps me sturdy. This is my process. This is my routine.

I have a lot going on, but if I pour into these buckets, I know basically I'll be able to handle

“it or have the capacity to handle it. Yeah, I mean, and that's how you become the best version of”

yourself, right? So I'm with you 100% we're very aligned. A lot more aligned than I originally thought

nothing against you. I just you never know when you go on these podcasts. You said it because you

did research. I respect that I appreciate it. I wish I had done more research, but we definitely agree on a lot of things and we have similar philosophies. And even if we don't agree on everything, of course, that's okay. I think the only wrong answer is to not contemplate this stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I don't even, I probably don't even agree with myself from like two weeks ago. So yeah, that's that's a tough part of being a podcast for sure. You know, it's like,

so what, three years ago you watching episode, you're like, oh, I've evolved a bit since then. Yeah, I can't believe I said that. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of funny. But that was Allen version 2.7. Yeah, it's hilarious to go back and look at some episodes. But that's why they're there, public platform for all eyes to see including my own to to, yeah, anyways, but it doesn't matter. Just do that. And I appreciate it. It's conversation man. Very much. Is there anywhere you want to

point people? We'll we'll link some descriptions in the bottom. But is there anywhere you want to tell

being the male role model I never had. Kevin and I are kind of doing that next level you. It's

“next level university, but it's next level you pun intended like next level. Why are you? It's not about”

Kevin. It's not about me. It's about you. And we do an episode every day. If and I used to want to be for everybody and now I know I'm not and I'm not even trying to be anymore. I've matured past that phase.

There was a phase where you try to help everyone until you realize that's wildly unintelligent.

So if you have high humility and high work ethic and high improvement orientation, you are our

“absolutely people, which means humility is what you don't know is limitless, what you do know is limited,”

and you know that. Work ethic is nothing works unless you work despite what a lot of the internet wants to tell you these days. I don't know where what happened in the 21st century where like hard work is no longer awesome. I don't even get it, man. I got nothing for you on that. So if you don't like work ethic, don't reach out to me under any circumstances. You're going to

“absolutely hate me. And then the last one is improvement orientation, meaning you actually take feedback”

and want to improve yourself. Because if you don't have those three, we've found that you're not going to like us anyway. So go somewhere else. But if that's you, yeah, we have a resource for you

that's totally free every single day. The mentor you've always needed in your pocket every single

day for anyone on the planet completely free success and personal development. So thank you for having me and I appreciate it and we'll definitely connect again. Cheers. Thanks Alan. Thank you. Thank you very much for tuning into that episode. If you enjoyed it, please share it with a friend because the podcast grows from people like you sharing it with people like you. And the number one question I get asked is how do I improve my life? Well, the fastest way to improve your life

is not by adding new things to serve you, but quitting what no longer does. So start transforming your life two day by downloading my free guide at ironmashbits.com/quit. That link and every other link to support the podcast, including a link to our exclusive community on Patreon, can be found in the show notes below. Thank you very much. Lots of love and I'll see you next time.