How to Eliminate Self-Doubt, Overcome Failure, & Reset Your Mind for Success

You press play on this episode for a reason. It's because you're tired. You're tired of doubting yourself,

“talking yourself out of the things that you want,”

tired of letting fear make your decisions for you. Well, have you picked the right episode to listen to,

because our incredible guest today is going to look you in the eye

and tell you, if you want your life to look and feel different a year from now, you want the dream job, true love, unshakable confidence, better friendships, more happiness, there's one rule. Keep showing up.

Benny Blanco is a 12-time Grammy-nominated songwriter and producer with 29 number-one hits and 19 of those songs have over a billion streams each unspotify. Now, you might not know his name, but I guarantee you, you know his music,

songs like Love Yourself by Justin Bieber, teenage dream by Katy Perry, moves like Jagger by Maroon 5, hit after hit after hit. But Benny didn't start his impressive career with everything

figured out. He didn't grow up with famous parents or money.

“He doesn't really have any special talents”

and he'll admit he's not the hottest guy you're ever going to see. But that makes him the perfect person to teach you how to erase self-doubt, overcome failure, and start believing in yourself and acting like it. Benny has come all the way to our Boston studios

with the real stories behind his success and the hard lessons he's learned along the way. He's going to share the life-changing tools and strategies that have helped him push through nonstop rejection and setbacks and they will help you do the same.

Benny wants you to know, every single failure is leading you somewhere great, even if you can't see it right now. And if he can turn his failures into hits, you can turn yours into the life you've been wanting to live.

[MUSIC] Hey, it's your friend, Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am fired up for the conversation today. I'm so excited.

You're going to experience this. It's such an honor to be together to spend this time with you. And if you're a new listener, Holy cow. Are you in for a doozy?

If you're here because somebody shared this with you, you better thank them. But first, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family. Today, we're talking about how to erase self-doubt

overcome failure and reset your mind for success with the one and only Benny Bonko. Benny is one of the most successful and sought-after music producers and songwriters in the world and one of the defining hit makers of the 21st century.

He's a 12-time Grammy nominee who is 29 number one hits

19 of his songs have over a billion streams each.

He is one five BMI songwriter of the year words and as a solo artist, he has released two albums that have been streamed more than 11 billion times. Benny is also the New York Times bestselling author of the cookbook called Open Wide.

And now he is written a blockbuster of a book called "F Failure," which happens to be exactly the message he is here to share with you today. Any bonko? Welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Oh my gosh. Are we on? We're on. Oh wow. Okay.

I'm ready. So am I. Here's where I want to start. Okay. If the person listening takes everything to heart

that you're about to share based on your life experience and your crazy career about the importance of failure, the importance of how you handle self doubt. Mm-hmm.

“If they really take to heart, what you're going to teach us today?”

Mm-hmm. What the heck could change about my life? I got a few things. One. I'm from Virginia.

I'm not from Los Angeles. I am not from New York City. I did not grow up with famous parents. I did not grow up with a ton of money. I was like a funny looking kid

and somehow through sheer will

and not an incredible amount of talent.

I really don't have an incredible amount of talent. I'm not the hottest guy you've ever seen in your life. But somehow I married the most beautiful talented woman on Planet Earth. I did everything I wanted to do in my career.

Look, if you're five, four, and you want to be in the NBA, I'm going to root for you. But it might be an uphill battle.

“I'd say almost everything in the world you can do.”

You can do most of the things if you work hard at it. It's just about getting started, okay?

So everyone always gives 9 million excuses

why they're not going to do something, why they can't. They'll say, oh, I'm going to write this book. But first I got to get a typewriter. Oh no, I'm not going to do a typewriter. I'll do it in my phone.

No, no, I got to be old school and I got to write it by hand. By then there's been three weeks in your still figuring out what apparatus you're going to use to write your book. And it's just about starting now. Start today.

I don't care. Whatever idea you have if you have one idea. And it's usually the idea you're too scared to tell anyone because you're embarrassed, you're shy. All of the above.

Start doing something to move that from here to here. I'm asking you to move it three and a half inches forward. If you can do that, just start to do it. And you know what? The thing you start off doing might not be the thing you do in the end.

But you'll probably land somewhere pretty fucking cool. Like I thought I was going to be the biggest singer rapper in the world when I was 11 years old. That didn't happen for me. But I did get to do some pretty cool shit along the way.

So just start somewhere. You write on the back of this book. I wrote this book to show you why it's the key to success, failure. Every hero you've ever had has failed more times than you can imagine.

Nobody is keeping a scorecard on your life except you. And if they are, they're in a hole.

Embrace failure and never look back.

Why do you think it's so hard for people to start? Why do we get so up in our heads? What do we afraid of, Benny?

“I think it's really hard for people to start the engine”

because there's so many what ifs. What if I post this? And then my friends from when I was younger make fun of me because it looks like I'm trying to be like two reachy or two preachy or two this or two that.

And then someone says, well, what if I post my music video and it gets zero views? Well, what if I try out for the basketball team and I don't make it? What if I go to acting class and they tell me I'm bad?

People are scared of being embarrassed, okay? It's something that we were taught. And it's not true. I feel every day, okay? I feel every single day.

And one of my friends who's going through a tough time. Very successful had something that failed in his career and he like couldn't get over it. And he said, you're standing on a soap box talking about how you're going to do something

and it's going to be the biggest best thing in the world. And 90% of the time it is, he said, but even when you fail, you just wake up the next day and you just go about it. You just go about it like nothing happened.

And I started thinking about it and I said, well, I guess I have like a failure to amnesia. What does that mean failure to amnesia? Or amnesia to failure. I think you have the time.

Look, I just fucked up just now. Okay. That's a perfect thing. Keep that in. Nobody take that out. I'm not taking that out.

Okay. So I-- You have an amnesia to failure. Meaning you forget about failure? If you forget about the failure,

I feel like everyone else is going to forget about it. I want to make sure that as you're listening, you actually heard what Benny just said that if you forget about the failure, you're--

I'm really also going to feel like that. Okay, look. This. So he's holding a board. What's that?

Yeah. Anyone listening. I'm holding a board. It says failure. Okay.

This is you. This is me. We are this board. We are together. We both have lots of failures.

But if we just go like this, and we go like that, and we go like that, and you just pretend that I'm really good at racing. And there's none of those little specks of failure there.

I need more. Right now, we have a blank board. Okay. So you're looking at this right now. This is me.

You don't see failure. You see nothing. It's so true. But hold on. You know what I see when I look at you?

What? Because this is one of the reasons

when you and I first started talking.

“And I think you are such an incredibly powerful”

and unique teacher. I really do. But I was like, okay, and how do I get over the fact? And overcome the fact that when somebody looks at you and sees your career or sees you in the public eye

and sees all the accomplishments,

okay, well, you know, it's Benny Blanco.

I mean, what could he teach me about? Like how I'm going to get like happiness in my life for meaning in my life. Do you see what I mean? And so people look at you and only see the accomplishments,

but they don't see the failures that got you here. Because nobody's looking at those failures.

“What do you remember about Michael Jordan?”

He dunked from the foul line. He scored like the most amount of points out of anyone. Maybe LeBron broke that now. I don't even know. But at that time, it was that.

So you're sitting there. You're looking at Michael Jordan. Are you counting all his misses? He took the most shot out of anybody. And it's like, he's not sitting there saying,

like, I took 22 shots today. I shouldn't take anymore. I only made six of them.

No, he's going to shoot the fucking lights out

until he gets what he wants. And I feel like you, me, or all doing the same thing, I should be the exact person you're listening to. Look at me.

I have no special power. I wasn't born with anything special. I'm just a normal guy who works really hard and gets what I want. Because most people, when they get up to that line,

where it's just a brick wall. Okay, you're sitting at a brick wall.

“Most people, they get to the brick wall.”

They go, uh, to brick wall. I'm going to turn around. Me, I get to the brick wall. And I like, I like, I like throw it to the ground.

I run, I jump through it. I might break my neck or something, but I'm going to die trying to do it. And that's just if you have the motivation and you just keep going,

you don't let anybody tell you, you can't do something because of this, this and that, you can do it. You can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it.

Almost. Well, then, you know what I find fascinating is that a lot of, at least, for me personally, I can see years wasted, waiting for either somebody to pick me,

or somebody to notice, or somebody to give me permission, or the perfect conditions. And as everybody's been waiting around for some, like, other person, right?

To give you the signal. Yeah. What it's easy to miss, is that the only person that's actually stopping you from doing something as you. And you're stopping yourself because you're scared,

and you don't need to be scared. I'm going to look at the camera and you don't need to be scared. Nothing bad is going to happen, except maybe you're right where you started, and you just got to keep working harder at it.

And I'll tell you one thing, I've been at the top, and have to go all the way back to the bottom, and come back up. Has that ever happened to you?

Have you ever been at the top of your game, and fall in down so far? You don't even know where you could go, and then you got to climb all the way back up? Yes, 41.

Three kids under the age of 10. We were doing great. My husband was in the restaurant business. Things went sideways. We found ourselves 800 grand in debt.

Lines hit the house. I lost my job. Couldn't pay for groceries. Like, yeah. And what'd you do?

Well, I, well, first of all,

I drank myself into the ground, and then laid around a misery and bitched it. My husband blamed the world for my problems. And that didn't work. And then I finally got so sick of where I was,

and I got so sick of waiting for somebody else to rescue me. And I got so disgusted by the spiraling that I was creating, and the envy that I felt watching other people progress in their lives. Like, I literally got just disgusted with myself and the stagnation and the self-loving

that I just had this moment where I just said if I actually want to change my life, prove it. Do you remember where you were? Yes, where were you? I was lying in bed on a Tuesday morning, February 2008.

And then how many things do you think you tried before things started going your way? How many times did you try to get a job? Try to do this, try to get a mic? I mean, it took every day all day and long.

That's my life. And you know what I'm like? But when you say that, you know, your special talents can vents me because I don't believe that.

“Okay, here's what I think it's a special talent to start,”

but I think you can teach us how to do it. Yes, I know if I show up every day. Maybe I don't know what I'm doing, but if I show up and eventually, there might not be the other guy there

and they just need the next best thing. Like, it's really not that complicated. Look, it seems so complicated. It seems daunting for me. I started, okay.

I had a dream. I wanted to be a musician, a professional musician. Okay. Music is going to be my life. And I have no connections.

Zero point zero connections. So there's nothing. There's nothing there.

Zero. I can't even go show up somewhere. I don't know where it is to show up. I'd show up.

“So I would go and I would wait outside of recording studios.”

When I was probably at this point, like, 10, 11. 10 or 11. Yeah, go to a studio. I'd have my mom take me. I'd go to a studio and I'd wait outside.

And I'd wait for a person to walk out and I'd say, "Do you make music?" And that was, I would just ask. And then I'd say, "Can I do anything here? Can I do this?

Can I do that?" And I was just trying to be in the room. Because if you show up and you're in the room, something's going to go down. Something's going to happen.

You're going to either learn. You're going to get an opportunity. Like, so much of it is just showing up. And then finding the room. Okay.

That's the first two things.

Okay. You figured out where recordings are. So you're showing up.

“And the turning point for me is the first form of social media came out.”

Okay. And it was called, well, the first form that I got. It was called my space. Okay. And I got on my space.

Okay. So again, showing up. Yes. Putting yourself in the room. These can be real rooms.

Yes. They can be digital rooms. Yep. And we didn't even have a computer at this point. So I would do it at lunchtime.

In the library. And I would do anything I could to get in touch with people.

So first thing I started doing is I would cold call record labels.

Okay. And let's say I was calling interscope records. I would call up and I'd say is Jimmy Iveen there. Jimmy Iveen ran interscope records. I'd say is Jimmy Iveen there.

And then I would look up who snoop dog or two-pock-score. I'd look up who their lawyer was. I'd look up online. And then I'd call and I'd say yes. I'm calling on behalf of Jayzi.

This is Michael Guido. We need to speak to you know, Jimmy immediately. And you know, half the time they want to do it. But occasionally I would get put through. Okay.

So I'd be put through to the president of the company. And I'd say. Oh, I'm sorry. This isn't Michael Guido. I just want to let you know.

This is Benny Blanco. I have all this music. I want to show you the bubble and I get hung up on. And but eventually I started becoming friendly with the interns, with the people that answered the phone.

And I kept those relationships up till this. I mean, my manager, my manager of my career, is a person I met when I was 16 years old, doing all these same shenanigans, working for people,

and I still am with him 20 something years later. And a lot of those people I first called are now the heads of companies. And I still have those relationships 20 something years later. And I started. I had no idea what I was doing.

But I got up. I woke up and I did the same thing to you. I got out of bed. And I just started every day myself. I try to make every day the best day I can for that day.

“Okay. And the only way you don't get better is if you don't get out of bed.”

And getting out of bed doesn't just mean getting out of bed. Getting out of bed means going and attacking the day. And as long as you start attacking the day, it will get better. Benny, you are on a roll.

And I don't even want to stop you, but I have to hit pause so we can hear words from our sponsors. And don't go anywhere because a little later, he is going to tell you about a specific list that you need to make to find the right person, which is exactly how he found Selena Gomez.

Benny and I will be waiting for you after this short break to stay with us. Where's one area where you really struggle? I can get out the door for a walk. I can drink my water. I prioritize sleep.

Oh, my gosh. It falls apart for me in the kitchen.

But here's what changed everything for me.

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One shot, 20 grams of high quality protein, five grams of fiber, only 100 calories, use code melt 10 at pure genius protein.com for 10% off. Protein and fiber for less than $3 a shot. Welcome back at your friend Mel Robbins today. Benny Blanco is here in our Boston studios.

He's come here for one reason. He's come here for you. He is here to inspire you and to teach you how to overcome fear. A race self doubt and get started creating the life that you deserve. Benny here's where I want to go next.

This book I love the color. Thank you. This is page 72. Okay. Here's a fun fact.

You're never going to feel ready to start.

If you wait around until you feel prepared or like you have enough experience or like you know how it all works, I will come back to check on you in five years. And you will still be standing exactly where you are right now.

“Success is not worrying about the inevitable failure that comes from not totally knowing what you're doing.”

It's about going all in with so much conviction that everyone believes you including yourself. Then rolling the dice. What does that mean? Right before I do something, I get scared. But it's a different type of scared.

I'm not scared to do it. It's about to happen. It's about to happen. And there's that moment where you go. Do I want everyone to know this?

Do I want everyone to know this? Do I want everyone to know this? Do I want to fuck it? And then you just go for it. And I'm always going to go for it because if I believe it,

if I can sell a dream to myself and to the people around me. It's just going to start swang in your direction. Like the gravity will pull. If you have the energy on your side and you're moving forward, even if some things are pushing you back.

Eventually you're going to be able to push through.

And it's just most people find it hard to do that first push.

And a lot of people don't believe in themselves. Well, what would you say to the person who's listening? Like, I want that. Yes, yes. And I don't believe in myself.

“Maybe they've been rejected after trying for a little bit.”

It's taking too long. And so that self doubt is really there. What would you say to the person who's listening? It's like, Benny, I want that. But I don't know how to start believing in myself.

How bad did the rejection hurt? Okay. That's first why I want to know. How bad was it being rejected? Is it bad?

Yeah, you ask someone out when you're a kid and they say no. And you're embarrassed for a few hours. And then you come back to school the next day. And nobody gives a ship because a new person got asked out and rejected. So first you got to know how bad did it hurt to be rejected.

I promise you you're sitting there. You're talking to yourself right now. And you're saying it's not that bad in your head. You want to say it's worse. You really want to say it was this terrible thing.

And I couldn't get out of bed for 16 years. No, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad. It sucked. It sucked for a second.

It wasn't that bad. Okay. So rejections not that bad. So that's not your excuse. Okay.

Is it going to be hard? Yeah. It's going to be hard. What you just want to like immediately be the best at something in the world. No, you're going to have to work at it.

And you're going to fail. And you're going to have so many barriers. And you're going to have so many times where you want to quit. But you're not gonna. Because you know that if you do quit, you're just giving space for that other person

trying the same thing to just get right ahead. Oh, God. That's a good one. Yeah. That the second you quit, you actually just open the door for someone else.

“I think what you're talking about is really interesting because a lot of people believe that”

the path to getting what they want should or will be easier than it needs to be. And it will be. But like let's talk about that. It's going to be harder. Yeah.

Like it's going to be so much harder than you think it is. You're going to work harder than you've ever worked in your life. And you're going to want to quit. I want to quit all the time. I'm exhausted.

I'm tired. Like we're all tired. Everyone is tired. I'm looking at. Are you tired?

Yes. You don't need your. I know you're shaking your head. Yes. We're all tired.

Everyone is tired. I'm tired doing a thing that I love more than anything in the world. But I'm tired because I'm putting in the hours. And I'm doing. And you know, sometimes look.

I'll be for real with you. Sometimes I've been working all day. Okay. And I finally get home. I'm exhausted.

It's eight. I got to make dinner. Selena's waiting for me. She's been waiting to eat. And yet sometimes I come home and I'm exhausted.

And I know I have to give that to her because she wasn't part of that day. Her day is just starting now with me. Success comes in so many different forms. And if I get to come home and I listen to everything she's saying. And she tells me about her whole day.

And we get to connect on a deeper level. Like that's another sign of success. I didn't fail. I succeeded. You know?

Well, I really got something out of what you just said.

I want to hover right here for a minute because you said something that has never quite hit me that way.

Which is when you get home after a long stressful day. And you are walking in and your wife Selena's there. Her day with you is just starting. And after being with Chris for 32 years.

I will tell you that poor man.

“It's a worse to me even though he is my favorite person in the world and deserves the best.”

But I had never thought about framing it as your kids or your spouse or your friend or your brother or your mom.

Their day is starting with you when you walk in at the end of the day. Of course. Of course. Look, you're not going to win every time. And I'm competitive until the things over.

Like, let's say, I'm in a race to get a song number one or to get number one on the book charts. I'm going to give it my all and I'm going to be competitive as shit and do everything I can. Or if I want to get that job, I'm going to do everything I can. And then at the end, whether I get it or not, that's the end. I did my absolute hardest.

I put all the effort I could possibly do into it and I'm happy that success to me. Whether it's technically a failure or not, that is still success to me. That is definitely.

So you should trick like if you put your all into something and then it doesn't happen.

Yeah. Is there a way you unhook yourself from the fact that it didn't happen? Yeah, I say, what else could you have done? I only amad it myself. If I didn't do all the things, sometimes things don't work.

Sometimes it's not the right time, not the right place. I'm not going to give up on that passion. But I might have to go back to the drawing board and say, okay, how did this not work? Like, what can I do differently this time? To make this work for me.

And sometimes working doesn't mean being number one on the chart. Like for me to know that this resonated with people, for me to know this or that. And if I did everything I possibly could do, it's complete.

“And the only way that stays a failure and doesn't get flipped into a success is if I didn't learn”

from what happened during that failure. What I wanted to unpack with you Benny is the fact that it is also hard to not do it. It is hard to sit in the self-doubt. It is hard to say all the what ifs. It is hard to think about all the things you could be doing and watching everybody else do it.

And at some point understanding that either one doing it or not doing it is hard. Oh my god, they're both painful. Everything in life is going to be hard at some point. That's just how it works. The best things in the world, you say you have a kid, you love your kid.

Something's going to be fucking hard. You have a relationship. You love, I don't care if it's the best relationship in the world. It's hard because two people are fitting together and two people have completely different lives. And they have to coexist and live together.

You're working for someone, it's going to be hard because you're going to have to do things for that person above you. Let's say that person above you is having a shitty day and they're taking it out on you. Like it's going to be hard, it's all going to be hard. So your point is perfect because it's like if it's all going to be hard, at least do something that's going to have some relief somewhere.

Rather than just sitting in a hole that's always going to be a whole of misery.

Thank you for saying that I have so many more things I want to ask you. So here's what we're going to do. Benny, we're going to hit pause on this recording. We're going to let our sponsors share a few amazing words. And I'm going to give you a chance to share a little Benny Blanco with the people in your life.

But don't you dare go anywhere. Benny and I will be waiting for you after this short break to stay with us. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel Robbins and today you and I are hanging out with 12 time Grammy nominated producer and songwriter Benny Blanco. We are talking in our Boston studios with you all about failure and erasing self doubt and the importance of starting.

So Benny, let's just jump right back in. You're very open about a fear that you've had for the last 15 years.

“Can you talk to us about it? What is this big fear that you've got over?”

I wouldn't say God over. But okay. So I was on an airplane in 2009. So I got on the plane. My plane instantly is a terrible flight. Like it couldn't be worse. It's like one of those flights where no one's allowed to go to the bathroom.

There's no drinks, no anything. That's the sign that that things are dangerous. You don't put the card and not where they had it up at the beginning and it flew down the thing. So it's tense. So get off the plane and get on another plane that's like this big.

And I'm connecting. It's like me and my three friends and I can like smell what the pilot had for lunch. And I'm on another bad flight. And then I tell my manager, I say, I don't know if I can fly home. And I remember I took a train home.

From Florida? Yeah. And I was like, oh, it was so annoying. But then I get home and I fly again a few times.

“I remember I had a girlfriend at the time in London.”

I'm going to see her. It's okay. Like I'm okay. But I'm like really on edge. Like every little bump is like making me nervous.

On the way home, this was back in the day. I don't even know if it's like this anymore. Like your TV came out of like a thing next to the rest or whatever. And I remember I'm on there. We hit a bump and my TV thing just flies off.

And I'm like, I'm never flying again.

At this point, first I like my brother drives me across country for the first time. And then my friends did then I took a train. Then I took a bus. Then I started taking a tour bus. And I really never flew again really after that.

I, um, for how long? I flew a handful of times after 2009. And I flew once in 2018. Then I flew once in like 2019. And then I flew once like a week or two ago.

Or like a month ago. Really? I flew a month or two ago for this book. Because I said, if I'm talking about failures and successes and coming over. How could I not get on a plane?

And I was scared. But I didn't hit this news button. I woke up. I attacked the day. And I got on the plane.

And then I went and I ate tacos.

But I was scared. I was scared. But I did it. I was convincing myself that I was going to do it. I don't know if I'm cured forever.

I was still very scared. But I did it. And then I'll tell you something. I'll tell you a few stories. One time me and Ed Sheeran were finishing the divide album.

And that's like his album with shape of you. Perfect. Castle on the hill. Like so many big songs. And he said, I want to finish the album in my hometown in Suffolk.

Which is on the coast of England. So I said, Ed, I don't fly. He knew I didn't fly. And he said, come on, man. Just fly.

And I said, I can't fly. And he said, well, what if we take a boat? So we took a boat from New York City to London. And it was seven and a half days. And we watched the Titanic on the boat.

Oh my God. You're right for punishment. And we made. We actually made a lot of the album on the boat. There's a documentary out about the whole experience.

And I'm crazy. And I wanted to prove I could do this. Because I have to practice what I preach. But yet, it still haunts me. It's still hard.

It still I did it. But it was tough. It was really hard. And I'm going to have to do it again. But yeah, I'm literally taking a boat.

And a few weeks to Europe again. Again. Again.

“How does it feel to know that that fear is stopping you from making certain decisions?”

It doesn't stop me from making decisions because I work so hard that I have to find a way to do it. So I still get to whatever destination I need to. But yeah, it's stupid. Are you kidding me? What's that stupid?

It is very. It's very stupid. It doesn't. But very real. Stupid and real don't mean like it's it's stupid.

And sometimes look, I'm not saying. You have to be perfect. I am the furthest version from perfect that there is. I mess up constantly. I'm the same guy who will go in and I'll say something else.

Oh, why did I say that? That was so stupid. I shouldn't say that. I still have imposter syndrome. You?

I do. I still do. Like put me at the scene in the last time you had imposter syndrome. When I walked in here today. Really?

I'm saying when I walked in and there was a bunch of people in here.

“The first thing that I said, I said, Oh, why are all these people here for me?”

This is like, shouldn't they just do their stuff? And I started getting embarrassed.

And sometimes I'll be like always when I'm doing one of these things.

Like, well, why does a person want to listen to what I have to say? And I think that's also part of what helped me get to where I am today. I just want people to really know. Like it's very easy for me and Mel to sit here and say like you're going to do this. And you're going to do that.

But like, I know for us there's forms of self-doubt. There's times when we don't feel like doing it. There's times when I wake up and I say, fuck, I can't do today. The point I'm trying to make is I feel like sometimes people will start what they're doing. And then they'll regret and they'll have that moment and they'll say, Oh, it's already gone.

I stopped. I can't do it.

It's not true.

You're just going to get up and you're going to work twice as hard tomorrow.

It's not always perfect. And that's okay. And it's okay to fail. And it's okay to be bummed about failing, too. But in the back of your head, you still got to be like, today I couldn't do it.

I couldn't fight. I wanted to. I couldn't do it. And tomorrow I'm going to work fucking three times as hard.

“I want to make sure as you're listening, you really heard something really important that Benny just explained.”

Which is when it comes to success and creating the life that you want or going after goals that you really feel called to go after. The skill is not that you just start and you keep going and then suddenly it gets easier. The actual skill that creates the things that you want is continuing to wake up for decades and not feel like it. Continuing to have it be really hard. Continuing to question what you're doing and the skill becomes showing up anyway.

That's what I kind of hear you saying that like it's not about that if you just keep showing up and you just keep producing the music or you just keep posting the videos or you just keep trying to lose the weight that it's going to get any easier because I don't think it does. No, that's people's biggest misconception. Look, I'll tell you a story. Tell me a story. The year is maybe 2015. I don't even know.

I'm so bad with years. I was a really successful producer and songwriter. Can you stop before you tell this story? Can you just tell the person who's listening? Like what does that mean? Like how old are you when you signed your first round? Do well, I saw my first record doing. I was seven eight seven 18. Okay 18. My first like real real one. Basically I started writing songs for other people. Okay. I hadn't knack for it. I guess and I was able to create most of like the soundtrack for like. Kids childhood from a certain era. I hate talking about myself, but for all intents and purposes. I was at the top of the charts for many, many years for writing.

Most of the popular songs that any given song. Just give the person a couple like because somebody might not know what you're talking about. Hold on. You're not talking about kids, Bob.

No, I'm gonna. I'm guys. This is so embarrassing just because I always forget. I'm gonna. I'm literally Wikipedia myself. I'll read a few.

Katy Perry. I kissed a girl. Katy Perry. Hot and cold. Britney Spear's circus. Keshah's TikTok. Keshah's blah blah blah. Keshah's your love is my drug. Katy Perry's California girls. Katy Perry's teenage dream. Rihanna diamonds. Maroon five moves like Jagger. Maroon five pay phone. Maroon five maps. Maroon five animals. Ed Sheeran's don't. Ed Sheeran's entire divide album. Justin Bieber's love yourself. Major lasers cold water. Senurita by Shawn Mendez and Camila Cabello.

I don't. I'm done. Great. Now that that like gives good context. So let's go back to the story. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I was really in a good position. Okay. I had all the success. All these number ones.

“And I was finding it hard to get the work I wanted. And I was like, why is this so difficult?”

And I was like still running into the same problems. I always thought when I was younger and I was making these songs.

Oh, well, once I have all the hits, everyone's just gonna come to me. I was still running into the same problem. And honestly, it was even worse because people were like, oh, well, you made any song you played them has to be the biggest song in the world. Because they're expecting something that's so larger than life. And I was on tour with Ed Sheeran. Okay. And the defiant ones had just come out by doc.

It's a documentary with Dr. Dre and Jimmy Ivene. And I remember sitting backstage at Gillette Stadium with Ed Sheeran. And it was his first time ever playing a stadium show. And we were watching defiant ones and it just finished. And he stood up and he said, man, they did so much in their life.

What the fuck are we doing with our lives?

“And literally as he said, what the fuck are we doing with our lives?”

A man comes backstage and says, all right, Ed, you're on. And Ed went and played in front of 75,000 people. And I remember right after that, I called my manager, he's right outside the guy I've known since I was 15. And I said, we got to do something different. No one's taking my music.

The artists are changing that idea isn't. I need to put out the music myself. I need to be the record label, the artist, the publisher, everything. And two days before me and Ed had made a demo together. And the demo was the beginnings of a song called East Side.

Okay.

I want to become an artist.

“And I thought Ed was going to say, do what the fuck are you talking about?”

Just make songs for us. That's it. And he looked at me and said, I can't believe it's taking you so long to do this. You should totally become an artist. Ed tells me to do it.

The songs amazing. I love it. Then I say, wait, I think the song should be a duet. Okay. And I met my house one day.

And I'm recording Halsey. And I said, I got this song that I did with Ed. And I wanted to make it my own artist thing. And she was like, you're making an artist project. And I thought it was like going to be, what are you doing?

She was like, that's awesome. Of course I'll do it. So within like 20 minutes, she does her verse on the song. So now I have one artist on the song. I somehow get put in touch with Khalid at the time.

And this is like he was really top of the charts at this point. And I said, I have this song. I want you to be on it. And he says, let's do it. So he records the song.

Okay.

“Then we get to the point where the songs about to come out.”

And I send Khalid the song back. And he said, I hate my vocals. I have to redo it. Or the song can't come out. And I said, we got one more day.

The song has to be sent to master. With all odds stacked up against us, we get that done. Okay. So song is recorded. It's finished.

I say we're home free. Everything's good. All the powers that be all the label owners, the managers. It gets all fucked up. Songs not coming out anymore.

Okay. Songs not coming out. We wait more months. Now we're 10 months after, you know, things were going to happen. So many start and stops.

And I finally get to the point where I'm about to give up.

And I have a call. Someone in the deal is not budging.

“And it's either this way or the highway.”

And it was something that was unworkable. And our member, everyone was like, we gave it our best shot. I said, I'm going to call one more time. And I smooth the deal out. Immediately call it on my people. Everyone did it.

We finally get the song out. Okay. Song comes out. And I'm like, let's go. Doesn't really do anything.

Like it's like going, but it's like, and I'm like, okay. And then starts picking up a little bit. Okay. Then a little more.

Then a little more. And it was the longest climb to number one in radio history. The longest it's ever taken for a song to get from the bottom to the top. Okay.

Now I have my first hit song as an artist.

Now, that long story I took there. That was just one story in the process of making an album. And to you, you saw this song come out being incredibly successful. You probably didn't even realize that it took that long to get there. You definitely didn't realize all the conversations I had staying up trying to get this song to happen.

I had so much self-doubt. I was questioning it all the time. I was questioning every second of the way. And then I got there and we did it. And I could have given up and I could have hit the snooze button.

And I could have looked when failure was written all over that board that I threw around. But I just got up and I kept doing it. And I don't know why I kept doing it. I kept putting my foot in front of the other. Even if I didn't know why I was doing it.

And then we got there. And we did it. And we did it. And a thing that was just a little dream backstage at a show became the rest of my life. I love the story so much.

And one of the reasons why is because as you go along the trajectory of what sounded like almost a two year. Long project. Almost. Yeah. And the various points, there was infinite moments where you could have just been like fuck this.

Yeah. It is done. Okay. I got the know. I'm exhausted.

I'm not doing this anymore. And in those infinite moments, all it takes is one person to still believe. And that person is just you. And it's one of the things that you've kind of been saying over and over that if you wake up every day and say, I'm just going to move this song forward three inches today. And then I'm going to do it again tomorrow.

And I'm going to do it again tomorrow until I get enough momentum to make the phone call and inch it forward three more inches.

You are in your life is how many days you wake up and you're the know and you're coming up the reasons why you can't inch it forward or find another way.

“And you know, you talked about the what is right and you sit in the what if and what if what if and we don't ever ask ourselves what if it all works out.”

What if I make one more phone call and I can get the deal done what if I ask one more time what if it works. My mom she never chased her dreams never my mom worked as a person who set up the jewelry at like JC pennies and macy's she eventually landed in a job that she did like where she worked at an assisted living home and she was giving back to people. I asked her I said why didn't you chase your dreams but she was younger she was a model and she painted and she had all these dreams and she said.

I wasn't taught to believe when you went to school you went to school they told you you're supposed to do this and you're supposed to get a job and you're supposed to not. You're not supposed to make the world.

“Try to tell you not to make a mess they try to be really clean and you got to do as you're told and you got to get your job and then you got to go here and then you got to do this and then for.”

30 years you work and then maybe you'll get social security and there's like they're telling you all these things and we're just supposed to sit back and. Take them at face value and just listen the reason why I want this book to happen is because I know there's so many people out there. They have ideas thoughts concepts musical ability acting talent that can make the world a better place and inspire us and change us. Thank you for saying that because I do get both sad and frustrated because I see that inside every single person.

There is this untapped potential there's a story to tell there's a song to sing there is a book to write there is a difference to make there's something to build to create to connect with and. I think it is so sad and I and I say sad because I can see now looking backwards Benny the decades the decades. Where I was the one who was in my way I was the loudest now I was the one saying it's not going to work I was the one saying not you not now who do you think you are what are people going to think that I was the one.

And I think for a lot of us.

That is the biggest barrier to starting and you'll never believe if you don't actually see yourself start taking that first step.

“You know one of the things you talk about Benny is that life is like a stool and that there are three legs to really focus on and I think this is really helpful particularly if everything feels overwhelming.”

I have a stool here yep so your life is this stool okay so this is success this is the end goal okay now you have three legs a stool is made of three legs okay now now when you're thinking of what. The things are that make up your life what are they you know most people say career relationships self care health whatever it is whatever your three are what are your three just just you doesn't have to be the same as my. Definitely be like relationships and family okay so family is right here for sure okay the other one would be purpose and impacts that's kind of career okay you know like this yeah impact purpose and impact.

Yeah and the third be health because if you don't have your health you don't have a life okay health I don't have three arms but I'm grabbing all these legs okay so.

I say you're crushing it you own a company you have the fucking Ferrari the Lamborghini everything's good but. Your kids hate you okay so that's your that's that's the relationship and family okay your kids hate you okay so now I'm gonna let go okay what just happened. Your life sucks your life sucks okay now we're pulling this back up in life when you can get that combination of the three. Then nothing stopping nothing nothing in the world and I recently got that I recently got that and probably the last five years and.

I feel more stable than I ever have in my entire life and if all those little pegs those legs are strong. Then you're rocking if they aren't you got to realize sometimes you got to step back and you got to get up and do my method you got to do whatever it is to realize.

Yeah everything can wait until I get this back in balance exactly that's your method I want to read to you from your best selling book this page.

“Oh eight and it's really about timing and the importance of timing everything in life is about timing my relationship with Selena is another great example.”

We first met about 15 years ago we worked together five or six years after that and then again five or six years after that and had a casual friendship during the time then we started dating a few years after that now she's my wife.

We always talk about how it never would have worked out if it were at a different time or place in our lives because neither one of us would have likely been ready.

So what had to change about your life in order for the timing to be right and for you to be ready to have the relationship that you have now. I had to figure out that work life balance. I was filling up the career side a little too much. I had to get healthy and that means physically mentally all of that. I had to understand myself. I always wanted to do so much. I wanted to fulfill my destiny. I had so many things I wanted to do and I realized over time that doesn't have to happen overnight.

“It can honestly sometimes waiting and getting there slowly makes it even better when you get to the finish line.”

It was even on your radar. I mean, you guys knew each other 15 years which I find to be really interesting.

No, she asked me out. There's imposter syndrome. I didn't even think of it. I wasn't even on my radar as if it would be a day and then when we were on our first date she's like, well, I want to warn this if it was our and I said. Wow. Okay. And then I'm thinking about it like that. No, it wasn't even. I always think those are the best type of relationships when your friends with someone and you know them and then once you are there, it's like there's not too much learned. It's like it's always so scary starting a new relation. It's like being with a new therapist. It's like, oh, I got to tell I was already with someone. They know my back story. What I got to I got to catch you up to 38 years of speed. So it's like, so she already knew it obviously didn't know me deeply like that, but she knew me and there was a rapport there. So it made it easy and comfortable.

How did you get clear about what you actually wanted because you said something that struck me about like really understanding how you wanted to love and be loved. I wrote a list with my therapist. You did. Yep. My therapist. We made a list of what I'll tell you exactly what we did. I said, I really want to find the right partner and I'm doing something wrong. I can't find the person that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and I want to do that.

And we came up with some guidelines in a list. Okay, first he said, I want you to write down what you think your ideal partner should be.

“Okay, the first thing on my list was age appropriate. Okay, so I wanted to date so that was the I you have to be very honest with yourself.”

I have never had that on a list. I. So that was that was I age appropriate. Okay, okay, then the second thing on my list was someone who's nice nice caring compassionate like someone who's a nice person. Okay, the third thing on my list was I wanted someone who woke up generally happy who wasn't so sad when they woke up and if they were sad, they were doing something about like they were going to therapy. They were taking medicine if they need to. They were doing yoga. They were actively trying to because sometimes people just wake up sad. That's just part of how it is and and I have a list of things and these were like broad things.

It wasn't like I want they're like left till longer than the right like these are like broad things and if it didn't meet those like first five or six things couldn't even pursue don't waste your time don't waste your time. Wow, I want to just broaden this to the personal listening because as I hear this story, I can't help but think what would be on my list. Yeah, and as we think about taking on this exercise because it's true you can get so focused on the outside of the chemistry or whatever it may be that you don't stop and think on an average Tuesday. Yeah, who is it that I want to be with and what does it feel like and what's important to me and I'm not sure a lot of us have ever stopped to write that down.

So if you had to give some counsel to the person who's listening about like guidelines about the list what would you say, okay, if you're going to do this here's what you need to do you need to cut off all the people right now that you know aren't on that list for your sake and for their sake cut off all the people that don't make the list you're about to make I think you need to find someone.

Okay, does that person make you laugh can you be fine staying home and not going out with any of your friends and not having FOMO because you're with the best person in the world because I know I can I know I could let everything else in the world happen and it doesn't matter doesn't matter I'm with my best friend. One of the things I love about this recommendation of making a list is that you mentioned that a lot of people struggle with feeling worthy and so you end up settling for somebody doesn't treat you that well.

The simple act of making this list and allowing yourself to consider what you actually want is an act of saying I'm worthy of it so many if the person who's listening yes takes one action after listening to everything that you have taught us and share with us today what do you think the most important thing to do after listening to this is.

I want you to do a few things, I don't want you to do one thing, I want you right after this is done.

I want you to either grab a pen paper yourself on however you want to write things down your laptop and I want you to make a list of something you want to do maybe it's one thing maybe it's 10 things maybe it's 20 I want you to make a list of some things you want to do and I want you. To pin point just one you're going to focus on right now okay if one comes mind 20 come mind find that one you're going to focus on okay then I want you to make another list of the first things you have to put together to get that moving in the right direction.

Then I want you today not tomorrow today and move it even a centimeter forward okay and then just keep. That same momentum and you know some days you might let it sit still or Michael back one inch but I want you to keep doing that and I promise you I promise you you will be in a better place than you were before you started. This podcast. What if it all works out.

Not what if it will all work out.

“That's true especially if you don't quit like I think that's actually the secret it works out if you don't quit like you can't fail if you don't quit.”

You can't you can't might still be working at the same thing for a while but you're not going to fail that's right. Benny Blanco what are your parting words. Try to do it you want that's going to like fulfill you and don't just go along with what you were taught to by like some archaic thing in a textbook. And yeah be yourself because everyone else is taken. Benny Blanco 54321.

Oh my god there he goes everybody Benny Blanco and before I sign off I want to make sure I acknowledge you.

Thank you for hitting play. Thank you for listening all the way to the end. I am so excited that you got to experience this and thank you in advance for sharing a little Benny Blanco wisdom with everybody in your life. And one more thing in case no one else tells you this today.

“As your friend I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life.”

There's no doubt in my mind that there was something very specific that Benny shared today that was exactly what you needed to hear right now. So go do it already. I'll see you in the very next episode. I'm going to welcome you in the moment you hit play. I feel like you're my lawyer and I'm on a murder trial and I'm praying that you get me out. I feel like you feel like you. Were you ever a lawyer? I was a legal aid lawyer. What you actually were? I was a public defender in New York City. You feel you have like I'm going to get you out of jail energy in the good way.

Yeah, the same exact day. Sorry I'm unbuttoning my pants. I have to pee. What are we? We've got like 10 15 minutes. Oh, yeah, I should pee that. Okay, great. I'm going to pee. I'll be right back. Is that okay? Oh, okay. You can do whatever you want to do.

“How are we doing? How are you doing? How are we doing?”

How do you think you're doing? I said we. We. Yeah. Is there anyone who has a diet poker or anything? Of course. Okay. Just just anything. No, just can't just I'm going to say I can not raw dog a diet. I'm going to take Tuesday. I don't drink soda. So I'm going to take two sips and I don't drink caffeine either. So like those two three sips are going to make me go. Okay. Great. We will get you a can, although I don't know it's cold. So it doesn't matter. It can be warm. It doesn't matter. I'm not getting you a warm diet coke because then you will be belching on the show.

Okay. I hope I. Okay. Get a warm diet coke. There were so many fucking woofers in this episode.

You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.