[MUSIC]
Eight months ago, he shared that he wanted to separate.
So we have two young kids, and I don't want to instill this wishy-washy value into them. >> If we were having a longer conversation and we were sitting down like having nachos or something, I would take a lot longer to get to where I'm about to go, okay? [MUSIC] >> Hey, what's going on, this is John with the Dr. John DeLoni show,
coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking real calls from people all over the planet. >> About their mental and emotional health, their relationships, their marriages, their kids, whatever they got going on in their life. I got two PhDs I've been sitting with hurting people for more than two decades, and that's what we do on the show.
Let's try to figure out what's the next right move.
“If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you go to John DeLoni.com/ask,”
ASK, fill out the form.
I don't take a question and answer on social media,
but I would love for you to write in with what's going on in your life, and if we pick you for the show, we'll haul it back girl at you, Kelly ain't no haul it back girl allegedly. But she produces the show, she's awesome, and she'll call you and get you on, and I would love to sit and talk with you.
It's got to Baltimore, Maryland, and talk to Lisa, what's up, Lisa? >> Hi, Dr. John, how are you? >> I'm doing all right, how about you? >> I'm great. >> No, you're not.
You can call me if you're great, what's going on? >> So, my husband has been sharing some like second mixed signals, I guess. After about eight months ago, he shared that he wanted to separate,
which kind of blindsided me, we had always said that if we weren't interested,
and we didn't necessarily believe in separating and divorce and all that. So, after he said that, like I said, it's been eight months, and nothing really has happened. The only time I noticed that things are happening is kind of in response to something that I've said, something that a therapist has said,
and nothing like, it's just like him making it move. So, really my question is, we have two young kids, and I don't want to instill this wishy-washy value into them. So, I'm just really not sure what the next move is. >> Yeah, hey, that breaks my heart for you.
“Like being relationally blindsided, I think it's one of the most off-kiltering things”
a person can experience when it's a true blindsided, right? Like didn't see this come. If we were having a longer conversation and we were sitting down like having nachos or something, I would take a lot longer to get to where I'm about to go, okay? So, can I just go direct and tell you to buckle up?
Is that cool? >> Yeah. >> Okay, he's not on the phone, so I just want to talk directly with you, okay? If your main concern for your kids is that sense, and I totally get what you're talking about, that wishy-washy nobody firmly has either of their feet on the ground.
My question for you is, why have you allowed this to go on for eight months? Without turning all the lights on in the house, turning off all the dancing, all the music, all the drama, and sitting down at the table and saying, "You told me you were going to leave." I need clarity on this.
“Well, tell me about the gap between what you're feeling and that stuff,”
that like that clarity action step. >> Yeah, so I mean there's a couple of pieces, I mean for starters, I don't want him to, so I don't necessarily want to spear him in that direction. And then also on top of this, we've had some like family health issues arise, that have taken my attention away from the home and trying to be a part-time caretaker.
So it's like one of those things where I'm just kind of like at my breaking point of not being able to just manage everybody's emotions. >> Yes, okay, so your fear that putting this on the table and bringing it up, we'll bring it to reality, it's a false fear. >> Okay, um, he made a threat.
All right, maybe as a threat, maybe as an attention, I don't, he's not on the phone, so I don't know why he would have said that and then just kept going on like everything was the same. He might have been testing the waters with you. He might have just been having a really bad day. He may have been having an emotional affair with somebody and he was about to cross a line.
So he put that on the table real fast, like who knows why he did what he did.
But if somebody throws something into a pool, let's say they throw like a brick into a pool,
“not talking about that brick, does it make it any less real?”
>> Right. >> So your husband fractured the stability of your marriage by saying what he said. And evidently, he did it in a way that caught you so off guard, too. Not addressing it doesn't make that crack any bigger. It just drains all the water out of the pool so we can actually deal with that brick that's sitting at the bottom.
>> That's fair. >> And so I, I don't know another way through this than right through it. >> Okay. >> Well, why did he say he wants to separate? >> Well, we had been having kind of a rough couple of months, year-ish period.
He wasn't, I don't think he was feeling valued.
>> What was rough about? >> Yeah. Just, um, let's, the biggest piece, well, on both sides, one side was leading up to this. He was having, he had voiced his opinion about, like, that are better intimacy and how he felt like his needs weren't being met, um, and this is, like, simultaneously when I'm pregnant and having,
um, immediate, in that postpartum period. >> God. >> Yeah. >> [LAUGH] >> That's what other call.
[LAUGH]
>> The half of good husband's everywhere, I apologize.
>> [LAUGH] >> It's, it's so stupid and wrong and bullheaded and insensitive and just stupid. But, it is what it is. >> Right. >> So you were pregnant, you had a child, you were going through, and how old you're,
other, you're oldest. >> Uh, three. >> Okay, so you have two kids, two and under at the time. And he starts pouting that he's not getting as much sex as he wants. And then he blindsides you with, you know what, I just, let's just call it.
>> Yeah, yeah, that's, that's, man. >> Yeah, and it's like, I mean, I mean, on tape, or it's so clear to me.
“But I think the hard part that I'm trying to figure out too is that, like,”
I'm watching other areas of his life, um, kind of blow up. He's cutting off relationships with other people, um, that had meant something to him, he's been having issues at work. So it's like, I've, and knowing him for as long as I have, it almost feels like he's having some sort of crisis that's being taken out on me.
>> But at the same time, it's probably very fine somewhere. >> Yeah, it's a context, not an excuse. >> Right. >> And I'll also, again, I'll put this back in the ball back in your court. If you're watching somebody, you love self-destructing.
I've, I've had men show up at my house that my wife called. Who are close personal friends of mine that said, hey, you are not okay. Right, because they love me and cared about me. And my wife had tried, and I couldn't hear it. I wouldn't hear it, one or the two.
And so I would tell you, like, if you're watching somebody, you've known forever, that you love as the father of your children, and they're imploding. At least saying, hey, I see this, how can I love you right now? What's happening here? You said you want to leave.
Again, it feels like you don't want to add another thing on his plate.
“But I think what's more important is the table that that plate is sitting on his crumbling.”
>> Yeah. >> Right. And so sometimes you, turning all the lights on, and moment of accountability, a moment of ICU, and I know you, is actually a lifeline. And I guess what, this may sound harsh.
But if you bringing this up, accelerates him leaving you, and abandoning your kids and all that, quite honestly, I'd rather that happen now than two or three years more of you burning yourself into ash, trying to keep this thing together with someone who's trying to leave. >> Yeah, that's so true. >> And that sounds awful to say, because I hope that's not the ending here.
I hope what's happening is what you're saying is, for whatever reason, he's unwinding. And you're just the closest person there. I hate this for you and hate this for your kids, obviously. But I hope that you're able to reach across the reach through that electric fence.
It's a hiss, he and I love you.
But he, I mean, he burned what y'all had to the ground. Is there any chance he is,
“whenever somebody tells me, this is happening.”
It's not always, but often it's tied to their caught up in something
that has taken a hold of them. >> Oh yeah, that would not surprise me. >> Alcohol sports betting, a flirty friend that turned into a one night stand that turned into own note and what to do. Took out a big business loan and I used some of it for this.
This is meant for that, now I'm going to pay it back. Like usually our work is slowly dissolving, he didn't want to tell how bad it really is. Usually there's something big looming that a person feels like I've lost control of this and it just starts coming out all over the place. >> Absolutely.
>> What is it?
“When I said that, you meet, they went, oh yeah, what is it?”
>> Yeah, I would probably say alcohol. >> Okay. >> We've been having, we've had issues with that over the past. >> I don't know, five, six years of, you know, just finding a boundary with it. So. >> Okay. >> And maybe that's part of the call out.
>> Yeah. >> So, I give you a framework for how to have this conversation. The problem with the framework is it doesn't mean it's going to go well. It just simply gives you structure for how to do this and makes it the most inviting for somebody to hear it, but it cannot guarantee that they're going to hear it.
>> Right. >> Okay, here's the path. And I'll say it real fast, it's too quick to write down, but this will be the guiding path for any conflict, anybody has an any marriage, but especially in this kind of situation. Let him know, I want to have a focused, direct, hard conversation with you.
Can we do that?
“And whatever boundaries you need to set for that conversation set him.”
No screens, no phones, I need you not to drink tonight. Whatever you can say safely.
The second one is, here's what I'm seeing.
Number three, here's the story I'm making up about what I'm seeing. Number four, here's how I feel about that. And number five, and this is the kicker, here's what I'm going to do next. And what that does for you is it re-ganger autonomy in a situation where you feel completely powerless. And it owns the fact that you're saying things like I'm choosing to make up the story that
when you told me you wanted to be separated, you don't love me anymore, and you're going to leave our family. I'm making up the story that your alcohol is costing you friends. It's going to cost you your job, it's costing you your marriage that you're really struggling. And that way, when you phrase it as, "Here's the story I'm making up here." It's less about an accusation, but it invites the other person to say, "Well, that story you're
making up actually isn't true. Here's the reality." But they don't always take it.
Part of me, tell me if I'm crazy. Part of me thinks you're kind of softballing this with me. And what I mean by that is, part of me gets the sense and you tell me if I'm wrong, please, please, please, things are actually pretty not good, pretty bad. And you don't want them to be as bad as they actually are. Because that's going to mean you've got to do some stuff. That's going to be real hard.
I mean, yeah, you're not totally wrong. I mean, it's, I don't, they're, they aren't fantastic. It's not something I really want to deal with. I do not paint this picture for myself. But I also know that if this is to work, like it's going to be a total bulldoze rebuilding kind of situation. That's right. And you can't do that if he's struggling with alcohol. Right. And you can't do that if he's going to threaten. I'm going to leave every time things get
hard. And he can't do that. You all can't do that. If for God's sake, if he doesn't see his wife growing a human and giving birth to that human and then struggling to parent two little ones, plus deal with postpartum, plus deal with just the like the normal takes time for your body to heal and hormones to regulate. If he can't look at that situation and say, this is a time for me to double and triple down on how well I can love her instead of, oh, I'm not getting off enough.
I mean, you're, you're talking, yeah, you're talking a total tear down and rebuild from the floor up.
Clarity is kindness to you.
Yeah. Have you sat down and told anybody all of the stuff?
“Yeah. Um, I have like one or two people that know all of the details.”
What do they tell you? They, they, I mean, they don't know what to say. It's such a crazy situation that, uh, and they, they know him and they're just, you know, they're shocked and don't really, like almost blindsided as well when I've told them what's happened. Would he call and talk to me? Maybe. Okay. I'd love to talk to him. Not in accusatory way. I just want to know what's going on in the
side of the heart and mind of that dude. I told him to listen to your show. I'm hearing across the country, wives are constantly being like, you know what John said, you
“need to. I'm like, no, don't do that. Please don't do that. Um, yeah, he's got to get some,”
at least one. He's got to get some men in his life that we'll look at in the eye and say, I'll weather the storm, but you're not okay. And this isn't okay. Yeah. Yeah, and that he definitely is lacking in that, that he, a lot of his friends are female just because this is line of work. That's the people he's around all day, but yeah, I agree. Okay. I recommend spending some time
writing out what you're going to say. And that will force you to write down here's what must
be true for us to move forward. And here's the other thing. You're a grown adult. You can stay and just keep putting up with this for as long as you want. I just need you to hear me say,
“you're worth more than that. Yeah. And so your kids and so is he and so is your marriage.”
Absolutely. Thanks for being courageous and calling. Thank you. I hate what comes next for you, but I'm don't hate what could happen on the other end of some hard direct loving, connected focus, conversations. But I'm taking it from your long silence that you know how these are going to go. Yeah. Yeah. I hate that for you. Call back anytime. I mean that's to be
better. Well, I mean, yeah, but people are always like, "You can't get any worse." And by the
nature of my job, I'm like, "Yeah, it could." And so, again, I noticed this complex, there's economic considerations there. So, I mean, there's so much wrapped up in this. And he's made it really, really difficult. But the old trope is true. You can only control you. And so the question I have for you is, "What are you going to do next?" And choosing to, again, assuming your relationship is not abusive, that you're safe, choosing to stand in the gap. It's okay. You put this on the table,
you said you're going to, you want us to separate. You're losing your friends over here, you're drinking a lot more over here, you're pulling away, I've been dealing with health issues, and you're helping with that. I'm just going to turn the lights on, turn the music off, and we got to have a hard conversation about what happens next. And here's some of the things I've made
up, and here's what I'm going to do next. I love you too much to let this continue.
Whew. I feel calm. I love to talk to him. And you feel free to call me back anytime. I'll walk with you. This is a mess. Thanks for the call. We come back. A woman asks how to teach her daughters forgiveness after they witness their fathers of fair. This show is sponsored by better help. Some of my most amazing mentors and some of my closest friends and my wife, they're all amazing women. And one of the common themes I've heard from all of them is that between
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“your neighbors. All right, it's got to Toronto, Ontario, and talk to Kim. What's up, Kim?”
Hi, hi, John. How are you? Thanks for taking my call. Of course. I'm good. How are you? I'm worried we're doing all right. Let's go on. So my question is, my husband and I are trying to repair our marriage after he had an affair, which my older daughter was unfortunately at witness to. So what I'm wondering is with everything we've been through, how do I make sure that my girls understand that repair and forgiveness are not owed to anyone and to make sure that they're on the
right track. Sorry. No, you're okay. Take a breath. You're good. For making decisions in their own relationships. Oh, man. So what happened with your husband and what did your daughter see? So was she? How old was she? Broker phone. She was 11. Her phone broke. She was going out with the friend. And she needs a means of communication. So she took my husband's phone and tried to log into her snapchat and saw that there was a big streak with him and somebody that he works with. Who's
“a female. So she was curious and she went in and read all the messages. What's your read?”
Lots of I love yous and I miss yous. I didn't really dig too deep because I didn't know if I should. So I don't really know. Probably pictures. Yeah. Just inappropriate and confusing. Yeah. So I'll say this broadly and then we'll dig into it a little bit more. But a lot of a child reaction, especially a child in a safe
Yada.
internal reactions or responses to the reactions of the adults in the room.
Okay. And the fact that I can the reason I asked you with those text messages said I was
“fishing for something and I think I got it. You still don't feel confident in what actually happened.”
Correct. And you don't feel confident that your husband is telling you the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Correct. And so that means you can't fully repair or quote unquote work on your marriage. That's correct. You can't rebuild a building on top of a top of a of an old building site until that building has completely been removed. Well, I thought we were getting to a point where I felt confident that he had told me everything and that we were working together and trying to
make things better. And I we felt we both kind of felt like things were good. And then I caught him messaging the fair partner at last week. Okay. So what is your boundary that you had set up previously to finding that out? No contact. Okay. Or what? No contact or I don't know. I guess I didn't. I guess there was no or. Okay. And that's the hardest, most terrifying responsibility you own right now is what am I going to do next? Yeah. Because he spit in your face.
Yeah. And so what I don't want you to do and it's going to sound like I'm making an accusation against you in a kind of am, but I'm trying to do it gently. Okay. I don't want you to hold. I don't want you to outsource the confusion, the heartbreak, the oh my gosh. Now I've been forced to make a call on what I'm going to do next. And then I'm going to be the bad guy that blew up my marriage even though like I don't want you to outsource that to your daughters. Okay.
And worrying about how they're going to grow up and have functioning healthier relationships in the future right now is like worrying about where you're going to put the bathroom in your new beach house, but you're in the middle of the ocean because the boat you were in just sank. Like this isn't the moment for that. I guess so I just see them making poor decisions when it comes to friendships and stuff. And it concerns me because I wonder are they looking
at what I'm doing and thinking that I'm foolish like are they making those? No, I don't call
“all the boat. Well, all I mean is your daughter's 12 and 13 or something like that now?”
Just turning 13. Okay. One thing that is true about all 13 year olds is they judge their parents. That's just part of being 13. So that I don't care about. Okay. I have a 15 year old that judges me all the time. Yeah. I have a 10 year old and she judges every the right. That's like yeah. I have to sift through their judgments and say, okay, this one's actually true. This is actually a real thing. Okay. The other day when my daughter said, hey, let's go play basketball and I said,
all right, I'll be right there. She got the ball and she got two centimeters from me and I said,
please back up. I'm coming and she said this and it broke my heart. Dad, you always say that
and then you never come. Right. And I put a close my laptop and I said, you're exactly right. Okay. So that judgment was real. Well, my 10 year old says something like, you'll never. Okay. That's just dumb. She's 20 10, right? Yeah. And so I'm not going to outsource what my next right move is based on what my, whether my teenagers judging me. Of course they're judging
“you. They're trying to make sense of the world. I'm way more concerned with if you want to”
teach them what forgiveness and reconciliation looks like that they can feel a united front and they can't because their dad is a liar and their mom is unregulated. Yes. And so I'm way more concerned about teaching them stardiness and stability, especially in moments of chaos. So like we were just in Nashville, the power was up for a week. That is not nearly the importance. My kids are experienced that, right? I have very firm
memories of when a hurricane hit my family home in Houston when I was a kid and we didn't have power for like 10 days or something. I wrote, that's in me. I remember it. But I also,
I never got a sense from my parents that we were in any sort of danger because they always
seemed like they had a plan. Right. And so there was stardiness and stability inside of chaos, right? Same with this past weekend. Like man, the power is out. It's 30 degrees inside the house. And here's what we're going to do next. And my kids are like, this stinks, but awesome.
Somebody's in charge.
nobody's in charge in this house right now. Right. Like the house is falling over and we don't know who to follow. Yeah. And so for you, the homework, the hard work is what am I going to do now that I've got that my husband's spit in my face. Yeah. During a rebuild. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like a reset. It's not a reset. It's a, it's, he demoed. He re-blue up. Like. Right. It's like, I mean, was it Star Wars 2 or 3? I don't know. Ben would know when they're rebuilding the
“Death Star and they blow it up again. That's what just happened. Yeah.”
Yeah. And so let me ask you as a hard question. What are you going to do next? I, we, well, we've already, we've already had some conversations about what's going to happen next. But I've said, I want him to, I want some external accountability. So this person that he had the affair rates they worked together. So they see each other every day. So that's, I think, part of the problem. And he doesn't want to quit his job. So I, I want some external accountability.
I want him to tell somebody at work. Hold on. That's not, that's not going to cut it for you. I can tell you right now. It's not going to cut it for you. No.
“He either gets to choose his job, or it gets to choose you.”
Yeah. Yeah. Because you're never going to be able to sleep at night knowing he's going
right back at that same place with that woman. He spends more time with her than with you. Three works. Yeah. And he's proven time again. He's not trustworthy. Yeah. And you don't know. You still haven't dug in and asked. You still don't know what actually happened between them. Right. Well, I've asked. I mean, I just don't know if I've gotten the truth. I guess I should say I know I haven't gotten the truth. There you go.
And I'm not a firm. I'm not a believer in. I need to see everything with my own eyes. But in my mind, there's an escalation. There's a difference between, hey, we're super close, best friends. And we're getting kind of flirty. There's another line that is a love you and a miss you. There's a whole other line of we're sexting each other now. Send me a topple's for you. There's a whole other line that, hey, let's go meet over at the hotel
in my wife's out of town when she come over. Right. Right. Yep. And then there's a whole other line that is
I'll burn everything to the ground for you. I hurt our marriage. I hurt you. This will never happen again.
Yeah. But how do I know it won't ever happen again? You won't. That's the hard part about forgiveness and repair, especially after an affair is at some point you give him a path. Here's what trust rebuilding trust must include. And he gets to be a grown man and decide if he's
“going to walk that path or not. And then you have to be a grown up and say, if you're walking”
that path, I'm not going to throw this back on you. I'm going to work to heal. And that's going to be you risking getting hurt again and putting both feet back in the boat at some point. But not today. Yeah. But again, after finding out he was texting her again secretly and lying to you about that and whatever you said, all right, now here's a whole bunch of other stuff you have to do. Yeah. Here me say this and this is so hard to hear. You can't make him do anything.
The only person you can control is you. Yeah. And so what you put forth is here's the path I want
you to walk. Yeah. And here's what I'm going to do next. Yeah. And I've met with couples who look at
each other and one of them says, I'm never going to leave you. I'm asking you to not hurt me again. And I've heard couples say, if you text that person again, you are telling me through your actions. You don't want to be married to me anymore. And you're going to move out. Or I'm going to move out. Yeah. Yeah. Starting is in the store.
Yeah.
How's that hitting you? Um, like something I already knew. I knew. I know that.
“I told so many of the other day. I think like 95% of people call my show. They already know.”
They just need to hear. They just want your you to confirm. Yeah. You're not crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I just want my family. I just want what I had. Yeah. And there's something so heartbreaking about me telling you. Not something. Everything. It's so heartbreaking to tell you what you had is over. Yeah.
You can build rebuild something amazing and new and powerful. And even stronger than what was.
But what you had doesn't exist anymore because your husband blew it up. Yeah. I hate this for you. Call me back at any time. Okay. Oh, man. Kelly.
Yes. You put together a doozy today. Do it. We can make you work for it sometimes. We come back. A woman asks if her husband's behavior is emotional abuse. Wow. Hey, I want to talk with you for a second about love and not the Titanic.
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“Stephanie, what's up? Hi. How are you? Doing all right. How about you?”
Doing okay. Very cool. Thanks for calling. What's going on? Yeah. So, I've been wondering, so my husband has some anger issues. And sometimes during those anger moments, he can yell so much that the kids start crying. And that's not an anger issue. That's emotional abuse. And then sometimes he throws things and those things break. Yeah, that is a completely disarrayulated
adult male. The dangerous person to be around. Are you safe? Yes. Are you confident? Yes.
90 percent. That's not good enough for me.
Do you walk on eggshells inside your own home? Some days. Do you shut your silence or kids to keep them safe? Oh, yeah. That's a dangerous scary home. Yeah. We've, I've had conversations with my husband. He's not very receptive to the idea that that there's any kind of issue. He tells me that I am protecting my feelings
Onto the kids of when I feel unsafe.
But since the kids haven't actually verbalized that he doesn't believe that they feel unsafe.
“Yeah, that's, I'm trying to stay cool right now. Right. That is gaslighting 101.”
How old are your kids? My oldest is seven. My middle is five and our youngest is a year now. So do you really, I know you don't? Does any functioning adult really believe that a seven-year-old can verbalize to an out-of-control screaming so loud? Children's emotional capacity explode, smashing objects, breaking things that a seven-year-old can wait into that
and verbalize, hey, out-of-control while giant adult, you're scared. That's madness. That's insanity.
It's madness. Yeah.
“Abuse is pervasive. Abuse does not require intent. You can be abusive in quote unquote,”
not mean to. Abuse is about control. It's about using fear and harm as a way to get whatever you want, even at the expense of those you care the most about. And there's a difference between being abusive and just being mean or being abusive and being dumb. It's the pervasiveness and it's the remorse. It's not screaming until my children are crying and smashing plates through the sheet rock and then looking at you saying, look what you did to
the kids. You passed along your emotional reactions. How unfair. Yeah. Can I just tell you this directly here? If you hear nothing else here, you say this, "Stephanie, you're not crazy." Okay. No man. Scream so loud that he makes children cry, whether they're his children or anybody else's children. No man is so out of control physically that he has to smash things.
Yep. Much less a husband and a father. Has he put his hands on you before? No. No, not near the kids. Has he sent signals to you that this is what could happen if you don't fill in the blank? No, I just think of continuing to escalate and I feel like it's just a matter of time. It is. Before you something,
I could suddenly happen. It is. I always look at trend lines on these things and this is
trending in a really bad direction and you know that. So here's the scary reality that you live in. You have three young kids. My guess is your economically pretty fragile. Yep. And you can't make him do anything. You can only control what you do next. And that's a horrifyingly vulnerable place to be. Do you have friends or family you can stay with? No. I moved two and a half hours to live up here
with them to money. I married. That wasn't my question though. Not that it won't be inconvenient. Not that it will completely change every bit of your life.
“But do you have somebody in your life that would take in a mom and three young kids for a minute?”
Yep. Okay. Do you have anybody on the ground there with you and your new community that you can be
Open and honest with about what's happening?
And what is her wisdom to you? She's not really giving me this much advice. Okay.
“I need you to find somebody that's not related to him. Okay.”
I'm going to hook you up with three months of better help for free. So you can talk to a licensed counselor within the next 24 or 48 hours. Okay. You can do that via Zoom or you can do that on your cell phone. Okay. And they can point you to some resources in your local community. Okay. But if you have somebody you work with, if you have a friend, if you've got a minister
that you trust somebody that you can exhale and say, "Here's what's happening in my home right now,
and I've got nowhere to turn." Just just for clarity for everybody listening, since he's not hurt you, since he's not threatened
“you in a direct way. I think he's very indirectly threatening, but he hasn't threatened you directly.”
A direct conversation would be important. But you've said he's not even receptive to that. He can't hear it. It's like you've tried to talk to him about his anger and his rage and his childish outbursts and all that, and he can't hear it. Yes. Okay. That's correct. Okay. If that blames you for his outbursts. Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. I'm so, so sorry. Thank you.
No wife, no child should be terrified of their father, of their husband, and your worth more. Yeah. And nothing I'm telling you is a surprise. Is it? No, not at all. Okay.
“Well, I'll walk with you best I can. Call back anytime, okay?”
Oh, thank you. All right, hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up with some direct resources right away. Okay. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. I'm excited to tell you about a brand new sponsor for the show, Shady Raise. We've all had that moment when you realize you left your favorite sunglasses on the roof of your car or in the deer stand in the mountains and a gas station 700 miles back. Listen, I lose sunglasses all the time.
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Yeah, it was kind of bashing on husband day. I know you hate men, but that was this was a lot. Actually, I picked the calls, but I'm not the one that schedules them in like what order they're going to go what show they're going to go on. That would be Alex. So we'll play to Alex. Tell them saying well, speaking of bad husbands, you want to ask me to be a better husband, not you personally. I do actually. Yeah. So I wanted to ask you a little bit more about the
Together app.
we talked about last week like these micro habits. Yeah. So you get these little habits like bring your spouse, their favorite cup of coffee or Ginger Spouse Afflority Texturing the day. These little things that seem really simple and pardon me, but maybe even a bit cheesy when you take them like on the surface of what they are, you're like, what in the world does this have to do with the fact that I said my text, my husband attacks it's like, I love you, and he's like, yes. Yeah,
I love you too. Hey, great. You know, my husband would be like, what'd you do? Right. You know,
“or do much to the cost or whatever. But so what is it about these seemingly simple little habits?”
How in the world do they do anything to make your marriage better? All right. So it's a great question. And in fact, I'll even call this out. I had a couple of folks who were executive type folks who got early versions of the app and we were just working it out. And when they saw a list
of some of the things, especially in the first week or two that I asked you to do with this
app. And this, what this app does is it sends you a message every day based on your profile, what you're asking for, areas you want to work on in your own marriage, and in in in yourself, it gives you a daily challenge to go do this. And they rolled their eyes. They're like, this is dumb. This isn't, this is cheesy. And every one of them came back after using this app for two weeks. And they were like, dang. That actually made a huge difference. And I could even believe it.
Some of these things are neuroscience. Some of these things are relational science. Some of these things are common sense. But if I ask you to walk in the front door of your house and I have put your phone away before you walk in and walk directly to your spouse and drop your bag and just give them a hug for 30 seconds. Time it. Who cares? Time the hug for 30 seconds.
Or like Kelly said, wake up three minutes earlier and just pour a second cup of coffee and put
just the right amount of creamer and sweetener in it. By the way, if you don't know how your spouse takes their coffee, then that's about seeing and knowing them. It's about getting to know them a little bit better. And bring in it to them. It literally takes you 30 seconds to do that. Our next or three minutes. Let me say three minutes to do that. It's kind of that old saying, if you turn the wheel of your car, one degree, eventually you make an entire turn. It's just that. It is
slowly practicing these habits. I like the way James Clear says it. Every micro habit is a vote towards the identity of the person you want to become. So if you're saying, I want to be a good husband. I am a good husband. It's an identity you want to wear. I am a connected wife. Then
“every little thing I do in that direction is a vote for that identity. And I think the problem”
is most of us try to solve our marriages. They try to change our marriages in big, massive strokes. Firework shows, Super Bowl parties, big weekends away. And those are cool and great and wonderful. But the real like wheels on the pavement change happens minute by minute day by day with a bunch of tiny changes in a bunch of small actions that lead to huge changes over time. And so yeah, if you get this app, by the way, it's six bucks for you. If you're just using it one player
mode, you can add your spouse. No extra charge. It's just six bucks for both of you. It's a cup of coffee. I just went to Starbucks this morning. It's about six, 50 is what I paid. It's a less than a cup of coffee for the whole month for you and your spouse to plug in and get a daily challenge that you're going to do for each other. And you're going to change yourself in the process
“and you're transformed your marriage. So that's what that's the point of them, Kelly, the, and again,”
they're, they're, they're very thought through. They can look haphazard. They can look silly. They can like, this is so small and so dumb. These things add up over time and they're done in a right order, right? And by the way, you keep working the app. It unlocks new things. And so you want to get to the, like the crazy sex challenges, you want to get like, those are all there, but yeah,
got to cover the basics first and not just try to go to the fireworks show first. Let's learn
how to block and tackle before we start worrying about the halftime show at the Super Bowl, right? So, go get the together app. It's in the app store and droid folks. We're coming for you. Relax, and she's, but go down low to today's six bucks a month for you and your spouse change everything from the floor up. Love you guys. Bye.
