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“I've been dealing with some long ongoing unemployment”
in my relationship. My partner has been unemployed for two and a half years. And most recently, I'm taking him through the finances. He kind of shut down, got upset, that I was doing things wrong.
But that he didn't want to get a job because it would not benefit him. I'd miss you, that somehow. I'm not doing anything for this. Oh, OK, hold of that question.
Did I hear you say he's not been working for two and a half years, and he said he doesn't want to get a job because it's not beneficial for what I didn't catch that last part of that sentence? Of course, he said you didn't want to get a job
because it wouldn't benefit him that I would just
miss you some while you somehow.
Oh, wow. Can I ask another question? Why are you still in this relationship? We have children together. OK, but you're not married.
Correct. OK, you can have children together and still not have this cohabitation resentment bubbling up, this is a fact. OK, but we stopped you.
You were about to get to your main question before George and I because we have lots of thoughts I can already tell you. What is your question?
“So my main question is am I being financially abused?”
But I want to add a layer to that. So we did invest in an Airbnb, like remodel and rental together. So he spent a lot of his time over one of those years in reworking that house and getting it running.
So he says that he's working and he's adding value to the relationship through that. Is the Airbnb actually making money? We are in our fifth month, and it's paying the bills, but it's not turning a profit.
Well, OK. Do you have any evidence? Let's say we were in a court of law and I said, give me evidence that your boyfriend is abusing you financially.
What evidence would you give me? The just a black of support and provision. Yeah, I don't think you're being abused, but I don't think some antics matter here. I do think you're being manipulated.
That statement you gave George and I to start off the call where he looked at you with a straight face, presumably, and said with some sort of conviction, that a job would not benefit him, 'cause you would misuse the money is as bad as--
Yeah, he turned it clear out to you. As a case of manipulation I've ever seen. This guy is an absolutely broken human being, and that's not an insult. That's an actual diagnosis.
I could insult him. I'm not going to, 'cause I don't think it helps you. But he's broken, he's deeply broken. He's got to go get some help. And you can't give it to him.
I don't think he needs some boundaries. I really do. I can't continue to support you financially. We are not going to continue our relationship the way it is now.
If you aren't going to support me and the children, if we aren't going to support these kids we've made, you're out. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. No matter if you just met someone,
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And here's what's easy. His response will be your decision.
If he takes ownership in action, there's possible hope and repair for this relationship. And if he doesn't, if he plays the blame game, tries to guilt you, if he panics and gets defensive and makes it your problem, well then you know.
You've just confirmed all of your suspicions. - Yeah, let me flip it if I might, Madison. Just for a moment, okay. Let's say you had a girlfriend that was in this exact situation. And she told you over lunch or coffee, what was going on.
What would your advice to her be? - Man, it's tough when you look at it from that perspective. It's definitely shocking. Like if it was your friend and they were asking you for help, you'd want them to be treated better.
- Yeah, which is why I'm keeping you there. But in what else would you tell her to do? - Counseling as first thing I would go to. - Not a bad idea. And what would you tell her to do
“if the boyfriend or the husband wouldn't go to counseling?”
What would you tell her to do? - She doesn't have to live that way. I 100% believe that Biblically men should provide and protect.
If he's not able to do that,
and she's not in the healthy relationship anymore.
- Yeah. And wouldn't you, after you left her, wouldn't you in the car wonder what else is going on behind the scenes or what might develop long term if he's doing this over money?
What happens when the kids are older and then becomes major decision like, wouldn't you think, man, there's a whole lot to this onion. Would you think something like that? Yes or no?
- Yeah, I definitely opened up the can of words. - Yeah, listen, I hope this works out for you, but yeah, you are headed towards abuse. And I, a professional might call it abuse. I'm neither one of us or mental health professionals,
so I don't want to ever. - I can't diagnose it. - I don't equate.
- Yeah, I don't want to label it that,
but you are being manipulated and it's not okay.
“And so you need to take action right away.”
He needs very clear boundaries that this is not okay. You don't feel safe and you're not gonna do this with the kids. And it's not a threat, by the way, 'cause I could tell you somebody like this is gonna go, are you threatening me and you go,
no, because see a threat is what a bully does on the playground. This is not a threat, this is what's gonna happen. And don't play the game, don't get sucked into this. 'Cause if he says something like that, it's gonna make you feel bad.
No, no, no, no, no, stop threat. I'm telling you, we can't keep doing this. And so, we go see somebody now. By the way, I'm only working, so I'll pay for it. But you could also point out to him and all this.
And this is where I want to bring George in really quick, because there's some technical stuff to this that I know you can put some emotional language around. They aren't married. So he has no right to her money.
I want you to bring in the technical aspect as if, is if you were sitting with this couple going, hey pal, Sparky, let me give you some realities. - Well, yeah, this is co-habitation. And I don't know what the laws are in Utah,
about what his rights are and what he's protected in entitled to. But the longer you enable the irresponsibility, the worse this is going to get.
'Cause here's what's happened.
Your generosity has replaced his urgency.
“'Cause if you're hungry, you need to eat,”
and no one's gonna provide it, you go find some food, don't you? - And he has no right to her money. - None. - Correct.
- I mean, if this was in the court of law, they'd go, all right, there's gonna be, you know, you guys are gonna figure out how to cover the children together. But he's on his own to figure it out.
- So one of the things you do right away is we're gonna get counseling and we're separating finances. If there's anything you're sharing right now, I would stop that immediately so that he knows your serious.
- Okay. - And then I would say, put up or shut up. Not that way, this is us telling you, but, you know, he needs to go to counseling. And then we're gonna find out
from a professional whether or not he's willing to do the work. This is the ultimate. I love the advice you gave your friend. I think you're a good friend, Madison.
“I think you got a good head on your shoulders.”
And the reason I put you in that little exercise is sometimes it's very hard. And I appreciate you called George and I today. It's hard for us to give ourself advice. But the advice you gave your friend
is the advice for yourself. You know what to do, so go do it. We're cheering you on. But this is not just about you anymore. This is about those kiddos.
So take care of you so that you can take care of them. That's the advice today. So sorry you're going through this. George, this is a reason of why 7,000th reason why that you need to be married.
So we've got full commitment. We know what we're getting in some skin in the game here. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.
