My Affair Ruined My Relationship With My Son

I had an affair and I had a 16-year-old son and my relationship with him is not good.

It feels like someone has died. >> Yeah, they have.

“I'm assuming during moments of clarity you've sat down and said, I was wrong.”

I blew this thing up and I'm sorry that I blew your life. [MUSIC] >> Yo, what's up, what's up? >> This is John, the Doctor of John Deloni's show, coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls.

Real people going through real challenges. I'm a real person, I'm a real boy. And we are taking your calls on what's going on in your marriages and your mental and emotional health with kids, family, life, everything. You're going to be on the show, go to Johndeloni.com/ask and

please take 30 seconds really quick, really quick and hit the subscribe button. Whether you're watching this on YouTube or you are listening on your favorite podcast player. All right, it's got to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to Dale. Hey Dale, what's going on?

>> Hey, Dr. John, how are you? >> Doing all right, how about you? >> I'm doing good, thank you. It's an honor to speak with you.

“>> It's an honor to talk to you, what's going on?”

>> Thank you.

Well, I've listened to your show for years and always respected your advice and just thought I would.

I would write in with my, with my issue and see if you had any words of words of advice for me. About two years ago, I got divorced, I had an affair and I have a 16-year-old son and my relationship with him is not good. He is extremely hurt as I can understand from what I did and we really don't have a relationship at all. I have legal joint custody of him with my ex, but he has never spent the night with me. He rarely communicates with me all the weeks at a time without seeing him and it's just been really hard.

I just, I don't know what to do. I've gone to, gone to counseling and, you know, they pretty much just said, just give it time. He's in a really hard age and this is just going to take time. But that's really hard. I can't, um, I'm so in love with my 10-year-old daughter and I'm so in love with my 15-year-old son.

I can't imagine being in a place where they either one of them said, "I refuse to see you." Yeah, it feels like someone has died. Yeah, they have. I mean, what was your relationship with him is died? Yeah, it's over.

Yes, yes. Yeah, um, I'm assuming, during moments of clarity, you've set down and said, "I was wrong. I blew this thing up and I'm sorry that I blew your life up." Over and over. Okay, all right.

I've written, I've written them in, oh, you know, a couple of letters. Yeah. I've owned Mama Stakes. I mean, I've, I've done about all I know to do at this point. Okay, so here's the hard terrifying reality that you face, okay?

And it's just going to take something that very few people have. And you're now aiming for a relationship with your 25-year-old son, not your 16.

“And what that means is, you have to simply just keep showing up for the next 10 years.”

Okay. But I'm going to write him a letter once a week. Okay. And knowing he may not read it, I'm going to send him a text message twice a day. How do you do that, um, so?

But here's what we're looking for.

We're looking for a decade worth of evidence that my mom's character is complicated. And one time she did a really bad thing that had a really negative effect on me. And I have a decades worth of evidence that she's a person who owned her mistakes, and she's a pretty amazing person. She never stopped coming for me.

And that will be exhausting and tireless and heartbreaking. And here, I'm going to be super honest, it may not work. Because I don't know what he's getting fed by his dad. Right. But I want there to be evidence on never stopped coming for you.

However, that looks like for you. Yeah. You can't buy your way back. Yeah, he plays baseball, so I make sure to show up at every game I do.

And that all you can do at this point is to continue to show up.

Okay. And to continue the invites, even if you know he's going to say no. Yes.

“Are you still with the person you had the affair with?”

I'm not. Okay. All right. And also, here's another tension. Anytime he has a feeling of, I missed my mom.

I just want to hug my mom or I just want to go home. There will be a hot burning fire of disloyalty against his dad when he feels like that. That makes sense. And so, know this that every time he does say yes to you, he's doing that at the expense in the sound strange of his 16-year-old conscience,

which is I'm being unloyal to my father.

Yeah, and I know that's a lot of the motion to process for 16-year-old.

I mean, I can't process that. I'm way older than 16, right? I mean, the thought of being disloyal to somebody is such a core value of mine. Like being loyal is such a core value. That if I'm doing something that I think is disloyal,

it, ah, dude, I can't deal with that. Yeah, yeah.

“But I've heard that over and over and over and over from countless teenagers who are going through”

divorce, which is anything I do, I feel trapped because I missed my dad. I missed my mom. But every time I send a text back, I feel like I just, I was just loyal behind my dad's back. Right? I hadn't really thought about it like that before.

And so, if you think about this way, it might be that he doesn't want to be around you right now. But it might be, and this sounds crazy, he can't be. Because it's such a conundrum, like a conundrum of consciousness that he's found himself in. Yeah. And so, I, I, as an adult who loves him, I'm going to do my best to not put him in those conundrums.

Okay. But I'm going to damn sure let you know every opportunity I can. That I kept showing up and I kept showing up and I kept showing up. Yeah. He will have no evidence to the contrary that mom is in his biggest fan.

I hope you won't. Well, I can absolutely do that. But it's going to be hollow for a long time. Yes. I can't even imagine it might have hurt.

Well, and, you know, the guilt from it. Of course, of course. Of course. It's, it's a lot. Yeah.

So yeah. Yeah. One day at a time. Yeah, one minute at a time. Yes.

That is, that is very true. What does healing look like for you now? Well, we talk a lot on the show about like, what do I do when somebody else does something to me? I don't think we spend enough time wrestling with like,

“what if the pain in our life is because we did a thing?”

Yeah. Well, my fate has grown a lot. I find a lot of peace in that. I do have a wonderful group of friends and a wonderful family who have done nothing that support me for the last two years.

I have a little dog that I love. I have a wonderful job. I'm just, I'll wake up every day and remember what all I have to be thankful for. Yeah. And I thank God multiple times a day for all of my blessings.

When I first left, you know, I prayed that my son would change his mind that he would come back to me.

And I've stopped praying that specific prayer. And it just said, God, your will be done. You know, if your will is for him to open his heart towards me, that your will be done. And I challenge you on that.

I've found, yeah, absolutely. What if you shifted your mindset, your, your prayer is the way you see it as, give me opportunities to love him well. Okay. And do your God, please help that he knows he has loved.

Okay. What I don't want to do is, and again, I know this is in the, in scripture, not, but like, your will be done has a, I'm taking my hand. I'm just, I'm parking the car now. Yeah.

Versus. I can see that. I want to make paths clear for me. On where I can show up. And so like, taking out of this context, because I know this one's raw.

Like, I'm not going to pray a prayer of, there's so many home, hungry people in my community. Your will be done. Right. That's not, that's not my prayer.

My prayer is, help me with, have eyes that see.

And help me have a discipline not to blow all my money on stupid stuff.

“So I can be of service and of care and love to people in my neighborhood.”

Like, that's the prayer. It's an action. It's an action. And if you pray for help my son feel loved, it might be, that's where you begin to let go of.

He doesn't feel loved when I keep harassing him to come and stay at my house. He's already told me now. But he'll feel loved when I say, I'm inviting you, no pressure to come, I miss you. And I hope you have in a great weekend.

Yeah. I don't ever want him to feel like he has to take care of you. No. Because he's 16. No, that's not his place, not his job.

Yeah, there we go, it's awesome. Yeah. Day to time. Yes. And you know what, might be crazy.

Write a letter to 25 year old him. And write him a letter about all the time. I'll just hold it. No, write it right now. And don't send it to him.

But in that letter, do you tell what you did

“so that he would know his mama was always coming for him?”

And maybe when he's 25, you can hand it to him. But I want it to, it can almost be a road map for you to follow over the next. I don't know. 5, 10, however long, how many years? Be a road map there.

Yeah, you can follow. I'm going to write him a letter every week. I'm going to send him a Starbucks thing on a telecount every week. I'm going to fill in the blank. I'm going to be at every baseball game I can be at.

And when I go up to the dugout to walk by and say, hey, I love you and he rolls his eyes at me. Hopefully his dad will say we don't do that. But I'm going to tell my love him again the next time. And when he says one day, I don't want to have any contact with you.

Say, I'm going to honor that. I love you. And I'm going to write him a letter every day. Just not mail it so that if contact is ever restored, I can say, hey, I wrote you letter every week.

I lost four years when we weren't talking.

I want you to know and never stop thinking about you.

There's a lonely, lonely place to be.

“But I think it's the right step for a mom who wants to make sure”

her son knows you're always loved. All right, when we come back, a man asks how to live with integrity when being honest about his faith make cost him relationship. I just got back home from an amazing elk hunting trip in the mountains of New Mexico.

I was with my son and some other men and their sons and all of us. We're using Montana Knife Company Knives for the duration of our trip. Why? Because Montana Knife Company Knives rule. They're designed and tested and built right here in the United States of America by real hunters.

And we all got back to our hunting camp and we got back home. We used Montana Knife Company Kitchen Knives to cook and eat and prepare our meals. Why? Because they're also amazing. They're razor sharp right out of the box. They're tough enough to be used every day and I love them.

But here's what really sells me on Montana Knife Company Knives.

They stand behind their work for life. When your knives need sharpening or if they ever need to be repaired, you just send them back to Montana Knife Company and they will take care of everything. These are the kind of knives your grandkids are going to fight over someday. If you're looking for knives that are built to work and built to last,

go to Montanaknife Company dot com and see what's available right now. That's Montanaknife Company dot com. I've been talking about how much I love poncho shirts for years. If you've seen me on stages or around town anywhere, you've probably seen me wearing poncho shirts.

And now I'm seeing them on members of my audience. I just did a big live event. Lots of people showed up wearing poncho shirts. Even my co-workers are wearing poncho shirts. And everybody's hitting me up for free poncho shirts. Why? Because they're the best men's performance shirts anywhere.

Head to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney right now to get yours. I want to talk about a few of their shirts real quick. Poncho denim has that soft, a broken infield with a little stretch. Like you've worn it over and over and over again, but it still looks and feels awesome. And poncho flanels come in original or western style slim or regular fit.

And they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. And even though they're soft, somehow they're also tough and super comfortable.

Head to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney and get 10 bucks off your first order

when you sign up with your email. Again, that's ponchooutdoors.com/deloney for 10 bucks off your entire order. It's got the Phoenix Arizona talk to Eli. What's up Eli?

Give me some time. Of course, man. Thanks for calling it. What's up?

Yeah. Yeah. So I don't have a great way of word my question.

“I think every time I try and write it out, it feels a little bit like too specific to one thing.”

But I think a general way to start would be I feel a conflict in my situation. Between my desire to have integrity and my desire to maintain relationship. Whoa, I would say this any relationship that cost you your integrity is not a relationship worth holding on to. Sure. Yeah. But I'll say this before you even go in. I'm going to ask you details because I want to put a caveat to that.

Okay. Um, you know, no, I'm not. I'm just going to keep. I'm going to keep moving forward.

So go ahead. What are you struggling with, man? Yeah. Well, so I'll give a little bit of a background and I might ramble. I'll say feel free to stop me any time. Dude, I'm cheaper. I'm a little brother. We'll ramble on together. Go for it. Cool. Yeah. So I was raised, Christian, and my dad was a pastor of like a non-denominational evangelical church. And growing up me and my family were

super involved. You know, I'll be through high school. I have super involved. Anyways, while I was off in college, I went through some kind of church hurt and also just a lot of like experiences that were new and came to the conclusion that I was better described as an agnostic. Um, but I didn't like really identify that way to my family. Um, I was kind of, you know, just like not explicitly lying to them, but also not like

outwardly telling them, you know, or standing up and saying things that would be super uncomfortable for me. And so, you know, when topics of religion or things like that came up, I just kind of like, you know, said like, "Uh-huh." Or, you know, like, not at a long, um, and then fast forward, you know,

at the end of college and going into my first year of like being a professional,

I just really struggled to like connect, meaning fully with people, whether that be like deep friendships or any like meaningful dating relationships. And so, uh, then fast forward again about, um, you know, a year and a half after college, I reconnected with a childhood friend of mine from my hometown, and I fell in love. And, you know, this was like the first meaningful relationship I felt in a really long time,

and so I pursued it, um, and she is a Christian, so I kind of pursued, I like chose relationship or the way I'd think about it as I chose relationship over holding too fast to my, like, you know, holding onto my beliefs too tightly. So I started going to church again, and, you know, within a small group and didn't really hold back questions and such. Fast forward again, uh, just over a month ago, we got engaged, and ever since then,

I've just been feeling a lot of like stress and heavy introspection about my values and beliefs and where they might differ from my family and my faith community and her family.

“And I don't really know how to navigate that because, you know, I think there's a lot of really”

complex ideas or like, you know, things I don't understand about faith, and then I think a lot of people in history don't understand, and like I read about those, and they don't necessarily just like make sense all of sudden, but then I also don't want to just like hide, um, in the face of some big, like life decisions or, you know, um, like a wedding day type, you know, who I present myself to be to my future family and everything. So yeah, um, and there's so much here.

The question that keeps like, I'm trying to sort, like, whenever somebody tells me their story, I'm trying to find a through line. Okay. I'm trying to hear your story and hear how you're saying it, and what's the story behind the story behind the story? The question that keeps rising up to the surface for me is this one, and it's kind of happening over and over again. Okay. Okay. Why don't you like you?

“Um, I think I don't know. I, if I listen to your show and I've heard that question a few times,”

and every time I hear it, I'm like, I kind of ask that question myself, and I, I think I do like parts of me a lot. I know, but that's not what I'm asking. You think something is fundamentally wrong with you, which by the way, is as hard to hear, it's not uncommon for pastor's kids.

also confidence myself because then I would be more willing to say that to other people, but

“like, I, I don't know. I have so many people around me that like treat certain things as”

kind of obvious, right? Like, in relationship to faith, and they just aren't to me. And so it's really like strange that I find people that are, it's very hard to find people that don't want to just like give you an answer because, um, you know, the people I talk to about my faith are Christian often want to like, you know, I don't often feel a sense that they want to walk alongside me, and they want to like correct me. And then on the other side, like when I talk to a more

non-Christian or like someone who does kind of see things similar to some of the ways that I do, then they kind of just don't care. They're like, well, like, just, yeah, but move on with it, you know, and I'm like, well, I don't feel like either of those fully represent what I'm thinking through, you know? Sure. And, and all of that is characteristic of somebody who spent their life performing. Yeah. And at some point, your avatar runs out of gas,

because your body is still solving for reality all the time, regardless of what mask you're putting on. And I could tell you how me and my wife have solved this in our house and how I've dealt with it. Okay. Because I'm exactly where you are. I have my beliefs and I hold them very loosely,

“because if one through line in my own life has been, I believe things and I'm wrong a lot.”

Right? And yeah. Um, but I'm pretty anchored into my values. And so my wife and I anchor into values. It is not that one of our values together is not

we're going to believe the same thing always. In fact, I don't want that kind of mirror. It's

a boring life. But our value is, for me, my wife, there is something bigger than us out here. And so we, a value we share is we're going to continue to pursue that with everything we got. And so we're anchored into the same value. And over the course of my 23 and a half years of being married, I've been super Christian. I've been an atheist. I've been a full, Calvinist for a decade. I've been a, like, I've been all over the place. But the guy she married

was a guy who was always seeking. And it would be a violation of our values if I threw my hands of a quit. Sure. But believing different things, right? If she said, here is a value that we will

have the same belief on this thing. Our relationship never would have worked. But the challenge

you're going to run into is the longer you perform, the more people, including yourself get hurt. Because really performance is a really eloquent way of saying dishonest. And can I add one more caveat to that? It is not dishonest. And this is a weird cultural thing that's been going on for about a decade. It is not dishonest to not, to not answer questions that you're not asked. Right. Right. And so people are like, I just need to be my true self. And every time I walk

into my family's talking about things, I have to insert my insert religious or, like, sexual orientation or, like, political. You don't. You don't have to. You can be in the presence of people who are saying things you don't agree with. And still be fully you. And you can still love those folks. Still care deeply. Still show up for them in the middle of the night when they need you. And not hang out with them every day. There can be certain conversations. I have family members that we

“have a more important. We don't talk about certain things. Because we love each other and we're invested”

in each other. And that always gets nuclear. And that's not us not being our true full selves.

It's us being wise about our relationship. Yeah. Yeah. I think that does resonate true with me. The, like, but then situations come

And I, I just think about, like, okay, if we were at like a dinner table someday. And they,

“or, you know, like, honestly, if we're right now, we were all sitting at the dinner table. And they”

asked me a question about some, you know, very foundational Christian thing. I just know my fiance's like, stressfulable would go to, like, a thousand. Because I talk with her very openly and honestly, and, like, she knows what I think. But her family doesn't necessarily know that. And so, like, I don't know how to, like, love her in that moment without just, like, you know, you can't, like, you can't own the feelings in her chest. You could own the way you were hospitable in your

answer. Right. So if they put you in a situation that you know, like, it, like, let's take it out of

this context. One day, she can come to you and say, do I look good in this dress? And you can go,

nope, you're too fat. You could say it like that. And that would be cruel and insensitive. And it might also be the truth. Or you could say, I like the other dress so much better. Or you could wink at her and say, would you wear that dress that I love? And she would know exactly what you're saying, but that would be in a way that you'd be saying the same truth in a way that honors her. You go and I'm saying it. Yeah, I mean, in respects her dignity. And so when you're sitting at a table,

surrounded by people who believe differently than you, which has been the majority of my life. Right. I'm sitting at table, and someone says, what do you think about filling the blank

religious story? You could say, I actually don't believe that at all. And people who believe

that are crazy, I think. Or you can say, I am in a season of just wrestling with all of it right now. And I'm really honored to be around folks who have a pretty secure attachment to some of these ideas, because it helps me feel a little less crazy. Right. Yeah, that's just being kind. I'm not going to blow up your dinner. I'm not going to blow up your life. I'm not going to send you.

“And here's the thing, I've come to have a deep compassion for folks who are highly religious on”

any spectrum because, and those who quote unquote, like you said, try to fix me. You're solved me. I actually have a lot of respect for that. Because if they think that me being wrong is going to cost me eternity, think God, they feel courageous enough to speak up and try to save me. I have compassion for that. Right. I get to decide with what I do with their responses. Do I let them shame me? Do I send me off on a whole quest of, oh my gosh, or do I say,

my God, thank you for shoving me out of the truck that you feel like is coming right at me. I'm really grateful for that. Right. And then I'm going about my day. And you know, there's a scripture says faith is a gift. I didn't get that. I didn't get that gift. And I'm actually jealous of people who are just like, this is it, period, and a sentence. I'm jealous of folks. Like, I really am. I wish I had that. Me too. I feel that exact same thing. Right.

And I'm not any better that I asked card questions. And then I can pick apart people's answers. And, but I'm not. And I've also had to follow, like, I came to this backwards. I came to the through the social science data, which was like, the rhythm of getting up and going to church is good for you and for your family. And so I literally started going back to church not to, like, quote unquote, find God. I went back to church because I was like, okay, this is a healthy activity.

I can be a part of. And of course, being around good people, listening to the messages, having some concrete thoughts and getting wiser as I got older, I landed back as a different version of. But guy who believes in Jesus. But I, that, that took me not throwing the baby out with the

“bathwater and me not going after people for trying to love me the best way they knew how,”

even if it was annoying or even if I didn't agree with the way they were trying to love me. And again, this is, this is, this is you just owning what you can control. But I'll tell you this. As a kid who grew up in a performing house, you're constantly gaging what could happen. What questions could be asked and how is the response to this question going to be taken? How is this outfit in this environment? How is you being seen at this movie? How's I going to impact this in

dad's job? And what you're doing is you're already future imagining conversations with your

And that's anchored in a guy that is unsafe inside his own skin.

And that is what I want you to begin focusing on. Not how you play whack them all with everybody else is everything else. But why do I feel so unworthy of just having thoughts inside my own body? Why do I feel so unworthy of? What do I have to feel like I'm deceiving everybody? I want you to work on that from the inside out. I'm going to send you a copy of building an unconscious life. I'll be my gift to you and hook you up. As you're heading into

your new marriage, I want you to sit down your wife and come up with a set of four or five or six values that you'll anchor into. Not beliefs, values, and expect your beliefs to change over time.

“That's why we listen to podcasts, why we read books, that's why we go to conferences, that's why”

we go to church, if you go to church. That's why I have a conversation so that we can get new perspectives and new ideas that might change our beliefs over time, but we're going to stay anchored into our values. I think you're actually in a good spot, brother, especially if you're being fully open and honest with your wife, you're not trying to pull the wool over her. And then you and you all two together can create a life where if I get these questions here,

I'm going to ask it. And if people don't like my answers, they get to choose what they do next. But I can be responsible for that. But I will be responsible for treating people with dignity and respecting kindness all the time. Thanks for calling my brother. Great, great, great, great question. We come back a man asks how he can overcome imposter syndrome after gaining success in his business. Hey, what's up? It's Deloni. So we're in the middle of Lent right now and

whether you grew up with that tradition or you're just trying to get your head and your heart back on straight this season, there's something I want you to check out. It's called Hallow. It's the

number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. And it's become one of my most important

things that I do to start my day. Anchoring my day and prayer helps me slow down and prioritize

“what matters most before the world's walls meet up. And right now we're in the middle of Hallow's”

Lent pray 40 challenge. And if you've given something up and you're barely hanging on or if you want to learn what this whole Lent thing is all about, this challenge is for you. Hallow is loaded with daily reflections, scripture, music, and more and more special series to help you anchor your faith practice. You can try Hallow for free for three months using my link. Go to halo.com/deloni and sign up for free today. That's halo, HALOW dot com slash deloni for three months for free.

All right, which at all canes is this go out talk to Ken, what's up Ken? Hey, Dr John, how are you today? I'm good. My brother, how are you? Well, and Dave's words are better than I deserve. I love it. What's going on, man? Hey, my here's my question for today. How do I get past the sometimes overwhelming feeling of

“imposter syndrome as my business has grown four to five times faster than my original projections?”

Okay, so hey, congratulations. What's your business? So, I may hoof tremor for cattle and wait specifically do I specifically work on smaller hobby farms

and homesteads and projects that other people don't want to do and I never dreamed I'd be as busy as I am.

Amazing. Hey, I don't spend a lot of time on Instagram, but one of or two of the accounts I follow are actually hoof repair guys. What what you guys do guys do is amazing to me. It's on the phone. I love it. I absolutely love it. Well, that do that's awesome. So, I have a couple of thoughts about imposter syndrome, but I don't want to put words into your mouth. So, when you say I feel imposter syndrome, like be pretty specific with me. What do you feel

and what are you experiencing? So, as I go to these places where I feel and especially on social media, I feel like I don't deserve all the recognition I'm getting. For instance, I can post something on social media and it will absolutely explode and then I'm getting overwhelmed with requests for service and stuff like that. I am being asked and invited to be on podcasts all over the country. I'm invited to a bunch of conferences all over the country to speak on

and educate people about what I'm doing and how it works and what to look for and all that stuff and they just get this feeling sometimes that I don't deserve it. In a lecture, I know where it

average, lovely, lovely guy. He's never told me, he's proud of me, he's one time in my life, he's told me,

he's loved me. Like, you know, actually, I know where it comes from. I just don't know how to get past it. Actually, I wonder if it's a step a layer deeper. Okay. Did you grow up in a house where

“those people were the ones that drove those cars living those houses and did those things?”

For sure. Okay. And so you have an identity shift that's happening. Right. It's hard to wrap your head around a psychology when those people and any time we say that we're today, I want everybody to be careful with that kind of language. But when you spend your whole life thinking they are filling the blank and you create stories about they and then suddenly you become a they, that's un, that's un, it'll unspool you pretty quick.

Right. It's very, it's, it's like walking on egg shells and not knowing what you're stepping on. I just, it's hard to wrap your head around it. Yeah.

Which, as you said, intellectually, you know that comes from a boy who's always wondering,

Daddy like me now, Daddy like me now. Right. Right. And when a whole bunch of eyeballs turn on

“you real fast, you suddenly, if you're not careful, you can feel like you have a whole bunch of”

dads that you're trying to keep, keep happy. Right. And you can't keep the internet tapy. Right. You can't, you can't keep the people at every conference happy. Right. And so I'll, I'll give you two pieces of, two pieces of just, here's my own experience with this because I had a very similar thing. I just took the thing I was doing behind closed doors and then they put it on the internet and my whole life changed. Right.

Thing number one is, imposter syndrome, I love it. It definition, it was somebody out of the UK that gave us definition. I forgot her name, but I love it. It was, imposter syndrome is the fear that other people are judging you as harshly as you judge yourself. Right. And if that's the case,

I want you to write yourself a long letter. Okay. And if you have never been told that you,

somebody's proud of you, I want you for the first time to tell yourself that I'm proud of you. And if you want to be a gangster about it, read this letter out loud to your wife. Okay. But I want you to call out in yourself the things that you are proud that you've overcome, that you're continuing to do the way you got into this job to help other people. You started a small business doing it. What I think every small business owner should start,

which is not what do you want to do, but what does the world need that nobody else is willing to do?

“And that's what you did. Right. And man. And you must be also doing it in an enjoyable”

entertaining like connected way because people want to connect with you, right? Not just over your trade. Yeah. It's, yeah. It's, it's an experience. It's only show up. We do consulting work. We do make a whole her consulting site stuff. Like when I show up at your place, I'm there for, even if we're only working on one or two cows, I'm there for half a day. It's great. It's great. All right. So here. And here's the other thing about imposter syndrome. Sometimes it's right.

And you have to have the humility that when everybody's telling you how great you are and every metric you have is saying it's up into the right. It's everything's growing growing growing growing. You have to have either a notice for yourself, which is very hard or have a couple of men and women in your life that you trust to say, okay. I'm really good at these things. I am not good at scaling a business. Right. I'm not, or maybe I'm not skilled at. I'm

really great at fixing hooves on cows. I'm really an expert in helping people with their herd management. I've never hired and fired people well in my life. Right. I'm not good with books. And so sometimes imposter syndrome is right. It's your body saying, hey, we are way over our skis on this deal. And it's why to this day, I still have experts in nutrition, mental health, trauma exercise that I reach out to because I early on. I just started answering questions and

I had some folks tell me, hey, you're wrong on this deal. And so I've had to settle in. I don't fully understand how the internet's work. And so I trust the experts here at the studios where I work to say, hey, this is the path we need to go on this one. Right. And it's also the overwhelming feeling of trying to get systems in place as you're growing this far. That's exactly right. You're trying to change the oil on the car while you're driving. If you don't take 72 hours

you're going to get a lot more car wrecks than you would otherwise. Right. Right.

And then here's the last piece of wisdom I'll give you. And this is for people in your space who just suddenly were doing a job. And now it's on the internet and now people are asking you to

“like, it works there. But I think I just was talking to somebody before the show”

on my way into work this morning who is not a what I would call a public facing persona. And this is advice my wife gave me. If you create any sort of false avatar, if you create any sort of Google to go, this is me, hey guys, whether you're meeting somebody for the first time you're dating or you are starting a business or you are suddenly a public figure. All of your energy will go towards propping up that avatar,

not to getting good at your craft and continuing to grow your business. Right. And eventually the

avatar fails. Right. I was told a long time ago, you never have to, if you never tell a lie,

you never have to remember the lie you told. So just expand that, too. If I am a person who doesn't doesn't, I don't believe in God, I'm not going to start going on Christian podcast and making up stories to try to be adjacent just so I can get clicks. Right. Right. If I am a person who believes

“in amp grazing, like the carbon cowboys, if I believe in regenerative regenerative, I say that wrong,”

cattle farming practices, I'm not going to go on on podcast talking about how we need to spray more. Right. Right. I'm just gonna be the best I can at being me. Right. And the chips are going to fall where they may on that one. Right. Right. But it's the way the elastic is exhausting. Right. And that means you're going to have to say crazy things like I don't know. Right. Or a close friend of

mine is an amazing, I think, I think she's a really gifted, amazing comedian. And

she has paralyzing stage fright so that when she gets an opportunity to go to a set somewhere, it cost her a week of her life. And so that's her body saying, hey, not for us. Right. And so you have to have the courage to say, I love this part. I love this part. I don't love the public speaking

“part. So I'm not going to do that. Right. Or I do love the public speaking part. You know, whatever.”

I don't, I don't mind it so much. It's just like I said, it's just getting over this. I don't belong here, mentality. None of us, too. None of us have a psychology for this world. Right. No human has the wiring inside their body to be viewed by millions of people. That's that is not that's abnormal for the bodies we have. Right. So right. Don't do it. If you're like, this is uncomfortable at some point. Yes. Well, we're doing this insane.

Right. Right. Right. You're crazy. And so then then if we're going to enter into this thing, I got to be responsible for how do I stay well when I'm doing this? Where do the systems I have in place to keep my relationships that I care about safe? And how do I take care of my physical body? How do I keep learning? How do I keep things with open hand? How do I deal when somebody says, hey, you're wrong on this in a loving way? And how do I deal when somebody just bombs you

with I hate you and you're an idiot in blah blah blah. Right. Right. But I would I'll tell you this. The discomfort you feel doesn't it means something's wrong with you. Right. Right. I get that. And like you would tell any cattle owner who's got a cow who's limping. Like, well, that's telling us where we need to press. Spin some time by yourself. Take a half day, dude. And write down on a piece of yellow on a yellow pad, piece of paper. Here are the things that

scare me about moving forward. Here are the things I'm really excited about. Here are the things I'm kind of blah about. And here's the things I need to get some more skills on. Right. Okay. And by the way, it can definitely do that. Well, it'll just free you give you a path forward. Right. It's kind of like when you're examining the foot of a cow. You squeeze here. You press here. You go up the leg here and then you go, okay. I know exactly where to go now. Right. Right.

And you might be good at something now. And as you're entering into a new space, you realize I need more skills. Right. There's a hilarious story that happened here. There was a small group of people that knew I was going to leave my job at the university to come over here. But they had me speak at one last event. And you've probably done enough public speaking now to know like,

ovation. A guy who's become a close friend of mine big Navy seal comes bombing out of the crowd,

picks me up, hugs me. It was a whole thing. It was amazing. Yeah. Backstage, my new boss, Dave Ramsey

says, man, you have some really great raw skills. We're going to turn you into a world class speaker. In the standing ovation was still going on. Right. And I looked at him and I laughed and I go, I think I'm pretty good. And he smiled and goes, we're going to get you there.

“Okay. And here's the thing. A year later, I was speaking to 2,500 or 3,000 business leaders”

at a big event. And about halfway through that talk, I was like, oh, this is a whole other level. But I had a year of speech coaching of training, of watching film for crying out loud. Right. Right. Right. So I was good at a thing. But I had to put in years and I've still do that's why I go to comedy clubs now. I'm still trying to get better at it. Like, I have to put in the work to not be good at this thing anymore. But to be great at this thing. If I'm going to ask somebody to pay money,

to listen to me, if I'm going to ask pay money to get a babysitter and to leave their home and to come out and see me live somewhere, dude, I better be a good steward of their time and their

money, I better be amazing. I don't ever want someone to leave an event going home and being like,

man, I probably should have stayed at home, watching Netflix. That means I got to put the work it, right. So you might find I got some good skills. I got to get really good at these skills. And as you're going to get tempted to get pulled into veterinarian medicine and like, you're like, nope, I'm going to stay doing this thing because this is what I'm really good at. And that's been hard for me. I've had to circle back. So all I have to say is I think in the right place, man,

let that feeling of imposter syndrome. Hey, if your judge and yourself stop, man, write yourself a letter, make peace with yourself. I'm proud of you. You tell yourself your proud of you. And if then imposter syndrome is saying like, hey, we got some things we need to learn sweet. Now we have a roadmap. And that's where we're going to head directly into. Thanks for call, brother. Last night, I took beams, dream powder before I went to bed and I got a hundred

“on my sleep score. And that's why I trust beam. It's why I use their products in my home.”

That's why I take them because they're amazing. When I need a great night's sleep, I drink beams, dream powder. It takes like 30 seconds to mix and it helps me fall asleep faster. Sleep deeper and wake up clear. Last night was incredible. And I woke up this morning with no groginess because there's no weird chemicals. There's just science, back to ingredients that will work with your body, not against it. Like magnesium, elthinine, melatonin, and rishi, and more.

Comes in great flavors like sea salt, caramel, and cinnamon cocoa. So good. And with my kids, we use beams, kids, super powder. It's packed with vitamins and here's the important thing. My kids actually like it. If you're a parent, you know this matters. A great day starts the night before. And beams dream powder helps me rest and show well for the people that I love. Right now,

“beam is giving my listeners a great deal. Go to shopbeam.com/deloney and use code deloney to get $20 off”

all beam products that shop SHOP shopbeam.com/deloney and use code deloney to get $20 off all beams products.

All right, Kelly, you said you want to talk about men. As always. Yes. But, however.

Two teeth. Yes, you are. Correct. So I saw two things recently on social media that I thought were just super cool because you often talk about how hard it is to say friends as adults, especially from men. Because they're the worst. Yeah, they don't get out. And like, they're not as social as we. Ladies are. So two things that I thought were super cool that maybe I'll spark some ideas. So one of them was a guy that moved into a new apartment. And it's like one of the

internal apartments, not, you know, external. And the video that it shows is from his ring camera. And his neighbor came over and he's like, hey, you don't know me. We've never met, but the guy that lived before, lived here before you. We would often have nerf wars. So I'm just going to put this on your front mat. And then it was just this compilation of all of these grown men that lived in this apartment building, having nerf wars. And this is how they met. It was, I, you sent that to me.

And I smiled the whole way through it. It was incredible. Yeah, it was like these, they just shoot each other and like add it like what I'm going to be bringing their groceries in. And he pulled the gun, it was like Godfather, you know, pulled the gun out of the bag. But my favorite part of the whole video, the whole, I mean, there's some hilarious things that they do to each other over time. And they're all, it's all a ring camera footage. But my favorite part was seeing how uncomfortable the first conversation

this nerf gun and trying to be like, I, it's like, I know what I'm saying is crazy, but also it was

“kind of awesome. And so I used to have this nerf gun war with my neighbor. And so I'm putting this”

gun on your desk. You can get rid of it. You thought away whatever, but it's kind of awesome. And it's like a perfect visualization of go first and be weird. Just go first and be weird.

And what's not on the ring camera is he may have tried that with somebody else. And it never went

anywhere, right? The person like through the gun away, whatever. But that him having the courage to wait through that was so awesome. Yeah, I love it. And so the second one is apparently there's a Facebook group out there called, I don't know, it's like a dad's life or something like that. And they did their first in person event. I don't know what city this was in, but it was for dads with little

“girls. And it was called Pigtails and pints. Oh, nice. And they set around this huge table and they”

had these ladies came in and they brought in like mannequin heads with, you know, wigs on and they

learned how to do hair. Oh, that's so cool. And it showed them in like shaking hands and meeting each other and learning how to French braid and show off what they did. And it was just so cool because it was meeting each other and getting out there and doing something to, you know, they can do with their daughters then. And you know, so they can buy with their daughters. But what a cool idea. So just the whole idea of there's something out there. I love it. If it doesn't exist,

create it. So I was talking to Sheila yesterday. My wife about the call we had on a previous

show a few days ago where a woman was struggling PTSD and her husband wasn't helpful at all. And it was just a lot of tension. And I was telling my wife, I was like the only path I could think of is here's how you can love me. And her immediate response is that gives her yet another thing to do. And I was like, I know. And I don't know what else. And she said in a perfect world, that guy has a couple of friends who already have kids. And he can invite them over and say, all right, when the

kid screaming, what do I do? And how do I change this diaper? And if dads would show up and help new dads, it would alleviate a ton of this stuff, right? Because I think there is merit. There's a lot of merit in a new mom feeling like, oh, I have to take care of you. And I need to come with a curriculum for you on top of everything. I get that. And I also get the paralyzed feeling of the dad being like, I was telling my wife, I remember doing all the laundry. I went all laundry. And I used the wrong

detergent because there was a special kid. And it was like, oh my gosh, you did it wrong. And I was like, I'm trying so hard. I don't even know what I don't know. But all of that can be alleviated. If a group of dads would be like, oh, one of our new buddies is having a dad. We're coming over for

“dad boot camp. You buy the beer in the pizza. And we're going to teach you everything you need to know.”

Yeah, because we know what a woman has a baby, women rally around her mother, her sister, whoever comes to help. And dad is supposed to just figure it out. Well, and I didn't know my wife had a community. I didn't know she was texting these people in the middle of the night about a rash or a thing. I just thought she knew all this stuff. And I'm sitting there going like, I'm such a loser, right? And but anyway, I'm going to make it a point

that when I've got people in my world that have a new kid, like be like boot camp dude, dad, dad camp, and we're going to teach you some of these small things. I think that's awesome. So good on those dudes. I love that you have some dudes just getting some beers and learn it had a braid. That's awesome.