Simple Steps for Getting Unstuck: Do THIS and Change Your Life

Today, I'm going to ask you to do something I have never done before.

I'm going to ask you to be selfish. See, there's a project or a goal or there's something important to you that you just can't seem to find the time to get to. Maybe you want to write a book or finally get that certification and become a yoga instructor or the license to be an EMT. Or perhaps there's a closet or a room in your house that you know you've been meaning to clean out or plans to go see that friend that lives across the country

“you've been talking about it for a year or you need to get that photo album done for your parents”

from the trip that you guys took last year. There's always an excuse why you can't get it done.

Well, that's going to change right now because today I have one mission. I want to light a bonfire inside you. So no matter how long you have been putting this thing off or how many excuses you've made by the time you're done listening or watching today, you will be getting started. It is time for you to stop hiding and start leading, creating and living a bigger, bolder light. Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so excited for our conversation

today. I'm excited that you're here. It's always an honor to be together and to get the spend this time with you. And if you're a new listener or you're here because somebody shared this episode with you, I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins podcast family. And holy cow, you have picked one hack of an episode because you're about to meet one of my mentors, the one and only Seth Goden. For the past 15 years, I've been reading absolutely everything that

Seth has written. He's written more than 20 best-selling books. He's considered the godfather of modern marketing. But to me, his work has been pivotal in teaching me how to stop hiding and how to start leading, creating and living a bigger, bolder life. Seth is in our Boston studios today to do for you what he has done for me for decades to help you identify what is truly important to you. And more importantly, teach you how to push through the resistance, the tension, the noise, the fear,

the self-doubt, the excuses. And finally, do the thing and become a better version of yourself. Please help me welcome the extraordinary Seth Goden to the Mel Robbins podcast. Seth Goden, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Dream come true. Thank you. Having me Mel. It's a dream come true because more than anyone else. I'm going to start crying. We're talking more than anyone else. You have really taught me how to overcome fear and resistance and put art out into the world.

“You have taught me everything. I know about how I think about making an impact with people”

and communicating and marketing and having courage. And I'm really proud that you're here because our company, one for three studios in this podcast, is run by people who are students of yours. I can't wait to see the impact that this conversation has on absolutely anyone and everyone that listens to it, that watches it. It is my mission that together we ignite a bonfire inside. It's not like soul and they not just listen but they do something with it.

Thank you. One of the measures of my work is not what happens if I teach somebody. It's what they teach other people and you have taught so many millions of people and it's just a thrill

“to be in the same room with you. All right. I think I let's do this. As you say, let's make a”

ruckus. What could be different about my life? If I take everything to heart that you're about to teach and share with me today and the person who's listening and watching right now, what could change? You know, if you think about whatever situation you're in, whether it's a work or at home, is there anything you could do to make it worse? Is there anything you could tell yourself a story? You could tell yourself or an act. You could accomplish that would make it worse.

And I think we can all agree the answer is of course. Well, by that measure,

intentionally a strategy and maybe we can rewire the story we're telling ourselves and not be a victim or a cog in an existing system but build something that's generative and makes things better for people who care and that might sound like a tall order. But if we can make things worse,

much was not hardly any effort, we can probably make things better as well. I've never really thought

about it that way. That is true. If you just really ponder that question, how could I make my life worse? I could come up with a hundred things to make it way worse today and yet we do not really stop and think about the endless ways that you could make your life your work, your relationships better. Given how many people you have taught, given how many people who have been impacted by your work, just to open up the aperture of possibility for somebody, what are some of the wide-ranging

things that people have made better by embracing so many of the concepts that we're about to dig into today? It's tempting to just point to numbers and what did you grow, how big was your organization,

“but I think it all starts at home. It all starts with the first noise we hear in our head when we”

wake up and the last thing we say to someone we care about when we go to bed and all of that is fuel by the story we tell ourselves, the story of being a victim or the story of being an architect, the story of saying that person, that one right across the table for me, under the circumstances, they are doing their very best. I can't change them, but I can change the circumstances. And so we begin by realizing that people who have had much worse things happen to them than you

or to me or to you have somehow figured out a way to thrive, to thrive, given where they are right now, because the only place to begin is where you are. If you're waiting to get to somewhere

else before you begin, you're never going to get there. We have to start where we are,

acknowledge what's happening right around us and then make a choice. Make a choice about whether we want to change things or whether we want them to stay the same, but you're only a victim

“if you want to be. I don't think anyone likes to hear you're only a victim if you want to be.”

Well, let me be really clear. I won the birthday lottery. I won the parent lottery. I was born with so many advantages compared to people around me or people who the ages. There are people right now who are in relationships that are abusive. They're in debt up to their eyeballs. They're dealing with physical or mental disabilities. All of those things are true. And then what are you going to do? Then what are you going to do? I'm using the word victim very carefully here. I'm not saying

that bad things don't happen. They do. They often happen to people who don't deserve it. What I'm saying is how should we process what's just happened? Should we add a button or an end? I'm on vacation, but it's raining. Means my vacation is ruined. But if it's I'm on vacation

“and it's raining, it means I've opened up the door to now what am I going to do with that?”

Can you give me a couple other examples of the power of but versus and? Those words do a lot of heavy lifting in many sentences, in many stories we tell ourselves, right? I want this person to have exactly the wedding they want, but I also want it to fit into my budget and be the wedding I want. Well, that word but is doing a lot of heavy lifting. And this is one of the key things that's unlocked with the let them theory, which is you can let people do things,

but you can't have your budget at the same time. You can't have your end at the same time. There are things in our front of us that are problems and there are things that are in front of us that are situations. Problems have solutions, situations do not. So if it's a situation, we have no choice but to accept it because it has no solution. But if it's a problem, it can be solved. You might not like the solution, but it can be solved. And so my takeaway from your brilliant

book is if that person is going to do what they're going to do, I can treat it like a situation I can have a big fight about it. Well, I can realize they're going to do what they're going to do

and my solution to the problem is to let them. What is the difference between a solution

in a situation because I was sitting here going, huh? A situation is something that you can't

years and years ago in college. You can't rewrite the laws of physics. You can't be in two cities

at the same time. You can't persuade a company to buy something from you if they don't want to buy it from you. Those are situations. Problems have solutions, you just might not like them in the short run, but there is a way forward if you're willing to accept an outcome that isn't the one you've been dreaming of. And so what I'm trying to do is let you off the hook if it's a situation. Okay, I can't change this, but I mean, I have to accept it or put you on the hook

if it's a problem and say, yeah, this is a problem. I might not like the solution and probably I have a solution in mind that I don't want to do, but I know what I could do. I just don't like still a solution. Breakups, taking better care of yourself, sticking to a budget, putting yourself out there and risking the judgment of other people. These are all problems, but they have a solution. We just don't want to do it. Yeah, so a simple technical one. If you're willing to have an

uncomfortable conversation with your boss for 15 minutes a year, you'll make more money. Because in those 15 minutes, you can share your honest truth about where you are and where you

“want to go. But if it's too much trouble and too scary to do that, then you should settle for what”

you have. So the solution to the salary negotiation is there's probably going to be an awkward conversation. The same thing's true. If your spouse loads the dishwasher in a way that you find really annoying, but you want them to just know that. You don't want to go through the 10 minutes of

hassle to talk about it. Well, we know what the solution is. Tell the truth. Have a respectful

conversation, offering the other person empathy, but letting them hear what you need to say. If solve the problem, it just wasn't fun to solve the problem. Well, most problems aren't all that fun to solve until you solved them. These ones are already gone. Yeah. That's true. So you talked about noise. And one of the things that your work has taught me is just how much resistance I was manufacturing and putting in my own way. And when you first bump into your work, Seth, it can feel very

confronting. And you start to read Seth stuff and you're like, "Who the hell does it? Solutions, problems, noise?" He has no idea. And then you start to really consider all of the resistance

“that you have to that list of things that you can generate that would make a situation better.”

I would love to just start to pull that apart because that's had the single biggest impact on me. It is really being truthful with myself about how much I am in my own way and how much I blame my stuff on other people and other things when it's really none of those things at all. The word resistance means anything that we do to get in our own way to keep us from doing something that's going to scare us. And so let's talk about writer's block.

writer's block was only invented a hundred years ago. We know who named it. The woman who wrote Frankenstein's "Nerdwell poet husband." And writer's block is based on the idea that you just don't have the muse telling you what to write today. This is nonsense. There's no such thing as writer's block. What happens is if it feels important, if writing a memo feels important,

if painting something feels important, if going on a date with someone you've always wanted to

go on a date with and it's tomorrow night feels important, we do something internally to insulate ourselves to protect ourselves to keep us from being on the hook. Because we got indoctrinated by school to do that because factory workers don't have to be on the hook. They just have to do

“what they're told. But it's also, I think, part of human nature. And resistance then is something”

that we cannot make go away. If we're going to do something important, there's going to be resistance. If you don't feel resistance, it might not be important enough. So the question then is what you do when it shows up? And the answer is you say thank you. Thanks for letting me know along the verge of doing something important. Thanks for reminding me that this needs to be on the top of my priority list. The things I'm procrastinating, I'm procrastinating because of resistance.

And so I have a compass. And the compass points me to the hard work to be done. And hard work I think is, is worth talking about for a minute. Hard work in the old days was how many pounds of gravel can you carry on your back because we don't have any machines. But now hard work is,

the other person could hear? Did I make a good decision? Did I write something that's never been written

“before? Sing something that's never been sung before. Pain somebody has never been painted before.”

That's our job. And so when we think about how do we engage with our family? Well, if we're just going to, you know, put this stuff in the microwave oven, check all the boxes and then sit down and watch three hours of streaming every night. You're fitting in. You're making all the companies happy. But you're not facing the resistance, which is what is the worth that needs to be done that I'm afraid of? Why is doing the work that you're afraid of doing? The secret to a

more fulfilling life because you could mistake the word work for something related to your career

or something that is on your to-do list. But I know that you're talking about something at a way more fundamental level. Right. That is about your experience of being alive and your experience of yourself as you're going through this life. So can we go deeper into what that means what the work is? I don't know anybody who wants to spend the rest of their life sitting on a beach

“having a way to bring them my ties. Every day, you're not allowed to do anything else. I think that”

we're drive almost everyone crazy. When we have a chance to be productive in whatever form that is whether or not we are getting paid for it. We have a chance to be fully alive. It could be the pottery you making your spare time or the way you are raising your kids. It could be the fact that you volunteer at the local animal shelter. That's work. You're doing it because the work needs to be done and doing it well is gratifying. There's a magical side effect and the side effect is

this gratifying life translates into a whole bunch of side effects like more respect, like more independence, like more resilience in the bank because the universe can't wait for people to show who do good work. They will line up outside your door and offer you friendship or respect or even money if you are the person who's willing to do the things other people are afraid to do. One of the things that is interesting is that if you think about something that you

“know is important to you, whether it's cleaning out the attic, now that the kids are going.”

Nobody else seems to care about, but this just nags at you or it's really writing down all your grandmother's recipes and self-publishing a cookbook or it's starting that story on Etsy or it's volunteering at the community gardens. There is this nagging thing that is inside each and every one of us that we just shove away and shut down and what you're talking about is that the resistance that you feel because the things that are important don't go away. There is no amount of business that takes

that kind of it's an aching there away. And so you're talking about and giving us this permission

to really look at it differently. It's not a to-do. It is some of the most important things that you

could force yourself to spend time on. Why is the personal nature of that nagging book you want to write? That YouTube channel you want to start, the side business that you keep dreaming about. What is that that thing actually about Seth? Okay, two words, ready? Yes. Pick yourself. The dominant system does not want you to pick yourself. The dominant system wants you to wait to be invited to go on a reality show to be invited to apply for a job. They want you to go to the

placement office and wait for the company to come interview you. The idea that someone else will pick you and authorize you. They will call you up and they say, "Mel, we know you have a novel in you. Would you please write the novel and we will publish it?" And I'm speaking from experience here I've talked to thousands of people in this very situation who have a book inside of them. And my advice to them is it's simple. Make it into a PDF. Email it to 20 people,

ask them to share it with others. For free, if it spreads, your phone will ring and now you can get hired to write another one. If it doesn't spread, write something better. The end. And almost no one does this because it's really awkward to say, "Yeah, I picked myself. I wrote this here. I made this." And those four words here, "I made this" are so challenging, right? That it's

to people you care about. And so, if we can find a life where we can identify the things that are

important to us truly important to us and then pick ourselves, not to do the work to win a prize or get a medal. But because we have agency, because we could, the word for that is freedom. It is the responsibility of showing up to make a thing and offering it to the world. It might just be your family that notices the attic is clean. But you, you realize that you hired yourself to clean the attic. Don't wait till you're going to sell the house in the realtor.

Hires you to clean the attic. You hired yourself to clean the attic. And that sort of freedom and responsibility, that's where dignity lies. And everyone I've ever met wants more dignity in their life. Hang on a second, Seth. I need to pause right here because if you're listening and feeling that spark like something just clicked, don't keep it to yourself. Share this with someone who needs it to a friend, a coworker, your partner, your sister, your adult kids, whoever came to my do it

now while we take a quick break. And then, don't go anywhere because we'll be right back with

more from the amazing Seth code.

Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins. You and I are sitting down with the extraordinary best-selling author and phenomenon Seth Goden. So Seth, why is there so much resistance to picking yourself? Why are we waiting for someone else to come along Seth and be like, hey, you should write that book.

“Hey, you should quit your job. Hey, you know, I think you should start that business. Hey,”

if you ever thought about getting out of that relationship, hey, you should ask your family to help you out a little bit more. Life is high school, isn't it? It is. And high school taught us a whole bunch at a very important moment of our life. And the people who got by who seemed the safest, weren't the ones who were picking themselves. They were the ones who were sort of hiding out, hiding out in a uniform, hiding out in an attitude, hiding out in a clique, hiding out in a group,

hiding out in a mob. And so the system wants us to hide out. It's much easier to sell you lunchables and to sell you the next thing on television if you are part of the crowd. Sure. So we have to do some work to undetitious to ourselves. And that's one of the magical things about sharing this podcast. Because when you say to a friend, I'm going to start acting this way. Listen to this. Hold me accountable. You picked yourself, but you now picked someone

to hold your accountable as well. And the cycle can continue. That one of the things we notice is that when you are a part of a scene, whether that scene is jazz musicians in Chicago in 1964, or Silicon Valley entrepreneurs 10 years ago, you want to fit in with the group, the scene you are a part of. So if the scene you're a part of isn't getting you where you want to go, build a different one, build a different circle of people who ask each other hard questions about their relationships,

about the books they're reading, about the books they're writing, about whatever it is you want to make,

“because we become who we hang out with and what they expect of us. I believe it's a fact”

that there's something about the hard wiring of a human being that is a fundamental need, tied to growth, tied to learning, tied to connection and expressing yourself. And no matter how busy you get, no matter how much you drink, no matter how much money you make, no matter

how broke you may get, you will still never outrun the things that are uniquely meant for you to

do during this lifetime. They just have this kind of magical way of haunting you. And so that presents you with this choice. Do I sit, knowing deep down, there's some change I want to make. There's some way I want myself or my world or my family to be better. There's some thing I want to do. There's people I want to find. But instead of doing it, I am going to sit with the resistance

“that slowly is killing me as I think about it and actively deny or talk myself out of it.”

One of the things that I see a lot Seth when people write in is somebody who'll write in and say, you know, I've I've changed my life. I've lost some weight. I'm exercising. I feel incredible. I've started journaling every day. I'm also now selling this new skincare line or I got my real-itters license. My partner hates what I'm doing. They're not supportive at all. So can you talk a bit about the noise and the resistance that comes from the people around you

because of that outside pressure. So when in doubt, look for the fear. There are three things that motivate people. Fear, affiliation and status. So let's do them in reverse order. Status is who eats lunch first? Who's up and who's down? What kind of car are you driving? You know, is your desk closer to the bosses? Who are you mom's favorite kid? Status. Affiliation is who's to my left? Who's to my right? Am I wearing the right outfit? It's my hair the right style.

Am I wearing the right glasses? Do I fit in? And between those two, underlying both is fear. It starts of course with the fear of death because we're all going to die. But it extends

to a million things. We figured out how to hook almost everything up to fear. So the people who are

around you who care about you are afraid. So are you. And that fear might involve not knowing the person you're about to become. That fear might involve catastrophizing what might happen if the

“world change. But here's the thing, Mel. The world is really crazy right now. And this is as normal”

as it is ever going to be again. If you're waiting for things to get back to normal, you're going to be waiting a very long time. And so given that change is happening whether you like it or not, the question should we take agency and control an influence of that or should we sit back and just wait. And so the people who you are listening to who you are modeling your behavior around, they mean really well. Under the circumstances, they love you and they care about you. But the

circumstances determine everything in the circumstances involved, everything we've been taught, everything we've been led to expect in the systems we're all part of. And if it's working for you, don't change anything. But if it's not working for you, then we get back to the end and but thing. If it's not working for you, you have to decide if it's not working bad enough that you're willing to deal with

“the short term resistance and challenges to change it. And you're not guaranteed it's going to work”

out the way you hope. But you are guaranteed that you can influence. So in the instance of somebody who has changed their lifestyle, they're now healthier, maybe they've cut back on the drinking, they're getting up earlier, they're spouses sleeping in, it feels like they're growing a little bit apart. If we use the butt and you could say I'm getting healthier and I'm feeling great and I'm making positive changes, but my spouse doesn't like it. Versus I'm getting healthier,

I'm making positive changes, I'm feeling much better and my spouse doesn't like it.

And if it's the second one, now you owe your relationship something because your spouse can't fix

this problem by themselves because if they could, they already would have. So you can just announce it's a situation and live with it or you could say, what would it mean for me to really see my spouse, to really see their fear, to really understand how they might feel rejected or denigrated by the fact that I'm doing the thing that they secretly would like to do, do but can't. How can I put effort into helping them feel the firm foundation that our relationship has when it's

had its best and there are lots of ways to do that, but none of them are guaranteed, but if you don't work at it, it's probably not going to work very well. Well, I love just the simplicity of butt and aunt because when you say butt, now all of a sudden it means the spouse is the reason you got to stop doing it or they're the biggest reason why it's hard for you. When you say

and you basically separate yourself and them and you hold space for both things to be true and therefore

they don't become the excuse, they just become one of the problems or the facts of what you're dealing with and now you can decide how you're going to make this better. Correct. It's exactly right. It's super easy. So you think about the marathon? Yes. We're in Boston. Okay. Some people run the Boston Marathon and make it 24 miles and they stop and some people finish it and the only difference between the people who finish the marathon and the people who almost finish the marathon is the

people who finish the marathon figure out where to put the tired. They're both tired. Right. But if you quit at 24, you can't handle all the tired. You got to stop. But the difference is the people make it to 26, they're tired too. They just figure out where to put it. So if you go to a running coach and say, I want to run the marathon, you don't get to say, and I want to finish without

“getting tired, not allowed. You have to say, I'm going to run the marathon and I'm going to get”

tired and I need to be able to do both. So this idea that forward motion, changing your appearance

are you going to put in the effort to get good at dealing with the effects? You just had a sentence

as very liberating. And even though I've read absolutely all your books, I'm not sure this one is ever hit me the way that it hit me right now. I need to be able to do both. There is this presumption, almost like a psychosis that when something's important to you, you believe it's going to be kind of easy to do. And if you were to start with the presumption that this thing's important and I'm going to get tired and it's going to be hard and there's going to be

a lot of resistance. So I need to be able to do both. Do the thing that's important and also know that this is part of the package. For someone who's been really sitting with an idea or feels that

pull toward a positive change, right? But they've been sitting there waiting for the right time,

“waiting to feel ready, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting. What do you say or do?”

Well, congratulations. You got exactly what you wanted. What do you mean? No one's forcing you to not wait. You're choosing to wait. What a safe, lovely place to hang out. To be able to say, I've submitted my novel to 20 great publishers and they all turned me down. Okay, you're off the hook. How safe could that be? That I have a great talk I want to give, but they won't let me get the main stage of Ted. As soon as they call, I'm ready to go give the talk. Congratulations. You built

a perfect place to hide. And we all do this. No matter where we are, no matter what are,

we do for a living. This is what we do. We find a perfect place to hide. And if it's working for you,

don't stop. But if it's not working for you, then we get to this end thing. I have a talk I want to give. And I recorded it yesterday and it's on YouTube tomorrow. All right. Then, like that right, there's like, oh, I don't want to do that though. Right. Do it under another name. I've suggested

“to people for years. You should start a blog. And if you want to do it under an assumed name,”

I don't care. But after a hundred days, you'll want to put your name on it. So tomorrow, I want to put my name on it after a hundred days. Because you're going to be so happy with what you are doing. You're going to be so proud that this work is there. That you did it that you want to take credit for it. Right. It's just the act of saying, here I made this. I put this into the world for people who might benefit from it. And the generosity feeling, because remember, it doesn't

cost us anything to do this idea sharing. And it has leverage. It might be multiplied to a whole bunch of people. This is not the same as going on Instagram and hustling everybody you know to give you a like or whatever it is. They are structuring their algorithm so that you will feel bad until you do more

“of what they want you to do. That's how they make a living. That when we are constantly creating”

content without charging them and telling all of our friends to absorb that content, we're doing their work. It's a trap because you can say, well, I've done all the things. I've got the wide brand hat. I've got the lighting. I'm doing all the things like everybody else is doing. I'm going to be an influencer. I just don't have my 300,000 followers yet. And now you're found another safe place to be stuck. And so you end up burning your relationships by selfishly asking people to do things

for you online and you're pandering to a crowd. You don't know and don't care about. And once again, you're trapped. What you're saying is, if you're sitting in your head, waiting for the right time or obsessing over the right way to do it, probably because you're managing, I want people to like it. So instead of picking yourself and saying, wait a minute, I want to put this out there, whether it's my real estate business or it's my art or it's just me starting to write something.

I want to do it because it's killing me to sit here and watch everybody else do stuff and to know I'm quietly quitting on myself. There's something I call intentional design and it's two simple questions. Who's it for and what's it for? So this thing you're putting on social media, who exactly is it for? Tell me exactly. By name, if you could, who is it for? If it's not one of those people, you don't want them to see it, you don't care if they don't like it. What's it for?

Why are you putting in this effort? What do you get out of it? What do they get out of it? If you can't answer those two questions, who's it for? What's it for? Then you're floundering,

sitting in your house, you're listening to this, you're frustrated because you're

“been thinking about going back to nursing school forever and you thought of all the bazillion reasons”

why you can't in the money and the this and the people and the timing and I'm old and all that other stuff. In that instance, how do you pick yourself? Because you've been in that right? For sure, it's such a groove habit. Two related ideas, the smallest viable audience and the smallest viable piece of art. So the smallest viable audience is what's the smallest group of people that if you made an impact on them, it would be enough. So if it's a household, one kid, that would be enough.

I don't care what the neighbors think. It's for them. And the smallest piece of art is what's the shift I could make that would be worth it. So if you've been paralyzed for 20 years by going back to nursing school, why don't you go to the local senior home or hospital involuntary for one after noon a week? So they're not going to turn you away. What would happen if for two hours a week, you could change somebody's life? Do you want to do that more? Well, there's lots of ways you can do that

more. But you're not sitting at home wishing you're actually spending two hours a day or a week changing someone's life. The smallest viable unit of art is very, very small. I say to people who say my boss won't let me, which is a very common expression. I want to make a difference at work, but my boss won't let me. What they're really saying is I want to revamp everything at work from the top down and they won't give me authority to do so. Well, of course they won't.

But you know what you could do, you could start a book group over lunch on Fridays. And you could just invite five people and say we're all going to read Mel's book, come next week, prepare to discuss it on Friday over lunch. And if it works, you get to do it more. And if it doesn't work, you can stop. Those are great examples of you picking you. Is the smallest viable audience

“could it also just be you? You know what I'm saying? Or is it important that you to really hack”

this well-group thing to say, how could I shrink this big thing and turn it into a little thing that impacts somebody else? Is it really important to think about, well, I'm scared to put up a sub-stack thing about my musings, about whatever, but I could send an email to my sister, is that kind of what you're thinking? Yeah, so let's begin with hobbies. I love hobbies. I love so many hobbies. Okay, hobbies are for you. Do not stop your hobby because your neighbor doesn't

like the canoe paddle. You're just carved. It's not for them. It's for you. So if you're doing something just for you, please do something for you. Call it a hobby. Don't add any butts or hands to it. It's for you. But the smallest unit after that is your sister is one human. And we have to

talk for a second about attachment. Okay. Attachment is a Buddhist term, but it's pretty easy to

understand. Attachment means that you're trying to control the outcome. You're attached to what the weather is going to be like at your daughter's wedding. You're attached to weather people like the episode you're making. You're attached. You're trying to control something from the outside. Here's the problem with attachment. Let's say you and I want to swim across a small lake. And we want to be safe. Right? Well, the safe way to do it is eight feet apart. We swim. And if one

of us gets into trouble, the other one can help. The stupid thing is for me to attach my right arm to your right arm by a rope and four ropes arm to arm leg to leg. We're both going to drown because you can't survive that way. So when we are going to do this work and bring it to the world, here I made this, but it's not followed by and I need you to like it. It's just here. It's a gift. That is what makes something a gift. Here, not and you owe me a thank you note and you owe me a big smile

and you better clean your plate and you better appreciate it because now I'm attached and I'm trying to control it. That's not a gift anymore. That's just getting somebody else wrapped up in your story and that's a recipe for disappointment. Okay, are you having those aha moments right now because

“I certainly am and I want you to remember that's not random. That's you getting exactly what you”

came here for and what you needed. So while you listen to our incredible sponsors,

I'm going to ask please share this incredible advice and inspiration that Seth is giving to you right now. Send this episode to someone else who might need the same push today because it's not only going to help them when you help somebody else, it helps you right back and speaking of being right back, Seth and I are going to be waiting for you after this short break. Welcome back. It's your buddy Mel Robbins and today you and I are talking with the incredible

the hiring yourself, the and I know that underneath this is that ultimately you're not necessarily going to nursing school for anybody, you're going to nursing school for you. And a big part of why you're going to like doing that is the way you make other people's lives better. This is not

some self-ashained Randy and thing of always do what's for you because most normal people what

for you is the reaction someone who gets the joke has, right? So it takes a long time of being in a Broadway show before your tired of the applause at the end of the show. The applause isn't for you to know you did a good job. You knew you did a good job. It's for someone to engage

“to connect to make something happen there. Oh, I think I just got something. So one of the reasons”

why you feel so tortured as you're sitting there with this thing you want to do or this change you want to make or the ways in which you wish your life for better is because in doing it somehow your mind-body spirit and soul knows that on the other end of you getting through the resistance and out of your own way and really expressing your aliveness, whether it's through a community garden you start or it's going back to school or it's changing the way you take care of

yourself or stepping back into the dating world after divorce or losing somebody that you love that I think deep down we know that there is some profound connection that is missing in your life right now that can only be felt by doing this thing that feels important to you. And it rhymes with another word that's keeping us stuck, which is rejection. That if I put myself out there, maybe I'll get rejected. If I put myself out there, maybe I will be seen as the fraud that I am.

If I put myself out there, maybe something bad will happen. So it might be easier to just stay here and wine about it than to do this gender sack. So I want to talk about my mom. I miss her every day. She died way too young. My mom was a volunteer and then an employee at the

“most important art museum in Buffalo called the All-Part Knox and it's considered one of the”

great art museums in America. And when she got there, the museum store wasn't really an idea. The most museums didn't have stores and they sold some postcards and she took it over and with her partner Lita grew it to ten times the size. She co-founded the museum store association and museum stores around the country looked to death thing. So one of the things that she did

was it bothered her that in Buffalo a lot of people never came to the museum because it was a

status thing and it wasn't the way they were raised and my mom came up with this idea before the antiques road show was on television. She got two people from Southern Bees to come to the museum. It's like 1973 and if you had antiques in your attic you were going to get these people on Southern Bees would be able to tell you if they were worthwhile. So she comes home from work on Friday and then things the next day and she had done a little press for it but not much and she was

notably insecure which was unusual for her and she said Seth I'm a little nervous because we're doing this thing tomorrow and what if no one comes and then she turned to me and she said well if no one comes no one will know that no one came. The next day there were five thousand people waiting

in line. That's incredible. But to lesson for me was if she had just done what was on the paper

in her job it would still be a little phone booth and so it postcards and all the generous cycles that came out of her work happened because she was willing to do an event and maybe no one's going to come because she realized if no one comes no one will know that no one came. It's almost like these little poles and ideas and that thing that's inside you that you're waiting to do that you feel this like resistance that you're excuse as you're safe. It's almost

like I love flowers so much because it just amazes me that from a tiny seed the most extraordinary

“intricate big thing can bloom over time. That's how I visualize these little impulses and seeds”

and stuff inside of us that you have no idea when it could bloom what it would bloom into but we

most seeds don't bloom in a bag in the cold in a shed somewhere. They need to be planted out into

the open and one thing that you ask people to do is to be remarkable. What does that mean?

“If you want to make an impact if you want to grow if you want people to show up don't yell at them”

make something worth making a remark about. That what it means to be remarkable is someone will benefit if they talk about you they will do it because of you they'll do it because of them. So what it means to be remarkable is not to hustle or put on a weird show or you know where a purple unicorn hat. It means do something that other people will benefit from if they remark about you. And to me that has a lot to do with how you do it. You know what I mean the personal

flare that you bring into something the care that you you know do in terms of how you move through the world that it's like people are looking for the thing that's remarkable but so much of it

is in the way that you operate. I had this experience with the late RN Sorenson who was the first

non-family member to be the CEO of the Marriott Corporation and I was interviewing him at this massive event. They were like 5,000 people in front of the audience. It was right when Starwood was merging with everyone who's going bananas about their points. And so we had this great interview and he had also talked about the brand and that at the heart of the brand was this feeling that you felt like you were being welcomed home when you walked through the door and that it was everybody's

responsibility to create that experience. And so anyway the the conversations over was wonderful and then we stand up the applause and we go to head off the stage and without any fanfare without anything demonstrative he quietly turns and picks up both our cups of coffee and the two napkins and the CEO of Marriott carried them off the stage and to me that is an example of what you're talking about because I have remarked about the impression that that left on me

in terms of his integrity and just who he was as a person and a leader that no words could have done. I have read where you often write you are not behind you are becoming. Why is this an

“important mindset? So the single best way to get kids to behave is to award points and then to say”

points will be deducted that there's a huge business in the United States now where they give kids points for behaving in class which they can trade in for sugary snacks later. Points are a wonderful manipulation tool and you know when we think about high school sports they act like there's a trophy shortage there's no trophy shortage the purpose of high school soccer should not be to win the game because it doesn't matter who wins the game the purpose should be how do we develop into

the people we'd like to be but it's much easier to just keep score the game as a proxy for what should happen next. So we're surrounded by this status game and it causes lots of marital strife because you don't make as much money as to people down the street because they have to go into a nicer vacation than us etc. That's only on your radar because we live in a world where it's possible even fly to Paris. No one went on vacation to Paris 300 years ago

so we just keep upping the game a ratchet to say there's a carrot it's connected to the stick we got to run faster and it's a trap the alternative is to say who do I seek to become. Not compared to who back to who's it for what's it for? This work I'm doing at work

“is it so I can make more money than my neighbor? Why? What do I get by making more money than my neighbor?”

I don't think that's useful fuel. I think when we choose our fuel we choose the life we're living

and choosing the fuel of I'm better than you getting into a status loop it never ends.

And if you recognize as your listening oh my god that's me. I am obsessed with my neighbor's kitchen and now I don't like my kitchen even though my kitchen was fine a week ago but then I went over to their house and then they've got the dream kitchen and then you get into that thing. How do you once you recognize okay Seth bingo you nailed me I am in the status loop I have the wrong fuel what am I filling myself with? Let's name first okay I'm going to the jewelry store

I need to buy some armor I'm paying $400 for sneakers I could buy for 50 because the status will help me Just name it repeatedly. I am doing this because I'm afraid I am doing this because in high school

I always felt left out and now I have a chance to spend this money to not feel left out. If you say these things

out loud you might realize how ridiculous they sound so name it. Then the second thing is what am I going to rest my eyes on what am I going to focus on? What are we keeping track of when we sit down to dinner as a family and we talk to each other about our day what do we announce and what do we complain about and what are we glad for right so let's say you have a six-year-old six-year-old brings home their very first report card and they got an A and A and a C

How do we respond why do we care that a six-year-old got a C in something we care because we know that in 11 years they're going to start applying to famous colleges don't use the word good colleges they're just

“famous colleges and we need to create a system in our house where good grades are important”

because I'm going to get a sticker for the back of my car and that sticker is going to show I'm a good mom or a good dad. You don't say any of those things out loud but that's exactly what's happening I'm sure like this is up as you're talking I'm like nodding my head nodding my head nodding my head and for a very very long time I was fueled with the status I was miserable because I was chasing all the things that I thought all the other fancy people had that I couldn't afford

and the endless cycle of trying to prove that we were good enough that we were fitting in that we were

keeping up was exhausting and I remember when I finally just started doing I didn't realize it at the time

but what you're saying which is naming it as dumb as it sounds I literally just turned to my kid and said well we're not doing that because we can't afford it we're not going on that vacation because we don't have that kind of money and just naming it diffused so much of it because now that I'm not in this battle with myself and I'm accepting the reality of it I can choose whether or not

this is a problem that I want to solve for a different reason not because I feel I need to keep up but because boy like it would feel kind of good if I worked really hard for the next three years on something on the side and saved up a little money that we could actually go away for a week that we feel good but I'm doing it for a different reason than to measure something that I've been gaslit into thinking that I need to measure yeah naming it is key and we're back to the butt in the

end right we could go do that or we could have this this this this this this this in this in our life which one do you think would make us happier that's generous to have an honest conversation with our family about what we can afford and can't afford it's not selfish anymore it's not something we should feel ashamed of so we should be proud of because we're showing up where we're

needed I'd love to talk about perfection because this was a huge breakthrough for me in your work

“and just ship it like just stop trying to make it perfect and ship it and I think you will be”

proud since I am a student of yours to know that there were about 117 errors in the let them theory book when it went to print and people have painstakingly found them and pointed them out and I am proud so many it wasn't perfect so many things to dissect here because the words matter okay there were typos in the book but the concept of the book the deliverable the book is not an error hmm okay let's start with that but now it's about quality because quality is a really

loaded word quality means three different things so let's talk about each of them because only one of them has to do with perfection there is the quality of meeting spec this means that a 1984 Toyota Camry it does exactly what it's supposed to all the time to parts fit correctly that's all quality is it meets spec quality simply means build a system that meets spec so 1969 in Detroit when they put together a car one of the last pieces all the people there had rubber

“mallets because the only way to get the pieces to fit together was to hit them with a mallet”

in Japan everything fit together like a watch it's perfect if you got the spec right everything works better but that doesn't mean you want to be better than the spec that's a waste just meets spec the second kind of quality is the quality of luxury this is the word we use

Camry no it's just more luxurious and the third time is the kind we use as an excuse to be a

“perfectionist and this is you can find zero defects no matter how hard you look and by that measure”

nothing is perfect the point of perfectionism is not to make it better it's to keep you from shipping it you can nitpick because you're trying to protect yourself not because it's who's it for what's

it for so I have never said just ship it I say merely ship it they're different just ship

it means this junk is crap whatever I don't care merely ship it means this has met spec here I made this without attachment without argument here I made this in the world of New York City book publishing the spec is there should be no obvious typos because that's their spec it's attainable but no one has ever published a perfect book ever because every book could be improved there is a word in the great gatsby that if we shifted it just a little we'd make that book a

little bit better you could go on forever that's the point of perfectionism we could go on forever

so what I say to people is simple what's the spec the minute that is met it's gone merely ship

it run to the next thing because we met the spec if you don't like the spec make it better spec well it's interesting because you said that when you obsess about getting it perfect you could go on forever but the fact is you actually go nowhere bye and the confounding thing when you really start to embrace everything that you're sharing today is that the only answer

“is to do to start to stop thinking that's how we become we become what we do we don't do what”

we become so if you want again we do we become what we do so if you want to be a truthful person start telling the truth and you'll become a truthful person it seems so simple why so hard male it's so hard it's so hard that it's hard because the progression goes like this I will make a mistake it will cause me shame I will be ostracized for my community I will be alone and then I will die and so we can do that whole progression in less than two seconds and that's why there's

expression like I was gonna die there was lipstick on my teeth that's how we went from lipstick on my teeth to being dead and that's why I like to name it because it's so absurd that lipstick on your teeth is gonna cause you to be dead and so we have to decide are we using as fuel in security

I always need a better outfit I always need to be a little taller or a little thinner

better spoken said about or are are we gonna adopt a generous mindset that says I showed up I said something that made things better that's the spec and if you can do that wearing shorts do it wearing shorts because the shorts have nothing to do with the spec it's interesting because I immediately thought you could wake up every day or end every day by saying I woke up today and I did better yeah no one says I did perfect because it's not true but you might have done

better so it's about authenticity can we do that yeah let's talk about authenticity authenticity is a crock it's a free read authenticity is a crock it's a fiction no one wants it to be authentic maybe you're best friend but nobody else you're the most authentic person I know

“that's why I like you I'm consistent wait wait your consistent so is the secret to being authentic”

being consistent the secret of being of service is to be consistent so let me ask you a question Mel yeah did you ever have a day this year where you were just really off little cranky not your best I call that Tuesday so when you were like that and you got behind the microphone to be quoting episode where you authentically cranky and subpar where did you show up as the consistently magical version of Mel Robbins that you're capable of I showed up consistently I don't do that

with my family as much like I let myself off the hook there and you know Seth I I am trying to be better there because I think it's really awful to save the worst of me for the people that love me the most so authenticity is for your best friend maybe for someone in your family that's what they want from you but what everyone else wants from you is for you to make the story of you true and if you need heart surgery God forbid you don't want the surgeon to do an authentic job

list what it means to be a professional is to make a promise and keep it so the reason I wear this

smoke where every day when I'm at work because when I go to work walking there with my dog I'm self-goed and small as small gee when I get to work and I put on the smoke I am the person who is written 10,000 blog posts in 20 best sellers that's a role I play and my job is to play consistently

“now you should not adopt a consistent role that is diametric with who you want to be that will burn”

you out that will break you don't do that all right but when you can find a role that you can inhabit consistently then you don't get to use the get a gel free card of I was just being authentic that's me the social media talk for I was being a jerk it's not allowed we didn't give you our attention so that you could act out we gave you our attention so you could be consistent so how do you create a practice how do you create the conditions where it's easier to do that when you look in the mirror

when you wake up in the morning when you are making breakfast for your kids when you are dealing with your boss we get to say to ourselves if I was playing the role of the best version of me what would

that be like and at first it feels really odd to play the role of you but pretty quickly you can

live into it I'm just processing this right now asking if I were playing the role of the best version of me no matter how I feel today no matter what my excuses are if I were to consistently play the best version of the role of me what would that be well I know the answer of that I think we all do I'm simply arguing a strategy is to create the systems to become the version of you that you would like to be today because you don't get tomorrow over again you only get it once

how do you want it to go if I take just one action out of everything we've talked about what

“do you think the most important thing to do is I think the most important thing is to talk about it”

and to talk about it you need someone to talk about it with and that's why other than getting

to spend time with you this podcast was so important to me because you are creating a system where people invite others along on the journey and if you can find one person or three people or five people to have a cohort that tells each other the truth the challenge is each other to be the best version of themselves it will work every single time set good and what are your parting words go make a ruckus yes what it means to go make a ruckus is not go call attention to yourself

it's not go break every rule go make a ruckus is simple it's work that matters for people who care don't do it for people who don't want to hear from you don't do work that doesn't matter don't do work that just feeds a system you don't believe in do work that matters for people who care it can be a little bit of work for one person that's enough and then do it again that's our chance make a ruckus set good and thank you for making a ruckus thank you for teaching me how to make a

“ruckus thank you for igniting something in me decades ago that I think only now is starting to”

really be seen in the world thank you Mal I wouldn't be fully me if there wasn't you and I'm really glad you're here and thank you thank you for finding the time and making the time to listen to something that is going to help you raise the bar make better decisions and his Seth likes to say make a ruckus and in case no one else tells you I wanted to tell you as your friend that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life and absolutely everything

that Seth taught you today that he implored you to consider I know it will lead to a better life alright I'll see you in the next episode I'll welcome you in the moment you hit play hi what a treat what a treat you want to get a fresh TV form start because it's halfway there's like a whole team it's busy making tea yeah we're we're here to take care of you so two cannibals are eating a clown and one cannibal says to the other cannibal does this taste funny to you

you are just like you are in real life well that's one of the best compliments the highest honor I can offer you thank you for seeing that um oh I'm gonna sneeze oh I see on oh okay hearing okay so

what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you this podcast is presented solely for educational

“and entertainment purposes I'm just your friend I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is”

not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician professional coach psychotherapist or

other qualified professional got it good I'll see you in the next episode serious xm podcast